Werewolf Ambulance: A Horror Movie Comedy Podcast - From the Patreon Files: National Treasure (2004)

Episode Date: October 7, 2024

Hi EMTs, good news/bad news situation: Bad news, we recorded a whole episode on the 2016 film "Split" and then the goddamn computer lost the file. Good news: we recorded a Patreon episode recently about the Nic Cage vehicle "National Treasure" which feels like a somewhat comparable trade. We'll be back next week with a new episode on "Split" and hey, maybe the jokes will be better the second time around! Thanks for your patience.

Oh, man, do I love you Patrons. America. America? It's almost the Fourth of July. It's just like 4th of July. It's just like a month out. We're like three days past Memorial Day, so maybe we could talk about our fallen veterans instead.

Oh. USA, USA. Yeah, but the 4th of July is the Declaration of Independence. I was just thinking about America and Donald Trump being convicted on 34 counts. We did it America. We did it, we did it Joe. As the liberal media said,

it's not gonna change anything. Fuck you Frank Bruni of the New York Times, shove it up your square asshole. National Treasure, Patrons, you picked it. We didn't give you much to go on. I gave you a movie that doesn't exist as one of the choices. Why would you do that to them? National Treasure, Patrons, you picked it. We didn't give you much to go on. No, I gave you a movie that doesn't exist as one of the choices. Why would you do that to them?

National Treasure 3. No, I can't believe they haven't made a third one. But though, to be fair, this one is incredibly long. I can't believe they made a second one. It doesn't seem like there's more to tell. No, whole story laid out. Yeah, pretty much. Katie, right at the belt,

since we don't rate these things, I can do this. I fucking love this movie pretty much. Katie, right at the belt. Since we don't rate these things, I can do this. I fucking love this movie so much. Is this the first time you'd seen it? I thought not, but yes, it definitely was. Okay, okay. Yeah, and a goddamn delight it was. Really? Yeah, I had a great time watching this movie.

You felt like it was a roller coaster ride of action thrills, America, and women just not knowing when to shut the fuck up, apparently. What is woman? Shut up! Shut up, woman! Don't worry, we'll get to that in the Zoppyland episode. What explains women and all that they need in the world. Women, women, am I right?

Oh yeah, no, this movie disrespects women at every turn. Shut up, you're the only one here with a PhD, shut up. She's talking again, it's so annoying. Why does this bitch's mouth just keep moving? Why can't she just be pretty? I'm gonna marry her. And she's gonna marry me, and I don't know why, I think it's for a green card.

She already worked for the government. Yeah. Oh, my first note just says there is simply no way I can pay attention to this for two hours and 12 minutes. I wish my first note said I'm fucking enraptured already. Is that what it says? Is that what it says? Oh no, my first note says that stair chair is amazing.

Stair chair? So when the little kid's up in this grandpa's attic and he's looking around for, I assume the Declaration of Independence, he sits, he's sitting down in a chair and then he turns around and he flips that chair up and it becomes a series of stairs that go up and he's able to get the document that's up in the rafters. Fascinating. Yeah. It was a really neat piece of furniture.

So this is Washington DC, 1974. Great year. Great a really neat piece of furniture. So this is Washington, DC, 1974. Great year. Great year, year of your birth. Yeah. Fantastic year. Felt like I was there. Felt like you were there. We've got a baby, Nicholas Cage, whose name is what now?

Oh, the character in this film? Benjamin Franklin Gates. Benjamin Franklin Gates. Don't name your child. Don't do this.. Don't do this. Just don't do this, John Voight. George Washington Plumber, my child. Oh yes, that's John Voighton.

The only thing I could figure is that like, this guy's real weird. We need a weird dad. Yeah, like you wouldn't get a Nicolas Cage out of nowhere. But how you get a John Voight out of a Christopher Plumber is what I wanna know. Great question. That man defeated the Nazis.

He sure did. Oh, he single-handedly. Yeah. Just him. And he's a Van Helsing. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And the greatest movie we've ever done, Dracula 2000.

What a fucking movie. Grandpa is telling him some old man story from 1832. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. About Freemasons and Andrew Jackson. And I was like, we don't have to meet him, right? We're not gonna meet him in this story. We didn't, we didn't.

And then a treasure of all treasures with some Romans or something, I don't know. I think it started with the Egyptians and then it went to the Romans. Crusaders stumbled upon it. Later when they're in the vault, and she goes, the Library of Alexandria. How the fuck you know?

Those are just rolled up. Those look like posters. I was like, does it have a library card on it? Yeah. Someone checked this out by Tootin' Comet. Oh God, so frustrating. We start hearing about the Knights Templar, to which I just wrote, okay, I've played Assassin's Creed,

but I still don't get it. Also, this movie, what it presupposes is that the Knights Templar weren't thieving pieces of shit, but they were like, oh, we're good guys, we're doing good things for good stuff. Isn't that what knights do, right? Like Sir Paul McCartney. I love reading about Robert Smith's feelings about anybody who knows who's been knighted.

It's like, why the fuck would you do that? These people are terrible. I don't know. So weird. Robert Smith, a little bit jelly. Little bit jelly. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He would accept it. Yeah, he would. No, I doubt it. At this point, he's so contrarian that he's like, if you're like, do you want a sandwich? He's like, I'm real I doubt it. At this point, he's so contrarian that he's like, if you're like, do you want a sandwich? He's like, mm, real hungry, no. No, sandwiches are bad.

I bet Morse eats sandwiches. I bet Morse does eat sandwiches, that sandwich eating motherfucker. So yeah, the Templars are like, this treasure is too great for any man to have, now we're the Freemasons. Right, so we'll hide it, but we'll also set up a series of elaborate clues.

Boy, boy howdy. Okay. The first clue is the secret lies with Charlotte. Yeah. And this is what leads to our jump cut. To like a pyramid and shit on a dollar bill to which I wrote, help me God no. I can't stand this kind of shit.

I can't stand like, why is there an eye on the dollar bill? I don't know, you don't know. It doesn't fucking matter. It truly doesn't matter. Cash money is no longer even a thing. Yeah, I feel bad for the cash money millionaires. What are they doing? They for the cash money millionaires. What are they doing? They're just debit card millionaires.

Bitcoin millionaires. Yeah, probably actually. Yeah, so we find out that John Voight dad hates Christopher Plummer grandpa. Yeah. And so he's like taking Nicolas Cage grandson away. Yeah, he's like, time to go son, my father is a madman. They've de-aged me and I look weird, we have to go now.

He looks, yeah, he looks like they filled him with like a bag of saline. He doesn't look right. Way to get rid of those wrinkles. Just gonna pump your face with salt water. Why? Oh God, I can't stand to John Floyd either. Remember that time that he got killed by an anaconda?

Yeah, remember his accent in that movie? How could I ever forget? Then we cut to North of the Arctic Circle. I do wanna drive one of those like snow cat things. They seem like they'd be fun. I just don't wanna be on the snow in order to do it. Oh really? Yeah, I hate snow. I wouldn't mind doing it. I don't mind snow so much. They seem like they'd be fun. I just don't want to be on the snow in order to do it. Oh really? Yeah. No, I hate snow. I don't mind snow so much or snow much.

