We're Here to Help - 91: Bonus Calls and Q&As!

Episode Date: June 29, 2024

Enjoy some of our favorite bonus calls and Q&As from the Patreon! To hear more, make sure to subscribe to the Ones and Twos tier at Patreon.com/HereToHelpPod. See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a headgum podcast. Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. We are releasing a special bonus episode today of some of our favorite Q and A's and bonus calls that we've been doing over on the Patreon. You've probably heard us talk about the Patreon and some of the intros and teasing the upcoming live stream of the 100th episode on July 25th. But if you're unfamiliar how it works is every time Jake and Gareth and I record, we try to always record some extra content that lives just over

there. So like I said, some Q&A's with the fans answering any questions and you know how Q&A's work. And also some bonus calls that have been a ton of fun and behind the scenes with the guests and even early access whenever we can of some of the episodes, which has been really cool. There's also a really fun community tab. And so there's a whole world of people chatting about the episodes as well. And then we try to get in there whenever we can.

If you like this and you like what you hear, you can check out more of it at patreon.com slash here to help pod and check out the membership. It's called ones and twos. That's because we release bonus episodes on the 11th and 22nd. Also just a ton more. So hope you enjoy this and enjoy the rest of your weekend. See you on Monday.

Hello. Hi, welcome to the Patreon part of we're here to help. Who are you? I'm Claire. Claire. How old were you calling from? I am 36 and I'm calling from Arkansas. Well first of all, thank you for being on our Patreon.

We appreciate it. And um. Absolutely. What do you think of guest helpers as what we call the people who come on the show and help us? You like that right? The guest helpers? Like your.

Yeah like when someone like we have a famous person come on and help us we right the guest helpers like your yeah like when someone like I'm like We have a famous person come on and help us we call them guest helpers everyone's talking about it Do you like that name for the people who come on down? Yeah? I think that's cute. So do I thank you, okay? That's cute now. No stop it. Okay. Well what talk to us. What's up? Okay? So my question is Who would you two pick to play you in a movie and it cannot be Aaron Paul and it cannot be Joe Pesci? By the way Claire you nailed it. It's Aaron Paul and Joey Pat's pretty good. It's a great Cast those two together

Claire that's great. Well, I know it's really hard because it's perfect. Are you are you asking us like who we think we look like or like who we dream, dream actor to play us? Dream actor to play you. And it doesn't have to be somebody who looks like you necessarily. You know what I would honestly like? I would like an animatronics of a silverback gorilla. This is a crazy We thought my answer was gonna be crazy then I heard yours and I would want it to be like it could be my voice

I'd play the voice but I wanted to just be the voice I want it to look so goddamn good Claire like the kind of money you spend on this technology. It's just a full-on silverback She said we can't afford yours Look Claire's asking for my dream, but I would like to be played But and nobody ever comments on the fact that I'm a silverback So if it's like a story about upbringing and it's like at the little league game when I hit a home run She's a silverback at a sleepover. It's five little boys in the silverback. Good night, Jake Good night, and then it's me going like good night. Mrs. McKelley, but it's a full

Silverback like eight blankets trying to cover it at the sleepover. You got well Jake's answers obviously next level. I want him Insane I wanted I would either say Denzel Washington or Anthony Hopkins. That's what I would say Denzel Washington or Anthony Hopkins. That's what I would want. Denzel Washington, because I'd like to see me in my boring life have someone be like, punch it up for like, you know what I mean? I got to get a salad. Just that level of emphatic nature.

I wish Lamorne was here right now. He would have a minute and a half. He would be great. Teeing him up right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Anthony Hopkins Hopkins because again, brave choices. And again with my like to watch him do kids birthday

parties is like, of course I'm your Spodum, man. I would love to watch that. Claire, we're being told to move on. We appreciate your call. Thank you for being part of our show. Oh wow. Oh, our first video! Hey!

Hey look it's you! Oh my god, I'm so red, I'm so excited! I like the video, I like the video. I do too. For the Patreon. I agree, I agree. What can we do for you? Thanks for calling in. Oh cool view, where are we? You're on a train, you're on a bus? I'm on a train, You're on a bus.

I'm on a train. I'm coming home from work. Oh, three hours ahead of you guys. So where are you? Where are you? What's happening? I'm in Toronto, Canada. Yeah.

Oh, I have two questions for you guys. My first is what is a typical day like for you? The second is what is your guilty pleasure at the end of a long day? Ah, well, first of all, what do you do in Toronto? I'm a nurse. I'm a transplant coordinator. So I coordinate trips with. Oh, nice.

That's incredible. And then how long is your commute on that train? About 45 minutes. Do you, Monday and Thursdays, are you pretty locked into the show? Yeah, that's my commute, is my 45 minutes on the show. I'm realizing what I love about podcasts is that you're making stuff for people's commute.

Oh yeah. Which is, and that's when I listen to podcasts. Yeah. No, it's the best. It makes you think back to like when you didn't have something so easy to just listen to. It's like, what were you doing? When I get it. Remember when you just back to like when you didn't have something so easy to just listen to. It's like, what were you doing? When I get it.

Remember when you just listen to the radio and you were like, man commercials at every station. But I now get in the car and if I'm throwing tunes on, I'll be like, well, isn't this weird? Yeah. Listen to me listening to the Eagles. A 20 year old. Look at me, a fucking young co-ocard. Listen to music.

I should get some darts. Yeah, then it goes right back to a pod. Smoke a cigarette. So a regular day for me would be nothing too exciting. I'm trying to do since January 1st. I'm doing five days a week getting at least a workout in. So you start with that. So I do it somewhere in the day, but I'm always it's jujitsu based. I don't need the eye contact. I'm so sorry.

It's like talking to Steven Seagal for some it's like weird. Shani, you should know that I am the danger these days. What is that? It's like a not okay thing to say to anyone. I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm like, I'm so sorry, Shannon. It's like talking to Steven Seagal for so it's like weird. Shannon, you should know that I am the danger these days. What is that? It's like a not OK thing to say to anyone. What is your job? Thank you. Thank you.

