Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - A Solo Episode during the quarantine

Episode Date: March 27, 2020

Santino sits down with himself to ramble to the camera about his new obsession with Tiger King, yelling at people for hoarding toilet paper, goes through his playlist, getting drunk and playing the ga...me of LIFE and tells an old tale about his favorite never seen prank and showing love to those that are sacrificing their lives to save ours. STAY HEALTHY AND SAFE! TICKETS AT http://www.andrewsantino.com/ ALL STANDUP DATES ARE CHANGING AS WE SPEAK AND GET THROUGH THIS THING. JOIN OUR PATREON!!! : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast BUY SOME MERCH: https://shop-andrew-santino.myshopify.com FOLLOW CHEETO: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ FOLLOW CHEETO TWITTER: https://Twitter.com/cheetosantino FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER ON INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER ON TWITTER: https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Develop your own beautiful website, go to https://www.squarespace.com and use promo code WHISKEY to get 10% OFF your first site! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Transcript
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Starting point is 00:00:00 What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining, as I say all the time, please subscribe, share, tell people about it on the Twitters, on the Instagrams, on the intro webs, wherever you like to share stuff. Of course, I usually plug dates here at the website, which is andrewsantino.com, which usually has all the information for where I'm going to be doing stand-up. Unfortunately, the tour has been canceled indefinitely.
Starting point is 00:00:23 We don't know when we're going to put stuff back up we do have tickets that are being rescheduled rearranged Chicago of course got moved to July Cleveland and Cincinnati got moved to July slash in August Dallas is going to be at the end of the year we're moving stuff around but I can't officially release dates here
Starting point is 00:00:40 because they're not cement yet because we don't know what's going to go on stay safe out there in the meantime we go to andrewsantino.com here because they're not cement yet because we don't know what's going to go on. Stay safe out there. In the meantime, we go to andresantino.com if you want to see the Patreon where I put up live videos and do live interactive chats with people on a private YouTube
Starting point is 00:00:53 as well as the merch store where you can get great merch. I think we're doing discounts right now. I put up some links on Twitter and stuff you can find to get cool merch. Go to the Patreon you can also you can also just watch some other Red Rocket stuff that's up there
Starting point is 00:01:10 when we put stuff up there and in the meantime thank you for joining us and I should say us as in me because it's me this week because of what's going on I'll stop rambling and let's enjoy the episode with myself.
Starting point is 00:01:25 Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an incredible place for you to get templates to make your website to host whatever it is you like to do, whether it's make and sell products online, whether it's to host a bunch of different art that you want to put up there for the world to see. You can either design stuff on your own or you can use templates that they prearrange for you and that they've got for your use.
Starting point is 00:01:48 I've used Squarespace multiple different times for different websites that I've changed over the years. It's awesome. It's incredible. It's very user-friendly. I will say I'm a sucker. I always use what they give me because I'm a dummy. I'm a dumb person, and I don't know how to creatively make up stuff on my own when it comes to website design. So I will just use what they have because what they have is pretty impressive to say the least. They're beautiful templates and they're world-class designers that put them together. It has powerful e-commerce functionality. It can let you sell at a very high rate that doesn't impede on getting the products to the people that need it. And it's such a good way to buy domains to capture what you're looking to push out to the world and let
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Starting point is 00:02:52 Now, on to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $ in the ginger beer. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.
Starting point is 00:03:07 Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again.
Starting point is 00:03:25 Today it is Andrew Santino. Hey, hey, hi, it's me. It's me doing a solo today. We're doing a solo episode due to the circumstances that's going on with Missio Covid, Covid, with COVID-19, man. So I'm gonna be talking sweet and softly into your ear for an hour or so while I sip a big old honking glass of Buffalo Trace, because that's what I like to do
Starting point is 00:03:44 to calm my nerves and my brain. It's been tough. It's been a crazy weird week and a half, two weeks. Of course, I was in Chicago when a show got canceled and I had to jet home as fast as I could. And now it's been sitting around the house cleaning, then panicking about what I read on the internet, then cleaning more, then panicking more,
Starting point is 00:04:03 sleeping, napping, eating, going for jogs, I'm working out. I see a lot of people posting workout videos. A lot, I'm not gonna call out some of my friends. A lot of people be posting those workout videos and I gotta tell you, it's a little fucking annoying. It's super annoying. I'm taking a sip.
Starting point is 00:04:18 Mm-hmm. If you're drinking at home, that should be the drinking game. Drink with me every time I take a sip. You should take a sip. Yeah, I'm not gonna lie. It's pretty annoying to see your friends doing these home workout videos. I like working out. I'm trying to do it at the house as much as I can. I also don't know if I need to see you doing it every day. I'm sorry. I don't know if I need to watch you
Starting point is 00:04:39 in your guest bedroom lifting up different pieces of furniture. This is how you can really get tone. So if you just grab like one of these flower pots, usually like two to four pounds, and you can lift it. You can do squats. You can act as a kettlebell, kettle pot. Isn't that the pot calling the kettlebell black and I'm at home? It's annoying. I don't need to see you. I got challenged the other day by Kendra Lust to do a booty photo on Hump Day Wednesday Challenge. That's funny. I'll put my tushy out on the internet for a laugh. I just don't want to show you me running and working out in my house because it's embarrassing. It just looks weird. I was dancing the other day.
Starting point is 00:05:21 I put on Diplo's radio on Spotify and I was just dancing in the room, jumping up and down and doing like up-downs, and, you know, I looked like a moron. And for fun, I was going to record it, put it up on an Insta story, you know, to show how stupid I look, and even that I couldn't do because I was like, you look so, so beyond dumb doing a workout by yourself and recording it. I just can't. I can't join. I cannot join. I apologize. I got to sit out. I'm going to sit out on this one, coach.
Starting point is 00:05:54 No, I'm going to take a seat. So I had to sit out and relax. But I hope people are finding ways to entertain themselves. Of course, I don't have a guest this week. Maybe I'll have one next week, maybe the next week. I don't know, man. It's kind of uncertainty right now. A lot of people have been dropping out.
Starting point is 00:06:10 A lot of people are nervous. A lot of people have families. I understand that completely wholeheartedly. I'm even tempted to not do these anymore with guests. Maybe just do a couple of weeks of solo. Maybe do a phoner. I'm trying to put it all together just like you guys are. So a lot of people are probably like, what's up, man? No guest. I don't really like solo.
