We're Here to Help - 128: The Thonged Pumpkins Dilemma

Episode Date: November 4, 2024

Jake and Steve Berg talk to a caller about responding to a Halloween prank. Later, Jake, Gareth and Lamar Woods chat with someone who was a little too honest with a friend asking for feedback. Finally, Gareth and comedian Jon Gabrus help a teacher backpedal from a lie getting out of hand. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

We are back! Kevin, if you had to say you were put on the spot because I'm putting you on the spot, what has been your favorite call or your Mount Rushmore for the show? I mean, as the producer, I've enjoyed the ones where it was like the butthole ashes, where it was like, when there's some like,

behind the scenes coordinating is a lot of fun. The like sex tape where I was like, when there's some like behind the scenes coordinating is a lot of fun, the like sex tape where I got that, the alleged sex tape, the parents that I got converted. That was the night. What was it, it was zoo animals. Yeah, it was the, it ended up being like 1960s San Diego Zoo. Even though that was a bus, it was still just like

following up with like a local film department to be like, how's the, like that stuff is fun. Little behind the scenes stuff or it's like following up with callers is a lot of fun I know your favorite call good the woman who thought she got kidnapped by a Disney character that was the most that ever air it will air on the free feed it might have aired already but it's it's definitely on patreon If you haven't heard it, it was the most confident I've ever gone into A call and the least confident I've ever left a recording in ten years

Kevin jumped in and he was like I think what you're trying to say like the one was like now well, that's because it went because afterwards we all talked about it. And I got where you were coming from because the promise was fun and funny. Yeah. But it was just so jarring because she made it seem like she had been kidnapped and helped her. And I'm like, I love the premise of the show. I can't think kidnapping a kid is fun to pitch on. I hate

this also this is giving me a stomachache not a kid it was the hardest one to figure I'm watching Kevin in a like a pan trying to seem yeah yeah comfortable panic yeah what were other hard ones Kevin rather than go in the full circle we'll do ours on another episode Gareth yeah. But what have been other ones that you were like, while it was happening, you're like, this is way harder than I thought. I don't have an example off the top. I'll think of something, but I will say

that is the biggest, the funnest and most stressful part of the show is, sometimes you have absolutely no idea how a call is going to go when we start. Like, I'll have it all set up and go like, man, this is going to be really cool. And then it can go sideways or I'm like, this will be okay. And then it's like one of the, like one of my favorites was the cat charity event that

you got. And it was a short one. Oh yeah, that was the Patreon one. Yep. And we had to do that. That was on paywall day. Caddyshack, yeah. Yeah. And you guys just immediately have like

so many incredibly strong pitches that even the caller was like, "'Jesus, yeah, I'm literally using all of these.'" Yeah, I think they're the ones who bought us the bell. We have the bell to ring. Yeah, no way. Oh yeah, Caddyshack bonus that. But yeah. But you do have a high pressure job and you know, I give you credit because Gareth and I's job is

very easy because we are reacting. But it is true if a call, especially when we have a guest, because it feels like you're- Oh, a hundred, even more, even more. Like when it's just us, who cares? Yeah. Because we've done those where it's really fast and then we're like, eh, this isn't quite working or the tone's not right. I remember early on we had that like really drunk lady. We've had that. Yeah, we're going to release that one.

How fun where you're like when we were really finding what we were trying to do, but it's hard with a guest because you have specific amount of time. Yeah. A lot of times our guests have come on and they haven't heard the show. So you're trying to convince them like have a good attitude and have fun. I promise you this isn't a really waste of an hour and then the call starts and you're like oh no and then we've communicated where I've tried to say during like do we have another one? Yeah. And I've seen you go back and

then do like there's no panic email. Yeah. You're like like, Ooh, panic email. Well, yeah. You also, there are times where you'll like have one in line and then they'll bail five minutes before. When we have a guest too. When we have a guest. Cause when we have a guest, it feels like we have company. Yes.

Yeah. Totally. Look alive, best behavior everyone. Yeah. Also really quick, we got three very special guests on today's episode. Our buddy, Steve Berg, check out his podcast, High Strangeness, comedian and actor John Gabris.

He hosts the podcast, High and Mighty, and Action Boys, Super Funny, and previous guest Lamar Woods, a former New Girl writer, and he has an album out called Highly Sensitive Person. Okay. All right, well without further ado, everybody enjoy the show. Hello.

Hi. Well, hello, my friend. Welcome to we're here to help. My name is Steve Berg. I'm joining our friend, Jake. Gareth is traveling today. So we got the great Steve Berg with us. What an awesome surprise. Hello, Steve Berg.

Well, it's really nice to meet you, my friend. Why don't you tell us your name and where you're from? Hi, I'm Kyle. I'm from Brooklyn, New York, and I was expecting you to ask me my age, so I was ready to say I was 33. Hey, you're 33, great age. Hey, where in Brooklyn are you? I'm up in, uh, in Greenpoint in the Northern port.

Sure. I used to live in Greenpoint back in, uh, 2000, 2001. Beautiful little area. Is it nice? I truly know better place. I love Greenpoint. Yeah. So Kyle from, no, yeah. So Kyle from Brooklyn, Greenpoint.

Uh, what can we do for you today? Yeah. So actually my question is a little bit about my neighborhood. It's full of creative people. There's always these huge, cool, creative Halloween kind of decorations on everybody's soups. Cool. And so my husband and I were not creative, but we were like, hey, let's throw our hat

in the ring this year. We went up to a farm upstate and got a ton of pumpkins, just like 20, 25 pumpkins. Put them all over our soup and people were loving it. We were getting like good feedback, people taking pictures of them, putting their kids up there. And yeah, so it was cool. And so, but then one morning I walked out my door

and somebody had put songs, like underwear, on every single pumpkin. All right. So what we're looking at here is we got 12, 12 to 13 pumpkins. Some of them are funky pumpkins and somebody really did put underpants on everyone with the butt facing out. So you got some thongs, you got some regular ones, you got some looks like, I mean, Tiger print. Yeah, there's some really exotic garments there. Yes.

I will say somebody really invested a lot on this print because I got to think underwear of any kind is not very cheap. You're looking at $20 a pop there. Am I wrong on that, Kyle? I think you're right. kind is not very cheap. You're looking at $20 a pop there. Am I wrong on that Kyle? I Think you're right. I think you're right. This is about a $250 bit It's a lot or or it's just old underpants, which is even grosser Yeah, we were wondering about that My husband and I kind of spent a week like reeling, like who likes us enough to spend this much on underwear or who hates us enough to put old underwear

on these pumpkins. So we kind of asked around like, did you do this? Did you do this? And got a whole bunch of nos. Then one day my brother-in-law and his partner who also live in the neighborhood with us came clean by, sometimes they watched my dog and they put a pair of the underwear on my dog and sent him home with the underwear on.