And as a nurse, you know, you see a lot of victims of people. They come in there. You need to get a transplant. You got to get new arms and new legs for this. I'm talking because they just say what happened and they go, I came across the danger. A Jiu Jitsu person. We call you Joke? Because they just, and you say what happened, and they go, I came across the danger, a Jiu-Jitsu person. What do you call a joke Jitsu? I'm gonna call you a pretzel.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Gareth, what's your guilty pleasure? Um, oh God, I mean. Looking in the mirror, doing your hair in different ways? Ha ha ha. No, no, my guilty pleasure.

Going to Sephora and getting a bunch of different glasses. Do you want me to answer? Yes please, yes please. Or do you want to just be jiu-jitsu danger? Jake I'm gonna just take them Shannon and crack. I heard a loud pop from that feel good. I Would say a guilty pleasure is probably either I like to drink wine or watch it I like below deck below deck is my guilty. I watch deck. Yes. I do. I love below deck I've seen every below deck. Oh, yeah, everyone sailing yachts Mediterranean

The og How do you compare it to the challenge? Okay, who's your favorite captain? Who's your favorite captain sandy Shannon? Who's your favorite? Oh, look at what look at her. Hey, you just you know, by the way Yeah, what was that just made is how I've become that to this guy. What was that? That's a normal human reaction to you gareth. Hold on. I'll let her answer Why why do you hate sandy? She's just kind of a mean bitch She's not at all She builds them up. Oh stop it. See

Oh, no, the australian captains are much better. All right. Well, listen the australian Actually, ozzy ozzy captain is just obviously a hunk. I mean, he makes Kevin look like a dweeb. That's how hunky this guy is. You should see this guy. He is good looking. Well, Shannon, we appreciate the call. Thank you for calling.

Yeah, enjoy the rest of your commute. Enjoy that 45 minutes. We got some fun episodes coming up. Thanks. You'll be accompanying me. All right. up. Thanks. You'll be accompanying me. All right Hello, hi Welcome to the page and we're here to help. Thank you. I'm so excited. We are too. So what's your name?

My name is Stephanie. What's up? I Stephanie Hi, Stephanie. Where are you calling from, Stephanie? I am from Mobile, Alabama. Ooh, beautiful. Alabama. Is it hot there right now? It's like 80. Beautiful. Well, what's going on? Talk to us. Well, I am calling to get your opinion on something.

I am in a Mardi Gras organization, a parading society. And right now we're starting to gather items that we throw off the float and to the crowd. And so I was looking for some unique and fun ideas of things I can throw off the float. And so you're obviously doing the bracelets, you're doing the necklaces, you're doing the beads, you're doing the flowers.

Yes, yes beads are like low hanging fruit. That's like the easiest thing to throw. Let's be honest. Everybody will lift their shirt for some God damn. I've done it. Some other things that I've thrown off there's these pickle in a pout. Oh God. Gross.

I've eaten those. Yeah. I've thrown that. That's fine. I've thrown, um, wrap snacks, which are like chips with like famous wrappers on the outside of them. Like Snoop Dogg and Lil Baby. Fun.

You could throw astronaut food. Oh, I like that. That's crazy. Oh, yeah. Right? And somebody goes and like, what is it? And they're like, it's astronaut food. Remember astronaut food?

I don't think I've ever seen that. Yes. Ice cream? Yes. There is someone who does throw ice cream sandwiches. Yeah, but you've got astronaut food. Astronaut food is a whole other animal. Because the one thing you don't want is,

if you're out there, you're drinking, you're partying, you're doing drugs, whatever you're doing, or you're just enjoying your day, but you're hanging around the parade, something comes throwing at you and you catch it, you don't want to be like, oh, a little Debbie, little thing, who cares? You wanna grow. Well, this was a weird experience.

I like that one a lot. I think, I mean. I like that too. Yeah, I would say, I got two. What if you did like some of those crazy straws? You know, those straws that go like all windy since you're drinking all those weird cocktails that day, or if the people are doing cocaine You could have ever done cocaine out of like a weird imagine that working no you want the shortest path

From a to b You don't want to you don't want to be taking a break What you probably wouldn't be able to get it all the way a funny thing from a movie It would be great from a movie the other thing you could do if you want to be a little bit of a mom about it, is you could throw out like, you know, vitamins that like milk thistle, which is like good for the liver. Milk thistle would be hilarious. And then you do it in like a little baggie of pills so it looks like drugs, but all they're taking is milk thistle.

Can you throw pills into, I wonder what the lekele? I guess you probably could. Here's my last pitch, is you and people from the parading committee, you can, things that you don't want anymore, you could pool those. Garbage. This is just an easy way to get rid of it.

Oh, I've got another thing you could do. You could go to Kinkos and get little photos of yourself and then put them in a little bag and then It's got you put it for weight one penny and a photo of yourself So people go like what is this and they open it's a bag. It's who is one penny and some lady from the float Would be so weird a thousand pictures of you with the penny What do you think of those? We're probably not solving your problem, but with a penny. What do you think of those? We're probably not solving your problem, but they are funny. What do you think? No, it's yeah,

that's what I'm looking for. Funny stuff. Like the astronaut food is definitely something that I can get. The picture of myself might be weird just because we're supposed to be a secret. So I have to like cover my face a little bit. What about really hot jalapenos? He did pickles in a bag. Yeah, I can do that any type of food item Just like the idea of really hot jalapenos a lot of people throw them out and every once in a while You'll get somebody who goes like fuck it. You know what else you could do remember when well at least when we were kids You would get like they you know, they had the baseball cards But then it would be like back to the future cards and you would be like putting them in your you could just go and find a bunch of those weird eighties, seventies, eighties, nineties cards and you could throw those out too.

