We're Here to Help - 88: The Problem Is You're Exactly Like Us

Episode Date: June 17, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about tire troubles and a nickname between parents. Later the guys follow up with the second caller from episode 40 “Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco.��Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. And we're back. With the show. America's Novel Road podcast. On a Monday. We're here to help. I wonder if we could do an entire intro trying to finish each other's. Sandwiches.

Enjoy the show without further ado. Wait no, no! Kevin, you got something fun. We've been doing an ad that we really enjoy and someone reached out with some interesting information. So I said, are you free to call in and tell the guys? So I'm going to have a caller join right now, I believe from the UK. Let's see how this goes.

Caller, can you hear us? I can hear you. Hi. Hi. This is a super crazy intro. So we don't know what this is about. I do have an idea because I was sending something to Kevin about this, but the floor is yours. Can you tell us what this call during the intro is? Yeah. So thank you for having me on. My name is Elle. I'm from the UK. Hi, big fan of the podcast. And I've listened to everything you've made so far. Of course, no problem. What international school do you go to? Let's just let her get through this. So I agree. finish the intro.

I noticed something about your Kleenex ad that took me by surprise. You referred to the tissues as hyperallergenic as opposed to hypoallergenic. I felt it duty bound as a doctor to write in. You're a doctor to write in. Well, you're a doctor. Yes. This is as humiliating as it gets. Perhaps this should be hypo. Well, we were supposed to say hypoallergenic and we said hyperallergenic

and you as a doctor, just that didn't sit right. So we needed to correct that. We need to apologize to the great people at Kleenex. Well, let me ask you this, Al. What, Elle. Is hyperallergenic even a thing? Yes. Hay fever is hyperallergenic, so you have lots of allergens floating around. Excuse me, Elle. Would Kleenex not be valuable during a hyperallergenic season? Yes, because it is hypoallergenic. But Kleenex has the solve is hypoallergenic season? Yes, because it is hypoallergenic. But Kleenex says the solve is hypoallergenic.

They're saying that the Kleenex gives you the worst allergies. I'm gonna get us out of this. Have you ever seen a tissue sneeze, Elle? Answer the question, doctor. No, no, I haven't. Well, I don't know. Go ahead, Jake. Finish this off. I'm lost. What? I hobbled that. I don't know, get me out of this, I'm dying, I am drowning. I am slugging seawater. We made a big error. We sold the Kleenex as the opposite of what the Kleenex is.

We said that the Kleenex was gonna give you really bad allergies, and you're right, it's not. Kleenex will give you hay fever. Kleenex will give you hyper allergies, and that's humiliating. And that's not what we're trying to do. So we appreciate you calling in and giving us a little bit of help.

Yeah, you are here to help. You are here to help and we appreciate you. And thank you for calling in. And without further ado. Thank you guys. Hello. Hi, how are you? Good. Good. Can we get your name, please? Sure.

This is Carrie from Chicago, 45. Carrie from Chicago, 45. What do you think about Caleb Williams? I love Caleb Williams. Do you have any idea what Jake's talking about, Carrie? No, I have no idea. Okay, good stuff. All right.

I was going to call you out, Carrie. I know, and I could tell, but I could tell Carrie was going to call you out. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I know, and I could tell, but I could tell Carrie was going to call you out. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie.

I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie. I was going to call you out, Carrie. Caleb Williams. You have any idea what Jake's talking about Carrie? No, I have no idea All right, I was gonna call you out Gary. I know and I could tell but I can tell Carrie was like amazing Carrie Yeah, thank you for just yes, and the heavy placation there from Carrie. Jake. I will say I love whatever you just said He is great. I'm happy for you. All right, Carrie, 45, Chicago. You're very young at 45. You're in the prime of your life. This is when you should start your jiu-jitsu. Anyway, Carrie, what's going on? Jake's just kind of trying to put his sadness through a prism that isn't his.

What's going on? I have been house sitting for my parents. These past couple of months, they are away traveling the world for a couple of months. And you need for a couple of months. Yeah, they're on a worldwide crew. For a couple months. And you need, for a couple months, yeah. They're on a worldwide crew. Good for mom and dad. Wow. I know, I know.

So a little background though, you need to know. First of all, my parents are very particular about things and their possessions specifically. My dad is also a bit obsessive about things such as tracking the weather and monitoring his car's tire pressure. Wow. This is something you need to know about my dad.

I got you. And I'll tell you what about dads is we get weirder as we age. Tracking the weather seems... When you say tracking the weather, you mean he's on a weather app just checking the five day? Yeah. Okay. But also the tire pressure I get, you just start getting weird about numbers. I don't know, they got sensors, the cars tell ya.

Yeah, well that's cause you're like 26. Oh, are you trying to hurt me? Boyish. Wow, wow, ouch Jake. This is a real father son dynamic, this show should be called Dad and Boy. Mo and the Boy. Mo and the Boy, Mo and Mo Jr., Mo and Jr., all right.

So, something else you need to know is that my parents have never felt that I made good choices. I'm a wild middle child. So knowing that, um, it was surprising them that they interested me with the care of their home while they've been gone the other two are busy. But yeah, married kids, right? Are you single? I, I'm single. Are you single? I'm single. I'm divorced.

That's also one of the reasons why they think I make poor choices. Yeah, it was his fault, by the way, but we'll let them have their opinion, but it was his fault. One instruction they gave me, though, my dad gave me before they left on their trip, is that I needed to have my younger sister take the car around the block every once in a while, just so it's not sitting idle in the garage. You got to move the oils around. Yeah.

So I'm the one staying at the house at their condo and my younger sister needs to come from miles away to take the car out every once in a while. Red flag. Red flag. They don't trust you driving the car seriously around the block That's that's why the sister on the blind around how many DUIs do you have Carrie? Yeah? If the answer is no and your parents are out of control. Yeah I have I actually I think of my siblings. I think I'm the best driver

I believe it and then question is it like a weird Ferrari like from Ferris Bueller's day off? So good question. It's a mini Cooper. So it like a weird Ferrari like from Ferris Bure day off. So good question It's a mini Cooper. So it is a little bit. I mean to get it sir I mean it is a little bit set up differently, you know, Mini Cooper is not like a Ferrari. Yeah, the Ferrari of Chicago Tiny Ferrari Mini Cooper If you can rent it at Avis, yeah, it's nothing special. Yes. Yeah Does he have a tarp for the Mini Cooper? He does not, but it is in the garage.

Okay, so your sister, let's give her a name. Yes, her name is Reese. Reese, okay. Okay, so Reese is supposed to come to the house, drive the Mini Cooper. Your dad wants it once a week to move the oils. Yes, but for her to do it, not for me to do it. It's just that little background you didn't know.

Yeah, I get it. Sure. So there was a time, there's a time that came where I needed to borrow their car. My son needed to use my car. I need to borrow their car. And so I go to my mom, not my dad, to ask permission to use the car. She's okay with it. With the understanding I'm going to use it just for a short while.

