Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Ian Fidance & Jordan Jensen

Episode Date: January 3, 2025

Ian Fidance is a wild card of comedy—an offbeat powerhouse blending high-octane energy with razor-sharp wit. Hailing from Delaware and now tearing up the NYC comedy scene, Ian's quicksilver crowd work and deeply personal bits leave audiences howling. Jordan Jensen is the down-to-earth dynamo flipping stand-up comedy on its head. With her no-nonsense storytelling and killer punchlines, she blends raw honesty with a unique voice that’s earned her a spot as one of New York's rising stars. #ianandjordan #andrewsantino #whiskeyginger #podcast ============================================ Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS BIOPTIMIZERS PROMO CODE: WHISKEY 25% OFF YOUR ORDER http://bioptimizers.com/whiskey VERSO PROMO CODE: WHISKEY 15% OFF YOUR 1ST ORDER http://ver.so KIKOFF GET YOUR 1ST MONTH FOR $1 http://getkikoff.com/whiskey SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast https://twitter.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Produced and edited by Joe Faria https://www.instagram.com/itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What I wish you ginger fans welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. We got a double down for you today. It's Ian and Jordan. So happy. Love these two weirdo goofballs. They are the greatest.

Go see them live. They're all over the country. Go see me live. Hey, what's going on 2025? I'm on the road. Chicago theater, Chicago. I started off the year in Chicago, my hometown. Then I go to Durham.

Let's go Durham. I go to Charleston, South Carolina. I'm gonna be in Atlanta. I'm gonna be in San Diego, San Francisco, Philly, New York, Phoenix. I'm all over the place. And I end the tour shooting my special in Minneapolis, Minnesota.

So come on out. We added shows in Boston. We added shows in San Francisco. We added shows in Minneapolis. We added shows in San Francisco. We added shows in Minneapolis. We added shows in San Diego. We keep adding shows because you guys are the best. I really appreciate you. Go to AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.

AndrewSantino.com. In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like that. The ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a pugilist.

You owe me five dollars for the whiskey. Seventy-five dollars for the whiskey. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey. Seventy-five dollars for the whiskey. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey. You owe me five dollars for. Like bad guys, the ginger gene is a curse. Ginger's a pugilist. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Ginger's a hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. three four five six seven eight nine ten she's going to keep going twelve she's unstoppable she can't be stopped fifteen she's gonna go to a hundred I believe in her she'll be out of breath soon nineteen she's gonna hurt herself 20 we're scared damn Ian your cousins cool Wow good work Such a thing at a barbecue that someone does like my cousin dude 20 push-ups. Oh, that's fucking rad That's great. You're getting jacked from the gym, huh? Guys we're ready to go ladies and gentlemen welcome back to whiskey ginger my guest today is one of my favorite people on the same program

I mean once again today See ya Jordan Ian Jordan is your name now hi Jordan Jordan Jordan Jordanian Jordanian Jordanian welcome a Jordanian You guys go to the when you were when I saw you at the store last night you guys stay or you guys leave We left and went to smoke house ring the bell baby bing bing how good is that bread? I convinced him that the woman who walks around takes photos was a big fan of his Jordan's out of breath because she did 20 push-ups. We'll show the clip below, but that's insane

I can still see you struggling a little. No, I'm totally fine. No, you're not you're lying. No, I feel really good Go right up to the mic I can hear it. Everything's good. Did they have the fire lit at Smokehouse? The fireplace was lit? Did you not sit by the fireplace? That's my favorite. I cozy right up to it, dude. You sat in the bar area.

No, they put us in a nice booth. I asked for a corner booth. You went too crazy. Me? With your ordering. We ordered a lot. He ordered a lot. It was our Christmas. Oh we used the paytran money, so he goes crazy. How many desserts did he order? Three. Three desserts? And how many did he eat? One. No. You got the Boston cream. You ate the Boston cream. That's funny, because he usually gets the Boston cream. I never ate the other ones. Now it's a New York cream, and now it's an Echo Park cream. It's an Echo Park cream.

And we ate all the desserts. We ate all the food. Don't... It was a nice thing for us to do. Take me through your order Jordan. For the year. It was a nice... Hey, we had a good year. You're very defensive today. You gotta recalibrate. Well honestly take me through the order though. Well, I'm a little defensive because my friends are coming at me. Stuffed calamari wrapped bacon wrapped calamari. Bacon wrapped scallop. Go ahead. Calamari. Fuck me! Coming at me stuff calamari wrapped bake bacon wrap calamari bacon wraps go ahead Calamari bake fuck me Joe stuff calamari wrapped bake bacon wrap calamari Calamari bake help those chos are gonna hurt you not here. Yeah, Joe's in Boston

That's my Coney bony I know, I'm talking to, you know. Oh, that's McHoney Boney. I know, I was looking into the camera. Okay, bacon wrapped scallops. Yes. Calamari. Calamari. He got the biggest steak. I got the prime rib. Must, must, must. Amazing. That's what they do there.

Yeah, that's a prime rib steakhouse. That's literally what it says. I got filet mignon. Not what I would get there, but it's okay. I'm a woman. I know, but I wouldn't get it there. I'm a lady. Luke got a filet mignon. It was three of us

Luke yeah, and so He is a tree Love that picture together in front of the Christmas tree they had at the smokehouse and he's almost Star and I need him to come over and put up the angel on my tree. He'll come over So wait Luke Luke got a big steak too. Yeah, and then how many sides four five sides none Yeah, you got the bread I get veggies and I got the spinach which she Anything that's there I'm not saying that you order too much I mean you could order a giant buffet for for half a person and I'll eat it I'm just saying it was too much and then you got three desserts

Boston cream creme brulee and the chocolate mousse miss me with the creme brulee I know I miss me with it what does the sugary top otherwise? I'm just eating Berries it is this charted shmegma. It's shmegma in a cup. It's Shmegma in a ramekin. Well it's delicious and I'll order it every time. Well you're a Shmegma lover. You're a little Shmegma boy. Give me the Shmeg. I'll take it. Shmeg me dog. I'm Shmeg me dog. I know, I get this dude. You think you don't know, I know this pain Bobby orders

literally half the menu when we go out and finishes none of it. Not just because of the Ozempic, just because he will pick and eat and pick and eat. Yeah he has duty lost. I think he lost 15 or 14 He said really I don't know which one is real. He is a racist What did you say? What's racist? What? Pick and eat it is Pick and eat like little ones. He does though. He orders the whole menu. I eat what I order. You know He doesn't do that. He'll order taco last night. We went out to dinner last night with Stavros Get the crab legs get the tuna tartar get the the this fish, get the that fish, get the shrimp, get the this.

