Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 492- Dracula (1979)

Episode Date: September 16, 2024

In this week's episode, we're discussing the 1979 rendition of "Dracula" that features the 1970s' most unlikely fuckboy, Frank Langella. Wowwww. Special topics for your consideration include: getting all the spackle off your face and/or neck, interchangeable ladies' names that are decidedly not interchangeable based on a classic of gothic literature, seeing to your comfort, Donald Pleasance doing what he does best (being Donald Pleasance), and the hornier heights of Francis Ford Coppola.  Please feel free to go listen to us discuss Allen's favorite Dracula in "Bram Stoker's Dracula" (Episode 110) or my favorite Dracula (lol jk) in Episode 317- "Dracula 2000." Just for good measure, please check out Episode 355- "Twilight" and know that I have offered to cover another movie from the franchise and Allen has outright refused. Take it up with him. The regular lineup of links! You can support us at patreon.com/werewolfambulance and listen to a ton of action movie episodes. Please, I am begging you, please vote for "Masters of the Universe" starring Dolph Lundgren for this month's movie!   leave us a message at 412-407-7025 hang out with some cool listeners at https://discord.gg/DutFjx3cBD  buy merch at www.teepublic.com/user/werewolfambulance the best place to reach us is at [e-mail] we're on Reddit at r/werewolfambulance sorta on Twitter @werebulance sorta on Instagram @werewolfambulance www.werewolfambulance.com if you feel you really must lodge a complaint with us, please do it on Facebook at facebook.com/werewolfambulance because we are probably not gonna see that, ever.   If you liked this, please leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen! It helps others find us and allows us to continue to grow. Intro song is by Alex Van Luvie Outro song is A. Wallis- "EMT" Seriously, we have the best listeners, hands down.

Alan. Katie. I need to apologize to this movie. Why is that, Katie? Because I watched it in like seven segments over three days. I was going to ask you what this movie. Why's that, Katie? Because I watched it in like seven segments over three days. I was gonna ask you what this movie looked like

at Benny Hill speed. That was only towards the end of the workday today when I was like, fuck, I gotta finish this. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba. I mean, this movie is fairly manic. So those manic scenes at 1.3 speed were wild. It's also very slow. So I could see you doing it at 1.3 speed and be like,

oh, this was a normally paced film. It is not a normally paced film. What movie are we talking about? We're talking about the 1979 Dracula. Grrr. Scott Frank Langella. I did not know. I didn't know he was such a stud.

Oh yeah. Isn't that flowing fluffy mane? He looks wild in this movie though. He looks like a Dracula grandma. Like he's got a Dracula cut, but it's really teased up and like really combed back. Thank you for being a fang. Yes.

Oh, that's a good mango. Oh, this is probably my last mango of the season. I feel like they have it all year now. No. Yeah, I think so. You can buy it anytime, but why would you? By season, I mean this week. Yeah.

By this week, I mean today. Today. So we hope it on the Demeter. Yeah. By this week, I mean today, today. So we hope it on the Demeter. Yes. Coming in. We don't get anything back in Transylvania. We're just right on the Demeter. Yeah, sure. And the movie in this opening scene, it felt very dark and I couldn't see anything, which obviously pissed me off. And then I felt like the way in which it was trying to look like old film was just like making me mad

for reasons I couldn't articulate. Wait, you don't think this was just old film? It's from 1979. No, I know it's from 1979. I meant like the 1930s or something. Oh, okay. It made me mad in a way that I couldn't articulate. And then I turned up the brightness

on my laptop and I was like, ah, it's actually not that bad. But what's happening on this, on this ship? There's a wolf running around. Who led a wolf on this ship? Who? Well, it's Dracula as we know. It is. It's a shapeshifter. He is. And he's running around ripping all the putty off of people's necks. Yes, I wrote, the box is growling and a hand grabs his throat and scrapes off all the clay. I love it so much.

It made me so happy. I love it because I bet these effects looked fine in 1979. Sure. And now when you look at it, you're like, that's fucking, what's it called when you make a hole in the wall and then you gotta go over it? Spackle, it's Spackle. I assumed you were just gonna say butt because it looks like butt.

It does look a little butt. Poor Lucy looks like she fell into a, excuse me, poor Mina later looks like she fell into a bowl of oatmeal. I kinda love the way she looked. Yeah, I didn't say it was a bad thing. So people get be getting their throats ripped out. The captain ties himself to the wheel as we know from the book. I was wondering how much this movie was influenced by the play that started in 77 that Edward Gorey did the set pieces for and Raoul Julia

was Dracula on Broadway. I know that this was based on a combination of the book and the Broadway show. Yeah, what was it, the Broadway show from the 20s? I don't fucking know, why would I know? Why would I, don't ask me this, I know one thing and I already said it. How dare you?

How dare you rub it in that I don't know? Wait, he's questioning someone rubbing it in? Yes! All right, when someone gives you information, be satisfied, move on. Take what you can get and don't throw a fat. So, Wolf attacks the captain, rips his troat out as well. And then we cut to the lunatic asylum.

Right, where Mina lives, I guess. With her dad, who's her dad? Who's playing her dad in this movie? You didn't tell me Donald Pleasance was in this movie. I didn't know Donald Pleasance was in this movie. And this is not Mina's dad, this is Lucy's dad. This is Lucy's dad, sorry. Because in this fiction of this movie, Lucy and Mina are reversed.

Yeah, why? I don't know. And I got very confused about it at several points. Every time I'd be like, no, it's Mina. No, it's Lucy. No, it's Mina. Well, apparently the director thought that Mina was a dopey name and Lucy was a pretty good name.

And I was like, yes, why I need my kid Lucy? Because you just wanted her to have a pretty good name. Pretty good name. You know what? It's a pretty good name. Yeah, it is. People a pretty good name. Pretty good name. It's a, you know what? It's a pretty good name. Yeah. People say that a lot. Pretty good. That's a pretty good name. That's a pretty good name. And also instead of being her suitor, Dr. C word is Lucy's dad. So I think this, if I remember correctly,

the suitor thing was a fiction in the Bram Stoker's Dracula movie. No, it's in the book. It's in the book. Yeah. They all proposed to her. Him and Quincy and Arthur all proposed to her. Yeah. Where's Quincy at? No fucking Quincy. No fucking Arthur. We get one Jonathan Harker and he sucks. No point. Does she lean into Quincy and go, let me touch it. It's so big. does she lean into Quincy and go, let me touch it, it's so big.

I fucking love how horny Frances Coppola was. I need you all to know what Alan did with his body while he was doing that line, which is he kind of like undulated his shoulders. Little Axl Rosey. Yeah, a little Axl Rose, a little bit of neck action, and then he had this big grin on his face. Cause it's so fucking old man horny and I love it.

It's so big. Nina's unwell. Maybe it's that wig. I don't know. She already looks poorly when we meet her. She is. And Donald Pleasence is so fucking pissed about it. He's like, there's nothing wrong with her, but she's dying.

What? Donald Pleasence? You're so drunk. Settle down. What is it about Donald Pleasence people like, doctor? Look at that guy. Doctor. I don't know.

Man of authority. No. Is it the bald paint? Is that just what it like? He must have a good brain. It blasted all the hair off his head. I don't know, because I don't buy him as a brain boy.

And he's such an asshole in this movie. Love him so much. Oh my God. Tell them women to get out of the way if they aren't helping. He's just like, Laudanum, Laudanum, Laudanum, Laudanum. Give them all Laudanum.

