Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Hannah Berner

Episode Date: July 19, 2024

Hannah Berner is a comedian, podcaster, and reality TV star known for her quick wit and unfiltered humor. Rising to fame on Bravo's "Summer House," she captivates audiences with her sharp insights and relatable content on her popular podcast, "Berning in Hell." With a background in tennis and a knack for stand-up comedy, Hannah brings a unique blend of athleticism and comedy to the stage, making her a dynamic force in the entertainment world. #hannahberner #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino =========================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey COOK UNITY Fresh, Ready Made Meals! 50% off your order https://cookunity.com/whiskey HARRYS GET YOUR $13 TRIAL SET FOR ONLY $3 https://harrys.com/whiskey USE PROMO CODE: WHISKEY ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. I guess today's one of my favorite people on Earth.

I say that from, I guess what I mean. And once again, today it is early in the AM with Hannah Burner. I'm so happy to be here. What a name, by the way. You like it? Burner AM with Hannah Burner. I'm so happy to be here. What a name, by the way. You like it? Burner. Yeah. Burner.

But you have to go B-E-R. Yeah, but it sounds like a rapper. It's taking years off my life. Hannah B., Hannah Burner. Grab my burner phone. HB represent from Brooklyn, New York. Shout out to the block. HB from Brooklyn, New York.

You're married now. It's not part of my brand. Look at the ice on your finger. Me being married's not part of my brand Look at the ice on your finger Me being married is not part of my brand No you don't want to even talk about it I don't talk about it Good we won't It's not interesting

I'm like a dude comic People don't know I'm married Yeah well you know what it is I think it's the part of anonymity That's nice about There's one thing we're allowed to have If you have like a wife or a husband or kids And you just like are like I don't want people to fucking See all that shit That's one thing we're allowed to have. If you have like a wife or a husband or kids and you just like are like, I don't want people to fucking see all that shit.

That's my thing. Yeah, like I'll go on stage and say them like why it's so hard for me to come in a certain position. But if you ask about like what I did last night with my husband, I'm like, okay. Yeah. Okay. Relax. Let's fucking have some boundaries. I'm talking about what we're watching on Netflix, dude.

Slow down. Do you do this thing where Does he get mad because you travel Does he get mad if you watch a show without him That is so funny you brought that up Because when you said that The only cheating that I know of that goes down in my home Is shows

Is when I go What why is that Or he like isn't laughing at something I'm like oh you saw this already And he'll always admit to it. I'm like, oh, you saw this already? And he'll always admit to it. But I don't get as mad because then I can look at my phone and he won't get mad at me because he watched it already. Oh, yeah.

I mean, honestly, as comics, we don't spend that much time together. So when we have our show, it's pretty religious. It's like this is our time together. Yeah, what was your show recently? Did you do Baby Reindeer? Oh, my God. That was so good. It's like one of the best shows together. Yeah, what was your show recently? Did you do Baby Reindeer? Oh, my God. That was so good. It's like one of the best shows I've ever seen in my life.

Episode four, obviously aggressive, was the best episode of television. So dark. Besides all your ones on beef. And Dave. And those. No, those were whatever. I don't know. This was a really good show.

To see the male perspective of getting... Ard. Yes. Yeah, it's really weird. It was so fascinating. It was fascinating. It was important. It was beautiful. It was nuanced. But the first... We almost stopped after the first three episodes. I'm like, I get it.

She's fucking stalking him. I get it. No, but I know what you mean. I got into a little bit of a rhythm where I was like, I don't know if I want to watch this anymore. Just because it also made me feel that what the kids say, be ick. I got the ick. I just felt yucky. I was like, I don't want to watch this.

I was on another podcast and they asked me what gives me the ick. I'm going to blow my brains out. Actually, that's what gives me the ick. Grown men saying the word ick. It gave me a feeling of just such discomfort. I was like, I don't want to. I didn't like it. I couldn't stand it. Just like the...

this people-pleasing upset... I feel like I do this a lot, where I people-please, and I'm like... Sometimes your people-pleasing leads you down a road of people assuming, you know, kindness for weakness. And in this instance, it was kindness for love, which is crazy.

The misinterpretation. Yeah, and you do play a part in it. I'm such a people pleaser like that. You'll do anything for everybody all the time. A thousand percent. We got to stop that. A thousand percent. No, we got to cut it out for real. Because I want to be, I'm nice, you know?

Yeah, but it's almost not nice. Being a people pleaser is almost not nice. But it's funny. I love watching really creepy, fucked up stuff like that because it's life is about perspective and i'm always like my day could have been worse i said yes to a coffee date that i didn't want to go on this guy's getting fucking stalked for eight years or whatever yeah you made a lot of documentaries i'm like i had a fucking great day you'll get through that latte yeah yeah you'll get you'll be able to leave and go do something else are you

are you doing this thing in la when everyone I was talking to Stav about this last night taking a lot of meetings that you didn't really want to take do you do that do you come into town and you're like I'm gonna do all these meetings I came in manager free for the first time ever to LA did you pick one up while you were here so you get some gum on your shoe I'm feeling like an NBA free agent like I'm walking around but um what am I going to do? Say no to people's faces when they're asking me for a meeting? So I say yes. And then I go back to my agent. I go can you tell them that I got a stomach

virus? So I'm saying everyone thinks I signed with them. I have five managers right now. Whoa! You're killing it. Wait till the auditions roll in. But also I want to be liked. So like the second someone's like hey we think you're really funny. I'm like god these people have great taste. Great taste.

It's like, you know, when you don't really fuck with someone, but you find out they think you're hot or they think you're cool. They're not that. They're kind of cool. Yeah. Yeah. You know, I always compare it to the way that my agents talk about projects when they're like this. I don't think this thing is right for you. And then if I go, I kind of like it. They go they go you know it could be actually really good you guys are such fucking

phonies you're the biggest do you ever test your agents and say something horrible idea just to see how they'll act all the time what do you mean i pitch him constantly yeah because i just want to hear if he's like listening also like last night at gilly's thing it's like a billion agents and managers and uh it just it's so funny agents and managers look yeah i'm dumping on you right now they're not even listening who cares yeah we're in full industry well i know we'll get out of it but i just had to say they they look like they all go to these things looking like someone who it's like if a robot was like they were like you got to look like an agent tonight at the thing they're ai executives yeah they look like they're supposed

to look it's like brown leather jacket or black leather jacket i mean it's and then we're comics so like we're disgusting and they're treating us like we bring value but it is weird because we're we're entrepreneurs in a way yes we are so it's kind of like Shark Tank where they're like we want 10% of your business and we're gonna do this for it. But we're almost not gonna offer you shit. But we're gonna make you feel like you don't deserve anything and you're not good enough. We're gonna drag you to the mud and if

anybody hates you, we'll get rid of you real fast. Honestly, any manager that was like, oh, we're busy this week. I'm like, I want them. They're too busy for me. But it's not true. But we've had some fun events this week and yeah, I didn them. Yeah. They're too busy for me. But it's not true. But we've had some fun events this week. And yeah, I didn't see you at the golf until we had this golf charity. Yeah, where were you? So they put me in the front to do some funny interviews.

And they were like, we don't know if anyone's going to stop. Just hang out. I would have stopped. I didn't see you. We played, for people that were out of context, but we played Netflix at a golf event at Riv, which is a very nice golf course here in Los Angeles. And then I saw you from afar. And it's crazy, just all these famous people.

So I'm like, I'm not going to trip over Cat Williams and piss off Rob Lowe just to get to Santino. I think that's the move, really. For him to just be like, oh, yeah, sorry. Hi to see you. No, I would have said, what's up? Cat Williams showed up, by the way, with a— He looked like a Power Ranger. He showed up with a condo worth of jewelry

on his neck. This guy. He looked amazing and he also had a golf cart following him, just of cigars. Security and cigars. Cigars. He was playing with David Spade. It was just cigars. Blondes. Blondes, cigars. I ended up interviewing him.

Cat? And he's like this sounds weird, but he's the reason I got into comedy. Cat Williams? Cat Williams. You guys are the same kind of comic. We're the same person. And people see me, they go. You look alike.