During that short period of time, I hit a pothole, which is common in Chicago, pop the tires. Wow. Pop the, did you say tires or tire? Tire, tire. Tire, one tire, the front driver's side tire. And dad is so goddamn concerned about that pressure that this ain't great.

I know, I know, this is gonna be a big deal. I'm worried about you. I'm feeling half like your dad right now and half like you. Just so you know I'm conflicted. I asked for one thing, one thing, Kerry. And then to the wife, I didn't want her driving to fuck with her.

Why didn't you say yeah? I didn't want her driving to many people. Come on. This is why, she's gonna hit a pothole. I love her. I don't trust her like I trust the other ones. Do I love her? Of course I love her.

I love her. And I like her. All right, so keep going. All right, so I take it to the tire shop and the guy there says that he recommends I replace both front tires and get in alignment. Yep, yep. But honestly, I think this is just part of what,

I mean, this is what tire shop guys say. Kerry, this feels like you're making a Kerry decision. Yeah, I think. It's your dad's minute group. What, do you wanna put a bike tire on it and hope he doesn't notice? I feel like I could just change it myself with a huge donut.

I know a con man when I see one. I'll just put a brick under it, he won't know. The professional says, two tires realignment, and Kerry, the middle child, goes, I shouldn't have been driving the car. My parents don't like my decisions. This is a good time to make a decision. I think I'll get him a different car.

All right, Carrie, so what do you do? All right, so these are fancy tires. These got top of the line, they're run flat tires, which is why I didn't think I even popped the tire to begin with, because it still had air in it. Oh, interesting. Anyway, so it was going to cost me a total of $900 to have two tires replaced and the alignment done. Carrie, this is the right rate.

It is, but the rate is crazy. It's a lot of money. First of all, it's the right rate if you're going top of the line. But you got to pay for labor. Yeah, 900, it's a lot of money. Yes, it's a lot of money. Yes, it's a lot of money. So I asked my ex-husband, knows more about car maintenance than I do, so I asked him, hey, what do you think? Do I really need to replace both these tires? So I didn't just go with my, you know, my feeling, not knowing much.

Okay. And I asked someone who knows more. Sure. And he said, you know what, I think you could do fine with just replacing that one tire. The other tires, the treads are right right then just rotate it to the back. Don't do the alignment Let's give the X a name. Should we call them? What? Fred and so question about Fred really fast and who cares we don't have to go deep into this but what's his expertise in cars? He doesn't he has more expertise in cars than my dad. I'll tell you that so

My dad actually doesn't know a lot about cars. Okay, so you're in a situation Fred likes cars knows cars my dad doesn't he just cares about air pressure because he's a weirdo He thinks a mini Cooper's a Ferrari and my my ex is saying it's fine. I'm not spending 900 bucks I must spend 250 get a new tire and everything's fine, right? Okay, exactly. I'm with you. So yes, this is what I do, I replace one tire, and then I think everything's fine

until I tell my siblings. I was hoping you were gonna say, as you were driving home, all the tires fell off and the windows cracked. Chitty-chitty bang-bang. The smoke came out. Herbie the lovebug. It turned into a full on 1930s jalopy.

So I hit a man. Yeah, it was bad. It started self-driving. As I was leaving the tire shop, I accidentally put it in D instead of R, and I just drove through tires. I went backwards. It was bad. I hit a million dollars worth of tires.

So you tell siblings. Yes. Bad move, by the way. My younger sister, so younger sister, Reese, she says I have to tell dad, because he's going to figure it out anyway. I mean he's obsessed about his tires. This is why your dad likes Reese's decisions because she's a snitch. I mean she's basically carrying the talking points of dad.

Yeah, she is dad junior, she's a snitch and we know where snitches end up. Exactly. And do it soon otherwise you'll be driving in rain. Of course she's buddy buddy. She forgot she's your generation. I know. She's too buddy-buddy with Dad. She understands him too well. Anyway, my older sister said she's going to tell my dad, just because that's an older sister thing to do. First of all, you gotta teach your family about snitches, and you gotta set the law of how we operate. Yeah.

I'm gonna tell Dad, you should tell dad, hey guys, daddy's not here giving away apples to the best students. We're in our forties. Yeah. But daddy said I'm the best, and daddy said I'm the best. Daddy said I'm gonna friggin' barf, cool it, grow up.

We're pulling one over on an 80-year-old man who's on a world tour. All right. Yeah. It's gonna be fine. I don't care. So my brother-in-law weighed in too says take it to the grave and he agrees with me that it would be an awful decision To tell my dad because he's not looking for daddy's approval. God. This is yes. All right. So then where are we at?

Where we're at is I have yet to tell my parents they have yet to return from their adventures But when they get home, what do you do in two weeks? What do I do? First of all, Carrie, Bravo to a setup that feels like a goddamn novel. Yeah. Yeah. No entertaining, interesting, weird stakes, but they're there. But I'm in it.

I feel like I'm invested in this one. I'm not lost. I agree. You painted a hell of a picture and my advice is crystal clear. Garf, where are you at? I'm trying to mull away. I know yours is take it to the grave. Of course. Yeah, I'm trying to mull. Well, what I really want to know is, is he going to know? If I knew that, it would really help. You can't tell. Right. I I Say that's what I wonder too is he really going to know and is there a way that I can make it so he wouldn't know No, so did you get the same exact tires? I?

Did I at least did that I got exactly the person realigned them so they're the exact brand of tire and it's realigned Why it's realigned? Wait, it's not a, it's not, they didn't see me. Oh yeah, I'm sorry, you just got one tire. Fuck, I thought you did the 900. I thought you did the 900. I keep thinking about like, is your stress worth the $600? All right, Kerry, bad news. You gotta tell them.

Wow, you, wow, okay. Here's why. When you go to a place like a tire shop, and they tell you what you should do, and you come back and go, I'll do a third of it, then they make sure you're coming back in six weeks to go like, something's clanging, and they go, want me to finish what I offered,

which was the best thing about a realignment? Because if you don't realign tires and you start to drive, your dad might go like, something feels weird about a Mini Cooper. When I was in Turkey, I drove a Mini Cooper off the sand. You go like, Dad, Dad, I lied to you. Then the old guy's heartbroken. I think you get them day one off the boat. How?

Okay. That's kind of where I was. But I know. So I have a way to pitch in that direction. How clear do you, I mean, from what you can tell and remember, how different did those two tires look to the naked eye? You know, I would say, I mean, I'm no expert, but I would say they don't look all that different. I've looked at them. These have been rotated. Your answer's not great already.

Well, your answer wasn't like identical, but that's meticulous. Not a great answer. These have been rotated. Your answer is not great. All right. Well, your answer wasn't like identical, but dad's meticulous. Your answer was like to me, I can basically budget. We got to keep in mind dad's a weirdo and he checks air pressure. Yup. If you're a weirdo, if you're a weird old guy, you obsess on the weirdest stuff. That's why I think the other way to throw them is to just change the air pressure and all of those tires You are getting crazy Kerry. You're killing witnesses to cover up the murder.

