We're Here to Help - 33: We’re Here for Selfish Reasons
Episode Date: December 7, 2023Jake and Gareth talk to a caller who wants to share some news with her husband. Check out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com! Want to call in? Em...ail your question to helpfulpod@gmail.com. If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts. Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPod See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
all right here we are all right ones and twos uh jake here we are another episode garth we do on uh america's
number one podcast uh so tell me this before we get into before we get into this uh what's going
on with you what's new not much uh well we have some we have a lot of exciting stuff coming up
um we uh you know always, we thank and encourage
people to send emails
to helpfulpod at gmail.com,
but we have met in person.
Yes.
And we've done some, and they were great.
And it's funny because
the first time we met up,
you and I dressed very similarly.
I ended up wearing a
shirt that looked a lot like your shirt
and you were you handled it with grace as usual um you lost your mind and suggested i was copying
you and then just little brother and little brother but then at one point you said the
statement that was you knew i would wear this shirt because I wore this shirt yesterday when we
did a Zoom session.
And then you pointed out that you pretty much only
have one shirt you wear and you're wearing it again
today. You have this one blue shirt.
It's a dress shirt. I don't wear it all day. I just wear it for
press. You know what? I didn't know we were going to go.
I was kind of set. Gareth, I'll set you up
for stand-up announcements. Some people
have a few shirts
and they have a few shirts. you know things are bad when i'm when i'm clothes shaming i mean me clothes shaming
anyone who knows me is insane i've got one thing to say about this yeah without further ado enjoy
the show wait what'd you do hello hi welcome to the show. We're here to help.
Hello. How you doing?
I'm great. How are you guys? I'm great. This is Jake and Gareth.
Hi. Amazing. Hi.
So what's your name? Where are you calling from? And what can we do for you today?
So my name is Winter. I am from Manhattan, Kansas. And
I was just calling to see if we could brainstorm a little bit because I just found out that I'm
pregnant and I want to surprise my husband and then our families and everything. And
I'm just not a creative person. So I'm having a hard time.
Okay. So you just found out you're pregnant and how you want to figure out a fun way to tell
them oh thank you yeah i just it's just got to be good you know so like this is a big deal i mean
gender reveal but the reveal is that you're having the baby your husband has no idea
no he does not he might have an idea i'm not sure but well winter can i ask a question were you guys trying and i don't just mean
the gill and alice way i mean like were you actually old-fashioned way you know not the
old-fashioned way were you looking into scheduling were you doing the whole nine yards
well not exactly we were just kind of at the point like if it happens it happens fine but it wasn't
like actively on our radar to go ahead and do it. Okay. And so yeah, it just happens.
Interesting.
That's a good question, by the way, because the last, you don't, I'll tell you as a man
who's been out there before, if there was a fun reveal for something like this, I'd
be like, this is not good news.
But you're happy.
Now, can we, maybe we can get a little information on your husband.
What is, you can give him a fake name.
What's his name and what does he do?
That's okay.
His name's Cody.
I don't know if he'll hear, well, maybe he'll hear this.
I don't know.
His name's Cody.
He's 25.
I'm only four months older than him, so it's not that big a deal, I hope.
But we both live here.
He works at a restaurant.
He's the manager.
He's really good with people.
He's such a funny guy
it's it's insane he's so clever he's so smart um he just sounds like you got yourself a winner honey
so cody is a super he's a super funny guy at a restaurant and uh how'd you guys meet
uh actually in high school we were dating our sophomore year of high school. We've been together like 10 years. Okay. So yeah, it's great. And when we're going to pitch on something like a baby
reveal, we need a little help from you. What are your instincts of doing? I know you're saying
you're not, you don't have ideas. You're not sure sure but i don't fully buy that winter what's something
that's kind of cooking in your head that we can maybe pitch on well so my initial thought before
i got like your email if you guys are want to talk to me but um i had an idea that friday morning i
was going to just turn out this piece of paper and so a little backstory we've been together 10
years married for three and since we've lived together the last three years. We've been together 10 years, married for three. And since we've lived together
the last three years, since we've been married, we've moved four times, which is all, uh, it's a
lot. He hates moving. So my thought initially was I was just going to print off a piece of paper
that says, oops, looks like we're going to have to move again. And it was going to have the test
and everything. And you know, the date that the baby was supposed to be due and all that kind of
stuff. Okay. Now I'm going to go a little- Which I think is good.
