We're Here to Help - 67: Rangers Range

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about a deer situation getting out of hand and a bartender’s dilemma. Later, they follow up with the first caller from episode 59 “Spraying Mess” and a special guest from earlier this week. Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Ad-Free Episodes, Bonus Calls and Behind the Scenes): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We are back Garth man. And you said you have to go. Where are you going? I'm going to have someone look at my knee. What happened to your knee? I don't know. I like it was my first time as an adult where I'm like I'm old because like I slipped and something's happened.

So you feel like you might have torn something. Yeah I think I have a tear. What a nightmare. Yeah, I think I have a tear what a nightmare Yeah, it's gonna suck, but I found there my friend Lacey recommended this great guy cuz I'm barely home. Yeah, so like I like he will see me So I'm like, are you considering if he recommends surgery or would I would do whatever you would? Yeah, so how bad's your pain? it's not too bad like recreationally, but then it's like Like when I flew yesterday on American Airlines,

it isn't a company, they suck. I would get up and it would like, the ache is so bad. Like on a flight, especially when they screw you all day. We used to, we nicknamed Gareth 87 Oldsmobile. Oh dude. And in my phone, maybe until this podcast, I just had as 87. Well, because we used to play frizz ball. Yes dude. And in my phone, maybe until this podcast, I just had as 87. Well, because we used to play frisbee. Yes, but when he plays sports, his body, he's lagging 87 Oldsmobile.

We're like, he doesn't go very fast. He's not quick. He'll take nasty falls, but he never got hurt. He never stopped. We used to play frisbee football, a game that Jake Rule Book came up with, and basically ultimate frisbee, but more football mixed in mixed in and I mean we would go to this park and we would like haul ass So I would like run sprint but there were like holes on this and Gary and you yeah Massive tumble Tom big time and I didn't have health insurance But also the thing about Gareth which is interesting to know and I don't think it's changed. He never made an adjustment thing about Gareth which is interesting to know and I don't think it's changed he never made an adjustment there would be a hole yeah and it would be like go Garth it's a far throw and he would go and I'm not kidding some of his falls it

would be like his foot went in yeah and we would all be like fuck that's it go like that's it he's gone like this Oldsmobile broke down forever and then Gareth would be like ah I'll play it off and then he would get up like kick his leg weird It's like it that's what I call them 87 old mobile would be somebody who's the car smokes coming out? And then they just walk by and go like what yeah, and then the car the engine is right over Yeah, so maybe don't start going to doctors because I'll tell you I don't like this advice You go to a take an 87 knows my little mechanic. They open they open up the hood, they're gonna go like, this is like a Yahtzee dice in the middle that holds your engine. Yeah, she still runs. Once you start looking at it.

You gotta start it with a screwdriver. Yes, but you're still moving. I think you're right, you don't want to be careful. Remove blocks from a Jenga tower. And then all of a sudden you go like, you know what else he found? What? My hips are totally out of alignment. Yeah. And you go, there's a lot wrong. There is a lot wrong. It'll be very, it'll be very interesting. I think it's, I, I don't know.

I've never had an injury like this. So this is bad. It's something. Yeah. I mean, it's been like five weeks and I'm like, something's going on. What a drag. Yeah. So it's going to suck, but, uh, but that's where I got to go.

And, uh, I do yoga. You do? Yeah. I think that's what got me through frizzball Like I think like a lot of NFL players, you know remember NFL they do yoga and stuff like that And that's how they like can sustain and carry through you connected yourself to it NFL player doing yoga because we played frizzball So we're also going to do something for our Patreon where we are going to- First time hearing of it. Yes.

Second time trying to nail it. And that is we are going to, we've been sitting and chatting with the guests more and we're adding kind of third segments. We are gonna add that to our Patreon early. So that's gonna come at least a day before the episode, maybe even earlier, but we're gonna start releasing certain calls

in certain chats early there, and then everybody else, you will catch it eventually on the show. So if you're a Gilly Bean or a one and two or a helper, join our Patreon for extra stuff and to hear that stuff. Ladies and gentlemen, enjoy the show. Beb, beb, beb, beb, beb, beb, beb, beb, beb, beb, beb, beb. Hello.

Hi, welcome to We're Here to Help. Thank you. Thank you for calling. Can we get your name, please? My name is Elaine. Elaine. Where are you calling from, Elaine? I am calling from Washington State.

Ah, okay. General. And what can we do for you today? So I am calling today because I work as a park ranger and the park that I work at has a lot of deer. They have become very tame, but they are still very dangerous. They have things like ticks, Lyme disease, and I've seen them literally attack like small children and dogs. Wait, you've seen a deer attack a small kid? The fuck outta here!

Yeah. Yes. What happened? Walk us through what you saw. They think that you're going to feed them. So kids go up to them like, oh, I'm going to pet the deer. The deer is coming up to me. Like, what's a kid dog interaction is what it looks like.

The deer realizes the kid doesn't have food and then it gets really mad and will basically just attack these kids. I like this. This is a metaphor of our podcast. And what is the deer? Do you watch the deer when it attacks? Is it a face to face? Is it like a ram? Kangaroo? Is it a kick? By the way, I've watched great videos of an Australian of guys literally boxing with kangaroos in water. Oh yeah. No, they're, that's great. They just straight up box. They're like, the kangaroos got their dog.

And you'll just have an Australian guy go like, put down my fucking dog, man. Then boom, they start fighting. So what does this deer do when they fight? How does a deer fight is my question. Yes, so if it's a male deer, like with antlers, they will use those, which is horrifying. Cause that's basically like they have like swords on their head spirit a little kid

That's oh, how about a lady deer? Yeah lady deer. They're kicking. They've yeah a doe They've got you know those strong hooves that so it does like a turnaround donkey. Oh, she does like a turnaround donkey Yeah, yeah, it's like a trample. It is not pretty to know you're talking about that front two-leg kick like it's a cat Dough or whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, right depends on like this So, all right, so You're a park ranger. There's deer that people think are nice and it's just beating the hell out of dogs and some kids Very interesting setup. This is a movie I'm interested in watching. At this point I've got the popcorn ready. Where are we at?

Yes. So the issue arises is I basically spend my whole summer trying to like not let this happen, trying to keep campers away from deer. Yes. But my mom is part of this story. Her name's Heather. And her top of like her bucket list item is to find a deer shed. This is an antler that has fallen off of a male deer. People will find these to collect them, use them for decorations in their home. My mom just has always wanted to find them. She's a little weird like that.

And she's come into the park in a couple weeks and has basically been calling me like, Hey, do the deer still have their antlers? Do the deer still like Cheetos as snacks? To get to get them close? Yeah. She's basically insinuating that she is more than willing to now feed. She's basically said that she's going to like wrestle a deer the next time she's here, which is in a couple weeks. And my question is, how do I stop my mom from basically feeding, capturing, wrestling a wild deer because part of my job is trying to stop this anyway. Easy, easy. Well, first of all, your mother wants to wrestle a deer,

you gotta let the old bird fight. I'm gonna just jump in and say once again, we have different takes, which is what I love about the show. Keep going, buddy. If that old dog wants to fight the old deer at a certain point, I would say my mother who's listening, if Eve Johnson said to me, I'm going to go in the woods and fight a deer, I'd go like this.

Sorry for the deer. Yeah. I would feel bad for the deer. I'll go, you tell that big buck with his horns. You got another thing coming. Fat boy got an Eve tick. He's got that deer is going to walk in confident, walk out a different animal. He comes back with antlers on. He's dead. How old is your mother, Elaine?

She'll be turning 50 this year. You said 50. Yeah? How old are you? Yep. I'm 42. 50, 50. I'm, I'm 23. Okay, all right. I gotta say, your mother's in the age range.

Yeah, but I think as you said, Elaine Park Ranger. Yeah, older. I put you older. 33. I was maybe a decade more. Okay, all right, yeah. So to hear, when you were talking about, you're talking about a 50 year old lady? That lady can kill. Well, I'm ripped. I was a decade more. Okay. All right. Yeah.

So to hear when you were talking about, you're talking about a 50 year old lady. That lady can kill. I'm 50. I can kick. I can punch. That's a 50 year old lady, man. She's in the prime of her fighting years. I, again, I'm going to push back, but I do think it gets a little more interesting.

