Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jason Collings

Episode Date: August 14, 2020

Santino sits down with the kempo karate king, Jason Collings to talk about starting comedy late in life, growing up in Long Beach with Snoop Dogg and taking flights in ultralight airplanes. ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com GO TO www.andrewsantino.com FOR ALL THINGS CHEETO Check out the Lions Den podcast https://www.youtube.com/channel/UChSteuj1GLLwjIqHeRc3P2Q/videos SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! MANSCAPED - Clean up your face as well as beans and sausage https://www.manscaped.com Use promo code WHISKEY20 for 20% OFF HAWTHORNE - Customize your man sent and feel good https://hawthorne.co Use promo code WHISKEY for 10% off SQUARESPACE - Help design your website today with amazing templates and the help of professionals https://squarespace.com/whiskey Use promo code WHISKEY for 10% off Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY THE AMAZING WHISKEY GINGER TEAM JENNA SUNDE https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday/ JOE FARIA https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria Y&S https://www.instagram.com/youngandsick/ Intro Music by Rocom: https://www.youtube.com/user/RocomTelevision Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Put your hands together for Lady Raven. Dad, thank you. This is literally the best day of my life. On August 2nd. What's with all the police trucks outside? You know, the butcher goes around just chopping people up. Comes a new M. Night Shyamalan experience. The feds heard he's gonna be here today.

Josh Hartnett. I'm in control. And Salika as Lady Raven. This whole concert? It's a trap. Trap. Directed by M. Night Shyamalan. Only in theaters August 2nd.

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If this is your first time joining us, like I say, please let somebody know about the show. Spread that word on the internet. Keep us rolling around, my friend. If you want to know more information about yours, truly go to andrewsantino.com. Got a whole bunch of new merch. We restocked stuff like our shirts and also our rocks glasses that have been selling like hot cakes.

That's at andrewsantinostore.com. andrewsantinostore.com is where you get all the merch. andrewsantino.com, the website is where you get stuff like the Patreon, which I'm doing more and more one-on-one Cheeto chats now. We're going to try to do that as a weekly thang as we start to shift over deeper into DaPandy. But go to andrewsantino.com for that kind of information and go to andrewsantinostore.com if you're looking for DaMerch. Whiskey Ginger is supported by Squarespace.

Squarespace is an incredible way to turn your wonderful idea into a website, showcase your work, publish content, sell stuff, promote your physical online business, get it out there to the world. It's extremely simple and easy to use. I've used it myself, and you know how not smart I am. So if I can do it, you can do it. It's incredible. It's simple.

It's got beautiful templates that are easy to use by world-class designers that have set it up for you to tinker with on your own. They give you the framework and you finish the house, my friend. They optimize everything for you. So it's simple and easy to use and analytics that help you grow in real times. You could see who's using your website, who's looking at your stuff, what they're purchasing, what they're clicking on, and 24-7 customer support. So when you're building your website for whatever you need it for, they're there to help you out. Squarespace

is great. I highly, highly recommend it. Head over to squarespace.com slash whiskey for a free trial. It's easy peasy when you're ready to launch it. Use that promo code whiskey. You get 10% off your first purchase for the website or the domain. Again, that's squarespace.com slash whiskey. Use the promo code whiskey when you're ready to build your site. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beer.

Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey seventy-five dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers ladies and gentlemen welcome back to whiskey ginger my guest today is one of my favorite people on earth i say that for all my guests but i mean him once again today it's mr jason coll Collings. Jason Collings, not Jason Collings. I said Collings. It is Collings.

That's what I said. But you were about to say it is not. It is not the pro athlete who came out as gay in the NBA. Who also has a twin brother. That's right. But his brother is fraternal, not identical. You're an identical twin. Yes, I am.

His is fraternal twins, right? I have no idea. Don't you guys know? Don't you guys all know each other? No. You don't all know each other? No. No?

I met him once on the set of a TV show. What was the TV show? Undateable, a very little known show. A little known show that our friend Brad Morick was on. What's his name? Brent? Brent? Brent. Brent Morick?

Brick Morgan. Briss Morgan was on a show. And he does a show. He does a show right now with Jason called The Lion's Den. It's a podcast. You guys should check it out if you have absolutely nothing else going on. Just make your way over to that because it's not funny and not good. But Jay, I'm glad you're my guest today.

Thank you. Air cheers because I can't cheers COVID style and don't want to spread anything around that I don't do or don't have. How would I know? Did you get tested? Yes. And? Positive.

Okay, that's the show, guys. Thanks. Yeah, I got tested. Did you go to Dodger Stadium? No. Where'd you go? You went to like a Dodger? You had someone come to the house?

They were doing it at a CVS. Oh, yeah. Okay. Everyone's doing it here at Dodger Stadium here in Los Angeles. Really? Yeah's doing it here at Dodger Stadium here in Los Angeles. Really? Yeah. I don't pay attention

to anything. No. KTLA was talking about it. They were promoting it on local news. And you look at the overhead view and I was like,

this is a breeding ground if people are sick. There are thousands of cars. No, you stay in your car, but it's just people coming and going and coming and going. I don't know.

I just pictured everybody on the field. Yeah. Oh, they're in the stadium. Yeah in the city. They wait in the dugout Singing we shall overcome We shall yeah, they do. They're all on they all line up on first base I speaking of which I watched the Dodger game last night. I don't you don't like baseball. It's not that I don't like baseball I just don't care either way. What does that mean? It means that I can't tell you I hate baseball cuz I don't like baseball? It's not that I don't like baseball. I just don't care either way. What does that mean? It means that I can't tell you I hate baseball because I don't. But I also can't tell you I love baseball because I don't. What do you like? I like true crime.

