Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Chris D'Elia

Episode Date: November 30, 2018

Santino talks with his old friend Chris D’Elia about condom breakage, being cool vs thinking your cool and Chris's destiny for action movie stardom. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

You have probably the best voice. You think? Talking wise? Number one talking guy? It's funny to think that you have the best voice talking wise and not singing wise. But yeah. Yeah. You have a nice deep voice and then you go to sing and that's it.

And I will. I'm not a good singer. You're not? No, I can carry a tune, but I'm not really a good singer. But my mom thinks I'm like, she always says like, you know, you could have been a singer. And I think it's so funny always. Can you hit me with something? Rowan didn't even miss a beat.

Really quick. In here we pour whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. You're that creature

in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, my guest today is Chris D'Elia. Yay! Yay! One of my favorite people on earth. You know, I say that for all my guests, and I say to some of the guests,

yeah, but I don't really mean it. But for you, I do. Because we're old friends. We are. You're one of my favorite people, too. You really are, though. When did I meet you? We talked about this like a year.

We talked about it. Maybe we talked. I talked to Rogan about it one time on his podcast. About how we met? How we met. Because he's like, he was asking me about who came up in my class of comedy. And I was like, I don't know. I'm kind of a vague.

Yeah. Because we didn't really come up together, but we met at a similar time at the store when I returned and then you were kind of going back to the store. Because you had done, we had met maybe at the Laugh Factory. Maybe. I think that's what you said. I think it was the factory. Yeah. But you were like uh

you were not like a i mean you're a comedy store guy for sure but like you were not there when i was first there no well i showed up when i first came to la and the comedy store guys were like dov yeah david off and those guys and they were the biggest fucking assholes to me really not dov particular but like that class of guy i don't even know i can't name half the people that were there because they're all fucking gone yeah see yeah yeah a lot of yeah they all disappeared i don't even remember but i mean dob's class of guy when dob was kind of on and he was killing it at the store there were guys that were there that just were so fucking mean to the young micers and i was like i'm never coming by here again i did a couple of mics there and

then i got over it and then i went and did like East Side Rooms and all that shit. And then slowly made my way. But what we met, I think we started to like see each other more and more when I came back to the store. When Tommy passed me. Yeah. Oh, okay. Did you get passed by Tommy or did you get passed by Mitzi? No, Mitzi.

Mitzi passed you? Yeah. Wow. It was me and then Justin Martindale. And then I think, I don't know if she, maybe she did people on tape after that. Well, he says Martindale and you know that guy fucking, you know. No, but he says she was the last one he passed live. Yeah, I think he was.

Yeah, that's what I think he was. Because I thought it was going to be me because i was the last time she was going to like come in um and do and do what do they call it a showcase oh yeah and i was like she doesn't know they're like they might be her last showcase and and then one day she was popping by the club and walking by and she saw justin martindale and she was like who's that guy i want him to do all my all the shows wow so i was like oh i guess i won't be the last one damn yeah i never got that well i met mitzi for like five seconds and then tommy passed me for people that don't know tommy used to be the manager of the comedy store oh yeah tommy passed me and was like you're funny you're you're getting funnier someday you're gonna pass some people around here

and uh tomm Tommy got fired. It also doesn't matter how funny you were. You could be the funniest person in the world. If you came to the comedy store and started doing shows, Tommy would be like, you're getting funnier. It could be Richard Pryor and he would be like, you're getting funnier. Yeah. Because he was like the gatekeeper. He was really the gatekeeper for a while there. I mean, he had so much control and so much power. Was he passing people? Oh, yeah. people oh yeah oh okay oh he passed me oh i wonder how he would have fared like during today's climate yeah it'd be so different he would have been gone but i think the reason that the

store is doing so well now is because there's been a shift in all that stuff because he kind of left oh yeah his era i think all these guys that came back yeah it was because he left and then rogan came back and joey diaz came back and then other guys came back to like jessel nick uh even um hannibal was doing started doing shows and adam divine coming like guys that like what people wanted to see and then louis taped a special i think all that stuff kind of started to collide i also i also think the podcast, just every podcast mentions the Comedy Store, like Marin and Rogan and now ours, you know what I mean?

We talk about the Comedy Store. So I think people have this thing where they're like, I want to go to that spot. It's more of a, it's a brand kind of. No, yeah. Well, now it's synonymous with standup. People that come to LA, they're like, a Comedy Store? That's the only thing.

They don't even know anything else about it, but they heard it, so they want to be there. And the social media, they do a good job. I don't know if it's Brenton. Yeah, Brenton. Well, Brenton, he runs most of it. Yeah, he kind of kills it because there's like some of the social media shit that the other clubs do can be very corny. Yeah. But the comedy store, it's not corny.

It's just like, here's who we got. This guy brought this guy on stage this is the hottest fucking comedy this is this guy's hilarious this girl's hilarious this guy's hilarious it just says here's how funny all these people are you'll you'll come and you'll figure it out i mean the the look at the lineup last night you it was were you there no i was you know i was gone man you would have been awesome there i know know I mean just this is just some of them Bobby Lee Sebastian Whitney Cummings

me Ron White Joe Rogan Joey Diaz Theo Vaughn Eric Griffin and it goes you know I mean all of them

that's crazy Sarah Tiana it's just like oh and Bill Burr popped in and so did David Tell and somebody's like oh I paid I know

$20 to see my favorite comics on earth what I want to get into is some real personal stuff with you. Real personal. Okay. You know I always get real personal. You always get real personal.

I always get personal. Yeah. You're like the most personal talker that I've ever met. It's cool you got such squeaky chairs for the podcast, by the way. These were called squeaky leather. They were like, what color do you want? I was squeaky leather. I've never talked to you about, as close as we are, I've never talked to you about your tattoo.

Oh, really? Ever. I've never talked to you about, as close as we are, I've never talked to you about your tattoo. Oh, really? Ever. I've never talked to you about it. Really? As long as I've known you. Because this is your only tattoo. Yeah. But do you know when I got it?

After the special. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you don't really talk about it at all. No, I guess I forgot about it. That's because I want to talk about it. Because I was like, nobody ever talked to me. So it's the only tattoo you have. Are you going to get another one or no?

I want to, yeah. Because you know my friends that have one, they got 90 of them. I know, I know the only tattoo you have you are you going to get another one or no i want to yeah because you know my friends that have one they got 90 i know i know but don't you're never gonna you're never gonna crest then no i don't think so although i do like that look yeah it's kind of cool but like i don't know i i uh yeah well i always wanted to get them yeah but i thought you know i don't want to like in the beginning like making a name for myself i didn't want people to think I was the tattooed guy. Yeah, but you're not but you would never be mistaken

as the tattooed guy. Well, because I don't have tattoos. Yeah, but even if you had a few you still wouldn't be You don't think so? Like Dean Del Rey has sleeves of tattoos. He's the tattoo guy.

But look at Dove. Dove got tatted up. He's kind of like a tattooed guy now. Kind of. No? Yeah, but that's really funny. I can't name a tattooed guy comic. I don know who the tattoo well rogan is yeah but he wears long sleeves yeah yeah you know what i mean like i think a lot of those guys that got a lot of tats

they're always like no i'll just cover it up but i'll have it open when i feel like having it yeah yeah rogan has a fuckload of tattoos he's covered right he yeah complete completely completely he said to me um he's he his inner thigh ones are the cutest. They're cutest. Does he actually? No. There's pictures of his family on his inner thigh. No, but, okay,

so the reason it's funny to me is because I don't have any fucking tattoos. Yeah. I never saw you as a guy who would get tattoos because we have a similar, and I was like, I'm not going to get a tattoo, but then after I saw you do it,

I thought, maybe I will get a tattoo. Yeah, it's... maybe I will get a tattoo. Yeah. What I find fucked up is people get tattoos of you a lot. Yeah, it's happened before. Yeah. Oh, a lot. I open up the internet sometimes.

A bunch of times. And I'll just see a guy go. It's weird. Got my Delia tat. I don't. Do you champion those people? Are you like, good for you? I always am like, oh, wow.

