Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - Episode 62- Darkness Falls (2003)

Episode Date: December 28, 2015

You guys, 2015 was an amazing year. We had a great time doing this podcast and interacting with all of you and building our little Werewolf Ambulance community. That's why it's super weird that, conversely, we decided to cap off this wonderful year with one of the worst stinkers that has ever crossed our path: the 2003 supernatural horror film "Darkness Falls."  Special topics for your consideration include: whether or not we are actually sorry for having you watch this movie, a review of our notes which primarily read "this is so dumb," saying people's names over and over and over, a little Kurt Russell sidebar, the phrase "tooth fairy super strong Duane 'the Rock' Johnson" and a long discussion of teeth, losing teeth and being compensated for losing teeth. Have you seen this one? Are you mad at us? Please say you're not mad at us. Let us know at facebook.com/werewolfambulance, on Instagram @werewolfambulance or on Twitter @werebulance. Also, please feel free to suggest movies for us to cover! We always love to hear from you. Please also give our sponsor cryptocurium.com some love by checking out the Parcel of Terror on their site.  Happy new year, EMTs! May 2016 bring you way better movies than this one. Werewolf Ambulance is a horror movie comedy podcast. 

Hello and welcome to another episode of WhereWulf Ambulance. I'm here with my friend Alan. Hey, Alene. Hey, Katie. How are you? I got a flu shot yesterday, so I'm a little dragon today. Oh, no. And I've also seen the fucking worst movie. Hey, tha'n'er. Maybe ever. That's how we're going to close, 2015. I'm a little dragon today. I'm going tooday. Oh no. And I have also seen the fucking worst movie. Maybe ever. That's how we're gonna close 2015. With a real fucking dud. Spoiler alert, this movie's a turd. I am sorry if you watched it. You know we shouldn't be. I watched it. You had to watch it. Share our pain, wherewool of EMTs. It's really bad. Like I guess we're not even gonna try to, I mean, I mean, I th. I to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to close I to close I to close I to close to close to close to close I to close to close to close to close to close to close to close their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their their to close. I to close. I was to close. I was to close I was to close I was to close I watch. I watch. I watch. I watch. I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch. I watch I watch it. I watch it. I watch it. I watch. I watch. I watch I watch. I watch it. I watch. I watch I watch it. I watch I watch it. I watch it. I watch it. I watch it. I watch I watch it. I watch I watch it. I watch it. I watch it. Share our pain, werewolf EMTs. It's really bad. Like I guess we're not even going to try to, I mean, it's really, it's abysmal. So it starts off like... This movie's called

Darkness Falls from 2003. It's on Netflix. It's fucking bad. It's real fucking bad. I'm mad. It doesn't start off awful. No, no, no, I think the opening is okay. Yeah, the opening is like the backstory of a middling supernatural episode. A lot of this felt like a supernatural episode. Right. So there was a woman named Matilda who got burned in a fire? Yeah. She used to give the kids money a gold coin for their teeth and the 18-something or. I don't know. She was a pirate. Why else would she have gold? That's fine. That's really fine. Something happened to kids, they died maybe? She was spread up in a fire and turned into pigmalion. And so they're referencing that. And then...

The mask looked kind of cool. The porcelain mask. I like it. I think we've talked about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about about the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the porcelain mask. I like, I think we've talked about this, like that sort of featureless face is scary and good and fine, whatever. After she was burnt, she wore the porcelain mask and then everybody in the village decided she was responsible for the two kids going missing. They went missing, that's right, they like burner at the stakeay. What are you doing later? It's 430. We have a half an hour left. Oh and this is a town called darkness falls fucking worse. No town anywhere is named that ever. Also no editor to go ah Bob could you uh I don't know maybe call it like I don't know shit falls and then later people call it darkness fall like and where the lady the light house. Because she lived by the light house. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I th. I the the the th. I the the the the the th. I the the th. I th. I the th. I the th. I th. I the th. I th. I th. I the thirty. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. I th. I th. It's th. I th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's. It's the the th. It's th. th. the th. th. the th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. people call it darkness fault. Like, and where the lady live was called Lighthouse Point because she lived by the lighthouse. Like it's just, the writing is so bad.

It's, we will get into that. Yeah. Okay, so the opening continues to be, okay. There's a kid who's like lost his last tooth, which I was like, this kid is way too old for that. But then I googled it and it and it and it and, which is pretty much his age. Okay, fine. That's the folklore is that after she was burned at the stake, she cursed the town and when a child loses their final tooth, the final baby tooth, she comes to them. And if they look her in the face, she kills them. Why? Because th. Because, th. Because, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, the, th, th, th, their their their their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the, the, to to to to to to too, too, too, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, is their, note says, this is some Bush League bullshit. Yeah, it really is. It really is. It really is. You know what else?

