Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jake Johnson

Episode Date: September 29, 2023

Hey there babyface! On the show this week is the hilarious JAKE JOHNSON. Two Northside Chicago guys sit down and chew the fat and sip the sauce. GO BEARS! #jakejohnson #whiskeyginger #andrewsantino #podcasts ========================================================= SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS AURA FREE 14 DAY TRIAL https://aura.com/whiskey RABBIT HOLE $5 OFF with Promo Code: WHISKEY https://rabbitholedistillery.com/drizly ========================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today, like my man Steve Harvey Dunn say. It's Jake Johnson. Another Chicago boy like myself. We're depressed about Chicago sports together. It's been rough, but it's all good. Please check out Jake's podcast. He's got a little podcast himself called We're Here to Help. It's wonderful. He's such a good dude. called We're Here to Help. It's wonderful. He's such a good dude. I'm happy he came on the show. I'm back on tour. Me and the Bobo are running around the country. We got

Boston coming up first. Boston, Massachusetts. The tickets are almost totally sold out. Then Washington, D.C. Where are you at our forefathers? Show up. Any of our fathers. Then Denver, Colorado. Then we're doing Chicago, Illinois, my hometown, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Madison, and Minneapolis.

We're jumping around. Go to badfriendspod.com for those tickets. Badfriendspod.com for those tickets. We love you. Can't wait to see you out there for the final run of 2023. And then we put the Bad Friends Tour to bed for a little while. Badfriendspod.com. Come see me live.

Enough rambling from me. Let's go to the episode. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse.

Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Junior. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Jake Johnson.

What a good intro I just gave. That was so fast. It was great. It was fast. It was smooth. Cheers, buddy. Cheers, bud. Great to see you. Great to meet you. Back at you, bud. Okay, bud. Great to see you. Great to meet you. Back at you, bud. Okay, so here we go.

Ooh. Yeah, it's nice. It's very nice. Very smooth, man. One of Chicago's finest. Man, that's really nice. A North Shoreman. Yeah.

I imagine that means you're a Cubs guy. I am. You a Southside guy? No, no, no. I know I look like Southside guy. You look like Southside guy. Those Southside Irish kids. You do. Whenever I go down. That's guy. I am. You a Southside guy? No, no, no. I know I look like Southside guy. You look like Southside guy. Those Southside Irish kids. You do.

Whenever I go down, if you would go down there to those guys, though, I couldn't even put on the mask to pretend to be those guys. They're tough nutbags. No, I'm a Northside kid. Yeah. But although...

Where in the Northside? Well, my family's all from Rogers Park. Sure. I lived with Rogersgers park with my mother for years oh you did yeah you're not well met south no we were winnetka and then south evanston winnetka so we did the end of high school was my mom and i in evanston yeah and then she was in rogers park for a little bit my dad was lincoln park oh dad dad had it fancy because your parents split up they split up god bless should. Why would they stick together?

Especially if you knew them. What a mess. What a mess. The funny thing about parents who split as you age is you look back and you go like, how? Yeah. How? Yeah. What kind of dog shit decision did you, with both of you? You're like, look, I like each.

Yeah. What did you see in her, my guy? I say that all the time. Knowing you? Yeah. yeah what did you see in her my guy knowing you yeah like now that i know you as like a man what did you like about like 28 year old eve jansen she's a maniac you like my dad's nickname was crocco as in crock of shit really yeah and a big mustache it's crocco man he'll sell you he'll sell you bullshit talks like this you know it's like

so what what did you like about this like little jewish's like, so what did you like about this, like, little Jewish salesman? Well, imagine, what did she like? I think, you know, at least for that, my father, he passed, was very charming. Smooth. True salesman. And I don't know if you're similar to this, but the feeling of Chicago, I love salespeople. Yeah, they're great. I love negotiating.

Yeah. I don't find it dirty. I find it fantastic. I love when somebody goes Yeah, they're great. I love negotiating. Yeah. I don't find it dirty. I find it fantastic. I love when somebody goes, how much for that? And you go, like, that's eight bucks. And they go, for a bottle of sparkling water? And you go like this. What are you thinking?

I mean, the cap's been opened. That's not even straight. And there's stuff all over the front. Yeah. I don't know. I could. If you true that into it, I'll give you 10 for both. And you go, like, you're the best.

That is inherently a Chicago thing. Yes. But it's wonderful. He's like wheeling and dealing. Always. Well, so my parents, same thing. My dad had a lot of trouble with drugs. Spent most of my childhood in prison.

Oh, in prison? My parents, they split when I was one. Mine were two. Yeah. My dad was drugs and alcohol. Hey, hey. What was the drug of choice? Cocaine, baby. Yes, dude. So he would drink. Wait, when were you born? What year are you? I'm one. Mine were two. My dad was drugs and alcohol. Hey, hey. What was the drug of choice? Cocaine, baby.

Yes, dude. So he would drink. Wait, when were you born? What year are you? I'm 83. Okay, so 80s, man. Yeah, 80s. What a funny year.

We had the same childhood on two different parts of Chicago. I mean, Austin, 40% of the kids are from Chicago. Yeah, yeah, most of the kids there. That was everybody there. But the whole hustler thing is, and that's what I grew up with. I've talked about him on the show, but my his dad to the day he died worked at the maywood dog track worked at arlington half of the time and then worked for people that don't know the arlington is a famous racetrack in chicago in the suburbs and i mean just outside the city and maywood was a greyhound a literal

greyhound racing track and there goes the rabbit rabbit! And I'd be there at like six years old with like, you know, cigarettes in my face. But he was a hustler. He used to, um, he used to go down to the, he used to go down on the west side and go to like these textile factories and he'd get rubber mats and he'd hand cut them with, he'd bring a blade, he knew

a guy who'd let him in, he'd paid him off, he'd hand cut rubber, he'd go to a restaurant, he'd walk right into the kitchen no shit yeah and be like where's the manager and they're like uh what a king and they're like he i don't i don't know maybe he's around he's like these mats are way way past dude you know you'll get written up by the city for that but he would take them out i got something for you if you want it yeah and then he'd go he'd go 50 of mad for one two three four you know i'll call you look I'll break you off.

You tell your buddy you know anybody else in the neighborhood. Let me flip a map. And they would do it. It's like he had no power, no authority, but he made it happen. My Uncle Eddie used to do neon signs. I had a year where I dropped out of school and I worked with him. He had legal trouble. So he came in. He would.

The neon sign guy? Yeah. But he would make neon signs. But I would watch him do it. We'd go up and down uh clark street in chicago he would what we'd walk into a short store blind blind he go who runs this place and he'd go like this store i do and i'll claim it like you got a great fucking storm but these shines trash it's trash the guy would be like okay man and i would be sitting there like a little dork at 50 being like you can't say this to a stranger yeah we would leave the guy would have

given him 300 bucks to start we're doing a 1500 sign the signs were trash so even when i walk and i see that was i'm like beautiful sign the signs me and this fucking man hung up was the beginning of me being like, life is trash. You know, you always hope like, I'm going to be part of greatness. I'm part of the good team. And then it's your own hands and you're like, I'm a garbage person creating garbage. There were many times we had to run back to his truck. And I was like.

Did he make the signs? Yeah, he made the signs in my mother's garage in the suburbs. Then we would hang them together. Right. Because he got really into like blowing up. But it was that same thing you're talking about. Like he created a hustle. Quick question transition, not trying to get too heavy.

Have it. But, you know, instantly connecting you with this. How much of that hustle do you feel like is in our business? In our business? Yes. Oh, it's funny. I think guys, there's a certain kind of guy. Look,

I'm not going to include you in this. I don't know you well enough. I'm probably going to be in it. But I know what I look like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I didn't move out here because I was the hottest guy in school. Yeah.