Okay. Yeah, so they kind of declared war. And my question to you is, what do I do about it? How do I respond? I feel like this isn't something I could just walk away from. Okay. How do I respond? I feel like this isn't something I could just walk away from. Okay, so it is the brother-in-law and the brother-in-law's partner who did it because they put underpants on your dog and by doing that they admitted to putting underpants on your pumpkin display. Exactly and they later followed up with pictures. I sent one to the shark. They put on like full

cat suits and kind of came out in the middle of the night and did it under the cover of darkness. So it's fully confirmed to be them. All right. So they snuck to your place and they pantied your pumpkins. Yeah. And so your question is then what? How do we get revenge? Kind of. It's enough is enough. This is too much. What do I do? So is it kind of like is what you're looking for if I may just be specific is a Halloween Prank like, you know back at them, right? I Think so. I mean, you know, they have done this before when we came back from our honeymoon They had covered every surface in our apartment with googly eyes. So this is kind of a long standing, you know, sort

of situation where they've gotten us with little, little bits along the way. So I think this is kind of the last straw. So if we could make a Halloween theme, that would be great. Right. My first pitch is not going to be to prank the prankster. I don't think we tit for tat and you put like boys underwear on their scare clothes because you know, Berg just turns off his video. I mean, I think you, I think you could do that, but I don't know what we're getting out of that. I think what we do is we try to, uh, fuck with them a little bit.

And the area I'm going, which I don't know how it ends or if it works is that the city called about the underpants or like a family member in the neighborhood was really offended. And it's created a world of trouble for you. They have young kids. Yeah. Yeah. The age of age is like breathing down their neck. Right.

Like I, there wouldn't be an HOA in Greenpoint. I don't imagine. Oh really? Okay. Is that correct, Kyle? Yeah, that's correct. It's kind of a anarchy out here. It's an anarchy.

But there, but there, there is the NYPD. There is the NYPD. There is something we could set up that, or we create a crazy neighbor and we have Steve Berg right now leave a mad voicemail. Right. Right. And it's like, you know, I got an idea, Kyle. What do you think of this?

What if you say, hey, really funny, but you guys have actually made our life's a living hell and they go, what do you mean? And you go, apparently we have like a true psychopath who lives on this street. He lives in his mother's basement in the little basement apartment. Yeah. He's in his late fifties, lives with his 90 year old mother. And he has like 17 cats. We've never seen him, but he got our information and he is really one

triggered and two turned on by these underpants. Now we're getting voicemails at all times about how he hates us, he wants to kill us, and he wants to have sex with all our pumpkins. And he's asking for a meeting and we don't know what to do. And he's asking for a meeting at 2 a.m. Face to face. And he would really like to speak to the woman who wore all those underpants and she should bring all her socks.

Oh my god. I love it. I love it. The one thing that I'm worried about is I am not a good liar. How about doing it over email? I think if you, you know, I mean, I'm telling, I like where Jake's going, especially with the voicemail because they're like, you can start over the email and think, and I just

got a voicemail. Listen to this. You can see the digital recording. Cause then you're, then they'll have that like little stomach ache like, uh-oh, what did we do? What we could do. So your only fear, Kyle, is you don't feel like you're a great liar and you don't want to blow it. I think I could sell it if I had a prop. Like Steve said, the voicemail, I think could help me fortify it with evidence a little bit. Um, but on my own, I don't know if I could think on the fly fast enough to really have a fully built out story.

So I like the voicemail idea. So you know what we could, you know, we could do Kyle is we could make little, uh, voicemails right now and send them to you as little clips. And then we could put together an email that you send, and you send all the little voicemails and we can make like 15 short ones that get like scarier and scarier as they go. It's good with the Halloween theme. If you write, I mean, here's the reality. You have to act fast. Halloween is on Thursday. So like, I think like you're going to have to get these messages, start this exchange tomorrow, if you want to have a couple days of fun with it.

Yeah, agreed. I love it. I'm actually seeing them tomorrow for for an event. So this works out great with timing. And you know, there's another wrinkle you guys should know is that somebody like a random person walking by took a photo of it and kind of tagged this like famous New York Instagram account and It's in like a photo carousel that has like almost 50,000 likes at this point So it could be from anywhere in New York City. It seems like it's kind of oh that's interesting

Oh, yeah, you know what it could so that's really good info It could be the person found it and they happen to live in Greenpoint and they know the house. So the first one, let's start doing this, Stevie. Kevin, can you put the images up? Yeah. So let's do the first one. And, uh, Kyle, what's the name of the Instagram that, uh, got the New York one?

Yeah, it's called what is New York. All one, it's called. What is New York? All one horse. I follow. What is New York? It's funny. So funny. I love this. Okay.

So Steve, your first one, let's just do one where you saw it on. What is New York? You're not a scary person yet. Okay. And you recognize the house. Wait, what's, uh, what street do you live on Kyle? And we'll beep it out.

Wait, how did, but how do we get your phone number, Kyle? That makes it scary. You, I mean, if you, if you Google any address, you can get the phone number through people fighter. So as it adds an element of like this person's stocking, I mean, I don't know how serious and scary We want it scary. We're fine with them. I think so, too I think so, too. I I totally agree another

Thing you might want to consider is it's like a very family oriented neighborhood and kind of a lot of people know everybody So I think like asking friend of friends could also be an option. We want this weirdo. Steven, what do you think of the name Lionel? I think Lionel is great. Lionel Smithy. Yeah. Okay. So I think personally people find her scarier than asking around. What do you think, Kyle?

Yeah, I do. I agree. Okay. So Steve, this is the first one you saw it on. What is New York? Yeah. You recognize the house. You found a number on people finder and it says positive and it's short.

Yeah. It's like, I say this is like a 30 seconder. So am I complimenting? I like to feel like, yeah. Okay. So funny. It's, I said, this is like a 30 seconder. So am I complimenting? I like to feel like, yeah. Okay. So funny. It's, you know, I have a game we can play. What if we, this is the weird game.

This is so funny and so silly, but you see that yellow one with the pink underpants. Yeah. Your game is that we might get to in a few calls. You would like to buy that with the underpants and you're willing to spend $1,500 on it. And then when she doesn't respond, you're in love with it. Yeah. So then another call is like, you little son of a bitch. Yeah. What are you doing with Carol?

