Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Doug Stanhope

Episode Date: October 30, 2020

Santino sits down with Doug Stanhope to chat about how Portland strip clubs are like going to baseball games, falling in love with Michigan and the small towns there, and how Doug believes how important it is for a comic to have a unique look like the thrift store suit king he is. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! DHM DETOX - Feel healthy after a night of boozin Take two pills before you drink to make the next day a breeze https://nodayswasted.co/whiskey Use promo code WHISKEY for 20% OFF Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY THE AMAZING WHISKEY GINGER TEAM JENNA SUNDE https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday/ JOE FARIA https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria Y&S https://www.instagram.com/youngandsick/ Intro Music by Rocom: https://www.youtube.com/user/RocomTelevision Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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My guest is Doug Stanhope. I love Doug. I've been a fan for a very long time. We have a couple of drinks and chat about all sorts of fun stuff. This dude is one of my favorite humans to exist, let alone comedians. He is incredible. So I'm really happy about this episode that I got to sit down and chat with Doug over a couple of drinks

and a half pack of cigs on his end. Look, if you're looking to find out where I'm going, I don't know what to tell you. We're trying to figure it out during these crazy times. AndrewSantino.com is going to have the information that you might need to know about where I'm touring. And if I'm not touring anymore, it's because of the city.

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Anyway, whatever. Grab a drink. Fill up. Enjoy the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the whore. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today.

It's Doug Stanhope. Doug, hey. Hello. What's up? Nice to finally meet you, sir. Yes, nice to meet you via the internet due to the COVID issues. What are you sipping on, by the way? I should cheers you right away.

Cheers. Yes, I didn't know the whiskey ginger, or I would have had her pour me a whiskey ginger. That's all right. What did you have? Vodka, soda, splash of grapefruit. Is that the go-to now? Yeah, standard. Yeah.

As time has gone on, because you're a big drinker, I'm a big drinker, I've changed what my standard drink was. But whiskey has always been my thing. but I like, I never had a vodka phase. Did you have like a whiskey phase or? No, I was, I was always a beer and a shot guy. Right. But I always beer, shitty beer, Miller light guy, my whole career. And then I quit smoking in 2008. Yeah.

And I got really fucking fat. 2008. I got really fucking fat. I thought maybe if I switched beer for a vodka cranberry, not knowing that that has three times as much fucking sugar in it.

It's pure sugar. That's when I made the switch. I'd fucking love any kind of bar where they know how to make a drink that I couldn't make at home. Right. Like an old fashioned or. Right.

Makes me whiskey sours with egg whites, like proper. Oh, that's nice. Yeah. Yeah, that's the way to do it. So my Irish blood of alcoholic trains has been my grandfather was always a whiskey guy uh my parents same thing and my my grandpa drank um he drank manhattan's like and what he would do is he would because a lot of people didn't have sweet vermouth that was never like a thing that a lot of people just don't have it at their house so my grandfather would carry around this little tiny what looked like a

you know it looked like a tiny briefcase or a set of poker chips. I know exactly. I could probably show you the case. Yeah, and he would keep sweet vermouth in there, his whiskey, and a little thing of maraschino cherries. And he would take it with him, and he would call it his computer. He thought that was the best joke on earth. He was like, oh, it's my little computer. And everybody was like, no. We would find those in thrift stores from the 60s. Yeah thought it was, you know, he thought that was the best joke on earth. He was like, oh, it's my little computer. And everybody was like,

no. We would find those in thrift stores from the 60s. Yeah, it was awesome. Yeah, take them backstage with us.

It was, it's a perfect, it's a perfect thing for an alcoholic to like class up your problem. You know what I mean? It makes you look

a little bit, it's not as embarrassing as showing up with a bag all the time. But he loved that. Like he thought that was the coolest thing was showing up with your own shit. time. But he loved that. He thought that was the coolest thing was showing up with your own shit.

Because my grandfather was always big on you have to show up with something. You had to show up and you had to bring some kind of booze for them. And then he always said, you should usually just give them booze you don't care about drinking because if you cared about what you brought,

you shouldn't give it out because someone's going to have it and then you're not going to fucking have it. So he was always like, bring your own shit and give them a thing for them. And it was a lesson I learned when I was like 12. And then now as an adult, you're like, the logic is perfect. Cause you, you did, if you do show up to somebody's house with something, it's gone.

You're fucked. You're like, what a waste. I shouldn't have, I really wanted to have that. I, uh, I have new neighbors that just moved in and actually a couple in the neighborhood where I go, I should give them like a bottle of wine or something. And you go, you can't really assume anyone drinks anymore. And the other thing was like Omaha steaks. Right. Great thing to send to people.

But yeah, they're probably fucking sober vegans. Right. Waste all this fucking money saying hello to a neighbor. Then you have to give them like Theo Vaughn, who's sober, brought over this non-alcoholic, I don't even know what this shit is called,

but it's de-alkalonized whiskey. And I got to tell you, dude, it tastes fucking atrocious. It's dog shit. It's such a far miss. It's such a miss. It's like they tried they tried so hard to like embody the flavors of whiskey but without the alcohol it's nothing

it's shit like beer has done a great job because beer is much simpler to make it's much easier to make non-alcoholic beer but to make non-alcoholic whiskey honestly it's impossible not drinking yeah i've gone on brief stints of not drinking when i was a beer drinker and fucking o'douls just yeah yeah just don't have it in your hand it's like having a microphone on stage it's right well you've done like all the specials that you've done everything that i you know and i've been a fan of yours for a long time and i've like all the almost every special you've ever done, you usually are drinking a beer. But for me, I'm not a big beer guy, but I do have beer on stage during shows

because it's an easy sipping thing. I used to bring up whiskey when I first started touring. And I was, I could, I was feeling it by like the third, fourth year on the road where I was like, well, I'm ripping seven or eight of these things a night just because of this on stage, doing two shows back to back. And then I I was like, well, I'm ripping seven or eight of these things a night just because of this on stage, you know, doing two shows back to back. And then I was just like, I can't keep drinking that much whiskey every night.

It's just too easy. So for me, now I do beer on stage. It tempers my drinking, you know, my drinking habits. It's too easy. I like the cocktail straw. I always pack my suit jacket with cocktail straws. Right. For stage purposes.

For stage. Yeah, right. So look, you're out in Bisbee. When I had heard that you had moved down there, obviously we've never met in the real world, but I do want to give you a little bit of props. I think you are, arguably is what you have to say, or what is it? Uh, I'm accusing you of being one of the best standups of, of our generation,

of those that are alive right now. Uh, whether or not I'm, I'm right or wrong doesn't matter to me because I feel that way. And you've always kind of lived to me this, um, this like true comics, comics life, which I know it sounds cheesy but you took off you know you lived in west you lived in west hollywood you lived in you lived in la but you lived in west hollywood i started in vegas right doing open mics not knowing that nobody starts there right and then uh and i moved to phoenix and i get a gig as a house mc at a failing club but i get to be on stage you know for all those shows every week and then i just started living out of my car till i moved to three years till i moved to

la in 2005 was the reason for you going back to to arizona was it because of your stint in phoenix i'm sorry 1995 so i forget to say I'm a little bit really high. Okay, good. That's good. That's good, dude. When you went back to Arizona, was that because you lived here for a short amount of time and it made you fall in love? I just

went to Phoenix for a minute because I fell in love with a girl which always begs the question, as a drinker, have you made more embarrassing mistakes over love or over alcohol? Well, they're one and the same usually for us. For people that drink a lot, that typically tends to overlap, right? Like how many relationships did you get into because of alcohol or with alcohol?

You know what I mean? Like the trappings of that you're like, I say that, I say that about Phoenix because I went to school. I went to Arizona state and I have this thing in my heart for Arizona that I try to explain to people, but they don't really understand it because the desert has this. I wish I was smart enough to articulate it. The desert has this thing that pulls you to it for some reason.

Once you've lived there, it's, it's, it's a sweet stink of death. Yes, man. It's beautiful. It tastes really good, but it's all death. I think the stillness is amazing. Something about getting drunk in the desert when it's a summer night and it's so still, it feels like the earth isn't even fucking spinning when you're drinking outside and hanging out outside in the desert air at night i can't explain it there's something that it did to me that i never felt any other time in my life i'm from chicago and i lived you know there in phoenix

and then i lived here now in california and something about that just i don't know there's something about arizona so i'm drinking in arizona and i'm picturing your vision as way better my version right is probably better than the real than the real version well what do they say i'm seeing the purplish skies sir wedding on a cactus and right well we used to get we used to get high on mushrooms and sit on my uh we used to my buddy's old house his roof and watch heat lightning storms. You ever watch, like when you, I'd sit outside and watch those. I fucking love them. Yeah, yeah. I remember going through a field of them on the road going to El Paso.