First of all, here's the problem with you Kerry. You're exactly like Gareth and I. Yes, yes. That's exactly what we would do. And really at the end of the day, I know that it's like $600, it's not nothing. But for what you're now saying, the $600, I'm gonna move some air around, I'm gonna air shift. And then what's gonna happen is you're gonna let it out weird, the air's gonna hit you in the face. Yeah, and he's just gonna come back and be like,

what happened? You're gonna go, I don't know, nothing! Here's my advice to you. You divorced Fred for a reason. Wow. Interesting. Let's stop taking his advice. I did not. Six hundred bucks, Kerry.

Get the other tire. Fix the alignment. Take it to the grave. When do they come back, Kerry? Two weeks. Two weeks. OK. Two weeks. All right. Can you can you sniff around six hundred bucks? I can do it. You can do it. OK. All right. So that. Two weeks. OK. All right. Can you can you sniff around 600 bucks? I can do it. You can do it. OK. All right. So that's an option. Here's another pitch. When dad and mom come back, you do you do the you do something nice and generous that

isn't six hundred dollars. You stoke them up with emotion you make them happy and then you hit him with and by the way dad One of the tires pops when I had a pothole So I got the new one the guy at the tire shop. I just yes Carrie as the dad you want to know what I'm gonna do when I walk in and My wife goes I know you didn't want Carrie to house it, but she did a wonderful job. And I go, yeah, yeah, she did. She did really good.

I'm looking around seeing what's broke, nothing. And then she goes like, so I got you this $80 pinata of a ship, break it. And I go like, that's a weird usage of money. And then she goes, but I crashed your car a little bit and I got a new tire. And I'm going to go, all right, so now I need to go To the mechanic get it checked out now whatever they say I have to do because I don't know what she did how about now? He's going backwards financially about this good. How about they come back? You've got some champagne You've got a charcuterie out Yes, hold on. I don't disagree. Okay. Let's just follow the thread

Right we get them a little liquored up. They're a little you know, they're probably a little jet lagged or what do we call it? Ship lagged. I don't know but but they come back right we do that and and then we tell that I mean we tell dad It's your same pitch. You just added no one. No, but then you go like this you go The guy at this tire shop recommended I just replace one tire. But honestly, I think I'm going to take it back. That does not love her decision. I know she is giving him weird beef and you want another one. Yeah. Blame it on Reese. I that was my other side.

By the way, Carrie, that is just so you know, it took me a few to get there. That's crazy that you even had so Walk us through what you're walking walk us through what you're thinking of blaming Reese, how would that go? well Reese was already Interested with the care of the vehicle so I feel like That would make perfect sense. They already feel About her driving and of course she She would do fine. You know, of course it wouldn't be her fault if she hit a pothole, right?

It would just be the way things work. But if it's me, it's my fault that I hit it How about this we give real I feel like we give Reese three hundred dollars to take the blame Save three hundred. You know, I'll say Carrie. I'm glad you and Gareth didn't get married It's not too late because what would happen with your guys decision-making is not too lame is dangerous What do you want so here? Here's where we're at Carrie Finish the deal Spend the 600 bucks. That's a hundred percent where I'm going to Celebrate when they get home, maybe give them a beef board with some champagne and then say,

how do you like the $300 I spent on weird beefs and champagnes? Also, I took your car and I crashed it, but I think it's good. And also, I could take it back if you want and your dad's gonna go put me back on the ship in the middle of the goddamn sea. You're going beyond the pitch. You're adding a lot of your own personal sauce to this dish. Agreed. Four, you're right. It's unfair to the process.

Four, blame it on Kid's sister. Somehow get her on board. You and Gareth seem to like this one. I think it's trouble. I think it's trouble, too. So now, Carrie, 45, big Caleb Williams fan. Yeah excited about Rome a dunza Hope I nailed it his last name. Okay excited about what Ryan pace is doing for the city of Chicago doesn't really

What are you gonna do? No, Ryan Poles. I think I said Ryan pace. Yeah, right poles. Yeah, what's my final decision? Yeah Is that what you're asking? She's vamping. I think I'm going to blame it on Reese. I know. Do it really fast. You're the dad.

I love you. Are you going to play the dad? You want me to play the dad? No, I want it. I'm the dad, you're the mom. No. All right, fine. By the way, mom had a hell of a trip.

I know she did. So, Kerry, you just got mom and dad home. I want to see how you're doing. I'm going to go ahead and ask you to play the dad. I'm going to play the dad. I'm going to play the dad. I'm a hell of a trip. I know she did so Carrie I want you you just got mom and dad home. I want to see how you're actually gonna do it. Oh Gosh I can't wait for my own dad. I know I have such trouble sleeping on plane And and you're an animal on that cruise by the way. Oh, you were an animal on that.

I felt like I was 40 years. You had your way with me. I can't wait to get in a Mini Cooper and zip it around. Waukegan. Oh, well, you've moved. I'm going to this planes. I'm going to the old orchard ball. Oh, gosh. I'm going to whip around to the northwest. Sing, dog. Oh, gosh.

So there's someone at the door who probably picked us up. Hey, sweetheart, how you doing, care? Hi, babe. Hey, welcome back, mom and dad. Thank you. It's so good to see you. We have missed you greatly. Oh, good.

Oh, gosh. We had the time of our lives too, honey. Oh, your father, oh, God, it was like your father dunked himself in the fountain of youth. Do you remember the movie, Cocoon? Oh, it was like the end of Cocoon, and I don't what happened at cocoon too But that was part of it too. There wasn't a good sequel honey, but the first one when the old guys go in the water Oh, yeah, that's what it was Why do you keep ringing the doorbell hon? Here you go sir and talk to us Hey, I upgraded your blender while you were gone. I got you a ninja. Oh good. Oh, that's great. Wonderful.

Oh, a silent killer. Yeah, I thought you'd really love that. Yeah, a silent killer willing to betray anything to get the job done. That sounds good. Okay, kiddo, we're gonna hit the sack. We're very tired. Yeah, all right.

Got anything else? Yeah, well, I have to get going, but I just wanna mention that, unfortunately, when Reese was taking the car out one time She hit one of those really bad potholes down the road What and we had to replace the tire so that's all taken care of you don't have to worry about it All right, what'd the mechanic say? Um, you can I mean you can give him a call I don't know. I don't know anything about tires Reese handled it all. All right, honey call get Reese on. Yeah, okay. Hold on

my tires. Reese handled it all. All right. Honey, call get Reese on. Yeah. Okay. Hold on. I'm gonna call Reese. Hi, Reese.

It's your mother and father. We're back from our cruise. So hold on. Hold on, honey. You took my Mini Cooper. You crashed it. What did the mechanic say, Reese? I didn't do that.

