We're Here to Help - 64: A Prince Among Rats with Biff Wiff and John Feitelberg

Episode Date: March 25, 2024

Jake, Gareth and special guest Biff Wiff talk to a caller about their partner's weird nickname for their parents. Later, the guys and guest John Feitelberg talk to someone about a bad breath situation. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Behind the Scenes): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we are back. Back. Another winner, no matter what anyone says, America's number one podcast. Our intro is on Zoom, but the show is in studio. Yes. Because Garf Man is on tour. Yep.

And you know, there's still, I got shows coming up in the Midwest and Denver, but that one sold out, but I'll be in Chicago, Milwaukee, Madison, Cleveland. Gareth Reynolds dot com. Is that a two bed hotel room? I'm not. No, I'll answer your question if I can ask you a question. Deal. Did you notice that a long time ago

and have been saving it? Honest to God, no. I guess when we were talking about the intro of where you are, I noticed there's two unmade beds very close together. So like I told you before, when I go on the road, the club will pay for the bed and the room, not just the bed. That sounds really, really weird. Like a brothel.

But what clubs are you going to? I pay for the room, they get the bed. It's a pretty good slit. No, so I had a down, I had my first down night without a show and eight nights, nine shows and eight nights. And I had my first down night last night. So I paid for the room the room so Luke who comes on the road with me I got us the room so I got a room with two beds now he's in his own room. You're doing a show every night? I had been. Oh mama mia. Yes a lot of times these get pretty intense. Show every night a new city every night. So you do a show you sleep you wake you wake up, you drive three hours, you get some place, you get settled in, you go to the comedy club, you perform.

Yep. That's wild living. It's wild. It adds up, but you oddly get kind of conditioned to it and don't start thinking about it until you start seeing a day off coming and you're like, oh, I can't wait. Yeah. But, but again, I mean, it's's like this this work is such enjoyable work. The worst part of it is the logistical nature of it, the shows and stuff. Once you're at the club

you're like into it. Even if you're tired you're like excited. Yeah, that's interesting. But yes, there's two beds but now I've turned one bed into the pillow fort which I always do. So our show is our show is, again, you can watch us in studio if you want to watch on YouTube or if you're listening to wherever you get your podcasts. Tell people, let people know about our show. It's really helpful. Yeah, all that good stuff.

We have a fun one today. We have two guests. Yes. We have two guests. Our first guest on this one is a man named Biff Whiff, a guy who- Good boy. My boy, I love Mr. Biff Whiff. He's the best. He was in my movie, Self-Reliance. I think he was the best part of the movie. Yeah. He was, as I was watching him act, I had out of body experiences where I thought, I've been playing this game professionally now since 2004. I've acted opposite Tom Cruise, some real killers.

And I was thinking watching Biff with, this is the best guy I've ever acted with. Is that right? He is. He's my favorite type of actor. He's so good. He's so present. Everything he says is funny. And I thought I could watch him do this forever.

It's also gratifying to see him be recognized now. Yes. Well, I mean, it started with Tim Robinson's, I Think You Should Leave. Yep. He's so funny in that show. Hilarious. And I had missed it. So when I was doing auditions, I saw his tape. And I was like, who is this guy? And the casting director was like, have you seen I Think You Should Leave? And I hadn like, who is this guy? And the casting director was like, have you seen I think you should leave?

And I hadn't yet. And then when I saw his work as like, I was like, oh my Lord. And then Biff Whiff's cameos too. I watched a bunch of his cameos. I'm like, I mean, I don't know if you get any better. That's great. So he comes on our show is really great.

We also have John Fidelberg who is part as part of KFC radio with Barstool Sports and also has a sketch show we should point out called Out of Order, which you can check out on YouTube. John and Kevin have do a, their radio show, KFC radio, their podcast, I've been doing that for years. And I think those guys are as good as it gets in doing this. They've always been one of my favorite shows to jump on when I'm doing press.

They're really funny, they're really great. And they also have each other's back in a really sweet way where Kevin DM'd me a bunch afterwards and been like, make sure you talk about his sketch show out of order. He's like, John's a wonderful actor, but he's not going to say anything about it. And I was like, you two guys are the best. And I will say both the guys are hilarious. John's a killer.

He did feel like he felt like the third brother of you and I were combined. Yes, I agree. I felt like when I was, if we were smushed together, John's great. He felt like the third brother of you and I were combined. Yes, I agree. If we were smushed together, John's right in between you and I. Poor bastard. He's really funny on this one. He's great. And both calls, we put them together because you'll see they really work well together. Yes. And also we have, as you know, we have followups and this episode is no different. Yes. An exciting installment in our series. And I'll say this as well, we are now on Patreon.

Kevin, our Patreon handle is... Here to help Pod. Here to help Pod. We are just starting it, we're having fun with it, we're going to be doing some stuff over there, we're going to be doing some stuff here as always. And look, we're enjoying the experiment and we appreciate you guys coming along with us. We're going to be doing some stuff over there. We're going to be doing some stuff here as always. And look, we're enjoying the experiment and we appreciate you guys coming along with us. Yep. So with all that said,

Hello? Hello. Hey, can you hear me? Yeah. Can we, we get your name please? Yes. My real name, I assume. Whatever you want. You want a real one or a fake one? I'll do a fake one. I'll be Jimmy Jimmy. So Jimmy you got us. You got a special one today You got me in the Garf. Hello, but then you've got

Well, I guess I'd have to say and I've said it to him. Maybe my favorite actor in this weird Hollywood came a fucking prince among fucking rats of the game a guy that you just put a fucking camera on and his instincts are incredible a guy who I wrote a movie I star in it I I direct it, I produce it, and this fucking guy steals it from me. It was easy pickin'. Come on. A guy from Tim Robinson's I Think You Should Leave, who crushes that.

