We're Here to Help - 129: I'm a Hoot and a Half

Episode Date: November 7, 2024

Jake and Steve Berg talk to a caller about winning an argument over a folding table. Later, Jake and Gareth help someone land on a go-to drink order. Finally, Gareth and Jon Gabrus help a caller navigate hosting a birthday roast. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

And we are back. Garf Man. Jake. What's your Mount Rushmore of this show favorite calls? Oh, that's tough. And if you can't remember specifics, type of calls. I definitely think the what was it? Mr. H. Is that the guy's name? Hot takes. Hot takes.

Yeah, that was great. The boob funeral. Oh, yeah. The boob funeral. Oh yeah. Was a real pitch. I also like, I like the calls and the caller. I mean, I'm not trying to encourage this. I like when people are like, yeah, like that was great. And it's quick.

I also like, there are some where we've been on the phone for 50 minutes and we're both like, Agreed. Sir, we have nothing left to give you the the doctor just did that to us. He was the most recent. Yes. Well, that doctor. Yes. Yes. Where we would go like then you'd go, yeah. And we'd be like, OK, so then you bring in the egg, you do this and you'd go, I mean, should I bring it in with a bag? Yeah, like so your underwhelmed like help us help you Yeah, I I like those as well because I like it's so goofy where we're at the end like sir

We're gonna send you a hundred dollars to leave us alone We'll go another I also like when they are, you know, nobody's actually making us mad or annoying us It's all for fun But like when they're doing a call, that's not going right. Like remember the first Madonna one with the Madonna lie? Yeah. And that was, we were doing, we were banking a bunch and she was talking about her kid and anxiety.

And then I was like, I just don't see how we're gonna air this because we can't give real advice on anxiety. It was like, we don't know what a kid should do. And I remember getting all mad at her and being like, come on, come on. And then all of a sudden she starts going on this new world and you're like, Oh, I love when a call in the middle almost switches premise. Yeah. And then it happens. It sometimes it takes late. The last thing one of us will pitch something. And we're like, now the call just started. We're just 20 minutes into it. For the most part, we normally are pretty good at the beginning of knowing a direction,

but there are also times where we're like, someone talk. And then like 15 in. Yeah. One of us will be like, that's the angle. Very rarely is there one that afterwards I've thought we offered no help. I agree. There are very few. I don't know if they'll take it. I don't know if it'll work, but like we did pitch by the way, with all the talk of how weird it is that I have all these animals in my backyard and all that we have forgotten, you have a big pain of a cat behind your head. All right, everyone enjoy the show without further ado.

Hello. Hello. welcome to hi welcome to you sorry I'm so excited I'm so sorry right before this one started he said I'm so hungry do not rush through this okay I just want to say that I love your guys show and me and my fiance listen to all the time. So I'm so excited. Well full disclosure, the wonderful Gary's rounds is not here today. He is traveling for work. So I am Steve Berg. I'm the substitute today, but you are also joined by Jake Johnson and the shark. Okay, amazing. So can we get your name, please?

Yeah, my name is Emma. Emma. And Emma, where are you calling from? I am calling from Brooklyn, New York. What part of Brooklyn? Crown Heights, Prospect Heights area. You ever go through Greenpoint? Yes, all the time.

You seen a house that has pumpkins out front with underpants on them? I don't think I've seen that house. Jake always asks this, by the way. This is just kind of a go-to question, and if there's not one there, I hope there will be soon. If you were to have a last meal, if you were one of those people in a jail situation, you're about to be electrocuted and they say, this is your last meal. Emma, what are you putting together on that big plate of food? Ooh, that's a tough question.

It could be a weird mix. This isn't a restaurant. This is the best question I've ever heard. Okay. What do you think? Okay. So I recently got diagnosed with celiac, so I can't eat gluten anymore.

But is that- Hey, Emma, Emma, Emma. You're barely electrocuted. Yes, I'm about to die. You got about four hours before your exact- Get that baguette, girl. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm eating like a plate of like pancakes,

bread, sourdough, like waffles, anything that you can think of that has gluten in it, like a whole giant tree. Yes, yes. You'll die before they electrocute you just to say fuck you. All right. Is there a main course though, like a lasagna

or something like that? Yeah, I think honestly, pasta with butter, like real pasta with butter. You're a carb girl then. So good. Yes, I carb girl. So good. Yes. I love carbs. So good.

We're all carb girls, but you're not a big protein fan. I'm a protein is okay, but carbs definitely way better. Like desserts. That's the biggest thing I've been. For sure. All sorts of cupcakes, cookies, all that.

Holy shit. This is winning. So Emma, now we got a setup. You've made us all very hungry. Very hungry. You revealed us all to be carb girls. So what can we do for you today? Okay.

So the question that I have for you, first, I'll tell you the problem. So my fiance and I have gotten into like repeated argument for the past six months about a folding table in our apartment and we live in this like kind of like a loft in Brooklyn. It's pretty spacious, but we only have like a couch and like a kitchen counter with chairs. And I really liked to have people over for dinner. So I really wanted a dining room table.