What are we talking about? Look at the profile, baby. So for me, it was like, I needed that for this game. So I feel like the most successful guys that I know

guys and girls who aren't just traditionally stunning they're the exact same thing so that's what you got from that my dad was the same thing my dad was a contractor

and only exclusively worked on the south and the west side loved it because none of the other guys didn't want to work in a black market

they were like fuck that I'm not going down to the black neighborhoods my father had a car dealership on the south side in the black neighborhood anybody who had the balls to be like i'll be the white guy in that because there's great money yeah he had great relationships yeah and they need they also need those services so all these other guys are like i'm not going down

to the fucking south side that's nuts but he would 100 and all of the stuff i saw with him was that was the greatest part when you say with your dad we have the same dad the thing my mom liked about him I know was that he could fucking convince the person having the worst day that it's alright. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That he'll have a he'd have a quip he'd have like a limerick he'd have like something and flip their mind and be like So my dad did something he wasn't in my siblings

in my life until he got sober when I was about 18. And so my older brother my older siblings were pretty cool and they forgave him pretty fast and i just kind of thought like i got a lot of fucking spite and i like spite yeah spice kind of nice so i was like ah fuck you man and he just kept pushing and it was fake but he just turned into a fan so not just of the work of everything he'd go like look at that hat on your head now that's a good looking guy and you'd be like stop it you're complimenting everybody croco people see through he would call grown men baby face if you went to a valet my brother and i would say like do it do it

he'd be like no problem and he'll go hey sweetheart hey baby face i'm looking for easy in easy out on this all i got is 20 bucks and you'd have these like super tough black guys going like you want easy in and my dad go come on baby face get us out of here but my dad just leaned into this idea of being a fan of everyone yeah and it worked it worked i would feel myself being like i just like this fucking guy and i'm like so going back to what my mom saw in him was she probably did not think the booze and the drugs were gonna win right she thought the charm was gonna win yeah and she bet wrong yeah it's a bad bet it's a bad but it's hard not to bet on charm well because if especially if it's like that where baby face to like a grown adult male, but it working. It's the same as my dad.

We'd go to breakfast spots. We'd go to, he used to take me, he used to love to go to the Golden Nugget. Loved to go to the Nugget. And he'd walk in and immediately he'd say, hi Richie! You know, these slovenly

older women. He'd go, God, you look beautiful. And they're immediately like, they become, you know, they think that they're Marilyn Monroe. By the way, here's what I'm starting to realize. They all know the game. Yeah. But they like it. They love the game. It'll be like, look at you, you beautiful woman.

And she'll go like this. She knows she's walking around at 250 on the wrong side of 65 with real ups and downs with drugs. You can see in the teeth. Well, whatever's left. Whatever. But the way she'll move then, I'd be like, man, this is a fun vibe. I got to tell you, my brother and I have started playfully experimenting with the game. And so he's an everyday call.

Like, he's my guy. But when I'm like all right man i'm pulling in he'll go do it and you go in you go like hey i'm just gonna go in and out and you'll he'll he'll hear like all right man 20 i'm like thanks so much baby face when it goes sideways yeah it's the funniest thing that happens between you and one person and a silent person on the phone because the guy will go yeah 20 and I'll be like alright man thanks baby face

and then you're like sideways sideways and then hearing him pull it off where he'll be like okay sweetheart I'm looking for that and you'll hear like okay I guess and you're like ooh no bueno but it's worth the shot is he out here, your brother?

No, Chicago. He's back home. Yeah, and when it works, though, and it has worked a few times. Yeah. Where I'm like, I just called a grown man. Baby face. Baby face, good looking. Mm-hmm.

And the vibe was a sweetness back. Yeah. Because I think everybody's doing their best to not let all their bullshit come out. So when you do a little trickster nonsense, they're like, all right, this is all right. I'm in. The day's not bad. Between you and me, we got two minutes of niceness. Yeah.

When you enter that with a stranger and you get to go, it's just you and me and this thing. Let's just have a little bit of fun. Yeah, it's going to be over soon anyway. Let's just enjoy this. Because so many people, I've realized, are such pieces of shit to each other just have a little bit of fun. Yeah. It's going to be over soon anyway. Let's just enjoy this because so many people I've realized are such pieces of shit to each other and they like it. Yeah. Uh, my mother was that way.

My mother was one of those people that she would look forward to people being in our seats. She would look forward to conflict. She loved when she got, if we were at like a restaurant, they're in our fucking seat. But she, but she truly liked it.

Yeah. That's not, I don't, I'm not like that. I'm not like that. And you, you know, there's people who like, we'll talk about liking it, they're in our fucking seats. But she truly liked it. Yeah, I'm not like that. I'm not like that. And you know there's people who like will talk about liking it, but they don't like it. They like the show of it because that makes you seem tough. Right.

But they don't like it. They've just been abused. Yeah. And they have anger issues. But you don't like it. No. My mother likes it. She gets like a charge of like, oh, the whole night's worth it.

So she would never call someone baby face. If anything, she might with her eyes just be like, oh, the whole night's worth it. So she would never call someone baby face. If anything, she might with her eyes just be like, hi, $20, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. Say something mean. Her dad, the other side of Chicago was my grandfather. Her dad was named Mean Eddie. And Mean Eddie was a little five foot four Irish guy. And as me, all the stories, as mean as it gets,

owned a little, um, whatever they're called, like weed shops, but not weed shops where you can buy like a bomb. A head shop. Yeah. A little head shop right near Wrigley on Clark.

Yeah. Um, but back in the sixties, he just had these like little shops would walk around, go into places and just look for fights. And that is the other side of Chicago. Yeah. And that's the Chicago that, although I think is cool, He just had these like little shops, would walk around, go into places and just look for fights. And that is the other side of Chicago. And that's the Chicago that although I think is cool, I don't relate to.

I don't like it. I've never liked fighting. I never, even when I was younger and pretended to be tough for like a six month period, I was still like, you fuck that guy. I hope nobody starts throwing punches, especially not hitting my face. And you're like, you see your sissy. It's like, such a sissy. Everybody is, though. Well, no. Only a few people really want to fight.

And those people are animals. Yeah, they're lunatics. But there are some people like that. There is a couple that love to fight. And that they will have a night where it starts where they're like getting ready, 23 years old, putting the cologne on, doing the shirt and going like, I really hope somebody fucks with me tonight. I'm going to kill somebody. When I've wanted to be that guy, I'm still like, I hope somebody fucks with me.

And then the last second, a bigger person breaks it up. Because holy shit, am I a puss? No, you have a working brain that goes, look, dude, it's cool to be machismo. Everybody wants to be the guy. Everybody wants to be the guy. Everybody wants to be that. But it ain't reality. No, thanks. It ain't reality.

If you've been hit in the face, you know it hurts so much. It's the fucking worst. I'll tell you what else also hurts, and this is real cis talk. Hitting. There's no way. Hitting does hurt. It hurts so much there's i if punching somebody was punching a marshmallow i'd be a bully yeah i'd kill these fools yeah it hurts it hurts so much your hands

the next day after a fight are so sore this every you go yeah your forearms and your wrists it hurts so much even like stupid stuff like training like boxing training had to box for a while and I'd be like, how was it? And then my wife was like, well, you're not getting hurt, are you? And I'm like, honey, he's not hitting me back

and she's like, so why is everything in ice? And I'm like, because it's a nightmare. I'm punching a stupid bag and it's winning. Yeah, the bag wins. My arms are really hurting.

Like, I think I broke something. I hate, dude, I got in fights in college because we were animals and I fucking hated all of them. Yeah, you hated in fights in college because we were animals. Yeah. And I fucking hated all of them. Yeah, you hated them. I hated it because every time it was a friend starting it,

and you had to be the guy's guide with him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I swear to God, I only have started one fight my whole life, and only one, and it was very just. Yeah. It was like a guy being a pig to this girl. That's cool. And it was just.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was still atro just. Yeah. It was like a guy being a pig to this girl. That's cool. And it was just. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was still atrocious. Yeah. It was like, why am I doing this? But all the other times, man, I was fighting for friends and I fucking hated it. I hated it. Yeah, I had a thing. My mother, who was tough, I was in seventh or eighth grade going through.

I'm a little bit older than you. And I don't know if your group hit it, but the starter jacket phase. Come on, man. Are you kidding me? Yeah. Yeah. My parents were so nervous about me wearing them outside. Yeah, hit it, but the starter jacket phase. Come on, man. Are you kidding me? Yeah. My parents were so nervous about me wearing them outside. Yeah, so I had a Duke starter jacket.

I had a Duke starter jacket. Okay, hot shot. Just to set the vibe of this story, right? So I'm walking around with probably a Miami Hurricane hat. Got to be. With the old, like, the spindle of colors behind him, right? I remember that hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was tough. That was cool. It was a good hat. And in the suburbs, like, my little, like, the spindle of colors behind him, right? I remember that hat. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was tough.

That was cool. It was a good hat. And in the suburbs, like, my little, like, group, we weren't fighting, but we were listening to the right music. And so who's going to receive the brunt end of my toughness? My sister. Right. That makes the most sense.

I could kill her. I could eat her up for dinner. And anybody in the neighborhood, you could whoop your sister that's the one I knew I had her and people's younger siblings but my mom had a moment where something happened

with my sister and I and I was from like mall fights using the term you wanna go you wanna go? yeah and that meant like you know we know

you wanna go and then you wanna go and it would be that back and forth so I said it to my sister and my mother did not like that. So she goes, you say that to her again, you and me are going to go. And my sister did the, and I was three steps up on the stairs. At this point, I was, you know, I think 15, 14.

