We're Here to Help - 138: Scoop Your Heart Out

Episode Date: December 9, 2024

Jake and special guest Oliver Ralli talk to a caller about a potentially huge opening day for an ice cream shop. Later, Gareth and Jon Gabrus chat with a new father whose wife tells bedtime stories with maybe a little too much energy. The guys also follow up with the first caller from episode 111 "Put Some Jeans on that Baby Jesus." Finally, the guys, Dope As Yola & Marty O'Neill go on a wild ride with someone about her unusual experience with Goofy. (un-paywalled from Patreon)Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail]: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Lights are going up, snow is falling down, there's a feeling of goodwill around town. It could only mean one thing, McRib is here. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere, stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. At participating McDonald's for a limited time. And we are back. Oh, yes. On a glorious Monday.

Yeah, December. We're getting close. Getting close to Christmas. Almost that time. What are you guys doing for Christmas? Chuck, what do you got? I'm going to be in Pittsburgh for a couple days and then my parents are going to be in San Diego.

So doing a lot of traveling, which I don't like to do, but- But it's just, are you flying from Pittsburgh to San Diego or just coming here and driving? Coming here and driving. Great. It's a beautiful drive. Yeah, I know. That part will be nice. And there shouldn't be, this will be my first

like LA Christmas so I can experience the like non-traffic that I've heard about. It's the best. It's the best. It makes you really sad when it ends. Like I remember my first Christmas in LA where I was like, oh, this town is tolerable. I loved it.

This is a much better place when you just take half the people away. What do you think, Jake? We're gonna be here in LA and then we're doing last August. We went to New York for a little family vacation and the kids loved it. So we're just going to San Fran. We're going to do like a American city for a day. Just do everything you can in the big city.

That's a good little tradition. That's what I mean. I did not expect them to like New York as much as they did. Yeah. So now we're stepping out of the world of like a Disney resort or this resort that's truly very boring. Yeah. I mean resorts, after you've had your ninth drink,

you're like three more days of doing the same, seeing the same bodies in the pool. That's your ninth drink. I'm like, well, I've done it. I don't need another three days of drinking by this pool. So now we're doing cities. We're going to go to Alcatraz. We're going to do a bunch of stuff.

That's good. Put the fear in them. That's good. Put the fear in them. Well, that's the whole point of the trip. If you don't do what I say, you're going to end up on this goddamn island. You know, it's not shut forever.

I can open it. I'm just going to hang out with my mother. My mother is going to be here, and we're just going gonna hang out with my mother. My mother is gonna be here and we're just gonna hang out. So mom's coming in. Yep. Is your brother in town too? My brother's going to England the day after so we'll probably see him for a minute but then I'm just gonna cook dinner over the place and just hang out. And how's mom's hip? Hip is good. Just had the Mohs surgery. Did I tell you about that?

No. Yeah, the Mohs surgery, the skin cancer surgery. I thought it was like a three stooges surgery. Yeah, Jake's like, that's what I gave Larry. It's a real good testament to how much you should wear sunblock, but she's doing very well. Sure. She's the best. I went through her step counter the other day. My mother walks every day. Her hip surgery was so crazy. She, without even thinking about it,

is walking 12 miles every day. Wow. 12 miles regularly every day. It's nothing. That's wild. It's psychotic. That's very impressive. So we wish everyone a happy holiday.

And our gift to you this whole month is delicious. Two calls and a follow up. Two calls and a follow up. Save shit. Oh, wait. I want to preface this one. The end of this one has the goofy call, the insane one. So this one.

What's the goofy one? Jake, remember the most. Kevin's 10 is not like our 10. Kevin's 10 is probably our four. Yeah, but Kevin rattled. That's this. Oh, my gosh. This was the craziest one we've done. Yeah.

Call is only good because of what Kevin expects and what is happening, which is the miscommunication between- Why don't you set it up, Kevin? Sure. So someone emailed in saying that they were like accidentally kidnapped by Goofy. And it was kind of set up like this very silly prank- Great setup.

With a dad that kind of like went awry at like Disneyland, I think. And her friend had always heard the story a certain way. And so I was really excited because like the friend was gonna come on and we had some great guests too. And I was like, oh, this will be really fun and silly and stuff. And like a nice little twist at the end.

And it just so quickly, so hard went off the rails. I just, I feel like I watched a plane take off that I was like, that was, but that's not the point. We're on the right plane. I think this is our most off the rails call we've ever done. Yeah. We really, I mean, we've said it before, like most calls, I would say 80% were like, that was good.

Yeah. There's some where we're like, that's a home run. That was incredible. This call was one where we only enjoyed it because of how little Kevin enjoyed it. We kept it shorter too. I edited it down, but we've done maybe 350 calls. This is the only one where I was in complete shock after it it ended and she emailed and was like that was so fun thing So like it's all good, but it was just truly stunning. So it's the last call

I think I just said like thanks so much. Yeah Hello, hi, can we get your name please? Hi, my name is Gabby. Hey, Gabby, how you doing? I'm great. How are you guys? Good. So the Garf Man is not here because he's doing stand up in Alaska, but he and his cat send

his love. The shark is here. And the man who wrote the theme song for our show, We're Here to Help, Mr. Oliver Raleigh is here with us, Gabby. Hey, Gabby. What's up? Hello. How are you?