This is Reese. What are you talking about? I didn't crash your car. What are you talking about? Carrie, what's happening here? What's happening, hon? Carrie, answer the question. Are you high? I don't know why she's putting on me

So if you're gonna lean in you need to get Reese on board with you, are you gonna do that? No Absolutely. Oh you are I think she would do it. Oh, you're gonna take the fall Okay, okay. So if Reese in, this is a good plan. If she's not, you gotta fix the tires. Will you follow up with us after you talk to Reese? Absolutely. It's gotta be fast, we got two weeks. Yep.

Okay. All right, thank you, Kerry, keep us updated. This episode is brought to you by the wonder-y podcast, The Big Flop. I love this podcast. I know Misha Brown, who is the host, who basically chronicles big pop culture fails and always tries to answer the age-old question,

who thought this was a good idea? I did an episode a while ago on this podcast about the Howard Dean scream. You remember Howard Dean scream? Yes, so funny. Everything fell apart. Yeah! And I'm doing it again, yeah, I'm doing it again coming up. a while ago on this podcast about the Howard Dean scream. You remember Howard Dean's scream? Yes. Everything fell apart. Yeah. I'm doing it again. Yeah, I'm doing it again coming up. But one that's coming out right now

is in the late 90s, an oil substitute called Elestra exploded onto the market. And the idea was basically that you could eat as many snacks as you wanted without gaining any weight, but there were a few catches. That's what I'm saying, this show is very funny. But anyway, like I said, this is a great podcast. It's called The Big Flop. It's hosted by Misha Brown. And to hear the full story of Alestra, follow The Big Flop on the Wondry app or wherever you get your podcasts.

And you can listen to The Big Flop early and ad-free right now by joining Wond Dream Plus. And Jake, you know, this podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. I've mentioned before my website is Squarespace. We've built a website for some of our callers through Squarespace. Very easy and it just keeps getting better and better. There's a fluid engine, which I know you love, Jake. You can build your online store. There's blogging tools. It's just very user-friendly,

and it gives you basically everything you would want in a website, and you know it's easy to use if I have my website through it. I saw a big uptick on my Squarespace website, kevinbartelt.com, so I just wanna say thank you to everyone who went to my website after hearing our ad. Pretty cool. Thanks everyone. That would be like me being like if you want to see me on the road doing stand-up go to garethrentals.com which is also Squarespace. Guys we are currently doing one ad.

That's what I'm saying. So listen if you're into websites you're into a business whatever it is go to www.squarespace.com Slash Gil sent me gotta remember Gil to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain By using the code Gil sent me This episode of we're here to help is sponsored by Philo Philo's got current seasons of the shows that I like to watch, that Gareth likes to watch on networks like A&E, MTV, Discovery, and TLC. You got classics like The Office, you got Martin, you got Friends.

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Hi. Hi. Welcome to the show with Gareth and. Jake, all right, with Gareth and Jake are here. Jake's here. It's a it's we're here to help America's number one podcast. Can we get your name, age, where you're calling from, please? Skyrocketing up the charts. Yeah, my name is Maggie, and I'm from Columbus, Ohio and I'm 24 really fast Maggie. Is this a real name? No, okay. I love the name Maggie. Oh interesting. I wanted mag

I fought for Maggie is one of my kids names. I think it is one of the most underused names Did you get to name either of your kids? I? Would like to say I had a vote so no no to name either of your kids? I would like to say I had a vote. So no. No. So the wife vetoed a lot of your stuff and then. Maggie the Floor is yours.

I wanted Maggie and Jake Jr. Maggie. Two for two and girls. Ha ha ha. George Foreman did it. Hey he did. All George Juniors and then Georginas and he had a bunch of them.

Yeah. And I want a bunch of them. Yeah. And I want a grill too, man. Oh man, I can't wait for your grill face. Oh, same. The Jadson Bratstamper. What do you think this podcast is? All right, Maggie, what's going on? Wonderful Pistachios.

Okay, so my mom calls my dad Big D. Oh no. He's always done this ever since I was little. Didn't think up much of it when I was younger because I'm pretty sure in her mind it's just a fun way that she shortened Big Dad or Big Daddy. But anyway. Fun.

It got to the point where my youngest brother who still lives at home has also started calling him this because he doesn't know any better. And then I got older, kind of realized exactly how weird this was, even if she doesn't. And she calls him it in public all the time, too, to the point where she said it at our wedding

in front of my husband's groomsmen. So he's just Big D. That's what she calls him 90% of the time. And you're noticing most people reacting the way you, most people are like, whoa. Yeah. Okay. Like all my husband's groomsmen were like, yeah, no, dude, her mom called him big D. No, it means big dick.

We're on the same page. So I just, how do I get my mom to stop calling him big D? At least in public. Like at home is one thing, but like, I've got to stop in public. So Maggie, just to be clear on this, because sometimes, you know, parents will say things that they don't. She might actually be meaning big daddy. She might.

Do you think this started because your dad has a big old dick? No, this started because- But we got to- because it's important. I mean, I hope not. I like, I- I hope so. I don't know. I mean, I don't know.

Okay. But I hope not. Because these are- it's two different roads to travel. If this started when they were dating, she was like, my man's got a big old dick. He's big D. And then when the kids happen it just carried on then that's a it's a like for example my wife the nickname we give her is Berbers and Berbers is because before I was around she and her sister got that my wife is not this type but she got

drunk drunk and her sister she was like on the curb somewhere and her her middle name is Barbara and her sister goes like do you know your name somewhere, and her middle name is Barbara, and her sister goes like, do you know your name? Or do you know your name? And she goes, I'm Berber. So Berbers is a different person than my wife, but Berbers lets it rip. So when you need trouble, you're like bring out Berbers. But now that we have kids, they'll be-

How often do you see Berbers now? Never. Never, yeah. But I ask for Berbers a lot. How would Berbers handle this situation? So Berbers now never never yeah, but I asked for Berbers, right? How would Berbers handle this situation so Berbers might have some connection that they have Pre-kids when they were just two crazy kids dating. Yeah, or it means big daddy I kind of feel like we need to know the origin of Big D in order to really solve this Well, it's definitely no because if your mother's out in public just like showboating that your dad has a I'm sorry big dick

Yeah, that's one thing that is one thing people to know. Well, what were you gonna say? Matt? You said so, right? Well, she also loves like mix it into like a little chant sometime This will go like big D fight for victory So I don't I don't know if it's like the fact that like it rhymes with her chance or like Well, your mom's fun. Oh Here's what we have to do. Yeah Yeah Is we basically in order to I think find out and try to solve the problem is

We need someone to tell your mom that big D doesn't mean big daddy to most people anymore It means that your dad has a big dick. We also might need to know. We might need to get from her what she thinks big D means. Well, I think the way to do that is this would be my pitch. My pitch would be we set up a ringer. So we have someone be around like your husband's friend, be around your mother and your father for the first time. And when she does it, he scoffs and goes, I'm sorry, you calling him Big D?

