We're Here to Help - 98: Your Eyes Won’t Believe What They Chainsaw

Episode Date: July 22, 2024

Jake and Gareth talk to callers about a chainsaw race, marching band and a make out rash. Later, the guys follow up with the second caller from episode 72 (“Let’s Call Him Doniel with Lamorne Morris, Rachel Bilson and Olivia Allen”). Want to call in? Email your question to [e-mail] (Early Access, Bonus Calls and Q&As): Patreon.com/HereToHelpPodVIDEO: Youtube.com/@HeretoHelpPodMERCH: heretohelppod.comINSTAGRAM: @HereToHelpPodTIKTOK: @HereToHelpPodIf you’re enjoying the show, make sure to rate We’re Here to Help 5-Stars on Apple Podcasts.Advertise on We’re Here to Help via Gumball.fm See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. We are back with a banger on a Monday, Garrett and Kevin. Buddy boy and boys, this is going to be a great episode and we are on the precipice of a hundred. Yes, you're right. We are days away. Very, less than days away. Get on the goddamn Patreon. Yes, join the Patreon.

It's gonna be live Thursday, this Thursday. Yes, that's right. The 25th at 5 Pacific. Yep. We're doing it live. We're doing it live. We're having fun. And for everybody else who doesn't get on the Patreon,

who goes, what the hell's Patreon, which would have been the old jakester. Yeah You're gonna hear all the stuff. Maybe maybe one. Here's what it's gonna be. Maybe well, we're gonna break down with the night Is yeah, we're gonna do a live to our show for the patreon. You're gonna get everything Yep, the calls are gonna go on the main show. Yep for a hundred And then if there's some extra ones if it's too long for the main they'll just go later We are as you know most shows we always we do calls at different times. It's help after dark We're gonna be having some cocktails. What are you gonna drink? Um?

Do you know I haven't thought about it? I'm gonna have wine really yeah unless you have something unless you have a pitch I don't want to go crazy with like tequila shot. Yeah, that's what I think I mean maybe we start with a tequila Okay, we'll start with a tequila. Definitely should start with five shots. Okay, why don't we get Blackout and then we'll, why don't we get there, let's get to Kevin's at two and just get hammered. By the way, an afternoon, we haven't done that together in years.

No, that's right. I tried to do it when we took that New York Times photo shoot. Well, we said, which was so true because we did the New York Times shoot at the E. Rustigan and they wanted us to pour beers on our head because that's sort of our origin story. So we were like, gonna pour beers on our head.

And before we were doing it, we just had some sipping beers. Cause we were sitting in front of the wing. Yeah, so we were having some sipping beers. And so we were drinking a couple beers while we were shooting, but we were both just like, these are going down so good. Well, it started off, you know, cause there's work and there's hangs.

And they are different. Yes. And so we haven't had a lot of hangs in a while because you're on the road, we live in different places, blah, blah, blah. Yep. So it's been work, and when it combines, it was the alcohol.

Cause a photo shoot for me, you know, you know me I have ideas I'm trying to do it's like I'm pretty much in and out. Yes Oh, yeah Until you take it I fucking sitting next to you in the bar that we hang out how you sang out at the bar that We first hung out in yeah sipping a beer. Yes. I thought I could text my wife I'm out for the rest of the day with Gareth I'm out for the rest of the day with Gareth, gonna leave the car. And I'm like, I haven't had, I haven't gotten drunk in over a year.

We were both so. And what we did, too, is we did this thing, which I've had before, too, where we both are like, oh, good. And then we're like, when we get back home, we're going to drink more. But then it was like 90 minutes later and it was like, and, ah. For me, you know what I'm excited about for Thursday? Not pulling back. Yeah, yeah, letting it rip.

Well, how often do you drink, Kevin? When was the last time you got drunk? I wouldn't say drunk, but I drank last night. Okay. How many? A couple. What did you drink and what, a couple is two? Well, sorry to bring it down. I drank last night. Okay. How many? A couple. Okay. What did you drink and what, a couple is two?

I had, well, sorry to bring it down. My grandma passed away. I had three old fashions in her honor. My, Leah said, oh, did she like old fashions? And I said, no, she didn't really drink. It's just a hell of an excuse. Yeah. So my grandma passed away.

I went to a casino in Reno, $1,500 in particularly so but uh I was up at one point thirty nine hundred dollars But I am down 1500 Hopefully it's more than $5,000 And then I spent some weird shit in Reno. They're gonna break my nose These guys are serious. They're not fucking around, Nana. These aren't nice people. I'm in a bad spot.

I'll have a few bottle options for us. We also have a fan that gave us some whiskey that I wanted to pop open for the big hundo. Oh, our whiskey. And some even surprises with the alcohol I'm excited about. That's great. Well, what are you going to drink for the show, Kevin? Old-fashioned?

In honor of old-fashioned. In honor of old-fashioned, yeah. The chat, people are really excited about engaging in the chat, and I'm going to, during the calls, pitch one or two of the ideas at the end. Oh, that's great. That people are suggesting, so. And where are they suggesting this?

That's great, in the chat on Patreon. Yep, exactly. There's gonna be a, it's gonna be a live, like, YouTube stream, and there's gonna be people on the chat there, That's great, in the chat on Patreon. Yep, exactly. There's gonna be a live YouTube stream and there's gonna be people on the chat there. It's all connected to the Patreon. We'll be super easy. We will be pitching your ideas during the chat. You should pitch a good one and a bad one.

You're gonna be reading them and then pitching them as you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'm gonna, and I'll shout you guys out for the ideas. We'll see if the caller goes with it. There might be some merch giveaways, some surprises. There's gonna be, I have- You got some surprises. Literally during this intro, a surprise locked in.

Confirmed for the- That Gareth and I don't know about. Correct. Fun. Gareth, when was the last time you drank? Well, you know, I don't drink that much on the road cause I'm like, so when I come back, I give myself a few days.

I wouldn't say got drunk, but over the weekend I was putting back. And when you're putting back at home, no work, you're back from the road, what do you drink? Just wine. So you love wine. I do because I had to get off the hard booze

because it was like, it was not, eventually I got blackout drunk at a fucking wedding like three years ago. It's embarrassing. And it was embarrassing for guys. If the level of anxiety I felt the day after you know was I was like I can't do I can't do a mixed drink. I just think to wine.

I can keep a better read on myself. There's something charming about getting drunk in your 20s. Yes. There's something wild about getting blackout drunk in your 20s. Yes. There's something wild about getting black-eyed drunk in your 30s Yes, there's something sad about looking like you're in a 90s R&B band It was like I was like I didn't know I was going there But when you get drunk, it's different and when you get blackout drunk in your 40s, it's not the same. It's not cute.

It's not. It's people worried. It's sad. It's sad. When someone has to walk you out of a bar at 42. Or when you barf and go like, I'm fine. Yeah. They're like, you're not.

Your body is too old to be barfing. Barfing from booze at at your age is sad anyway everybody We really enjoy I was driving home the other day and saw a lady pull over Young lady barfing out of the side of her car And I gotta say it was one of the coolest things I'd seen in a while just in terms of like human intimacy Yeah, I'm in my little like car bubble listening to like my stupid podcast, whatever I was listening to, some song, and I was like, 16 minutes to home,

15 minutes and 50 seconds home. There's a weird car there. My eyes are going there, 15 minutes and 30 seconds. There's a lady barfing! Wow! Seeing the barf come out, seeing her like shoulder, I was like whoa! And then I just kept driving,

and I was like, that was wild. I wish she knew that she, while her day was like, whoa! And then I just kept driving, and I was like, that was wild. I wish she knew that she, while her day was ruined, she made another's. I had a meeting yesterday in West Hollywood with Sean. Cool. For the movie, and we were meeting at some West Hollywood, there's some new cool club.

Oh, nice. And while I was driving down there, I saw a homeless guy take his pants down, taking a dump on the street near Laurel Canyon. Nice. And I had the same reaction. I was like, that's awesome. You're really having a...

So, heavy set dude's butt cheeks while he was squatting over with his sweatpants short pulled down and I thought, gotta let it rip, my king. Yeah, listen. Get it out. Sometimes you gotta go. On the drive to one of these recordings last week a guy pulled over He'd was on the off-ramp

I would say nowhere near as like hidden as he should have been like very More close to the highway side and it was intimate in a way that I was not ready by the way with the drives I do I'm that guy a lot you just pull over and go if I'm in the middle of nowhere I will be like I don't give a fuck. Yeah. Yeah, it can be bad. You just drove from New York State to LA. Yeah Yeah, that's why I'll you talk about getting weird. Yeah. Yeah, it gets weird out there Yeah, you when you're doing we did we did like 22 hours straight. Oh, yeah, you used learn a lot about sure And the stuff you learn is nonsense and it's none of its good and enjoy the episode without further Morgan Wow Morgan, holy shit. You know what I like about you Morgan. You're not waiting for anyone to ask

Yeah, you're like a lawyer. You're charged. You gotta move time is money. I know what your problem is gonna be Some people say I'm too aggressive Yeah, no, that's true. I don't know how to start calls. Yep Morgan where you calling from buddy? So I'm calling from southeast, Ohio, Ohio right next to West Virginia. Oh, yeah Hi, are you? Spell it my man. Oh Are you laying that out a little thick because you know we're... Are you trying to impress us?