And then later, he's like, I wouldn't give Laudanum, Laudanum, Laudanum, Laudanum. And then later he's like, I wouldn't give Laudanum to my own daughter. He's saying this to Dr. Van Helsing, who is in this, the fiction of this movie, Mina's father. And he's like, but I gave it to your daughter. You piece of shit. Who, whomst is playing Dr. Van Helsing?

I actually don't know. Oh, that's Lauren's fucking Olivier. Is it really? That's our fellow. Alan, I saw so little of this film. It's your bingo cards. Didn't watch the movie. I watched, I watched of it. It's hard for me to take notes at work. Sure. Yeah. That's all right. I should probably stop watching the movies at work, but the work recording on

Oh, day early this week. Last night was the debate. I had to watch that. Debate. Debate. Presidential debate. Oh, there was a presidential debate. Yeah, we won. We won. The good guys won. Goodish guys. Look, I'm excited to vote for a copium. She lives there. She lives with Lucy. They share a bed. I also have to say, this movie looks beautiful. Stylistically lovely. Yeah, absolutely. Like her boudoir is gorgeous. The set design of Dracula's castle rules. Oh my god. When the storm's raging and the Demeter is crashing into the coast, I loved it, thought it looked great.

It's like a ghost ship. And she makes a run for it in the rain through the cemetery, which is very emo. What's more emo than running through a cemetery in the rain? I don't know. I don't know. Uh.

So there's a shipwreck. Yeah. And this wolf is like, fuck, I drank too much. I shouldn't have been sailing because it's all his fault. Oh, she runs into a cave and finds a man and that man has smokers clubbed fingers when she finds him. Who is this man? It's a Franklin Jell-O Dracula. It's Franklin Jell-O Dracula. And he's wearing a wolf fur jacket. He sure is.

Wolf. I never pronounced the L in wolf. Wolf. Wolf. I'm the wolf, the killer woof. I am the egg man. Wow. We went from dancing to the Beatles.

I appreciate it. Cuckoo Cachoo. I think I really meant to do where Wolf's of London. I don't know why I dancing to the Beatles. I appreciate it. Cuckoo, Cuchoo. I think I really meant to do werewolves of London. I don't know why I brought up the Beatles. I don't even like the Beatles. I actually kind of hate the Beatles. Yeah. Fuck them. What'd you ever do? Oh, you guys stayed in bed for peace. Nailed it. Cool. Great job, assholes. It worked. But she holds hands with Dracula because he's all fucked up in the cave. He is. And then the cleanup starts and this fucking prick drives up in his car and everyone's

like, oh, a motorized horse carriage. Look at that. Is this Harker? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. His mustache is great. Everything else about him is trash. That mustache and that nose are not a good combination

because it looks like he's wearing a fake mustache and nose. That's true. I feel like he's a bit of a two-faced in this movie where you occasionally see him and you're like, oh, he's kind of a handsome man. And then you see him again and you're like, ah. He's a Punch and Judy puppet. Get away from her.

Seriously. And he's such a terrible character. He's no Keanu. Keanu Reeves Jonathan Harker is also a terrible character. Maybe Jonathan Harker is just a terrible character. Sure. Kind of a bitch, really. At least this one could do a passable British accent.

I think he is. Is he British? Yeah, I believe so. And Renfield's on the boat and Renfield's like, Oh Harker, you real piece of shit. You stole my house. You fucking prick. Renfield in the book replic is replaced by Harker when he goes insane after visiting with Dracula. Right. But in this fiction, he just stole the house. Oh my God. Does he mean he stole the stole the deal? Who cares? Who can say?

Renfield's the ultimate bootlicker. Don't you think? And bug liquor. Yeah. So we get the scene where they're like, um, uh, yeah, we've got all this dirt and we're just going to keep it here. And he's like, no, as soon as the captain died, this ship stopped being a ship and it became a land boy and I'm a land boy. And we're just going to keep it here. And he's like, no, as soon as the captain died, this ship stopped being a ship. And we became a land boy and I'm a land boy. And we're going to put all that stuff in Dracula's castle at Carfax Abbey, which for some reason is out on an island by itself. Odd, right?

So much of the book and other adaptations of this are like the carriage going there, wolves being on the way. And no, this is on an island. There's sharks, there's sharks on the way. Has there ever been a Dracula shark movie? Oh God, I bet. I'll Google it while you talk. Yeah. So then we get this scene, which I thought was weird. Tell me about it. So Lucy and Jonathan Harker are riding back to the house with Lucy's father. Yes. There's a 2022 movie called Sharkula.

Of course. Count Dracula's curse manifests in a bloodthirsty great white shark terrorizing a tourist town. Two out of 10 on IMB. Can we do Sharkula next next week? That's actually, I can't get in. I like the shark Nato's and all that. No, no, no, no. You make a bad movie. You make it by accident. You think you're making a good movie. So they're in the car and they get back to the insane asylum house. And Lucy and, uh, uh, Jonathan Harker are like, Hey, let's just fucking tongue bang our mouths while we're sitting next to Lucy's father. Who does not like him slipping her the tongue at all. He's like, Hey, save that for after

you're married. And they're like, sure. Okay. Now, so we had barely met the women and I was like, well, that's Mina right there. Of course it is. Yes. Of course. Cause Mina and Jonathan are, they're their husband or wife. They're, they're engaged. They're engaged. They're all fields. So when he sneaks off with Lucy later, I was like, you fucking dog, Lucy, you slut. You know what I mean? You're cheating on you. You're, you're doing this behind your friend's back. Yeah. While she's sleeping in your bed. Yeah, she's not doing that. No, that's not what's happening at all.

She's still doing it, girl. It took me a really long time. Yeah. Actually, when the movie was over, I looked at the Wikipedia page and was like, what have I missed? Why was this never addressed? What have I done? What have I done?

What have I wrought? Seriously. Because I didn't understand why at Mina's funeral, they're like, well, I guess we're breaking up. Yeah. Because why are they breaking up? Yeah. Yeah.

Because I thought he was engaged to her and Lucy felt so bad about having left her. Whatever. It doesn't fucking matter. Oh, yeah. I don't know how much linear attention I was paying to this at any given moment. I mean, again, I watched it over three days, wrapped it up just before I got here. I even know this is Mina Van Helsing. So many liberties. So many liberties.

Willa Mina not as good of a name as Lucy. I think Mina is a fine name. Yeah. Willa Mina is a good name. Yeah. Yeah. But Lucy, it's a pretty good name. It's a pretty good name. It's a pretty good name. So we meet Mr. Swales. Mr. Swales works at the Insane Asylum and is also the most fresh out of Give a Fuck's butler that's ever existed. I need to be someone bringing me champagne, Rich. I need this. I can't get my own champagne anymore. But you also need to be, the food's hot and done.

I guess if you want it or whatever you pieces of shit. He was so mean to them and I was like, kind of into it. I mean, if you're going to work for somebody, let them know you, you have disdain for them. And I assumed all the lozenges that Dr. Seward was popping were laudanum lozenges. I mean he's fucked. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. And we get Frank Langella. They invite Dracula over for dinner. Why? Don't invite Dracula over for dinner. They don't know that he's Dracula yet. But I know, but look at that man. You don't want him in your house.

He's gonna steal your women and your CD collection. I do not find him to be an attractive man. He's not an ugly man by any stretch of the imagination. He's a good looking dude. Would. But like, yeah, I don't, I don't have a wood for him. Like he, he already looked old in this movie to me. I don't mind that he's got Chris Sarandon vibes in a way.