And he was like, no, no way. No dining room table. You're going to mess up like the flow of the apartment. So I was like, you know what? I'll be reasonable. He's a feng shui kind of guy. Yeah. He was like, I care so much about this. And I was like, fine. We I'll be a fun way kind of guy. Yeah, he was like I care so much about this

I was like fine. We'll get a folding table, right? Like I'll store it I'll put it away when people come we'll take it out. It'll be good still. No, he was like no What I don't want a folding table in the apartment. We don't have a good place to put it there is there's like a closet It would fit in the closet. No problem. So I'm like, okay Fine, you're being unreasonable There is. There's like a closet. It would fit in the closet. No problem. So I'm like, okay, fine. You're being unreasonable. But what if I'll borrow it from our neighbor? Like I'll borrow it.

It'll be in the apartment for like five hours to dinner party and I'll return. He's like, no, under no one. Emma, this guy is simply unreasonable. Truly like partnerships about negotiation. You get also Steve, imagine a couple of guys like you and I trying this with our ladies. It just simply wouldn't work. My wife would turn into a pile of ashes.

I would change my tune and say like, I'm the one fighting for the table. Okay. So Emma, he won't budge on a table. Did something happen to him when he was a boy with a table? Did a table fall on his head or something? No. It's so crazy because he doesn't care. I designed our whole apartment.

I picked all the furniture. In college, his apartment was two folding chairs, beach chairs, and a TV. Yeah. Like he has never in his life cared about apartment function and all of a sudden he's like quoting interior designers and he's like, no, it's going to mess up the interior design landscape. And I was like, oh my God. So he there's a little bit of a sea chain in his attitude and what is important to him in this. It seems like, is he like, all to made him in this, like, this is like so deeply important to where he won't budge or do you think he's just being a little bit difficult in terms of like, I don't want that.

You wouldn't let me have that one share. I wanted, like, is he getting back at you for something? Ooh, is this a negotiation? Yeah. Oh, that's a good question. But I was like, he was like, no, you always get your way. And this time you're not getting your way. I'm full of you.

Jesus. Emma, Emma, now we're starting to get to the meat and potatoes of this last meal. Right? We started with the carbs girl, but we were living in pancakes and croissants and then you just dropped a steak on the table. Emma, what are we in this partner of yours? Joe Pesci.

Hi, his name is Hugh. What do we call him? His name is Hugh. Hugh. Okay. So Hugh, now let me ask you a real question here because this is madness. This idea of you won't. So I get it if he doesn't want a big folding table, a big table in the middle,

but I got to say you're very reasonable. A folding table to get stored and him going, no, let me ask you a bigger question. What have you won that you don't even consider a win between you? Because for you, it's basic, but he feels like he lost. Cause I got a feeling there's something big that he feels like he lost. And for you, you're like, it wasn't even a negotiation. He was being a maniac. Yeah.

Okay. So probably the fact that we live in New York was like a huge win for me. Cause he wanted to move out West and I was like, everyone we know lives here. We're staying in New York. Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. That's, that's's a big that's a huge win for you. I will say Folding table to seem like a little stupid old Where out west did you want to move to Idaho? to Idaho.

Interesting. Yikes. Right. I did not want to move to Idaho. No you don't. He likes skiing. Okay, he really likes skiing, like hiking and stuff. So that's like why he wanted to move there. And how long have you two been together?

Five years. Okay, is this gonna end in wedding bells? Yes, we got engaged over the summer. So that's the plan. Oh, congratulations. Thank you. Go ahead, go ahead. I have an important question. How is he in terms of like his social pro club companies,

does he like to entertain and have people over or is that something that is important to you but not him? No, he does not like having people over, but he is one who does the cooking. I think this might be. He does the cooking because he's a little socially awkward. Yeah, he the one who does the cooking. I think this might be. Yeah, he does the cooking because he's a little socially awkward. Yeah, he's all high in the kitchen.

So my thinking is that he doesn't want to entertain. He doesn't want to have dinner parties like you. He also, Stevie, he wanted to go to Idaho to get away from all these people. Uh-huh. And look, people want to go to Idaho and who want to ski and who are kind of, you know, have a granola ish bed.

They're non-materialist people. They're less is more people. They're like, I'll hang my mountain bike in the thing and have like a little hot plate. I'm good. They don't want a table that's meant for hosting when they don't want to host in the first place. What? So what if, what if here is, I don't know if this is gonna work,

but they do make these wonderful tables that they have spacers in them, right? And you can take the spacers out and it can fold into a little two person table or it can become a six person table. What if you kind of re-imagine the pitch thing, like, look, Hugh, babe, you make such great food, it would be nice maybe every once in a while to not sit in front of the TV,

like a couple of zombies and eat dinner, but actually sit at a table, light a candle, have a little wine, like have a night where we connect and say, how was your day? How was your day? We don't have to do it every night, Hugh, but maybe on a Saturday night, it would be fun to eat at a table. If he's like, no, I just like to eat at the couch. Then, but Emma, he's talking, no, I just like to eat at the couch then. But Emma, he's talking about the good old switcheroo. It's a switcheroo where it's basically you compliment him. It's like, I really enjoy.