I think there's something there.
I like that.
I think there's something there, but I'm going to pitch a little bit different.
Okay.
I think we start with a little bit of stomach ache and we end with elation.
Okay.
Okay.
I like that.
What if you print out a fake eviction notice?
Oh, no.
The city's knocking down the building.
Some BS.
You've got to move in 30 days.
Now, I don't know where I'm going with this, Garf.
But the idea is that I'm looking to go ahead.
What I like about it is you go from bad news to good news.
That's what I'm looking for.
Those are always a fun play.
You could do something like that you know you could hit him with something where you're just you you know what you could do you could say that the bill that you're gonna have to move
because they only want to rent to families and it's this dumb thing you can print it up and you
can say when he comes back you could say you sent it to a lawyer.
You think it's discriminatory.
You don't know how they can do that.
And you can be pissed off.
Get him a little riled. Hold on.
With this in mind, because I'm liking where you're going.
Do you have a good relationship with your landlord?
So we've only been here.
We moved into this apartment in February.
Has he ever, has he spoke with your landlord?
Or is it like a property
manager? Oh, well actually, so we're not, we're fine about getting rent in on time for the most
part. Like we're usually a couple of days late. So here's what I'm thinking. Here's what I'm
thinking. Winter, here's where I'm going with it. Here's where I'm going with it. I love it.
Hunter, here's where I'm going with it.
Here's where I'm going with it.
I love it.
You have us call when you've pre-recorded so we know you're recording and we have you on there and we go like, hey, guys, this is the owner.
We have the address, which we'll beep out and we'll go.
We have really unfortunate news.
What we're looking for in a really nice place like yours is we're looking for a situation
where it's for a family.
And unfortunately, there's two 25-year-olds who are just married. You just don't fit the criteria of what we want
in the building. And so we're trying not to be jerks about it, but you do have 30 days to move
out. We're looking for somebody who's pregnant and get him to the point where he gets pissed off.
And you help stoke it. And what we're looking for is we're looking for a family.
We're looking for people who are either in a family or starting a family.
And we stoke it.
You play into it.
And then you say.
But hold on, let him get pissed.
Yeah.
Well, we've been trying.
And I go, well, trying is not good enough.
And then we're really sorry.
And then at a certain point, you just have to then say well the good
news is i'm pregnant so we can stay and he'll be like what what is going on the level of bullshit
for the review now just just to go on that when you just hear that pitch what's your feeling is
this fun not fun is that not what you had do you want it more intimate or do you like it being
like a podcast thing where you at well i feel like it's got to be epic and that that'll give me epic as long as i'm not the
best actor so if like i'm part of it we'll lead well you don't have to be okay jake and i are
seasoned actors i don't know if you've seen new girl uh jake and i are all over that that bad boy
so um we know what we're doing so here's what we need from you, Winter. You need to not tell him before, because if you tell him before and he gets on and you
guys are all smiley and silly, there's no game.
Yeah.
If it's a joke on a joke, it doesn't air.
It's not fun.
You say, sorry, we go.
It's all good.
If he does not know and somehow and the reason you're doing this lie is not to lie to him to be
mean it's to give him great joy in the reveal yeah and if you can get him in a situation and
i don't know how you do it winter but key him up to what this call is so cody's coming in hot
so cody you say i don't want to talk to them again. They were pretty rude to me.