Starting point is 00:06:29 That's fine. I'm sorry. There's nothing I can do. This is kind of a dire circumstance. It's a national slash international emergency. I read on the computer the other day that 20,000 people died and that just shocked me. And I don't want to get into the depths of COVID because I know people are trying to listen to this stuff to hopefully bring them a little bit of joy in a time that's whack. But you know, it's daunting to say the least. Let's just say that it's daunting. It's sad. It's disgusting. I hope we make it out of this on the good side. And it's scary and sad. but that being said, stop posting workout videos, dude, I don't want to see it, in the meantime, the world has taken a very big liking to the Tiger King, just incredible, what a documentary, what a series, how bad do you
Starting point is 00:07:21 want to see a follow-up, I mean god Joe Exotic in jail you know it's just it's so much ripe material there I can't wait to see what Doc Anteel I mean this guy is a predatorial sex monger who I always say this when me and the old bag are watching stuff I'm always I'm always like who fucks that guy who fucks that guy somebody fucks that guy? Who fucks that guy? Somebody fucks that ponytailed, weirdo, fat, out of shape, megalomaniac who's manipulated these poor young girls into thinking that he's got something. I just, I can't, it's really hard for me to wrap my head around. But we ripped right through that. I had to watch it. It was so mesmerizing. It was just, I couldn't stop, dude. It screamed Florida, but it mostly took place in Oklahoma, which is ironic. It screamed Bert Kreischer. It screamed
Starting point is 00:08:11 Kreischerisms, Kreischer lifestyle, you know? I love how they like conveniently left out how much meth was being used. Did you find that fascinating? The amount of meth that was being used to turn two boys who were not gay into being gay. Spoiler alert if you haven't seen. But if you haven't seen, like, You're Bad, I guess. It's incredible. Like, watch it. It's already out there.
Starting point is 00:08:34 But, yeah, I mean, the meth was such an underappreciated piece of this puzzle that really kind of manipulated the entire storyline that they didn't really get into, which I found strange. Also, I was listening to a ton of Joe Exotic's music videos on YouTube. This shit slaps. Joe Exotic music videos slap. They fucking hit, dude. Hear Kitty Kitty. I love that shit. Hear Kitty Kitty is dope. I guarantee you when World War Quarantine is over, we're going to be hearing Hear Kitty Kitty in the bars without it out. And if you're a DJ and you're not remixing
Starting point is 00:09:09 a Hear Kitty Kitty right now, shame on you. You're a dumb guy. Because Hear Kitty Kitty is perfect for the club. Perfect for the club. I know I usually also mention music during the solos because I like to hear what you guys like.
Starting point is 00:09:26 A lot of people are like, I can't believe he knows about underground hip-hop or old school hip-hop, that was what I loved more than anything, and that was kind of what my whole life focus was for a long time, I also said on the last podcast with Ademiga that Zia Records was closed down, someone was like, it's still open, asshole, I didn't know, I thought it was closed. I just assumed like everything else in Tempe had been murdered and demolished to the ground. That entire town in Phoenix has been just obliterated. It looks like a different world every time I go back. There was this great place that we used to go get drive-thru kegs, drive-thru beer. And God, I wish I could remember the name of it, but that always made me smile. I was buying underage alcohol on a drive-thru. It's just such a, what a wonderful thing to have access to as an underage kid was alcohol in a drive-thru. We would drive up to the window.
Starting point is 00:10:16 They would, a young, a young, you know, kid whose dad owned the spot would check your ID very, very, you know, quickly, uh, half-assed and hand it back to you. And then we would get kegs of Keystone light or Natty. You could get Natty or Keystone. And we had a kegerator fridge that my old roommate, uh, stupid fat Mark, he built. He drilled a hole in this old fridge he bought from our landlord. And we had a secondary fridge in our, in our party party room and he turned into a kegerator. And when you came over, you just had to put, there was just a bucket on top of the fridge that said, you know, you drink a beer, throw in a dollar. That was kind of a reasonable thing to do. You know, if you're going to have a beer out of the kick, throw in a dollar. And by
Starting point is 00:10:55 the end, we'd have 30 or 40 bucks in the bucket. And that was about the price of a keg back then of Natty or Keystone was, I think it was 49.99. 50 or 60 bucks was right around what it was. But we'd go get them from these drive-thrus. And they just wanted the business, man. They were literally just on the kiss of the campus right outside. So they knew it was just getting all underage college kids. But they were so cool about it.
Starting point is 00:11:16 They didn't care. I used to love buying underage. God bless. God bless drive-thru liquor stores. Let me tell you guys what I'm listening to now just so I can hear what you guys listen to in some of the comment sections and all that stuff and the replies I like to get online of like,
Starting point is 00:11:30 oh, I love that stuff too. DJ Pool Boy. I don't know if you guys know DJ Pool Boy. Pool, P-O-O-L, Boy, B-O-Y. DJ Pool Boy has a great song called It's Good to Hear Your Voice. It's very ominous and it's looming. I tend to listen to the music that's going to match the mood of what's happening in my life. And lately, of course, I've been a little bit drab, a little bit out of it.
Starting point is 00:11:48 Tycho, been listening to a lot of Tycho, T-Y-C-H-O. Love that. There's an incredible song by, I can't even pronounce this, Boogie, B-O-O-G-I-E, B-E-L-G-I-Q-U-E, and the song is called Goodnight Moon, and good God, is it a good, it's a great cut, DJ Snake is in here, a little bit of fortet, Fakir, or Fakir, I don't know how to pronounce it, I think it's Fakir, F-A-K-E-A-R, they're phenomenal, the heaviest grade, Caravan Palace, Odyssey. A little bit of Roddy Ricch for your boy. I got to have some of that stuff in there, man. Ali Bumbaye by The Game, which is a good throwback track I've thrown in recently.
Starting point is 00:12:35 Black Pumas I've thrown in recently. Again, Kygo came back too. R Plus. A little bit of Jim Croce if I want a little teardrop to come out when I sing. Operator, won't you help me place this call? Ted Nugent and Unknown Mortal Orchestra. I'm all over the map when somebody's like, what do you listen to? Everything Under the Sun, especially because I love to listen to different stuff when I run.
Starting point is 00:12:59 That's how I escape, you know? I like to get my jizzog on to get away from the internet. This has been such a massive internet intake. My intake valve for internet has been just overwhelmed, overloaded. I can't believe how much shit I'm looking at on the internet every single day. You know, every morning I wake up,
Starting point is 00:13:19 me and the old bag, we have breakfast, we have coffee, and I sit on the computer like a madman searching for, you know, some hope in the madness. And God, if I get another meme with that big black dude's dick, if I get one more of those, I'm going to be happy. I love it. Not even going to lie. Every time I get one of those memes with a big black guy's dick, it's my favorite. It's my favorite. It makes me laugh every time. I don't care what it is. Some of the best ones I've seen so far are, first of all, the crying Jordan meme with crying Jordan on his head. Whoa, is that clever. Whoever did that, very, very good. A couple of Trump press conferences
Starting point is 00:13:59 that turned into a video of him. Trump holding a piece of paper, flips it over, and it's the big black guy's dick. I mean, so much fun. I think his name is Meat, and he's passed away. R.I.P. R.I.P. R.I.P. Meat. He's gone to a better place, hopefully.