Who is in the car with Nicholas cage? Is it Sean Bean? It's fucking Sean Bean. I was like, Oh, he's going to die. Cause he always dies. Right? Yeah. What are you doing in here? Boromir? Sean Bean. He says something about this being a waste of time, and I thought, like, if this was really a waste of time, if you really thought that, would you go all the way to the north of the Arctic Circle? It's like trying to get pigeon bagels after like 10 a.m.

Sure, yeah. You're just not even gonna try, right? And you're welcome for hyper-specific Pittsburgh references. If you're in Pittsburgh, go get pigeon bagels, but go really early in the morning. Yeah, best bagels in Pittsburgh. Best bagels in Pittsburgh. Like, fuck me.

Hands down. Yeah, oh yeah. You got a carb? What's that? Just talking about carbs. He doesn't love a carb. He doesn't love a carb. Oh boy, what do they find though?

So they've got the computer nerd with them. This is Riley. Later went on to be in the Hangover films from what Missy was telling me. Oh, okay. And he is like computer nerd, computer nerd, computer nerd, and if my facts and figures are correct, it's right here.

It's interesting because he's a brain genius and also very, very stupid. Sure. And not just common sense stupid, but like stupid stupid. Yeah, I feel like that was a trope in these movies at this time. That like, like brain genius idiot. I see a brain genius idiot who doesn't have any like life skills.

Sure. But this guy doesn't have any brain skills either other than the computers, I guess. Other than very specific mapping program. Got it. Okay. All right. All right. than very specific mapping program. Got it. Okay, all right, all right. So they find the ship's bell for the Charlotte.

It's the Charlotte, the secret lies in the Charlotte. Yeah, luckily the bell was facing upwards when they found it. Fantastic. The frozen interior of the ship looks really cool. It looks fantastic. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's a body? There are multiple bodies.

They just like, you'd think they would have to like have some sort of reporting requirements for finding historical things, particularly if dead bodies are involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'd think, just so you'd think. Yeah, no, you could just go and do whatever you want if you're a Sean Bean in a neck cage.

I guess you can. Yeah, you can buy dinosaur bones and go bankrupt over it if you want to. I mean, the problem with buying dinosaur bones is that later you have to pay for those dinosaur bones and sometimes you're not a credit card millionaire. I did I thought the mummies look great. Yeah oh yeah they're they get into the cargo hold and there's like a the captain is guarding one of the barrels. Yeah and brain genius Nick Cage is like why would he be guarding that one barrel? The nice thing about Nick Cage in this movie is that you never have to wonder what he's thinking.

He is, he's giving strong Mark Wahlberg, I don't believe this guy's a scientist. This is our second Nick Cage movie where he's a book boy. And it's just like, no. There's a lot of things I believe about him. Cop? Sure. I'll always believe that he is a cop. Lumberjack and Mandy? Fully believe it. Cop. Sure. I'll always believe that he is a cop. Lumberjack and Mandy, fully believe it. Fine. Yeah, I'm fine with that.

Brain genius? Book boy? Yeah. No. That's a book boy, no. No. They find a parcel containing a box with a carved pipe to which Nicolas Cage says,

look at the intricacy of the scroll work. Ew, ew. And Sean Bean's like, oh, it's a mere Sean pipe. Yes, which I know exactly what that is. Do you? No. Oh, well it's that. I'm like Riley, but I'm also just stupid about everything.

Is it a billion dollar pipe? Is it a million dollar pipe? Is it a million dollar pipe? Nicholas Cage cuts his thumb and rubs his blood on it to print the words that it makes when it rolls. Uh-huh, uh-huh. It gives him some sort of list of new clues are revealed. I wish that rubbing his blood on it had done nothing. And then he was just like, ow, for the rest of the day.

And everyone else just goes, ew. God damn it. Right all over it? It's a priceless artifact. I was trying to get the ATM machine to work, I thought I needed my blood. I'm surprised PNC doesn't do that yet. Give us a drop of your blood,

you can access your accounts. Put your finger on there to just poke sure real quick. Thumb tack right into the bottom of it. And the ship is filled with gunpowder. Right, because they were stabbing barrels earlier. And Nicolas Cage goes, it's a riddle. I need to think. And then he walks around talking thinking.

Thinks by speaking out loud. Yeah. As we all do. As we all do. Internal monologues are for the weak. I mean, why show me when you can say it to me? Oh, internal monologues are for the weak. I mean, why show me when you can say it to me? And this, I was like, oh wait, this is a Disney movie.

Yeah. This is Mission Impossible for kids. Okay, okay. Is what I came down on. All right. So it was like, okay, kids need to be told how to think. Yes, ma'am. Have I seen a Mission Impossible?

You have. Which one? Did we do the first one? Alan, I'm asking you. Yeah, we've done at least one of them. We may have done more than one of them at this point. What was it about? Tom Cruise has other people's faces on all the time.

There's a lot of action. Tom Cruise hanging off the side of a building in Dubai. Didn't we do that one? No, no. I think I'd remember. What I love is that you remember our films as well as the fans do. Because when I recently put out our poll

asking what queer horror movie we should do for Pride Month, everyone was like, oh, you should do Return of the Living Dead. And I was like, well, I don't know. We've done that twice. They didn't say that one. But it was just like all these movies. And I was like, well, we've done You've done that twice. They didn't say that one, but it was just like all these movies. And I was like, well, we've done that one. You've done that one.

I've done that one too. Go back into the archives, my friends. Give it a gook. Yeah. And speaking of archives, my next note just says the Declaration of Independence. I have never in my life written down the Declaration of Independence so many fucking times.

It's a lot of letters and I don't like that about it. There's no good way to abbreviate it. I'll just do it. The deck of end. So Sean Bean turns. Of course he does. Yeah. I'm glad they don't drag this out.

You know, he's not going to be a good guy. I really love this because it's for again, for little kids. So he's like, well, Sean means like, you know what? I'm actually a criminal so I can do crimes and we could steal the declaration of independence in my past. I have crimes and Nick Cage goes, oh, you can't steal the declaration of independence and Sean Bean discuss. Well, you're going to be a hindrance from here on out. So shoot him. Yes, it's very good just like man we we just shared a bagel together because we had to get to the arctic circle before lunchtime north of the arctic circle oh my god so they just all start firing wildly in a ship filled with fucking gunpowder.

Yeah. But then I was thinking like, gunpowder has got to expire at some point. Like, can it, does it just stay volatile forever? What is gunpowder? I don't know. Me either. I don't know.

I know that you can make it by like pissing on a rock and then doing some other stuff with it. As a person who's pissed on many rocks, none of them have exploded. Bet you know of. Well, I would know if it's exploded right under my piss. But doesn't happen right away. No, I guess that's true.