If she was 75 years old, 80, you protect those hips. Absolutely. You got a 50 year old lady who wants to go in the woods and fight a deer, good luck. Yeah, find a little young one. But I have a real pitch for you, Alay. And it takes a little bit of sneakery, but the truth is, we're your friends

and your whole job is keeping people away from the deer and then your own mother's gonna give the goddamn deer Cheetos, it makes you look like a clown. Yeah, it's crazy. Can't do that. So here's what you do. You find, what is it called, the deer shed? You find a shed. Yes, deer antler.

Deer antler. Okay. You find some antlers, you tuck them away. Okay. When your mom comes on the first day. This is good. You hide them, then you take a hike. She discovers them. Easter egg it.

You Easter egg it. She freaks out. You go, so it's actually full size. That's a full size deer shed. She goes, I can't believe my luck. And then you go, let's celebrate and eat all these cheetos. Yeah. Well, because now we don't have to wrestle a cheetah, a deer and feed a cheetah.

I got what you wanted. That is pretty good. I also feel like that's what Ch a cheetah, a deer, and feed a cheetah. We got what you wanted. That is pretty good. I also feel like that's what Chester Cheetah would do. I have a different version. Jake's, I think, is better. First of all, there should also be a little bar opened in this park called the Deer Shed. I'd go there for a pop or two.

I don't disagree. Thank you. I like that one. My pitch was going to be, if that is not feasible for some reason a Week before she comes out you miss a call from her you call her back six hours later You had a crazy day one deer went ape shit On a person who had fed them the family kind of got around and they just like ping Ponged this poor woman back and forth. I like this.

It was a 50, 55 year old woman and it busted up her hips. 49. 49 year old woman and it busted up her hips. She's real bad. The lady would never walk again. They had to chop her to the hospital. It's bad, so there's extra scrutiny, but it's still exciting for your visit, but we're going to have to be a little careful.

That would be the alt pitch to yours. I like yours better though because- I think they can go together. Interesting. Okay. Yeah. So, Elaine, as we're talking about this, are we entering a zone that you find attractive? Yes, I like stepping away from letting my mother actually fight a deer. You're into that. So I'm liking the direction we're going.

Okay, so we see you had to dig at me a little bit. You've heard my voice. I don't. I didn't know. I mean, it was directed. So you know what you just did? I was a little kid walking up with Cheetos, and your deer kicked me in the face. That's very true.

So Jake was so vulnerable. And you just kicked at me. Jake wanted to be buddies. How you feeling, Elaine? Yeah, I mean, I don't like the stupid version, so let's figure it out. OK, all right. OK. I really like we're stupid version, so let's figure it out. Okay. All right.

Okay. I really like we're going in a direction that's not the worst idea I've ever heard, but I'm the biggest idiot, and I have to go like, I can't even sell you it. I wanted to go, that was Garrett's idea. But you so clearly hated it. So Elaine, here's where we're at. What do you think about the old Easter egg routine? Yeah, I think that's possibly an option.

The issue is, is I have been looking for like deer antlers like around the park. I have been having like an issue finding them. So I don't know like maybe it's not something you can get on Amazon. I guarantee it. One of those like fish and tackle shops in Washington. They sell them. What do you think about the what do you think about the lie? one of those like fish and tackle shops in Washington. They have they sell them. What do you think about that?

What do you think about the lie? I'm I'm a pretty bad liar. So let me let me pitch you. So let me pitch you something. You ever heard of Freddy Krueger? Yes. Yeah, thank God. And what do you know about Freddy Krueger? Isn't he like scary, like Freddy Krueger?

He was like a list of short. What else? Let me look. No, I don't want you to look. So what you know about Freddy Krueger is very little but here's what all you do know about him is he's really scary right? And when the kids would go to sleep Freddy Krueger would haunt your dreams and it just made sleeping scary. So maybe this is all we need. We need to create the Ferretti Kruger of the deer community and here's what I mean okay I can't wait you just plant the seed that there's one deer right now that is terrorizing people you

haven't seen it you don't have to jaws deer a jaws deer and you haven't seen it so your lie doesn't have to be big, but you go, mom, I just gotta warn you, it's not rabies, they don't know what it is, but there is a deer right now, and they don't know if it's a female or a male, but it's terrorizing people and it's very violent, so we're not making a big thing to scare everybody,

but we are being told very clearly to warn people to stay 20 feet away from deer. Most of them, Mom, you're right. They'll eat corn out of your hand. You could pet them. They're like dogs. Yep. But we have one Freddy Krueger out here.

I think that's pretty good. I think if it's word coming from the top that you can't do that and if you create Just the fear of God. The big buck. And you don't know, it's either a female or a male. But there is a violent deer. It just makes you look at the woods differently.

And if you have trouble lying, what you might wanna do, I mean again, we're just doubling down on the lie you could Fabricate a headline or something like that and send it to your mom and go this is what I'm dealing with this week Is this stupid and don't just do it for the fun of doing it because if this is stupid I don't want to do it. Is there any way we can know but and I was meaning that word agarve Can we carry it like a little radio play? Yes Yes about I know you're just saying yes, cuz you want to do the voice. Well, we need We need to make sure it's the right idea

I think it's like if we do a war of the world style and that you could send this to your mom They call it mother bucker. Well, it's not from the 1930s. No, I know we'll find it That's where Kevin comes in No, we're giving comes in it's where we all come in It's where you we come in and we come in and this might just want to be a part of the project No, you just want to be the lead of the anything. I just want to be on board I just want to run the project Just want to be the star of it nobody else can be a part of

I want to ruin it with a lady voice. By the way, starting that bit, I just want to be part of the project. And nobody interrupts you. You negotiate against yourself. I just want to be a part of the project. I just want to be a big part of the project. I just want to be the only one in the project. I don't want anyone else to talk.

Everyone's fired. Close set. All right. I just want to run the whole thing. I don't care if it works. I just want to talk, talk, talk, talk. Kevin, get outta here. You're done, kid.

So, Alain, before we go down this road, cause it might just be a waste, is there a world that we can connect this to, there's something that in your world, you could justify that there was a report sent to you and you could send your mother this audio with an email saying, just as a heads up, this is being sent around in the ranger community. This is from like one of the head rangers about this deer.

Ranger Danger Podcast. So that you don't, but the mom can't look it up. She can't Google it. So it's just sent to the rangers. And so it would be a report and the start of it would be like, you know, like a lot of rainfall. It's a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then to transition into the, you know, it's like good morning, Vietnam, where then you hear like, in other news, we need to actually send out a warning here. And then it's about this violent deal.

We are pleased. We are keeping people away. And in other news, and in other nudes, and then it cuts off. And you could send that to your mom with an email saying, heads up about your trip, this is going around, we probably need to stay clear of the deer. You can do it via text or via email,

therefore you don't have to lie. She just writes back, ooh, scary, thanks for the heads up. I like it. I know you like it. No, no, we like it. Gareth is gonna try to do multiple voices, and then I know you like it. Yeah. No, no, we like it. All right. Gareth is going to try to do multiple voices and then I'm going to have to stay cut. Well, you should have said good morning Vietnam.

To be fair, if you wanted to keep me in the cage, you shouldn't have said good morning Vietnam. Go ahead, Elaine, what do you think of that idea? But in the good morning Vietnam, I don't see you as Robin Williams. I see him as his replacement, Bruno Kurden, for that sequence. Stop it. Jake, that's a hurtful thing to say.

Come on, you don't mean that. I don't mean that. I don't mean that. Well, I'm doing the joke voices too. Why does everybody matter to me? I'm here to make him seem really good. What a great movie. Great movie. So Elaine, is there a way you could justify that email?

And if we nail this, would you actually send that to your mom? Yes, yeah, I think so. I could definitely make it look like it's coming from my work email. So you could figure out how to do that. Like this is really official from the park. Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. Give me three buzzwords I can start with

so I sound official, and then Gareth is gonna interrupt and he's got info about the deer. And then I'm gonna start talking and once we get in there it's gonna cut off because the only thing that was sent to you was this thing about your mom. I just need terms so I'm literally not saying like the mud is getting bad in the grassy area.

Which is true by the way. Yes. The mud's never been worse in the grassy area. For sure. Okay. It is muddy but we can go, there's mountains here, there's a lake lake like tall standing trees Wow

Elaine what is your role title Ranger? I'm liking my first idea. Let's have your mom fight the thing Specific things yeah, there's grass there's air what about sky do you have that? There's beer poo Yeah, there's a lot of dear poo Are you a ranger are you comfortable saying that yeah? Yes? I am a ranger, so I can't give We're gonna do it your mom's not gonna be able to figure that she's an old woman. She's 50. That's cool. All right, so you know what we're gonna do. Your mom's not gonna be able to figure it out. He's an old woman, she's 50 for God's sake. Here's what we're gonna do, Alain. And we're gonna need your participation in this.