How about Lady Viagra? Lady Viagra. What's that? It's like me. Thank you so much for the call. We appreciate it. We hope you have a wonderful time. Thank you so much. Hello. That's a plus. Yeah, good luck. Thank you so much.

All right. Bye. Hello. Hi there. Hi. Can we have your name, please? Yeah, this is Sam. Sam.

And Sam, where are you calling from and how old are you? I'm calling from Omaha, Nebraska, and I am just outside of 30. Just outside of 30. Explain what lives... Just because of the really cool mystery there. What is outside of 30? You're about 48 years old or you're about 19? I'm just outside of 30. I'm outside of 20. That is the mystery that remains. Now I just turned 40 so I heard your you're the best that is my favorite thing that's happened to do it what a great and like a little dork on my notepad I wrote 30 at first yeah me

too I fell for it right away perfect then it's working yeah you're working well we're excited to hear your problem that might be fabricated a little bit But why don't you tell us tell us why you're calling them? Well, we'll see what we can do for you. Okay, so I live in the Midwest and I moved from Georgia to Nebraska and so it's our first summer Owning a home here. And basically what happened is that We let our grass grow so long. I felt like I was living on

the little house in the prairie back here and so we I don't know if you've ever mowed really thick grass without any accessories like the thing that shoots it off to the side or You know, so ultimately it kept clogging up and dying to the point where I have to have my husband come out and start it because even though I think I'm super strong, I cannot actually get the mower to start sometimes. So I thought I'd reach out to you guys to see if you had any cheap, fun and creative ways to solve this problem.

I do. You do? Perfect. Well, just to be clear, the problem is how do you get the lawn trimmed without your husband's help or how do you get the lawn cleaned up? How do you get the mower to not clog? How do you get the mower to not clog? By the way, you have called the right podcast.

Yeah, I mean, Jake and I, these are the big questions. These are the we do. We like to deal with the big ones. Life's big ones. I thought you guys were here for the serious side of it. We're here for the good stuff, Sam. And this is the good stuff. So let me ask you a question. Are you a woman who works out?

If I said yes, let's just go down that path You are interesting mister. Why don't you just say why everything? This is the first call that you have utterly confused me and I'm more intrigued by this call I've ever I don't want to then yeah, I what the best way to put it would be I'm just outside of joining a gym Absolutely, you know, I'm just outside of joining a gym. Absolutely. You know, I may have the gym pass, I may go, but do I go inside? I don't know.

No, I get that. So the reason I say that is, my brother-in-law, my sister's husband, used to do a thing called dad workouts, and he tried to create a thing where whenever you're doing something, if we were like all taking groceries in with the kids, he would go, let's see if you and I can carry all the bags and squat our way in.

So from the car to the kitchen was a super weird workout that was also slash fun. So the thing I'm going to pitch to you is this. You got some thick grass in that backyard, it's eating up your lawn mower, what a drag, right? Now you could just let it rip and have a back, you have a party backyard and who cares, but if you want it low, get yourself a machete. Now we've gone down the- You've gone down the machete road?

Well, I like to call it more of like I think they're called like a Right. So it's like this thing that I ain't talking about. I was iced. I'm talking about snow with Shetty No a site. It's a thing that like it looks like the Grim Reaper thing, but he like we're talking Yeah, okay. So We've also thought of like a fire blaster, you know Sure, but it's too wet. But hold on but so what happened when you got the zeist? The machete didn't work. It doesn't no it takes a really long time because we just you guys will um, we live on um

Quarter of an acre almost. Okay, you got a nice spot. So, and then, you know, with the house on it. So, if you think about a machete, like you have to have some taunt in it so that somebody can chop it. Otherwise, I don't know. I know how to use a machete. All right, Jay, calm down.

All right, chill out, Gareth. Yeah, don't tell me to chill out. You chill out. Okay. We've also thought about goats. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. And what's the thought on that? Well, I really enjoy the dad exercises.

I feel like we need to close the loop on that and that I think my husband could really benefit from that. So as a takeaway, you wrote that down. I'm gonna write that down for myself because I think that that's a great, great option. Okay. So the idea of dad workouts, but then what would he, because the reason I was going to say with the dad workouts, but I'm going to also put that on a mom workout.

And if you don't have kids, then I'm going to put it on a Sam workout. And that is you grab that machete, put yourself in a, you know, a nice three quarter squat. So you're burning thighs and just whack, whack, whack until you're dripping with sweat. And you might look up and go, I've gone four yards, but that was four yards you didn't have before. Go inside, get some lemonade, throw an iPod in your ear and get back out there. Whack, whack, girl, get going.

In a month and a half, it might be gone. I don't know how long it's taking, but what you're gonna get out of it, whack, whack, girl, get going. In a month and a half, it might be gone. I don't know how long it's taking, but what you're going to get out of it, Sam, is some mean-ass shoulders, some mean arms, some great Omaha sun, and you're going to rip those calves a little bit. Yeah. Okay. Gareth is hating this, Sam, but I think you and I are bonded on it. I think that we're close to it, but I'm scared.

Okay. Okay. I would be too. I would be too. I would be too. It seems like you have a budget. Seems like you're potentially buying a fire blaster. You're talking about getting, sounds like multiple goats. But might I just pitch that you bring in someone to just do the first pass at this, like a landscaper, and then you just maintain a lower level of the

grass where it's not like trying to get through a jungle. That's shockingly good advice. That is perfect advice. It differs on what we were thinking, which was go to Home Depot, get a riding lawn mower, mow the lawn and then be like, oh no, something broke and then have Home Depot come pick it back up. Yeah, they could be, but there could also be some, there could be fights and trouble on that. Do you think so? I do.

Do you think Home Depot would care about Sam from Omaha, Nebraska though? I gotta tell you, sometimes they do. You're not just dealing with corporate. If you happen to get one manager with a carrot up his ass and then all of a sudden you're like, pull it broke and he goes, and then he, then you're sitting there with an $1,800 mower. You're never going to use again. I'm going to go, no, there's 25,000. That's what I mean. I mean, you're, you're a galaxy of hurt where now you have, you could have got a, you could have got an oldsmobile for fuck's sake. I think Gareth is actually onto this. What about hiring a crew to come once a month?