No, I'm never like, no. Because I don't want to be like, get tat. Because then it's like my fault if they don't like it no way so but like but like if they do it and they post it i might repost it because it's fucking like jesus christ it's insane to do yeah i'm gonna say this now for any fans that i have don't ever ever get a fucking tattoo of me because you'll be so bummed out in 50 years when you have this red melty tattoo like yeah as orange as i am yeah also orange is not a good tattoo color unless you're doing flames ugly color in general orange is such a bad color that you didn't even get orange on the flames on your fucking hand i uh yeah i got it like seven months ago because

of the special man on fire And then I was like But I didn't want it People were like Don't I told one guy I was like Don't get your first one On your hand

What if you hate it And I was like Alright I'm not telling anybody I'm gonna do it Because I don't wanna be influenced But then I like I don't want people To not see it

Like if I have long sleeves I want people to be like Oh yeah okay He has a tattoo But you can easily Cover that up with a watch Or long sleeves It kinda goes away

You don't really get to Like it's okay If People might not notice it How about that Yeah yeah yeah I've had people come up to me Much later and go watch or long sleeves it kind of goes away you don't really get to like it's okay if people might not notice it how about that yeah yeah yeah i've had people come up to me much later and go you just chris have a tattoo yeah yeah yeah he's got a fucking tattoo you didn't see it yeah i don't know i like tattoos and i'll probably i'll probably get a maybe i'll get a few you want to shout out the guy that did that dr woo oh woo did that yeah he's done my buddy he's

he's like the one in LA. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, that was the other reason why I got it because I like his stuff. And I was like, oh, he does good shit. He does do good shit. I would get a tattoo from him. Yeah, it's very... Because I also didn't want to have to go early

if I'm going to shoot something and cover it up. But it's like real thin lines and shit. So it'll be way easier. That's easy to cover up. Yeah, yeah. When you did... Also, I could just wear like a fucking glove on stage

would be very cool. Just one glove. You're going to start wearing gloves? I don't know. I mean, I just was kind of... I'm upset Michael Jackson did it because I feel like I would have had that idea

if he didn't do it anyway and I would have been the one glove guy. Do you think gloves would be still as popular now if he hadn't fucked kids? I mean... I feel like him being a kid fucker

took away gloves for anybody. And fucking kids too. That's not really... You can't do that anymore either. Yeah, that's so weird. I don't know why you're not allowed to. So, Chris, you know this podcast is called Whiskey Ginger. I'm supposed to be having a drink while we do this, but it's 11 a.m.

Right. And I don't want to do that, but I do. Most of the guests I've been talking to about their first experience is drinking. As long as I've known you, we've talked about you. You don't drink. You've never drank. You're not into that bullshit. I've never drank. Yeah. It's because you've seen so many of your piece of shit friends drink too much uh the big the reason why i started not drinking is

because well actually this is why because i like i lost my virginity at 19 which is old that's tight dude when you're losing yours i lost mine at 15 so everyone everyone know that andrew santino lost his virginity before chris d'alene yeah four years before four years it doesn't matter who it was also what are you you're you're three years younger than me i'm 35 okay i'm 38 so you you're three years younger than me still lost it before i did on in the world so i fucked before you fuck in the universe, even though we were together. And I was 19. Wow.

Why did you wait? Okay, so this goes to drinking. Okay. I have this thing that I realize that I do, and it's for sure, I actually can't believe I realized that I do it. It is very self-reflective, and I'm proud of myself for learning this about myself.

I never do something big like that, like lose my virginity or get drunk for the first time or whatever it is, until I regret that I haven't done it. You understand what I'm saying? I know exactly what you're saying. So I lost my virginity because I had a girlfriend and we didn't have sex.

She went away to college and she was always like, let's have sex. And I was like, I can't yet. Were you saving it for some reason? I don't know. No. sex. And I was like, I can't yet, you know. Were you saving it for some reason? I don't know. No. Mentally, you were like,

I'm not going to do it. Yeah, I was just like, I could always do it. Yeah, I'm going to be able to do it. I can't always undo it. But now you don't do it. You don't even have sex anymore. I haven't had sex for six years. I haven't had sex for six years.

You don't have sex for six years? No. So I remember when she went away to college I was like That sucks I should have She went away to college I should have done it

Yeah I should have done The horizontal mambo You know That's what everyone Was calling it Back then The horizontal mambo

And then I And then I When I visited her in college I did it Because I knew I I was ready Because I felt bad I didn't do it

You showed up To her college campus Yeah like with the boom box And a condom on. Already? Your butt ass naked with your dick out? It's limp and falling off. You're doing the John Cusack out the window.

Say anything? It is fucking, no, it's nine inch nails. I want a fucking leg. And she's like, why are you doing that? Just come up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you fumble with the condom the first time you put it on? No, you know what happened?

First time I ever had sex, condom broke. So me too. Oh, really? Wait, this is even funnier. No, I have a... Okay, mine is funnier. Go ahead. No, no, no, not funnier, but even weirder.

Not only did the condom break, the first one I tried to put on broke as well while I was putting it on. Oh, wow. Oh, so you have a box. Because I have a pointy penis. Yeah, you have a pointy penis. Because they're always like, one of these guys in the comedy store is a pointy dick we're not allowed to say who so that's you i just right through comments i rip right through so i ripped

it and then when i put it on we should just use a candle put her out around for a comment what do they call those those old those old metal uh so go go go so okay well no that's good but that's kind of like my story so first time i had sex sex, condom broke. Second time I had sex, next day, condom broke. Get. Both times. And I was like, dude, I called my dad right afterwards. I'm going to be a dad. That's what you said.

Hey, dad, I'm going to be a dad. Yeah. But my condom broke. Did you notice it? Yeah, I did notice it. Well, yeah. I mean, any logical guy would go, yeah, you could feel the fucking. Yeah, yeah.

But also when you feel the difference and it breaks and you go, oh. Yeah, yeah. That's what makes me. I don't want to tell anybody want to tell anybody you know so you didn't know until afterwards oh no i knew yeah i knew and i had a full-on almost cry panic attack yeah that's it we had a fucking kid you're 15 yeah we had a kid i was 19 she was nine no no we're oh actually yeah 15 16 we were right there but anyway yeah it broke the first time and and that that almost i mean it yeah that ruined everything for me i thought well i should never have sex ever again yeah it's it was the next time you had sex we were 27 uh 32 wow it was 32 with a with a nice fella that i met on the internet. Nice. And he fucked me, so it was all good. He's made his rounds in the comedy world.

No, yeah. So back to the drinking thing, I never felt like I should. I never was like, oh, I missed a time where it would have been fun to have a drink. And I'm not saying I'll never drink, you know? No, you probably will. At this point, why? I mean, yeah, I'm 38. Like Eric Griffin had his first drink, well, his second drink with me. His first drink was on vacation. Oh, really? I don't know. I'm 38. Eric Griffin had his second drink with me.

His first drink was on vacation. Oh, really? With his family. Ever? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. No, yeah. He doesn't drink. How do I not know that?

He had a half a pina colada or some bullshit he said. He wasn't into it. And then when we took him out for his 40th birthday 60 years ago, we took him out and he had a little bit of a drink then. But he hates it. He hates the taste. Oh, taste of oh he just doesn't like the taste at all he's like i've tried a i've tried like a sip of a thing and he fucking hates it yeah but but you you managed to get out of the hardest time of of the peer pressure of that age group of like at some point people that i know that didn't do it until like college were like i just don't i don't want to be pressured to do it and then they did it because they were like

fuck it i might as well you're past it yeah you've never you never smoked a cigarette no never smoked weed no nothing yeah see i mean you're past the gap like for me yeah i got so fucked up in high school that when people got to college and they party too hard i was like i already did that oh huh i mean I still love yeah yeah yeah I still love drugs and alcohol but not really though

I never see you fucked up no yeah I don't get I don't get fucked up when I'm out especially if I'm at the club yeah yeah yeah we have a few friends

that get too fucked up we do yeah we have a few friends that get fucked up and they get so fucked up yeah I don't

that's also like now it's like a bump a blessing for me I'm like oh wow i see these guys some of these guys are just so like buddies of ours that are just drunk on stage oh that's bad now that's when it looks the worst that's when i feel and then they come off stage bombing and you're just like oh no and we're on the patio and chris and i'll be on the patio sometimes and someone will come up to us and go hey what are you guys fucking doing and you're

like oh buddy you gotta get the fuck out of here. There's some guys that get so fucked up and they drive home every time from there, which blows my fucking mind. Some guys get so fucked up and then they get in their car and they're an Uber driver and they drive people around. And that's really bad. That's so bad. And they crash people on the way there. But they don't give a fuck. They're Uber pool and they don't give a fuck.

I have a set at the Amity store. You ride in a cab? When you get in an Uber when you get in an Uber, do you take an Uber to the club sometimes? By the way, no. I'm not like, I got a car. I'm fine. I'll drive.