You've got an insider's meat and potato. We're here to help call. So Gabby, where are you calling from? I am calling from Florida. Florida. And what's something about you that you find interesting that we could maybe just hear about before we get started? I am a marine biologist. Wow. Alright. Okay, marine biologist. And what can we do for you today? Okay. So, my ex-boyfriend and I broke up about six months ago. We've recently got back into contact, but things have been a little bit weird.

Last weekend, the town that we live in had an Oktoberfest. While I was there, I ran into this ex-boyfriend and his family while I was drinking with my friends. I ran into this ex-boyfriend and his family while I was drinking with my friend. I talked to his dad and his dad's girlfriend for a while about the new ice cream shop that they're opening up. I was excited for them because I worked at an ice cream shop for my first job and I was in high school and college. Unfortunately, at some point during our conversation, the drinking really hit me and I don't really

remember the rest of what I said to them. Until the next day, I got a text from his dad saying that they really want to take me up on my offer to help them train their employees because of my ice cream scooping expertise before their grand opening this weekend. I don't, I unfortunately don't remember offering to help and I had to tell them at first that I couldn't help because the ice cream shop is over an hour away from where I live and I have a nine to five job so I physically couldn't make it. But all week, all week my ex has been telling me that they're running into a lot of problems and the grand opening is supposed to be tomorrow So I'm wondering if this is in real time. It's so the grand opening is actually tomorrow Saturday We're doing this on a Friday night

You got drunk and okay, Gabby. This is a wild one And you're so you're nine if it's by the way, it's a really great setup. So you're not a great job explaining it to you. I mean, you did that like a marine biologist. I respect it. So this is interesting, Gabby. So you're nine to five, meaning you are free on Saturday. Yes.

So you could drive the hour and scoop some ice cream. Yes, I totally could and they invited me to the opening. Okay. Now let me ask you a question because neither you, us, or the audience knows what you said to them that night because you blacked out and I will say from your vibe that's a shock. It is, it is actually. I did not mean to do that Is this something that happens a lot? Are you a once every two months blackout or is this like a you cannot believe you blacked out? Because it changes how we're gonna give it on

It's an I cannot believe I blacked out and I think I did because I was so nervous So I see talking to my ex-boyfriend's family again. Understood. And how long were you with this ex? About a year. OK, so it was pretty heavy. So your anxiety is on top of you. You're skyrocketing. You're seeing the ex-family. You're freaking out.

One drink makes you feel good. Two makes you feel better. Three, you're getting loose. And then all of a sudden, things start getting hazy. And the next thing you know, you told them you're a great ice cream scooper? Exactly. Wait, so real quick,

this is what I wanna figure out first and foremost. What is the relationship between you and your ex? Do you wanna get back together with him? Is he a scumbag? Is he cool? Good question. What do you feel? What do you want out of this relationship that you have with this guy?

Hmm, that's tough. He's cool and we're friends and we have a lot of mutual friends that we have a pretty complicated relationship Yeah, and that's kind of part of the problem is that we are kind of you know Trying to figure out where we stand and then I go ahead and offer my ice cream scooping services to his dad and complicate everything. That's the first time that sentence has ever been muttered. I would say in the history of human beings, in the history of communication. Yeah. So, okay that makes sense. So you, let's give this guy a name. Gabby, what do you want to call him? And it can be fake, obviously. Let's call him Joe. Joe, okay. So you and Joe, you broke up, but you kind of are connected.

You're connected to this group. Here's my question to you. What's your skill level with ice cream scooping? So I worked at an ice cream shop for six years. That was my first job. Oh, so you're great. Yeah, you're good. You're good.

Yeah, I'm really good at it. And I love the job. I talk about it a lot. I would have killed to have over been a fly on the wall of the fuck out of this. I say, yeah, a black out nervous woman talking about how good she is at scooping ice cream and then saying like, I'll fucking be there. I'll be there. Yeah.

No wonder the dad is like, Hey, we really, really need somebody to scoop ice cream. Of course they can find somebody else. They want you. The best. That's the deal. They want Gabby the six years, the best in the business. So Michael Jordan ice cream scooping. So I got a, I got a question, Gabby, and it's going to seem like I might be going in the wrong direction here.

But is there any reason that you would want Joe to feel a little bit like I let the best get away? Maybe a little bit. Okay. Because there is one move, and that is you go in there and set with some sort of vibe with like your hair pulled back overalls ready to rock you see Joe's dad and you go Oh, I'm here to help my man you get in there and you scoop the fuck out of that ice cream You scoop that ice cream you go back to those six years nearly You scoop that ice cream, you go back to those six years, nearly 1500 days of scooping ice cream. Like a marine.

Like a marine biologist. And you scoop in ways that you have never scooped. It's almost like you're paying tribute to all those days. There's this great book, A Prayer for Owen Meany, where this little guy keeps doing something he doesn't know why. And then finally in the end, he knows why. All those years of practice scooping is for this for tomorrow for tomorrow you have the chance to do the best ice cream scooping in the history of the world so that joe's dad afterwards walks up

to a son says successful day and he goes yes son and then he punches his son in the face and goes you left the best girl in the whole world escape. You're an idiot. I love that. I mean, what do you think? Yeah. Because look, you can do either.

