Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Dan St. Germain

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

Dan St. Germain—a master of wit with a flair for the absurd—has been cracking up audiences with his sharp humor and larger-than-life personality. Catch his latest comedy special, out now on YouTube, where he tackles life's chaos with his signature edgy punchlines and unapologetic style. Don't miss out on the laughs! DAN ST. GERMAIN'S NEW SPECIAL! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWafzY7HERs #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino #danstgermain ================================================= Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey RABBITHOLE $5 OFF YOUR ORDER https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow USE PROMO CODE: RABBIT ETHOS Affordable Life Insurance ONLY $10 A MONTH https://ethoslife.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Dan St. Germain. Thank you, buddy. What an intro. I want to hype up the guests, make them feel something.

And you're in basketball shoes, so I wanted to make it so. I'm wearing my Jordans. What are those, Jordan 36s? I don't know. They're Jordan 100 on Amazon. Jordan 100 on Amazon? I have no idea. Jordan 100 on Amazon? I have a price I want to hit with my shoes. It's always $100? It's around $100.

You know, once I book another gig. Every gig you book? If this goes to series, if this show goes to series, I'll bump up to $200. What show are you working on right now? Me and Soder got a cartoon where I'm developing a peacock with Stone Cold Steve Austin. Shut up. It's kind of wild, yeah. If we do it, you'll definitely do a voice on it.

Thank you. Is he involved, Stone Cold? Yeah, dude. We sold the show with him. Oh, so he was like a part of the process. We were pitching with Steve. What? It was hilarious.

It was like we'd have a good... You've pitched a bunch of shows, right? Yeah, but almost always, if you have a big name like that... That's why you said... Yeah, I've done that. But sometimes they don't show up. They're like, yeah, you can use my name and I'll just be a part of shows right almost always if you have a big name like that some that's why you said yeah i've done that but sometimes they don't show up they're like yeah you can use my name and i'll just be a part of it later and you're like i've i've pitched a lot sold a couple but the ones that i've sold like one one i went i went into one with jake johnson and like the executive started wrestling jake and i was like oh we're selling we're selling this yeah they're gonna

buy it but steve it was hilarious because like if pitch went great, he'd be like, all right. But if it didn't go great, he goes, I think y'all need to put a little more stink on it. It'd be like, Steve. All right, Steve. Y'all got to understand, can't be a dumb bitch when you get in the room. But it was awesome.

He's awesome. That was one of my favorite of all time, of all of the shitty MTV punk. That one was the best where the guy was being rude to the valet. Oh, dude. And he looked like he was about to beat his fucking ass. It was awesome. He was like, you're a stupid son of a bitch.

You know that? Yeah, yeah. And the dude, the actor, whoever it was, you could tell there was a moment when he thought, I got a break because this guy's going to knock me out. Yeah. Stone Cold's going to literally knock me out. Yeah, yeah, for sure. And everyone as an audience was like, punch him, dude. Just punch him dude just punch him steve it was it was the greatest punk because

like then i've seen ones did you see the one where like who's uh i think like somebody almost started crying it was like justin timber like yeah when they started like crying and you're like they removed all of his goods from his home yeah that's a tough one so lame would you just be like don't air this i'd be like don't air that dude i. I'll give you money to not air that. Yeah, I would say, I wouldn't start crying. No, no. You know? Don't, please don't air it. That guy had all that trauma, though, from like Lou Pearlman, like just taking all the

fucking shit from him. All those childhood stars, they were so abused and so like grossly overused. You saw the Disney thing? Yeah, it's disgusting. Yeah, it's just, it's rough. No, no, I didn't watch it. I saw, in the zeitgeist of the internet now, you don't even need to watch anything. Everyone just tells you all of it.

See enough clips. Yeah, it's disgusting is all it is. But it's not like anybody's surprised. No, not on that one. People are taking advantage of all these young kids. You're like, yeah, this is gross. It felt gross anyway. I mean, you think back of the day when Shirley Temple's just smoking a pack of Reds with all the fucking midgets.

When she was like 11 or something like that. Yeah, it's insane. like the fucking midgets from when she was like 11 or something like that yeah like it's insane like i watched a documentary yesterday about on the plane ride home about rock hudson about like him having to hide his sexuality but the funny thing was i heard that's great that's it's really good dude if rock hudson was alive today though the internet would have clipped him within the first year of his like partying because he would go out in west hollywood and just like they would like collect dudes and bring them back to his castle is what they called it and he'd have like 30 dudes and it was like you know all a legit

party everybody wanted to be there but it was it was part of the conversation that they were like you can't tell anybody that you were at Rock Hudson's house but but that was all his staff he didn't care it almost felt like he kind of wanted people to know he was gay and didn't give a shit but everyone around him was like come on dude we gotta wild protect the bag dude i mean like i would be having such a fun time like i never get proposition by women anymore you know i'm married but like yeah this week i just got a casual message from some guy who's like because he saw a bit of mine he says i bet i had a gay experience in college he's like hey man uh you want me to suck your dick and i was like no i'm good but that's so nice thank you though i said i said hey that's

really nice he goes all right well you're looking good and i was like thanks buddy thank you dude you know like i've been propositioned uh um a few times on the road uh by men asking me to sleep with their wives um even if i was single no thank you yeah that's a lot of because you first off you don't know when like the guy's gonna like flip and then all of a sudden just beat you to death. Yeah, exactly. You're in his home. Also, they want to be there to watch is the whole thing. And this is multiple times.

The first time I ever got asked was years ago, and I thought he was joking around. Right. And he kept pushing me about it. And then I was like, dude, leave me alone. I haven't known any white guys that's happened to. I've known a couple black guys, so good for you, buddy. I'm kind of black. There's parts of me that are black.

I mean, I'm rare like a black guy. You're rare. I'm rare, yeah. You's parts of me that are black. I mean, I'm rare like a black guy. You're rare. I'm rare, yeah. You're half ginger. You're like not one of us. I'm not fully ginger. We'd walk you into the meeting, but we'd have to pat you down and make sure you're still valid. Yeah, I would be like black Klansman, but with gingers.

Yeah. No, I got asked a few times, and it was—I even thought—let's just say I'm a single guy. I even thought, like, let's just say I'm a single guy. All of the negative things about it immediately enter your brain of like, well, I'm in your house. You're probably going to be filming this or something fucking crazy. You know what I mean? Yeah. There's never going to work out positively. Bob of the Love's budget.

Right, right. It's going to be bad no matter what. But getting offered for some guy to give you head is kind of rad, man. Good for you. Yeah, you know, I still got it, apparently. You still got it. What was the gay experience in college? I hooked up with this well this guy he went down on me it's straightest way to hook up uh and i gave him a hand job which is the gayest way to

be gay yeah um but he ended up like winning a tony so like the one time i like went with gays i like hit the lebron james of gays yeah that's pretty impressive you know like the girls i hooked up with college they work at you know fucking guitar center, or I don't know where they're at. You know, so like I should have stayed in my lane because I would have been having a lot more fun, I think, you know. I'd probably be dead from like 80s AIDS. Yeah, for sure. You know what I mean?

Like thick mustache AIDS. Yeah, you would have gotten that. Yeah. The Rock Hudson stuff. The good stuff. Yeah, like petitioning for Congress AIDS, you know, like in the 80s with a blanket around you and shit uh you made the quilt you are a quilt maker i become the quilt yeah i saw that by the way in the documentary it is they did show that quilt uh when they brought it to dc and they put it um in front of the washington monument you know and i remember as a

kid hearing about it you know because we're close to the same age. I'm 40. How old are you? I'm 40 in May, yeah. So, like, I remember as a kid kind of hearing about that thing, but not really understanding, because I was like, what are they making them blankets for? Why are they doing that? Why do they need blankets? I didn't understand. It's like they're all quilting for these gay people.

I was like, why is that important to the culture? And then you got older, you're like, oh, right, this is so like Congress would pay any attention to these people. Dude, it's wild. They had to make noise. Otherwise, Reagan was like, not interested. No, not interested at all. He was like, AIDS is gay.

