We're Here to Help - 59: Spraying Mess

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about taking back the common room and breaking ice to break wind.Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] the video episodes of the podcast at Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodCheck out our We’re Here to Help sweatshirts, hats, and tote bags at heretohelppod.com!If you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Follow the show on Instagram @HereToHelpPod and TikTok also at @HereToHelpPodAdvertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. You're all red. I'm trying to be cute. All right, action. Hey action hey everybody welcome back to the show i just said to gareth whatever you're up to you're not sly and i just said jake i'm not no no you said i'm not trying to be sly i'm trying to be cute we've got another great episode today yeah and. And it's another. Client solo. Just J&G. I like it. I do too. We love the guests. We love having people over, but let's be honest.

We're also a domesticated married couple, and it's nice to just have some QT with each other. Agreed. And it's, you know what also it is, because we're both big talkers. Yeah. It's nice to have just more time because you know what i really love about this show after now doing around 60 of them yeah more because we have about 30 that we haven't released doing about a hundred of these so far which is shocking crazy is did you think when i no it's you this idea that you'd ever say we have a hundred coming no yeah i didn't

think i was gonna do it i didn't think i was gonna like it after 10 yeah uh i'm doing these i'm viewing these as a six month lease yeah i'm leasing to buy yep but it's still really fun and i think the game that's still really fun apart from honestly really enjoying spending time with you oh jake uh getting to know the kev man yeah uh is the callers are really fun so having the guesses guests are really fun because you get to said like the jillian bell come on the guests are really fun because you get to have like the Jillian Bell come on and all these different people you get reminded how funny they are. Darcy Carton, all these people come in.

But the real fun for me is humans are reminding me are so weird. So weird. And when they're real about their problem, it is so funny. I think for us too, it's like the amount of things that we're like can't believe you know it's like you can't believe you're still like what is going on and when they like the cat earwax one shocking like that to me it was like this will never end

yes but also and you we say this off air but we're always shocked that every once in a while mostly you will have an idea that you'll look at me as you're pitching and it'll be the this is the bad idea then when they take the bad idea and it works for them oh that's the craziest it's when we're both going yeah not this one and they're like i think i'm gonna kick the door down i think i like fire for fire i think i like fire for fire okay yeah and i will say it is getting it's good to know kevin as well does he follow you on Instagram? I don't think so. Yeah, he does. Don't follow a lot of people on the ground.

Hold on, hold on. Kevin, do you follow me on Instagram? I don't follow either of you or the show. You don't? What is it? What's going on with you, buddy? I'm a low follower. Well, but we all want to keep the countdown.

Now, is it the optics of who you're following, or you just have no interest in the lives of people? No, I just try to... It helps me stay off the Instagrams as much. Hey, I just followed my sisters this year. Big year for them. I follow your sisters. You son of a bitch.

Well, I follow you, Kevin, and Jake follows you, too. Thanks, guys. We love being in your world, buddy. We'd love to have you in ours whenever you're ready. We'll see. Okay. Kevin, when are you getting married? In a month.

Wow. Jake, are you going? I haven't been invited. Jeez, that's going to be awkward when it's just us. It's a big table, huh? Did you get the invite? Yeah.

I'm speaking at the thing, bro. You fucking snake. No, he didn't invite me. Garis DJing. Yeah, I'm DJing. I'm catering. If you went back to your waiting days. You know what? You used to cater, right?

No, not waiting. You would have been a great caterer, brother. Oh, yeah. I would have murdered it. What if Gareth and I catered it together? Come on. Kevin's doing the laugh where he tries to think of how to answer. You know what? Let's stop wasting people's time. Let's get to the goddamn callers.

Without further ado! Hello? All right, here we go. And we are rolling. How are you? Good, thank you. Sorry about that. That's okay.

We're definitely going to blame you for whatever technical issues. We know it wasn't you, my guy. It is. We're going to put it on you. We're in a new studio. Yeah, we're in studio uh it's gary is in a new vest listen it's the old vest uh what is your name first of all welcome to uh we're here to help america's number one podcast what is your name uh age roughly where you're calling from and then we'll get into it sure thing my name's connor i'm 24 and i I am in Florida right now. 24 in Florida. Southwest Florida, Northport.

Beautiful. Can you imagine being 24 again, Jake? Yeah, I feel it. Okay. My vibe is 24. Never. Your vibe is mannequin in a Ross dress for less. All right, Connor.

What, unfortunately, Jake. You look like an action figure. Jake is murdering me over what would just be considered a lovely outfit. I look good. Someone has to step up the fashion on the show. Do I have to raise my hand and talk? Look at you. What year are those new balances from?

Be honest. How many characters have you played that wore those shoes? Seven. Can I raise my hand? Yes, Jake Johnson. We're here to help press. Connor, he just started dressing up for the cameras because we're on YouTube. I've always been.

Connor, I always. Jake. Connor, don't listen to Jake. This is what Jake does. What has happened? A lot of words, Connor. I've always. I've always.

A lot of talk. Cheeks are getting red. I've always. Heard in the outfit. I've always. Because you have earthy tones. I've always. I've always been a fashion icon.

And I'm just continuing that so connor what is the problem i have the problem uh go ahead connor what's your problem your problem is is your face is too red for your earthy outfit connor go ahead whenever you're ready what can we do to help you buddy okay so my problem is i recently got an internship down here in florida great okay so i needed to find some quick housing and I found a nice cheap one. It was Airbnb, but it's one of those ones where you share it with other renters. So like I have a room, but we share a common area. So you're just rent, you're renting a room. Like a dorm almost. I'm renting a room on Airbnb.

Sure. I didn't realize Airbnb did that. They're doing everything. I don't know. They're fancy these days. So rather than going through, okay. So you're renting a room through Airbnb. You got an internship. You're in a room.'t know they're fancy these days but so rather than going through okay so you're renting a room through airbnb you got an internship you're in a room okay you're back so my roommates they're very nice people they are senior citizens they each have their different ways of life that's incredible they're senior citizens this is great wait quick question about your group uh how many people how old what are the what's the range and i'm gonna tell you why because i'm gonna steal it i'm gonna sell it i swear to god in my head in my head in my head i was like keep this in the back pocket so eventually connor we might use this and guess what you'll get

a chunk of change too baby boy i wouldn't go that's all I'm asking for. I wouldn't go as far as chunk. Lawyer, please define chunk. A shred. Yeah. Eighth dollars is a chunk. A morsel. So, Connor, what are your roommate situations? One, I'll give you. They're Roger and Cindy.