We could come up with excuses where you say you got sick. You I'll pretend to be Gareth. You pretend that you smashed your hand in something and you got hurt. So you send a video with a fake bandage to Joe and you say, send this to your dad. I got hurt. I can't do it, but I'm really leaning. You just fucking go for it and scoop your little heart out. Be the best ice cream scooper you have ever been.

Let it be an out of body experience. Stay sober and go. I'm stuck on a detail here, Jake. out-of-body experience, stay sober, and just go on. I'm stuck on a detail here, Jake. It was the father punching the son and telling him that. Yes. You son of a bitch. You let her go.

Yeah, that's stark, man. I'll tell you why. That's a really... I'll tell you why. Please, I want to hear it. I want to hear it. You imagine our kids, Oliver. You got kids, I got kids.

You imagine one of them meet somebody and you go This one's a fucking winner. You got it Then they let it slip through their fingers then the one that slipped through Comes back on a grand opening of your store and it's so great that you're like, how could this was perfect? You've got gold right here, Joe, and you blew it. And just that adds a little bit of piss and vinegar to a victory. Yeah, but it's still no punching.

I couldn't imagine me like, whoop-boos, you blew it. Yeah. I hear what you're saying. Look, I got daughters, that's why I thought punching. But Gabby, where are you at here? Um, I like that idea. To be honest, I was kind of leaning towards going to the opening to begin with, just because I want, I want to, I want them to do well and I think it

would be cool to see it, but I was just a little bit nervous cause it's my ex and my friends kind of told me not to go. But so Gabby, here's what I would do. I would go and I would wear like a headband and a wristband and I mean this seriously. I wouldn't go dress like kind of nice but not like you want to get dirty. I would go in clothes that's ready to get ice cream on it the way you did when you worked. You are not going to socialize in small talk and be supportive. And when you get there and Joe's dad goes like, Oh, Gabby, you're such a sweetheart.

Like, no, no, no, you don't have to go. Oh, I'm here to work. And you go, I love doing this. I know how to do it. I want to help support you. And you know what you want in return? Nothing. Nothing. Drive off into the sunset. Yeah. At the end of the great day, everyone says thank you and you go, thank you. And just wait for him to just punch his son in the face. And you drive out of there as- There goes Gabby. There she goes.

Just the family fighting in an ice cream shop as Gabby drives off towards the ocean to go look at whales and shit. All the kids are just looking around, ice cream's melting, they're just watching. That is such a Florida story. And so what do you think about dressing up ready to work? Because if you go there in like a cute skirt and you're looking all nice, you know, they might feel like, oh, she's just coming to say hi and the transition to scooping might be weird.

And then you drove an hour for 15 minutes of small talk, you buy a cone, say congrats and leave that to me is a waste of time. Agreed. I think you got to go there and buy what you're wearing and your vibe. I would even consider having like a little bartender's towel on your shoulder so that when you're walking in, you just go right behind the counter.

Yeah. Oliver, is that wrong? I start my dominant. Well, Gabby, I wanna know, cause earlier, Gabby, at one point you said all your friends are telling you not to do it. So I wonder what are they saying? You know, like why are they saying that?

That's fair. They're kind of just wondering why I'm talking to him again, you know, and feeling complicated. I mean, so am I, to be honest. I feel the same. I'm wondering why too. Like, do you want to be with this dude? Like, is he worth it?

I don't know. I mean, it's a small town, so I see him around a lot. So I at least want us to be on good terms, you know? They have mutual friends. Yeah. Actually, one of my best friends is dating his brother. So that makes it very complicated. Hey, Gabs, why'd you break up?

What happened? We just were at different points in our lives, I think. You're a marine biologist, his dad owns an ice cream shop. Exactly. You know, it normally wouldn't mesh. Romeo and Juliet. It's the marine biologist and the ice cream guys. Look, it's a tale as old as time.

Yeah, we do not mix. We two people do not mix. And so you guys just kind of broke. But for you, your friends are saying, don't do this again, because you're not together. And you're saying, I'm not doing it because I want to be together. You're doing this. But let's be clear of what this is because you got blackout drunk and you made a promise. Exactly. Because I'll say this, Gabby. That's exactly. Cause I'll tell you what, if you said to me, you take away the blackout

drunk and the promise, and if you said my ex boyfriend's dad is opening up an ice cream shop, I'm a great scooper. Should I surprise them and go? The advice is going to be no. Yeah. Right. You throw into that, that, uh, that soup, you got blackout drunk and promised it, and most likely talked a lot about how good you are at scooping. And the advice is drive the hour and scoop your little ass out.

I think the context of this makes it okay, where it really does not make you seem weird. It's not like a Thursday where you had to ask your boss if you could take off work. Agreed. You work nine to five on Friday, you're gonna swing by Saturday, scoop some ice cream, say hi and go back. I totally agree.

Yeah, I think you're in a good spot here. Okay. Now the other thing that we could pitch, if you want another thing, is ways to not go unless you want to go. I think I kind of want to go now. I think I need to assert my scooping dominance. So please just go see what happens. Say yes to the adventure, scoop your ass off and then as soon as you leave and you get in the car, I'm truly as a favor get right on your voice notes and your phone and

Don't edit yourself. Just ramble. Yeah, okay Perfect you roll Gabby. Best of luck. Can't hear what happens. Thank you. Thank you so much Hey guys, it's Gabby I called in earlier about how I drunkenly offered to help my ex-boyfriend's dad open an ice cream shop. I wanted to just call and give you a little update and let you know that I did in fact make it to the grand opening. I actually got there a little bit early and they didn't even give me a choice. They just put me right to work. They even gave me a t-shirt.