It's so wonderful when you put these wonderfully thoughtful meals together. And sometimes it just, they feel diminished while we're, you know, sitting on the couch, watching a friend's rerun. What do you think, Emma? Do you think you could convince him to get a table for another room in your apartment and then when you buy that table, it has extenders? Do you think that's a reality? I think the problem is there isn't like a good spot for it to live all there,

like in kind of like the center of the room, which is exactly what he doesn't want because I did pose that as like, I was like looking at those like tables, like converts, like smaller tables and the ones that like fold up and da da da. And he was like, no, we have too much stuff. We have too much furniture. I don't want anything else. Where do you guys eat your meals? We either eat at the kitchen counter, like at their like stools there or we eat on the couch. Okay. So you do have a kitchen counter, but is it a side-by-side?

It's like has like room for like two chairs basically now. I mean hostie not enough to host no no very romantic Yeah, it is romantic that kind of that kind of nix is the idea of like I just want to have to that table and have A nice meal with you. You already you have that. Let me pitch something. Yeah, let me pitch something that might be stupid Okay This is a low IQ show. What are you talking about? Test us. Nobody wants to see those results. We will not pass. What's not a pass fail. It just gives you your number.

It all is.. You can't fail an IQ test. I did. So what if you in that big dining room area, you got a big comfy throw rug. Okay. And you did a little Brooklyn style when you hosted and everybody sat on the floor. So that's what he like wants people to do. Like sit on the floor around the coffee table, but I'm being bad.

He's bad. Interesting. So bean bags, like on the floor, where you store those. And also, but you just have them around. He'll sit on them. And also he's a, you know what? He's a, he's a skier.

You know what they need? Those little travel chairs, those little camping chairs. True. I bet he's got some of those. Now we're talking about more storage. Is Hugh a camper? Does he camp? He does camp. Yeah. He has like some, I don't know if he probably has like, he probably has like one of those like camping chairs.

Okay. This is hard. Yeah. How old is Hugh know how old is you? We are both 20. I'm 26 and he's 27. Oh your babies your babies So yeah, you guys had the kinds of backs that could actually sit out being back and be so we're comfortable Yeah, I've got I've got a weird one for you Okay, it's a lie Are you comfortable? Okay, Are you comfortable with it? I'm not good at lying, but I'm comfortable with it.

You can get good. Who's good at lying? We are. So here's what I say. So in super strange news, my great aunt just died who I was not close with and she left me this old antique table. So it's being delivered. I don't want it either,

but I guess we could sell it after it gets here. And then you've got it, you set it up and it just takes you forever to sell that thing. I don't know. It's just not working. Nobody wants it. And then once it's there, here's my feeling about a guy like you.

Once it's in this case, who cares? Yeah. He's not going to. He's not going to. That's what I think. Or'll get used to it. I was just there. He's not gonna do anything about it. That's what I think. Or you just fucking get one. Yeah. And he comes home and you just lay on it

and you say, take me on this table. And you're instantly, you know what you call it? A sex table. Yeah. And it's not for entertain, look the entertaining was a ruse. That was my excuse, but really. Or you get a table and when he comes home one day, put blankets on it and go, I got us a massage table and I'd like to give you a massage.

And he goes, that's not a massage table. That's a hosting table. And you go, what are you talking about? You psychopath. This is a, I'm working on massaging my man. Yeah. And then you go, do you not want to lay down and And then you go, do you not wanna lay down and get, you go, do you not wanna lay down and get an hour massage? And he'll go like, I mean, I do, but I don't. And I go, we can't do it on the floor. That's insane.

I, I, is it crazy if this one is, I like it because I think you can also lighten the tone of this negotiation slash argument. Because even if you go to the length of doing this and a, he benefits, he gets a massage too. He sees that it's a bit and you're funny yet. Yes. It is really important.

And it's foldable. It's foldable. Get a foldable one. Yeah. You can get rid of you go, I'm just bringing out this massage table to give you massages. And then I want to get rid of it. Are you cool with that?

And then you go, Oh, I could just throw it in an alley and not give you a massage Yeah And then you go, but I do have a fantasy. Yeah, go ahead. Emma. Oh god I was just gonna say we actually got he actually got a massage for the first time this past weekend and he loved it He's obsessed with it. Yes Yeah timing that's what I would do. I would get a a Perfect timing. That's what I would do. I would get a, a retractable foldable table, whatever you get rid of. I would get some sort of a comfortable blanket on top of it and make sure it's strong enough for a Hughes body.

Cause we, you don't want to, you don't want to get it. Hugh goes on and falls. That's true. He was going to be definitely out on the table. Then he's going to be mad. But if you can, you can set it up as, Hey, after your massage, I realized how much you liked it. I think it's something that could be fun for us that we could give each other massages. We could kind of get into that. Maybe unlike a birthday or a special night,

we could have somebody come here and give us a massage. Exactly. Maybe there's a massage table that converts into a dinner table. Yes. I don't know if that's going to be, maybe. Or a couple's massage table that you could put something on top of. Oh, like a platform, like a wooden platform. And you know what you do with that platform when you're done with it, leaning against the wall,

you know what it takes in terms of space? Two inches. I will say as a person who likes to attend a dinner party, make sure you clean that surface before you feed people, because it could get all greasy. There's lot of the notions involved. It was right. Let's make a sanitary. Yeah.