They're both in their 60s. I love this. Are they a couple? Yeah. They're both in their 60s. Are they together? No, they're not together. Okay.

Oh, all individuals. You got Roger. You got Cindy. We have each individual room. Respect. Yeah. They're both in there. Are they together? No, they're not. Okay. Oh, all individuals. You got Rod. You got Cindy. We have each individual room. Respect. Okay. Okay. So anyway, in our room there.

Oh, it's the three of you. You got Roger. You got Cindy. You got Connor. I can't. I'm very excited for the problem. Yeah. Because my mind is.

But by the way, if there's no problem, this is just a setup. I'm into talking about it. I see. We're here to help just discuss before the next call. What's going on with Roger and Cindy? This is our side podcast. We're here to gossip. Yeah.

Oh, my God. We're here to gab about Roger and Cindy. Yeah. Hey, really quick, Connor. Is there any vibage between Roger and Cindy? Come on. I'm going to tell you what. Cindy stays to herself.

Okay. She keeps to herself. I've seen her twice in my time I've been here. What is Cindy's kind of story? What does she do for work, do you know? Cindy, she's visiting some family down here. Respect. And she's from the Midwest, so she has a Midwest accent.

Love Cindy. But she just usually keeps to herself, and she stays in her room for a much longer time. And I got a feeling Roger's the dog. He's barking in everyone's business. Is that true, Connor? What's Roger doing? So Roger, yeah, he is the chatterbox of the house here. Yeah, he's the dog.

He is. He's very talkative. He likes to be out and about. So Roger is basically me and Gareth. Yeah. Won't shut up. Yeah, just always down for a fat chew, hanging out at the kitchen island.

I'll tell you what this show needs, Connor, is a fucking Cindy. Narrating everything. Oh, more eggs, huh? Oh, another vest? Another vest? Okay, we're really getting vest heavy on this. Kevin, we're going to have to do a vest pass in editing.

I agree. Take it off. Come on. You can't do that in AI. Listen to Jake. Wanting less layers. Classic. Classic Roger.

So you've got Roger talks all the time cindy's quiet connor what's your vibe in the house my vibe is i come in and roger's there so this is where the problem is roger he has started to secretly claim the common area for a nightmare he has completely taken it over whether that's him yeah like doing laundry out there in the common room where it's not near his room he might be watching tiktok's full volume taking phone calls on speaker while we're out there roger is acting like it's his home and he's the dad. Oh, absolutely. So dad doesn't wear a shirt in his goddamn living room. No.

I get this. Okay. So in the common room, we have the laundry. Do we have a TV? No, no. Not the laundry. His laundry. He's just holding it. There is not a TV in this common room.

So he's blasting his phone. Yeah, he's blasting his phone. Kitchen is in the common area, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, the common area. We got the kitchen, all that stuff. Yeah. He's right there. is in the common area, obviously. Yeah. Yeah, the common area. We got the kitchen, all that stuff. Yeah. He's right there.

He's claimed the couch for himself. So this is good stuff. So Roger's pissed on that area if he's the dog. Okay. So Roger's in the center. Your vibe, which I like how you describe yourself, is you're just coming home and Roger's claiming the center. Hey, that was work. Yeah.

Is that similar to what's happening? I bought some hummus and carrots if you want to have any of those with me, Connor. It's funny you guys said he's the dog because he's got this little 14-year-old dog as well that loves to just yap around. I'm pretty sure that dog's leaked a little bit here and there in the house.

I think Roger has, too. What's the dog's name? The dog's name is Millie. It's one of those tiny white ones. I got to say, one second, one second. I added a dog named Millie. I got a little connection. You've broken through Jake.

You probably met Millie because it was in the Rowena apartment. Oh, yeah. That little beagle. Yep. Look at us. Okay, so keep going, Connor. Walk us through. So, wonderful setup.

I'm liking everything about this. I wish there were little cameras hidden around your apartment so i could just watch we could this would be my favorite show yeah this would be my favorite show so what's the problem i'm trying to win the common room back because roger he is being a chatterbox i'll go in there and he's in the common room whenever i arrive whenever i leave he's always there so I've tried to wait him out before. You can't wait out an old-time guy. Yeah.

There's one thing you're not going to beat, a 60-year-old man, Connor. He stays up. Connor, I'm going to tell you this as a 45-year-old man, and you're a 24-year-old, you get more stubborn every five years. And more desperate for interaction. A lot of this is probably coming from Roger really wanting to hang out with you. Interesting.

I wouldn't see that. Do you, do you, do you feel like he's like pining for your friendship a little bit, Connor, or is he just a lunatic hanging out? He's just claiming space. You don't know.

I felt you guys might say this, you know, as, cause I do, I have felt that, you know, at times he can be looking for, we're just chatting Cindy.

She keeps to herself. So he doesn't have a cindy to talk to right and so it's him and i but he's also started doing this pet peeve lately and this is mostly why i had to call in because i needed to change something and that is whenever we're in talk and conversing he'll start pointing and what i mean by that is he points and then he asks you a question about what he just said. So whether he's in the middle of a conversation, this is what I know who showed up.

And then he points at me asking me to guess who showed up. Yeah. So this is more, I don't know who showed up. Yeah. He's kind of mad. He wants you to mad lib with him basically. Yeah.

You fill in the specific with a point. But he also wants to make sure that you're listening, that you're staying focused, that you're paying attention to him. And I'm going to tell you why. Because it's his space. So what happens to men, in my opinion, and possibly women, but I will just say men for sure, is as we get older, everything becomes World War I.