Starting point is 00:14:14 But man, when I get those, it just really changes my day. I know you guys are getting them, so I want you to send in some of your favorites. Go ahead, send it in to imasantinofan at gmail.com, because I really love, I want to make a big compilation folder of how many of these I get,
Starting point is 00:14:30 because God, they're so much fun, it's just so funny, and it's such a shitty time to like, you know, have a little piece of, have a little piece of comedy, penis comedy, you know, a little bit of dick comedy. Everybody likes a dick joke. That being said, I know he's passed away, and I don't think it's right to monetize off of his death, you know? But I do think it's nice to pass something around to that makes him immortal. That immortalizes
Starting point is 00:14:56 this guy. It solidifies him as you know, one of the greatest doesn't-this-make-you-feel-good-during-a-bad-time guy. You know? And I know it's a shitty time. It's a crazy time. It's wild. It's weird. I feel scared for my family. You know? Myself as well, I guess. I'm a little, I'm nervous
Starting point is 00:15:12 like anybody else is, but you know, you got members of your family that aren't as young as you and not like the age thing is the only thing. But good god, dude. You know what's really changed my perspective on everything is how many people rely on getting up and getting out and doing stuff that interact with a lot of people. A lot
Starting point is 00:15:32 of their jobs are with other people. Not everyone has the ability to do not only what I do, but to work from home or to work where they were kind of isolated already, where their income isn't dependent upon other people. You really begin to appreciate people like that. People in the medical field who have to rely on, their job is working with fucking people, specifically people that are sick. So thank God, God bless these people. Real, real, real talk. God bless these people that take time in their life to,
Starting point is 00:16:01 take time away from themselves, essentially just to help other people. You know, cops, firefighters, you know, medical professionals, these people, all they're doing, all they're doing is trying to do for you. You know, that's what's crazy. You know, we get a little ahead of ourselves.
Starting point is 00:16:15 We like to blame people for stuff. And, you know, we like to say shit that we probably don't mean just because of what's going on in the world. And good God, man, these people, all they're trying to do is give, is sacrifice, you is sacrifice for you, for you and for your health and safety.
Starting point is 00:16:29 It's commendable as shit, dude. I'm a stupid clown that tells stupid jokes. Thank God for these people that do that, because I don't know, man. We'd be lost without them. Even people that are just doing typical service for the public. Uber drivers are hurting right now. I watched a video about this poor woman. She just doing typical service for the public. Uber drivers are hurting right now. I watched a video about this poor woman. She just has her only source of income.
Starting point is 00:16:49 I've been trying to help. I've been donating to a few different places anonymously. I don't want my name attached to stuff. I think there's something weird about it for me personally. I like to just donate and walk away. I've been donating to a bunch of places that I feel like people could use the help. But I talk to a lot of fans, my I've been donating to a bunch of places that I feel like people could use the help, you know? But I talk to a lot of fans, my Patreon fans, and a lot of these people still have to work because they have jobs that they need to work. And everyone needs to work,
Starting point is 00:17:13 but they don't have a choice, you know? A lot of people that are lucky have a choice. And, you know, a couple of people in the Patreon, they're like, bro, I got it. This is like, you know, the society is dependent upon it. So, and I know I said I wasn't going to get into it, but good God, it's prevalent. What can you do? You know, what can you do? It's prevalent. It's something to chat about. Let me have one more sip of the sauce. Let me lay out a little bit. Hold on. This stuff is great jazz.
Starting point is 00:17:41 It's always nice to have a little bit of sauce at the end of the day, I really do like it, after I finish all my tasks, right, I feel proud, something about the moon, I've talked about it before, something about the moon, as soon as the moon comes out, it's like, go ahead, pour yourself a drink, you're like, what are you doing, moon, he's like, listen, you had a long day, I know it's been tough, do yourself a favor, grab some ice cubes. Throw it in a glass. Grab your bottle of sauce. Have a sip. And I'm like, Moon, are you sure? I feel like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't argue. Just have a sip. And I do. I like moon drinking better than sun drinking. Day drinking is not my favorite. I'll do it. I'll do it. I'll do it, but it's not my favorite. Like Rogan always calls me a booze hound, you know? I don't know. I like the sauce,
Starting point is 00:18:31 but I don't do it in the middle of the day when I should be doing other things. This is my nighttime routine. And sometimes daytime routine depending on if there's a sporting event going on. I'll never not have a beer at a baseball game or a football game or a basketball game. It's impossible.
Starting point is 00:18:47 It's impossible for me to not want to have a drink at a sporting event. It's a bonding experience. Last time we went to a sporting event live, I was in New Orleans where I chipped my tooth, doing mushrooms, chipped a tooth in New Orleans, and we got so tanked, my buddy Jim fell asleep at the
Starting point is 00:19:05 basketball game. You big goof. He passed out in the middle of the game. And then we took mushrooms again that night and went out and he was joking about falling asleep at the game. He was like, what? I don't, I didn't, you know, I was, I was drunk. I didn't care. Love that. Love that. That's why day drinking's tough. It's hard to last. Slamming shots and playing beer pong, you know? I hadn't been to a bachelor party in a long time. It was a wild ride for me.
Starting point is 00:19:34 Bachelor parties are... Usually bachelor parties suck. How about that? Usually they suck. Usually they're garbage. They're annoying. There's always one or two dudes in the group that you're like that guy sucks why is he here why is he here but this was great everyone was dope it was very
Starting point is 00:19:53 rare it was very similar to a time we went i went out to catalina island with a bunch of people if you're if you ever come to southern california and you want to really have a beautiful experience go to catalina island it's a little island. You know, I don't know how long the boat ride is. Maybe 40 minutes, 30 minutes. I don't even know. But it's beautiful. And we went out there with a bunch of people.
Starting point is 00:20:14 And we had fun. We called it Get Along Island because everyone was getting. It was great. Everyone was contributing. Pitching in money and drugs and booze and food. Just having a good time. But Catalina is great. It's where the Chicago Cubs used to play spring training.
Starting point is 00:20:27 The Wrigley family moved out here a long time ago. He owns a property on Sunset Boulevard. If you ever want to see Chicago Cubs used to play spring training on Catalina, you can go take a boat ride out there and take a golf cart to the backside of the island. You can actually see where they used to play. Highly recommend Catalina. Makes me think, man, I could retire out here. And then I think, yeah, but you're stuck on an island
Starting point is 00:20:43 that's super, super small. If one big wave hits, you're fucked. No thanks. Having a couple of these because I'm not drinking and driving. So I might have six or seven. Who knows? No, I probably won't. Probably have four or five.
Starting point is 00:21:02 Keep it reasonable, you know? Got to keep it tamed down. I just scratched my nose. I have a little itch on my nose. I've been disinfecting my hands so much they're cracking and bleeding. And I was running the other day and I scratched my own nose while I was running.
Starting point is 00:21:14 And a woman literally yells at me from the other side of the street. She goes, don't touch your face! And that's why we need guns. I should just be running. Don't touch your... Shut up. Don't touch your face.
