We're Here to Help - 155: Jake's Faves: Twin Circumcision & Watermelon Thighs (with Max Greenfield)

Episode Date: March 19, 2025

For this bonus re-release, the guys turn to their friend Max Greenfield, who has had multiple memorable stints on the show. First, they help a caller determine if his twin brother is circumcised. Later, they counsel a mom about a gecko conundrum. Last, they hear from a caller determined to destroy a watermelon using only his thighs.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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We are Nat Attack. What were you saying? Well, we've obviously since Nat Attack. Now, I guess this will proceed the you know our order is weird Yeah, but we just set it up there Well, we finally you know as we crew up as we crew out as we posse up we you know Holy cool terms this morning buddy. I haven't even brushed my teeth we cool terms this morning. Buddy, I haven't even brushed my teeth.

Now I don't know exactly how we stumbled on it, but the crew's starting to get some nicknames. We got Jesse, who's J-Dawg, and that's fine. That's good for him. But the one that really hit was Nat Attack. Natalie, our producer, is now Nat Attack. I'm not 100% sold on J-Dawg. Okay, that's fine with me. But I'm not against it.

I'm not gonna fight for it, but not attacking wobby wob is great But we didn't create that super established. We can't give Rob a nickname because armchair Agreed already night. Yeah, he's why do I? And I almost don't feel comfortable using it because it's not art like I agree But but he's he's how, he's skirted it. But Nat, Natalie, Nat Attack. Nat Attack is ours. She's cooked.

Nat Attack is ours now. Yeah, and we should say people will hear the origin, but we didn't come up with it. No, we didn't. The caller did. Today is a re-release of some calls. And I'll tell you, what we're doing a little bit on these, which is fun for Gareth and I, is the other guy doesn't know. This is, we're going to each curate every once in a while and we'll get together.

And so I'll tell you what we're doing on this one, Gareth. Max Greenfield special. Oh, great. Right? Now do the calls always have to be with our guest or can we do any call? No, we can do whatever we want. Cause I know one I'm gonna do and I want one carte blanche.

Okay, Greenfield. Yes, I would say when I pick mine, I make my rules, when you pick yours, you make your rules. My rules are there are no rules and that's for every rule always The door everything ever said you're trying to be so listen. You're listen to this This way younger listen to the show if you want to hear some problems with how I speak and say dorky things I love that max has been a phenomenal

Yes, the best guest on our show and to talk about the show while we're making the show, which is something we've gotten very into doing because it's fun. Because also it's a podcast and it's fun. Yes. What are you feeling about these new Wednesdays, the freedom of them, where you at? Good, I think it'll provide, well first of all,

being able to relisten to some classics is great. And I think that the new stuff we are doing is awesome. I mean, we're- You're loving where we're at. Well, I will find out what people think, but I think people will come along for the ride. And like we said, I mean, the deal was we were gonna do one a week,

and then we kind of just decided to... Have some fun. Yeah, have some fun. It's still more work, but it's not as much. I agree. So I think it's a good balance. How are you feeling?

I'm feeling excited. It's... Natatak and I have been texting a lot. Okay, that's interesting. Well, no, Shark and I did too. You don't actually feel sensitive about that. It's fine Do it. I text her I text her too. I text Rob too. You were texting behind the scenes work stuff. Do you care? No, but

It's not personal. We're not talking about how much we like each other. Yeah, I know it's just Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. I don't want it. Just do it Steve said about a prank He Gareth would do it, but he's too lazy Stuff for texting you're not interested in no, I'm fine Good unit, but a day later you would just write thumbs up and then go love this great and all the Already been made because there's a deadline. That does happen.

I'll be like, wait, these all happened yesterday? And then you'll write like, love this in total agreement. Sounds great. Well, I'm easy. I like that. That's not accurate. That is highly accurate. Anyway.

You're easy the way a teenage kid is easy. Oh, so you're saying I have a youthful exuberance that rubs up against your old age. Yes! I've been saying that for a long time. That's the whole premise of the show. Yeah, yeah. I'm a kid and you're a dad. That's the whole dynamic.

And let me cook. It is a teenage boy and a 70-year-old grandpa. Our show is Tuesdays with Maury. We actually do age in the other directions. 100%. With, yeah, I have a child in the same age body as you and you are an old man in the same age body. You know what, it's like we are a science experiment

of two people born near one another. Yes. but who lean so far in the other direction. It's like twins, but with age. We just covered- Nobody can see, it's just on the inside. Yeah, it's just on the inside. Like you hang out, you're like, Jesus Christ. This one guy won't stop talking and the other guy's furious. What gender, unfortunately we both won't stop talking and we're both furious.

That's the gross connection There was ever shut the I know It's gross. It's gross, but like we were saying One of our guests that we had recently when we were doing, you know We've gotten better at not trying to Fucking you know do the tuck every time and just get in with the line. I agree. We've gotten better at also just changing,

cause who cares, cause it's fun. Yeah, I agree. You know what, let me ask you a quick question about the age thing, cause that was pretty funny to me, this idea of twins, and that you're closer to 18 and I'm closer to 65. I would go for it too, but yeah, go ahead. I would go 70.

I was trying to be nice to both of us. You're like if a liver spot was a man. What generation do you relate to? Ooh, I mean, I, you know, there was something about the 60s that, in my, like in my, you know, era era ish the 60s really for me the answer you want to say that's not no it's true you can go take LSD and you were fighting you were talking about you know no no no I'm talking about listen I look go look

at the 70s they all had curls it was not the 70s this you know, who's Harry yours is Fessy from the new challenge. Oh, you know what get out of my ass. That is crazy. Let me read you a little something Jake Here's a DM. I received Okay, recently I have yet to reply to because honestly, I don't know what to say But I read this and I thought, well don't send this to Jake because this is just going to open a can of worms but since we're on this subject. Hey Gareth, big fan, long time listener. I have a genuine question that I've wanted to ask for a long time.

How do you get those great curls? Seriously, it looked great. I know you and Jake have joked several times on the podcast about a perm But I would be eternally grateful if you shared your secret kindest regards a big fan from sweet You know what I hope it's a photo of a You and alpha I bet it's you by the way, that would be so funny if it was me it's not I wish you by the way I 100% wish I did that Okay, well wait, all right, I say 60s because no because it's a cool answer No, the real answer for you is no Jen alpha and the real answer for me

I want to be smoking a joint with weirdos in a field When was the last time you smoked a joint with weirdos in a field? Banging someone in a shrub, huh? When was the last time you smoked a joint in a field with weirdos? Well, I don't smoke weed anymore. But exactly when I did it was you permed your hair and worried about the tightness Not a perm tightness my jeans tightness of my jeans is a regular worry. No doubt. Absolutely Absolutely. There is nothing wrong with Jen alpha. I'm raising two Jen alphas Jake your children are 12. Stop saying that that's who I am. What?

You said 14. Oh, shut up. What's yours? That's the question. Boomer. Absolutely. Or, you know what's really what it is? Whatever the generation was who did. Sitting in a cafe wanting someone to take their hat off while they're eating out of respect for the flag. Exactly. That's you.

You know what mine is? Whatever generation was the Civil War fighters. And who's like, I came to, I built this goddamn country. What are you talking about? I've got to wear a baseball cap. I can't wear a baseball cap. Whatever that generation was, I'm like, I think that was probably right around when I should have been.

I should be at this point. You during the Civil War, you would have been like, this guy that was probably right around when I should have been. I should be at this point. You during the Civil War would have been like, this guy needs to lighten up. What me? Yeah, yeah. They'd be like, he's intense. Yeah. He's a little intense. He's heavy dish food.

Jesus Christ. He's eating some shit. Did he fight in the war? No, no, he just, he just is like that. He just had, he's an intense guy. So we got Max Greenfield on. Yeah. We are actually going to do something.

We're going to do something. We're going to do something. We're going to do something. We're going to do something. We're going to do something. We're going to do something. fighting the war? No, no he just he just is like that. He just had he's an intense guy. So we got Max Greenfield on. Yeah. We are actually gonna do something fun where I was talking to Natalie about it I said let's just go along because I was listening to his old episodes and really laughing so we're gonna do all three of his calls. Oh great. And a follow-up so it's gonna be a really long episode but also who cares. One thing I love about Matt when Max is on the show is we'll pitch things, he'll be silent for a minute, and then he'll be like, what the fuck are you guys talking about?