You don't need it once a week Even if it gets going like and or if you just go because if you're talking about you're in this You know, it's kind of ruining the fun of your backyard. You're new to it. You don't need a once-a-week guy No, you need to come once a month and I guarantee somebody wants that job and if you're on a real budget and you don't want to hire eight guys in a truck, put a sign up and get a couple of teenagers, a couple of 16 year old who will go, she paid me a hundred bucks cash. I think in Omaha you're gonna find willing parties to do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah that's a good suggestion i think that uh... i guess if you guys think that's better than getting a blowtorch or go

i'm gonna i feel very confident that it is better than getting a blowtorch you do it uh... what i think it's better than the blood for sure what do you think the realities and you actually get into goats they're legal in my county okay so you can't do the goats. Are sheeps illegal? We can't even have chickens in our county. Understood.

So Sam, our advice to you on this one is coming from me, which I now think is wrong, is to turn it into a workout, grab a machete and let it rip a little bit. Gareth's advice, which I think is also right on this one, is to hire a crew, either professional or just neighborhood kids like a babysitter, throw signs up and let somebody kind of come once a month to get this under control until you decide what you want to do with it. How we like to end this call is, is there anything you have heard on this that you think you might do? And if not, what do you think you're going to do to solve this problem?

I really, really think that I'll probably go with door number two. I feel like throwing up some signs and, or, and or finding someone with the proper tools would be the most effective way to handle it in the fastest method. Sam, good luck to you. We're on your tail this one. Good luck, Sam. Thanks, guys.

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Hey everybody. Welcome to the Patreon exclusive Q&A. We're going to start a new thing where we are having Patreon members call in and just fucking BS. Yup. Yup. What we love to do, Jake. True the fact. I'm excited about it.

I am too. What do we got, KB? This is from Tanya. She asked if your moms were to call into the show, what would their problems be? You know what's a funny thing that you could probably break us down? How different our moms are.

Yes, very, yes. Because you're now here in Eve. I'm here in Pam. Pam is very supportive. Pam loves it. Yes. Pam is, she just thinks this is very supportive. Pam loves it. Yes, Pam is. She just thinks this is so great.

A word problem is, is just lovely. Your problem is you guys don't talk enough. Yeah. And keep going and go for it. You too. Your mom's like, relax. My mom's like, here's what's better about car talk. Lady Mo.

Mama Mo Mo Mo Mo Mo.. Well what would you say Eves would be? I know you've talked about these stairs at her house. So my mom's well first of all my mother would never call it. Right. The idea of calling in for help is not a trait that Mo's do. Right. You don't fall off the Mo tree in Congo. Here's an issue. Right. But- You're mow. You're in charge. And everything's gone wrong. Yeah. So, if right now she's currently doing reno on her house, Right.

That has been a 65 year project. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Normal timeline. From numerous- every place she's been, the same project, keep go. So she'll get to a place and as soon as the bathroom's finished, she'll get a new place and destroy the bathroom. Right. But her question would be how do I complete a renovation project? And I will tell my advice to her in real life and here is hire people and stay out of their way. Good advice. Yes. My mother goes on a lot of walks and and this will only help play into the bullshit that Jake has pushed before.

But there are men cute outfit. There are men who creep on her. Oh, really? Yeah. Like older men will like be like hit on her. So I would imagine she would want a way to sort of avoid these conversations. So your mom gets hit on a lot and doesn't like it. Not a lot, but definitely is like opposed to it. Like my mother, my mother is only, there's only been like, did you see the Banshees of Isharin?

Well there's a guy in this, he's an English actor, you'd know him, that's the only man I've heard my mother be like, I like him in like 40 years. There's been another one. Okay, know him. That's the only man I've heard my mother be like I like him Yeah, in like 40 years been another one. Okay. Anyway next step. Hello. Well, first of all, you are our first patreon caller oh My god pretty big heavy is yes. So this is our first ever we're trying something new We're gonna see how it works. This is exclusive for patreon. You are a member. Thank you for joining the Patreon. And can we get your name please? Yeah, my name is Jess.

Jess? Jess, where are you calling from? I'm calling from Salt Lake City. Quick question for you, Jess, in Salt Lake City. What are you thinking of the Patreon? Yeah. I'm liking it. It's fun. It's fun to go and chat with people. Oh, there's a community for me. The help is that right is the gilly beans the gilly beans? Yeah, okay So Jess, do you have a question today? So this is gonna be rather than a patreon exclusive

This is a gilly bean exclusive. Yeah Okay, so Jake has to name Gareth biography andret has to name Jake. What are the title? Are you calling me Garrett or Gareth? I just want to, okay. Okay. I want to make sure this was the most liked, uh, question to you on the page. Name the other ones by, uh, that's a good question. Hey, I got a question for you, Jess. I got one. Have you, you've listened to a lot of the show. I do. Yeah. I'm a couple of, couple of weeks behind. That's fair

Uh, how about you go first? Well, it's kind of like an inside joke with my friends and so I think like the last one we made somebody was talking about Naked and afraid and I was like outside of my biography Afraid is pretty good. And then just what do you got for Gareth? You got a name mine. Oh, um, I feel like That Aaron Paul has to make an appearance I got one for Gareth. I'll stop talking when I'm dead It's I went to the dentist yesterday and

She's the best I love my dentist and you know while you can't communicate obviously while they're but she talks the best. I love my dentist. And you know, while you can't communicate, obviously, while they're... But she talks the whole time. So in between moments when she was in my mouth, I was fitting so much talking into the breaks. Where she was like, you don't have... And I was like, this is a compulsion. I have to. I was like, Jake is... I was like trying... I was like... And while she's talking, I was storing up bits in my head. I was like, I'll talk about it. Others do there is listen.