Starting point is 00:21:30 I haven't touched anything. I'm outside running. My hands are clean. I washed my hands and then I was running. And it's not my grabbing stuff while I'm running. Yeah, I touched my face while I was running. I had an itch. I've been running almost every day,
Starting point is 00:21:40 if not every other day, which is more than I usually, because I'm touring. I've been running, you know, once or twice a week. If I'm lucky, I'll get in a five to eight mile run, but it's been so nice to run on the break, but it's dismal to see, you know, all these businesses closed down. I told the old bag that it tripped me out, stressed me out, seeing these businesses closed down. I'm like, come on, man, we got to get back to square one. We got to get these places open, get these people, you know, back to making a living, dude. But, you know,
Starting point is 00:22:09 it's been a balance. Every single day has been a balance and a challenge. I was asking people what they bought. It's interesting to see what you buy during like the apocalypse, you know, what kind of food that you buy. Because I was following a dude into Trader Joe's, you know, they let you in in chunks at a waiting line and going in a chunk. And I followed the dude in. And the first place that he went to, the first place that he went to was the frozen food section, which I agree with. I get, I think that's smart. You know, the toilet paper and all that shit was already sold out, which is, which is this whole thing. Why are you hoarding toilet paper? If you didn't buy all of it right now, we would all be able to ration it out and it would
Starting point is 00:22:45 keep coming in at a regulatory pace, just like it usually does when this isn't fucking happening. Why are you doing that? Don't buy 50 rolls, cunt. Everybody needs some. Buy a couple and then they can restock it at such a good pace that we can all get what we need. This is why people are shit. it at such a good pace that we can all get what we need. This is why people are shit. This is essentially why I don't trust people enough to say that we could live in a socialist country. Because people are dog shit. America's too big. People take way more than they need all the time. This is fucking proof, if I've never seen proof, that you can't trust people to take what you need. The phrase take what you need, it would never apply here. Now, whether it works other places, I don't fucking know.
Starting point is 00:23:30 We don't live in other places. We live here in the United States. And I got to tell you, being around people in a pandemic, in a pandemic, shows you that people are bullshit. They fucking, they're savages. They hoard shit. They steal shit from people. People are bullshit. People are bad. People, not everybody, fuck. But you just see how people do dumb shit. You're like, why are you doing that? You're hurting the community. Don't do that. We all need the shit.
Starting point is 00:23:59 If you don't do that, we don't all run out. And then they can restock. And it's not panic. It's not overhaul, you know? But he went to the frozen food section. And I went right to veggies. I went to the right to veggies and nuts and snacks because I wanted to grab that stuff first to get it out of the way because I feel like everybody, everyone is going to at some point run out of meals to make. And if I got as many veggies as I can get, I can do a veggie and meat combo. That's what I've been doing. Me and the bag have been doing like a protein and a bunch of veggies or rice. And just to kind of keep it fresh all the time, because you're eating the same frozen shit all the time, gets old. It gets tired, dude.
Starting point is 00:24:40 Tried to have some cereal today. I hadn't had cereal in a while. Tried to have cereal. And the milk was rotten you know that you know what's so funny it's milk when milk smells bad it's repulsive but you don't taste it right away
Starting point is 00:24:53 like I ate two spoonfuls and I just didn't I was like that's weird but the cereal kind of overpowers the flavor of the milk because it's a little bit of milk
Starting point is 00:25:02 but then I smelled the carton I almost yarged it in the fridge I was like you know that you know that thing i had that same smell we were cleaning the gutters on the roof and a fucking cat in the neighborhood there's a bullshit there's two bullshit ass cats that live in the hood and they get on the roof and they pooped on the roof and it must have gone into the gutter and I was scooping out leaves and shit out of the gutter because it's gutter cleaning time, March slash April and my god, when I smelled it the gag, that gag that you have when you smell shit
Starting point is 00:25:35 when you're like, oh my god it's unbelievable it shocks your core I can handle pain, I can handle a lot of weird smells. Just like old poop is just, couldn't do it. Couldn't do it. I almost fell off the fucking roof. And we were up there cleaning stuff because I had another roof leak thanks to the rainstorm that's been going on in Los Angeles. Roof leak. You know how fun that is? I see why my father was always mad. Yeah, grow up and then you see why your dad was pissed all the time. You learn. You're like,
Starting point is 00:26:15 oh, I know why dad was angry all the time. Because we did dumb shit and he already was dealing with dumb shit. Here's kids doing dumb shit all day and here's dad dealing with other dumb shit all day that already exists. You know, I would flush stuff down the toilet. There was a, there was like a mold. There was like a Nickelodeon, you know, like a GAC thing when I was a kid or something. And it was at home mold. And I flushed it down the toilet. Of course, broke the pipes, broke the pipes. That's why kids deserve to get hit. My father should have knocked my teeth out. You broke the pipes. God damn it. That should be why you get hit.
Starting point is 00:26:50 You know, we played the game of life the other night. When you get one of those cards, you know, one of those exemption cards or whatever, you should get handed a card every time you get hit, letting you know why. So you hold on to the card. Here, smack, and it says right on it. Because you broke the pipes. You broke the goddamn pipe. That's why you got hit. So when you get older and you're like, oh my god,
Starting point is 00:27:11 I'm so mean. You read all those cards. Read back all the dumb reasons that you got smacked in the head for being a moron. You goofball jagamote. We played Life though. Yeah, we did. We brought out Life the board game. It was actually really fun. I beat the shit out of the old bag. She's been whooping me in card games, though. But I beat her. I had 1.9 million. She had a million. I had 1.9 million.
Starting point is 00:27:38 I beat her. I was a doctor. She was a salesman, I think. And my salary was better. She also got clipped. I sued for revenge like three times. Hey, baby. 200 grand or 10 spaces. You really do learn in that game of life, honestly. It's a great game for kids. If you got kids that are of able mind, play life with them. Show them how much of a bummer it is to lose money on that board game. Because when you know, play life with them. Show them how much of a bummer it is to lose money on that board game because when you do, it feels exactly how it feels in real life. It's an old game. It's so old and yet it still reigns true, you know? It's wild because when it hits you, when it's like lose $200,000 due to, you know, tornado or whatever and death in the family and bankruptcy and all this stuff you really you really do go oh wow that this is exactly how it feels i'm pissed off for no
Starting point is 00:28:31 reason the game of life let's see how old the game of life is the game of life was invented conway's game of life uh was uh oh no no this isn't right. That's something totally different. Is it a zero-player game? No, no, no, that's something else. I'm thinking about the board game, the game of life. This is Conway's game of life. That's a cellular automation. That's weird.
Starting point is 00:28:57 I've never seen that before. The board game, I should write, the board game of life. I just want to know the invention year of the board game of life. People at home are like, who cares? But that's right hasbro did it hasbro made the board game of life and uh it's been around for a long time if this says eight wait 1860 holy shit the game of life was designed by Bill Markham. Markham. Milton Bradley. And Winning Moves were the companies that published the game.
Starting point is 00:29:30 1862 today. That's how long it's been going on. Wow. Setup time, they say, is 10 minutes. Playing time is an hour, depending on how drunk you're getting, by the way. Random chance, high. Spinning a wheel, card drawing, pure luck. That's really good.
Starting point is 00:29:45 Skills required are counting and reading. All right, I know some people that don't know how to count and read. The modern version is published 100 years later in 1960. It was more modernized, designed by Ruben Kramer, and was heartily endorsed by Art Linklater. Hey, Art Linklater. For people that don't know, Canadian-born cat. He's an American radio personality here, too.
Starting point is 00:30:06 That's pretty wild. But the Game of Life was originally created in 1860 by Milton Bradley. It was a checkerboard. That's pretty cool. I don't know if you can see that. It was originally a checkerboard game, if you look it up. That's wild. His most important product at that point had been a portrait of Abraham Lincoln with a clean-shaven face. Did not do well once Lincoln grew out his famous beard. Bummer. Bummer. You draw Lincoln, he grows a beard, you're like, thanks, man. I fucking was making a living off you with the clean-shaven, but I appreciate that. That's pretty wild. But the game of life, we cracked it out. We cracked out the game of life. Me and the old bag had a drink, played life. It was actually really, really fun. Me in the old bag, had a drink, played life.