I like documentaries. And I love football. Are you my wife? Mm-hmm. You're my wife. I am your wife. She likes football? I think all women like football.

I think a lot of women pretend that they like football. Sorry. Wow. Sorry. This is our sexist portion of the show. No. I think women like football. If women don't like sports, women who don't like sports, I think they like football because at least it's high intensity.

It's pretty easy to follow. Well, yeah. Basics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The basics of it is pretty easy to follow all those guys have the ball they got to get on that side of the yeah like my my uh my my old bag my uh my anchor uh she um that's a positive actually she holds me down she keeps me stable she's also dragging me backwards but no the the uh she loves certain sports but i understand why she doesn't love others like she just can't get behind certain sport she'll go to, but I understand why she doesn't love others.

Like, she just can't get behind certain sports. She'll go to any live sporting event, but she can't watch television, televised sports, to some degree, she hates, except for football. Yeah, same with my wife, likes it. She loves the Rams because I'm a Rams fan. Right. Which is cool. And she actually really gets into it, and she enjoys it. I mean, she's watched games when I'm not around to watch them with her, when I'm on the road. That's cool. And she actually really gets into it and she enjoys it. I mean, she's watched games

when I'm not around to watch them with her when I'm on the road back in the day. Well, then she's a real fan. But you're a California kid. Yep. Grew up going to the games when they were in Anaheim. So you know the original Rams, I mean, the older Rams before they left and came back because you're born

in 1919. 1971. 1971. You're right around because you're born in 1919. 1971. 1971. Are you right around World War I? So right as the war kicked off. 1971. 1971, you were fresh out of med school. Nope, I was born 1971, Santa Monica, California,

St. John's Hospital. Makes me 49 years old. I don't know because you look much much much older no i look good jay and i met a long time ago check out the lack of a jawline i have such a jawline no where is it here you ever seen those guys that are really heavy and they invent a jawline they give themselves a job with their goatee or whatever if you you do a goatee, you're able to shape your own mouth. And it's just this round potato head and then just symmetrical as shit. Fat guys always have a perfect

jawline beard. As if someone's going to go, look at that in-shape guy with that beautiful... Look at that, huh? Worst thing you could do as a fat guy, I'm going to give you this advice. No goatee. Get the full beard when you're around and you just have... Especially if you have dark hair, it looks like you've been eating chocolate with no hands. So get the full beard when you're around and you just have, especially if you have dark hair, it looks like you've been eating chocolate

with no hands. So get the chin strap. I think you either beard or no beard. I disagree with almost all facial hair. It's beard or nothing. I don't like just the stache unless that's exactly the kind

of guy you are. You've got to be a certain kind of guy to pull off a stache because otherwise it looks unfortunate and weird. Right? Yep. Just the muff down here, whatever that's called. Like, what's a chin tuft? This is a soul patch.

No, but I'm talking about I see guys that have one just a chin tuft, a tuft of chin beard. What would they call that? That's not a goatee, right? It's a bad idea. Maybe it's called no. It's called a no-no. It's a no-tee.

It's a no-tee. Got a no-tee going. And then Fu Manchu doesn't exist anymore but I would support that because that's fun you're lucky because all of your beard hair is the same color

mine it gets patchy white and gray and there's some sometimes the light hits me a certain way where it looks like I'm only rocking like

you know what are these called like a suspenders beard like you have sideburns sideburn beard like burn mutton chops

yeah mutton chops. And somebody, actually a couple weeks ago, I did a picture, and somebody complimented my sideburns. And I was like, they're not. No, they're one in a set. It's universal. I just have very white gray hair. Yeah, but at least you have all your hair.

A lot of people are losing their hair. You're 50 years old almost, and you have all your hair. You're 50 years old. I have all of it, and I've never dyed it. Yeah, but I like that. You look good. Thank you. Most of us are losing all of our hair, and we're begging to old all of it i've never dyed it yeah but i like that you look good thank you most of us are losing most of us are losing all of our hair and we're losing we're begging to hold on to it yeah we're wearing the dad hat i'm wearing the dad hat because i didn't shower this morning

oh yeah but i'm all we're all thinning and losing our fucking hair it i think it's not all of us well you're the only one you're neo but where you got what where what you do have in hair you lack in talent and ability not well the talent yeah yeah no you do have in hair, you lack in talent and ability. That's not, well, the talent. Yeah. No, you do have the ability, oddly enough. I have the ability. Everybody has the ability. I mean, we have a lot of friends.

It's obvious that they have the ability. But they just don't have the- Painfully untalented. I think I'm one of those. I'm a bullshit artist. No, you're a great comedian. People that don't know Jay is a great comedian. We met, I want to say 12 years ago, 13 years ago.

Right around when I first started. Yeah, in Long Beach. There was a show off of, God, I wish I could name the street, but there was a show in a bar that used to. Was it Springbok? There was a Springbok because there was a Springbok out here in the valley. They had one that I would do in Long Beach once in a while.

It was right off the freeway. Right by where the... It doesn't matter. Nobody cares. So anyway, we met down there doing a show. Actually, one of my favorite places down there, Schooner or Later,

which was a great breakfast spot to go get blacked out and drink. Schooner or Later would give you goblets of alcohol in the morning, and it was great to go there hungover. Featured on Dexter, by the way. What? It is?

Yeah. Oh, man. All of Dexter was shot in Long Beach. Well, now it sucks. Now I don't like it anymore. Because when I first moved to LA, I moved to Long Beach. I lived down there. Fahim Anwar was down there.