My shirt brother. A shirt brother. Santa in that. Mr. Biff with George the pod Howdy howdy howdy it's great to be here as good as it gets and you're so good in the movie And you know how I feel about you and well, I know how you feel about me

I feel the same way about you and this fucking dude was on the original night court. Isn't that right? Yes, I was on the original and the current night court. you were on both of them yeah well you want to that's pretty cool yeah hey Jimmy where you calling from pal I am calling from Atlanta Georgia okay ATL and how old are you I'm in my 30s okay that's fair very general Jim beginning or the end of them beginning I'm 31 young guy young guy all right Jimmy what can we do for you? All right. So, um, me and my partner had been married for three years.

I have known her for eight years. Okay. And I love her, but the one thing that I can't get over is she's still, she's still calls her mom and dad mommy and daddy. Yuck. Jesus Christ. I'm with you, Jimmy. Yeah.

It's not that. I don't know. It just rubs me the wrong way. You know? So I need you guys' help to figure it out. I just don't know how to get it to stop. Yeah. By the way, this isn't a bit.

I'm with you. Oh, I'm with you. Okay. I don't care What's your problem? So you don't want it to do mommy and daddy and the question is is how do we get out of this? Biff Whiff unfortunately is the voice of reality and who gives a shit. But the problem with that Biff is that we don't have a show.

Yeah. We have to give a shit. Oh we have to. So here. Yes. So if you did give a shit. Imagine if you gave a shit. But Biff. I give a shit. Oh, we have to? Yes, so if you did give a shit, imagine if you gave a shit what you did. I give a shit. No, but Biff, I'm gonna get you in the head space

for what the show is, because I am with you. The reality is, Jim, who gives a shit, right? But the point of this one is, imagine Jimmy's our very good friend. The three of us are in a bar, we maybe smoked a little bit of weed, we had a couple of drinks, and our friend goes, guys, what do I do?

My wife is calling her parents mommy and daddy and it's driving me nuts. So as a good friend, we can't say who cares. Having a few drinks and some weed makes it a lot easier to care. I care now. Poor Jimmy. There we go. Good. See, Jimmy? We got him where we need. Okay, Jimmy

So keep walking us through it. So the mommy and daddy stuff what else? So it's more about we've I've had conversations with her about hey, you know, can we change to mom and dad? Can we do mother and father? Can we just you know, oh you have like mommy and dad is they're very I brought it up to her Okay, so where the issue lies is her parents Seem to be offended when we try to make the change so on family trips, you know We've been like, okay, let's start to make the change. Let's you know, let's try mom dad and see what happens

And they are the ones I gave them. What do you think and you got you got shit kicking in between those years? What are you thinking? I'm I'm wondering why Jimmy cares about this so much What my thing is? So you care because it's annoying to you, right? Right And I'm trying to get this picture of Jimmy in my as a friend of mine. Okay, so what Jimmy? How could you what do you do for work? Kind of we're trying to get Biff on your team. We have a new we have a new problem Which is we gotta make it like you but hold on that's a good idea

Biff is a lot easier if you like the guy. Yeah, so Jimmy, what do you do? What are some traits about you so we can get you as we can get Biff with you. Let's see. So some traits are I work in I work in real estate. Easy Jimmy. I'm a huge college football fan. Oh who's your team? My team is Clemson. Okay. Clemson is that a team? That's mine. Okay all right Jimmy wrong direction. This is going sideways. Jimmy Jimmy what do you do for fun? Do you ever go out have a few pops you drink? Oh, yeah. What's your drink of trouble for fun? Oh, yeah My drink of choice is gonna be any kind of white beer usually Coors Light. That's kind of my go-to

Beer what's that? Hold on Jimmy. We got the great Biff whiffs about to say something. What are you thinking of that Biff? I'm thinking Coors light Is it even beer is it boy? I'll tell you when I when he was answering I was like Jimmy I don't know if you know how much is hinging on this answer. Yeah, so not Jimmy. Do you do you smoke weed? All right, if I if I'm letting my hair down, I'm going whiskey on the rocks. That's what I'm gonna drink Okay, there you go. Now you're kind of whiskey. I'm what I I have angels envy at home That's what I kind of drink for the most part. Okay. I'm trying to get you I'm trying to get you with Biff a little bit here. Do you smoke any weed? Yes. Oh

Okay, okay now how often are you a weed man? Oh man. Like in the last hour? Every day, every day. Oh every day, oh okay. There you go. Now Jimmy, what kind of music do you like to listen to when you smoke a little bit of weed? I like The Grateful Dead. I'm a jam band kind of guy. Deadhead.

Okay, all right. Okay, now we're getting on the same page. Yeah, yes, okay. And Jimmy, you've probably taken a little acid at some point if you're a big deadhead guy, right at some point You've taken a maybe not a little bit. No, I know a little bit. Yeah a little bit Now hold on for a second now Biff I'm gonna go to you here So yeah our buddy Jimmy the deadhead guy smokes a little weed likes a whiskey on the rocks

No, I got a salt of the earth kind of fun guy. He's at the table with him We like him. We love them But we like him okay his wife calls fucking her parents mommy and daddy Killing it's killing Jimmy What can we say to Jimmy that I know you don't care? But it's grossing out our guy when he's jamming out to trucking But it's grossing out our guy when he's jamming out to trucking No one hitter. Yeah, it's ruining his vibe, man He can't be wavy gravy with his mommy and daddy shit because I'll tell you what it doesn't do is it doesn't get the juices

Going downstairs. Yeah, his hot wife is going mommy daddy So bill see you that while they're doing it. No So Biff's seeing that while they're doing it? No, if that helps you then yeah. But Biff, you got anything in your head just to start us off, how this guy can get his wife to stop saying mommy and daddy? Mommy and dad is okay with you, Jimmy? Yeah, what about her parents? Yeah, I mean her parents, they like me.