Yeah, are you trying to start a conversation because I've been to Ohio, I've talked to Ohioans, I've never heard someone call it, aha. Yeah, hey Morgan, I'm gonna say, are you flirted? Because I'm into it. You're not liking it. So Morgan, Ohio.

Just with Gareth. Oh! Weird. I like it even more now. What a weird answer. So Morgan, Ohio, age? Yeah, I'm 31. 31!

31! And Morgan, Ohio, 31, slight crush on Gareth. Welcome. What can we do for you today? So here's the deal. I like to make chainsaws go faster. And so because of that, I have organized a chainsaw race. And in light of that, the local news station

has decided they'd like to do a story. Great. And frankly, I'm not sure. It's a twofold question. How do I explain what it is in a way that the average guy is going to hear then go, I got it. And also not sound like an idiot. Yeah.

Well, also, how do we make this news story more exciting? I great points, Jake. Morgan, will you explain? Because I you haven't explained it to a point where I understand what exactly you're doing. What what do you mean? You're making them go faster. Yeah. So what does that mean? Well, just the motor. Uh It's just like a hot rod in your car. You can modify

it. It goes faster. And so for a race, we see who goes the fastest. And how are you racing? You're racing it because you're like cutting the wood who cuts the wood fastest? Yeah. Okay. Okay. I see. So so essentially it's like a lumberjack competition But you see who can cut through a log fastest based on the changes They've made to their chainsaw motor Morgan producer Kevin jumping in I'm gonna I'm gonna show him the clip you sent Awesome. Thank you. Yeah

Okay, so okay, two, one, go! Okay, so, okay. Oh, I've seen this before. Okay. Okay, right. Boy, that last guy really... I don't always have that as a meme. That guy really shit the bed, the guy in the back. I think that's pretty cool. So you're doing a news story... Did he do anything to his? He had a slow chainsaw. So you're doing a news story and you want to figure out how to make this as clear as possible what you're doing.

Is that correct? Is that the question? Yeah, that's pretty much the G. Can we pitch on the question a little bit? Because if we have an opportunity for local news to come, I think there's a way to make this really fun for you, for what you're trying to do and for us. Yep. Okay. Can we create a look for you, a personality? Can we turn this into a little bit of WWE?

Yep. Can we not only turn you into the guy who makes fast chainsaws, but the guy who's made the fastest chainsaws ever and everybody else is secondary? Well, let me introduce you to a pseudo superhero I call Motor Man. Now we are talking. All right, so let's answer call Motor Man So Motor Man has a bit of a Rocky Balboa entering the ring vibe to some extent I think Motor Man does not have sleeves no sleeves no sleeves Motor Man has a we're here to help hat Oh Wow listen to Jake okay. Yeah, I love it. I love Jake. I love you know I love it, and why don't we say that yeah, because it's a hard thing to convey on

The news and you don't have a lot of time So why don't we go the infomercial yeah for motor man? So why don't we have a log there yep with a chainsaw just fresh off the shelf of Lowe's or something like that Yeah, and why don't you say how many times does this happen to you? You start that chainsaw and you slowly cut through the wood. And you go. But after you go through the motor man chainsaw motoring course, this is what you're dealing with. And you do three of those quick slices through the log.

I'm going to souped up chainsaw before we start pitching on this, Morgan, because obviously this is exciting for us, what do you think of this zone? I have one question. Okay. What is my walkout music? I've seen enough WWE, we gotta have a good walkout song, right?

Great question. Agreed, agreed. He's playing ball. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So the question is the news, the people are coming to do a story on you, right? Yeah. So they're gonna have a little bit of, they do a story on you, right? Yeah.

So they're gonna have a little bit of, they're not gonna let you fully run the show. They're not going to say, where do you wanna shoot? They're producing the segment. You are just the guy. So what you have to do is steamroll. So if you have a walkout song, you almost have to reveal the boom box.

And it's so funny. It's true though. I know, but it's so funny because I'm like, right? Jake is about to give you some kind of like, you got to pick your battles, but Jake's like, you gotta hide the opening song. Well, you know what you see Morgan? And you'll see this with certain standups who do morning shows where they'll have, and I've done all those morning shows,

they're very well run, they're very sweet, they're just talking to a few people watching at home, and then you have a couple of stand-ups who, while they're in Ohio at a small market, and they're doing stand-up that night, they just steamroll the interview. Well, you're up at six a.m. But they're making it less about the people watching

and more about the people watching online. Yes, exactly. So that's what we're pitching to you. Yes. The interaction with the local news is going to be awkward and it's not gonna feel great. Now, do you know how are they producing this piece? Is this just going to be at the event

there's someone there covering it live? Or at your house. Or are they gonna be doing a piece on you? You'll appreciate'll appreciate this Gareth the guy's name is Gil McClanahan I don't know why I'd appreciate that my name is Gareth go ahead well yeah no but I mean 68 and balmy ones and twos anyway I bet you have so I think he's planning on coming up the week before and doing a bit to help promote it great leading up to the okay well great I think he's planning on coming up the week before and doing a bit to help promote it. Great. Leading up to the event itself. Well, great.

I think what, I kind of think like what you should do is you should, you know, let him know that when he gets there, that when you do these events, you kind of play the character of Motor Man a little bit. Yes. So he might want to interview you and talk about how this started, but we could still get some Motor Man stuff. Or he just interviews Motor Man. Or when he comes there, he's brought a crew and you're not going to break character.

And what's your facial hair situation, Morgan? It's a great question. It's sad. I need to shave. No, no, no, you don't. Well, you need to shave part of it, baby. You have a full beard? No, I've got a light mustache,

and it's getting a little patchy under the chin. Okay, so shave the chin. Let's give the mustache the spotlight. And let's just ferment the stache. Mascara on that thing, we'll turn it from a light mustache to a celic. Oh! Yes.

See, these are the tricks of the trade. I don't know this stuff. Yes, and your hair, what are we doing on top? How are we looking? I keep it high and tight. High and tight, okay, that's fine. Might I suggest a King's crown? What's a King's crown?

Like a little, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A Motor Man King's crown. Motor Man King's crown, like in a king of chainsaws. And what about a T-shirt that has written on it, Motor Man fastest chainsaw in Ohio? Yep. I can get a shirt made. Yeah, that's not a problem.

And so he comes in, you have an attitude. You got a vibe. And when we're talking about motor man Morgan, what kind of voice could motor man do? Now here's what you don't want to be. You don't want to do an interview dressed up like a goddamn clown and be interviewed and be civil and normal. Cause now you're half in half out. More pecans. Yeah, that's nothing

Here's what I would like to do Gareth. Will you be the announcer the I'm sorry newscaster? Okay, so Morgan I let me tell you about motor man motor man's got the fastest train saw in Ohio You don't believe me mr. Buchanan? Well listen to this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I can cut through anything I can cut through wood. I don't lose and I will not lose next Saturday because all I do is win, win, win, win, win. You can take, and then right to camera,

you can take your slow baby motors all around your farms but you bring it next Saturday, row row motor man wheel. I'm talking to you Pennsylvania. Yes. You think you're the chainsaw capital of the United States. You're out of your mind. Yes. You, you the way wrestlers do those interviews, you find competitors names.

Morgan, do you know who you're going to be going against? Well, so I've actually, I'm the one putting the whole thing together. We have guys from Pennsylvania coming. Yes. Do you know their names? Like there's some, I know who they are Yes, why not? Why not? Give up the best one? Yeah, like let's say there's the guy like

Josh Sherborn right you go. I'm talking to you Joshy boy. Yeah, Josh the squash. Yeah, I'm coming at you Hey soft hands Josh. Hey, I'll tell you what Josh baby motor sure Just don't know how to hold a chainsaw. He needs his brother behind him to treat it like it's dirty day and night. Then you put your arm around the Buchanan and you go like this, let me tell you, man, I will not be disrespected, not in my hometown, not for these beautiful people of Southeast Ohio, because I love these people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're respectful to him, he's in on it, but these people have pissed you off, motor

man. Yes. Because they don't understand that you got the fastest motor in this side of the Mississippi. And you can say, and that's why I'm telling everybody, come out for this event. You're not gonna believe what your eyes just chainsaw. What do you think you're gonna see? I'm gonna tell you what you're gonna see.

You're gonna see the fastest motor you've ever seen on a chainsaw. It's gonna make your eyes go go. It's gonna make your ears burn. It's gonna make your nose water. I've got an old adage of my own. If a tree falls in a wood and no one's around to hear it doesn't make a noise When I'm sawing it down you better believe it does brother What do you think of that Morgan?

I love it. It feels weird to think about actually doing it. Okay Hey Morgan gosh, I might be dumb enough to try. You could have put the brakes on 20 minutes ago No, but hold on Morgan Let to try. Hey Morgan. You could have put the brakes on 20 minutes ago. No, but hold on Morgan. Let's try it right now. Oh, Jake. All right. Jake Collins. So I'm gonna interview you as the guy.