Like, this is largely irrelevant to my criticism of the movie, which is vast and comprehensive. Baby teeth? The baby teeth process is like the grossest of nature's wonders. I was going to ask you if you miss that, because I totally miss it. You miss losing teeth. You miss losing teeth. No, no, I don't miss losing teeth. I miss losing a tooth knowing there's a buddy coming right up behind it.

I think I always, as a warrior from a whole life like three or four and I fell and shipped my front tooth and it was like so fucked they just pulled it. Oh wow. But it was a baby tooth but the adult tooth wasn't ready to come in so I was missing that front tooth for like fucking years. You must have been adorable. Uh, no. I was never a cute kid. It's why I was so funny'll show you photos. I just want to hit on this really well is that I miss that feeling like I don't want to regain it because there's not a backup tooth but I miss that feeling of being able to loosen that tooth until it's just about ready to pop and then just rocking that for like three days. That's nauseating. real people. How many sets of teeth do sharks have? They have like two or three rows.

Whoa. Yeah. I can't believe I didn't learn that from the documentary of the last shark that we did several months ago. That means they would have had to have bestowed any information on you. They just the people's names they keep saying each other's names over and over and over it's like Kyle Michael, Larry Larry, Larry, Michael, Michael, Michael, Michael, Kyle just that's the entire I just I'm gonna get in trouble because that was probably copyright the script So this kid's losing his tooth and his the the script, the the the th, th, the th, th, th, th, the th, their, th, th, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th, their, th, their, their, literally, literally, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th, th, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th. thi, thi, their thi, their their thi, their the, their the. their theeeeat, their their their their their, their, their, their, their, the's the entire, I just, I'm gonna get in trouble because that was probably copyright the script.

So this kid's losing his tooth and his not girlfriend, girlfriend shows up, just walks in his window and kisses him after he loses his goddamn tou. There's blood. There's blood in his mouth. Don't kiss that blood mouth. He's also at a weird age of like sneaking out for coed swimming and losing a tooth. I find that very like, like, like, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, that, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, th, th. And, th. And, th. And, th. And, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi's thi's not thi's not too. thi's not thi's not thi's not thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, thi. I find that very like just, ugh. I had seen this movie when shortly after it first came out because my roommate had mixed it up somehow with 28 days later. And she's like, I heard this movie's really good we should rent it and I was like totally. And I remember the opening being like sort of scary and then it's just going to shit. Yeah, but this time not so much. No you already knew the shit was coming. I was. I I I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, th, th, th, I, th, th, I, th, th, th. I, th. I, th. I, thi, th. I, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, thi, thi, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. th. th. I was, th. th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I was, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I, th. I was th. I was th. I was th. I'm thi. I'm thi. that, theeat, theateateateateateateateatea. And, thateateate. And, that, that, that, that, that so much. No, you already knew the shit was coming. I saw this in the theater. Oh, did you? Yes, I thought a theatrical release of this film.

Wow. And as soon as it was done, I walked into gangs of New York and watch that entire three-hour movie because I needed to wipe my brain clean. So the kid loses his t legend. This is the thing that he knows. He hears the tooth fairy come in and he looks. There's like a probably the only scaryish scene in the movie is like he has the sheet over his face in his bed and he pulls it down and her face is right there. All right. I will accept this. Also dick move tooth fairy, like give him a chance. Yeah. Well like why? Why? Why? Why? Why don't why? Why? Why? Why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? I I I I I I? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? Why, why? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? Why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why, why? I? I? I? I? I? I? I? I her motivation. I really wish she had screamed something like no see me or no peaking. No peaking.

But she also can only exist in the darkness, which is a totally separate issue. And I forgot to mention the other line of the movie, which is stay in the light. Stay in the light. Come on! She can only exist in the darkness except for the 80% of the time it doesn't. So that's fine. I don't think I've wanted to punch a movie this hard since go ship. Yeah, I'm sorry. This was one of the first times I've ever considered actually not finishing the movie.

And just being like, you know what, I didn't see the last 20 minutes. I don't know what happens. And you made it through kill list was at least engaging. This is just like, I kept checking the time stamp to be like, how much is left? This has been on for like eight hours. It's an hour and 25 minutes long. I know, it's literally just what it needs to be in a theatrical release. All right, so fast forward. All right, so fast forward.

Wait, oh, the the bathtub. Oh, quick note about the bathtub. There's a teenage mutant Ninja Turtle figure in the bathtub. Director of this movie had directed the latest Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie. That was not a well received movie, correct? Mm-mm. Well, at least he's still doing it. I haven't seen it. Yeah, why would I see it? It's a Megan Fox vehicle, so I'm assuming. It's, it's great. Although I did think we should do Jennifer's body at some point on this. Sure. My old band, Yukiya that I was in with Carrie from the Gun Monser of Indian Flads episode used to cover Jennifer's body when we didn't have enough songs to play a whole set. With a whole number. Yeah. It's a good song. Yeah, it's a good song. Yeah. Yeah, it's. Yeah. that's. that's. that's. that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that I that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's that's the the the the the the the the the the the the old the old the old the old the old the old tha. the old tha. tha. tha. tha. tha tha tha thneckeded. I have a note that says, how can he not peak when she's making all this fucking noise? Because she's just clattering around his house, like, I would look too, you know? Screaming like a ringwraith from Lord of the Rings.