Brooks Whelan was down there. A lot of good comics that ended up moving up to LA. And we used to party down there in Second Street or whatever. Bel or whatever belmont shore area b s i'm on shore baby i used to go to the belmont shore athletic club they have a bar upstairs that they own murphy's pub above their it was so cool to go work out and then go black out work out black out they're doing comedy shows up there right before the uh quarantine they were some guy was a show. I was down there having a drink and I walked by and they had a poster.

Yeah. Comedy upstairs. Comedy upstairs. Tuesday nights. Yeah, I think it was Tuesday nights. Now it's comedy out back. Well, you remember I ran a show in Long Beach for a long time.

You did. At the Gaslamp. Yeah. The Gaslamp. That was a great show. It was my shit. That was a great show because people actually showed up.

People showed up and great comics would come down. I mean, Craig Robinson did it. You did it. Joe Coy did it. Adam Robinson did it. You did it. Joe Coy did it. Adam Ray did it. Brent Morin.

I don't know if you've heard of him. Not great comic. You should have stopped earlier with great comics. Yeah. Ran it. That's fine. He ran the room. He was fine.

It's good stuff. But look, you've made your way into the podcasting landscape now after being just a comedian for a long time and you got you were you wanted to get in earlier now you're doing with brick brick merits and uh you're it's i'm glad you got into it because you started comedy late and podcast late you we talked about this you started comedy when you were 35 it's wild i didn't start yeah oh six but because for that you lived such a different life. Yeah, I was a martial arts instructor. I owned a martial arts school for almost 30 years.

What's the specialty? I know nothing about martial arts, I'm serious. I taught Kenpo Karate and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Kenpo Karate. What's the difference between regular karate? Kenpo, it's like a hybrid style. Karate is Japanese, and then the style that I taught was a mix of the Chinese Kung Fu. And you have no idea what I'm talking about. Wait, karate is Japanese?

Yes. I'm dead serious. I thought it was Chinese. Okinawan. I thought karate was Chinese. Kung Fu is Chinese. And Kung Fu, a lot of people don't realize, it's not even a name of a martial art style. You have Kung Fu and stand-up.

Kung Fu translates to energy over time. Like you've done this thing over a long period of time and now you've mastered it. So kung fu isn't a type of... That's why every martial arts style that's a kung fu style starts with the word kung fu and then another word. Kung fu sansu. Kung fu shaolin. Wow. Yeah, you have the energy.

You are mastered at this fighting style. Dude, that's crazy. Well, I know such little about martial arts. Honestly, same. Now, once I got out of it and I kind of retired from that and went into stand-up full-time, I stopped everything. You don't follow MMA at all? No.

I started to a little bit because I liked, what's that Irish guy's name? Conor McGregor. I liked him a lot. He was fun to watch. He was entertaining. McGregor's great. He was great to watch as a fighter, but also his press conferences were hilarious. He's number one, man. He's finally I liked him a lot. He was fun to watch. He was entertaining. McGregor's great. He was great to watch as a fighter, but also his press conferences were hilarious.

He's number one, man. He's finally, it's a personality. I talked about this the other night with a good friend of ours. I think sports need more people to have their own personality, and when you restrict them from being that way, the sport is less fun inherently.

It's why I'm a massive golf fan. I love golf. I'm a golfer, but golf sucks. Yeah, golf sucks. golf sucks because they suck they don't let these guys be who they are and then Tiger Woods goes out and he sleeps with a million women because it's who he really is and then they shame him for his infidelity uh and make him feel terrible when it's like these all these other guys are hiding their personalities whether it's that or whatever. Let them be who they are so at least they don't feel guilt. And they're all very uniform.

Oh, yeah. You have to be a certain way. They dress the same. They look the same. Well, because it's traditional. But now you're getting all these hot golfer girls, I've noticed, on Golf for Girls. Instagram?

Instagram. Golf for Girls? Is this your second sexist comment? On the gram. Guys, we'll keep a sexist meter right here. And that's Bing Bing. That's two. No, there's a lot of good-looking here. And that's bing bing. That's two. No, there's a lot of good-looking women that play golf now.

There it is. No, seriously. I am going to have one on the show who I spoke to who's... She's so famous on Instagram because of golf. I'm not going to say her name because I'm going to have her on the show. Oh, it's a surprise? Well, I'm going to have her on the show. I wouldn't know who it is anyways.

Yeah, the fans probably won't know who it is either. But I'm fascinated at the fact that she's a phenomenal golfer, but she's built a career, not to be a jerk, but on the idea that she's very good looking because there's a lot of great golfers. She's not a pro golfer. She's good looking. She's talented.

In like hot shorts? Yeah, she is. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe I'll watch golf. Yeah, you'll start watching golf. If that was golf, you'd start watching golf if that was golf you'd start watching right it's like it's like the xfl and bikinis but i think that if they could be if

people could be more if we let athletes be more of who they are uh they'd be all sports would be more fun to watch i stopped caring about all of that stuff when i started doing santa but it was weird like everything i've done in my life i life, I've laser focused on that one thing. When I was doing martial arts, I still loved watching football, but if it was the Rams, I would watch. Sure. But if you ask me what anybody else's stats, I don't fucking know. I don't even know who plays on that team. Wow. Do you know now? No, because when I started doing stand-up, literally that's all I did. Every night I was doing stand-up, thinking stand-up, studying stand-up, and martial arts even went away. Because when I was doing martial arts, especially when I started doing jiu-jitsu,

I was doing Brazilian jiu-jitsu every day, four to five hours a day. Every day. And that was what I lived and breathed. Is jiu-jitsu a lot of wrestling, right? Yeah, a lot of injuries. And that's why I got out. I sustained a really bad knee injury. And I had to have major surgery.