Yeah. It was just, it was like strobe lights. It just, I don't know. There's something about, I've always said this to friends and family. I think at some point I just just i do want to spend another small time in the desert because i do love it i don't know why like what drew you to bisbee why did you go why did you end up going down there i i had time off between gigs in phoenix and el paso i had three days to kill so i was just taking back roads and seeing what was around and found

this place and it's just fucking amazing yeah so i just kept coming back anytime i was coming in and out of la on the road i'd always stop here for a day or two now do you do you go down you're so close to mexico do you go down to mexico or you don't fuck with that no there's nothing you need down there right i'm not the town is across from us is like you know 3 000 people it's tiny right uh so it's not like you're afraid for your life like i would be at most other border crossings but it's still no reason to go i the the kids here they not my actual kids my producer and his wife the chalice right uh they go down for lunch, but I don't like risking that fucking knuckle in what's supposed to just be meat.

Right, right. Yeah, it's not worth, it seems to be not worth it. I mean, like we used to. I like somewhat authentic Mexican food. You like Mexican food cooked by maybe some white guys, like a few white guys could cook it.

Yeah, I'm fine with that. And I want my Italian food cooked cooked by mexicans that's the only way i'll have it you know um now with all this shit going on are you hunkering down in arizona are you getting out on the road no i'm i'm right here all the time i fucking. Yep. Do you feel like going back out at all or no? I did the math and I realized I haven't slept in the same bed for a year since I was 15 or 17 years old. Holy shit. So it's like it's having a whole new experience of actually being a homeowner, guy, neighbor that buys shit for the neighborhood. I'm that guy. I walk my dogs twice a day. Did you put up Halloween decorations?

Is that the guy you're becoming? Are you becoming a true suburbanite? No, but Tracy and Chaley, his twin brother, they have a haunted house business. They make all the fucking realistic real doll dead people and shit like that oh that's awesome uh so they always do a free haunted house they make up the lot behind us into this big free haunted house and uh this year they can't do it oh uh yeah you know like all the shit like the people in town have no idea they just put up flyers free fucking haunted house they have no idea the

fucking dollar amounts of this shit like you would think that was a dead body if it was just laying there right i've seen those i've gone to those houses the prop houses where they make all that stuff and the artistic ability of those people is super underappreciated i mean that the stuff they're able to do it would blow the average person's fucking mind, but they just don't know how. Go to listeners, go to ghostride.com or is it ghostride productions? It's ghostride productions. Ghostride. Go to ghostride productions.

Yeah. Fucking amazing. Yeah, that stuff blows my mind. The talent that it takes, the ability to do that kind of shit is always very underappreciated, right? People don't really think about the artistic ability you have to have to be good at something like that. It's the same way that, you know,

people that don't like tattoos are just like, oh, tattoo, they're not, you're just a person that does them. You're not an artist, but it's extremely fucking difficult. But it just kind of feels to culture not, there's no appreciation. My head is jumping all over the map with this but

yeah that even more so than comics should be able to copyright their their uh work an original tattoo should have a fucking copyright 100 imagine the first person that had that cool tattoo and now every douchebag has it and it's happening and you can't get rid of it like that's even worse than a joke thief right the first guy that did the barbed wire that every chick got because of pam anderson you know like the first the first lawnmower guy with a lawnmower and the pubic hair i remember the first stripper i saw that on i've talked about this on the show there's a there's a there's a great instagram you should look at called snake pit and they put up some of the most ridiculously phenomenal tattoos like it's a lot of nudity a lot of people it's it's a lot of hyper sexualized stuff um but like there's one my favorite one was

a guy is hanging off of a nipple a girl's tit and he's holding on you know it's her boyfriend holding on to her to her under her nipple it's so great dude it's like the the the minutiae the particulars of it it's so small and specific and yeah they should be able to copyright that the same way that we should be able to have no one take our fucking jokes what do you think you can write a new joke you're right only cover up a fucking hackneyed tattoo so many times true what do you think what do you think the punishment should literally be when somebody does steal a joke and does it on something?

Like when a joke is stolen and it's done on something else. To plug your show, the Comedy Store series, which is fucking absolutely makes me, for the first time since before COVID, want to do comedy again. Be part of comedy. yeah your episode last night

that's what the punishment is right fucking carlos mencia was selling out fucking theaters everywhere yeah yeah he got he got the repercussion of what of what it what he deserved yeah well he got the repercussions of what was coming it was almost like, you know, it's almost strange to think. You know how they say, like, some people want to get caught? You know what I mean? Like, it's almost as if he was so brazen he wanted to get caught because he knew he didn't deserve it. Do you know what I mean by that? Yeah, well, I mean, when he did that Bill Cosby high mom, that's like a classic story.

Yeah. Yeah, then you're outright just, I think it's almost, there's guilt. It's like if he had a bit about fucking, I was driving in my convertible doing acid on my way to Vegas when the bats came in. That's so obviously Hunter S. Thompson. Oh no, it's a parallel thing. He's like, no, I was on my fourth bottle of Chivas, and I had my ninth bump of the hour. And yeah, it's just direct ripping him off.

Eating an adrenal gland. What? That's completely. Yeah, I think there's guilt that's laid into fame and success. I think inherently many of us, especially in comedy, when you get a little bit of fame or success, there's so much guilt because of your friends in our world. A lot of them aren't doing well at all.

We all kind of started this bottom feeders club. So when anybody gets a little bit of success, there's guilt built in. And I think in his case, he felt guilty because he knew that everybody knew it wasn't real so like the guilt kept spilling out of him until finally i think he was just like i'm gonna do other people's shit and just get caught well i obviously most the decent ones of us have imposter syndrome

right i'm just thinking would that offset if you were just stealing your fucking jokes? Like if Carlos Mencia had was actually an imposter, he wouldn't have the imposter syndrome that we all feel like, yeah, no, I'm cool with this. You guys have a fucking problem. You all think you're pieces of shit. I don't care. Right of shit i don't care right that's like um well that's like what's his name that guy mr brainwash who you know because of the do you know do you know who that is mr brainwash have you heard of you should look up this documentary about him um he is uh so in the height of banksy the graffiti artist you've heard of that guy banksy yeah um in the height of banksy comes this french photographer uh sculptist what the fuck ever

named mr brainwash and he for lack of a better word is a literal ripoff artist he takes other art that already exists oh that documentary yes yes yeah and this guy is so fuck you about it that it's almost like nobody's mad like what you're talking about he he is an imposter but it just he it's it's just part of what this is it's like he literally re he copied andy warhol shit to a t it was the exact same thing it was just a different color it was like yellow or instead of red and you're And he's open about it. He's like, oh, yeah, that's, Warhol did something similar. You're like, it's the same fucking thing. But he's so, I don't give a shit about it, that it's acceptable or something. It's hard to describe.

In any industry, including ours, look at the people that you just can't fuck with. Right. Joey Diaz. Right. You cannot fuck with that guy no no yeah did i do that or not what's the matter yeah yeah they tried to cancel him and it was maybe the funniest thing it's the funniest thing i said i said to um a friend of mine who was who's just you know a guy from back in Chicago had said, I saw this thing about Joey Diaz and he's a fan of the comedy world. And I said, yeah, it's all bullshit. And he goes, they're really going to try to cancel the guy whose catchphrase is like, you know, what's up, cocksucker? I was like, yeah, that's so true. It's like, how could you even make that? Like, what's the approach? Like, your honor, this man's catchphrase is cocksucker like i really don't think you're gonna sneak in a violation of language to a guy who lives by no linguistic rules it's just i think i think it's really annoying that that's become

even somewhat of a narrative in our business but i feel like it's going away i feel like less and less those voices matter when they say you can't believe what stanhope said it was so offensive i just don't believe that's as prominent as people make it out to be you know i i remember doing uh opium anthony yeah and i was on and dice was coming in and he came in like a fucking you know the the kool-aid guy on fire spitting heat right and they're like and opie and anthony don't even get in a word and he pulls out a cigarette and opie just leans into the mic resigned and says yeah dice is gonna smoke in the studio because they're like yeah you can't you don't say no at some level you're're like, fuck, yeah, it's dice. If I lit up a fucking cigarette, no, get out of here.