And we'll be like, buddy! Come on, get in the zone! We suggest bad things! So everybody enjoy the show. We know we are. We are. Nobody else says we are. The texting after yesterday. I agree. And without further ado. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Wonderful episode of We're Here to Help, your favorite podcast, our favorite podcast, is sponsored by Squarespace.

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Speaking of wraps, they have wraps. Take advantage of this exclusive offer. For a limited time, get 40% off your first box plus get a free item in every box for life. Go to hungryroot.com slash here to help Hello. Can I get your name, please? Yeah, this is Robert. Robert. Hey, Robert. Where are you calling from, Robert? I'm from Kansas. Kansas. And about how old are you?

Thirty two years old. Robert, you got a special one. My old buddy, my partner in crime, a guy I've spent more hours with than most people in my life. Close. Family. Close quarter.

In a little room talking shit. From New Girl, Mr. Schminnie Max Greenfield. Back again. And I would say the funniest part of Unfrosted, in my opinion. I agree. Appreciate it. Truly. Which is saying something.

You got to kill it. Everybody's funny in the movie. It's a murderous row, but XCG scores. Yep. Robert, what can we do for you today? Well, I need some advice about my twin brother and trying to figure out whether he's circumcised or not Open okay, so

Keep going Robert floor is yours walk us through this. Oh My wife and I recently had a son. Okay, congrats about six months ago and Decided that he should be circumcised I'm circumcised and so it is just natural that yeah, he ought to be. Sure. He ought to be too. And then from there, we brought him home and like you do, after you bring a new baby home, family comes to visit. Twin brother and his family, his wife stopped

by and congratulated us. And it was kind of unexpected. He started to kind of question me and berate me about why we are going to circumcise it. Really? I just kind of brushed it off and went on about my day and didn't think too much of it. And then my wife and his wife were texting back and forth about it later on, a week or two later and when they talked about it and said that

Whenever they decide to They talked about whenever they have a son that they won't circumcise it You know my wife asked why she said well her husband my twin brother isn't circumcise it. Huh? You know my wife asked why she said well her husband my twin brother From from there it just kind of got confusing I didn't yes, I assumed Of course you assumed you Yeah, are you guys fraternal or identical if you're identical your parents are doing weird science stuff? Yeah, they really it's like twins Yes, are you guys identical? Yes. What the fuck? What should we call your brother? Just Whether it's his real name you can call him Paul Paul. Okay, so you're and you're cut and you don't think Paul is cut

Well, he doesn't know but his Not maybe she doesn't know what cut is maybe they just did a better job on you Yeah, maybe his is like yeah, he's got that That kind of mop top but so so where else do we end up here? Because this is why are your parents alive? Yes, okay. There we go So when you brought up that you're gonna circumcise your son Paul kind of pushed back and said like no and then he said because I'm not, why would we do this? And you said, because I was circumcised.

He never, he never said that to me. It was his wife who said to my wife that he's not. That's crazy. Is there any other setup on this one? Anything you're going to reveal later? It's like one of those riddles where the answers like your parents the doctors the mother Yeah, so is there any other details about this? It kind of sprang to mind that maybe it had something to do with telling us apart when we were first born Brother wait, what did you do as a way to tell the boys apart? Oh different tics? Play your pants down. Well that works when you're nude. Yeah. Yeah apart in different dicks. I mean, surely. Which ones? Which?

Pull your pants down. Well, that works when you're nude. Yeah, yeah. It's a tough one when you're clothed. Gets tougher when school starts. Unless you're wearing really tight clothes. Or just wearing that dick like an elephant's trunk. If you have a rash guard on with no underpants.

Yeah. Maybe. Not me. No, no, just Jake. Like a mannequin. Jake, we know which one's you Kenya Not mom. Why'd you cut the whole thing off? All you left was nuts

My twin brother's got a heart down to his knees That's it. That's a problem It's a small issue having a twin brother with a cock cock that's way bigger, that's significant. So Robert, just to catch up to you, you and your brother were twins, you're cut, he's uncut, maybe it's because your parents wanted to be able to tell you apart,

is there anything else before we start getting into this? Which is a wild call. Not really. That's crazy. Okay, so what is the specific question that we start getting into this? This is a wild call. Not really. That's crazy. Okay, so what is the specific question that we can help you with? This is a fascinating setup. I want to know whether he is or not,

whether he's just mistaken or... Okay. You wanna see your twin brother's dick, Robert, own it and just say it. Okay, so. Let's manifest. So we now know this situation on this. Yes. Does anybody have an initial pitch? I'm still in a bit of shock to be quite honest with you

Now let me just bring something up to you Robert. Is there any world and you know your family better years? I don't want to put your parents who are probably if you're in your 30s, we're guessing 60s in Kansas. I don't want to put them in an uncomfortable spot But is this a world you can bring this up to mom and dad? Yeah, that's your just It would catch them off guard, but I could I'm not entirely sure how I would say that okay So that doesn't seem comfortable, so we're looking for a way to accidentally get it well stick There's really there's two places where as men we see each other stick

Yeah, I have a quick. Go ahead. Is there a rift at the current moment between you and your brother? No, we're a close family, we're a close bunch. You ask because of the circumcision. Well, I said, well, I mean, why wouldn't you just ask your brother?

It's a fair point, too. Right. But also, that feels too simple. Part of the reason why I didn't is because it It's hard for me to tell whether he knows what circumcision is Yeah, it's a very strange predicament Do you know what circumcision is it's a medical, you know, it's a medical procedure

What's I don't know every medical procedure, but how about this one? What? You know, it's a medical procedure. I don't know every medical procedure. But how about this one? What's circumcision? What's circumcision? Where you cut the top off. Yes. Yeah. You don't think your brother knows that there's like the weird like skin part that some kids get cut off and some don't? It's not done to him.

All right. I got a question for you, Robert. Any chance you could ask your brother to come out and compare dicks? Whoa. I know it's weird, but you could, is there any world you could say, we're talking, have you done it to your son yet? Yeah. I was going to say if you had, you could say, I want to see the difference before I do it to my kids. Well, again, I'm sort of glad that we can't pursue that path. If I'm being totally honest on behalf of the show But part of it if he doesn't know if his brother knows you can't just ask You go into mom and dad does not seem like a through line what we need to pitch on in my opinion is how we get We got it hands off. Yes. We've got to do max. Yeah. Well one

I think it's a mistake to involve the child agreed the baby boy. Well, that was your first bit Yeah, no, no what you say agree really quick, but he's You went right to I think we need to get the boy Before us this quoted I'm not saying bring the boys dick out. I'm saying I think it would be a good idea. You gotta show your brother the boy's dick. I didn't say show the dick. It would be a good idea to run it back for the show.

Show me your dick. Because I'm thinking about doing it to my son. That's not how it came across. You should not bring the boy's dick out. It's a baby, you pervert. No, don't. You can put it on us. Get my brother's twin's dick. If you're an identical twin, half that dick is mine, my guy.

That is not legally sound. I don't think you should involve the little boy. I agree well finally glad you came around Jay I Max a hundred percent agree don't involve the boy that guy's let's say you're I get pointing at my dad We're doing it man Don't know what's my dick. I don't do anything. I'm pretending. We're twins. You're pretending. I'm the little boy by the way Baby boy, we're doing a little baby boy dick because I'm gonna circumcise you cuz I'm your dad and I'm doing it in-house

I know you well enough looking at me like like a child You've done this before like this. I'm like I'm No, you're my brother. You're not I don't're like this. I'm like, I'm, whatever. And then you're like, no, you're my brother. You're not, I don't play the brother right now. I'm not standing for that. You just said, I said to you, show me your dick. And you made it sick. And I'm the little boy.

You said I'm the boy. I'm the baby. No. That is what you were, what it came across as. Not going down on this. Kevin, put it back in the episode, because I think it's very, I left with the same feeling

that you were asking for baby. That's why you're sitting on that couch and Garrett. Yeah, that's why we've got a couch between us Robert back to you and your brother It's very good We need to find a way are you kind of pitching and I I don't want to pitch on stuff and at the end of The day you hang up and say that didn't help right? Are you looking for a way to try to accidentally see Paul's dick? Yes, or are you looking for a way to have a conversation with Paul and we could help get that language, right? What's the best path forward for you? Where's your gut leaning towards?

Probably some form of conversation It felt like that's where you were leading Us and now you turned that it's a shame because I have great. Let's see his dick pitches I don't have the first one. The first one is you say hey look. I know we had a little circumcision friction Yeah, let's go get a beer and you take him to a place where you know, the urinals a trough And you do a couple beers and a couple beers deep when he gets up to go to the bathroom You go with him and you just glance down at the shlong real quick. You do the look-over. Yeah. Well, I think you're right in the sense that drinks need to be involved.