I mean if that's, yeah, they definitely like me, we all get along. And when you brought it up to them and you said What if we went mom and dad what they say? They were just like why why do you need to do that? You know like why what what's wrong with and I'm like well I don't know just the connotation that a grown-up. Okay, you know I got a bad mommy. I got a couple. Yeah So here's my pitch around them you refer to her as like You know, I got a bad mommy. I got a couple. Yeah. Yeah. So here's my pitch around

them you refer to her as like a Bunky and you make her call you like Pumpkin Man or something so you're doing pet names around mommy and daddy Until they get a little bit of like a little bit off put right so in front of her dad if Your wife is calling you like you know some sort of pet name would you what'd you think before we about to yell I don't know what you want with pumpkin pumpkin yes I thought you wanted Bucky Bucky Bucky's worse but if she's Bucky and you're pumpkin bunny and Bucky and all of a sudden it's happening

Every sentence ends with that overdo it that there you could overdo it to the point of then her parents get uncomfortable And you say I have an idea What if we cut all these your mom and dad and I'm Jimmy and she's Jane and you make an agreement as a group to stop with the names Do you think something like that could work, Jimmy? I think so because when we first started dating, we used babe and baby a lot and they hated that. Oh, okay, good. So if they hate babe and baby, what are nicknames that could work for you

and your partner that's not silly, but really gross? What's the grossest stuff you guys could do that you know is in your wheelhouse? Man, I don't know something like slobberpuss. I don't know. Slobberpuss is as gross as a cat. You almost made Caitlin our social media director barf. Jimmy, I got to tell you, in my head, I'm like, he's not going to, he's not going to grab the ball and dunk it on this.

But then you came up with that. So if you call her, if you call her slobberpuss her that on Pornhub and have over a thousand results If you called her Sober put I remember her. Jimmy's wife. So what could she call you? Oh, thick.

That's good. I only had one. I only had one. So, how crazy is this, Jimmy? And only if you're gonna really do it. How about Lovey Dove? But what if you called her slobberpuss and she called you slobberdig? Oh my god, you cannot...

But hold on, Jimmy. If you're looking to end an awkward mommy and daddy situation and you in a baby voice called her slobberpuss, and she said, yes, slobber. It ends it. That's the bomb. The parents are gonna hear slobberpuss and make eye contact, like, that was weird.

And then when she comes back with like, here's the mashed potatoes, slobber dick, they're gonna be like, get the car. We need to get it. I don't know what's happening here. Very quickly, the vibe is gonna change. Oh yeah. But you could say, oh say, I'm really sorry,

these are just names we call ourselves when you guys aren't around. And then you go, if it's on, sorry, sorry, and then you go, should we cool it with the names and just go to first names? What's in a name? Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Is that insane, Jimmy, or are we near a zone you might go? I can answer. Yeah. I think we're down the right track you do Jimmy all right look gareth hold on I'm all I'm doing is talking real talk Jimmy you're telling me there's a world where mom and dad are over and you call your wife slobberpuss and she's straight-faced in front of mommy and daddy calls you slobber dick and this is in the realm of possibility if it is I'm very excited there is the possibility for me to do slobber dick and this is in the realm of possibility if it is I'm very excited

There is the possibility for me to do slobber post absolutely because I'm kind of the the joke. I don't know Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. Those are the family where I say I say stuff that people are sometimes like Oh, you can't say that in front of her parents, okay? I don't know if I could get her to say slobber dick. Okay good. What could you get her to say? Sleepy man, I don't know sleepy man. Why is that sleep? I don't but sleepy man's it's gross It's in the vote. It's in the zone of mommy and daddy. I'll say that if You're sleepy man. If I'm a fuck it if my daughters called their husband sleepy man in front of me. I Would hate it. I got an idea how to just what if she

starts calling you daddy there you go you know I thought about that if she's starting calling you daddy it at least brings up oh well I started calling her slobber puss and I like I wanted her to start calling me daddy oh I mean makes it confusing the waters you might be onto something the zone of you guys calling each other mommy and daddy in front of them, because never in a bedroom would a man and a woman having sex call each other mom and dad.

No. It's never like, oh, dad, oh, dad. I request papa. I always request papa. But the idea of saying mommy could be hot in some circles, mom is not. No. I like grandpa.

I asked for that a lot during sex. So what do you think about leaning into, you guys say, she goes daddy, and you and him at the same time go, yeah? Oh, which one are you talking to? Oh, that would gross him out. It creates a confrontation, which is not a bad thing. And then your wife has to say like,

I'm sorry dad, I was actually talking to Jimmy Sorry, dad. This is good. I was sorry dad to Jimmy mm-hmm Jimmy where yeah, we might have fucking nailed this one I think that would work because even if she is just calling them mommy and daddy we don't have to have a plan I'm just gonna start answering. That's it. That's great Jimmy you you know what you got a run run through fire on this one to get to The other side, but whenever she says daddy if you respond it's gonna kill her down Yeah, and then the dad's gonna say hold on. I'm dad. Yeah, and you going this okay, sir, but I am daddy What do you think Jimmy I mean it feels like it was a group mind, but do you feel good about that? Yeah.

No, I can do that. I can. Will you please follow up with us after you do this? Can I even request a crazier thing? Film it. Just put your phone on record so we can overhear it. If you get... Well, it's hard because she's got to say, daddy, then he's got to get the phone out. No, you just lay it down. Yeah. I record hours of stand-up just on audio files. It's hard because it's she's got to say daddy then he's got to get the phone out. No, you just lay it down

Yeah, if you get hours of stand-up just on audio files back I could I can plan if you can plan a couple of them and if you could record this Oh, you are a fucking king. It would just be a lovely follow-up. Yeah, so daddy, please try to pull that off I mean, I'm telling you just I will hearing Jake say it it turns you yeah on no Jimmy we got to go Jake has some stuff if you can pull that off it would be a massive win for you and the show buddy I think I can all right so let us know what happens Jimmy we look forward to it and mr. Biff with good talking with you Jimmy I hope this works out for you there you go what a sweet end yeah you ran this guy through hell and in the end you ended with a cherry at top of the sundae.