The recovery was a year. Told that I couldn't be, I wasn't going to be able to do it anymore. So I was like, I got to find something else to do. And how weird that I said, what else can, stand-up comedy. So that was how you really got in? You just were like, I think I want to do that? And I didn't know how to do anything else. Right.

Before I was 21, I studied martial arts, and I taught it at my instructor's studio and had day jobs to make money. Yeah. But life was martial arts. Wow. And then at 21 years old, I opened my own school. How did you get the money to open your own school?

An investor. And the guy believed years old, I opened my own school. How did you get the money to open your own school? An investor. And the guy believed it was because it was me, my brother, and my father. My dad was also a black belt. Huh? We want to do. Just black? My dad, when he passed away, he was a fifth degree black belt. Fifth degree.

That's what I stopped at. How black can you get? Man. On a scale of. How many blacks can you. On a scale of Michael Jackson. How many black belts can you have? How many? How deep does the scale go? It all depends on whatever you're studying. I'm so... What are you at? When I stopped studying and Kenpo Karate, I was a fifth degree black belt. Wow. And then I had gotten a blue belt in Brazilian Jiu-jitsu two different times.

Blue is above black? No, no, no. It's below black. But it's a pretty good level. My brother got up the purple belt in Brazilian jiu-jitsu. The belts are all different. It doesn't even matter. So many styles, it's so different. One style that I did was white, yellow, orange, purple, blue, green, brown, black.

Jiu-jitsu is white, blue, green, brown, black. At least there's... Jiu-Jitsu is white, blue, purple, brown, black. At least there's some sort... At least martial arts were woke before they knew it. White is the bottom and black is the top. They were so woke. They're woke. That black is the highest degree of belt and white is the one they give you for free.

Yep. That's like, oh, you showed up, here's a white belt, right? They don't even... Don't you just get one right away? Yeah. And when you walk in, they go, here's a white belt. you showed up. Here's a white belt. Don't you just get one right away? And when you walk in, they go, here's a white belt. You're a white belt. That's a little rude and racist.

I'm an orange belt. Is orange on the belts? White, yellow, orange. It's still beginner level. When I was a kid, I just knew some guys that did karate, or kids that did karate, and they were always weirdos. Every kid in my neighborhood that played karate was or that what is it called not play karate what would you say practice train yeah most people in

see that's why they're weirdos my brother and i call them ma geeks because you know when people get so into something they they fucking geek out on it like star wars guys my brother's a huge my brother is such a star wars geek he sent me a picture this morning of him laying in bed wearing a stormtrooper helmet why because he's he's making his own stormtrooper outfit no yes just for fun for fun i don't i don't i don't well dude i'm not i'm not gonna get deep into it because i've talked about it a million times but i you know i've never i don't uh you know what i don't do any of that stuff do any what do you mean? You don't watch Star Wars? No. You've never watched Star Wars? I've seen one. Which one?

The original. I tried to watch the Phantom Menace or whatever. Is that what it was called? Episode 4, A New Hope. Yeah. This is swinging and it's bothering me. It's fine. Don't touch it.

It'll figure itself out. It's swinging and it's bothering me. I have OCD. I've tried. I don't. People got mad. I tweeted about it one time. See, that's the difference with me. I have OCD. I've tried. I don't. People got mad. I tweeted about it one time. See, that's the difference with me.

I don't watch any of that stuff. I love it. Yeah. However, I don't get mad if you don't. Yeah, I just don't like it. I've never... Or those guys who get really pissed if you compare it to Star Trek. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the difference, though? None. No, it's space stuff. They're both not real. Someone at home is losing their mind. They're both made up. Someone's the difference, though? None. No, it's space stuff. They're both not real. Someone at home is losing their mind. They're both made up. Someone's like, oh, my God! Yes, yes.

What is the difference? There is such a difference! Live long and prosper. Yeah, it's, no, it's just, you made up, okay, you made up languages. By the way, my brother. You made up the rules. By the way, they made up the rules. They just made up rules.

So it's all, it's fantasy. My brother could tell you planets, galaxies, systems. Not real. The, what the, the race, like the, the.

There's races? Not race, but like, what is it? Species. Whatever they are. Like the people with the long cone heads. He knows,

we were talking the other day. He goes, I wonder why they made the blah, blah, blah sluts in the Star Wars universe. And I went, what? He goes, you know what the ones that...

Remember the girl that was stripping in the... Bib Fortuna. Bib Fortuna is one of these. Bib Fortuna? Thank you. And my exact react... I don't know. I don't know.

But the cool thing is that he's not a jerk if you don't know about it. Okay, so that's what annoys me. But holy shit is he a nerd about knowing it himself. But it's funny because he'll talk to me sometimes. And he'll say things like, Bib Fortuna. Thinking gonna go oh yeah of course right yeah when i'm in my head going um how are you really saying it i'm sorry i hear yeah bib like a baby's bib four and then a can of tuna bib for tuna yeah but what's the real name remember this oh you didn't see all of them because it was... I didn't.

I've seen almost none of it. I've never watched Harry Potter. This character, Bib Fortuna, was like Jabba the Hutt's sidekick, I think. Oh, I've seen that. Look, I know enough social from the social zeitgeist to understand. I know all the characters. I've seen 90% of what... I love watching it.