Yes. Are you guys drinkers, Robert? Uh, not so much. Sometimes, but I do like your idea of... doing some form of a... kind of a bathroom look-see. Kind of a sneak to see. Well, because, Robert, you're the one that said you're not sure if he knows if he's circumcised

or did someone in here say that? No, he doesn't know. That's true. That's what I said. I don't know that he knows what he's talking about. Right. So if there's a conversation and you go, have you been circumcised? He could say no, and he has been.

Yeah. So I think and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think you're looking for evidence. You got to see the dick. Yep. Yeah, I think and I don't want to put words in your mouth, but I think you're looking for evidence You gotta see the dick. Yep. I really feel like it's a parent's decision because there was somebody who made that call I think this is a two-parter. It's one you should try to see the dick and two I actually think you should go to mom and dad over Paul Max, what are you thinking? I again I I'm come back to the simple, which is just ask your brother. What?

And say, hey man, and even if he doesn't know what circumcision means, hey man, will you describe what your dick looks like? Oh, no way with this flying Kansas. You ain't that guy. You can't do it publicly. You ain't that guy. All right.

Hey, will you describe what your dick looks to me? I'll take you to the Jiu-jitsu mat right now We'll have some calamari for the table for talk like that all right you but you You asked you asked totally sober. Yeah Seven drinks in asked me hey, man. Can you just know you're not in seven drinks in I? Have seven drinks in All right a problem Hey, man

Hey Good night. Yeah, I'm fun brother Right now Robert and Paul couple of farmers Different man, we are good actors man Yeah man! That's cool! Wanna go rollerblading? It's cool to feel different man! We are good actors man! Uh, hey man, describe to me what your dick looks like. Hey man, what's that hog look like? You're the top part. You're crazy man!

You are man! You asked me about my dick! Yeah man, just carry on. We're identical twin brothers, we have the same dick. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. That'd be crazy, I never even really thought about that. We should look at him. Can you, cause like our faces look alike,

our hair looks alike, our bodies look alike. We got the same size feet. It's nuts, dude. I could like put my, I could put my shoes on your feet right now. And they'd fit, dude. We should see each other's dick, man. It's the one, it's like the last frontier.

Let's see if everything is the same. Okay, hold on. And then you take them off and then you look at it and you get the information that you need. But, but don't, don't like, don't telegraph that you're trying to get that information. And then you take them off and then you look at it and you get the information that you need But but don't don't like Don't telegraph that you're trying to get that information and then you just go this same Robert Robert, did you hear max's pitch name one flaw? No, hold on. I want you to Robert I want you to try something just as an exercise

Will you be Robert max you be Paul? Yeah Will you be Robert, Max, you be Paul? Yeah. And Robert, I want you to try to do your version of what Max just did to see if you can get to see your brother's dick, but do it in your world. Wait, I'm the brother. You're the brother. Yeah, yeah. Robert, the way Max was kind of leading it, let's see if there's a world you can be influenced

by that and we can help with it. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah. I'll give it a try. All right. Good luck, buddy. All right, so I'm gonna hold on just to be How old are we? 32 30 32 and I live in Kansas. Yeah, and what do you guys do in Kansas? What kind of stuff? I play a lot of music. What's my height and weight?

411 Mostly hogs Don't make this a fantasy 411 to 411 350 by the way you know who's Joey I'm sure Robert go ahead hey buddy how about another drink there? Oh, thanks Robert. Appreciate it More than more more than more than usual we're having tonight. Look at us. Look at us. Oh Man, how about them? Oh How about them, huh? Oh, uh, Patrick my Yeah, Patrick my home's all right Patrick my yeah, Patrick my home's all right

Little little hot out here maybe taking my shirt off. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah Shit man, I'll take my shirt off Your I man feel better Yeah, this place is hot as shit they got open up some windows in this motherfucker. I Mean you can take your pants off Damn we're brothers. We're brothers now. I'm out thing the same thing Let me just hold on real quick. I got this new belt shit. Oh Hell yeah, this feels much better just sitting here in our underpants It's cool that nobody's saying anything either like it's just they're letting us be us they know we're brothers they know that

Look at that's cuz we're identical twins, my brother, and I love you. Are we perfectly identical in every way, you think? Well, I'm looking at you right now. Everything looks the same to me. Gosh, almighty. Let me say something. You're handsome, too. That's very nice of you to say. Are we identical in every way, you think? Oh, well, uh, I'm looking at you. You're looking at me man for sure look at us It's coming there are some differences. I guess but you know I mean I like my eyebrows feel a little bit differently But I don't know what do you mean man? That's a cool noise are you are you circumcised what

Emma what have another drink you just said a word I don't know you don't know what that word means? You said something about a circumcise? What? Circumcise. I'm sorry, brother. I don't know what you're talking about. Can you elaborate? That's all I got, man. Oh, Robert!

Robert, keep going. I promise you, finish it off. Finish it. You're right there. Back in, back in. Do you want me to describe what circumcision is? Robert keep going. I promise you is finish it off finish it. You're right there back in back in Do you want me to describe what circumcision is to you? Well, yeah, I don't know. I don't know what I don't know what that means

When you're a little little boy or a baby When you're first born they cut your foreskin off. Do you know what foreskin is? I sure don't. Well, maybe we'll do a Google search together here and I'll show you the difference. Yeah, I'll look it up right now. Why are you guys in your underpants? You led the horse to water and then you kicked it in its ass. You don't get a guy in his underpants in a bar

and then do a Google search. Pick a lane. If you do, do that with your clothes on, man. Although it is a nice picture. I got to tell you, that was my favorite reenactment we've done. Oh, without question. That was as white. Robert, your timing is excellent.

It's really weird stuff. Don't sleep on Paul's timing. Agreed, Paul's incredible. Yeah. But I know who Paul is. I know, yeah, you're right. I know Paul's work. I think Paul. I'm a diehard Paul guy. I don't's timing. Oh great Paul's incredible. Yeah, but I know Paul. I know yeah, you're right. I know

I'm a die-hard Paul guy. I don't know Robert So Robert, why didn't you finish? This is awkward. I don't know my brother that it's not great man here. Hold on. Let's have be out Gareth You take over. Okay. All right. I'm Paul. So hold on this sir. What? Is this a scientific thing on, this sir, what, what, what, what, what, is this a scientific thing? Well this is a, it's hygienic. I can't, you're using all these big words. Well it's a good way to keep it clean. It's like, you know, like, you ever watch like 600 pound sisters, a lot of stuff gets

caught under the layers of skin. Keep what clean the tip of the penis the penis tip come on man I don't know why I got a snake in to be honest I kind of I feel good in our I was hot too man if you said it was hot as shit. It is hot as shit. I feel good in our underwear pants. I'm hot, I was hot too, man. I felt good, I'm just sitting here in my underpants and now you're talking about I'm a dick and you're making it all weird. Well, just the tip is sometimes the doctor takes the tip

so that in future it's not as hard to keep it clean. And did the doctor take your tip? I don't know. I got something, Robert. Oh no, wait, this is the moment, this is the moment. My tip I don't know I got something Robert oh no wait this is the moment this is the moment you know my tips gone so I have no tip Wow looks like a helmet maybe I should look at mine again yeah get it out look maybe look at it together look at it together and I'll tell you if you have your circumcised or not okay Let me just quickly tell everyone the bottle. Yeah, give me a head

Don't look over here. All right. I think that's the move. I don't think so Jake was in video village writing notes the whole time I actually think this led us to something that could work Robert, but it's really weird drug him That's another option, but I think what this could work. There's one guy, if there's a medical condition you're going through, there's one person who could help you out. Your twin. It's like a liver donor.

It's like he's a perfect match. You need to say you're having something that's happening with your genitals. And you're asking as a really embarrassing flavor, can he take a photo or can you see his dick to see if there's what's happening? The rash on his is abnormal or what have you. So you're asking as like a we're the same. But I want to know if you're having the same thing that I'm having. And I think it's because of being circumcised And I think your wife said you're not and I'm wondering if it was a big mistake that I did and a mistake I did for my kid

Are you experiencing this and maybe show a photo of the tip of yours and be like that's where it gets Does it look like this and he goes no and I go what's different and he goes I got skin going over. And then you realize, oh, we have different dicks. Then the question becomes, why did mom and dad do this? But if you go over that buildup you did with the first Robert and Paul, that felt really weird to me, my man. The really slow rhythm that you guys drinking beer.