Well, have you seen those like the speeches where Clinton's talking about it and there's just like guys yelling in the back like, we're dying. Yeah. We're dying. He's like, that's not good. Must have been fucking wild. I'm sad that you're dead. I'll play sax at your funeral clinton clinton attends gay funeral play sax yeah no they didn't it's just it it was polarizing to see because i watched these old hollywood uh documentaries a lot to see yeah

because the there was things about the old days that were kind of beautiful obviously that had right but there was a lot of sparkle on pieces of shit. But like the studio system was so interesting that you, they paid for everything. They literally bought your whole life. It's as if you didn't have to handle cash because they didn't want you to be aware of, you know,

what's really going on. So they were like, we'll buy your, we'll pay for your house, food, car service. So you didn't see a bill. They didn't see like rock.

They said, rock Hudson just didn't handle money and the only reason he needed money was when he went out at night to clubs so that's why there was this big disparity of like we can't give him cash because then we know he'll be up to no good again so he needed money to go out to go party but they wanted to keep him isolated being like don't we bought don't you have a beautiful home like you have all the shit you need right in some way like look is that confining but like now living in the day where like you can't just be a comedic actor you've got to be a stand-up you gotta have two podcasts you gotta like fucking start an llc for gods you know it's it's there is something comforting about just somebody like you're just a cat, like being Priscilla Presley, you know, like just a kept person. Well, I think being in the kind of the toughest thing about being in the arts or whatever you want to say is like now your people are making less art because you're trying to keep up with the business.

That's the hardest part. You're like, I have to do all the shit and I also have to make the thing, but I have to keep doing the thing to make sure I'm able to do the shit. Dude, and if you don't, because I don't have a social media guy, so it's like me, I'm like making sure, okay, to hit the algorithm, I've got to make sure it comes in at 3 p.m. It's insane. It's terrible. Yeah, you're like trying to mainline heroin or

something. It's crazy, dude. By the way, I'm sorry you talked about this off camera before you got in. I should have removed the bottles, but there was a massive bar, but you're six months sober. Six months back, yeah. You talked about this off camera before you got in. I should have removed the bottles. Oh, no, it's fine. It's a massive bar. But you're six months sober. It's good. Six months back, yeah. You know, been going to meetings for like 18 years.

I went on a bad one after my mom died last year. Tough. So now I'm like, so now I'm back out of the woods after that, you know. But you're healthy again. You're happy again. Healthy again. Happy again. Doing stand-up

again writing again all that kind of shit i miss it here a little bit man we used to go to cafe 101 you and i for dinner before that place got shut down well they made something else they made it something else and i don't go over there anymore no i don't like the like like why why change it i get it was that was like such a fun la place this is the problem los angeles is so transient both in its like yeah businesses and people that nothing can stay here we don't keep anything we the only things that are kept here we're already here for 50 years but if you're relatively new like you were birthed in the 80s and 90s in la if you're gone they're gonna move on they'll something else needs to get in that business and those people want to sell because they're like fuck it it's worth money

we'll sell the business and get out of town. Yeah. I went on a black dahlia tour when I lived here. Oh, yeah. And at the very end of it goes, we'd show you the house where they found, you know, the body, but it's a Krispy Kreme. How appropriate. That's perfect.

That is actually perfect. It is perfect. It's like every true crime tour guide, by the way, he was just covered in cat hair. Yeah. Like, I've never just, like, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He should be. He should be.

Well, you said before the show, too, you have three dogs. You used to only have one. How many dogs do you guys have? We only have one now. We're getting another one. Oh, nice. What do you think I was thinking? I don't know, man.

You know, like, there's just whatever, the mutt hut up the street. Right. I'm just going to grab one of those idiots. Whatever's, like, not going to get put. Whatever's, like, two days from getting put down. Yeah, just grab a moron and then take it in and have fun with it. Something that was – it was one that was probably living in a barrio in East L.A. Right.

That was kicked out of a home and then now was eating street scraps. And so we get those things. They have diarrhea for like a month and then they level out. Once you get to the worms and then they level out. Once you get to the worms and everything, the dogs are great. But yeah, we, this is, we're at third, we're our third one right now. And we'll probably get, I don't think we can get any less than three. That's what my wife told me. She's like, I need no less than three.

No less than, Holy shit. Like I need three. She wants four. I'm like, we live in a fucking two bedroom. That's, that's a lot. Yeah. Do that, you know? But you know, I mean, if it provides some sort of happiness and safety and whatever

you need, who gives a shit? I love it. They're a lot. They're a lot. They're on us all the time. No cats though, right? No cats. I'm allergic to cats.

Yeah. Aren't we all? Yeah. Are you? I feel like we're supposed, yeah. I think everybody is allergic to cats and then. It's like we shouldn't drink milk. It's one of those things.

But we do it anyway. I drink milk all the time. Right. Right. Just before I got here, I was just chugging down half and half in my car i've tried to go the route of the popular oat almond so you know whatever you feel better afterwards you do but i just the flavor of rich thick fatty milk is untouched. Have you always been thin? I went through, like, little heavier phases, but never, like, big, big.

You've always looked pretty good. Well, I have cognizantly punished myself when I overeat and then feel so much shame about it that I, like, hurt myself, and then I get back to, like, where I need to be. So, like, I abuse myself and I go back. Yeah, you're Ricky Lake? I'm up and down, yeah, all the time. Too big now.

I broke my friend's toilet yesterday, so I'm like, all right, we got it. Oh, shit. If I'm becoming like a fucking scene from the clumps, I've got to like work this out, you know? Jesus Christ. What did you do? You sat down and turned too fast and then snapped? Dude, I was taking a shit.

I didn't even just sit down. I was taking a shit and I felt it crack underneath me like the fucking San Andreas Fault. Yes. And I was, and you have to call somebody because I'm staying at their place watching their dog and I'm like,

I got to go buy you guys a new toilet seat. And you could just hear in their mouth like, well, we're never having you. Oh, that's okay. And I totally understand but they're like,

that's okay. Were you standing on it? Were you jumping on the toilet looking for something above? So you're not drinking right now. No, but you know, that chair's been broken. I've talked about this. That chair's been broken and it's not breaking right now.

So look at that. Hey, there you go. People broke that chair before. Rest in peace, Ralphie May. Yeah, Patrice sat on Ralphie's lap on this show one time. They were like a Russian doll sit. Yeah, dude. When you come in then, you stay, so you always stay at friends' houses or do you ever want to sneak away to a hotel?

No, I'm staying at Airbnb for the rest of the time here. You don't like hotels? I was at a hotel for a couple days, and then I went to my friend's place for a couple days because they were out of town. I was at another friend's place last night, and now I'm at, yeah, my Airbnb for the rest of it. And, you know, I think I'd prefer to just do a hotel the next time for two weeks. I like hotels only because...

You don't have to, like, look for a key and figure it out. Yeah, I don't feel guilty about hotels because you can just kind of get in, fuck it up, trash it, and then leave and not feel... Just starfish on the bed,

throw a bunch of rocks on there. Yeah, I don't want to feel weird about somebody's house, about being like, oh, man, I'm in this person's house and maybe I shouldn't smoke in here or something, whatever that is. Plus, have you seen that...

There's that horror movie like Dave Franco did, like Rental, where it's like, you know, like, it's okay, but it's pretty good. But the guy makes copies of the keys and comes in and kills everybody. Not that that can't happen in a hotel, but I feel like it's more likely to happen in somebody's house. It's probably never going to happen at a hotel, but the rarity of that would be through the roof.

Someone can do that in Airbnb so easily. Yes. Come back. I've lived in places in New York that are shady. I used to live in Washington Heights when I was like 22, 23, and my landlord used the living room as an office. So imagine bringing a girl home, and there would be a giant TV with black and white security footage of the whole building,

and you have to explain that, like, uh, no, don't worry, I'm not the Golden State Killer. This isn't for us. This is for security. For safety. For your safety, in fact. Just the places I fucking live, dude. But now you're happy you're in Queens again. Uh, yeah, we live in a nice little, you know, complex. But, I mean,

New York and L.A. are both shittier since when we've like, last, like, ten years. Like, last five years. We both seem to decline of Western civilization, both of you and I.A. are both shittier since when we've – Yeah. Like, last, like, ten years. Yeah, we – Like, last five years. What would we do? We both seem to decline of Western civilization, both you and I. Where would we go, though? That's my problem. Where would you go?

You can't – well, I mean, I guess, like, rich people are buying – like, really rich people are just buying compounds now, apparently. Fresh water deposits. What am I going to do out there? Oh, I'm fucked, dude. Because I'm never... Even if I have, like, a good year, I'm still not in the bracket of, like, great... Like, I'm not...