You kicked the hell out of him. But now you're friends. Biff is the architect of the new term slobber dick, which is Yes, that's right. Mr. Slobber Dick. Thank you Biff, thankbernet. Thank you, Bim. Thank you, Daddy. Thank you, Daddy. This episode is brought to you by ZockDoc. ZockDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointment lists. You can also get a free free free free free free free free free free free free free free

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She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation and there were so many times, so many things likeations were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly somewhere close You use that doc. Yeah, you would use Zoc doc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know Like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem is it has it's for all that. The problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up. Yes. And what I like, I actually use ZocDoc,

since we started doing it, I do like that it keeps it really clean and you can put all your information in. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am gonna get an MRI on. But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI.

Now, the doctor report back. It's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounds like. Doctor said to me about my hip. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, Yeah, you're just the I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then when they go, well, you're mid 40s. Yeah. Oh, what a jerk.

Well, that guy's hopefully not on Zoc Doc. But but again, it really does. or mid-40s, yeah? What a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on Zoc Doc, but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly. You can also get it same day.

That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, one's a two, 68, balmy. Don't worry about it, that's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you, brother. You never, literally never left haha whatever the best time of the world go to Zocdoc.com slash HTH and download

the Zocdoc app for free did you hear how much that cost you free free that's right and then find and book a top-rated doctor today that's Z O C D O C dot com slash H T H. Zocdoc dot com slash H T H. Today's episode is brought to you by Babbel. That's right, Jake. Listen, you know what Babbel is, right? Science backed language learning app that actually works, which I find to be very important. Science-backed, Jake. Listen, don't bother paying hundreds of dollars for a private tutor. They come over, they're like asking for snacks, they're

being annoying, or even waste hours on apps that don't really help. We're here to help and Babbel is going to help you. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations. So, Jake, for instance, if you want to learn, I started re-learning French through Babel a little bit. Interesting. Yes, because I used to know French, but then I don't know French, but it's still there. You know what I like about it is that it's got a speech recognition technology. Yep. Because the problem with learning a new language is if you sound like you're from another country. Yes. If it can actually help with

the accent. Yeah. That's a big ass turn. And applicable to situations you're gonna find yourself in. Like when I think back to taking French it was just like so much it was like I'm never gonna do that. It's like how do you order food? How do you get a drink? How do you ask for directions? But so Babbles great now listen listen every should we bring him in right one quick pause We bring in the clothes studies from Yale. This is interesting Michigan State University and others prove that babble is better So one study found that using babble for 15 hours is equivalent to a full semester at college So if that's true, which Yale's no joke, it's just putting schooling in a different light.

If you spend 15 hours, let's say you didn't go to college, and you always feel like, well, I don't know, I didn't go to college, 15 hours you just did a semester. That's wild. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer. All right, hold on, that is, yes. That's a wild study. So speaking of language, should we bring in the closer or should I do it? Closer.

All right, hold on, let's get him. Kevin? Door's open. All right. Oh, you meant Gil. I meant Kevin. I thought Kevin was gonna do it. No, I thought we were talking about the closer.

Well, you were. He parked in front of all our cars, so might as well. We can't leave. Well, what's the problem? Go ahead. So that old jalopy is Gil's? Yes. And you can turn it off, I guess.

Nah, keep it running. I want the rest. It's bad for something? A lot of smoke. I'm pausing a serious accent. Now listen, here's a special limited time deal for our listeners. Right now, get 55% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners. This isn't for people who don't listen, like Laura, from one of the calls earlier.

These are standalone? At Babbel.com slash HTH. Jake, let me finish. Get 55% off Babbel.com slash HTH. Spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash H-T-H. We're gonna watch you to Babbel. We want you to Babbel. I'll tell you what, I don't want to Babbel your ear off.

I gotta go back to the jalopy rules and restrictions Hey Hi, do I detect an accent or just a weird? Hi? Uh, I you I was not expecting to jump on just yeah Answered the question are we boozing or are we from another land? uh... maybe both sweetheart did you drink yourself irishish?

uh... are you american? i am. Best country on earth, number one USA. Welcome to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast and in the world soon enough uh... you're on with jake johnson gareth reynolds and our guest the one and only from kfc radio john feiddleberg. Give it up for John, everybody. Thank you very much for having me, John. Thank you for joining. Thank you for joining. We're not going to lie, we're hot. So we feel very good about solving this issue. Can we

get your name, your age, and where you're calling from, and then we'll get into it. Um, Macy Gray. Macy Gray, what's her name? I'm 42. Okay. And I'm calling from Gray. Macy Gray, that's a fan. I'm 42. And I'm calling from Portland, Oregon. OK.

And what the hell is going on, Macy? Pretty cool setup, though. Right into it. Yeah, same. There's a little bit of a setup. So I hit you guys up. I emailed your podcast a month ago when the first event happened.

So I have not had sex since before COVID until last month. And I hooked up with a dude that I've been friends with for like a while, like 12 years. And it was really great, like upper echelon sex and he has really bad breath. But the sex was great. And it's like a bummer. Okay, so quick question.

No sex pre-COVID until last month. Yeah, how come? Yeah, what happened? No come. What? We didn't say no come well for a while? You can't do it alone. I don't Sure, I will not everything about you chronic

You got the loose collar t-shirt like you jacked up your car on the way here a guy who weighs Masturbates So try to get him into a why did why did we take a three-year break from the sex or Four-year break from the four-year. I you know Therapy I'm doing that psilocybin therapy and like working on myself. Nice. Good for you. For the lay person mushrooms magic. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Okay so you you decided to spend a little time go inward and uh fix the queen of the castle before you bring a king in with you. Yeah for you you. Yeah. Is this correct?