He doesn't eat any of it. And it's like dude, you don't need to do that. We don't. Well he did that the other night. Didn't you finish his burger? Who finished Bobby's burger the other night? I didn't even. I thought you did. No, I can't eat burgers right now. Wait, why? Did I go out to eat with you and Bobby?

We were at the cellar. You were there. Yeah, I was there. Did Laura Peek finish it? That sounds right. Yeah, she does like burgers. Oh, no. Laura Peek and I. I left. I had another spot, so I left.

And then you all hung out. Laura Peek and I got some late night donuts together in San Antonio. Isn't she the best? I love Laura Peek and any. She's so good. I have such a problem with women. Like, I have so much latent misogyny.

No, it's pretty out there. Yeah. Well, what's that called? Laten about it. I have overt misogyny. No it's pretty out there. I have overt misogyny but Laura Peek really gives me hope in my gender. One of the funniest comedians working today and she's I she comes with me on the road I split time with her in this other comic Zach Townsend. Zach Townsend so funny. Oh yeah he was with me in Denver. We had the best time. I'm bringing him to more gigs. No you can't he's mine. No I'm taking him. Yeah okay well I pay can't he's mine. No, I'm taking them. Yeah, okay

Well, I pay him more so you've got that'll be that right, right? Why don't you tell us what happened in Denver one of my favorite cities one of my favorite clubs on earth Denver Comedyworks I'm texting with Zach late night because that's what him and I do all the time We send each other memes that are very very Cuz that's what him and I do all the time we send each other memes that are very very Racially charged and another thing that he's gonna include me on he said that you guys the meme circle come through dog Yeah, I don't know if you want punch. Oh, it's bad. Wait. Do you see what I guess? Okay, dude, I'm excited racially no Alright so so Zack and I are texting I just got home to the hotel

I can't sleep home to the hotel our lives are texting. I just got home to the hotel. I can't sleep. Home to the hotel. Our lives are bad. I know, it's really sad. It honestly, it is home. It is really sad, but it is home. And then so I got back and I was laying on the couch and I was snacking on chips, texting with him,

and I was like, what are we doing? I don't know, FaceTime you. Cause this is late at night, I know he's back at the condo. And I FaceTime him. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, woo. And he goes, shh. I said, what's wrong? And he said, Ian is here with some friends. What a sweetheart. And then I said, oh Ian's home with some friends at the condo? What's going on? What are you guys doing?

You hanging out drinking? And he goes, I'll show you. And then he walks, he walks into the main area, and because people that know the Denver Comedy Works condo, has no Ceiling or no wall Don't see some in that condo sure dead where the feature room is just a coupling of skulls, and there's no you know Yeah, yeah, the skulls yeah, but there's no but the walls don't know There's a there's like a three-foot What am I supposed to do say no?

In the wall what am I supposed to do say no? There's a cutoff what you can have guests at the YMCA Baby Carter who is hosting for me sit in a parking lot while I fuck the dude well, that's rad Well, that's rad, but this I'm giving you credit by the way. Thank you. You're my friend. I love you Thank you, and he walks out and he's smiling like a little kid like a child He's just smiling me. He's just like chuckling and I dude the funniest part about it is all I hear is my boy I Don't hear them. I hear you going Dude I fucking I go go- I go- I go, hold on, shut up, I can't hear.

And all I keep hearing is like, yeah, you like that? No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no allowing yourself to say those words knowing that you were no no no He didn't know that Zack was out in the main area, but also by the way I could hear you is her is room. I could faintly hear you from his room. Yeah, you were smashing when I stay there I literally yell there was there were screams of ecstasy you just facetimed at the wrong time, okay? Yes, yeah when they were unconscious Are you still breathing I kept hearing that It was quite a time That's fucked up. Why is that fucked? I just hate hearing friends have sex

I've heard you have sex before and it is traumatizing, but you are more quiet then yeah You saying you like that is brutal. No, you misheard. Oh, bro. I don't think there are many you like that. Calling them right now. Well, they- they- Calling them right now. They- they were asking.

Honestly, dude? They were saying I don't like that. Because here's the deal. I'm not giving you shit. What's going on? I'm giving you credit. You look- McCone, what happened to the mic? I'm giving you credit.

I got it. It was incredible. That little rap scat, I mean, he didn't tell me he facetimed you He's my boy. He doesn't need to tell you shit his elite. What about you're new to this dog. He's been with me Yeah, you're a new you're new you're new ball. You're you're the substitute Hey, I'm on the pod right now with Ian and Jordan and when we facetimed at the hotel The phrase that he kept saying... Zach! You piece of shit traitor!

Zach! He kept saying my name. Zach, but he, Zach, he's saying I'm a liar. I heard multiple times him say the phrase. Just like that. Just like that. No! Just like that.

No, no, no, no, no, no. I was saying just like that because they were like, do you like that? And I go, just like that, just like that. I thought he kept saying, do you like that? Oh no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Makes it kind of worse what just like that Cuz the other way you're least you're polite no because they were enjoying their time they were like do you like this? What about that? I was like just like that yeah break me down. No don't try and say it cool by kicking your feet You were going just like that because they were sucking your cock And you're saying yeah, because you got to let them know so that they don't do some wild stuff because some girls think you want your balls Suck to the back of their throat. Yeah, no no right no No, when they do the good thing you go just like that. Can you give me the number for real?

What are the what's give me their numbers phone numbers? No, buddy. Give me their number. Oh up there Eight to ten over sevens bro. You got two over sevens two over sevens You're gonna get one six exact call up that will be mean if he says what if you said they're awful well the girls Friday the fog in the second night was back because you don't maybe that's what he's maybe that's what I heard yeah well oh interesting Friday love was another girl Friday no no but a Friday was another threesome no no threesome Thursday right one girl. Threesome Thursday, right? One girl Friday. Ian, you have to deal with this. Two girls Friday.

You have to deal with this. Hey, sorry to bother you, my friend. Just give us a quick rating of the girls in the threesome, a scale of one to 10. Give me each of them. One of them was pretty hot, and then one of them looked like Jeff Dunham's puppet with the skeleton.

Wait, so, okay, the hot one are we talking the hot ones not over a they both had dead dads and one grew up in foster care resemble that hot one wasn't over a point one and then the other one was what give me a real number one point eight one point eight that's good a That's good. You are peacocking right now. What about Friday night? What about the girl what about the girl on Friday? He said was was not not not so high on the scale It was an expensive uber between her left eye and her right eye I'll tell you that much They also resemble that remark

Oh yeah By the way, did two nights- See the fun we could be having Back to back It's not good I think it's rad Back to back is impressive Will you stop enabling him? He's a serious problem

What do you mean he's having a good time? No he's not It's consensual adults making laws. It's addiction. It's not addiction. I wasn't like, I gotta get laid or else I'm not gonna be happy. It fell into my lap and I was like, yeah, why not? Did you work for it at all? You're 40!