I was going to say that he does have Sarandon vibes. Yeah. But he's only 40 in this movie. Oh my God. He's my age. Yeah. I look great. I'm so youthful looking. Dr. Seward my age. I look great. I'm so youthful looking. Dr. Seward was 27.

Donald, no. Apparently, Frank Langella was like a total playboy too. Like everybody was like the flirted with everybody. Just tall. Come on. Yeah. So you got to love an Italian Dracula. Sure. Yeah. Missy was convinced that she had seen this movie in the theater. And I was like, there's no way you saw this movie when you were nine. So I was like, hold on a second.

So I went and did a little bit of research. The same year, there was a George Hamilton Dracula. Do you remember George Hamilton? What else would I know him from? I don't know, episodes of the Love Boat. No! How old do you remember George Hamilton? Uh, what else would I know him from? Uh, I don't know. Episodes of the love boat. No! How old do you think I am? Google George Hamilton. Okay. Okay.

Picture Dracula in your mind and then Google George Hamilton. What the fuck? Was he a game show host? He looks like a game show host. He's the tannest human being that's ever existed. Still alive. Of course. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Yeah. I mean, I assumed at this point he is just like leather

that's been dried so he can never die. He's not a Dracula. No. No. You can't be a tan Dracula. No, that's not his thing. Decidedly. But it was like, it was a comedy movie. Sure.

And I was like, I bet that's what you saw. And she's like, probably. No. Cause you were nine. Nine, nine Melissa. Her name's not Melissa. Also apparently, um, Franklin Jell-O was like, I'm going to play this as like a romantic film. He saw himself as I understand it to be, cause I read the Wikipedia page, cause I didn't understand why the fuck Jonathan Harger and Lucy broke up. Um,

he, he, he, he read Dracula as like an erotic, lonely man. So even though he's evil, he's still capable of love. And that really comes across because by the end of this movie, I was like, let them fucking be together in this casket. Like this isn't your business anymore. No dog. She left you. She left you. She sucked on that man's nipple. She left you. You don't get to just go and physically drag her away and shoot her new boyfriend.

That makes you the bad guy. Oh my gosh. So yeah, they, they, they, they invite Dracula over for dinner. He has the worst reading of the, I don't drink wine line. Cause he just goes, I don't drink wine. Anyway, I never drink wine. I was like, Oh, he gets migraines. I understand that. I feel you. That's fine. Oh yeah. But it's better when he says, I don't drink wine. I'm blood. Blood is what I drink. We're better Dracula's. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Actually, I think he's a great Dracula. Actually, this movie sucks, go on.

So he says something about Mina looking great or something. And Lucy goes, I don't think she looks well at all. Fucking rude. Because she wanted to get ticked down by the hot Italian Dracula. I mean, whomst amongst us. I mean, it raises the age old question. Yeah. Dracula's dick work. He did. They fuck in this movie. There's a fuck scene. They fuck. I thought they were just like erotically licking each other's chests. Is that what you think fucking is Stephen King? It's where you rub your tum tums together real fast until one of you gets a burn. That's how you know you finished. If you don't get burned, I guess you just never finish.

I guess someone didn't read the dark tower. So at this dinner, Swales cuts his finger and Dracula's like, he has real blood horny. He is a creep and blood horny and weird. Just a weird guest has bad manners and everyone's like, this is fine. He, he hypnotizes Mina because I, what happened to her? She like fell down or something. I don't know.

It's like, everyone takes Dracula's medical advice instead of the doctor because he's stoned off his gore. out of the fucking doctor because he's stoned off his gore. She hurts herself and he's like, Oh, I'll do. I just refer to it as doing the dozer and she's like, Oh, I don't feel any more pain at all. Yeah. And then they have a sensual dance him and Lucy. Yes, they do in In front of Jonathan Harker, right? Yeah. Her fiance? Who I thought was her best friend's fiance. Whatever.

I'm glad I never have to dance publicly, truly. Holy ghost. It kind of felt like Jonathan and Lucy saw Dracula from across the room and were interested. They sent a drink over to him. So we've been thinking about. So cut to Lucy or Mina or whomever being woken up in the middle of the night.

They're pretty much interchangeable characters until one of them dies. And they're both engaged to Jonathan Harker. As far as we know. In this scene I was like, he's slipping everyone in the tongue. Err, err. There is what I thought was a phone call in the middle of the night,

because I was like, why is a phone ringing? Are we in phone times already? No. But it's the doorbell that sounds like a phone. Yeah, it does. And she goes to the door, and the guy has a phone call in the night, or was it the doorbell, or a bike?

Someone's riding a bike through these. Pring, pring, pring. She runs out and she's looking for Jonathan, and then he scares her, but she's still real horny, and then she's like, hey man, stop being a dick, and he, I just haven't noticed this is Jonathan, this little bitch. He is a little bitch, I don't even know what it's like, Hey man, stop being a dick. And he, I just haven't noticed this is Jonathan, this little bitch. He is a little bitch.

I don't even know what it's about, but every line he delivers, you're like, ew. He's like, he scares me. She's like, yeah, I'm not really into you doing that. Please don't do that again. He's like, Oh, whatever you piece of shit. You're so stupid. And then she's like, Oh, well,

I'm just going to go inside and Mr. Harker. And he's like, Oh, Mr. Harker is it? And then they just start making that again. And Dracula's watching this like, Hey, that's not cool, man. Yeah. If your dick works, you fap it, right? His butt wings make a fapping noise. Yeah. He's a pervert. He's a pervert. He's doing some building crawling here, which you gotta love, I guess, if you're forced to.

It's very Batman 1960s. Yes. Yes. It's Adam West. And what's his face? Dick. No, I don't remember the guy's name. Robin. Yeah. Dick Ward is Robin's real name. I don't remember the actor's name though. Adam West? No, Adam. No, the guy who played Robin. Oh, it doesn't matter. Yeah. He had a huge dick apparently. Fantastic. He wrote about it in his own autobiography.

So it must be true. I know I'm going to write about how I had a perfect body in mind. So I was hoping you were going to say huge vagina. A vagina you could drive a Volkswagen into. So this is given real Harlequin romance vibes. Absolutely. My bodice is being ripped all over the place.

Yeah. So he's, he's crawling around. I have a note that says bringing the dog. No idea what that means. Yeah, so he's crawling around. I have a note that says, bringing the dog. No idea what that means. Is this when Renfield is just sleeping on the floor in his castle on his back? Like, it's like- Cause Dracula knocked him out.

Yeah. Knocked his ass out. Oh, I forgot he knocked his ass out. Yeah, and then Renfield wakes up in Carfax Abbey. And he's trying to get water to come out of a tap, but it's covered in cobwebs. Why would you think that there'd be water in there? Somehow I've written myself a note,

we're all a little Renfield, aren't we? And I don't know what I mean by that, because we're not, I'm not. Ladies and gentlemen, we just found out that Katie, if thirsty enough, will try to eat a bug. Yeah, it's juicy. I'm so parched, grasshopper. I mean, you're on the ocean. It's going to be, it's not going to get any better, but at least it would help for a minute.

Drinking ocean water for a minute. It would help until you could get the tap working. I don't care. I don't know. And I don't care. I don't understand why Renfield works for Dracula in the fiction of this movie. Yeah, they do. There's no mention of him going to Transylvania. Yeah, it's very funny. Yeah. He just has him. He just owns Renfield, basically.

Who also then lives in the asylum. Uh-huh. Okay. Because he eventually gets asylum'd. Oh, he had not previously lived in the asylum. I thought that for some reason I had it in my head that he had lived at the asylum, been taken by Dracula and then was returned to the asylum. That doesn't make any sense. Dr. Seward, I'm done with this. If you'd like to take it back.