And that is, there's a line in the sand and you go i'd rather die of 10 infections than move one inch backwards yeah right i'd rather rats eat me out from every hole in my body then give you motherfuckers one inch and that's what's happening right he said he and cindy are fine and he goes who the fuck is this brat and this brat's coming in my space i'm gonna tell you a story connor hey connor what's my name right now pointing at you my name is jake you gotta say it faster you see what he just did what i just did there i rogered you i took control i dominated you yeah so he's dominating you connor connor i got my first pitch am i too early to pitch do you have more info no that's basically the whole gist of it yeah so you

want to stop he wants to take over the space you want to take the space back and and roger has the the pointing oddity okay go ahead so i got my he has a stronghold yeah yeah well he's winning it's world war one and right now he's got the territory you want. So my pitch is going to be called, you got to Roger, Roger. Okay. Okay. So you've got to Roger, Roger. What I mean by that is you're in the space earlier than him.

You're telling stories pointing at him. You do an impression of Roger to Roger. Where he likes to be on the couch you get there first you're doing your laundry so roger has to deal with roger so guess what you can't win in a war if they're fighting exactly the same as you and that might make him go like holy fire with fire roger with roger with roger i i like that a lot i think that's i i definitely my fear yes would be that roger is going to re i mean like it you what yes and that you will find now that you're like jesus christ roger has like sucked you into yes his world guess what connor might like it you might

let me ask you this connor what uh what do you have like do you like your room? Because I got to be honest, I definitely like Cindy's approach. Cindy's picked up on Roger. Cindy's like, Roger's out of his mind. I want no part in this. I'm going to make my room the common space for me, and I'm going to just sit in here. Yes, because Cindy's normal. You know who Connor is?

Roger Jr. Yeah, Jesus Christ. And I say that with love. I say that with love, Connor. That's a diagnosis more than a point. Connor, I say that with love because guess what? I'm Roger Jr. Yeah, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. And I say that with love. I say that with love, Connor. That's a diagnosis more than a point. Connor, I say that with love because guess what? I'm Roger Jr. You have Roger Jr.

And we all become Roger. And so is Garrett. You ever go to the gym? Remember when you go to the gym, there's always an old guy who's hanging out there, and he wants to talk. Or on the plane, sometimes there's a guy who is, or at the bar, there's always a guy who's there and you like you're not trying to have a conversation but you like look into eye contact and you're like jesus

that guy's looking at me and he's like i was from michigan well i think our rogers are different gareth okay i think your roger is looking for human connection and i think my roger is drawing arbitrary lines in the sand and defending them. Connor, what is your gut? Do you feel like it's more like the Jake thing where he's kind of just trying to... Dominate a space? Yes, he's trying to be the alpha. Or is he looking for human connection?

Or is there a little sadness under this? Yeah, where are we at? And then we can go forward. At first, I felt for that, I thought it was a little bit of sadness. But now I firmly believe it is about marking territory and that he is trying to wait me. So I'm going to just make a claim on this call. This is now more to my friend, Gareth.

You're projected, my king. There is a sadness. Let's step away from it. Title. But title for a different call. That's when you call in. But this is great. But this is not this call. That's when you call in. But this is great. But this is not this call.

Okay. Let me ask you this. Does he drink? Good question. No. Do you drink? Yes. 24 year old in Southwest Florida.

When you say, I mean, like, you mean like, like Jaeger or like 100 million beers? Like, I don't like drink right now. Do you like to party? Yes. Not you. Do you, to party? Yes. Not you. Do you, Connor? Yes,

he does. I would start. Listen, I mean like party, like right now, I think there's cocaine right now. I'll do a bump. I think there is some leverage here to maybe if you make the common space a little bit.

Also, do you have friends out there? They, no, they're all coming down eventually, but not yet. Okay, I would start adding a little bit of party to the mix in the common room. But we also don't want to fuck up Cindy. But Cindy's, listen.

No, but Cindy matters. She's collateral to me. Okay. You got to shoot the hostage. Sorry, Cindy. You're in the bedroom. You're hanging out like a weird cat. You got your litter box in there.

Yeah. I have a feeling she's pissing in jars. I think Cindy's okay. You're projecting projecting i've pissed in a lot of jars i think maybe you bring a bottle of 151 out there one night and you start bringing the hammer down a little bit i feel like that's gonna maybe that might counteract or throw some sand on the roger energy okay so the another thing you could do here connor is smoke them. And I don't mean with actual smoke. It's just the idea of making the common space less comfortable. So you figure out what Roger likes about that common space and you take it away. So one of the things, if he likes sitting there listening to his TikTok,

well, you're in the kitchen listening to your phone even louder. So if I go to a restaurant by myself which i like to do and some fucking asshole has their phone without headphones yeah and they're watching they're insane i hate it insane but what i now do and i'll tell you a real story that just happened the other day i was with eric edelstein okay we were walking down by the arroyo having a pleasant time quiet nice kind of rainy day. Just loving it. Some fucking asshole on the hike behind us has his music playing on a speaker. So I hear this guy from 300 feet behind me. So Eric goes, brother, let's be mature.

Well, I chose not to. I chose to smoke him out. And you know what I did? I turned my phone volume as loud as it can get. So when he was near us, we were in a world of chaos. And what I was saying is like, hey, asshole, we can all ruin a common space. They're really in this society we have. The auditory privacy is absolutely insane. Headphones are the best.

We all have them. Absolutely. I like that a lot. What I would do is there's a version of you smoke him out so one is you know roger to roger and you imitate him smoke him out means you're in there while he's in there if he's talking to you you're playing music you're playing whatever you want to listen to you're on the phone with a friend talking at full volume oh face timing with someone full volume is good. Yes. Full engagement in another world. You could feign obliviousness very well.

And so and then you've got the shoot the hostage. And that is turn the center into a party. When you're hearing these ideas of the idea of party. I've got two more. Go. OK, what about working out? Do you work out? Yeah.

Now you do it in the common room. I remember you used to do this. The P90. Yes, I used to do the P90X. And let me tell you, nothing alienates others. Yeah. Neighbors, there can be walls. If you do that in the common area, that's going to make him feel very, very strange.