No. You're 40. Yeah, and you're 33! Yeah, and I have a home. And you're doing push-ups. Yeah, exactly! Shit's not good for you either, dirt nails. I'm doing great.

Oh? That dirt is from going on a hike alone today. Did you shower since then yes? I took a bath. I'll tell it to your pussy cuz it You can't make something up that isn't even real you're 40 years old fucking fatties One of them was he said we did there is proof that If she was... If her torso was longer... He is the same age as you and he's saying...

I'm not saying it because I'm married, I'm saying it because two nights in a row is impressive. Three nights? That's impressive. That's even better. If it was your son, that would be problematic. He would break his arm high-fiving him. 100%. You think it's okay to have...

I thought all my rotator cards. You think there's nothing emotionally or mentally wrong with having a threesome And then a fuck and then another threesome. I'll say this let me clear the air I'm please a single guy single guy that hold on enjoying is this consensual sex with all adults that are above age Literally legal dude. These are 30 year old women depressed a lot like a lot Yeah, but that's so many other things Yeah, I think I has anything to do with the fact that he chases this bizarre pussy It's got something to do with this and afterwards the girl's actually nice Get he's not on drugs or anything the girl texts me nice to meet you big dick made it to my truck

So I'm basically home. I said she's a trucker. Hey fun hang tight, glad you got there safe, have a good night's sleep. You're 40! We're having fun! I just got to my truck having tight puss, this is crazy. She's not on the road, she's a trucker. You can't do this, if he wants to be very successful this is going to get in his way. No chance, not if it's consensual and above board. If he's being polite to the above board.

Oh yeah fucking crazy girls, crazy girls have never said that wasn't consensual when it was. They came back Saturday after Thursday and brought a pizza And we hung out in bed and watched music videos like it's they slept over music Musicals be honest you watch music mama mia Jordan this is a this is obviously an issue. Thank you, but I'm still impressed This is obviously an issue. Thank you, but I'm still impressed When someone has a big line of coke at a party and you're like dude what the fuck but also holy shit I will be honest I was having sex with the one and then fingering the other and I while it was happening in my mind

I was like god. I wish I had a family She popped her tit my mouth and I was like, okay for now And then she popped her tit my mouth and I was like you just bro. Okay for now You know me I would love it to wipe that face off your head But by the way, you got to live these experiences before you settle down forever and he's gonna settle down at some point He's not had this much luck at this degree. Let me tell you something Also, I need you to know we're one day before I get my period okay We can tell and that the push-ups gave it away. Yeah Surge of adrenaline and how I ate that Boston cream that center first Thank I knew I know you I knew you needed to take you guys. I'll take the fillet raw

Yeah, you got it. You got it black and blue you barely. Yeah, did you eat it like that? Yeah, it was delicious. I get a rib eye black black and, but the prime rib. I like medium rare. I like medium rare I can't do black and blue is not I want blood on the plate you like a cold when you lift it up. I want the red Yeah, I want red in the middle, but I don't but I want to outside seared hard. It's got to be seared It's got but it's got obvious. It's got to be a nice crispy. No no all right anyway You're mad because you're not getting laid lately And I understand that I can get laid whenever I know you can get laid whatever you want

But you're not having it right now That's not what I'm upset about I can tell upset about is I want him to be happy and I know that if I was a nice lady and I met Him and I said, oh my god, this is a beautiful comedian who's so talented I want to get to know him and he went I fuck three whores last weekend. I would leave I run the other day that if he said well you wouldn't open with that no Close with that when she said I don't want to see you again Here's the other side of it that's healthy he is staying sober I imagine they were sober

That's not sobriety if you get addicted to the other things that are bad. They work in recovery. It's there's no people there's no addict you know that didn't supplement it with something else anyway. Push-ups. Yeah, it's not good enough. You have other addictions. Push-ups. And? Comedy. And? Boxing. And none of this is healthy. It's very healthy. Boxing, you're gonna get CTE, comedy, depression. Just so you know, when I get into boxing and I get into a level of sparring and I go, this

is hitting too much dopamine, I love this too much, I take a little chill. Well, you're better than Ian then. I haven't gotten laid since Saturday. Then you know what, you're more advanced. Can we rewind that and play it again? Hold on. You're better than Ian then. Thank you so much.

You're more advanced. Thanks. Let her have that. Let her have that. Thanks. that tell me this you're being a safe little boy though yes always absolutely safe absolutely safe I'm up on my shots I heard my tests I heard what it said what yeah just like that take it off I heard it no I use picking them off and then I had to fake an orgasm because I couldn't come and she was like let me see how much you came

And I go no, I'm old Yeah, that's a little creepy that you said that blowjob and they both took care of me at once and we girls it was very Nice, I know there was fucking a girl and he came in the condom and she took the condom off and like threw it away, right? And he was like, let me see the condom and she's like it's in the trash can and he was like, let me see and he was Worried that she stole the cum. You do know this is a thing that's happened before. To who? People have gotten pregnant by stealing Oh, yeah, didn't Drake like put hot sauce in his condoms or something? Yeah, he would do that to kill it. And then a woman put the hot sauce Oh my god back and like to them. That's crazy. That's how this it's funny She sued him for her trying to steal sperm from him, which is insane. That's like the

Cobb's that's like the episode of cops on that woman calls the police because someone sold $20 and they're like What'd you steal the $20 where she's like for crack and they go? Oh, you're addicted to crack. She goes. No, I'm a prostitute where she's like, for crack, and they go, oh, you're addicted to crack? She goes, no, I'm a prostitute. Get it right, officer. That's so cool. What a good idea if you're a poor black, and you stuff it.

Person? Person. And you stuff come in there that's Drake's, and then you're like, sorry, I guess it slipped through the condom walls or whatever. You just have infinite money forever. But this is a real thing, people do steal. So you can look this up, this is a real thing people do steal So you can look this up. There's a real thing

There are many cases where people steal sperm from condoms and then pregnant themselves with it because the cum still lives in there for a while Refused to show my friend the condom because she was so offended by this so that became this that's why I put my babies on my belly Little swimming hole huh it's called sperm stashing sperm stashing. Oh my god Take a deep breath in. Little breath out. Pause for a moment. And allow yourself 30 seconds of stillness. Breathe with me.