And when she's like, yeah, that's what I call him. He goes, oh, okay. Just do they know the internet thinks of that as something different? And you go, no, I well, mom, just so you know, today in the way we speak, big D actually means big Dick. So I think a lot of people when you and get it out that way, I've got a question. I think that's a smart move.

We could win that way, but what do you, how fast does your mom text you back? Uh, pretty fast. What about texting her right now? What does big D mean? I love Joe. Okay. Uh pretty bad. What about texting her right now? What is big D mean? What is big D mean and then she'll go big daddy why And then we'll see what it is or she'll say ha ha ha or she'll say I'm not telling and now we have a different problem How much do you think it means big daddy? Sam I'm like telling and now we have a different problem. How much do you think it means big daddy? Sam I'm like pretty I'd say

97% okay, so then let's get her to say that and Then cuz guess what there's a really easy way to do this. It's via text. Hey mom Question, what do you think big D means and she writes big daddy why and why? And you go, because I just had a, I just saw a show that there was a whole premise of it was that Big D just means Big Dick. Are you calling Dad Big Dick in public or Big Daddy in public? And she'll go, oh my God, Big Daddy.

And you go, I think we might need to fix this because it seems as if you're, I'm telling you what this younger crazy generation thinks, you're walking around calling this guy Big Dick. I would call him Big Daddy in public. Rather than Big Dick. Yes. But we gotta make sure,

cause what do you think of going that really direct route? It would get us results, it would for sure. But what do you think? My only concern is, I don't know if it's gonna like give me a black mark as a daughter, because like, growing up, dick was like a bad word. Like, that's not a word we were allowed to use at all. That's a shocking turn.

Specifically? To this family. Well, all of like, it was a family that did not do like, bad words. Oh yeah. Oh yeah, like we weren't allowed to say like, butt. Well then I think she would wanna know. So then your mom has no idea. Then I think she would wanna know. I think she has no idea then I think she I want to know so then your mom has no

Idea then I think she would want to know I think she has no idea. I think she has no idea, too Maggie I don't think she's comfortably walking around being like he's got a big no way I thought she was a loose have a couple cocktails mom she doesn't let her kids say but growing up She has no idea she's doing big dick chants. This is her nightmare. She's that sweet that she's just like, big daddy. And she's like, I love the big D in my backside. Literally, the backside of our house. Because that's where he's fixing the porch. And you're like, mom. This is the problem of how to broach this

when we weren't even allowed to say. I was judging your mom as kind of like one of those like ladies who like likes to party and goes on a boat and drinks too much. I was wrong. Then I would go with the ringer. And here's the other way you could slice it too. If you don't want to set up one of your husband's friends, you could go through your little brother.

You could say to your little brother, just so you know, when mom's saying big D. Do you know what most people are thinking and your little brother be like big daddy That's what we call him and you go no Most people think it means big dick right so like when we're out in public a mom is calling him big D Most people like what the fuck is going on with these people so you're having the little kid right the grenade Well, you're have you're just kind of cuz then he's gonna have to go like don't go I think dick well there you go trouble for saying anything then he gets the axe Okay, so I'm not into throwing younger brother under the bus personally I Think we've got to I like the thing you were saying about Have a ringer do it accidentally yeah set it up. I kind of feel like we do this via text Maggie

Your mom is- You're still in the text? Yeah, and here's why. Because the world Gareth and I are going to set up is going to be a ridiculously theatrical moment that is going to lead to, if executed, a very embarrassing moment for mom. This is a woman I think has no idea. But we're not going gonna be able to avoid that Yes, we will with what her texting a text. Hey mom quick question. What do you think big D means?

I ask because There's this new like tick-tock trend about that's good and she goes Big D equals big dad, why? And then you go, just as an FYI, there's like a new viral video that it's people calling big D, meaning people's private parts. Significant others, big D. In public. Meaning that they have a big, you know what.

A big private part. And I know that you do it in a different way. I just wanted to give you a heads up, because I love you and don't want you to put yourself in an embarrassing spot No, it's cuz your dad has a huge penis But what do you think of something like that via text? She's not shamed in front of anybody I gotta say I'm coming around on this right I listen I think I I think if you blame it on like a tick-tock tick-tock trend That guy called a little truck. Sorry

Okay, I don't know if she knows what take talk is but Yeah social media we want her to be the kind of geezer who calls it tick-tock You know yeah, and so what do you think about sending her a text right now born in the 80s? bigly What do you think of right now sending her a text right now. I was basically born in the 80s. Pigly. What do you think of right now sending her a text that says, hey mom, what do you think big D means? I don't hate it. I'm like nervous, but I don't hate it.

Of course you're nervous, it's scary. But right now you've got two very unprofessional, unqualified people walking you through it, so you should be more scared, but I also think you should do it couple of Berbers couple of Berbers Couple of piglies. So what do you think is just starting Maggie? Whipping out that big pee of yours and starting texting nice Oh, I know Okay, I'm so scared, but all right. Let's do it. Yeah

Well, I will make sure are you are you sure you're okay with this? Yeah, do you want to do this? Don't be pressured by a couple guys in their early 30s. Here's my concern is I think she'll immediately call me and be like, what's up? Then you open up the ass. Well look, here's the truth. The SP. One, stop doing this.

One of the pitches involves a lot more work and like Jake said, it involves you kind of having her have to figure this out in front of a stranger, your husband and you. The other option is that you just tell her that there is a social media trend that makes her nickname Now seem like something different and you're looking out for her because we got to get to a hard D Decision, okay Maggie. I have a pitch that is basically phrasing it that way but just a little softer which is Saying the context first then the question of like, mom, exclamation point, send. Just saw a crazy video where someone was saying big D

and it meant something different. Kevin, let me interrupt. What if right now we did a pretend viral video where we talk about it and you said to Duren said, I just saw this clip going viral. Mom, just be careful. What do you think? And you can send it to her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mom, just be careful. What do you think? Great. And you can send it to her.

I kind of love that. OK, so. OK, it's good, because I thought we were sending her down like a big A-hole for a minute, advice hole. So ready? Now, we are going to be YouTubers, TikTokers, big energy guys talking to camera.

Maybe we could do some graphics on it. Yeah. Make it real weird. And we're talking about the big D graphics on it. Yeah, make it real weird. And we're talking about the big D problem. Yeah. OK, ready? The big D problem being that a lot of people are saying they're significant others big D.

But they don't know what it means. Yeah, OK. And it's got to be short. OK. This clip's got to be under a minute, because she's going to have to text it to her mom. OK. Ready?