It was a will they won't they and then I think you're alone in this I don't think so it's a good take but I will say Robert I think there's a world where you can blame this idea of you have a question about your penis it's embarrassing he's the only guy who can answer it. Where you could say like, do you have this blank issue? Guys, what do you think of that? As a we're looking for a solution here. I like it. I also think if we're going to go the conversation route, I I know I pitched it, I think get a look at it. I think the best way to do it is to

get a look at it. But the wives have already been talking about this a little bit, right? This is where the information I hear what you're saying So why not have your wife talk to his wife and be like, hey, I just want to make sure we're clear just because I Think you might be Robert is cut Hall did not have the tip of his penis cut. Hey Robert What do you think about using the wife's to have this talk? It's normal girl gabbs. I mean, yeah, it's pretty normal girl gab You're right about that. Especially if you guys aren't around. Just default it to them. Robert, I'm also gonna I'm gonna ask it It's a totally different question Hmm. What are you gonna do with the information once you get it?

That's that's the second part of this. That's uh, I don't know what to do Wait, what does it matter? Write a song about it. What I don't know what to do. Wait, what does it matter? Write a song about it? I don't understand. There's two situations. I'll show it. Walk us through. And he just doesn't know what he's talking about or he's not.

And then we need to know why. If he's not, it opens up a big can of worms about your family in a real way. If he doesn't know what circumcision is, kinda who cares, he might be a little bit, you know. His light bulb might be a little dim, who cares? If your parents circumcised one of you and not the other and never told you, you ever seen the documentary, Three Identical Twins?

Oh my lord, yeah. Just weird stuff you can do with identical twins. Yeah, that isn't about their penises. No, but these are questions I would ask mom and dad then. My advice to you, Robert, is I think you trying to do the weird, let's take our shirts off, our pants off, it's hot in here, it's going to put you and Paul in a bad spot.

It's fun. It's fun. It was a lot of fun to be around. It was the hardest I've laughed in a while. It's a lot of fun. I think it might be the hardest I've left on the show. But I don't think it's the move. I like the idea of medical procedure. It's hard. It's hard to do photos of it. I think left on the show. But I don't think it's the move. I like the idea of medical procedure.

It's hard. It's hard to do photos of it. I think Gareth is right. I think you his wife is leading out very firmly. He is not circumcised. She might not know what it is. So that if your wife goes, my husband is 100% circumcised. I don't understand why he wouldn't be.

Yeah. And then if she says he's not, then you could Google it together, the wives. And she could say, his dick is like that. Then if you find out, you and Paul together can go to mom and dad and just go, hey, on the show, please, as a follow-up. Please. I'd never wanted to follow up more.

We will literally pay for your follow-up. This is when I'd go to Kansas. But the next step, Robert, is going to mom and dad because the why on this, if it's to tell you apart, that's about as weird as it gets. And if it's not, what, having the doctor died? Yeah. Like there's no reason.

Lightning strikes. There's no reason. But so Robert, will you ask your wife to take the lead on this? I can do that. I'm also kind of leaning a two-pronged approach. What take the lead on this? I can do that. I'm also also kind of leaning them to prong approach What's the other wrong to I thought about the what you mentioned earlier about? Filled them full liquids and then trying to get a peek. I

Listen, let's do both. Let's do both. Okay Let's do both. Hey, hey worst-case scenario. You find out what his dick looks like twice. Great Robert there's I can't think of one thing that's bad about you my man If you're ever in LA do not you want a career you want to you want to hang out you want to stay with Jake It is garage where he has a jujitsu, man So Robert, will you genuinely please follow up with us? Are you gonna start with getting him drunk and get a look at that hog? Are you gonna start with the wives? I think I'll start with

Start with a get trying to get a peak. Okay Robert I'm I mean this I'm really proud of you. Okay, so After the peak works or doesn't work. How are you gonna do the peak? Will you walk us through actually what you're gonna do? I think it's just as simple as uh, you know, we're both out out eating somewhere or out of a bar and then It's a bathroom with two urinals. I mean it could be anywhere. Well, you make sure that you take them to a place

That's probably you need to set it up. You need to have the right bathroom then. That's what I mean. Yeah. Yeah, you definitely got to make sure. You call the place, you know, you ask a question they've never been asked before. Hey, do your journals have dividers? Or is it kind of an open space for... Let me check. Mendo, what therapy is whistle?

Oh, it's open. Yeah. Can I make a reservation for tonight at eight? And then once he goes in, then I'll just follow. Yep. You do, you very simply do the, ah, I'll hit it too. And then go right next to him, keep talking and get a look at his dick. Yep.

Robert, we appreciate the call, buddy. Keep us very posted. Thank you. Thanks, pal. We'll keep you posted. Right on, Robert. Good luck. God bless.

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Alma.com slash here to help. Hi. Hi. Can we get your name please? My name's Sarah. Hey Sarah. Where are you calling from Sarah? I'm calling from Utah. Utah. And how old are you Sarah? I'm 23. Hey did you you ever watch new girl? I did you did but we got What can we do for me Utah 23? What's the issue today? The floor is yours a couple months ago. I bought a leopard gecko I don't know if you know what that is. I do know it's a really common pet. They are spotty They always have a really derpy face. There's a lizard. So I always wanted one. They're a lizard. Oh, well with the I told my I told my husband's family all about it, which his little cousin,

let's name him, Kimmy, Timmy proceeded to ask if I ever go on vacation, if he could watch the lizard. And I said, Oh, of course, I'm actually going to Hawaii in May. You can watch it then. A couple of months go by, we put our house up for sale. So I decided it'd be easier just to sell the lizard. So I did. I sold her in late March. Until two days ago, I went to a barbecue, a family barbecue, and the little boy runs up to me, to me, and he says, when, when am I watching the gecko? I know it's this month. I've been raising dubia roaches to feed the gecko as a pet. Okay. So he's been prepping for months for this. And me

being awkward person, I am said that, oh, that will be so fun. Just pretending like I hadn't just sold the Gekko a month and a half ago. Sarah. She got it. Don't judge her. So now I leave on May 21st, and they're expecting me to drop a Gekko off on the 20th.

So what should I do? The most things I've come up with is just telling them that it died. Pretty good. Oh, two quick questions. How old is Timmy? Timmy is about six. Six. Man, okay. That's gonna be hard to disappoint a six-year-old.

And what were you talking about with the roaches? He's raising roaches to feed the gecko. The little boy is? Yeah. Let me tell you something. I have two dogs. My kids don't do shit. This kid is raising, yeah, he's raised roaches. He's ready for his own gecko. Can you have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, can we, is it time for Timmy

to have his own gecko? I like that. Well, they had told him if he did a good job watching my gecko, they would think about giving him his own gecko. Okay. But you can have a conversation with the parents and say, listen, this is what happened. They'll understand your side of it. And then maybe we get Timmy his own gecko. Clearly he's a responsible kid. Yeah, but here's the catch. What if, so then you, what if Timmy's not ready for it and the parents don't want the gecko? Does Sarah take the gecko back then?

No, I mean, look, you know how you find out if you're not ready for the gecko? Yeah. The gecko dies. I'm not rooting for it, but you know, that's how you know. Your pitch. So Sarah, Max's pitch is you ask the family to buy a gecko. What are the, when you say you sold it, what are these costs? If you want to take responsibility, she can but Sarah can buy the gecko for the Child question. What is a gag when you said you sold it on the market? What does it get go run for is it?

Ten bucks is it five hundred bucks? It's a wild question. What's a lot of it needs at least like a 20 gallon tank Okay, but you have a tank. I had one you saw I re-homed the gecko. Okay, so how much... The gecko is gone. So when you sold everything, how much cash did that person from Craigslist give you in your garage? About $300. Okay, $300 in your world is pretty significant, yes? Yeah, yeah, we're right out of college.

So spending $300 for little Timmy is not really what you want to do right before you go to Hawaii and piss a bunch of money on drinks and food in a hotel. Yeah, it's not. It's not ideal. You said talk to the parent. I had already essentially lied to her too because she was like, oh, I just need to know the plan. And I just said, well, I'm leaving the 21st because I'm an awkward person. Yes. I get it. That leads us to the pitch that I think you had, which is that the get-go dies.

