Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Brian Simpson

Episode Date: May 24, 2024

Brian Simpson is a powerhouse in the comedy scene, known for his sharp wit, relatable humor, and captivating stage presence. With a unique blend of personal anecdotes and insightful observations, Brian's comedy resonates with audiences across the nation. He has been featured on popular platforms like Netflix's "The Standups" and has made waves on the podcast circuit with his insightful and hilarious takes on everyday life. Whether he's riffing on social issues or sharing his latest misadventures, Brian Simpson always leaves his audience laughing and wanting more. #briansimpson #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino ================================================= SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS DOORDASH PROMO CODE: WHISKEY25 For 25% OFF YOUR ORDER DOWNLOAD THE APP! SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey RABBITHOLE $5 OFF YOUR ORDER https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow USE PROMO CODE: RABBIT KIKOFF GET YOUR 1ST MONTH FOR $1 https://kikoff.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I like gingers. I like that. I like that you said that you're on cloud nine. I was like, what's the deal? You're like, I'm on cloud nine right now. I'm just having a moment, you know, like, because like I sold out the main room the other day and I've just, I've never done that. You know, it's just one of them little things where it was like, you know, the store means different things to different people. Yeah. But to come back, to be gone and come back and sell that bitch out, it was fucking awesome well dude congratulations i mean that look dude it's so funny that i've seen you on your rise i mean i've known you now for a couple years and i've watched it kind of happen and it's deserved also kind of predicted i'm not an astrodomist but i did i did call it out i did say this was this was happening and i dictated it exactly how it was i even named your special before you named it i did all that no that's the other side of it too is like it's coming here and running into some of the ogs like people i haven't met before oh right and they're like oh your special was great you

know who did you like who have you seen that you didn't know before and now you know jimmy car jimmy car says something like he pulled me to the side and said some wonderful i love what you put together yeah yeah so so um i just so accurate. And I just met Adam Carolla. I just met him. I thought he was going to be nuts. He was cool. Yeah. Yeah.

Almost everybody that's nuts is cool. Well, that's, yeah. That's kind of the thing. It's whether or not you know you're nuts. Right, right. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's kind of like, what's his name? The Frogs Are Gay.

Oh, Alex Jones. Yeah, Alex Jones. Like, he's extremely aware that he's crazy. He'll tell you he's crazy. Oh, Alex Jones. Yeah, Alex Jones. Like, he's extremely aware that he's crazy. He'll tell you he's crazy. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he'll let you know he's crazy. It's like the self-awareness kind of takes you off guard a little bit. Yeah, because you can't believe it.

You kind of want him to be always insane. Yeah, right. But, you know, like he's, when I saw him

through Joe, I was like, oh no, he's very aware of what he is. Well, that's something that you really,

look, a lot of people don't realize that it's easy to hate a motherfucker from a distance. Yeah. You don't really hate a motherfucker unless you hate them when they're standing right there. Yeah, that's so true. You know what I mean? And also people that you say you hate,

then you meet them sometimes and you're like, he was all right, man. Yeah, because hate's just like love. It's like sometimes your feelings are really about the thing that you created in your head, like yeah the character of them in your head but you don't know them and then you get around them again it's like oh i guess damn i guess i didn't know that uh-huh you know what i mean because it surprises you i have good friends that are pieces of shit yeah but i know

enough about them that it mitigates it but if all i know about you is your shittiness it's easy to hate you well yeah because everyone's got their flaws. You just have to know how much shit, how much of a piece of shit are they? Yeah, exactly. Are they a little nugget, or are they a fucking fill-a-bowl, you know? You don't have fill-a-bowl around you.

You don't have big dudes that are just, you don't have dudes that are that. I can't stand it. Yeah, yeah. You kind of segregate yourself a little bit, especially in the comedy scene. You're a consummate comic, so it's kind of like you don't really have time for bullshit,

or so it so seems. Yeah, small talk. This is not for you. And something else, I've gotten over being liked. What do you mean? You are well-liked, though. I know, but I've always been well-liked, and so whenever I ran into somebody that didn't like me, it would bother me, because I was like,

but wait a minute, what do I want? But now I'm like, if I don't respect you,'t like me, it would bother me. Because I was like, but wait a minute, what do I, you know? But now I'm like, if I don't respect you, I don't need you to like me. Well, even if I respect you and you don't like me, I just think I don't fucking, whatever, we don't click then. There's got to be people that don't like me that I probably respect that I'm like, whatever, man, I don't give a shit. There's nothing I can do about it. Yeah, we're never going to, yeah. It's an old quote is, what other people say about me is none of my business. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't care, bro. Also, look, I know I'm not going to be one. It's an old quote is, what other people say about me is none of my business. Yeah. I don't care, bro. Also, look, I know I'm not going to be one of those old comics with no friends. You know what I mean? Because that's all I'm scared of. It's like getting to the finish line and having no one give a fuck. That's the saddest shit. Bro, it scares me. We see it.

We see it a lot. We see it more than you would think. Yes. But like I said, I always say this. I think I'm lucky. I'm part of this generation of comics that we don't hate each other as much because we aren't to compete against each other head to head for stuff. Right. Everybody kind of has their own little lane.

Yeah. everybody kind of has their own little lane so we know there's a lot of because you have if you have if you talk to any comic from like 30 years ago and they all got all these little fucking hidden beefs and yeah all you know well joe's rogan generation rogan has those a lot of those guys there's a lot of weird beef that we didn't know about we still don't know about it but you hear it sometimes it pops up right you're like oh really that i don't pop up dude but that's but they are very like not public about it no they don't talk about it no that's the difference is our generation will if they have a problem they'll go on instagram and i was denied access and i was like people don't want to hear that no no no one cares yeah but nobody gives a shit now they're less cry babies but they they definitely have more animosity yeah yeah of course because they've held that for a

long time yeah we help each other well like bobby's generation no bobby bobby has hard resentment for certain people he'll never let it go yeah and you know what it was and this is this is the honest god truth i i don't even know what most of my peers are doing why would you but i know but but you're busy but i know people that like they obsess over it uh yeah and it's not healthy like unless unless i see you every day like like i know what shane's up to i know what tony's up to i know what dyer poston's up to right but i see them all the time right but i don't be going oh well they they got three things and i only got one things and what does

that mean and i don't give a fuck just count what's in front of you don't worry about somebody else's bullshit you beat the game, bro. Yeah. You know what it is, man? I'm surrounded by people. Sometimes I feel like Hollywood is a lot of people that are like, they have 90% of what they want, and they're miserable because it's not 100. Well, but 100 doesn't exist. Right. That's the irony.

It's like, you invited 200 people to your birthday party, 150 showed up, and you're not partying because you're like, how come the who gives a fuck you have enough people for a party yeah i said it was like uh i don't know if you ever played if you played super mario brothers right you would beat the game and after you beat the game you could still go back to the levels and get the extra bonus things that weren't there right but you already beat the game but that's what i feel like this thing is like once you already beat the game. But that's what I feel like this thing is. Like, once you've beat the game, quote-unquote, you're making a living doing what you love.

You beat the game. You did. Do you really need to go back to get all the fucking leaves or whatever the shit, the little, like, the little rabbit tail or whatever the shit? Like, all those little nooks and crannies that you're searching for, sure, fun to go chase them, but to be upset that you don't have all of them is

very strange to me because you already did it you'd be playing other games I did when I was a kid I used to love I used to love Super Mario but I always felt like but I already beat it so why am I obsessed with going back and finding all the things I didn't find I mean you know you got it be happy with what you got but that's the that's the human condition is we're like – we move – the goalposts constantly are moving. That you're like, oh, I want this. Well, I want this. Well, I should.

I have this. And now I really want this. But I think you reach a certain age. I mean you're a grown enough – you made it at a grown part in your life where you kind of know already that you're like, no, this is right. This is good. Well, I mean, I'm grown in most ways, but I still feel like a child sometimes. Well, how old are you? You're 40?

I'm 41. Yeah, bro, you're grown. Yeah, yeah. We're grown. I'm 40, we're adults. What I mean is I'm immature in a lot of ways. Yeah, but we all are. I mean, everybody is. That's why I think we still act like children. We still think like kids.

I mean, I think something about comedy stunts your growth a little bit because you're not put in situations think like kids i mean i think something about comedy stunts your growth a little bit because you're not put in situations that the regular adult has to go through right my friends that have kids they had kids at 27 28 years old they had to grow up real fast so the world hit them in a different way yeah you know the world didn't a lot of comics don't get hit that fast they don't get married they either never get married or they get married later. They have kids and they never have kids. And if they do, they're 37, 38 by the time.