Also I think of fruit hygiene. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is make sure it is a full enough. It can fold away and be put away easy where it's not taking up too much cloud space and that is weight bearing for old you. Yeah. So what do you think?

Are you going to do this? I think, yes, I think I like this plan finding some sort of people that will support his wheat. I'm like playing it off. It's like a this? I think yes. I think I like this plan. Finding some sort of people that will support his weed and like playing it off as like a massage. He, I like this. I like this plan. And you know, if I'm Hugh, right. And I lost the Idaho thing.

I don't even want to be in New York. I don't want to host. I love my partner. I want to be with Emma. I'm happy in my situation, but I'm kind of getting a raw deal. And then for some reason I draw a line in the sand and I say like, no table. And now I'm kind of too deep into this bullshit. I can't get out of it.

Yeah. I came home one day and then you can't lose because then all of a sudden you're losing everything and he's still 27. Yeah. I mean, a week and a half ago he was 18. Soon this part of his will is going to slow down, but it's just not there yet. So if he, if he comes home and there's a big table and he goes like, what the fuck is going on?

And on it, there's a note that says, I got us a massage table. This card gets you free 10 massages from me, whenever you want it. Then he's won by losing. Yeah. And also I think it will, I really do think this will lighten the negotiation. Like I think he'll feel like, I think he'll have a laugh and even maybe feel to himself like, gosh, maybe I was being a little harsh on the table. Yeah.

I like this. Yeah. And so Emma, what are you going to do? What are your next steps? How are you going to find a massage table that works as a folding table? What the hell are you going to do here? Good question. I think I'm going to start on Amazon. Amazon feels like a good place to start.

See if I can find any load bearing, folding tables and some big puffy blankets. That feels like a good place to start. Yes. Yeah. Way fair to my work. And guess where those blankets exist when they're not massages? On the couch for TV. Yeah. Exactly. Extra, extra cozy. So I would get those first. So

they're just in your house and he goes, what are these for? Do you go, I'm always cold. Yeah. My feet, these, my feet get cold in the, in the winter. Yeah. So Emma, are you gonna actually do this? Yes, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna do it. Will you send us a photo of it when it's all set up in the dining room? Absolutely, I will send you guys a photo.

And if he's willing to play ball, will you do it with him laying on the table? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if he's not, if you don't wanna risk it, just that, but if he's willing to play ball, it'd be great to see him laying on that table in the middle of the day. OK, I'll do my best. I'll do my best. All right. We appreciate you. Thanks for the call.

OK, thanks so much. Bye. The restaurant business is tough, but that doesn't stop celebrities from trying to open their own spots over and over again. On each episode of Wondry's podcast, The Big Flop, comedians join Misha Brown to chronicle one of the biggest pop culture fails of all time and try to answer the age-old question, who thought this was a good idea? Britney Spears had Niall, Guy Fieri had Times Square Empire, Evil Angoria had a steakhouse called She with a baffling gender themed concept, and

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Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. That's rocketmoney.com slash help. Rocketmoney.com slash help. Hi there. Who are we talking to? My name is Brittany. Brittany, hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You've got Jake and Gareth. Can I ask your age and where you're calling from? Yes, I am 36. I'm calling from my office in Burbank at the moment. Burbank? We could do this in person. Yeah, in California. It's very exciting. Well, welcome. We're excited to hear what's going on. Why don't you tell us what's up?

Welcome. We're excited to hear what's going on. Why don't you tell us what's up? Okay. So basically I need a new go to drink order when I go out with friends. I can't drink beer, whiskey, some gin or scotch. Like I know that's annoying. My default drink. Hold on. Hold on. Brittany, Brittany, Brittany, you just jumped over a lot. Why can't you drink beer, whiskey, all those? Are you like allergy lady? Are you a wild drunk woman? Um, I'm an allergy lady. It's unfortunate. I have celiac, um,

also anything with, uh, I'm going to pretend to now that this is also going to be a medical call, but so anything with gluten. Exactly. You are so smart. I call the right people. That question was from both of us just so you know. But what about a Tito's then? Can't you get, isn't Tito's made out of potatoes?

Yeah, I, I can do Tito's. I can do most of vodka's tequila, champagne and rum. Tequila's a wonderful, yeah. Cause I, I gotta tell you here, B you're talking to another allergy guy. Oh, geez. Sorry. Uh, I had, uh, Brittany, You're talking to another allergy guy Oh Sorry, I had a Brittany I'm gonna go on a little tangent here, but we're gonna get back to you. I promise I did a press tour I didn't I didn't have anything. I did a press tour with Damon Waynes, Jr. We were in Arizona

It was frither. Let's be cops or new girl and I woke up with bumps all over my body my face my neck and I was convinced it was bed bugs and We freaked out it was it was let's be cops cuz Nick Thomas the writer was there and they were like this is Disgusting this dump of a hotel gave you bugs. I was on a plane. Nobody would sit next to me I had to kind of sit in my own little space. I got home threw away all my clothes My wife wouldn't let me in the house throw away my luggage got in like basically a, a gown and went to the emergency room and the guy did a blood test and said, not bed bugs, allergy to dairy and anything related to the cow.