Yeah. There's that scene that should have been cool but didn't work of her like hovering outside the bathroom like up on the wall. and it and it and it and it and it and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, and it, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, to. th. to. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. note I have just says how does anyone buy this? I don't think anyone did. And then I'm surprised this doesn't happen more often because you think a lot of kids would look at that clattering monster you know it'd be hard not to look to look at. She is not going easy on these kids. No so twelve years past. their twelve years past. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thiiiiiiiii. thi. they's thi's thi's thi's thi. thi thi's thi's thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I'm thi, I thi, I thi, thi, thi, I thi, I thi, I thi, I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I's th. I's th. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm thi. I'm th Caitlin goes from 12 to 36. They're all so old now. Like, assuming they were 12 or 13 when this happened, they should be 24 or 25 now. They are not 24 or 25.

The actor who is now Kyle, the 45 year old Kyle, is he Nayan Nennelts is he Namus Nain? I was going to call him Brian Brennalds. He's a shit ass Ryod Reynolds. Yeah, and that's something. He's very deep forehead wrinkles. I found him distressing. I do feel bad because he has passed away, but yeah, he's, uh. That guy's dead. Yeah, he died of sleep apnea. That's horrible. Yeah. That's horrible. This movie makes me feel like I could be an actor. The acting in this movie makes me like, I could do that. You know, it's bad. What's the girlfriend's name? Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin, hey Caitlin. Hey Caitlin is in a,

she was like on Buffy and she's been on some other stuff. She's not the worst. She seemed bad to me. I think it was what she had to deal with. It was like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, the, they, th, th, th, th, th, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the thi, thi, thi, thi, that, that, that, that, that, they, they, they, the, they, the they, the the the theto deal with. Yeah. It was like, yeah. We're not good. It was. So, Caitlin contacts Kyle because her little brother is afraid of the light. Is that what it is? Yeah, it seems he has nicotophobia.

Okay. As they tell us right out the bat. So she calls him, but how does she know that he also has a fear of the dark? He's been in an institution. And he's been in an institution, I guess? Yeah, he was in an institution until he like, yeah, he got adoption of foster care. They have not spoken in these 12 years. But she never gave up her love for him, which is just patently absurd.

Yeah, she just calls him up, you're sure hard to reach. Well, then how do you know, like, you're right. Her little brother, Michael is afraid of the tooth fairy. Michael, Michael, Michael, hey Michael, get Michael. We gotta go to Michael. Also, he's like, I don't know, six. He's losing his last tooth. That is not how this, like, it's, you cannot, you cannot put the six-year-old and the 13-year-old

in the same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same same medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical medical level of medical change, I don't know. I'm rending my garments. Can't or did Katie? Oh my God. Like what are they? It's like in this movie time is no consideration. No, not at all. Like what are they playing at? I, ugh. So I- And Larry is 40. I'm sorry. And he's like Larry Fleischman attorney-at-law. Come the fuck on. Come on. Okay. He's from the one Jewish family in Darkness Falls. Darkness Halls at Lightning Point.

Right down there, Dickad Valley. Yeah. This is just monsters. But immediately I'm like, so she knows he has nicotophobia, even though she hasn't spoken to him in 12 years and he did not have nicotophobia prior to that. No. Does she believe that his mom was killed by the tooth fairy? Or she just doesn't believe that he killed his mom?

Because later she's like, oh I don't believe in all that tooth fairy? I'm like, why the f-I th.. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. that, that, th. th. th. th. thi. thi, th. th. th. th. thi, thi, thi, thi, thi, th. th. th. I's is th. I's is th. I's is, th. I's is, th. I's is, th. I's is, th. I's is, th. I's is. I's is. I's is. I's is. I's is. I's is. I's. I's. I's. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th well, then why the fuck did you call this, dude? I have no idea. And to be frank with you, I did not think about it. So, wait, am I having a Katie moment where I'm trying to rationalize the shuddy, shuddy, shitty movie? Yeah, I mean, I was, I am, I had you were just watching this movie with B-da-dum, boom, b-da-dum, Pretty much. Then I threw a toaster in the bathtub. It was just at the peak. No, I don't know.