Like, that's, like, Rogan money. Do you know what I mean? You need to have, like, Rogan money to get, like, freshwater deposits. Yeah, and also that... So you've got to wait for that $250 million check to come in, and that's insane. Right.

It's not realistic. And at that point, it's currency devalued anyway. Right. So who cares? What's real? So let's die happy in Queens with three dogs. Exactly. Although I'd like to be upstate, I think.

Do you guys just have the one place, or do you guys have another little... No, this is... No, we have our spot here. We do just little getaways, but we don't have a place. I love that, man. We just get away, and we'll just go stay somewhere for a little while, which I wish I had another place somewhere to go to, but I don't mind just getting in a hotel and living somewhere for a little while, which I wish I had another place somewhere to go to, but I don't mind just getting in a hotel and living somewhere for a little while. Yeah.

I don't mind, like, we're going to the Poconos for a couple days and just living like a normal person would live for, like, four days, you know? Like, that's my idea of a vacation now. But upstate's great. Yeah, I like it up there. Like, I'd love to get, like, a tiny place in the Catskills if I ever, you know, if financially I could afford it, I guess. Well, make your girl start that OnlyFans you guys have been talking about.

Oh, for sure, man. You can put all that stuff in your ass and make some money. Dude, for sure. I mean, I've thought about that. Dude, there's some people I know that are making like 40, 70K on OnlyFans a month, you know, and not even sex acts, you know. Really? Pictures of asses and shit, yeah. I'll show my pipe for 40K a month.

For sure, dude. Yeah, that's insane. Are you kidding me? And what would be the... Dude, there's... Both you and I have done road gigs that are way more humiliating than showing our dick on fucking camera. Yeah, dude, 100%.

Are you kidding me? Where you're staying in a motel six and the hum of the Pepsi machine right outside keeps you awake. Those moments will be burned into my sad brain for the rest of my life. That's the worst ASMR ever. When you just hear the mountain deer rattle. It sounds like a dead man's arm. Oh my God, I hate it so much.

And people just coming and going all night long. It's like that scene in Big when he's a kid and he first moves to New York and the gunshots are right outside. No, that's exactly what it is. That's what it feels like. You're having that when you're 35. Yeah, it's awful. Now, those days, I'm glad, are a little bit in the rear view, but it makes you happy when you do go to a place.

That's why when I go somewhere and they're like, what's on your rider? And I'm like, nothing. And they're like, you don't want anything? I'm like, no, I just want to do a show and then go home. I don't need to make this anything other than it is. I'm just happy that we're here and we're doing it. Let's get the fuck upstate. You don't have the Air Force Ones

in every green room. Yeah, that's insane. What is that? Who was that? Aries Spears? It was Eddie Griffin, I think. Oh, Eddie Griffin. I don't know. Somebody would ask for shoes at every venue. I remember hearing that. They wanted a fresh pair of Air Force Ones at every venue. What a great demand. I'm not in that category. I'm in the category where I'm happy they're giving me a Weston instead of being like,

oh, you're just staying with me and the kids. I had a gig once where I stayed with a guy and I'm waking up in the morning having breakfast with this whole fucking family and I'm looking around. Uncle Dan is here. There's a new uncle every weekend. And it was cut up hot dog pieces. I'm like, this is like a Great Depression photo. This entire milieu.

Paint this, Norman Rockwell. Sad stand-up comic in other man's home. Hot dog pieces. I'm like, this is like a Great Depression photo. This entire milieu. Paint this, Norman Rockwell. Sad stand-up comic in other man's home. Chumming through shit food. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, this episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by Squarespace. I've talked about Squarespace a lot on this show, and that's because I used it. I believe in it.

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That's ethos, E-T-H-O-S, life.com slash whiskey. Ginger. I like gingers. Well, the condo days when you stayed in condos a lot. Oh, my God, the condo, dude. That was tough. Those condos are really, really tough. Yeah, there's that one in Winnipeg.

They also had, like, old ladies there. And, like, you're, like, going to the gig, and you're just seeing, like, old people wait for their families that don't show up in the lobby. So sad. And you have to pretend like it's totally okay and normal for you to be in that situation too. I mean, you do like last night

I'm at the main room of the store. It's like 400 people and you're like, this is the life. You're like, famous people were on the show. And then immediately you're brought down to earth a week later. You know, you're at a Quentin, like with a gun in your mouth. It does feel

it's up and down, but look, you're up right now. You have a special out. Let's plug it, baby. YouTube, baby, free, free, free. Free, free, free. Go watch it right now. No paywall. No paywall on YouTube. Now, do you do the thing where you let them donate to you on there? I do. I put my Venmo, and then they also have something you can donate to 800 Pound. Yeah, that's the move.

Oh, 800 Pound, who did you do it with? Yeah, they put some money in at the end, like two-thirds funded by me, one-third funded by them. But they're great to work with. Yeah, they were awesome. Your last one was Netflix, right? Netflix and 800 Pound. Yeah, they did it with me. And now is it on?

Did it move from Netflix to like? Just on Netflix now. The. Yeah, they did it with me. And now is it on, is it still, did it move from Netflix to like... Just on Netflix now. The next one I'm doing is with Hulu. I'm doing Hulu. Oh, I heard they're doing stuff. Yeah, I want to do Hulu. I'm moving away from Netflix.

Yeah, no more... I think they just, it's a lot over there and I feel like maybe I want to try something new. I love Hulu, dude. I have my live TV set up there. That's what I do.

That was part of my, I was literally like, I like the platform. I think it's great. And that wasn't the reason, but it was like, I want to try something new. A lot of people are trying new, you know? There's a good list of names of people that are leaving, going over. So who knows, man?

Hey, Netflix, if you're looking for anybody while Santino leaves, I'm open for business. Yeah, you lost me. Pick up Saint Germain. You're open for the fatter, sweatier Ginger. I'm here. No, Louie already exists. He is the fatter, sweatier ginger. I'm here. No, Louie already exists. He is the fatter, sweatier ginger. That is true.

That is true. Has he been on the show? No, dude. He's rarely in L.A. from what I know, and if he ever is, I've never bugged him to be on the show because him and I don't really know each other. It's so funny. It's like all the time I've spent in New York and all the guys that I do know, he's one of those guys I just don't know.

But I never – it's always – I don't really try to ingratiate myself in situations where I just don't feel like I should. So if he's with people that I know, I'm not going to go over there and be like, hey, I just never do that. Yeah, I mean, I've seen him at the cellar table, and that's about it. And he's been, you know, we've been totally fine, quite nice to each other. But, like, is there any comic now, like, I think he I think he's probably one of the best, if not the best.

He's the best right now, yeah. He's probably the best. Probably the best of all time. Probably the best of all time. He's probably the GOAT, right? But are there still, are there anyone? Because I can't think of it. Is there anyone in comedy you would be nervous around still?

No. I don't think so. No, I mean, I think. I think it's just like sports guys. There's maybe just a couple people from like, maybe like if I saw Bruce Springsteen, I'd be nervous. Jordan, I'd be, Jordan would do it. Yeah, Jordan. He would make you feel nervous, Springsteen, I'd be nervous. Jordan. Jordan would do it. He would make you feel nervous, too.

He would make you feel nervous. Yeah. He'd be like, nice shoes. You know what I mean? And then you'd look down and immediately be like, these are the worst shoes I've ever worn in my entire life. He hates my shoes. He fucking hates my shoes. He's mocking me.

It would not be fun. No. You don't want to meet Michael Jordan. Jordan would be tough, I think. Comedian-wise, no. I mean. I can't think of anybody. Nobody's that tough's is there any actor

that you've been on where you're like oh no fuck no fuck that no they're all fucking dorks no I think Dead Comics

I Carlin would have scared the shit out of me to meet I would have been scared of that I heard he was super nice but yeah but that still would have

intimidated the fuck out I don't know he would have been like he would have been scary prior probably probably would have been scary yeah but outside of those guys nobody alive would like freak me out no nobody would freak me out well that's the good thing about the internet of all the bad things they know not to be a piece of shit to people now because people can just say that you're a piece of

shit yeah they can i mean they can lie anyway but yes they can it's it's uh it's it's very easy now it's not like this you you read that book I Killed where the story's about Carson just being a complete piece of shit. Piece of shit, yeah. Piece of shit. You know, you can't get away with that anymore. It is fucked up to think that guy was a, he was a kingmaker and-

The kingmaker, yeah. But was so manipulative and so fucking evil. I mean, according to some of those stories. Oh, yeah, some of those stories are crazy. That you're like, holy shit, I- Didn't he like used to come back to his wife and be like, ah, fuck this girl in the office and like make jokes about it? She's like crying in the corner.