And so Brittany, that led me on a journey because one of my allergies I found was also the, uh, the creation of histamines. So wines, beers, all that out the window. Oh, no. But the journey to beautiful tequilas and vodkas began. Then you are definitely the right person. Yes. You've called you've you've called the right place. I'm so thankful. What was your favorite drink

before you found out about this allergy, Brittany? What was your go-to? I didn't drink a lot before. I grew up very lame and sheltered. And so I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. And then probably after that, it was like another year or two. So I just discovered alcohol

and then it was all taken away from me. So up to this point, my default is kind of just like a vodka diet coke, but I get a lot of side. Yeah, that is wild. That is a wild diet coke. That's a Montague and Capulet cocktail. Okay. This is why I need you you guys because this is the reaction I get everywhere Yeah, there and everyone's right. Everyone's right on this. I hate to say it like that, but they're right Brittany if you and I went out and I said you go let's just sit at this corner table I grew up pretty sheltered this bars a little bit much for me and I go let me handle the order and I grew up Like a wild animal and I go

B what can I get you to drink here? You've been working all day in burbank. You're exhausted and you go just get me a vodka diet coke I'm lea i'm walking right i'm going to the bathroom crawling out the goddamn window It is the drink order and we're not trying to roast you But that is the drink order of someone who didn't have alcohol until after 21 You're just kind of taking two things you like they don't they can't uh okay so britney let's let's get to the root of this uh what do you like about a vodka diet coke you just like diet cokes and you like vodka or do you just like a diet coke i like that i can pronounce it i like that it's easy i like like that, you know, anywhere you go,

except some places only have Pepsi and that I will not do a vodka Pepsi. That is just, that's crossing a line for me. It's an interesting line you have there. Oh great. I'm with Gary, he's 100%. I have some taste, but I just, I don't know. I think it's lovely.

I blacked out, I forgot what you asked me, but oh, um, it's sweet It's nice. It you know If the ice melts, it doesn't taste terrible if you add like a little squeeze of lime Brittany, do you do you not really like alcohol but you're going out socially and you like the social lubrication of it all Well, I don't need it social lubrication. I'm? Well, I don't need social lubrication. I'm like a who and a half. I am usually the designated driver because I am so fun without alcohol.

However, like when I do go out, yeah, when I do go out with friends or on dates or whatever, I just, I don't want to gross people out, you know? And I think this is really, you know, I'm still single and I would like to not be. And I have a feeling maybe if I can get a cool drink order that sounds either fun or sophisticated, that might help.

I'm going to tell you this. It's not going to hurt. Perfect. Yeah. Now, let me ask you one question. And I only ask this because I'm trying to target the perfect cocktail for you. Is the diet coke part of it, is that a calorie rationale or is that just you like diet coke? That's a good question.

I just like a diet coke. I think a regular coke, it's just way too much sugar. I don't drink coffee. I'm very peppy without anything. And so I'm just afraid to add a lot of sugar coffee. I'm like very, um, happy without anything. And so I'm just afraid to add a lot of sugar in cause I'm already, you know, a little hummingbird. Can I just before Gareth, you start thinking of drinks, cause I feel like you're going in a direction that I'm going to try to get us away from. Okay. We get rid of the diet Coke of it all in the sweet drink. You're not,

you don't want to order a sea breeze, right? You don't want to order a screwdriver. You don't want to go like, do you have fresh pineapple? You're just looking for a simple drink that doesn't overly taste like alcohol. That is going to be socially acceptable. You're not somebody doesn't seem to me like you're somebody who's a problem drinker. So you're going to have one or two drinks tops. I'm going to lead out with something here, Gareth. OK, go drinks tops. I'm gonna lead out with something here Gareth. Okay go here's what I would lead out with a

Tito's vodka because when you order a specific brand, it's cooler than just saying well vodka Okay, you know when you're 22, you could just say like whatever and then they just give you trash So a Tito's is a nice solid vodka. It's also made from So a Tito's is a nice solid vodka. It's also made from its potato based and if anybody wants to check my facts I don't have them. I'm confident, but I don't have a lot of that knowledge. So I'm there. That's fine I believe it's that's your sweet spot. Yeah. Thank you. And what I would do is I would do a vodka soda with Tito's and extra limes and I would actually take the limes and squeeze them in, then mix it together. And now you've got a, you let that ice melt a little bit, which will cut into your vodka. And now you have a watered down vodka with the carbonation in the lime. And for a 36 year old

lady in Burbank who's just looking for one drink on a date, that feels pretty sweet to me. It's a sophisticated order. It feels like a nice solid thing that you pretty sweet to me it's a sophisticated order it feels like a nice solid thing that you're going to actually enjoy drinking i like it that feels good i could get behind that i like that i feel comfortable with it it's not making me sweat you know i'm not getting nervous thinking about it it's a really easy order and the name branding the vodka helps and having like the extra lime just make you feel like you got a little bit of flair. God damn it.