The get-go died. I think you have to deliver some bad. Well, what the fuck else are we going to do? I mean, this kid is raising goddamn roaches. Take responsibility for your for your lies and own up to it. Well, you know what show you're on you idiots What do you think this is dr. Phil? They're not here to hurt so

So hold on. Let me just click cuz I'm with you Sarah on this one You had a get-go a little leopard guy. He spent about 300 bucks. You had the whole system little Timmy got excited You said free babysitter. Yes, the parents will help You then were moving you didn't want to move with it. You sold it. You got 300 bucks What'd you put into this whole gaggle? Did you just break even or was there a profit on this little guy? This is no shark tanky. Um, I actually lost money on it. Okay, so Okay, so you lost a little bit of money Then it's coming up and in the moment. Will you walk us through why you lied?

Yes, and I don't have any judgment. I just want to kind of get a sense of that moment I have quite severe anxiety and my husband decided he wasn't gonna go to the barbecue Oh, so you went solo. Who's party is this that you went to that your husband in your family? No, it's his family Brother's graduation party. So first of all, he screwed you but we're not that's not what this calls about So you go to a party your goddamn anxiety is spiking if I'm you stay away from the cheese. You're gonna get spider bites I'm not even there for one minute when

The aunt comes up to me and was like, so I need to know all the details. And she said, Kimmy's gonna come and ask you, because we've been working on his words, to come and ask you this hard question of when you're gonna drop the gun. And walk me through your anxiety level at this moment. Are you a 10 out of 10? Oh, man.

Yes. Yeah, I'm... I was already working myself in the car. I'm like, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go get a hamburger. I'm gonna leave. By the way, are you me? Yeah, what are you... I mean, yeah, I'm okay. I was already working myself in the car. I'm like I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go get a hamburger I'm no By the way, are you me? Yeah, what are you? I mean honestly, I feel a lot of exciting I'm gonna go get four hamburgers, then I'm gonna eat a bullet out We're gonna freak everyone out and then get in the car golf

Then I might go hard seltzers aren't really alcohol drink about nine of them and go after eight They are take a bag of Snyderiders eat them in the car nobody knows Take care of me i'm not eating roaches stay away from sarah stay away from sarah everyone back away from sarah so your thought is i'm gonna eat a hamburger i'm gonna do the rounds i'm gonna do the right thing by my partner my husband and i'm gonna get out of here this little boy bombards you By my partner or my husband and I'm gonna get out of here this little boy bombards you Yes, and what does this little guy say? So he you know is hiding behind his mom. He finally gets up the courage to say When are you gonna drop the gecko off? I'm so excited. What was the game? I'm worried about food Sarah. What do we call this little lizard?

With being after Jar Jar Bink, okay. So he's like, when do I get an equal success level with this Gecko and Jar Jar, I'd say. So he goes, when do I get my hands on this lizard? And you go, what? I go, I leave on the 21st. I don't mention the Gecko. I just say, this is what I leave. And then what happens? And then he's like, well, great. Don't worry about food. I've been raising roaches for it. That's a turn, dude.

Jesus. That's gonna shatter. That's a nightmare. I'm throwing the hamburger on the ground at that point. I'm outta here. Sarah. So he goes, I've been raising roaches, and you hadn't asked him to do this.

No, no. Fuck. I had told him that, you know, leopard geckos are hard because they have to eat live food Fuck let me ask you this Sarah. Do you have any contact with the person you sold the gecko to? Good question none at all. I Thought about finding someone who would rent me a gecko, but it's really hard to find someone who will rent their gecko I don't think there's a big business for renting get-go's in Texas. Yeah. And I like to invest in bad businesses.

I don't see an upside there. No, it means you might wanna throw a little money in the get-go market if I'm being honest. Yeah, but like rent a get-go, the kind of person that wants to rent one. It's not a hot business. That's one in a million. Yeah, no, you're right, yeah.

Okay, so we're in a situation where the trip is coming up. You have told a lie, You gotta get out of it. This little boy's very excited. He started a roach farm. There's talk that his family might do it, but we don't know if they're gonna follow through. You might have to ghost them. They can't, it's his husband's family.

I honestly think, I'm going back to the beginning here, Sarah, and a tragedy occurred. I think it had to die. Because I was gonna pitch the idea of like a fake one that you get a little. Yeah, but he's gonna. But then he's I think it had to die. Because I was gonna pitch the idea of, like, a fake one that you get a little, uh... Yeah, but he's gonna... But then he's gonna think it died. He's gonna see a cage full of roaches and be like, Pink's isn't eating! Pink's is going hungry!

As roaches are just overtaking this little aquarium. Or, or, here's an idea, here's a weird one. You get a little tank, and you get, like, a little enclosure. You go get a little tank and you get like a little enclosure and you say they're very shy. You can't interrupt them if they're hidden. This is absolutely insane. And you get a little thing of like clay

in the corner of it so he can see the outline. A clay base. And you go like, so they're very nervous. He might not come out, but you just put the roaches in there if he wants to eat it. Just just wait and then after the few days You go you go great, and he goes how was it he never came out and you go like oh well He sometimes does well as long as nobody look listen if we're not going the route of being honest and Owning up to it, and we're gonna put a lie on the line. Yeah, you got to sell it and I think you get a tattoo of

The our IP binks. Yeah, all right, baby. It's just a big stand-alone. Yeah, and then you say you say little a little boy, Timmy Hey little guy. Hey look guy You know, uh, hey after you know, yeah you have to back out of the driveway Yeah, uh-huh, okay, yeah, you know You know, we just got that new Dodge Ram. I Okay, the car. Yeah Max are you Sarah? Oh, I tried dipped into Paul Are you Sarah?

Oh, I dipped into Paul a little bit there. Yeah, yeah, the Dodd rap. Cool cowboy vibes. I didn't know who that guy was. You're gonna go like, are you circumcised, little guy? This is Sarah, Utah, Tycho. That's not a gecko at all. Yeah.

And it ain't dead either. Hey. Hey, so you know how we rented the Sienna for the last couple months? The car? Yeah, we'd love it. We could, you know, we fit so much stuff in there. We drive right. Anyway, you know, we have to back out of the driveway. At your house?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, you know, sometimes you know how we let Binks run out in the front yard. That's dangerous. Well, not, Binks loves it. I can't wait to meet Binks again because I have all the roaches ready to go. He's going to eat so well while you're gone. That's the thing.

Exciting. So, we were pulling out of the driveway and we'd forgotten to put Binks back in the house. Oh no. No. Don't say it. Your forgotten to put Binks back in the house. Oh, no. No. And don't say it. Your dad ran over Binks. Wait, why was my dad over at your house? Watch. Don't.

Because, Sarah, if we're going to do this, don't put it on you. My dad was over at your house and he ran over Binks. Yeah. And I knew how badly he would feel about it. So I didn't tell him. But I didn't. Oh, no. So I didn't tell him. Is Binks okay? I didn't do it. Is Binks okay? Binks is dead.

Oh my God! I'm sorry. But I had all the roaches! Save them. They'll be useful for something. What will they be useful for? Maybe they could be your pets. What?

You can take care of the roaches. You can name them. Sarah? You can give them all Star Wars names. Sarah, what do you think about honestly telling the family that Binks died? Is that a path you're comfortable with? I feel like it might be one of my only options. Great change of voice there.

That was you were not comfortable. This is a situation, yes. You don't want to hurt this little kid. No, I get it comfortable. This is a situate, yes. You don't want to hurt this little kid. No, but the kid's gonna get hurt. And here's why, Sarah. So, Max is pushing towards, this is so easy, this is obvious, just tell the truth, right? And own up to your lie. Is that correct? Yes.

And so that version, Sarah, is you calling Timmy's mom and saying hey, I Sold binks like a two months ago at the party. I had anxiety and I lied to you. It's now coming up But there's no banks then that mom is gonna go What the fuck? Cuz now I have to say to my I have to handle your mess cause your lie. So you could do that or you could do the other lie and that is you just call the parents and you say, I've got very bad news, Binks died.

Or. Or. Or. Or. Please. To your weird clay gecko. Yeah. Get a fake clay gecko. Yeah. Get a fake one. Okay. Put it on a rock in the fucking thing. Yeah.

Take it over there. Yeah, keep going. Don't listen to Max. Keep going. This might be right. Timmy killed the gecko. Interesting. Tim... you brought over a living gecko.

