We're Here to Help - 31: Crap Rat
Episode Date: November 30, 2023Jake and Gareth talk to callers about a surprise trip abroad and an unusual nickname. Plus, they end the episode with a quick call with a special guest. Check out our We’re Here to Help ...sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Email your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
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all right here we go all right jake Jake, Gareth, Brian, New Girl.
We're here.
We're here to help.
You know what we do.
We got a fun show.
The best podcast in the world.
Number one podcast in the world.
We got a fun show today.
Yes, we have a great problem up top.
You know, we met through improv.
That's a big yes and.
Nice connection. There you go. Sometimes. That's a big yes and. And yeah.
Nice connection.
There you go.
And sometimes in life you have to yes and.
Yes and. And then to our second call, you've also.
Second call, we kind of have to dig for a second, but then there's a.
There's connections to our life too.
Enjoy the show.
Wait, oh, goodbye.
Bye.
Bye.
Hello, welcome to the show i'm glad to be here thanks for having me great can we get your name your location and what you're calling about uh my name is zach i'm calling
from south dakota and uh what yeah, South Dakota. Um,
wanted to,
uh,
get your guys's perspective on,
uh,
a situation that I found myself in.
Um,
first,
Zach,
how old are you?
What's our,
what's our zone here?
Oh,
I'm 28 years old.
28.
What do you do for work?
I work in accounting.
Accounting.
Cool.
Exciting.
Got any siblings?
Yep.
I have one younger brother.
He's 26.
Little baby bro.
26.
Little baby bro.
Yeah, it's nice.
I heard you, Jake.
It's, you know.
What's your signs, Zach?
Okay.
This is just sort of.
I'm a Gemini.
I don't know.
You don't know signs.
Difference between California and South Dakota.
What's your birthday?
June 1st.
June 1st?
Yep.
You're a Gemini.
You are a Gemini, my man.
Hey.
You and Jake are...
Zach, I can't believe you said June 1st,
and my dumb ass didn't do the math.
I'm May 28th, Gemini.
All right, my twin.
Two-faced.
Zach, let's shoot.
What's our problem today?
All right.
All right.
Zach, let's, why don't we get into this?
Now we're loose.
Now we're loose.
Yeah, it's great that you got all those swings in.
So, Zach, I feel like we know you pretty well.
Got a baby brother, all that stuff.
What's the problem?
What's going on with you?
What's up?
So, a couple weeks back, got a wedding invite in my email.
I started going through it, and it's fairly standard,
but I found it's a destination wedding in Munich, Germany.
The happy couple looks great.
They have a picture in here and wearing his plaid pants.
A good look.
And the problem I'm facing here is I'm confident that I've never met these
people in my entire life.
And somehow it gets to my email. So that's where I'm looking for some advice.
Wow. Does it have your name on it?
It does. It has my full name, my email, my full name.
You really, really don't think you've ever, seriously, you don't think you have,
you have no clue who these people are. I do not have have a clue who they are so the question is what do you do do you
go to the wedding do you spam them or do you yes and into the galaxy like a gemini would yeah hey
zach yeah yeah is there a world where you can take some time off and go to
Germany? Is this a reality for you? Well, you know, I, I brought this up to a number of people
because just how does somebody get my, my direct email address for something like this? Um, one of
those was my girlfriend asked me to submit it to you guys
because you had the fake Jake situation.
I know in case of mistaken identity.
And one of the other people that I brought it up to was my boss,
and she cleared it.
She said, you can take the time off if you want to go and check this thing out.
I'm 100% ready to pitch.
I'm 100% ready to pitch. I'm 100% ready to pitch.
This might be our shortest call.
Here's what I would say, Zach.
I would say bring your girlfriend, take a wonderful vacation to Germany.
Great country.
And the wedding is just one part of your European vacation, but you have a story forever
for you guys.
And now this is an excuse to take a European vacation.
Your boss already cleared it.
The peak of it, when you get there, get them a gift.
And when they say, who are you?
You say, I feel the same way about you, but you invited me.
And then have a printout of the invitation with your name on it. That's what I was going to say, I feel the same way about you, but you invited me. And then have a printout of the invitation with your name on it.
That's what I was going to say, too.
I don't think you do.
There's no need for you to pretend to be someone that you're not.
They sent it to you.
You don't know who the hell these people are, but you got invited.
So just go.
There might be something at this wedding that is the answer to all the problems here.
Might be.
Yeah.