We just didn't have to grow up as fast, you know? I think because you're focused so hard on entertaining people, you know? Yeah, you do put that, you put your, it's really a gamble. Yeah, you're putting your life on the side. Speaking of which, man, I did the fucking, did you do the 5K, the 2K, 2 Bears? No, bro, I got invited to do that 5K and i was like i was out of town first of all but i was like i don't want to i don't want to do it it was well for me it was like a point of pride because because you know when i was in the marine corps it's like 5k is just three miles well three point something

miles 3.2 miles or something but we that we used to do that for breakfast yeah that's not a big deal so right but but then i had literally you haven't done i mean i've been working out but no cardio for years yeah and i go out there and it's like it was so pathetic like to to something that i used to do routinely that i could barely i'm like i made it like 150 feet before i was like and you smoke too and i smoke yeah it's not gonna help you it was bad it was because you know what i realized is i was like, oh, I thought I had decent cardio. But I realized I was only taking care of my lungs to the point where enough to have sex. And I was like, oh, and I'm good.

I can have sex and I'm good. And now I realize that's not enough. If I just came and my house was on fire, I would die in that house. I would have nothing in the house. She would get out, though. Bye, Brian. He's on the second floor. I'd be like...

It was a lot going on. We finished, though. Ari ran with me like a pro. Did anybody knock it out? Did anybody show up? Who was really good? Who was fast? They weren't timing it. Isn't that the whole point? I got done, they were like, what was your time? I was like, I don't know.

I didn't keep track. I thought that's what those things are. I think maybe they were, because Ari and I both showed up last. We literally, they closed the starting line after we went. That sounds right. Yeah, and then we finished last, too. So maybe whatever they were doing, they had already shut it down. Did you run the whole time or did you walk?

Hell no, I didn't run the whole time. No, no. I ran. We would walk, and then we would sprint between. already shut it down. Did you run the whole time or did you walk? Hell no, I didn't run the whole time. No, no. I ran, I ran, like we would like, we would like walk and then we would sprint between, we were going to sprint

to that cone and we would sprint and then we would walk and then it was like, let's just walk. Yeah, just walk it off. And then I was like,

well, but then I was like, but wait a minute, but when we see, we have to run, we have to be running when we cross the finish line. Yeah,

when you turn a corner, you got to do that thing. Yeah. And that's what we do. We turn the corner, we're like, that's enough distance to break a sweat and cross the finish line. Yeah, when you turn a corner, you got to do that thing. And that's what we do. We turn a corner. We're like, that's enough distance to break a sweat and cross the finish line with some out of breath. Because this is for content.

They need the content. Yeah, that's for the internet. They don't need the content. But you know what I'm saying. No, they need the content. I know there's cameras. Yeah, there are. Oh, with Tom and Bert, there's never not cameras.

Yeah, there's cameras. I used to run five to seven miles every day or every two days. But after I got injured, I stopped running. Now I just do rowing and elliptical and bike and all that stuff because the pressure on my back, I don't like anymore. No, rowing is awesome. I have a rowing machine. Shit's phenomenal. Well, that's good cardio.

It is, but it's hard for me to use because it's not made for chubby people. Yeah, there's not a chubby machine. When you get up to that right there, it's not me. Yeah, you got to move. You got to situate your nuts a certain way. Yeah, you got to spread it out. Yeah. And you know what's funny?

I saw Burt the night before. I saw him polishing off a bottle. And I was like, aren't you running tomorrow? He was like, oh, yeah. And he ran twice. He did the first run with the fans and then did the second run with the celebrity. Yeah, he's Mickey Mantle, bro. But he really really is a machine he really is an unstoppable force that guy until

something stops him we will he is uh he is beauty in motion where you're like i guess it just works and i don't know how he does it when i was on fully loaded same thing well you know you know this is he his philosophy is i'm i i do everything to stay healthy enough so that I can drink like this and party like this. I know. I feel that. And I'm like, okay. I get it. Because it's better than nothing.

I can't talk shit at all. He's better than knowing what I'm doing. But I don't drink like that. No, you're not that kind of drinker. You like to have a couple. But you're not like a... Yeah, I don't get fucked up. I've never seen you real fucked up.

It's happened from time to time, but very seldomly. Pretty rarely. Yeah. I'm never going to get so drunk I puke. That hasn't happened since I was a child. There was a couple people last night, I can't say their names, but they were fucking ripped at Gillis' thing. I mean, annihilated. I've been getting much more drunk than I usually do here this week.

Well, this Netflix thing has been getting everybody. Yeah, because some people, you got to pace yourself. I ain't going to say who, but I ran into somebody in's like, I ain't gonna say who, but like, I ran into somebody in the lobby and I'm like, yo, what's going on? He's like, yeah, I'm hungover.

We did Molly. It's like, Molly on day one? Yeah, no, it's not a day one drug. Yeah, that's not a day one drug. That's day four, maybe. Three or four.

Yeah, that's like, I leave in a couple days. Right? Yeah, where I can go recover where I live. Yeah, it's like, once I got done all my obligations

is when I was like like I'm turning it up and because the store man the store is the last time I was here was August when I was running my hour before I shot my special Live from the Mothership on Netflix right now go watch yeah I'm sure they have people that are watching this have probably watched it

probably yeah but I I get to the store the last time I was here it was almost like sad it was like the back bar had like boxes in it and it was like

hardly anyone here and nobody hanged up to that set and I get here for the festival and it's fucking wall to wall packed people

like people everywhere just cramped in it was like the old days yeah it was fucking awesome and then when the festival's over it'll die down a little bit but it has gotten

it's back to how it feels a lot more now. I mean, the fact that through nothing that Netflix dictated, the store has kind of become, everyone kind of ends up there at the end of the night. Yeah, it's like where the after-after party is. But they still were killing me a little bit because they were following all the rules and shit. Really? Yeah, they came through Sacred Ground last night and was like, okay, it's 2 p.m bit because they were following all the rules and shit. Really? Yeah. They came through Sacred Ground last night and was like, okay, it's 2 p.m.

We need to take all the drinks. I'm like, really? That's a little weird. Well, you know how it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a little corporate. It's a new regime now. Yeah.

It's like, we're supposed to be breaking the rules a little bit. That was the point. Yeah. That's what Sacred Ground was. But like I said, you know what I realize now, too, is like, that doesn't belong to me anymore. Like, the store and that scene, it belongs to the door guys in the Young Comics. Yeah. And so it is whatever they make it.

So if y'all want to be fucking rude followers, that's not on me. I know that feels that way, too. Now that I'm older, it's like I go back. So that's kind of my office now. I have to go to work, and then I have to leave. Yeah. But I see all the young interns. The store's like my alma mater. Yeah. My alma mater. Yeah, I go back. So that's kind of my office now. I have to go to work and then I have to leave. Yeah. But I see all the young interns. It's like my alma mater.

Yeah. Yeah, I go back to school sometimes. Yeah. I go to a game once in a while. Yeah, but it was awesome, man. The crowd was awesome. That's what's changed after the special is like a different recognition from the crowd. Right.

You know, like a different pop. Well, they love you going in. Right, right. It's not show me something. It's I can't wait to see. And it's not even like, oh, I a different pop. Well, they love you going in. Right, right, right. It's not show me something. It's I can't wait to see. And it's not even like, oh, I know that guy. It's like, oh, that's who I came. Yeah.

It's a different kind of excitement. I paid money to watch you. Yeah, no, it's great to watch. Are you loving Austin, huh? I love Austin, yeah. Yeah, you like it down there. Yeah, yeah. Will this be your first summer down there or second summer?

No, this will be my third summer. Holy shit. No, you're right. This will be your first summer down there or second summer? No, this will be my third summer. Holy shit. No, you're right. This will be my... Second summer. No, this will be the third summer, yeah. Holy shit. Yeah.

And I... But, I mean, it does get nuts because it's the same temperature. It's the same climate as here. It's just way more humidity. So it sucks that it gets... The humidity sucks. It's hot and sweaty in the day, and then it's cold at night. And we get the occasional thunderstorm.

It was a thunderstorm three nights in a row. The weather just changes every five minutes. It's kind of nuts. Yeah, but it's fine. You used to go jump in the lake or some bullshit. And more bugs. There's way more bugs. All type of different bugs.

Yeah, we don't have any bugs. It's fantastic. I don't know how we did that, but we did it. Well, y'all got a little mosquitoes, but there, man, it's bugs. It's all type of bugs bugs yeah we don't have any bugs it's fantastic i don't know how we did that but we did it well y'all got a little mosquitoes but there man it's bugs it's all type of bugs all year round every year i've lived there i had a different type of bug problem you know you can get fucking scorpions out that bitch yeah no see when i was living in arizona we used to have to smack our shoes if you had sandals or slides outside you'd have to smack them because scorpions and snakes and bullshit yeah the in the in the the Texans, they take some kind of weird pride in it, you know?

Even if it's like negative 20 degrees outside, you're like, well, at least there's not any bugs. And they're like, oh, no, actually, we have, you know, Austin winter bosps. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah, the bosps will get you. Yeah, it's like there's something. There's bugs every year, all year round. You think you'll live in Texas now forever? You think this is it?