The lasagna's almost ready. You know? No, I think it just became more apparent that famous people couldn't be mean and get away with it anymore. I think people were tired of it. So a lot of people piped up and were like, I don't want to feel like shit anymore just because you're more famous than me. I think that changed a lot. Our young generation, when we were young, the guys

who were above us used to bump us all the time, and then now we're the guys. I don't bump anybody. I don't fucking walk in and bump. I ask for spots. I'm not at bump level yet. The only time I bump was if I go into a shitty bar show and I'm like, can I go first? That's where I go. Yeah, but that's not really bumping.

That's not really bumping. That's kind of like sliding up the lineup because you need to leave. That's just sliding up the lineup and getting out of there. But yeah, no, I mean, you know, it's so weird now because and I noticed this, I don't know if you noticed this, the guys above us, above class have become so much nicer in the last like, and not just because like,

oh, they probably saw like, okay, these guys aren't just like, they're not just a flash in the pan, and not just because like oh they probably saw like okay these guys aren't just like they're not just a flash in the pan they're in yeah they're legit they're in it right but also because like these new like tiktok guys and youtube guys that just blew past almost everybody that they're like or at least these two guys are like real comics right and they've been around and they've been around in the shit like'm going to be nice to them because this kid has been doing it three months and is selling out fucking theaters. Well, yeah, I saw,

I was talking to somebody where I just came in from out of town and I was talking to the manager and he was like, yeah, you probably won't recognize any of the names on the list on that board

because I was looking at who's coming next. Yeah. And I didn't know anybody. For the first time in years, because I had... It's so nice, though, when you're on a show with those guys and you just like torch them

just destroy I'm like I know you guys are getting all the bookings I should be getting but I'm gonna make you fucking work for it I didn't recognize one name and it was kind of a I don't know it was like a moment of like yeah this is all changing in front of our face so it is what it is

yeah because they're a food and drink business. People are like, oh, they should put more comics. I'm like, no. They sell chicken wings. Yeah, they sell chicken wings. They want their servers to come home with a couple hundred bucks. Right. They don't want just comics who come in who are there for the craft. That's not their shit. Yeah, they're not going to be like, you know, I made

$200 or less, but this guy's really in it for the right reasons. Yeah, they don't give a fuck about that. Did he push the drinks? Push the drinks. That's what it is. It's just push the drink. That's the one thing you'll see whenever you go to a club. The most soul-sucking thing is to read the host copy where it's like, make sure to

plug the drinks here, plug the drinks here, plugs the drinks here. Well, I've asked very politely, but also as somewhat of a demand that I was like, you can't play a video before I go on stage because I'm doing a little club run. Yeah demand that I was like, you can't play a video before I go on stage, because I'm doing a little club run, and I was like, you can't do a video before I go on stage, and I shotgun. I don't want the host to go back up.

No one's had a problem with it, but also, it's like, I want my show the way I want my show. I sold these tickets. I don't want them to have to watch a video about who might be coming in a month and a half, and then have a host go up and fill all this dead... This time that, to me, the thing I love the most about the store

is we shotgun. There is no host. You bring up the next guy. Like, have rock and roll play when people come in and then start the show. That's how I like it. I just, I don't know. Just start the show.

Like, the seller still does host. You know, they still have someone come back. I've always been a fan of bring up the next comic. I don't know why, but I just like it. Have you done the Stress Factory? They play America's Funniest Home Videos beforehand, and you're like, I'm not gonna beat fucking old guy. Getting kicked in the nuts? Getting kicked in the nuts?

Are you out of your mind? Yeah, that stuff drives me nuts. That's why I'm always like, please don't play the video. They don't need to be distracted from a thing that they're going to see by something else that doesn't exist here. It doesn't exist here. It's almost like, do you want to see, you know, it's like before an NBA game,

if they played a Globetrotters tape, you know, against the generals, and you're like, this is, why are you showing them this? Or they're playing like, it's somebody like,

they're playing the best thing. It's like Chris Kattan's coming up, and they're playing like the, the mango sketch. The one everybody loves. Yeah, right. The one thing. They're not even going to fucking see that next week.

You know? Yeah, that's not going to be here. So next week. You know, that's not going to be here. So stop showing them that something very different is going to be here. When you go on the road, do you take somebody or no? Um, I have a couple of people that I, I, uh, I, I take, but I can't like, dude, I can't like, dude, I'm still making like low tier headliner money. Like that's why I'm on here, baby. Book me, baby. Book him, baby.

But, uh, but like, you know, if I, I think I'd be more comfortable. I could really take care of people more. Um, but yeah, it's like,

you know, it's funny cause I'll headline some and then I've been opening, I opened for Dan sometimes, Dan Soder, great guy. I love that guy. Uh, greatest guy.

Um, but, uh, yeah, and it's, um, it's, I,

I, I do like bringing people, but I, I, I kind of want to, I want to get to the point, you know, either next year or the year where I'm getting paid enough where I can fucking take care of the guy. I feel that, yeah. You know, instead of just being like, hey, hopefully you live off feature pay and chicken wings.

Free food. Free food. Hopefully you don't lose money on this trip, you know. Well, that was the thing. I talked to Segura about that a while ago, about how, like, when we started and we were doing host or feature spots yeah the pay was the same as it is now which is comical you're like it's the same money nothing changed i heard somebody who's like writing on something now and they're getting the same day rate and i was like what did we have the strike for dude i posted a picture the other day just for as a bit on my story that i got like a

i think it was at midnight uh and it was a residual and it was one cent. It was one cent. Oh my God. And I was like, uh, and then I wrote underneath it. Uh, I'm glad we had that strike finally paid off. One cent is just like, whoa, whoa. This is not worth the, literally not worth the paper it's printed on. Yeah. It's, it's embarrassing. So I just think like, uh, I think about that all the time. What was that strike for that though? Did we get the thing? Uh, I'm not sure. I think showrunners got richer well you've been on you've been on you've been a bunch of writing rooms i mean you've yes i've done a lot of those did you have you ever done the writing room thing or did you i've done like the pop in and then get the fuck out of there

yeah yeah the fun that's the fun get paid get paid and leave i never wanted to be like in the muck in the shit no way yeah egos i'm sure egos in those rooms like there's well you know it's like comedy dude you can spot pretenders a mile away for sure like i've worked with guys who are incredible like i worked with dan o'shannon or like jess dweck on a late night show and they're like you know again it's like jordan they're just coming up what was like like i've seen dan o'shannon come up with a whole story in front of me. But then I also have other guys that I've come with where I'm like, you are terrible. You snuck in.

You were good at the interview, and you are not fucking contributing a goddamn thing to the process. It's pretty impressive. When those people keep going through you, it's amazing. These are people making money. Oh, yeah, of course. These are people making money. I'll tell you exactly who I'm talking about after this so you know never to hire him. Perfect.

Perfect. But, yeah, dude, you can pretend in a way you can't. Because even with stand-up, it's like you're still like, okay, even if you suck, you're still either drawing tickets or you're killing. You know, like there's some reason that you're up there. Sure. But with a writer, you can kind of get away right with um not doing it completely yeah completely like like i've known i've known people who can't turn who can't turn in drafts who can't write a draft who somehow get you know like a producer who's who but the

showrunners don't see through that and they don't fire you or they can't fire you well it just depends some guys have a little bit of that have Have you ever seen the play or the movie Six Degrees of Separation? No. With Will Smith, where he's like a pretender in the art world, and he just knows how to talk to all these people. It's really good. He knows how to talk to these people, but really he's like a complete hustler. And there's a lot of guys like that.

That just have the gift. And now there's less jobs, so I think it happens less, but it still happens. Would you want to be staffed on another thing again or no? If it was a great show, for sure. Yeah, but what's a great show? Like comedy-wise, you see something like Righteous Gemstones. That's great, yeah. That's just something, I just pulled that out of my ass right now.

Or like F is for Family. I'm just thinking of the good like good ones just somebody just brought up as a family but you know what i would you know like i mean i'll take a job just for the money but would i prefer that i mean the thing you the dream is you want to be you know the helming your own ship man you want to be like of course your whole thing well we're all kind of doing we're all trying like that i watched um uh baby reindeer did you watch that series no i, it's your whole thing. Well, we're all kind of doing it. We're all trying it. Like that, I watched Baby Reindeer. Did you watch that series? No, I hear it's great. Wow, dude.