I think this is a hundred percent.
Germany is great.
Germany's vacation is great.
I think.
Having a plan.
Whatever you can do, however much you want to broaden it out.
But even if it's just going to the wedding and taking a
week and just hanging out in Germany with your girlfriend, this is a great reason to do it.
It is a hilarious story. Incredible. I can't wait for a follow-up call where you tell us
what they don't know you. It was an accident or these, you met them or whatever. Yeah. Also,
Zach, I wouldn't lean in there when you get to that wedding.
First of all, is there a chance you're going to do this?
Where do you think you're at percentage-wise?
I think there's some logistical things we'd have to work through next September.
There'd be time.
You got plenty of time.
The other thing is I did find somebody who has my exact name.
There's not that many people that share my exact name.
There's a guy in Wisconsin.
Here's what you could do because I could tell you got a little bit of guilt about it.
So I would reach out to Wisconsin Zach.
I would find him either on Instagram or Facebook. And if you can't find him, you can't find it.
But I would do a solid day of trying. If he gets back to you and goes, I don't know who those people are either,
man, then it's your duty to go to the wedding, get him a great gift and tell him congratulations
and not bring up the fact that you don't know them and they don't know you.
When they say, if somebody says like, how do you know the bride and groom? You go,
I was invited to the wedding.
And lean into the fact that you're just there.
Go ahead, Garth.
I stick to option one.
I know you were a little apprehensive.
You're a Gemini, babe.
But I would go.
You got invited.
I would go.
And when anyone asks, just be like, I don't know why I got invited.
But my girlfriend and I were excited.
I RSVP'd. I'm here to have a great time.
And then the Germans are known for their great senses of humor. They'll love it.
Zach, what do you think you're going to do here? Where are you at?
As much as I'd like to just go and and and wedding crash in Germany, I think. Not wedding crash. I kind of like the idea.
What? Yeah, well, that's right.
I like the idea of of at least giving it a shot reaching out to this other guy that's because you that's because you're
a gemini like me that's what i would do weak but you know there is there is always that option
that possibly maybe i should know these people from somewhere but i guess the the first steps
probably to to check out whether he's all right, I think you've answered what you're going to do.
You're a weak Gemini, so you're going to do that.
You're such a Capricorn, dude.
I always say, WWOW, what would Owen Wilson do?
Add a D to my acronym.
But okay, so there you go.
Well, if you end up going, because I think if this guy is like,
I don't know what you're talking
about you've got to go if you do reach out to us and let us know i agree i agree if he doesn't know
who they are either it's got to be me and if you just suddenly think to yourself you know what i
want to actually have fun with life grab its reins and ride along leave that weak star sign of yours
go for it.
You're such a Libra, dude.
You're not even close to what my- You're such a Cancer.
No, Jesus.
Take it easy.
You're such an other sign.
You're such an Aries.
No.
I think it's Aries.
Aries.
You're such an Aries.
I'm not even that, though.
What are you?
Sagittarius.
Classic.
Zach, thank you for the call.
Yeah, appreciate it. Big fan's a new girl girl so appreciate you guys oh thanks man it was a lot of fun to make thank you man we appreciate
that we love that show too thanks bud thank you so much that's so nice to hear from fans
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Hi, you're on with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds.
Can we ask your name, please?
My name is Caroline.
Hey, Caroline.
How are you?
Hi, Caroline.
I'm good.
How are you guys?
Good.
I think I'm doing pretty good.
How are you, Garfield?
I haven't asked you that today.
I'm pretty good.
I'm doing pretty good.
Jake, you're good?
You said you were good?
Things are good?
I got some shit sleep last night, but I'm pretty good.
I also had shit sleep.
I didn't want to get too in the weeds with it because I thought, but I'm pretty good. I also had shit sleep.
I didn't want to get too in the weeds with it because I thought, hey, Caroline's calling.
Let's talk to her. Let's deal with her.
Let's deal with her.
Well, is there something you want to say?
Is there anything you want to say?
Nah, just a little bit.
You sure?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Caroline, where are you from?
I'm from Indianapolis, Indiana.
Oh, nice.
I like Indianapolis, Indiana.
Okay.
And how old are you?
Do you mind if we ask?
I do not mind. I am 38 years old
yeah 38 and uh what do you do for work well I used to be a marketing writer and a writer
generally but when I had my kids I quit that and have just been home raising kiddos I love it my
daughter was born how many kids you got? You said the one daughter?