His work here is done. I love when Dracula's climbing upside down down the wall and he gets to Mina's window, Mina's window. And his way of knocking out the window is just knocking the molding off the window with his upside down hands. It's rude. It's fucking rude. And he does that enough that he could just push the glass out without breaking it. Yeah. And then goes into her bedroom and she's gonna give him some of that sweet, sweet neck meat. Yeah.

So the next morning when she's having a seizure, I guess, uh, and Donald Pleasance comes in and starts slapping her, which I feel like was not in the script. And he, I got a real vibe that he likes slapping that woman. He was slapping the shit out of her. Purposefully. And then she died. I was like, Oh wait, she's dead. Mina doesn't die. No, wait. All right. Okay. Yeah. She, she, she dead. She's dead. She's dead. He closes her eyes with his fingers, which I know you love.

We also get a shot of a kids working in coal mines and I was like, ah, the good old days. Oh yeah. You know like how Iowa is now or whatever. Arkansas didn't, uh, Oh, it's Huckabee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Huckabee. God damn Huckabee. Sorry, Iowa. I didn't mean that about you. I've never been to either state. Oh really? What would I do in either of them? I assume maybe on a tour or something. Nah. Arkansas. Arkansas. At the breakfast the next morning.

Dr. C word does not give a fuck. He's eating like runny eggs. He's eating through this entire fucking movie and I think it's hilarious. There's like a closeup of like a lid being pulled off a plate and it's like an English breakfast. I don't know why we're getting a closeup on it, but we are. It looks like they cooked it all at the same time on the platter. And Lucy's like, well, what killed her? And Donald Pleasance is like, killed her is an odd word.

No, it isn't. Something killed her. She's dead, see? Something killed her. That's how killing works, Donald Pleasance. He's an idiot, but a hungry one. Because he just grabs like eight eggs off the plate. Yeah and he's like pouring them into his mouth and they're like dripping into his lap. It's horrible. He's eating like Rocky over there. Did you ever eat with someone for the first time and you're just like,

oh no. For sure. That's how I felt about this. is the first time I hate what dr. Stewart. It's the first time I ever saw Donald Pleasance eat He's usually just chewing the scenery. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry. Frank Langella needs to chew the scenery in this movie There's no more scenery for Donald Pleasance to chew So she's got two puncture marks on her neck. Yep Seward sends Van Helsing a telegram, which is just like, Ooh, about that daughter you left with me. He has that. He says to the telegram, uh, telegram operator, read it back to me like a good girl. And then he goes, no, died, not lied.

I was like, my God, you piece of shit. She obviously didn't read it back like a good girl. No. Read it back like a bad girl. So doctors then, then Jonathan goes to Carfax Abbey and it lets them self in. You sold this house. You don't get to just let yourself in anymore. No.

What if the realtor who sold you your home could just come whenever they wanted? Hey Lillian, how are you? realtor who sold you your home could just come whenever they wanted. Hey, Lillian, how are you? I didn't know if you had maybe a big plate of eggs and beans I could get into mushrooms, fried tomatoes. I love mushrooms. Sure. Yeah. As do I. I don't love a cooked tomato though. No. I mean, I like a cooked down tomato in like a sausage, but just a cooked tomato. Oh, I don't mind a cooked tomato though. No. I mean, I like a cooked down tomato in like a sausage, but just a cooked tomato.

Oh, I don't mind a quick fried tomato. No, well, that's wrong. What? That's incorrect. That I don't mind? Mm-hmm. Put that on a little toast with an egg? Come on, knock your dick in the dirt.

You say knock your dick in the dirt? Yeah. All right, all right, all right. So Dracula and Jonathan are having a conversation. I don't know why Jonathan's there or why they're having this conversation. Dracula's like, Oh man, sorry about your friend dying. And he's like, you know, already, it's like, yeah. We had dinner last night. Remember? Yeah, but she wasn't dead then. Oh no, she was mostly

dead though, according to everybody in this movie that she's so ill. And he says to Jonathan, then you and Miss Seaward will marry. And he goes, I suppose so. Yeah. Aren't you engaged? The answer then is yes. So then they have a little tada-tat and then Renfield attacks Harker again. Yeah, Renfield jumps on his back and is like, I want you to help me. You've got to save me. And they have this very silly fistfight

because Harker has like driving goggles on. He looks like a fucking dick. There's no way to look cool in those things. No. No. Unless you're like a World War I flying ace. Yes. And he is not that.

No. So I think that's him attacking Harker is what gets Renfield institutionalized. Oh, OK. Yeah, because he's showing himself to be crazy pants. Because he was trying to get away from Dracula. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he does, for the most part.

Back to the asylum, and it is still, well, let's say bedlam in there. It is constant screaming. Just, if you weren't crazy when you came in, we're gonna make you so. The woman with the baby is the star of this movie. She is insane looking. Why?

Oh yeah, her one eye that's like an iguana eye and is just looking around the whole time. She has the biggest eyes you've ever seen anyway, like full white all the way around. Yeah. Why, why is there a woman with a baby in an insane asylum? Why does the baby have to live there? Like crazy baby. And also when we see the baby, it's just, it's a doll.

I think made out of the same putty, putty that the necks were made out of earlier. Looks like shit. And then Renfield's head is made out of later when it gets twisted around. Yes. So first we have to get Mina's funeral, right? Yeah. Okay. And this is where they break up.

Like Lucy says to Harker, let's not part enemies. And he says, we're not enemies. And I was like, wait, you guys just broke up? Is that breaking up? I think, I don't think they were breaking up. I think they were just having a little fight and she didn't want to like, you know, don't go to bed angry.

That kind of thing. That's bad advice. Go to bed angry because I'm going to tell you why, because sometimes when you're really tired and you're mad and you just keep fighting in circles, it's not good for anybody. Go to sleep, talk about it in the morning. That's my advice to you, young couples.

And that's from a person who has a very loving relationship. Is that good advice? I don't know if it works for you. I don't know. Fucking, I don't know. Give it a try. If it don't work for you, don't do it again. Yeah, I don't know.

So fucking Laurence Olivier shows up at this point. Yeah. Katie didn't recognize him. I'm also not that old. I'm also not that old. No Lawrence Olivia. Nine years and 10 months. But who's counting? If you ever want to get really upset, look at him playing Othello. Good blackface. Othello is famously a more. So he shows up.

Dr. Seward meets him on the train and they're like, your daughter's dead. He's like, okay, not as bombed as he ought to be. But then again, maybe she's always been sickly. Who can say? And she's already been buried. So what's he worried about? Yeah, that's right.

They buried him before he even buried her before he even got there. That's rude. That's really rude. Corpses are like house guests and fish after three days. They start to stink. Yeah. Three days, huh? So Lucy goes to Dracula

because Dracula invited Seward and Lucy over for dinner. And Stewart's like, I got to go to the train to meet my old bud. She's like, well it'd be rude if one of us didn't go. Plus I kind of want to fuck that dude. So let's see what happens. Have you seen his hair? Hair like that. He's gotta be swinging something. Yes. I just feel like going to Dracula's by yourself is a big no. Yeah, sure. Sure. At this point I got Dracula's wedding by a outcast stuck in my head.