I hear it's like really disturbing. It's dark. Yeah, it's extremely dark. And it's by the guy who had the experience. Yeah. And it's just kind of, it's so truly his story that you're like, this is unmistakable. You couldn't fabricate this. It feels so organic. truly his story that you're like, this is unmistakable. You couldn't fabricate this. It's,

it's, it feels so organic. That's why I think people take to it because, um, it's not written for somebody else's voice. You know what I mean? Well, Gunn wrote all the piece,

Peacemaker or whatever. Yeah. Which was, which was great. That was like the best superhero thing I've ever seen. But he wrote all of them. He didn't have a room for it. That's fucking nuts.

All eight episodes. The balls to do that too. And it was great. To be like, I'll do it. Get out of here of here yeah but you had someone crack story and then i'm sure helped i don't think he did nothing i don't think he did see that kind of stuff that's where i go oh i'm not talented at all when i hear that stuff i'm like oh never mind well he's like like one of the very best yeah yeah i mean but you know what he'll have a thing where he's like he's just made a bunch of great shit, and then he'll have

his Black Adam, and then it'll be... He'll do his Garfield movie. That's why stand-up's so great, dude. It's like, they can't take this fucking thing away from you. This is the equalizer, for sure. You can go back to it, and the proof has to be your ability. But you're great on Dave,

and how many shows before that where it was like, oh, this season, this season I'm gone and the reason you were still in the convo is because of stand-up. Yeah, because they know

that you have the work ethic and the ability and the skill set. It's just sometimes it doesn't play out. Well, also,

everyone forgets about everybody so they're like, oh, Santino's still doing, oh, he's doing a set at the store.

Oh, oh yeah, that guy's good. Yeah. You know, like, and if you're an actor, fuck dude. I don't know how, well that, that to that that to me like that i don't know how they stay alive

if you're just like a an actor that that just like gets once in a while gigs i never understood that because they underpay people so much now i don't know how you could live on it you literally couldn't at least we can always go do shows yes you know you can always go do something yeah i can't go do like a a fucking fucking spot, an acting spot for the night. They can't just go like find a way to make it. How annoying would those shows be? The worst. Oh, in LA too?

Like you go to Burbank and somebody's doing a scene from Streetcar tonight. You got to buy two drinks to... Two? Oh, fuck. All right, I'll go see them. I can't think of a worse entertainment than actor, like, paying to watch actors do scenes all night. I would kill myself. I would kill myself.

Well, it's happening right now somewhere. Somewhere. Of course. Yeah, they're doing it somewhere. Of course they're doing it. Somebody's paying for a studio. Did you, when you were young, did you ever like plays? Did you like theater?

I was, yeah. My dad's a playwright, dude. My dad just had. But did you hate it a little bit because of that or no? no I did like it I liked it more now I haven't seen a play in forever now like the last

what was the last thing I saw? The Ferryman which was on Broadway which was amazing it was this old Irish play where everybody fucking dies at the end it's great get out of town you won't believe it the Irish all die well they don't all die, but it's like the most Irish play

you're ever going to see. It's great, but it's the most Irish dark, like funny and dark. But yeah, I still, I mean, and then I would get sick of it. It just depends. It's like, there's good and bad, you know?

Yeah. It does suck when you're at a shitty musical and it's like three acts. You're like, ah, fuck. Do you've never left? I have. Yeah, you have to. For sure. I've left movies left movies too oh i've left so many movies plenty of movies i don't know why i've left so many movies lately more and more now i feel like i've you know what i left i was in a mood where i was like let's go see a fucking shoot him up like a fun john wick the newest john wick

and i walked out within six minutes i like i like john John Wick but it was fucking like four hours didn't even get there I just the first six minutes were so like a little too much for some reason I was in a mood and I was like

let's just go eat food and then we left and went back to the house it was you and the wife yeah I was like fuck this that was great I was like

let's go see a fun shoot em up disappear in the mind don't even have to think about it film it's like a mindless entertainment it's a great thing

about being in a comfortable marriage you don't have to do that like fake like let's go to a museum shit right dude but sometimes it bites you in the ass like have to do that fake, like, let's go to the museum shit. Right, dude. But sometimes it bites you in the ass.

Because me and my wife were like, oh, let's just stay. We had tickets to see The Killers. And we're like, oh, let's just stay in. You got over that, huh? And then we wake up the next morning and we're like, Bruce Springsteen joins The Killers on stage. Fuck. And then, of course, the first person I talk to is Ari.

He's like, why would you do that? Why would you do that why would you do that it's the killers of the greatest band ever oh my god you're gonna regret that for the rest of your life you know

I don't know about the greatest band ever Ari but yeah they're a pretty good band they're a good band love that guy no but I bailed on stuff where I think

maybe it's just an age thing too you're tired and you're like I don't feel like doing that shit I've done enough I'm just busy if you're busy you just kind of get over those

like dude one time we went to go see I don't know if you know the band The National, if you ever heard of those guys. I love The National. I saw them here. So my wife and I have been seeing them for years.

Yeah. They played a hotel cafe show, a little tiny, like, you know, 80-seater. That's the first time we saw them years ago. And then they opened for REM at the Hollywood Bowl. In the ensuing year, they headlined the bowl, which was awesome to see. But they were opening for REM, and my wife hates REM so fucking much that we paid really good money, good tickets, just to see the National, and then we left.

Yeah, then we went to a restaurant and got something to eat. I don't think, you know, I would be so much more excited to see the National at REM. Oh, for sure. But the bummer was, you know, they have worse sound, which always sucks about openers. they're yeah they're figuring it out yeah they have they have the sound is not tuned in for them yet and then the sun was setting still so it was like still kind of always a weird glaring yeah it sucked and then when they were done i was like well should we stay for like one rem song she was like no she fucking was like

absolutely not i was like you gotta be in the traffic you gotta get out of there yeah we wanted to get the fuck out. Yeah. But we've done the bailout on stuff that I'm like, we should have gone. Like, I had tickets to go to a fucking Laker playoff game, but we were moving, so we couldn't make it work. And I thought, we should have just fucking gone to that.

They were, like, really good seats. They were, like, almost on the floor. Yeah, but did they win or lose? They lost, yeah. Fuck them. There was the Nuggets series? Yeah. Yeah, but did they win or lose? They lost, yeah. Fuck them. The Nuggets series? Yeah. That wasn't worth seeing. No, not at all. That series was a wrap.

Who do you attach yourself to sports-wise? New York Giants, because I'm from Rutherford, New Jersey. Basketball's a little weird, because I used to be a Nets fan when they were in Jersey, but then they moved to Brooklyn, and I'm like, well, this isn't my fucking team anymore. But you're not a Knicks guy? So I'm not. No, I'm a Lakers guy.

I was like, fuck it. You guys move to fucking Brooklyn, I'm going to go. I'm going to go across the country. Yeah, I'm going to join. I'll go join the guys that move from Minnesota. Yeah, I'm going to do that. I'm going to do that. That is an interesting twist.

Who's your teams again? All Chicago. All Chicago. But it's hard because it's painful to even talk about it all the time because we're always on the hopeful. When was the last time you guys won Cubs? Well, we won in 2016. Yes.

That was huge. But prior to that, it was 100 fucking years. Yeah, well, I mean, besides the Bulls, just destroying. Greatest team of all time. But again, we can't seem to get right. Hopefully the Barrels will do something this year. I don't know. I keep talking about it.

If you're a Chicago fan and you just saw that, if you were a Chicago Bulls fan from Chicago, the rest of your life as a sports fan, it's so unrealistic after that. I don't mind if the Bulls never get good in my lifetime after what I already lived through as a kid. So if we had it again, I'd be like this. It's almost the way that the Lakers have been blessed with just an unbelievable dynasty for so long.

Yeah. They don't know what shit is. I mean, they do, but not the way that so many other cities know. No, and they seem like they always figure out a way to, like, rebuild. Well, quick, because it's one of the best markets. They're going to struggle. I think they're going to struggle the next couple of years. When Brown is gone, it'll be a different world.

Yeah. But also, the markets are always going to win, like L.A. People always want to play in L.A. Yeah. It's the fucking spot. Every athlete I know in their offseason, they play here. Are you friends with any athletes? A pretty fair amount of athletes, oddly enough.