All right. Now, did you, what you referenced before, which was very nice about the Showtime documentary that's out right now that I was a part of that, I'm happy to be a part of, they did an incredible job telling the story, but did you, a lot of those guys that I admired as a kid or look up to, or I was like fascinated by, like the Carl LeBove story I talked about, about when Kinison died. I never knew that version of the story. I had heard a few different versions, but I didn't hear that one. Someone like Kinison to me was this entity I could never wrap my head around. Like Dice kind of was closer to me, you know, in terms of I actually saw him more because Kinison had died before I got really into comedy and was old enough. But Dice felt like this crazy, crazy intense character where I feel like guys from a little bit before were just bigger versions of themselves.

Like Dice was so much of a character, right? I mean, did you know him well? No, no, I didn't meet... That was the first time I met Dice that he recognized it was on Opie and Anthony. Right, right. I was well ensconced. He said, I saw your special. I thought it was funny.

And then at some point I tried to chime in and tell him, he was the reason I started comedy. And he goes, I already told you you're funny. You don't have to say anything. He is a fascinating story because I think like comics that i loved when i was young versus what young people now would like us and and i i can't imagine the newest generation would have liked dice do you know what i mean because times and but it's just so it's what but it's wild to think that like comedy has very little shelf life oh almost none almost none right like do you ever go back do you ever go back and look at any of the the specials that you did years ago or albums that you put out and do you ever like

fucking loathe the material or completely completely disagree with what you were trying to push out or no uh i went out i said not yeah last summer i believe it was uh or no summer but when i went out and i was just driving back roads of arizona forcing myself to listen to all of my specials that i put out all my cds right and uh i it wasn't as bad as i thought it was gonna be i mean there's obviously bad parts but i guess i i dreaded it so much there go this isn't terrible you should pretty good if you ever put out a greatest hits album you should it should be called it's not as bad as I thought it was gonna be because truly I felt the same way of anything I've ever put down and I haven't done a lot yet you know I'm I'm only in the game what I don't know 13 years or something like that

and like for me I always admired when people like crafted something and then put it out but now there's like a fucking rat race to put out as much shit as you can constantly and it's hard for me because it was never I was never good at that and i never really i don't know if i'll ever be good at that but like do you see that changing a lot too of like everyone's trying to put out as much as they fucking can and it's this weird clawing you know yeah i i got caught up in that for a second and and then i said it's not necessary what the thing is when you see one of your peers that you respect, rush something that they shouldn't have.

Right. You go, no, don't do that. Don't, don't, don't follow that template. Right. You fucking, you know, I was going to start naming names. No, do it. No, do it. You can fuck it.

You do it. No, but I know what you mean. Like you, you just, a lot of people do. A lot of people do put out stuff before it's ready or a lot. I mean, the almighty dollar. Yeah, that was the one that I put out before it was ready was the one that was really cringeworthy when I was listening to all my shit. It was the Oslo, the one I did in Norway. I was actually, I was, I was the photographer that was taking the cover art for the CD I was about to release said, oh, I could film your show tonight and we could have a, whatever camera shoot.

And my manager's just seeing, oh, we get a fucking free fucking video. I'm like, I'm just putting out, I haven't even released a CD. I'm filming a DVD. And it was, it was sad because a lot of that shit got so much better right well that's what i mean but don't you find that that's hang on uh yeah you're good you're good yeah hi this is bingo she's the uh my wife that doesn't ever remember that i'm doing a podcast but keeps calling in say. Say hi to Andrew, bingo. Okay. Bye-bye now. That couldn't have been more of a well-communicated feeling on both sides.

It's well-rehearsed for years now. We're podcasting, so don't call. I'll call you. Right. I love that love it minutes in hey i've got a request uh do you do you feel like um you're at a place now where because of this all this bullshit because all this fucking covid shutting down everything and blah blah blah do you feel like you're at a place now where when we come back you're excited to go

back or you're kind of pensive about when it all comes i i honestly i was not until i watched that the rogan episode wow and i i was i i texted rogan i said if if i was as inspired all the time as I am right now, I'd be fucked because it means I'd have to get off the couch. And then he texted me back this morning and you started to get into this. I looked at it and I saw that he texted. I still have not read it because I, when you were talking about, we all start as fucking bottom feeders. Like Rogue is at a place now where I'm uncomfortable to talk to him.

Like I don't want nothing. I'm just saying hi and stuff. Right. Well, he knows that. I mean, look, I've,

I've gotten so close with Joe and Joe took me on the road a couple of years ago to open for him and got a taste of the, of that life of like, you know, I play clubs and small baby theaters. And for the first time in my life, I played a fucking massive theater with them. And then we played arenas. And I will say, as phony as this might sound, I've never met a guy personally that successful in our business who still is a guy to me who doesn't who feels fucking normal

to some degree to whatever normal fucking means but he doesn't ever do that thing where you're like oh he's he's bigger than big you know like i imagine kevin hart he's never been anything but that guy to me but at the same time the bigger he gets there's too many of those guys my manager's like oh call rogan when i had the the new book come out and uh and the special and i'm like i'm not calling him but it's funny that we that that's our reaction but the truth is he would he would always take a phone call from you. Do you know what I mean? But I'm also afraid of rejection enough that if he said,

no, I just can't have you on, people don't seem to like you. I'd rather not call. That sounds like projection, not rejection. That sounds like you going, people don't fucking like me. You know what I mean? That's just, I do the same thing of like, I set myself up to fuck myself over. So I'm not, so I don't have to have it done to me. You know what I mean? It's like, I'll do it.

Yeah, I'll do it. I'll fuck myself. You don't need to fuck me. Yeah, it's a self-defense mechanism, but it works. But do you find that you, like when you did his show or whatever did you feel negative vibes like did you think people didn't like you because of it because that's not true didn't like me because of what when you did his show i'm saying like the last time you did a show oh no i'm saying what if he said that i'd rather not call him than have him tell me some

awful truth or not return my call at all or something right right right i know i feel i get it and also you know he made 100 million dollars i feel like if he did cut me out of his life i'd understand i go sure i'm not uh i'm not worth it anymore i understand i know what i am i'm fucking yeah i'm down here and you're up there i told him i said as soon as you get that that check you better not start dabbling in the dark the darkness of fucking those kind of people i just feel like the moment you get 100 million dollars they're like all right so we have this basement of children this is like that's the next stage when you get that insanely rich i just feel like it's it's a part of like this creepy system that exists he won't He wouldn't stop working long enough.

Right, right. It's true. He threatened to come down here. He goes, I really got to come down and visit you, buddy. I really, he would hate it here. Because you see what I'm doing right now? That's what I do all day unless I'm sleeping. Yeah, but maybe it'd be a good shift for someone like him

who's like a... You know, like, you've had so many guys go down there and hang out. Like, Shane Gillis was just down there hanging out. And, like, do people

just come down? Yeah, but Shane can fucking hang out. Shane can just sit in the guest house and you won't see him until 5.30 at night and he comes out

in his fucking sweatpants. Right. And it's very... He doesn't need to be amused. Right right i would have to fucking i have a stray puppy in there with a fucking cone on its head he's like fucking this giant fucking doberman fucking puppy that i've had for a week i took it as a stray my dog hates it my fucking cat won't come back and all he does is is jump around. He's as tall as me.

He kicks me in the fucking back of the head with his front paws. And yeah, a week of that. That's what Rogan would be like to me. To have Rogan down here. Let's go check out that. You want to go? Yeah, let's go. You want to shoot guns?

Yeah, we'll go shoot guns. Right. Yeah, Joe Rogan would be a fucking restless puppy down here. How many people come down? Cause you, I heard you, I've heard you talk about this before. You used to have more of like a, the open door theory, if that's even the phrase, but like people would come down more often. Are you getting less and less into people coming to visit or no?

It's always been the same. Like if, if I'm in the mood as walking that stupid fucking dog the other morning, and I'm on a small side street, and I hear a car behind me going real slow. I'm like, that's a fan. No reason to slow down for me. There's a couple, and they said, hey, they were professors. And they said, I just want to say, big big fans we just took some pictures of your house i go i was just grabbing my dog you know meet me back at the house and we'll take pictures inside and had a bailey's and coffee in the morning and

and they were on their way and that's yeah that's because i was in the mood and they happened to see me most people just show up and take some pictures. And if we happen to see them and we're on the patio and we're in the mood, yeah, fucking come on in. Right. And it's, yeah, it ain't close to, it ain't close to anywhere. And there's not that many people that want to fucking meet me. Right. Like when you do go, I thought about this the other day, when you go, when you are going out on the road, how, how, how inconvenient is it to get home? Does it take you a long time to get back from the road or no?