You're going to put that out there and taunt me with it and now you're going to let me purchase it? $1,500 is more than reasonable. All I've ever been has taunted my whole life by these cute asses and these mani's. I got nothing from you. Yeah. And you know what? If you're going to keep her from me, then I'm going to break in that fucking house and get it myself. All right, so let's just, let's start with the first one. Hi, my name is Lyle Smithy and I'm just reaching out to say I love the Halloween decoration. I live on s**t tree. I actually happened to find your phone number from people finder and I just want to say

I love it. Usually we don't get, you know, kind of, you know, adult themed Halloween pranks like this, but this is very, very funny, very creative. And I just want to reach out and say, well done. I'm not sure if it was you or somebody else, but very good Very good. Thank you so much Okay now number two what if we go and

Hey, this is Lionel Smith weird question. Yeah Are any of the pumpkins for sale perhaps? Yeah Hey, this is Lionel Smith. Weird question. Yeah, weird question. Are any of the pumpkins for sale perhaps? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then what if we created a, yeah, no, you know, your number is on her phone. So like you could just call back up the number that was ringing. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. And then whatever you think.

Hey, hi, this is Lyle Smithy again on street Weird question. I'm having a small little Halloween gathering on Thursday night We're gonna hand out candy and all the whatnot and I was wondering if perhaps that any of these pumpkins are for sale I think my friends would get a real kick out of it Yeah, you can just hit me up at this number should be on your color ID and thanks a lot. Appreciate it. Bye bye. Okay, now, how about number three? You're still waiting on the response? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's like, let's start ramping up a little tension. Right. I'm going to clarify

which pumpkin I'm interested in. I think that's totally right. Does the pumpkin have a name yet? Yeah, yeah. Hey, happy Monday. How are you doing? It's Lyle again. I you know, I just kind of a follow up to be more specific about my prior question. And was there is a yellow pumpkin. I'm kind of interested, you know, in terms of purchasing it with white and kind of black. From my vantage point, it kind of looks like black polka dots. It's squash looking. It's a yellow pumpkin on the right side of the frame.

And a couple of questions. That is the one I would like to purchase. So I'm not sure what your, it would take for you to be willing to part with that. And also goofy question, but doesn't have a name. Okay. Yeah. My number should be on the color D. Thanks a lot. Bye bye.

This is insane. Okay. Yeah. My number should be on the call already. Thanks a lot. Bye bye. Insane. So Kyle, you know, the brother in law and partner more than us, right? At this point, yeah, we're thinking you're just going to send an email and you're going to label these call one, call two, call three. What's your guess of their vibe right now? I think they're going to have just a little sort of tinge of what the hell did we do on top of a lot of laughter. Like, yeah, I think that's right. But it's kind of like, ooh, what's going on? It's it's still a little innocent.

So do you guys think what do you think Cal should should call number four? Start showing that Lionel's kind of a dark new. Well, well, I what do you think, Stevie? One what I was thinking like, hey, I just I haven't got a response yet. I can make an offer. I feel like, you know, I don't know if a hundred fifty dollars sounds fair to you. I could always just drop by the house, too. We could talk in person.

That's that's kind of a scary one. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do that. Hey, Lyle again, I didn't get a response back about the possible sale of the yellow polka dotted pumpkin. I guess I would just come out offering probably close to my top offer 100 to $150. You know, if it would just help out easier, we might be a little quicker if I just drop by the house. So I get off work usually mid afternoon around 330. So I

could just swing by and we could negotiate then or whatever. Okay, thank you so much. Okay, do another one really fast. You were lying. You aren't currently working. Okay. Hey, sorry, Lyle again, sorry to keep on bugging you. FYI, I felt bad about telling a little bit of a fib there. I actually am unemployed. I'm probably like a lot of people in this neighborhood.

But yeah, it's been tough to find employment for a graphic designer in this AI age. Anyways, you probably understand. Anyways, this is Lyle again. Give me a call. Bye. Now again, call back in Lyle. You are not a graphic designer. Yeah.

Hey, this is obviously it's Lyle again. Probably probably recognize the voice by now. I am not a graphic designer, but I did study at sunny purchase for about a couple of weeks into a semester. Graphic design is something I'm definitely passionate about, but no, I'm not technically a graphic designer. So just want to clarify that in case you look me up. All right, thank you.

Bye-bye. Now call you lie about Sunny Purchase. But also it's called SUNY Purchase. Yeah, yeah. SUNY Purchase. But that's okay. That's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, this is, you know who it is. Yeah, I did not go to Sunny Purchase. In fact, I just found out it was called Sunny Purchase from my great aunt. I don't know why. I'm trying to make myself sound a little more official. I am unemployed right now. I live with two roommates.

It's not like a flop house or anything. It's actually pretty nice. We all, we share a kitchen, you know, two bathrooms. So, you know, I'm not like destitute or anything, but yeah, I did not go to school there. I went to the police academy and was kicked out for bed eyesight. So anyways, you have my number probably in the car already.

Give me a call back if you're a student sailing that pumpkin. Otherwise, like I said, I could swing by and we could just do it in person, probably be a lot faster that way or have it if they you Whatever. Bye. Bye Now be very mad Steve You live with your mother, but who the fuck is she to judge you? Yeah

Hi Lyle again, um, I Don't have three roommates. I live with my mother and honestly, who are you to judge me? I feel like I am being judged. We live on the same street. Technically, we are neighbors and the conduct of you just not getting back to me respond to me acting like none of these calls ever Existed is not very neighborly where I come from. We help our neighbors if they're sick you bring them a casserole Get it. So All I'm wanting to do is make a simple transaction.

And that is I offered a more unfair price, $100 to $150 for that yellow pumpkin with the black polka dots on there. Please give me a call back. Last one. You wanna fuck the pumpkin. Yeah. But I would say crazy mad.

You are now off your rocker. Right. They're teasing you. You've been teased before. And let this one get a little bit goofy. And then this is it. This is the last one we sent. Right.

What are you guys saying? Do we, do we just end up? Oh, I'll go, I'll go big on this. Let's see. I get a little scary. Yeah. You know who this is. I don't need to say the name. I would like to purchase

the pumpkin. And the reason why I want to purchase the pumpkin is not important, but I will tell you. I have a fetish for inanimate objects, especially of the produce variety, and that pumpkin does something to me. It's not just sexual for me, okay? There is some people out there who like to nurture, to take care, to form a relationship, and yes, make love to produce. I am one of those people. And it's 2024. So how dare you judge me for what? Look, my proclivities are my proclivities. My mother doesn't judge me. My other neighbors don't judge me. And clearly you have something. You are a very closed minded individual, miss. I don't know you. I have never met you, but I know you're kind.