You gotta let it dry out first. So yeah, there's this whole thing where before the turn happens, where Nicolas Cage is like deciphering the thing and he's like, it's an iron, iron pen. And the one like dumb, like lackey guys like iron pen, that's a cell. He's a prison prison. I don't know if he was Russian, but I'm going to pretend he was. I think it might've been Scottish.

And then Nick Cage has to show you that he knows things. Well, actually the iron ink was the blibbity babbity. Everything he says makes me want to be dad. Everything he says makes me want to be dead. So Sean Bean and his henchmen lock in Nicholas Cage and Riley. Yeah. And then it blows up. The whole thing blows up. Yeah. They hide in some sort of hidey hole. Yes. And Sean Bean says to his henchmen,

let's get out of here before someone sees the smoke, to which I wrote, oh! Well, as we learned, there's an Inuit village just a mere nine miles away. I don't think it would be okay. It's a very long explosion too. It explodes forever. God bless it, it's an early 2000 action movie,

so it explodes in slow motion. Yeah, and I was watching it in fast motion, so it looked normal, which I liked. What was this movie like in fast motion? You're gonna miss so much. A little more tolerable, I think. So Riley and Ben are safe. They're back in the, they get back to America

because there's Triumph in America music when they returned to America. And wait, did they just leave them one of those snow driver car things? No, they had to walk to the Inuit village. They walked nine miles? Yeah. Okay. In the Arctic Circle, by the way.

I see. Well, they were warm from the explosion. And from their own self-satisfaction of not doing crimes. Oh, right. So smug. We need to find, they go to the FBI, and the FBI's like, yeah, get the fuck out of here, you fucking nutbars. Yeah, why would anyone believe them?

People are like, FBI, someone's gonna steal the Declaration of Independence. We need someone who's just short of crazy. What's just short of crazy, Katie? Uh, I don't know, what is it? Passionate. Passionate. That's one of my favorite jokes about the liquor store. What's that? Passionate. Passionate. That's one of what reminds me of one of my favorite jokes

about the liquor store. What's that? You're passionate. The liquor store. Passionate. Passionate. Is that a joke? I'm not sure.

It's a liquor store. The liquor store. You're passionate. Yeah, you're passionate. I feel like there's a setup somewhere that I can get in. Yeah, maybe. Oh, God, Nicolas Cage is really working an Elvis look in this movie. Every once in a while, he slips into an Elvis voice. Which is not right.

No, no, no. It's not right. No, no, no, it's, yes. It's not good. Is this when he, around the time that he was married to the young Presley girl? Lisa Marie. Yeah. Maybe. All right, pee to Lisa Marie. Yeah.

Shed this mortal coil. Rip. A real one. She was based. Other internet things. Kind of mid. She was neither as hot as her mother or her father. But how could she be?

Gosh, imagine being less than the sum of the parts. Sure. Yeah. Not like us. No, I'm better looking than both my parents for sure. They go to meet with a professor who Riley assumes is a, no, it's not a professor, just a museum worker. An archivist, as far as I can tell. She's a doc, I mean, she has a doctorate.

Sure, and Riley assumes she's a med because. She's a doctor. Yeah, she's a doctor. Not a nurse, she's not a museum nurse. Exactly. But she's hubba hubba. She is hubba hubba. It's Diane Kruger as Dr. Chase. How do you know Diane Kruger from other things?

No, I just know her name. Okay. Her name is Dr. Chase. Dr. Abigail Chase. Nicholas Cage rolls in and he's like, your accent, Pennsylvania Dutch. And she just goes, no. Doesn't sound at all Pennsylvania Dutch. The person who wrote this movie, have they ever heard Pennsylvania Dutch. And she just goes, no, doesn't sound at all Pennsylvania Dutch.

The person who wrote this movie, have they ever heard Pennsylvania Dutch people talk? I don't think there was Mary a Lilt in anything she said. No, she's holding back her German accent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe her breath smells of birch beer. Maybe. So, uh, uh, he notices that Abigail Chase is missing one of George Washington's fucking- Campaign buttons.

Campaign buttons. She's like, he's like, it must have taken you a long time to collect all of those, but she looks like she's fresh out of high school. She's like 25 years old. She's a 25 year old guardian of the Declaration of Independence. Okay.

But I have a question. Yeah. Where the fuck did George Washington need a campaign button? I thought they just gave him the job. Okay. But I have a question. Yeah. Why the fuck did George Washington need a campaign button? I thought they just gave him the job. No, I think they're from war, from battles. Oh, I was thinking a little like an I like Ike. Like an I like Ike, yeah.

Perfect, thank you. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Wait, you get buttons for going to war? Why shouldn't you? God, you do hate, sure. Wait, you get buttons for going to war? Why shouldn't you? God, you do hate the veterans, don't you? I don't. Why don't you try supporting our troops once in a while? But I don't, like, my grandpa didn't have a,

you did a great job in Japan, but. My grandpa did, he had a silver one and a purple one, yeah. Oh no, those are four things. Yeah, so are these, so are these. They're not just like. What are you arguing? So George Washington participation awards are going to war is what I'm saying.

I feel like you're really alienating some of our audience right now. I'm sorry. I just never heard of these campaign buttons. Forgive my ignorance. If I'm being honest with you, I don't know what a campaign button is. But I like that you took a staunch position, even not knowing. Well, I'm an American and that's my right.

That's what this movie is about, is having a really bad take on something and sticking with it forever. So she also does not believe their horseshit story about the declaration of independence being stolen. Right. And they're like, well, we have this pipe and it led us through here. Just like, can I see the pipe or did Bigfoot steal it? Yeah.

I was like, damn, Dr. Chase. Dr. Chase is not pulling any punches. No. He's like reciting from the Declaration of Independence. Then he's like, people don't talk that way anymore. Yeah, that was hundreds of years ago. Language changes. And I guarantee they didn't talk that way.

No, it's a really formal written document. It's like reading like a lawsuit now and being like, wow, people talk funny here in America 2024. They're all like, suck my dick George Washington too. George Washington has no riz. Give those people their teeth back, you weirdo. Yeah, really. Give those people their teeth back, you weirdo. Yeah, really? So she's like, yeah, well, we can't do this because you're an idiot, so you have to leave.

And then immediately Nick Cage is like, I'm going to steal the Declaration of Independence. What a fucking idiot. He says it as he's standing over it in the case with like a bunch of tourists standing around. What if you heard someone say that? Why does that guy, he's trying to sound like Elvis just saying it's a stupid decoration. Honka Honka, Vernon archives. Freedom.

Yeah. Oh man. He's explaining to Riley why he has to do this because Ian or Sean Bean would just destroy it. But he doesn't know that. No. Just because he's English? Is he that mad about it still?

Still. Still just like super fucking. Weird, he's mad about the War of 1812. He doesn't really care about the declaration of the War of Independence. I mean, he should really focus his energies on things that matter. It's true.

I mean, he does have to save all of Middle Earth and- And does a shit job at it. Does, yeah. But he's also got to keep the North safe. And does a shit job at that too. He does, he does do that. And whatever Sharps, sea captainry is. And we did, didn't we do the Black Plague movie with him?