We're gonna do one, then we're gonna stop, and we're gonna need your real notes if you're gonna send it. The point of this is not for you and your mom to laugh at it. The point is, is for your mother to believe that this is a real thing that Rangers were sent to you. And if there's an Easter egg in there

that makes someone laugh, that's great. But the point is, we are trying to get your mom not to wrestle deer and give them Cheetos, correct? So you, Elaine, we can't be the judges of this because we're gonna be doing it. We need your honest take, Is that okay? Yes. So we're going to, we're going to start in three. Well, there's a lot of rain in the low mountain range. I just want everyone to take that extra cautious.

If you're hiking in the low mountain ranges, um, there is, uh, puddles. We've, uh, reports of tractors getting stopped. There was a lot of rain. If you're hiking in the low mountain ranges, there is puddles. We've reports of tractors getting stopped. There was a Polaris that couldn't make its way out. So if you are traveling near the lower mountain range, just be very careful of your vehicle getting stuck, of course. And Ranger Rick, before we keep moving, first of all, the rain, the precipitation also is in the higher, uh, elevations as well.

Um, but, uh, what we've all been talking about this week is, uh, what some have aptly called the jaws of deer as far as we have a big buck who's running a bit of a terror. Well, I don't think we could say for sure if it's male or female at this point. We can't, but we would say some of the patterns make us feel like we're leaning male But either way, it's very important over the next month or two until we can actually track what we're dealing with that

We just make sure that none none of the visitors of the park are getting anywhere near any of the deer We couldn't recommend enough to please stay away from deer. There have been reports of kicks. There have been reports of broken hips. Well, this is the first time we've seen a deer that is maybe predatory. So there seems to be a bit of targeting. So please spread the word that we're recommending 20 feet. And we always want people to steer clear of any of the wildlife, but we're just saying specifically for the rest of this year in particular We just cannot be trying to engage in any way We've also seen a lot of the rainfall is affecting the tree growth in the southeastern Elaine

Yes. Yep. What do you think? I liked it. That was good. I love the the note about precipitation We're getting quite a bit of that right now So is something that is this something that we will send you just that audio you will send to your mom You will send us the photo of the email in the screen grab Yeah, and then the respond you'll send us all the responses for the follow-up with your mom on it. Yeah Yeah, for sure block on that and and I, honestly, I get accused of making this show about myself a lot from Jake, but can we just talk about how grounded that performance was?

Elaine, thank you so much for the good thing. Thank you, thank you. That's all I'm asking for. That was great. I mean, we really did it. There was no silly places. Can we do one more, Gareth? Pretend I'm not being mean.

Oh, great. Okay? Any way you want. Okay. Yes, let's party anywhere You want okay, and then when we come off of this Elaine This is gonna be the end of the call and we're gonna really ask for a follow. Okay. Okay We are noticing the the the rainfall in the southeast area near Jack Let me jump in because once again we are getting lots of scary scary scary readouts up here in tower four we got him these the jaws of deer we call a mother buck or he is a beast a lot of people saying he's walking on his only back legs and six-pack abs is what we're

after look we don't want to scare any people so you just tell them do not feed the deer don't feed any of the wildlife god damn it but this guy is targeting we're talking about I I'm not going to be blunt, but I will say we have seen bites. This thing seems to be some sort of rabid wild deer. He's turning humans into venison as far as we could tell. And it is, it is brutal. I saw a disemboweled child. I mean, this kid had been shredded.

With your own eyes. Shredded with my own eyes. And then I've also seen pictures of other ones, but these kids are torn up. It looks like. Look, I'm not, listen, I don't want to freak people out, but we're starting to think he's maybe taking the heads of, of people and using

them as trophies. Wow. So we're talking about an animal now that is doing what we have done to the deer population for awhile and he's spinning it and he's taking the heads of humans and possibly putting it on a wall or a tree as a trophy i mean this is some sick shit again this is just for rangers let me be honest we're dealing with some sick shit

we're gonna try to kill this son of a bitch we're gonna hunt him down and we're gonna kill him we're gonna smoke him out but until we do it's important that if there's anyone over forty thirty five forty nine they cannot go anywhere near the vicinity of a dear strange ages you just did i'm just giving you a range that i think it was on the range of the what we do rangers range okay shut up those good so so we really need to make sure that people steer clear there can be no chips no snacks nothing can be fed to these these guys

because is this this guy is wild He is a wild bastard and he took he took the only the only friend My best friend Bradley was Was declared missing 48 hours ago and all that I saw Near where they think he was is a trail of blood that matches matches him and I'm gonna I'm gonna I'm gonna bring down some

revenge on this guy even if it kills me so just make sure to steer clear okay Okay. A doe, a deer, a female deer. Goodbye everybody. So you have two options. Kevin will send both. Thank you for that. This episode is brought to you by ZockDoc. ZockDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network doctors near you and instantly book appointments with them online. Garf, what does that mean to you? Well, it means a lot because, as you know, my mother was in town for a while.

She had a hip replacement and it was crazy. It was a crazy situation and there were so many times, so many things like complications were popping up and there were multiple times where we wanted to find a doctor appointment quickly, somewhere close. You used ZocDoc. Yeah, you would use ZocDoc because it's just so much harder if you're just like, you know, like using search engines to try to find someone and then you call. Do they take your insurance? Yeah, but the problem is it's all there. For all the problem with also just searching it is all the ads pop up.

Yes. And what I like, I actually use Zoc Doc since we started doing it. I do like that it keeps it really clean and you could put all your information in. Yeah. Did you use ZocDoc for your knee? I did use ZocDoc for my knee, which I am going to get an MRI on. But we don't think it's a tear. That's the good news. But I am going to get an MRI. The doctor report back. It's just an old man's knee. It's actually pretty much what it sounds like. That's what a doctor said to me about my hip. I'm getting to the point where it's sad when doctors are just like, yeah, you're just the...

I've had a doctor who looked at my body and then went like this, well, you're mid-40s, yeah? Ugh, what a jerk. Well, that guy's hopefully not on Zoc Doc, but again, it really does. It filters specifically for doctors that take your insurance located near you, treat basically, and again, you can get an appointment quickly.

You can also get it same day. That's absolutely right, Jake, if you're lucky. That's right, Gil Buchanan, ones and twos, 68, balmy. Don't worry about it, that's right. I've been kept in the closet for a while on this show, but I'm back for the ads. Good to see you brother. You literally never left. Wherever the best time of the world, go to ZocDoc.com slash HTH and download the ZocDoc app for free. Did you hear how much that cost you? Free! Free, that's right! And then find and book a top rated doctor today.

That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash H-T-H. ZocDoc dot com slash H-T-H. Biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz, biz. Hello? Hello there. Hi. Clear that throat. It's showtime. You're on, we're here to help America's number one podcast.

Nobody Google it. You're on with Jake Johnson, Gareth Reynolds. Can we get some information like your name, where you're calling from, and rough age, something like that. Yeah. So my name is Edna. I'm 35. Not hearing a lot of Edna's anymore.

It's nice to hear. Yes, yes. Is that your real name, Edna? Edna, is'm not hearing a lot of Edna's anymore. It's nice to hear. Yes. Yes. Is that your real name, Edna? Edna, is that real? It really is.

Okay. How old are you? Seventy-five. I'm 35. Sorry, 35. Yeah. Then calling from the Montgomery County, Bucks County area in Pennsylvania. Lovely. Gorgeous. Don't really know it. What I will say, there's a lot going on on this call, Edna, that I'm liking.

Yeah. In your vibe, I'm liking your selling where you're from. I'm liking that you give a real name. I got to tell you what this problem is not going to be, and that's your personality. Right. Or your or your or your ability to be honest with yourself and others. So where are we at here? Exactly. Now we're talking. So I'm definitely giving real information because I'm kind of excited about this call. I won't give the person I'm calling about name, but I just hope that people hear and

are like, oh my God, because I'm a bartender. What you want the people in your community to know. I just think it would be really funny if you could. So let's start with this, Edna. What's the name of the bar you work at? Okay, so it's called Angelo's. It's an Italian restaurant. And what's the name of the town that Angelo's is in? Uh, it's in Horsham. All right, Angelo's. So if you're near... What's the city again, Jake? Horsham? Is that right? Uh, Horsham. Horsham. Horsham. Horsham? So if you're traveling through Horsham. Horsham.