Yes. I go, is that Cat or is that Hannah? And when he did the Every Day I'm Hustling start of his special. So good. To this day, besides yours, I think it was the best start to any special. Yeah. Every day I'm like oh stop that so i i say that to him and he immediately kind of calms down he's like this girl she knows what

she's talking about i'm like i know and i asked him some question about golf rules like i was like do you what golf rule do you think is stupid and he starts going on this long tangent like rules are just a crazy thing rules i can I can do like 10% of impressions. Yeah, yeah. That was not it. You're like, I think that. So he does this whole thing about rules. And in my head, I'm like, okay, this is your chance.

I think there's a funny moment here. And I go, why do I feel like you don't know any golf rules with that answer? And he pauses. And I'm like, how's he going to react? And he goes, it takes a genius to know a genius. And I go Cat Williams just buried me

and he starts dancing we start singing he's calling me Ebony and Ivory so we're married you're linked we're married this is it

so Cat Williams is your not so sneaky link now yes public dude public I just exposed my shit with Cat Williams

no Cat Williams he was so kind and he loves golf which is yeah he's a big golfer apparently but I saw he was playing with Blake Griffin. He doesn't really follow through. Nah.

Who needs to follow through? Make contact and quit. In golf or any of these stories. He's like, I read 30,000 books in my lifetime. You're like, it's fucking impossible. This dude is the funniest dude. He's exposing the business, but also making up the most grandiose lies on earth. Well, that's the problem. It's hilarious. like one truth has really caused a lot of issues yeah

it's like 50 lies one truth and you're like listen to the listen to the truth in this cat he was up he was up he was he would he would hit from the up up tees you know and i heard that he like turned around and someone's like cat we gotta go back here he's like they don't award you anything special for hitting it from far back there. It's actually very true. It is true. He's like, you can hit from any T's. I was like, you know what?

That is fact. I love how he's inventing his own rules. And I'm not going to tell Cat Williams to do anything different. He can do whatever he wants, man. I actually grew up playing. I've been golfing since I was like seven. Can you play? Are you really good?

I don't know. So in my heyday, I had a 15 handicap okay so like but it's more so like i have a my swing looks good because you're because you were a tennis player so you've got that the tennis i have the hand eye but i also when you start playing at a young age like you have the technique like you know those guys who are so good but you could tell they started at 40 yeah and they're like holding it backwards but it always goes straight and perfect oh yeah i look great i played with those guys but it's 50 50 oh right and i had that mistake where my first drive was like beautiful and everyone was like

oh she's fucking good i'm like no you guys that was like a 20 chance great fluke though great fluke i should have quit there yeah but um no i love i love golf i play golf with my husband and i on our second date i shot an eagle which was the the gods rack it up is he good can he play golf yeah he's good he's good he's like maybe 10 it's pretty good i don't want to fuck it up i'm sorry if i got your handicap wrong yeah he's at home right now pissed yeah he's never gonna hear this he's fine this thing i'm with an older man and what i love about it is he's tired yeah because he's 74 75 75 in may 75 in may cute he's but you know young soul that's what the guys say right yeah young soul old face yeah yeah but he but no so handsome and the thing is he just like i joke like he's i win the arguments because he's like yeah whatever you want i'm tired like there's no drama he's, I win the arguments because he's like, yeah, whatever you want. I'm tired.

Like there's no drama. He's just, he's sleeping. Easy going. Easy going. And like these young guys, like they're trying to like. You can't keep up. But they're peeing everywhere. They're untrained.

Like I'm not, I don't have time to train. I want a full cooked man that's done and deteriorating. And then I can be me. And he can like handle it you know and when he dies that life insurance is gonna be good baby I mean it's all lined up I just took out a policy I said to my old lady I said dude I'm worth

so much dead you can't wait till I die I say like dating guys is like dogs like yeah the puppy's really cute but like you like pet him once and his little red pecker comes out and you're like okay like it's fucking Monday it it's 8 a.m., everyone calm down. And the older guys, they're just,

they sit, they're not going to jump on your couch, they've been yelled at. The girls have put the work in before me, and I say thank you. Yeah, God bless all the women that did all the jobs that you didn't want to do. Exactly. So yeah, it's been pretty peaceful, marriage.

That's so nice. I'm so happy to hear that You're settled down now Because at one point You were fucking everybody in Manhattan No, I'm kidding It's funny though Because I got in

By the time I was in comedy I really have been married most of the time I've been in comedy Which I think helped my career Because I've been able to be focused Yeah, there's no wandering thoughts And I also think women do better in comedy when you don't care about the male gaze. Like if you're on stage worrying about

if that guy thinks you're hot or if you said something awkward before where I'm a little like, look, I'm an old married hack. You know, like I don't give a fuck. So you focus on yourself more. When did you start this? When did you start doing your like woman on the street

interview show thank you for bringing this up because i have some surprises for you yeah um i called han on the street but that's great i just don't know it's always called man on the street but i was like it's woman on the street yeah whoa man on the street yeah you know what it was i was spending so much time at the stand like you'll have three spots and you're there for like four hours and you're just shooting, like, four hours, and you're just shooting the shit with, like, really funny people. Yeah. And I was sitting in the car once, and I was like,

I think I want to ask these dudes, like, questions they don't always get asked. And because I'm friends with them, it's, like, because I love, I'm obsessed with, like, connecting, like, the male and woman culture yeah because i feel like people don't have conversations enough and it's like a middle school dance a lot of the time and i'm like i want the men to know more about the girls and i want the girls to understand the guys you know i'm trying to solve the world okay and my god you're doing it it's you know it's difficult it's difficult move over israel palest. The burner's got this thing locked. I got this shit.

Give me a question. I want to hear it. What do we got? I actually prepared in the Uber coming over. Oh, that's so wonderful. But I started asking these guys outside and then the videos just started flying and I started having, it was very fun. It's killing.

I'm so happy to see you. I was happy to see you doing it because it was like, and the, I don't know if there's a real word, but the virality of it all, like the movement through the internet is awesome to see because you're like, these are great clips and they're so shareable. Thank you. So I was like, this is wonderful. I'm also, I'm. Are you doing it alone or is somebody doing it with you? So I had Pat Sama, who was my video guy.

And I'm like, people don't know, but I'm like an editing nerd. You cut your own stuff? I love editing. Wow. It's because I started as like just making funny videos online. Yeah. So I'd get all these clips of the guys and I'd be like, don't even try to make me laugh.

I'm going to cut it up and just be yourself. It's the back-to-back answers that can make it really funny. Then there's these guys who were like, open my comics, who are so funny, who then started to get some traction online. I feel connected to all of them. I'm a pimp.

Are you making money on these young ass hoes? Yeah, motherfucker. Pay up, ho. They come to me, they know what's up. Give me $5 out of that $10 spot you just got in Brooklyn. You can't afford to get home. Yeah, too bad, dude. Walk. Figured out Swim the Hudson. Walk and go get me cheesecake. Diddy drop. Whoops. Whoops. Whoopsie. So I have, okay, I have some questions that I've asked in these videos that I want to ask you. Yeah, yeah, let's do it. What do you think about when you don't want to come fast? Oh, God, I never have that problem.

I want to get out of there as fast as I can. We have stuff to do. We got to clean the house. I have to take the dog out. Yeah. Did we do the dishwasher? Yeah. Did we load it right?

Yeah. What do I think about if I don't? But as you're older, doesn't it take a little more? Honestly, we're still good. Like, we still hum at the same vibration. Wow. So, like, I think, like, there's never a time when I'm like, oh, I need to be lasting longer. Because most of the time, I always take care of before I get mine.

Okay, humble brag. I feed before I eat. I always feed before I eat. brag. I feed before I eat. I always feed before I eat. Yes. I feed before I eat. You're trained. But you're a well-trained older man. I always feed before I eat.

I never, ever eat first. You always serve somebody else. And everyone's happier at the end. 100%. That way, if I've already knocked it out with her, then it doesn't matter my speed. So I don't even have this problem. But I imagine when I was single and younger, what would do honestly what i think about it wasn't like baseball or

anything you know that's like a typical they're like my grandma my grandma which is yeah which made me come on me i think i used to think about when i was trying to hold out was like um not like anything honestly like uh uh errands or like anything but like i schedule if i thought about what i had to do during the day yeah it blanks you out of having sex gives you that immediate anxiety of like oh fuck did i forget this yeah when did it how am i gonna get make it to that side of town my my favorite answer was 9-11 some guy just again makes me come tower tower too. And so I love asking that question because girls, it's the opposite.

It's like, how do we find a way to cum in this new bedroom we've never been to? And like, is there a stain on his... Okay, what's going... Am I going to get murdered? But you're like, let's try to cum in this moment. And so it's a beautiful like... Yeah, you're speeding up. We're slowing down.