Before you bring a drawbridge down and someone to cross them out. You said like, hold on. Exactly right. And so you said, hold on. And then this guy, let's give him a name. Macy Gray. What are we calling him? Axel Rose.

So Axel you've been friends with for a while. Yeah. Now is Axel somebody who could be the king of that castle or is he just like a funny jester? You just bring it in and like in to take my parts boy I like he was a jester and then you're like you might be king potential you tell us may see is that right? Well, here's the thing. He might be moving up like the court ranks or yeah, whatever that word Yeah, because of how he performed

Horizontal no. Oh, it's like it's all the in between. And so like, here's the development. Your producers hit me up last night. He is literally in JFK on his way here. So we can hang out this weekend. OK. Where would you guys be if he's a JFK? You're in Portland. Good question. I used to live in Brooklyn.

So he's in JFK right now, pounding onions and garlic garlic getting ready to hop on a plane to come see you. But before before we get to the pitches which might be easy on this one I'm not gonna lie when you had the sex with this with Axel and It was good. Where are you at Macy? Are you thinking he might come here and this might be the beginning of a beautiful story Or are you thinking I'm looking for three fun days, and then we'll see it while he flies to the other side of the country What are the stakes of this fucking weekend? Pretty high it's like so we're both doing dry January great

And so I feel like I'm gonna notice his breath more. I mean, we're gonna be high, but like, it's not like the sloppy... It's the margins you're working that I love, Macy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll be high, it's fine. What does his breath smell like? I feel like, honestly, it might be like a tooth issue. Like a dentistry issue. Interesting.

And so the last time that we hooked up last month, I have I'm classy lady and I have like individually wrapped toothbrushes in case I have guests. So you've had those for five years now. How dusty are those things? They're called fuck brushes. Yeah, that's how them what they are. But if you're not looking for four years, they're just collecting dust brushes. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're not fucking for four years, they're just collecting brush. Yeah Yeah, you're not you're the dentist is like do you want the to-go package like I'm good or a guy comes over

You have a one-night stand and he goes is this a toothbrush from the 90s? I didn't know they made him like this anymore. Yeah, was this a Barney? and so You've got you've got the stuff. You've got the toothbrush, but if we're talking about like a deep decay, a mince not gonna help that game. Well, I don't know what to do. And he's so sweet and I don't wanna like, I don't know how to navigate that.

All right, well, it's not easy. Yeah, oh great. And when you were fucking, was it the most noticeable? No. No, it's just a constant. Gareth, there's positions to the game. You gotta go face to face if you're doing it right like the Bible said! There better be a baby on the way, Macy!

Sinners. I think you... Well, John, what do you think? Have you ever been in any position like this? Yes, and this is gonna go back to my last answer. You're gonna notice something about me. It's barrier. It's uh...

Well, I was in a relationship with a girl for two years who did not brush her teeth at night. Uh-huh. Never brought it up, never said anything, just grinned and bared it. Now I know that's not the kind of advice we're giving out. My first thing was... Like, have mints on hand. Pineapples, mangoeses and just stuff that motherfucker John you started with such a normal thing mints you said mints or pineapples and mangoes

If i'm in bed with a woman and she goes You want a mint or a full pineapple? I'm gonna go the fuck is going. No, I don't like a mint or a kiwi You keep you keep the dried pineapples. That's that's Yeah, yeah, that's that's gonna get talking about those like some all kinds of you're talking about like the trader Joe pack Yeah, we hide. Yeah, I'm gonna give him the toots. Don't get me wrong on that. Yeah Well, well, let's fix one mouth at a time So you're just basically saying cover the tracks of the stink with anything we can. Just keep feeding it, keep feeding it. Carpet bottom.

Okay Garf, where you at? I think it's something, well look, I think you have two strategies. If you think this is like king material, I think we're eventually gonna have to set up a couple's dental appointment. And we're gonna need to work on that. I think John's zone is right for right now.

So this is what I would do. I would suggest getting a dinner that you know is going to be malodorous. And you eat the dinner together and then after when you're about to make the move to the bedroom you suggest you both have a major dental cleanup because you don't want to have stinky breath when you go into this. So you eat like let's say a fucking curry, okay? Probably not the best one for coitus. So you eat like, let's say a fucking curry, okay? Probably not the best one for coitus. But you eat like a curry, okay?

And then you go after the curry, you go, boy, my breath's on fire. I don't wanna kiss you with it. I think we both should go do a major cleanup on the mouth before we move to the bedroom. So that way you both do it and hopefully you're, yeah, it's all crafty. Get in like that.

And that's gonna let you know to whether you are working with a dental issue. Yeah. That didn't clean it up. But enough mouthwash will help anything. It'll at least cover it. And that way if it stinks you could say, oh you still have curry bread. So I'm not against this at all. You know I think we're actually giving you some pretty solid stuff here. I will say, and I was different, the reason that John talked about the previous call was the last call was about catching a grandpa masturbating do you hold in there and I fundamentally see

this one differently I would say this one Well is just a series of dark issues in a man. Yeah, and it's you got me faster. Yeah again Bill Murray Rushmore those and they're both those kids were a little redheaded Yeah, we are them. Yeah, you got you guys are what happened when they quit wrestling Face they'll try and wrestle all the time now faces for radio. So sadly all of us so

Here's what here's where I would go on this one And you might have to you might have to take one bullet to win the war here. He gets off the plane. You have fun. You are excited to see him go back to your place. Fuck like crazy. Don't worry about the breath. Have fun, deal with it.