You a Tejas man? live in texas now forever you think this is it you're a tejas man i know i'm gonna live there as i'm gonna live there for the at least the next five six years wow because i you know because i'm i'm really behind the mothership like i wanted to thrive oh it's thriving yeah yeah but but uh but you know but who knows like if joe ever fades out of the spot because that's going to be the real test as long as joe's alive around, the mothership will be thriving. You think the baton won't be passed to somebody else? I don't know. I don't know.

What if it's your ass? Because the only other example we have is the store. Sure. And as soon as the matriarch was gone, it kind of fell apart. It just kind of, well, it shifted as does time and comedy. That's the other thing. What's hard to say is was one thing the cause of the other because comedy doesn't continue to do this gradual uptick. There are huge downslopes, and I've seen them both.

I've seen when one club was a bit. I've seen that all here after almost 20 years. So what's interesting is what it will look like in the next regime of it but it just depends on who kind of takes over over there right because they can continue the same vibe it just really depends on who cares enough you gotta give a shit someone's gotta give a shit yeah yeah i think you have the multiple people that give and also this little baby boom that's happening right now is gonna have a reality check too i mean we're the biggest we've ever been.

Bloomberg wrote an article saying comedy is like three times larger than it was 10 years ago, like in terms of ticket sales and everything. Right. It's nuts. We're hitting the ceiling a little bit. It's a little nuts. It always reminds me of Burr going in the green room of the store and being like, have you seen the fucking parking lot?

It's a Bentley's and shit. Because it was like Russell Peters was there and Cat Williams. He's like, they're going to fucking audit us, dude. They're going dude they're gonna close this down and i was like yeah it does feel that way it is true um yeah and but i'm here you know as long as you managing your shit say put your money away you're fine yeah and and here's the other thing too is like i believe i forget who i heard say this but it's like hard times create a meritocracy yeah because the the if you're really good at this, you will survive the down slope and you'll be around for the next bubble.

The sting hurts a little bit. The little hiccup hurts. The bumps hurt for sure. And I've seen that happen to so many guys. Then I've seen people come out the other side. There's dudes I know that, not to name, but they've struggled. And then they had a little pop

and they thought that that was going to be it, and then way down. But then now back up again. Now like things are happening again. I think it's all what you make it anyway. I mean, that's a big part of it. Are you focusing on ladies at all or no? You going to get a lady out there?

I'm doing what I'm doing. Oh, you're doing your thing? I'm doing my thing. I just got out of a relationship. You did? Yeah, last year, like late last year. But it's not, got out of a relationship. You did? Yeah, last year, like late last year. But it's all good.

You're a free man now. It's good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I always live free. Yeah, you do. You'll never get married, you think? I don't know. I just feel like that's a bad deal. Yeah, it is a pretty bad deal.

Like, listen, I feel like, listen, if you already got a wife, you got out the game just in time. Yeah. It's a bad deal. Like, like, listen, I feel like, listen, if you already got a wife, you got out the game just in time. Yeah. It's a bad deal. Like, I, you know, like,

if you took what marriage is and you wrote it out on a piece of paper and you took it to a lawyer, they would be like, don't sign that. Yeah. Who's trying to get you to sign this?

Yeah. It's a, it's a scam. It's like, it's a bad contract. Yeah. But, but again,

but I also, I understand it. Like, that's not acceptable to most women. Right. Like, I need to be able to destroy you for me to feel loved.

You know what I mean? So, I don't know. I just can't see it. If you ever hear that I'm getting engaged, that's a special. I can't wait to hear that shit. I can't wait for you to fall in love with some fool. You just drown yourself. You know what I mean?

You know what I mean? You see, the problem is I fall in love all the time. But you don't go that far. I fall out of love just as easy. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. On Monday, I'll be like, yo, the problem is I fall in love all the time. But you don't go that far. I fall out of love just as easy. All right, yeah, yeah. On Monday, I'll be like, yo, she the one. And on Wednesday, I'll be like, I can't stand this bitch. That's everybody.

Right. That's all of us. Just sometimes you go, yeah, but I think this one is going to last. I feel like this is something different. Yeah, maybe. I think you know what it is. I think the problem is the amount of times I've thought that and been wrong

and then you stop trusting your picker you know oh yeah you gotta put that picker away you're like nah bro no I'm telling you no I did

but this one this one and then you know six months later you're like what the fuck was I thinking or the wild shit is when you have your friends

say to you yeah we never we couldn't stand that bitch and no one ever said anything I'm like tell me though I wanna know dude cause I feel like who's your go to guy

who's the one person you could go to Poston yeah yeah I was just gonna say Poston would be like cause Derek would be like that's

we don't like that bitch we don't like that girl yeah because you gotta say it right away yeah if you wait if you wait until I'm in love

and I'm feeling good about it then it feels like it feels disrespectful it also feels dishonest. You knew? How did you not say anything if you knew? It's like, you were excited.

I didn't want to really. We went to dinner twice. But so posting it, my older brother would say something too. Does he live in Austin, your older brother? No, he lives in D.C. Okay, I was just going to say. But he'd be like, yo, that bitch ain't it. Yeah, but that does hurt your feelings when someone goes, like, I dated someone and people are like, we was just going to say. But you'd be like, yo, that bitch ain't it. Yeah, but that does

hurt your feelings when someone goes, like, I dated someone and people were like, we couldn't stand that woman. Yeah, after she done ruined my life. Yeah, I was like,

why didn't you tell me before she threw a knife at me? That would have helped. Yeah, I did a background check. She was a scam artist. What? Well, yeah, why did you not inform me

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are you going out on the road now? You working on a new hour? You gotta be, right? I got a new hour, yeah. All right. Yeah, I was working on it before I filmed the last one. Oh, you were? Because that thing

was already done for you. You were already... No, it wasn't finished, but I just like, I think my strategy now is like, I just, I take a break from the material so it doesn't feel stale sure like i do that like like eight weeks out and so for six weeks i did i was only working on new stuff and then for the last two weeks i run the hour as much as i can that's smart i like

to get away from it before i film a little bit because i just get nervous that it's gonna feel like uh routine yeah i'm hitting too many. Yeah. It's like you don't need that much batting practice. Yeah, because I think you've got to be a little scared. You've got to be a little not... It has to feel a little like, I've got to find it a little, you know? Yeah, because otherwise I think if it's too massaged,

even they can tell that you've done it too much and you don't really like saying it. Right, right, right. It's like they want to see that you're finding it as well. Like you're coming back to it, you know? then shout out to baron baron vaughn he directed the fuck out of that oh i love that dude yeah man i don't know he directed your special yeah man no shit fucking genius i think it's the first special he directed but i knew it i knew he would do i knew he would knock it out of the park well of course well he's really really bright dude

you talked to that guy you could tell he's really bright he just like every time i'm around him it's like just brilliant shit is just spilling out of his head. He can't help it. He can't turn it off, and so it just comes out. It overflows. Does he live down there? No, no. He lives in Atlanta.

Okay, I was going to say, he's not here anymore either. No, no, no. But he used to be around here a lot. Yeah, but a lot of people aren't here anymore. Yeah, no, I know. Everybody left. Or they're pretending like they're still here, but they're somewhere else. Right.

They want to make people think that they might be here? They're scared. I don't know. I don't believe in that. Yeah. Yeah. I know everybody left or they're pretending like they're still here, but they somewhere else right they want to make people think that They might be here. Let's get I don't know. I don't believe in that. Yeah. Yeah, I don't give a shit I'll still hold it down out here. I'm gonna be the last man on the boat That's why this is like this I only do I don't do anything to help my career that I'm uncomfortable with hmm, like I don't need to I'm not gonna go to that fucking party because I Is the end result is gonna be someone's gonna not go to that fucking party because I, it's the end result is going to be, someone's going to not like me afterwards, you know? Cause it's not my environment. I'm going to do bad. Yeah. You're, yeah. You're going to, you're going to be, well,

you're going to be the worst version of you, which you don't want to do anyway. And so it's like, and I don't even want to be here. I don't want to meet that person that bad. I don't want it. So it was like, I feel like if you just fuck with the people that fuck with you, you'll get the things like you, obviously you can if you just fuck with the people that fuck with you, you'll get the things. Obviously, you can thrive that way. The people that are good at, you know, like some people are very skilled at talking to you for 30 seconds, and it feels like they talk to you for 15 minutes. Oh, yeah. And they'll go through and work the whole party and walk away, and everybody will love them, but I'm not that person.

I think of someone right now that's so funny. Oh, yeah. that skill and i i envy it i admire it but i don't got it no i don't think you need it i think you've got the other thing which is like you come in comfortably if it works for you and then you move when you move right but it's frustrating for my my team fuck you sometimes i say no to stuff when they're like what fuck them i just i just i can't you know they're deciding what uh they're deciding what island to vacation to. I don't fucking know. Yeah, because you learn real quick. It's like motherfuckers will be like, you know.

Because if you say yes to please everybody, and then later on go, I was miserable. They go, well, you should have said something. I know. Right? So I was like, I always say something now. No, you do. Yeah, you have to. I'm like, I don't want to do that shit.