Exactly. And that's why these trains are crossing at different times. And that's why there's chaos in these streets. But like I said to these guys listening, feed somebody before you eat. Yes. Serve before you take yourself. And then it feels better for you. Yeah.

Pour someone else a drink before you pour your own. Okay. You know what I mean? I always joke. I need like the temperature to be perfect. My legs have to be straight. I have to have no emails on my phone. Everything has to be fucking. That's the only way you can nut My legs have to be straight. I have to have no emails on my phone. Everything has to be fucking...

That's the only way you can nut? Well, like, for girls, there's something... Like, if you're breathing, it's like, there's a very nuanced mental thing

that comes with the woman orgasming. You guys are fucking lunatics. There's too much going on up here. I mean... This is why it's good to be dumb. When you're like,

women are smarter than men. Sure. A hundred percent. But at least we we get there quicker. It's great. Yeah, I wish I could shut my fucking brain off. Well, dude, fucking get some CTE. Go knock your head against the wall a couple of times.

I literally thought about Gronk when you were talking about him. I'm like, that man is at peace. Yeah, the happiest guy I know. That man is the happiest guy. Yeah. Couldn't be happier. Rich. You know what I mean?

I was at the roast. It's like rich, retired, hanging, champion. Rich, retired. You say it. The word's back. Champion. Champion. Champion.

Champion. He's a sweetheart. Well, I saw him after the roast. And I'm very like, people be like, do you want to meet that person? I'm like, absolutely not. I don't want to ruin my night. Yeah, I almost never want to meet him. But I was with like a pretty girl and she was like, let's do it.

And I was like, I'll stand back. And then he made eye contact with me and I was like, I think you're smart. And he didn't even laugh. Like he was like let's do it and i was like i'll stand back and then he made eye contact with me and i was like i think you're smart and he he didn't even laugh like he was like thanks and i'm like oh he doesn't no he doesn't yeah he didn't gronk a donk i love that was a cte awareness event that was super important yeah i don't want to get too deep into it because i was like even with brady i was like what is this is what for me it was wild sam j got all mad at me because i was like it's wild to hear him cuss so much and someone was like he cusses all the time didn't you ever see that documentary they did and i was like i know but cussing looks better coming out of an ugly mouth than a pretty mouth you know what i mean you can't have both no you can't have an edge to you and i can cuss yeah i look like a guy yeah tom brady's like a he

that is an adonis it was funny like when sagura they were calling him a serial killer because he a hot guy cursing you're like who hurt you because you've had everything easy yeah you're all good why are you acting like you're upset about something i know i look i get it i mean i'm sure he cusses he's an adult but it's just weird to see somebody so like um it's weird to see somebody so tied up cuss you know like do you know what I mean well I also

I also have a theory that like like he doesn't eat nightshades you know what I'm saying I have the theory that the most successful people are like the saddest maybe that's what helps me

sleep at night some of them for sure some of them for sure but yeah I was I went to the roast and I had watched the documentary so I was like

all in the drama I was like oh Belichick was so he was being fun Belichick was so he was being fun. Belichick honestly zaddy. Yeah. Like zaddy. Get in line lady. Sit on his lap. He might leave your house at Florida at four in the morning or whatever. They caught him on the

ring camera. I know. Overall I had a really good time. It would look good. It looked good from afar. It could have gone much worse. I was in Phoenix and I was like flying back and I thought oh man I kind of wish I was there. But then I realized the hubbub of that many people. I'm like, anxiety.

No, it's true. My social battery is like at zero. Yeah, you're drained. I'm better one-on-one. Yeah, this is way easier. In a group, I'm like, when do I speak? Am I doing too much? Do you want me to sit back?

Yeah. I usually just disappear and get on my phone and play Sudoku. That's fucking good. That's my favorite thing in the world. I'm very into it. Whenever I'm like, I got to get out of here, I'm going to go play Sudoku That's fucking good That's my favorite thing in the world Whenever I'm like I gotta get out of here I'm gonna go play Sudoku I did it last night Do you fuck with Wordle? I'm not a Wordle guy only because everybody loves it

Oh you think it's too mainstream I don't want to have a conversation with someone about it Because when someone sees me playing Sudoku Did you get the Wordle this week? Yeah no thanks Or my friends only send it to me when they like crush it in two or three And I'm like that's not a game to play See I don't want to get into this with my friends because it'll just be and I'll just be annoyed Yeah, that like they beat me to it like I would do I was busy that morning

Yeah, where Sudoku no one can be like play that one like it. No you didn't also It's numbers, so I feel smarter than I am just yeah dealing with numbers. Well now I'm such a psycho I go on expert and I try to beat it in the time that the last person did So I'm competing computer says things will do instead of going person did. So I'm competing. The computer says. The things we'll do instead of going to therapy. Oh, please, dude. I do it at therapy. She'll talk to me and I'll be like, one second.

Does it four, five, six, seven? All right, hit me with it. Oh, I got more. Oh, I love this. Are blue balls real? Interesting. It's so funny. I experienced it once when I was young didn't really understand

it i think and then it happened to me again uh as like an adult adult like in my 30s like my young 30s and i realized how detrimental it was i was actually in pain like in pain so by in pain like how uncomfortable does like a little tummy hurt you know what it feels like if you could visualize this feeling because you don't have balls but like imagine if someone all right here so let's say somebody took a rubber band and rope put it around your lips yeah put it around your lips down there and it got tighter and tighter and tighter as the day went on that's what it feels like like constriction like it's like um pain and pulling that's what it feels like okay and then would you just like go in the bathroom and jerk it yeah i had to smash one out yeah i was because it

hurts so much are you one of those it's not instant relief by the way it kind of gets there slowly but surely it feels like you know what it feels like when you have to poop but you can't you know that yes that kind of like discomfort but you're like yes i'm not in pain but it's painful it's uncomfy yeah it's uncomfortable i I think why I have fun asking that question Is because I do believe It's uncomfortable, but I also know that guys Will throw the word around willy nilly Don't give me blue balls

We literally Kissed with no tongue Like calm the fuck down That'll get me dude, that'll get you loaded up Honestly? Hot Yeah it's hot, it's hot. It's very hot. Kiss no tongue is way sexier than kiss with tongue is almost like...

A tongue will ruin it for me. I'm like, okay, you're trying hard. Yeah. Like how often you kiss your husband with a tongue. I haven't felt my wife's tongue in like 10 years. If you're making out with your significant... Your husband or wife, that's fucked up. Or you're drunk, by the way.

Whenever we have a little bit of wine, we'll start making out. Yeah, wine will get us fucked. We'll make out with wine. Sober kissing with tongue is like, what are you fucking, grow up. What are you doing? And then you're like, do I even know how to kiss?

Uh-uh. No, you forget. Well, with marriage, you kind of forget to kiss. Because kisses are always like, oh, I see it. They're always those quick, like, quick, you know, quick pecks.

Also, it's funny, like, if you hook up with someone without kissing when you're younger, you're like, am I a prostitute? Where that's just like sex when you're married. But that's almost sexier when you're young because it's like, I don't know. That felt like more passionate, quick. It was the heat of the thing. You had to.

Go, go, go. It was like the heat of the thing. Yeah, now you're older. I don't want to really smell you. I ate with you. I just ate lunch with you. You smell like me. We've become the same older i don't want to really smell you i i ate with you you know i just ate lunch with you i know you smell like me like we've become the same yeah i don't want to taste you right now yeah yeah i do have like a lot of i've been talking about how sex just looks so much cooler in movies like even the like speed up like fast like when they're ripping stuff oh please the guy like picks her up and puts her on a counter. Like that's never happened to me.

Also, like my counter is disgusting. Well, yeah. My counter is fucking soy sauce. You have soy sauce on your ass? I'm like, don't fucking put my Invisalign. This is just like sticky. Yeah, also like that counter is expensive. I'm not going to chip it.

You know what I mean? No. I'm not going to throw your ass up there and have some of the weight lean on it. I'm sturdy too. Like if he's not working out, that's going to be embarrassing for him. Like, just don't even try it. No. Also, like, I don't want people ripping my clothes.