There's just, nothing in this movie makes any fucking sense. Larry takes Kyle to a bar, and it's like a biker and Larry is a that go there? That's not right. And there's a sea where a woman gets a beer thrown on her shirt and she just turns the camera and wipes her breast down. I didn't even notice that. But then later the guy who picks a fight with Kyle just just throwes a beer on his shirt. I. I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. That's th. T the is the. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. T. That's th th th th th th th th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th is th. That's th. That's th. That's the is the is the. That's the. That's the. That's like the. the. the. the. the. the. thee. the. the. the. It's the. That's the. That's Darkness Falls. The light's throwing in someone's face. The guy who wants to fight Kyle. So Larry Fleshman attorney at law goes up to the bar and says, do you reckon that guy over there?

It's Kyle who, you know, his mom's dead, murmur. And they instantly enrages this biker dude. to just like, what are you doing here? Ask Kyle that. But he knows that his girlfriend called and asked him to come. Because when he shows up, she's like, oh my God, you came. I'm so glad you came. Larry was like, oh, I can't believe you actually came. Don't ask him what he's doing there. She asked him to come. You knew that. You were there! You were just there two seas ago! I'm sorry. Larry has feelings for Caitlin.

He... I thought they were together. I think they're together? Well, his feelings have been justified. Yeah, yeah, I think that's his girlfriend. But she's in me like, mmm, Naya Nettled is back, let's do this. I'm going to get all like, tussled down the side of a hill in the woods. Kyle takes off running, the Tooth Fairy comes for no fucking reason and kills this biker dude.

Why does the Tooth Fairy do that? I don't know. I know you said it was for no fucking reason. Because later on the movie, she's shocked, oh, it's you. I've just been hanging out here this whole fucking time, even though I killed your mom as Pearl Legend. I've just, for no reason on this night, decided to start killing everybody. And in that scene, the cops come, there's a cop, Matt, we hear Matt's name a lot too. Matt, look at Matt, look at Matt. And Larry's like, I'm saying, Larry's like, I'm th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, thi, th, I, I, th, I, th, th, th, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, decided, th, just, just, th, just, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th, th. th. th. th. L. thi, thi, thi, thi, to to to to to to to to to to to to to to thi, thi, thi, thi, decided, decided, decided, thi, and Larry goes, you got it. And I was like, you just said, you just said, what doesn't anybody read this script? Do you think they ad lib the whole thing?

I refuse to believe this was written down. The darkness falls in prop theater. No. And then Larry gets it with the dead body. Who's dead body? Kyle runs to the hospital. Caitlin is all of a sudden able to be a nurse and start picking gravel out of his head. I guess all the time she spent in the hospital made her a nurse. I even know that this is maybe get a doctor here at the medical facility.

Because why would she be performing this procedure? I also haven't known this. I don't know what that meant. Who cares? What difference does it make? And then he tells this backstory... I'm sorry, I'm just bad. I love this so much. He tells this backstory about how he was in like foster care. Do they just rehome murderous teens? Well, I mean, he wasn't convicted of a crime, right?

Who killed his mom? He did. And in the eyes of the law. the tum-in' tum- thoome thoomu thtum. thtum. thtum. thtum. thu thuuuuuuuuuuic thuic thuic thuic thu- thu- thu- thu- thu- thu thu tho- tho- tho- thu thu- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- thu- thu- thu- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho- tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s tho-s thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-s. toe. I have a note that says the eerie moaning of the tooth fairy. It sounds like my tummy when I'm grumbly. It just sounds like my tummongue. It just sounds like, we need snacks. I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to try to get this gravel out of your scalp made to be the most cohesive things said in this movie. It probably probably is is is is is probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably probably th. It probably is is is th. It probably th. It's th. It's. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. It's th. th. th. to th. thi. thi. to to to me. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm. I'm to me me. I'm to be. I'm the the the the the the the the the the the th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. th. th. th. I. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. It's. It's. th. It's. It's. th. t. t. t. to. to. te. to. to. to. to. to. the the the the th. I'm. I. I'm. Ito be the most cohesive thing said in this movie. It probably is. It probably is. And then she's like, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I think she's talking about her little brother.

Well, what you're doing wrong is like putting the tweezers into a stranger's scalp, you asshole. You didn't. You can't put ala the tasks. for murdering this guy even though he didn't. Before that we see that he has all these fucking flashlights, right? And she's like, what's with all the flashlights? What is with all the flashlights? How do you use more than two or three at once? Like, what are you doing?

You cannot hold that many? What? Feckely. Let's talk about the country. Makes sense. Oh, he lives in Las Vegas. Yeah. He has a job in Las Vegas but never says what it is. So his apartment is filled with lights. Okay. In the 12 years that he has not been murdered by the tooth fairy, like I'm fully aware that I'm lazy.