They've teased me. They've made fun of me my whole life. And I will not be bullied by my neighbor. Very good date you. This is Lyle. You have my phone number. Okay, Kyle, what do you think about now putting an email together that we send to them and then you attach all of these as individual things one at a time? What do you think about this as a comeback? First of all, terrified of Lyle and terrified of where Steve Bird can go when asked. Thank you, thank you. It's simply my craft. It's my craft, what can I say?

I disappear into the light hall. It feels good to be back in my body again. Whoa, whoa, whoa, where is Steve? Who is Lyle? I understand John Malkovich these days better. Disappear it feels good to be back in my body again John Malkovich these days better So much darkness inside of you Sounds good. I think I might need I just don't know what to say or like what that call to action is for them Like Like, is it just like, holy shit, I'm scared. Like, what do I do? Do I write it out?

Like, I just don't know what to say. I would play it like, you know, here's what I would do. I would send, like you got these two voice messages kind of close together. So send these out, like one of my neighbors is really up in arms. I can't tell if he's mad or really happy about this and kind of go, ha ha ha.

LOL. But I also put in like a, thanks a lot guys. Yeah. Make sure you're bling. So the main thing Kyle is cause the whole point of this is we're trying to get back at them. So thanks a lot for your funny prank where you perved out pumpkins because you really brought a creep element into my life.

LOL. Not even joking. There's been this guy calling me in caps. So thanks. And then they'll write back like, is that real? And then send the first couple. Yeah. Then I love that. I would space out like

in the sentence. Yes. The sendings just so it feels like they're coming in, in real time. You know what I'm saying? Like, like, like, like when you get this, like, look what I just got five minutes ago. Oh my gosh, that is the best. So then like 33 minutes later, like, and he keeps on calling. He keeps on like, he keeps on editing what he said in the prior one. So this guy seems a little weird, you know, I think that is exactly right. You take your time, Kyle and sending it and you can send them at like 10 at night and 11 at night and then like the last couple be like, these came in at two in the morning.

Is it? Yeah. Like I would start this no later than tomorrow. So like you can like maybe like have the last one be on Halloween day. I think that's exactly what's Oh, wait, let's do one last one. Oh, yeah. As you and me. What are their names, Kyle? Their names are Mike and Emily. And is your real name Kyle? It is, yeah. Okay, so now Lionel, start the message and then I'm going to jump in as us and we're going to tell Mike and Emily to leave Kyle alone. Right.

Hello, this is Lionel. Obviously you have my number. I don't know what else to do. I am extremely distraught right now and I just would really like to purchase the yellow pumpkin with the pink polka dots. Yes, I've had some setbacks in my life. Not everyone can go after their dreams

of being a graphic designer at SUNY. I don't know how you pronounce it. I didn't go to college. I just would like, I would just like some time with the pumpkin. Maybe you can at least let me take it out for 24 hours. I will bring it back. Can I ask you a question? Who is this sir on the line? Mike and Emily. Was it worth it? Yeah, Mike and Emily. Was the

pumpkin panty prank worth it to Kyle? Huh? Yeah. Hey, this is Jake Johnson and Steven Berg and the shark from the podcast. We're here to help and we're here to teach you a lesson on Halloween because you can't be going around putting underpants on pumpkins because it brings out weirdos on the street named Lionel. And Lionel lives with his mother and can't pronounce SUNY Purchase. And the thing is while Lionel is fictitious, there could be a real one.

There's one lurking out there. So this is a message not only to you, Mike and Emily, but to everybody on this Halloween. Cool it with the pranks. Oh my God. So what do you think? Let Kyle, what do you think of this? Oh my god. What do you think? Kyle, what do you think of this? And that's the final one. And you send that to them after, ideally, they're building up.

But don't break in the middle. It's not fun if after six you're like, this is all a joke. You've got to live in it. I'm in. I'm in. I called you guys because I'm not a creative person. I didn't know how to get them back. And this is amazing. I can follow directions. So Kyle, we're gonna send you these clips and will you please follow up with us?

Yeah. Absolutely. Thank you guys so much. This has been so fun. You got it. Oh, good luck. Happy Halloween to you. Happy Halloween.

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or shop online at shopdewar.com slash Gill Sentmi. Right now our listeners get 20% off their first order when you use our exclusive URL shopdewar d-u-e-r dot com slash Gill Sentmi. Don't wait, go now to get 20% off at shopdoer.com slash Gil sent me. And we're brought to you by Squarespace. Listen, we love Squarespace. We talk about it all the time on this show. We use it to make websites for callers. We fix problems. My personal website is Squarespace. Kevin, you have any Squarespace heat?

What do you got? I'm in a very niche job market world where I'm a freelance podcast producer. There's no IMDB for podcast producers to show, here's all the shows I've worked on. So I just wanted to make something simple that just had the album art of all of the shows I've produced over the last decade.

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your first purchase of a website or domain using code How you doing, uh, welcome to the show Thank you very much. I'm doing great. Great. Can we get your name, please? I am zach Zach i'm 36. I'm from Ottawa. I think that's the normal steel. Yeah, I'm Zach. I like it You ever see the show new girl. Oh, yeah, so one of the writers From new girl a guy who wrote an episode that features somebody no no no no the architect of Brian the The architect of Brian. The architect of Brian?

The security guard, that's right. I created him, man. Yeah, the creator of the... That's right, you created Brian. The movement. Yeah, Brian. You are the puppet maker, and you are the puppet concerned.

I like that white dude at the end of The Matrix. Yeah. I'm the architect. I did this seven times already. The man who wrote the episode that created Brian from XOXO Gossip Kings podcast. A man who is also in a weird pilot presentation I did in my backyard. Yes, you are. You guys were back there, but you. I was in that too. Yes you were.

You guys were back there but you did not talk Brian that day. But that must have, well finish the intro. Okay. Mr. Lamar was back in the intro. Wait up, wait up, wait up. I wonder if, I wonder if Brian was kind of, the seed was planted in your head in the backyard that day or is it- Yeah, cause that was after that right? Yeah. New girl,, no new girl was done when we did that part. Yeah, I wasn't sure

I live for a show when I'm on new girl garf It was so much going on. I don't think we had a chance to talk no talk about it sure but again I mean I think we want to get to the call obviously we want to talk But again, I mean, I think we want to get to the call. Obviously, we want to talk. Is he still there? Yeah, yeah. But I mean, it must be amazing to be kind of at the captain of the Brian ship. I mean, yeah, I mean, it was the last season.