All right, so you got some weight on you a little bit. You know, my mother was a heavy lady. Okay, she was. Yeah, she was a big Chicago woman. So you were fighting out of your weight class. I didn't even think about it. Was there a weigh-in? There was no weigh-in, huh?

The weigh-in would have been 105 pounds. Soaking wet with nine pubes. Versus a woman walking around at 185. Yeah. You know, maybe even more. Fuck you up. Yeah, now I was probably taller than her. Sure, but her reach was probably stronger.

Her reach was stronger. The weight for sure was a difference. What. But her reach was probably stronger. Her reach was stronger. The weight, for sure, was a different. What was really the difference was the meanness. Yeah, the anger. The anger. The ability to be tough. Right. Because she goes, stop saying it.

We're going to go. And I went like this. And my sister was giving me the look. So I, half, this is a true story, half-heartedly went like, you want to go? Really just to save face with my sister. Right. You got to do it because she's right there. It's humiliating. You got to do it. I'm not that little chicken shit. What's my mom want to go? Really just to save face with my sister. Right. You got to do it because she's right there. It's humiliating.

You got to do it. I'm not that little chicken shit. What's my mom going to do? I'm going to go upstairs and later I'm going to apologize to my mom when my sister is not around. Like a true coward. Right. Like that. This woman comes at me like a tiger.

Grabs me, hip checks me, throws me across the room. I go down. I see the other side of my mom. And if you had a scary grown-up who was heavy doing the, you know, waddle torture. Waddle torture, yeah. Gave me one in the ribs. I was on the ground.

I was like, ah! She goes, and I think her exact words were, you're a little pussy. Don't do this. Oh, my God, dude. And it changes. Yeah. And we've laughed about it since and she like the

real stories afterwards she cried oh she got oh she was like i don't i don't want this for you i love you she's like this isn't you and i was like sitting there listening to nwa being like there's some i was like smoking a new port being like there might be something you're saying that's true mama mama you might be right i'm gonna tell's true, Mama. Mama. Mama. You might be right. I'm going to tell you this. Everything I do, I do for you, Mama. Single mom and I love you.

But I think I might be going down the wrong road. She had the, your mom had the, see, I have the mom who's Irish, who has the, we don't talk about it and we throw it way down deep so my mom's favorite and your dad was gone yes and then my stepdad came into my life which was wonderful but my mom when we were together when she was single and we lived in the city we bounced around buildings we lived uh all over kind of near river north and we bounced around my mom worked for a uh uh she worked for a property management company that managed all these big buildings. Okay, great. So I lived, like, at one point, I was 1111 Dearborn, 2310 LaSalle. We were all over the place.

Yeah. And only so many years downtown. But she had this way about her that was, like, grew up with 10 kids. Yeah, my mom had one. She won a 10. One and nine. So when you were like, oh, the blank, blank,

blank, blank, blank. And she was always like, you'll be all right. Yeah. You'll be all right. It was always like a,

do you have any fucking idea what I've been through? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like they, they had such little food sometimes. Yeah, same with my mom.

She would eat, she would only get fat. Like if they had meat and the fat that'd be trimmed, they would ask for the fat. So she liked eating the fat. Cause it was like what she got then at some point was like if that's all they're trimming we'll take throwaways yeah well so that was her mentality was like you'll be fine it was not like a don't be a pussy but it was it was more like stop it oh that's your problem fucking run out of food i think there's something really so my mom was similar upbringing, handled it in a different way.

Yeah. She kicked you. Yeah, but I mean, only once. And I will say, I deserved it. Yeah,

it was your fault. You said you want to go. Yes, but I will say that type of parent, especially now as, you know, I've gotten older

and seen more generations. It's a, it was a really nice gift, man. Yeah. Of somebody like, I grew up with food i did not grow up struggling i did not have that brutality right she did a great job with me i knew what she lived through and so i could like see that that was a reality but i'm like man i

don't know the more people i've met where they have you you hear about their upbringing, it's like love over love over support over support for generations. You're like, even your great grandparents were kind and wealthy. You had everything forever? So, wait a second. There were people in like 1890 who had good lives? I thought good life started in the 80s. Yeah. And even then.

Even then, kind of, but that was the drugs. Yeah. life started in the 80s yeah and even then even then kind of but that was the drugs yeah and but i was like i did not realize until way too late that like oh people's hat people have had happy families yeah generationally right and i'm like and lots of love and lots of support yeah but i think what you miss a little bit is going back to this what we're talking about this business the grind of it in here here, we pour whiskey. Hey, have you ever searched your name online? It's a no bueno, okay?

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They're in the stores. They're sold almost everywhere that your little eyes could gaze upon at a liquor store. Go grab some rabbit hole. Jump down the rabbit hole with me. Please drink responsibly and enjoy. Ginger. I like gingers. Yeah.

So I don't know. This is a question for you just to goof off for a little bit. But when you're talking about the looks, I've had debates with friends a lot of how much of this game is talent and how much of it is grind because I don't believe in luck. No, I don't either. It's so funny. I've said this before on the show. I think luck is a bullshit word. People use it because they don't grind hard where they go like,

oh, well, did you know, like, that guy just came out here and look at who hooked him up. And you go like, well, how do you think that person hooked me up? Wait, you think they were just walking around Walmart hooking people up? Help! Help! In what goddamn world? no that's like no it's all a game but my big kind of thing that i've kind of gotten to that i like to think about is like but what the fuck is talent it's not like we're magicians right we're like yeah you know you go like well what's talent i'm a juggler i did 95

balls at once and you go undeniably that's pretty incredible yeah yeah we're all doing about three or four balls maybe maybe i can get the two i get two real maybe you learn to do a trick with a little bit of fire and only because you realize it's just a hot ball yeah it's not gonna burn me and then you go well there's thousands of us doing the same kind of juggling a lot of people want to play with a hot ball why do certain people keep winning and winning? I'm like, it has to just be out of 100, hustle's 80% of the game. So much. I think it's an uneven amount of hustle over talent, so much so that sometimes very, very talented people,

as we know, this is a story as old as time, who don't have the go-go get. They just don't snap. They don't have the business and show. Like there's one guy that I know, I think as old as time, who don't have the go-go get. They just don't snap. They don't have the business and show. Like there's one guy that I know that I think about all the time and I would never say his name or anything, but I thought he was genuinely one of our most talented friends that we had in our group when we all first started.

It was undeniable how good he was. And he just, he fucked off. He fucked off so much that it wasn't the drinking or the getting high. We all partied. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were 24. But it was like, he just didn't give enough of a fuck.

I've had this similar thing. And you're like, don't you care? You're better than all of us. So get out the, yeah. You know who we both are right now? Benny Affleck to Matt Damon in Goodwill. 100%.

You know, if I see you on this construction site, I'm going to kick the shit out of you. We needed that. I needed to do that. Because you're right though. I do think it's,

I think it is a lot of, it's so much more pushing, but then once you get in, right, it's almost like you've seen those trains in China where they shove everybody in.

Yes. It's like shoving and shoving. That's what the business is. That's exactly right. It's like, and then, but once you get in, you better be fucking good. Yeah, but also now the game starts. Right.

Now you have to really maneuver. I like the train thing. I've always viewed it as this town is like a huge, beautiful table and there's X amount of seats and you got to fight and fight and fight and you get a seat and you think like, now I got a seat I can eat. And then as soon as you sit down, they say, everybody stand everybody stand up again right and then all of a sudden they take away a few seats yeah and then there's a whole new generation that comes in that you go like i don't know these people and then you start watching you go like no i don't like that shit that's not

for me and then you see a groove and you go they're doing some good stuff yeah that's a funny group that's a good shift though yeah but you go like that's a really talent like there's some talent yeah and you go like hey man great and then talent. Like, there's some talent. Yeah. And you go like, hey, man, great. And then you go, at least for me, my game goes, because I've been out playing this for a while. I want to fight for a seat again or am I good? Yeah.

And you go, I still like the, because it's less anything else. I like the game. It's fun. It's fun. I like the hustle. I like the grind. I feel like I'm walking up on someone's door knocking and going like, I got a beautiful sign for you. Like, let's hustle. Let's fun. I like the hustle. I like the grind. I feel like I'm walking up on someone's door, knocking and going like, I got a beautiful sign for you.

Like, let's hustle. Let's do it. What is this? Like, the game changes. Everyone goes like, the business is so different, man. I go like, thank God. Yeah. Well, you wanted to stay the same.