But I love watching it to just kind of be like taken away into this story, but I'm not like infested. I can't. People, there are clubs, and for example, there's this group of people that have made their own Stormtrooper costumes. Oh, I've seen that online. And these guys are so popular that, see, I'm terrible with names. The guy that was... Bib Fortuna. No, no, no, the guy that directed Iron Man, the fucking guy. Bib Fortuna. No, no, no. The guy that directed Iron Man.

The fucking guy. Bib Fortuna. Not Bib Fortuna. The director. What's his name that did The Mandalorian? Oh, oh, dude. Bib Fortuna. Yes.

He casted this club because they were like, we need more stormtroopers. But it's going to be expensive to make. But then someone said, hey, have you heard of this? And I can't remember the name of the club. My brother, if he watches this, will flip out that I don't remember the name of the club my brother if he watches this will flip out that i don't remember yeah club dorcas malorcus that's them yeah the dorcas malorcus 500 or whatever they found this club and cast them all in the in the show they probably just told him to show up and they'll didn't have to make them costumes or anything they had they had them already and they probably are more accurate

than the costumes that the costume department would have made, right? Oh, boy. People are obsessed. My dad, at the end of his working career, worked for a company who made manuals for hand-building cars, kit cars and stuff, right? And there was such a demand for people that wanted to know how to hand-build the Millennium Falcon that they actually made this thing, and they sold hundreds of thousands of copies because people wanted to know how

they could hand build the Millennium Falcon. Did I say that right? Yeah. Han Solo's shit. Right. Yeah. They want to know how to build it and people built this thing. Like life size in their backyard? Yes. Life size in their backyard. Yeah. Life size. It's like 90,000 football fields. I don't know how big it is. I love life size and it's not in life. Of course not.

It's life size? So it's life size and it's not in life of course not fit in life size so it's nothing yeah it's absolutely nothing but there was a guy that built a millennium falcon in his backyard the real like the real to scale or whatever terrible how big is this thing supposed to be that's impossible right no see you don't even know what you're talking about you've seen the movie i know what the i know what the things are i just never really paid attention to any of the details. I'm not a guy... I've said it a million times. I just... Fantasy movies don't do it for me.

I live here. Same. That's why I love true crime. I live here. Yeah, true crime is great because people do actually kill people all the time. Love it. There was a woman's body that was just found. This is gross.

But they just found her body and now the investigation begins. And it's sad but like as a society you're like yep let's see what happened yeah how did we get to this are there pictures of the body that's how we are what is that what you want to know i want to see i want to see freak because i know that i could probably help solve the crime oh you think you're that guy yeah you really do i am that guy you think you can solve the crime once i thought shut up when i was uh 21 a good friend of mine uh was a long beach police officer and she goes you want to go on a ride along like yeah i'll go isn't that funny only white people allowed on ride alongs yeah right and i went that's such a white privilege thing to do it is

you want to get in the car and watch me harass people yeah but it was in a rough part of long beach long beach is tough long beach has some tough ass areas early 90s. But it was in a rough part of Long Beach. Long Beach is tough. Long Beach has some tough ass areas. Early 90s when shit was so crazy. It's still kind of tough, right? In one night, we had a rape, a shooting, and a murder. Jesus. All in one drive-by night.

Right along the night. Drive-by. 40-inch slip. Yeah. But I solved the rape. You did? Yeah. You caught the criminals? No, no, I didn't. But I helped them. Yeah. But the, the, I solved the rape. You did? Yeah. Well, you caught the criminals? No, no,

I didn't. But I, I helped them. Yeah. I was a genius on the, on the scene. This is so annoying. And I know you weren't at all.

No, you weren't like, I'm so annoyed because I know you weren't even. Oh, here's what happened. The girl was, was raped and she was, was,

had no idea what happened. And the cops, here's another thing that tripped me out about it. They were so casual. The cops? They were just like. Because they've seen this a thousand times. Right? Yeah, that's what's sad.

We walked in and she was naked. And I'm like, hover her up, you know. But they thought, oh, yeah, the guy broke in and da, da, da, da. And I said, I don't think he broke in. I think she knew him because she was out of it. They let you come into the crime scene? They asked me. Long Beach police are slipping.

Bro, they asked me, what do you think? And I went, yeah, here we go. You guys think they broke in, but actually he went out through the window and came in through the door. Not broken in, he was let in through the door. I guarantee when that girl gets to a point where she can talk to you, she's going to tell you that she knew who did it.

And that's the truth. And that's exactly who it was. She knew who it was. Why did you want to be a stand-up? You should have been an investigator. I am an investigator. I'm investigating the whole Britney Spears thing right now. Oh, are you?

I'm going to save her. I'm going to save Britney from her conservatorship that she's enslaved to. She's leaving clues. She's leaving clues. She lit her own gym on fire. Yep, that was a clue. That was my favorite clip I've ever seen. Hey, guys, I lit my gym on fire.

What about the later ones? Hey, guys, I'm back in the gym that I set on fire. And it's not always shaking, by the way. It's not. It's not. It's fine. And she moves around like a four-year-old that's in trouble and trying to talk their way out of trouble. Because they know they did something wrong. It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. It's okay.