Starting point is 00:30:43 It was actually really, really fun. It's just fun to throwback, to do throwback stuff. Which brings me to my next and very honest point that I did want to talk about. All of these celebrities online, putting up videos. We were watching HGTV and a bunch of the hosts from HGTV, like the Twin Brothers, the property brothers, and all these other people were doing a segment for a commercial where they're like, here's what I'm doing. You can see I'm at my house.
Starting point is 00:31:12 We're not filming. Here's what I'm doing to stay safe at home. And they talk about reconnecting with family and doing all these fun, sweet things, right? But here they are saying all this stuff in the comfort of their home saying, hey, this is actually kind of a good thing. It's really nice to do this. And it's so fucking inconsiderate
Starting point is 00:31:35 of people that have to work for a living, that need the money. Yeah, you like the break from shooting TV because you're a millionaire, you fucking asshole. No shit. It's cool to hang out at the house in your beautiful house with unlimited resources and access while you play board games with your kids and brag about it. Let me tell you something. If you're lucky enough to be lucky enough, shut the fuck up and be lucky enough. Okay.
Starting point is 00:32:02 You don't see me out there making commercials being like, I love this. This is great. This is great. Thank God for the virus. I feel good at home. Shut up. Why are they putting on TV hosts telling people that this is a great time to reconnect? That's inconsiderate of people that don't, that can't, first of all,
Starting point is 00:32:20 that can't be with their fucking families and that don't have any income. If you're lucky enough, you're lucky enough and shut the fuck up. You know, I'm lucky enough where this isn't drowning me right now. Thank God because of touring and podcasts and television, I'm lucky enough. And I appreciate it. I'm very humbled and very appreciative of the fans that have come, come with me on these, on this journey and have stuck around through my career that I don't need to fucking brag about the idea that it's like this isn't hurting me as much as it hurts other Americans. It's hurting me.
Starting point is 00:32:53 It certainly is taking away income from me for sure and taking away jobs and work without a doubt. But there's so many other people that are doing worse than me that I can't sit here and bitch about it. So these fucking celebrities, like the Imagine song, I don't need to harp on that because we all already did, but it's like, how tone deaf, how societally unaware are you that you think a fucking song is going to be chill to
Starting point is 00:33:17 sing when people are losing their jobs and their family members are dying and they're unsure of their future both economically and socially, dude, suck a fucking butthole. Suck a dirty butthole. You're a moron. You're a moron. I'd say it to your face. You're stupid. You're bragging about it.
Starting point is 00:33:38 Like, if you're privileged enough to not have to go to work and this be a little baby vacation, then shut the fuck up. Shut up. Don't brag about it. You know what? You actually more than shut up, do something.
Starting point is 00:33:49 Donate. Help out other people and causes that don't have the ability to do so because they need help. They need help because they're out of a job. They're out of resources. You know? The unemployment,
Starting point is 00:34:00 they said, was the highest it's ever been. The application for unemployment was the highest it's ever been since the Great Depression. Ah! Dude, help somebody then. If you care so much, help someone. Sing a fucking Lennon song. Get out of here.
Starting point is 00:34:18 I know I ranted. I'm sorry for that. But it frustrates me, dude. I don't need to see you telling me how nice this break is. That's fine if that's nice. Save that for your inner circle. Save that for your friends. You don't need to put a commercial out and say stuff about how this is a great time to reconnect and stay at home and stay healthy and stay safe. Other people don't have a choice. A lot of people have to work. I talked to the Patreon fans. Like a choice. A lot of people have to work. A lot of, I talked to the Patreon fans. I was like, I was saying so many people have to work.
Starting point is 00:34:47 They don't have a choice and my heart goes out to them. So I don't need to be boasting about or, or complaining about sitting at home. It sucks. It's a bummer, but I'm lucky enough that it's not ripping me to shreds. Some people can't make rent. They can't play, make car payments. You know, that Uber driver, that woman that put that video up, she couldn't even make a car payment for the fucking car that she drives around to make a living. I mean, good God, you know, I slipped back into COVID stuff. I know. Fuck me. It's what's happening. It's hard to not talk about what's happening. That's what it's like being a comedian. It's impossible to not talk about what's happening, whether or not
Starting point is 00:35:22 it's funny. I mean, you know, I haven't really made light of a lot of stuff. I'm sorry. I should be funnier right now. I should be amping up the funny, but it's hard. I said that to Bobby. I called Bobby about us doing bad friends together. And I said, dude, it's hard to be funny right now. It's super hard. I'm not going to fucking lie to you guys. You know, it's hard. I've been truthful with my fans as far as my emotions and my anxieties, my depression and all that stuff. That's part of the reason I think we all connected. It's been fucking hard to be funny. Okay. Twitter, it's fun to write some bullshit up there, but it's been hard to want to be funny. It's just been hard to want to be funny. You know, that's something we're striving to do. We're trying. You know, this is tough.
Starting point is 00:36:05 It's tough to want to be funny when you're like, oh, it's tragedy. It's a lot of tragedy. It's tough to want to be humorous right now. But I do. I do.
Starting point is 00:36:14 You know, it's in my fucking bones. You know? Trying to make light of stuff. You know, me and the old bag are sitting around the house pumping. Huh? Pumping.
Starting point is 00:36:28 Throwing a couple, throwing a couple, couple unloading a couple loads in there, back it up, pumping, I imagine the sex rate must be through the roof, the amount of kids that are going to be born in nine months named COVID, it's going to be amazing, how many people are having COVID, COVID babies, how many people are getting pregnant right now, it's got to be wild, lot of at home at home fucking sessions which i'm down which hey man do you think thing i'd love people to record and send it in to me if you hear your neighbors fucking send it to i'm a santino fan at gmail.com we'll make an audio compilation of how many people are pumping around you if you hear your neighbors pumping live in an apartment or something a condo you can hear people pumping upstairs, downstairs, side stairs, side stairs,
Starting point is 00:37:07 upstairs, outside. I never was comfortable, comfortable. I never was comfortable pumping outside. I pumped outside a few times. I don't really love it. It's uncomfortable. I pumped outside on prom night. Prom night, we pumped outside in a park. We did a few things outside in high school. I pumped outside a few times, a few weird spots, my backyard. Pumped outside in my backyard, pumped in a park. By the way, pumped in a park. What a good song. God, where's R. Kelly when you need him? Pumped in a park, pumped in a park. We just, we pumped in a park. Chicago's finest, baby.
Starting point is 00:37:50 What are you going to do? What are you going to do, R? Robert? Can't pee on kids. Can't pee on kids. Can yell at them. Can mock them. Make fun of them.
Starting point is 00:38:03 Hit them. Can't piss on them, dude. These are the rules. These are the rules. I shouldn't be talking about stupid old shit like that. But anyway, yeah. Trying to stay sane. Trying to keep it all together during all this stuff, which is hard.