You never Uber. No. Well, also because you don't have a drink. So you would never need to. No, I don't. But people Uber even when they're not drinking. It's like, yeah, I'd rather not drive. It's like, what?

Well, see, I only Uber if I'm going to have a drink. Okay. Well, that makes, that's good then. Because I'm like, I'm not going to fucking, what a waste of my time. But you like, what? Well, see, I only Uber if I'm going to have a drink. Okay, well, that's good then. Because I'm like, I'm not going to fucking, waste of my time. But you know, this is fucked up. I said this on stage one time

and I, this is fucked up and I know what's fucked up to say, but I have enough money in my life right now where I was leaving a party and I had had two drinks, two fucking drinks. So if I got pulled over,

I wouldn't be like, do you, I'd be like, but I might blow just over the thing. And a cop pulled behind me when I was on Santa Monica monica oh this happened east yeah yeah this happened jesus and i looked at my rear view and i saw the cop he didn't put his lights on he just he had pulled behind yeah and i thought he's running my plates i'm sure right because it's late at night yeah and then i thought fuck i could if he pulled me over he could he could get me yeah and then i thought i could afford it yeah i, I got tired of it.

It's so bad. It's so bad to go, I could afford it. That's really funny. That's where you are in your life, but that's a funny joke. But I also looked in the mirror at myself and saw how white I was.

And I was like, then I'm fine. What's going to fucking, is he going to smack me on the wrist? Like, it's so fucked up to have that much privilege to be a white dude

that's like, I got enough money, I'll get out of this. If you're a black guy, it doesn't even matter about the money money doesn't even matter like i can pay for it he's like well you're going to prison it's horrible i thought i thought about that about like uh whenever somebody says to me i can't believe that athlete was going uh 90 on on mal in malibu in his ferrari trunk you're like i can because he's never been able to do that and he's like i've

got all the money what are they going to do? Right. Find me. And that's people that say like, I would never buy a Ferrari because you don't have Ferrari money. Yeah. That's a dumb thing. That's a dumb thing to say. When someone goes, I would never buy a Lamborghini.

It's like, well, because you have a Civic. You don't know what it's like to be able to get a Lamborghini. There's that. And then also, like, if you like like if you have four cars why the fuck wouldn't you get a lamborghini then as your fifth car yeah what's the other you can't get two pre yeah exactly like what are you gonna go okay so you got the nice mercedes you got the suv for the family got it then we're getting limited here okay so you got a tesla to save it you got the fucking convert okay and then oh you get get the Lamborghini for the fifth one.

You got the Lamborghini. You don't have a choice. Yeah. How many cars do you have? Two. Do you want more? Yeah. I love cars.

So you love cars. I love cars. I do, yeah. Like Rogan. I see Rogan has, I don't know, 8,000 fucking cars. I see cars that he has that he doesn't even drive. Yeah. And I'm so, like I'm jealous of that ability.

But do you like old cars no no no i hate classic fuck old cars i want the newest shit always i want bluetooth in my shit and i know they can go back and put the bluetooth in i want it the way you make it for the the way you make it is the way i'm getting it so have bluetooth in it does a car in 1960 have a bluetooth in it no see you, those seats are fucking terrible. They're so uncomfortable. You might as well be sitting in a fucking sand pail. Like what do we call it on the beach? A sand pail.

A sand pail. A sand bucket. A sand bucket. You're in a sand bucket. You're in a little sand bucket, a 1974 sand bucket cruising around town. Dude, I want the new cars. I don't give a shit about old. Do you?

No, dude. You don't care about old cars? I think classic cars are cool. They're cool but i'm also not the guy that can get out of one i gotta look this is a weird look when i get out of a classic car if i'm like yeah she's a beaut i look like such like a weird that's funny to dork i look like a fucking dork in a cool class i'm not that guy that's interesting i think that guy is a certain kind of cool guy because you know what someone will walk up to me and go what kind of

fucking uh what do you got under the hood and i'll start to kind of give the details of what i know and then i'll go that's a four-stroke block with a carpet and i won't know shit and then i'll feel like a dickhead you have to be super that guy to drive old cars i i would go the other way though i'd be like they'd be like what's under the hood and i'd be like you fucking dork i don't know look at it look at how look at the color engine what's in there engine look how cool it is. Look at how badass it is. It's my seventh car. I paid cash for it. Get the fuck out of my face. That being said, Rogan's got cool old cars and people have cool old cars and I can appreciate

them driving by, but I don't want to drive one. What's the one car that you want that you might not get because you're like, I don't know, but I do love it. Yeah. I really like the Ferrari hatchback ones. Oh, you do? I really like those. You like the hatchback? Yes.

That's so random. I love the way. Well, they kind of remind me of the RS7. Yeah. Because that's a half butt back. Yeah. A little bit more of a hatchback. But I really like those.

Would you? Do you think you will? I would. Yeah. You will? Yeah. That Would you? Do you think you will? I would, yeah. You will? Yeah. That's the first Ferrari you think you'd buy? Yeah, if I was going to get one,

I would get that one. I just think it, they're so, I think hatchbacks are so bad, but if you do it right, they're so cool. Ferrari RS7, they're kind of like that,

the, you know, the A7? No. RS7? RS7. No, the one I have, yeah. Yeah. But the other ones are like that too.

The A7. A7 has that butt back. Yeah. BMW makes something kind of similar to that called the Grand Coupe. That's what theirs is. But like my car that, like will you ever ascend into the fucking, the rapper shit where it's like Bugatti? Do you think you'd ever do that?

If I had room in the garage. It's a million dollar car. No, I would never. I don't want a Bugatti. I think they look, I don't like the way they look at all. It looks ridiculous. Yeah, it looks ridiculous. It looks ridiculous. And it. No, I would never. I don't want a Bugatti. I think they look, I don't like the way they look at all. It looks ridiculous. Yeah, it looks ridiculous. And it's so ostentatious.

Like, you're so. Yeah, it's too much. Like, every time I see, like, certain people I see getting out of a Ferrari and I think that they're douchebags. Certain people I see getting out of a Ferrari and I'm like, oh, that guy just has a lot of money. He seems like a nice guy. Yeah, what's the trick?

If you get out of a fucking Bugatti, I'm just like, what the fuck is that guy doing? The trick is. What's the trick to drive? This out of a fucking Bugatti, I'm just like, what the fuck is that guy doing? The trick is... What's the trick to drive... This is funny because this is something that we don't talk about. I think it's this. I think I learned this at a pep rally in high school. I was watching the... You know how you have the couples that you vote on, prom king and queen, whatever it was?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a buddy who is, he was on the basketball team, not a popular guy, but kind of dorky, but also the basketball team made him like kind of a little bit popular. Because he was good. Yeah, he was good. That's funny about sports. Yeah, I know. But he was like, he was dorky.

He was truly a dorky guy, but a nice guy. Like a white nerd that can shoot. So people are like, yeah, Danny's okay. And he was tall and like, you know. And he had somehow got into voting to be the prom king. Oh, people put him in. Yeah, it wasn't the prom thing, but it was like one of the dances. Homecoming king.

Yeah, exactly. Homecoming, in. Yeah, it wasn't the prom thing, but it was like one of the dances. Homecoming King. Yeah, exactly. Homecoming, whatever. Court, yeah. So they were announcing at the pep rally, and everyone had on, whatever the dance was, was like a themed dance. And he had on like an outfit for the theme of the dance, but it was also, he also, you could tell he picked the outfit that he thought looked the best even though it was with the theme so they were like here here's the guy vote for him and he came out and i could tell

he was showing he in his head he was like look how cool this outfit is right yeah you gotta you can't that's what makes him a dork yeah you. You gotta be like, look how cool I am in this outfit. Right. You know what I mean? So. He was, look how cool I look. No, he was, look how cool this outfit is. Right, right, right.

You gotta be, look how cool I am in this outfit. Look how cool I am. Yes. He is, look how cool this is. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. So that's the difference between a guy getting out of the ferrari i think it's like oh look how cool this car is you're a fucking dork yeah yeah if you

get out of the car you're like look how cool this whole deal is yeah look at i'm cool in this i'm cool i'm a cool guy and i got this car then you know what my trick is because we don't talk about this like comics like you have really nice cars segura has nice cars yeah i quietly have a nice car that most people don't know because i don't take it you don't take it no i don't take it i love that car but it's funny because he's got a delorean i go back in time to i wish i could go back in time and untell some of my shitty jokes i feel the same way about me too like can i flash back tonight i didn't do that. But my thing is, five, six years ago,

nobody was driving nice cars in the club. Isn't that funny? And now that people are there that have more success, people are not afraid to take... Okay, listen.