The only reason I'm not having you doing it is I wanna get to him doing the thing. Can I produce? Yeah. I just wanna stand here. Yeah. So I'm gonna be Buchanan and I'm gonna interview you. And Morgan, you can't do this halfway.

Right? So if you're gonna commit, the only way you lose as motorman is if you're 25% motorman, then you're just a weird guy. If you believe it, you achieve it. Yeah. Okay, so ready? Okay.

But can I go a career route on the voice real quick? Sure. Yes. All right, all right, Hit me. Start us up. Can't wait. Okay. Hi, we are here outside of Ohio with Morgan to talk about a chainsaw competition that you're putting together the Saturday after next. Is that right, Morgan? Yeah, hey now listen. Let me tell you something.

Morgan ain't here, this is Motor Man and I build the fastest chainsaws you've ever seen down here in these hills. I'm telling you, if you wanna come out next Saturday, there's people from Pennsylvania, I tell you Nate's up there, we got Ethan from over in Ohio who thinks he's fast, but he ain't fast or nothing now.

They're gonna come down here and learn what it means to race a chainsaw and that's just the way that it is. This is Motor Man selling you, next Saturday in ryo Graham We're gonna compete and y'all's gonna lose and that's just the way that it is No, no, you understand Miguel. I I know no, I love it. It's perfect. I love it. How do you feel about it? Perfect Morgan. I don't know how to feel. I might I might just go with it. I might do the hat It's perfectly. I would get I would also

I just go with it. I might do the hat and the nose clean. I would get, I would also, I would also wear some of those shitty, like gold Elvis glasses, because I feel like if you don't have to make direct eye contact, that's gonna give you a little bit of protection. But isn't that the whole bit of like the Undertaker

and the Hogan, like they look, they make eye contact with you through the camera. I would say don't do the glass. If you start with them, rip them off. Yeah, just get your sealant. Oh, yeah Yeah, but Morgan. Yeah, yeah, you're there dude. That's it. I think I and again. Here's what I will say Don't don't do the 20% don't be like I made a shirt that says motor go for it You're gonna do it guys there go for yes

And get the shit and garris and the of, let me ask you something right to camera. If you cut down a tree in the forest. If a tree falls in the woods and nobody's around to hear it, doesn't make a sound, you better believe it does when I'm there, brother, because I saw that baby down. And then you can also always tag it,

you're a salesperson, and you can hear it again next Saturday at the blank, blank, blank. And you just keep selling. You gotta pay for the whole seat But you'll only need the edge Thanks, great. Yeah Morgan you're your money in the bank man, and then When you're doing it send us the news clip

Oh my god, and send us the some footage of the thing This is an massive wind might I also say send us the completed outfit before they come over so we can get a sense of what you're dealing with. And if you need a pep talk leading up to it, if you're starting to have doubts, if someone's in your ear going, Hey Morgan, think about long term. No, you call us again and we'll give you a little pep talk. When is this interview? He hasn't actually set a date. He said it'd be about the week beforehand. So I think I've got about a month. Okay, great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So start putting it together. Feel free to follow up with us when you get the look. We're happy to take a look at it, but you're in a great zone, man. I like it. Oh, awesome.

Hey, let me tell you, can I tell you the name of the event? Sure, yeah. Well, so we're calling it the Appalachian Saul Shootout. Cool. Okay. Which sounds cool and all, but I mean, you gotta abbreviate it, right?

Sure. To what? Appalachian saw a shootout, you know, the first three letters. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Asshole. Ass.

That's right. There you go. Yeah. OK. You know, sometimes. That one didn't land at all, did it? No. Well, you know, it's like, you know, we're driving. We're all having a great time. Okay Well, you know, you know, we're driving we're all having a great drive and then you're like hey mind if I put my foot on the brake for a minute Congratulations on sneaking that one through the answers morgan. It's a win man. I if you do the ass thing on tv

They're gonna have to cut that out. Yeah We won't have to cut out of ours, but just go hard with the character, the guy's money. Well, Motor Man. All right. But you're in a good zone. Yeah, I'll put some stuff in. All right, Motor Man.

You're gonna like it. We love you, Motor Man. Appreciate that, okay. All right, buddy. This episode of We're Here to Help is sponsored by Squarespace. We are huge Squarespace fans on the show. As you've heard, we've literally made websites for people who have called in.

Caitlin and I are making websites for people who have called in who you haven't even heard yet. So there's more Squarespace sites in the works. I'm a big fan of it. KevinBartelt.com, GarethReynolds.com, SuitsandWigs.squarespace.com. We've got sites all over this place. What's a new one that's coming up that you guys are building?

Can you tease us? It might be out by the time this comes out. The restaurant owner. Oh yes. Yeah, so we'll say this. Squarespace is kind of as good as it gets. It's easy, it's fast. It's gonna be something that if you want to make a website,

go to Squarespace, it's easy. You can sell merchandise on it. You can even upload video content on it. It makes it nice and easy to do this, and we've proven it with what we do on our show. So head to squarespace.com slash Gil sent me to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code Gil sent. All right, Jake. We are brought to you by Pretty Litter. Listen, I have been a big fan of Pretty Litter for a long time.

There are a lot of upsides to Pretty Litter. One, delivered to your home for the most part, which is amazing. It lasts for like a month. So I've been using Pretty Litter for so long I kind of forget what it was like back in the day but I would have to lug like this enormous thing of litter up you were changing the litter often but the most important thing honestly is that it changes color and that's a way to monitor signs of illness, kidney issues which are are big in cats, and it really has been a total

game-changer. So Pretty Litter, like I said, helps me keep tabs on my cat's health, keeps odor down, and I guarantee you, you and your cat, Jose for instance, are gonna love Pretty Litter. So go to prettylitter.com slash here to help and use the code here to help to save 20% on your first order and get a free cat toy. That I am excited about. That's prettyliter.com slash here to help code here to help to save 20% and get a free cat toy prettyliter.com slash here to help code here to help. Terms and conditions apply. See site for details. This episode is brought to you by ZockDoc. ZockDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network

doctors, choose the right one for your needs, and click to instantly book an appointment. We're talking about in-network appointments with more than 100,000 healthcare providers across every specialty from mental health to dental health, eye care to skincare and much more. Kevin, you're a ZocDoc guy. ZocDoc's been great for me. Now that I'm a married man, I'm on my wife's insurance. And so I had to set up new doctors and dentists

and appointments and stuff. And I just did it all on ZocDoc. Super fast, very easy to use. You're also the hunk with a little chunk who's been going to the gym, so are you going to find ZocDoc for the shoulder pain, the back pain, the squeaky joints? I'm a ZocDoc power user is what they're calling me. ZocDoc appointments happen fast, typically within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments.

That's pretty nice. So stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to zocdoc.com slash HTH to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today. That's z-o-c-d-o-c dot com slash h-t-h. Zocdoc dot com slash h-t-h. Hi. Hey, how you doing today? I'm good. How are you? Good. Welcome to the podcast. We're happy to have you Thank you. Can we get your name your age and what you're calling about and also Where are you? So I was gonna do more Stephanie. Yeah, you're right there. That was wrong I'm 20. I'm from Michigan

I'm 20. I'm from Michigan. And so my what I'm calling for advice on is I'm a member of a big 10 college marching band And because of that, I believe that marching band is a sport But some of my best friends refuse to acknowledge that marching band is a sport this has been an argument that we've been having since high school and is a sport. This has been an argument that we've been having since high school and I just need suggestions on a way I can finally convince them that marching band is a sport. Great call, very clean, really fast. Yeah, you jumped into it. Good work. Yeah. Gareth, is marching band a sport? Well, Jake, I've never thought of it as a sport, but I'm open to changing that perspective. Do you think it's a sport, but I'm open to changing that perspective. Do you think it's a sport?

No. Kevin, do you think marching band's a sport? I was in marching band for 10 years. Not surprising. Oh great, everything's surprising though. Keep going. I would say it is challenging physically, but it is not a sport. I also don't see it as a sport.

The only reason I say that, Stephanie, is that's what we're starting from. Yeah. Can you now convince us why marching band is a sport? Yeah. So I think it's a sport just because it's the same physical level as any type of sport. As my college marching band, personally, we rehearse an hour and a half every day of the week, longer the night before game days and on the day of game days. We're constantly going back and forth the length of the football field, doing high steps and on top of that, we're playing music.

I agree. It's challenging. I have a question, Stephanie, who are you playing against? At the college level, it's more for show show but there are other competitive levels of marching bands. So there are At high school levels. There are marching band competitions where you're getting rated on how well you're marching. Okay There's like drum core that's competitive. So Competitive component so it can and you can so you can be graded on it, and your grades are in competition with other marching band's grades. So how you march, how you play, what your uniforms. That's how you win marching band?

Yeah, that's how in the marching band competition. It's so much deeper than that. Kevin, how's it deeper than that? Kevin just lit a cigarette. How's it deeper, Kevin? It is crazy, to Stephanie's point, It's crazy how hardcore it can get. I auditioned for DCI Stephanie, I feel you. I'm curious. What instrument do you play? I play the clarinet. Why Kevin?