I'm giving up on that shit like you're three. I'm going to sleep in the're gonna take me. Yeah, I'm not gonna waste all those money on batteries and he's got these like dumb like gun loading scenes where he's like Unscrew in the battery throwing out the battery cartridge plugging another one in it's like that's a flashlight. You're not the rambo of flashlights my man. He kind of is this like dramatic experience now. He's like this like dramatic experience now. He's like the rambo of flashlights, he's like. He had this. He had this. He had this. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had th. He had the the th. He had the th. He had the the th. He had the th. He had th. He had th. He's like the the th. He's like the th. He's like th. He's like th. He's like th. He's like th. He's like th. He's like th. He's like th. He's like th. He's like the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the they. He's like. He's like. He's like. I's like. I's like. I'm th. I'm th. I'm like. I'm th. I'm th. I'm thrown. I'm thrown. I'm thrown. I'm thrown. I'm th. th. th.'s freaking out, building these flashlight traps. I don't know, I don't know, he's in the woods, tumbling around. He's the Rambo of Flashlights. So the beginning of the movie is Darkness Falls First Blood. Yeah. And the rest of the movie is Rambo. Somebody gets Stephen Kang on the phone because, and this movie has a magic child.

Dude King's Rimbo is going to be so good. Stephen Kang's Rimbo. So we're learning while he's in prison. When they say that he has sociopathic tendencies, and I'm like, you're either or you're not. Like you're not walking a line there, are you? I don't think so. Also, don't we all kind of have sociopathic tendencies? Isn't that what being human is? And then? the. the. the. th? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? the. And? the. th? th? th? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. thi? thi. thi? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th? th? th? th. th? th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi? thi? thi? thi? thi. theeee? thi. theeee? thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. they thi? thi? thi up to it. Also, who's a doctor here? Who here is a doctor? Answer, nobody.

So while he's in jail, the doctor for Michael decides the best way to cure this child of his nicotophobia is to put him in a sensory deprivation tank. But he's like, the alternative is that we could do medication and therapy. And his sister, I guess his guardian, Caitlin, is like, the the the their, their, their, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, the their, I, I, their, their, their, their, I's, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, their, the best, their, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, the best, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is, is the best.c.c. the best.c.c.c. the best the best the best the best way.c.c.c.c.c. the best. the best. the best not doing that. Like, that is clearly the right thing to do. If you're in charge of a child and your choices are, put them in a sensory deprivation chamber or medication and therapy, in what world do you select the chamber? In what world? I couldn't, I am astounded.

A studio was like, let's make this movie. Let's make it. Altered states are really well? You thought in a movie theater. I gave this movie money. You gave this movie money. I rented it on on-demand when it was first out, thinking it was 28 days later. The movies aren't even close in their titles. I know, I don't know what her confusion was. I will get yelled at now, but I really want to do a sensory deprivation tank.

Why? I don't know, I think it would just mean need to do it. Apparently after you're in there for a while, you do like your brain just starts whacking out and doing it. That's not, you could just do acid too. a sensory deprivation tank. I don't understand you at all. I don't understand anything today. Is that a thing you can do like recreationally? Can you? Yeah, you can, yeah, you can rent-time? That seems like a literal nightmare to me. So she's trying to get them not to put in the sensory deprivation tank. Larry shows up and gets Kyle out of jail. thiolk. Oh right. thi. thi's th. th. th. th. to, th. to, th. to, to, th. to, th. to, to, to, to, thi. thi. to, thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho, tho, the the the the to the to to to to to to to to to to to to the the the their the their their their their their their their their their their their their their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I their. I th. I to, to, to, to, to tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I tho. I toda. toda. today. today. today. today. today. today. today. to today. th and gets Kyle out of jail. Somehow. Oh, right. He's Kyle's attorney.

Right. Now. Because he's an Esquire. And he tells Kyle that they're going to put Michael in a censor deprivation tank. He's, oh, no, kill her. Michael feels very close to Kyle for no reason. And well, he knows that he knows that he knows, because, he knows, he knows, he knows, he knows, he knows, because, he knows, he knows, he knows, because, he knows, he that he knows, because he's a magical child, because Stephen Kang wrote

Rimbo. Like, the sentence that you just had made zero sense, but it made more sense of this movie. Is this also where there's the cat scare, where Caitlin sitting in the car and a cat just falls from the sky onto the hood going, ah! When is the last fucking time that happened to you? I live with cats and that's never,. Never. They don't just drop from the sky. I don't, I would love it if they did. So Larry is driving Kyle out of town. He's getting him out of darkness falls. He's like man you're getting into my bone zone and I'm trying to do this shit dog. Yeah, because he's talking about how Caitlin never got over him. She was 12. She was 12. She was 12. She was 12. She was 12. She was 12. She was 12. Like 12. Like 12. Like 12. Like 12. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like. Like the 12. Like the 12. Like the 12. Like the 12. Like the 12. Like the 12. the 12. the 12. the 12. the 12. the 12. to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. to. the. the. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the the to. to. the toyear-old crush? You get over that. Yeah.