Gently close your eyes if you can. If you're driving, please don't do that. Breathe in deeply, hold it in, exhale, release the tension. Feel the tension fall from your shoulders and your neck. Let the soothing calmness envelop you, like sinking into a warm bath after a long day. Sink down, baby, sink down low. Sigh. Does that feel good? You want to

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and take control of your health before the FDA and Big Pharma take it out of your hands. Wow. Look at this, there it out of your hands. Wow. Look at this, there's a whole, I love- That's what they call McCone's mustache. Mustache. I love new terms. There was a couple of new terms coming out of Utah

that I just learned the other day. There was a zipper ripping. Is it called zipper ripping? What is that? You know, these are all new ways for them to avoid having sex, but actually having sex. You know what I mean? Like, you know what soaking is.

Soaking. I know, but they got a new one's called, it's called zipper ripping or zipper something look up zipper Mormon Mormon is soaking you put it in What in and don't move right cuz someone told me soaking was hands up don't move no Soaking is put it in and then there's a bouncer and then yeah the friend bounces No, the friend goes under the bed and pushes up. That's the move they say oh, I thought they jumped on the bed Yeah, but it's better if they're underneath and you don't see them. Do you know what I mean?

That's respectful. Otherwise they're on the bed with you. What's the Mormon zipper thing? Would you help me bounce? No. I'm trying to find it. Did you find my zipper stuff? It's Mormon zipper stuff.

I can't find zipper ripping. It's not the right turn. It's something, zipper something else. Look up Mormon zipper. Don't say it. What? Whatever you're doing. Oh don't use your computer man. She's obsessed with her computer man.

No, what do you call you call chat GBT Bishop? I named mine Bishop why are you so obsessed with chat GBT you want to see why don't use computer man? Let me see she's been using them all day. Let's see. Hi Bishop. I have a question So my friend is here and he's saying he learned a new Mormon term that has something to do a zipper Ripping or something. It's related to like the sexuality of Mormons. Do you have anything on that? Hi there It sounds like your friend might be referring to the concept of garment Rending or ripping which is often discussed in the context of more dudes in a ds

sexuality in the LDS Latter-day Saints faith, members often wear temple garments, which are a type of sacred underwear. This isn't it. This isn't it. That's not it. It might be used informally. So what, so you're-

Bishop, he's saying that's not right. It's that we have to do a zipper. It's like along the same lines as, you know what soaking is, how they put the penis in the vagina? Are you even allowed to talk about that stuff? We've never gotten sexual. I'm here to help with any questions you have from what you've described it sounds like your

friend might be referring to a practice called jump humping this involves a couple in a bed with someone else jumping on the bed no that's jump humping that's what we talked about before it's all right do you know what that love you too what is his name Gerard Bishop same hey hey Bishop no don't listen to him, Bishop. Goodbye. Can you, Bishop, can you just say Ian's an alright guy? Hey there. Ian sounds like a perfectly alright guy to me. Perfectly alright.

I'm here to help you have any more questions. It's Ian Fydans talking and that's Andrew Santino. You know Andrew Santino, don't you? Don't! I'm familiar with Andrew Santino. He's a comedian and actor. I enjoy his humor How can I help with your conversation today? I like you man Honestly, this is the demise we are going that's what I was saying on the way here That's what I was saying on the way here because it's so comfortable right away. I do enjoy it right I talked to him for an hour today trying to set venues

Because it's so comfortable. Right away, I do enjoy it. Right away. I talked to him for an hour today, trying to decide venues. She, see, you need a friend. And he was... You can't just go to technology. I went to my friends, I exhausted them.

That is true. I know, but that's the point of being a friend because then you're supposed to go, oh, I'm exhausting, I should fix this. And that, you need the humanity of a conversation. It's talking out loud. Do you ever talk out loud to yourself? Yes, but...

Do you ever catch yourself talking out loud and then you get a little scared? No. Oh yeah. I'll talk to myself and then I'll be in the shower and be like, oh, and then I'll stop and be like, how long have I been doing that? No. I get scared if I've been doing it for too long. Because then I think that's how you fall into the, like in the Alzheimer's Parkinson's world, that they just fell into it because of years of talking to themselves. And then you don't even know you were doing it. What about when people walk and you see them like, and I'm like, I know you were doing it. What about when people walk and you see them like And I'm like, I know you're winning the argument that you're oh that is them doing I should have said this to like their ex I said to my I said to my wife

I pulled up to the stuck in traffic at the bus stop this big homeless dude and I'm like, ah fucked is a homeless guy Screaming at people again and she goes, oh man, then I go. Oh, no, he's singing Yeah, and she goes oh shit and, oh no, he's singing. And she goes, oh shit, and I go, no, he's definitely screaming again. Because for a second he was like this and then he was like, oh beautiful. Dude, I was going down in the subway, like second half subway and there was this homeless woman

that I would see all the time and she was singing, she was like, I shot the sheriff and I wanted to sing along cuz I was in a good mood and I know but I did not shoot the Deputy to sing at the same time with her and as I was singing that she went But I did not shoot the dog. I didn't shoot the dog shoot the dog! Did not shoot the dog! Wop wop wop wop! No dog! And I was like, oh no! I like how she's half insane. She still loves the song, but she's like, I can't get all the way through it without that traumatic event of killing my neighbor's dog. I didn't shoot the dog! I haven't been on the New York subway in a long time, because the last time did not have a good time. What happened? My buddy lives, oh he's not there anymore, but the last time did not have a good time. What happened?

My buddy lives, well he's not there anymore, but the last couple of times I would stay in Williamsburg a while ago and I would take that L into the city and I was coming back late at night and I was like I can't do this anymore. This feels a little. It gets scary. It got a little like...

This guy could just kill me for no reason. Like, and they look vulnerable and sad and like angry. A lot of them are on K2. K2, a little bit of K2 running through their fucking bones. Synthetic weed, not good. So I just get nervous when I see people on the train late at night looking fucking like Should I do it now? Oh?

Yeah, you know I mean like they're just clocking when they should do whatever the fuck they have No, so I got I saw I was like I don't think I'm gonna do it anymore I think I just can't do it. I don't know why I shouldn't do it no, but I mean there is something so beautiful It's so nice. Just do it before midnight. That's what I do. I always take the train with us We're always whenever I'm there. I'm always out pet so late Yeah, I don't have a choice over in or sorry train in uber home. That's my room I take a train in uber home cabs are cheap because cab is also romantic Yeah, I also think we should support cabbies more. I do the uber game has gotten out of control

What do you call it where you go? Don't be herky-jerky? They're so fucking herky-jerky You mean with the gas? So sick. Is that something about the vehicles or is that them? Well, it happens worse in electric vehicles. When they drive electric, this thing happens more often. Gas, not as much, but that bothers the shit out of me when it's like, woo.

But it's, cabbies in particular do it. There's something wrong with their foot. I don't like it. It goes, and Ian was like, you have to get in and say, don't be herky jerky Which I've never gotten the courage to do you got to they're gonna take that in the race They're gonna think that's racist. Yeah, they're gonna say Why do you mean herky jerky man?