No, I like this shirt. You know what I mean? Don't ruin it. I think the sex in film thing. Also, the end is actually more interesting. When they're done, they're always like, you know what I mean? That never is like that. Also, where do they pull a cigarette from

you just have a cigarette always have a cigarette whenever I'm done it's whenever we're done it's always um it's always like a hold on one second and then this like to get like the slowly get out of it you know my favorite is yeah wherever I'm laying I have to awkwardly roll over and then like walk so things don't drip. We're still not trying to have a kid right now. Good. So we're, I'm trying to not drip.

You're trying to. And then I like forget that we fucked and I just like go into the room and start playing Wordle. There's no real. No,

there's no, it's over. When it's over, it's over. There's no end. No. Until one of us gets murdered or.

We can only hope. Look at that. Go to Mexico and surf. Freudian slip. They'll kill you. Freudian slip also yeah when they're like breaking stuff in the movies i'm always like don't fucking touch my home decor like leave my house alone yeah what do you mean and is the dog ever on the bed the dog is we okay we have a cat is the cat on the bed oh no she's our dog stays on the bed sometimes eye

contact right yeah i feel so bad we have to take her we make her get out but she's... Our dog stays on the bed sometimes. Eye contact, right? Yeah, I feel so bad. We have to take her out. We make her get out, but she's, you know, it's her room too. Yeah. Is she judging her doggie? Well, when we start hooking up, she does like a frustrated, and then she goes to the bench at the foot of the bed. She's like, mom and dad are playing with themselves now. I think she thinks at the beginning she thought someone was getting hurt, and then she realized

it was like, no, no, this is fine. My cat will just stay under the bed, and then when we finish, she'll just slowly walk out, and I'm like, I'm so sorry, Butter. I'm so sorry that you had to bring this, Butter. Butter, I'm so sorry. She's upset. Cats are paying more attention, by the way, than dogs.

Dogs just don't. They're like, oh, they're fucking. They're like, whenever you're ready to give me attention, I'm here. Yeah. I'm here, bro. Cats are judging. Cats are judging. Cats are judging. Two positions.

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And this is obviously not me being sexist But truly only a woman would be the pet psychic There's no chance there's a guy pet psychic Now I want to do a whole YouTube series of Forcing men to get a pet psychic to talk to their dog I would love to see this That would be so funny Because a guy pet psychic for a dog is like

I think he wants to fucking kick it Do you know there are There are creepy dudes who are pet psychics out there? They're always like older guys who like have an earring. And they have collections. They like collecting things. Yeah, you know these guys? Yeah. And they're always in a basement.

And you're like, where are you? Where did you find all this stuff? Also, some of those guys that collect, they have like hundred thousand dollars worth of like memorabilia and you're like caps don't you make 16 grand a year how do you have all this shit dude they're just getting loans based off their fucking toenail collection their addictions are their addictions are strong but you know what they'll retire that's like i saw a video online of a guy that's just like you know a middle amer America guy like a sweetheart worked a regular job and he had

millions of dollars in Pokemon cards millions dude because you know what he bought them when they're cheap he stored them he knew what to do and then he flipped them on the market and I'm like these are the guys that are could take over the world I want those guys to replace the like alpha male entrepreneur

fake guys those guys are going away fast. I want them to be like, if you really want to become a millionaire, find your favorite hobby, buy tons of them. Collect, collect, collect. Collect, collect, collect. Okay, next question for you. Okay. Can you explain mansplaining to me without

mansplaining? Explain mansplaining to you without mansplaining. Mansplaining explain mansplaining to you without mansplaining mansplaining is i feel like you're already mansplained it's ineptitude okay i don't know what that word means i know see and it's making me feel and that was mansplaining mansplaining is uh it's like this with my legs yeah yeah that's that's woman-splaining mansplaining without mansplaining is uh insecurity that's it that's all you have to say insecurity that was nice that's really what it is that was nice because it's a guy saying to a man

or a woman really um here's the way i feel about this but if i was more secure i wouldn't even have to tell you yeah and i feel like it happens mostly when the guy actually doesn't know about the of course and he you ever see that thing that went viral of the like professional girl golfer and some guy just started giving her tips on her swing and she was like thank you like being polite um but it's it's funny because with mansplaining i like asking that question because sometimes guys will just say something be like fuck did i mansplain but sometimes they're just actually knowledgeable about something sure so it gets like nuanced like that you always have to do it with a little like uh i think it was that's

how you have to do it you have to go I think I'm not sure I think it was the thing and then say sorry after sorry like sorry I don't know that's what girls do I say sorry after everything well you guys do that

because it's a societal bullshit thing where like you feel like you're not supposed to know stuff I'm sorry I'm on this pod right now yeah I'm sorry I'm sorry how do you feel

well actually you know it's been going around no how do i feel what was that how do i feel no it was another because you're married i know how you feel i was gonna ask how do you feel about girls farting in front of you okay this is wild show but because she doesn't oh she's one of those it would be cool if she did. Oh, wow. We just went so many directions. She just doesn't. She's just not that.

That's just not. Does she burp? Yeah, but it's never like, it's never like that. Like, but honestly. What's her nationality? Do I burp? I've never burped. See, I think about this.

I don't burp often. No. Because I don't drink soda. I have a theory that people are like more burpers or farters. Like it's like, do you puke or do i'm farty for sure i'm more gassy than burpy what's her nationality well she's an american citizen what's her ethnic background i'm not trying to kick her out of america yeah yeah what's her what are you ins what the fuck is this dude are you a fed uh swedish oh yeah swedes don't

fart they don't they don't fart they're don't fart. They don't fart. They're not allowed to. They're beautiful. They hold it in until they die. Yeah. Then they poke them. And then it goes. But like lightly. Skurgin, hurgin. That's the fart.

Skurgin. Flurgin. Is it Ricky Velez who has a bit about like when he went to Sweden or something? The person working at McDonald's was the hottest person he's ever seen. I mean anything up there for some reason they are like it's like Russia. Yeah. They're like how are all these women gorgeous in Eastern Europe? Everyone's cheekbones just fucking. Oh so pretty.

I wonder if they think the ugly person is the hot one. They're like how exotic. Yeah because they look different. That's actually really interesting. If like a kind of a haggard looking person to them is very sexy. Do you ever see the Twilight Zone episode? Look at me throwing back like a long time ago. I used to love the Twilight Zone.

They used to play it in class when the teacher was gone and the student teacher would bring in like Twilight Zone, which is kind of crazy. Yeah. But there's my favorite episode is when the girl is getting surgery on her face. And they just show this girl with wrapping around her face. And the whole time, you just hear voices around her. And they finally are like, we're going to try to fix her. And they open it up. And she's beautiful.

And then everyone goes, it didn't work. And it cuts. And everyone has pig faces. And they're like, she's hideous. Oh, I love this. And i got chills like it was just so cool and what a great idea it's basically like la no la has uh la has the uh too much work a little bit of work if you want to do it i understand but it's it's um it's like opening a wound it's like it's never gonna heal people keep doing it over and over no

I don't give a fuck if I start to look old it's over I look old already I'm 40 I've looked 40 since I was 20 you know what I mean I finally caught up to the number I always look like an older guy so no I don't care if it starts to I'm starting to gray out

it's all gonna go away everything's gonna fall out and go away and So no I don't care if it starts to I'm starting to gray out It's all gonna go away Everything's gonna fall out and go away and gray And I couldn't care less At this point a little bit of self preservation is nice Cause you just wanna feel better about yourself But I don't know Also being hot has never been important in our career No but I mean you wanna look put together

You wanna look like you care Yeah I just wanna look like a fucking You know what it is yeah it's the midwest enemy it's like when i want to go i want to go home you're presentable yeah and i want to feel like mom and dad can be like our son you know you don't want to look like a school shooter on stage wow i got my ridden house nights dude i know you got your hoodie that you show up with would you everyone's asking women right now would you rather be stuck in a forest with a man or a bear and i thought i everyone's i want to know what the men think forest with a man would you rather be stuck in a forest with a man or a bear what who's a bear who says bear every woman what do you think they're mobily like they're

gonna fucking hang out with a bear and it's not Jungle Book. It'll kill you. Every woman is saying. You'd rather be with a bear? It'll kill you immediately. No, because you just have to get big. And then they're like, no, thank you. No, it'll figure it out and then it will kill you. No, I'll be like, give me a pee-pee. And write like it's butter.