Figure out positions where you're not close to the mouth, but enjoy it. So that afterwards, when you're smoking that big joint You could go like well, goddamn. Are you good at that? And he could go you too and you go this thing really works You're in that great zone of connection and friendship and then you could say I Allow to say I like everything about you But there is one thing that I would like to chat about and you would say what and I would go You don't have the best breath

of anyone I've ever been with, but there's so much other stuff that's so great. Maybe you could help me fix this issue. Cause I gotta say, you in the bedroom, I'm looking at a 10 out of 10. You smelling that breath, we're looking at a three out of 10, my king. And what he might say is you like my personality

you like my body you like me in the sack you like everything there's just an issue of a smell of my breath well let me let me go to the bathroom and take ten minutes with Lister and see how that fixes it and it could became a game between you two where he goes like check this and you can go we're not there yet and then he goes give me an you know it might be something he needs to eat food he might have something rotten inside of them, so I would bring it up Post-sex in a fun way and let him be part of this You're asking a lot to go from plane to bang if this guy already has bad bread

And then we're gonna air incubate for five hours. Yeah, I mean it's What you're saying, but also like I don't hate the mince. I don't hate the pineapples. Well. I got a snack There's also you could get there's gonna be a lot of hot getting high this weekend Yes, get him high little dental inspection while he's out. Oh, you're talking about the vet I'm out take him to the vet. See if they can Find out where that dead tooth is Open the fridge. Yeah, thank you. Yeah. Yeah, yeah It cast a little extraction yourself get a figure figure stage banging out of his mouth in your home

I'm gonna say a hundred percent. Let's not drug them and take them Considered abuse like about John's pitches. They're either you bury it or you're knocking someone out. Yeah Emotionally bury it physically drug them and hurt them What you have nice right now is you have the weekend. Agreed. So even if there's a little bit of tension, you're kind of locked into this.

So I think you could go either way. If you want to get the pre-bang breath worked on, I would maybe get a bite to eat on the way back home, and then you can say, let's freshen up. And you could also, yeah, you could say the thing, also keep keep this in mind Macy. You're on house money, right? So you went four years with no sex So house money if you're not a gambler if anyone's not a gambler It basically means you go in with your $200 to gamble. Yeah, you play for a long time

You've taken you've won enough you take your 200. Yeah, you put it in your pocket, but you still got 500 bucks to play with Yeah, it's like what the Packers have so you you go into the hotel room, but you still have money So you want to play and here's why I say you're on house money. You didn't fuck for four years You are having fun with him. He also lives across the country. Yeah, it might not Yeah for a lot of reasons you're also in an inward search So I would use the house money and play with the idea of what does open communication look like with a partner. It's true.

And if it goes sideways, he goes, man, you really killed my vibe by saying I have shit breath. And you go. You killed my flowers. Yeah, and you go like, look, I'm working on it. I handled that wrong. But I'm trying to figure out how to do this. I had a bang-demic.

And as a guy, if someone said that to me and said, you know, I'm taking mushrooms, I'm going to therapy, I'm trying, I'm sorry, I handled it wrong, I don't go, let me brush a bunch all week and smoke some joints and let's have some sex. I'm not mad at you. I think he's right. I love the other options, but I think that's right.

I mean, worst case scenario, you say, I'm not tactful. Yes, exactly, and the worst case scenario, you say, I'm not tactful. Yes, exactly. But worst case scenario, you say like, your breast stinks, man. Yeah, sorry. So here's where we're at. We're in the Barriette. We're in the mince or pineapple, which should be by the bed no matter what.

Yep, a big bowl of pineapple. We're at the do a dual dental appointment. We're into the go to a big dinner beforehand, eat something like curry, and then put it on yourself, We're into the go to a big dinner beforehand, eat something like curry, and then put it on yourself. Say, I'm insecure about the smell of my breath. You should be too. Here's a toothbrush.

John's pitch was drug him and take him to an animal doctor. Sort of. Rip his teeth out. Yeah. And lastly, it's post sex. Have a very honest conversation. Admit that it's hard for you to have this talk, but say you would love to fix this solution.

It's not hard to have the talk because he's speaking near you. Yes, but it's hard to have the emotion. So, Macy, where are you at? What are you gonna do? Good luck this weekend and walk us through the ending. So, I think I'm gonna do like a little sprinkle of some of, some, I mean outside of the vet through the ending. So I think I'm going to do like a little sprinkle of some of them. I mean, outside of the vet and the dentist.

I have my fingers crossed for that one. Yeah. OK. Keep going. Sorry, you lose. But I already have mango and pineapple. Thank you. And I have that everywhere. Thank you. What the hell is that? It means she's got pineapples in every room, in every corner, and hanging from the lights. Thank you. And I feel like I can. It means she's got pineapples in every room in every corner

and hanging from the lights. Thank you. I have a mango tree in my dining room. Thank you. It means she's got a basement full of mangoes stacked on top of each other. Thank you. It means her toilet is full of pineapple water. Thank you. OK, so you've already got those. Thank you.

OK, so I got that. But then I feel like it's gonna just I don't know be organic it might be a joke I don't know all bets are off with your mouth may see no you didn't you're not going to therapy and taking mushrooms to finish with I don't know what's gonna happen when I'm down yeah you are taking the lead here kid I know I know, I feel like I'm gonna probably crack a joke or something. Okay, a joke is a good start. And like, take that angle.

I'm gonna like sit with it. But what's the joke gonna be like? Holy God, did your mouth fart? And he goes, huh? And you go, never mind, let's smoke a bowl. Hey, let's go drink from the toilet. And he goes, what are you talking about? And he goes, because I'm gonna drink from the toilet because I wanna connect to you.