So if you're traveling through Horsham, Pennsylvania, go to Angelo's for the best Italian food in Horsham. By the way, ugh, it's the name of the town. I'll tell you what I don't want in Horsham is Luguini.

I feel like I'm going to get like an equine burger in Horsham. I'm not looking for any sauces horse. Give me a fucking turkey sandwich. You want mayo not from When I try horse, it was special gravy. You want something to drink if it's in a fucking can my guy and I open it in Horsham We're joking everybody in Horsham who's listening who's friends with Edna. Relax. Kevin's telling us our Horsham numbers Just take we went from nine until to seven All right. So you work at Angelo's it's an Italian spot. The fake person's name is going to be what let's just get a fake name Edna we're gonna call him Chad Chad perfect name. Okay. All right. so now you take over we're gonna stop talking

We're gonna stop the impulse is to talk for a comedic timing, but I'll stop say that word again No, go ahead Horsham. Are you there? Okay, go ahead you're the boss Okay, so Chad has been a... at the bar that i work at uh... for and i've started with about five years ago uh... and in the last two years we've had them incident in where uh...

it one where he just did not pay for a tab uh... but he got away with it because he's sort of friends with the owner with the the man the general manager and And then most recently a couple days ago Was there with friends kept me there about an hour and a half past closing time, which is supposed to be nine o'clock This is a nightmare. He wouldn't leave Wrapped up a larger tab like there and the other couples that he was with they're're all also regular. So it wasn't like a big deal. And like, you know,

at the time I was like, you know, it is what it is. I'll get some stuff done, whatever. Um, but then it goes time to close and is, you know, you racked up quite a large bill and just, he asked me, he said, do you want me to tip on the card or cash? And I said, you know what? It really doesn't matter anymore. Pennsylvania, change the laws. They can't charge us, you know, for credit card fees. So you're good. You can do whatever you want to do.

And he's like, you want cash, don't you? And I'm like, sure. Cash is great. Um, and then he filled out the tab and he leaves nothing and then they stay for like another 30 minutes. Yeah. So it's just like, I'm kind of maybe a couple too many So he might have been a little drunk, you know, it was for sure. He's got a drinking problem Yeah, his brain is mashed potatoes. Yeah

Exactly. So but this is the first time so, you know, I'm still a little salty from about like a year ago Sure, when he just didn't pay the tab at all But the owner said it was fine and then he just never really came back to like hey as far as I know He never came back to pay it. I definitely never said like sorry You're talking about a guy who's blacked out drunk, Edna Do you think he's blackout drunk or an asshole or both? Um, it's a little bit of a combination of both I'm gonna jump and I gotta jump in for a quick second here cuz there might be a way with Chad and it might be Something so the other night our friend Derek Waters creator of drunk history threw a little party at some steak place near Burbank a

Bunch of people were there we were with Eric Edelstein numbers. Are we talking how many people 12 15 small tight group? Yeah, I didn't get the nod but okay. Um, yeah, I you guys are buds, no? We follow each other on stuff, so. Oh, never mind. Be nice. He's got a whole group of boss and friends. They don't invite me to anything. That's facts. You know that.

OK, yeah. OK, yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the story is not because I've had too much coffee and I talk too much. The reason I tell this story is that there's a point, what's the point, what's the point, think fast, think fast, drowning, drowning. Here's the point. At a certain point of the meal, Eric said, everybody pay me cash and I'll pay the card. Great. What a hero. Right?

And then you don't have to worry about it. Yes. And it's not annoying for the server. And so it was wonderful. So I looked at him the way I look at that guy and and I go like, full love, God bless this asshole. So we all threw our money, blah, blah, blah. We're all talking. The night's going great.

We leave. Eric and I were going back to Derek's, and I said, you know what, Eric, let's be those guys and get a bunch of booze and bring it so that everybody can have some if they want. Were more people coming to this event, or it was still the same group? No, same group.

So you weren't picking up any new people at this point? No. Okay. We picked up a lot of your Emerson group Evan was there, okay? Isn't it? The entire crew of the dollop Dave Anthony came oh, that's interesting. I would really that seems crazy No, okay, super fun. Okay cool. All right keep going to you guys had a lot of long story short. We're in a Liquor store, and we get a call from Derek. I get a call and he said, hey man, you just put me in a bad spot. And I said, why? And he goes, because you guys dined and

ditched. And our other friend who was the hostess at the place said like, nobody knows what to do, but you guys walked out on like an $800 bill. And so I go to Eric and I go, Hey, did you not pay? And he goes, Oh my God, brother. But when I called him on it, I go, are you trying to sneak money? He goes, I swear on my life, I have no memory of this. I thought I paid. So we went back and paid. So the reason I say that is there's a chance

That Chad is not doing a move He just that first night didn't think about it. Then he thought he was giving you cash. He thought he laid it down So I think we're entering a world Edna of a when he first gets there before that sweet nectar Starts going down his throat Before he has his first drink. Are you okay? No. A way to describe alcohol, sweet nectar going down your throat? How would you describe it?

Go ahead, I don't wanna stop you, but it's just. Was that a weird way of saying it? Well, it's just a weird way to make it a throwaway. Like that would be something you would tell a therapist. As a bartender, it sounds pretty accurate. Thanks, Edna. I also worked in bars and restaurants for a long time. And maybe I also have a drinking problem and I'm covering it up by pretending that that wasn't okay and all I'm thinking about is vino.

Go ahead, Jake. He garroted the silver spoons of our show. He's never worked that. He's been getting spoon fed. So we're doing bar talk and he doesn't get it. What's a bar? You know what you mean when my butler pours my appetizer. So Edna, don't listen to him. What's about you? You know what you mean? When my butler pours my appetite. So I don't listen to him. He's out of line.

But here's what I would say. I think you are entering a problem. If you don't go head on with Chad. So I would say when he comes in, you lead out and you could do it in the old fashion of a mean joke where he goes, Hey, how you doing? And let me get a triple vodka. Nothing in it. No ice. Nothing. You go, I'm happy to do it, Chad. I go, you're going to pay this time because you're over to my king.

Yeah. And he goes, what are you talking about? And you bring up the things and you have the numbers. So he goes, I didn't pay that time. And you go, no, and you didn't tip. And then the other time you told me cash, you didn't pay. So you're right now in the hole to me. You 20% of all this I'm looking at I'm down 180 bucks Chadley listen you are really you're Dennis Miller in the last the name a lot which I like what do you what do you think Edna do you think he is

because I think that's good advice I think like if he doesn't remember I think that's a good way to like, like I think if I was in that position, I would be like, oh shit, I fucked up, and I would do it. If you think it's more malicious, I have a tactic to fight back in a different way. But what do you think, do you think that's his head space? He's just too drunk?

I don't, so it's probably a combination of him being a Chad. Like he definitely has been born a Chad. And then partly, probably the booth doesn't help. So that's why I wanted to- Someone named Edna, name shaming is fantastic. Excellent, Edna. He's a total fucking Chad and you're a total Edna.

Yeah. Take that how you want it. I'm definitely a Edna for sure. But by the way, that's a compliment. Yeah. And so that's why, yeah, I wanna handle it properly because I don't think he is malicious. Quick pause, can I jump in for a second, Edna?

And if this goes sideways, just move past where we were. Have you had somebody say your name in the heat of passion? Wow. Like in an angry way? No, in like a hot sexual way like oh blank oh blank oh Not usually it's usually always like our nicknames, okay You have nicknames for love making yeah, but let's not get into that cuz we're gonna go to different But it's never brought us here fine. What are they hanging out in the city? It took me to

I'm just in the horse show more wherever the fuck it's yeah, so we're in Horsham We're at Angelo's and we're from Horsham. We're not loving the noodles, but we're chubby guys, so we're eating them I'm not thrilled to spend nine dollars on a fettuccine Alfredo, but I'm drinking it like it's soup So nobody ever said you've never had a moment where it's like they say Edna in the throes of desire No, okay, okay. Okay, I could keep going, but I won't. Okay, so, well, since it sounds like we got a combination here.