Yeah. Well, now are you like, are you entering this world of like being surrounded by you know famous people and all this other bullshit that are in your in your sphere more it's slowly starting to happen be careful you know but it's like but but because i'm in austin it's like most of the time when i meet a famous person there's more a more you know there's more famous people around oh yeah because i'm almost always around joe or shane or tony you know so it there's not a there's no pressure on me to be anything right other than you right right well i don't you the more people i meet anyway the more i'm less more me and less of the thing anyway because i just

i don't care at this point yeah no i like like if i meet a famous person and and it and then it's apparent that like i that they aren't the sort of person that would really be my friend then i'm good i don't want i don't want to keep the i don't like being around you is it i would rather be alone yeah i'd rather be because like I like being alone so much that I'm always measuring every experience like is this better than me being alone you know yeah I get I get talked in this shit or forced in this shit and then I do it like in my girl or somebody be like oh but you had a great time I'm like no no I made a great time of it but I would still have rather been

somebody somewhere else there were other things i was thinking about doing and i didn't want to be here like everybody's mad look when i did when i when i first when i originally got just for laughs it was during the pandemic so it was here instead of in canada oh wow and but and i was like thank god because i don't want to go to yeah that's far i hate going to canada and and everyone else was like what you don't want to go to montreal like no's far i hate going to canada and and everyone else is like what you don't want to go to montreal like no not really no that's budget america it's great value america yeah it's like um theme park europe it feels like it feels like a disneyland version of france like you can tell it's fabricated you're like this is every but you know what everybody in that city

is a little sexy i like that part the the women have an air to them that's significantly different yeah it's a it's a weird like effortless confidence yeah yeah i don't know what that is because they think they're european i think that's what i think they think they're european but you're not you're canadian because america's like full of like white girls that hate themselves yeah and and white dudes i think yeah but when you get up there they they're it's like it's a different thing they're like but we are French why would that hit me

I mean love with myself yeah I can move freely through the world they have a name for them they call them coubecois yeah coubecois

I was like wow so I've realized the rest of Canada don't really fuck with y'all well yeah no yeah but also they don't care

Montreal is the Texas of Canada oh yeah they don't give a shit about anybody else liking them or not liking them. They'd rather be on their own. If they could succeed, they would. We putting this poutine on everything. Yeah, fuck it. But they're all skinny.

I know, because they walk everywhere. They got health care. The health care thing is probably a two. And they don't eat as much as we eat. I just ate a fucking sandwich an hour ago that I knew I didn't need the whole thing. But I liked it so much that I was like i'm gonna finish the whole thing the discipline here it's you don't need they give you more than you should ever need and you think well if they gave it to me i might as well i mean what's wrong with eating the whole fucking thing but it's like so much

because there's not a there's not a guy measuring what's a right amount of sandwich. Do you know what I mean? Right, right, right. They're just giving you sandwich. And you're going, okay, this place gives me one this big. Well, I guess I'll eat it. It's cut in half. For some reason, cutting it in half in your mind goes, wow, it's.

Yeah, and up there, I was up there, you get like a four-piece chicken. And they bring you these little tiny pieces of chicken. Yeah. And you're like, what the fuck is this? And you're like, oh, that's right. They're not. They're not. Not gluttonous. Poisoning of shit. Yeah. You're like, what the fuck is this? And you're like, oh, that's right. They're not. They're not. Not gluttonous.

Poisoning the birds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not gluttonous stuffing them with water and solution to swell them and make them juicier. No, they don't do any of that bullshit. But I don't care. You know, we'll die fat and happy. So who gives a shit?

Yeah, that's the plan. What's your city now that you like playing? Like, what city are you selling the best in what's been the best city for you like you know how like i know because where you're at right now in your career is like i know you're selling great tickets you're all over the country and then you start to see the cities that show you like i had cities show me love that i didn't even think denver denver shows you a lot of love Denver, Philly and Madison was constant

Madison one of the greatest I pretty much expect to sell out what about San Francisco no Seattle I sell a lot of tickets in Seattle fuck San Francisco so funny man I do so well in San Francisco

it's unexplainable. I've always liked them. It's always had a good time. But I always, always sell well in that city. No, I think I've always sold well, but I just don't like being there. The city itself? Yeah. The audiences are fucking phenomenal.

The audiences are great. They're great, man. But you know you don't like the city. I don't like the city. It's Manhattan with hills. Yeah, hilly Manhattan. Yeah. It's a trash can with hills.

You know what I mean? It is. Yeah, but you know what? You get yourself up early enough, go to Buena Vista, have an Irish coffee, walk the water. Dude, any city, Houston, San Francisco, and New York, oh, and cleveland the only cities i've been in where it's like you would just randomly get hit with big warm pockets of air that smell like different bad smells yeah right just piss and then you know you turn a corner shit you turn another corner

decaying uh roadkill yeah and I just I just I can't I can't stand Houston's that to you huh yeah oh yeah Houston's bad

I think I think the toughest city we had on tour was Memphis Memphis is tough Memphis is tough I don't think I've ever Memphis is just kind of

it's just not the warmest place I don't know if they want us there I don't know if they give a shit about us there it's just not the warmest place i don't know if they want us there i don't think they give a shit about us there it's kind of like uh show up and get the fuck out do your show and get the fuck out yeah and it's why because i know it's weird because i know so many i meet so many people from memphis and i always love those people i know tennessee is a great place like there's so many good spots in tennessee i just something about it gives me the like, I don't know. I feel that way about Pittsburgh. I go to Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh fucks you up, huh? I don't belong here. This feels like they want me out. Yeah, as a black dude too? Right, right. Pittsburgh has no black dudes, you think, huh? No, it's black people in Pittsburgh. Yeah. But it's the surrounding areas.

Right, like, yeah, yeah, rural Pennsylvania. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I think the Pittsburgh clubs are not in Pittsburgh. They always like 30 miles outside of Pittsburgh. Yeah. Why can't I think of the name of that thing in Pittsburgh? What's wrong with me? The,

um, is it a funny bone or a damn? No, but there's also like, there's a, like a, a little music venue that everybody plays. Um,

the, um, Oh, Carnegie hall of something. It's not Carnegie hall, but it's called Carnegie hall of whatever it is. Hall of something. It's not Carnegie Hall. But it's called Carnegie Hall of whatever it is outside of Pittsburgh. It's going to fucking piss me off to not know. Because now I absolutely have to know.

Carnegie Hall of wherever it is. But, yeah, Munn Hall. Munn Hall. Carnegie Hall of Munn Hall? Yeah, it's called Carnegie of Homestead. Music Hall. Okay. Whatever, man. It is what it is. I've never heard of thathall? Yeah, it's called Carnegie of Homestead. Music Hall. Okay. Whatever, man.

It is what it is. I've never heard of that shit. Yeah, but it's a cool little venue, and it's, how many seats is it? You're playing it, for sure. The next time you go out there, it's a thousand. Okay, yeah. Yeah, 1,048. See what I mean?

You're playing it. That's the size of venues you're doing right now, right? Well, we're ramping up to that I think I think Once the fall hits I'm gonna do my first Theater

Theater yeah I can't wait for you bro I'm doing The joint up in Boston The What the Oh the Wilbur The Wilbur

Oh yeah that's So that's gonna be my first theater You're gonna love that shit Hell yeah I'm gonna sell that bitch out Now are you at the point Now you're taking people With you onbur. Oh, yeah. So that's going to be my first theater. You're going to love that shit. Hell yeah. I'm going to sell that bitch out. Now, are you at the point now you're taking people with you on the road? Oh, yeah, yeah. Who are you taking?

Most of the time, I mean, obviously. People that I know or no? Most of the time, I take one of the homies, you know, a son. I mean, I can't take Derek anymore because he's always with Schultz. Yeah. Or I'll take one of the door guys from the mothership. You can't steal him from Schultz? That is so funny.

Well, no. I mean, listen, if it was something important like he like he opened he uh he opened my special if it's something important like that yeah but you know schultz pays him can pay him way more than that yeah well you know what's so funny is a lot of those guys they want to move around like chris o'connor who's one of my best friends he uh you know he was coming with me because he was opening up without me and then i was like oh come with me and he had opening up without me, and then I was like, oh, come with me. And he had already been gone with Shane before Shane started to really blow up. And so we both were taking him, and I don't think anybody gives a shit. No, I don't think anybody.

Yeah, like Derek has first dibs, but he's usually busy. Yeah, on Schultz. Yeah, Schultz is doing all right. And they kind of go out of line. Madison Square Garden is not bad. Yeah, but also I like the dual guys that I see really working hard. I like to take not bad. Yeah, but also I like the, you know, the door guys that I see, like, really working hard. I like to take them places. Yeah.