And he goes, what are you talking about? Smells like you, your breath smells like yeeshit. My breath does? I'm gonna drink from the toilet because I want to connect to you and he goes What are you talking about smells like you breast smells like you should? My breath does I'm making a joke you want to smoke a bowl. I'm getting turned around I got a flexible flight. I could get out of here. What'd you do? Look at dogs ass on your way here. Did I lick a dog's butt? No, and then she knocks him out and takes So if that happens, don't follow up. So you're thinking of lead out with a little bit of the joke, keep it light, and then go into a talk, or you're thinking avoid the talk? I don't think I want to have a serious talk. I don't want to hurt his feelings, you know? I just, I don't know. That's why it's so difficult to navigate.

This is what I would do. Let's do this really fast, and I'm gonna need your help on this pitch. Let's craft a few bad breath jokes that aren't too harsh, but can break the ice in a way that you're telling somebody, your breath stinks, but I still like you. Cause she's saying, I'm not doing the talk. She's got a bunch of mangoes. Thank you.

She's got mints. Thank you. She's not going to the dental appointment. I'm not doing the talk. She's got a bunch of mangoes. Thank you. She's got mints She's not going to the dental appointment. She's not doing that. So what I'm afraid of because what she's saying is I'm just gonna smoke pot and make jokes Could be trouble with their yes. Yes. Thank you. Yes, so maybe may say do you want Help craft and maybe a zone of jokes or is that problematic? No, all right. Here you go after coitus you guys are sitting there. He's talking and you say boy I don't remember you going on down on my butt, but your breath sure does He will laugh and he'll go there's my breast and you go like this does my ass Go a little And you go like this, does my ass stink? And he'll go, a little, and you go, say.

He goes, it doesn't stink, but it does smell like ass. And you go, what's weird is so does your mouth. And then you go, honest to God, I love you, but you got your mind brushing my ass out of your mouth? Yeah, that's another thing you could say. You know, if you want a glass of water, you could just ask me, you don't have to drink from the toilet.

By the way, both of those are big wins because then he's laughing the next day You could also say in the morning where he's like you got some coffee. You go. What did I tell you about drinking out of the toilet? I'm asking you not to drink toilet water Point and go hey I'm gonna go outside real quick and grab some dog shit for you to chew to freshen your mouth up. So Macy any of those jokes working for you because I think those are three home runs. I think you knocked them out of the park. All of them. I wrote them down actually. Those are great. It's a whole weekend. Yeah, you need some. That's a starting point. We appreciate the call. John, thanks for joining us. Thank you, John.

Why don't you guys listen to KFC Radio this weekend while you're smoking joints and you're going to have a lot of fun. Yes, we will. Today's episode is sponsored by Booking.com, aka Booking.Yeah. That's right, Jake. Listen, as you know, I'm on the road currently in a hotel currently that I booked on Booking.com previously. And you told us that all fair. Nope.

I don't want to get into that. It's too much. I just want to say how great but no go ahead I mean well, okay, you said it's pretty funny So the stand-up places book most of your nights But on the way overnight when you don't have the club book in it You needed to book your own space and you said I used booking comm and it was so easy Well, we said well, this is the goddamn commercial guy. No, you also pointed out that I have a room with two beds because when I pay for it, Luke,

who's my opener, he and I share a room because, you know, you try to save money on the road, which is why I use booking.com. And another thing that's great about booking.com is this situation without the two beds that I booked on Booking.com becomes a lot more three stooges-esque if it's one bed. So I get the two beds, they make it easy on you, you know what you're gonna get when you show up, you're very familiar, it doesn't matter if you're looking for a remote mountain cabin or a relaxing beach resort or a hotel that you share with a guy you met in college, there's a multitude of choices you can get at booking.com.

I agree, and I was just told when my kid's spring break is, and my wife said, "'We have nothing planned if you wanna plan something.'" And I thought, oh, I didn't realize this is gonna be on the old Jakester, and I'm gonna go to booking.com. And in your head, when you- To see if I can figure out a weird four days to keep everybody busy so the kids don't drive me nuts.

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Hello. Hi, welcome back to the show. I want to start by saying this is a follow-up. Gareth and I do not know who you are. Kevin did all the setups. So could you please remind us and the audience of your first call? Yeah, so this is Macy Gray and I was calling about great sex, bad breath with.

In Portland. Great sex, bad breath. The weekend you had, you had, so you basically had the predicament where there was a gentleman who you'd met. He was flying in for the weekend at, uh weekend when we took the call and the problem was there was bad breath and we were sort of like, how do we solve this unsolvable problem? So Macy, can you walk us through what the hell happened that weekend? Where are we at?

Well, I mean, you asked where he's at in the court rankings like the the royal court rankings. Is he a court jester? or Uh, he's like moving up to king status. Oh, wow. He's a king with bad breath I didn't even have to I didn't even have to say anything. I he was popping listerine breast strips. Oh wait Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. The whole time. Wait, so you didn't... Wait, first of all, all hail King Stank.

So without you saying anything, he knows he has someone else got to him. That's what I think. I mean, I have no idea, but I definitely wasn't gonna say anything about it after that. Were you prepared to pull the trigger on some of the stuff we talked about? I wrote down the joke. Do you have any other jokes in front of you? I know we were pitching. No, I threw him away, but it was definitely going down. I didn't know you went down on my butt.

Yeah, Gareth was on the call. That's correct. It was Gareth. For a moment, I was like, you threw it out. And then I heard what I pitched and I'm like, that's a lot of garbage. Throw it out. Okay. So he somehow had gotten the memo from someone else.

So he had good breath the whole weekend? He had a good breath the whole weekend. I have since been back out to New York and something like shifted and now we're like, we like profess love. But like, we don't want to tell our friend group that lives in New York because his ex is part of our friend group. So there's different, the bad breath was not the drama. The drama is happening now. And what's the drama now? The ex walk us through that. He doesn't want to tell anybody because his ex-wife is part of our friend group. And that bums me out. Macy, I don't love that. I don't love it either. You wanna be Miss Toreen.