That's pretty sweet, dude. Retired, too, which is also great because they all like to golf, and I'm a golfer. So I meet a million retired athletes through golf because that's all they want to do. Once they're done, they're like, I don't want to— to have some great jordan stories you can't talk i got a bunch of good stories yeah you're not allowed to talk about but it's just great because they all that's all they want to do because they've spent their whole life in the gym and going to practice and when they're done they're like i want to have a drink have a cigarette or a cigar and just walk and they get like when you're on the golf course they get like really competitive with you

or yeah but but there's only so many of them are good at golf because, like, when you're on the golf course, they get, like, really competitive with you? Yeah, but there's only so many of them are good at golf, because they're so good at something else. You're very good, right? I'm pretty good, yeah. You're pretty good. I'm not anything special, but I'm better than the average guy. But have you, like, okay, have you played golf with somebody who was, like, an insane, like, basketball

or football player, but you're better at golf? Oh, yeah. And you can tell they're pissed off? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's gotta feel fucking great, dude. I'll say it here, the last couple times you can tell they're pissed off. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's got to feel fucking great, dude. I'll say it here. The last couple times I played Pat Mahomes, I beat Pat both times. So that's right, Pat. You know it, baby. You beat Patrick Mahomes at golf.

Yeah, twice. Yeah, twice. Yeah, twice. Because that guy, you could just tell he gets so pissed. You could tell that guy can't enjoy playing fucking go fish. No, but he's a good buddy. He's so much fun. He's going to win forever, dude. That guy can't enjoy playing fucking go fish. No, but he's a good buddy. He's so much fun. He's going to win forever, dude.

But I did just beat him by one the last time we played, and he was livid about that. Did not like that. By one fucking drove him nuts. You know what I mean? If I beat him by four strokes, five strokes, whatever. By one is such a painful way to lose. Oh, that's great, though. That's like an athlete's nightmare.

You beat the fucking Super Bowl MVP at an athletic contest. I know. Golf is a great equalizer. That's amazing, dude. Golf is the only thing that you can be a world-class athlete and someone,

some schmuck, some couch potato can beat you. John Daly, right? The king. Like, if you, that's what I said, if somebody's like,

well, if there's one sport you could be great at, what would it be? I'm like, golf. Of course, golf. Yeah, it's so fun. I can do it until I'm 70. I'm not going to get fucking CTE.

Fuck it. That's amazing, though. Although one dude who was playing in this group near us, I saw get hit in the head with a ball. He go down? Yeah, and you have a moment where you're like, that could have been any of us. That's so fucking scary. Just a little rock hurtling through the sky slam yeah it's a bad idea but it's great well i mean i i sometimes like

for whatever reason on my instagram discover like it was a week of people who got hit in the face with like fastballs you ever had that in instagram summer it's like a week of like amputees and spiders like you're like what fucking nightmare factory is happening? What did I say one night? What did I say one night? That's what it really is. That's what it is. Here's you waking up in the middle of the night

talking to your wife about a weird dream you had and then it just starts logging it in that fucking thing. Jesus Christ, what a fucking dystopian. What are you doing now? Are you taking a break

from stand-up or are you touring heavy again? No. I can't take a break. But you just put up a special. Do you have a new hour already? I'm fucking 30 minutes in. Wow.

25 minutes in. I mean, I got to, you know, 25 minutes in, I'll say. So, like, hopefully, I don't know when this is coming out, but, like, you know, like 70% will be new if you see me. Do you do stuff from the special that's out or no, you don't touch it? I try not, like, the last one I tried not to and then I did, like, 10 minutes from the special and then 30 minutes from, you don't touch it? I try not. Like the last one I tried not to and then I did like 10 minutes from the special and then 30 minutes from. People don't understand how hard it is, man. It's hard, man. I mean like look, there's some people.

I was fucking – I remember I was opening for Michelle Wolf and she was filming her special and she had two separate hours that she was bouncing. I was like that's – Wow. I cannot fathom that. wow i cannot fathom that you know like but but i mean it's it's it's it's cool when i get to like if i open for soda then it's like 20 minutes so i have like all right i have no excuse to do anything that's ever been on tv you just have to kill for 20 minutes i just have to kill for 20 minutes and if i if i do anything that was on tv fuck you yeah like for like that's i'm like kind of but yeah man it's hard to build up new shit you know are you you so you're starting again you're starting a new i have uh i have a i have an hour that i'm

presenting that is probably i'm so close to it being carved out the way i want it to but it's great but i'm still removing stuff and putting in new stuff and so you're pretty going on this you're not really you're you're not you're more trimming on this next tour i'm just like learning how to place and puzzle it the way that I want to do it. And then removing stuff that I've got sick of at this point. Cause it's been six months of it where I'm like, I didn't even like that that much. That's got to go. Yeah. I'm kind of cleaning off all the fucking fat, but that's the thing that sucks about being in a room though, man, you have, you have a hard time writing standup because you're using all that. And that mental energy.

Yeah. That's tough. That's the thing that sucks. And if you take something from the room from those things, you feel weird about it. When you're like, I can't. Yeah. And I have before because I'm like, oh, they're not using this and this was my idea, you know. But, yeah, it's just, you know, you only have so much creative energy, dude.

Yeah, your brain runs out. So, like, you know, a couple hours, you know, like, I really think we only have, like, at most four hours of creative energy a day where you can come up that's a lot i feel like there's a lot that's the max like the rest of it's just emails you know right right right at some point it's just business uh it's business correspondence that's the rest of your fucking day yeah yeah for the rest of it it's like making sure that's the studio thing we talked about i wish we had a if we had a comedian, like imagine where you could just create for a week or two straight without thinking about all the other bullshit and just write with

other people. I bet you we'd put together something fucking awesome. If you just didn't have to think about the outside thing, you know, the organization of life. I wonder that like a bunch of standups together, it's it's hard because we're all on our own like yeah but i i work with i'm it's different because i've wore i work with a lot of stand-ups i read with a lot of stamps but like if you took the best like if you put chappelle like like chappelle louis and uh you know i'm trying to think of burr burr in a room and they were like

okay write a script together guys You think it would be good? Yeah. You do? Yeah, I do. I wonder if they would figure it out. Dave would be pontificating in the corner, smoking a lot and just adding little beautiful droplets to it. Yeah, yeah.

I'm sure Louis and Burr would be writing it back and forth and back and forth. Right. Yeah, it would probably be great. Yeah, I'm sure it would be so good. I don't know why it would be. I don't know why I didn't think. It would be so good.

It would be so good. probably yeah i'm sure it'd be so good it'd be so good it would be so i think it's only it's also because a lot of those guys uh of that generation like especially those guys are like i think arguably are in like our mental prime you know like yeah performance wise is whenever they feel like putting out some cool thing is we're hitting i'm hitting 40 you're you're 40 that's like when that's like our fucking this is the cusp. This is like way 20s as a basketball player. Yeah, it's cool. You know what I mean? This is like supposed to be when we're...

When you're humming, really. When you're humming, yeah, for sure. Because, yeah, when you get in the league and you first get in, it's exciting, but then you realize how little you are truly in the machine until you get a little older, then you're like, oh, right.

I thought that was it. That was not it at all. That's not it. That was when you're like oh right i thought that was it that was not that's not it that move that was when you're like living and dying by those bits right now you get a little more freedom when you're when if you heard someone had a bit similar to yours you would lose your fucking mind about it and now you're like whatever like you're like oh what's their take right that's exactly well once everyone's been done fitzsimmons and i had a fucking similar joke years ago and i remember i went up to him and I was like, Fitz, because we're good buddies. And I said, I think we've got something that kind of is near each other. And he goes, really?

I go, yeah. And he goes, who does it better? And I was like. That's such a Fitzsimmons response. I go, well, yours is much more, you know, it's much more peeled out. Like mine's pretty fresh. And he goes, I'll keep doing it then. I was like, you know, it's much more peeled out. Like, mine's pretty fresh. And he goes, I'll keep doing it then. Fucking dickhead.