But but it was good. You were great. And y'all were like, y'all had a great time. I just being Brian, I mean, it was such a it was such a movement. Go ahead, Jake, you want to say, how many years did you write for write for new just the last two see I will for season six at seven season six Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was a good time man. I love I love working with you Jake Do you remember this episode yeah That was really funny yeah Lamar directed yeah, how is the director and by the way? Yeah, rest in power. Yeah

Is he dead? That version of his body yeah Yeah, I want that picture at my funeral By the way anybody anybody who passes away should have that funeral like all the the photos of them, and then just one of those where somebody goes, is that what he looked like? Yeah. Does that what he looked like with no clothes on? Like what Obama does is just like, hey, what a legacy.

You're like, Barry did great. The body looks great. Yeah, he really got it in that one. Nobody wants to bring it up. Yeah. Hey, Zach, what can we do for you today, bud? I've got bring it up. Yeah. Hey Zach, what can we do for you today, bud? I've got a problem here. I've got an old friend of mine who I did wrong.

Um, he and I used to do amateur standup comedy together. And last year, right before probably the biggest set that he'd ever done. He called me up. Uh, I think that he wanted to be, he wanted me to be like part of the moment. He's backstage. He's about to go on stage and he, he runs through his jokes with me and he's like, here I am about to go up. What do you think?

And kind of by accident, I said, I don't like any of your jokes, man. Oh, Zach. And so now I need to make this up to him. Hold up. What's up, man? Why'd you do that? And so now I need to make this up to him. Hold up. What's up, man? What? What are you doing? Why'd you do that?

You're trying to be funny. Was it a bit? Yeah. So this is the thing. It was a bit. It's an ongoing bit that he and I have done for years now. When we moved to different cities, we text our jokes to each other.

And the ongoing joke was we never laughed at each other's jokes. Yeah, I got you. We just bagged on each other's jokes, make fun of each other's jokes. So I took the bit too far. I know that. I can't even tell us for adults, uncomfortably laughing because I know how bad it was. Right.

So I need to make it up to him. And the second edition of this show that he did last year, that where I gave him this bad line right before his show, he's doing a second edition of it in May. And he's invited me to perform with him. I want to use that opportunity if I can to make it up to him somehow. And I was curious what you guys might come up with. Yeah. So you have, so just to recap, so we're all on the same page.

You got an old friend, two standups. You guys do mean jokes, the mean jokes that you never laugh at each other's bits. Right before his big show, he said, Hey man, let me run you get the rent some bits by you. At the end you said, I don't like any of those. He goes on set and how do you perform that night? Did he die? No, he killed it. He did great.

No, last it was a really good show for him And just to be clear you didn't he wasn't even running you through the jokes before he went out He was just like man. I'm excited and you were like nothing. No, he said he ran He wanted to run through all the jokes. Yeah, like he wanted feedback. Yeah. No, he ran to jokes me Like here's my set. What do you think? Wow, and you said I don't like like any of them. Any of these. And then he went out and killed. Here's what I think you could do. I got my first pitch for a, I think the first thing is you're opening for him. Yeah, I'm not opening.

I'm like second or third up, but I'm going before him. Okay. So I say potentially you retell this story and you say, coming up later is a great comedian. He's a friend of mine. He did all this. I said this, you really set it up later, he's a great comedian, he's a friend of mine, he did all this, I said this, you really set it up for this big moment, and then you said, I don't like any of them, and then you go, I'm the audience killed, so what the fuck do I know?

So then you're killing yourself a little bit to build him up on that. Yeah. Look, it's not a great idea. It's an idea! I'm just hitchin', guys! I don't like any of your fucking ideas, Zach! Fuck this fucking guy, and LeBar! Fuck you! Look, it's not a great idea I like that idea I think I think it's too late. You already fucked them up like you go to are you in therapy? You should go to therapy with them and talk about no way

Comedian friend said to me if I said to somebody Balls I go I don't like your thing and I went like alright, and then I went out and crushed first of all I think fuck you who cares second if he goes like hey Jake It's Zach and I go what's up Zach and he goes hey, man You want to come to a couple's therapist with me so we can talk about how I made a mean joke I'd go in what world? Like a male comedian but first of all your pitch is good the reason why I felt my idea was great it is yeah it's way it's very progressive and sensitive imagine yeah

if you went and performed one night and a random dude a buddy made a mean joke before you went on and it didn't affect you Yeah, you got it and I crashed you crushed now if you died it's one you crushed then a few months later He goes hey Lamar. What are you doing on Wednesday? And you're like, I'm free. Why you want to get lunch He goes no I want to go to therapy together to get to the root of our issues and you go. What's your last name? What's your last name? Who are you? I don't even know you.

I don't know you. Get your hand out of my pocket. I think, no, I, cause I had a friend do this yesterday. I had a show the other day. Or is that, like, it's not really about the show necessarily, right? You do the show, you're gonna kill it. It don't matter what you say. Right.

But you have friends where you're doing bits all the time, and sometimes you're not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not in a bit mood. I'm actually kind of nervous about this show real quick. Yes. I'm doing bits all the time and sometimes, I'm not in a bit mood, I'm actually kind of nervous about this show real quick. So my man, I was about to go on, I just got off stage and I thought I did really well and then I saw him and I said, man, did you get to see me on stage? He was like, man, don't nobody wanna see your shit.

And then I was like, you know. Who is this legend? Actually, I can say that because he he's he does this Ronnie Adrian's media, but But sometimes I'm like man. I was actually in a really vulnerable. I wasn't I wasn't ready for that What's the guys name is Ronnie Adrian? Yeah, so then imagine if you said like hey, man Do you want to go to a zoom couples a therapy center? I'm gonna do it I

Think I could do I think that's so true, too It's like people think that you're like it happens a lot with like strangers who will be like hey I'm gonna bust your chops, and they'll say something like man. Sorry about that. Yeah, actually. I don't know you and that hurts Yeah, well, I'll ding me we busted so Gareth and I've known each other forever. I bust jobs. I like getting busted But yeah, we were making a somebody had commented I'm not bringing up an old thing, but he told us we were doing bits me him and Kevin about like mean comments You've gotten yeah, like maybe we could use it for the show and he goes the worst one I ever got was somebody said why does he look like fat Aaron Paul?