Oh yeah, he was in the Black Plague. He died in that, didn't he? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And did he also die in Silent Hill? I can't remember. I'm gonna go ahead and say yes. Yeah, I think he did. I don't think he did, but let's pretend he did.

Forgot he was in Silent Hill. How dare you? It's just like a regular guy. Yeah, yeah. Not like a medieval character. Okay. He was giving me strong grownup Spicoli vibes in this movie. His hair is very floppy and his, all of his pants are ill fitting.

Yeah. Yeah. And his hair is very bleach blonde. Yeah. He looks weird. Yeah. Yeah. We get a montage of using computers and cameras and talking to oneself. I hate it. Thank you. I hate it. I hate it. Thank you. I hate it. Oh, there's the montage and this are so like, how can we make science seem fun? Yeah. I have to remind myself that it's a movie for children. Yes. Yeah.

I was really glad they put the Walt Disney logo at the beginning of it. So really, all right, right on, right on. Excuses for everything. So at one point, so they're gonna break into the Declaration of Independence. They're gonna get inside of the Declaration of Independence and steal it. Wait, who is?

Both parties are. Yes, Nick Cage and Sean Bean. So Nick Cage has to get an ID badge off a custodian and he does it in the stupidest way possible. Describe it to me. He at, oh, I don't know, 200 yards from the guy uses a telescoping lens to take a picture of his badge at an angle and then puts it into Photoshop,

cuts it out, it's blurry on the computer screen on the TV. Yeah, so you know when you print it. Yeah, and he puts a picture of himself and then goes, I'd buy that. What? Would you, you fucking idiot? And also what we see is that, this is the National Galleries, right?

They have extremely stringent security protocols and apparently this ID card does not swipe, it does not scan, it's just a picture of you. Nah, it's just so you can go ahead, buddy. Go ahead, buddy. It's on the security card. Okay. Meanwhile, the people that are going to the museum gala

are getting like patted down. Why? It's not like they're taking the declaration out of the case for people to touch. It's just like they're visiting the museum. I'm glad you said touch because that brings up an important plot point in this film. Okay.

Everything they're about to do hinges on the fact that this woman will not wash her hands. She's a filthy, she's a dirty girl. She gets the campaign button, which we have learned is for military service and a campaign. We've learned. From you telling me.

From me telling you, which may or may not be right. I like it. But Nakedge sends her the one she was missing. Yes, which he had in his own personal collection. And he's rubbed lemon juice all over it. Yes. Which he had in his own personal collection and he's rubbed lemon juice all over it. And so she picks it up and when she goes into the declaration of independence house and she's tippy tappy tipping on a keyboard, her dirty ass hands are leaving fingerprints all over this thing. Which also implies that she touched the lemon juice

to each finger. Okay. I mean, if you get something that exciting, you're gonna rub it. Just rub it all over you. Yeah, I bet if they did like the black light, she would have had a little bit on each nip. Nips, definitely putting her nips on that.

Her password is Valley Forge. Ha ha ha ha. I love when Nick Cage sneaks in here, because you can obviously tell that he's wearing a tuxedo underneath of his coverall. Yeah, it's not supposed to be like, it's supposed to be a reveal when he pulls off the coveralls and then you're like, yeah, I literally saw the shirt. The bowtie is right there. Oh, and he's told her that his name is Paul Brown. Sure. That, yeah, that's, that'll come back up later.

Is this where he's having the conversation with her and he says something about, they'd have had their entrails cut out and burned. And you're like, he's just a barely contained madman. Like just barely contained. He's that type of dude that like to impress a woman will just fact dump any information that he have.

Let me tell you something women love that. Oh my God, do they ever. Wikipedia.com backslash me.org. Listen, I highly recommend if you're a dude looking to date women, make friends with women. Don't try to fuck those women. Just make friends with women. Yeah. And maybe figure out what women are into.

Maybe. Or, counterpoint, hit them with some trivia. Ask them what their favorite record is and then tell them they're wrong. Oh yeah. If they're wearing a band shirt demand they named three songs. Tell them how sad you are

that they didn't like a movie that you like. And make sure that movie is a movie that has never been liked by anyone but you. Ever. So the bad guys are just busting their way in, and the good guys are using science. But interestingly, they're both committing the same crime. Sure, but one is science-based. That's just.

The bad guys have this great thing, which I'd never thought of before, to open a door, they put basically a jack in the door frame and then widen it so you can just push it open. I was like, you know, that's fucking genius. It is fucking smart. And so he's just tasing a guard and using his finger to open the door with a fingerprint. So much less work. Does a thing that'll never work, which is he gets a fingerprint off of glass,

off of a glass that's touched by Dr. Abigail Chase. Probably because she has poop on her fingers. That bitch never washes her hands. He's like, this is fecal matter. Her fingerprints are all fucked up because there's so much dirt caged in them. So, and he like lifts the print off the glass and then rubs it on a finger condom

and that's what he's gonna use to get in. Yeah. It's so dumb. It's so much smarter to just use the guard. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God. So.

So Riley has hacked the main frame of the cameras. Yeah. And he's able to like turn them off on the feed so that they're just showing still shots. Yeah. But then somehow the bad guys are on the feed. Cause the bad guys do the same thing. They're hacking the main frame as well to get in there,

get in the feed. And so Riley loses the camera feed. Right. And Nicholas Cage can't get the thing, the Declaration of Independence out of the thing, the like holder. Yeah, because he's using like a weak-ass power drill to try and take all these screws out. And he's like, fuck it, I'm just going to take the whole thing. Which he holds to protect himself from being shot.

He shot the Declaration of Independence. Luckily, it was behind bulletproof glass. For sure. Can I just say something about this whole plan? It seems like a really bad idea to tell someone about the potential for the Declaration of Independence to be stolen and then going and stealing it. Why? I don't know. Just a thought.

Well, they don't believe you. You have to prove that it can be done. I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you can tell a woman that you did it. Oh, man. And then things go even more off the rails. How so?

Well, Nicolas Cage is busted trying to shoplift from the gift shop. Very funny. He doesn't have enough money to purchase a thing that he needs, which is a fake copy of the Declaration of Independence, a replica. Sure. He like, we are to believe that he has the real one tucked under his jacket and the,

uh, in a plastic tube and the cashier sees him like he's trying to steal it and makes him pay $35. But then when there's later like a switcheroo with the fake one and the real one, he's like, I thought it'd be useful to have a spare. No, you didn't. You got forced into buying it. Where did you even get the spare? You didn't have enough money.

Where did he get it? Well, he didn't know just the one was the spare. Yeah, he never had a spare though. But he bought the spare. No, he had the real one and she was like, it's $35. And he was like, here's $35. Yeah, and then he used his Visa card to buy the spare. No, he didn't have $35. He bought, he have $35. He bought one copy and it was the original. He never bought a copy.