No, get the nasty one. If you got a nasty, if you got, let's go ahead and get the nasty one. No, it's not nasty. Well, she said that, well, she said that they, nicknames, I'm curious, like, when you say nicknames, are you talking about nicknames that are specific to the couple, or just like, oh baby,

like that sort of stuff? Yeah, just like, you know, like, oh baby, or like, you know. Oh baby. Yeah. Oh baby Edna. Yeah, just like you know like like oh, baby Yeah, oh, baby. Yeah, nothing as exciting as Edna I know he's ever I'll tell you why if they say Edna they're gonna finish well if they sit Well, you can't you know the the idea of like think baseball think baseball the opposite is say Edna I also look into finish. Let's go. God. I got I've been doing this forever. We got to finish I got a tennis match in 15 minutes Edna boom both you're looking to finish, just go, God, I've been doing this forever. We got to finish. I got a tennis match in 15 minutes. EDNA! Boom. Both of you are done. I also think that if I was next door and I heard someone go, oh, Edna, I'd go, someone hurt a hip.

And I'd run next door to like help. Is everybody, is the old woman okay? Did you put tennis balls on the walker? We can get her out of this. It is true. If I hear bumping and thrusting and a bed going, Oh, Edna! I'm kicking the door down. What does she need? Yeah.

How bad is it? Yeah, man, stop hurting that old woman. Have her click her life alert. So here's the other move, Edna. You know, if you go to a certain bodega and there was somebody who came in and stole, what they do is they put photos up and they say, and they say comedically,

do not sell to this man he owes blank. I would consider making comedic signs of Chad, posting them around, make them black and white like it was a surveillance thing. Okay, now you're pushing it. Really? Yeah. Well, I like that premise a lot. I think you might have to go as a first port of call to the owner and be like, look, we're

on like a fool me once, fool me twice situation here. What tactic can I take? Can I either- You gotta go to the owner. You're not Angelo. Can I wear, yeah, you gotta go to Angelo. I'm sure he doesn't live in Horsham. He's probably collecting money from a city that has a better name, but

He's like upstate New York, yeah, it's not from the shitty Forget about it. Angelo's got his fingers all over Pennsylvania in a gross way Okay, but I so I would I would maybe go to them and be like hey listen, you know Like we got an issue. Yeah, can I put a picture of Chad up behind the bar comedically comedically that says Wanted wanted may not tip. Yeah wanted owes Edna money 180 dollars do not trust this man Yeah, he says he'll tip and then leaves or or what you do is right?

Yeah, something like that or you could make a shirt for when he comes in that says something that's just like, Chad, don't forget. You know, something, you can have a little more fun with it. My other pitch would be, if you wanna fight a little bit of fire with fire and not confront him head on, I would start watering the drinks down a little bit because there's nothing that will A, keep him sober longer than watering down the drinks

and maybe make him a little more upset It might make him take the issue to you and be like hey this this vodka soda is like all soda and be like oh I'm sorry. Well, you didn't pay the last two times So I'm just favoring the water right now just to kind of rebalance it. Okay, so we're gonna go to you now Edna We've got okay straight up confront the man. He walks in, you can use the old tactic of a slight mean joke to make it fun, but you're saying, hey, my man, you gotta pay. Two, picks on the wall of this man has not paid,

do not trust, I would live in the world of playful. Three, a shirt or a hat that you could make on Etsy for cheap that says, hey Chad, don't forget to pay your tab that you put on when he shows up. Four, water down his drinks to the point where he goes, there's no alcohol in this and you go, you get what you pay for. Yeah. Well, you got to pay for alcohol. You don't like to pay.

You don't pay when you leave. So you get soda water. So Edna, what are you going to do here? So I love the combination of number four and number one. You're gonna need to be more specific. That feels like it happened 30 years ago. That's why you take fake notes. Yeah, so far I drew a rainbow.

Yeah, so just so you know, Edna, he scribbles on a notepad and when you said one and four, he goes, how the hell would I ever know what that was? Because we have a notepad in front of us. Mine says lettuce and sparkling water. I believe I have a grocery list in front of me to be quite honest. Okay so Edna one is confront and four is watered down. Yeah so I think the realistic option is yeah I like the confronting him with like a mean

joke because I feel like that's kind of up his alley to and also still watering down his drinks just to like a little like you know, just a little like not really but also a little punishment and also you know, taking precautions because it does seem like he gets drunk and terrible decision. But my dream scenario would be to do the sign but we are like a nicer restaurant so why don't you start yeah then I would say you're on the right thing let's start in phases if that doesn't work let's move on to phase two do we want to modulate the way that she confronts him a little bit because that could be a little prickly do we want to roll yeah real quick yeah Edna you want

to be Edna Gareth you want to be Chad sure and I'll be or do you want me to be? Chad so you can be Angelo. Oh, what do you prefer? Oh God you could be Chad's amazing sweet wife She's like an angel. Oh Jake can be or I can be You got to cast us so you're Edna who's Chad Definitely has to be chatty. Okay, you got him down. I feel like you know him. Yeah you got Chad energy. Yeah, no, it's not what you say Yeah, no, no, no, no when it comes to acting No, I just feel like all the things you said about him has been so accurate and and I'm a great actor self-reliance now available

On Hulu Jake's great, too. Thanks, and then who do you want me to be you want me to be girlfriend? You want me to be Angela or you want me did I lose out on this job? No, you I'm not sensitive. I'm not girlfriend relax you little actor. I'm not Love the fucking break Jesus Christ I quit Theater relax fuck is Angela gonna be there That fucking who gives a shit doing this for Chad and Edna okay Jake so really gone full circle I agree Edna so who am I am I his lovely girlfriend or Maya Angelou? Yeah, you could you be a Samantha? Her name's Samantha Yeah, here we go. All right, let and now we're walking in. Okay. Oh my god

It's why my shoulders so sore But I can only do about two to three Push-ups I could do pretty good. You're impossible. You just don't listen. You just do your own thing all the time. Hey, you want another candy cane? I got a bunch of them. I took them from the bank.

So I could do what? Suck on them in front of you, you animal. Can I get a martini, Filthy Like a Pig? What do you want, Sam? I would like a moment of peace and quiet, and I'd like you to do what you said do put that on her tab. I'm kidding babe Wow Wow Wow kiss you a good kisser Because maybe Samantha will actually pay

Edna you're right well way well what that feels like I don't like the two women have aligned in front of me that Scares me and what was that about Edna? I didn't pay. I always pay. You look great girl. You're fierce. Oh you know Chad you know you just sometimes you have one too many Keto's and you forget to tip or pay. Sometimes both. First of all thanks for ignoring Samantha. Just dig at me because that will incline her to do it less. Wait I didn't pay? When did I dig it? When did I not pay? When did I dig it, Sam? Last week, you don't remember last week? Yeah, I do, I came in, I thought I paid. Didn't I say I was gonna give you,

did I not give you that cash tip? He didn't. No, you never did. I just assumed maybe you'd come back and say sorry. That is my bad, that is my bad. I've been so focused on this CrossFit competition I have coming up. Oh yeah, when are you gonna start training?

Alright! Besides talking about it. Alright. And scene. I think that's pretty... Well, Edna, it says a lot that you want it out on the roleplay for Jake and I, that stuff here obviously. So when are you gonna work out? You're out of character. Drop it. Because you've talked about it a lot and also in our relationship, I do give to you way more than you give to me, Chad.

What are you talking about? I told you once the competition's over, I'm gonna refocus on it. Last night when I gave you oral sex, you didn't return the favor. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. You said you would. I hurt my jaw doing box squats. Blackout.

Okay. So what you just got there, Edna, was a life lesson. Yeah, and a bonus scene. I think that's pretty good. I think that seems like the right amount of ribbing. Uh, I think Chad, the guy who played Chad was awesome. I think he should be working more. Um, I think he works plenty. I don't think he works enough. Where are you at? We've gone down a wholesome.

Yeah, I think this could go well. I think that this has given me the confidence I need to just like come run him and doing it with humor especially like you know a little like insulting humor I think is perfect okay so I think that's right and then I think honestly if if it goes sideways in no I'm actually looking up some Horsham facts we're getting out we're at 21 minutes it's worse from a nice area it's an exceptional place to raise a family is apparently I would do that and if it goes south you can just play this podcast for the owner and be like these two dickheads

Gave me the wrong advice. Yeah, so Edna. Good luck. Will you follow up what happens with Chad? Yeah Absolutely. Thank you. Okay, and now we got to get out of here really fast So I have a trick to get us out really fast so we can end this Oh, Edna! Goodbye, Edna. Sorry about that. Thank you. Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. This follow up is from the first call of episode 59 called Spring Mess. It is from March 7th. So if you want to check that out before listening to this, go for it. Enjoy. Hey, how's it going? Hey, welcome back. Well, thanks for having me back, guys.