And then you're both on speaker. We could do a voicemail from the landlord. I need to talk to
you. It's about, you know, we can lay it in there so that we do a lot of the pipe work for you
so that you can be a little, and then when we hit it with, so we can get them kind of,
you know, get him hot or
gareth an email an email great yes an email that you could print out and show whatever yeah and
and here's what you can do winter you could give us his email we can email him directly
so he says to you i got a fucking email out of the building so you're in the you're not an actor
you're a reactor.
Yes.
Which is so much.
And then you could laugh.
And he goes like, it's not funny.
And you go, you're doing a joke.
And he goes, I'm not.
He said we need to be a family.
And it's absurd.
That's great.
It's insane.
And legally, they can't do that.
And you're like, what'd they say?
And they said they want to talk to us this week.
So let's get out.
And if he says, let's call a lawyer. say like, Cody, let's talk to them first.
We don't want, they're going to charge us $500 for five minutes.
This is a win.
This is great.
This is good.
You like it?
Oh, I love it.
Hold on.
Gareth has another pitch.
Just throw it out.
Well, I had a pitch previous, but you also wanted to reveal to your family, right?
Yeah, eventually. I wanted
to tell him first, so then we'll talk about it and everything,
and then we'll come up with a plan.
I think the family reveal can be
that
there is a moving box you
left at your old place
because you've been moving a lot.
It got dropped off to you guys,
and you're very confused. You don't know if
someone else left it there or something like that. it's got bait it's got like a onesie on it it's got like some
booties and then as you get to the bottom and you're acting puzzled with them you can have a
little sign at the bottom that says it's ours we're having a baby oh that's so cute that's sweet
you guys are good.
I like it.
That'll be $3,000.
You owe us.
Is that how we're doing it now?
Jake?
There you go.
Three.
Go ahead. Kevin,
the hunk just jumped on producer.
Kevin just hopped on for a really quick pitch.
You said he works at a restaurant,
pay someone to act like they're choking on their food.
They run up to him.
He gives the Heimlich.
They shoot the food.
They shoot the food out across the
restaurant he turns around puts his hand on his shoulder and says you're gonna be one hell of a
father buddy and he goes what and then you're right behind him and say congratulations or or
what he's choking on is like a little thing that and then you open it and inside the thing it says you're gonna be a
hell of a dad yeah that's interesting that's a good take hold on now winter this game just got
goddamn complicated so yeah we've got an email to cody telling them you have to move out from your landlords because the landlords want a family.
We do a call that we push him to, we try to get him angry to which you then reveal,
don't worry, we're good. We're going to be a family. I'm pregnant. We play it that way.
That's option A. Another option, which is you can also do and i think you should do is garris idea where you do
the sweet box right the box reveal then you've got and we're going to just call that one a because i
think you do that no matter what so we've got option a is the uh weird email and the property and b is you get a friend to fake choke you hopefully get him if like somebody else goes
to help in the restaurant you go like get out of here we need the manager kevin this one has
holes in it when someone's trying to heimlich the man will be like no not you that other waiter
no no here's how you do it here's how you do it you are talking to
somebody winter and you bring cody to the table you're eating in the restaurant so while he's
there at a certain point he starts choking you say give him the heimlich cody like i don't know
the heimlich and you go just squeeze his chest so so that's option b and if you like b we can
help you figure it out.
We need to know, Winner, what are you thinking of doing now?
So I do like the first idea because, like Cody, we've watched New Girl.
We love the show and everything.
And Cody is like the perfect mix of Nick and Schmidt.
It's just uncanny how he is.
And Brian.
Probably a little Brian Pepper in the mix.
He's a little Nick and Schmidt Schmidt and you're a little Brian.
You're his security guard.
Nice.
And he has a name.
So you like option A.
And then what did you think of,
what did you think of the choking option?
The choking is amazing.
And I,
when you said like have someone,
the choking person,
if they had something like a piece of paper in their mouth or something that said you're pregnant or I don't know what we could do with that.