Amazingly successful black comics will always come in nice cars because black guys can always come in a fucking nice car and nobody says shit. But when a white guy does it sometimes at the club,

you're like, look at this cocky piece of shit. But but now a lot of people have nice cars so no one says anything yeah but it's funny because i have yet to see someone show up with a car that i don't think they maybe belong in but i'm waiting like i'm ready for someone that i know can't afford a car that pulls up in a car and i go, dude, you can't afford that. Yeah. That's your, but I haven't seen it yet. But,

but, but in the comedy world, it's weird. We have a little bit of shame. All comics have a little bit of weird, like no one gets out of their fucking car at the comedy store and talks about it. No one's like, yeah, it's fucking dope.

Right. Like Joe shows up in a GT, a GT three Porsche and doesn't say a word and then takes off in it. Yeah. It's not like he's like hanging out by you. Yeah. Making a scene. Right.

But for years, people were embarrassed at the club to like show up in a nice car. It's like showing off. Yeah. But now it's fine. Well,

yeah, because of the level of success of the comedians. Bobby Lee shows up and he has a bicycle, but he has the nicest bicycle they've ever made. Yeah.

It's also dinged. He always has dings in his car. His life is a ding. His whole life is a fucking ding. Dude, his manager, yeah, his manager made him get a new car. They were like... Because his old one was such a piece of shit? Remember his old one?

Oh, my God, dude. Oh, my fucking God. I used to drive a rickshaw for people that are wondering. It was an old... It was a forklift. He would come to this and it would beep loud on your set. In the middle of your joke. You're like, so I'm in Omaha.

Yeah. Bobby. He'd so I'm in Omaha. Yeah. Bobby. He'd be moving the other cars. The car lot, he would drop his forklift off and then the guy would use that to move the cars around in the lot. No, but he was, it was so dented.

He had duct tape on it and shit. And his manager was like, dude, this is awful for you. And he was rich at the time still. Yeah, he was rich as fuck. It's not like he was struggling to make ends meet and he had all of it and the manager was like you have to get a new car and bobby's like what should i get and i was like i don't know get a prius he was like will you just pick out the car and then i'll just pay for it and to you or his manager

no no to the manager and bobby had no idea what car he was getting and just was like yeah just pay for sure that's fine and then the next week sure enough the prius was dented i'm not even joking and i was like you dented your new car he's like i don't give a fuck that guy is a cartoon he is dented yeah who is the funniest guy off stage that you think that exists in our world who's the funniest offstage guy doesn't mean he's the funniest on stage yeah do you mean do you mean either you laugh with him or at him or both uh because that's different yeah no it is let's go with who do you laugh at the most at the most yeah you laugh okay okay okay um oh wow uh well there's guys like brody stevens i don't even know if i'm laughing at him or with him it's very fake you know what i mean i'm like is does he he know? We had like a really good sit down moment

at the comedy store and it was all real and it was all very like honest but then there was a part of it that I was like, he is still putting it on for me. Yeah, I think he knows. But who do you laugh at the hardest?

That's a really... Callan, you think you laugh at Brian? Oh, you mean, well, that's with though. Kind of. Yeah, okay. Yeah, no, it's... With Brian, it's kind of. It's with though. Kind of. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, no,

it's with Brian. It's kind of, it's kind of, I guess I didn't realize that it is kind of see because it's dances on this line. You and I both do this thing and you do it differently because your relationship is so close to them, but you make fun of him in this fun way. Yeah. Um,

I do it in this way where I mean it. No, I love Callan. I fucking adore Brian. I mean, how do you not like him? But my favorite thing that we do, we both do it. And you and I do it in different ways, but it's the same kind of thing. Like when we were at Montreal together, we all took a photo. And I posted it on Instagram and I said, with some of my best friends in comedy.

You know, with Chris D'Elia and I don't know who else was in it with us. But then Brian and I said, and I also want to you know say shout out to Brian for finally retiring like all these years we told him to quit and he finally fucking quit and he kept commenting he's like I didn't quit I'm like I'm stoked it was like a cool thing that he quit comedy thank god by the way um I saw him I haven't seen him in a long time he went back up at the store man he's still as funny as ever that I know he's so fucking funny he makes me laugh every time i see him dude do you know what he is he's he's like legitimately like an alt comic and you don't even realize it because he just does the club but he's doing what he does yeah nobody he's but he's but it's so it's so not what he's like the only comedian that

i can think of sometimes um i mean i i i sometimes i do it but like he's the only comedian that I can think of sometimes I mean I sometimes I do it but like he's the only comedian that like talks about positive things and makes them funny like everyone's always like negative shit this sucks that sucks Steve Simone might be the only guy that makes it he's the most positive funny

Steve and Callan Steve Simone is fucking hysterical but both of those guys do the same thing where they take something fun and make it funnier. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a fucking hard thing to do. That's really hard. Versus guys like Burr who take social ineptitudes and shit on him, which is even, I mean,

just as hilarious. It's just, you're right. No one does goofy like Callan does goofy. And do you think it's because he's, you think it's because Brian is, you know. He's a little stupid. I don't know what the word would be slow stupid slows me idiot yeah um dummy he he uh is just i don't know he's also always it you can have a serious conversation with him, but always in the middle of it, he's like, because that's why I'm better than you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he's wrong. No, yeah, and that's what makes it funny. That's what makes it really funny. Because you know you're better than him. So who is it that's funny to you offstage that you're like, God, he's funny? That you're laughing with, maybe. Okay.

Because I know who mine is. Who? On and offstage is one of the funnest. I think Ian Edwards is one of the funnest. Yeah, he's for sure up there. His mannerisms are so so fucking funny off stage the way he's so honest about shit he's a bit like yeah he's very honest he's a bit like I want to say well he's a he's a little bit like like burr in that way like where he's just like right you're not you're like okay like he's so funny but also you can't really argue with it

because none of it's put on that's i think what that's right none of it's fake right like some guys walk around the store and they're trying to make you laugh and that's annoying but like when someone's just kind of more honest and it just comes out so clean it's way more relieving yeah it's really a talent and really hard. And he definitely has that. Yeah, Ian is... He's also... Also, how old is he? I have no idea. He's 117.

Makes it funnier. Yeah. He moved here from Jamaica. 1966. Yeah, and he was 25. He was 38. And he had six jobs and four kids. Remember that old In Living Color sketch?

Where they had 40 jobs. four kids. Remember that old In Living Color sketch where they had 40 jobs? Hey, by the way, how many people do we know that have lived a life before comedy? It's weird when you find that out. Well, yeah. Eric Griffin. Lived a whole life. Who else?

Eric was like a teacher. Yeah, I think he was a teacher. That's a funny thing to learn. You started comedy. You always did comedy. You started always, you always did comedy. You started comedy when you were... No, no, dude, I started legit when I was 25. Okay, okay, okay.

But before that, I was always like writing comedy. But did you do it when you were 19 or 20? I did it. You did, right? Yeah, I did it when I was younger, but not really. 25. I was 22 or three. But I was so fucking garbage that it didn't really matter.

No, you know what, dude? Honestly, I always thought you know what dude honestly i i always thought you were funny honestly i always thought you were a funny guy and i was like that guy's like just some people like fahim was like i was like they're gonna make it yeah i knew they're gonna make it i knew you were gonna make it i knew fahim was gonna make it who else was like is there someone that you thought was gonna segura always knew yeah yeah well um is there someone you thought was gonna pop off that didn't yeah there was like well just like

remember this guy was his name Mike Nice do you remember that guy oh yes I always thought that guy was funny as shit and then he was like I quit

why did he oh yeah where did that guy go he just was like I wanna be an actor I don't know oh he probably is doing like indie movie acting shit

I always thought he was funny so funny god there was a there was a bunch of people when I first started out that kind of slowly waned away I mean none of the people

they wouldn't know who we're talking about no they wouldn't because they didn't make it but that's such a big deal that of people when I first started out that kind of slowly waned away I mean none of the people they wouldn't know who were talking about no they wouldn't because they didn't make it but that's such a big deal that like people that I thought were so much funnier than me

and they either quit or just stopped or didn't make it or didn't go yeah it's weird though some people you can like

like like okay Dom Herrera is I think he's in his 60s right so he's always been funny

when did you find out he's 34 and he's always been funny he's in his 60s right so he's always been funny when he found out he's 34 and he's always been funny always funny but he's always been doing clubs I think that's the key is like being among your peers yeah and doing the clubs and staying relevant like that guy's still so funny guys his age that get some sort of success relevant That stay relevant. The guys his age, they fall off because they don't know what's current. They don't know what's, you know, just dumb shit.