But then I also have the Hail Mary. And this is where I'm talking about some ally forces okay i think you go to cindy and you let cindy know that roger has moved his troops way too far into this area and you are worried about annexation i'm getting too deep into it and now you and cindy want to have dinner in the common space. Try to make Roger feel like the third wheel a little bit and see if that'll put the gopher back in the hole. Okay. That's interesting.

So you go to Cindy and you go, look, I understand you like your privacy. I like my privacy. I feel like Roger's gotten way too comfortable. I think for a little bit, if you and I can do a couple things out there, I'll buy us some noodles. We sit out there.

We hang out. We have a gab. I think that'll make roger feel like the third wheel and maybe he'll go home so obviously that has a big win big danger zone i can see it from cindy's point of view you might have to start sleeping with cindy but i think for me that's worth it it's a different show it doesn't go to nbc but we could still sell it yeah of course so connor you got roger to roger where you essentially do an impression of Roger to Roger nonstop.

When he's doing laundry, you're doing laundry. When he's telling a story, you're telling a story. When he's watching TikTok, you're watching TikTok to the point of he goes like, this fucking kid's driving me nuts. Yes. And he's driving me so nuts. The only way to get away from him is go to my room. Yeah.

The other one is smoke them out with noises facetiming music uh you're in his space while he is third shoot the hostage you literally bring a bottle of booze party your fucking ass off you're going through a dark time and he's gotta feel that and bad news at work and guess what get a decanter yep c Cindy's going to pay the price too for that one. Yep. But you are now exploding the dynamic of the apartment to get him and Cindy out and start over. Four is the workout. You just start doing your sweaty, gross workouts in the common space. Be the grunty guy.

Be the grunty guy. Ah! Yes. Two more, Connor! Yes. And you're in shorts and t-shirts and you're laying on a yoga mat on the floor and he hates it yep five is connect with cindy and turn him into the third wheel connor back to you our 24 year old fred who is still wet behind the ears starting life what are you

gonna do young man? You gave me a lot of good options there, fellas. I'm not going to lie to you. Why do I feel like he's a judge? You both present pretty good arguments. I'm leaning towards smoke them out. I feel that sets a tone. It gives you a little bit of fire for fire.

And I'm not putting Cindy in the middle of harm's way right i respect this i do too yeah so you're going for an old smoke them out but you're being sensitive to cindy as you smoke them out if she's not in the house things get weird if she is you walk away i think that's right if it escalates i think i go with the hail mary option and i try to team up with Cindy. Interesting. Dinner. You want to get to know her, but I think that's right. So you're starting, smoke them out, and if it goes sideways,

you're having a great talk with Cindy and saying, the reason I'm doing this is because of this. Do you want to team up? And if she says no, you leave. Yep. Yeah. And then you cut ties. Airbnb has a lot of different places.

Yes. I can see. Cindy has dropped little hints here and there in the two times I've seen her. That Roger is not her type of guy. Oh, this is good. You got that play if you need it, for sure. That's good to know. Hold on to that.

Because in World War I, the way to win is you got to get more countries as allies. Yes. Yes. But if the first thing you do is you run right for that line you try to knock them on their goddamn ass and get them fucking backtrack and move the line into their territory i think that's i think it's good i think both i think they work in conjunction well too you know i do too and connor when you say you like to party what's a party for you what are you drinking walk us through a little bit of that evening really fast before we get out of here? No, it's a lame type of party, I'll tell you that.

Well, let's hear what it is. What does that mean? What's that? It's just like go out on a weekend, have a few, one, two, three, something like that. Just a few beers. And what kind of beers are we drinking? One, two, three, a couple of shots, one, two, three. Shots every day?

Yeah, they're not. Whatever, probably like Coronas. Maybe a shot or two or no? One, two'm not. Whatever, probably like Corona's. Corona's. Maybe a shot or two or no? One, two, three,

tequila? Ah, not as many shots. You make eye contact with a guy across the bar who's got a stuffed parrot on his shoulder and he holds one nostril

shut and gives you a wink. Do you meet him in the bathroom or one, two, three, or no? One,

two, three, no, I don't think. You see a guy at the bar, he's wearing a vest, he looks like he's a mannequin from Ross Dress for Less.

Thanks for the call, Connor. Do you walk up or do you run? Yeah, hug him. Bye, Connor. Bye, Connor. Bye, guys. Thank you. Bye.

Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science-backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over.

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doors open oh you meant gill yeah i meant kevin what kevin was gonna do it no i thought we were talking about the closer. We were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. Oh, we can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's?

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Oh, you are? But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back, it's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounded like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hips. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the...

I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this. Well, you're mid 40s. Yeah. What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on ZocDoc. But but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you. Treat basically.

And again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake. If you're lucky. That's right. Gil Buchanan, ones and two. 68 balmy. Don't worry about it. That's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You literally never left.

Go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that cost you? Free. Free! That's right. And then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. Hello? Hello. Caller, are you there?

Yes, I am. Well, God bless you. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You're on with Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds, and we're excited to help. Can we get your name, your age, where you're calling from, and then we'll get into solving this crisis. Absolutely. My name is Jamie. I'm 37, and I'm calling from Phoenix. Nice. I just was in Phoenix. I'm 37, and I'm calling from Phoenix. Nice. You know, I just was in Phoenix. I'm a big Arizona guy.

I'm not, but congratulations to you guys on liking it. Grand Canyon. Well done, Jake. It's like hanging out with a map. It's embarrassing because I was bragging. Jamie, go ahead. So my issue is I recently moved in with my boyfriend. Okay.

And everything's going great. Sure. Except for one thing. Uh-oh. He never farts. Oh, he's a never farter. He's a never farter. And in turn.

I got something to reveal to you about science. He does. Yeah. Just doesn't do it in front of you. You know, I'll get into this after. Okay.'s and okay keep going but where are you at jamie because of that i never fart i'm you know trying to be polite and be like well if he doesn't do it i shouldn't do it and now that we're living together it's like oh can we just start farting around each other so yeah you want the fart start?