I got out of a cab once cuz he fell asleep at a red light And I got out he goes what are you doing? And I said you just fell asleep man He was like you have to pay me and I was like I'm not paying you dude. You know I fell asleep I got a guy that He said I wasn't sleeping my eyes were closed I got into an accident in a cab and then I got just it was a fender-bender But then I just got out and walked away cuz there's only four more blocks, and I thought oh, that's pretty great I got a free ride for like eight blocks

Because he was like wait wait well hold on and I was like no You know I mean like I already it's over. Yeah, this is on you you hit somebody. I will walk I don't want to be here for any of this shit fuck you also the city pays for all that they're fine Jake who opens for me used to live in the Bronx, and he said listen how fun this sounds he lives in the Bronx They would all get in the cab and then they would I forget what it's called cab bitch or whatever and they'd get to the end and then they would all like But he said like the feeling of up until the point where they're meeting there where they're getting to their destination They were just like shaking. I've done it a few times

Oh, yeah when I was young in London, I did it one time, or no, we were in, yeah no, we were in London, my buddy Travis came down to see me, we didn't have any fucking money, we got in the cab and it did hit us, I was like, wait, do you really not have any money? He's like, put on your money. And this was in college, so it wasn't like tap to pay. Yeah. It was like, you need cash. And the whole time he was like, alright dude, you got it, we are gonna book it.

I was like, dude, I don't wanna, he's like, you don't have a choice, dude. We have to fucking, we have no fucking money. What are we gonna do? Like, work it off with this guy? Yeah. I was like, okay. And we were so anxious, like, giddy little kids waiting, and the moment it happened, he goes, NOW! And we open the door, and I'm like, running, and we're both laughing. AHAHAHAHAHA! By the way, I turn around once, Cab just rolled away like nothing happened. Didn't care.

Oh my god. He was like, ah, fucking dickhead kids. Oh my god. But in London, in London, I feel like, you know. That's so fun. Dude, years ago, this woman, I was working in a restaurant on the Lower East Side, I'm outside smoking a cigarette, it's like 2 a.m., everything's kind of shutting down. This woman is running down the street going, help, help. And this black guy's chasing her and he's going, get back here, bitch, get back here, bitch.

Give me that money. And I'm like, oh my God, oh my God, this guy's gonna rob her. She runs across the street. I go get in the restaurant. She runs in. The guy is running down the street and she had another friend.

He caught up to her. He goes to grab her and I run up and I tackle him and he goes on the ground, I push him, like tackle, push him on the wall, he slumps down, and I'm like, go, get out of here! And the woman's like, uh, uh, and she just runs, and the guy's like, what'd you do? They stole from me! And I was like, what? He was a cab driver, and they ran out of the cab. And I was like, oh no! I'll never forget. They stole from me. I was like, I'm so sorry.

You did what you thought was right. You gotta try. You failed miserably. I would be too scared. One time I tried to run away. The cops came to it. I stole liquor. I always had a dream of stealing. Going to a liquor store and just like taking Yeah, I had it and never the guy saw me and he grabbed me and he like had he was like holding me

And then my friend came out of no, and I was like dude take me I get it I'll pay you whatever get it and my friend And my friend came out of nowhere and tackled the guy and went run and I had just bought these new cowboy boots And I got like four feet like oh And then the cops like it was like get on the ground I was like I'm going in getting it. Running in cowboy boots is so dumb. You look like such a child. I used to see, in puffy coats we used to go to this liquor store by my school and I used to have winter jackets and I would tuck bottles of fifths down my arms and walk out like that. We had one kid where they for years it

was like every party you went to he got the beer he stole it from Wegmans and then finally they pulled him in and they go look it we've we've spent like a year accumulating this footage of you. We know what you did. And then they put him in jail and then we all had to it was like if you've ever been to a party that was thrown by him.

You have to throw in for this one. That is actually really sweet though. To show some solidarity. Yeah. I would have been like fuck that guy. To friends do. Okay Deann don't start with that dude. You want to know what friends do man? What? You want to know what friends do? Yeah tell me. You want to know what friends do? Huh. They do it just right. They do it just right. I hate both of you. They do it just like that. Just like that. When I move, you move. Just like that.

She was singing that at some point. It is really weird to hear your friend have sex. Yeah, it's kind of rad for me, because to hear it through the phone makes it funny, because I didn't have to be in the room. But it is really weird to hear your voice in sex voice. It's so fucking funny, dude. It changed my perception to you completely really he was more masculine way more masculine Yeah, and also my ex played us having sex because we used to record us sleeping because I used to talk in my sleep

And she tried to play it for Jordan because like one time in my sleep I was like who are these people no you went like this he went like this he goes full Jew in his sleep watch he goes he goes who are these people and she goes I don't know and he goes well did they pay to get in? Jesus dude. Even in your sleep you're a Jew? Yeah. Tadooka sham yam yam. But what was the other Jew thing you said remember there was a second? Oh no there was a thing where I go he's sleeping is absolutely terrifying And then she was trying to find it, but she played us having sex and Jordan no video just audio. I heard you throw all all night one night Oh, yeah, Vermont. Yeah. Yeah. Oh

We just just sleepy Jew sleepy Jew audio of you going, I forgot to turn on the weather. Oh, no. I told you, you had to carry the wand. We ended up paying too much. Just counting. 45, 46. Oh, yeah, that was Vermont.

The hotel rooms are right next to it. Yeah, yeah. Thin walls. Thin walls. Thin growing walls. I've heard so many comedians have sex because of hotel room shit. Because of sharing, like sharing hotels with people?

Yeah, I was at a festival with Jean-Marco Suresi and his girlfriend, heard him having sex, know what that's all about. Was he running bits by her while they had sex? Dude, they actually, low key, they were having sex and then as soon as they were done, they were like, anyway, I really think that this opportunity, like it went straight to business.

No, ugh. I lived with Mikey Rowland, heard him having sex. The two comedians in a big real relationship They were like anyway, I really think that this opportunity like it went no I live Comedians in a big real relationship as a crazy no he's a manager and he's a comedian you know what I mean Yeah, tagging the same business their fucking Power couple though. I mean hanging out with them. I'm like you guys got this dialed in. It's crazy Yeah, but then what do you do? How do you have a down? How do you unwind? Yeah, how do you have a down her to the seller for like their anniversary? That was like there? No To like watch I'm not talking shit

What I'm just saying like I don't know them so you guys are saying that I don't know anything about them Yeah, I guess you're right. I am Don't touch it. What can you do? Look at the SLA Jordan. don't talk shit. Wow. I know. And I stopped stealing from Whole Foods. Whoa. That's so hard. That's the hardest thing I've ever done. Wait, why? You can steal from Whole Foods?