And honestly, I had a lot of fun. I was pretty crazy at first because no one was really trained, but they seemed to figure it out and the opening seemed to be a big success. They did a really good job. So I'd say this was a win. You guys really gave me the confidence to go and show up

and my ex-boyfriend has been asking me to hang out every day. So thanks for your help. This episode is brought to you by Greenlight. Greenlight is a debit card and money app for families. Parents can send money to their kids and keep an eye on kids spending and savings while kids and teens build money, confidence and lifelong financial literacy skills. This is something that I use with my kids. I like being able to put their chores on it.

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Quince.com slash here to help. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hello. Hello. Hi there, welcome to the show. It's got a hot voice. You've got Gareth, you've got the shark as always, and we've recast Jake for this episode with the great John Gabras. So you've got a shark as always. And we've recast Jake for this episode with the great John Gabras.

So you've got a lot coming your way. We've got a good feeling. Who are you? Where are you calling from? And what the hell is going on? Yeah, perfect. This is Jake Johnson calling in. My name is Caleb.

I'm calling from Michigan. And I'm calling about a problem with my wife. We recently had our first child, our first newborn child. Thank you. Thank you so much. She's two months old now and we're starting to figure out you know what the nighttime routine looks like for us. Something consistent and mostly consists of one of us holding the baby while the other one starts to read. You know getting the last little feeding in. The problem is that my wife reads too enthusiastically. When she's reading the nighttime stories, she uses a little bit too much... She's putting a little too much sauce on it?

Yeah, a little bit too much sauce. Sometimes a voice here or there. The good news is that it does dwindle. By the third story. She's kind of into whisper mode where I like to be. I feel like, you know, a little bit of a gentle voice. It's just a soothing noise to try and get the baby to calm down. Yeah. Caleb, what is your issue with how she reads? What is your, why do you feel like the way she's doing it is a problem? So yeah, so it's, it's real, I would say maybe not a problem now. I'm just trying to secure the future here a little. I think that

can we hear? Can we hear how it sounds to you? Yeah, yeah, it's, it's gonna seem nitpicky, because to be honest, it's pretty subtle, but it's enough for me to notice, but I'm going to give it my best shot. It already feels nitpicky to me. I think you hate your wife, if I'm being honest. As a guy who's been, I just had my 13th wedding anniversary. Trust me, it's going to come across as nitpicky. Yeah, the only way, okay, go ahead. Let's hear it. Can you believe my wife does this hyper-specific thing that I see every single day and you guys

have no idea about? Isn't that frustrating? Oh man, I need the context of living with her. Yeah. I'll give you my best shot. All right. Let's go. You want her version? I assume. So, yeah, uh, it is, uh, I will love you till the cows come home.

I will love you till the cows come home on the earth of stone on spaceships from Mars, I will love you till the cows come home on the earth of stone on spaceships from mars i will love you till the cows come home i will love you till the yaks come back from the cadillac to the pink backtrack i will love you till the yaks come back um that's the best i can do for now first of all for me it's just great verse um thank you bars yeah i mean it just i I mean, just ridiculous. Bars, fire, bars, signer. I want, what's your wife's SoundCloud? I'm Yax, come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

John, do you hear a problem? Yeah, I think you got to break up, dude. I know you have a brand new newborn, but I think you need out. I think, honestly, with that kind of read, a judge would give you custody as well. Caleb, can you read it how you would want it read or how you read it?

I think I could guess that this Roman Mars-ass dude reads it. With that sultry baritone. Kids, oh, kids. Oh man. Here's, here's my best version of the words are different because I'm just trying my best. So here's what I typically go for. I will love you till the cows come home. On ships from Mars and glass and stone.

I will love you till the cows come home. And the yaks come back and their pink backpacks. I will love you till the yaks come back and the pink backpacks, I will love you to the yaks come back." There's something a little bit more subtle, quiet, try to be soothing. Is your issue that you think the way she's reading it is keeping the baby up too long? That's my, my, my fear is that as she gets older and again, I'm just projecting new, as she gets older, okay. As she gets older, that maybe mom's versions get a little bit more exciting

when we're actually getting some interactions back from our child and that the voices get sillier. And so now, again, I understand that's nippy. But for me, some of those kind of excitement, I like to say that as I'm staring at the at the baby that she's like wiggling while mom's reading, but it's not quite there. I just get this like, man, we got to be careful. Maybe we got to police this now.

Okay. So when she's older, it's not a big of a problem. First of all. We got to dip this in the bud. I do think a lot of this lives in your head. Why don't we act out, why don't I be your wife and I'm going to, I don't know your wife, let's call her Shelly. Okay.