Yeah, I need your help. How do I break the ice so I can break wind? Oh, this is interesting. This is a good one. Yeah, so it's less of our opinion of what is right and wrong, Garf, because we are on Jamie's side. So what Jamie, what you want. But we're allowed to express our personal opinions a little bit. Yeah.

So, Jamie, you want to start opening up the world of farting in front of your boyfriend. Yeah. Like, I don't need to be a 20-year-old frat boy, but just casually let it. That's what I was going to ask. Are you a gassy individual? No. I wouldn't think so. What's his boyfriend's name, just so we can put a name to the face?

This anti-farter um it's judge judge is his name perfect yep if that's a real name this is perfect of course he's yeah of course he's of course he's like got an opinion about parts he's a judge and so yeah you want to know how to be able to fart in front of judge so that you can break the dam and this could not be a thing where your old frat buddies on the couch, but if you got to cut it, you're not doing the pull my finger stuff. Yeah.

And what are you doing now? If you have to fart, you just go in the other room. I'll tell you, I, I, let me answer that question for you, Jamie,

you are sitting there, uh, with, in pain and, uh, the pain is starting to get worse. And, uh,

as you're sitting there, you're going, Oh God, why won't judge just fart? And you're just sitting there, there you're holding it in and every now and then you give a little test fart and you let out a little to see is it okay and you're like oh it's not okay and then you're going to the bathroom you're sitting down on the toilet and you're farting there is this accurate jamie that's you got it is this what you're going through currently in your life, Garrett? No, no.

That was wildly detailed. I am a scientist. So I'm just doing the science part. Steve Berg, a friend of the show, used to refer to this as Shacker's Gas, which is even better with a list because it's Shacker's Gas, where he would be, when he met his wife, he would go to his wife's house and he would be hanging out there. And Steve is a frat boy. So he would be sitting there and he would be holding in this gas and he would get to his car.

And then he talked about the big reveal when he'd sit in his car just let it rip for 15 minutes there's a great commercial from i think the 90s or 2000s where somebody finishes a date says goodbye megan malali is in this and then blows a huge fart and like the other couples in the back seat oh oh i thought of this i was thinking of a different one. So, Jamie, question for you. How's the romance between you and Judge? You guys got a nice thing cooking? It is. How long have you been together? Six years.

Oh, wow. And so you guys are living, when did you start living together? Just recently, in the last two months. Okay, and in the last two months of living together, has the sex life gotten better worse the same the same okay have you have you ever farted in front of him yeah little little he's hurt here and there yeah jimmy jimmy let me ask you a question here honey this is a colombo voice just so you know mixed with my dad it's crock it's column crock i'm not great at voices that

aren't my dad uh here's my question for you why do you want this want what crocco you got a wonderful thing more comfortable but come it's but also what's comfortable is you guys have this nice dynamic it's working jake you remind me all the time we're on her side we've got to solve her problem but as her friend in the bar i'm saying here's because let me pitch you a road jamie let me can i pitch you a road sure might be wrong but i'm just pitching okay you're sitting with him what show do you like to watch what's the show you guys are into right now whatever it is turn it up real loud uh young sheldon me too i'm fucking watching it wallace sean having a nervous breakdown what a turn i'm watching it my kids like it uh so you're watching young sheldon on netflix it's doing huge

numbers huge it's making suits look like a fucking dog shit show on tvs so you're watching young sheldon the family's being funny you're getting some laughs you're feeling a little gassy judge has his arm loosely around you you're wearing kind of like a sweat outfit the vibe is good there's a 30 chance this night's going to end with some romance you ate maybe a little fettuccine alfredo and something's not feeling perfect but not terrible you're not gonna like yeah you know you're not gonna ruin the night but you're like oh's a little pain. So what you could do is walk to the other room and get rid of that disgusting gas. Or what you're saying is in the middle of young Sheldon saying something about science and space, you want to lift up your leg in front of Judge and just go,

She's not lifting the leg up. Let's be fair. If it's big enough. So you go, I don't think it's on there. A gnarly smell hits the air judge goes that's disgusting it makes me want to barf and you go in 45 minutes you want to see where that came from yeah less so less so here's here's the problem with what jake's saying is it's not wrong no it it it's a and i think i i think like again each couple comes to their terms and agreements in some way. But, yeah.

But, Garf, the idea of romance is to trick one another with this endorphin rush that we are not animals. But also that you're talking about a relation. They're living together. So we're on the path to. Is it sustainable for her to always go in and like to have a fart closet? Is it sustainable to always have an other area where you guys, and look, if it sneaks out,

it sneaks out. Or is this for you? Is this a deal breaker? Not a deal breaker, but it would just be nice not to have to worry about it. Okay. So here's where we're at. We're going to get you.

How do you do it? Garth, what's your way of how she can fart in front of judge to break the ice and make this not taboo? Okay. I got it. I honestly think you might just want to do a conversation with him and just say, I've never heard you fart.

Do you fart? Yeah. Ask him that. See what he says. Cause then you're going to kind of get his philosophy behind this. How does he feel about it? I think that's better than let's throw him into the deep end of this. I'm going to pitch that next.

Okay, I love, I'm very excited for Jake's pitch. But I think that maybe you can get behind it a little bit. Because, yeah, I don't disagree with what Jake's saying. It's kind of like this, you come to these, like some couples, there's this whole thing online now, have you seen this? This fucking, I'm like, what the fuck is going on? Called Guess My Fart? No. Okay. I hate all this.

It's horrible. It's where people will guess what a fart will sound like, and then they fart, and then you see if it's like that. It's horrible. So, cut that. I knew he was going to say cut that. Because all of a sudden, I haven't eaten anything today, I felt like I was going to barf. No, you just let it out.

No. Oh, okay. The perfect example. You know, if somebody has got to barf, should I just have a bucket in front of my loved one? It is a good point. Agreed. That the line, where is the line? You're not going to crap in the living room.

Or you go like, she's in the shower, and you go like, I'm having explosive diarrhea. Leave it open. Why? Because tonight we're getting a, and you go like, I'm having explosive diarrhea. Leave it open. Why? Because tonight we're getting a hotel room, but right now I'm spraying mess. Let me ask you this. Gross. In private. Title.