Starting point is 00:38:24 I want to know what time you guys have been waking up. Comment about what time you've been waking up. For the first time in a long time, I woke up at 6.45, 7 a.m. That's when I usually wake up. Right around that area. 6.45 to 7.30 is like my window, you know? And I woke up today at 7.30, which was late for me, kind of. And I toyed around on the phone for a second. The old bag was sleeping. The pup was still sleeping. And then, miraculously, which never happened, I rolled over, spooned the bag.
Starting point is 00:38:56 The dog came in the bed, jumped up, said, what's up? She took the dog out, and I passed out for three more hours, which never happens. And I mean it. I can't do that. I think the exhaustion, the mental exhaustion, you know, it was just like, ugh, what today? What am I going to read that's going to, you know, throw me into a tizzy? So I want to know what time you guys are getting up, what time you're going to bed, what time you're getting up. And if you still have to work, you know, what time that's shifting your schedule to due to the fact that everyone
Starting point is 00:39:26 else has different, you know, every, everything is moving around. It's just a wild, it's, that's, it's a wild shift of life. I felt the shift of life happen. You know, I also, this is the other thing I didn't get to this, the toilet paper thing. I was curious, how much toilet paper do you think you're using? Comment, comment and tell me how much toilet paper do you really think you're using a day? You know, people that are buying 70 rolls. How many fucking days do you think you need of toilet paper? I'm being genuine because I played a guess and I said probably you use a roll of toilet paper between two people. If you live with someone else, you probably use one roll every other day or so. Every two, three days maybe you use a roll.
Starting point is 00:40:06 Maybe. Because I don't know. I just put up a new one in the bathroom that I shit in. We obviously shit in separate bathrooms. Key to a happy marriage. We shit in separate bathrooms. And I was like, I wonder how long this will last me. So I'm going to keep tabs.
Starting point is 00:40:20 But I think it's a couple of days. I think it's a couple of days. I don't rip through toilet paper that much. Because we're using two different bathrooms. So if it's just, if you're sharing a roll I think it's a couple of days. I think it's a couple of days. I don't rip through toilet paper that much because we're using two different bathrooms. So if it's just, if you're sharing a roll, it's probably two or three days. If you've got it by yourself, I would say four days, five days. I don't know. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:40:35 Comment on how much you're wiping. I also do a post wipe. I hope most of you do this as well. I do first couple with toilet paper. I post it up with baby wipes. Baby wipes got to end. They have to be your, they have to be the, you know, the dessert end they have to be the you know the dessert they have to be the end game
Starting point is 00:40:48 has to be the last thing on the menu I gotta put a baby wipe in there dry isn't gonna do it but if we run out we don't got a lot left I'm just gonna be pooping and showering pooping and letting that bathtub spigot run down my tush
Starting point is 00:41:04 clean it out like the old school days. That's what they do in Costa Rica, man. In Costa Rica, you can't throw away toilet paper in the toilet. The pipes aren't built for that. Infrastructure's bad. You gotta poop, wipe, and throw it in the trash can, or you gotta poop and get that booty in the shower.
Starting point is 00:41:19 Or go in the ocean. Get out in the ocean, eh? You got shit in your ass. Get in the ocean. Get out in the ocean, eh? You got shit in your ass. Get in the ocean. Gotta get in the ocean. I've been having a good time, though. I will say this. I've been having a good time catching up with old friends,
Starting point is 00:41:35 which has been kind of a luxury. I'm not going to lie. Chris DiStefano and I call each other all the time. It's good to talk to Chrisy D. Ladder 14. Talk to him today. Had a FaceTime with the entire cast of Dave FXX and who lose Dave little Dickie, me taco Gator scooter Braun,
Starting point is 00:41:52 who helped produce it. And, uh, who else was on the call? Am I missing anybody? And Mike hurts who I play on the show. Mike, who's,
Starting point is 00:42:01 uh, who's Dave's real manager in real life, Mike. And also, um, dude, this is crazy's real manager in real life, Mike. And also, dude, this is crazy, but I don't know if I should say this, but we were talking about people to get on the show. We were talking about Ty Dolla Sign. I did a bit about Ty Dolla Sign that was on the episode last week that I highly suggest you watch.
Starting point is 00:42:28 But Bun B, UGK got on FaceTime with us. I thought that was really tight. It was just wild to talk to him for a second because he was a fan of the show. I hope you watch the show. I hope you like the show. Dave on FXX and Hulu Wednesdays
Starting point is 00:42:44 and Thursdays on Hulu Wednesdays FXX Thursdays I usually don't plug a lot of TV stuff because it's you know I know it's out there if you know it you know it but I think it's a fun show man we had a great time
Starting point is 00:42:55 and you know of all the trials and tribulations of making a new TV show which is tough because it's new I'm glad it turned out good I'm glad people like that shit Ty Dolleson was fun we did a Ty Dolleson bit Ty Do Ty Dolla $ign, Todd Dillason, and he liked it, so I was cool that he liked that shit
Starting point is 00:43:10 online, it's just cool to see people like, that have a sense of humor, so in the world of hip-hop, a lot of people are, they're cool, you don't know if they're gonna have a sense of humor, they might just, you know, get pissed at you, and that was something I learned when I did punked back in the day, punked, you learn really fast, people have a sense of humor, or they don, you know, get pissed at you. And that was something I learned when I did punked back in the day. Punked, you learn really fast. People have a sense of humor or they don't at all. And I understand some people don't want to get punked, but some people definitely did not have a sense of humor. Yeesh. Can't mention any names. Look it, I'll mouth it to the camera. Maybe you can figure it out. Somebody that didn't, didn't enjoy their time on our show and we never aired was, was, uh, maybe you can figure that out. I've been drinking. Yeah. She didn't like it. She did not like the episode. We never aired it. We had to pull it.
Starting point is 00:43:54 We had to pull it because it was an invasion of privacy or something, or I don't know what she got us on a lawyer. A lawyer checked us hard. It was an invasion of privacy. But it was a great bit. It was an incredible bit that yours truly wrote back in the punk days. It was a bit where she went out to dinner downtown. I'll tell it. I'll tell it.
Starting point is 00:44:16 I think they got sued for it, but whatever. She went out downtown with a bunch of girlfriends to go have dinner. And downtown Los Angeles is not like many downtown, quote unquote, places, major cities. Downtown LA is a rebuilding thing. Different neighborhoods are starting to get stronger as time has gone on. You know, I moved here, you know what, 14 years ago. And 14 years ago, you never went down there unless you're buying
Starting point is 00:44:45 crack which then you then i got a couple of good spots flower and six nope but um but yeah she went downtown to have dinner and he one of these like hot spot new areas parked her car we knew what car she had because the host at the time uh was is good one of her good friends. And he told us what she had. And so we got a dupe of her car. We had a gutted out dupe. Duplicate. So we got the version of her car. It was totally gutted out. It used to be her car.