It's just a dumb plot point. But he says he got a, yes, yes, yes. He's like, oh yeah, it was my fucking smart-ass idea. No, it wasn't. And I don't know where you got it from anyway. It just matters to me. I just matters to me. So he gets outside with the Declaration of Independence and Dr. Abigail Chase sees him and she Abigail chases him down. She sure does. And she gets the Declaration of Independence back and then she's running back across the

street. And Sean Bean kidnaps her. Kidnaps her ass in a fucking like Greek food truck. Yeah. It's got some olympus something. Shiro's in there. So he's like, and who are you? And I thought, did you really like study the gallery and the ways to get in and out and all of the security without knowing who she is?

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Great. Great. Great. Great. All right. Fine. But there was also a, like an aspect of like, and who are you? security without knowing who she is. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, great. Great. Great. Yeah. Yeah. All right, fine. But there was also like an aspect of like, and who are you? Yeah. Who's this now? She is Purdy. I have a note that just says high speed snatch. Oh.

It's title of your sex tape? Was that a Brooklyn Nine-Nine reference? Yes, it was. Nice. Started re-watching reference? Yes it was. Nice. Started re-watching that recently. Such a good show. Holds up. Nicholas Cage realizes they've snatched her, so he's going to snatch her back.

And she's like hanging off the back of the food truck. Yeah, like the door's flapping back and forth. And the one thug is going to shoot her, and Sean Bean's like, you can't shoot her. We need the declaration of independence from her. Idiot. And so they get the declaration of independence from her and then Sean Bean's like, hey, please enjoy yourself.

Yeah. Shoot that woman, who cares? During this car chase gun scene through DC, which if you've ever driven in DC, you know is not real plausible. No. A lot of traffic. Yeah, much like all of the parking in this DC port portion of the film, not plausible. You cannot park a car in DC. No.

But she gets kidnapped back by, wait, did she get kidnapped back? De-kidnapped. De-kidnapped. We go ahead. I can only assume she's already fallen in love with Nicolas Cage at this point. I mean, he's got some things going for him. Airplugs. At this point, we cut back to the FBI now, like shutting down the gala and questioning people. And there for some reason is a woman dressed as Marie Antoinette. And I need to know why. Because time period. No, it's fine. Not this country, not this time period.

This wasn't the thing that blew my mind. What was the thing that blew your mind? The head of the FBI was fucking Harvey Keitel and it broke my brain. I was like, why is he in this? What's happening right now? Harvey Keitel's boat needed some repairs. Am I gonna see his penis in this movie too?

Ugh. I've seen his penis so many times. And why not? Sure, yeah, get it out there. What if it had been in this movie for children? The kids are gonna see it eventually. It's true. They're gonna watch The Piano.

They're gonna see Bad Lieutenant. Probably other movies with his dick in them. I would assume. I would assume that his dick has its own IMDB page. Internet movie dick base. I love that. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

So, they get her back and now they're gonna go to, yeah, when we learned that it was the fake declaration of independence that Sean Bean got and he's like, Gates, you old snickerdoodle witch. We're supposed to think with Nicolas Cage's master plan. I still don't know how he got it. Like, I'm very upset about this. He used a credit card, so he bought two.

I mean, that's really the only plausible explanation. Yeah, I think that's the explanation. Well, no, I don't like it. Oh, man. So we see that they've got some, they've got these letters from Silence Do Good. I mean, and this is real American history, et cetera, et cetera.

Yeah, yeah. Benjamin taking an air bath Franklin. Yeah. Maybe that's why the Marie Antoinette lady was there cause he liked to fuck those French girls. Sure. Yeah. And like kind of mildly sexual assault his staff

by taking air baths in the backyard of his home. You should be allowed to be naked in your own backyard. Yeah, but I think there were ulterior motives to Mr. Benjamin Franklin. What about Benjamin Franklin Gates? Probably. Probably. I'm surprised I haven't seen Nick Cage's dick.

I feel like that should have come out at some point. I'll Google image search it. I won't. No, don't, because I lost you that one episode to Michael Fassbender's penis. Everyone should get lost in Michael Fassbender's penis every now and then. I don't know. Sean Bean is just circling things on a legal pad. And saying, but why is silence capitalized? And this one thug goes, because it's important.

Because it's a name. But also you capitalized it Sean Bean. You wrote it right there. So all Nick Cage can think to do is go visit John Voight. Because John Voight has the Silence Do Good Letter originals. Right. Yeah. He knocks on the door, he says, Dad, I'm in trouble.

And the first thing John Voight says, is she pregnant? He's like a 45 year old man. If a 45 year old man gets a woman pregnant, it's not the same as like a teenager. That's what we're going to say. It should be celebrated. It should be celebrated. Celebrate his old ass sperm. Look, it's still swimming. What'd you use? Hams? Oh, I have an update for you. So not native,

but the other one loom, the full body deodorant. Yeah, yeah. I recently had the opportunity to smell some of it. Okay. And it smells like roses and then finishes with pussy. It just smells like fucking sweaty pussy. And I thought, I'm doing this on my own, yes. Out, it's like a lotion.

It's roses and then just sweaty pussy. I mean, that's a pro tip for everybody out there that's just, you know, lonely. Yeah. Get a little bit of that stuff, rub it on the other hand and take care of it. Pretend it's a sweaty pussy, it's really not good. That's hilarious.

Yeah. This episode not brought to you by Loom. I saw another one of those native ads. I was watching something on YouTube and this woman was like, let me talk to you about my workout day where I use native to wash afterwards. And she's like, of course it was leg day,

opens her like gym shorts and looks down and goes, ugh. I was like, what is everyone doing? What is growing? If something is growing on you, if there's a visible stink. This thing, this old stink box. Let me go rub fucking Girl Scout cookies sent on it, which should be illegal. Should be illegal.

I want to make my genitals smell like Girl Scout cookies. I mean, to attract whom? I don't know. Boy Scouts? I want to make my genitals smell like Girl Scout cookies. I mean- To attract whom? I don't know. Boy Scouts? Anyway, we're back at John Voight's house. Oh man, and so they've got to like get the Declaration of Independence and see if they can figure out what's on the back of it.

And they can't let him know it's the Declaration of Independence. But they also have to snipe at each other. Sure. Because he's like, I had a baby, what did you ever have? Nicholas Cage is like, I didn't get her pregnant. So there's that. It just gets very personal very quickly. It's very weird. So they're applying lemon juice to the Declaration of Independence and John Voight is like chirping in with helpful information as he walks by and just like. He walks by while wearing a bathrobe

over a flannel button up shirt that has pens in the pocket. Are you comfortable? That's what bathrobes are for, go on. He was gonna go wash Jenny's with native. He's like, you gotta put heat on it. So what heat do they apply to it, Katie? They both breathe on it. Gross.

Couldn't you just like rub it with your hand? What I love about this scene is in this movie, that's foreplay. Yes. They're both like, ah, would you have onions? Delicious. So John Voight realizes it's the Declaration of Independence

and that his son has stolen it. And he says, you pulled me into all this. And Nicholas Cage says, well, we can't have that. And I hoped to God he was just gonna pull out a gun and shoot John Voight right in the head. Oh man, it's an Oetendorf cipher. Well, obviously. On the back of the Declaration of Independence.