If you're in recovery, it's not good to do things that are, like... Yeah, but stealing from someone that deserves... Like, how do you feel about the healthcare guy getting shot? I don't think anybody should lose their life. I think he should have gotten a fucking tune-up. Yeah. You know? It would have been nice if they beat him up instead of shot. That's what I'm saying I think that it's cool that he did a 3d printed gun whatever happened You know whatever happened to people robbing you leaving you naked that was like a cool thing in the 90s

They make you strip. You know just for embarrassment. You don't know about this Oh, yeah, it happened in uncut gems like how come they don't do that like how come they don't like beat people up and make Them get naked instead of I don't know but it's so Scary to imagine. It's so funny to make someone get naked. Gunpoint gets all emasculated. It's awesome That's what you need to do. You really want to embarrass people publicly? I think if you want to embarrass them make them ready for this make them leave their shirt on no pants or underwear Who bare? That's worse than naked. Oh my god. And make them. Leave their shoes. And make them. Naked with shoes. Naked with shoes and high socks. Make sure they got high socks. They gotta Hold their hands up like this and go up be up

Do when I was with the gals I was trying to take my rings off But I had too much salt so I had to hold my hands above my head for a little bit Would you stop it you I'm thinking about how whenever you get too much sodium in your fingers You always go I had too many meats and cheese It is so funny to think that right before you hook up with them you got to take off all that jewelry I know do you so gay yeah, I was gotta get in there with those fingers Well if I slap you in the face you want a ring mark. Yeah, you know yeah, you do yeah You like being hit. I don't like slap. I you know what I hate spanking. I'm not a baby

I'm not a baby. But you're my baby. No. Hahahaha. It was a goo goo ga ga. No, I like being jocked. Jocked? What is that? Jesus Christ. Wait, like that? Yeah, that's jocking.

Jock around. Jocking I made up from the song that goes, Jockin' a bitch, slappin' a hoe. No, you just slapped me. You didn't jock me. Okay, but I don't like being hit. I like that. I like punching, choking just slapped me. You didn't jock me. Okay, but don't I don't like being like that. I like punching choking suffocation But spanking slap anything stingy don't bite me don't stingy

Okay, so the pain has to be encompassing it can't be pointed It can't be like oh little it has to be like yeah fucking smash. Yeah, throw me get the wall bruise No red marks right yeah, you don't like any abusive shit. No no see that's where we all that's where we differ big time You are sensitive and soft you don't want to hurt no hurty like spent on your leg smack How you smack a butt on your light? I'll do a spank that's not that then you got a rub it to make it nice And then you kiss it. Yeah, that's what I do I hit right on the back of her head right back there By the way, that is what my dad my dad this right here my dad would that he would crack us So fucking hard the sound it was like almost I wish I could record the pitch of it. It was like

It was like a verb array.ate. Oh in your head. Yes It was ear ringing. Oh my god, but on the crown he would hit like we never get hit hit Hit my dad would kick us in the ass that hurts It's the tailbone bro what he kicked with the foot or like a side foot. Oh, yeah, it's side foot Yeah, no dog. Yeah It was a cowboy boot and it was here. it was like this get your dad wore cowboy boots yeah really where'd your dad grow up my dad was from the Chicago but then he bought a farm upstate from the Chicago from the Chicago yeah she's still she's getting

there that's my dad from the Chicago I just bought a Bulls vintage Bulls style baseball jersey Bulls didn't play baseball. Can you picture that though? I? Know they do but that's the style I get it am I allowed to wear that yeah Why not of course you are I was named after Michael Jordan. No you weren't yeah, she was We've talked about my dad's from Chicago. How did I not know that? No, you told me that before and I thought that was great Yeah, your middle name is Jeffrey your middle name is Jeffrey as well. That's right. Jordan Jeffrey Horace Grant, yeah, I was named after Ian Anderson who the fuck is that? He was the he was in Jethro tall

That makes so much sense. Oh really? Yeah Wow, that makes sense. And also Ian means John and Gaelic and my dad's name was John and they wanted to name me John but my mom was like Wait, but no, dude, Ian's a Jew name, isn't it? No, it's Gaelic for John. He's not Jewish He's like a tiny bit Jewish. No, he is Jewish. I can feel it on him, dude. He's how much Jewish are you? I'm like 14% Ashkenazi. That's I got it from a 23 me. He's how much get Jewish are you I I'm like 14% Ashkenazi, that's I got it from it's one thing. I wasn't raised too much for me Mom your mom and dad weren't neither of them were Jewish. Yeah, I mean through blood Away, but we were like

Rays or yeah, we were Italian and then I did the 23 me and I went to my mom's house And then you have Irish to light a menorah to be like we're Jewish now like let's do that and it set the dining room Table on fire. I was like I think it's a sign from Funny to try to get into a religion and it immediately rejects you. No thank you. And it gets as Italian as possible. We're good. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, did you have too much fun in your early 20s with credit cards?

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I like gingers. You guys, both of you, I will say this, I want to be honest for a second. Here we go. If it's sincere, I'll puke. If it's sincere, I'll take it. You guys are genuinely both two of the funniest people that I know.

I'm proud to call you my friends. and I am excited for your growth in your careers So one day we will not talk as much anymore That's so nice up until the end. You know what I appreciate by you. You're a phone guy. You'll call him phone I like the phone. Oh, you know what's so funny about this? No, no, I don't like talking to you on the phone. Cause I call you on the phone and you don't like that I'm a phone guy But he's on Dave and you fucking like phone guys. Funny.

You know what it is? We have a different phone game. What's your phone game? He's like I'm packing let's talk. Yours is like... Ehh... Don't shock her dude she'll come. It's been a while dude. Don't do that. I love phone calls. Don't do that.

I love phone calls. You said that to hurt me. I actually wasn't even thinking about that. You know what it is? Your sign off isn't quick enough. You have to do a quick sign off. I realize my sister is the best at this. My sister goes like this. She talks for a minute and she goes, I gotta go. And you go, alright, bye.

There's no I love you. It's just bye. Hang up. Alright. I'll talk to you later, bye. Okay, well I love you. It's just bye. Hang up. Alright. I'll talk to you later Bye. Yeah, okay. Well then pick up the phone. I'll hang up quick you go you go Alright, dude. Oh, you're one of those guys example Okay, talk on the phone. We do but but I've never noticed it, but she just gets annoyed by it probably because When are you gonna come tomorrow? She's in love with you. Huh? Oh you on the phone with me? I'm you're Ian and I'm me. No, this is Ian.