It's always going to change. Could you imagine if we're still playing this game in 20 years? What we're going to be doing? So ugly. It'd be ugly. It's miserable. It's good that it's changing that's so funny but it's i wish it never changed you're like really really none of it okay dude i think

you're misstepping every generation you come the kind of the old heads always say like you know when i came out we were doing like early youtube videos yeah i was part of like the derrick waters group who created the drunk history. Yeah, yeah, I remember. Saying like, let's do it in a backyard. He did that because of you. Is that a lie? The rumor was that you guys got fucked up together

and you were telling him a bullshit story. Yeah, but none of it was, it was not us, it was him. I got drunk. Yeah, but you gave him some of the... Yeah, well, I told a story about Otis Redding that I believed to be true. It's a 10-minute story. I can tell it to you in three lines. Otis Redding that I believed to be true. It's a 10-minute story.

I can tell it to you in three lines. Otis Redding, the night before he died, used to write all his movies with his wife, or his songs with his wife. He gets on a private plane, has a feeling, gets off, goes to her, and says, no matter what happens, promise me you'll be good. And she goes, you're crazy. Get on the plane. He goes, I'm not getting on until you say it.

She goes, I promise. He gets on the plane. The plane crashes. in which lake like monota or lake mondota second one it's a tough it's tough isn't it every time i go to madison i go which fucking lake did he crash in i want to stare at it for an hour so that's the story right yeah uh this was really pre-internet and google hard pushes sure so i'd heard it in a bar in chicago right uh when i told it to derek i took 45 minutes and i was doing voices i truly believed he was having an out-of-body experience because he was looking at me like this and i thought like you're in the groove jgj don't stop if you're surfing finish the wave so i went for it the next day he calls me up he goes hey

man can i come back with our friend Jeremy Conner and can we get you drunk and film you telling that story? And I was thinking, like, well, I understand why you'd want to film and I don't understand why I would be drunk like a goddamn clown. And he said, I want to reenact it and have Otis Redding behind you being like, shut the fuck up. None of this happened. And as a commercial actor at

the time i said i can't have my agency me drunk back then i was smart that's actually really smart i was like man i just got in the union i was just getting commercials i was still catering i was like no i can't do a youtube video where i'm blackout drunk man i was like won't do it and he goes all right i'll get somebody else will you just be in it? And then it started. But that whole era, the older guys that, like, you rustic in would be saying to us, you do that shit for free? Yeah. Well, you're hurting all of us. And I'd be like, yeah, but I got to.

Yeah, we don't have a choice. I got to make something. I got to hustle. Yeah, what did you want me to do? Not work, because you guys aren't giving me jobs. Right. And so I'm like, oh, fun, man. Then you get in and you start going, like, you guys are doing all that for free? Well, you giving me jobs. Right. And so I'm like, oh, fun, man. Then you get in and you start going like,

you guys are doing all that for free? Well, you're killing us. Right. And I'm like, I am balding too. I get it. I see what happened here, guys. Good stuff. That is the fact, though.

That's the game. And what you're saying there is interesting. As I told you, what I said was that the most impressive thing that I found in my life is instead of doing that weird fucked up thing when you see younger or others and going, no, is going, oh, let me see this for what it's worth. Yep. Also, I can work with this. Yes, totally.

You know what it's like? It's like Pesh doing that show, Bob Kiss with Pete Davidson show. You calling Peshy Pesh? My man. Are you boys with Peshy? I don't want to tell you nothing. I don't know your business. Are you fucking French?

You come at me with a knife, you better come back with a gun. Peshy doing that to me was like... I agree. It's like, oh yeah. It's doing this to the younger generation and also understanding his seat is

still there because he's kept up because he's like, I know what I think is cool. And I'm still here and I'm still here. And I'll come back down to the seat. By the way, a little bit, I'm sure I'm not saying they made him read it, but I'm sure he went out for that.

And there was a ton of deliberation that they were like, is he good for this thing? Yeah. People at home are like, they'll just give anything. That's not how it works. That's not how it works. No.

I'm sure they sat in the room and they go, will this work? Because honestly, he won't read. He won't take meetings. He doesn't know what the fuck Zoom is.

So who knows? So if he comes in and we have all worked with older guys and older women that are dog shit. Oh my God. And you start

and you go like, man, I was really excited about this bit because it sets up the character and your brain is mashed by fucking tatos and there's no way out of it and they're doing this with their with their readers on the phone and they have bad attitudes yeah and they're mad at you about everything because and then you like i always improvise and i don't improvise as like a big it just starts to happen and then they'll go now i don't know

where i am and i'm like well I don't know what to tell you. We're here together. You saw the words that were there. Yeah. And also, I'm not a. Put a couple. I'm not like an improv joke guy. And I'm not like a gotcha guy.

Right. So my improv did end with a question. I was hoping it set you up for something. I was opening the door. I just thought you'd want to. I'm happy if you win, my guy. I just forgot the lines. Yeah. And thought'd want to. I'm happy if you win, my guy. I just forgot the lines. Yeah.

And thought, well, I'm here and you're here. And also, you know we get to do this again. This isn't real film. None of this matters. You know, none of this matters. Well, the most complimentary thing I've ever seen is sometimes I'll work with people that are so good at improv, but they give you everything. Yeah. I've always been jealous of those guys.

Yeah. I can bounce with almost anybody. But the guy that can give you stuff, but they almost don't take anything because of it. Like I only did one fun scene with Bateman. I did Arrested Development. And, dude, there are some guys where you're like, so you don't get anything back. You just get to give setups.

Well, I got to tell you, I'm a big fan of Bateman. I like to be that role. Yeah. Straight, straight, straight, straight. Well, I like to, you know, obviously if you're in a groove, get your laughs. Yeah. But in a very selfish way, it's because you become the first audience member. And especially if you're doing episodic and you're with the same people over and over.

Which you've done a lot. I get really bored. Sure. So if you and I are doing something and I'm like, man, I really like this guy. We went out like a super funny guy. I you've done a lot. I get really bored. Sure. So if you and I are doing something and I'm like, man, I really like this guy. We went out like a super funny guy. I know he likes this zone.

I know he doesn't like this zone. So in the scene, if I can get you to this zone and you have to play along and you score, it's the joy for me. Yeah. Because then you both know

like you'll be in a scene and you'll say something and we'll make eye contact. And when the other person at two shot then goes like, you'll be in a scene and you'll say something and we'll make eye contact. And when the other person at two-shot then goes like, yeah, like, I know where we're going to go. I love that. And it ends with you winning. Right.

Yeah, you're going to win. You're going to win. I'm going to put you in a zone where we're both going to be biting our cheeks because you're going to have to do that thing that you said in confidence. Like, I just don't feel comfortable doing this. The night before we were drinking, I'm like, that's really cool. Gotcha. Let's have some fun.

And that, to me, if you get somebody scoring and having fun, it makes those 12-hour days fun. A lot easier. A lot easier. Is there someone you remember working with that you did that to the most? Well, Lamorne Morris. I literally was going to guess Lamorne. I was like, he's got to be the most fun

because he's very talented and handsome, which is a little fucking annoying. But Lamorne is, so when Lamorne is a guy because he would very clearly have a look of panic at times where you would put like,

if he would ever improvise something, uh, and one of the things I really love to do when somebody's improvising and they get out a little bit ahead of themselves is just go. Which happens a lot.

A lot. Well, you're making shit up. It's really hard. You're just going. And what people don't realize, there's a full crew. There's a lot of anxiety. By the way, the boom doing this thing,

when there's too much improv and him going. Oh, hating it. The operator's literally going like this. But you got to keep gunning. We're not going to use most of this, guys. Negative crew members. It is very funny. Are so funny.

It makes me laugh. Max Greenfield and I used to do something on that show that was so childish but so fun, and that is when we would be improvising and nobody liked it. Yeah. And the crew hated it. The writers didn't like it.

It was late, and it was just childish. You can feel it. The air is thick. No one's into it. And the crew hated it. The writers didn't like it. It was late and it was just childish. You can feel it. The air is thick. No one's into it. But we're now doing the thing where I'm like, I put you

in a position and he's like, I put you in a position. He would go, uh-oh, the boys are cooking with gas.

And then we'd point at crew members and we'd be like, Monty's dying. Look at the boom. He can't hold it in. He's like. And none of them.

Yeah. They didn't think that was funny. So then you're in a zone where there's a 50-year-old guy looking at you like this. And you go, look at this fucking guy. He's like this. I can't work. I can't break. I can't break.