Your name in this is what my name is What her mom has no idea who we are. Yeah. All right. Well, then I'll be Pigly Why don't you be moe Let's talk about this real quick right now right now right now right now, it's so crazy So there's so many people out there right now calling their boyfriends or their husbands Big D! Big D saying they have a big dick, so it's a way to let people know No, no, but they don't know, they don't know

But people don't know that what it actually means is Big Dick! People are saying, hey Big D, hey Big D But what does it mean? Big D! So if you're out in public and you're saying like Big D to someone Meaning like daddy, meaning like daddy! Or anything, it means Big D! So everyone like daddy meaning like daddy or anything it means big dick

So everyone's laughing at you because they think it means big dick But literally I saw an older woman literally like a grandma. Don't know 70 years old. Oh, no She was saying to her husband. She said like hey big D And I was like you don't know what you just did Like and subscribe hurry smash the like How's that Maggie Maggie would you send that that was incredible was not be honest though is that too much will you actually send that or no it's like maybe a few two mentions of the word day okay but

well but it's shocking her I agree but Maggie right we need this too and actually for it to happen we need you to really send this to your mom Are you going to send that or in the end you're gonna go, ah, it's not gonna do the thing? I think I'd actually send it. Okay. It looks like it needs a stop. Okay. There we go. We're gonna give you just a take two.

Okay. And we're gonna send you both. Okay, okay. And you're gonna have options. And this is going to be a way less crazy one. Okay. That is just going to get the same message across. Okay.

And then Maggie, you're going to choose. All right. Ready? Yeah. Okay. Hey, Piggly. Yeah, Mo, what's up, uh, have you had this experience where you're walking down the street in a

supermarket, you see a woman say to her husband, Hey, big D, let's get home. Yeah. A lot of people are using big D right now. And are they using it correctly? Well, no, because I think a lot get home. Yeah. A lot of people are using big D right now. And are they using it correctly? Well, no, because I think a lot of people don't know what most of us think when we hear big D. Oh, I think they think it means big daddy. Something like that.

But what we're actually thinking it means is big. This dude has a big. Private. Dude, don't say the word. Bleep it. Bleep it. I don't care. Kevin bleep it.

Okay. But I don't care. I'll say it again. STOP! So everybody out there, this is a PSA, do you great people out there, please, we know that you think big D means daddy or Danny or David. But it means... STOP! You know!

Like and subscribe. Hit the smash button. What? What did you think of that one? Stop! Duh duh duh duh, you know. Like and subscribe. Hit the smash button, what? What did you think of that one? Okay, that was perfect. Okay, there we go. That's more moms. There we go, all right.

And let her know it's like a viral sensation. Yeah, because then it like is telling her that it's not what she think it is without her having to like feel scarred. Yeah, okay. All right. So let's send her that one. Tell her Mo and like feel scarred. Yeah, okay. All right. So let's send her that one. Tell her Moe and Piggly are like huge with kids.

It's Moe and Piggly, it's like that huge YouTuber. Say a couple of guys in their early 30s. Yeah, yeah, a couple of guys late 20s, early 30s, huge YouTubers. Really boyish. Boyish. Boyish. Yeah, keep it believable, mid-30s.

Kevin, can you mute yourself? So yeah, but like a couple early, stop it. Sniffing 50s. Stop it. A couple guys early 30s, big YouTube following, their early stop sniffing. Stop it. A couple of guys early thirties, big YouTube following their YouTube channels. Yeah. But, and then will you send it to her and then maybe do it via text or do it with her and film her?

I think we got to do that one. Would you, would you be willing to fill in your call in? Yes, I will. If I can get her like... Alone. Alone pretty soon. If it takes too long, then I'll just text it to her. And either way, we want to follow up.

But the text is fine, because even if we just got her response, it's good. Thank you guys. All right, Maggie. Thanks, Maggie. Thanks. Thank you so much. And Jake, we are brought to you by Cremeow. Cremeow is a rich, lathering, hydrating body wash, multi-layered fragrances.

We love Cremeow. You've been a big fan for a little bit. You've been pushing this one. I have. I'm glad. That's why I was so glad they came on board. When I go on the road, I'll put a little bit in the old travel one, and I use Creme Ow and I flew to Australia, took 25 hours,

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But yeah, so we love Creme OU. Look, you can find Creme OU Men's Body Wash in its new distinctive bourbon vanilla scent at Walmart or walmart.com. Once again, that's Walmart or walmart.com. And Jake, we're brought to you by Zmart.com. Once again, that's walmart or walmart.com. And Jake, we're brought to you by ZocDoc. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated

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Welcome back to We're Here to Help, America's number one podcast. We know that you're a follow-up. We don't know what your first call was, so do you want to give us an update? Give us your name. Yeah. Let us know where we're at. Great. Okay.

So my name is Reese. You actually talked to my sister, Carrie, who popped our parents' tire when they were on vacation. Oh, yes. OK, keep going so the audience knows, but we're both very excited. Reese, I'm very excited about this. This was probably our first follow-up that is someone else entirely. So this is me. Yeah, we should probably update you a little too. But OK, so essentially, your sister is known as the irresponsible one in your family, sort of, for lack of a better term.

Dad said, don't drive the car. She's going to house it. She's not supposed to drive the car. She does drive the car. Right? Yeah, well, she wasn't supposed to drive it. She was supposed to only drive it for like a short time. And then she decided to continue driving it.

Of course. And in the extended time is when she hit a pothole. And then she called you guys, and then apparently you told her to blame me for it. Yeah. This is awkward right now. That's what I was gonna say. I don't remember that part.

And I'll be honest. Just got busted. I'll be honest, I don't remember who pitched the blame you, but I do believe it was one of these, stop you but I do believe it was one of these stop it I do believe it was one of these ones where we pitched it and we kind of were like that's just an option So the others look shiny and she and she went with this one. We were like, oh She did tell me about it though, okay I was like, yeah, I was like fine. You want to blame it on me?

That's fine. Cause honestly, I kind of was hoping she would because I know how that would go. Wait, why were you hoping she would blame it on you? So my mom would then invite me over for dinner. They bring up the tire. I'd be like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I forgot about it. That was way back to winter.

Go from there. And then by the time I left and got home, my mom would have like, Venmoed or Zeld me like the $400. So I would be $400 richer. You'd have a full meal of food. You would watch like two shows. What a life.

I like mom. So, so because you get blamed, You would watch like two shows. What a life. I like mom. So, so because you get blamed, you're so charming and loved that you're able to leave the house richer. So everybody wins kind of except your parents. Your parents lose twice really? No, they win because they get to be around their favorite little Reese. Yeah, but they like you twice and they're in the whole 400 bucks. No, they were stuck. No, they

were stuck with Carrie and then they after they got received for only 400 bucks. Oh my god. So yeah, so what happened? So is that what happened? No, so so they got home. We all showed up at their condo to welcome them home. I was planning on telling them. Carrie was also planning on telling them. Neither of us had told each other this. You were both going to just say, this happened with the tire and you, Reese, were going to blame Carrie and Carrie was going to blame you. Well, no, I was going to take the blame. Okay, gotcha.