He says to her, let me see to your comfort, which I think I'm going to start saying to guests in my home. I thought the same fucking thing. Why are we sharing a brain? Why do we have one between us? It would be better if we had two. Like I immediately thought like how confused would people be if they came into my house and I was like, Oh, let me see to your comfort. Oh, like what would you even, what would they ask for? I don't know. I don't know. Let me see to your comfort. I feel like they're just like,

don't touch my butt. Don't touch my butt. I'm seeing your comfort. Shh, shh, shh. Let me see your comfort. Let me see your comfort. So at Dracula's Castle, it's covered in both spider and cobwebs because they're active in and inactive webs. A thing you learned from this show. Well, from our friend David Cylinder. Yeah. As a result of doing the show, I mean. I think, yeah, yeah.

So and there was just candles everywhere and they're covered in cobwebs. And I was like, this is a fire hazard. Cobwebs are like the drier lint of nature. Yes, Lucy, get the fuck out of there because you're going to burn alive. And there was this fantastic shot. I really love this shot.

It felt very 1930s, like universal horror, it's shot down through a spider web with a spider crawling, like just out of like just the edge of the frame. Very good. I thought it was very cool while they're talking. Very, very good. This is where we learned that Mina had nervous prostration. Yeah. I was like, Oh, do I have that? And then I Googled it and I was like, Oh, I do. I think I do. Can I tell you what the symptoms of nervous prostration are? Please. Difficulty performing daily tasks. Strange sensations in the head. Disordered digestion. Okay. You know, I'm always farting weakness,

wakefulness, mental depression, and aches and pains in various organs. Oh shit. I think I might have that. I think we have that. Thanks, baby, for diagnosing us. Yeah. They have this very seductive conversation. I mean, they wanna fuck from the jump. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there's a fucking woman

jumping out a window of the insane asylum. Well, okay, yeah, they have this conversation, though. I just wanna say that there's this like weird, he has this weird incel line about like an acquaintance that's difficult to get rid of. Yeah. I thought that was very strange. I like, I rewound it a couple of times

to try to parse what he's saying. And I understand that he's like, once I'm in, I'm in. Yeah. But like the way he's saying it doesn't make a lick of sense. No, I feel like Frank Langella's like version of being romantic may be a little bit on that lick of sense. No, I feel like Frank Langella's version of being romantic may be a little bit on that spectrum of like. Which is wild, cause he fucks.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's certainly not an insole. But once he's fucked, you know, you're never getting rid of him. I don't know about that. You got a little bit of Langella in here for the rest of your life. Langella stank on your skin forever.

But yes, a woman goes out the window. And what has that woman done at the asylum? She's killed the baby. She drank that baby. She drank the baby. But when we see the baby, it's so clearly a doll that I was like, Oh, she never had a baby in the insane asylum. She just had a doll. And she's just upset. This is like a thing she's doing. And then Dr. Van Helsing is like, Oh fuck, that baby's dead. It was like, wait, what? If you drain a baby, I baby's dead. I was like, wait, what?

If you drain a baby, I don't know if you know this or not. I don't. It immediately turns into a doll. That's crazy. Yeah, I read that in Benicula. Oh, I love Benicula. Yeah, who doesn't? Got those white carrots now.

Still thinking about getting a Benicula tattoo? You won't. There's so many tattoos you have to get though. You still don't have a werewolf emuels tattoo, and that is what you said you would get when we got a hundred Patrons. And we have like many times that now. Yeah, I know, I know.

Why do you let me down like this? Because. Why do you let me down by not getting a tattoo on your own body? Cause you said if I got it on my throat it would make you uncomfortable. I did say that, I did. And it's not like you're out of room. Otherwise

Did you guys know that Alan is tattooed head to toe except for a werewolf shaped hole on his throat? Yeah, anyway this lady's a fucking star of this movie she's like she was hot as coal Her eyes red as rubies bad breath sharp teeth. I was like, please be my roommate. Just every Dracula explanation you could possibly want, she gives it to you. So good. Oh my God, it's so funny. And then we get this scene where cut to Lucy and Dracula out on the porch, the veranda.

And he fucks up the line. What's the line? The wolves are howling, which Lucy should have been like, Oh, we're in England. This is bad. This is very bad. There are no wolves here. Yeah. Um, but he says what sad music they make. Yeah. It's what beautiful music they make. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, what are you going to do next? Uh, Be careful for the dread, the dead travel. Eh, pretty good.

I mean, they're not like fast, but they're all right. They're all right. Yeah. I don't know. This movie, I feel like took Dracula and was like, what if we just change a couple things? Yeah. What if we made it more fucky?

What if like we swap one woman for another? Because it's just like, oopsie, what's one lady for another? I feel like Coppola saw this movie and it was like, fucking wimps. Watch how a master does it. It's so big. I need to just make a YouTube video of what Alan's doing every time he says that line. You need a GIF. Just a little GIF.

I'll make a GIF. I feel like picking my phone up right now. So cut to Seward's eating and drinking again by himself. He's just a fucking nut bar. He's straight useless in this movie. So good. Van Helsing is slowly putting things together with a magnifying glass in the book. If you say so. He's looking at a book and he sees a vampire bat and he's like, Oh, right.

He's looking at the bat teeth. Right. But this is after we've seen Lucy and Dracula make out. Yeah. And I was like, wow, he's using a lot of teeth. And then I was like, Oh, he's Dracula. Of course he is. I do like they make out and it's like,

he kind of like takes liberties and she's like, I don't know, psych. And then just like goes in. Yeah, she likes to fuck and then you gotta give her that. Yeah, yeah, they ain't no the wrong with that. So Van Helsing gives a cross necklace to Lucy. Yeah, a crucifix. Yeah, saying it was Mina's and I'm like, always wear it.

She does this for 10 minutes and she's like, fuck this, and hangs it over a photo of her and Mina. Yeah. Which appears to have been taken yesterday. Whatever. Minutes prior to her death, we took this daguerreotype. Yeah, what the fuck? This is where you texted me to ask

if I was having sassy feelings about Franklin Jell-O this afternoon. And the answer is yes, yes, Alan, I am. Dracula arrives on horseback, which is just like, are you not ready to fuck him yet? Because here he is on a horse, maybe now. Why would Dracula ride a horse? I don't know. Horses at all other times are afraid of Dracula.

Yes, they are. But they're not afraid of Lucy later when she's a Dracula. No, but they're like trying to dig her grave up and stuff. It's very, or Mina's grave up. Yeah, but then they take her for a ride to his house. Yeah, but she's like a half Dracula. Yeah, but horses are supposed to be so fucking soulful. Whatever.

Fucking a bat's a no-go for me. I have to say. And that's why I'm out talk. I can't fuck that bat. So they're at the cemetery at Mina's grave and they dig her up. They bring out horse to like, they bring this like white stallion and the white stallion is like, Oh, there's something going on down here and I do not like it. That digging at the grave. So they dig her up. There's no, she's not in there.

No, but I like this thing of the, uh, fucking Chekhov's mines earlier when they showed us the kids coming out of the mines. And then he's like, the whole town is riddled with a mine. Yeah, there's tunnels everywhere. Yeah. And the reason they're doing this anyway is because the woman who lost her baby, which was really apparently a baby

who had to live in an insane asylum, which is fucking so unconscionably stupid, had said that it was Ms. Nina, Lucy's friend, yeah. So they go in these tunnels under the cemetery. Yeah, fucking Lawrence Olivia is just like, yeah, I'm gonna dip down there and see what's what. I'm 71 fucking years old.

There are so many rats. So many rats. But I love the look of this too, because there's just like piles of human bones. Yeah, why? That have just fallen out of the cemetery. Fallen out of, yeah. And I thought that was really nifty.