Uh, uh, uh, anyway, so, hey Ian, okay, I gotta jump off. Okay, um, wait a second, uh, whatchamacallit, you always say whatchamacallit. Um, whatchamacallit, uh, so Tuesday, six weeks from now, uh, Code Orange wants to do the podcast at 7pm. Are you around for that? I don't know. Okay, cool, but we're gonna need a Patreon. What are you doing tomorrow, dude?

Do you have spots at the cellar? And I'm like, I have to go. Right now. This is the end of the show. 7pm are you around for that? I don't know okay cool, but we're gonna need a patreon This is so real and honest you and I have been having good phone calls lately yeah because of recovery Thank God. Thank God for recovery. Yeah. For you doing that. Yeah. Because boy. Yeah, you have to be nice to people.

I'm proud of you. Yeah, I just don't want to have to make too many amends. I'm really proud. Well, I'm waiting for the day. I'll set aside about 12 hours. I am so proud of you and the progress you've been making. Thank you. It's really nice.

Thank you. You should do it. You should do it. Proud of you and the progress you've been making. Thank you. Really nice. Thank you. Mm-hmm Yeah, why don't you do some of it I'm the one that got her in SLAA Yelling isn't a part of the program. You're right. I need to not yell No, I like phone I do like talking to both you guys on the phone But I do like a quick hang up like my my agent is my the touring agent I mean maybe one of my favorite guys on earth. He doesn't even say goodbye He goes alright, and it's gone before it's gone before I know it My wife one time was like he just hang up on you. I go. This is what he does. It's amazing

It's that's right. All right. It's just it's straight to the fucking point Hey, did you want to do by the end of a son of a and I go mmm. I don't think so good All right, man. That's it. See I've been no rambling no bullshit. I gotta hop off. I'll see you and then yeah Is it is it is it a crime? I like talking to you. This is It is a crime that I like to talk to you so much I don't want to hang up. Oh I'm so sorry that I care about you so much. I do. That I have to monopolize your time. When you set a boundary saying I have to go and I break the boundary by five minutes of guaranteeing my codependency will be met.

Because I don't know when I will ever speak to you again. That's scarcity mentality and that's not right. That's true. I don't know when the next time I to you again. Okay, that's scarcity mentality and that's not right. That's true! I don't know when the next time I'll ever get a hold of you again. You're forced into a professional relationship. You have to see me. Yeah, this is professional rape. It's great.

Yeah, I'm bound to you. You guys are bound together for the rest of time. It's like me and Bobby. It's the same thing. What are those scribbles? Give me hand. Freaking hand. Give him hand.

Give me hand. Freaking hand. They're my brain. Give them hand. Give me hand. Bound by blood. This is also gaslighting. You do this if we're arguing about something you go, I love you, and I'm like I know but I'm upset and you go I Love you though, and I'm like okay. I love you, too, and you go good. Everything's good, and I'm like okay That's how that's from childhood for sure. Oh, that's how we Good, everything's good, and I'm like okay. That's how that's from childhood. Oh, that's how we And then you go if we didn't love each other we wouldn't yell and hit yeah That is true that is a trauma bonding experience Yeah

Doing that because it's something from childhood mine is you hit and then you walk away And you let the stings sink in and the next time you see each other you pretend that nothing happened. So yeah, like you this is the twist is that I get hit and then they walk away. Yeah, and then I end up apologizing. Yes. I'm sorry you had to hit me. I have to resolve in the moment right there because you could walk away and get killed. Well, that's dramatic. So dramatic. Yeah. No, I'm not saying it's not true. I'm just saying you peak drama I have OCD about resolution, but it's around like my mom like me and my mom can't hang up mad or else Because my dad died and that's me. I know my dad died, so I don't you don't know that yeah, but it's different with Mothers is different. Tell me to quit smoking cigarettes cuz I'm gonna die like her dad well

That's actually just the truth. No it's not. You smoked a cigarette. My dad smoked the same amount as you. And then you wanted to smoke another cigarette right after we, I mean. Because you guys are jib jabbing and I'm just sitting there doing nothing.

Five minutes, stop being a pick and any. You sound like my dad, you smell like him, and in movie theaters you guys act the same where you get a little itchy and then when we're walking out of the theater you bum rush it to the door and light a cigarette. He did that. Same cigarettes, same kind of cigarettes?

Very close. What were they? Where did you smoke? Winston's the door and light a cigarette. He did that. Same cigarettes, same kind of cigarettes? Very close. What were they? Where'd he smoke? Winston's. Winston's. My dad smoked Winston's too. My dad smoked Winston's too. Winston's and Marlboro Reds.

Troubled kids! Yeah! And then my uncle smoked unfiltered Palm Alls, which I thought was insane. Well, I've done that. Is he alive? It's almost like burning tobacco and just huffing it in your own hand. Yeah. There's nothing there.

It's like burning newspapers. No, he's still alive. No, he is. There's nothing there. It's like burning newspapers. No, he's still alive. No, he is. Is he still alive? Is he still alive? Is he smoke still? No.

How do you know? I'm not gonna die. I mean, dude, it was like a 10 year run of getting off cigarettes. Good for him. Everything, I'm sure. I will quit eventually. I will quit.

I don't think you will. I will quit. No, because you're right in the throes of it, dude. 40s is when, this is when you're in like the thick of it. You're nowhere near quitting. You don't quit. you won't quit till you're in your 50s I bet my bank account on it, and I hate to say that but I can tell you know why your career is going good You're happy you're having a good time life feels fun, so cigarettes. You're like what this is come on. Yeah, am I right? Well, I and you're influenced by your friends that also all smoke still I can't stop touching this

Oh, they still smokes me and Dave are the only people I know that smoke. He's the one you smoke you like Would you be happier if I use a little yeah big time I'll little filter it and lights and lights What are you talking about Dave puts little filters on light cigarettes tips? Oh, yeah, I know the tar some of the tar out yeah I have them at the apartment have you ever done this thing where you put of what are you giggling I've seen them at the apartment this is an old old married couple I have them at the apartment I'll do it maybe I'll do it it's so cute as if you live together like it they're at the house they're in the bedside table baby I'll take them well I'll get them for you so you won't

forget them I just don't understand how you're not afraid of that. All it takes is your arteries in your heart. I mean, I vape. I vape. I vape. I'll defend him. A, you know, wish I still smoked. But B, I like the sauce. You love the sauce. Well, it's so bad.