No, I have a daughter named Charlie who is six and a son named Oscar who is five.
You have a six-year-old girl named Charlie and a five-year-old boy named Oscar, yes?
I do, yes. We have a very soft picture of your life, Caroline.
Do you mind telling us what you're calling about today?
I'm actually calling you about my five-year-old, Oscar.
He's going to be starting kindergarten in the fall, and he's very scared about it.
And he's just kind of scared, generally, of a lot of new things that didn't used to seem to bother him,
didn't used to seem to bother him like the dark or going downstairs by himself or going upstairs by himself or any kind of bug um fireworks were a big thing my husband had to sit on the edge of
his bed during the fourth of july because he was so scared of the sound so my man os Oscar has some anxiety. Yeah. He does. Yeah.
Hey, Oscar.
Hey, Oscar.
Welcome to the world.
A lot of us do.
Get in line, Oscar.
Get in line, my guy.
I'm scared of everything.
Wait until you're 40.
Why do you think we were both that didn't get enough sleep?
We were terrified.
Scared.
Woke up to go to the bathroom.
Couldn't go to bed because of crippling anxiety
Got scared
About what? The future?
Big stuff, small stuff
Don't matter
I'm just Oscar
So Oscar has a lot of fear and he's starting kindergarten
Yeah
I want to make it less scary for him
Or try to find ways
To help him through it
Have you considered moving to some him through it have you have you considered moving
to some utopian society where you just eat like fruits and veggies from trees in the earth
and you guys all live in jungle and you live in like white gowns and have like a good leader
a good leader part's troubling forever the last part's trouble i agree i blew it i blew it yeah
it's a worry at the end obviously obviously. The end was the worry.
So basically, if we're correct here, is this question, unless I'm jumping in and ending
you too quickly, but is this basically, how do we get Oscar a little less scared for school?
That's exactly the question.
Okay.
I got to say, this is tough.
It's tough.
Now, can I ask you this?
You said that the fear has sort of just started it
it didn't seem to be there before and now it's sort of started is that right it is i mean i'll
level with you i feel like it might have started partly with he got interested in mummies like
books about mummies so i got him one one thinking, this is great. Let me nurture this interest.
And it was way too intense.
And the pictures were really creepy.
So, but no, you know, I don't want to trace it all to the mummies.
It's more, I don't know.
Because you did.
I know it's my fault.
And everything.
So that's why you're like, we're not here to mummy blame.
Come on.
Let's just deal with it now.
Yeah. not here to mummy blame yeah come on let's just deal with it now yeah but i do wonder if it's like
if kindergarten is like the root of all things or if it's just another thing you know i mean
who knows the other thing that do you or your husband are either you guys uh big anxiety people
i mean yeah we're anxious people i don't think we have like a
clinical diagnosis but we're not the most like relaxed people that you'll meet uh so what i hear
about kids and you know obviously we're no experts but what i hear about this world is a lot of it is from the parental advisor. So how nervous are you for your baby
boy to start school? I am really nervous because my daughter had a really rough transition to
kindergarten. So I've already been kind of like bracing myself. So yes, i am more nervous than the average bear maybe caroline if uh i had a bell i
would be ringing it what does that mean jake for those of us who aren't sure what the bell ring
ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ladies and gentlemen we have our answer
i think so you think this is yeah i think he's feel I think he's a probably a really intuitive little creature.
I think he's feeling that anxiety and it's building up.
I think the mummy book probably scared the shit out of him, just like it should.
I showed my kids a shark video when they were about four years old.
To this day, when they go in pools, they go, there's not a shark in here.
Right.
And I go, look at it.
Look at it look at it that
happened to me i saw jaws when i was far too young and i was like i'm not going in that pool and like
no matter what anyone told me it doesn't matter like you don't know to this day are the amount
of conversations i've had to have where i go well chlorine would kill it as well as you can see the
bottom of the pool and my kids adapt dad yeah well not even that much logic it just goes
more like yeah but i don't know and i go well you see the bottom there's no shark and they go
yeah i'm not gonna go in though yeah you're like that's some good straight up fear yeah we more
specialize on if you're like should i eat a hot dog on the 4th of July or hamburger?
Yeah. And that is still a struggle for us to answer, but we at least-
Because the thing is, is like a hot dog has its upsides, but so does a hamburger.
We'll be right back.