That's tough. That's tough. So his ex-wife is in the group of friends so he wants to keep, you said he is the king in your court, but for you, you might be the lady on the other side of the moat in some little hut that the prince disappears to and goes

like I've got to run it out and my uh put the drawbridge down I'm gonna go pick some apples and then they his uh the queen goes why is your breath so minty and he goes never mind can't a fella take care of some halitosis in peace and you're going like this in your hut you're like this okay if his breath is bad say I don't remember you eating my butt yeah may see we might have let you down the wrong path so basically so basically now the new issue is you want to kind of be recognized for what you are. Garf, we might be putting an issue in Macy's mouth. Is there an issue, Macy?

Yes, a little bit. There is for, definitely. You know, like I'm not like PDA, but I, he was actively sitting the farthest seat away when we went out to hang out with our friends. So you're having a secret relationship in the friend group, basically. Yeah, and that doesn't feel right. Question, does he have kids with his ex?

No. No. How long would you say you two have felt like a couple? It's not, but it isn't like a couple thing. It's just like the feeling shifted and we have to acknowledge that. But we've known each other for 12 years. But you have both told each other, you said these feelings are pretty real. Yeah, just like that too.

And then how long? That's because you guys both know romance. I wish you could have seen Jake's face when he said that, he was so, I think it's the sweetest I've seen him. These feelings are pretty real. What I call the old panty dropper, Gareth. When I say that, the panties drop. So, but okay, so Maisie, how long was he with his ex? I think you said that, but just to be clear.

You know, I don't know I probably like Five or six years. Okay Look, I just want to say got married. Here's the thing before they got married He said he wanted to date me and I said some bullshit like you're saying you don't like me You just like the idea of me. What a great line from a 90s romcom. You are a movie preview. And you were fucking ripping a Parliament Light cigarette and wearing a leather jacket.

Yeah. While he was eating some fertilizer. Yeah. And he was like, but after you said it, he went like, Holy shit, dude, she's deep. I do just like the idea of her.

And then he goes, I mean, I also think she's really hot, but I guess it's the idea of her. And then he goes, I mean, I also think she's really hot, but I guess it's the idea of her being really hot. He stressed me out so much, I'm smoking cloves again. And he got cool. So he said, you said you just like the idea of me. And he went like, ooh, and fell into a marriage with somebody for five years. Yes, exactly. And now he's fallen back into the Macy territory. What would you say, Jake? Because this is what I would say.

I would say I understand what you're feeling because it's kind of awkward. But I think you got to give it a minute. It's you know, you can't kind of rush someone to get comfortable with that situation. I think if we were talking about you guys have been together for like a year. Can I interrupt you for a second Garfin? I think you already did. So this sounds like Bob Seeger wrote a song called We've Got Tonight. And the whole song is him singing to the audience.

Don't worry about anything. I'm on the road. We're both lonely. Let's have sexual intercourse tonight. He was directly singing to the audience. This is Gareth singing right now, singing to all the women who are gonna listen. Don't tell anybody, give it time. I'll come around.

Give it time. I know you feel like a secret, but you're not. But you're not. We got tonight, both of us lonely. So basically, I'm not Bobby Seeger. I'm more Jimmy Croce, right? So let me sing a different tune. I got the hair. If if I let it go it gets curly and I have a born mustache. So let me give you this He's in New York. You're in Portland, right?

Right. So what are we talking about? You're only secret in New York, right? And how long are you? I'm moving to New York. Oh you are? I'm moving back to New York. Okay, so then how about this? Are you moving to be with him or are you just moving? No, I'm just moving. Okay, so when you move and you've landed, I think that's the time to say, if we're really doing this, we can't be pretending like we don't know each other. But for now, while you're still in Portland and he's in New York, I would say let's do

the garroth and give it a little bit of time What do you think of that Macy? I think that is what I was leaning towards anyways I got I got a lot of work to do and I got to get out there first. So today Yeah, it's a move then you got to realize do you want to have a boyfriend once you land in the Big Apple? Yeah, yeah, I mean you got decisions to do you want to? You should you want to date a guy whose breath smells like he ate your butt before he kissed you. These are thoughts.

These are the real thoughts. What you've got to say to him is right. We've got tonight. Who needs tomorrow? Let's make it last. Let's find a way. Turn out the light. Come take my hand. Now we've got tonight, babe. Why don't you stay? Say, say, whatever.

That could have gone better. Thank you. Thank you. I think, I think, I think Jake's right. I think we're all kind of saying the same thing. Even you, you know, don't, don't push it. If it's meant to be, it'll be meant to be. And if it goes away, and if it goes away, remember it goes away remember that without a mint

His breath smells like ass. Yes That is an easy thing when you look back and go I'm kind of getting over him in a hurry You get in morning when you wake up in the morning. He's got fucking butt mouth. Yeah Fucking butt mouth. Yeah. That's disgusting, dude. And you know it. It is. You know it.

That's all you have to think about. We've had people call in and have like projects. We had a woman who was with a guy and he sat on her bed and he left a skid mark of dump on her sheet and she still wanted to date him. It was him who broke up with her. So you have a guy right now who wants to keep you a secret and he literally has ass breath. So if it goes sideways, Macy,

I promise you there's other fish in the sea whose breath might be a tad better. Speaking of fish in the sea, that's what he still smells like. I would also say, is there a better commercial for these Listerine strips? I mean, Jesus Christ, talk about a turnaround. Macy, our advice to you, first of all, thank you for calling back and remembering what a joy it is to chat with you. Second, just get to New York first and see what happens, then follow up with us and we'll walk you through what you do with butt breath then. Yeah, that's right. And remember and remember on behalf of the show if you've got breath that smells like a latrine solve that problem with Listerine. Yay thank you, big finish, thank you guys so much. Thanks Macy.

We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKee. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike. D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com.

All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.