Yes, it is still physically challenging. It's not the heaviest instrument. Yeah, if you're talking tuba or drama Yeah, but so she but she's part of it there look the a place kicker on a football team is still an athlete Yes Well not to the other guys in the locker room, but so but they but they play a sport Stephanie's thing is she views marching band, but she's I I am dubious of that claim, but that's a little irrelevant because we just need you to figure out a way to convince the people around you that it is.

But I'm coming around what she's saying now, and that's why, because I- Yeah, I just mentioned- But there are other things- Yeah, go ahead. One of my friends that I'm trying to convince this point to is an avid listener of the podcast. She introduced me to it, so- Respect. We like her a lot.

What's her name? Her name is Danielle. Shout out, Danielle. What's up, Danielle? Yeah. But we but again, and that's great. But we can't just I want you to win this. Yeah. So the only thing I'm thinking is how can we make it so that it seems like it is a

little more intense, competitive, sportlike. But it is. Yeah. But that's but her friends know that. And they do the marching band that I'm in We audition our marching every single week to determine who makes the block for the football game I mean look so it's so here's my question to you Stephanie Because now we got to get to the center of this thing because what I'm hearing from you and what I'm seeing from Kev the hunk

Is marching bands pretty intense? It's pretty serious. There's a lot of stakes to it. It's pretty hard. It's rigorous Can I ask you a question who gives a shit if people call it a sport or not? Maybe it's greater than a sport You know what a sport is a couple of geeks kicking a ball at each other being like you stepped out of bounds Larry No, I didn't no I didn't be a bunch of geeks with a rubber ball We're making music while marching We are therefore greater than you we provide the music at your event So we might that's true. We might be able to spin something if somebody goes you're in marching band

It's not a sport you go. Thank God. It's not it's greater than oh, yeah because to convince it to sport you're You're trying to if you're an orange and an apple says you're not an apple. You're trying to say like but I also kind of am You're juicier, baby. You're juicier I think it's that that's a good point because i'm trying to think of like ways to make it seem more like a sport and I I think maybe I mean if you're open to it, like it is just a bit of a shift in your mind.

I think there are ways where you can make it seem more intense through maybe an experience that we juice up a little bit. Okay. Let me ask you. The term sport maybe is what's boxing in. Let me ask. Kevin, how would you define sport? I'm looking at the definition right now.

Okay. What is it? An activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against one another or others for entertainment. So that's it. So that thing right there, Stephanie, will you write this down?

Kevin, will you say it again? And when they ask, when you have the debate, you literally go. You just need to have this ready to go. And if you have it memorized, you can go like this. I'm sorry, but the definition of sport is actually. I think that's good. Kevin, are you writing this down, Stephanie?

Yes, I am. We're going to do a little role play here to see if you win. Yeah. Quick personal story before we hop in with the hypothetical, Stephanie. I lost 15 pounds in marching band, my freshman year in college. And I had like kind of a big transformation in high school as well. I do think there is like, it can be, as you know,

physically draining in a way that D1 players who aren't getting any like play time are not getting at all. So I do think there is a level of like the physical exertion of it that you can really read about. That's a great point. But also this definition, we've got it. The definition's great. Also, it's great to just learn more about Kevin.

The more the onion peels, It's always gonna be amazing. the more I love the dish. So Stephanie, we're in a bar. We're not drinking because you're 20. So you're drinking cranberry sodas or something like that. Jake and I are hammered. I'm 22.

Oh, I'm 20. Yeah, what's up? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Gareth will be your friend Danielle. Okay. Gareth, who should I be?

Okay. Why don't you be Trey? Danielle's boyfriend or just a guy at the bar? Danielle's boyfriend. Okay. Gareth, who shall I be? Why don't you be Trey? Daniel's boyfriend? Or just a guy at the bar? Daniel's boyfriend. Okay. And so Stephanie, you and your girl are having the same old debate, doing your thing, and then at a certain point, see if you can win with this.

And that is the quote, okay? Okay. Let's just see what happens. Let's play it real, and then you tell us if you're gonna try this oh my arm is so sore from volleyball practice yesterday Yeah, you were fucking crying. I really was I am I'm able to get the serve in like first serve all the time a little more velocity Well, it's just good. I mean that's what I love about sport is lacrosse player It's like you got to fucking go out there. You got a grind it out Oh, we shouldn't be talking about that in front of Stephanie

She's right. It was she probably hate sports talk. She doesn't do sports. No, but you do marching band guys my legs are Not a sport Honestly Stephanie, are you being serious don't you play the clarinet or something dude trust me Trey we do not want to do this again It's not a sport. It's not a sport It's not a look what you're saying. We're volleyball's a sport. Let me give you a quick definition here. You're yelling in the bar The definition of sport doesn't say anything about a ball Okay, what does it say Webster? Yeah Webster a sport

involves physical activity or skill Which in which a team or a singular person? Are you okay? What are you doing? You're being really weird? Here's what you need to tee it up with Stephanie. We'll run it right back I think you should say well well, just so you know, the dictionary completely disagrees with you. The definition of sport is. And then fast.

Yeah, get into it. Let's try it again. All right. I know. I'm sorry. I'm going to say volleyball practice. You did lacrosse. That's amazing.

Yeah. Oh, man. We probably shouldn't talk about this in front of Stephanie. She doesn't have any idea what it's like to compete in sports. You don't do you don't do no sports? No, she doesn't do no sports, Trey. Well, guys, actually. Trey's not from a good sports. You don't do you don't do no sports? No, she doesn't do no sports, Trey. Well guys, actually. Trey's not from a good part.

Oh, go ahead. The dictionary definition of a sport is an activity involving physical exertion or skill in an individual. Stephanie, Stephanie, Stephanie. You gotta breathe a little. Yeah. You gotta go back.

I like it, I like it, we're getting closer. We are, but Stephanie, you gotta go back to the girl you were before this you got great personality Yeah, I mean, you're not a weird robot going to like three times speed. Yes, so just let's get back Yeah, and you know what this is what I would say you I think in a way This is such a good argument enjoy it a little bit great because it can't be this Yeah, yeah, but the definition of the fuck up right the definition of the web Argument enjoy it a little bit great because it can't be this We're back and we're gonna try to make it hard for you Stephanie, but you're gonna win here. We're gonna lose Oh, well, she doesn't play sports. You know, did you see the Michigan State game? Oh, that was awesome

Double overtime was unbelievable. That was crazy. That's a sport. Now.'s what sports are. I love sports. I love sports. I love you. I love you. I love sports. We just started saying we love each other. Stephanie, as a girl in marching band, don't talk sports. You play music. Oh, but Trey, you don't even know. She always tries to say marching band is a sport. Wait, Stephanie, you actually think that marching band is a sport? Yeah.

I mean, guys, come on. A sport involves physical activity. I mean, marching band, we're constantly going back and forth across the field. So is hiking all around. That's not a sport So does camping yeah, I feel like you don't have a definitive argument, but it's not a sport like that Look, I mean marching band is really cool Stephanie, but it is not a sport. He's getting heated See there's also a skill level the marching band though. I mean We're going forwards and backwards all while playing our instruments. How about calligraphy?

Doing calligraphy, there's skill level on that. Oh, I'm an athlete. I do calligraphy. It's just- That's nice cursive, just so you know. We have our calligraphy. I know what calligraphy is. I just didn't know.

I mean, we're all really young. Yeah, true. According to that dictionary definition, every point I gave you is the point in the dictionary definition of the sport. What dictionary point are you talking about? You haven't mentioned that yet. Yeah, I haven't heard anything about a dictionary, which I think would be really definitive

in this argument for you. In the Merriam-Webster dictionary, a sport is physical activity involving skill level and competition for entertainment of others. Is that true? Hmm. Haven't heard that before.

Yeah. Well then sports defined weird. Yeah. The way you just, but I guess it is technically a sport. It is technically a sport. Fine. Yeah. Stephanie.

Throw all social definitions aside based on the dictionary, it's a sport. Boom! Boom! Boom! And may May I way better why I would get to that and I also think if you want I like Kevin's argument of the idea that like a d1 bench player is doing way less shit than you are Yes, do you want to you know how you can win this debate really fast Stephanie? Do you want to define it by your personal taste or the dictionary guys? Yeah, and they'll go. Oh, that's great. What do you mean? Well, we could argue here you're that with me. Okay Oh, yeah, but um, yeah, but Stephanie March. You're definitely marching band isn't a sport Stephanie. So whatever

Listen, do you want to define it with your personal definition or with a dictionary? Huh? Well, what's the dictionary say? dictionary says for his physical activity with skill and involving competition for entertainment of others end of discussion you've won the debate What else is there to say? Yeah, I like go like well, I disagree with the dictionary. Okay, I Agree, okay Yeah, I think you're just like alright. You can live in your world where language doesn't matter. And then when they start going, debating it, just look at them like they're crazy and go like this,

okay, you got some weird stuff with you, definition of sport. Gaslight them, gaslight them. Be like, I can see this is a touchy weird subject for you, so whatever. For some reason, you've defined sport. Oh yeah, I guess. You should write into the dictionary company.