It's an hour and 45 minutes from my house to the one stoplight in between my house and an hour and 45 minutes to where you exit for the airport. Wow. So it's like living in fucking LA. to where you exit for the airport. Wow. So it's like living in fucking LA. Which beats fucking trying to guess LA traffic and fucking honk. No. Nobody, desert, it's fucking gorgeous.

Yeah, it's beautiful. Well, it's much better. All joking aside, I said it's like living in LA, but truthfully, that's why so many people right now are leaving LA because a lot of comics, A, they feel like they don't need to be here anymore at this point in the world. And also at some point, everyone that was traveling got so sick of having to do that LA thing that they're like, fuck it. I'd rather start in the middle of the country where I can get other places much

easier. And I feel it. I talked to Tom Segura the other day and you know they're they're going to be going down to austin as well and i get it it's just easier to get everywhere and this has become such a weird burden now out here you know so i understand it austin's probably in my top five worst traffic cities in america yeah it's insane down there too i like i mean because you have to take the 35 there's no fucking surface street you're stuck on that miserable fucking well that's why i always said almost a lateral move to la they're fucking cooler than they are right it is it's the same it's the same it feels similar to los angeles that's that's why i always said it's like what's going to happen even more is la shit is going to move down there right like the la thing you know whatever's happening up

here already is going to go down there so it happened to the las vegas strip yeah i just saw the strip for the i go to vegas a bit but i'd never stayed on the strip and i stayed in the heart of it and it's fucking grotesque it's a long mall like you can't even get to the sidewalk in places now it's so gross well when you go when you go to vegas are you at all do you at all play do you gamble at all or no you don't fuck with any of that no i last i gambled was uh september 4th i think of last year i went to uh the impractical jokers had a bachelor party there i guess that's not a secret anymore that i wasn't supposed to tell but yeah it's out it's out now yeah oh yeah so i went there and uh i was really pissed off as i usually am when i leave vegas and all the elevators went out and i'm so i i got a bingo

upstairs and i can't get to her and i was fucking angry and so i just sat down and i put a hundred bucks and i won five grand on a poker machine sitting there waiting for a fucking elevator to come back on that's yeah I haven't gambled since. Smart man. I mean, I feel like comics are all addicts to some degree. You know,

it's like, we all are. It depends on what the addiction is. Just before I forget, I do bet on sports, but that's different. No, I don't mean that.

Yeah, that to me is way different. $10 bets. Yeah. No, that to me is different. I think sitting at a friend's house in like a tournament you know and i never was into high stake stuff because i'm such a pussy about money i never grew up with a lot of money so now that i have a little bit i'm like afraid they're gonna fucking take it from me in the middle of the night so i never have a guy

that's like yeah fucking i got no big game but um i was sitting at the table looking around and for something i might have must have been the booze but it just hit me uh i just didn't give a fuck anymore i was like i don't even really like doing this that like the camaraderie is fun but i'd rather do that not thinking about this game you know yeah uh when i didn't need the payoff was when it became boring right i didn't start gambling with the amount of like i've always been a skimpy gambler but i'll do it fucking voraciously and stay it's like cocaine it's the exact same feeling as cocaine yeah and then when i didn't need the reward what am i doing this for right it feels if you're a thousand dollars i have a thousand dollars yeah then i had that's not earmarked for anything right there's a thousand dollars that just sits

there why would you that's the uh that's the same way i feel like uh at a sporting event when they shoot out a t-shirt cannon and people fucking claw each other's eyeballs for it. I'm always like... Berg's joke. Yeah. It's like you're wearing t-shirts. Berg's joke about handing out flyers.

Right. I hate people handing out flyers. It's like they're saying, here, you... You throw this away. Yeah. I'm sure it is. It says fucking Bob's Auto or Jagermeister. It just feels so it's like i always was mind but it was mind-bending is like people are fist fighting

for a t-shirt they will never fucking value or wear it feels the same when you gamble you're like this is meaningless as fuck you know no until you see the guy wearing one get that out of a fucking t-shirt yeah i ain't never won nothing in my life you ain't taking this away from me stan hope i'm fucking wearing this shirt pal yeah i feel like the emptiness grabbed it from your face i wasn't trying to catch it i needed this shirt i wanted to show fact, you know what I did? Speaking of which, I caught a foul ball at a baseball game that bounced off of the dugout of the opposing team. And I had the ball and I thought, this is what a cool fucking thing. I got this foul ball.

cool fucking thing i got this foul ball and then i saw a kid and i just gave it to him because i thought what am i gonna do with this fucking foul ball like the kid was so excited i just i just like had this out-of-body experience of like what am i gonna place this in my fucking house somewhere where would it go and who cares in my in my thrift store pile we have, we used to have a baseball team, like not even semi-pro, under-pro, but they'd play every summer down three blocks away, and we'd always go down and make assholes of ourselves and heckle. Right. We were about the only people that would go to games, and we had a big wrecking crew,

and they autographed, one team autographed the baseball, all the players at the end of the season for us and uh yeah it's in a thrift store pile i kept that like well they signed it for us right it's been in a crawl space for nine years and i never thought about it so fucking throw it away it's always one of my best parts of covid has been organizing and getting rid of shit that I never used. What's the, what's the most, what's the most like, uh, uh, surprising thing that you were like, bought it, was invested in it, loved it or whatever. And you were like, fuck it. I got up. I don't, we didn't even, we never used it. We threw it away or you gave it away.

Oh, uh, one that I cared about. I'd have to think about that. I remember buying, I would get, you know, airplane drunk is the best drunk. And there was always a Brookstone on my layover in Minneapolis or in Atlanta. Sure. And I would go in there drunk and I'd buy, I bought, I never used it. I never figured out. It was this giant podcast player that was like waterproof. And I think there was a picture of it in a pool or something on the box.

So yeah, that is sat around for years cause I spent like 200 bucks on it or something. And I go, someone, I don't even know. I don't even know how to use an iPod. Someone will want to use this and it never get used so the thrift store pile is it being compiled now to like just

get rid of all that shit you're going to have what are you going to do with it you're going to have people come and buy shit no no I just drop it at the thrift store anything of value we do eBaybay yard sale we've been done for years but we usually do it all all this shit at once like how many fucking posters of yourself do you need that are well yeah someone will actually enjoy this rather than me after 30 years still having to collect fucking memorabilia it is it is creepy in my closet when we moved i had like uh

pins they were like shirt pins that a graphic designer friend made for me and i was like why do i still have a box i should just give these to people my wife was like just fucking give those to what the fuck are you gonna do with those things like what what an insane thing to have for no reason she was like someone will like them give it away a fan if it's if it's noteworthy of your career a fan will like it so of course yeah so we're now we're doing one item a week i think black friday we might put out a bunch of shit that ends on black friday but i found a ton of that shit because i get a lot of free time and all this stuff that you think you'll never get to fuck the crawl space right i went through the crawl space i found report cards from when i was a kid holy shit were you were you good were you good were you good at

school as a kid no no i i was bad at some stuff but i just just wasn't into it. So I just left. I just waited until I was old enough to leave. But I feel like most comics may have been bad students, but were actually smart, but just school was fucking impossible. I was a bright kid. Yeah, see? That's what I mean. I guarantee you, you could have been what is an exemplary student, but it's just school is hard for the way that our brains work.

It's really difficult. Well, if they had the classes that I was interested in. Right. That's exactly. Algebra. The fuck? Yeah. It's a nightmare.

Like they. Who would do that on purpose? Who would do that on purpose? When I learned, well, I think when I learned, when I learned that, like, I went to college and I went for journalism and English, I learned that it was like, oh, I'm only taking three classes, but they're only things that I give a fuck about that I have genuine interest in. And I became like a good student. Like my dad was like, holy fuck, are you doing good in school?

I was like, yeah, it's like the thing I like, you know, like holy fuck are you doing good in school i was like yeah it's like the thing i like you know like i was a fuck up in high school because it was so boring or unamusing or uninteresting i was just so like yeah it's like this vapid wasteland of information and of course the way that our minds are working i'm trying to find the comedy and how bored i am and fucking shit on things so inevitably I was a terrible student. Be able to tell the teacher, hey, tell me how to do this. Right. Teacher should be, hey, I hired you lady.