Because I wanted the $400. I get it. Because you love your no, I was gonna take the blame. Okay, gotcha. Because I wanted the $400. Respect, I get it. Because you love your parents, so you wanted to take the money. Yeah, I love my parents. I get it. Exactly, exactly. Turkey, meatloaf, and 400 bucks.

Yep. So they got home, and right away you could tell. You could tell that they were looking around this condo, figuring out what has been broken, what's missing, what is changed. What did Carrie fuck up, essentially? Yeah. Okay, did she tell you about the wine? No Okay

Before they left I had dinner with them I was on my way out I noticed that they had like a bunch of just like Kirkland wine like the Costco brand wine sure and I made a joke Saying oh you better hide that if you like it, Carrie will drink it all. And my dad got a little upset and was like, Oh, she better not drink at all. And my mom's like, here's it's Costco wine. Like, don't worry. So anyway, fast forward, Carrie does use it all. Oh my God. Wow. She doesn't drink it, but like she'll bring it to parties and like, you know.

She gives out their wine as a gift. By the, okay, there's two things amazing about this. Two things are amazing about this. The first is that she would just frivolously like go hand out the wine. The second is that anyone who drinks wine knows that Kirkland wine, if you bring to someone's house is almost just being like, I don't like you that much. Today's episode is brought to you by Kirkland wine, delicious

concords, grapes were smashing them by the ton. That's Costco wine, Kirkland wine, number one wine to buy in gallons. So what's funny about this is that he you know like a week before they come back she's like okay I'm gonna go pick up more of this wine he goes to Costco and finds out that they're all out of the specific type of wine I don't know what kind it is but apparently it's only made in the fall or put out in the fall. And it takes like two years to make. So it's actually like, Oh, it's actually nice. Like, who knows? It's actually nice wine, but she didn't like bother to lift this up.

And that's probably why my dad was like, Oh, this is great. Right. Mania. But also just as like an overall house sitting rule, you can't take from the house and give as gifts. Yeah. You can enjoy some of the stuff, but you can't go like, Hey, in the shower, they have some shampoo. I'll just go give it to my friend. She was in the house. She probably popped the tire when she was a leader, a Kirkland cab

hammer. This is wild. Okay. So she gifts out your dad's one. It's two year wine. Your dad likes it. She, she pops his tire, gets a cheap tire on it. What else did this mania do?

She sell the bed and turn it into an air mattress. How we really were giving her advice. We didn't know who we were dealing with, to be honest. Gareth, we never do. We never do, but I feel like we were like, look, Carrie, we can figure it out. Meanwhile, she's handing out the wine. While we're talking, she's lighting the curtains on fire.

She's the problem child. What do you got for curtains? And so, all right, so he gets home, there's no wine. So anyway, she ends up replacing it it with she replaces it with different wine that's like comparable actually probably a little bit better So if you kind of save yourself with that, but it's soon as my dad is home I'm like the line is by where we all put our shoes And so I'm putting my shoes on to leave and I notice he's looking up at the line Hmm, and he just smiles putting my shoes on to leave. And I noticed he's looking up at the wine

and he just smiled. And I was like, oh, he notices that that's not the same wine. He's all of a sudden he's like, so the wine. And Carrie's like, yeah, so I didn't know about that. And like, he's actually laughing about it. So we're like, oh, that's good. So what ended up happening with the tire? How did it all go down?

Did you tell that they didn't they know we both looked at each other and well and I was like, I'm not telling and she's like I'm not telling we kind of just gave that sibling look, you know And so we didn't tell and we just kept waiting for him to like come back and he has not noticed Which were shocked by Shocked is that that tire looks very different than the other ones And we just kept waiting for him to like come back and he has not noticed. Ooh. What? Which we're shocked by. Shocked, cause that tire looked very different than the other ones. I got bad news for you, Reese.

He noticed. He just didn't tell his daughters who drove him up a fucking wall. That's not a thing. That's not a thing. And so at this point we're waiting to hear what dad says. So at this point it feels like a win for the sisters. Yeah, a kind of.

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I really think that he's going to find out when he takes the car in and then somebody's going to be like, oh, this is a newer tire. Why didn't you replace the other one? Yes. That's so that'll come up at some race. He's for sure going to find out. Yeah, absolutely. That's and it goes back. He's for sure going to find out. Yeah, absolutely.

And it goes back to now she has to have a story ready. I don't know. Maybe I'll take the blame again, I don't know. But I think I lose out on the money at this point. If your mom gives you $400 for this, we see the real problem. It's not Carrie, it's not you, it's not the dad, it's the enabler, mom's the problem. I'm real sorry for your loss there, Reese. Yeah, Reese, we appreciate it.

We appreciate the call. Thanks for the follow-up and good luck. Let us know if he finds out and something happens. We would love to hear the end of this saga. All right, we'll do. Thank you. Hey, everyone. Producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up originally aired January 1st.

It's the episode called Parental Guidance with Eduardo Franco, and it is the second call on that episode. So if you want to listen to that as a quick refresher, go for it. All right. Enjoy. Howdy, friends. Howdy. It throws me. Howdy. Welcome back to We're Here to Help. You have Jake and Gareth here.

We know we're doing a follow-up, so we know you have an update, but would you mind telling us who you are and what you called about the first time before we get into it? Yeah, sure. So I'm Alice, and I called the first time because I was publishing a, we'll call it a spicy romance book. And I needed help with getting that in front of my dad in a way that wasn't going to scar the family for life or like make dinner really awkward. So yeah, you guys had some fun advice and I do have an update for sure.

Eduardo Franco and I offered to read the sultry parts of the story in a more PG-related fashion for your father, but I think what we landed on, correct me if I'm wrong Jake, is that we just do a special audiobook where you omit and you openly omit. Is that correct, Alice? Yeah. Yeah, you sent it to us. We played it at the end of the episode. It was very funny. It was great. So what's happening?

What happened? What did you do? What's the situation? Walk us through it. Oh, goodness. This went in a completely different direction than I expected it to. Oh, joy. Oh, joy. I'm usually do with your parents. No judgment though if that doesn't apply to somebody. But so I was more thinking this is going to be embarrassing, he was going to look at his little girl differently. What I did not consider is the fact that he would take it as an opportunity to now unleash years of information that I maybe didn't want to know about my parents of information that I maybe didn't want to know about my parents. Oh, boy.

Or just open the floodgates of, he's kind of seen this as like, well, you started it. So now here I go. I'm going to tell you all these things about how I met your mother or all sorts of crit or what your mother and I are up to these days that I really need to hear. Oh, so that's happened. Wait, hold on. Yes. Well, there's an enormous elephant that just walked in the room. What is he telling you? I mean, I'm not going to put his business out on blast publicly,

but I'm just saying, like, there are comments made about kitchen tables, about what places they have. Yeah. He's telling his daughter this. I think now he's getting too much of the kick out of trying to shock me back because I was afraid I would talk him and he's like trying to prove how unshockable he is. I don't know. Okay.