Yeah, when I was out there, man, there was a lot of people I was watching that I really liked to see. Like, a lot of, like, young up-and-coming hustlers. You could tell they're grinding in the thing. Yeah, because the environment is much, it's a lot. It's like they really are talking comedy and grinding, like, sharpening each other. Yeah, they're trying. They're putting in the work. Yeah, yeah. Most yeah some of them some people are lazy well yeah some people are lazy and then they turn around and wonder why everybody else is like you don't do shit yeah

what did you think was gonna fucking happen some people like it blows my mind the amount of people that don't do anything different and be whining i mean that's but i feel like that's a microcosm of the problems of the world. Yeah. Everybody wants it. Because also, listen, here's a big tip, if you're trying to get into this business, this is a likability business. Yeah. If nobody likes you, you're going to have a hard time. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Because there are, listen, I do have peers that are fucking dickheads, but they're funny enough that people tolerate it. So it's like, you got to be hilarious for people to put up with you being an asshole. Yeah, and they do. And they do, and they will. Some of them become the most famous comics in the world.

Yeah, but you got to work hard to be that funny. 100%. Yeah, so it's like the lazy people don't, they don't, you know, unless you're smoking hot, you can't get ahead being lazy. Even then, you're going to have so much more scrutiny. Oh, yeah. hot, you can't get ahead being lazy. Even then, you're going to have so much more scrutiny. When you get through and part of it is because you look a certain kind of way, they're looking

at you. Once you've banged everybody or told them that you won't bang them, that's all opportunities. You've told everybody how much you won't bang them and then that thing stops. Everybody wants to see what else is next then. Or they subscribe to your OnlyFans or whatever.

That's the wildest shit now, how many people are on OnlyFans. It's mind-blowing. It's kind of beautiful, the fact that a new industry was created. And Joe Biden is creating jobs. He's an OnlyFans supporter. Is he? No, I have no fucking idea. He probably is.

Yeah. jobs he's an only fan supporter is he no i have no probably is yeah because look i if you see if you see a for whatever reason instagram like they they every time they show me a hot woman and i go to her profile if there's a link in her bio 85 of the time is only man yeah you know what they put up now they put like a chili pepper like. Oh, yeah. Dude, it's so funny. Every time I'm on a Explore page, I'm on the shitter, and I see a good-looking chick, and I click on her profile, and I'm like, ooh, who is this chick? Is she like a model, a dancer, or whatever? And it always has the thing, the link to their OnlyFans. Look, I ain't mad at you.

No, get paid. No, get paid. But don't act like you better than the niggas that are subscribing to you. I hate it when they like- Right, like you think you're above the people that pay you? They call the subscribers creeps. Yeah. These creeps are just paying to see my titties.

It's like, you're putting your titties up there. You did it. Yeah. Yeah. That's like us hating people that laugh at your shit. Right, exactly. You're like, bro, I want it. That's the whole goal was you to be there to pay me to do the thing.

But did you hear about this kid recently? the whole goal was you to be there to pay me to do the thing but did you hear about this kid recently he um i think he got expelled from school because people were passing around pictures of his mom from all only fans he got expelled because he beat the shit out of some kid oh well i get that yeah yeah that's gonna keep that's gonna keep coming up yeah dude yeah the amount of moms that the amount of moms that are uh on only fans now and don't know that their future mom's on the way out, it's a bummer. It's coming. The internet is forever. And also, it's got to be keeping this in an algorithm somewhere that when one thing is found about your mom, it all comes flooding out at the exact same time.

You know what I think? I think we need a reset. Crash the internet? about your mom it all comes flooding out at the exact same time well i know what i think i think we need a reset crash the internet i i think i did you know i think it needs to be an official government like we're wiping the internet because we didn't know we were doing it first right so now everyone gets a chance to approach the internet knowing what it is smart right like like like everything goes away yeah everything goes from scratch Everything you've ever, not the articles and stuff like that, but all posts, all social media posts get erased. I kind of like this. So everybody gets a do-over, and now we know how to be careful.

Start now. Well, because I see my buddy's son is like 14 or 15, and he doesn't really post at all. But when I was younger obviously not that young because it wasn't available yet but we posted everything we did he doesn't really post because he's kind of scared of what to post he doesn't want to say anything or do anything that gets the criticism or the hatred or the he wants none of it a little bit and i get that because you're so inundated by seeing so much hate or so much love that i think it's overwhelming for someone young to be like well i don't even want to put up a photo but a lot but you know what's wild is like a lot a lot of them are like really

behind in the social skills though because they well they don't have to go do the thing yeah they when they hang out it's online like you remember going to the pool in the summer some shit like that or going like a summertime hangout spot and you were forced to either like talk to the girl that you were uncomfortable talking to or befriend the group that you thought was really cool like you had to go out of your way to feel feelings of like discomfort and vulnerability and it makes you a stronger person you also decide you start to decide at that point in your life what's worthwhile for you right right and if you don't have that i think that's a well you know because now kids have they're taught the opposite that that they should never be uncomfortable that nothing should they shouldn't have so much should be uncomfortable your whole life is extremely uncomfortable yeah that's why the

older you get you feel it more and more about how you get not complacent but you get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, like I'm more comfortable now than I've ever been about being uncomfortable. There's so much pressure and bullshit, you know, that you're like, I don't fucking care. That's why I find my little bullshit hobbies, you know?

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Yo, come with me. Come with me. Everyone keeps talking about it. You know what I'm going to do? The advice I'm going to give, I'm going to go to the driving range a few times and see if I like it. No, fuck, just go. No, no, let's just go. Because if you go to the driving range and you don't do well, you're going just go i like no no let's just go because if you go to the driving range you don't do well you're gonna go fuck this i don't want to

play right yeah but let's just go play then if you don't like it while you're playing you can just walk you can go i'm out that's easier then because the driving range is not a good testament to the game it's not gonna it's not gonna feel the same just go play and fuck up what is so addictive about it? Is there a small selective group of people you really enjoy hanging out with? Yeah. Okay. Imagine you doing that outside with them, drinking,

smoking, riding along in a miniature little car for a couple hours with people that you really love and then a little bit of competition behind it. That's the best way I can describe it. Hanging out with my best, the people I love the most to spend time with,

outside, drink, smoke, do whatever you want to do, and a little bit of competition on the edge of it, which I like a little competition. You play games because you like a little bit of competition. Yeah, a little bit of competition. So it's the same kind of thing, without having to be like,

I have to run a fucking 5K. But I like the competition that I have a chance in yeah i understand but you can gain a chance with time like anything else if i picked up a game right now you'd fuck me up so bad in any game you play i don't play video games but i'd be intrigued by the idea that i might be able to get better at it and if you have that bug golf is the same thing okay i could dig that you're, I might be able to get better at it. I'm going to try. For years, Rogan always made fun of me about it. And now I think I smell him a little bit going, maybe.

Maybe I would try it, maybe. You know? Burr said the same thing. Burr was like, dude, it's so fucking stupid. You're going to get cancer? He was saying that. You sat in the sun all fucking day? I was like, you'd love it, dude.

And then he tried a few times, and he does love it. He's like, I can't commit't commit though Because I'm an addict And I'll never stop Right like I'll over I'll just go way too much Which is what we all do But who gives a shit That's my vice

That's like my favorite Fucking shit on earth Golf Oh my god I want to do it Every day till I die It's expensive though Yeah it gets a little expensive

But I mean you don't It doesn't have to be Right There's probably Municipal courses in Texas So you one of those people Like when you hit the road Expensive, though. Yeah, it gets a little expensive. But, I mean, it doesn't have to be, right? There's probably municipal courses in Texas. So you're one of those people who are like, when you hit the road, you set aside time to go to certain courses. I'm bringing my bag tomorrow when I go to Nashville, and I'm going to go play twice. Once with my dad's best friend and once with Court McCown.

You know Court. Oh, yeah. Yeah, and a couple other dudes. Sounds exhausting. Bargatze's not going to be there, but he's usually in Tennessee. John Chris. No, dude, it's great. Dude, you know, because I realized throughout my life, the amount of opportunities I've missed out on because I didn't play golf are tremendous.

Yeah, but I mean, you find it in the other things that you involve yourself in, though. You know what I mean? Like whatever your other thing is, that's the crew you accumulate naturally anyway. You can't force your hand into a thing that you don't really love. Right, right. But what I mean is there are people whose company you just won't have

if you don't play golf. I get it. Well, yeah, I guess. I know what you mean. You're not going to get to hang out with certain people because that's what they're doing. Right. When I was in the military, I remember our commander walked through and was like, you play golf?

I was like, no. He was like, you play golf? I was like, yeah. Never seen that motherfucker again. He ended up being the commander's driver because he played golf because he loved him so much. But he only learned that he loved him because he was on the golf course with me. You should have just lied. Uh-huh.

Oh, man. Yeah. Because I would have got frowned on. Sarge, I play. Yeah. Yeah, but I didn't know. I didn't know what this deal was. But it's that kind of that kind of shit yeah no i well i know what you mean though i like it has it does open up a different world of opportunities but i you found that in other things you found

that in being a stand-up right like i found that when i played pickup basketball at the elementary school with all these other guys in beverly hills like those things that you found you were in love with naturally they led you to the group you needed to be around. But golf doesn't keep you in shape, right? No. No. Okay. No. Which, to be honest with you, if you're already working out,

it's just another fun thing to do where you don't have to exercise to play. Like every other sport, you have to exercise while you're playing. You know what I mean? You're playing pickleball or tennis or pickle basketball. You're exercising while you're having fun. But does exercising help you at golf? 100%. Okay.