Yeah, they should be plugging. Here's what I want to know about. And if you have to look at a YouTube video and then tell me about it, that's what I want to know how to do. Teachers should should be human Google. We should just be able to ask them and they should find out for us. That's it. It should be just like a that's that's the give and take. Because I never I never understood the system of putting kids through this ringer of information that they don't give a fuck about. And it's not engaging at all like my

you know our nieces are they're young and they're going through the um zoom learning or whatever and i was like if it wasn't hard enough for kids to not give a fuck about school now they can do it on a computer and definitely not give a fuck about school it becomes you know fucking google should be school yeah yes yes give a kid a computer yeah he's gonna figure it out in here we pour whiskey big drinkers out there whiskey ginger drinkers i know a lot of people that listen to the show like the sauce just like i uh and the next day you don't feel so good. Halloween's coming up. If you're partying, you got to have something to help you out the next day. DHM Detox is phenomenal. I've talked about them before, man. No Days Wasted is here to help you maximize

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You know, they'll give you a refund if you're not happy. I've got 20% off your first order and free shipping in the United States. Just head over to nodayswasted.co slash whiskey. Use the promo code whiskey at the checkout. That's nodayswasted.co slash whiskey. That promo, as always, is whiskey. slash whiskey that promo as always is whiskey i like cinders so are you um i'm asking you because we're in the obviously in the middle of this world series now are you a big uh are you a baseball fan or you don't give a fuck yeah yeah baby there it is that's sky reasy yeah so, uh, no, I'm not a baseball fan at all, but no, uh, it was when sports came back,

we have it on all the time, whatever sports are going, we always have it on in the fun house, but actually I kind of got into baseball since it was all that was on for a minute. Right. Right. Did you, when you grew up, you're, you're an East coast guy, you're Massachusetts, right? Did you grow up with sports influence? Because that's everyone over there is a fucking sport head. I was the iconoclast. Even if I didn't give a fuck about the sport, I hated the local team. So, yeah, I hated the Celtics.

Right. I'd root for whoever they were playing against until I left. And once I left and moved to L.A. in 85, so that was at the height of, you know, bird and magic. Wow. And then all of a sudden I was a Celtics fan. Do you give a fuck now at all? Do you have any allegiance whatsoever? I always have a favorite team.

I think it's very important to have a favorite team, even if you don't like the sport. I'm a Wolverhampton Wolves fan. That was a good gig. I don't know who's in the new XFL, but I was a Las Vegas Outlaws fan of the original XFL. You're going to have a favorite. But yeah, I'm an Arizona Cardinals fan.

Nobody else is. No one else? I know. But yeah, I'm an Arizona Cardinals fan. Nobody else is. No one else. I know. Well, when I was leaving Arizona, they were building that new stadium in Glendale. Because when I was in school, they used to play at ASU. They still shared ASU Stadium with the college. And it was fucking great because the remnants of that pro football team in our college stadium, they still could serve beer.

So a lot of- It was across the street. Right across the street. I always looked at that stadium thing and that would be one of the coolest stadiums to be in. And I never went. It was awesome, man. And you could go watch a pro football game for the same price as a fucking college game. I mean, it was, you know, because the Cardinals have always been the Cardinals.

same price as a fucking college game i mean it was you know because the cardinals have always been the cardinals so like we would go there for ten dollar student tickets and get blacked out of our minds and be right on our campus it was it was so much i i've i've been to only a few football games but enough to know that no matter what the seats you'd prefer to be a cardboard cutout football live is the most fucking tedious thing yeah it's yeah it's better to be at home at home with your friends and you're bullshitting during the commercial breaks and during the timeouts and during the fucking you know kickoff that's not going to get returned when you have to watch that shit without fucking conversation or distractions and you have to walk fucking three stories for a beer fuck that it is it's severely inconvenient my favorite live uh i've always said if you've never seen hockey live go see hockey

live hockey live to me is the fucking best hockey live to me trumps every fucking sport yeah it does by far it's it's yeah obviously baseball because you don't care yeah baseball is baseball i've seen the most of but it's not it's just because i go to baseball games on the road when i'm alone. I'll always take a feature to the game with me if my friend Chris goes, but if I'm with somebody that doesn't give a fuck, I'll go by myself because it's a sport where you don't even have to be there to be there. I can have a couple beers and nothing really matters and come and go whenever the fuck I want.

It feels like a bar. It does. It feels like a bar. It does. It really does. It's a big fucking bar that happens to have a little bit of action every 15 minutes. There's a titty bar, my favorite titty bar. The only one that I'd actually still go to is Mary's in Portland. It's on the corner of Burnside and Broadway. It's like a corner pub that just happens to have some fucking suicide girls playing the jukebox and getting completely naked but you can just sit there and talk and it's that's what baseball is

like it's oh we could look over there at the game if we get run out of shit to say to each other that's why i saw it in here in case we run out of shit yeah we'll flip it around Portland has that Portland has that the way that they've done strip clubs is fucking phenomenal it's impressive as shit because they're they're really just unique bars you know what I mean

a strip club in LA is a typical LA bullshit strip club and they're all the same. But for some reason, uh, Portland has found a way to make it so cool to just hang out there and not really be involved. You know, the,

the, yeah, the first one I went to, I was when I was living out of my car at some fans from the show said, Oh, you can crash at our place. And they said, Oh,

tomorrow they have the fucking like seven dollar steaks and where wherever titty bar and they were so serious it's the best steak ever you're gonna like they completely didn't care about the titty bar aspect of it this is like a fucking good steak i bet you it was though i bet like that's they've made it they've made it not yeah it's it's more casual you go look at those tits. Right. Which is what most restaurants should start adopting, by the way. If you do get bored, they should just have tits roaming around restaurants.

You know, Buffalo Wild Wings. The same way they used to put like trivia questions on sugar packets. So if you were on a date and you needed something to talk about. Right, to stare down. So if you were on a date and you needed something to talk about. Right, to stare down. Isn't that a, I think that's a, that's a scene from Monty Python, Meaning of Life, isn't it? Where death comes at the end.

Oh, yeah. And he's, oh, right, right, right, right, right. They're having dinner and they're reading like trivial pursuit cards or something. Right. You're a big, you're a big Python guy, huh? I was when I was a kid. Yeah. Yeah. To me, it was like my first introduction to, when I was young, what I called smart comedy. When I was a kid, I was like, this is what smart comedy is.

I learned. International Lampoon Magazine. Yeah. See, I wasn't, I'm 37 and the magazine wasn't our generation like but i i hear that it kind of shaped how so many comics grew up with this newfound freedom of like insane off the wall fucking whatever comedy that didn't exist no it was definitely in an influence yeah i i think uh when i first saw monty i learned about why i kind of got turned on by british humor was because it was always dark and smart alecky and snarky and a little condescending but also like they were making fun of you but they were

also making fun of them. And I was always impressed by that about British comedy that, you know, a lot of times American comedy was such a rock star mentality and it was so the opposite for them, which is why I fucking horned out on them for years because I just was fascinated by the idea of like, you could be self-deprecating, but also shit on the person right in front of your face. This would have been when I found Monty Python and National Lampoon pretty much predated stand up. Like stand up was starting to grow at that point. So it was like 77 it would have been. Right. But it was just the era of what comedy was to

come right or what was what was to be this the larger form of sketch and and and comedic film and group comedic groups that started to grow from that you know yeah i i remember growing up my mother loved the carol burnett show right and i would try to stay up for 10 o'clock on Saturday night. I'm going to stay up all night tonight. And I'd always fall asleep. But I also didn't find it funny. Right. Because it, well, it was, it probably wasn't.

Do you know what I mean? It wasn't. No, but I liked watching people around me laugh. Right. Right. And found better shit. And then, you know, Saturday i was saturday night live in its heyday was yeah and now it's a and when you you're that age you're fucking 11 years old or something

yeah saturday night live can be funny for every generation if you don't grow up totally totally when it fucking horrible show when it was in its when it was in its moment for me as a kid, it was untouchable. But then I think, do kids now think it's untouchable the way that I did? And it's just because I'm older and I'm not a part of it? I can't imagine any kid liking Saturday Night Live. Now it's their parents' Oldsmobile. It's fucking awful. It's fucking awful.