Yeah, like it's a little vacation. It's actually probably the cocktail I'm going to be moving to soon because I like wine. I see guys like Jake and I, we cut out hard liquor for reasons that are not, we have an allergy like gluten to it. It's more like we forget things that we said to people. We had long conversations. I had my last public blackout probably about two and a half years ago at a wedding. And since then, I've sworn off the hard alcohol as far as like, you know, shots, things like that. But a vodka soda is a very simple drink. I think you're

definitely not going to get a lot of judgment because that is a very popular drink. I have one other pitch and it's just because I think it's a good conversation start. So if you want to go under the radar, I think the vodka soda is perfect. But if you want someone to be like, what the hell did you just order in a good way? Bellini. I'm looking it up. A Bellini is low, low calorie. It is, it's gluten-free and it's just kind of a weird little cocktail to get dropped off. It's basically mimosas, but it's got a better name. Mimosas, we all know is the breakfast drink. It's what us alcoholics have with waffles to pretend like things are fine. But the Bellini is maybe a way if you're on a date and you don't want to say the

vodka diet soda, which we're all flagging as problematic vodka soda, you're going to fly under the radar. But if you want, Hey, what the hell's a Bellini? There you go. Yeah, I think you might be able to Brittany. Do you want a what the hell's a Bellini moment? Yeah, I'm a big researcher. So I'm just gonna look up a Bellini after this I think I've had one before as long as I can confidently talk about it. That's great People don't even give me a chance to talk about vodka diet coke before like you two just went off on me. So I feel like a Bellini that's more approachable. So I think I could do that. We piled on it.

Let me just say on behalf of both of us, I'm sorry. We really just we jumped right at it. I got to jump the other way. We jumped on but I think we jumped on for good reason. I agree but I'm trying to be nice. I just I know you're trying to be nice but sometimes there's a grenade and you're around a bunch and you got to jump on it. And we did, Brittany, we're here to help. We're not here to rub your back and say, great job. A vodka diet coke is a bad order. It is. It is what Charles Manson would have

said. You're right. I'm being aggressive now. Maybe I overjumped. I apologize. I don't know. I'm never going to learn if I don't hear this this That's right, but you do seem like a lovely person. I think a Bellini is okay I wouldn't lean out on a Bellini personally. I like to fly under the radar, but if you're somebody who likes to research, that's fine Here's another easy one. And this is just a you could look a little cool But without being over-the-top you could a hard seltzer and ask for anything local So sure you could go in a club, but so but you could also go like do you have any? Especially in California all these like hipster brewery places now are doing their own hard seltzers But infused with like mangoes from a local mango tree

Hey, that's pretty good. And I gotta tell you, they taste delicious. This is pretty good. There's not a high alcohol count. So if you are a quote unquote problem drinker, like the guy's giving you advice right now, you can take about a hundred of those. Yeah. You're going to be just fine. But if you make this call and you go I do many like local breweries that are doing their own hard seltzer's They will have one or two and then if you go, you know You name the fruits that's infused in it that you like you're gonna really enjoy that can in my opinion So I would go I like that. I would either go that or the most basic is vodka soda Bellini if you want a conversation starter and if you want to do the hard seltzer with a conversation starter

Hard seltzer and I'd like a champagne flute He's wrong now, I'm helping you've got some I we found some ideas here now. We like to end these with What do you think you're gonna do I think I'm gonna do the t-t-tos and vodka I think that's super easy I will do a Bellini once the summer. I will try everything And then I'll take notes. I'll report back. Great. Please. Yes. Please let us know. And I think no matter what, the fact that you're moving away from the vodka diet soda, you're just surrounded by wins. So, you know, enjoy yourself and you'll find it.

And I think also, again, I'm not, I think I'm really leaning into this conversation starter, but the fact that you're playing the field, that's a conversation starter. So if you need it, it's there. Yeah, perfect. I feel like you got real quiet after my last line there. Well, I think you honestly weirded the fuck out of everybody. Me, me, me. It's a palpable feeling right now. Gareth, I think you got too honest.

I just want the conversation started. And when we started this call, everybody was on board with that. Yeah. But you don't get the jump ship right now. I just want the conversation started and when we started this call Yeah, but you know the jump ship right now. No, we want more podcast voice Gareth. We don't want the real guy Goodbye Brittany, this was a perfect call. We appreciate you calling. We hope we helped a little bit. Thank you so much. You helped a lot. Thank you. Bye. And we're brought to you by Uncommon Goods. Listen, spark something uncommon this holiday with just the right gift from Uncommon Goods. It's the holiday season. It's hard to shop and Uncommon Goods. It's the holiday season, it's hard to shop, and Uncommon Goods makes it so much less stressful because they have all these hand-picked gifts for everyone on your list all in one spot.

So you can kind of go through the site and you'll see gifts that'll spark joy or delight, and you'll be like, oh, I never even thought of that, and you'll order it, that's what happened with me, because they really look all over the world for original, oh, I never even thought of that. And you'll order it, that's what happened with me. Because they really look all over the world for original, handmade, remarkable things. They just know the perfect gift for every single person you know. That's a Gareth T. A few of the things that I got was I got my girlfriend this sweater with dogs all over it. She loves it, the quality is awesome. So when you shop on Common Goods, you're also supporting artists and small independent businesses,

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What do you got? I'm in a very niche job market world where I'm a freelance podcast producer. There's no IMDB for podcast producers to show, here's all the shows I've worked on. So I just wanted to make something simple that just had the album art of all of the shows I've produced over the last decade. You're bragging.