Why don't you walk me through this conversation and let's see how this feels coming out of your mouth Okay, so just just going for it. Okay. Yeah. Oh God, she just she just went to sleep. Finally took a minute. I know it took a little longer tonight than usual I know It's got a swagger she loves that cows come home book. It's just so good. I know. Yeah. No, it's got a swagger. She loves that. She loves that cows come home book. It's just so good. I know. I'm a little sick of reading it, but everything for her, everything for her. And we can, we can mix. Absolutely. Shelly. We love, we love her together. But anything we can do, obviously to make it easier for us. So maybe I can read sometimes,

you know, sometimes when you read, maybe you're doing a little too much, you know, maybe you're a little too excited. And that's why it's so annoying for you to read the same book over again and you know i don't want to do any wakeer what do you mean you know the way you know you just you get really excited about how the cows are always coming i'm not excited i'm trying to what do you mean i just i think there's a little bit of excitement when you talk about those cows coming home and the yaks and their backpack and i just wonder if maybe that gets a little bit of excitement when you talk about those cows coming home and the yaks and their backpack. And I was wondering if maybe that gets a little bit too much for you or maybe you think when I talk about the yaks and their backpack that that are you. Hey, Caleb.

Hey, Shelly. It's me, your babysitter, Nina. Hey, Nina. Thanks for sticking around so late. Are you guys okay? Is everything okay? The baby keeps crying because they get they can hear both of your voices. And the baby's-

Oh God, I think we left the monitor on. The baby's- Oh no. Yeah, you have the monitor on and you have it switched on reverse. Oh no. Oh dear, that's probably, sounds like Satan's yelling at her.

Yeah. You see, Caleb, do you feel like you can have that conversation? No, and that's for my life because you guys had a secret back's so secret back, you know, back door to help me, you know. Caleb, this is going to sound this is going to sound awful. But like, hold on to this one, brother, because this is is the least of your fucking

problems. Yeah, I feel like you have a newborn. Like a kid is such a fucking variable in a marriage. Shit is going to get so much fucking crazier. Just let this one go. Here's my pitch, okay? Here's my pitch. Start reading it crazier than you think she is and see if you can prompt her to have a conversation with you and then you can be like, I feel like we're reading it kind of the same way and And then maybe that's a way to get her to tone it down a little. I do not think at this part of parenting

you can have that conversation. Because I'm not gonna lie, it's probably good the way she's reading it. But if you feel like it's wrong. Not an early education specialist. But I think a mom trying hard is always gonna be good. And giving some animation mom trying hard is always going to be good. And giving some animation to it I feel like is probably good while you're just sitting in

there kind of like infomercialing it. She's giving it like some animation. There are kids being raised by parents who are just drinking wine in the other room. You know what I mean? Trust me. That's fair. John and I have been sterilized. Why don't we try a version right now where you read it too big to see if we can prompt your wife to be like, what's going on in there? Okay. Sounds good. I'm just going to stick with the cow's home home because it seems to be a crowd favorite.

Well, okay. That's how you feel. Well, I've heard it both ways. Let's ask your daughter. Okay, I will love you till the cows come home. I will love you till the cows come home and the yaks pull over the backpacks while we come back with a snack. We will love you till the X. Come back. Are you reading this or are you off the dome? Are you so in the dome? This is off the dome. We've read this book. This seems to be our favorite as far as, you know, a mixture. I bet you you are the person who has thought about this book more than anyone including an author. Oh, you should message the author.

Yeah, that's fair, yeah. She wrote, it was obviously magical. My wife is overinterpreting. You're brilliant. I would do that. Give that a shot for a couple nights when your wife is nearby. See if you can prompt her into giving you a note and then you can be like, oh, I'm just trying to do it like you, but maybe we just, maybe we're both doing it a little more.

Like, you know what I mean? Like sometimes you have conversations with your significant other where the move is to just go, well, even if you feel like you're not doing something wrong, you'll kind of back down on a thing because you're like, I want this tension to end. So I would maybe try that. Give that a shot. Okay. Yeah. I think I like the idea of over of over delivering. And maybe you don't even have to say anything.

Maybe that'll just light Shelby up of like, wow, that's kind of annoying. Should I am I doing anything like? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's the only way because you just there's no way you can just be like, hey, video village. We got a couple of thoughts. No way you can just be like, hey, video village, we got a couple thoughts. Hey, I know up until two months ago, this child was being kept alive solely by you

and living inside of you to the point where you were a shared organism in a way. But I just wanna say, you're like really committing hard to like reading to our child. Her back hurts right now, her nipples are sore, and then Caleb's coming in like, you're hitting Yax a little hard. Yeah, no, this was fair.

I knew this was coming, but I think it's a good attack, yeah. So give that a shot. That's your only move. And also, if you're talking about nipping in the bud, this is a future problem. I honestly, my mother read me stories, she was animated, and now I'm on the number one podcast in America. So, it'd be worse. All right, buddy, well, let us know how it goes, okay?

Okay, sure will. Thank you. All right, Caleb. Bye. And we are brought to you by Dewar. Listen, we've talked about Dewar a lot on this show. We love Dewar. We have dressed each other in Dewar.

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But they have so much more stuff. You can go there and you can just... It really is an amazing place to source a bunch of things. It feels like you're going through Indiana Jones' library. There's just tons of things, and you're supporting small, independent businesses when you go to UncommonGoods.com. Many of their handcrafted products are made in small batches, so don't wait around and be like, oh, I'll come back tomorrow and get it now. Uncommon Goods looks for their products, then makes sure they're high quality, unique, handmade,

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here to help for 15% off. Don't miss out on this limited time offer on common goods. We're all out of the order. Hey everyone. It's the shark. The original call from this next follow up aired on September 5th. It's called put some jeans on that baby Baby Jesus and it is the first call in the episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hello. Hi.