We started calling him fat Aaron Paul on the show it follows One show after you know I gave it no thought we're goofing around right we do a couple chubby bits on the thing That night we call we're just bullshitted and as we're talking I hear like he's like yeah I mean I definitely agree if we can get down YouTube going it's definitely gonna help but what's fun and I went like what the fuck are you so breathy for and he's like no he goes good now he's like shut up shut just whatever I think what I'm saying is it's good it's ready to the right track then he goes water real quick anybody Anybody elect you like. He goes, there were three chubby comments and I'm on a Peloton.

And I was like, alright, we are done. It was cool, but the three were like, alright, I need to stop. And I said, we're done making mean jokes. We're taking a break. We have, I've slowed down a lot. It shows. I, uh, no. It was much ass right there.

The funniest thing was when we were talking about it and I was like trying to find the comment on the video And because that one I just saw that one randomly when we were scrolling through I was seeing all these other comments Yeah, and these comments were just like is this Amy Schumer? I'm talking physically. I was like Jesus Yeah, right Assaulted, but I actually first of all I think your pitch worked well the problem was there's this weird satellite delay cuz this dudes in Ottawa So you're it was the paw Yeah, you heard a pause fucking law. Okay. Yeah I thought that was like my there's not a I think that's good. I think what Jake said is right you totally because it's his night. It's all that you want you

Love proper. Yeah, I like your pitch What you could do is you could do a therapy session Where either you're doing it for like a social media thing or you could do a live show Where you're gonna like like two nights before the show you're gonna do. Yeah, you guys could get together You could bring like a like whatever find a therapist is gonna be stage comfortable That's fine Bring them up on stage and you talk it out with the therapist in front of him and talk about like for a half hour, bust the chops.

And then you each can cap it with like 15 minutes. Zach, is that a world you guys are in? Because you did start this with amateur. So these these events, are they getting bigger or are you guys are the kind of people out in Ottawa where you could maybe fill some seats for a night of you do stand up He does stand up and you have like another comedian be a therapist. Is that a reality there? Yeah, right That probably is not we're like open mic. That's what I'm gonna be able to draw a crowd for a show. Yeah, right, right So guys, what can we help was that quiz? Are we leaning into? in May lead out with it?

I think you could do that. Here's one other pitch. At a show You do your buddies, your buddies there and you do his set in front of him My buddy and I used to do this on the road where we'd hear each other's sets so many fucking times Right that sometimes we'd go I'm gonna do I'm gonna just do your joke tonight Like let's just swap jokes a little bit because I know them so well so if you go to a show you bring him and you go I'm gonna do your set and talk about how great it is low stakes get up on stage you're cleaning the slate with an homage set right is my pitch it's not great either so Zack I think that's fun

yeah I think that's that what are you thinking so my problem with your pitch Jake yeah I think it's a bit of a downer when I tell the story. Like that was your reaction immediately. Yeah, interesting. It was like, Jesus, why did you do that then? Cause yeah, it was a pretty ass hole thing to do and I know that and I feel bad about it. So I don't want to bring the mood down.

Okay. That's why I think I'm leaning towards the Garf Man's pitch, I like it. Okay, and walk us through what you're gonna do there when you do the Garf Man, just cause I don't fully get the pitch You want me to run you through it? No, it's exactly. All right, Zach I gotta find an open mic where he and I can get some spots together and then just make sure I'm up before him and And do his debt the one that he did last year

Yeah, you'll have new material now because we're always trying new stuff and that way I'm not stepping on his toes I think he's pitching do his set on state Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, that's what you're saying. Oh, you're saying yeah get up there and get out there and blow suck But what if they like those really well, and he just blows up We got a project we're gonna work on together I'm gonna add this you do that set you talk after every joke man That joke is a killer that these are all killers Then he gets up does your set and he gets to shit all over it

So you're so you're hopping in front of an audience. Yeah, oh Zack what that's actually a fun idea. What about apologizing to him for the night? He'll say I'll forget it dude, and then go so I want to pitch something We do a set swap where you shit on the jokes that your writer wrote Yeah, and I compliment the jokes and we see what the audience thinks when we do each other's jokes Yeah, did you ever try that we've talked about joke swaps before so I think this is a great idea It's the perfect way for me to maybe make it up to him and he can get some revenge. Yeah, let's get out here Thank you so much for the call. All the best.

All right. Enjoy the hills. It was a pleasure, guys. Nice to meet you, Lamar. Thank you. And we brought to you by Rocket Money. You know Rocket Money. I mean, Rocket Money can find subscriptions that you're still paying for, that you didn't know you were paying for. It can help you with many things. But basically, Rocket Money is a personal finance app that will help you find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions. Gareth, you already said that.

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You know the deal. It's America's No. 1 podcast. Don't look it up. Listen, my man, we're going to get your name and your information. We're going to help you, whether you like it or not. But before we do, you're on with Gareth and in Jake's stead today, we have the amazing John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy.

John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy.

John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the great John H. Kennedy. John H. Kennedy, the with Gareth and in Jake's stead today we have the amazing John Gabris so you're gonna yeah party upgrade you've got the new guy what is your what is your name where you calling from if you want to tell us your age? It seems like we've gravitated away from that. Yeah. My name is Jesse. I live in Charlottesville, Virginia, and I'm 30 years old. Okay.

Hell yeah. All right. Well, Jesse, listen, John is a busy man. I'm not, but we don't have time for this. Kevin invented Nike. I don't know if you've heard that. But what's going on? What can we help you with? Yeah, so I am a teacher and I teach middle school geography. Oh, thank you for your service. Yeah. It's a wild time. So when I first

got this job, I asked another teacher who had been doing it for a while, like, you know, how do you teach middle schoolers? And they advised me that I need to take- What did that person think of that question? Were they like, holy shit, should you be doing that? Well, they were like a mentor, so I think it was their job to answer, but yeah. It's just kind of a weird question just to throw out there, for sure.

Yeah, okay, all right. This is at the job, right? You're asking, you're at your middle school about to go in. Hey, heads up, which one are the students and which one are the teachers? Just me or their kids? Crazy. Yeah, there are. There are a lot of a lot of crazy kids. Yeah. But what they said is to take like a small part of my personality

and make it like a big part of my like teacher persona. And I think what they meant by was like being really into sports or like really into like Halloween or something. But I think that's like what a sane person probably would think of to go with. But what I told my very first class of students was that I had an irrational fear of oxygen.

Of what? And of an ostrich, yeah. Of an ostrich, okay. I thought you said oxygen for a moment. I was like, R.I.P. Jesse. He's got like a he's got scuba gear on. I'm not a big oxygen guy. I'm a big autoerotic asphyxiation guy.