That's gonna traumatize the guy, huh? We're... we are... What are we gonna do here? We're in danger zone. There's no sol. This kid is We're hurting Timmy. So Sarah forget about Timmy So you hurt yourself when you made the lie and you're only gonna make it worse if you keep on lying I think I go to first of all, I thought your reaction as the mom was super intense You do. Yeah

Really? Yes. It was like a friendship ender Now here's not a friendship under to me if somebody said to my kid My kids all excited and then they said as soon as they sold it we sold it fine This lady came to my house ate a hamburger told my kid. It's coming up. All right. This is a weird lie I know I'm Sarah. I'm Sarah and I go to the mom. Okay. I'm the mom. Yeah, okay So as Sarah how quick until this trip starts? I just need these facts 21st right you're leaving about two weeks. Yeah. So when was the barbecue when you lied? Two days ago. Okay fresher than I thought fresher than I thought. Yeah

Imagine how annoying Timmy has been to this mom. Keep that in mind All this fucking kid talks about is this guy go sure and the roaches, okay? Hey, honey I'm not your mom. I know but you're Timmy's mom and I need to talk to you I want to talk to you about my anxiety I don't know you that well. I have a mental And sometimes I've it's okay You know the gecko I had Timmy the

Timmy is so excited. He know he he's raising these roaches. I know it is a whole thing. No, he is I'm not excited. We got rid of the the the bigs that they spotted gecko. We got rid of it What do you mean? We got rid of it? We were moving whatever the thing I was moving the house and we needed to get rid of it We said we don't we don't have it anymore. But because of my and when you sell it, I don't know a month ago Why didn't you tell me I would have fucking bought it from my son? Because I didn't fucking think of you

the moment I sold the thing. I was thinking about the house. Well, you had a financial crisis, the first thing you had to do was sell a lizard? Get a job, bitch. You told my kid he's been raising roaches. You sell it a month ago, you're telling me right now like it's normal?

I'll buy the roaches off of him. I'm offering to buy the roaches. The ro a month ago. You're telling me right now. I'll buy the roaches off of them I'm offering the roaches cost five thousand dollars You had an opportunity, you know, we're thinking about getting a lizard. What are you on drugs? You're a drug addict You got it. What do you sell it in an alley? Oh, it's right back to this selling a lizard and now Your boy came up to me and he was all right. My little boy is, hey kid roach. He's the most annoying little shit I've ever met in my entire life.

What kind of kid raises roaches? Hi Sarah. Hey Timmy. Hi. This is your kind of aunt. Oh. So. Why are you yelling? Oh, we just got worked up, honey. So Sarah, is there anything you want to say to Timmy can't wait to see things anything that you want to say? Yes

Sarah go ahead Jimmy binks died Because of your dad Are you gonna actually what are you gonna really do really fast? Oh, yeah, I think I'm gonna say that dinks died, yeah, and Since my husband was the reason this happened, I'm going to blame it on him. May I add another layer? Your husband brought up Timmy? No, my husband led golfing. So he's the reason. Oh, because he wasn't at the party. That's why it's his fault. So if he was there, I could have done it. I could have told the truth. I think that's right.

Okay. So Gareth, what were you gonna say? Well, I think that works. I was gonna say have your husband deliver the news. Put it all on him. He's closer. He's got more of a track record. It's his fault. Key relates to them. The bad news is, is that This is why you get married. The lizard, the lizard passed away from natural causes. Yeah. What do you think of that? Or do you want to do it? Oh, I'm not gonna do it. Okay, so Christ, I thought it was an option.

You really I didn't really did like five reenactments where you're delivering the news. You don't want to jump in at one point. Let us know that was I didn't realize it. You heard how it played out as horrible every time. No, my husband is the only option. I'm gonna go with the clay option. By the way, I already told him, I just wanted to call the show. Why don't you make one of those like cakes, those hyper realistic cakes? We need a hologram. And then when he discovers it's dead, you just take a big bite of it and go like this.

Try it. Oh my god. Traumatize him. Make a cake lizard. Use chocolate. He would like to have pizza with chocolate. Oh my god, try guys up. Try a cake lizard Pieces chocolate So Sarah the final advice is you're gonna and the thing you said you're gonna do is you're gonna have your husband Tell the family that the Geico it has died the gecko. Is that true the gecko? What did I say? Geico? Geico you're doing the insurance free Yes, or buy a new Geico.

Those are the same. Wow, you are a real... I mean, if you're going to buy a new one... Let's go. Is that a real option? That's what I thought about it. And then telling them that they could buy it from me. Yes, I like that.

I'm trying to make money on this too. Hold on. That's actually a real play. You buy... He's very into the finance. Yes, Jake right now Yeah, but here's a real I'm not trying to get a profit. No, you want to cut you are I mean, I make a little bit of so we're 300 all in if you sell the thing But Sarah this is what one point so this is a real option. I want back door. What if you actually Buy the tank buy the thing, give it to her, when Timmy's done, go,

you did so good, then say to the parents, if you guys are considering getting one, I would be open to sell you this, and I would just, you know, do it for what I paid, 500 bucks. How about just this? He wants one so badly. If it's okay...

I'm kind of getting sick of it. Keep going. No, like, you just go, He wants one so badly. If it's okay. I'm kind of getting sick of it. Keep going. No, you just go, I want to buy you one. Like we bought you one. And if it's okay with the parents. Well, she doesn't want to go down to 300 bucks. I think you do it. I think you buy it. She's trying to get the parents to reimburse. Sell it. Sell it to them.

That's fine. You go afterwards. You go, how was it? And if here's the way. You know what you could do? You could and it here's you know, you do You could front load that plan by saying hey look I think let's do the trial run where he looks after it and then do you guys just want to buy it off me after? The Hawaii trip is what if they say no that you say that you side natural causes. Yes, you say listen It's gonna sound crazy, but it died or I Mean, that's really it. That's it. That's the end of my pitch. Here's what I really think. Here's what I really in my heart of hearts believe. We've led you to some weird ones.

I wouldn't do the clay one. That feels really crazy. If you get caught, you're in a danger zone in that community. You're a legend. The lying about dying feels really strange to me. Here's what I would actually do if I were you. I would text the parents and say, I'm not against selling it to you guys at cost, you know, whatever, blah, blah, blah, if he's into it. And so this could be a trial run, I'm kind of done with my gecko phase of life. And so if they he's already raising up the parents know they're eventually going to buy a fucking system for this gecko. So afterwards you just say, how'd it go?

They go, good. And you go, look, the whole thing could just be yours. It's 300 bucks. And they go, great. I mean, whatever you want to say in the last second, let your hamburger anxiety take over. Yeah. How much is it? $25.

I got a callback. Why? I'll pay you. But Sarah, what do you think of just fucking going for it, giving, because we don't want to hurt Timmy, getting him a fucking gecko. What if you go with the clay one, but you don't give him the clay one.

You take the clay one with you to Hawaii, and you take pictures of you with the clay one. You're taking the get go. You weekend at Bernie's this thing. And then you let them know on the weekend at Binksie's. Oh my, wink at him. I forgot to drop it off. It's been heaven and the top of the top.

We left him in Hawaii. He wanted to stay. He was so happy. He met all of his relatives and other iguanas and shit. And then he drank the sea water. You left him there. He met all of his relative relatives and other iguanas and shit and any drink the water He left them there. It was beautiful How could I bring him back or I tried to bring him back? Natural habitat and killed him at customs. Is that your pitch Jake?

so Sarah Now with these new round of pitches, what do you think you're gonna do? Is there any world you're gonna just buy it and go for it? Because I think what's gonna happen is, they're gonna love it, Timmy's gonna crush his weekend, his little roaches are gonna be perfect, he's gonna fall in love, the parents are gonna go, I mean, he's literally growing roaches.

The best twist is the roaches kill the gecko. Yes, but what do you think of that as a plan with the idea of afterwards you figure out a fair price and you sell to them. Would you think about doing that where yet? Yes, I've actually been looking on Craigslist to see if there's anybody that already has a whole set up Okay, looking to get rid of it Okay, I can just pick up and then take to their house Why don't you get them a really small cage just for the weekend, like a little starter kit, and they can then buy whatever they want after.

Go to PetSmart and get a $20 little home for it. Say you broke the other one, it cracked. Or you don't want to travel with it. Sure. That's a good idea. But you just get one of those little travel cheap ones, and then you go, this is just for the weekend, and then go, you want the fucking gecko?

What do you spend? What do you go to PetSmart, buy one of those lizards for 18 bucks? That's not a 300 creature It's the 300 for 20 40 bucks. So 40 bucks and a 15 thing. It's already got its food You're 65 bucks in but what do you think about that? Go and spend 40 bucks on the little lizard 15 bucks on the little cage Bringing it there for the weekend if they want to get another big cage fucking go for it I like that. I think I'll do that Sarah I think this is the best way out of a very weird hamburger lie yes that's why I called this podcast well

we're happy listen it's been a great two hours and I never thought I'd say get go so many goddamn times and uh and we appreciate it and appreciate max we appreciate it. And appreciate. Max, we appreciate you. Thank you, Max. Sarah, hopefully we helped you. Keep us posted, Sarah. I think you did. This is insane. But are you going to actually do this?