Hello. Welcome back to the show. We're here to help. This is a follow-up. Who are you? Yeah. What's happening? Gareth and I are in the dark. How'd we do?

Okay. So this is Emma and you might know me better as baby Jesus' mom. Baby Jesus' mom. How great is it to not know? Oh, oh, wait, wait, wait. Yes. Relay what happened. I remember.

Okay. Relay what happened, I remember. Okay, so my mom has this plan to do a wild Christmas letter and have my infant son as baby Jesus, but she wanted to do it naked. Wait, what? Yeah, see that doesn't ring a bell. No? Yeah, I didn't know we dealt with baby nudity on this. We've done a lot of calls.

You did a perfect, you did a perfect David Brent from the office. You go like, yes. And then he goes, naked baby. You go, yeah. No, I don't. Doesn't bring him. No, not me. I'm not part of this one.

Nope. Not me. I've never heard of this one. This woman's obviously out of her mind. So Emma, walk us through this problem again. This, for some reason, I'm not remembering all the the gloriousness. Shocking. Do you remember this one? I remember that setup. I don't remember us dealing with baby Jesus nudity. So walk

us through it Emma. What was the main problem and then what did we pitch and then we'll stop at that. Okay, so the main problem was I didn't want my son to be embarrassed. My mom does really wild Christmas cards. She's really popular with her Christmas letters. And her idea was to have him be baby Jesus along with my nieces, my daughter and my nephew. And I was, I needed help on how to solve that. And you pitched just making my boundaries really weird and putting him in maybe khakis and a barista apron and a mustache and just

making it really weird to see if she would just kind of stop so we didn't help so well okay no because I was I was banned from any further photo shoots. And honestly, oh, wait, did you bring that you brought the boy with all the, with the, the target attire with a mustache? No, it, it didn't, it didn't happen. But I did walk into my mom continuing the project, which I actually thought was a bust. And some of my nieces were not going to depict any religious figures. But I did find my mom with a huge spread of different size cutouts of my son and my nieces and my nephew and my daughter with different backgrounds. And I sent some of them to shark.

Whoa! grounds and I sent some of them to shark. Whoa. Jesus Christ. And I do mean Jesus Christ. Oh my Lord. Jake, you want to? This is. I don't even know what I'm looking at. It's a photo of. Yeah.

You're looking at basically the red carpet of the manger. We've got the wise men. I'm assuming we've got a child. Oh, we've got, um, we've got the Virgin Mary child also holding your child in a blanket. A couple of the kids are angels. I believe there's a cat in the universe. This is not wild stuff. And then at the bottom, the text is Jesus. I trust in you. And there is a regular Jesus in the background. And in the corner, there's just some feet.

You know what? I would say, if this show was going on for a lot longer, this deserves to be in the Shark Tank. I completely agree. Oh, these are the photos. There's now another one of the Virgin Mary holding your son in what looks like a curtain. So walk us through.

You got banned. It's crazy. He's not naked. He's not naked though. So you can ring the bell, I guess, because he's not naked. No, I don't know what is happening. You didn't take any of our advice. And for some reason, you got bad. I wasn't I wasn't allowed. I just wasn't allowed because I wasn't taking

it seriously. And when I okay, I like that you you called out the regular Jesus because I said, Oh, sorry. But maybe Jesus looking up at Jesus. Yeah, sorry. Are they the same person? And she said, I'm really concerned about you. And I said, Oh, so it's like a different timeline Jesus like in the Marvel movies. And he was like, Yeah, I just really like it. So I was a concern. And then I got the vibe.

Still really weird. Well, I will say right thing. concern and then I got the vibe still really weird. Well, I will say right thing. Well, look, we're going to wrap this up and I'm going to say this, Emma, we appreciate this is a heck of a follow up. This is another loss for the show. I say, but Jay, Jay, here's what I'd say. It's not a loss. It's just not a win. I don't think we were able to bring a rule book to this sporting event.

Yeah, but the rule was that she was supposed to dress up the baby like a little barista and the mom was gonna get so mad. If your mom is bringing Photoshop to a baby Jesus shoot fight. That's true. I mean you can't bring logic into that. I mean that. I don't think that she would ever get off the computer if she actually understood Photoshop I think she'd have too much fun with it. We'd never see her again. Well, it's a shock I mean that the picture we just saw is like something you would see in a thrift shop

Agreed like you'd just be like what you know, you know what you could do with that image Emma Like you'd just be like what you know, you know what you could do with that image Emma make a hundred thousand copies and just Start hand delivering them to people put them in thrift shops mail them to strangers Put the image on some shirts that thing needs to travel That's something somebody wants to find like a suitcase on the beach in four years and go like what am I looking at here? Because you're right. It's time traveling Jesus, which is incredible. There's dogs, there's cats, there's two ages of Jesus. There's a baby Virgin Mary. I mean, logic has not entered anywhere near the Photoshop. You know what I like about mom? She just said, fuck it. Yeah. You know what I like about mom? She goes, listen, I'm not taking notes. You know what? It's the equivalent.