I was like, all right. Well, he has, I love Fitzsimmons. He told me this one story where, I guess, like, he came up with a bit, and then there was a much bigger comic, who I'm not going to name, who came up with a similar bit, was doing it after Greg. And then Greg saw it it and he's like hey man i really uh that's my bit that's my bit and the guy goes well i'm fucking i'm doing on a special in two weeks and greg goes okay next day he goes to the laugh factory he tapes that bit to put it

online just to spite the fucking guy it's like it's great i mean greg has so many those greg is like doesn't take shit from i haven't seen that guy in forever. He was like the first half hour I loved where I watched. But when I was on his podcast, he showed me this video when he was on the radio show where I guess this guy was one of his bosses was bullying the guy who was under Greg. And you see Greg just take his glasses off, go up and just pop the guy. And the guy's towering over him. Yeah, he doesn't give a shit. No, he doesn't give a fuck.

No, he's a tough motherfucker. He's like the angriest, funniest Irish guy ever. Yeah, he's perfect. Well, his response was exactly what I learned when I see how young comics are with stuff. I go, oh, that's the way to do it. Just to be like, is yours good yet? I mean, I'm going to keep doing it. There is no theft there.

It's just like we have a parallel thought. There's only one time where I was like, that guy stole that bit from me. Because the premise and the punchline matched. And when I brought it up, he was like, oh, I guess we'll both keep doing it. And I could tell with his voice. I was like, I know the show you saw me at,

LA downtown. You know exactly where it is, dude. I know exactly where it is. And ever since then, I fucking can't say. Well, that was always like a couple of older guys. They would bring around guys to punch up their shit. Yeah. And then sometimes those guys would stay after and watch other comics.

And I would always be like, get this guy the fuck out of here. Right, get him out of here. You write for that guy. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, what are you doing here? Well, they're looking for influence, 100%. They're looking for a crumb to come out of a comic and then take it for that guy. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, what are you doing here? Well, they're looking for influence, 100%. They're looking for a crumb to come out of a comic and then take it for something else.

Well, you're still at the thing where it's like you've done, because your next stage is going to be like famous, famous. Or kill myself. Or kill yourself, right? But then once you get famous, famous, the amount of bits that you can do, it gets chopped by like 70%. I know, right? Because then it turns into like, I was doing, oh you can do it's it's already it gets chopped by like 70 i know right because then it turns into like i was you know i was doing oh my god it's crazy like

all those like you ever had to refuel your private jet yeah yeah in the bahamas yeah it's like it was crazy i met this person at the oscars it was crazy you know every bit is like it was crazy that is funny it does turn into that i feel like i don't have that in me to go in buy into the drink the kool-aid that much because i've been surrounded by it enough but it doesn't really interest me in a way where i can see you getting people getting lost in it right like i can see guys getting lost in it i like i i like that i can see it but i don't know if that's a life that i even would even be i don't want to go that. If I can stay doing what I do now for the rest of my career, this feels fucking great.

This is great. Yeah. You're in the perfect place. Cause no one, everyone likes you down. Well, yeah, well they do.

No, they hate me, but it's also like, you're not, you're not oversaturated yet. Right. Which is what inevitably, and then if,

if you, if you do keep them saturated, but then you do the thing where like Kevin Hart does, where he's just bypassed all the saturation, not care, and then and then it is what it is he was so oversaturated that he was like i don't give a shit i'll just keep playing arenas until you know something because i'm writing i'm writing for um nikki glazer for this tom brady roast that's coming out oh yeah when is that when is that that's they're filming it this sunday i don't don't know when this episode will probably be already out by the time this comes out but uh let's come on i was just

like looking at Kevin Hart quotes, and I'm like, you're talking like you're Steve Jobs. Not even like you're a cop. It's like, I'm a bad empire. It's like shit like that. What are you talking about, man? What are you talking about? We get it.

You're very successful. I think because some people get so successful, the only way for them to justify how crazy this is is to either become super religious or really promote the world of, like, business. What if you became super religious, dude?

Me? Yeah. I might switch. You, like, just fucking hanging out with, like, Mel and Shia LaBeouf in, like, some monastery where Opus Dei,

you have, like, it's carving in your ankle. My ankles, yeah. Yeah, just, like, fucking, oh, just angry. Did you have that as a kid? Were you religious as a kid? Did you go to church? No, I went to Presbyterian. My ankles, yeah. Yeah, just like fucking, oh, just angry. Did you have that as a kid? Were you religious as a kid? Did you go to church?

No, Presbyterian. We went to church. I like volunteered. We did Presbyterian. Yeah, which is like, you know. It's Catholic light. Yes, Catholic light. But I did a missionary trip.

I like went to Nicaragua to like build houses, which they didn't need us at all. We did that. We did, what was it called? Go and surf. That's what was it called? Go and surf. That's what they called it. Go and surf.

Do you still go to church now or no? No, dude, but I'm not against it at all. I'm not against it. No, I think it's actually pretty rad if you find what you need out of it. I think so too. Yeah, I find what I need out of it in my way. Do you still believe in God? 100%.

Yeah, I still believe in God. I don't even know what it is. No, neither do I. But I do think that I'm- I think we're connected to something. 100%. I think if you've lived a little bit of life And you get

If you, by the way, if you get to 40 And you don't think you're connected at all I think you're fucking Well, you're dim If you think there's no connection Either dim or you've had a rough one Well, arguably Some people have the roughest ones

They find it to be More obvious that we're connected Yeah The truth of it all to me is that you you have no control you have almost no control absolutely no control so that's kind of the beauty right like if you've experienced that through sobriety too you do realize you're like oh this is fucking way out of my hands yes and i've also experienced that on drugs but yeah i i do wish you know the last time i went to church me and my wife went to a place in new

york and like we were really excited for it but then they started like talking about it like internet porn and i was like oh this at church this is like what is that you gotta stop what the pastor's like you gotta stop watching this internet porn and i was like you have a problem with internet yeah that's your thing now you're projecting it on all of us you're like i just want to i don't even like it that much here I just want to hear some New Testament shit, you know? Come on, dude. Tell me a story about a bush. I don't want to fucking hear about porno in the church.

That is the new thing with church, that they're trying to attract young people, so they have to stay on the cusp of culture. Yeah. That was kind of my, when I went back to church with my parents one time, when I was probably in my late 20s, I remember the preachers or whatever,

whatever they're called, not pastors or whatever, talking about new age shit. And I was like, no, dude, be old school. I don't need you to know what the word cap means. I don't need a preacher to be like, no cap, shit's lit. I don't need the language of that to come through. Do you follow that Instagram account, Preachers and Sneakers? No.

It's great. Not to save it. It's a modern, it's just a Instagram account Preachers and Sneakers? No. It's great. It's just like, it's a modern, it's just a guy. Preachers and Sneakers? It's a guy taking a picture of like a modern teacher and he just lists how much money the guy spent on this. These guys talking about like poverty, you're spending like thousands of dollars on their casual outfits.

Well, that's a new world. You have to be a entertainer and then part of an enterprise. I was talking about that earlier, about guys that are like, if you don't have your wealth spread around to a million different places, you're a fucking loser. They're trying to make people who just want to live feel bad about just living.

Yeah. Could you ever see, like,'s was there one religion like a scientology thing that you could see yourself falling for like probably not right now no not really i mean only because i had catholic when i was a kid and that one was so dark it was so dark it was dark yeah like my mom when my grandmother medieval when my mom got divorced from my dad who was going to prison my grandmother was like mad about it yeah my grandmother was like shunning her for it like you don't get divorced she's like he's a fucking drug addict in prison i'm gonna get divorced but it's like the church had inundated my my family so much that my

grandmother was like mad about it i mean obviously she regretted that years later right but she would she it was like my mom was meant to feel bad about trying to save her own life because there's just been like her mom got traumatized. And there was trauma and trauma and trauma. And the trauma just gets laced down until one generation goes, alright, can we fucking chill out with all this chaos? Well, they're in trouble.

The Catholic Church is like, you think studios are in trouble with sitcoms? The Catholic Church is really in trouble. They need a new multicam hit on their head. They need a Chuck Lorre real quick. The Catholic church. The Big Bang Theory.

Chuck Lorre needs to do that for the church. Presented by the Catholic church. I heard the craziest... Somebody told me to work with Chuck Lorre. Heard the story about him. I never met the guy. I haven't either. I don't know if you want to work with him. No, tell the story. Apparently he was never met the guy. I haven't either. I don't know if you want to work with him, so I don't know if I can tell you. No, no, no, tell the story.

But this is like the darkest story. Apparently he was on set at Mike and Molly, and he was watching... Internet porn? No, like it was a cadaver. It was like, because one of the characters was like a mortician. I think the girl that was on East Bonadown or whatever.