Which is like the page, line, and letter of a book. You got it, you got it. But I'm too bored for this already. But Dad doesn't have the letters because he gave them to the Franklin Institute. Right. So now we're off to Philadelphia, which in this movie takes hours and hours to

get to outside of DC. No, it takes like two and a half. Two. Yes. Pretty close. Pretty close. And on this trip, Riley is all of a sudden like a baby, but their baby. Like he's like, Danny, mommy, Danny, I'm cold. This car smells weird. Shut up. So there's, they've got this little boy counting letters for them. Why can't Riley just go in? Because they know that Ian is looking out for him.

Oh, it's Ian that's looking for him, not the police. Okay, okay, okay. Meanwhile, the kid like almost trips and runs into Sean Bean and Sean Bean just, and he's like, oh, I'm sorry. And Sean Bean just smiles benevolently at him. And you're like, it's not that bad. He's like, no, no problem.

Get him a grite. He's just like, no, I was really polite of him. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, good thing they happen to be here at the same time. Yeah. But then when the kid almost runs into Sean Bean and then Sean Bean's like, hey, a kid?

I know what they're doing. They're using a kid. So they have to run to Urban Outfitters to get new outfits. And the cashier's being like real short with them, and I was like, no, I'm on her side. These people are fucking annoying. Also, Urban Outfitters, such a weird choice to go get a new entire new wardrobe.

I mean, what year is this? 2004? Yeah. Yeah. That's like hip hip up market. And I've been to that urban outfitters in Philadelphia. Really? Do you get anything good there?

No, no, no. No clothes for fatty. Um, but, uh, uh, I, but I was thinking about it. I was like, fuck, I, I lived right there in 2004 and I don't remember this movie being filmed. You don't remember Nicholas cage stealing the declaration of. No, I figured I would have heard about that. Seriously. Big news. So Nicholas cage is like, Hey, can I have that a hundred dollar bill back that I gave you? And she's like, absolutely not. Get the fuck out of here. You're weird old man. That is an actual scam that people do.

Where they like, they'll pay you with money and then they'll ask for it back because they wanna make change and then they end up, it's just, they confuse the cashier. It happened to people at the bagel shop where I worked. Really? I feel like people used to try to run that shit at borders

and it was like, dog, I don't have access to anything. It's fine. Yeah, you just take it. You can't scam me. Just get out of here. So he gets the $100 bill back and he's like, ah, because there's some clue that's like time and a dippity dappity.

And he's like, oh, let me look at the clock on the back of the $100 bill. And the clock is set to 2 22. But why, Alan? What is the conspiracy? What does it mean? Here's what's weird. Is the clock on the back of a hundred dollar bill has had two different times on them? Oh, four 10. It was like, you're so close. So fucking close.

Just missed it. And 10 30 never two 22. And I was like, well, why do they have to do that thing? Why'd they change that? I don't know. I just wrote, I can't tell analog time. I forgot that about you. Very smart, but I missed that day of second grade. I will work with you on it. I think it's an important skill to have.

No, Lucy will be in second grade next year, so I'm thinking when she learns, I'll learn. I love that. Mom, what does this mean? I don't know, we're gonna learn together. Ask your dad. So they go to Google Stoweow and they're like the first, or no, they don't Google it. They Yahoo search it. Yahoo search it. RIP.

They're like the first result was the Liberty bell. No, the first fucking result would be a dictionary definition of Stow. You fucking idiots. Well, sorry. I'm sorry. Did you Yahoo search that because maybe that's why that's a failed search engine. I really like calling it Yahoo. Yahoo. Yahoo. You guys are acting like a bunch of YAHOOs. Bunch of YAHOOs over there.

So they just go over to where the Liberty Bell used to be. In Independence Hall. And start scraping the damn brick. You can't do that. Yeah, they have to go up into a chapel or into a bell tower and then look down and they see you're across it. And he's like, Hey, I'm going to go and just pull an entire brick out with a pen knife. And there's a symbol etched into a brick.

No one's noticed that before. Just Nicholas Gage. Come on, my dude. Who would notice a Masonic symbol? They're so hard to identify. And also I was like, Oh man, that's back when the Liberty bell used to be free to touch it. Yeah.

But tell you some crazy person hit with a hammer, right? Maybe some Yahoo. Maybe some Yahoo. What's he finding the brick? Oh, glasses, Ben Franklin's glasses. But he also, while they have the Declaration of Independence in Independence Hall, he's like, the last time this was here, it was getting signed.

And he looks like he has a boner. It's so upsetting. She's like, wow, he's getting really hard about this. And you know what? I'm a little damp. You know what? I'm wet. I'm wet for the Declaration of Independence.

Sorry, is that roses? No, that's me. It smells like roses and sweaty pussy. Very strange. Maybe if you put two sweaty pussy scents together, they cancel each other out. Sweaty pussy on sweaty pussy is just a neutral. Yeah, yeah, it's like acid base. I'm glad we're doing this on the Patreon.

Glad we're doing this where people pay for it. They love pussy talk. Yeah, they do. Oh man, I do kind of like that he's a declaration of independence geek though. I found that kind of endearing. Sorry. Also, the amount of times they're rolling up and unrolling the decoration of independence,

it's going to disintegrate. Destroyed. They also just like are wandering into traffic and I was like, you don't do that in Philly. No. They'll hit you. Missy and I were watching this together and I was like, she's like, I don't believe that's Philly. No one has honked yet.

Nope. No one has given you the finger yet. Yeah. Or next time I'll hit you or any of these number. Let me get that bike. Which was the thing I heard a lot biking around Philadelphia. I do love Reading Terminal Market. Same. Yeah. So good. So good. Yeah. A lot of great food in there. Nice. Go buy my veggies there. Go buy your veggies there. Yeah. Cause I live like two blocks away from

it. Get a nice egg roll. Got a vegan cheesesteak from that one vegan cheesesteak place that was there. There's probably like 14 of them now. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's a cool spot. It is probably still. Oh yeah, for sure.

But they're just firing guns in Center City midday. In the cemetery. Right. Blowing apart these ancient headstones. Great job, idiots. Also, Nicolas Cage runs like his butt hurts. He's got a Keanu Reevesian run to himself. It's just like, what's wrong with your butt?

So the tube gets tossed that the Declaration of Independence is because what's her face falls Abigail Chase and Sean Bean and his baggy ass trousers are there to pick them up. My note here says Sean Bean and his ill fitting slacks have gotten the treasure map. He's like slacks are so baggy at the bottom that they're dragging under his heels.

Like you would wear your pants in the 90s, you know? Oh yeah, I was just thinking of college girls in the 90s. Like, ugh, so gross. Just like all torn up and- Yeah, just like dirty with contagions walking around. Yeah, and also around here, you would just get the salt stains that would go all the way back up your calf.