If it's a movie, it's the room. She made, she's just going the picture. I'm going to make the movie. I want it. Yeah. I'm just doing what I want. And you go like, but, but Virgin Mary's five, shut up. Okay. And Jesus is regular age and right. And there's a cat in the cloud. Shut up. What's the dog? I mean, it's a big win for your mom.

I mean, it is. I hear every year is a win. And then my three nieces that aren't in the picture, I did see one picture of them. And I'm concerned that she's just going to like cut them out and make them into whatever she wants. Emma, I got a new pitch. I got a new pitch and I think I'm right here. You got to lean in and every year not only your kids you got to get in these photos too. This is gonna this is your family legacy. I've got an idea. Photoshop your mom on the devil's body with a computer. Just go, this is what I picture every time you know, you don't say you did it. It just appears at her house every Sunday, a new, a new photo job of her as Satan. As Satan.

And then you never admit to it. Don't do that to the poor woman. No, I would say you should do it. I would say let her cook, but if I'm you, Emma, lean in. If you got it, if your kids every year were in these photos, you know how funny it's going to be for them when they're in their thirties looking back? I mean, I had to deal with it my entire life. Let them be naked.

That was the problem. And I guess because he's not naked. Mandatory. He's got to keep his shorts on. Outside of that, let mom cook. By the way, if if a title, by the way if we, if you told me when we started this follow up that that sentence would make sense, I would have been worried about what we were about to hear.

I wonder if it is a win because I think our main point would have probably been make sure the boy keeps his shorts on. Again, just hearing that. Because that's something I would stand for 100%. And maybe they'll let you- The show is pro babies keeping their shorts on in Jesus pictures. Very clearly. In all photos, Garrett.

In all photos. Yay! Yes. Yay! Yes. Okay. So I would say ring the bell. I agree.

I think we have to ring it. Ring it. We have to do it. He's ringing it. We just can't hear it because Zoom's weird. Emma, we appreciate the call. And please keep sending the email those photos. Keep it coming. Every holiday. I did get a text update saying thoughts and she added a glitter halo. So yeah, I will keep sending them until maybe the more dramatic final reveal for you guys. I love it. What a teaser. Thank you Emma. Say hi to the baby Jesus. Bye. Caller are you there? Hi. Hi.

Hi. Thank you. Can we get your name, your age, and roughly where you're calling from? Yeah. My name is Ara. I'm 24 and I'm calling from Brooklyn, New York. Okay. We'll get into how the hell you spell that soon.

I went A-R-A. How far off am I? What I liked was I noticed we both paused, but they're like, what the fuck is that? It's gross that we see each other's notes. It's soon. I went a RA how far off am I like those I noticed we both pause but like Rose that we see each other's Take those a lot of hearts. Hey listen, you have Jake you have Gareth We're the usual but you also have from the dope as usual podcast Marty and Thomas joining us today You're getting a four-headed monster. Everybody listening also check out dope as usual. I did their pod. They're great guys. Great. Thank you All right, all right. How do you spell that name? It's a RAA

Never would have had an interesting the batteries. Yeah. Okay. What can we help you with? What's going on? Okay, so when I was eight years old my dad and I went on my first trip to Hong Kong Disneyland Wow, we were staying in the Disneyland Resort years old, my dad and I went on my first trip to Hong Kong Disneyland. We were staying in the Disneyland Resort and so in the restaurant, like sometimes the characters will like come and say hi to all the kids. So I'm eating breakfast one morning with my dad and you know the Mickey gang come in and I'm getting pictures with all of them and so I have a really cool picture with Goofy and I get another picture with Pluto and before I know it one of them like picks me up and runs out of the room.

What the fuck? Yeah like an attempted kidnapping. Wait, wait, sorry, just to be clear, because we were all like, hey, this is like one of the characters literally tried to kidnap you in a Hong Kong Disney one. Yes. So, you know, one of them picks me up. I'm like eight years old. Don't I'm not really fully conscious of the world. this whole time. I'm thinking that it was goofy and my dad also tells me like I really hope this is a comedy second half. Yeah, I'm literally like screaming and crying I'm like I'm about to be killed yes, and So I've maintained this story like for the last 16 years of my life.

And like, you know, like, goofy, like tried to kidnap me once and everyone's like, um, what? So I'm like, recently going through these pictures again. Yeah. And I am absolutely dumbfounded to learn that it was actually Pluto and not goofy. We are looking at the pictures and then my first thought was, yes, you're dealing with Pluto. Goofy is the red herring. Yeah.

Hold on. None of that matters. Pluto tried to get some guy named Gary. Well, keep going. Okay, so you have this revelation, right? Okay. Kevin cannot be throwing up these fucking pictures. This is an emotional roller coaster.

I gotta tell you, see the incongruent nature of the seriousness of kidnapping and then the pictures we're seeing. You have the right guys in this one because you told me some wild ass stories on yours. To me, it's how many dogs have been thrown in jail because of a mis- mis- representation. You need to grub on this one. So, Ara, what- There you go. What is happening? The crocodile.

So, my- my issue is now that I've realized that it's Pluto, I'm not sure how to break this to all of my friends that I've told this story to, cause I feel like my story isn't really funny anymore. It's still funny. Wait. Kevin, jump in here. I don't think the breeze is on. This is not like a serious kidnapping.