I'm what we call a plant man. He's got branches. You might notice I'm a tree. Give me the CO2, baby, all right? Fuck this oxygen shit. Let's walk through what I do. He's just got gills. Guys, I'm not like your other geography teachers.

I like this advice. This advice is kind of like, you know, Running Man or G.I. Joe rules, where it's like, take a little part of your personality and let students into that world and then you can hide 85% of who you are. But the setup is great to's like, take a little part of your personality and let students into that world and then you can hide 85% of who you are. But the setup is great to be like, mine is a phobia of the non-flight bird.

Yeah, also middle school kids, if my teacher told me that, you don't think, I would have bought 20 ostrich costumes on Amazon on day one. I bet you were headed in that direction. Yeah, I think we might be. I'm sorry, Jesse. Okay, Jesse. OK, Jesse.

And is this true you have a fear of ostriches? No. No. So it's not even true. OK, so it's day one you lie to the kids. Day one you lie to the kids and your lie is, with all due respect, bananas. Yeah, so you're exactly right.

Middle schoolers, whatever you expect them to do, they you're exactly right. I know middle schoolers, you know, whatever you expect them to do, they do the opposite of. So it started just with some like hand-drawn pictures and then like for Teacher Appreciation Week would get like shirts with ostriches on them. We're seeing some images right now. Yeah. These kids, but it's a lot. There's some people making Jesse the ostrich your homage. Can you bring that back up again, Kevin? Yeah, here's one more too. Oh, so, okay.

Well, I saw a Mr. Womble drawing and then, so you're getting merch. You're getting merch. You're the ostrich man. You're getting t-shirts. You're getting stuffed ostriches. People are giving you ostrich cards. It's kind of become your apple. Okay, so here you are. ostrich cards. It's kind of become your apple.

OK, so so here you are. You're painted into this ostrich corner because you are trying to connect with your kids and they're taking advantage of it by a ostrich assaulting you. Oh, yeah, yeah, 100 percent. Even like kids I've never taught before, I've never even seen before, will just come in my classroom and just say the word ostrich at me. Even like parent teacher conferences, parent will come in and say, you know, Oh, you must be the ostrich guy. So it's definitely a, uh, it's definitely like a all out assault for sure.

Off of a lie. What, what, what drove you to say that as where you like, look, I'm not letting me, like, do you have actually like weird hobbies and you were like, oh okay, I can't actually tell these kids. He's got a skin couch and he's like, ostriches freak me out. No, I think it was like I was excited initially, kind of naively thinking like it'll be fun to come up with reasons why, but I'm out of reason. Like I tell them a different story every year

and I think I'm just out of a breaking point. How long has this been going on? You might've said that. Forgive me. Six years. Six years of this. That means new students are coming in and finding this out. Graduating. You can't phase it out.

This is, it's, oh boy. This just reminds me of the social phenomenon where you meet someone and in the context in which you meet someone and in the context in which you meet them affects how you think about them. Yeah, right. It's like, oh, the first time I met Gareth was when we were next to each other at urinals, cocks in hand.

So now every time I think of Gareth, I'm like, oh right, the guy with his cock in his hand. He actually only does that when he pees. You know, like, or like, oh, weren't, the last time I saw you, you were drinking gallons of milk for calories. Milk guy. I'm like, yeah, but that's not who I am. I am and they're like yeah but you're the grass-fed milk

guy you know honestly John what's so funny is I mean I've met you a few times but you have this tweet that always this is so weird I don't have this with a lot of people but you have a tweet that has always stuck with me which is the hardest part of being an actor is figuring out where to take a shit. I was like, it hit me in a way where I was like, man, that is so true. Like, what the fuck? Eventually you get to the level of having your own trailer

and that answers that question. Even that it's not a happy world. Hey, wardrobe's gonna come by your trailer. It's like, can they wait till the exorcism occurs and get some fucking poop-goes? Let them know an elephant had it yesterday. Okay, all right, so keep going, Jesse. Yeah, I guess my question is...

How? How to put an end to the ostrich thing, or if you think it's too far gone, and then my question is, how do I turn it into a way to make money? Jesus, what a twist at the end. What a health. That's that last question of your three parter question, your A, B, and C subsets. That last question is like the most American thing.

It should just be said at the end. Should be at the end of every, instead of at the end of a call when they're like, press one and let us know how we did. It just should just say, and how can I make money doing this? And is the ending of your question is phenomenal, obviously. Well, first of all, we all agree teachers don't get paid enough.

So you should be able to. Are you talking about how you personally do it? Or are you talking about can you start fundraising off of it for the school? I think I know the answer. I just want to make sure you're not magnanimous. Yeah, it would be personal. Personal. Okay, sure. Absolutely. Wow, this is a banger. It's hard to put the genie back in the bottle to some extent. It's hard to put the head back in the sand. Yeah, exactly. Once it's been removed, your reality is your reality.

You've been taken out of the Matrix, Goo. You cannot unsee what has happened. My advice would be every year, introduce a slightly smaller bird that you're afraid of until you get it down to hummingbirds. Like next year, it's like emu, and then you go turkey vulture and just keep shrinking down until eventually like I'm terrified of mosquitoes. And then by the time you retire, everyone will have a different story to tell about Jesse.

I like the idea that in your pitch, the merch shrinks along with the sun. It's like. Mediums only. It's like I can't even see what they gave me this year. I think, well, obviously we're all saying the same thing, bring in a hot plate and eat a bunch of ostrich in front of the kids. Have a meltdown. Oh, you should do that. You should go, I'm facing my fear and eat like ostrich jerky

in class in front of all of them. I do actually think that is the best way to go. I think you have, like you have really, honestly, and I don't even know if it's gonna work, but you have, you have lore now. So the only way to undo the lore would be to out front, be like, I'm confronting a fear, and be like, I am going to go into hypnosis, and I'm gonna try to undo my ostrich phobia.

And you're gonna have- You need a second round of lore. Like the only way out of lore is more lore. Now you love ostrichism. Yeah, more lore. So I think you should do something like that. One does not simply walk into more lore. That's great.

I do think that's... That's to answer your first part, okay? How do you do that? So what I would say is, I would say you're going to go into hypnosis, you're going to try to undo it. There's also this Ringo Starr at one point put out this video that is so goddamn funny. Oh, here goes Gareth again, his fucking guru Ringo Starr. We always got to hear the best needle. They're letting them survive by who's the most talented.

Ringo's got me doing cold clung to you. I just like in Ravi Shankar outfits like, well, you know, we were actually Ringo's been pretty weird this week See Tarith So I he has this video where he made it and he basically said no don't send him shit anymore He basically was like I have enough shit do not do not send me stuff So I would think you could kind of do a combo. What you could do is you could be like, look, I have so much ostrich stuff.