Like, what are y'all doing? Not washing those. There's no worse feeling than putting on a clean pair of jeans. No, no, disgusting. So you're just like, this is not my body. Who did this to my body? This is not my beautiful wife.

No. So. But Nicolas Cage gets an ad by Harvey Keitel. Right, because he stupidly goes back to the car that they stole from his dad. Yeah, and then Harvey Keitel salutes him. Why? He says, hello, Mr. Gates, and salutes him.

Well, fellow man of service. They both had campaign buttons. I see. So Abigail, Chase, and Riley are like, yeah, just walk away. These two bozos have to figure it out. And they get a, he gets a call from Ian, Nicholas Cage does. And Sean's being like, meet me on the deck of the doopity-doo. And Harvey Keitel says, someone's got to go to prison, Ben, which felt like such an American microcosm, you know?

Someone's got to go to prison. They say that line a couple of times. Yeah. It's really a bummer. Almost like the justicism isn't about justice. Do you think it might be broken? Today, Donald Trump was convicted on 34 counts of felonies.

34 counts of felonies, close enough. Close enough. Yeah, 34 times felon. 34 times, 34x. Are you just one felon 34 times or you're 34 times the felon? I think the first. Yeah, these percents.

So they go to this ship in New York City. This aircraft carrier. Yeah. And I was like, hey, where are the, oh yeah, it's 2004. So they go to this ship in New York City. Yeah. And I was like, Hey, where the, Oh yeah. It's 2004. Uh, and I legit was like, Oh man, this is gonna, Oh no, they're already gone. They're already gone. Um, cause I love seeing old movies that have the, the world traits. I hate it. It makes me uncomfortable. I feel like I, I feel like I shouldn't be allowed to look at them.

I see such an important part of my childhood. Not really. You were 27 years old when those planes hit those buildings. How does Sean Bean know about the glasses? Huh? Ma'am? Sir? What do you mean? Why wouldn't he know about the glasses? Why would he? Why wouldn't he know about the glasses? All right, all right, all right, all right.

Wait, doesn't Nicolas Cage show him the glasses or something? He's like, no, when they see each other, he's like, where are the glasses? Oh, that's right. How do you fucking know about the glasses? Yeah. He read the script. Okay, that's fair.

He read it. that's fair. He read it. That's fair. So, Cage jumps off the aircraft carrier and everyone's like, damn dude, you could have died. Why the fuck did you do that? That was really fucking stupid. But luckily there were scuba men's waiting for him in the river.

There were. And he is looking at the Declaration of Independence again with the glasses. And this is where we learned that Broadway used to be called Hare Street. And Wall Street used to have an actual wall. Here at the wall. Yes, here at the wall.

And there's like a Celtic knot. Right. Okay. I wrote, I don't know, I just don't know. Well, it's the Trinity knot. Is that different than a Celtic knot? Yeah, yeah, I mean, the Celtic knot work is just a style of art.

Shut up, Alan. This is what I mean. Nobody fucking tell me facts. So they've got John Voight in on this whole thing now. Yes. So John Voight has been kidnapped by Sean Bean now. This is Sean Bean's second kidnapping of the film. He's a bad man. To which I was like, fuck John Voight.

Nobody likes him. Even though he says good riddance. Let him die. Yeah. Oh. Maybe this is more of a commentary on us than it is on the movie. Just wanting our fathers dead. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh. So they've got dad, they've got the church, they've got the map, they're going in. I was hoping they were just gonna drill down into the floor of the church, they've got the map, they're going in. I was hoping they were just gonna drill down into the floor of the church. I was really excited about that.

I do, I think after going to Nolens, I always wanna get into one of them crips. You should try it. And they get to get one of them crips. Yeah. They break open a crypt and get into it. Meanwhile, John Foy Floyd pulls Nicolas Cage aside and says something like,

cooperation only works as long as we have the status quo. We need to find a way to make the status quo change in our favor. Not how status quo works. It's not what status quo means. I feel like that's a commentary on American foreign policy. Yeah, you could be right about that. You could be right about that. You could be right about that.

For all of you, I think you should leave fans out there. There's a coffin flop in this where they pull the coffin out and the body falls off the bottom of it. There's a whole bit about coffin flops on that show. Great. Very funny. Yeah, but there's some Goonie style skeletons.

Yes, this movie gets very Goonies right now. Yeah. Because they have to crawl into the mausoleum sarcophagi. Yep. There's still 30 fucking minutes left. And then Nicholas cage and Diane Krueger kiss and I'm grossed out by it. Well, luckily he doesn't ask her. He just kisses her because, you know, he told her to shut up a bunch. So she's probably horned up for him, but he gave her a campaign button.

He's so ill. I'll have a note that says this is like adult Goonies. So they climb into the thing and they end up in a big ass room with a chandelier. Yep. That goes way far down and it's rickety wooden steps. So now it's feeling like an Indiana Jones. It totally is.

It's a very temple of doom. And there's elevators, but they choose to take the steps rather than the elevators. Well, they gotta get their steps in. Get your 10,000 a day. It's true. Yeah. So they start going down

and then one of the guys falls through. Rip that guy, but there were too many henchmen to make it out. It's true. And Nicholas Cage and Dr. Abigail Chase get into a thing where he has to drop her to get the declaration of independence saved. Yeah.

But like he does it in such a way that they're both safe. Right. And she says, I would have done the same thing to you. He says, do you trust me? And she goes, yes. And I was like, why? Well, he forced himself on her. So of course she'll trust. Fair enough. Is it forcing himself on her if she likes it? I think that we just cannot believe anyone would be attracted to Nicholas Cage. That's what this whole thing hinges on. I can't believe he'd be attracted to someone who

demonstrably doesn't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. Poop on everything. At the very least, she got piss-pall. She got piss-pall. Yeah, she's using probably like one square of toilet paper. She's soaking through it, and then just walking out of there. Just blows on it.

Done. Needs heat. Dry it up. Oh, heat. Dry it up. Oh man, so it's a dead end. And they're like, we're not gonna be able to get in there. It's all done, everything's finished. Right. And he's like, you have to get in Nicholas Cage.

It's like, oh no, here's another clue. You gotta go to Boston. Yes, there's the old North church in Boston. One if by land, two if by sea. Yeah. It's a phrase that always sounds like poetry to me. Sure. Yeah, it's very poetic. I really like it. But he says the opposite. Yeah. Yes, he says it incorrectly. And Sean Bean is like, well, hell, I'm going to Boston. I haven't known if this is, imagine having to do all this and still having to go to Boston.

Oh, God, just having to go to Boston is the worst. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. This is just an adventure around the mid-Atlantic and Northeast seaboard, huh? Ha ha ha ha. We have to stop in Providence. So the Sean Bean and the Hench people leave them behind.

And they're all, and Riley's like, we're gonna die in here. I like your gender inclusivity the hench people leave them behind and Riley's like, we're gonna die in here. I like your gender inclusivity on hench people. I don't know how they identify. No, you're right. And dad caught the flippin' of the two if by and one if by. And Nicholas Cage is like, yeah, there's another clue. The all seeing eye. The all seeing eye, more Mason shit.