So that was also a little bit more scarier because it's not a public
restaurant. Right. You know, it'd be a grand announcement though.
What you could do. Okay. Is if you like that option,
you could do that as the family reveal.
You could bring the parents to the restaurant. Cody's in on it.
That makes it a little easier to orchestrate if you wanted.
I got to say, I think this sweet box is nice with mom and dad.
All right.
It is pretty nice.
I do like sweet box with parents.
I mean, if you're going mom and dad for grandparents,
this is such a big moment for them.
I got to say, if my daughters one day eventually told me their
grandparents and they did it because some stupid podcast by two dorks on new girl,
and they pretended to choke, I'd be like, you guys are assholes. Let me cry. And let me cry
in my own space with my wife and be excited. I think for the grandparents, you do the sweet box.
But what we need to know from you is do you like landlords? or do you like choking because it's your decision we are
just here to help you i want to pitch a soft amendment to choking it doesn't have to be at
the restaurant it could be like you have a friend over at your place so it takes the public pressure
off of it i gotta say the choking's getting weirder like here's why guys here's why so you have a friend
over you're all hanging out and then they start going like and he goes are you okay he then gives
a heimlich he then spits something out then she says grab that disgusting paper and he goes like
no it was in jerry's mouth robert you're eating paper no no open it
that's why you were choking you had paper and he goes no you open it and then he goes i can't read
it it's all wet and it goes like it says you're gonna be a great dad brother and you're like
you're a fucking weirdo dude here's here's my only concern with the landlord one is like if it was me
my memory of finding out i'm gonna be a father was like several minutes of being really pissed off with several strangers.
And then the reveal of the best moment of my life.
It is what what we do is we take him on an emotional ride.
So it is that is that is the option.
I think the reason why I like that play is because i think that moment will be it is so
memorable you can't have another kid if we do that because we don't know what the hell here
then let me pitch you c let me pitch c okay because kevin brought up an interesting point
and winter you better be thinking of your answer here lady because you're the boss
okay we talk a lot but you are the boss yeah okay so a i'm the boss uh you're the boss you're you're the boss. We talk a lot, but you are the boss. You're the boss. You're the mother here.
Okay. So A is the property managers. B is a guy choking. C is you surprise him on this podcast where you say, it's a, it's a podcast where somebody's got to
tell you something in your life. And he comes out and he goes, who is it? And you go, I don't know,
it could be anybody, but I guess a caller is going to call in. And he's like, what? Then he comes on
and we go, Hey, how you doing? We get some backstory on him. And we go hey how you doing we get some backstory on him and we go like so now we got to
let you know the thing the person might tell you could be good could be bad you know it's like this
is your life type moment there was like an old show back in the day where they would walk you
through your life and then we say okay are you ready to hear it and we go, and you're on speaker. And then you say, I'm pregnant. Oh, that's cute.
That's so cute.
So that's, you're going, if you're going cute, it's that and it's sweet box.
If you're going, let's get a little wild.
It's property manager.
Well, that's, if you want to enter crazy town, Robert's eating paper.
So now winter, we need an answer from you mom
we do we can't keep working we gotta i like the brainstorming though this is great this is
getting energy going but i do really like i think maybe we'll have to go sweet because
okay i can't be too crazy well it had to be epic and sweet is epic okay okay so yeah that'd be
memorable i'd love that are you going c across the board are you going sweet box and you're doing Well, it had to be epic and sweet is epic. Okay. Okay. It has to be memorable.
I'd love that.
Are you going C across the board?
Are you going sweet box and you're doing a this is your life type call?
Oh, yeah.
Sweet box, this is your life type call.
So then what we need to do is we need to schedule with you and Kevin a time that you guys can call in on speaker.
that you guys can call in on speaker?
Well, I'm going to say when we do the reveal,
since we, however we fully make that set up,
we should do a thing where we give a false piece of information at the beginning.