With a special commercial from a hamburger place.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So can I ask a quick question carolyn yeah do you have anything in your life that's really
trivial and small and stupid like you know like should you be wearing cut off jeans to drop him
off anything like that you could we could answer really quick and try to get a win here yeah
here's a win okay it's still about oscar but I can't get him to stop running around shouting,
my name is Crap Rat, and I eat children.
Okay.
See, this is more of our podcast.
You buried the lead.
Come on.
Come on.
Wait.
He's running around saying my name is Crap Rat?
I eat what?
My name is Crap Rat, and my favorite thing to eat is
children that's what he's been running around pretending okay so this little boy your five
year old son runs around he he yells at other kids my name is crap rat and i eat children
yeah he'll yell it at me and my daughter and my husband. And you're trying to figure out how to get him to stop doing this.
I mean, I don't want him to debut it in public.
Yeah, I'd like to keep it inside the house.
I don't agree.
I love, I think, let's unveil the character early.
So can I ask a question about this?
When did Oscar start identifying himself as Crab Rat?
Do you remember the moment?
Is it Crab Rat or Crab Rat?
No, it's Crap Rat with a P.
Thank you.
Crap Rat.
It's what I wanted.
Okay, keep going.
Answer Jake's question.
When did he start becoming Crap Rat?
I'm becoming.
It's fairly new.
Within the past few days, Crap Rat has debuted,
and I don't know why or where
because it's awesome it's not i agree like i kind of love it but hold on caroline when he
first did this what happened how does it start here he's in the backyard and a five-year-old
boy just yells i'm crap rat and i eat kids this is a a jump. So how did we get to this?
Yeah.
He ran into the living room.
I think I was sitting on the couch,
and I think he started chasing my daughter around
and just shouted my name.
He stood up on the ottoman, actually,
and he shouted, my name is Crap Rat,
and my favorite thing to eat is children.
And then he started to hate her.
And what was your daughter's reaction?
She kind of squealed and ran
because then he started pretending to eat her.
Well, to be fair, he stated the mood.
I mean, he's Crap Rat.
He eats children.
Of course, you know what I mean?
Like, that's on her now. Get out of the room. C mean he's crap rat he eats children of course you know what i mean like that's on her now get out of the room crap rats here you make a good point and so caroline the
question is is if i'm getting this correct is how do you get him to stop referring to himself as
crap rat or do you just let crap rat sing a little bit and let it go?
Yes, that's the question.
Well, let me just put it like this, and I've told Garf this,
but when I was about Oscar's age, I wanted to be called Arnold.
I think it was Arnold Jackson, even though his name should be Arnold Drummond because he was adopted by the Drummonds.
Okay, let's not get into the
way okay this is from different just a just a show I watched growing up called Different Strokes
and I wanted to be and I loved him it was little Gary Coleman what an actor unfortunately heard
some bad stuff about him later in life but that's not okay yeah yeah but just a charming little
character actor great show about two kids who get adopted into a millionaire family and
Upper East Side.
And guess what?
Jakey J wanted to be Arnold Drummond.
And I had everybody call me Arnold on birthday cakes.
Everybody had,
it had to say happy birthday,
Arnold.
My mom told me when all the little kids would sing,
they would go happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to Arnold.
Happy birthday to you.
And the way my mother she
was very embarrassed by it she did not like it other parents would ask like who's arnold and
she would have to say the youngest child in different strokes which was also admitting that
i watched way too much tv and as a single mom she was not fired up about any of this it's also sort
of tipping the hand to like,
he has a fantasy to go in a different house.
Yes.
He wants to live with another family.
He wants some rich old guy to adopt him.
Yeah.
But I'll tell you what she did, which I thought was really wise.
And that is, she just let me rock Arnold.
And there was a moment where I think I said,
why is everybody calling me Arnold? My name is Jake. And she said, no more Arnold. And there was a moment where I think I said, why is everybody calling me Arnold? My name
is Jake. And she said, no more Arnold. And as if an alien took me over and created Arnold, I was
like, yeah, Arnold's gone. I'm Jake. But if she said at that time, you are not allowed to refer
to yourself as Arnold. There's a real chance. I'm asking, this is, we're here to help with Gareth and Arnold.
Oh, which is just a superior show without question.
When you were sick of it, Jake, and she called you Arnold,
did you look at her and say, what you talking about, mom?
Did that happen?
That's a joke for the older fans.
People our age right now are dying.
It's a good joke.
It's a good joke for the elderly.
That's a goddamn win.
But what Jake also has said is that he's standing there so proud that his name is Arnold.