Like I have a joke about that, those Supreme bags that everybody's getting. Yeah. And my dad doesn't do standup, but he was at my show the other day and he was like, what is that? Yeah. Like shit like that,

that guys aren't going to know that you're going to know if you're at the clubs doing shit because that's the stuff to make fun of. You know what I mean? Because it's what's happening right now. what's happening yeah exactly but like tim allen and not to knock him i haven't seen his fucking i haven't seen his act in years but like does he know what a submarine bag is i don't know yeah that's my point he makes fun of the idea of that probably yeah he probably mocks that shit he probably goes uh yeah kids are on fairfax right what are they waiting for a life you know ah crowd explodes

right there is still that market though for like tim is kind of like of the conservative world but also everyone gets older and so they fall out of touch too so it's like but there's a whole new that that audience exists too that's what i'm saying yeah the same way that someone's like who votes for trump you're like a lot of fucking a lot of people that are doing their thing. Is there one comedic influence that you really don't, that you don't really, haven't really talked about that you genuinely like, whether it's a peer or someone that was very famous that you were like, oh dude, this guy kind of is the one I, is the one that I love that I kind of emulated when I was young, that I tried to be like. I always, I mean, I talk about it though.

Definitely like Jim Carrey and Eddie Murphy. Yeah, but that's too obvious to me. Yeah, I know. Like here's, I'll give you a sneak one so you can think about it. To me, I thought Greg Giraldo was the funniest guy I'd ever seen in my life. And I knew I was never that smart.

I'm a stupid, stupid guy. Right. I'm a C minus student. You're a, I mean, with all due respect, you're a fucking moron. I'm a fucking idiot. guy. Right. I'm a C-student. You're a fucking moron. I'm a fucking idiot. But I get your money. So Greg Giraldo, to me, was a guy that I was so afraid.

You remember when you were young in comedy, you saw a guy that was so good that you were like, I don't know, I'll never be good. Maybe I'll never be good. Maybe I'm never that good. He was that way to me. I got to listen to his shit. I'll never be good. Maybe I'll never be good. Maybe I'm never that good. He was that way to me. I got to listen to his shit. He was so fucking funny. I listened to it, you know, when I commented as a kid, but I got to listen to his shit.

Because I think there's... Because right now, if he was still alive, he would be... I think he would be like a... I don't know if he'd be as big as Bill Burr, but he'd be like one of those guys. He'd be right there. I think he'd be one of those guys. Yeah. Let me ask you this.

This is something that I'm curious about, too too because we don't really get to talk about this when we're hanging out because we're just hanging out. But you're murdering on the road and you're playing how many seats usually now? Well, so this weekend I'm doing the Wilbur and I'm doing four of them and there are 1,100 seats.

When you go way out and you're out on the road, what's the typical size venue? Is it 3,000? Nah, it's like two or it's two or some of them are almost three. Some of them are three, but then sometimes I'll be like, I don't know how I'm going to do in that market. So I'll do like a 1,500 seat and maybe I'll do two. And then once it sells out, add a show.

Yeah. But in Boston, Boston was a trip though, because I, they sold out all quick. And then I had to add another fifth show at this other theater. So, I mean, I'm in Boston.

I've sold, what was it called? The beacon or no, the Wilbur Wilbur. That's right. So in Boston, I sold, uh,

four, four, five, like 6,000 tickets. That's incredible. Yeah. But that's a big market, you know,

for me, but yeah, I don't, I don't, but I, I don't do. Yeah, but that's a big market for me. But yeah, I don't do that everywhere. But that's a lot. What's your best number? What's your favorite number crowd? Oh, probably like a little over 2,000. Yeah.

You know? Like after that, it kind of gets a little diluted. A little over 2,000. Yeah. You know? Like that's, after that, it kind of gets a little diluted. Yeah, like when I do Toronto, I do like a 3,100 seater and it's awesome. It's always awesome, but it feels like such a big deal. It is.

Do you want to do, I mean, you will get to the point when you do arenas. Do you want to do arenas or no? I mean. That's fucking insane. I'd like to do it, but I don't know if I want to be that like Kevin Hart doing it over and over again but then it's like you know the money is good but he just really

brings out his friends truly I mean at that point you know like Bill just did Madison Square Garden but he brought his buddies it was like he was just

having a fucking good time yeah yeah because at some point you're really just putting on a performance less so than like a traditional stand up show but also

and people may not know this but you make more money doing smaller shows doing more of them than doing one big one because the more the bigger shows you do the more expenses that you have so much more expensive yeah it's crazy when i go out with rogan though he does massive massive theaters and um it it's overwhelming sometimes when i opened yeah what does he do like 8 000 sometimes we did like in kansas city was like 6800 or something like that. But like, it's awesome, right?

But it's also like, I have no connective tissue to the audience, which is hard for me because I'm a club guy. Yeah. And I don't play theaters. I don't get to play theaters.

So like, I'm kind of nervous about it. Like, I kind of love clubs. Like, my favorite number is like 300. It's so perfect for some reason. Like,

250 to 300, I love love and i would do you know four of those shows it's cool it's just when you i i really love that i just like when you have you have to sell more tickets though but it's also but it's also those are you you'll you have like the um the chance of having a heckler is so much higher and i have a lot of hecklers so like if if i'm at a theater they feel like they can't heckle. Oh, that's so smart. That's really fun. That's an interesting perspective because I've never seen you in a theater.

I've never been out with you. People are like waiting. I should come on the road just to hang with you. But the unfortunate thing is you take out a few guys that I fucking hate. No. So you've had a lot of people open for you for a long time. We're going to blank out his name because I don't want people to get it. I don't want him to get any credit.

The old 80s hip hop. Do it like that. It'll be that. Just because I don't want him to get any credit. Nah, he's I call him my opener ever like

on Instagram. It's my favorite. Use my name, you know. No, it's your opener. But he You He He has gotten very strong

and Well, he's Yeah, he's Because of you. Well Yeah, maybe. I don't know. He's i mean he's he kills he's also okay you gotta have a few things if if i'm gonna take you on the road you gotta be first and foremost you gotta be able to hang yeah yeah you gotta be a guy to not a guy i don't mean a guy i mean like uh no you gotta be a guy just like a guy like when i say guy i mean like you gotta be like a hanging out you gotta be a fucking guy you can't be a

fucking uh dude who sits in the room all day by yourself right yeah that guy sucks that guy does suck and i stopped taking guys yeah for for doing that the only people i want to be with ever are people i can say hey do you want to go to a thing right yeah right and because you know what i used to do on the road? Because I couldn't afford an opener for the longest time. And even still now, I have to pay more out of pocket because the clubs don't do shit anymore. But I would go,

oh, I want to go to this thing. And then someone would go, I don't want to. Yeah. I'll pay for it. I don't want to go. Well, what the fuck are we doing? Why are we here together?

Yeah, yeah. Why are we here together? For the show? Yeah, fuck that. We can do the show back home. So's that they have to be they have to they have to not bomb they gotta be yeah they have to be strong i brought guys who i really like hanging out with and they just tank they eat the shit for 15 minutes shit yeah and i'm just like i guess i can't bring them and i wish you could say who it is yeah i'm I will after this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. What if they heard this?

But then. Now they'll fucking know. Are you talking about me? That and then they have to like have a good work ethic. Yeah, they can be lazy. They can't. Like if they're just doing shows with me. Like I like to bring guys that are coming up, you know, like my opener now.

Nameless. But he, I don't want, like he comes back on sunday and doesn't open mic like that's awesome yeah that's because he wants to get fucking good and he wants to get more material and shit like that but then it becomes a thing where it's like he's been opening up for me for a while and i'm like i wonder if like like he makes a lot of money but like he's gotta You've got to cut the strings at some point, right? Yeah, exactly. Like, I got to... You think you might be hindering him because it's so comfortable.

Yeah, I don't know if we're there yet, but like, you know... Also, you don't want to be known as the guy's opener. No, but I think... Being known as an opener is fine for years and years. I happen to broke Chrysler, now look at him. But like... Who did he open for? I don't know, but he would always be like, I was an opener for fucking 20 years.