Every few years, I couldn't name you one cast member in the last fucking 20 years on saturday night live maybe two uh right but i'll i'll record it and then i'll watch it and i never get past like three sketches and like this is fucking jaw dropping, fucking awful. Do you still watch it? Trump's biggest war crime is making that show relevant in the news for a second. I said that I said somewhere in his dark cave, Lauren Michaels is counting money and writing thank you letters to Trump because it reinvigorated that show. It made that show it like

i know he owes him everything i mean i don't care for the image of kids in cages either but uh no i don't want to fucking see who's playing i don't even know the elected official anymore i could care less so much and i watched the bill burr one because he had to it was bill burr and he did fine and his sketch was fine and but then everything just like the cliche stereotype of that show it goes like eight times too long all right that could that could have worked if you stopped right after the first time you did the punchline it's like a um uh a musical comic you know like when they read the first chorus you're like that's the punch and then you're like you're gonna you're gonna do it again we i already heard it you just told it to me yeah it's fucking so

fucking lazy right there was a guy speaking of musical comics there was a guy named steven lynch do you remember him only because uh he toured with hedberg i i remember downloading some of his shit from napster same yeah same same and uh rape rape a baby rape a baby rape a baby hey that's like people who fucking rape or pay. Hey, that's like people who fucking respond. My fans try to emulate me and a lot of times do it poorly. So they'll

just put cunt, retard, faggot or whatever into a sentence. Yeah, you've used three bad words. I get it. But there's no joke there at all. Right, right, right.

With no context. But Stephen Lynch, his songs, I remember going, it's just saying the same rape of a baby. Right, over and over. That was the thing I learned. So I was kind of biased because he toured with Hedberg, co-headlining. Chaley was the tour manager, and they didn they didn't get along and hedberg was my friend so yeah he was um i mean this is a he was my i saw him at the tempe improv when i was in

school and it was his second or third to last show before he went uh east and passed away because he passed away on the east coast right oh fuck i thought you're talking about steven lynch no no no he's still alive he's here now steven um no when when mitch mitch mitch did a show and i remember dude i remember so vividly i was so fucking excited the girl i was seeing at the time couldn't give a fuck about comedy. And it was my, it was like my secret disgusting obsession because I didn't admit that I wanted to be a comedian yet. But I was obsessed and I was like, you got it. When this guy Mitch comes, you'll have to see like this will be fucking comedy. I know you'll like this.

And if you don't like this, you know, I'll fucking kill you know you'll like this and if you don't like this you know i'll fucking kill you where you stand and and i remember going and being just i don't know man like the the the fanship of me like kind of took the moment into like this extremely memorable wonderful incredible comedy night for me and then to learn a week, maybe two weeks later, he had passed away was, uh, it was a mind fuck. And to be honest, was part of the reason why I was just like, fuck it. I'm going to do standup. I mean, his death was almost like the reason that I was, cause I was scared of moving to LA. Uh, I was like, I can't fucking move to LA dude. I was in Phoenix. I was in Phoenix going to school. And I thought I was just going to go back to Chicago. And I was like, I can't, I don't have any money. I don't know. LA is filled with people that I know nothing about. And it was when he died,

a friend of mine was like, you should really just go try that standup thing that you love so fucking much. And I think that was part of the impetus not the only thing but part of it was me going fuck it man like whatever i i you know what i mean like i i'm either going to go back to chicago and get a job doing construction because that's for sure what my intellectual level was going to allow me i couldn't get an office job i was like i can do stuff with my hands but i was like i either that or I'll just go try it at least. So that was part of the reason. Yeah.

He was a big part of the reason that I left L.A., his death. Yeah. When he died, you were done. I don't want to do anything that they have to offer here. I just want to do the road. Right. Get the fuck out of here. I hated that place for 10 years and never thought to leave isn't that weird

so many people that move here we hate it and yet you're this magnet to stay it's like you're forced I would always get like every time I thought to leave I would get some like fucking carrot you do this pilot it pays like 25 grand

probably never get picked up but you, you know, do it. And so I, well, you know, and then I did the math on it, which is my worst subject. And I go, for all this shit I keep staying around just for the fucking free easy money, what I'm spending is fucking outrageous compared to what I, anywhere I wanted to live that I liked. 100%. Would be way less money. That would add up to all these fucking stupid projects you'd get fucking outrageous compared to what I, anywhere I wanted to live that I liked. A hundred percent. Would be way less money.

That would add up to all these fucking stupid projects you'd get in LA that you don't even want to do. Just do the road. You get a dog. Right. And you do the road and get a fucking dog. I got a dog out here to supplement. Hey,

this is a good breaking point. I didn't want to interrupt you earlier, but I got to do, I got to read my sponsors. point. I didn't want to interrupt you earlier, but, uh, I gotta do, I gotta read my, uh, sponsors. Will you pour another fucking drink? Cause you see this out.

I think we're off the air. I didn't want to, I didn't want to interrupt you. Cause I don't want to drink alone and you've not touched. Well, I'm done. I've been sipping on ice. Hold on one second.

I didn't want to interrupt you to get another copy. Hang on. I do actually have an ad copy. And this is some goofball. He's in the 9th District in Michigan. Hey, 9th District in Michigan listeners, are you voting? It's time for you to vote. And if you're in the 9th District, my fellow Americans, Congress sucks.

In 2010, the Democrats were in power, and Congress had an approval rating of only 17%. In 2018, the Republicans had control of Congress and their rating was only 18%. So it's time for you to just say no to Congress and defund politicians. It's time to vote for American hero Mike Saliba. Mike Saliba believes in legalizing all of the things he believes in pansexual family units protecting their LSD labs with 3D printed machine guns. Mike Saliba will just say no to Congress and vote no on all bills that don't increase American freedom and defund politicians paid for by the commission to elect Mike Saliba. And we're back with this show. You look a lot more comfortable now.

I am. I am very much. Mike Saliba, that was a Mike Saliba ad? Yeah, you know, for our ninth district of Michigan Congress voters, that we want to vote for someone who mentions LSD and pansexual families and 3D machine gun printers. Which is all some of my favorite stuff, I guess. That all kind of adds up. I think a lot of my

9th District people would Google it. Search where the 9th District is. I don't even know where that is. You probably do. Thicker than you imagined, by the way. Did you... Last year we did seven

towns in Michigan. uh i fucking love michigan yeah where did you what do you play when you do that do you do just like like like do you do music clubs it depends that one what we did so many we were in places i've i've never been like uh traverse city yeah traverse some bar and uh some, I don't fucking know. But I switch. I don't have a lot of standards in Michigan, except for the machine shop in Flint. Fucking crazy.

Every time I played there, it's fucking, I had a guy thrown out, like in the first three minutes, a guy rushed the stage. I haven't even said anything offensive, much less good evening. And this guy is thrown right out the side door. I did just roll with it. What's your what is that your is that your favorite way to do it is to hit a bunch of cities in a place and just do like night after night after night after night and do one show a night. Well, when we a night. Well,

when, when we're driving. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And we can map it out. It's a, it's a fun drunk game.

All right. What, what if we just did this whole, cause I haven't been to the upper peninsula of Michigan since I was a fucking kid. Well, I mean the kid comic. So yeah,

let's, when you're drinking a lot of those ideas, you go, Oh, that'd be fun to be in the upper peninsula and then you're there and you're not drunk right you go it's how long to the next time six and a half hours it's a nightmare this and you have no one to blame but your drunk self but you two never meet yeah you never get to meet that guy but you do you do uh you do have moments of like flashback of him and uh it is a little disappointing you i yeah i remember like i like i have these moments of flashbacks to uh when i was so fucked up in arizona and i used to go to a place called philly bertos they made they made my favorite burritos. Breakfast burritos.

They still go. Oh, I fucking love Philly bees. Yes. And being so shit-faced and eating Philly bees, I would eat it. It's so weird. I would get drunk and I would eat it somewhere. I would like hide. I don't know why, but I'd like hide like underneath an apartment overhang, like a balcony.

But it was just comforting for some reason. And maybe it was my internal being like, if you die, at least you're in like a cove where they can find you. I don't want to die with the burrito like on the main road. I want to die kind of tucked away. But those flashes of... I have a friend, she was a pretty bad drunk yeah she said that once she got really shit-faced she would hide her keys from herself to punish her sober self in the morning

i wish that was my story yeah yeah yeah it a punishment. It's a polar opposite for me. I try to set myself up to win the next day. I'm always like, let's do this. So tomorrow I find stuff when I get drunk that I'm like, oh, look at that. I set that up. So I will brush my teeth when I wake up. I didn't do it before I fell asleep or pass the fuck out. But I put the toothbrush near the toothpaste near my bed to go.

Hey, nice. Yeah. I know you learn those tricks, Hey, nice. Yeah. You learn those tricks. Yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah. I,

I sleep naked to remind myself to bathe. Yeah. I sleep naked. I never take my clothes off. So if I, if I wake up naked alone, you have to shower. Bath time.

That's right. You know, you have to show, I,. That's right. You have to shower. I, you know what? I said this, I started sleeping naked during the pandemic, uh,

or a little bit before this shit started. And now I'll never go back. I used to, I used to, you know, sleep with shorts on or something. And now I sleep naked. It's the best,

the best thing I've ever done. You know, I, uh, I don't have a hair, uh, past don't have a hair, uh, past my mid calf because all growing up as a teenager, I would just sleep in my clothes and my socks.