You're welcome. Who are you and what did you call about? What's your follow-up? We have no clue. So just key us in. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. My name's Connor. I called about living with senior citizen roommates in an Airbnb room. My mother listened to this one and loved it. She was so invested. I'm glad to hear that. So you basically have a place where you're sharing space with some seniors, and one of the seniors is kind of very

taken over the space. And and kind of you're in florida and you were what 24 years old but i remember you didn't party your party was like two coronas or something yeah yeah wild man you guys got a good memory yeah all right so so that part here and this was one where we really did what was the advice on this garf because i remember this was like fight fire with fire. I think we said it was like kill the hostage or something. I think I think we started with. I think we said try to form a united front with the other person in.

What was her name? Wendy or something? Barbara or something? Cindy. Cindy. Cindy Roger and Roger. So we said sidebar with Cindy. Yes. And go for that. And then I think maybe we, what did we land on? Did we land on the idea that you kind of-

To make Roger's life miserable. To work out in the living room. Work out in the living room, be very, like listen to things on speaker. I think the advice was out Roger, Roger. Yes. Connor, walk us through a hat. I think we settled on smoking them out and then if not, it would go to Cindy and they'd like try to form the front front with Cindy and just for Roger to get out of there. Well, I'm dying. What's So the attempt to smoke him out was not very smoky.

He did not really get bothered by it. What did you do exactly? Walk us through. Because if you tried to smoke him out the way you parted, he might not even know you were smoking him out. He might not know you were there. I tried to smoke him out. I turned my TV volume at a 38 rather than a 33.

I used the dimmer switch, put it pretty bright, not all the way up. Very bright. And then I took the light bulbs. They were 14. Boom. I made them 18 in the bathroom. It's way too bright. It's way too bright.

It's very with the white walls. It's uncomfortable. Oh, it's very high. I mean, it's tolerable, but barely Roger likes a soft toilet paper. I did two plies harder. Still soft, but not quilted, baby. I'm not going to go insane. Enjoy that, Roger.

Perhaps it'll be a little less comfortable for you, Raj. The subtle hemorrhoid, I call it. So Connor, how did you smoke this maniac out? What did you do? So I started doing things like go out there, start going on FaceTimes or phone calls on speaker. Just trying to let my presence be known. And it seemed like he couldn't even hear it.

By the way, that's an issue. It is. Yep. Yep. There needs to be a lot of smoke. Yeah. I went to go to Cindy and But hold on hold on Connor so all you tried to do is smoke them out calls in the living room

What else Connor? Well, here's the thing guys talk to us I am trying to work through this story because the story gets so much better in the Baby go baby. Yeah, so the whole point is like so I tried to make this front with Cindy Cindy's not there Lo and behold I go to Roger. I say, you know where Cindy is he goes. I have no idea We find out she's been gone for three days. She left in the middle of the night From this Roger and I form a friendship and it goes great for however long he stays there. When he parts ways, he gives me 100 shark teeth, and we call it a day. Sorry. No, Jake, you hold on.

He gives you a, was there any, had you talked about shark teeth, or has he sort of seceded from Florida and he's kind of come up with his own currency I think the currency down in certain parts Restaurants you can pay with can I get two burgers and fries that'll be nice or to do what? He we had mentioned cuz he would go like during his time in the morning the He then after that he left. I thought I had the house to myself less than five hours later my next set of roommates come in. So we're replacing Cindy and now so we don't know what happened to Cindy why she left like a thief in the night that just happened. Not a clue not one bit

we don't. Okay so now you have two new people coming in let's go. And so their names are, so instead of it being senior citizens, these guys are, they are foreign citizens. They are immigrants who have come over. One is Mexican, his name is Roberto. He doesn't speak a lick of English. He has nine fingers. It is incredible. Connor, Connor, you're living a wild life. He doesn't speak a lick of English. He has nine fingers

You're living a wild life Is incredible Roberto, so we got Roberto who's number two By the way, the other one is not. Yeah here. The other one is Maria She is from Russia and Roberto and I we we think she stinks. She is terrible. A terrible roommate. Wait, as a person or literally smells bad? No, just as a person. How do you communicate with Roberto if there's no English?

Not through sign language. How do you do it? He's got some basic, like he knows some regular key phrases. Which are? Shark teeth. Like, hello. He's got some basic, like he knows some regular key phrases. Which are? Shark teeth. Like, hello, I don't think he really knows my name to be honest. Like he tried, but anyway.

Hold on, hold on, hold on. Not to- Connor, Kevin just wrote in our group chat, you should get him Babble. Babble. Which is one of our sponsors. A sponsor that we love and we would highly recommend. You both should use babble. Absolutely.

You know what we might do, Connor? We're going to talk to babble about sending you guys through them a subscription to babble to figure out how to communicate. And then maybe you guys are as a follower. Oh my God. Yes. If we can have. Oh my God. Yes. That's if we can have. Oh my God.

Oh, good Lord. Babel just popped champagne at their HQ. Will you try to get on that and see if we can do it? And if we can, we'll do a follow up with Roberto and Connor and not Korea and see how Babel's working for him. So back to you, Connor. Yeah, go ahead. So well, our main form of communication, we figured out a way,

our own bartering system, cause he'd make all this real deal Mexican food almost every night. Delicious. And he'd I get some of that Mexican food and in return at the end of each week, I buy him a case of Modellos. You got a wonderful thing. It's a great deal. So you and Roberto have a real

Budding friendship here. Oh, yeah, it's pretty great. And then Maria came along and It's just been Well, it just there's been an energy in the house. It's just well so She came and I like you a lot Connor. I'm just say you've made my you've made my morning a lot better. It's not only like you, but I love your predicament. You live it. You mean you are really living.

I got to say, I got to say, Gary, Connor's a great guy. I mean, Roberto's a great guy. We got this thing, but the friggin Maria came in from Russia and she's stinking up the joint. Yeah. Well, he's just sort of like, I'm not. Yeah, I'm not. He's kind of like a shark. Shark with. Yeah, he's got 100 sharp teeth around his.

And he's like, and Cindy, she's dead. Yes, Cindy, Cindy, obviously, she's been murdered. She has been murdered. She's in somebody's old. She's in a trunk of an Oldsmobile down in like God. Down in Miami. I hired a P.I., but it almost he needs 400 shark teeth down here, which I don't know. But the PI is going to be Connor's next roommate.

He's 65 years old. He's trying to break it. He's got a drinking problem. So Connor, so you and Roberto have this beautiful relationship. You're falling in love with this relationship. I truly love it. So you and Roberto, soft dating. Now walk us through the Maria of.

I mean, Gareth, in every project I've ever done, I've written Roberto as my side character. This is with how fleshed and true. It's a wonderful dynamic. I'm trying to think of one where you have... There's always a Roberto. We don't communicate in English at all. He's got nine fingers, but he's an amazing chef. And he goes with me most places.

Yeah. We become best friends. So what is, give us some specifics on the Maria issues, if you could kind of. The first day she comes in, it's around dinner time. And as someone, if you remember, I said, I was down here on an internship. And so I'm got a small budget and I'm a big pasta eater, like eating pasta and I'm getting, I'm getting ready to make some dinner. But walk me through. Okay. So you and Roberto have this really nice thing. You're, you're married, great food. You're giving a beer by the way, fair trade. Well played. I like how you're doing that. Love it.

And Marie comes in with this fucking stank attitude. Yeah. And so how are you- From Russia with hate. How are you and Roberto getting rid of her? Well that's what we're, I'm calling you guys about but- Well we're gonna give you the same advice. You gotta out Roberta Roberta. Yeah, pair a hundred track teeth and tell her to kick rocks. You gotta out Marie Marie. What is she doing, Connor? What is Maria doing that's so crazy?

I got three things that just sent me over the edge here. First one, I came back to have dinner. I'm trying to eat some pasta. I'm looking for the strainer in the house. Strainer is nowhere to be seen. She's so weird. I'm looking for that. Where is the strainer?

She sees me looking and goes, Oh, are you looking for this? She has turned the strainer into her own personal fruit bowl. And when she did that, she's like, do you want it back? And I said, yes, yes, I would like that back. Yes, please. I need that. Good. Well, the reason you do for a fruit bowl is you can water them all at once. Put it right in the sink. I've done it continue All right second was I Was a weekend day Went out came back in and I guess I don't know if she thought she was home alone

But she's out in the kitchen making some food and again, they're not as old as Roger and Cindy Roberto and Maria, but they're also pushing 55. And she is, she's in the kitchen just in a towel. Just straight from a shower. Are we talking under armpits or just waste? It's got to be under armpits. You can't be letting those...