You want to get pet? Like it's your cat. Literally, I'm going to be like, we're going to be best friends and I'm going to take care of you. A man or a bear? We're going to cuddle together. It's 100% a man. Because if a man's there, oh my god he's gonna talk to you oh my god he's gonna pretend he cares what you're saying don't do this fuck you where the

bear just take me out the bear's gonna fuck you and eat you why is the bear hotter to me how tall is the bear yeah it is like six five on its when its hines are up would you rather a bear or a short man no i'm just kidding short king shout out to you guys i respect you you say that you say that but have you ever dated a guy under six feet yes for how long because he was sitting down i didn't know no i like short kings because they're closer to your pussy they can eat you out better standing up that's right yeah you don't even have to fuck you don't have to get. I once dated this huge man in college, CTE football guy, Wisconsin. I'll say his full name. I'm just kidding.

I'm past that. And he wanted me to go to Bible study with him. Cute. And I was like, you can't read, so I don't know what you're studying. Well, that's why he needed you there. He's like, what does that say? He's like, what the fuck is Jesus saying? What is he saying right now?

So that didn't work out. And then I dated the mascot. The badger. The badger, who was under six feet. But he was funny. And he was also a manager at a bar. So I was underage. What is he doing now, by the way?

He's a full family. Oh, he's doing fun. Oh, I follow him. Oh, you do? Oh, yeah. We're friends. Oh, you're cool. Because he kept being like, you talk about me on every podcast.

And I'm like, look, you were a big influence in my life. And also, when I go to Madison, everyone likes that I fucked Bucky. Yeah, to fuck the mascot is such a big deal. And mascots, they act like they're Spider-Man. Like, they're like, don't tell anyone that I'm Bucky. Oh, my God. You got it. And I'm like, you have a charity, like, ice cream social later.

Like, calm the fuck down. But there's, like, eight of them. But they don't want to get leaked. They don't want to get leaked. And there's eight of them. So I wouldn't know if it was him or not. So I'd, like, walk by and, like, is that my Bucky or is it another Bucky? So that was.

Fuck me with the mask on. He asked once and I'm like, no, I'm not being part of your little fucking story with your rose. Also, it's too fucking hot. You'll have like a fucking asthma attack. Yeah. I have to deal with it. If something happened to the pilot,

do you think you could fly the plane? No. Well, there's two pilots up there. So both of them are, are something. So they're both dead. They double suicide.

So they're always, they both shot each other. So funny. them are something? So they're both dead. They double suicide. So they're always they both shot each other. So funny. Double suicide. Yeah. Me too. Yeah. They don't even shoot each other

not double homicide they just shoot themselves. One of the guns don't work they're like mother fucker. Fuck I'll land the plane. No no chance. I mean I could crash it

really fun. Yeah. I'd crash it fun. Go down. You couldn't fly it but I could you know what's so funny though remember that guy in seattle that stole the plane he was a mechanic

do you know this guy no well you never heard the story i never met him oh my god it's incredible he stole an alaska airlines flight and um he stole a plane like off the tarmac i think he worked him in the and he literally was like oh i play flight sim at home and he could fly really really well yeah like he was doing great he was barrel rolling because flight sim they it. He could fly really, really well. He was doing great. He was barrel rolling. It's almost the exact same thing. That's how they train, right? He was talking to air traffic control. It's actually super, super wild.

For a long time. Oh, the back and forth of like, sir, you gotta... He was asking them stuff and they would tell him stuff because they wanted him to land safely and not hurt anybody. He's like, I'm not going to hurt anybody, but I'm going to hurt myself. They're like, please don't do that. Please don't crash the plane. Come on, man. He's like, I'm going to go to jail, but I'm going to hurt myself. And they're like, please don't do that. Please don't crash the plane. Like, come on, man. Like, he's like, I'm going to go to jail for the rest of my life if I do come down

there. And they're like, no, no, no. We can work something out. But, you know, he ended up nose diving it. But, dude, he flew it for a long fucking time. Like, could literally do it. So, even though I don't play Sim, I imagine you could talk your way through it. But I would crash at fun. And what do you consider

what's a fun crash to you? Find a cool place to do it. You don't want to do it in an open field. Hit a mountain or the water. That's a fun crash. Towers. Make a splash, baby. Yeah, the towers.

Towers are kind of beat. That's kind of fucking... It's kind of hack. That's kind of hack to hit another building. Been done. Boring. Yeah. Do you care about body counts no i would you do whatever you get no no because because no one's going to be truthful anyway a lot of people don't really know i think

a lot of guys don't really know yeah i think there's a lot of like halves you got a lot of halves i'm like did that one count yeah if that's like women know much more than men i think a lot of men just get lost in the matrix Of like people they hooked up with In college or whatever They have a vague number And it also depends How long you're single Like if you meet

A 30 year old person Who's been single for a while It's like you're supposed To just have sex With one person a year Yeah What are we talking about? What are we talking about?

Also Will Chamberlain Fucked like a thousand women So it's almost like He did so much That no one else Could compete It's like he fucked everybody and you're like well i'll never get to a thousand so i guess numbers are irrelevant and he's fine

i don't want to play this game yeah i don't like this he already beat everybody he beat the final boss i think he claimed one time he had 10 women in one night damn i didn't know this about him wilt the still do the big dog and it was all like in the 70s. It was like group sex parties. Yes, yes. Which I would love to bring back. Logistically, it was easier. Yeah, with like velvet around.

Because it was just cool and chill. I think that was a part of the culture. Look, there's probably a dark side of them too. But also I think that like everybody was like, it's free love, we're on acid. Who cares? You know? Have you done acid, by the way?

I can't even smoke weed. Wait, you do weed don't you know sometimes all my friends smoke like i love people who smoke weed i'll ruin the party i think melatonin is like ayahuasca like that shit fucks me up i'm so straight edge like yeah i'm an eater yeah what's your what's little guilty, what's your little bad girl meal? When I want to be naughty. Yeah. I like a burger and fries. I also eat anything Thai, Indian, sushi. But what's your place? What's your like naughty place?

Do you have a fast food naughty place? Like you a Taco Bell girl or a McDonald's girl or? I'll fuck it all up. We have this thing, Paige and I, actually Giggly Squad is our pod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see you guys on the road. Yeah.

I'll be like, I know them. We like to during the meet and greet one of us will get mcdonald's delivered to the hotel so by the time we get home it's fucking sitting what's your macdo order i let her do it oh we're like a marriage couple we're like she i she's the aesthetic she runs it but i'm eating it like she'll she'll fall asleep on one and then i eat like eight cheeseburgers finish it i finish the job i want to see a gopro in a corner of you just like in your bed don't you hate those friends though that they order all this shit and they

have like one bite and i'm like well i if it's in front of me i'm finishing it's my best friend bobby does that when we go out to dinner bobby because he you know because he i think this is his only addiction you know because he's clean he's like i'm gonna eat everything so when we go out to eat we do order usually five appetizers two or three mids and at least two main courses at least and i mean per person i mean the dope this is normal for him the dopamine hit from uh just shoving food so deep you don't feel a thing because you're on the road and you're not at home and you you're like i just wanna it's so hard to stay fit when you're just i order uber

eats from these like hotels and they'll know where oh yeah and i take a risk i'll be like let's let's get some fucking indian in missouri let's see what happens no because i don't do drugs that is my drug that's your drug you don't drink either i'll like i'll drink but not really i don't care to but like if it's someone's birthday or if it's like a celebration i'll black out but like i'm also not a functioning blackout like dude no one should be a functioning black but you know those people who i'm like they're not gonna remember this but they're putting full sentences together they're organizing plans yeah i someone else is driving the boat up there we don't know who yeah no it doesn't matter. It's the Alaska Airlines guy. Yeah, exactly.

I think I'm going to fucking fly around for a while. He barrel rolls in your mind. You're like, this is fucking wonderful. I like when I drink, I kind of lose my wit. I get a little too chill where like, I'll kind of stop talking and then I just kind of shake my butt a little and then I get sleepy. Yeah, well, yeah. Because if it's not in your personality, I think the chemicals mix right for some people to keep you running and gunning. Yeah. Like my mother falls asleep immediately. When we have drinks, she's like,

I have one glass of wine. I'm like, sometimes. But you guys, you and your husband don't have wine sex? So he's been sober since 19. Sober since 19. That sucks. We've never hooked up under the influence in any capacity. No, that's good for him.

If he needed to get sober. I just think there's something about when you and your partner get drunk or partied out, sex is hard. But when it's wine, dude, when we go to the little wine bar by our house. It doesn't make you cry? That's how I have sex. That's the only way I can have sex is if I'm bawling. That's the only wetness happening. Yeah.