You guys keep giving it to me. I think it's really funny. But my are you married? No, no. OK, well, whatever. You're like, it's a lot. It's been a lot. So I am now trying to undo this and I am going to go into hypnosis. It's like a six week thing, all that. Now, as far as how can you make money off it, here would be my pitch. Do this six weeks ahead of like homecoming or something like that. And you tell the school and be like, hey, so what I'm going to do is I am going to do an announcement at like before six weeks before and I will my deal will be before I finish hypnosis I will wear an ostrich costume at the homecoming event. But why don't we do it where if we reach x amount of money I'll do it for the kids,

we could put some money towards homecoming, but I want 50% of it. Yeah, you gotta be upfront about what percentage you want from the fundraising. That's how you minimize tackiness. Otherwise, you have a new quirk, and it's not as charming. That's the guy who embezzled.

I'm doing some light research here, Jesse, and how far away are you from Bulls from Isle of White, Virginia? Or a couple of hours. OK, there is Zuni Ostrich Farm is there. I think you need to go make content for your students and make it seem like you are doing like immersion therapy for ostriches. Bug out on camera and shit, just peak this fucking lore now,

then come back with not being afraid of ostriches anymore, and then the Jesse legend is bananas. Then it's just like, oh, when I had him, he actually got over his fear of ostriches. I think that's great. I think you can maybe do that. That could maybe spearhead what I... You could combine the two pitches and that can be your way of announcing that you tried

immersion therapy. It didn't work. And now you're trying to fund your hypnosis therapy via some kind of fundraising, something like that. You could be like, I'll release the unredacted version of this if I make enough, you know, hold the video hostage a little bit. Save the ostriches? Like, are they endangered in any way?

Because then you can make it like your cause. Or fucking go in on the lore, you know, like set up a fake police report about a family that was killed by an ostrich, and only a young boy was, and he was next to a globe, and that's how you got in love with world geography, because during the tragedy when the ostrich pecked your family's innards out in front of you, all you had was a globe to look at,

and you're like, that's where Madagascar is. I can't wait to spread this knowledge to kids. You're then just gonna get more pictures with like them pecking out the faces of people. Fuck you, Jesse. No, that's incredible. I'm so into it. Okay, so what, just to be clear,

I mean, we pitched you a few options, the ostrich content, the fundraising potentially, the building of the fundraising potentially, the building of the more lore, your origin story, lore-ogen story. Yeah. One more thing to throw out there is if you want to go full scumbag is next time- All teachers do.

Yeah, eventually, everyone makes that heel turn, trust me on that. A dozen. The heel turn. I might be the cause, like I might be the common denominator that makes every teacher slowly go fucking ape shit, where it's like you have to stop talking to me like I'm a 12 year old as well. But maybe you go full scumbag next kid who comes in with like an ostrich

type thing, you fake a fucking panic attack and then sue the school. Oh, my God. Well, that is I. Kevin, can we legally be associated with this? Uh, it's out there. Kevin is your lawyer. You're not good. I'm a multi-hyphen on this show. He founded Nike.

Tonight on Twitch, I'll be testing pens and going over Gareth's court cases. My lawyer? Why is he twitching the case? You're all in contempt. Kevin, what the fuck? Um, all right, Jesse, so walk us through what your plan is. Yeah, I think what, uh, I think what I'll do is I'll go down the path of, uh, making some, some content, maybe, uh, take a little trip. You know, I'm not above lying to my students. So I think I can do a pretty good job of

Really pretending to go through some some real therapy there I also love your confidence that none of the students listen to this podcast. It's insulting but you know, we need that that's my immersion Is your is your podcast on tik-tok? Because I think you're safe otherwise. Honestly, I don't even know, John. Well, here to help is the number one Coco Mellon podcast. So we're going to be fine. I know. I mean, we have some Twitch crossover because of Kevin Spence stuff.

That shit does Boku number one. OK. And what and then how what about, the monetary side of that, Jesse? Right. And I, and I, I think this idea of, uh, um, I also coach basketball, so maybe even coaching a game in an ostrich suit of some sort or coming out at halftime. Great. Uh, yeah, shoot, shoot, try to make a half court shot in the ostrich costume. Ostriches seem like the kind of animal that would be on like an animated basketball team.

Like if there was a spin-off to Madagascar, why do I keep saying that word? Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. You guys know that's my safe word when I'm being held hostage in my house.

Yeah, oh my God. I'm like, Kevin Madagascar. We didn't notice. We didn't know. I'm holding up a newspaper with today's date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. OK, well, why don't you go with that? And then just real quick, is there something you're passionate about?

Because I think you could also replace here. This is the right move is to get a little touch of honesty. Yeah. So is there something where you can maybe benefit off of it a little? Is there something that you're really into? I like another bird. No. All right. So, Jesse, we got to go. You know, not everyone has to be creative.

Some some people just need to teach world geography to 12 year olds. And God bless you, Jesse. It's just globes. Honestly, globes are awesome. That could be your thing. Start a globe collection. Well, think about it. Think about like your fucking neck deep in ostrich merch. Is there anything you actually could?

Is there anything you actually could, is there anything you could actually use? Like should you be like, I'm really into laundry detergent or something? And then like the kids can like all, you know, and every year you just changed based on like what you need in your house. I was also thinking like if you were like, whatever, like if there is like fitness or like movies or something like that you might not benefit in the way you are of the ostrich thing but you could try to replace your personality over the years I mean you're gonna be tenured at this point yeah so I think it may be like concert tickets or something like that I

don't think that's gonna work Jesse but that's what I would do marinate on something you could replace it with Temple of the Doom Bag of Sand for the Idol. But look, honestly- It's gotta weigh the exact same amount as an ostrich. And I don't believe concert tickets does. I think that's how you're gonna get those little spears shooting at you. Well, keep us posted on how it goes. I think you're in a good zone and give it a shot. Let us know how it goes, okay? Yeah, thank you guys so much. All right, bud.

Thanks, Jesse. And if you do a sketchy, go fund me, send it our way and we'll... Oh, and if you do the video, send it our way, all that stuff, obviously. We have ownership over this, except for the legal issue. We have ownership over this. Kevin, take that out. Kevin, lose all that. Thanks so much.

I think we need to lose most of the call, to be honest, Kevin. All right, Jesse. Thanks, Jesse. All right, have a good one. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ

McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo. and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentz.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland, you can find him on Instagram at paddyholland2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash

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