By like 14. And this is where they drive directly into a tree that seems to be in the middle of the fucking road. Yeah, well, that tree came out of nowhere. And Larry's not wearing a seatbelt, I think, right? Just ejected. Kyle wasn't wearing a seatbelt. and then get killed by the Tooth Fairy because she just hangs out in the woods waiting. The next note I have just says Tooth Fairy Super Strength Dway in the Rock Johnson. Can you explain that? Because Dway in the Rock Johnson was the tooth fairy in the movie?

Yeah. Was she super strong in this movie? She seemed to be. She just picked people up and broke their goddamn next. Well, then tweet that someone posted that was new drinking game every time Katie doesn't understand? I did. I responded that I wanted to play that game while we did the podcast but I would just forget everything. So my next note is, this is theare. this movie is heroically stupid.

I have wholeheartedly agree. It's like the hero's journey of stupid. The next note I have says 10, so he's supposed to be 22. This is madness. Madness. Larry gets killed. Yeah, who cares? It doesn't matter.

How does this town continue to exist in the like 10 to 12 hours of darkness that they have every fucking day? Because she's just killing people. Why is she just killing people? Has she been doing it all along along? Because? Because? the the tha? tha? their tha? thiii. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. tho. thi. thi. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. tho. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. th. th. th. th. th. th. It. It. It. It. It. It, th. It, th. It, th. It, th. It's, th. It's, th. It's, thi. It's, thi. It's, thi. thi. to. to. to. to. to. to. theeea. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. killing people? I don't know. Has she been doing it all along? Because it's like murder she wrote the entire population has been murdered. Holy shit, do you think this is Jessica Fletcher's town? Maybe. I mean, statistically, yeah. All those people Jessica Fletcher put away, erroneously accused. It was the fucking tooth fairy. I... I... I... That... I... I... I... I... I... I... Uh-oh, oh God. Oh, God. This movie broke me. So, Kyle ends up back in jail. I don't remember how the fuck he ends up back in jail. It doesn't

the tooth fairy comes and kills all the cops. Yeah, it's fine. Except for the one. Matt. Matt. Matt. that. too. the thin. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. the th. the th. th. this. this. this. this. this. this this this movie. this m. this movie. this movie. this movie. This. this m. This. This. This. This. This. the this m. This. This. the the this movie. this movie. this m. this m. this this m. this m. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. this. the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. the the the th. the th. the the th. the the the the the th. the the th. the the the. this movie. this movie. this movie. this movie. this movie. this movie. this m. this m. th. to the hospital to save Michael and Caitlin and this in like the five hours that he's been gone they still haven't gotten that kid in the fuck etc. Depuration tank. No, no. The doctor looks like Jared Fogel from Subway. It's really upsetting. I was like you get away from that little boy. Holy shit. So the lights go out everywhere in the town. Yeah. And the hospital... Because darkness falls?

God, it's good! The hospital has emergency lights. They only work for a couple hours. Why, you're a hospital! Get a generator! Shit! Hi, I'd like to introduce you to Katie. She's the new comp troller of Marcus Falls. I want to read you the next four notes that I have.

Is this a rock block of notes that I need to hear? Let's do this. This is when they're in the car, in the cop car. Should have the dome light on. This the car scene where they get the the the the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome the dome. This is what I wrote. The car scene where they get Michael out of the hospital right before he goes into the chamber and you can hear the tooth fairy screaming inside the chamber. It's so stupid. So this movie is an American Australian. So this is when we realize that Michael's Australian. Michael's Australian? He goes, Caitlin, no. There's like 27 syllables in his no. That's interesting because I didn't think he had any lines other than Caitlin,

Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin, like that is the movie that they wrote and made. Caitlin, Caitlan, noi. There are literally, he really nailed the hell out of that no. I had that note followed by that the the the the the the the the the there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there, there's there's there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, there's like, really, he really nailed the hell out of that no. I have that note followed by, this is so dumb. I can't even, I'm sorry, get ready to drink babies, because I cannot make sense of these notes. Yeah, tighten the rag around the leak? Oh, there's a generator that they're filled with gasoline and then when they try the lighthouse, they've gone to lighthouse point to light the lighthouse to kill the tooth fairy who... Oh my god, I'm back. Oh my god, are you okay? And so it springs a leak and they can't do it and nine nennelts has to run downstairs and try

to fix it while Matt the cop gets killed. Can I read my next note to you? Please. This is a modern-day Prometheus story, except everyone has a low IQ and no charisma. What am I doing with my life? What am I doing? It's the holiday season I should have spent this time with my loved ones. I can't get it back. No, no, I'm sorry. So eventually they get the light to start up and the tooth fairy starts attacking him and

then he throws the tooth fairy into the light. And then... It goes on forever though. Like, just take them already. Just kill these people. I don't care. At one point, he's broken the light so it just shining all the tapapap the tooth fairy is now hiding in a rafter. Yeah. And so she comes down and picks Kyle up by the face and lifts him up and he's joking.