Let me ask you this. Please. As far as going number two, do you find that less gross than farting? See, to me, I find that weird. I'm like, okay, go do that. We've got a room for it. Yeah, but no, I mean, what if you were like, okay, I'm like, go do that. We've got a room for it. Yeah, but no, I mean, but what if you were in the room? I would not allow it.

Oh, great. So you wouldn't be like brushing your teeth after sex and she's like, hey, and you're like, and she's like, we got to take a dump. And you go like this, girl, just do it. Because it's gross. Yes. So, but you're okay to go like, we're watching Young Sheldon having laughs and she goes, you like, you didn't want to see the meal.

How's an appetizer? Because I'll tell you what you're smelling is what's about to be in the toilet. Yeah. I think because there's a room. That's why I'm like, all right, go in there. We got a room. So if you're rich enough, build a fart room. Well, listen, you got that new girl money.

You got a fart room? We didn't do great with residuals. I love the idea with the construction guy. We got, obviously, this is the closet where you want to have all your suits. This is the fart room. No, he would go like this. Okay, so you're talking about something off the living room that's four by four? Four by four, yeah.

My wife and I are looking to have a room. And you want a skylight at the top, but you can press a button and it opens to the air? Yeah, just a way to kind of get new air circulating in here as easily as possible. What are you going to put in here, a little stove? No, but there will be heat. It's not like that. So here is the other pitch. You can have a conversation.

I think that works. The other move is this. You tell him one night you want to do something where you do a living room camping. You set up a tiny two-person tent, and you say, I read some article that's really cute about couples when they live together. They should stay in a tent all night, and the only time they leave is a bathroom emergency but the other one has to go

with them as if they're in a danger zone all the lights are off no electricity no technology and he goes like all right you go but it'll be a lot of fun we can like have alcohol in there or weed whatever you guys do and he's like fun and what you cook is things that create gas. So what you're doing and you're not eating it, but you're putting his body into a pressure situation. So he goes, you know, honey, I got to get out. And you go, why judge? And he goes, I just need to take a walk. And you go, what's going on?

And make him say, I have a stomachache. I have to fart and go, I would like you to do it in front of me so that he's the first with just disgusting, sick farts. And you go, I would like you to do it in front of me so that he's the first with just disgusting, sick farts. And you go, I'm good with this. Let's not make it a regular thing. But if one of us has to, it's never going to be as bad as this. I like parts of this. So that's an option. We've got that. Here's what I would maybe do. I like the idea of teeing him up to have bad gas. So we just kind of get our cards out on the table so i think yeah you cook a lentils you have a lentils and chili night whatever you

want to do and maybe you watch what you're eating there's also you can take like an anti-gas pill or something like that you take that and so you're just leaving him with gas this motherfucker pop then you're watching a little young sheldon you got your head on his stomach and as your head's on his stomach you definitely move it around a little if you're in the tummy bubbles you you just tee him up so that he has to either fart or get off the pot yes hey jamie is this are we anywhere near something you would consider yeah i would i would consider that i could i could cook something that makes him explode and maybe take a gas thing before and

then when you're watching tv and he goes in the other room you need to do something really weird and you need to follow him and then if he goes to the bathroom start a conversation and have him go just give me a second hun and you go no go, no, I'll just stand out here. And when he sits down, he goes, just give me a little space. And you go, well,

I just want to keep telling you about the young Sheldon. Cause they're thinking of moving to Oklahoma for the dad's job of getting, becoming a football coach. But, and he goes, I just need a second. Keep talking until he finally goes like, and then you go,

whoa, judge, sorry about those lentils. And he goes, I don't like this, Jamie. And you go, whoa, judge, sorry about those lentils. And he goes, I don't like this, Jamie. And you go, oh, my God. You're cutting out what I said earlier, but this is staying. Admit it.

There's two sets of rules. It's unfair to you. I like one more pitch. One more pitch is to look. Judge is a human. He's going number two. We know that. Yeah.

Some point when you feel like he's gone number two walk in there and just give a smell comment see if that kind of gives a little like loosens up what his hold ask him like if he comes back in the living room say like light a match because it's following you out yeah oh yeah just say after he's gone for a while say i gotta go pee and then go in there and come out and be like i I had to hold my breath for a while. That's not bad. Cause then you could say like, what did you eat killer? And give them the idea that I know these smells are within you that are disgusting. So here's where we're at. We got three pitches for you, Jamie. Straight up conversation starter, which is just, you're talking about it and saying,

where are you at with the idea of farting in front of each other? Two, cook him foods that are going to make him pop and you cheat and do a pill before and then don't let him out of your sight and if he says i'm taking a run put your fucking newbies on and run with him he is not escaping until he pops and when on your infrareds yeah and then you do love one of those like whoa that was a big one three after he goes to the bathroom, do an exaggerated, yeah, open a window. On the night where you poison him with the lentils, I also would pitch, maybe we do a sit-up contest at some point before Young Sheldon. So where are you at with this

advice? Is any of this real to you? Would you actually do it? Let's get back to planet Earth. Yeah, I, you know, I like number two. I, I want to, I want to make sure he's human. Okay. So then,

uh, we would love, um, to get updates the night. If you don't mind, uh, we can get you in touch with Caitlin. Can we send Caitlin to over to your house to sort of monitor the situation?

But what we're going to do on this one, if you don't mind the night that you do it, could you reach out to the show a little bit and tell us what you're cooking? Yes. And give us a live up-to-date of how it's going. Yes. So that we can be part of this because this is almost like the birth of a new relationship. Yes.

And so like on the New Year's Eve when the ball drops, it's a big moment. Yes. When Judge's ball drops. Interesting. It's a new year. Yes. Yep. I think it's right.

It's a rebirth in the sense that we're fitting something out of a canal that wasn't looking to come out. Well, it was looking to come out, just not in front of her. Correct. So, Jamie,

you're going to actually do this? Yeah, I'm going to do it. Jamie, good luck to you and the Judge. Thank you. Heart goes out to Judge. He's going to have a rough night. Yeah. And a nice relief. Yep, that's right and the judge. Thank you. Heart goes out to the judge. He's going to have a rough night. Yeah.