Starting point is 00:45:15 But the inside was stripped. And the engine was gone. It was just a shell of her vehicle. Duped. And she had parked in a lot that was kind of like an under construction lot, but it was very vague on purpose. And we did that on purpose. Obviously she went in the restaurant, they had dinner and drinks. And what we did was we moved her car into a garage, uh, that her friend, her friend helped us with. And we crane crane lifted her, the duped car, which she thought
Starting point is 00:45:41 was her car, something like 50 feet in the, I'll say 50 to be conservative. It was probably closer to 70 to a hundred feet. It was way, way up. It was insane. Um, cause 50 would be five basketball hoops is how that's how, that's how I think about everything. I was going, that's about five basketball hoops. Cause I'm a moron, but we lifted it up in the sky and she came out of the restaurant. She had an altercation with me. Cause I was the contractor on the site doing all the work. And she was like, my car I was like we told her we had signs we had signs of course everywhere that she didn't see at the time that we revealed later and she panicked and freaked out she's like that's my car give me my car and I'm like no it's no it was in the spot the tow company couldn't tow it
Starting point is 00:46:17 we had to move it so it's up on the crane until we're done she said well when are you gonna be done I was like tomorrow the next day who knows lady knows lady, let me do my job. And she was losing it. She was fucking losing it on me. It was really fun, man. She was yelling at me, screaming all this shit. I'm going to call the cops. I go, call the cops. You parked illegally. Fuck you. What are you going to do? And thank God she didn't call the cops because that usually leads to a bad spot. And, uh, she was panicking. And I said, you want your car that bad lady? You want your car? And she goes, yeah, I want my fucking car, and I go, you want me to put it down, she goes, yeah, put it down, I go, okay, I grab the walkie, I go, put it down, and they release this car, this dupe, and just, it slams to the earth, shatters, of course, into a million pieces, and she has a mental breakdown,
Starting point is 00:46:59 it was insane, it was insane, also, no offense, but it wasn't that nice of a car. It wasn't that nice of a car. It's not like I crashed a Ferrari. It was like a, you know, SUV. She's a millionaire. It wasn't anything crazy. Yes, it would have been crazy if it happened in real life, but also I didn't crash a rare vehicle. I didn't crash a collector's item.
Starting point is 00:47:19 We smashed an Audi Q5 or something. You know what I mean? Relax. Cool it out. That being said, I know. Punk is always an invasion of privacy. It really is. But most of the time, people love it because they're with their friends and they see it's a part of a thing. This was also over a decade ago. So, different times.
Starting point is 00:47:39 But yeah, she panicked. She hated it. And then even when the friend came out in her real car, she was not happy. Couldn't air it. Not happy. Not happy. It was a fun time in my past of a string of shows that I've done. And like I said, now that's brought me to where I am now. And I will say very proudly, I'm happy. Dave is a great show. Dave is a great show. And there's some really funny, cool people on the show that work very hard. So I hope people are watching the show. I hope people like the show. I think it's very good. Jeff Schaefer is nothing short of a genius. He is short, actually. He's very short. He's a short man, but he is a brilliant short man. man. He directed all the episodes of Curb this past year that I was lucky enough to do an episode of. He created The League with his wife
Starting point is 00:48:28 Jackie, who's also a brilliant, genius comedic writer. I shouldn't use the word genius. Genius is such a throw around. They're both extremely good at writing comedy. Geniuses, we overuse it. NASA has geniuses. Comedy writers probably aren't genius. They're probably just good at writing comedy. And I mean that across the board. But yeah, there's so many good people to work with on the show. So I hope people's likes it. Otherwise, what can you do? That's kind of my perspective on everything. What can you do? TV is hard to make, man. TV is hard to make and film is even harder. Kudos to people that can make good film, because
Starting point is 00:49:06 good God, is film tough. I haven't seen a movie in a long time that I like. Last night, we watched Vegas Vacation. Griswold, which I love. Sean Wallace. What an actor. Princess Bride. Never mess with a Sicilian when death is on
Starting point is 00:49:22 the line. What a line. Iocane powder. He built up an immunity. Princess Bride, Sean Wallace was fantastic and he was just as good, if not better in my opinion, in Vegas Vacation, teasing Clark W. Griswold, letting him know he was never going to beat the house. Wayne Newton also. What a weird guy. Chicks used to throw panties at that guy. Some of the jokes in that movie just don't hold up and some of them really really do god do they ever I mean some of those are good
Starting point is 00:49:54 Quaid, Randy Quaid, wow was he funny Cousin Eddie great movie, rewatch that we're trying to rewatch old movies but Netflix by the way dude this is my beef with Netflix Netflix doesn't have the titles that you want to watch. We have so much. Yeah, but why don't you have things that I really want to watch? Three Amigos, not on there. Why isn't Three Amigos on Netflix? Brewster's Millions, I wanted to watch it. It's not on
Starting point is 00:50:20 Netflix. Big, the movie Big with Tom Hanks. Why can't I see these fucking movies? They're so good. Just buy the classics, Netflix. Buy the classics. There's so much bullshit on there. Netflix has a host of trash, and I mean a host of shitty stuff. They have so much bullshit that you're like, why would they buy that product? Why would they purchase that library, that title? I don't get it. They could use some of that other stuff, some of that other jazz. It's just annoying. And so I'm Hulu'd up. I'm Netflixed up. We've watched so much stuff. I mean, good God. And I have Hulu Live. I watch Hulu Live TV because I love it. We got rid of the direct TV.
Starting point is 00:51:12 But at some point, you just want like an old classic that you love. And we have a bin of DVDs. I think we're going to crack it out tonight. Watch an old DVD from back in the day. I don't know what it's going to be. The Old Bag loves Spaceballs. That's the Old Bag's favorite movie. Spaceballs and Three Amigos,
Starting point is 00:51:27 that's oddly her two favorite movies. Shows her comedic sensibilities. The Old Bag has got a smart noggin. Spaceballs is incredibly smart and funny. Three Amigos is so, so funny. My favorite line from Three Amigos is when he says, oh, look, it's a male plane. He goes, how can you tell?
Starting point is 00:51:43 He goes, you can't see the little balls dangling? Come on. Come on. So good. Three Amigos is when he said, oh, look, it's a male plane. He goes, how can you tell? He goes, you can't see the little balls dangling? Come on. Come on. So good. So good. Martin Short and Chevy Chase and Steve Martin. What a combo.
Starting point is 00:51:56 What a combo. I mean, good God. My Little Buttercup. The song My Little Buttercup in that movie might be one of my most iconic songs stuck in my head. From like, my little buttercup has the sweetest smile, smile. So good. So good. It rivals so many of the comedies from my youth because Three Amigos was, you know, a shade before my time, just like Caddyshack, you know, but it was, God damn, was it such a good movie. Tell me some of your favorite comedies in the comments on the YouTube section. If you're out there, let me know what you guys are watching. That's
Starting point is 00:52:34 old school throwback. One of your favorite comedies. Cause I love to see that stuff. I love to see what you guys watch. Cause I like to rewatch old shit. I love old comedies. It's sometimes it's worth buying the DVD, cracking out the DVD player. You know, sometimes it's worth cracking it out. Dude, I was looking for a DVD. I cracked open an old case and inside was a porno. It was a porno doubled up on the actual DVD. How fun was that? Wild, right? The DVD, oddly enough, if anybody knows, is a very specific and very odd reference. Hieroglyphics, the hip-hop crew, came out with a double-sided CD slash DVD. It was so weird. It was awesome. But Hieroglyphics came out with this thing,
Starting point is 00:53:17 and it was like a tour video of kids doing drugs, and it wasn't full circle. I don't remember what it was called, but man, it was wild. But in that case was that and a porno underneath. Cheers to me. You know, I was like, no one's going to be looking for this. And they're right. I wasn't either. Pop got myself a DVD porno. I don't know how to play it since MacBooks don't come with DVD slots anymore. You got to fucking buy one. And like, we did that to make it slimmer. It's like, a DVD is so... You couldn't figure that out?