Gross. Hold on. I have to just jump in and I know this is not an advice. This is a follow-up, but Alice, the only way to win here with your dad is fire with fire. Stop it. He's trying. Cause I'll tell you what, as a dad, you try to be really funny and you go, this

will be great. All gross are out. You know what's really gross for him? If you say, oh, you did it on a table with mom. Well, let me tell you where I did it last night. And he goes like, oh, you're my daughter. No, I hate this. No, so do I. Because it's over and it's over.

He's like, that's pretty good. You know, we did that. But in the ass and you're like, Dad, and it's over, and it's over. No, because he's like, that's pretty good. You know, we did that, but in the ass. And you're like, oh my God. And then you go, so did I. You can enter a world of insanity with this, or you can end it in a hurry. Okay, so, okay, horrifying. So he's doing this. So is there any more evolution to this nightmare?

This has become a nightmare. I mean, I'm it, it kind of, I mean, yeah, family dinners are no longer safe. They are not. Yeah. Where he's porking. Yeah, that's true. And my siblings are like unintended casualties of this whole war. Sex shrapnel from father's erotica. And what's mom doing while dad's telling all these stories? Shaking her head and laughing and letting him do his, just letting it be. Now bring up the pool table, Carl. He couldn't finish. Yeah.

No, it must have, I got, my legs were literally too tired. That's why we stopped I said they're shaking. He said it's hot. I said stop it I'm over it So Alice, this is a strange follow-up and I'll tell you I never expected this turn. Yeah, it's weird I never expected this turn. Yeah, it's weird. No, you're right. Because you called in saying you wrote a book. There's some really steamy chapters you wanted to be able

to share with your family. The Texas mob. Yes, the Texas mob. But you didn't want them to have to hear all about the sex stuff. So then you omitted it out of respect. And the reaction you got was. You've liberated it.

You've liberated, you've turned your family into a sex crazed. You know. It's wild. You know what it reminds me of? It's like when you get involved in entertainment or comedy, when your family starts pitching you sketches or ideas. That would be good for SNL. Yes.it sketches that or ideas SNL yes

not like my mother will just be like you should tell this story on stage and I'm like when does it get good but instead you're dealing with the like the like sex the sexuality of your father I do have a pitch yeah if we want to try really fast really fast Garrett to connect on. The other thing that it also does in the entertainment is you get random text from like my dad's old friends who will go like whatever that movie is, like Ricky Stinnick or whatever. Yeah, right. I'll get a text from an unknown number like, have you seen Ricky Stinnick? It's very funny.

And I'll go, who is this? And it'll be like your father's old golf buddy's wife. And I'll go like, I haven't seen it. And they'll go like, you would like it. And I go, why? Why? I'm a guy, I'm actually just a guy. Just because I do this business?

If anything, it makes you not enjoy things in that way a little bit more. I'm not interested in watching it. I'll never see it. It's fine. But go ahead. What's your pitch? Well, you need to, in order to bring decorum back into this household, you might need to

bring shame back into this household. And the only way that I could think of doing that is potentially a smoke screen where you tell your father and your mother, and I'm not saying you do this, but you say this, that you're writing a book about their exploits that maybe brings a little bit of, for lack of a better term, I don't want to say shame, but it makes them feel like maybe they're being a little too free with this information. Live by the sword, die by the sword on this one. Yes. It could go the other way.

It could for sure. He could end up being, he could treat you like a sexual stenographer. Yes. Yeah, he could just think that's his chance to up his game. He could. He could become famous. I don't know. Yeah.

I am just, at this point, what I've been doing is really just kind of hoping it'll like wear itself out and like he'll get all his material out and then we'll be somewhat back to normal. I don't know if that's realistic. No. That's sort of all I got because I didn't come into this prepared for this eventuality. Alice, Alice, I have a pitch. And it's going to take some producing to get this one done. Okay. Kevin's Kevin's excited.

I think we need to have your dad on the show. Oh, okay. Because I think you, Alice, come on. Does he know you were on a podcast about the first time? Mm hmm. He does. He does. So he's heard. Did he hear it? And he heard about the omitting and he had fun with that. And so he has gone to another place with it. I think we need to have that on without you. Without me. Oh, God. I'm terrified. I need to have data on. And we got it. And the premise of the call now, you know how this show works. Whoever's on.

Gareth and I unfortunately are whichever way the wind blows. We're with you and then we're with somebody else or with somebody else. So I can't promise how that's going to end, but they were going into it with the mission of dad. We got to stop stop telling these stories and where're your buddy and we're gonna try to help you but I think we're gonna need his email if you're comfortable with that. And if he passes, he passes.

What do you think, Alice? And I'm gonna tell you why I wanna fix this cause we're here to help, god damn it. Okay, tell me. There's a way that this is gonna get really bad. It's a great episode. We're here to help our audience members. Join us on Patreon.

No, but here's why, Alice. And here's the truth. Here's the truth. There's a chance this goes sideways, right? And your dad is just- One of your mom's favorite positions, by the way. Ew. Sorry, I'm sorry.

We'll cut that out. But there's a chance it does go sideways and your dad has a lot of fun. We have a lot of fun. And in the end, we tell him, you know what? Fight fire with fire. Double down on Alice. Ruin every meal.

You're the funniest guy in the world. But what I think is going to happen is we're going to have a lot of fun. And in the end, he's going to go, all right, I'll cool it and we'll go. Thank you, sir. You're helping the show. And he goes, I'm done. And you guys get a big family laugh. What do you think, Alice? You know what? At this point goes I'm done and you guys get a big family laugh. What do you think Alice?

You know what at this point I'm willing to try it just because I mean to your point It can only go one of two ways. I don't really have any other ideas. You're already You're already losing. Yep. Yeah, and I think he would get a kick out of it Like I think you guys will have a good time with them and I'd rather him directed at someone other than me for a little bit. And I think that makes a lot of sense. And I think we are those who want it directed at us. Jake doesn't speak for everyone who's hosting the show, but he definitely speaks for himself. But I do think it's right. I think we can let's look, you're out of your Swiss Army knife is cashed out. Let us take a couple cracks at it and see what we can, let's look, you're out of, your Swiss army knife is cashed out.

Let us take a couple of cracks at it and see what we can do. All right, yeah, I'm game. Let's do it. Alice, we're here to help. We can't wait to talk to your dad about sex. Thanks, Alice. Thank you, Alice.

Thanks, guys. We're here to help is hosted by Jake Johnson. And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakiyo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A-L-L-I.com.

The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. Additional artwork by Patty Holland, you can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, to our patreon at patreon.com slash here to help And if you'd like to be on the show email us your question at helpful pod at gmail.com All of the advice given on we're here to help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own

decisions