And so Nicholas Cage says, there'll be another way out through the treasure room. But does that mean there was a direct way into the treasure room then also? Huh? Yeah. Get some out real quick. And also when they get there,

they think the treasure is gone, but they're all sort of happy because of the real treasure was the friends they made along the way, which like, can't overstate how terrible that is. But on some level, and this is why it shows up at so many of them, it's a good lesson for kids to learn. No, this is a movie ostensibly about greed. Sure. Yeah. 100%. And don't worry. It pays off. I mean,

do whatever you have to do to get yours is what this movie teaches us. But he's like, I'm going to keep hunting. And she's like, I'm in. And it's like, yeah, because you don't have a fucking job anymore. Yeah, no. And you're like irreparably horny for this man. Imagine being irreparably horny for like a mid forties Nicholas Cage. Going record, I don't think anyone's ever said irreparably horny before in the English language. I do think that we should get a t-shirt.

Werewolf ambulance, irreparably horny. I'm irreparably horny for werewolf ambulance and I'm like, oh, the stupid t-shirt. Justin, Justin, please. Will you ask him? Sure. Thank you. Fuck it. They find the fucking treasure. Yes, they get all the treasure. It's really huge. It's even bigger than you could imagine. There's endless fire to show you all the treasure. Right. He almost burns the whole damn place down. This whole area is made of the driest wood that's ever existed. And like we are told, we are to believe that Ian Sean Bean wanted to steal this all for

personal gain. Yeah. But it's like, how was he going to take any of this out of there? What was his plan? You know, it'd be his treasure. I guess so. Yeah. Possession, not intent to the law.

And dumb, dumb Riley is standing in front of like a sarcophagus being like, it's a big blue man and I think that's important, kill yourself. That was because he made an ancient aliens reference earlier on in the movie. Okay, well that I did not catch. But it's like, that's not a lot of payoff. That's like a little bit of payoff to Ben Jo. How can there be 14 more minutes?

So Harvey Keitel catches them when they're crawling out of the crawl hole. And they're like, he's like, somebody's gotta go to jail for this. And Nicholas Cage is like, well, okay, I'll give you someone who could go to jail for this so I don't have to go to jail for the fucking crimes that I did. He just throws someone else under the bus for the crime. Sure. Yeah. Yeah. But also he's like speaking respectfully about the Declaration

of Independence to Harvey Keitel and Dr. Abigail Chase is like, Oh my God, I'm so fucking wet for him. And Harvey Keitel gets a little chub while he's hearing this. He does. Everybody is turned the fuck on. They are irreparably horny by the Declaration of Independence being treated with respect. Yes, and the aforementioned when she's looking at the scrolls and she goes, Library of Alexandria. They're just scrolls. How could you possibly know who tagged them that? How the fuck did they burnt that thing down? Seriously. Read a history book, Dr. Abigail J. Jesus Christ. And Harvey Keitel is a Freemason. We learned by him wearing the Masonic ring.

I did not learn that, but thank you. And then cut to- Wait, is it still a secret society? Cause if you're wearing the ring, it's not all that secret. No, is it still a secret society? Because if you're wearing the ring, it's not all that secret. No, it's not a secret society. You're not supposed to talk about it. Then why wear the jewelry?

Be so that other masons know that you're down with the sickness. Yeah, but everybody knows you're down with the sickness. Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. It's not smart. It's one of those things where we're smart people, you're not smart people, it's fine. Yeah. My dad is one, so. Oh, that's one of those things where like, we're smart people, you're not smart people, it's fine. Yeah.

My dad is one, so. That's right, I did forget that. I weirdly know a lot of shit about this shit. But I guess he didn't do a very good job of keeping it secret, keeping it safe. He really wanted me to become one, and I was like, yeah, I'm not a joiner, pup. Not too late.

No, it's not, I'm prime age. You're prime age. So cut to, they're safe, it's not. I'm prime age. You're prime age. So cut to they're safe. Ian's going to jail. They're at this palatial estate that they've purchased. Riley has a Ferrari, I guess. And the seats in the car are all chewed up. Did you notice that?

They were like had little puncture holes in them. He was probably sleeping in the back and biting him in a dream. Like there's a back seat in a Ferrari. That's where I lost my virginity in the back seat of a Ferrari. It hurts so much. That's because no one's ever stolen the map for the decoration of independence with you. That's right. So these two are together now.

Ugh, the kiss, ugh. And then she gives him a map and he said, what's it to? And she starts running away from him and goes, you'll find out. It's a map to her pussy. It's full of loom that smells like pussy. And that is National Loom Treasure. Can I read you my last note?

Please. Thank God that's over. I thought it was so fun. I think I just needed like lighthearted stupidity. I think I'm just really tired. Sure, yeah, no doubt. When did you watch this movie? Yesterday.

Okay, now like five o'clock in the morning. No, in the morning. Okay, all right, all right, all right. Ask me when I watch Zombieland. This morning? Yeah, dude. Oh, preview for the review of Zombieland. watch a zombie land this morning. Yeah, dude. Oh, preview for the review of zombie.

We'll say, we will say, thank you so much for choosing national treasure from me at least. Yeah. I mean, no, it was actually fairly enjoyable. I just, I just kept being like, but what, but how, but where, but come on. He's not that smart. I think it was just nice to be back in the world of like stupid 12 year old boys. Yeah.

And like what they think a movie would be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fair enough. Yeah. And so it was just, it's a warm little blanket of telling women to shut the fuck up. Love that for them. So thank you so much for being Patrons.

And get on RT Public and buy our new shirt. I'm irreparably horny for wear off ambulance and all I got was this lousy T-shirt. Ooh, lousy is better than stupid for sure. Oh yeah, we don't say stupid. Filled with louse. Lousy. You guys are the best, thank you so much.

We love you all, happy summer, happy Trump got convicted day. Hallelujah. To all who celebrate. To love you all. Happy summer. Happy Trump got convicted today. Hallelujah. To all who celebrate. To all who celebrate. And if you don't, you're not listening. Yeah. Uh, you're certainly not giving us your money. We've eliminated you. Oh, and frankly, I'm glad. Uh, and, uh, tell your friends you love them. You don't hear that singing? No. It's a woman singing. Oh, was it beautiful? No, it was eerie. All right, well, we're going to go get killed by a singing ghost.

See you guys later. What the fuck, man? Woo. Woo. Boo. They're not, we're on the third floor. They're not around. Alan!

Okay, go. Alan. Katie. Alan! Alan! Okay, go. Alan. Katie. I need to read you a Google card that came up on my Google feed. I love this.

From 13 hours ago, movie web. National Treasure Three will see all principal actors return and feature Sean Bean as villain. Y'all should have voted for it. You should have voted for it. Now you'll never know. I made Alan start recording again. I'm gonna stop it now and tack it on the end of that episode.

Great. You