It's okay. It's okay. But yeah, she's leaving clues, man. You know that this is precisely what we get when we ruin someone's childhood. As Americans, we are obsessed with fame and making people famous and then we get upset when they're older

and they act weird and you're like we did this one of my family lawyers was on the original team of lawyers that put the

conservatorship together for her really and he quit because he's like these people are crazy and it's sad what they're doing

at that point so what is she doing on the internet I'm not following as closely she okay first of all I was like calling

bullshit. And I started following her because I just thought it was fun to watch. She is kind of fun. When she does the outfit things, when she walks through the hallways in outfits, it's very funny. She's doing this. I do think that's very funny. Well, then it started, people started going, yo, she's leaving like secret messages. And then people started leaving

in the comments, are you okay? If you need help, in your next post, wear a yellow shirt. Sure enough, next post, she's wearing a yellow shirt. Shut up. But it's gone crazy online right now. People are like... I see it, but so much of it could be conspiracy. Hashtag free Britney is huge right now.

I thought it was hilarious. What do you think? She's trapped? I think that she's... Being controlled? Controlled by this conservatorshiphip and there's a lot of things that she can't do under this like she's apparently she can't drive a car

on her own she can't go shopping on her own she's not really in charge of her social media and here's why I believe that because Howie Mandel perfect example people started doing that on his something's wrong with Howie and like doing the conspiracy theory that Howie was being manipulated.

So he immediately addressed it. He's like, hey guys, I'm fine. I'm just 60 years old. But that's what they would tell him to say. That's what they would tell him to say. But she never addresses it. Huh. She never addresses it. Like her latest post, she goes, hey guys, I want to answer some questions

that you've been asking me. My favorite color is, like no one's asking you what your fucking favorite color is. They want to know like, are you a fucking prisoner by? Do you think she's a prisoner? I don't know about,

I don't know if prisoner is the right word, but I do think that she's. What would it be called? Being emotionally manipulated, held, emotionally. Emotionally hostage.

Hostage, wow. Emotionally held hostage because, and there's a video of her and her boyfriend. She's got this boyfriend that's like, they work out together and shit. He's really young, right? Is he a young guy? He looks like

a Latino soap star. Like me and you. Yeah, like super young. Really good looking soap stars. Young, ripped, buff, jawline, dope hairline. Just like us. That's you. Us. You could get tan. No, I can't. Oh, look at the farmer's tan. And I always have a farmer's tan.

Whoa, that's bad. And I'm really paranoid. That's really bad. I know it is. Like, I'm just orange all the way. Yeah, but you have the same thing. I'm really paranoid about the sun. You're not doing a good job of covering it up.

No, that's why I look so young. That's why I look 13, 14, 15 years younger than you. You look so young because you have no responsibility in your life that's real. You live the life of a child. Also skincare. Life of a child. Skincare. Skincare equals.

Wait, time out. Speaking of which, speaking of soap stars, I'm buddies now with a soap star guy, and I'm pretty into it. Who is it? I'm not going to say his name. I probably wouldn't know. He was on Days of Our Lives for a long time. That one.

Oh, I'm a huge fan. But I play golf with him. He's a nice guy. And honestly. Days of Our Lives. his name he was on days of our lives for a long time that one i'm a huge fan but i but i play golf with him he's a nice guy and honestly days of our lives actors for the most part i'll say this i've met a million actors hot actors fame like the most sexy but most of them aren't good looking i'm being genuine in life yeah you see them on camera and they're good on camera they're great with lighting and makeup and most of these people are she's skin they're good on camera, they're great with lighting and makeup and da-da-da. Most of these people are just normal looking. Lines. They're not as good

as they've been perceived to be. Ugly as shit. Got it. Soap opera actors? Good looking. Honestly, the best looking people I've ever seen.

Is there a lot of money in it? If you're in it long enough. I mean in the production of it. Oh, well, no. That's why they're so good looking. Don't you know that they can shoot like an episode a day. That's why you have to good-looking. They can shoot an episode a day.

That's why you have to actually be good-looking. Right. Because they don't have the money. No tricks. Yes. That's right, no tricks. So you've got to show up hot. Yeah, because you've got to show up.

Maybe I should do soap. No, you'd have to be hot to do soaps. Maybe I should do soap. You couldn't do it. You'd have to be hot. I am hot. You'd have to fix so much stuff. Like what?

Ugh, I've got to send you an email, bud. Honestly, they're the hottest people. They're the hottest people I've ever seen. Like the most naturally good looking people because I think it's, they're more reliant on the idea that like, these are hot people that are in love trysts and that's all the audience cares about.

They don't really care if the acting is, in the narrative or the, or the dialogue is tip top. They just want to see people, sexy people and love Tris. And by the way, so do I. Yep. I've watched a couple episodes. I got to tell you, if I'm at home, once I retire, once my husband is, you know, off on his own, I'm going to have my white wine and I'm going to watch soaps for the rest of my life. My mother, when I was a teenager, got me hooked on All My Children for a little bit. Oh, that's a big, yeah, that's a big, that was a big mom show. I had a huge crush on Susan Lucci.

On the Looch. She's still hot. Oh my God, yeah. She's 107 and she's gorgeous. She's 107? I think so. I think so. I'm not good with numbers, but I'm guessing. Yeah, you're bad at math. I'm not in good shape. I gained the quarantine 15.

No, it's more than that. Quarantine 15 is gained the quarantine 15. No, it's more than that. Quarantine 15 is what I call it. I think it's more than that. It used to be here. I think you gained a lot. What have you been eating? A lot of Trader Joe's yogurts. Yeah, but what's making you gain weight?

Mangoes and cream. What's making me gain weight is I sneak the sweets once in a while. Looks like more than once in a while. I try. Hey, man. I try to not eat after 7. No, you look good still, by the way. Thank you. What's your sneak?