I think it was like posing for photos and he jokingly like grabbed her and walked away. Oh, he did not. True crime photos. He did not actually. So he like took me. Go ahead. We're trying to figure out if you were almost kidnapped kidnapped who gives a fuck if it's Pluto or goofy So I straight up this is what I remember

I remember just being picked up and in like running out of the room where I couldn't even see my dad anymore And I was like Screaming and crying and I come back and I'm like I ran to my dad. I was like, how could you let this happen to me? Meanwhile, my dad is like just taking pictures of this, right? Clearly. It's a great shot. It's in focus. All of them.

This is, hold on. This is taking a weird turn. The email was like a lighthearted joking. He tried to like, you know, move away with me. It was not a serious like I was almost legitimately kidnapped. Is the middle ground here that it was super traumatic for you, but your life was never an actual dire stress? No, it wasn't like traumatic, but I'm just, but my problem is that it's like a story that I tell everybody because it's really funny

But now I'm like, you know what? I mean? It's like, how do I break break it to my friends? That it's Pluto and not the actual goof guy. The goof first of all have some respect. His name is goofy. Not a goof guy I Listen you got a pitch. Well, I do Leave it. don't say anything and just the confusion you have like when I see it. I go. Yeah, it's Pluto It's goofy. Well, whatever I would just I would you I mean you've told everyone this Goofy is probably the better punch-up even looking at the pictures you sent the goofy one is funnier But I would I would leave it there.

I would stick with it being goofy. I would not make a sea chain. I'm thrown on this one. What did your dad do for work that he could just take you to Hong Kong, Disneyland? First thing in my head. Yeah, that- I didn't even know that Apple was there. Neither.

I did not know they existed either. But also, what was your dad doing sitting there while you got in an app? Yeah, letting Pluto yasuzla. So, Aura our what is this? So you he was doing a bit. I'm confused. Yeah, I think the problem is you got to talk to your dad And say if someone's grabbing a kid and running away stop snapping picks Okay, Captain America show up at my kid's party and deep throat three balloons. This has been a train wreck that being said We do have a special guest joining us

on the call. Who? Our friend is joining her because she's going to confront her on that she's been getting this story wrong her entire life. So when she emailed, she said, I feel really bad because I've been getting the names wrong. I've been telling this story Incorrectly my entire life. So I said would you like to tell someone on the call? That you've been getting the story wrong there in your entire life. She said yes, let's try it. Let's

Hello Hello Thomas and Marty will you guys set up stranger? What is happening? No, no for this is like a horror story or like I thought it was Your friend basically got pranked didn't like it. She confused a mascot. I don't think you care I don't think you care for the Superman or Captain America Goofy or Pluto. Yeah, it's the same story except. Oh, you know what? I'm burn. I was eight. It was goofy Same story except. Oh, you know what? I'm burn. I was eight. It was goofy After all that hello, no way was that real? Yeah, that's just a caller

Can we get your name higher than I am? Leia hey Leia. All right, you're joining us in what I would only call a quagmire Yeah Now, you know Aura your friends with someone named Aura. Quick pause because this is the wildest one we've ever had Will you guys please like that join and enjoy yourselves? Are we gonna get trouble from head gum on this? Let me ask That's how we deal with authority light it up and we We are now in a galaxy of who knows Am I intruding on something? Yes, in many ways we all are being

intruded on and intruding at the same time, Leah. So you have a friend named Aura. Aura is called our show. We have a podcast that's called We're Here to Help and normally we try to help people. I honestly think we all might need the help of a professional after kind of going through what can only be called a strange, bizarre traumatic trip. But our the floor is yours. Our has something to tell you. So our talk to Leah will sit here and maybe get high. So you remember my goofy kidnapping story? Yeah.

You know how, like this whole time, I was telling you that was that it was goofy and I was like, super traumatized by it by it. Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, so I looked back on pictures and actually it was Pluto. Okay. Do you think my story's so funny? You know, sure.

I'm just kidding, yeah, of course. Of course, because I just think you're funny, like as a person. So, obviously. Thank you. And then I would be a bad friend if I said no. In summation, Kevin, what do you think here, big daddy? This went exactly like I wanted it to, best call.

Aralea, this, I'm not kidding you, has been maybe our wildest call I'm glad it was you guys because we actually blame it on you guys somehow when I did yours Dope as usual that was one of the wildest ones I've been part of your stories were excellent and you entered us into this like wild galaxy So all right, you have now been part of a co Podcast we're here to help and dope as usual This is the mixing of the world because this one has not felt like anyone we've ever done This has been wild are we hope you feel better Leah. We hope you feel like us and have no clue what's happening

We want to thank Marty and Thomas for joining us and honestly changing the game a little bit by the natural energy Yeah, and I would say in the future if you're ever near getting kidnapped The your father has to help more Thomas and Marty, thank you for joining. Dope as Usual podcast is way less wild than this one. And I never thought I would say that. I just want to say I never went into a call more confident in my whole life. I was like, millions and millions will love this.

And here we are. We appreciate you guys. Thank you for calling. Good luck we are. We appreciate you guys. Thank you for calling. Good luck out there. Thanks. Yeah. Bye. Bye.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeyo and our video editor is John De Bruyne social media director is Kaitlyn Tanwakeo, and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh,

and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E, and if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentals.com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland, you can find them on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004.

And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash year to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.