That's funny, you should start your own dictionary where words aren't defined by the way They used to be Danielle's weird dictionary. Yeah. Yeah, but I like to use a traditional dictionary. Sure, whatever you want to do But you why don't you write your definition down on a napkin? So you're the only one who has that Hey Before we let you go I would just say If people are being nasty to you you, just a quick way to say it,

is I'm on the field a lot more than your bitch ass. Yeah. Shut it down there. Our next caller's in the waiting room. I wanna try something out. I want you to convince the caller that marching band is a sport. We'll see, we'll just try it for a minute. If they're not into it, we'll have to workshop later,

but let's see how this goes. Kevin, you do the intro transition. Yeah, you got it. And then afterwards, we'll say hi to them. Yeah, okay. Hello, caller. Hi. Can we get your name, age, and where you are calling from, please?

Good work, KB. Yes, my name is Kira. I am 24 years old, and I'm calling from New York City. Kira, thank you much for doing the show. I got the guys with us. We got you in a special situation right now, which is we're wrapping up a call. We're trying to help a caller out. So we're going to have her take it from here and we're going to see how believable of a job she did was. So we're going to basically wrap up her call with you before we get into your call. How does that sound?

That sounds great. Kira, what do you think? Do you think that marching band is a sport or not a sport? Oh, I would call that an art. Okay. So Stephanie, what do you think of that? And now Stephanie you guys can talk about that's just the two of you. Yeah So I mean here are you gonna define a sport the way that you personally would define it or the way a dictionary would define it?

Oh shit. Um Um, I mean, I, well, yeah, I guess it's subjective. Sport is subjective. I define it how I define it. Yeah, I guess it's like athletic, but. Yeah, so I mean, in a dictionary, sport is actually defined as a physical activity involving skill in which an individual or a team competes against another team for entertainment purposes and marching band actually checks all of those

dictionary definition boxes. Well, Touche, I can argue. Stephanie! That was awesome, Stephanie. You crushed it. Way to go. Kira, thank you, Stephanie. You're in it.

Thanks, Stephanie. Kira, stick around. It's your turn. Thank you, it. Thanks, Stephanie. Kira, stick around. It's your turn. Thank you, Stephanie. Thanks, Stephanie. Thank you. Oh, fuck yes.

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This episode is brought to you by CREMO. After a hard day of working out in the gym. Kevin, I'm talking to you. That's me. When you're pumping iron and you're losing weight and a little bit of chunk is falling off of the hunk and you want to go to your beautiful new wife and impress her, but you got a nasty smell to you, Kev. What do you do to fix that human problem that we all live with? I'm using Cremos men's body wash, specifically the bourbon vanilla body wash. I'm smelling handsome.

I smell handsome. And what is happening to that love at home? Are you coming home and Leah's just ripping. Yeah. It was. Ripping clothes off. And then last but not least, she rips down thosewar clothes off. Yeah. Ripping clothes off. Yeah.

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Kira, how old are you again sir? 24 in New York City. 24 in New York, okay. That was... Yeah, 24 in New York. That was great. She came in so hot in the best way excellence. All right, Kara Start talking. What do you got? Okay? So basically the situation is I've been seeing this guy for a little bit and

It's really great except like every time that I kiss him. He gives me a rash on my face And yeah stubble? Well, well, that's what I thought, but like I've seen him multiple times and the first time it happened, yeah, he had stubble. So I was like, dude, I can't, I can't do that. Like, please, you're gonna have to shave next time I see you. And he's such a good sport.

He did shave, like fully clean shave and gave me like maybe an even worse rash that time. And then I saw him again. He like let it grow out a little bit, gave me a rash again. I like, and it's so bad to the point where I like went to the dermatologist. I was like, please, I need you to help me.

Like, because I actually really like him, unfortunately. And so they like gave me it just there's no hope So I don't know if I should keep seeing him to be honest here What do you said no hope what the dermatologist say the dermatologist gave me this like? $250 cream that didn't do shit $250 what kind of change is weird that you'd be doing the cream also a little bit, but there must be is there What did the derm say that was there something about like the oils of his face are reacting to the oils of your face?

I would love an answer like that. He basically were like, you just have a rash girl. Like, I don't know what to tell you. Here's a cream. What was the cream? Something the weirdo found on the back. On the top of my head? On the top of my head, I don't know.

Okay. Well, he's like, I'll make my own tincture in the back. And you go like, just fucking tell me Sarah V or something like that. Yeah. So, okay. So this is a tough one. So you like this guy.

What are we calling him? Okay. This is so brutal, but because of the situation, all of my friends and I, like, we actually just call him Chin Rash. So we can call him Chin Rash. Chin Rash. Wow. Okay.

So you met Chin Rash, you like Chin Rash. The problem is is if you get a rash when you kiss chin rash has no rash at all on his face You know, he does not have a rash. I got a rash when I get them so fucking nothing. I mean So we need we can't okay. You can't live with a rash on your face forever. Well we can't medically cure this. We can just come up with. Well we can come up with pitches to chin rash because maybe, maybe chin rash has to wash his face. I was gonna say, yeah.

Well what were you gonna say, Kira? What was it, like? Well I was gonna say, like, I'm unclear if we're just really not physically compatible, if his chin just does not fit my chin well, if it's just protruding, irritating my chin. Or I don't know, if you guys have other creative solutions, I would love to keep seeing him, but I just don't know. I have a question, and I don't want to be rude. This is a safe space. Yeah, how long you been seeing this?

No, it's not rude I I've been saying him it's about to get like on and off or Like a couple months like I a handful of times. I've seen him all right So I would assume at this time we've probably explored each other's bodies. Has he ever put his chin on another part of your body and caused a rash there? Good question. No other rashes. No other rashes. Okay.

I mean, the only thing I could think of is one, I think Jake's... Have you told him about how much this is stressing you out? Or you have you brought it up like once or twice and left it be hard at 24 It's high. I've brought it. Yeah, I brought it up a couple of times But like I don't want to be like a total bitch about it just because it's like what's he gonna do? I feel bad, but I feel like if someone I feel like if someone I was dating was like Said like your breath is bad when we kiss, will you use mouthwash?

I'd be like, oh, shit, for sure. Yeah, I'd be like, for sure. Yeah. But so what kind of guy is he? Walk us through. Paint a picture. I just gotta know if he's like a filthy drummer or something. Yeah.

No, like, that's the thing. He's really clean. He's a clean presenting guy. And so it even more confusing. I like don't understand. He's very clean. He's got a good steady job. Well the job isn't gonna impact a chin rash. No, but I like that part. Okay, I got a question for you, Kira. As a father of daughters, I've now learned the importance of skincare routine that my kids love to do daily and nightly Do you have a skincare routine? I? Have a very thorough skincare routine. Are you a Sephora girl or an Ulta girl?

Ulta before all the way. Yeah for sure So with your skincare routine, you don't rash out on your own. No. I'd like you to do an experiment. I'd like the next time it comes over you do a thing that guys pretend they hate but they love to be pampered by the ladies they like and you say can we do something silly and he'll go oh yeah and you go can I do a skincare routine on you? And he'll go what do you need me to do and you go? Just tell me what music you like and sit your ass down and then you

Put a hot towel on his face, and you put all your skincare on his face Then when it's done Make out like animals. I'm talking about whatever you were before, take it to a fucking 10. If you don't rash after that, then it's just his skin. He needs to do some skincare routine. Yeah.

If you do, then it's just the world telling you guys you're not belonging together. I like that. That's fair. And I you guys you're not belonging together. I like that. I like that. And I would do that before you make out. I would like, tee it up. Well, obviously. Well, yeah.

But what I'm just saying, like, he's gonna show up. Hold on, hold on. But when you show up. No, Garrett. When you show up, you're gonna make out. He would defeat the entire purpose of the pitch. But I'm saying, you might have- No, you make out, then you do the skincare.

I'm saying you might have to tee it up. Like, you might have to tee it up like You might have to tee this all up for him so that when he comes in because if I show up to someone's house And we're dating I'm gonna like try to make out right away. You really are you're the age of your luck You want it? They go like this. How you doing you like this? Hey, baby girl You don't say hi Hi, what's the same woman since 2004. But like an hour in, if it's an hour in, it's like-

No, right away, you got this. Yeah, well, I mean, I'm just, that's why I'm saying you want to tee it up, because you don't want to treat it like a flight attendant. Yes, I agree. How would a flight attendant do it? Here's a hot towel, sir, as soon as you sit down. I totally agree. I would say Gareth is actually right.

You do it in the text, let's do something fun when you come here. Can I do a whole pamper skincare routine as a game? Yes. Where you have like cucumber water and these- I'm trying a new skincare routine. Can we do it together when you come here. Can I do a whole pamper skincare routine as a game where you have like cucumber water and he's trying a new skincare routine. Can we do it together when you make a fake YouTube video where you go like, Hey guys, like and subscribe. You do all that. You make it a game. You skincare them up when he's done. He goes, what do you think? And you go, I think I'm turned out. Then you just get on top of this guy and do whatever comes naturally with your guys' bodies. Okay, take it easy, Jake.