That is nifty. I liked it. And then Mina shows up and she's like, Papa! And she looks like she's about to drop like the best dungeon synth record you've heard this year. She looks great actually, until she gets too close. Yeah, once you can see the oatmeal,

but her eyes are like blacked and then there's like, she has red lenses in her eyes. Yeah, it looks so good. And I was like, oh, that's all practical and I bet those fucking hurt like hell. I bet she's so miserable right now. Because later Lucy has them and then immediately like they're taken out

and she's just laying there and tears are pouring out of her eyes. And I know she's supposed to be sad for Dracula, but I bet her eyes were just tearing up anyway. Also, I bet they only had one pair and she had to share them with that other actress, which is unsanitary. Pink eye for everyone. In this scene, I really hoped that Mina was going to kill Donald Pleasance. She does not.

She does not. Donald Pleasance kicks her fucking ass. Yeah. She gets burned with the crucifix and then her dad stakes her. Yeah. And then weeps, which kind of got me. Yeah, Olivia's a great actor. Yeah. Well, I guess so. So I've heard. I'm too young to have seen any of his work. Relax.

None of it survived to this age. Relax. I've not seen a lot of things for a person who does a movie podcast. No, we play that game where I'm like, have you? No, I know the answer to this one. Oh man. Um, but now Lucy has a bite. Yeah. And she needs blood because we get this, well, we get this cool scene of them, exchanging their blood valves with each other. Yes, right. With like a laser light show and smoke show behind them.

It's very, the red lights, they're definitely fucking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're like, they're filmed, so like the camera was sideways, so it looks like they're laying down the entire time. Even though her hair is perfectly coming down, like gravity wouldn't do it. No, what's good this now? Gravity. I've not heard of this. Gravitas? entire time, even though her hair is perfectly coming down, like gravity wouldn't do it. No, what's good now? Gravity.

I've not heard of this. Gravitas? But I like the way this looked. I thought it was very stylish. Oh, yeah. And like he cuts his chest, and she's like, I don't mind if I do. I am a little hungry for the blood.

I just imagine being in a situation where like, your lover is like, hey, you want to drink this chest blood? And like, huh? I'm actually good, thanks so much. I think I'm fine. I had a seitan cheesesteak earlier. Yeah, it's just not gonna mix. I'm a vegetarian.

I feel like your blood would just take it over the top. Why is Dr. Seward's assistant wearing fingerless gloves? Can you riddle me this? Oh, he's a weightlifter. Okay, got it. I don't know, isn't that like, just some like, Dickensian shit if everybody had a fingerless glove. Oh no, I don't know.

So, Jonathan Harker's getting his blood taken. And Van Helsing is stomping around the room with a bunch of heads of garlic. And Harker's like, oh, I hate it, I hate it. It's making me feel bad. And I was like, you don't like garlic, you fucking pussy? Only pussies. It gives me the farts.

Only pussies don't like garlic. If you're out there and you don't like garlic, you're a pussy. Werewolf ambulance, If you don't guard pussies and vampires, they only do people who don't like. And not all pussies are vampires. Not all pussies are vampires. And not all vampires are pussies. They all don't like garlic. Yeah. That's the Venn diagram. What are we talking about? No idea. Although not all gar- not all vampires don't like garlic as the laws boys taught us.

That's right. He liked garlic. He liked garlic. How could that be? Uh, cause they were fucking around with the lore a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And they were in those dangly earrings. Yeah. And looking real sassy. You love that Kiefer's other one. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, so, uh, now Van Helsing is in his room and Dracula rolls in. It's really mad at the mirror and just like throw something at it and breaks it. And you're like, you're such a piece of shit. Cause Van Helsing was like, so I didn't hear you come in, but I was staring at this mirror the whole time and I saw the doors open.

I didn't see you and I know what that means. And Franklin Angel is like, huh, huh, huh? And he goes, I didn't like mirrors. The man's vanity. And Drew Van Helsing says something like, you're a really weird guy. For 500 years, everyone who has crossed my path has died. Some not pleasantly. Dude, him dropping the, I'm not a fucking vampire, like just like,

like, Oh, you, you know, it on a reflection anyway. So I'm a 500 fucking year old vampire and I'm a bust your ass. He broke that mirror for no reason. No reason. Cause also Dr. Seward sucks. Break his mirrors, break his shit, break everything he owns. He's. Because also Dr. Seward sucks. Break his mirrors. Break his shit. Break everything he owns. He's a piece of shit. Just pretend that it's a party. You're like 22.

You don't know the people who live there, but that guy said something rude to you. Oh, you're going to bust it up. So now you have filled his toilet with paper towels, and you have taken an upper decker. Have you ever actually left an upper decker? Me either. I'm not a monster. I think about it still as an adult. and you have taken an upper decker. If you ever actually left an upper decker, me either.

I'm not a monster. I think about it still as an adult. Who would suspect me? You're like that high school principal that was shitting on the football field. Yes, I'm just gonna go to like South Oakland, I'm gonna walk around until I find a college party. I'm gonna pretend I'm 22,

and I'm gonna leave an upper decker, and I'm gonna get the fuck out of there. If I walk into a college party. I'm gonna pretend I'm 22, and I'm gonna leave an upper decker, and I'm gonna get the fuck out of there. If I walk into a college party, I have to go, have you seen my daughter? Because no one's gonna understand why I'm there otherwise. Hi, I'm an undercover cop. Hello, fellow teens. I'm Santa Claus.

I was thinking today about that kid who said hey Santa, put me on the nice list. That's such a good bust. Fucking kid, that kid who said, Hey, Santa put me on the nice list. That's such a good bus kid. That kid fucking destroyed me and it was so good. But also being called Santa isn't the worst thing in the world. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. But it was like, Oh kid, you're so fucking good. So smart. You're gonna get that kid on the show. Maybe he wants a guest spot. Oh man. So now we're, we're, we're, he tries to put the dozer on Van Helsing and Van Helsing's too,

he's like, Oh, your will is too strong. Right. Yes. And then he tries to put it on sewer and he's like, you're too drunk. Your eyes are already unfocused and it looks like he, they're going to kiss each other, but instead he gives them the cross, you know? Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to take out her heart. So they're going to do a little operation on Lucy to stop her from being a vampire.

Right. They dig her up and they're going to pull her old. Mina, Mina, Mina. Sorry. See, because it's all fucked up. Because the lore is such. Why? Why would you do this?

You can't just switch it midstream. Not even midstream. This is the end of the dribble. I don't know what that means, but I believe you. So yeah, they're gonna dig her up and they're gonna take out her heart and Lucy is watching this happen. Right, and then she makes a run for it. Yeah.

They do the whole like no reflection with her either. And then her dad cuts out her heart. And her dad and her friend's boyfriend throws up. So weird. Who's zooming who? I don't even know who's boyfriend anybody is anymore. So she makes her run for it in a horse drawn carriage, but they have a fucking car.