I'm only going to do a few more takes, my guy. Then he'd go, one more for the crew. When you enter that galaxy. Yeah. I'm like, oh, this shit gets fun it is fun it is it's fake by the way that's the funniest part when everybody gets serious you're like you know this is all fake all of it even if you're doing stuff that like people are pretending really matters it's all we are grown-ups make make believe this is meant to be fun it's dress up seinfeld that was my favorite seinfeld's like we're playingup. Like the best version of dress-up we've ever done.

When you moved out here, what was the big dream? Uh, honestly, at the beginning... Embarrassing, let's hear it. Oh yeah, I'll tell you, because I lied and told my parents I was coming out here to write comedy. But I knew better. It was I wanted to do stand-up. I was so embarrassed about even admitting stand-up. And by the way, didn't even remotely say acting.

That, to my parents, was like, acting? Fucking acting. Okay, buddy. It was like, no fucking way could I have ever said acting. But my biggest...

Yeah, it was... No, worse. It'd be like, it was spoken word. It was like... Writing comedy is a job. I'm like, I'm gonna go out there it was spoken word it was like that's right writing comedy is a job going like I'm gonna go out there I'm gonna do spoken word no you're not no you're not

you're staying here my I think my I think truly it was SNL at the beginning stages of my life to write or to be in it just to be on it I wanted to be on it

so bad yeah yeah yeah I got to test for it it was nice oh you did I did yeah it was nice I've told the story

ad nauseum on this show I'm sure fans are like shut the fuck up I got to go test and then It was nice. Oh, you did? I did, yeah. It was nice. I've told the story ad nauseum on this show. I'm sure fans are like, shut the fuck up. I got to go test and then fly back out and sit with Lorne and him very sweetly afterwards be like, I think it's going to be Pete Davidson. And I was like, that's a good choice. No, it was actually, I've said it so much on this show. I couldn't agree with the pick. I was 31.

Yeah. He was 20. Yeah, God bless. What the fuck are we talking about yeah who wants a 31 year old that's already been on television and already and i was already touring as a stand-up i was figuring out my shit it was a no-brainer but so when that that was my dream that was interesting at that at that at my when i was 22 if you would have said what is it it was that yeah but i wanted to tour and be a stand-up of course i thought that you know what it was it was like

with steve martin yeah guys like that where you're like you could touch all the bases yeah you touched all the bases yeah i think like totally those kind of guys were kind of my like uh you know of course eddie murphy like those are heroes when we were kids i was like they can do anything and it's amazing yeah they can do stand-up they could do sketch they could do anything anything and it was great what was your when you came out what was your um that's interesting yeah i because i see you as such like a stand-up actor yeah like you know where you're like i don't think of sketch no and it truly like that's what's that's what's so fucked up i was disillusioned by all the previous stand-ups that had gone on that show because i could see you

doing like weekend update for sure yeah yeah i mean mean, that I would love. But then you look at the guys now. Yeah. And like, I know those guys. They're so fucking good at that job. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're killers. And I know America, you know, they're so funny when people are like,

the personnel, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You're like, okay, do it. Yeah, yeah. Go fucking try it. Yeah. I dare you to go write that many jokes. Oh, week after week after week. Good fucking luck.

But also with a live audience that matters. Go ahead and do it. Yeah. And by the way, in a studio that they've been sitting, they sat in a line outside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Get the fuck out of here. Go do it. Go ahead. I'm doing it at the store at night to people that are drinking, that cannot wait to laugh. SNL's doing it to fucking cold, sober people in November in New York

who's been outside for an hour and a half in line. Then they had to wait to get in. Then they wait for the thing. It's like, go try it. But anyway, that was my, yeah, that was kind of like the thing I thought was going to be, that would be it for me. Everything, yeah. Yeah, but I honestly, now, this is it.

For me, comedy, stand-up and acting. You love it. Stand-up, I could do till I'm dead. Acting, I'll do until they tell me to go away. But stand-up will always you love it stand-up i could do till i'm dead acting i'll do until they tell me to go away but stand-up will always tell i'm dead it'll be the one where it's like you'll have to be like dude you love it it's the cruise ship is docked you got to get off and he'll be like yeah but then i'll perform here yeah while people get off there's money to be had there's laughs to be had people got to go to their cars no it is true and that that to me would be like the when it's over yeah that's that will be my end that's fun when you moved what did you

want well for me growing up it was always cheers it was cheers it was so my family getting together we had one tv yeah and pre we did not have cable growing up so we had nbc and when Cheers or Roseanne came on we watched. Oh, Roseanne. And in my house, my mother who was the boss, her mood set the table. And if she's laughing, our house was awesome. And if she wasn't, it depends on the day.

But if she was laughing, it was fucking awesome. And so shows that made her laugh, I thought like, man, I want to be one of them i want to be a character on a television show and i really thought i really believed that if you had that everything else worked out i didn't really understand that like you go home and you have your own issues and life goes on i thought like you live that fantasy and you're gonna have a pool and a convertible and just money coming out your ass and your ears and for a job you like walk into a bar and you

know like woody for that for example yeah sam for that norm to be cliff clavin i was like these guys were such killers yeah and then when i watched roseanne seeing like you know what goodman did where i was like oh he's grounding this but he's like, he's funny. And I was like, man, just that. That was it. That was it times 100. Movies, I've always thought were cool, but I was never, even when like we were all in our like late teenage, early 20s and films were cool and TV sucked, I've always been

into TV. Oh, even when it was like at the height of like comedy film for but even like for me even if you have like the you know scorsese all these really cool people yeah i'm still not a guy who's like did you see the new tarantino movie i'm like i mean i'm sure i will and i'm definitely gonna be impressed because he's wildly talented but i'm not like did you see the 35 millimeter printouts of the the Beverly? I'm like, pass. But I did watch 19 episodes of television. Because it's at home.

Yeah. And I didn't have to leave. But it's, and you know why, you know, I appreciate it because all of those shows

for some reason, maybe this is a Chicago bias, but it felt like they were all Chicago. I don't know what was going on. For years they were. But so many was. Beyond the fact that John Hughes had spewed Chicago all over film so heavily that everyone you even saw,

it was like everyone that was coming out of everything was all Chicago. Yeah, it felt like it was all for us. You had characters. You had Bill Murray. So the Murray family are just Chicago through and through. Yeah. It's not like because he's talented like there's a vibe he gives off yeah belushi you know both belushis yeah they just that is chicago yeah there's a feeling i mean farley who wasn't but even though he did the second he was it felt like

that's that's chicago he's milwaukee but he's but he's chicago tim meadows Same thing. You're like, Tina Fey, Rachel Dratch, that group where you're like, oh, you've been touched. There was like a feeling of like Chicago's been here, and this is what we do. Yeah. And you go, at least for me, that was always the dream. And then, you know, when we're talking earlier about the game keeps changing, I'm like, our sitcom's going to be in the game in 10 years i i i do

honestly think so i genuinely think i don't i think a version of them will be yes but a version of them an eight episode comedic show which is very cool is not an old tv show that's true and it's great right and it's really good content. And I'm playing that game too. And I like it, but in doing it, I'm like, these are little movies. Yeah. We're back to shooting a little movie. And now, uh, the, uh, TV show I did was always single camera. So we had big hours, but what was different is we did sometimes 25 episodes a year. So you become the character, the writers are writing for you for you your bits make it onto the show you then do that

you have a seven year contract you go through fat phases on television and then the writers write it and you go like why is my character eating donuts for breakfast and everyone else has grapefruit what did you eat for breakfast you don't even fit in sweatpants

as you're asking them? Exactly. I'm like, this is just one. Yeah. This was my morning fucking, don't judge me. Don't judge me.

But that, to me, I've gotten away from it and I'm starting to get back in my life. But then I started thinking like, movies are cool. Maybe, you know,

you get into more dramas. Well, the, you know, the thing to me that's exciting about the change is like i don't know i hope it fucking keeps it keeps feeling different because then the horizon may be brighter then it's like saying well who knows what the the idea that a live audience watched a sitcom and they went there and they watched like yes that probably is a long way

from home now we're probably not the world of multis are a little different. But maybe a new version of that thing does spring up and I'm not smart enough to figure it out. Same with me. So it's like, let the fucking, let the ticker sink. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like go for it. Whatever you're trying to do.

I like that idea because to me, uh, it's more create your own adventure instead of just like format, format, format, format, format, format. You're like, we need a little bit of funk in there. But the game and what I've realized I love about TV is once you've created a quarter pounder with cheese, when you go back to art versus grind, there's a lot of great art in just making that quarter pounder over and over and over. And it is. It is the best. And when you do it for a while, you think like,

maybe it's not the best. Maybe it's just a quarter pounder with cheese. And then you go like, I made a project where, you know, part of it, I was like, you know, you break up the acts. I'm like, if the first act's a cheeseburger and fries at a Chicago diner, and the second act is like a vegan burger with fries, sweet potato fries, but it tastes right. Like one of those good ones.