I agree. Ha ha ha ha! Ah! Ha ha ha ha! Anyway, I think that's right. I think do that, and then I have an addendum, which would be if you rash up again, I think if you're down,

because it might be Hail Mary time at that point. If you rash, you gotta dash. If you rash up again, I think if you're down, because it might be hail Mary time at that point. If you rash, you gotta dash. If you rash, you dash, but before you do, why don't we get, why don't we do a call with him and you and we just talk this out a little bit. Okay. See if this has happened before, explain the situation and see if we can kind of come to a UN handshake agreement.

That's hard, but I don't disagree, but it's hard, Kira, because what could happen there is that conversation could be the end of the relationship. I'm saying when we feel like it might be the Hail Mary. So will you try this pitch of doing a whole skin care tutorial where you cover his entire face with the stuff that you use so you're essentially your skin is kissing your skin Well, yeah, I'll try that great. Will you follow up with us after yep. Will you film a little bit of it? Maybe maybe Well, you maybe take a couple of pics during the skincare we can have some visual by the way That's not gonna seem weird. I mean you're fucking 24 years old. I agree like

Yeah, yeah, what the hell's that your phone is a camera weird. I mean, you're fucking 24 years old. I agree. Like, filming, yeah. Everything's filmed. Yeah, what the hell's that? Your phone is a camera? Yeah, you'll be fine. So why don't you do that, see what happens, check back in, and then if you're at the point where you're like, this is maybe God's way of saying

that we don't belong together because of our chin chemistry, we do a call with him where we just sort of investigate. We see if we can give it one more shot, and if we can't, then the rationale. And we will help you break up Yep, and then we'll find you a new guy. I'm over promising. Yeah Kira, do you think marching band is a sport? Honestly, I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but

Hey everyone producer Kevin here. The original call from this next follow-up aired on April 22nd. It's called Let's Call Him Daniel with Lamorne, Rachel and Olivia, and it's the second call in that episode. So if you'd like to listen as a quick refresher, go for it. Enjoy. Hi. Hi.

Is this a follow-up or a first call? This is a follow-up. Oh, walk us through what's going on. The floor is yours. Hi. So this is Lauren and I called him about my husband, Don. Okay, keep going. And the sleep mask. Oh, yes.

And what was the final pitch we gave? It was something written on it. Yes. There was a bunch. There was something written on it. Yes. There was a bunch. There was a bunch of things. Um, I narrowed it. I did a couple. Um, one of them was, sorry, what was the initial problem?

He started wearing a sleep mask and it wasn't a turn on. Is that right? The initial problem was he was really into his sleep hygiene and specifically wearing a sleep mask like immediately as soon as we got into bed and it was really unattractive. Right. Okay. And so then you said you got, you're happy he's getting his sleep hygiene, but we got

to figure this out. Correct? And so what did you end up doing? Take your time, walk us through it. Well, you guys had really good suggestions. The first thing was I cut eye holes out of his sweet mask. That's a mean one. Did you actually do that? Yeah, I sent Kevin a picture of both of the things that I mean, I thought it was hilarious. I was like shaking in bed laughing waiting for him to come home. And he put it on. He's just like, what the hell?

Not a means. He's like, did you spend money on this? He's like, I hope you bought me a new one. You know, so I was like, yeah, it was kind of like, yeah. Yeah. It was still funny for me, but didn't really, you know, I get anything. Imagine the audience didn't love it. I imagine I'm so excited to go to bed with this. Oh, my God. It looks like Rob. Right. He just went to bed looking like Zorro. Well, by the way, that is very funny. I would have died laughing in those.

So he put him on and he's like, you would have you done. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. He's like now. I don't have a sweet mask and I'm like I got you another one He just put the other one I mean he didn't find it funny it's like literally at all, but none of it Yeah, I get it. Okay, and then when you replaced it with we're about to see I think you want to tell them and then So then I bought my own mask that I got on Etsy That was like sort of like embroidered to say the word boner killer on it So it is definitely it's it's a nice cursive yeah, by the way, all he has to do is put his mask on and he doesn't See boner It's a nice cursive. Yeah, by the way, all he has to do is put his mask on and he doesn't see Boner.

Yeah. So you got. So what happened with Boner killer? So that sort of happened like he already has. He didn't even notice I was wearing it at first because his was on. So I was like, I was like, all right, I waited long enough to like to do this. I'm like, look what I'm wearing. I had to be like, look at this.

He's already so used to it. I'm the weirdo in the relationship, obviously. He's already used to my shit and was not impressed. He actually thought it said bonnet killer at first and he was confused. It was just not the response I was looking for. could see Bones Killer, which is also a different vibe to sleep next to someone, but okay. Right. I was like, why didn't we do that? So he didn't show up on Bones Killer. Yeah. And then what happened?

Okay. And then, so then he, that was like basically it. And then he traveled, he had a new job and so he traveled for work twice. And so while he was gone, I didn't do like any of the routine obviously like no noise machine but like I slept with the TV on the curtain half open like you know whatever I went crazy and I realized that I missed all those things sometimes you gotta run a mile to go a block. Stop it. I know. I know. And so that is like, it's good though.

Like I realize, I mean, I still hate the mask. Yeah, of course. But I can like associate it now with like, it's good for us, you know? And you can wear Boner Killer because no one's gonna see it but you. And it's funny for you. Exactly. And now I have a fun mask out of it. So it's a win-win. When he comes comes in now you've read this is a sweet one

I like this a lot because I'll tell you what else I like about it and I like you is That you went for it. The follow-through is real you cut the half you cut holes in his fucking man He did not laugh. Great. Then you went out you made boner killer and he's like a killer and you're like Then you went out and you made boner killer and he's like, boner killer. And you're like, and then I was going to do the Ronald Reagan mask because that I thought was so funny, but he was already so mad that I was like wasting money on all these.

But now we're in a really good situation because you realized you like his Huberman. What is it? A Huberman antics. So you're into the sleep hygiene, you're into all this stuff, and now when you see him in his mask, you put on Boner Killer and you guys sleep next to each other and everything's great. And you needed to kick the tire, you needed to leave the castle to realize you like being in the castle. Exactly. So this is a definite win for you guys. Well, you know, thank you for saying that. You know what? You're welcome.

Since we're in the middle of a sweet call, and since we're talking about we have a little bit of Reagan mask money to play with, what if the next time you know where he's going for work, you get a mask, a sleep mask made that says like, I miss you or something like that, that you send to the hotel and when he checks in, he gets it? Oh, that's so cute

That's really cute very cute. I love that. Why don't you do something like that? No, I've got one a Lauren. Let's leave let's leave Jake in the sidecar here cuz his heart is black I've got a I've got a pitch for you. Why don't you next time he goes leave flowers and a row of rose petals? next time he goes, leave flowers and a row of rose petals that lead to the bed and in the bed you say. It's off topic. In the bed you say. But Jake, it shows how you have no romantic creativity. In the bed you say, you complete me.

Jake, it's dumb. You knew it was dumb. And you knew I had you dead as soon as you were about what I'm gonna say. And then jump up in the shower and say, show me the money. Stop. And then. What what all your pitches are just jerry maguire adjacent they sound familiar they do sound familiar but it might be it might

lauren you got the ronald rake i'm just saying why don't we just cap a sweet call with a sweet move listen i know my shorts pandering i can't by the way, it took Jake two hours, three hours to comment on the fact that I have shorts on. Never seen you in shorts. It's really thrown me. I love it. I love it. Didn't know we were in a shorts

phase of our friendship. I was shocked. Yeah, I didn't hear anything. This isn't about our shorts. No, it's about you. This is a really sweet call. I also appreciate something you did for us. You said it was a win sweet call. I also appreciate something you did for

us. You said it was a win for us. So to make it about us, the true boner killers, how would you grade our advice? I don't like boner killers. How would you, what would the grade be for this? Because this is a bit of a weird one, right? You took the advice, he didn't like it, it didn't work, but then you learned a lesson. So when you look back at your life, you called into a weird podcast called Boner Killers, you got some advice, you did your thing. Out of 100, what's our score?

I'm gonna give you guys a 95, and that's only because the mask is still happening, but again, I associate it in a more pleasant way. Yeah. But I would still, if I had to pick, I'd still wish it wasn't there. Well, I keep, I thought she was gonna say 87. Well, here's why it should be 100.

We took her on a journey she wanted to go on, and without that journey, she wouldn't have realized what she did, which is, you know, she missed those little things. So we'll take a 95. I have to give the boys a note. When we ask for a review, we don't get a rebuttal. Yeah, we can Ask any boss i've ever had there's always a

Hey jake, you are fired. Let me say one more thing. Hey jake do me a favor when you're actually crossing Can you actually look in the other direction in rebuttal? Okay, great. It's just actually it's a technical thing So this is a really sweet call We're really happy and one thing you could think about doing is pop in champagne and just telling them all the wonderful things He does for you in his life again. I mean what we're getting inside here is is Jake's idea All right Lord, thanks for the call appreciate Hey, how you doing friend? Hello, I'm good. How are you?