I was listening. No, I was like, exactly. You know what you should do with the tooth free thing? Here's what you should do. You should tell your kid. You fundamentally said you were storing storing this like a squirrel with others. Listen, I and then I'm sorry that I have the best part of the conversation ready to go. OK, mine for Jake would be rulebook because too much got book in it. And it is also Jake has I think we've touched on it on the show, but Jake has this innate ability to, he'll pitch on, like this is why I thought the podcast would be so good, is because he'll pitch on things right away and a lot of times you'll go that's pretty good. But they don't, but even the show I'll keep pitching on,

the problem is it never stops. And there's a lot of bravado But a lot of times like that's pretty good and there's a lot of misses There's a lot of misses, but you will acknowledge that but it's a good building Yeah, and he liked the way that he would game out things so quickly my friend Steve And I our friend started calling him rulebook because we were like this guy literally we'd be walking down the street You'd be like first one to throw a dime in that cup gets a free beer we'd be like this is great but this is why i think the podcast works together and just thank you for this question is we knew it early on we the first episode we did we did the zoe was our first guest so we did zoe i think she was our fourth one we wanted to do a

few callers before and gareth got a little quiet because he was like, well, you guys have known each other and he let us go. And afterwards I said, if you remember, I go, hey man, we're doing this together, you gotta keep shooting. And I go, if I'm talking to them and we're in a bit, even if I jokingly tell you to shut up, I was like, the bit has to be you're constantly shooting. Yes. So the idea of rule book and I'll stop talking

when I'm dead. Is it alternative title for this show? Very, very much so. Because that is what it is. Very much so. It's why it kind of has worked. We both are ready to go and you are always ready to because i'll go a lot of times and you'll hear on the show If somebody calls in with an issue that I it's a tricky one Gareth and I a lot of the time we're making eye contact

And we'll be giving each other nods and a lot of times what i'm saying i'm like looking at my notepad I'm like, I don't get this one and i'll go you got anything gareth and i'll know he does it but he'll go Yes, I do so and you'll feel him vaping. Reitman was the first one who called you out on it Yeah, where she would be like, this is a lot of VAMP and you realize there's 45 seconds where he hasn't said anything He's having joy the audience is having joy and then he'll go in the middle of it. He'll go. Yeah, and then he'll go Oh actually now we've started well that happens with us too yeah one of us will just throw out something something watered down and the other will be like no but now we yeah but you need a shooter yes we appreciate your call we appreciate you being a Ghillie

Bean and we hope this thing keeps getting better and better thank you Thank you. Awesome. Thank you guys. Thanks Jess. Hello. Hello. Hey, how are you doing? First of all, thank you for calling. Oh, thank you for taking my call. Can we get your name please? Yeah, my name's Alex. So we're on with a one and two or Alex and where are you calling from, Alex?

I am calling from the middle of nowhere in California in a van, but I live in Los Angeles. I like the van life. Where are you in the middle of nowhere, roughly? We just stopped in Kettleman City for some In-N-Out. Fun. Well, what can we do for you, sir? What's on your mind? Well, I was told that you guys are doing a Q&A today, so I have a couple of quick questions

for you. Okay, well number one, I was curious as to what Garrett's favorite road snack is, since I'm going to be on the road for the next six weeks. I mean, you're every year. You know what I like? Before you get into that, what are you doing on the road for six weeks?

Oh, I'm playing music. Oh, nice. What's the name of the band? The band's name is Cheekface. So one and twoers, support the Cheekfaces. Cheekface, where are you going to be? Are you going all around? What are you doing?

Like Pacific Northwest? NorCal? We're doing a full North America. We're full US and Vancouver and Toronto. So Canada. Great places. Yeah. Well, it depends.

I always find when I start on the road, it's an RX bar. Fucking love RX bars They're great. They're healthy Then as you get halfway through or three-quarters of the way through the wheels start to come off the diet You're starting to not give a fuck anymore as it gets later If you're doing overnights, it starts to become those little donuts those donuts sure those yeah to become those little donuts those donuts sure those yeah I'm a problematic snack but a smart pop if you're trying to keep the weight off which is the goal I would go with our X bars and smart pop if you don't give a fuck I would say

start going into those donuts and those little honey buns don't it just let it rip oh man the honey buns I forgot. Yeah, they don't sleep on them Literally, you could die. Yeah. No, I I will not fall asleep on one. That would be the big problematic What else you got? Is that it buddy? Is that the call? Well, so my my second question was a little more specific for both you guys because I didn't want to leave Jake out What is each of your? McDonald's orders. Oh Don't go there yeah, don't go there stick to in and out. I mean I eat the doughnuts Yeah, I would over that. What what do you get at McDonald's? Oh, I'm a McChickenboy myself

How old are you I'm a McChickenboy myself. Oh, how old are you? I'm 31. Oh, buddy, buddy, buddy, buddy. You're right on the line, McChickenboy. No, no, you're not. No, you can't be doing that. If you said 22, I would have been 31 years old eating McChickenboy. I'm gonna tell you, you're gonna be a McChickendeadman soon.

Let me tell a quick McDonald's story very quickly. So Jake and I have talked about this bet Where I was gonna get a tattoo of Brett five in a viking's jersey, whatever we've told that story But the day we were watching the game that bailed me out We you came over to my buddy burns his place and we were all hanging out watching it The energy was very intense. Yeah, because there was a tattoo on the line and I for no fucking reason This is right before I stopped eating. Yeah Maybe it was tied in. I don't know if you remember this for no reason

I go let's go to McDonald's and give 50 cheeseburgers. I do remember and everyone was like what yeah, and nobody was really into it I remember being disgusted. So I went to McDonald's with a few of us went to McDonald's I got 50 cheeseburgers. Also, in retrospect, just awful to do this staff. Just because you are basically just being like, hey, it's like comedy. Brought them back, everyone probably had two or three, and the energy dipped so hard about 15 minutes after we all ate two to three of the cheeseburgers

that I was like, this food. It's a killer. It's a killer, it's terrible. It's like a day, it's like day drinking the food. Yes. We were all down. So, but I would say avoid McDonald's. It's dog shit.