Right. With like then one of those hipster sodas. It tastes like a Coke. Like an lollipop. Yeah, it tastes like a goddamn Coke. But what's in it? I don't know. Don't care.

But everybody tells me it's healthy. I used to think then the third act should be like a fucking sushi platter. Oh. So that the audience goes like, and they're as manic as me. And now as I've aged, i'm kind of like when i'm watching something and i see the people doing it for the writer's room yeah and i see the people

doing it for each other and the idea of like you know he's the comics comic or the writer's writer the actor's actor i used to really value that and think it was cool and now i'm like you're the act the audience's actor it's for the people watching yeah you know who this is for the millions of people at home you know they don't want that third act fucking sushi you goofball they might not even want an impossible burger what are you doing and so you can go like well i i got bored so what i thought who cares yeah it's not for you they like it right you like doing it have some fucking gratitude motherfucker and dance yeah and also make it just make a really good burger at top and then and can you do that and can you keep doing it going back to the thing you're saying about the snl things when people keep

changing you go like you think it's easy you think it's easy to make a great burger and have a successful restaurant for a decade? Good luck. Try it. Yeah, go ahead. Do it. You can maybe get five or six episodes, maybe two years. Try it for 10. And if you're able to be on a group, even if you're not the main chef, I'm like, oh,

I'm reestablishing of like, oh, that's the goal. Yeah. Fill it up where you're like, everybody here is a killer. Everyone's so funny. I want everyone to score. these people make me laugh the whoever creates it i think they're smarter than all of us they understand something that we don't about the engine of this car yes and you go and if you can land in it and in this day and age that thing can drive you say at the beginning when we're all signed our contracts, anybody here a fucking maniac or are we all adults?

Anybody going to get weird? Yeah. Because if not, let's play this game for a while. There should be the, is anybody a maniac? Talk before every job.

Well, you know how they have the, what do they have before the job? We have to do like the, the sex, what is it called? You know, like the, the,

they make us sit you know before you shoot a TV show the sexual harassment training right the training which is a nightmare but it would be so funny

if they had a are you a maniac training yes and then you get quizzed on it part of the maniac training is like

you're going to be fine season one what happens if all the press says you're good what do you think of everybody else be honest and a lie

detector i think everyone's equal yeah right i think i'm better than all these fools and they're gonna say uh how about that person gets all the heat how you gonna feel i'm gonna hate him so much i'm gonna go crazy okay you're a maniac you're allowed to have some feelings yeah some but like this is a team and we're trying to win on the team. You know what that's like? That's like, did you ever see, oh, God. The movie inside the movie, oh, For Your Consideration. Did you ever watch that? Yeah. For Your Consideration.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chris Guest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was a brilliant concept. It was about a bunch of yahoos who made a bad movie. And they think that there's Oscar buzz. It's genius. Yes.

And they all change their personalities. It is a microcosm of society in general. The moment that you tell people that they're this, they just believe. So we used to do to my Aunt Philomena growing up. By the way, what a name. Philomena? Did you call her Aunt Phil? I mean, kind of.

Mostly Philomena. You'd say the full name? Yeah, always. Aunt Philomena? Yeah. I'm trying to do it in the yard. Philomena? Did you call her Aunt Phil? I mean, kind of. Mostly Philomena. You'd say the full name? Yeah, always. Aunt Philomena? Yeah. I'm trying to do it in the yard. Yeah. Philomena!

Aunt Philomena! No, yeah. I don't think I ever called her Phil. I think her siblings might have called her Philly, but I called her Philomena. I like Philly. Me too. Aunt Philly's good. What about her, though?

Go ahead. Well, they used to, my uncles used to do a game where they would say, when you see Philomena, ask her if she's okay. There you go. Okay. Okay. They would say, later, the next round, say she looks like a little pasty, see if she's okay.

And so the kids, you'd just be like, hey, Timmy, hey, Johnny, hey, Philomena, are you okay? She'd go, I'm fine. Why? Anyhow, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then later, hey, Philomena, are you okay? She'd go, I'm fine. Why? Anyhow, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then later, Hey, Phil, are you okay? You look pasty.

Why are you so pasty? By the end of the thing, she'd be like, I think I'm sick. Yeah, because it's that same thing. If somebody tells you you're something, you're something. You are.

Yeah, you introduce it into their mind, it just happens. It starts. And if that happens in a cast, I mean mean i bet it's the same thing with sports you know what do you mean that's just it's gotta be it's got the thing about sports i look at is so different than our game because i just think like i don't know i like to be a fan and not think about it but you imagine how hard it must be if like you know somebody has like a great season or gets a big contract you know you all pretend to be happy a great season or gets a big contract.

You know, you all pretend to be happy where you're like, 84 million, three years, guaranteed. Wow, yeah. And it's like, yeah, man, blessed. You've said blessed a few times. You're born blessed. You are $81.3 million richer than me. It's a lot of money, my guy. Because I'm on a one-year $3 million deal,

and I was bragging to everyone in my life. I pay for everything to everybody. I genuinely don't think you're better than me. We're both tight ends. I think you're good. You're young. I think you're good. You're $81 million more valuable to this business than I am.

It's hard to go to practice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How do you justify? How do you justify? If you go like, I'm a 10 year vet.

I'm one of those guys. I'm in the league. And then they go, yeah, the Bengals are offering me a, your agent calls and they go like, one year deal, a league minimum. And you go,

really? What's the franchise tag for my position? The middle. 35 million. And what's the franchise tag for my position? The middle. $35 million. And what's the league minimum for a 10-year? $900,000. Yeah, $900,000. $900,000 to...

Just shy of a million. That's all they'd say. That's all pre-tax. That's how they'd phrase it. It's pre-taxes? Yeah, it's around a million. It's just right. Kiss him up to a million.

And what's guaranteed if I get injured? Not a mooch. Now, if you get... Let me look. Hold on. Let me look at the paperwork. Kiss him up to him. What's guaranteed if I get injured? Not a mooch. No, if you get, let me look. Hold on. Let me look at the paperwork. There is none of that. So you would be, yeah, you'd be out. So you're essentially paid per day around like 4,500 bucks.

Right. And these other guys are making just shy of. So much money. Just shy of like 78 grand a day. And then the coach goes like this. This is about us. Who we stand for. You watch Hard Knocks. It's one of those speeches and they're like, what's our identity?

I think we all have different identities. It's about wins and losses. It's also it is about wins and losses. It's about other things too. It's about a lot of other stuff that's going on. It's about wins and losses. 84 million league minimum. That's something too. By the way, we should make a doc called League Minimum and follow just League Minimum guys.

Psychologically find out how they actually feel about the locker room. Because it is funny. Those guys that get stepped on, you know, like, did you watch New Hard Knocks? I didn't see it. This season? Yeah. Oh, it's a blast.

Well, I want to watch it. I've stayed away from it for a second. As a Bear fan, you're afraid of? No, I just, well, here's the deal i ran into aaron rogers at a golf thing and and i remember being in the cart and being you know just canned i was canned and my buddy who's just such a fucking instigator was like aaron rogers is at the uh at the halfway house there and i was like no shit yeah and i can hear myself being like say something fucking funny to him say something real fucking funny real sharp that's your inner voice yeah so i'm like

just give him something good you know and i get up there he turns he goes what's up guys and i go how you doing that's it hey how you doing and the whole time i was like don't say anything else don't say anything else nothing came out because inherently else. Nothing came out. Because inherently, I don't give a fuck. Every Chicago fan knows. He's incredible. I would kill to have him on the Bears. I'd slit a throat. So here's what's nice about this documentary.

So I'm doing a podcast now with my buddy Gareth. Do you know Gareth Reynolds? I love Gareth Reynolds. Gareth Reynolds was a writer on the animated series I just did. Oh, he's the best. Yeah. Did you do a voice on that? No. Which one was this? On Royal Crackers? No. Okay. And you should. Oh, he's the best. Yeah. Wait, did you do a voice on that? No.

Which one was this? On Royal Crackers? No. Okay. And you should. Yeah, great. Okay. Yeah, I'd love to.

League minimum. Maybe. At best. Yeah, at best. Yeah, I was just going to say. So he's a diehard Packer fan. Yeah. He has a tattoo on his arm.