The best golfers in the world are, well, arguably some of the fit guys. Like Rory McIlroy is one of the most fit motherfuckers. I mean, Tiger was jacked. He was jacked? Bro, it's so funny. Most people that don't follow golf don't know. I'll show you a picture right now of Tiger Woods.

Look, he's a little bit older now, and he's been injured a thousand times. But he's, bro, he was massive. I mean, and just swole as fuck in, like, the best shape. He learned that getting in shape was going to help him so much more than all these other dudes in golf. I mean, you would never think a guy like this, like, does that look like a golfer to you?

Oh, no. Yeah, no, he's in great shape. You know what I mean? He would never think a guy like this, like, does that look like a golfer to you? Oh, no. Yeah, no, he's in great shape. You know what I mean? He built like a DB. Yeah, but that's what I'm saying is like, he learned at a young age getting in phenomenal shape. I mean, like, hold on, look at that. That's not a golfer. That looks like a fucking football player.

He is a huge golfer. Yeah. I never thought about it. Yeah, but because what it is is the advantage was flexibility and strength are the two things that you really need in golf. If you're very flexible and you have good strength

and power with hand eye, obviously, is the most important, but the older generation didn't give a fuck. They were like, if I'm just good at hitting, it's striking the ball cleanly.

I don't, who cares? Who cares how far it goes? I'm still the best. I'm still good. right, right. But he was like,

technology and being fit was a new generational thing. So now, all these guys work out. They all work out. They all work out. I mean, they're not all yoked,

but Bryson DeChambeau is this dude in there. He's a, he looks like a fucking linebacker. There's a couple of dudes, he hits it like 330 off the tee. That is very, very fucking far.

Yeah. I saw Tiger do some shit where like he embarrassed where he he hit it off his knees hit it off his knees yeah that's impossible yeah it's hilarious

where the two guys said they were gonna end a driving competition he sat on his knees and did it yeah he is arguably the greatest of all time

it'd be like Jordan doing it's like someone being like you know I can dunk like's like someone being like, you know, I can dunk like this and Jordan being like, well,

I'll do it with my eyes closed just to fuck with you. Yeah, at 60. Yeah, and he still would. I read an article, somebody said that Jordan

has admitted to having a bunch of kids all over the country. He's like the amount of women that I was laced up in the late 90s with and Anthony Edwards who plays for the Timberwolves,

they keep doing this thing where he looks like him a little bit. They put his face side by side, and they're like, could this be? This is like the internet. I know, it's so funny, though. But the internet, when they create these conspiracy theories, you want to believe them because they're fun as fuck. Even if you know in your heart.

Like, what are some of your favorite conspiracy theories that exist? What do you actually believe in? Is there a few that you're like, oh, hell yeah. I mean, the Kennedy one. There's something there for sure. Well, yeah. The wildest one was somebody said he killed himself. I was like, that's the wildest shit.

We saw him die. I know it's wild. They say the camera didn't really catch. The Secret Service member had a gun in the front seat, they said. And he turned around. And they tried to freeze it to see if the gun was from the Secret Service member in the front seat the front seat, they said, and he turned around and they tried to freeze it to see if the gun was from the Secret Service member in the front seat. There was some wild-ass shit. You know what's so scary

about the Kennedy thing? Hmm. Is that every president since everything was supposed to be uncovered, every single president has opted not to. I know. Like, they were supposed to release all the files three, four presidents ago. And each party, Bush said no, Obama said no, Trump said no.

And why? I don't, I can't, I can't think of any reason why. Because if, when Trump said no, I was like, we're never going to find out what happened. Yeah, because he'd be the one that'd be like, do it. He'd be the one that's like, we need to do it. Let it go. So it must be, my theory is I think it's because the vice president has something to do with it. Oh, shit.

It's like, who had the most to gain? That motherfucker. 100%. So it's like, I think he had something to do with it. Because what other reason could it be for us to not need to know? Where it's like. Yeah, we need to know. The whole point of the landing was they were waiting until

everyone involved was dead. And everyone involved is dead. So let it go now. And they still won't. They still won't. I read a thing about, I thought it was an Onion article. I literally thought it was an Onion article. I think Bargatze showed me that Robert

at RFK had said that they removed, did you see this? They removed a bug from his brain or something oh yeah yeah he had a dead worm in his brain. What the fuck I was like no way is this real I was like the luck of his families

I know well that's how I was like a bug in his fucking brain yeah it was dead series of health issues abnormally said it was caused by a worm that entered his brain

and then died New York Times reported severe memory loss and mental fog he said in deposition two years labor but he said it there's no other

well he was going through a divorce yeah that's what it is there's a bug in his fucking brain there's a thorn in his craw you can't have it both ways yeah bro you know whatever doctor believed it was abnormally bug in his fucking brain. What else do I have to say? There's a thorn in his craw. You can't have it both ways.

Yeah, bro. You know, whatever. Doctor believed it was abnormally seen as scans. It was caught by a worm that got into his brain and ate a portion of it and then died. I mean, it reads like a fucking Onion article. Politician says worm ate his brain, thus causing him. You know what I mean? Like, that feels like a bit.

Where you're like, why did you have brain fog? It's like a worm got in there. Did they get the worm out worm out yeah apparently it died and they removed it but also show me the fucking worm yeah i want to see that let me see this let me see the x-ray yeah show it off a little bit and also how are you not retarded yeah what do you mean how did you how did a worm eat your brain pick the right part of your brain to eat is that why he started talking like that that's see that's the whole thing that he says that's a well that's a mental what is that called i forget what it is it's like you know um his brain is is doing that to his voice to create that it's not like there's something in his throat it's like a thing from his brain that's doing that okay yeah it was probably the

worm i see let's blame it on the fucking worm. Yeah. But I think that deposition was in a divorce thing, and he was trying to say he had memory trouble. Yeah, I don't remember any of that shit. I was trying to help him in the divorce. I mean, I don't, yeah. Do you remember anything? From what? Do you remember, do you have good memory?

Yeah. My memory's terrible. But you know what it is? I have good memory, but it makes no distinction about whether something's important. I remember the most insignificant bullshit. Right. Yes, but I don't remember monumental things.

Sometimes I'll forget the details are always so foggy with me. That's what scares me, where I'm like, how come I don't remember that thing? My whole life is reminders and notifications and sticky notes, because I know I just forget. You do. Like severe ADHD. You know that feeling of going upstairs to grab something and then when you get up there, you forget what you went up there for?

I do that all the fucking time. Okay, right, but it's literally all day, every day. That's you. That's how you feel? Yeah. But you think it's because you're living so presently? Do you feel like you're living in moments at a time you're focused no i think it's because when when something grabs my attention everything everything that just happened in the last five minutes is

gone uh so i so i literally you know i literally i'll i'll be about to leave out the door grab my phone grab my wallet and go oh shit my keys are upstairs and then get upstairs and grab my keys and run me down the keys and go, where's my phone? And then go back up there to get the phone. Like, oh, God, here's the phone. Where did the fucking keys go? And it's every day, all day.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What's that attributed to, do you think? I think it's ADHD. You think it's ADHD? Yeah, yeah, for sure. See, because for me, I do that. I forget stuff or I just blank on where I put the thing.

I lost one of my car keys and that's very unlike me. But this was like a tipping point for me to be like a little scared of how much I'm forgetting. Yeah, but I think it's because I'm also just like I'm doing too many things. My wife's always like, you're doing too much. Your brain's running at such a high level. Yeah. You got to slow the fuck down. Yeah.

It can't retain all that information, all that bullshit. Yeah, that's part of it. So insignificant things just go by the wayside. But that used to never be me. I would never forget that kind of shit. But I lost a car key.

I was like, how the fuck did I lose a car key? It has to be in my home. You still don't know where it is. No, it's fucking gone. Oh, that's infuriating. Yes, bro. It's in my house.

And I cannot find that fucking thing. Maybe this sounds a little evil. Well, now I put an air tag on my other one. So this is my strategy. Yeah. And I know you do because you're a comic, so if you have a friend with a drug problem. Oh, yeah. We got a few, yeah. Okay, you just go, hey, listen.

I will give you $100 to come to my house and look for that key and I will give you $1,000 if you find it. That's such a good idea. And they will find it. I lost my passport one time, and I did that. And you're like, come over. I was like, if you find my passport, I'll give you $1,000.