Yeah. I mean, it sounds like you were forced to smoke the whole pack, right? Yes. Exactly. I think that's exactly right. Hey buddy, we appreciate the call and good luck on tour, man. Go get it, cheek face.

Thanks so much guys. Thanks. Thanks. Hello. Hello. Hello. All right. Can we get your name please? Kaylin. So what can we do for you today? Um, well, I asked a lot of questions.

I don't know which one, but I think my grandma told me to ask this one. Okay. Wait, your, is your grandma listener? No, but she hears all about it through me because I like cannot shut up about this podcast. All right. It's become my whole life. Good. Wow. Grandma listener? No, but she hears all about it through me because I like to not shut up about this. Yeah. All right.

It's become my whole life. Good. Wow. Okay. So my question is I need advice on how to deal with some cranky ass men. Okay. So I'm from Wisconsin. Nice.

What part? Dane. Sure. Yeah. It's real small town. So we're dairy farmers. I work with my dad and my uncles and my cousins. Nice. What part? Dane. Dane. Sure. Yeah. It's a real small town.

So we're dairy farmers. I work with my dad and my uncles and my cousins. We're all men. We can be cranky sometimes, if I'm honest. And I need some advice to deal with cranky old men. Gareth, how do you deal with me? Sometimes let them crank it out. Other times engage a little bit and then sometimes commiserate.

Make sure they're fed. Yeah. Feeding is big. Make sure whatever's in... So you work with a bunch of Mo's. Make sure whatever Mo's dealing with, whatever's pissing him off Just you say you see it too. Yeah, if one of the cows did something that's a pain in the ass go you're not wrong Yeah No, I would say even be a little pissed off. Yeah, I'm mad too. I know you know what you could also do

What really ends it it's like multiplication, you know something times zero is always zero. Mm-hmm So I'm gonna give the opposite advice. So if you're cranky about something, let's say I'm on that farm and I'm cranky because every time I try to milk this one fucking cow, it kicks back a little bit. And the fucking thing, it always hits my knee while I'm helping it. You don't want me to fucking milk you. You're gonna get, you're going to be in pain. Right. So when he starts getting mad, get five times as mad.

That's pretty good. And you get mad at what they're getting mad about. So it creates chaos. What about a storm out? You get so mad, you storm out. Yeah, just once. Yeah. To sort of send the message that like, don't light my fuse too. Yeah. You know what?

You become the crankiest. Somebody goes, you know what? The barn got wet. You go, don't get me started on the barn. Soaking barn, I'm fucking out of here. I'll get some towels. Yeah, and you storm out and everybody goes, hey, don't tell her anything that's going bad.

Hide it. She's getting hot. Yeah. So the only time you don't storm out as if they're well-behaved. What do you think of that? It's pretty solid. I like that.

I think it would be really funny because I like generally grew up very quiet Yeah, and I have gotten louder as the years go on but they've never really seen it storm like in person I would I would try that and then I would also not not to play into like the stereotypical gender at some point I would maybe get emotional over the thing too. You're so bad, you get emotional. Yeah. Yeah. You know, they'll be like, Oh boy, come on. That's pretty good too.

Cause I am the only girl. Yeah. I think if you're comfortable with that, that's not a bad move. You know what you could play on that is when they're being grumpy, you start to cry and go like, sir, it's just making me feel really emotional. And then if they say, what did make you stop? You go having a pleasant attitude yeah so if they are just pleasant you don't cry or scream yeah but if you do anything if they do anything to rock the boat you fucking turn it into a tsunami yeah i think that's what it is

whatever it is it's don't just demure push back with some emotional resonance now let me ask you a question as a true Ghillie bean. What's been your favorite? Okay. What's been your favorite call? Oh, I got one that jumps out. So I really truly love them all, especially when it's like you guys just like going back and forth.

Thank you for that. I just die. I die. I'm, I'm usually out with the cows and I will laugh out loud. I'm by myself. So if anybody sees me, they're going to think I'm not. You know what? You just said, honestly, and I've talked to Gareth about it, but what I love about this podcast is that there's a lady in Wisconsin with a bunch of cows listening to us fucking around and having a better day. That's what makes this really fun and really different than TV and movies. Oh, yeah. It's like it's just it's in your ear. You're going about your day and you're laughing around a bunch of cows.

It could be good stuff. Also be a way to solve the problem you called about is another thing you could do is just take the AirPods out and just put it on a speaker and let the podcast play for a little while. Oh, or have you when they start talking and they're grumpy go can't hear you. Yeah listening to my podcast. Yeah That's good, that's good and honestly, please get grandma to listen to an episode we really are trying to get that scene Can you film grandma listening to an episode? Um, can we give her a birthday shout out? Yeah, turns 80 in like two weeks.

What's her name? Eileen. What do you call her? Meemaw. Grandma. Grandma. Okay. Hey grandma, Eileen, what's up?

She's the greatest grandma because so we're farmers. She still cooks us lunch every day. Wow. That's like, she wants to do this. Taking it back to the old school. All right. Well, listen. All right. Well listen. All right ready

Happy birthday to I leave grandma to some happy birthday to I leave my mother some happy birthday Dear Ali Happy birthday to you. Thanks for being 80 and making lunch every day. You're a sweetheart. It means a lot. Thanks, Kaylin.

Thank you. All right. Talk to you later. Bye. Hi there. Who are we talking to? My name is Brittany. Brittany.