Doesn't need to be crazy,
but a thing that just sort of throws him,
like whatever we come up with,
we'll reveal something to him that he'll be confused by.
So we get a little comedy out of it.
So, you know, cause we're a selfish podcast. Agreed. Uh, alternative title for our show is selfish
podcast. Uh, so what we're going to need, we're here for selfish reasons. So here's what we need
for you, winter. You need to email Kevin some details about Cody. And then I actually think
we do this followup call via zoom and soon and soon, but let's do it via zoom. And then I actually think we do this follow-up call via Zoom. Soon. And soon.
And soon. But let's do it via Zoom. And the reason is, is then we know their sound's going
to be good, Kev. And it would be nice to see them together when she tells them.
And video if we want it, you know.
That's what I mean. We'll Zoom it.
Yeah. Yeah. You can have a memory forever.
Yeah. And then you'll have the footage. What do you think?
Okay. Oh my God. That's amazing. Yep.
All right. So Kevin's going to follow up, and this episode will be in two parts.
So, guys, get ready for a Gil moment.
And also, wait.
That was the end, Gil!
It was great.
But I just want to take a minute just, Winter, if I could.
You're on a very special call because this call is the first time where Jake has sort of recognized Brian, not only by
name from New Girl, but also kind of considered him a regular to some extent. And that just made
me feel good. And now speaking of characters, Gil, hold on. What was that sound? When did,
where are you now on a motorcycle? No, I I'm outside. Maybe. I don't know.
You don't know if you're outside. Hey, winter, we'll talk to you in a second. But in the meantime,
Guild, you can.
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Well, what's the problem?
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Hi.
Hello.
Hold on, I'm not seeing them.
Hey, there they are.
Get it right.
There's the winning twosome.
Welcome.
We want to thank you, Winter and Cody, right? Yes. Yeah, we want to thank you uh winter and cody right yes yes yeah we want to thank you
for joining us um we're here to help um we like to say it's america's number one podcast go ahead
well you definitely like to say it i don't think anybody in america does except for you
and sometimes it's a secret i respect it hey cody what do you know about the podcast, about what this call is about?
I'm just trying to catch up to you right now.
First of all, nice to meet you, and welcome to the show.
This is Jake Johnson from The New Girl.
I'm Gareth Reynolds' new girl, too, just so you know, Cody.
You're probably a little starstruck at both of us.
No, that's Gareth Reynolds, a.k.a. Brian.
My wife told me I was going into a makeup meeting.
Yep. I was so make it off she told me i was going to this mary kane makeup meeting and then you guys pulled up and i was like are these filters what's going on is this true i don't know anything about
the podcast i'm not gonna lie she always has headphones so wait winter told you that this
is a makeup like a tutorial type thing yeah you know what mary kane is they like it's like a yeah
yeah you think they sell makeup and you try to get other people to sell your makeup for you yeah if this is a makeup, like a tutorial type thing. Yeah. You know what Mary Kay is? They like, it's like a, yeah, yeah.
They sell makeup and you try to get other people to sell your makeup for
you.
Yeah.
So we got a regular guy and we made him up to look like Jake Johnson.
Yeah.
And Gareth Reynolds,
which the art,
the makeup artist,
like who it was a little weirder.
Well,
let us get into it.
Let us get into it a little bit.
Cody and winter.
So what our show is,
is it's like a,
uh,
it's like a call in advice show.
But there's a, you know, a goofy element to it, right, where people call in with like silly
problems. Like what are some examples, Garth, that people have called in with?
We had a guy who gave his boss a birthday present to an ostrich farm and the boss never
acknowledged it and he didn't know if he should approach it or
not. We had a guy who wore rainbow glasses to work and it led to everyone thinking he was gay
and that kind of gave him like a personality at work. So he lived a lie for a while. We kind of
work in the like never dire, but always interesting.
And we really want to like we call it.
We're here to help because we always want to help the caller.