Oh, yeah. I'm probably going to go to PetSmart now. Thank you. I think this is going to be a happy ending, especially for Temmie. Not for Binks. He passed away. Me too.

All right. We appreciate it. Thank you so much, guys. Bye. Thanks, bye. Bye. Good. Welcome to the show. You're on the podcast with Gareth Reynolds, Jake Johnson, and a very special guest. My friend, my former co-star, Mr. Max Greenfield. Wow. Oh, I'm such a huge fan.

Such a huge fan. You, Max. You, Max. Yeah. He's giving you love, baby. All three of you guys. Thanks. Thanks. I was going to let Max have a little shine. What's your first name? Oliver.

Oliver. Where are you from, Oliver? I'm from Long Island, New York. Yeah, baby. How old are you, Oliver? 25. 25. Now you got a serious problem today? Well, it's serious to me. We'll see how serious everybody else thinks it is.

Oliver, if it's serious to you, baby, that's all that matters. Let us know where you're at. What's happening? Good stuff. That's what I like to hear. So I may, I guess you'd call it a content creator and it's a documentarian But I make a lot of actually make documentaries or do you just make content and you're referring to yourself as a documentarian? little bit of both a little bit of both I

Definitely you make hold on Oliver. Do you make documentaries? Do you just film content and don't want to just say content creator? You know what? We'll call it what you want. I think it's a little bit better than just the standard YouTube video. I do travel. I do invest money into the content that I'm making. Okay. I respect. I respect. Okay. So what's our issue? So the topics that I usually cover are kind of silly individual quests Okay, um, and so last year

I was weighing in at almost 400 pounds And so I hit the gym and I got really into shape and now you were a founder my man Almost I didn't quite break the brink But I was on the way. What's your height? What are you walking around at? I'm six foot even six foot almost 400 interest. Okay. Nice four bucks. Okay, so you said this is getting too big I was getting way too big. It was you know, I'm a big fat party animal. That's fine with me, but I Getting hard to buy clothes. I get it. I got to throwaway. I bought like 15 of the same black t-shirts. I got to buy a larger size. It's a nightmare I know and then you got to upgrade the whole wardrobe

And then if you go back down you all your clothes are too big and that's kind of where I'm at right now Oliver you and me are relating these two little skinny guys are rolling their eyes Okay, so what happened you just what was your wake-up call you wanted All right, so what happened? You just what was your wake up call? You wanted to lose weight? Why? What happened? You know what it was? Was I got married.

And I really enjoyed the last year of my life. And I said, you know what? I want to stick around for a long time. I love it. And so I said, I'm going to I'm going to try to lose some weight. And then here's where we run into trouble. I kind of have plateaued in the last year or so, and I've decided to set myself a weight goal,

something to do at the gym that I can hit. Okay. Max, one quick, let me stop for one second, Oliver. Max, don't pretend this is not a wheelhouse call for you. A big guy losing weight, talking about the goddamn gym. We got the right guy for you Oliver not interrupting jake i got excited max he's talking about a gym shut up well we're gonna fight so the goal that i set myself is i want to be able to crush a Crush a watermelon between my thighs. Oh great. Oh my god

That is without question The greatest gym goal I'll ever hear. Yeah, you just went back to Gareth's camp and not a maxis camp Yeah You were losing Gareth he said watermelon and he perked up. Oh content creator, documentary. Oh man. Alright so you want to squash a watermelon in between those big thighs my guy? Correct. Right now I'm on the hip abduction machine. I can hit 205 pounds. Amazing.

Are you just going hips right now? Are people like buddy your arms are like wiry and kind of flabby and you're like I got a goal. Well I was going all arms but I'm really I'm worried about being a light bulb so I moved on to try to get the legs up where the arms are. Oh my god. Oliver what are you doing right now? Right now I'm 2 290 nice man. Oh wow way to go, but I've plateaued around there Which is where the watermelon comes in I really think if I can get the hip abductor machine up to 340 pounds I can crush a watermelon I feel really good about that and I was lost weight along the way. This is where the watermelon comes into play is just a great, I'm very, I'm enjoying what

you're saying a tremendous amount. The problem. The problem. No problems. Yeah, I'm still kind of with you on this one, Oliver. So you are, you're wanting to squash it, you're going to take it, this is going to get you stronger which will make you lose more weight. What's the problem? The problem is my support system right now.

I've made a practice stream just to prove that I couldn't crush a watermelon right at the beginning. I went all out on filming it. I staged the whole thing and I was not able to crush a watermelon in that stream. My goal is in two months time to duplicate the entire stream, but be able to crush the watermelon. Okay. Now, did you genuinely try your hardest the first time? I did. I got juice out of the watermelon, but I wasn't able to do the full crush. Anyone drink that juice? You know what? I'm hoping that the second

watermelon will make nice snacks for the week. Yeah, but hold on. So how much power do you need? Are you doing, is this for real for you? You're just doing it for your documentaries? Oh no, this is, well, I'm doing it for the documentary, but it is 100% for real. Okay, and how much power do you need to smash a watermelon?

Is there any kind of test for this? It's 40 pounds. Can I go back to one of Jake's original questions the watermelon journey? Is it more content or is it a full documentary? Well, I'm going to be doing a full documentary about it after the journey is over But I legitimately want to crush this watermelon. I get it. What do you think in the title of that Doc's gonna be? squashing melons? Waiter melon waiter melon melon but where melons beware An advice show it is you gotta go back to Jake's original Jake's real good at this man

You wear melons is good think squashing melons to but We're in a zone right now. We got to figure out Jake Why you to Pretend that you're at the movie theater and you go up to the concession and or whatever and you ask for two tickets Melons go. Hey, yeah. Can I get a two adults or squashing? I think it's a hit man. Yeah, I think it's a hit So Oliver, where are you at with squash and melons right now? So you can get a little juice out, but you can't squash the melon, correct?

Correct. And what are you doing at the gym, my man? So it's a big focus on first obviously legs. I start with some cardio to warm up, limber up, and then I'm hitting the hip abduction machine to see if I can get up. Actually, do you mind if I interrupt Oliver? You're doing this all wrong. Okay, hit me. A gym is not the place to learn to squash melons. Okay a farm is You just need to go to a goddamn watermelon farm pay a farmer and squash the little guys he's got any rotten watermelons and Why because it's a mental game man. You have lost a hundred

pounds Oliver. You can squash a goddamn melon. It's a mental game. That melon has you beat. Don't beware melons. Beware Oliver, cause you're afraid of a big watermelon, a kettlebell, a fucking hip flexor machine is doing nothing for you. You got to go find some rotten watermelons and squash those big legs of yours and get your confidence up. Have you tried other melons? Have you tried like a cantaloupe or anything like that? Well, that would be the eventual goal. I figure a cantaloupe is smaller and more dense than a regular watermelon.

Yeah, you don't want to go cantaloupe. Cantaloupe is a nightmare. If I'm you, I start want to go. You don't want to go cantaloupe. Cantaloupe is a nightmare. If I'm you, I start with a plum. I go, I go real peaches. You got to keep on theme. It's melons. But I like plural. You hit the honeydew, you hit the cantaloupe.

A honeydew is unsquashable. Non squashing melons. But what's a soft melon? I bet you Arnold Schwarzenegger could squash a cantaloupe You're right. You mentioned this last part this last part of this last year has been really good, correct? Correct. And did you meet did you meet a woman in this last year? Is that what I heard? Well, I didn't meet her in this last year, but we got married in this last year. You got married. Well, what, what does she think about this

squashing melons goal? It's a great question. So she's into the goal of squashing the melon, but this is where the content side comes into this. I've recorded the stream where I couldn't smash it in the kitchen of our apartment. And she's not a huge fan of the stream where it does get smashed being recorded in our kitchen.

I think partially because it's a small apartment, our kitchen's very close to the living room rug. And it's a weird change of pace because she usually does support all of my endeavors, which are often similar to this. She doesn't like this. Go ahead, Max. What do you mean, what similar endeavors? What's another one?