It's so bad for you. What is the sauce everywhere bourbon whiskey whiskey? This is almost all but it's almost all yeah Almost guess we've had a person. I'm a dumb person that shouldn't be allowed to drive We've had You're the dumbest guess we've had yeah No, but you're right. You got to write the first time it is mostly bourbon. There's more bourbon than whiskey up there What's the difference? I love that shit. I mean, I don't bourbon. Yeah, my favorite whiskey was corn adian club bourbon more corn

Canadian Club, yeah, it's my grandfather used to drink. Yeah, Canadian Club whiskey, and then I drank Crystal Palace vodka No, that's sad boy shit. Yeah, that's real Oh, man, Irish rose in the morning on the. Remember crystal palace the handles that were kind of like yeah 1199 Well, they were like they they made the plastic look like crystals and then you take the plastic off like this Yeah with your teeth. Yeah, like a real scumbag Plastic bottle so when you drop it, you don't break. Okay, let's go back, but I like the sauce I know it's poison. It's inevitably going to kill me or hurt me in a long time. I don't drink a lot anymore Do I drink a lot anymore? Not really not as much you take a lot of breaks

I take big breaks, but also like you two live together We're not quite moved in yet, but we are doing everything else I Can tell good boy? Like I made him grow out that mullet dad something to pull that's great But I drink but I like I like I like the sauce and I know it's bad We all have you'd be a fool to think it's not gonna be for hurtful in the long run of course it is But also I don't drink and I don't do drugs anymore, which is fucking huge That's not a supplemental argument though. Yeah, because you can't because smoking is still just killing you anyway dude come on the way. I fucking drank. I should be dead

I don't do it anymore, and that's so but that's huge that I'm really proud of them But we want you to last longer than two without the cigarettes then If you caught it caught it the fear is I believe you can do it in heart attacks That's what smoking does it causes sudden like you will be like I'm healthy exercise all my dad my dad was fucking jacked dude. Where's the where's the last place you want to have a heart attack? pooping oh It's so sad. I know I poop a lot. He is also IBS. I have I've I there's the Jewish part I have a lot of BMS a lot of bootle you're moving hours each

I had a buddy do we travel together? He didn't move for five days. I don't move for five That's me what and then go to the hospital. Let me tell you something. Don't shift for four days Then it comes out your eyes. Oh, well comes out buddy unbelievable. It's usually at my house Nice little gift that means I feel safe. My doctor said that means I feel safe. That is actually true. Yeah. You know why? That's why I couldn't poop at school.

Couldn't poop at school. Got so scared of pooping at school. I guess I'm safe everywhere because I can go in pretty much play. I never wanted to poop at school. I hated it. But the moment I walked into my house at home, my body was like, we have to poop now? So I was pooping in the morning before school. Couldn't poop all day at school school even if I ate something terrible.

You know, I will say, you know, I did have a prodigious run this weekend of threesome sex, amazing shows, wonderful, wow, life is good. And then at the Denver airport on Sunday, I shit so hard it went up my back and I had to wash my clothes in the sink at the airport. What? Wait, you shit yourself no no on the toilet it I shit so hard it splashed up my back A little bit of both babe Listen up ladies out there on the road you want this thing you can have it in your city near you Plug your dates dog you want old shit back to get you old shit backs coming to town gross buddy i say that to say i'm human you are people think

you're not we all knew that from the second you sat down sometimes he doesn't seem like it you didn't sit down and people This man even This guy even This man made of flesh and blood That I see before my eyes He sat down and basically immediately was like I had too much caffeine I'm having a panic attack Listen people I'm a person just like you I shit on my back one Splash at a time just like you

Celebrities They're just like us How many of these are you having? Are you guys are you drinking coffee all day? Do you do this yeah all day Ian kind of push 7 p.m.. And I'm done if it's 7 p.m.. I'm out whenever I pick her up Or anything I was bringing her coffee. I have a heart rate of 40 beats a minute I can fall asleep. What does that one too really actually means you're healthy is mine fast Don't check it right now. Just sleepy bear. I'm sorry. I can't sleep much at night But yeah, you right now right only cuz I a sleepy bear? I'm tired. I can't sleep much. At night? But you sleep right now, right?

Only because I'm on drugs. But you have a lot of energy? I assume too much. What happens at night? Yeah. Thinking. You do the magnesium? Double, double dose.

I mag up and then I still can get to sleep but I don't sleep. My deep sleep doesn't last a long time. You need a dog. I got a puppy in my bed. I have my dog. What do you mean? My dog doesn't want to sleep in the bed. She sleeps under the bed You have a wife that holds you she sleeps under the bed, too Do you guys want to plug some dates for real? You should. Sure.

Plug some dates for the kids. Let them know when you motherfuckers are out there. Oh my goodness. When does it come out? Go see these fucking losers. This is coming out probably in a week or two. I'm going first. Go first.

Okay. Going to... Alpharetta, Georgia, Indianapolis, Raleigh, Buffalo, Boston, St. Louis, then Dublin, London, Paris, Oslo, Stockholm, Amsterdam, Berlin, Philadelphia, Rochester, Winnipeg, Minneapolis, Tampa, and Portland. Wow, dude, the Amsterdam run, that'll be really fun over there. That's gonna be really fun. Where are you going? Me? Well, oh, I mean, oh yeah.

Oh, December 31st, Providence, Rhode Island. You're playing New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, my 40th birthday. Oh, December 31st, Providence, Rhode Island. You're playing New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve, my 40th birthday. Two shows, me and a special guest. Gonna be fun. And then I am in Hartford, Connecticut, West Nyec, New York, Connecticut again,

Syracuse, Albany, Jersey, Portland, Maine, Portland, Portland, Oregon, Appleton, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Vegas, Utah, Kansas City, San Diego, everywhere. Where are you playing in Vegas? When? Where? Oh, Wise Guys Vegas. Ayyy. Ayyy. All right. Wise Guys. Is that new? I never knew those were Wise Guys. I like Wise Guys Utah. Where Oh wise guys Vegas? Yeah, Utah's great yeah, I'm doing wise guys Utah too. I didn't know that was a club out there in Vegas Yeah, yeah, it's new. It's really good. I hear it's really good really fun. We'll go see the kids I'm going all over I'm on the road till May emfydance.com for my special Wild happy and free the podcast is being with Jordan, it's a great show.

I did it, it was phenomenal. I'm gonna come back and do it at some point. RIP Jordan Jensen. RIP Jordan Jensen, please watch that. I animal69 on Instagram. For farts and fun, Beanie in. For sadness and suicide, RIP. All right, we end the show the same way.

Look in that camera, each of you at your own time. Say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Go ahead and go first Jordan pickin in these picking in these go ahead smoke them if you got them okay picking in these isn't racist yeah it is yeah no i thought you were joking black

no picking in is bad wait what it's like historically bad. It's like, uh... In here, we pour whiskey. Whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like Batman, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse.

Gingers, oh hell no. This for the horse. Ginger's all hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.