What's your treat sneak? Cookies. Do you have them on hand at all times? Yes. Do you make them at home or do you buy them? My wife buys them. Yeah. And I keep telling her, stop buying all this stuff because if it's here, I'm going to eat it.

She doesn't understand how addiction works. Right. So she goes, no, just have willpower. All you have to do is have willpower. They're there Well, that's the point. I don't have willpower. So keep the cookies out of my get the cookies out of my house And they're still there. Can I give you a fix? They're my favorite peanut butter anything peanut butter. Oh, yeah I love peanut butter peanut butter chocolate peanut butter chocolate chip cookies Reese's Pieces Reese's Cups Peanut butter M&Ms is better than Reese's Pieces. We've talked about this before.

Yeah, but peanut butter cups are better than all those. All of them, yes. Dark chocolate peanut butter cups from TJ's are the best. You're going to make me laugh. Guys, why don't you comment below about your snack meter. What's high on your snack meter? Here's the trick. Can I give you the trick to cookies?

Because I used to be that way. Go to TJ's or whatever and get the cookies that are the dough that you have to physically turn on the oven and put on a pan and then make the cookies. Because they're just, they're pre-made dough balls. Already sounds like too much work. That's why. So I won't eat them. It takes a lot to get it out, to turn on the oven, to preheat it. Then all you have to do is put it on there.

It's that simple. It's very easy. It's just even that step makes you go, I don't want a cookie. That's awesome. So it's there. So if you really want it, you'll cook it. Yeah. You'll preheat the oven at 350. You'll throw it in there so if you really want it you'll cook it yeah you'll

preheat the oven to 350 you'll throw it in there for 12 minutes or whatever it is 10 minutes and all it does you just have pick it out of the thing in the fridge put it on let it sit but that's enough work where i'm just being a glutton and craving that i go nah i'm not gonna do it not gonna do it eat a lot of cheesy shit too like i love pastas yeah i'm saying okie yeah but it's yeah but i'm i'm doing okay no you actually look good i have a bit of a belly that's fine and then i got this thing your chin because i'm usually like this i pose for pictures like you stick your neck out yeah you have to if you look straight at the camera and lean in but you're not a pig guy when you eat food we had dinner we had a boy's dinner at, what steakhouse did we go to?

Boa? I think it was Boa. You ate like a man. Yep. There was a few people, though, that eat like slobs. You're not talking about Mike Linoci. No, I am. Okay.

Yeah, I am. I should have got him a bowl with a rope around it tied around his neck. I've never seen someone spill so much. But Theo showed up and didn't even eat. Theo ordered food and left. Ghosted all of us. I think he said he was going to the restroom. Yeah, and he never came back.

That was, I was like, he's never gonna, he's not coming back. Oh, I think I left something. Hey man, I think my dad needs help. Yeah, man. What's his Theo-isms? Yo, man, I'm gonna walk my little biscuit sticks to the restroom. He always has his own words for yo man i'm gonna walk my little biscuit sticks to the restroom like he always has yeah that's exactly for shit i'm not good at that my salted pretzel legs need to skedaddle out of here yeah yeah yeah he's like a dr seuss book that guy but yeah you

don't you don't have any unusual gross habits like that although it's hard for me to eat with people anymore because a lot of times when people eat and they're gross when they eat it turns me off to them as friends i'm like oh i can't eat with that sloppy eaters talk don't talk to me with food in your mouth oh yeah come on man grow up i'll close your mouth like that if you talk to me with food in your mouth you're gonna go and you're not gonna be able to talk to me oh it's the worst michael and ochi sorry to bring that yeah well that's okay i remember one time years ago him and I were eating together and I was so angry because he's eating and talking to me,

but food is falling out of his mouth. It's gross. It's almost like when Muppets eat because they're not real people, so the food just, like when the Cookie Monster

eats cookies, the cookie never goes down. That's him eating. That is so smart. The most bad. It just chews it up, but it keeps falling out. It's like you didn't

nothing went inside of your stomach I'm gonna kill you yeah I'm the same way so we could eat together because we have that yeah we have it's a tick

that I don't like watching people the noises I got it from my dad yeah if you made any mouth noises at the table he just

he would literally stop and stare at you and then you just. You know that when you try to breathe with your foot in your mouth and you don't want to make a move. Was your dad a military kid? No.

Was his dad? His dad was pretty strict, my grandfather. My dad was in the Air Force Reserves or something and then became a hippie. That's not a real thing, is it? He got a music career. And Air Force Reserves is not a real thing, is it? He got a music career and then, yeah. And the Air Force Reserves is not a real thing, is it? No, he didn't.

He just stopped showing up. But I mean, that's what I mean. They're like, okay, they can't. It's not a real thing. It can't be because he stopped. If you stop showing up to the Army, they'll find you. Oh, they'll find you. The government will get you.

He just stopped showing up. Yeah, at some point. And it was during Vietnam and all that stuff. Oh, in the middle of Vietnam? Yeah, because he joined the Reserves to avoid the draft. To avoid the draft. Smart. I talked to a guy who moved to Canada for a little while to avoid the draft.

Can't say his name. Can't say his name because, you know, he'll get in trouble. But we'll put it right here. I'm going to put it right here. I'll put it right here. You'll see his name. Yeah, but he was telling me, he was like, when he was a kid, he was like, no, I just went up to Canada, snuck up there and did drugs in the woods, which I kind of appreciate

in a weird way. Awesome. Yeah. If you're going to duck a draft, what if we had a draft for World War III that's coming up? We're fine because we're in our 50s. Jay, I'm 36. You're not 36. I'm 36.