And that's back when you had the seventies socks that went all the way up. Yeah. Yeah. So I still don't grow hair there. You don't grow hair there. Why did you sleep in your clothes when you were young? I'm just too lazy to fucking take them off. The same reason I sleep on my clothes now. You do?

You sleep fully clothed? Now, I live in pajamas. Right, same. But will you sleep fully clothed, for real? Yeah. Oh, yeah? I mean, fully clothed is usually a pajama like outfit yeah i either wear the stupid suits i wear on stage or i'm in pajamas what what was the now

i could be way wrong and i don't know what i'm talking about but when i always saw the way that you wore suits on stage that were usually throwbacks you know old school suits yeah 70s vintage plaid is it your answer to the suit era or is it just just because no uh it actually started young but when i was a telemarketer my mother because we didn't dress up we always went thrift store shopping right and we'd find goofy shit for funny. And so she would ship me back before it was vintage. This is, you know, late 80s. It wasn't cool to have fucking 70s polyester. Right.

And she'd send me these jackets she found for, I got it for a quarter. And we'd make the other, the new guys in the telemarketing office wear them and tell them it was the trainee's uniform. So I was always fond of those and i'd always wear those around occasionally as a goof right but uh i like wearing anytime i used to wear a fucking santa hat year round for a year no reason when i was a kid yeah just because but i realized when i started like committing to those suits it was when you get too fucking bloviating and angry being dressed like half a clown helps take the edge off of when you're screaming and yelling right right when you're when you're when you're when you're uh really laying into fucking hard real shit. It softens the mood when they see you in something flowery and puffy from 1976.

Yeah. And I fucking love putting outfits together. I'm gay as fuck when it comes to me and Chaley. He's my tour manager and my producer. Yeah. We dress in the same shit on the road. We're fixing each other's collars. And that tie do do the dark

shirt with the fucking weird tie yes that's good do you kiss you gotta kiss before you go on stage what's that you gotta kiss before you go on stage you have to just a little smooch that's how you say you look good you look good little kiss kiss and then move on. It's not uncommon. Right, right, as you must. I feel like because I, what I loved about you wearing those vintage suits was that, to me, that's why I asked you about it. Because I was always blown away by guys that wore suits because of Carson. I think because they did this thing where it's like you got to wear a suit when you did Carson. And then when people were doing any sort of TV, they would would dress up and i've never been a dress-up guy but i saw i when you did it i was like if i was ever gonna wear a suit it would have to be a fun suit the boring stiff suit

to me is the death of comedy it's such a weird look for a guy that's telling jokes it fits some acts yeah seinfeld i mean who else fucking seinfeld couldn't go out fucking dressed in a track suit like fucking shane gillis yeah i know but but it's like yeah i guess it fits your it fits the act specifically but i don't know anybody that could wear a suit in our current generation i mean who could who could i i always encourage people to get a look i remember junior stopka i don't know if you know junior this fucking brilliant kid out of chicago and he's great opener uh but he just doesn't care he pretty much has the act that he's gonna do and. And it's funny every time to me. But he's this big lumbering.

He looks like a mixture of Hedberg and the Indian from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. He's this giant lummoxy kid. And we always try to dress him up. Because all we do on the road, we find sushi near the club and find all the thrift stores. And just hit thrift stores looking for weird shit and that's our only hobbies i don't want to go see the fucking museum i don't care about fucking i'm not like bill burr i want to hit every college stadium no thrift stores and weird shit and we would try to dress this kid up in anything and nothing really worked on his frame. Is he still in Chicago? Is he a Chicago guy?

Oh, he's still working, yeah. That's the one thing not to sound sentimental, but it does bum me out to think what's happening right now is hurting a lot of guys like that. The working guys are getting fucked because of this whole thing.

I don't even know how a lot of those guys are surviving man i i i think the same about you know guys that overextended like how many of these guys uh are yeah i'm gonna go out fuck covid uh is that because you fucking you you really thought that fucking pilot was going to take off and you overinvested it. Right. That's what it is. How many fucking headliners are on the verge of getting a fucking day job just because they thought that gravy train would never end? A lot. I mean, a lot of them. I mean, I would say that's why so many people are kind of showing very heavy signs of desperation because this culture of los angeles makes people overspend and and and i in comedy the bubble was bound to pop out here

it was so good because of what rogan did for the store and what you saw in that documentary it was like what was growing and happening there? I felt it in my bones. I said to my wife, I was like, this is popping, man. This is fucking, and I've always lived so below my means that this is the moment when I live below my means and I go, see, see, this fucking thing is, this is not a forever thing. There's no way, you know?

I remember going out there and Rogan coming out with open micro energy saying, this is fucking going on every night. You're going to move back. You're going to move back. This is the shit. And I, yeah, no, it's obvious. I met more comics in one night, like Chris Rock and fucking david spade and like all these people i'd never even met and i'm just meeting them all trying to get in line at the vip bar in the back

with kerry mitchell it's it's insane it's what was happening there was reminiscent of a time that i never experienced what i imagine you know that late 70s era was like where it was fucking that comedy boom hot as a pistol so many stars and all that stuff that's what the store kind of felt like the last five years was like

fucking you know I brought Junior Stopka there Junior is a kid uh when he first went on the road I brought Junior Stopka there. Junior is a kid. When he first went on the road, it was only the second time he had flown. And I brought him. He was meeting me in Pittsburgh.

He had to go to a website. It was a military website to learn how to fold his clothes to put him in a suitcase. So he's the kid that you want to, like, he's in a hotel. You know the ones, they have the, the curtains have the pull rod? Right. Sitting there spinning it for minutes before Bingo said, oh, Junior, no, we went to a, we were in a Delta Sky Club in San Franciscoisco we had just done a gig and we were going on vacation to hawaii so why not bring junior and uh it was winter so it was cold we get in the sky club and it's a really small one and uh i said junior you should probably take off that

fucking hoodie and all that we're're going to land in 88 degrees. So he changed. He started changing right there in the middle of a fucking sky. What are you doing? And he goes, oh, he said it was a private club. So he's this fucking adorable kid. I forget my point. What's my point?

Junior Stopka is your point that we need to look into. Oh, the comedy store. So the comedy store. I take him to LA for the first time. Hannigan gets a suite on the corner of the old Hyatt house looking over the comedy store. So we have this corner suite staring down at the line of people that are coming in to see us.

And it's just fucking bed-letting. And it was so much more fun to have him experience that than me, because I've done this. And so I demanded someone get me a fucking small amount of Coke before the show just so he could do a bump off of that glass piano table in the green room. That green room is fucking magic. It's historic as fuck. I mean, the amount of Coke that's been done in that room is insurmountable.

I think it beats any other place on earth like it's that place is a was a was a late night mecca for mitzi that green room specifically not the club but that was a that was where mitzi was like could hold court with all the most famous and where you know if you weren't top tits you couldn't get in which is crazy it was like a fucking nightclub inside of a nightclub you know some sometimes you fucking just need porn yeah uh to get i could uh if i could transpose like i hang on honey i just need to watch some of the green room of the main room of the comedy store and that just immediately makes me horny i want to do coke and fuck someone that's that is the same it's very pavlovian that's what that is yeah doing coke on that piano and being in that fucking room well because the vibe you know

i think what they that is that's the ghost of the comedy store they say it's haunted and that's the ghost is when you go into that fucking room you just want to do coke and coke and fuck yeah that's it is someone doing coke fucking when you walk it's a ghost possessed by spirits that make you want to do horrible things well it's also because uh while your wife's in a coma yeah she and she's and she'll never get out you know she'll never get out, you know? She'll never get out. It's also because that place, it does make you feel different. Of all the clubs I've worked across the country, most clubs feel like a room in a mall or a room in a place or a building. But it's rare to find a place when you walk in that you physically feel different. I think that's why there's so much talk about it when people, you know.

When it was dead, like really dead, I played there, you know, occasionally in those years. And when it was, you know, at its apex before COVID, it still had the same feeling. Dead, it had the same feeling. B. Dad had the same feeling, bustling, same weird feeling. Totally. Hey, this is Tracy. She wants to ask you if you know Carrie Mitchell while I take a piss. Go piss. Tracy.

I had to give you something to say. It's a conversation. Hi, he's just peeing. I'm just saying hi. You're good. Hi, bartender. How are you? just peeing. I'm just saying hi. You're good. Hi, bartender. How are you? I'm all right.