Just put it down there. Wait, I love how you're like, do you want to go to the wine bar? And she's like, oh, it's about to get crazy. We love going. Because we'll have two glasses. That's it. Maybe like a cheese plate. Do you get a white or a red? Do you care if your teeth get red? I don't.

Nah, my teeth are fucking, who cares? I don't give a shit, dude. I usually only drink red. Like, you know, I don't like light wine. For some reason, I feel like it doesn't do well with me. Headachy. So any dark wine, I can do. I do think it's hard to be in a relationship where someone's sober and someone likes to party.

So I think it worked out that, like, we both love eating. But I remember there was one New Year's that I got drunk. And it wasn't even, like, a party party. It was, like, adult people talking. And I just kept kind of drinking wine. Hell yeah. And I started going up to him, like, it's like you don't even know him. And you're like, we're going to go back tonight.

And, like, it's going to have to be fun. That kind of thing and then i and i'm just like flirting with him like i've never like oh who are you i like you so we're getting back and i'm drunk the second i get back i pick up this dog we're fostering and i'm like i'm gonna socialize the dog put the dog on my chest and pass out at like nine yeah missed andy cohen missed all the crazy shit and he was just like, it's not fun. I'm not fun as a drunk. Yeah.

I was fun in my head for like 10 seconds. I was like, I'm so fucking hot right now. Well, it was fun with the dog. When I get fucked up, I do like to, I play with the dog. I love the dog so much. And full conversations with her. And then I get nose to nose with her and I stare at her and I go, you're a fucking dog. You know that?

But you fucking get me. I tell her all the time. You're a dog. You're a fucking dog. You know that? You fucking dog. My problem with're a dog You're a fucking dog You know that? You fucking dog My problem with dogs And I don't want to start drama

I came on this podcast I don't want to start drama Some of them are slutty So what? I feel like No slut shaming on this show dude I just did it I think if this dog

Is gonna get more excited To see someone else Like we're getting in a fight that night It's like your boyfriend being like Yeah I just like love meeting people I love girls Is gonna get more excited to see someone else. Like we're getting in a fight that night. It's like your boyfriend being like, Yeah, I just like love meeting people. I love girls. I love people.

And then he's like licking everyone's clit. And I'm like, can you not? I love people though. Like I think some dogs, I'm like, I could take you right now. And you would never ask where your owner is. It's kind of nice. You'd be like, this is fucking awesome. Yeah, but the detachment is nice.

Then if he runs away, it's like... He's happy somewhere. Yeah, just gotta get a new dog. I bet he's okay. Somebody else got him. Dude, my dog, anybody could... Literally anybody could steal my dog. And I mean anybody. She wants to just say hi to everybody. She's very nice. My cat only fucks with me. Well, yeah, cats are...

If someone stole her, she would commit suicide. She'd be like, bring me back to my mother. And also that maybe that says something about me because, like, I like that she fucks with me and only me. It's just you. Just me. My husband fed her for, like, seven months and now she finally is warming up to him. And they'll even, when I'm gone, she'll, like, cuddle with him. But the second I'm back, she acts like they never hooked up.

Oh, wow. She's like, I don't know. See, that's a more secretive slut. At least dogs are public sluts. True. You know that they're whores true okay cats are like afraid of their hornets they don't want you to know that she's been up to no good she's on the low well yeah she's a sneaker dude that's not good she's sneaky lincoln with your husband when you're gone fucking whore that's a real whore at least dogs are up front about it. Did you just slut shame? Your cat, for sure. Yeah, 100%. In here, we pour whiskey. I got pretty good taste when it comes to food.

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this is where I like to kind of ask shit that I feel like guys don't talk about enough. I love that you came with questions. My favorite. No, I was so excited to ask you these. No, honestly, I love this. Favorite hairstyles on a woman? Ooh. I can give you least favorite.

Okay. The pixie is just... Even if they have great bone structure? I don great bone structure it looks too young girly for me i like woman i don't like the girly haircuts it's got to look woman-y do you like the trend of ribbons or does that girly shit dude if it looks like a high school kid does that i'm out i don't what are we talking about i'm not like other male comics i would rather have you shave your head than have a pixie cut yeah i think some women with shaved head look fucking dope as shit do you care but the short little pixie thing is like i'm

a little girl it's like what the fuck it's funny because i'm being an old ass bitch the girls when they're like i'm a baby baby. I'm a baby. Yuck, yuck, yuck. Gross. Yuck me the fuck out. Yeah. I get uncomfortable when girls say daddy. I think daddy fucks me up.

I think that grosses me the fuck out. Yeah. I don't. I have, no. Call me papa. Father. Yeah. Every now and then I'll joke.

I'll be like, dad. Dad. I'm not calling anyone. Yeah, get it, dad. But I I just I throw zaddy around a lot he is a zaddy to you that's why he's zaddy but not to his face but the pics any cut that's like yeah

I just don't like the girly I don't like that in any fashion also like maintenance wise yes I keep maintained that is a uh maintenance wise yes i keep maintained that's just a that is a courtesy to your partner to keep maintained but like this bald thing and all that shit's like no fucking way i don't like that did you grow up with bush porn well yeah yeah i'm 40 man most

porn had a lot of hair when we were young yeah now it's all bald now it's like a it's a weird yeah regressive and a lot of guys they never saw the bushes so that's all bald now it's like a it's a weird regressive and a lot of guys they never saw the bushes so that's all they know it's like Twilight Zone that's so fucked I never saw it

I know they've never seen a pussy with hair yes yeah I like the big hair fan big hair fan I don't know I just think it looks

um coiffed I don't know but it looks like like uh it like reminds me like in my mind it looks like Like a It like reminds me Like in my mind It's like a Sophia Loren

How she always had this like Very like female quality of her That was like natural and sexy But also she was like A grown up She had a thick ass She had Like she was a full

Full ass woman Shout out to Sophia So bomb An icon She was so hot Do you care about Girls nails Like do you have a favorite

Nail color Ooh that's interesting. Because girls will put so much effort into their nails, and there's a joke where they'll show their boyfriend, like, do you like it? And guys are always like, yeah. Like, they've never once been like, oh my God, that is sick.

Like, that is the hottest fucking nail. I try to do the thing where, I said it to a girl last night, a friend of ours, I was like, oh, those are fucking dope. The color was like neon. And she was like, oh, you like it? And I was like, yeah. And she's like, oh, someone told me neon's out. I was like, who the fuck gives a shit? like neon and she was like really oh you like it and I was like yeah and she's like oh someone told me neon's out I was like who the fuck gives

a shit what's out what's in what's out who fucking cares it's funny but they it's all the culturally I know I get it every day it's like oh well now you have to have like a coffin shape or like an almond shape like there's so the girl this is why we're stressed there's so many options do it to each other we do just let it fly I told her I was like that's a great color I thought that looked cool it was like a neon yellow and and she was like, I know. But then it takes one cool girl like that doing it, and then tomorrow, every girl in LA is wearing neon, and suddenly neon's in. Right, but when neon goes out is what I don't like, because somebody goes, no, you're not

supposed to do that anymore. It's like, shut the fuck up. Do whatever you want. What's my favorite color, though, honestly? Yeah. Red. Guys love a red nail. It's just so hot.

And when it's matched, when it's toe, like when we go to like an event or like we're going to a thing or something and she gets like nails and hair done and all that shit for the event and it's match match, I'm always like, you're going to get it. Have you ever gotten a pedicure? Yeah, but I should get it more. Only like once in my life. Can we normalize? Oh, wait, no. Dude's getting pedicures. No, I haven't. Yeah, no, pedicure feet. i should get it more only like once in my life can we normalize oh wait no it's getting no i haven't um yeah no pedicure feet yeah yeah never manicure because pedicures it's like they basically just like it's a foot massage it's a foot massage glorified foot massage

you know when you have weird shit on your toe like they fucking cut it off i put my feet in the fish thing i did that one yes oh where they nibble on your shit yeah but i've never done my hand that's manicure i've never done i've only done feet I've done feet with her like twice maybe because she was like come with me it's fun and then I did the feet fish thing and I thought it's not really for me but it's not I feel like it would be weird if you were like this is what I've been waiting for this is for me

yeah I've been waiting my whole life for this moment how long can I keep these in here for they're like sir you have to go but I do like self care self preservation because I had an injury years ago so now like i go to pt almost every week and i go to stretch lab to get stretched i'm getting older dude but i heard stretching can change your fucking life it's the greatest thing i've ever done in my entire i'm not kidding going to going to have a professional flexologist yeah a flexologist but going to this well because it led me there through physical therapy.