And then he lights his arm on fire because it had gotten gasoline earlier when he got knocked out, lights it on fire and then delivers the line. You want me? You want me to take this line? So poorly delivered at this line. You could tel it it it it it it it was it was it was it was it was it was it was it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like it was like the the the they. the the they. th. thi. thi. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. their. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the th. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. th. t. t. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. te. to take this? I'm not saying it. So poorly delivered at this line. You could tell it was like 18 takes like, oh god, I'm sorry, go on. I see you, bitch. I see you, bitch. That's the big ender. I'm will kill the tooth fairy line. I wrote that down and then I wrote, oh god, that is so bad. That is so bad. This is after they do they they they they they do they do they do they do like they do like they do like they do like they do like they do like they do like they do like they do like they do like they do like th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. I th. I th. th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm. I'm. I that is so. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I th. I th. I th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm th. I'm, she's back thing. Because she's she's dead and then I went to stop the movie because I was like I don't need to see the credits and then I was like there's 14 fucking minutes left don't do

this to me. Yeah they kill her and then unfortunately not everyone in the town dies. Yeah but she comes back at the end right. There's a scene at the end, right? I don't even care. There's a scene at the end after Kyle and Caitlin and Michael have escaped somehow. They didn't die. This woman who can kill anyone any time in the light or in the dark, because she spends 80% of her fucking time in the light. Doesn't kill them. Why not? So we see this little kid in bed and his mom comes in. She pounced thiol and, this this little, this little, th, th. th. th. th. th. th. the little, the little, th. thi. the little, thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thoom. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. tooom, tooom, tooom. And, tooom. And, tooom. And, tooom. And, tooom. And, tooom. And, tooom. And, tooom. And, tooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom. Because dad came in and said good night and then mom comes in and then she's slight of hand,

removes a tooth from under the pillow and leaves a quarter. And then the kid opens his eyes. Cut to the end of the movie. Some fucking new metal starts or something. Yeah. Soundtrack to this movie. Yeah. I have nothing more to say.

Wow. So, wow. I want to talk about this quickly before we lose this thread. When you lost a tooth, did you get money? Yeah. How much? Um, I think sometimes a quarter, sometimes a dollar. Wow, I always got a quarter. Yeah, well, I came ten years later, then you, inflation had happened. A friend of mine always gives his kids a dollar and I'm like, that's $32 or whatever. How many teeth you got in your fucking head? I don't think, I don't think giving a child a dollar is exorbitant.

No, it teaches them, it doesn't teach them the responsibility of money. A dollar just seems so exorbitant for a thing that fell out of your fucking face. But I guess if it's traumatized at school? Yeah, I should have. I'm going to get reparations. Do you remember if you lost a tooth at school they'd give you that little plastic treasure box and you could keep it with you? And I remember being like, I don't want it. Because if you ever look inside like your tooth and it's just very upsetting and on teeth are not my favorite thing. I had a paper envelope that they they they they they the they they they the the they they their. I. I the their. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I had th. I had th. I had a their their th. I had their their th. I their the. I the. I th. I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their I their their their their their their their their their their their th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do th. Do the. Do the. Do theat. Do teateateateateateat. Do teateat. Do teateat. Do teat. Do teeat. Do you tee. Do you te. Do you the. Oh you didn't have the plastic treasure box. Oh, plastics came after me, oh right. I forgot they were invented in 1990. Katie. Alan, what were we thinking? I mean like, I know we said we wanted it to be painful, but I was legitimately furious when I was watching this movie. The last episode where you're like, I wanted to hurt, I wanted to be painful. We haven't hurt ourselves in a while. And like you've you legitimately legitimately legitimately legitimately legitimately legitimately legitimately they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they they're they're they're th. I th. I th. I f. I forgot. I forgot. I they're th. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I forgot. I th. I forgot. I th. I th. I they they they th. I they th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. I th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. th. thi. thi. thi. thi. thi. th. I th. I they're. The last episode where you're like, I wanted to hurt, I wanted to be hate, but we haven't hurt ourselves in a while.

And like, you fucking flagellated us. This is insane. I know. I'm sorry. I guess we're going to move on to the rake. Like to do this. Right, hey. You can go first. Really revving this one up, which is a rar, it gets a zero.

Zero. Zero for lack of fucking drawing. You could have spent 20 more minutes and made a movie that was a lease. Final destination came around the same time, totally stupid movie. Totally stupid movie. Totally dumb. Death can get you. Better movie than this.