I feel like we would hear that detail, but I just... Yeah. I mean, you got to lead up with that. Under armpits or just waste it's gotta be I feel like we would hear that detail. Yeah, I mean you gotta lead out with that that is That is a top-of-call problem my roommate Cooks pasta with her breasts out and I don't know what to do. That is a top of call That's we're going straight to Patreon live. She just she's out there though. And we're talking and she did not. She has no problem doing nothing. And I'm holding my ground.

I'm like, who's going to break first here? Who's going to talk about it? Bring it up. And who did Connor? What happens? How do you get out of that situation? No one brought it up. She's like, you know, I got to go like back to my room. I say, okay, How do you get out of that situation? No one brought it up. She's like, you know, I gotta go like back to my room.

I say, okay, you do you Maria. And what's going on? And anyway, though, the the best one that we go, the best one was I came home from work and she meets me at the door and she goes, hey, you work at this place, right? And I'm like, Oh yeah. And she goes, well, that's really convenient because I have a colonoscopy appointment tomorrow at, uh, about like two minutes from where you work.

And my car broke down and where we live, I don't know if I can get an Uber in time, like I can reserve it. So can you drive me to the colonoscopy? And I said Maria sure thing. I'll drive you to this colonoscopy and We get there or we're driving It's a painfully awkward car ride there where she's telling me about why she needs to get this colonoscopy and

At the end of it the end of the day, I come back from work, she's back home now. She's telling me that like, oh, how thankful she is for this for me taking to a colonoscopy. And I'm like, yeah, no problem. And then she takes a deep breath. And she's like, I'm sorry, but what's your name again? Jesus. She did that. Oh wow. Hey, Connor, would you write a book, my man? I'll write the forward for it.

Let's see what we can do with you. That's a great short story. And so, Connor, we're in a situation here where you're living with a maniac again. And is the question on this follow-up, how do we get rid of Marie? Well, we don't have to go that extreme, I'd say. But if there's a way that we can figure out how that she can start acting with some roommate etiquette, that would be great. that we can figure out how that she can start acting with some roommate etiquette. That would be great.

If we can't figure that out though, I'm always down for a hell Roberto and I get her to a new Airbnb or something. I don't think this is a fight fire with fire. I don't think this is an out Marie Marie. I think this is a good old case of sometimes you're in a bunker and your enemies in a bunker and you're fighting for a line in the middle and you just got to wait it out. She's going to disappear in the middle of the night like Cindy. So I would say water the flower that is the relationship with Roberto.

Look, you could you always, you could always just for the fun of it, try to out Marie Marie, start walking around in a towel. You could try to use her stuff as, you know, like her strainers, but that doesn't really work. You could ask her every day what her name is, but I don't think you're going gonna make a dent in this one. The issue with someone who is kind of that lacks inhibition on that level is that it's a hard one to fight fire with because she likes fire. So what only thing I could think of would be is if you could find someone to maybe replace her to try to get into that living situation that you have vetted in your actual life if there's someone who's also an intern that you work with or if that's

any way to. No, he doesn't want a normal intern in there. Connor, you're running a circus out of this. You like the freak show, Connor? Is that what's going on? I don't know if I like it, but it is fun when every day I get to have a story to tell my parents like, you say, there you go. Here's what we got to jump off.

Connor, here's what I'm truthfully asking. Will you call back in three months and just the update is just simply what's happening? Kevin, let's start calling Connors follow up with with Connor. Just what's up with Connors roommates? Conor's corner Conor's corner and then you want to just have a corner of our show Connor where you just call in and give us some quick updates we don't and guys we just thank you okay yeah the Babel play with Roberta would be awesome yeah so we're gonna contact you with Babel and we're gonna see if we can make that happen and Connor, we appreciate you.

And I mean, this year you're living a hilarious life, man. I appreciate you. Promo code shark teeth. Thank you, Connor. All right, guys. Hello again. This next part is a reference to the right glassman episode for Monday So if you want to listen to that first you can

But I think you'll get it, too. Enjoy Hello, hey dad Yeah, hello. Hey, are we on? Yeah. Yeah, you're here dad. This is your father texting me Nick my brother What is what is going on with Milwaukee You're talking about the tickets I kind of emailed you this you got the ten tickets So they're all those seats are not they don't seem together, but they are actually all together So don't you don't need to worry about the mall. We don't have to all come at this

What if we don't all come at the same time? So don't you don't need to worry about the mall. We don't have to all come at this. What if we don't all come at the same time? Well, I think it would be great. I I'm not let's let's not talk about this on air. Let's talk about this Offer this this is Gareth's father. I mean so in reality. Why are you calling? Well, hold on I mean, I missed some of this but Gareth's dad. Is that you? Well, I'll let Gareth take this one. No No, sir, you came in about tickets He's sound like very you sound like a get former guest. Yeah recent guests not former Right. I mean, how does my how did the actual audio quality sound?

Way better than my dad. He's off podcast. Yeah. And I'm using proper podcast microphone for this call. So Mr. Glassman, Mr. Glassman, you texted Gareth and I this morning. I texted you last night saying I just heard the episode and it was hilarious. And it was hilarious. Yes.

That's not all you said. What else did I say? You were just singing my praises. I was. Yeah. I think you're very funny. Very funny. I had a great guess.

Yes. Oh, please, we don't need to talk about this now. No, no, no. So, so, okay. Well, I said your episode is tomorrow. Just listened. You're so funny, man. Thank you for doing it.

You really cracked me up. And then we talk. Oh, I doing it. You really cracked me up, and then we appreciate that You're very welcome that we talked about You're in Cleveland, and then today you were very my arms tired. Yep. Yeah, that was your joke. Yep then today you were very kind and you posted about it before I posted about it even which I appreciate and then you sent a a Screen grab from, I believe it was a YouTube comment, is that correct, Rick?

I'm trying to find it. Well, I think the veil's off, so which price thick to risk. Then you had written, can I read this, Rick, do you mind? I don't remember what it was, I was probably drunk, but go for it. What happened to Rick? Why was he only on half the episode? This is the comment.

I'm so disappointed. And Rick said? I'm over here wondering the same thing. Okay. So I then was trying to remember that day, and I remember that Rick was late. Because Kevin runs a pretty tight ship. Yes.

We got callers like that. I was under 10 minutes late. So I wrote, you were late and we lost the time. You wrote, I was nine minutes late, sorry about that. And I wrote, it was per the Kev man, come on back on and let's do a full session. And we, so you're calling in. Well then, hold on, there's one more thing, Rick.

Just cause this is our first follow up to a guest. Yes, this is the first time a guest has called in with the problem. Let's give us all a round of applause for that then. Okay. That's great. But... Jake's not clapping. Wait.

So then Rick... Jake? Jake, you clapping? I clapped. He clapped a bunch. I clapped. So then you had sent another screen grab that you had sent to Kevin about running a little bit late.

You said three to five minutes late, by the way. And he said, no sweat. And you wrote if he had said some sweat, I would have rushed some more. So then I said, let's turn this into a positive, big daddy. Let's do it part two. And we decided you were going to call in today. The floor is yours, Rick. Well, first, let me just say, big fan of the show.

This is literally first time caller, but not first time on the pot, which is interesting. Yeah, well. And so I had a little bit of a shoulder procedure. I was running a little bit slower. And I gave a check running a little bit slower and I gave a check-in. I gave a 30 minutes beforehand check-in basically seeing, hey, is it cool if I come a little bit late? If not, I'll, you know, I won't do whatever the thing I was doing.

You know, I could just think. What was the thing you were doing? I had just gotten out of the shower and struggled to wash my hair. So I wanted to take my time as I was putting on my shirt and stuff. But I didn't, you know, I could have rushed it a little. Okay. But you just had shoulder surgery. His hair was wet when he came in if I remember.

I agree. Now, if I rushed it a little, I'll be honest with you, there would be some sweat and that would be fine. But I was directed no sweat. So that's kind of why we're- My thought is here- So that's what this is. Now let me take some responsibility. I was the one who was responsible. I was the one who was responsible. did no sweat. So that's kind of why we're here.

So that's what this is. Let me take some responsibility. I was the one who was late. I'm not saying there's any wrongdoing there. But also, Rick, I was late today. And what happened? They started a call with us. Kevin?