How are you doing? I'm good. I love this orange in your hair. Thanks. I'm about to redo it. It'll be much brighter. I mean, I'm a real orange. I'm an original orange.

But we appreciate you guys just the same because you're spreading the good word. Thank you. Yeah, I'm definitely're spreading the good word. Thank you. Yeah, I'm definitely putting it out there. What's the worst drink that you've made for Doug? What's the drink that he fucking hates? We made some when he was doing 30 Days in the Hole, the original one. They were doing old-fashioned drinks. And to me, the worst drink is the Negroni

yeah I don't fuck with that it's disgusting the ones they got at Forest at oh what are they called it's Z or A

we'll figure this out Aperol Spritz no it's I keep wanting to say Zazerac Or A. We'll figure this out. Aperol Spritz? No, it's... I keep wanting to say... Zazerac. Oh, Zazerac. Zazerac. Yes, that's right.

Yeah, that was my fault. That is... Fucking Dodgers. Fuck the Dodgers. Do you know Morgan Murphy? Honestly, I'm not kidding. I was going to bring that up. So I reached out to Morgan because I know that you guys are friends. Um, she's a massive, uh, baseball or sports fan. I hit her up because she was in the hospital,

um, to make, and just to tell her that, like, it's so hard to not be corny when you're just like i just want to say i i love you and i hope that everything is okay and that's it you know because like it's hard i understand people are going through shit that people check in and they want to they want to know more for their sake than for your sake but uh we talked we talked some fun little shit and it was kind of nice and i'm glad that she's all good and fucking feeling she's in the clear she's she's dealing with some shit yeah brain stuff we're familiar with around this house it's crazy that's crazy i mean it's just anytime they're opening up your fucking head makes me go to a just a place of just so that's the scariest shit on earth to me and she says

she said that that's a reason she never did hallucinogens is she didn't want to have to deal with what she's going through recovery from brain surgery and having done lots of hallucinogens what she was describing i completely understood right i can like hear parts of my brain communicating with other parts of my brain. Or I can actually feel myself healing. And I go, yes, I get that. I've seen laughter come out of a shower head. So, yeah, I get exactly.

Yes, I have felt those moments. Like, you brought her up because I'm sure of baseball because she's a she is an insane baseball fan she's like uh yeah no i keep that's why i'm watching i'm only hoping we're only hoping the dodgers lose so i can fuck with morgan murphy i was just when she alluded to going into surgery i said yeah she picked a good week to get that gruesome, embarrassing Dodgers tattoo taken off. Isn't that so funny to think that like we just it's because you love Morgan that you want the Dodgers to lose? Like you're like, God, I want those fuckers to lose so bad. I want to talk shit to her. Right. It's just like you. That's friendship.

That's when when you really love someone, you're like, I want tragedy to strike you, because even this operation she's having, it's going to be fun to rag on her about in a couple of months it's going to be great you know and and i did hate the dodgers anyway uh it's not like i just picked one thing to fuck with her but i hate the dodgers and how dare you be my friend and like them right right you have a Dodgers tattoo on my street. She lives three doors down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. She has her place. Because of you. It's all because of you.

Well, she wouldn't have come to my house if I didn't live here. Yeah, no, the existence of that town will be stapled with your name on it for the rest of time i guess like you will be you will be the reason in my opinion that so many people will know what bisbee is because when i heard somebody say stanhope's moving to bisbee and i i thought that was a california place i was like oh shit cool good for him i and you lived in arizona yeah i know isn't that fucking crazy i had no idea what that was i just thought oh good for him i lived here for a year and a half i had never heard of bisbee do you do you do you think you will end up you'll

stay there forever or no yes absolutely i when i bought the place is the first house i ever bought and i i go up it's where we're close to a hospital yeah that's good and uh there's only three stairs so uh as a smoker early on you work out these problems that when you stopped you said you stopped smoking how how what was the what was the years of coming back that was 2008 when I did it for a year. And I got so fucking fat. I just stayed on my couch for two months. Still had to go back on the road. Wore nothing but pajamas in the winter.

Didn't realize I gained like 20-something pounds and my pants wouldn't fit. I did my first gig in Indianapolis in overalls. You can still find the footage out there. You want to find Fat Stanhope. Yeah. Fat Stanhope, by the way, is a great character. It's very, very funny.

I wore overalls, ironically, but not. Right, right, right. And someone bootlegged that show. It's still out there. And Hennigan saw the fucking bootlegging and went, don't ever wear those on stage again. My manager rarely gives me advice, but it's usually something of that level.

Don't ever look like that. Don't, don't wear it. The overalls, they don't look good on you, Doug. So we're hoping for two things to happen the dodgers to lose and and now comedy for for you the reinvigoration of what that documentary did are you already writing like are you writing again or no are you are you only i i've written down in eight months i've probably written down six premises or ideas right i'm obviously not gonna bother writing anything covid related although i did have a fucking rant in my head today uh but yeah by the time i'm ever out there i don't have anything on

the books till late march or april Right. I mean, the only, there's still the only COVID stuff I would have is me getting COVID. Cause I fucking had it. So talking about the experience is the only jokes that I feel like I would maybe make. Oh yeah. That's different. Yeah.

Yeah. But even still, it's almost like, uh, yeah, the experience could be joked about, but i just feel like i've seen people joke about covid so much on the internet that i'm just not interested in it that much for some i'm just like i don't know even even having it the only there wasn't much funny about it it was fucking annoying

i was i was super fucking tired and annoyed and i just wanted to get it over with but i was you know i do i will say the funniest part about covid is how people react to you telling them you had it it's really wild the way that people disseminate they immediately disseminate what kind of person you are when you have had it i don't know what their thought is, but I see how they're thinking. Do you know what I mean? Like I watched their brain do this thing where they're like, Oh, I've been watching this social experiment of just the, the,

the commune that we have together. People that live here. Right. And our friends and how the dynamic works. Cause we, we do football Sunday and we quarantine this house the fun house without the high risk people the older fatter people right that we smokers sit out on the patio distanced enough but outside with the tv out there, but everyone's like, there's been so much information or misinformation

and, or growth of information that everyone has their own idea of what is safe. Yeah, totally. Totally. Like, like I find myself going, no, he's really funny. funny yeah you do think you get a pass it's almost like i'm not you know it's like when you say uh i used to tell the story about being on a flight with bob knight the basketball coach who threw a chair in indiana this crazy bad yeah and it was like i was on a bumpy flight coming out of wisconsin it was gonna crash i felt like it was gonna crash and he was reading a fucking reading a new york times like it was like nothing was happening i was like yeah bob knight doesn't die like this you know what i mean it gave me this hope of like fucking we're fine dude this is gonna get to jersey with with your luck

you would die on a fucking flight with a guy more famous, Bobby Knight and 99 other people. Of course. Yeah. Bobby Knight, some redheaded cunt and a few other people died and it was worth the crash. Um, all right, look,

I, we, we, we end the episode the same way. Uh, I really appreciate you. I, I want to tell you regardless of this disconnect and distance uh it's been a

pleasure and i am for been a forever fan i i think you're fucking a brilliant dude and i don't i don't want to suck your dick for the last minute and a half oh no i'll suck your dick with a fact yeah i had to do a fucking podcast with aaron. Oh, yeah. 11 a.m. And I was the fucking worst, most boring guest because I didn't want to drink during it because I was saving that for you. I love you. Thank you, brother. I appreciate it. It's a sober podcast.

Well, I'll thank Aaron. Thanks, Aaron, for taking that early morning hit because I appreciate it. thanks aaron for for for taking that early morning hit because i appreciate it but i honestly genuinely um without sounding you know cheap but i i i'm excited to see what's next on you know the docket for only a few people and you're one of the few people that i want to see what's coming up next for you because you know the times they are a change and i think there's going to be some great fucking comedy that's birthed out of all this bullshit i really really do yeah after after 9-11 i was fucking locked and loaded yeah because there was there was a definitive end that you could start piecing together your point of view right and this i i don't even i have no fucking idea what's going on

yeah but so but it's going to but it's going to birth good comedy. I just know it'll birth good comedy. Yeah, I know. I don't see the end yet. These towers haven't crashed. I'm still watching. But as soon as we get to the Pentagon, I'm excited, right? Like as soon as we get there, we'll be good.

So we end the episode the same way. I want you to look in the camera. You say one word or one phrase that takes us home. I'm going to walk off screen, and you're just going to say whatever the fuck you want to close the episode. It's not whether you win or lose. It's whether or not you wake up with a good story. In here, we pour a whisk, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.