Yeah. And the horse didn't care that she's a vampire. No, it does because it takes off running. She wanted it to take off running because she's doing like a whole, but Danny, I love him. Except that her dad is kind of indifferent to what happens to her. The only people that care are Jonathan Harker

and, for some reason, Dr. Van Helsing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he's been insulted by the beer-breaking vampire. Oh, right, gotcha. Also killed his daughter. Dr. Van Helsing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause he's been insulted by the beer breaking vampire. Oh, right. Gotcha. Also killed his daughter. Yeah. Um, so they eventually get her out of the carriage, right? Um, yeah. And they hold her down to stop her from going to him. And Van Helsing, as you can, I don't know if you, here's a pro tip. I don't know if you have any women in your life, but if they're like freaking

out, you just rub their temples and they'll go to sleep like a rub in a crocodile's belly. It's like when you get your hair cut and they wash your hair, I'm out. I'm out like a fucking light. Is that true? No, sir. How weird would that be? You just wake up with the wild ass Franklin Jell-O haircut. They're like,

I don't know. You went to sleep. I did whatever I wanted. You said I could. What did I? These rubber temples. And she goes to sleep and I was like, Oh women. Unbelievable. So Jonathan and Van Helsing to go whoop that ass while a useless Seward is going to take her somewhere. Just fucking get drunk probably. Oh my God. But I did like the scene because they go into the castle and they go to destroy

his, his sleeping grounds, right? His, his dirt in his boxes. Yes. And this looked very much like the Lugosi Dracula. Yes, very much like the Legosi Dracula. Yes, very much. The opening where the little bee is in a little coffin. I want that movie. I want the little bee vampire movie. Little bee vampire. We shouldn't make that. Let's crowdsource that.

Crowdfund? Crowdfund source? Yeah, Kickstarter. What is the phrase I'm trying to say? Crowdsource? Crowdfund? Is that a word? Both work. Okay.

Yeah. I don't know why I'm getting so scared. I don't know, it's like Pontypool over here. Ah. You just keep saying a word till it doesn't have meaning anymore. Yeah. I forgot about that movie, actually.

It's a good movie. It was all right. I like that movie. I'm fine. It's like, but what if words were Zambies? Yeah, when you put it like that. Oh, so they're like down in his catacombs and they're going to bust up his dirt, but then Dracula's going to bust their asses and he sets

across on fire. Uh, no burning crosses, please. Makes me uncomfortable. He turns to the camera and he goes, not like that. Not like that. It's a different kind of burning cross. And then Jonathan Harger gets a bat to the face, which I'm in love with because fuck him. I love that his bat transformation is just raising his arms and his cape is daddy. And then all of a sudden he's a bat. I love that. Not a lot of money for that kind of effect, you know? Did you watch what we do in the shadows? Yes, I did. Bat!

Bat. How else would I know about your Arizona? Or whatever it is that you like to say. New York City. There you go. Jackie, Jackie Daytona. Jackie Daytona. That's how we talk in Arizona.

Arizona. Fucking national treasure. Yeah. Not our nation. The world is a nation. World is, you know, think globally, act locally. Exactly. Visualize world peace. Has it happened yet? Nope. Keep thinking about it. So the bat is attacking and the professor is like, Jonathan Harker has a fucking bat on his face biting him. He doesn't do anything with his hands.

He's not using his hands. He's basically going, calling out for help. He's like Dr. Van Helsing, help me. It's touching me. It's on my face. It's on my face. It's touching my mustache. And Van Helsing is spending 20, 35 minutes knocking down a post to let some sunlight in to burn the Dracula. Right. Which doesn't work.

Well, it makes the Dracula get off his face. It's true. It doesn't make the Dracula get off his face. And then we get a scene where Mina or Lucy is questioning what they did to Mina to Jonathan. What did you do to Mina? What did you do to Mina, Jonathan? I don't remember that. I took out her heart. We took her heart out. Yes. Yes, I do remember that. Yeah. And then her eyes look cool and Harker sucks. So like, let's do this.

And then there's, I forgot to mention that every time a woman is having some sort of affliction, she just goes and forgive me for this. Ah, ah, ah. I can't make eye contact with you when you're making that sound. Sexy noise. Yeah, yeah.

That's what I sound like when I have the flu. So flu horny. But I do like the red eyes a lot when she, when she turns into a Draco. I can't make that sound or someone will make it into a ring tone. I defy you to make me making those noises a ring tone. How much is going to do it. Check our discord like next week it'll be there.

So Renfield's back in the asylum because I forgot all about him. He serves no purpose. He what? Serves no purpose. What he's there to eat bugs? Yeah. You need a bug eater.

I feel like they were just like, we have to include this character. Yeah. Yeah. Classic. And Dracula goes to see him and Redfield's like, no, I did everything you wanted. And he's like, mm, you failed me.

Yeah, but how? Cause you got in trouble for attacking Jonathan Harker. Who wouldn't attack Jonathan Harker? He fucking sucks. And Dracula putties the fuck out of his neck. Yeah. It turns him 180 degrees. A whole head full of putty.

It's pretty fun. Yeah. Hello. I thought it looked great for head full of putty. It's pretty fun. Yeah. I thought it looked great for the time period. Yeah, I said, whoa. And he's just... So Lucy is locked up in the sanitarium because Zuer didn't know what else to do with her. He's like, this is where I come to eat.

What else am I gonna do with her? Yes, so they go into her room and there's a goddamn hole in the wall to the outside and she's riding on Dracula's back like a dolphin encounter at Universal Studios or wherever. Whilst he climbs up or down the wall, we're not sure. It doesn't matter. He's just climbing. She was awake on his back and then we see him running across the countryside carrying her. And then in the next scene, She was awake on his back and then we see him running across the countryside carrying

her and then in the next scene she's awake and holding his hand and running out. Did she just get tired for a little bit there? Just a quick little napper? She turned into Ariana Grande briefly. What? Don't you remember another insane factoid that's stuck in my brain? Okay. There was a period of time where Ariana Grande didn't walk anywhere. Her security detail carried her everywhere.

That's insane. I kind of love it. Just like everywhere? There were all these pictures of her being carried around by her security detail. Even in her house, do you think? She's like, I got to go to the bathroom. And they were like, fuck, you just went. But she's also like three apples high. So it was just like, get in my pocket.

Look, carrying a baby all the time fucking sucks too. I'm just saying. And also at this point, maybe just let these two be together. Why are you breaking up their love? Yeah, this is a movie about a guy who can't get over a relationship. Yes, it's a bad breakup for him for sure. But like, get over it dude.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So there's this big long scene, like chase scene of they're trying to get to the docks before Dracula and Lucy. And how are Dracula and Lucy getting there, running? Yeah, running. Okay, we're told it's 10 miles.

This is the entire basis of Twilight right here. Oh my god, you're right. Just put your girlfriend on your back and run. Run. You're right. You're right. Because you can also come out the daytime. It just has to be a little dark wherever it is.

Exactly. Exactly. And they get to the, our fellas get to the dock, and they're like, Hey, have you seen Dracula? Wait, not before they get into like a fight of a game of chicken where the guy and a horse run carriage who won't pull over or can't pull over. And then he like gets thrown from the carriage and they wreck their car to not hit him. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, isn't that when they get Lucy out of the car? I don't know. I'm at the end of my notes. No, you're right. You're right. I thought

so. I didn't think so. Oh, that's right. Cause then the horses keep going and they take Lucy to, I don't know. No, they don't take anybody anywhere. The whole thing is just a thing to have horses run fast in a moving car wreck. Yeah. They're like, it's 10 miles away. These dicks can not run that far. No, no. But they get on like a wagon that comes by. Gotcha.

And by the time they get to the port, the ship that they're trying to stop is already out of port. Yeah. And Harker and Van Helsing get out to the ship because once again, they're like, hey, Rummy, you stay back here. We'll run out there. Look, you in case they're not on the boat or in case you drown,

cause you just stay right here. Fucking waterlogged. I know it's your daughter and all, but I think I'll just handle this. Okay. Is it who can say at this point? Who can say at this point they get on the boat, they find a casket. They open it up. They're snuggled. Those little sleeping snuzzlers. I mean, maybe they're happy in this casket on the boat.