Wow. Yeah. And you can do that would always be like, I was an opener for fucking 20 years. Wow. Yeah. And you can do that and then be successful. But like you being a guy's guy, I think is a little different. Well, totally. Well, also, there's this new standard of like, look, I headline on my own. So does Ian Edwards. So does Tony Hinchcliffe.

But we all go do Joe shows because Joe likes to take up. But a lot of guys are taking out headliners too because they're like, I just want someone to do great in front of me that I like because there's a big risk in taking someone that you like that's not that good

because you're like, the show will only suffer if the person before me doesn't kill. No, I would never take it. The harder Mike kills, the better off your set is every time. Yeah. That's the funniest part

is people used to get, back when I first started opening for people i didn't even know years ago they would want you to not do that yeah i know and it was because they were scared i know you did well that they couldn't fucking compete yeah i don't i also don't which is bitch shit i was never yeah that is bitch shit dude i whenever i have to go on after not really anymore i don't really care about like coming up when i had to go on after people that were killing, that were famous, and nobody knew who I was, I would make myself do it. I'd be like, oh, fuck, I'm going to bomb, but who cares?

I got to do this. Do you specifically remember the hardest time you bombed or no? I can tell you mine. Yeah. Go. Mine was six months in. Mine was after I did it. It was the first time I really bombed.

I was like, what the fuck is this? It felt like someone was like putting things in my anus. I was like, oh, this sucks. Did you feel, you know what they call this disassociation disorder? Do you feel like you're not even in your body when you're bombing? Wow. Isn't that weird? I can't explain it to people.

You're looking at yourself bombing almost. Yeah. You know what you look like as if you're somebody else's eyes. I bombed recently for the first time in years. Fuck no, where? Dude, I did a benefit. I had to cover for Whitney Cummings. And it was a pit bull rescue thing.

And before the show, everyone was crying. Oh, fuck. You know how it goes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had to go first. There was just no, because I had to leave. So yeah and um and i had to go first there was just no i had because i had to leave so i was like i gotta go first i was like this is gonna be so trash but what is your lead was your lead joke bad is that why i was like so fuck pit bulls no no i i just i was gonna do what i was gonna do and i was like i'll get them i mean they were like but it was a

i i don't i don't know if it was a legit bomb but but it felt like one. Oh, dude. I mean, any kind of corporate event is so easy to bomb. Yeah. So easy to bomb. I bombed so fucking hard for Jim Beam in Vegas. When? I don't know, last year sometime. Really? Yeah, it was me, Alonzo Bowden, and Joel McHale.

Did they kill? Joel, I remember Joel going, I go, how has it been? Because he's been hosting the whole weekend and he goes it's yeah it's a lot of work and I was like oh no dude it was a banquet hall

with circular tables people were like eating and I'm like what the fuck am I supposed to dude there was one time I had to do that in Las Vegas for somebody and I fucking

and the money is so good yeah it's good so you're like I gotta do this I gotta pick up this check I was eating shit for 20 minutes I had to do an hour

I did 15 thank god dude I had to do an hour and up this check. I was eating shit for 20 minutes. I had to do an hour. I did 15. Thank God. Do I do an hour? And they have 20 minutes. I was eating shit. And I was like, this was the man on fire set too. And I was about to film it. And I was, it was murdering. Oh, so this fucked you up.

What the fuck? It gets in your head. And we know the shit is good, but you're like, this is so annoying. So I started, I went into the crowd and then started just over time, just started obliterating. And I got a standing ovation at the end. I was like, how did it? Well, because sometimes doing material with those things doesn't work.

They had told us to keep it clean and I kept it clean and they still were being assholes. And then Alonzo could tell that it was not going well. So he comes right out there like, please, no cuss words, no anything. Alonzo comes out, he's like, y'all never seen a big N word before? And the crowd erupted. Yeah, fuck that, dude. Yeah, no, I should have Alonzo comes out. He's like, y'all never seen a big N-word before? And the crowd erupts. Yeah, fuck that, dude. I should have just said whatever I fucking wanted.

That's why I don't do it anymore. If anybody says, can you do a corporate thing? I go, I'm going to still do my set. Yeah, I don't say. I don't do. Yeah. But I'm not a filthy comic anyway. I know.

But it's the idea when someone puts it in your head that you have to clean it up, you go, what jokes shouldn't I do then? You know, Tripoli, you know, Sam Tripoli sam tripoli was saying he was like it's funny too like being a dirty comic it really is a vibe and a look like because he was like i'm a dirty comic i don't know why but but other comedians will do what i do and they're not dirty comics like fahim has some dirty shit but nobody would ever say he's a dirty comic no he's not as dirty as sam but like right but like people it's your it's but it's your it's the it's the it it's it's the delivery right like fahim is also right yeah you're look fahim is like tidy and cleaned up and look sam kind of looks like he did some bad stuff right sam looks like he might have touched someone before he got on stage right before right before

that's assault i got a case here we go he's like what's up with bitches no I mean you know what though there's gotta be someone that fills every gap just like when I see super clean comics my mind is always blown at how good

yeah like Tom Papa is a guy who I watch and I see him do clean shit and he's so fucking good at doing clean it's weird it's a little annoying

when you're that good at that I don't well that's just not who I am no it's about me neither I don't talk like that no Regan you know Brian Regan's that way.

I think he's the best. Sebastian can do it. I mean, I like when Sebastian isn't like that. He's gotten a little bit more. Yeah, he does both. I think lately he's gotten a little bit more whatever. I don't know how to say it, but more free in his lines. I think it's so fucking good to watch him do that.

Because he does appeal to a super broad audience, so he doesn't want to count out people. If he says something filthy, he makes a lot of money with middle of the country people yeah so i just think like you know i i'm always impressed by people that can do clean do clean shit you're doing so much stand up right now do you want to do more tv again or no you fucking over it i want to do shit that i want to do like if i'm at this point now where like my bread and butter is stand up. I'm not going to get more money doing TV, which people don't really get that.

People think like, it's funny too. People will be like, what's up? Are you good? Like online, the thing people make fun of sometimes is like, oh yeah, because you want to cancel sitcoms. And now it's like, dude, I'm doing much better than I was a year and a half, two years ago. Better than when you were on the show. Yeah. yeah oh yeah that's what they don't fucking realize so so um so it's a a pay cut if i'm gonna do a tv show yeah which is fine i don't really care but

like if i'm gonna do tv i don't want to do just another show like i've had offers from and it's just like basically a version of what i've done before right and it's like i don't want to be the guy that people think they know who i am and so i was like all right i'm going to develop something or i'm going to get something different and if not then i'm just going to do my stand-up because i like i love i love it well you're also at the point right now that people uh secretly i'm sure are developing for you that you don't even know it yeah maybe yeah yeah like i've had people say that to me that they go you know who this would be great i love if christopher would do this and i was like oh that's funny because he's a friend of mine.

He would never do your fucking bullshit. Your fucking bullshit. Chris, the addiction you have to coffee. I know. Do you think it's, how many do you have a day? I just kind of have them all day. I don't know how many it would be, but I always have one in my hand. It never fucks with your heart at night?

When you get home at night, you're not up and up. What time do you go to bed? One. Every night? Sometimes two, three. After you call me? Yeah. Well, you know, because I call you on my way home.

Kiss me goodnight. Well, I tell you about the, I call you on my way home, I tell you about my night. Yeah. And it's always fun. And then I get home. And then one or two, I fall asleep. What's your morning? I draw a picture of you. Will you draw a photo of me? Yeah.

I wasn't going to tell you until Christmas because I have a whole book. What's your routine first thing in the morning? I wake up. I think, oh shit, my back hurts. Every day? Yeah. My routine is I wake up, take a shower, and go get a coffee every day. Every day?

I won't not do that. You don't want to have coffee at your house? No. Why don't you just get a cappuccino machine at your house? Because I don't want to. Because I got to go out to get it because it makes me feel alive. We're the same guy. Oh, really?

I don't want to. Like, you know, eat at the house? No. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Kind of.

What is it? What's there? Yeah. I don't want to do it. Why don't you go shopping? I don't feel like it. Because a restaurant already shopped for me. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe. Yeah. Kind of. What is it? What's there? Yeah. I don't want to do it. Why don't you go shopping? I don't feel like it because a restaurant already shopped for me. Yeah, I know. And I can go to the restaurant and give them the, well, that's a waste of money.

Well, it doesn't. I have it. But I have it, though. I have it and I don't give a fuck. Yeah. It doesn't matter. Yeah. I don't know.