Give us an example. Recently, I threw a black tie affair in the apartment to celebrate the recent release of the new Monster cereal. I had this place filled up 50-ish people, and she was all good with that. I'm also big on hybrid fixations and collectibles She's usually fine with that our whole living room. Oh, yeah, but she just doesn't want you squashing a fucking watermelon Those activities don't get juice and seeds all over the living room or at least I get I can tell you as a fact

My wife Max's wife and I'm'm sure Gareth Kat would not want any of us squashing a watermelon in between our thighs in the kitchen. Yeah. Video or no video. So I think what you got to do is you got to forget about your stream for a little bit. You're either a documentarian, you're either a content creator, or you're a guy smashing fucking watermelons. You can't be all three at the same time.

You're either the director or you're the goddamn subject. And if you want to be the subject, and this is about losing weight, then forget setting up that iPhone and filming yourself squashing watermelons and get out to a field and just start squashing them. You need a Rocky montage. You need to spend about two months. Don't film any of it. Don't worry about the end product. Worry about squashing goddamn watermelons, man. And I don't think you go to a gym for that. I think you put a big melon in between those legs and you squash it. I think you watch what you eat. I think you go to the gym to get your cardio up. And then I think every single day you go to the grocery store, you buy the softest watermelon and you

try to squash it. You ever see one of those videos where they put the rubber bands around the watermelon and then they keep on the watermelon until it explodes? Yep. Figure out how many rubber bands you need to make it explode and then work backwards from there, squashing them in between your quads. You got anything here, Gareth? I do. I agree.

I think, I mean, I agree I think I mean well I think once we all heard go find a watermelon farmer and just give them the pitch I think that's not gonna hurt anything. I think you can do some training towards it You're doing the right thing, but you really should be squashing as many melons as you can between your legs I think from a content perspective you can film some of it. And I think the day of the main event, if you do want to do it in your kitchen, just go get a big tarp from Home Depot. And I would say start with warmups from smallest melon to watermelon. And, you know, really lean into it. Like that, like those are the practice practice wings but it's a hell of a goal

yes i think are in closing the kind of advice for this one albert a tricky one because yet a hard goal and max is saying do something weird with rubber bands and figure out how many rubber bands i don't know how that connects to the thighs what do you what's your advice on this one gareth well i think you can do it in your kitchen and, you know, tarp it up, and if she doesn't support it, then maybe this is not the right relationship. I think that's the whole point.

Wow! That's a turn. I would say don't listen to Gareth. I would say you met a woman... You don't think you can find... Let me tell you something. You're going to be able to find a woman out there who you love, who also... Trust me, I have a cat...

Who you love and who also supports the thigh melon stuff. That's all I'm saying. Oliver, this is going sideways, my guy. This woman, you got married during a year when you lost 100 pounds, I think you got a winner at home. My advice to you is find an outdoor park and every single day squash a watermelon and don't take a day off.

And I would say throw money out the window whatever you put into this financially I think you'll make back when you sell the duck Oliver thank you so much for the call my man hey guys thank you very much Jake next time you're around a watermelon are you gonna go hey can I just can I try something some watermelons can see what I can do with this but But between my legs. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Hey. Hey guys. Hi. So we don't know who this is, but we know it's a follow-up.

You mind taking the lead a little bit? Sure. I called a little while ago because I'm trying to crush a watermelon between my thighs and my wife is not happy about yep Hold on. I gotta say something to you Word has it you make the rounds on podcast my guy How many of these you got it? What's your name again real quick?

Oliver Oliver, that's right because you're all over podcast. So Oliver, how many of these have you done before we get into this? You're all over podcast so Oliver. How many of these have you done before we get into this? Only two when it was you and I am one other podcast. That's not a lot. It's not a lot Okay, we're still furious people on social media overreacted how the other one go I It was good it was good. Yeah, it's not fucking Max Greenfield on it Okay Oliver walk us through where you're at with the watermelon with the training and with your wife's reaction to your beautiful endeavor. So if you remember I'm making a I'm making a documentary about the whole thing. Yes.

Fitness wise, I'm in the right place. I'm confident that I can do it. It's been logistics recently. I Her your guys's recommendation actually we've rented out a farm for the documentary for a certain segment So it's been about it coming together to finally do the actual crushing. Okay And other I remember other recommendations we had was just crush mushy melons to get your confidence up The plum was a big hit when I showed people the episode I'm very confident. I can crush a plum

And how's your training been and how's your wife's reaction been? It's been good And I even think that my wife has come around a little bit on it At least to the the melon being crushed in the kitchen. Okay. Um We've introduced the idea of a Home Depot tart going over there. Also Things over of course. Yeah, you'll find that goes a long way and then when is the When is the day the rubber meets the road Oliver? When you're gonna crush the melon Because you can't talk about it forever. You got it

You got to eventually put that big thing in between your legs and squeeze So we're gonna start shooting I before the end of March This is great Right now it's a logistical thing because I want my wife to be out of the house while it's going on fair I have a buff friend coming over to stand in the background for a bit I feel like it just comes off as really really like a lot. Yeah, it's happening in your home Yeah, I don't disagree. I I don't think you're gonna want her there. Well, you and another buff guy Please melons into your legs my guy. Well it might be a good idea to be sweet and incentivize by you know giving her a day of

doing something she wants to do. You know like whether you go I don't know I mean I don't want to be too on brand but you know if you want to go have her get a massage or have a day at a spa or have a manicure or something like that. But you're. Yeah no that's a great idea. Maybe have her go at a spa or have a manicure or something like that. But you're still. Yeah, no, that's a great idea. Maybe have her go buy a shop vac.

But you're starting early March, you're starting the dock. And just to be clear, the dock is a training thing at the farm. Like a rock. So we're going to we're doing a training segment at the farm where I'm going to go there and crush some less than ripe melons. OK Okay good. Some mushy melons. And then I have I actually have someone on the dock who's going to he's done it before so he's going to kind of advise me on it. Okay so this is is this a thing that people do in the community? Is there a community of you guys? so my knowledge it wasn't so I saw this one guy do it

I reached out to him, and I said I kind of feel like I could do a more right Larger melon than that he challenged his ass was he an old-timer, and he said not a chance Only mentally only mentally fair Okay, so you're gonna be doing a tree you reached out to this guy. He's your mentor. He's in your corner. You're rocky You're gonna go to Russia aka or Siberia aka the farm you're gonna train and when do you actually pop the melon? What date is that? We're hoping March 24th my birthday. Oh, I love it. What a lovely day and to send your wife away March 24th. We're gonna be on tour. I Think I'll know I'll be back. Okay minute. So

Yes, will you please let us know how it goes Yeah, can I ask a question to Oliver? Are you since you're documenting this? Do you have a title? I'm still sticking with melon's Beware is the best. I've also heard Yippee-Ki-Yay, Melon Farmer, like Die Hard 2, when they played on TV. You could also call yourself the Melon Man. The Melon Man. Melon Mushier. Oh, that's cool.

Melon Mushier's good. Oh, we got to workshop all of these. I'm going to throw them up on the floor. So do us a favor man if you film What you're doing on the 24th, we would love a clip of it We will obviously continue to push and a follow-up and a follow-up will obviously push your documentary for you But we'd love to know what happens on the 24th man teams. I'd love to do a follow-up We'd love to hear that but there's one there's one caveat. No other podcasts. You're exclusively signing a deal with we're here to help

Is that fair? All right fair fair fair. You guys will get the first follow-up. That's fair. Thank you Wait, wait, wait, we'll get the first Ours has to air first before it's like yeah till ours air. This is like the Leno Letterman battle Yeah, we need the star first. You're not gonna go do another podcast. It's interesting that you went instantly that you were Leno Oliver thank you for the call buddy. Good. Thanks bud. Good luck. Hey, thanks guys. All right And now after hours two podcasts giving advice on how to do this a full documentary of training and one Cool teaser that we shot. It's time for the most disgusting moment of my career.

Did we hear that? I'm sorry. Victory slice of the victim. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. If you'd like to be on the show please email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com and if you want to watch video episodes of We're Here to Help, you can go to our Patreon at patreon.com slash here to help pod to see our entire catalog. We're Here to Help is produced by Rabbit Grimm Productions, executive producers Rob Hollis, Jeff Porter and Natalie Hollis, Associate Producer Jesse Thurston, editing, mix and master by Chris Fowler. Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Theme song by Oliver Raleigh, the cover artwork is by James Fostike, animations by Andrew Strlecki, and if you'd like to see Gareth do stand up on the road, go to garethrentoldes.com.

Remember all of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions. All video episodes of season one are available now on Patreon and season two video episodes will be available every Monday starting January 20th. Go to patreon.com forward slash here to help pod