So you're probably wondering right now, this is really weird and not a makeup tutorial.
What the hell are you talking about?
Yeah, I was like, what is Winter calling with?
Yes.
So your lovely partner, Winter, did call in.
I didn't hit her.
Winter, do you mind jumping in and just, and then we'll get to the solutions after, but do you mind telling us all why you called in and then maybe we can even have Cody help
kind of pitch on the answer to it?
Oh, so you mean like, tell this person?
Yeah, why don't you-
Well, why did you call?
Yeah.
Why did you call in?
And then we'll kind of go from there.
Okay.
So I did.
I sent an email and I got to hop online because I got a toll.
Sorry.
I told them first before I told you.
Well, the reason she did is because she wanted to figure out how to make it very special
for you.
Yes, I did.
That was why.
Yeah.
So I actually found out that as of probably today i'm seven weeks pregnant holy
fucking shit no way there we go that's what we want that's why we do this it's real i had just
told him today though but yes and i was like no we're fine don't worry about it yeah i asked her
that this morning you're kidding me you're absolutely kidding me there you go hey come here
thank you buddy hey you're gonna be a dad man you're gonna be a dad you did it man
can you believe it i can't i didn't think it was possible oh my gosh how you feeling buddy
my heart is pounding out of my chest right now. It's amazing. This is big news.
That is amazing.
I had a stupid makeup meeting.
I know.
It's just a little better, right?
Oh, my God.
We also want to talk to you about how to do some just base foundational stuff when it comes to makeup, too.
Cody, she called in because she adores you.
She's really happy
and she wanted this to be extra special for you
and she didn't know how to do it.
So she thought maybe this could be a fun way
to let you know that you're going to be a father
and we at the show couldn't be more excited
for both you guys.
Thank you so much.
This still feels like a dream.
Yes.
We're not a prank show.
This is real.
No, yeah, this is real.
Oh my God.
But we do want to pitch names at some point.
Whenever you kind of land back down to earth,
we would love to pitch a couple names.
So in closing,
we're going to let you guys be together for this,
but any final,
we mostly end our podcast by saying, these are our suggestions. Now, what are you going to let you guys be together for this, but any final, we mostly end our podcast by saying
these are our suggestions. Now, what are you going to do? So where are you guys at mom and dad? How
are you guys feeling? Cody, you just found out you're going to be a dad. You guys are going to
have, you guys are going to do this thing. Where are you at? I think I need a minute.
He did say, first and foremost, we were talking about it like two days ago,
maybe with this long.
And I was like,
in the back,
I was like,
no,
no one knows.
But she asked him what first name ever going to name it.
He goes,
Megatron.
That's our topic.
No presentation.
That's what it is.
So you're not going to be Megatron.
Maybe a middle name.
Oh my God.
That'd be a great middle name.
We're pitching the middle name is Megatron.
Yeah, I'll think about it.
Come on, Winter.
Also, this just dawned on me, and I don't know if she told you this,
but our cat's name is Winston.
Wow.
Oh, my, yeah.
Hey, guys, we're going to let you guys go and celebrate this together.
We couldn't be happier for you two. You guys are such lovely people. Congratulations. Hey, guys, we're going to let you guys go and celebrate this together. We couldn't be happier for you, too. You guys.
Congratulations. Lovely. Thank you.
And Cody, it's a it's a great podcast.
You should start listening to you guys.
It might be a fun list and it might help when your baby's born and you're up all night because you will be my man.
You will. I've heard. Yeah. I've heard.
It's the best.
Congratulations for real.
Thank you guys so much.
Thank you, Winter.
Yes, thank you.
Love you guys.
Bye.
We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson
and Gareth Reynolds.
The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt
and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKean.
Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio, and our video editor is John DeBruin.
The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh, and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com.
That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com.
The album artwork is by James Fosdyke.
You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E.
And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com.
And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.
All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only,
and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.