Good, you're on with uh, old JG. Pfft. Trying something new and it failed. We'll keep it. Okay, we keeping it? I mean, we, I think it... Hey Jake? Yeah.

I love it. Okay, good. I think it's unbelievable. And you've got a special guest. You didn't even intro me, so... You're the G in JG. It all makes sense, I love it. Go, babe've got a special guest. You didn't even intro me so you're the G and JJ. It all makes sense I love it go babe, though. You loved it. Come on. No what it was come on What did you think JJ was I support a man who looked like he was flailing when he was a guy?

Oh, buddy, we're both covered in glitter and from the movie self-reliance a guy who He knows I love him. Mr. Darryl Johnson Everybody welcome. So can we get your name, please? My name is BK BK. Hey, we're JG. Yeah, that's pretty good. I BK where you call him from I'm in Philly Billy nice. He came from Philly and how old do you BK?

26 and why do they call you BK have it your way? You're a king the nickname. Yes, have it my way initial stuff like that respect the shortening from BTK the serial killer lineage No comment And really fast BK. What are your thoughts on quiz knows subway where you at there? We just had a little off-camera thing about what made quiz knows great you got any thoughts there BK what are your thoughts on Quiznos subway where you at there we just had a little off-camera thing about what made Quiznos great you got any thoughts there BK um honestly I haven't had Quiznos in probably 15 years nobody has same way probably five there was a moment where it was pretty goddamn good wasn't it yeah my my experience with Quiznos was short but very same with all of ours and BK

What do you like about quiz knows if you say the toasted bread? I'm gonna freak out I just thought the service was great and don't forget it. Don't sleep on the bar BK. Do you work for subway? Yeah, what's your deal? very piece Very careful. All right, BK. I agree the service at quiz knows as a whole way better than Subway. Yeah, that's sponsored We have a sponsor in the zone now. So can you tell us what you're calling about? I Work for a pro sports team And hold on which one I work for the Philadelphia wings, which is a box across team in the NLL

So it's kind of like an up-and-coming sport sport. We think it's kind of like the next major league. I like when you pretended to know who the Philly Wings were. Yeah, I got confused. But you, what, hockey? I thought it was Flyers. Oh yeah. It's boxed lacrosse. It's boxed lacrosse.

So that's- Okay, I know all about lacrosse. I'm from Maryland. You work for a lacrosse sports team, the Philly Wings. Floor is yours. I am a young guy, obviously. I made friends with a lot of the players on the team, and I travel with the team on the road, which is great because we all go out together after a big win, and it's just fun

hanging out with the boys, right? But my problem is, when we go out, I'm being mistaken for a player a lot of the times. I'm tall, relatively athletic looking. And it's, it's cool. Like being mistaken for like, oh, you like good game, man. I like so far that the problem is like, I'm athletic. I'm handsome. Good luck.

I'm young. Yeah. All right. I, you see Quiznos, the service was good. Yeah. I have stamina. I got a huge cock. Here's the problem They projected the last little bit on guys, but this is a team

You want to comment on the size of your cock? Bk, go ahead So you're like me and Gareth How's that hard no comment Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm willing to comment on everything there and no one's business, but my own what about anything else I'm willing to share. I'll tell you everything but that I believe should be between a man and his body It's about someone else's body. I'll comment mine who cares. Let's not talk about it. I don't think it's important BK So people think you're a player, yes? Yeah, which is great, but then I feel like I'm kind of stealing the clout of the players a little bit.

And especially when these conversations happen in front of the other players, I really, I'm like, hey, I don't work for the team. I did a great job taking photos tonight, or posting tweets. And immediately... What is that called? Stolen valor? Yeah. I don't work for the team. I did a great job taking photos tonight or post and tweet. Um, and immediately. What is that called? Stolen valor? Yeah. Yeah. Stolen valor.

Um, and just pure disappointment and however excited the people that are talking to me are immediately then they think I'm a loser and I see it all over their faces. I agree. Um, so I'm just kind of, I'm just kind of looking for a way to meander out of these situations where I'm mistaken for a player in front of players. So BK, let me, let me see if this is the right pitch. People think you're a player, you're hanging out with the players. No one's told you in terms of the other players like, Hey BK, cool it. But you know, it's not right. But when you say, I kind of take photos, the person person talking going like can I talk to anybody?

But be kidding and it's rooting the vibe for them for you and the players. It's a total loss Yes for everybody and there's no point because you're just in a bar who cares is this correct? Yeah, so before we get into it. What do you think of quiznos? I'm sorry What okay? Did you might have said this what exactly are you you're running their social media? Yeah, so obviously, it's not like a big five Like sports league sure I'm the I like to do digital content

Creative strategy so photo on the road team video. I post all the tweets. I update the website So photo on the road, team video, I post all the tweets, I update the website. VK, we're all set. Gareth is going to pitch first. Do you want me to go first? Yeah. All right. So, well, I have a few pitches, but one is you could get a shirt made that said, not a player, and that can be your after game wear.

But there might be a play where you can actually use it to the advantage of what you're trying to build over there and differentiate yourself as not one of the players. So, you know, like people, Caitlin will tell you, our social media guru, she's in the room today, people like a story. Like again, you're going to post stuff about lacrosse and like you're saying, it's not a top tier sport, so people might not be that interested. I think a very interesting story is the story of a man who keeps getting mistaken for a lacrosse player, but isn't.

And you can get content out of this. You could film when people come up to you after and come up to you and say you're a player. You could film the disappointment that goes across their face when you're not. You could film some of the players who are maybe having agita over the fact that you keep stealing their valor.

So you could use it. It could be a thing. You could even talk into the camera, not saying you make yourself a star, but you could use it. It could be a thing. You could even talk into the camera, I'm not saying you make yourself a star, but you could talk into the camera and be like, hey, it's me, BK. As you know, I go on the road and people always think that I'm a player.

I'm not. You'll see tonight after the game, have one of the guys film you and you come over, go, I just broke her heart because I had to tell her I'm not actually a player. So BK, when you hear that, because at first I thought Garf was doing the old ramble mouth. And what I mean by that

It's not it's how we both do it. That's fine. Hey, I got no issues with and the term ramble mouth is when we don't know what The pitch is we can't have silence. So someone's Someone's got to say something you just got to go So here's what I'm thinking the reality of this situation is quiz nose is a wonderful thing But I like that here's when you're halfway through your post. Somebody goes, do you mind if I interrupt? Yeah, please. I mean, I really feel like I'm getting momentum, but go ahead and take it. But the idea of filming the mishaps is fun because

you're turning it into the story and it could get really big. Now we're going to keep pitching BK, but what are you thinking of that? I think there's potential legs there. Um, also potential issues in terms of, uh, just showcasing our players in a light that maybe they wouldn't want to be seen. Like, cause I'm out with the players, you know, so, but hold on, but you're not insulting them, it's your creative.

I mean, how Caitlin started doing social media for us now She's in the fucking show and I'm good and I think any player would be fine Because it's a different way if you put more asses in seats. Yeah, they will shut the fuck up. They will not care Uh, there were you at what are you thinking? So I like everything that gareth pitched there my only ad would be I know He said make a shirt that says not a player Yeah, but I would say I'm not a player, but I crush a lot Could be merged to that first of all that's merch. It's a song Yeah, go ahead and use that people know it in the zeitgeist. Yeah, and also you could crush more. Yes

What do you think about a shirt that says not a player, but I crush a lot So it generates attention the person talking to you goes about a shirt that says not a player, but I crush a lot so it generates attention The person talking to you goes. What does that mean and then you got a little bit now? You got a story, okay? I've told people that I'm not a player before and people have not believed me. Okay, so I got a funny I got a bill I agree But we're on so the premise of this one is we're at the bar because our friend We're here to help him and he's passing on a lot of what we say and that's okay, but that's part of it. So how about this when they go good game tonight? What if you say?

I'm not a player. I'm the owner of the team. Mm-hmm and they go what and you go yeah, and they go You're so young and you go I'm a kid millionaire. Mm-hmm, and they go get out of town When'd you buy this team and you go? Well, the first time I bought was I was nine. Yeah, And they go, get out of town. When'd you buy this team? And you go, well, the first time I bought was I was nine. Yeah. And they go, how'd you make your money? You go, at six I became a millionaire. Yeah. And they go, how? And you go, my brain. And they go, what'd you do? And you go, invented shit. And then they go, let's just talk lacrosse because it's just a stupid game with fucking, everyone's throwing a ball around and it's fun. Because you want to know why? At 23 I had a nervous breakdown. They go, why?

And you go, cause I was worth 1.1 billion dollars. And they go, you didn't. And you go, and I decided it's time to watch a bunch of grown men in shorts and shoulder pads throw a ball around. So I just do this for fun. What do you do for a living? And they go, I work at Quiznos. Exactly.

I see it. What do you think about a big lie that the players can get? And then a player could go, you don't know about him and They go no and he goes He was worth two point one billion dollars when he was nine years old why ideas and now at when you're out of the bar You have a game we've talked about this before but going back to the fake Jake saga There is gamemanship of you're in a bar. You're just having fun I have a way to escalate that place, but why don't we get your reaction to that, BK?