Kevin said we start the show. I got to say this, Rick, about our man, Kev. And I will say, it's something I really like about him. And I agree with his decisions. I'm gonna say this Rick about our man Kev and I will say it's something I really like about him and I Agree with his decisions. You know what happened when I showed up today Rick? I Had to catch you They were in the middle of a call with a lady named Reba who wanted to do pranks and I was in a bad mood about Pranks and I was mean to Kevin about it. Isn't that true Kevin? It's a hundred percent true

But the Garf man saved the day Rick. So Yeah Well, I know that I had a feeling that you were late because I was told to call in at a certain time and I was on hold for a while. But that's what show business. That's not true. We we weren't. Well, there's a noon and it was probably like 1209. I believe we were nine minutes late to Rick. So, Rick, I think.

Well, I think we wronged you. And how do we solve this? Yes. How do we go ahead? I mean, before we go on and solve it, I'd we wronged you. And how do we solve this? Yes. How do we go ahead? Well, before we go on solving it, I'd like to finish. I'd like to be seen. The agreements. Okay.

Okay. So, I'm a firm believer that people pleasing isn't pleasing people. It's avoiding your own discomfort, Kevin. Now, if you wanted to appear- He said Kevin after.... is the best part. Oh, yeah, okay You're fucked. So if you wanted to come across as hey Rick No big deal show up when you show up But not tell me but we're gonna be starting without you and we're not gonna be able to use

As much of this as we would like to, I would love to have had that information. Kevin? Kevin? I'm here. Why no sweat? Why, why no? No is so definite.

Well, I think I didn't put into consideration, there was also like six minutes of off mic chat at that point. There was like, now we're starting 15 minutes late. You did have a tea or something showing up. There was some trouble with the tea. Oh the tea was there when I got there. It's true. Yes it was.

I looked at my text messages. I saw when I walked in I was under 10 minutes late. Well look Rick I think. I hear everything and there's some grievance. Of course and I think it's fair and I think I think You know second girls get started without me. I'll be up soon Say no sweat So what I will say what this is our first time on the show where there's beef. Yeah

No, there's this is this is a first. I mean, I don't I don't it's not a feud It's but no Kevin looks pissed. There's tension. Kevin looks pissed. I think the best way, well, Kevin thought my dad was calling it, and now this is full intervention style. But one quick question for the Kev man.

So you did start today before I arrived. I did. I do personally like that you run a tight ship. We've done that to Gareth in the past. We did an ad against him. Yep. So there is something- There run a tight ship. We've done that to Gareth in the past. We did an ad against him. Yep. So there is something. There's a track record.

There's consistent. We have also, Rick, in Kevin's defense, we have asked him when we were talking to guests to interrupt us at time with the caller. I think that's great. I have no problems with you guys starting on time. I just would have liked to have known, hey Rick, show up when you show up

But we're starting without you interesting. So so what it was for him was the no sweat. Yeah it's and I and I think there's a fine line between making someone not feel bad and and maybe Not acknowledging the reality and I think that and I would not put this all on Kevin that we are a team here No, no, no, no, no, no, no not at all. Yeah, and I say very little on Kevin. Sure So let's your beef with there is no beef on my end But I just wanted to be able to do I came over there. I would have liked to have done two segments. Okay Then I got to say something else Because I will say that girls girls, please just get started without me

No sweat No sweat. So here's what I will also say and this is to all of our guests Some guests we've had one call some we've had two some we've had three Yeah, some we just and you're gonna get really mad at us after this one Rick But Rainn Wilson came on and we ended up having like a 30-minute chat with him about his career We didn't have any chat with you besides Hannah Simone and Gina Rodriguez have diarrhea well all women do and listen I'm not upset by this but I'm about the point right Rick can I say something to you for one

second please yeah and hold on one second girls start without me sorry about that but here's what I know sweat here's what I need to say to you. We're just trying to figure this fucking thing out, man. We're not, we don't know what we're doing. So did we wrong you? Yeah. Do we regret it? No!

Yes, have you become a goddamn friend of the show? Yes. Yes! Maybe the best friend of the show, if we're being honest. I still gotta go with Lil Morn for me. I gotta, I have to. But still, you're we're talking. But yes, but you are becoming you are a real ally in front of the show.

And were you treated with the respect that you deserve? Here's the truth. No. Have some of our other guests who've been friends of the show been treated that way? No. Yeah. We don't know what we're doing. Some people we would get them in and out in 20 minutes. Now we're sitting and talking for 20 minutes. It's an evolution, Rick. We don't know what we're doing. people we would get him in and out in 20 minutes Now we're sitting and talking for 20 minutes. It's an evolution Rick. We don't know what we're doing. Yeah, hold on one say Ladies just start. Yeah, we got the same

I'm not doing a porno. You're doing a porno. Well, he's having him. You just said touch yourselves sex Not every not all sex is there. I'm always yeah Jake Not all sex is filmed. That's true. I'm always in my business. Yeah, Jake feels all sex is porn. But Rick, what Jake's saying is true. And I think, listen, we hear you. We want to do a make good on this.

We would have wanted to have you back anyway, but I think this definitely puts the clock on it. Let's make an official offer to please have you back on for two calls and a chat at the end where we will discuss you. Dare we call it Rick Glassman Day? Glassman Day. And can we call the chat afterwards the glass? I like that. Breaking the glass, Zeland?

I like that. What are you gonna say, Rick? Ooh, actually I do like that a lot, actually. But there's an order of operations that was lost here that I just wanna clarify before we let you guys go. And we're gonna let you guys go and girls, I'll be up there in a moment. Yeah, a moment. What I'm trying to say is I saw that like, oh, why didn't we write you two comments? I'm like, yeah, two segments. Like, yeah, why not?

I asked, just looking for information here, wasn't feeling wrong. Just like, what's the difference? What's the workflow here? Why sometimes one, why sometimes four? What's going on? When you then replied, Oh, you were late. My thought is I wasn't even 10 minutes late. The segments going much longer than that. It could have been a short segment. Then, then it became unclear to me because like, Oh, I, I, I had this conversation with, with Kevin already. I said, I was going to show up a little late.

He said, no sweat. I didn't feel wronged. I didn't feel beefed, I was curious about workflow. This all is about workflow. Right, I don't think it's about workflow. No, I think you had it, but then at the end, you did a, you transitioned. I think what this is about is, you asked a fair question,

and I gotta be honest, I had just gotten off the Peloton, I did a little workout with Olivia model. Oh, very intense. Yep. I, I saw the thing, uh, Rick, you're a man who texts, Rick, you're a man who texts a lot and you text fast. And if you miss one, you're 30 behind. And so I saw the text and I wanted to respond right away.

And I was remembering the day and I remembered we had a full day that day with different guests were coming in, different colors. And I wrote, if I remembered correctly, I remembered the whole bit with the T. And I remembered the whole, you came in late and your T had a, of your show. And I remembered during that. Wednesday nights at 8.30, ABC.

Also on Hulu all the time. And I remember the episode was very funny and fun, but I remember Kevin had a full day. ABC. Also on Hulu all the time. And I remember the episode was very funny and fun, but I remember Kevin had a full day. He had a full day. And I'll tell you what, sometimes I ride him a little bit and I'll make sure, make sure these calls are good. If they're bad, I mean about it and I tease him. And so sometimes, sometimes I think I put him in a and is the reaction time is it's got to be going

We got to go we got another one Rick call was 30 minutes That's good because before we were experimenting with one call and then one of just Garfin I because other comments Rick Where it's all the guests where the guys it's true. I appreciate that Kevin I got a question that corner that Jake puts you in what's it like over there temperature wise is it hot? Well, it's very hot any sweat. It's cooking over here Rick there are a few people in the waiting room. I hate to dress the elephant in the room Hey, Rick, can we please have you back on for a Rick Glassman day where we actually show you some goddamn respect? What do you got? What do you think?

We can't hear them just so you know so it doesn't sound... Oh they're, yeah, yeah they're coming. Oh well they've been at work for a while. Hey I gotta say Rick, Kevin's about to do it again, he's gonna have this. So Rick. And we're gonna start the cycle my friend, we gotta go now. Shoes Off Pod, great podcast, great episode on our show. This isn't about plugging. More to Come. I know it isn't, but I'm not making it about that, but More to Come, and it's not about doing a make good.

We always wanted you back, but now let's make it a little more special. We're gonna do it soon. You know, it was just forum, and you saying More to Come makes me think of Mordecai. We can talk about Esther and Mordecai when I come on in. I think that sounds great. And if you'd have us back, We would love to come back on yours

Yeah, love whatever works to have you. All right. Bye Rick. Thank you for the call You guys could show up a little late We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds the show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeough. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwackio and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's oliverralli.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike.

You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to garethrentolds.com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.