I do that and I like to do that. And it also, I don't know if it wakes me up. I don't know if coffee wakes me up. No, it's just habit. It's the idea that it wakes me up. I don't know if coffee wakes me up. No, it's just habit. It's the idea that it wakes me up. You're not superstitious, right? Not really. I mean.

What is it? You have one thing that you're like. Well, no, I have a few things, but then I think like, oh, but that's not real. What is it? Well, like put it this way. This is how superstitious I am. If I have a choice of walking under a ladder or not under a ladder i'll go not under a ladder i walk right under it but if there if it's like too much of a thing i'll be like i'll just walk under it it's

not gonna be a big deal so it's not superstitious at all not really but if i have the choice and it's easy enough i'll go left what about before shows before you go on stage do you have a thing you have a superstition no not at all no does anything does anything you think it when you don't follow you don't find something that changes every time that you do it because i have to do one thing before i really every time when i'm on the road right before i go on stage you would you share it or no yeah i have to stretch i stretch oh really and it's the weirdest people come in the green room sometimes they think i'm a i'm a fucking weirdo so why do you do that i it makes me feel like i'm getting actually ready

oh like it's something mental for me that when I stretch and I pull down to my back and I'll sit down on the ground and stretch, I feel like I'm actually getting my body prepared. It's so weird, especially because I'm not a physical comic. Oh, so eyeshadow box for 45 minutes. 45 fucking minutes.

In your rider, you just have a punching bag. I'm sweating so much. I need someone to... If I don't get that out, I feel like fucking shit. And you've done it without stretching because you're late or something. Sometimes if I'm late or I show up to the club and mentally, I think it's because you didn't stretch. Wow. Isn't that fucking weird?

And there's no reason for it. I guess I started doing it when I was on the road. Yeah. And it just became such a fun habit that I was like, it actually gets my mind to shift over. But you work out? Yeah, I do so do you stretch when before you work out after after okay yeah because I stretch it like pretty much every day because I work out every day but you're also 38 yeah you're not young anymore no you have to stretch yeah yeah I don't know I just always kind of been doing it so do you look 38 you think you know i don't know i think everybody

thinks they don't look old i've i've looked 35 until for years and now i am 35 and it's kind of it's finally that's what i was i finally settled i always felt like i looked 30 something you always look old older yeah oh yeah you did um but like because like dean del rey who's 52 would always be like oh man that guy's 52 I don't look old like that guy and I'm like yeah you look 52 He looks old Yeah but so I'm like maybe it's just the way you are like I don't know sometimes I see pictures of myself and I'm like okay that's a guy but like if you look like I think 30

late 30s is like that the point where people become like fat dads and shit I know And like gray hair That's the breaking point Yeah and like we don't look like that Do you think it's because we live here and we do this thing? Yeah Because you care Yeah like fat dads and shit. I know. Gray hair. That's the breaking point. Yeah. And like, we don't look like that. Do you think it's because we live here and we do this thing?

Yeah. Because you care. Yeah. Because I have friends that just stopped. I talked to a nurse. I don't remember who it was a while ago. And they were like friends with my friend,

but they were like, or something. I knew them. They weren't like my friend, but they were like somebody. I can't remember where it was or who it was. You know,

you're on the road so much. Yeah. But she was like, I can't remember where it was or who it was, you know, you're on the road so much, but she was like, I see it every fucking day. It's attitude. It's a feeling. If you feel like you're old and getting older, you're old.

And people come in and they're like, oh, it's my back, I'm this and that. Then you're just old. And if you're 60 and you're like, got the attitude of, all right, another day, then you're just old and if you're 60 and you're like got the attitude of alright you know another day then you're just not an old person

that's so smart it probably is fucking attitude it is well you know when you see someone hunched over that's really old that you're like what the fuck how the fuck did you get that

that's gotta be because one day they slouched over and they were like I guess this is me now and they just slouched the rest of their fucking dude my dad yeah I was gonna say

your dad's a good looking dude. He's 70. In great shape. Yeah. He could do jumps. He's hot. My dad is sexy. Is he single?

No. Dude, do you think maybe... That's what adds to it. Do you think maybe... You want to... You want to talk about your dad? So he is 70. He keeps in shape but like he's just always like working and you know he doesn't work out but he's always on his feet and he's just like happy he's living yeah yeah

uh guys are 10 years younger than my dad and look five years older than my dad you know oh totally so it's like yeah but also he takes care of himself like you you've gotten so health conscious lately and you joke about it but it's real yeah no i work out all the time you don't eat bullshit and i mean i eat ice cream sometimes it's just fucking whatever it's just no but i don't eat like fast food and shit but you don't even but even when we've been out to eat you don't eat bullshit nah like when we go out to eat in groups people at the table will eat bullshit really yeah well like your opener will eat like nachos right sometimes i do i don't want to i never want to be that asshole that's like nah i'm not eating that shit like i

don't want to be like if a guy if people order a pizza i don't want to be the guy that's like i'm not going to eat you don't have dietary restrictions nah you're not the guy that's like i don't eat cheese no no none of that shit but i don't i just don't want to be an annoying guy that's like do you find yourself becoming more of the gym guy yeah but i mean not i'm i'm you know i i see that in you what that you're you're more of a gym guy yeah i just don't ever want to be the guy that's like promoting the gym lifestyle that's like gotta be healthy like i don't give a fuck what you do like your walberg shit i mean that's his whole thing so that's different like gotta be healthy. Like, I don't give a fuck what you do. Like your Wahlberg shit. I mean, that's his whole thing.

So that's different. Like The Rock, Wahlberg, those guys, that's their thing. But if he invited you to do the workout and shit, you'd go? Oh, yeah. But what if he invited you, it was fun, funny, and he was also like, I want you to come every day, bro. Yeah, sure. You would.

You'd sink right in. Yeah, but I would never then take on that personality myself. Don't you think that's how he got into it, though? Somebody else did that to him but he was always fit yeah but he's a he is a fucking he is like what hunter s thompson was to drugs mark walberg is to the gym my point is that's funny it was like wake up at 4 a.m it's insane yeah but my my point is if you're gonna be that guy be that guy yeah don't be a comedian and be that guy you want to be like joe piscopo you're lost you're lost then that way yeah like i see i see whoever comedians whatever actors like get into shit and they're like giving it my all and then they're not into it later like dude i work out now because i love it in a year i don't know what if i got to

play a role that's fat i'm like all right i guess i gotta play a get fat a little bit but you'll never have that guy you'll never be that guy what guy you'll never be the fat guy no one's gonna want you to play not what you right right right right that's what's the beauty of being a comedian they're like he's so good he knows who he is sure yeah the hard thing about being fucking an actor that goes in and out of shape is they're trying to like adhere to what they want as well yeah true i don't know how like christian bale does that shit get fat and yeah he went down to like 160 pounds and then he weighed 220 there's no way it's fucking fun no it's also gotta be bad for you it's terrible on your fucking body did you see rob mcclainy from um always oh yeah in the best shape i've ever seen anybody in my entire life and they were like how

is it and he's like miserable i fucking hate it sucks i can't eat shit i can't do anything he's like i work out three times a day and why did he do it for a joke on the show i guess like he got really fat for a joke on the show i know that i think he wanted to prove that he could do it wow i think i think at that point he's so like successful doing his thing on that show that it's like might as well fuck around yeah i might as well fuck around what's your give me your dream give me your dream, give me your dream scenario of a show for you. What is it? Well,

like what's the perfect fucking medium for you? You're going to keep touring for a long time and comedy's going to keep going but like. I want to, I want to do,

I want to have like, I want to do what like Bruce, I want to do those roles. Bruce Willis. What Bruce, you want to do? Everything he's done. Yeah.

From Die Hard to. If they do Die Hard again and you're Bruce, who would to do Die Hard? Everything he's done, yeah. From Die Hard to... If they do Die Hard again and you're Bruce, who would play Danny Glover? No, that's... Did I say Danny Glover? Yeah, that's... That's even funnier. That's the other movie with Mel Gibson, right?

Yeah. Yeah, so if I did that movie, though. Yeah, that movie. Mel Gibson, me and... I can't wait to hear the backlash from this. He doesn't know his black guys. Yeah, but it was more because of the fucking... It's the that movie, though. Yeah, that movie. Mel Gibson, me and... I can't wait to hear the backlash from this. He doesn't know his black guys. Yeah, but it was more because of the fucking... It's the same movie, really.

It's the same movie. It's all the same fucking movie. What's a movie you hope they remake and you'd be in? Well, no, Die Hard. That's it. Oh, yeah. You want to be in that? Yeah.