Starting point is 00:53:49 I feel like you could have figured that out. Oh, it takes up space and stuff. You could have figured it out. I feel like they could have hid it behind the screen. I mean, I'm not a computer guy. I'm a moron. So what do I know? I love that.
Starting point is 00:54:01 That was a couch quarterback, you know? Should have done that. All right, fat ass. Well, why are you sitting on a lazy boy and that guy is out on a field every day? We don't know what we're talking about. So much of the time, we're totally lost. And especially me, I'm lost in the sauce.
Starting point is 00:54:17 I'm not going to lie. I'm lost up in the sauce. Commenting about computers like I know anything. iPhone said they're going to delay coming out with a new phone because of what's going on. Makes sense. Makes sense because the 11 was just the 10 with another camera. Have you guys noticed that?
Starting point is 00:54:34 Has anybody noticed that Apple has slid downhill since Steve Jobs took the dirt nap? I mean, come on, dude. The 11 Pro is the 10. It's the same size. Look up the specs. It's just got another camera. Same phone, another camera.
Starting point is 00:54:49 That's it. It's faster. So what? So what? And the 11 Pro, the 11 regular might as well be the, uh, the fucking 10C or whatever it was. The other weirdo one that they have with all the colors. They keep slipping, dude. They need to come out with something funky, dude. Put a chip in my fucking face. Let me feel it, you know? Put a chip in my face. Let me feel it. People don't
Starting point is 00:55:15 want to get chipped up, dude. Chip me up. Put a chip in my wrist. Put a chip in my fucking, right next to my wobbly lobe, whatever this is my wiggle wobble my wig wham my wob wham put one in there make me a computer i don't i don't care the amount of the amount of computers around me already make me a computer make me one of the computers dude i wonder what my computer name would be if i completely turned into a full robotic computer. Yeah. What would I be? Santino Soft. Oh, often. Often. You ever get out of the shower, guys, fellas? You ever get out of the shower, you have a good dick day? I have a mirror that faces my shower. I got out this morning. I had a good dick day. I looked at it. I was like, look at you.
Starting point is 00:56:08 Look at you hanging a little bit lower than usual. Look at you hanging a little bit lower than usual. Looking good. Looking good, bud. I gave myself a wink, you know. And when I gave myself a wink, my reflection went, ugh, so funny. I want to address a few things just for fun, just because I've had a couple of sauces. People on the show sometimes comment that I manspread. I spread my legs too much.
Starting point is 00:56:33 Fuck you. Shut the fuck up. Just listen to the show and have a good time and enjoy the world. Stop dictating about how I'm sitting on the chair. Fuck off. Fuck off, weirdo. Just sitting in a fucking chair. I like to spread my legs.
Starting point is 00:56:50 It feels good. Also, I want to comment. People that say I'm on Adderall, it's a bad joke. It's an old joke. It's a bad joke. No, I'm not on Adderall. I've never even done Adderall.
Starting point is 00:57:00 Never done cocaine. Never done Adderall. Don't do that shit. I do downers, dude. Depressants. I like alcohol. I like downers, dude. I like to get I like alcohol. I like downers, dude. I like to get down.
Starting point is 00:57:08 My brain already works at a fast-paced speed. So if it shocks you that I talk at a million miles a minute, it's not because of drugs, it's because my brain works faster than yours, you dumbo. Hey, you're a dumb guy. Speaking of dumb guys, Shob and Callan were texting me today. I texted Shob. Texted Callan, texted Shub and Callan were texting me today. I texted Schaub.
Starting point is 00:57:27 Texted Callan, texted Schaub. They both were texting. I texted them on a separate text, and then Schaub asked if I wanted to go over there and do the show. Those two bozo idiots. I should. I should go do that show.
Starting point is 00:57:37 The twink and the stink. I should. I should! Those are my boys. I love them to death. I should go over there and do that. I've just... What's going on makes me like, well, should I fucking surround myself with more people?
Starting point is 00:57:48 I got to be around Bob already. And you guys know Bobby is, oy, oy, oy, you know? No. He's a cleanly person. Kalilah's been hosing him off, she said, in the front yard to make some dance. Like that scene in Tommy Boy
Starting point is 00:58:02 when David Spade hoses down Farley. Yeah, and he's like, you've been eating paint chips as a kid do you get paint chips as a kid he goes why what a good scene good god what a good scene is that tommy boy am i stupid no it's tommy boy yeah rest in peace chris farley good god do we miss someone like you right now Guys like that They were just so unabashedly funny They would make some great material right now Better than almost anybody Patrice, Farley God, we could use guys like that
Starting point is 00:58:36 Who just know how to do it, dude They know how to do it But I've rambled long enough. I think this was a fun solo episode. You know? I touched on a bunch of personal stuff as much as I could. I appreciate you being around.
Starting point is 00:58:54 If you are fighting something in your mental, whether it's depression or anxiety, I've said this before and I'll say it again. Please stick to working through it. K-I-M is that phrase that we use all the time that some of the fans know. K-I-M is crowned by Tribe Called Quest, Keep It Moving, one of my favorite songs. Keep it moving. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:59:16 yeah to the K-I-M. You got to keep it moving. Please stay positive. Please stay healthy. Please stay in the right mental state of mind there's no need for all the negative there's no need for that bullshit to enter your space just just do the just do yourself a favor of being happy and confident with who you are and struggling through the shit is not easy and i know know, you know, and people belittle anxiety, they belittle depression, but I feel it, dude. And I feel it. I feel it strong in a way that only people that know, know. And I will say, I promise you, you stick to trying to work on it and it gets good. You know, when you let it, EDU is when it gets bad. But when you work on shit,
Starting point is 01:00:05 man, does it get good. Whether it's talking to somebody, whether it's exercising, whether it's journaling, whether it's creating art, whatever your outlets are, please, please exercise those outlets because it's important.
Starting point is 01:00:18 It very much so is. Don't let, especially what's going on right now, get in here because it's not worth it. You know, you got to keep on keeping on, my friend. Keep it moving. Keep pushing in a positive direction. Spread more love, less hate. Fuck all that bullshit.
Starting point is 01:00:37 Negativity ain't worth your fucking time. Don't do that shit. Have some fun. Try to make as much fun, of a bad situation, of whatever you're in, and get re-centered, we're all flawed,
Starting point is 01:00:51 we're all bullshit, we're just trying to figure it the fuck out, so keep that shit moving, I love you very much, I usually end the show, with a word or a phrase, and I think, in a very appropriate phrase for right now in this very moment
Starting point is 01:01:10 to everybody that's worried, that's suffering, that's sick, that's struggling, is keep it moving. Keep it moving. K-I-M, baby. Keep it moving. I love you.M, baby. Keep it moving. I love you. I appreciate you. We're all doing our best.
Starting point is 01:01:29 Much love. See you next time. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore.
Starting point is 01:01:49 Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

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