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Hello. Hi there. Welcome you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. on fire. So you're in a good spot. I've made all the mistakes you could in life at the ripe old age of 42. I'm here to guide you from getting them yourself, babe. Things are bad. I see a poncho in the background. Can we get your name and where you're calling from and what's going on, please? Absolutely. My name is Courtney. I'm

37 and I'm calling from Glenside, Pennsylvania, which is a suburb of Philadelphia. Okay, interesting. I'll be there soon. All right, Courtney, what's going on? So I'm throwing a 40th birthday party for my husband in the form of a roast, like a comedy roast. Okay.

Yeah. I'm tapping out. Good luck. Kevin, you're a lawyer. Are you a divorce lawyer by any chance? Yeah, this is thin ice already, but okay, keep going. Well, okay, so he has a great sense of humor and- They all say they do. And then they get roasted. And then they're like, fuck you, Todd, get

out of my house. I know comedians who can't handle being roasted. Okay so three of them are on the zoom right now. Okay so he claims that that he has a great sense of humor okay. Yes and I noticed that he is more comfortable actually being teased than people like saying nice things about him. Like he's easier to connect with. I can relate.

Yeah. And yeah, through humor. So I think that it would be a really actually meaningful way to celebrate him. But of course, as you've mentioned, there's the risk that it could not go well and a flop would be just so uncomfortable for him but also for his guests. So yes my question is how do I help our guests our family and friends who are going to be the one roasting him how do I give them guidance on how to make this event successful and make sure that we get some laughter and you know he feels the love and it's not

just like one long cringy event. Oof. Oof. Okay. Do you know who Tony Hingecliff is? Yeah. This is a dangerous, okay, on roasts, traditionally, you have a dais. So you have, uh, you've selected people. Are you planning on going that route?

So the people who are going to be roasting him will be our friends and family. It will be like- Everybody. Did they volunteer? Yes. Or did you assign a bunch of people to do this? I'm going to invite anyone who's invited to do it. Courtney, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to stop you right now. This is actually, I'm way more qualified to give advice on running orders of shows than almost anything else that comes up. Less people.

Yeah. Less. I, you do not want to town hall it where someone could be like, Jack's a fat buck. You know, like where he's like, not a punchline. What I would do, first of all, I do not think open it up to everybody. I would, I would like, give it wedding rules. Select the people who you're going to bestow the honor onto. First of all, length is going to be an issue if you're just letting anyone do it. Also, it's it's just I do think you'll find some misses. Everybody feels like they can get roasted until it's happening.

And everyone feels like they can do roast until they step out and go. One time when he was drinking and driving, he fucking killed a kid. And you're like, oh! That's not even a rose, man. There's one guy that's like, it's not bad. Um, yeah, I think you should, what I would do is to start off with, I would select like five people.

I would not make it a super long thing. And choosing those people who your husband thinks is funny or fun or has a good relationship with because maybe your coworker who he low key kind of hates going up there and saying like, and what's the deal with adult acne? Get your shit together, man. Like that could break his fucking heart, you know?

And the other thing is that roasts, normally you open it up to roast other people too. Like it's not just the one guy. And my guess is even if your husband is comfortable with it, it's not gonna be like, let's have, you know, everybody's a target here. So if you're gonna do like the traditional dais, you know, which you kind of should,

I would pick five people. I would let, I would ask them, are you cool also having jokes made at your expense? If they say, you know, you kind of have to put in some rules. You can go at my husband, you can go at me, you should kind of host the event, you can, you know, you can go at me and you can also, Sally's down, Trevor's down, but outside of that, let's be very careful with what we do. Otherwise you are going to be like, holy fuck, what just happened back here? It's not like all your friends are shooters

or anything like that. So you can tell them, you can say like, and don't bring up the low sperm motility. Yeah, right. Be sensitive about that. You can leave a few things off the table. I would definitely. Whereas if you tell Andrew Schultz that that's unfortunately what's going to happen. That's what's going to happen.

Yeah. So I and I think that's exactly right. I would be like, you know, his brother being sick, let's not do anything in that direction. You you definitely cannot just wild west this. His mom being one of the two girls, one cup, like just leave that out of this. Yeah, exactly. By the way, I'm Starstruck. Nice to meet you. And you're surprisingly clean.

I'll fly in for the event, to be honest with you. Gareth, let's go roast the fuck out of this guy. You give us a dossier on your husband and a thousand dollars will be there. Wait, when when is his birthday? It's not until July, so I'm giving myself plenty of time to plan and give the guests some guidelines. What I would do, I would select the five. I would say, you ask the five, are you cool also having some fun poked in your direction?

And I would give a list of topics you think will be very fertile and just be like, you can hit here, here, here, here, here. You can come at me with anything you want except for this. Make it a little organized so that it's all in good fun. And then you even during the event, if you wanted, you could be like, look, I preselected these five people. Does anyone want to come up here and go a quick roast of him? You can maybe have like a wild card,

but I don't think you could just set up like a microphone and be like, let's savage my husband. I just think it'll be chaos. Yeah, and you'll need to know like, oh, our cousin Bruce is the best at this, so he's gotta go. Because if you leave it like open mic style, the last the guy goes last is the guy.