Oh, Speed with Keanu Reeves. But you're almost too Keanu. I know. Well, that's why I love Keanu. Yeah. Because I'm like, I see a little of that. Has he hit you before? I met him once, but no. I met him once, you know, no, but not really. Talk about a guy. He's 50. He looks

fucking amazing. I look like his older brother. Have you ever met someone who's super successful and famous that's very impressed to meet you that you're kind of surprised? Yeah. It's a guy named Michael. Pena? Michael Pena. He's fucking awesome. That guy came up to me and was like i love and was like dude hey and i was like what and and now i'm like oh this is fucking michael pena talking to me and he was like you don't understand he's he was i was like what he was like you don't

get it he's like i fucking i i fucking love you dude and i And I was like, what? And he just went on and on about how funny he thought I was. I mean, this is so cocked to be talking about this, but you asked. I did. And I was like, no, dude. I was like, you're... Because I think that guy's fucking... I think he's great, dude. He's so dope.

I mean, he is so good and also funny. Yeah, he's very funny. I mean, to be funny good and also funny. Yeah, he's very funny. I mean, to be funny in those movies too is hard. So hard. A lot of movies are corny as shit. People don't know. He's just funny, dude. And so I was like, I wanted to be like, stop.

Like, you're fucking. But he was just gushing. It was awesome. It was awesome. That's incredible. I've never had that, so thank you. Well. Yeah, and I never will. So thanks a lot, Chris. No, you will. I've never had that, so thank you. Well. Yeah, and it never will.

So thanks a lot, Chris. No, you will. I've actually had people that I admire that I go, hey, I love your stuff. And they're like, not a fan. You know what else happened too once? This was really funny. This like 18-year-old comes up to me. He's like, dude, no fucking way.

He's like, I fucking love you's like i fucking love you you're my favorite comedian he was like you're you're so funny he was like i was just telling my mom about you mom you fucking got me and around the corner robin wright penn comes oh shit and he was and she was like hi and she was like this is the fucking guy and she was like oh he's like yeah he's been telling me how funny you are and i I'm like, Jesus Christ. Like weird shit like that happens in Hollywood. It's so funny. That's incredible though. Yeah.

I was like, this is Robin Wright Penn. She didn't know who you were. I mean, I don't think so. Just because of what he was saying. Yeah. It was also a few years ago. But she also seems like somebody who's so famous in her own right that she's like, oh, that's nice that you're also famous.

Yeah. So funny. But you know what the best was? Was Curb Your Enthusiasm. Larry David. Yeah. I just did it yesterday. He was at the Laugh Factory. Did what? Oh, you did? so famous yeah so funny but oh you know what the best was was uh kirby enthusiasm larry david yeah i just did it yesterday factory did what oh you did i did kirby oh you'd be great on that oh so much fucking wow so he was at the laugh factory once and it was just like so funny how much he did not know who i was right and just like well he's not in like, well, he's not in the scene. I know he's not in the scene, but it's just like,

it was just so funny to be like, Oh Rob, you know, like Michael Pena or Robin Wright Penn or whatever. And then, and then, uh, and then a comedian that like you admire is just like,

can you get my car? Do you know what I mean? It's just hilarious. Well, yesterday when I did curb, uh, it was nice. Cause Jeff Garland came in and was like,

Santino. And so Larry was like, Oh, you work together oh you work together i was like oh yeah i'm at the comedy store with jeff and he goes jeff goes to the comedy store yeah i was surprised he was not like what's the comedy store no he's so rich and out of touch well he does his own thing yeah he's in his own he's in his own world i mean hilarious making him laugh making him break on camera was maybe oh wow pinnacles of my life and ted danson said i was hysterical i said ted he goes oh my god you're fucking hilarious. And I go, wow. Wow.

I go, you're not too bad yourself. And he goes, thank you. Can you get me a coffee, though? No shit. I was like, this guy's the fucking best. Did he do that for real as a joke? 100%. Oh, that's great.

100%. And I went to go get him a coffee, and then he had gone in the scene. And I was like, I wanted to give him a coffee just to put the button on it. That's funny. But now that you're like having that ascension, are you having more famous people reach out to you? Not really, dude.

No? I mean... Because I get very odd fame, like, or they used to be famous people that reach out to me. I get a lot of them. Oh, that's funny. But in a way that they're like...

I mean, on Twitter and shit. That's what I mean. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Oh, yeah, okay. That's the only way they can connect with us anymore. I got you, yeah.

Yeah, on Twitter, yeah, people will be like, like, who. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I mean. Oh, yeah, okay. That's the only way they can connect with us anymore. I got you, yeah. Yeah, on Twitter, yeah, people will be like, who? Yeah, for some reason, it's always people that used to be famous. Yeah, they're not famous anymore. It's so funny. Dean Cain would be like, well, man. No, he didn't. Superman? Yeah.

Superman? Yeah. No, yeah, it's always people that were famous that now are, they're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. always people that were famous that now are, they're fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or they just had a baby. There's a woman who has a family now or some shit. It's so funny to see old TV stars that are full-on family style, and you're like, oh, you used to be kind of the sex symbol.

Now you're just a mom in Sherman Oaks. Yeah. Which there's nothing wrong with it. No, no, no. It's just crazy that that's what we see them as now. I know. You could be a mom one day in Sherman Oaks. I can't wait.

I would like to be a mom in Sherman Oaks and just fucking have a guy just go to work and be like, bye, honey. I'm going to pitch a show. Okay. Where I'm the husband, you're- In. Okay. In.

You're my wife. Yeah, but no, but to go back to what you were saying, I wanted to do, I want to do like action. You want to do action? Legit action. I wouldn't, seriously, I wouldn't pay you for that for real. Yeah. Not, but action slash comedy?

No. It would be funny because I'm in it that's what i'm saying but no straight fucking action it's like it's like if you put like not like not like not like the good what was that movie the good guys that was funny with yeah it's funny movie yeah but i'm talking about legit yeah like me me and die hard or me and speed but like it's me, so it would be funny because you'd be like, oh, it's funny because it's him. But I don't think I'm cool in it like the legit action stars. Right, right, right. So you're taking yourself very serious. I'm like, let's do this.

I'm the guy. I want to do this. I think when you take a comedian, a true comedian like you, or if they're in the movie and they're not playing a real character, like you're playing the lead that's just like the lead of the movie, you're going to be funny. Yeah, well, that's harder than that. Because that's you. Yeah. But if you're playing like, you know,

if you were going to play Jared Leto in Dallas Buyers Club, then you're going to be the character if you're a good actor. Did he get AIDS for that? I think he's committed, yeah. I think he injected himself. That is deep. That is going all the way in.

I don't know if it's HIV. I don't know if it's full blown. No, no. He went and bought AIDS. Wow. Yeah. You like that? That art piece behind me?

Yeah. That's from my special. Dave Clark drew that. Oh, yeah. That's all the Chicago characters characters that's a great lenny bruce poster i stole from the set i'm dying up here so legal on this yeah it's illegal that was illegal um i want to thank you so heavily and dearly for coming on because you're my friend and i love you to death and i'm glad that you did this and it's so fucking cool i told you i wanted to do it no i'm glad that you came on and i really do appreciate it and um the next time um you want me to come on your podcast i will because i've never been on okay i've never had a guest but i'm gonna be the first guest okay i'm gonna be the

guest i said i would have one guest and it would be jean-claude van damme and i where you at john yeah but i think he passed so really yeah and I would too if I was him. What about, would you do any action star? Would you take any of them? Yeah. What if Steven Seagal? Oh, I mean, what? Yeah, and you mean break the internet?

Sure. He's the coolest. He's stuck in Russia right now because he hates America. I don't know anything about him, but people seem to think he's the worst. Can I tell you, I know everything about him. I had to research him for this thing that we wrote. Oh, really? I swear to God, he's incredible.

He has like nine levels of belts of different kinds of fucking martial arts. He's that guy. He overdid it. Yeah. But it's perfect. You know what I mean? He's had a ponytail since he was 16. I know.

That's crazy. So fucking cool. Even women don't have ponytails since they were 16. Even women get to be 50 and they're like, okay, going short. Steven Seagal's like, I'm more of a woman than you are. I'm more of a woman than you are.

Thank you. I love you, Chris. Thanks, man. Do you have outro music? Yeah, we'll- See you later. Hey, guys. Thanks for coming by.

Have a good one. And enjoy the outro music. This has been Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino. With your guest, Chris Nguyen. Ginger. I like gingers.