Hi. Welcome to We're Here to Help. You've got Jake and Gareth. Can I ask, can I ask your age and where you're calling from? Yes, I am 36. I'm calling from my office in Burbank at the moment. Burbank? We could do this in person. Yeah, in California. It's very exciting. Well, welcome. We're excited to hear what's going on. Why don't you tell us what's up? Okay. So basically I need a new go to drink order when I go out with friends. I can't drink beer, whiskey, some gin or scotch. Like I know that's annoying. My default drink.

Hold on, hold on, Brittany, Brittany, you just jumped over a lot. Why can't you drink beer, whiskey, all those? Are you like an allergy lady? Are you a wild drunk woman? Um, I'm an allergy lady. It's unfortunate. I have celiac. Um, also anything with, uh, I'm going to pretend to now that this is also going to be a medical call, but so anything with gluten. Exactly. You are so smart. I call the right people. That question was from both of us just so you know. But what about a Tito's then? Can't you get... Isn't Tito's made out of potatoes?

Yeah, I can do Tito's. I can do most of vodka's, tequila, champagne, and rum. Tequila's a wonderful... Yeah, because I got to tell you here, B, you're talking to another allergy guy. Oh, D. I'm so sorry. I had... Brittany, I'm going to go on a little tangent here, but we're going to get back to you. I promise.

I did a press tour. I didn't, I didn't have anything. I did a press tour with Damon Waynes Jr. We were in Arizona. It was for either let's be cops or new girl. And I woke up with bumps all over my body, my face, my neck. And I was convinced it was bed bugs. And we freaked out. It was, it was let's be cops. Cause Nick Thomas, the writer was there and they

were like, this is disgusting. This dump of a hotel gave you bugs. I was on a plane. Nobody would sit next to me. I had to kind of sit in my own little space. I got home, threw away all my clothes. My wife wouldn't let me in the house, throw away my luggage, got in like basically a gown and went to the emergency room. And the guy did a blood test and said, not bed bugs, allergy to dairy and anything related to the cow. And so Brittany, that led me on a journey because one of my allergies I found was also the creation of histamines. So wines, beers, all that out the window. Oh, no. But the journey to beautiful tequilas and vodkas began.

Then you are definitely the right person. Yes. You've called the right place. I'm so thankful. What was your favorite drink before you found out about this allergy? I didn't drink a lot before I grew up very lame and sheltered. And so I didn't have my first drink until I was 21. And then probably after that, it was like another year or two. So I just discovered alcohol and then it was all taken away from me. So up to this point, my default is kind of just like a vodka diet Coke, but I get a lot of side.

Yeah, that is wild. That is a wild diet Coke. That's a Montague and Capulet cocktail. Okay. This is why I need you guys, because this is the reaction I get everywhere. Yeah. And everyone's right. Everyone's right.

Everyone's right on this. I hate to say it like that, but. Okay, this is why I need you guys because this is the reaction I get everywhere Yeah, they're and everyone's right everyone's right on this I hate to say it like that, but they're right britney if you and I went out and I said you go Let's just sit at this corner table. I grew up pretty sheltered This bar is a little bit much for me and I go let me handle the order and I grew up like a wild animal And I go B what can I get you to drink here? You've been working all day in Burbank. You're exhausted. And you go, just get me a vodka diet coke.

I'm Lee. I'm walking right. I'm going to the bathroom crawling out the goddamn window. It is order. And we're not trying to roast you, but that is the drink order of someone who didn't have alcohol till after 21. You're just kind of taking two things you like, but they have a gather. They don't, they can't, uh, okay. So Brittany, let's, let's get to the root of this. Uh, what do you like about a vodka diet coke? You just like diet cokes and you like vodka or do you just like a diet coke?

I like that I can pronounce it. I like that it's easy. I like that, you know, anywhere you go, except some places only have Pepsi and that I will not do a vodka Pepsi. That is just, that's crossing a line for me. It's an interesting line you have there. Oh great. I'm with Gary. He's a hundred percent. I have, I have some taste. Um, but I just, I don't know. I think it's lovely. I blacked out. I forgot what you asked me, but oh, it's sweet. It's nice.

It, you know, if the ice melts, it doesn't taste terrible. If you add like a little squeeze of lime. Brittany, do you not really like alcohol, but you're going out socially and you like the social lubrication of it all? Well, I don't need social lubrication. I'm like a who and a half. I am usually the designated driver because I am so fun without alcohol. However, like when I do go out with friends

or on dates or whatever, I just, I don't want to gross people out, you know? And I think this is really, you know, I'm still single and I would like to not be. And I have a feeling maybe if I can get a cool drink order that sounds either fun or sophisticated that might help. I'm going to tell you this it's not going to hurt. Perfect. Yeah. Now let me ask you one question and I only ask this because I'm trying to target the perfect cocktail for you. Is the diet coke part of it? Is that, is that a calorie rationale or is that just you like diet coke? That's a good question.

You know, I just like a diet coke. I think a regular coke, it's just way too much sugar. I don't drink coffee. I'm like very peppy without anything. And so I'm just afraid to add a lot of sugar in because i'm already, you know A little hummingbird can I can I just start before gareth you start thinking of drinks because I feel like you're going in A direction that i'm going to try to get us away from Okay, I say we get rid of the the diet coke of it all in the sweet drink You're not you don't want to order a sea breeze Right, you don't want to order a screwdriver. You don't want to go like, do you have fresh pineapple?

You're just looking for a simple drink that doesn't overly taste like alcohol that is going to be socially acceptable. You're not somebody, it doesn't seem to me like you're somebody who's a problem drinker. So you're going to have one or two drinks tops. I'm going to lead out with something here, Gareth. Okay, go. Here's what I gonna lead out with something here Gareth okay go here's what I would lead out with a Tito's vodka because when you order a specific brand it's cooler than just saying well vodka okay you know when you're 22 you

could just say like whatever and then they just give you trash so a Tito's is a nice solid vodka it's also made from its potato based and if anybody wants to check my facts, I don't have them. I'm confident, but I don't have a lot of that knowledge. So I'm there. That's fine. I believe it's that's your sweet spot. Yeah. Thank you. And what I would do is I would do a vodka soda with Tito's and extra limes. And I would actually take the limes and squeeze them in, then mix it together. And now you've got a, you let that ice melt a little bit, which will cut into your vodka. And now you have a watered down vodka with the carbonation in the lime.