What do you think? It sounds great. I mean, the ownership group is Comcast, so it's definitely a live fun. So there is no real owner. But then, yeah, then I can get to the whole owning Comcast thing as well. So you like the idea of coming up with a fun lie

that the players could be in on too? Because then you could say, I created this dumb lie because I'm not looking for stolen valor. You guys are the players and I respect that. But I'm also bumming people out. If someone said that to me and I was a player, I'd laugh. What if you include the players in that they're able to give you your storyline for the night or the next time?

Oh, it constantly changes. Yeah. So the players can come up to you and go, you know what? Actually, BK, tonight you're not a kid millionaire. You are. Oh, you're a brother of one of the players who got cut from the team. And you act, you know, some like some other version of. Or you could do what? Or you're the you're the you're the mascot ring.

Yeah. Or you want to ask You know the MVP player you got caught gambling against your team. Yes, you're suspended. Yeah Darryl, what are you thinking? I do have like one additional question For BK. What is your goal? With this job. Do you want to be a part of the organization? Or is this just a way for you to be in your 20s and not really be responsible for anything? He wants to have it his way. Yeah, he sure does. I haven't really thought about that enough. I graduated in 2020 but I got this

job right before graduation. So this is a kind of a COVID job and I haven't found anything better since but I don't know what my end game is. So your end game should be to lie every night, create a story and win. Because if I'm gonna introduce you to this theory called, fake it till you make it. Have you ever heard of that? You're 26, you ain't heard of that shit, you young.

Fake it till you make it baby, get rich, get laid. You're 26, what are you doing? You're not spending no money. You live at home? Actually, key part of the story, I have a long-term girlfriend. I live with my girlfriend and my brother lives with us too in Chile. Okay. So I'm not smashing. You're not looking to crush a lot.

But that's fine. But by the way, you are looking to have a lot of fun. Yeah, we know how boring the road can get. You're just looking to have a little bit of fun with a Situation that's becoming a little bit lame. Yes. Yeah, and really avoid the Avoid disappointing people so let's lean into a lie What's a lie that you would be comfortable with that could be big enough? You don't want to do little lies little lies are dark

Yeah, where somebody goes like what do you do? And you're like well, I'm a talent scout and then you're like okay. What I drive them and you go like okay fucking why lie If you're gonna lie you get it's gotta be massive Yeah, yeah, so that is so dumb then at a certain point They could go your lie that your story doesn't add up and you go That's because I lied well, and then you walk away And then you walk away, and they go like that dude was really weird, and you go I agree Yeah, it would have been better. Hey, then you go you want the truth. Yeah, I do social media for the team and they go Thanks for lying. Yeah, cuz you brighten my day so BK

What's a lie that you kind of like so pretend this Darrell you're at a bar mm-hmm Garf bartender Yes, okay, and BK the game just happened the Philly Wings 1 6 to 4 Everybody's out and then you know, maybe start obviously are you a player blah blah blah and then BK You're BK. So let's see what you come up with. Ah, damn it. This margarita machine is not working. Yeah Let me just get a jack and coke Two ingredients that's pretty simple for me. I try to keep it easy, baby Yeah, I do too hey buddy has always been that way for me Maybe walk to the other side of the bar away from the bartender. He's stuck behind the bar

Okay, if you and PK walk away, yeah, okay Let me know if you guys need anything else all right. We'll be back in a second. Okay. All right. Hey, Tammy No, the camera's not with you We'll be back in a second. Okay. All right. Hey Tammy. No the cameras not with you Background background water Hey buddy, uh, that was a great game tonight, uh, are you part of the team? Oh, thanks, man Uh, no, I actually kind of I own the team though. Okay, I don't believe you Because you didn't really commit to the lies one sideways

So I need you to commit to the lie and then we're gonna try this one more. Okay, you don't say no I'm not part of the team. Well, you are okay, so I denied what I said Do you know the rules of improv back? Man this Parker Rita machine really shit out at me. Hey, hey, how's it going, man? It's good, man I don't want a margarita. Can you stop selling me on this damn margarita? Jello shots? No. Have you ever heard of the Clyde special? My name is Clyde. You are the worst bartender in the world. Most bartenders are supposed to listen to the patrons and not talk at them. Let me tell you, I'm born and bred in Toledo. I've been in this bar for now 50 episodes. I told you to get out of here.

Sir, can I just get a Jack and Coke please? Thank you. Two ingredients? That's sweet on my hands. 68 and ball me probably Yeah, just send it over here. We're going over here to talk real quick No, we're far don't look it up. You guys want any curly poppers? Didn't I tell you to stop asking me questions? They're like jalapeno poppers Oh, what's up man, do you know my friend BK? Oh, hey, what's up BK man? How's it going brother? Hey great game tonight Do you play for the team? Oh, thanks, man. Yeah, I'm the mascot.

Oh, shit. Ding, ding, ding. I mean, that's cool. Like, I love, I've never met a person that was behind the costume, man. That's great. How much fun is that for you? I, you know, saw some t-shirts,

taking pictures with babies, high-fiving people. It's great, It's great. I like the play of the mascot. That was good. What do you think of leaning into the mascot? You know, I think it's there, but at the same time, I like what you said earlier about getting players in on it, you know, and switching things up long season. You know, we're going to close this one up and you're gonna tell the players the first lie is

Mascot the second lie is owner because what you don't want to do is get a bunch of lacrosse players I'm thinking of doing this lie and they go. What do you want it to be and you go? I don't know Yeah, that's like saying hey, can you guys all come over? I want to work on a project bunch of people come over They go, what's the project you go? Like oh, no, what do you got and they go like you got to have some rules my guy You got to drive this train. Also, these are athletes. They don't have a lot of functioning power up there up top You never know it's all in their thighs. Okay, let's lean into The team helping yeah, but start with the first three. I think you got owner of the team

I think you got mascot. What's one other one he could lead out with what's a good lie. He could say he's the mascot He's the owner He could be a kid who was like it was his dream to go to a game and they liked him so much that he kept Working for the team or he was originally a towel boy. What about you were once a towel boy for the fillings What about your dad was the legend of he was like the Wayne Gretzky of the Philly Wings? Yeah Yeah, you're you're your lineage, baby What do you think of those as your top three? I? Think that could be good one that also slipped into my head was potentially I'm suspended

So I'll be like I didn't play I'm suspended suspended is great. What'd you do give some ridiculous? That's good I I fought a cheerleader fun. Yes Cheerleader so we got a win here. I love it. Thank you for the call. I would lean out with the three and your third one would be you fought a cheerleader. I love it.

That's great. BK, have it your way. Thanks guys. Love you buddy. Peace. Love you. Okay. Hey everyone, producer Kevin here. Guess what?

We have the clip of the interview that Morgan did from the first call. However, there were some, guess what we have the clip of the interview that morgan did from the first call however there were some uh... i'll say unforeseen circumstances that would have been very insane if morgan just broke into the motor man character we're talking about

uh... so he didn't do it unfortunately but he still did the interview and honestly i love that he did the interview uh... and i want to put in the episode so I love that he did the interview and I want to put it in the episode. So enjoy The sport is soul racing and it is growing in popularity across the country referee says go what is the object? So the object is to go to complete the number of cuts assigned as quickly as possible And the fastest time with What is the appeal to this? It's competition and it's racing. Morgan McGinnis is a salt racing competitor and says

the sport offers speed and some level of danger to participants. Really, it's just like drag racing. But instead of vehicles on a track, it's salt and a log. 3, 2, 1, go! like drag racing, but instead of vehicles on a track, it's stalls and a log. Three, two, one, go.

But Guinness found himself driving several hours to competitions when he thought he might not have one locally and now nearly 50 have signed up for his event. He says athletic ability is not a requirement to take part. So racing is definitely something that you don't have to be in shape to do. It helps, sure, but it's much more of a mental and your reflexes and preparation.

Preparation is nine-tenths of the game. He says although prizes will be awarded, his event is not sanctioned by a parent organization. The hope is to one day change that, making events like the one in our grant an annual occurrence. It appeals to the redneck in all of us. Oh, absolutely. Gil McClanahan, Eyewitness News. We're Here to Help is hosted by Jake Johnson.

And Gareth Reynolds. The show is produced and edited by Kevin Bartelt and the associate producer and editor is AJ McKeon. Our social media director is Caitlin Tanwakeo and our video editor is John De Bruyne. The theme song is made by Oliver Raleigh and you can check out his music at oliverraleigh.com. That's oliverralli.com. The album artwork is by James Fostike. You can find him on Instagram at James underscore Fostike, D-I-K-E. And if you'd like to see me do stand up on the road, go to Gareth Reynolds dot com.

Additional artwork by Patty Holland, you can find him on Instagram at P-A-D-D-Y Holland 2004. And if you'd like early access to episodes, subscribe to our Patreon at patreon.com slash your to help pod. And if you'd like to be on the show, email us your question at helpfulpod at gmail.com. All of the advice given on We're Here to Help is for entertainment purposes only and all listeners should be adults and make their own decisions.