And he goes, that corpse looks just like my mother. If me and my sister still talked, I would take a picture, send it to her, and it would make her day. Oh, my God. That's so dark. One of the biggest comedy creators is just a haunted house inside. You're like, oh, man, don't open that room. Don't open that room.

That's so wild to think. It is weird. I talked to someone else about that, about people they don't talk to in their family anymore. A good friend of mine, him and his sister don't speak. Yeah. And I'm like, how long does that game go on? Me and my sister aren't talking right now.

You don't talk at all? We're not talking right now. We're kind of, we're in a bad spot. Really? But like, hopefully. But is there light in the end of the tunnel? Maybe. Will this be resolved?

Maybe. Or does this feel like a fuck you forever thing? Maybe. I don't know. It's in the middle. I hope it's not you know i mean here's the thing is i'm not going to get into it because she doesn't have a platform to like defend herself defend herself so that's not fair but who knows man i mean it happens when you

get older you start like having schisms and shit do you have that within your family you know for me it's my and that's a it's a personal issue i have my lack of patience is awfully tough so sometimes um my parents don't you know they're such good people and they just don't like understand this thing sometimes yeah so when i try to explain some of the shortcomings of this or the troubles that i'm having it almost sounds like well your problems aren't real it's like you're fucking right you didn't go to prison you live in fantasy town you know what i mean yeah so that always creates a little bit of annoyance on my behalf but it's also because I don't have the patience to I'm not

I'm never going to be able to teach you how to ski I have zero fucking patience my whole life I've always been like so you just don't like was there anything that you've done that your parents were like oh shit they've been proud but it's also like this doesn't mean it doesn't mean anything to them.

This is like, they're happy that I'm happy. They just want me to be happy, but this thing is very disconnected. My family's fucking all from Chicago. This world is weird. It's a fucking, it makes no sense. And they believe a lot of it. Well, my dad was in this, but yeah, for the most part, it's like. But your family has a connection to it.

No, it's like, but your family has a connection to it no it's like it i couldn't imagine i mean i i think it's so ballsy to do what you what you and other guys have done where it's like it wasn't in your family and you're like i'm just gonna try this shit yeah it was very stupid if i'm being honest probably the dumbest thing i've done but it paid off yeah it did okay yeah yeah but it also feels trust me i can give you a list of people who was stupid but uh but the hard thing is uh i guess yeah explaining this to people who kind of think it's kind of bullshit it's bullshit like yeah like my grandmother said uh before she passed away this was one of my favorite things i had like done television i'd been on and my grandmother

said to my mom one time how is andrew doing in california and she's like great and she goes um do you when do you think he's going to be able to get a job? And she's like, do you mean like another TV thing? And she's like, no, but at some point he'll have to get a real job.

You know what I mean? At this point, I was making money doing TV. Yeah, my mom, my dad is very supportive of my mom, did not fucking,

could not do that shit. Yeah. Would not impress by anything. Like, I would be like, I remember, you know, like, big things would happen. I wrote for, like, the White House Correspondents Journal and Michelle Wolf. We basically burned DC down, you know? Yeah, it's great.

And my wife, yeah, it was really fun. My wife, Jesus, that was a horrible 40s slip. And my mom was just kind of like, yeah, why was she, I don't know. Why was she so mean? Like, didn't, like, realize the gravity of, like, I'm like, I don't know. Why was she so mean? Like, didn't, like, realize the gravity of, like, I'm like, this is like the White House, like, everyone's going to remember this forever. Forever. Like, this is the biggest White House. That's the purpose of it.

But she's like, why was she mean? You know, and you're just like, but that was, my mom also was, like, very insecure, so she would, you know. But those things, that's kind of the same comment when someone goes, you know who I like? And you're like, I don't fucking want to hear it. Right. Dude, when I was in rehab, I got out of rehab

in December, second time. And, you know, I showed my special to them because they were asking. They found out I was a comic. And they were like, oh, you did this? You did Conan? Or not Conan, like Comedy Central? Whatever was big for them.

And then so they wanted to see the special. Did okay for them. Like, it got last but then like right afterwards somebody's like dude have you seen matt rife like so you're all matt rife you lasted another two weeks in rehab you're like i need to stick around relapse what was my trigger hearing you guys talking about fucking how more successful matt rife is it is funny to think a guy would say that because i know his audience is mostly women dude it's not he's not just mostly

I guess he's making money on top of money oh yeah I mean he's selling out arenas when I was there the young kids it was in rehab it was him Schultz and then Shane who was terrific what was your drug of choice by the way

booze to coke but I was also addicted to pills so those are the worst those are the three pills will fuck you up the most benzos are you know my friend who kicked heroin said you know kicking xanax was way worse than kicking when i kicked xanax i went to a detox and it was the most physical pain i've ever gone through like that next week like i thought it was right when covid was starting we just heard inklings of covid and i thought that i was getting covid and dying because my chest felt like it was right when COVID was starting. We just heard inklings of COVID. And I thought that I was getting COVID and dying because my chest felt like it was caving in. But that was just...

And that's the only one, that and alcohol are the only ones you can die from. You can kick heroin, you're not gonna die. But benzos, booze, you could die. Just from the withdrawal? Yes, you have to taper off. You have to taper off. That's fucking crazy. Xanax, how many were you taking?

I was taking like six a day. That's a fucking lot. Yeah, it was a lot, but I know some people were like taking twice that. Well, it's never a competition. That is always so funny, but when you hear an addict, someone that's like,

I think I heard a Dax Shepard thing where he's like, I drank six bottles of this and that. There is some sort of big fish theory that happens with addicts where you're like, you can't believe how many pills I had. It's like, I kind of don't, if I'm being honest, because sometimes these stories are fucking

absurd. Yeah, for sure. Like 48 Xanny bars a day. And you're like, you. And also Dax Shepard. Come on. When Kurt Angle tells me he was having like 40 pills for his broken neck, I'm like, all right, I believe that.

Right. Those things kind of line up. Yeah, those guys. Well, dude, everyone that wrestled in the 90s. Oh. Well, dude, everyone that wrestled in the 90s. Oh, my God, dude. Everyone that wrestled in the 90s. The fact that anybody lived through that is fucking absurd. They were all addicted to everything they could.

It wasn't like a pick and choose. It was like you had to take everything. That's the only reason you could keep functioning. Yeah, I mean, multiple times wrestlers would be like, all right, what is it? He goes, let's see. We'll find out. We'll find out.

Fuck, that's so dark. I found a pill. Let's check it out. See ya. That shit always scares me. I knew guys in college I used to party with would take anything. Did you ever have a thing or you've been okay? Booze has always been my romantic.

But you've never had like a, well, you've probably had moments where you're like, I think this is too much right now. Booze, yeah. Yeah. Drugs, no. I smoked weed for like 20 years of my life and i still like to smoke a joint once in a while but yeah that was i smoked that i was a fucking pothead for so long and then yeah i think when i got here to la a i couldn't afford it yeah anymore and b i didn't i was i was too focused on trying to get

up that i was like if i keep smoking pot man i'm never gonna go get up. That I was like, if I keep smoking pot, man, I'm never going to go get up. Yeah, but weed's insidious. Because I was addicted to that for a couple of years. I mean, addicted is a hard term because you physically can't get addicted. But I was smoking weed constantly. I was smoking multiple joints a day and then having a 100 milligram edible to get to bed. You know what I mean? Right.

And it gets to the point where you're under the covers being like, I'm scared. And I'm like, this is fun. You're 36. I hate that. I hate that feeling of like, I'm so high. My brain is giving up where it's like, I don't want to do this anymore. You go, you go in the corner. Yeah. You can't, you can't like finish a documentary. Like it's too much for you. It's too heavy. Too much story yeah so much story going i was watching a bravo show with my wife hot high and i was like i can't it's like vanderpump rules and i'm like this is too much for me and i went and i passed out why is she mad at her why is she mad at her uh well listen dude i appreciate you coming on the show thanks for having me on man

so everyone go watch uh this special it's available right now on youtube yes dance fatty dance it's on youtube it's free. And if you like wrestling, I have a wrestling podcast, Working Stiff. So check that out. Go check those out. The links will be in the description down below. We end the show the same way. Look at that camera right there.

You do one word or one phrase to end the episode, and it will be cemented in history. One word or one phrase, whenever you're ready. We're always glad you came. That's so good. Let me you came. That's so good. Let me kill this. That's so good. In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey.

Whiskey. Whiskey. Whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.