I was going to a lot of physical therapy. And at some point, PT, like, you know. People say stretching is better than massage. Oh, I do both. I love it. I usually will go do like a, I'll do a sports massage. So they focus on your injury. I mean, this is old man, white guy bullshit.

No, I like this because I kind of identify as an old white man. bullshit. No, I like this because I kind of identify as an employment. But I think the self-care thing in that regard to me is when people spend money on like their nails or their hair or face stuff or whatever, this is my fix. That's the same expenditure for me. I think we should call it, it's stretching

summer. It's fucking stretching. It's a stretch summer. Some guy told me he like got taller from it. Buddy, you're still 5'8 right five eight and three quarters all right i remember i got like a massage type thing in la and she started talking like close to my face and she's she was like we're gonna do an affirmation to begin and i was like fuck and she's like you are worthy you are i said i need to get the fuck out of this place but no i the stretching not to nerd

out but as tennis players it's very important like novak djokovic is known to stretch like two hours a day yes and it's made his body he's like next level but the thing with me is i'll be like i'm gonna stretch and four seconds in i'm like i can't i can't focus i'm like this look boring no see i love it dude it feels so good you're it more. Look, when you get older. No, my lower back's already hurting. Yeah, it's going to get worse. Hey, just wait. It's going to get so much worse.

No, I need to start stretching. Wait until you get out of this. Start getting out of these chairs and it hurts. I just don't like being left with my thoughts. Maybe I'll like stretch with a. Oh, you put headphones on. Okay, good. Yeah, you can do whatever you want.

Okay, because that's insane to stretch in silence, right? Well, no. My guy, who I love, he talks to... We have conversations about bullshit. You're stretching shaman? He's hot, too, this guy. He's so good looking. It's bananas.

Every trainer's hot. Like, he's so fucking good looking. I don't want the trainers to be hot. No, no. Well, he's just a stretcher. He's not doing... We're not working out. He's just my stretcher.

My trainer is an obese, ugly, fat, old guy. Oh, good. Yeah, who smokes. You know... Hit the squat rack. But you know when the trainers are so hot and like you're fighting for your life like doing abs or whatever you're holding in a fart like you're i don't want to think like does my neck look weird if like the trainer's hot like yeah that's i want to i want to dress like adam sandler at the gym i want to dress like adam sandler every

day of my fucking life every day that guy Shout out. That guy hit the peak rich where you're like, well, I don't even have to wear real clothes now in public. I get to go back to what I wore when I was in junior high. Shorts, oversized shirts. It's like when your mom was like,

you can pick out your outfit today. Really? What if it's dirty? She's like, it's okay if it's dirty. It's Friday, do whatever you want. I know what Sandler's doing in my mind because I love that dude. He's the fucking king. I heard he's the nicest too

he's like one of the greatest dudes on planet earth helped all of his homies wow just wants to have fun he's just like a I don't know he's just like a fun fucking chill dude but I think I mean I know cause even I get free shit sent to us and like I'll just wear shit sometimes that's there I don't know

anything about it I just like it I know he has a room filled with like clothes and he's just kinda like yeah man they just sent it to me i'll just fucking grab i don't think he buys anything anymore i think he gets you you get to a point where you're just like i'll just walk in the room and grab something i do that and i'm not even like i'm nowhere near that but i'll get a free pile of stuff start a basketball shorts line and like get a collab with lebron and just like i mean all he does is wear basketball shorts hell yeah what are we talking about? I love it.

Them burner line. That burner line. That burner line. What's your skincare routine? Wish I had one, dude. It's so funny. I use night cream. I use, the only thing I do is at night I use, come on, hyaluronic acid.

Oh. Night cream that has hyaluronic acid in it that's pretty advanced is it yeah okay because it's apparent i don't know how the acid somehow is moisturizing but did your wife get you into that yeah yeah yeah she well she's tried a bunch of different times to get me on that shit on different versions of stuff and then i'll try it for like a couple of weeks and then i'll stop and i'll try i can't consistency is of weeks and then I'll stop. Consistency is insane. Most guys use just a dirty towel. Yeah, most guys are great.

No, but they're glowing. Yeah, but it's also like, it's going to get you anyway. It's going to get us. I don't know. Why are we hiding? But sometimes girls will buy everything. Like now on TikTok,

there's 14-year-olds like baby Botox. What is that? And then you get more acne because your body's like, why are you throwing all this crap on my faceold's like, baby Botox? What is that? And then you get more acne because your body's like, why are you throwing all this crap on my face? You know what's so funny? It's such an American cultural thing to be like, what's your skincare routine and what's your makeup? And I feel like then you go, you travel

sometimes and you go to parts of the world where people are like, we don't fucking wear makeup. It's insane. And they look great, by the way. Because it's how you carry yourself. It's swag. It's inside. Because what what happens inside it comes out naturally and i think then you get natural natural uh oils and vitamins and get yourself in the fucking sun i always not me but i try to have reverse body dysmorphia like i don't really look at myself in the mirror that

much and i just envision like the hottest photo i've ever taken i think i look like that all the time that's really cool like i'll be bleeding and missing a tooth and they'll be like and i'll be like i look fucking amazing i'm bombing shit right now we live in a house of mirrors we have um we have all mirrors our whole house is mirror that's very 70s i think we just we have these houses like that all mirrors well you look like him you want to see we have one uh full length that's to check the fit on the way out i think looking at yourself in the mirror too much is it's like thinking about your yourself too much it's never gonna end well what's it there's such a trick you ever do that thing where you look at yourself in the mirror one day

and you're like really bummed out you're like i don't like the way this looks this makes me look sad or i fucked out i hate that and then a day later you look at yourself you're like man i'm all pretty fucking good and like what's up with this mirror what happened what what nothing changed it's like under promise over deliver like you went in being like i'm hot and then you're like no but then you went in being like am i ugly and then you're like she's not that bad she's not that bad at all she's not i'd take her for a spin i'll take her it's not that bad. She's not that bad at all. I'd take her for a spin. I'd take her. It's not that fucking bad, dude. Okay, last one. You fucking crushed it.

You're doing amazing. And I love how I've completely hijacked the pod. I wanted it to be this way. Well, interviewing is fucking exhausting. No, but I like that you, because this is what you're doing the best right now online, is you've got your own series of questions that you've got the intrigue deep inside you.

And I like that you you try to poke around at the things that no one we're trying to talk about it, everybody. But this is the best way to do it. But and I'm like, I am interested. And OK, give it to me. OK, last one. What do men talk about when they're together? When we're together, when it's just boys? Yeah.

I mean, I know I can listen to like Shane Gis' pop, but I just want to know from you. What do men talk about? What do men talk about when they're together? So there's two versions of this. Okay. Like when we're golfing? Yeah, they're golfing eight hours and I'm like, oh, what's the deal with his girlfriend? They're like, I don't know.

And I'm like, what were you guys talking about? When we golf, usually we're talking about golf. Okay. Boring. Or we're telling jokes to each other. Yeah. Like we're talking shit and telling jokes. You're trying to get giggles.

We're just fucking. Yeah. It's just kind of like mindless. That's why we like to golf because it's meaningless. We don't have to. It doesn't have to matter. There's nothing philosophical and deep. That's why I'm jealous of men, because you guys can hang mindlessly.

When you hang with girls, like I'll meet a girl in a second. I know her entire medical history. I know every guy she's ever dated. I'm telling her who my therapist is. I'm giving her, like I know. But I guess we love that shit. It's so complex and deep. There's so much information being traded.

Yeah. It's too much. It's too much. It gets in the way of just chilling. That's why we freak out when I'm like, you don't know if he's still with his girlfriend or not. How could we? I would know the first second I see the girl.

I go, are we with him still? Do we hate him? Do we like him? What are we doing? See, this is the thing. We don't care enough. Do you want me to introduce you to someone else? Do you like this?

Are you changing your hair? I've golfed with guys for a decade. You don't know their name. I don't know. I don't. I swear to God. There's some guys. I know their nickname.