Oh, 100% better. Equ's idiotic. Better movie than this. Mm-hmm. Oh, 100% equally stupid concept. Better movie. Yeah. When you really think about the concept of the tooth fairy as being like a bad guy? Sure. It's not great. I don't know. Like I wanted when she exploded, I wanted her to just be made of teeth. I that would have looked cool. Wasn't she? No, her mask had teeth in it, but that's it. I wanted teeth to be flying out and like, I don't know, maybe when she moves, teeth just drop off of her or something, like, really hit those teeth hard. Yeah, that's pretty good. Or if she had a club that was just to make this movie worth our while? I don't know. Just a child going, Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin.

I'm not a screenwriter, but I know that someone could have spent 15 minutes. Alan, neither are these people. You are as much a screenwriter as they are because I do not believe this movie. This does seem like, you know what? I'm gonna write a movie. Yeah. You know who else did that? The guy who wrote Big Trouble Little China. He made a fucking amazing movie.

I watched this on back-to-back days with Big Trouble in Little China. Oh, that's so glorious. I'm so glad you got to see that movie recently. It's the best. You're not allowed to have that. Yeah. I'm sorry, buddy. You're no Kurt Russell. No one is. I can't wait to see the hate plate. I'm going to luxuriate in Kurt Russell's new, contrary and Western mustache. I love that mustache.

I've been thinking about cutting my beard to that mustache. You should try it. You should try ites, according to Wikipedia. That's generous. I can't believe anyone gave it a favorable rating. I recently came out of the jungle and I've never seen a moving picture before. It's terrifying in that case. You know? It probably is.

So they wouldn't even have gotten it a nine or whatever. I don't even think this movie deserved. This is in the grand tradition of God-muster Indian flats. Christmas is over. This movie is like curdled eggnog. That is my rating. It stinks. It stinks and I feel sick.

This is the baby New Year's diaper. Yeah, it stinks and I feel sick. Or old man times diaper. This movie made a shitload of money. Did you know that? No. It made $47.5 million worldwide. What did it cost to make?

$30 bucks. $11 million. That is an extreme success. Jesus Age Christmas. What is everybody doing? We need to ask ourselves that. I can be an actor. I can be a screenwriter, evidently. I can do anything. So fuck this movie. Oh, fuck it.

Fuck everyone involved with it. And why did you do this to us? Why did we do this to us? I'm sorry. You know what the people listening should do for themselves though, Katie? What? They should order the parcel of terror from Cryptocurium. That's a really good segue. Thanks man. So the parcel of terror if you guys haven't been listening, it would be weird if Darkness Falls with your entree episode into this button. These guys are just dicks. They're just mad at everything. We are not dicks. You're a dick for thi for thinking that. So if you haven't been listening. Parcel of Terror, you subscribe to the Parcel of Terror, and every month you get a box from Jason McKitrich at Cryptocurium.com, which Katie will spell later. C-R-Y-P-T-O-C-U-R-I-U-M dot C-O-M.

Hoah! Huh! Not even later. I'm sorry. And, um, every month you get a box filled with with with stuff like if go back and listen to the crampits episode if you've seen that movie because we do an unboxing that one and we are both amazed by the shit that Jason's making like just incredible stuff. Magnets and plaques and stickers and all kinds of stuff. Sometimes it's a themed box sometimes it's all over the board.

But the nice thing is that you can see what you're going to get before you get it so you can decide whether or not you want to cancel your subscription, you don't locked into anything. If you want just one month's box, just buy that one month's box and then go ahead and cancel. Jason doesn't care. But if you want to keep it, the toy. to keep you. Yeah, Cry, to. Parself terror. Do it! So Katie, what are we doing next week? Next week we're doing another Netflix classic, I would say.

It's a newer movie called The Taking of Deborah Logan. It is a sort of found footage film that you can find on Netflix. Yeah, you can find the found footage film. Yeah. Free. Friend for a fee. Monthly. Monthly. Month. Free. Friend for a fee. Monthly. Monthly. Just fate dollars a month. I still have that goddamn DVD subscription.

Seriously, Harry and the Henderson's is lost in my house somewhere, and I can't cancel it and I don't know what to do. Oh, when he punches him to make him go back into the woods. So sad. I love them. So sad. I think I'm part like Bigfoot or Yeti so I definitely identify the area of that movie. So you can find us on Facebook where we are a were wolf ambulance. On Instagram we are also where willfulance. Yeah, get in touch. Tell us what you think about darkness. I'm sorry that you watched it. You should feel our pain. Yeah feel the pain. Share the pain. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the. So. the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the the area. So. So. So. So. So.a. So.a.a. So.a.a. So. So. So. I. I. I. I. the. I. the. So. So. I'm not sorry that you watched it. You should feel our pain. Yeah, feel the pain. Share the pain. Happy holidays.

This is how we're ending the fucking year, Darkness Falls. Happy New Year, everybody. Yeah. To me, may 2016, bring you better movies. Not Darkness Falls. No. Damn it, darkness falls. Well, thanks so much for listening to another episode of wherewulf ambulance. Bye. Bye.