But look, I don't think Crap Rat is going to stick forever.
Oscar's going to become Oscar again.
You know, every now and then he just has these little crap rat fits and that's fine.
This is this is what I would say.
You've got one of two options.
I think what Jake said is right.
I think you just let it go.
I think if he's if he's scaring your daughter, I think you could come up like crap rat goes outside.
You know, if she wants to play, we can go play crap rat in the yard.
You know, you're here to eat
children that's a problem for a child um i i would my other angle would be maybe you can escalate
and and just get through this timeline a little faster if you lean into it get a cape get a cr
emblem that he can wear on his chest something something like that. You know, just things like that.
Think of the superhero version of Crap Rat, which I would imagine he would like.
Maybe that can get the infatuation to fade faster.
So I'm kind of with Gareth, but I'm kind of not.
I think I wouldn't water this seed because I don't think you want him to have to lean
further in.
But what I would do is I wouldn't water this seed because I don't think you want him to have to like lean further in. But what I would do is I wouldn't run from it when he's doing it.
I would refer to him as crap rat, but crap rat still has all the same responsibilities Oscar does.
So you could go like, hey, crap rat.
In 20 minutes, we're sitting down for dinner.
And he goes like, I eat children.
Well, you also eat these chicken nuggets and your broccoli, Crap Rat.
And I think if you stick to that, Crap Rat's going to realize this is not much better than Oscar.
And it'll then slowly fade away.
But I wouldn't stifle it because, you know.
You can't win if you're stifling.
And also, Crap Rat's a pretty exciting move for a five-year-old and
we encourage yeah i think the downside is obviously and i think there's only a small
percent percent chance of this but you know that it makes him feel like he can do that further and
then you know he's 15 years old and he's become shit ferret or something like that. But I don't see that happening,
much like my man Arnold over here just said. I think he'll get it out of his system.
I think so too. So Caroline, our advice to you on this one is let Crap Rat run its natural course
of things. And we're going to see what happens and let him take that energy when he starts school.
And maybe that's the confidence that's going to carry him into kindergarten.
Yeah, Crap Rat's not afraid of kindergarten.
Yeah.
So thank you for the call.
We wish you all the best,
and we think you got something fun with Crap Rat running around Indianapolis.
Any kid that comes up with Crap Rat is all right in my book.
Agreed.
He's going to be okay.
He's going to be just fine. Thank you for the call, Carolyn. Thank you, guys. See you. comes up with crap rat is all right in my book agreed he's gonna be okay okay yeah that's fine
thank you for the call caroline thank you guys see ya good luck tell crap rat what's up
here's a quick mini bonus call with one of our favorite guests
all right uh welcome to we're here to Help. You're on the podcast.
Can I get your name, where you're calling from,
and maybe just jump into whatever your issue is.
Yeah, my name is Jake.
I'm calling from Los Angeles.
And my issue is I went hiking with my friend Lamorne,
and he was winded.
He was out of shape.
He kept asking for breaks and doing fake little monologues.
And then when we were
posting about it he called me a liar on social so i want to know what's up my man what's up with
your cardio that's first of all you see that you see the triceratops is right here okay got these
dinosaur arms you're a liar jake you're a liar what happened was i wasn't used to that particular
canyon so when when you understand the path then you can you can understand the breath work i didn't
know the path so if you you're saying that because you didn't know the path that's why you stopped so
many times looked around pretended to love the view love of you had moments where you would say
like can't we just talk for a second yeah j, Jake, I hadn't seen you in a while.
You're forgetting.
And to tell the people that we don't hang out as much as they think.
We started to.
I know. After we did the Natalie Morales night.
Exactly.
Because we realized we actually love each other.
Yeah, that's true.
But then do you remember what you said to somebody you love during the hike when you were beating me?
You pointed to my stomach, which was sticking out.
And you said, how come you're not more tired? at you yeah because i'm not gonna lie to you jake
i was shocked i didn't know you could throw your weight around like that he goes man how are you
not tired and i was like how are you so tired then he pointed at my stomach
but if we did a rematch, I'm not getting winded.
Next week, let's do it.
Let's do it. Your boy's back at it.
Okay, great.
Next week, you and LA.
Let's just do it different.
Let's just walk on the flat surface, though.
Let's not go up a cane.
Not much of a hike.
Come on.
Yeah, still hiking.
We can wear the shoes.
We're ending this call.
Come on.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson.
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