Like, I know Swanee. I actually don't know what his fucking real name is i'm not even kidding a little bit but also i'm dead fucking serious i golf with two guys i don't know their real names i know their nicknames i don't know if it's also like women have to like fully smell each other to know like are we are we in a safe space are we good where guys are a little like like guys will just sit next to each other at a comedy show and by the end be best friends yeah like they'll be like high five i'm like do you guys know each other and they're like no we're girls you have to be like are we good like see what i mean this is why you guys can't be president this whole thing no no i mean i've been thinking about it i'm kidding god jesus christ No, it's just we're so easy.

We just don't care. Do you think if women were president, there'd be less wars? Not on my watch. Or would they just be like, look, I'm not talking to Sweden. She's a fucking bitch. I'm not going to bomb her. That's so embarrassing. I'm going to talk shit about her to every single country and make them hate her.

I think any woman is diabolical enough to want to be president, which is why a woman hasn't been president because it takes some kind of evil to be that. And like weird delusion. You have to be evil. Yeah. Any man that's been president, I don't give a fuck how much you like them. They're all evil. These are evil people.

Yes. You have to be so evil to want to do that, that women aren't that evil, which is actually a compliment to women. Yeah. Women don't have that kind of, you guys have diabolical shit. You guys are gaslighting me to be like, don't run for president. Yeah, see? See what I did there? You guys shouldn't. You should gaslight me to be like, don't run for president. Yeah, see? See what I did there? You guys shouldn't.

You guys, you're too good. You're too good for it. You're better without it. Yeah. It's us, not you. It's us, not you. The fucking gold makes the chocolate taste terrible. No, it's, you know what it is?

It's almost like you guys are, women, women care about people. In a way that. And politicians shouldn't care about people. Correct. That's not what it's about. It's not what the job's about. No, you have to care about...

Power. You have to care about, like, yeah, about chess piece power moves. It's fucking gross. It's kind of like why I think more men fly planes. Because even the first concept to believe that you can fly i could take care of all these fucking people i could fucking fly but really i think girls can but no girls wakes up like yeah i'm gonna fucking learn how to fly a plane you're like okay like do it like we like to be over prepared before we do something yeah where men are really good and i think women

should learn from men of just saying yes and figuring it out where we have to be like well i've like yeah i showed up with like eight questions. I'm like, I'm going to make sure this is a good interview. Yeah, but it was good. I love that. But that helps. It's good.

That works. Yeah. I think the one I think I had two female pilots on the last flight I just took back. So hot. Well, it was a bumpy flight. No, I would be the worst pilot.

First of all, I'd be like, hi guys, I'm lost yeah no idea where i am air traffic control where the fuck are we why is there not music in the front did anyone bring snacks i'm confused i can't i don't even drive have you ever seen how boring it is in a cockpit by the way i feel so bad for them it's fucking miserable but again men like that mindless shit well you do know that have you ever read all these statistics about pilots, about like the suicide rate? Oh, it's lonely as fuck.

Oh my God, it's insane. Oh. The suicide rates of pilots is high. The depression rates. Well, suicide rates of men in general are higher. Yeah, up, up, up, up, up. Because we're the best. We're the best.

Nobody kills themselves better than us. We're number one, baby. I think any of these high pressure jobs, it takes a certain kind of, you know, not sociopathy, but it takes a certain kind of self-confidence that's a little egomaniacal to be like, I can fucking do this thing.

I'm kind of obsessed with sports. I'll watch all these interviews with Kobe and Jordan and how they handle high-pressure situations. Because I'm in a high-pressure job and I want to work on like when the moment's important mentally being prepared and like Kobe would just say the way they think is so serial killer-y yeah and that's why Tom Brady's so good it's like yeah he looks like he feels like they're like yeah I could I everything but I don't care if I ruin if everyone's mad at me, I don't care. I know what I'm here for.

Yeah, it's creepy. And I'm not going to think about the future or the past. And I was, it's, they're built a type of way. Yeah, I mean, look, they're, you must be, you must be a little off to be so on in something else. Or you just have like severe CTE and you're living life. You're floating on a cloud. Floating on a fucking high as a kite. Do you follow AB?

Do you follow Antonio Brown on Twitter? No. Really? No. You should. Okay. It's like some of the wildest shit. Hold on.

I'm going to show you. He was on my fantasy team once. Really? It was good for me. That's how I know them. Look at this. The last thing he tweeted was look two hours ago cracker of the day c-t-e-s-p-n and it's joe biden with cornrows

and smoking a joint i mean it's like does it get literally any funnier than this so his coach is just like i like your the art of twitter just gets to do your thing express yourself through memes he just gets to do i i don't know like he gets to do whatever he wants now because he's gone so deep in the he's gone so deep yeah he's so gone it's like it do you know what i mean it's almost so beautiful the fact that he's only doing this is good it's like yeah let him just post this is like when cte got so far that you're like it came all the way back around to being hilarious again you're like wow almost like when someone's like flat earth flat earth and they they say it's who am i facetiming who was i facetiming that was insane i put my phone down i face it my sister my little sister whoops no but when gronk took the glass

and threw it down shards of glass someone's eye fucking got poked out 100 and everyone was like that was great. You gotta let that guy do whatever he wants. Cause if Gronk can't smash, Gronk might kill. You know what I mean? Gronk needs meat and flesh. Pick things up. Gronk will kill. Gronk will kill. They're like, we know, we know buddy. You can't. You know

you can't. Not today. If you're good, maybe tomorrow. Are you touring right now? Are you working an hour? What are you doing? I shot my first special, and it's coming out in July. July on Netflix. July on Netflix.

And I'm in that moment where I have to start writing. Writing the new hour. Yeah. What's it called, your special? I don't know yet. Oh, you don't know? I don't know yet. You're three months away.

You have no idea no i do better under pressure like day of i'm gonna be like it's like when you're ordering at a restaurant it's done i'm only 20 minutes in cutting it it's yeah you like to go last at the restaurant you were saying right i'll go last and then i'll i'll panic order yeah patty melt something i've never had before i don't like and you can't be like, can I change it? Because that's more embarrassing. Yeah, that's true. No, but I have an idea of it, of the title.

I have an idea. You don't want to give it away. It's fine. Yeah, I'm going to keep it secret. I'm going to try to think of what I think it might be. Oh, yeah, you could guess. Burn the house down. There are a lot of burn puns.

Yeah. I actually liked your name. some reason i love food names yeah cheeseburger it was just so it's for me it was like memorable and it was a big piece of the show so i was like i don't know i just think it stood out i was like it's got to be one word or something in my mind i wanted it to be one word yeah and i always wanted to be like i was like well everybody fucking like cheeseburgers i i feel like the title either comes to you immediately or it's like very difficult i have like 400 titles in my phone that i've been like going oh mine was neil brennan actually helped me with mine because i had

originally said i was like oh i'm a cheeseburger is what it was going to be called i think i'm a yeah he was like just say cheeseburger yeah and i was like oh it's so annoying that's all it took for me to be like oh yeah i wanted to do hand solo because it's so annoying. That's all it took for me to be like, oh, yeah. I wanted to do Han Solo. Oh, that's fun. And they were like, there's legally you can't do that. And I was like, I feel like that's cute. Really? Or like if people are Googling it.

Who gives a shit? It wouldn't come up. I don't know. I wanted to call my special Taylor Swift and they were like, you cannot do that. Andrew Santino presents Taylor Swift. Taylor Swift lyrics. Yeah. It's just the search.

Andrew Santino presents Taylor's version of Andrew Santino. That I would love. I love it. In July, so watch out for the special. Yeah, and then... And where are you running? Where are you going now? So I'm retiring.

God bless. Chilling. But Giggly Squad, we have a good pod. We're going on the road in the fall, and then you're trying to come up with another hour and just creating fun content, do my thing. Watch Gley Squad. Go see them live on the road.

Go click on all of Hannah's socials. We'll put in the description. You can see it on TikTok videos galore. I'm going to Dublin, Ireland at the end of this month for the first time. To do shows? To do shows. Really?

Vicar Street and Hackney in London. Hackney. Hackney. I've never been to London, so we'll see what happens. You've never been to London? Isn't your husband fucking European? Yeah, but the Irish and the British have seen it. Trust me, I know about it.

Shout out to the Irish. Hold it down, dude. The queen's dead. The queen is dead. If people need to see you in Ireland, hannahburner.com, gotta be. I love you you I appreciate you we end the episode

the same way look in that camera right there and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode it used to be a word then it was a phrase

and whatever people want so a word or a phrase it's gonna end the episode whenever you're ready CTE in here we pour whiskey. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.