Mm-hmm. And just loves Aaron Rodgers. And for years as a diehard Bears fan, it's been hard. And so I have convinced, anytime Aaron Rodgers is in a denim outfit, I just send it to Gareth and I'll be like, interesting outfit. Any press he does, I'll be like, I'm not sure if to me this would be what leadership was. But I'm also like, but maybe it's because I'm a Bears fan, but talking about going in a

dark room for five days while i'm an offensive lineman and i'm like working really hard maybe i'd like him to be like studying film i don't know just doesn't feel like a leader to me but it's a new world he's always like oh shut up shut up once he's gone to the jets the narrative has gone so 180 where i'm like how do you get rid of such a legend? He's so charming. And he's like, who, denim jacket guy? And then he'll send me back the photos and I'm like, he was going through it. You know what? He's got a sense of humor. He's experimenting.

He's fun. Guess what? Sorry you're so uptight. Stuck in your Green Bay mentality. But it's been really fun to watch as a Bears fan because you get to finally go like, he's one of the greatest quarterbacks of our era. Oh, of all time.

And you're like, but you also, there's only so many of these truly great players. Yeah. The problem was he hated us so bad. Well, it was actually more we hated him. Yes. He was so good. Yeah.

It was the fucking, it was the thing of when someone hates you And your ability But they really don't have much And you're like Stop it The only reason he did the I own you Is because some lady flicked him off and yelled

You heard her Chicago being like Fuck you You're like fuck you You know what the relationship is? It's San Francisco and LA San Francisco inherently L.A. I always say this. San Francisco inherently hates Los Angeles. And they always talk shit.

Everybody up there is like, fuck, L.A. You live down in that shithole. We don't give a fuck at all. I don't even view them as in California. They're not. I'm like this. Yeah, I like it there. It's nice.

It's fine. Who cares? I don't think about it even a little bit. Ever. It can't stand us. That's really right. That is Roger the Bear. It's nice. It's fine. Who cares? I don't think about it even a little bit. Ever. I can't stand those. That's really right. That is Rogers the Bear. That's exactly right. It's like, he doesn't give, he never gave a fuck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Until they, until he was so funny, by the way, and all that stuff was funny. Yeah, agreed. You know, so it was like. Yeah, it was hard. He was, he was so good. Yeah. We were little brother syndrome.

We were like, I'll get you one day. Just to titillate the fans, because I know they would love to hear more about this. But I'm sorry, guys. No, I know. But what do you think of our Bears this year? I'm still behind the kid. I still love the kid. Yeah.

I still love the kid. Well, I know. But everyone's got their own two cents about him. I'm still behind the kid. I love him a lot. Your tone's different than mine. Yeah. Oh, wow. You're gung-ho. Oh yeah oh yeah i'm not seeing any of the hesitation yet you look at

the team he had last year and what he pulled off no it was impressive as shit yeah i'm like you look at what he did in ohio state yeah his first year he had naggy naggy was a maniac i know he was a maniac there's a piece of naggy that i that i really loved just because he was a maniac there's a piece of Nagy that I really loved I did too just cause he was a fucking lunatic yeah I like lunatic shit because Belichick was a lunatic coach too

he just did it differently do you know what I mean there's some guys that know how to do it like Popovich for basketball they were like Greg Popovich

is a fucking lunatic he was brilliant or they just happened to win yeah they're just gonna I know because it goes back to he also had Tim Duncan the last few years now that he's got that 7 foot 10 kid Or they just happen to win. Yeah, they're just going to – Because it goes back to like – I know.

He also had Tim Duncan. Right. The last few years, now that he's got that 7'10 kid who can handle the rock, he's going to go back to being a great coach. Last few years, what have the Spurs been doing? He's still the same maniac. Sleeping. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Right?

No, it's true. No, it is. A part of it is how you control your mania. But I think the Bears are going to be definitely stronger than we were last year. Right. But I'm forever worried

about what happens with the Bears when it gets good. Meaning? Every time when it gets

a little bit good, we start to fucking go to shit. And we believe in ourselves in a way where you're like, look at us. Look at this. And then it just spills over. We're like, all right.

Which is, by the way, to me, the opposite. That's the first time I've heard that take on Bears success. When it gets a little bit good as an organization, the Chicago Bears go, look at us. Look at us. Chicago gets proud of itself. Like, not bad. Not bad. Which is the opposite with the Cubs. go, look at us. Chicago gets proud of itself like, not bad. Which is the opposite with the Cubs. The Cubs at the beginning of the year, every time, suck. They fucking, my dad,

the Cubs fucking suck. They're fucking 10 away from 500. Now look at them and everyone's like, hey, Cubs, pretty cool to see St. Louis at last. It's the same conversation. So for me with the Bears

my whole life I've never gotten too excited about only because you're afraid that they're gonna emotionally hurt you cause they're gonna

blow up what the fuck has happened every year well you know what's funny about our age gap is like how hard

did you cry in 06 06 06 when the Cubs won the World Series no no no 06 Bears oh this is the won the World Series? No, no, no. 06 Bears.

Oh, this is the... No, 07. Oh, it was the double doink. Whatever that was. Yeah, that was 07. I don't remember the year. I didn't cry. It's just one of those moments where I'm like, this is it.

What I had on that, that was the kid Cody Parkey, the kicker. Cody Packy. Packy. I remember on that one, I really liked our team. I really thought their team. I really thought we were building. I did have the nickname Money Mitch for Mitch Trubisky. Did you really?

Oh, yeah. Because he seemed to be clutch. I hated the draft pick. I hate when these guys pretend to be geniuses and go like, we've got three kids who have had four years in college. They put up really big numbers.

And the obvious choice is to go after them. There's some muscle-bound kid who has never played the game of football. Yeah. Deep in the outback. And I'm a genius. He's training using truck tires. And where did he play college?

North Carolina. They have a football team? What were his numbers? He was a backup. I'm like, I'm being spun that this is a good move. You got guys. You'll see. You'll see.

But you got guys I'm like, I watched Deshaun Watson in the, and I don't watch college football. I just watch the big games. Yeah. That dude's available? Yeah, he's good. We traded? Take that guy.

Yeah. Which one? The guy I just watched three weeks ago who's the best player in college football who happens to play a quarterback position of need and then they go bears have traded up and i'm like i'm sure it's that kid from clemson and then they go mitchell true mitch and then the first thing i googled was he had an old tweet that said i like kissing titties do you remember this i actually really respected that tweet a lot i'd like kissing titties. Do you remember this? I actually really respected that tweet a lot. I like kissing titties as your leader. Come on, man.

He's not wrong. I do like kissing titties. Give him a little bit of credit. I get the thought. You got to walk through this. He's sitting there. He goes, I like kissing titties. His boy goes, write it.

Then the leader goes like this that's a good idea logs in I space like and send it

who's it for what are people gonna go like hey man I got this I just saw this unbelievable tweet by a college football player

what'd it say I like kissing titties retweet that shit's not gonna pop people are gonna go like this yeah that's like the same thing his next tweet is like taking big dumps feels good yeah don't tweet it don't tweet that don't do it i am gonna get behind titties you like the tweet i think it's funny i do like kissing big titties why not also you're in the mind of a 19 what is he 20 year old kid still you're putting a 20 year old kid who's being groomed now if you're talking about an undrafted free agent who had like whoever

we got that quarterback now that kid uh uh tangent whatever his name is who might be something sure if he tweeted from shepherd state i like kissing big asses i'll go like this doesn't matter and i also can't and then again. It's fun. It's fun. It'd be fun. I get it. You're saying, you're saying star shit. I'm saying. Being groomed, the machines behind you. When you're in high school and you're the high school player of the year and you've got people in your

ear and also filling your wallet with money and them going like, so you will have this opportunity to live out this dream. You are on a track. We're going to go. It's coming. It's coming this dream. You are on a track. It's coming. It's coming. You will have a look.

I don't know if you'll deliver. But there's a lot of those kids that you're like, there's only 25 of them that get invited to all these camps. Right. You're invited to the camps. You're hanging out on a Friday night. You're going like this. I got to go public with something. What are you announcing?

A new partnership? No, no, no. I'm going gonna announce that I like to kiss tits. Slow clap from the whole room. I did it. No. No one says no to that guy. That's the problem. When you're young

and you're the most successful, there is no one in your group that goes, don't do it. Inner voice. Doesn't have it. Doesn't have it. He's been fucking his brains been getting mishmashed around in his head since he was seven. Since his dad was like, hit the concrete wall in the garage until you can't feel your feet. Then you get dinner. That's the thing about these football players.