And a nice relief. Yep, that's right. Thank you. Thank you. This episode is brought to you by another food place because we are true fat boys. We like to eat over here. Because you have to say. But we got to help.

Yeah, no, but you've got to say when you're saying yes to an ad, is this something you like? And it's all becoming food. It's great. It's great. Factor is truly amazing. Look, it's eating better with Factor's delicious ready-to-eat

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and use code gilcentme50 to get 50% off. It's gilcentme50 zero and use code gil sent me 50 to get 50 off it's gil sent me 50 at factor meals.com slash gil sent me 50 to get 50 off come on everybody join factor i eat him in the garage jake's my buddy i don't like gareth let's do it today's episode is sponsored by Booking.com, a.k.a. Booking.yeah. That's right, Jake. Listen, as you know, I'm on the road currently in a hotel currently that I booked on Booking.com previously. And you told us that off air. Nope.

I don't want to get into that too much. I just want to say how great. No, go ahead. I mean, well, you said it's pretty funny. So the standup places book most of your nights, but on the layover night, when you don't have the club book in it, you needed to book your own space. And you said, I used booking.com and it was so easy. Well, we said, well, this is the goddamn commercial. No, you also pointed out that I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke, who's my opener,

he and I share a room because, you know, you try to save money on the road, which is why I use Booking.com. And another thing that's great about Booking.com is this situation without the two beds that I booked on Booking.com becomes a lot more Three Stooges-esque if it's one bed. So I get the two beds.

They make it easy on you. You know what you're going to get when you show up. You're very familiar. It doesn't matter if you're looking for a remote mountain cabin or a relaxing beach resort or a hotel that you share with a guy you met in college. There's a multitude of choices you can get at booking.com. I agree. And I was just told when my kid's spring break is, and my wife said, we have nothing planned if you want to plan something. And I thought, oh, I didn't realize this is going to be on the old jakester, and I'm going to go to booking.com.

And in your head when you- To see if I can figure out a weird four days to keep everybody busy so the kids don't drive me nuts. So booking.yeah, save me. There we go. So this spring, check out booking.com for your ideal hotel or vacation home. No matter where you go in the U.S., book whoever you want to be on booking.com. Booking.com. Booking.yeah.

Hey, everyone. producer Kevin here. This next follow-up is from episode 42 called dress for the guy you want to be, uh, with Boban that was on January 8th and it is the second call. Um, so if you'd like a quick refresher, make sure to check that out and enjoy the follow-up hello hello there this is luke luke so luke this is uh a follow-up but we don't know uh which follow-up it is only kevin does and neither does our audience can you walk us through what your first call was sure uh just a little while ago my first call was uh on the matter of the rubik's cube oh yes hey luki what's your time baby yeah uh well uh i i have gotten uh you know i've hit that goal that we did yeah what was what was the goal it was like 19 seconds. Oh, I thought it was to not get laid.

Less than 20 seconds. Watch this, boys. Wait, we got a video. Oh, shit. Hold on, Luke. Do you have a problem that you could use a hand with? Why not call Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds on We're Here to Help? It's an advice podcast where the advice is free, and it feels free, too.

I needed a hand with my cube here. Did they help? Sure, as far as you know you should listen that's we're here to help wherever that is absolutely crazy Luke that's awesome and Gareth is wrong you do that in a bar it's cool Gareth admit it now that you've seen it floor is yours Garth uh Luke listen I'll be honest a guy like me doesn't have much. I got a few puns and maybe I could sling a joke here or there. What Jake's saying is true. You would best me in any singles bar situation without question.

Luke, that's cool. You do voices. Luke, don't try to help. It's actually hurting, to be quite honest. So, Luke, walk us through where you're at. You got the time. Where are you at? The question was about the community and where you're at. You got the time. Where are you at?

You were, the question was about the community and where you could do it, correct? What was your exact question? That's right. That's right. So I was saying, what do I do with this now? How fast do I want to get? Now I'm thinking maybe the approach shouldn't be how fast can I get? Cause it's kind of plain and kind of boring here.

I can, I can do it while like promoting your podcast. Yeah. Maybe there's some other weird thing I can do while solving a Rubik's cube. That would be more interesting. I think that is exactly right. And you know what I think? Can we steal what you said as advice we're giving you? Yes.

Jake, why don't you just say it? So here's what I would recommend, Luke. I would really rather, rather than keep pushing your time, because 19 is a great time, I would start a cameo, and I would do cameos to people while solving the Rubik's Cube. The Rubik's Cameo. Wait. You know what we could also do?

What if we, Luke, you want to do an ad for our show while doing a Rubik's Cube? Is that even going to help us, Kevin? Well, that's kind of what was happening with that video clip. Well, we're talking about a sponsored ad. Literally like rocket money. We might bring like hero bread on board. Yeah, yeah. Squarespace is perfect.

The ads need to be a certain length and I think he would have to do a couple of Rubik's Cubes. But yeah. Wait, can we do something? Are you, do you have video capability right now? Is this you in the waiting room as well, Luke? It is, just in case I joined a second

connection. So why don't we do this as an idea? Classic Cubist. Kevin, I don't think we need to cut this out. This will be in the follow-up as is. And then we can also do the ad at a later time. So Luke, I got a question for you. Do you want to, as a fun thing, we will start an ad and in the middle, I'll say, we don't have much more time in this ad, maybe under 20 seconds. Luke, do you mind coming in and solving a Rubik's cube as we finish this ad? And then you just do the cube. We'll say hi to you really fast. And then you do the cube as we're doing it. And you could feel free to talk to while you're doing it. And when you're done, we end the ad.

That sounds awesome. What would my cut be? All right, have a good day, Luke. Thanks for calling in, buddy. I'm just joking. I'm just joking. Pro bono. It's fine.