Come over, get high, and go find my passport. Yep. No, no, no, not while you hide, because their goal is to get high afterwards. Oh, right. They need the money to go get high. Yep. You just go, hey. I'm not offering you drugs, but I'm offering you enough money

where you can do drugs and some other shit. That's a great idea. Yeah. i did almost lose my passport now because bob and i are going to abu dhabi and i had to go find it again because i didn't know i just always just i always i misplaced the fuck out of those things are such there needs to be something we shouldn't have to have a passport by the way anymore just i we already are embedded in a system i agree i don't need to show you my license anymore I know you can take a retinal fucking scan I know you have us all logged in they do face ID at the airport now

and I'm like how many times how many times do I have to take that picture every time I go to the airport they're like you have it this isn't faster didn't it know who I was when I walked up I don't get it either documentation like this kind of physical passport

I like to have it because it was cool to look back at where I've been and all that Just nostalgically But you have me You do not I know you need to I know you can take a photo of me in a first world country and go We know exactly who the fuck you are We know your home address, where you live, your social

Just let me I don't need to I don't need to have a thing through my bag Have you ever replaced your social security card? I have my social. Okay, you know you only get, I think, four in your life. And they'll just never issue it again. And they'll just never give you another one.

That's what they say. Well, it'd be great to lose four and then you don't exist. But I'm like, why do you need that? Why do you even need a social security number? You have a DNA. Yeah, well, the social was for them to, it was just data collection. Right, okay.

It was almost like the Census Bureau was using that as a way to understand where your number moved in this country so they could group you into where you went and where your community grows based on your little number. I think that's like almost eugenics where they're like where do these people go and how do we how do we keep them where we need them you gotta know where the italians are so you know 100 you gotta know those guinea waps will fucking get in all sorts of trouble man you gotta keep them sectioned off i could say that i am one that's why i had a fucking great italian sandwich today and i said to the guy next to me because it's a great such a good spot and uh a guy was like i fucking love this place i was like me too man really uh was it i'll say i'll say i'll send it to you i'll send it to you but i was like you know what that's fine i can blow up their spot

because it's in the in the far west valley it's nowhere near where i live um but the guy next to me goes uh nothing like their sandwiches i said nothing like a a good italian sandwich made by four mexican dudes that's my it's uh it's domingo's italian delhi and it's way out west it's out in the west valley it's uh you know it's deep out there it's out in uh what is that almost tarzana or some shit i gave this pastrami yeah yeah i'm a sucker for some pastrami man bro or pastrami is so good that's my new obsession it's the best part of turkey without all the shit you don't like about it

that's exactly right roasted turkey always kind of tastes like shit I don't need fucking regular roasted but the pastrami the turkey pastrami is right on the money what's your late night meal what's your favorite late night thing to eat? After shows and shit and you're done writing and you're about to go to bed.

If you're like, man, I want to have a. Honestly, like I do like a soup. A soup. You like soup at night? I like a good soup. Yeah. Wow. I could not peg you for a soup, dude.

What soup is your soup? I like the Mexican shit with the tortillas on it. Oh, yeah. Like a. But not a really heavy soup, because I like a good pho. Oh, you'll fuck with the pho, huh? I'll fuck with the pho. See, I moved on from pho. The bone broth. I liked pho for a little bit, and then ramen just did what it needed to do for me all the time.

Well, obviously, like ramen, but that ain't a nighttime. Like, ramen's heavy. Yeah, it's heavy. But see, I like to eat heavy and go to bed. To me, a ramen is like a little sundae. Like, ramen's heavy. Yeah, it's heavy. But see, I like to eat heavy and go to bed. To me, a ramen is like a little Sunday. Like, I'm not doing nothing today. Midday, midday, midday, yeah. Because either, depending on where I'm traveling, Sunday or Monday is my, like, I do nothing.

What do you do? You sit in the hotel? I'll stretch. No, no, no, I'm saying, like, that's usually the day I'm getting home. Oh, right. And so I'm like, I'm not doing anything today. Like, I'm not promising nothing. I'm going to sit around all day. I'm going to stretch, and I'm not doing anything today like i'm not promising nothing i'm gonna

sit around all day i'm gonna stretch and i'm gonna fucking eat like a pig right and tomorrow is back to work but this whole day is just me as you know whatever the fuck i want for you bro so i'll eat a ramen on that one yeah i'll get it with the extra goddamn pork slices yeah i'll get i'll get down on some ramen pork chiasu and all that yeah my late night for years was cereal i always ate cereal that night when I got home from shows. I used to love cereal. I'd sit on the couch and be quiet. She'd be asleep.

The dog would be at my feet, and I would love to sit. And it would be silent in the house. I wouldn't even have the TV on. I'd just sit and eat cereal and just think. You know one of my little cheat joints? I guess this isn't the name for it, but I like to slice a tomato and fry up some bacon. Just tomato and bacon? Tomato and bacon.

That's some southern-ass bullshit. I don't know where it was. That's some like steep south bullshit. Yeah, because my granny used to, she should just get tomatoes and just salt them and eat them like an apple. That's what my dad would do that, yeah. And I was like, I don't get it, but now I get it. Where's she from? I think her roots are are georgia yeah yeah yeah my dad's

from north carolina and that's that's that's some southern ass bullshit yeah he would eat a tomato like an apple i thought that was wild they they're they're weird people it's a weird generation i know yeah i don't understand that shit it's great just a slice of tomato and some bacon see for me it's the texture of tomato is just, I can't do it. The mush is wrong. There's something about the saltiness that brings the sweetness

out of the tomato. Yeah, I see the bacon pair is good, but bacon does that for fucking everything. Oh, well, right. Yeah, you can bake it on celery and be like,

this is fucking delicious. Bacon, bacon. But, yeah, but it's something about the right kind of tomato, too, because there's all different kind of. Right, right, because it's all different kind of. Right, right, right.

It's a little beef heart. A little beef heart. A slice of bacon. Did you ever have, like, did your grandmother ever cook traditional deep south soul meals? Did you ever have collard greens and all that shit? Oh, yeah, I love some collard greens. But see, once we start talking about the different parts of the pig, I'm like. See, I ate all that shit because my grandmother

in the South loved all that shit. They loved all that shit. Chitlins suck my dick. I don't need them. I don't understand the obsession with chitlins. Did you ever eat thistle? Uh,

no, I don't think I ever ate thistle. You know what thistle is? No. It's so funny. My grandmother used to say like, um, you know like arugula?

My dad would be like, that's like railroad track lettuce. Like that would grow wild by like the railroad tracks. Oh, wow. And thistle grows wild in the south usually by like, you know, I don't know, like heavily wooded areas. And thistle look, I mean, it looks like, it's like spiky. It looks like a spiky weed. But when you cut off all the spikes and get to the center, it's almost like a, I even know how to describe it i don't know it's like a almost like a brussels sprout

no almost like a cucumber like but uh yeah it's almost like a cucumber on the inside but but people will eat that shit off the street like just so you got southern roots yeah my dad was from well my stepdad who is who raised me yeah my step my whole family's scum from chicago but all like hog maws and fucking oh he's bro my dad eats the most foul shit on planet like you couldn't even imagine he'll eat oysters from a can canned oysters yeah dude see i just got into oysters but i love the like yeah you're never gonna eat them out of a fucking can no way they gotta be got to be fresh out to sea. This is worse than what you'd get in the fucking army.

You know what I mean? This is like canned, pushed, pressed, set on a shelf for years. My dad thinks that's like the greatest thing on earth. He loves it. Oh, God. Yeah, it makes me nauseous, dude. Yeah, old folks from the South, man. They eat the wildest shit.

But also, he grew up with all that, so it's not even a... He questions... My dad will eat... It's also very unhealthy. I mean, I love my father, but there's days he'll have pork rinds for breakfast. Just a bag of pork rinds. They're like, you ain't never had bootstring and peas? Bootstring and peas is good for you in the morning, boy.

I always hated okra. You ever had that shit? Okra's the worst, man. My dad loves okra. I fucking hate it. There's not enough shit you can put on that to make it good to me. But like grits, fine. All that's fine.

The standard shit. Country ham. That's some grits. Scrapple. Did y'all have scrapple? Scrapple, yeah. Scrapple's good, yeah. That's a real regional thing.

Some people don't even know what I'm talking about. No, scrapple. They had scrapple, yeah. I'll get down on some scrapple. Sure. But that's flavorful. Right. Right.

It's also real bad for you. All that shit is um but that's flavorful right right it's also real bad for you all that shit is bad all of it's terrible none of that shit has any health aspect whatsoever to it they did they weren't worried about that they were just trying to uh get through the day you have calories to get through the day yeah i mean i used to see my grandmother um she'd kill chickens in her own back you know in her backyard she'd wring the neck you know she would do it all herself she's de-feather it and all that shit. She'd come in, and I'll vividly remember this. I told my dad. He laughed. She was cutting a

chicken breast, and she was searing little cubes, like little tiny cubes of chicken breast. I remember being probably like 12 or something like that. She was searing these cubes of chicken breast and like ahi tuna. She would sear the outside and pop it in her mouth and eat it the inside was

completely fucking raw and she loved it she's like come over here and have one of these and i was like no i need that shit i know she but that's old school shit by the way never got her sick or nothing she you know she was fine it's just i think we're so protected and we're so um we're so scared of food because of all the bullshit we've put in our food. We know too much. We know way too much. Yeah. We know way too much.