And notice, I am gendering these. Yes, it is going to be absolutely men who ruin this experience. Yes. Yes. That's why I think give it give it. Yes. Give it a running order to like any wedding you go to. People are like, I'm going to murder. And then you're like boy that was like people have confidence going into these things and

then they get kind of in the moment and they just buckle so select people five to six people give the list of things that could work and give a show order to and it's honestly not crazy for you to even be like, can I see some of the jokes? Give a little bit of shape to the event. Otherwise, it's not only going to come across chaotic, he could be like, that was brutal. Good call on let me see some of the jokes, because Courtney, you don't want a bunch of repeats either. Because you got to think about the final edit of the episode of The Roast.

All right, how does that sound to you, Courtney? Does that feel like it kind of gives you a little more of a perspective on this? Yeah, it's good. I have a follow-up question, though. Because I actually think the problem is more so that people would be hesitant to participate and go too soft. And I'm kind of wanting to like push people.

Like I would love to see his mom get up on stage and like have some zinger about him. I just think that would be so hilarious. And also like, I think my husband would enjoy that. So is there a way for the outside of the like five people I select that I think are most comfortable doing this sort of thing? Can we get everyone involved somehow, even if it's just like writing something or saying

one thing in front of everyone with some like predetermined format that can really get everyone involved because I'm kind of considering this their gift to him. Okay. I would watch some roasts, because my gut is if you want his mother to do some jokes, write her some jokes. Write her some stuff that you think will work. When you watch roasts, they do have like,

if you set it up like a traditional roast, have five people sitting there, have him sitting in his own seat, you sort of host it, and then you can bring the mother out as a special guest before the end and maybe have some jokes for her to do. But I don't see a version where, like like people will be laughing and participating. I think if you opened it up and go, hey, we're going to town hall it for a minute. So if anyone wants to come up here and say anything to my husband, let's go. But I don't think there's, I just think you need to produce it to some extent. These are heavily produced things like that seem very free and crazy,

but they're heavily produced. The people write the jokes, there is a running order, it's heavily edited for obvious reasons, there are not a lot of repeat jokes like John said. So I think you're gonna find it's a little less is more. Yeah, and I think if you have one of your funnier friends or if it's even you, write a few things for your mother-in-law and let her, you know, be like, would you be comfortable coming up and saying this? Because that you're right, that would be

a showstopper. That's always going to, it's always going to crush whether she does it very well or kind of sweetly poor bad. It's going to work. And my thought, I remember what I, uh, my train of thought was before time when you start this roast versus when you let people start drinking very well as well. You do not want to have everyone over getting sauced up, and then the roast starts two hours after that. So true. You need to get these people, because it all triggered me when Gareth said, like, you see people bomb at weddings.

And I've seen it a lot, and like 50% of the time, it's purely alcohol based. It's like a false sense of confidence comes with that. You forget kind of what you're gonna do. Someone just like talks about someone who like he slept with, and you're like, no. I can't believe he hasn't posted pictures of your feet yet. You're like, what the fuck, man, shut up.

Yeah, yeah. I think that's right. And also, if there's some people who can't make it to the event, you can do some videos. You know, you could have someone send a video in or something like that. So you have. Yeah. Along the same lines, Courtney, if that's too much production, you can and you can deliver jokes. You could say, and your cousin can't make it wanted me to say, you know, or have you sit on a dollar, it makes four quarters, bitch. Yeah, you can have a voice memo.

You could, you know, I think you can make, you can definitely include that, like, it's not, doesn't seem as structured as it actually is, but this thing could go on too long, and people are gonna start to be like, this is fucking boring. You leave on a high note is always the role of a comic. You've gotta try to do that.

No one ever bitches that a comedy show is too short. Trust. Yes. Like, yeah, you'd be so surprised at where the number is. Like, you could watch, if you listed out your 10 favorite standup comics, give them eight minutes each at the eighth person you'd be tired of standup. Toup. It's like just the best. And this is bangers.

Yeah, and I'm talking all bangers. Do you know who Paula Poundstone is? Killer. If you have never watched a woman in a suit roast cats, get involved, Court. Okay, so what do you think of that, Courtney? You feel all right about this? Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So this is your opportunity to talk to a couple of comics. This is how we would do it. I think as you get closer to the event, you're going to be able to come up with some stuff. But make sure that you know who is okay getting roasted and then get some of the jokes in and start writing some jokes for the mother right now. Okay. Yep. That makes sense. Thank you. All right. Let us know how it goes. And if you want, uh, send us some of the jokes and, uh,

we could take a look at it. That would be awesome. I'd appreciate that. Courtney, good luck. I hope me and Gareth didn't completely talk you out of it, although low key, maybe, I hope we did. Yeah, it's, remember it's a roast, not a funeral. All right, Courtney, good luck. Thank you so much. Okay, talk to you later. All right, bye.

Bye. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt. And the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio. And our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh.

And you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to GarethReynolds.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland. You can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash to the show.