Wait, no, here's what your cut's going to be. What's created a cameo for you right now? I really hadn't considered cameo. Do you want to do that? Of course he does. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. I think it's good. Worth trying. How about, uh, here to help? No. How about Rubik's Luke? Rubik's Luke. Rubik's Luke. How do you like that it all sounds wonderful you tell us lukey because we're are you going to do camera because then what we're going to do in the ad is we're going to push it to you and you know be a really funny follow-up if you're like i made eight thousand

dollars guys yeah because then we talk cuts then we're talking cuts but what do you think of rubik's luke sure if it's available then i would go for it i'm gonna say it's available so here's what we're gonna do rubix luke here's what we're gonna do we're gonna start an ad let's get you on video with us oh there there's all those beautiful faces i love it hey rubix luke from cameo yeah it's rubix luke i just need to mute. There you go. Thank you. Thank you, Kevin. Okay, great. All right, Luke. Here we go. Or, you know, we could also do, we could see how many times you, wait, after you solve it, do you have to re-solve it? You got to mix it up. I got to re-scramble, yeah.

How long does it take to re-scramble? Another couple of seconds. Do you want to see how many times you can solve it in an ad? That sounds doable. Is that a more fun game? Yeah, I think that's maybe better. Okay, so let's do that. Then us in complete silence at the end of an ad. Yeah.

Hey, you got it. So this will just be how many times. You'll have to take our word for it. And then Kevin in post, can we just make sure John, every time he solves it, put a one over his thing and a two. And actually, why don't we do this? Luke, why don't you let us know when you solve it? Yeah, say one, two, three.

So just go, that's one. Solve. Yeah. Yes. Oh, that's why. All right. Do we want Gil doing this ad? No, let's do it as Gil.

Okay, all right, here we go. All right, ready? Yeah. All right, you started, Jake. Today's episode is sponsored by Squarespace. Squarespace, Jake. And today we actually have Luke helping us. He's doing the Rubik's Cube during the ad.

We're going to see how many times he can solve it. You mean Luke from Cameo, Rubik's Luke. R-U-B-I-X, Luke. Rubik's Luke. That's right. And Luke, I and you, Jake, are huge fans of Squarespace. Now look, we know what Squarespace is. We talk about it all the time. We love Squarespace. Squarespace is an all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online.

My website is through Squarespace. The whole time I've had a website. Gareth, Squarespace is so easy. It's like Luke doing the Rubik's Cube. Yes. And he should be done with one by now, I would imagine. We're way over 19 seconds. Luke, how's it going over there? That's one. Sorry, it's a bit of a performer's anxiety here. Fair enough. Listen, we've all been there. I remember Prom. Now, whether you're just starting out or you're managing growing a brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, easy way to engage with your audience, sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place. They have great design features like Fluid Engine, which is a next generation website design system. Custom merch, easily sell your custom merch.

It's very easy to start a website. It might not be 19 seconds like it is for Rubik's Luke to solve the Rubik's Cube or maybe a little bit more during this ad because of performance. Well, I like to say it's as easy as solving a Rubik's Cube if you're Rubik's Luke to solve the Rubik's Cube or maybe a little bit more during this ad because of performance anxiety. Well, I like to say it's as easy as solving a Rubik's Cube if you're Rubik's Luke. You can also make an online store. So look, there's tons of stuff you can do. Squarespace is fantastic. So do us a favor.

I'm going to bring Gil in for this. You get one, Luke? No. Slight slip. Slight slip. Okay. We're on one and a half. Which is not something you're going to do

while you're creating your own website. Oh, that's absolutely right, Jake. Hand the baton to a professional. Listen, 48 years of broadcasting, and it shows. Head to www.squarespace.com slash gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase or website design. Head to www.squarespace.com. Who are you, Rubik's Luke?

Stop it now. All right, here we go, everybody. Both of you guys are having performance anxiety. Three, head to www.squarespace.gill.sendme. Who are you, Rubik's Luke? Stop it now. All right, here we go, everybody. 3, 2, 1. Listen, Luke is only down one, but that's okay. Hold on. Where are you at, Luke? Is that two? There was another slip right at the end. Head to www. Same with Gilly.

Come on now. I only had one slip. 3, 2, 1. Back to Gil. Ones and twos. Head to www.squarespace.com. Gil sent me to save 10%. 10% off your first purchase of a website design using the code gil sent me. That's squarespace.com slash gil sent me to save

10%. Luke, where you at? Another like 10 seconds. Maybe I'll have one. Give him the 10. Alright, so one more time. That's www.squarespace.com www.squarespace.com And don't forget that slash

Gil sent me. And if you want a cameo that's longer than 19 seconds, go to Rubik's Luke. He will suck. Thank you much, everybody! Way to go, Luke. Luke, you will suck to. Thank you much, everybody. Way to go, Luke. Thanks, Luke. You're the best.

Luke, that is crazy impressive. Listen, I know you just had performance anxiety. You did what Jake and I couldn't do in two years. Don't be mad. And here's the thing, Luke. We'll have you on for more ads. The listeners can view your growth. But now, Luke, now, remember you were saying, what do I do with this skill set?

Now we have a game. Can you solve it twice in a minute with the pressure? Yeah. Now you've got a game. Enough practice, enough takes, and I can get it down like I did in that clip. Yes. But I think on the spot like that, it was a little trickier. So, but, but Luke, remember you were asking, what do I do with this wild skill set?

Do I take it to bars? And we didn't have an answer. The game is now, how do you put yourself in pressure situations to try to do it? Because we're going to bring you back on now. Yeah. So now if you're in, if you wanted a skill set, the skill set is going to be doing this on one take fast. Cause in Cameo, we want you doing it. We don't want you doing 10 takes the game of it's going to be, how can you do this as fast as

possible while the bright lights are on Luke? This was day one of a new mission. I love it. I'll be a little less caffeinated next time. I love it. That's your adjustment. Luke, thank you very much for the call. We appreciate it. And let's honestly email us, email Kevin when you want round two. Whenever you're ready, we'll have you on.

Sounds fun. Love it. Thanks, buddy. Thank you, buddy. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKean.

Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakio and our video editor is John DeBruin. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I dot com. The album artwork is by James Fosdyke. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fosdyke, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand-up on the road, go to garethreynolds.com.

And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.