And for a 36 year old lady in Burbank who's just looking for one drink on a date, that feels pretty sweet to me. It's a sophisticated order. It feels like a nice solid thing that you're going to actually enjoy drinking. I like it. That feels good. I could get behind that. I like that.

I feel comfortable with it. It's not making me sweat. You know, I'm not getting nervous thinking about it. It's a really easy order and the name branding, the vodka helps and having like the extra lime, just make you feel like you got a little bit of flair god damn it yeah like it's a little vacation it's actually probably the cocktail I'm gonna be moving to soon because I like wine I see guys like Jake and I we cut out hard liquor for reasons that are not we have an allergy like

gluten to it it's more like we forget things that we said to people. We had long conversations. I had my last public blackout probably about two and a half years ago at a wedding. And since then, I've sworn off the hard alcohol as far as like, you know, shots, things like that. But a vodka soda is a very simple drink. I think you're definitely not going to get a lot But a vodka soda is a very simple drink. I think you're definitely not going to get a lot of judgment because that is a very popular drink. I have one other pitch

and it's just because I think it's a good conversation start. Right? So if you want to go under the radar, I think the vodka soda is perfect. But if you want someone to be like, what the hell did you just order in a good way? Bellini. I'm looking it up. A Bellini is low, low calorie. It is, it's gluten free. And it's just kind of a weird little cocktail to get dropped off. It's basically mimosas, but it's got a better name. Mimosas we all know as the breakfast drink. It's basically mimosas, but it's got a better name. Mimosas, we all know is the breakfast drink. It's what us alcoholics have with waffles to pretend like things are fine. But the Bellini is maybe a way if you're on a date and you don't want to say the vodka diet soda, which we're all flagging as problematic vodka soda, you're going to fly under the

radar. But if you want, Hey, what the hell's a Bellini? There you go. Yeah. I think you might be able to. But Brittany, do you want a what the hell's a Bellini? There you go. Yeah. But Brittany, do you want a what the hell's a Bellini moment? You know, I'm a big researcher, so I'm just going to look up a Bellini after this. I think I've had one before. As long as I can confidently talk about it. That's great. People don't even give me a chance to talk about vodka diet coke before like you two just went off on me. So I feel like a Bellini just went off on me. Um, so I feel

like a Bellini that's more approachable. So I think I could do that. We piled on it. Let me just say on behalf of both of us, I'm sorry. We, we really just, we jumped right at it. I got to jump the other way. We jumped on, but I think we jumped on for good reason. I agree, but I'm trying to be nice. I just, I know you're trying to be nice, but sometimes there's a grenade and you're around a bunch and you got to jump on it. And we did, Brittany, we're here to help. We're not here to rub your back and say, great job. A vodka diet Coke is a bad order.

It is. It is what Charles Manson would have had to do. You're right. I'm being aggressive now. Maybe I overjumped. I apologize. I don't know. I'm never going to learn if I don't hear this.

That's right. But you do seem like a lovely person I think a Bellini is okay. I wouldn't lean out on a Bellini personally I like to fly under the radar, but if you're somebody who likes to research, that's fine Here's another easy one and this is just a you could look a little cool But without being over-the-top you could a hard seltzer and ask for anything local So sure you could go right clod, but so but you could also go like do you have any uh, Especially in california all these like hipster brewery places

Now are doing their own hard seltzers but infused with like mangoes from a local mango tree And that's pretty good and I gotta tell you they taste delicious This is pretty good. There's not a high alcohol count. So if you are a quote-unquote problem drinker like The guy's giving you advice right now. You can take a hundred of those Yeah, you're gonna be just fine But if you make this call and you go I do many like local breweries that are doing their own hard seltzers. They will have one or two. And then if you go, you know, you name the fruits that's infused in it that you like, you're going to really enjoy that can, in my opinion. So I would go, I like that I would

either go that or the most basic is vodka soda, uh, Bellinina if you want a conversation starter And if you want to do the hard seltzer with a conversation starter Hard seltzer and i'd like a champagne flute No He's he's leading me wrong now i'm helping you've got some i we've found some ideas here. Now we like to end these, uh, with, uh, what do you think you're going to do? I think I'm going to do the Tito's and vodka. I think that's super easy. Um, I will do a Bellini once the summer. I will try everything. Um, and then I'll, I'll take notes. I'll report back. Right. Please. I'll report back. Great.

Please. Yes, please let us know. And I think no matter what, the fact that you're moving away from the vodka diet soda, you're just surrounded by wins. So, you know, enjoy yourself and you'll find it. And I think also, again, I'm not, I think I'm really leaning into this conversation starter,

but the fact that you're playing the field, that's a conversation starter. So if you need it, it's there. Yeah, perfect. It was like, it if you need it, it's there. Yeah, perfect. It was like you got real quiet after my last line. Well, I think you honestly weirded the fuck out of everybody. Me, me, me. It's a palpable feeling right now.

Gareth, I think you got too honest. I just want the conversation started. And when we started this call, everybody was on board with that. Yeah, but you know, the jump ship right now. No, we want more podcast voice, Gareth. We don't want the real guy who's got a cast. We're the foxhole together. We live and die together. Goodbye, Brittany. This was a perfect call. We appreciate you calling. We hope we helped a little bit. Thank you so much. You helped a lot. Thank you. Bye.

Thank you so much, you helped a lot. Thank you. Bye. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson and Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is A.J. McKeough. Our social media director is Caitlin Tonwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's Oliver R-A- at OliverRaleigh.com. That's Oliver

R-A-L-L-I.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds dot com. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at HelpfulPod at Gmail dot com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only, and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.