He's way more exciting than Harker. He speaks to her really kindly. He wants to carry on his line of like creatures with her. But isn't one of like the sort of subtle themes of the Dracula tale xenophobia, like this foreigner is coming to take my girlfriend away. That's like my friend who always believed that Russian women were here to take our men. Did I ever tell you that? Forget it. You have to tell me off the air. Then I need you to leave that in.

So there's a fight with Lucy and then Dracula stakes Van Helsing and then, but Dracula or Van Helsing like subtly hooks Dracula in the back. He stakes Van Helsing to the wall. Yeah. Yeah. And then Van Helsing like swings a hook. You can't say to the wall. To the windows. Well, I bet they were sweating in this fight. To the window, to the walls. Wow. You know what you should really do?

You should really make a record of 2000s pop hip hop in the voice of Dracula. Why have you not? We'll call it Rapula. Jing, yang, lo, is it swinging through and fro? That's not what I mean. Rapula? Does Rapula exist? Probably, huh?

Rapula. Count Rapula? Does Rapula exist? Probably, huh? Rapula. Count Rapula. Oh, it's from what we do in the shadows. Never mind. Isn't that the one guy that they turn? Yeah. Fuck, I thought I had a good joke. I was really proud of myself. Goddamn Kiwis beat you to it. Yeah. So he's got a hook in the back. Yeah. And they pull the rope, send him up into the sunlight.

Yeah. And then he's like, ah, ah, ah. He can chew a fucking zine. He's chewing the shit out of the zine. There's so much thrashing. Yeah. And his face is all oatmeal-y. And he gets old.

Why does he get old? Because he gets burned. How'd he get burned? How'd he get burned? How'd he get burned? I like how get burned? How'd he get burned? I like how he's really peely. Yeah. Yeah.

He needs a better SPF. And then he flies away and as Missy said, I like to think that it's just a bat inside that cape flying away. Oh, I thought it was a bat. But it's like it's his full cape and then there's like, but it's also flapping at the same time. Weird. And Lucy just looks up and smiles at it. Last notice, Lucy likey.

Yeah. Alan. 1979 Franklin Jell-O Dracula. What'd you think? I hated it. What about you? It was a little slow, a little boring. Yeah.

A little too Harley Quinn romance for me. Yeah. I thought Franklin Jell-O was great in it. Yeah, I did too. I really enjoyed him. I'm always here for a Donald Pleasance. What an idiot. Laurence Olivier, I was like, you're,

what are you doing here, sir? You are a sir, I believe, what are you doing in this movie? He probably had some medical bills to pay or something. I love the idea of like, it's a woman's name. Who gives a shit? I would just, oopsies, one woman for another. It's not like this is a piece of classic literature or anything.

So many people hate that book. I enjoy the book that I can, Alan. You can. It's not like two and a half hours. No. Lies. And you get to see Anthony Hopkins hopping up and down and goes, she's the devil's concubine. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don, Alan. Yeah, you can. It's not like two and a half hours. No. Lies. And you get to see Anthony Hopkins hopping up and down and goes, she's the devil's concubine. Yeah. This movie had a real dearth of getting bitten in the dick too. Hell yeah. I know Monica Bellucci biting anybody in the dick.

What a beautiful woman. Oh my God. I was somehow, I saw pictures of young Monica Bellucci the other day. Somehow. They just like popped up on my, I had my computer. I don't, I didn't, I wasn't looking on images.google.com, safe search off for young Monica Bellucci. No, tell me more. Jesus Christ. Jesus fucking Christ. I mean any age, Monica Bellucci,

Bellucci, the Bellucci. That's what I call her. This movie is a solid three. Two. Okay. All right. I fucking hated it. Katie. Alan. We got a message from a listener. Oh great. This is from just wanted to say thanks for making me laugh. Sure. I'm a teacher and the night house teacher ick is right on. I too have had my share of hunters. If you remember, there were three hunters in our class. However, I do have dual sinks in my bathroom, so I guess I'm okay. You rich bitch.

It's not uncommon. Are you putting that on a teacher's salary? It's not uncommon in track houses in California built in the 1970s onward. Really? Interesting. Thank you for letting me know. Anyways, love your show and your friendship and I appreciate you. And it's signed to Addie. So I'll take out the. Thank you, Addie. I guess I shouldn't base everything on the fact that all of our houses were

built 130 years ago. Yeah. Maybe they didn't have two sinks back then. I think maybe on the discord, someone was like, wait, don't they have a sink by your Pittsburgh toilets? And it's like, yeah, that's not the same. That's not the same. No, I have two. I mean, I have a kitchen sink and a bathroom sink. I'm not bragging about it. There's also a laundry tub. What do you want to come over and look at it? Sometimes I use the laundry tub as a toilet if I really have to

put your glasses back on. You're telling me you've never pissed in your laundry tub. I'm gonna piss in your laundry tub tonight. I gotta go pretty bad. Katie. Alan. What are we gonna do next week? Oh, another of your choices.

This is a Wes Craven joint, yeah? It is from 1989. It's called Shocker. Shocker. I was told it involved Mitch Pileggi. It stars Mitch Pileggi. I like really had a thing for Walter Skinner. I don't know why.

God, you just- It's a weird dad thing. You've always just had a weird dad thing. I know, I just wanna fuck weird dads, I guess. Is that okay? I'm okay, right? Yeah. I don't have daddy issues. Who I guess. Is that okay? Okay. Right. Daddy issues.

I told you my Mitch Pelagi story from when he hosted that TV show that divulged magicians tricks. I don't know. Tell me again. It's another one of my possible Kelly Ripper. I made this up and then pretended that it was real. That's a big slit. That's a big slit. I swear to Christ, he couldn't have said it. I had to have made this up. Okay. Okay. I am such an unreliable fucking. Cause the problem is you believe it all. There was the sword through the box, stabbing the lady trick. Sure.

And I swear to Christ, he said I'd stick my sword in her box. No, Alan, he didn't. Or did he? When was it? The 90s? It was the 90s. He mighta, he mighta. Yeah, Pileggs.

Balooch. So come back next week for Shocker. I have never seen this movie, which is Bananas, because it had like a great metal soundtrack and it's 1989 1989 Wes Craven, oh fuck, it's gonna be really bad. It's gonna be grand. You've never heard of it either No, as soon as you said that I was like this is made up This is a joke that you're doing. This is a bit that we're gonna do. No, no, it's not So come back for that go to T public If you want to buy any of our merch. Yeah.

If you want to support us monetarily, you can do that at patreon.com backslash oral ambulance. You get a lot of action movies we've done like final 50. Yeah. And we're going to do our master the universe next month, whether you like it or not. Did you put up the voter? You're just, wow, fixes it. It fixes it. It fixes it. Just need a little more more Frank Langella. Just, just a frisson.

You don't even get to see his face, but he chews this movie. Frankie Langell's. What was he going to say? Oh, P.O. Box five seven, five, four, seven, one. Oh, what was it going to say? Oh, P.O. Box 5471. P.O. Box 5471, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, 15206. You can leave us a voicemail at 412-407-7025. I'm glad we both have our number things that we remember. Yes. Very good for me and for you. And... That's it.

And... Thanks for listening to another episode of Werewolf Amulance. Bye. Empty. Clear. Again, I can't believe we're doing this again. You wanted it back. I did. Now I don't.

But I still do. Balooch! Many acts aint on dead pools, some many sightings at the pool, nowhere to wait, Finland's's keep on film reviews Give it loud and let the face Kill him and then have his face Appearance I've passed the encase Please make eye-content, you're brave EMT Morrow and comedy reviews Hungry Brian from Wings and Stephen Payne

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