Yeah. She never got sick. My grandfather was a beekeeper, and he'd go out there, and sometimes he'd go out there and just the face covering, but nothing else. Like nothing else on his body. You know people wear like the full suit?

No, he would just wear the one that covered up his neck so he didn't get stung in the face it's just not my eyes no he just didn't want him in the fucking face yeah fuck my hands up yeah he did but he didn't give a shit and he would rarely get stung i always noticed that about i thought that was wild because if you're gentle and slow with it and they get used to your pheromones bees can get used to the a handler so they'll know it's him when he comes out there and i guess they can taste it on his skin and they don't fucking sting him because they know that he's not going to kill the queen or hurt the queen. He's coming just to collect and then he leaves.

Okay. So they just set some honey aside for him. Yeah. They're like, give it to that motherfucker. Okay. I get it. Yeah.

And that's how I know, like I'm pretty, that generation was better than us. Like, because if, if the day came where we had to go back to being like, Like, I'm pretty, that generation was better than us. Because if the day came where we had to go back to being like. Like that? Yeah, where we had to make our own food. Like ring a chicken snack in your backyard and feather it?

Very few of us would survive. Yeah, I'll be straight up and say there's no fucking, I couldn't do it. I mean, I'd probably turn bitch and just not kill shit and just eat vegetarian or vegan. You know what I mean? I would just eat fucking, I just don't feel like killing an animal going through it i hope my bit's still working the apocalypse because that's all the skill yeah i just couldn't i mean like i couldn't i i'd be i would that's like some pussy shit but i would not be able to kill an animal and eat it i just don't i've been around it i've seen my like i've seen a deer killed and cleaned and i'm like

i don't want to fucking do that shit I mean that's the thing I could definitely kill an animal Yeah Clean it Emotionally I'm capable of killing an animal Sure But chopping it up

That's what I'm saying Dressing it No It's just too tough Some people say it's a religious experience. You get close, you feel like you get closer to it when you do do that because when you hunt for your meal and you kill it, I mean, instinctively, it's probably the best

thing for us is to probably have to kill it to eat it. It does something for you. It's like eating with your hands. You know, the parts of the world that still continue to eat with their hands, you know, we think that's crazy because you're like, oh, that's bacteria, but your hands have natural enzymes that will kill bacteria on them but we wash our hands so many fucking times we've

stripped stripped it all away we've lost we've literally lost some of the enzymes that our hands possess to like kill bad bacteria that's why we fuck because we eat with not our hands anymore and when you do with your hands it's like a piece of pizza and you hold it by the most burnt piece. Well, I blame the fucking Royal family. Yeah, it is their fault, isn't it? Those cocksuckers. Yeah, they're the ones that made it like you're better if you have utensils.

Right, right, right. You with your hands like a pig. But that's like sandwich was such a great idea that he was like, it's so funny that a sandwich is also such a beautiful piece of food, but it's just caused from gluttony because he wanted more beef, but the beef would slide out. So he's like, give me the loaves of bread and I'll hold the, the beef will be able to be held inside the bread.

That was the theory of the sandwich. It wasn't. It was the Earl sandwich. Yeah, but it wasn't for symmetry or anything like that. It was because he wanted the beef to stay together. It was, it kept falling out of his fucking hands. And they named it after they well they named it after his kingdom his kingdom yeah yeah yeah the earl of the earl of sandwich yeah which is kind of brilliant though that he was like but it was it's all it was born from gluttony yeah i stand by it yeah one of the best

inventions came out of laziness 100 so many of them yeah because it was a sandwich is i'm sorry it's better than just those. Actually, there's a new trend now. You've seen this where they'll make, they like make a sandwich and then they put it in a food processor and chop it up into like, so people are eating it by the spoonfuls. I don't like this at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This makes me really upset.

We're going down the wrong path. It's not what it's meant to be, man. No, bro. No, that's upsetting as shit. upset we're we're going down a wrong path it's not it was why what it's meant to be man no bro no that's upsetting as shit do you are you one of these guys that got an air fryer at the house i got an air fryer everybody air fries everything all the time we don't have one we're behind the times yeah man you gotta get one man it's it's that's what everyone fucking says no it's awesome they some of them gonna be a little pain in the ass to keep to keep clean but it's just a way of frying without having to deal with all the grease and shit.

Yeah, because deep frying is a fucking absolute nightmare. When you fry something in your fucking kitchen, it looks like so much spilled. Yeah, and it's gross. It's disgusting, and it smells. Yeah, I can't do it. And you're literally just really soaking up all the grease and putting it in your fucking blood vessels. I know.

You might as well drink the grease. Well, that reminds me of when I had my one bedroom. It was like a glorified one bedroom, but it was more like a studio. But whenever I would fry something or cook it, you know, cook it like that, my whole house would smell and my clothes would smell in my room. And I remember saying, I can't wait to get an apartment big enough where my clothes don't smell like what I ate that morning for breakfast or lunch. What's your top sandwich?

My top sandwich? Yeah. What's your go-to sandwich? Today I had mortadella with salami, mozzarella, balsamic drizzle, and Calabrian chili paste on a french roll and that shit's like my fucking bougie that's my shit dude salami capicola or mortadella um any that that combination ham yeah yeah i like i like ham. But salami, mortadella. Oh, God, so good. That shit is fucking so good.

I go for a nice BLT. Oh, you see? Yeah, because I don't eat tomato. That's why. Or I like, you know, shout out to the Jews. I like a good bagel with lox and capers. I fuck with that. I'll have that.

But if I'm going like deli sandwich, Jewish deli sandwich, I'm going to have like a pastrami or a corned beef sandwich. I used to get those corned beef sandwiches from what's it called next to the Laugh Factory and eat it on my walk home. I'm going to suck it with some pastrami.

If a woman ever homemade me some good pastrami, Now you'll get married. I'll consider that an engagement. You know? Just some some good pastrami, I would- Now you'll get married. I would consider that an engagement. You know? Just some good-ass pastrami. Yeah. But you can't eat that shit every day. I can eat a BLT every day.

Yeah, you shouldn't, but you could. Yeah, pastrami just feels- I don't know what's bad about it, but I know it's not good. That's like anything where you're like, by the way this makes me feel, I can tell it's probably not good. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where are you at tonight? Are you going up tonight?

Yeah. What do you got left? Tonight I got a spot over at, I think it's the Hotel Cafe and then at the store. Oh, I love Hotel Cafe. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's one of my favorite places to go see bands. I used to go see bands there. Tiny bands would go play.

If you wanted to go see a low-key great band, that's like their workout. Bands will go there like we go to the club. Oh band yeah that's war that's like their workout bands will go there like we go to the club is it that mike a lot of them do yeah and they do like secret kind of pop-up shows or one-offs and shit and over the years i used to go see bands there um do like a you know a special set and i always thought that was so fucking cool it's like it's a dope it's a sexy little room it's double spot and then i to end up at the store, obviously. And then tomorrow, the Palladium, I think. And then Sunday. What's at the Palladium? I think there's like a running Netflix show.

Okay, word. That they just, like, anyone can, anybody that's here at the festival can just go and pop up. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and then Sunday, I'm doing a Taylor Thomas show. I think that's at the Palladiums. The Midnight? Oh, have you done her Midnight show? No. Yeah, you know the after Midnight? Oh, no, no, no.

Not that show. I'm coming back next month to do that. I'm talking about she has a... Her live show. A stand-up show. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I can't wait to see this continuous rise out of you. You've been a friend for a while. I'm happy for you. I'm stoked to see what's next.

I knew you knew it. You talked about it. We talked about it. We knew that you were kind of having your thing. It was coming down the pipeline. And when you get back out in the fall and do theater since the fall, right? Yeah. Alright, kids gotta go there. BrianSimpson.com, probably?

Yeah. My next stop is Phoenix, Arizona at the Desert Ridge Improv after this next weekend. Desert Ridge. Desert Ridge. Up north. You're up north. Yeah. It's a new...

No, it's in Phoenix. It's a new improv. Oh, it's brand new. Yeah, it's brand new. But Desert Ridge is... Well, I know Phoenix because I live there. I'm saying in my mind that's up north. It's North Phoenix.

Okay. Yeah. Desert Ridge. I don't know anything about it. Yeah, that's up there. Okay. That's like... Yeah.

There's a few clubs up there. But Yeah, that's up there. Okay. That's like, yeah, there's a few clubs up there. But yeah, when I was in school, the Tempe Improv was the only club. Now there's like seven fucking clubs in Phoenix, which is wild as shit to me. They keep convincing people to live in that hellhole. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know why? It's just cheap. Arizona's cheap, dude.

If they can get you out there, they'll keep you. They're like, good, man. Yeah, because you can miss a bus and die of dehydration. Uh-huh, yeah. Go to bryansimpson.com. Go see my man. I love you, bro. You're the best.

Look at that camera. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode to take us home, my friend. Get revenge. Don't forgive. In here, we pour whisk, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.