The more football players I become friends with in the professional sense, the more you're like, when they're 30 and they go, I kind of want to walk soon. And everyone's like, what? And you're like, dude. You're giving this something. You're like, I have to. They broke their body their whole, since they were children. Now, if a fucking golfer is like, I got to get out. You're like, you're fucking.

I need a break to get my feet on the ground. Your feet are on the ground. The whole time. You're doing just fine. Just golf poorly for a couple years, but I wouldn't stop. The golden faucet is shooting out gold. I would stay there, man.

Let them kick you off that court. That's what I would say. If I had a young boy, if I ever have a young boy, 100%, you're golfing every day. You're playing no other sports but golf. Because you look at... I love golf.

I'm a big golfer. You look at a guy who plays good golf there's a kid named Will Zalatoris I don't know if you ever know anything about him he was talking about how he didn't like to live

and all this stuff and he's like you're making plenty of money and buy it up I think he spoke a little out of turn because there's a lot of guys on tour that aren't

making great money but here's a guy Will who he's not Mr. I win and he's still making like 8 a year

and you're like come on man that's fucking incredible yeah yeah yeah come on man if you can walk with 8 eight a year and you're like come on man that's fucking incredible yeah come on man if you can walk with eight million a year and you barely did anything what you did was golf and at worst you have some like shoulder pain at worst at worst the guys i feel the most bad for are and just i i'm curious to see what the next 20 years is going to be is the mma community oh man dude i couldn't agree with you more. Because it's... Have you ever been to a live event?

Yes. I've sat behind Rogan on the floor. It's wild, man. It sounds sad. I get sad how hard it is. So I got into this early. So when Dana White first bought it, I was kind of getting into it.

I liked the old stuff that you used to get VHSs of. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where you were like, oh, it was really fun. And then when it started getting mainstream, I felt like, oh, this was really early on And then when it started getting mainstream, I felt like, oh, this was really like early on. And I was really into it. We went to an event.

Fox did some event back in the day. I think it was Junior Dos Santos or something. And I got, Fox got me and a bunch of buddies to go. So we like rented a limo. Oh, that's cool.

And we were like, what a blast. Smoked way too much weed. We were like, what a blast. And we get there and I'm like, the vibe in here

was different than I expected. 60% of the people in this room trained. Yeah. So I'm like, this is 20,000 people in one room. So many sweat outfits. Right? And I thought of it like we were going to a concert or a sporting event. Yeah.

Where it's not, you don't go to a baseball game and you go, these are 80% scouts and minor league players. Right. That's not what happens. They're event. Yeah. Where it's not, you don't go to a baseball game and you go, these are 80% scouts and minor league players. Right. That's not what happens. They're fans. Yeah. I was looking around, I would say at that time,

realistically, 20% of the people had cauliflower ears. Oh, yeah. You go to the bathroom and I'd be like, everybody in here could murder every,

everybody in here is the lead of the action film. The thing starts, I sit down, I'm like, different vibe. Instantly being like,

let's not as a group of stone sissies get in any sort of altercation. Don't look at anybody, guys. Just watch the fight, have a little fun. We get in there, we're starting to get jacked up. The walkouts, you're like, what a fucking blast. I was like, oh, this is the best. The first hit, where it sounds like

somebody open-hand slapped cold meat where but it was a closed kick to the face that like if you ever like just like slap something in in a bathroom where you think like oh something is hurt every human instinct then you goes like this no stop this stop this yeah and then they keep going and you watch the faces turn into mashed potatoes. And you're like, you watch the legs swell. And then you're going into the strategy where you go like,

he's got to block the leg kicks. Put your arm up. At a certain point, you're like, throw in the towel. For who? Both. All of us. For who? Both. All of us. Throw in the towel. For America. Please.

Everybody. For the global, throw in the towel. It's so brutal. Give me jiu-jitsu where you're like, they're going. They're rolling. No breaking bones. Right, right. They're rolling a lot.

The ref calls stoppage. Right. He's like, enough. That's enough. It's not up to a fighter who's doing this to support his village or his family to say, like, you have gotten my arm in a compromised position. I tap. The decision's not yours.

There should be a guy who sits, like, in a tennis judge's seat who just goes, like, that's enough. Enough. Your arm is in the... You'll see no more. And the guy goes, I would have got out. Don't care. Doesn't matter. Because if you

didn't, we have now been conditioned watching that to watch a man kick another man, have the man's leg snap, and I go like this now when it happens

like, yeah, it was a great block. It's not a great block. This is a devastating leg injury. Watching it, hearing

it, feeling it, I got to tell you, I've been to a few with him, and I just, every time, I do this a lot. When you feel someone, the hardest ones to watch for sure, the easiest ones to watch are anything lightweight. Anything lightweight because they're both kind of hucking and throwing. But when you watch heavyweights. Yeah, it's different.

Oh, my God. It's crazy. It's absurd. I've never seen a heavyweight boxing match. I can imagine that it's the same. I don't know why that feels different to me, and I know it's not. But the amount of padding, and I'll tell you the other world we're getting into that's crazy, is the bare-knuckle boxing.

Yeah, I've seen this a few times online, yeah. It's not only back. It's popular. I argue it'll probably be as popular at some point as UFC. Me too. Yeah, I think it'll be the takeover. Every fight somebody dies.

The faces post fight are horrific. Yeah. They quite literally look like, if you ever did a movie with special effects and you go to the weird room where the people are and they quite literally look like if you ever did like a movie with like special effects and you go to like the weird room where like the people are and they have to be like we have to do like a cast of your lips and you're like thanks and you're like whoa what are all these faces and it'll be like a nose over here you'll do interviews and i'm like these straight up missing teeth yeah and they go like yeah they got punched out

these people have the brain power in that moment to go like yeah he caught me with the right hand what in God's name

is happening man I'm scared for I'm scared for what that and by the way we're worried about football helmets not being protective enough

but now they wear those like goofy cones yeah but but the people beating each other with raw fists that's what I mean. I was like, whoever's... Oh, it's fake. Because I'm like, we're pretending to care

about this safety. Soon it'll be on the same network. Yeah, 100%. You know ESPN eventually is going to be like, let's do this full time. Well, they did a thing for a while which was, they tried to do the reality show. They might still have it, but I was working out in my garage and I turned it on because I wanted to

have something to push. It was men standing across from each other, holding onto a bar and slapping each other in the face with a bunch of like hand powder. I've seen this. It was slap boxing, slap boxing, slap boxing.

I've seen this. It was, it was like their story. Yeah. They're not athletes. These are just guys that are good at slapping. But also some are. Yeah. Others that I saw. Uh-uh. These are just guys that are good at slapping. But also some are. Yeah.

Others that I saw were guys who were like, they didn't mention this in the interview, but got out of jail, have a math problem, have two kids. You slap me, I get five grand. I fall, I only get four. Yeah. You fall, I get 12. I'm standing up. You're not an athlete.

Uh-uh. You're just willing to get slapped in the face because you need money in a very significant way. And you go like, I can get behind an athlete who trains and go like, I know it is brutal, but it's an art form and they're really working at it. And they're mixing jiu-jitsu with wrestling. If we're in the world where pretty soon it's breaking bottles over fool's heads. form and they're really working at it. They're mixing jiu-jitsu with wrestling. If we're in the world where pretty soon it's breaking bottles over fools' heads. It's two guys and they go like,

which bottle are you going to take? I'm going to break that over your head. If you don't die, you break that over my head. The pregame interview is like, his right hand's weak, man. When he breaks it, it's not going to hurt my head. It's not going to hurt. He's taken bottles like this this to the face before this is not the first time we've seen him take a triple pain green glass bottle to the face it's like what you would expect they go

that was as gross everything he had just said and hyped me up for i saw what i expected to see a 300 pound fat guy hit him in the face. His legs wobbled. He fell down. He's concussed. Yeah, it's bad. His brain is broken. The future of it,

the future of it is scary, and I got to tell you, I'm blessed that we do sissy work with cameras. We're sissy kids with cameras. For sure. I want to tell you, I thank you so much for coming. It's been an absolute pleasure

I imagine after this we'll have to have some of these in real life off the show because you're a good egg do me a big favor look into that camera right there we end the show the same way with one word or one phrase

so whenever you're ready one word or one phrase it used to be a word, people didn't like it some people did a phrase but this will be embedded in the history of the show forever so one word or one phrase. It used to be a word. People didn't like it. Some people did a phrase. But this will be embedded in the history of the show forever. So one word or one phrase into that camera to end the episode whenever you're ready. Go Bears. Go Bears.

In here, we pour whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse gingers are pugilistic you owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse gingers are hell no

this whiskey is excellent ginger I like gingers