Not 36. I'm 36. Where were you born? 1983. Shit. 36. 71. It's been a tough road.

Yeah, I know you are 71. It's been a tough road for me. Really? Has it been? It's been a tough road. I can tell know you are 71. It's been a tough road for me. Really? Has it been? It's been a tough road. I can tell. I'm weathered. Yeah.

I'm weathered. I've weathered the emotional storms of life. I think I've looked 40 my whole life, so when I finally hit 40, it's going to be perfect. You're going to start going backwards. Mm-hmm. I'll Benjamin Button myself right out of here. You look younger now than you did when we first met.

Yeah, that's true. I've probably taken care of myself a lot better now than I did then. We were both pretty much overweight yeah remember we would talk about i was thick i was you beat me though i was losing more weight than you for a minute and then you beat me only because i found out about cocaine cocaine i found out about cocaine and bulimia and i was like i'm gonna lose 50 pounds tonight when when right now and Right now. And I did. And I lost a little bit. No, and then I finally tightened it up. You know what it really was?

I stopped eating. I would, every night on the way home from shows, get fast food. Yeah, that's what I did. I cut fast food. It was just so easy and also so good. It was so nice, dude, after you worked. The best. Ugh.

What was your go-to fast food? Well, at the beginning of when I first moved to LA, it was Wendy's because it was around the corner from my house. So that was just convenience more than anything else. They're the square burgers, right? I don't get their burgers. I would get spicy chicken nuggets or spicy chicken sandwiches, fries. Yeah, their burger patties are square.

Yeah, but the frosty. Yeah, the frosty. Frosty's the best. So I'd get a big-ass frosty, fries. I'd get spicy chicken nugs or chicken sandwich. You even gave them nicknames. Yeah, spicy chick nugs.

A little spice chick nugs. A little spice chick nugs. And then after that it always was, McDonald's was like a go-to because it was easy and simple and they have everything you need. Jack in the Box and Taco Bell.

Jack in the Box was a, so that was a Long Beach thing for me. Can I tell you what the number six is? Number six is a ultimate cheeseburger with curly fries and a Dr. Pepper. I would have Dr. Pepper's huge ones every day. They're so good. Every day.

Deepies are so good. And then Taco Bell was two burrito supremes and two soft taco supremes and a Dr. Pepper. Three cheesy gordita crunches. With that amazing crushed ice. Oh, gordita. Ah, dude. That food is so good.

It's not. It's gross. Why can't we figure out a way for it to not be bad? I know, because it tastes amazing and it's disgusting. I know,

but you know what? Do we care? At some point, can you care? I do kind of now. Because you're getting older? Because I have more, I've got more.

We're all getting older. I've got more runway behind me than I do in front of me these days. Yeah, that's true. And you don't want to die of that. Of. And you don't want to die of that. Of fat. I don't want to die of fat.

You won't. No. You'll die of something very stupid, though. Like, what do you think? I think you're going out from, like, you get into a car accident. I can see it now. You get into a car accident, and you're fine. You're a little bit banged up, but it's fine.

And then you get out to, like, trade information, and then you get hit by another trade information and then you get hit by another car and then you die yeah that's how you go how do i go i how i feel like how would you go um i feel like trying to do something healthy like on a bike ride you're you're mountain biking you're mountain don't do this to me you're scaring me you're mountain biking and you're on a very thin a very narrow trail i think about on the side of a mountain your front tire slips you go to you go to correct it and you're going down the hill bro i i'm not kidding i have fear the whole first half of the rolling is just all pain it's just oh god i feel it the whole way and then then you hit like a boulder that's sticking out oh come on and then the rest is you're free and your body so i'm dead

at that point you're dead halfway through the fall. Jesus Christ. By the time you hit the ground, you're just a Raggedy Ann. Andy, because you're the boy. That's a good shot at me. My mother dressed me up as Raggedy Ann, as Andy from Raggedy Ann and Andy for Halloween. All the time. At one year, she made my costume because we didn't have any money, Jason. Neither did we. And she made my costume and it was a new level of jason neither did we and she made my costume and it was a new level of embarrassing i thought it was going to be cute i was like oh that's fun no it's not did all of the kids make fun of you well that happened anyway yeah but it was just too easy it was almost like oh there's the ginger idiot wearing the ginger idiot costume just all

you needed was the clothing i know it's like if you know, you know, howdy doody. It's like if, if my mom wanted me to be howdy, do you know, you know who that is, right? The redheaded puppet for people that don't know. Howdy doody. Oh my God.

That's like me being a puppet, me being a howdy doody. By the way, this is, I'm watching, I have to tell you this. I'm watching a new show called, um,

love on the spectrum. And it's about people who are autistic, uh, who are trying to go on dates and find love for the first time. And it's about people who are autistic, who are trying to go on dates and find love for the first time. Is it reality? It's a docu-series. Yes. I'm a softie for stuff like this.

Me too. My heart breaks. I start crying. I get emotional because I don't cry when family members die. I'm like, oh, that's terrible. But when I watch this kind of stuff, for some reason,

it hits me a different way. But of course, on the documentary, there's a kid who's pretty autistic and he has red hair and his name is Andrew. And right away, the old bag was just like, uh-oh.

I was like, no! Because then everything he says, automatically, she's like, you do that. So I am Andrew on the show. The show is incredible. If you haven't seen the show, to fans listening, dude, it yeah, yeah. So I am Andrew on the show. The show is incredible.

If you haven't seen the show, to fans listening, dude, it's so wild. It's called Love on the What? Love on the Spectrum. It's on Netflix. It's just about how hard it is.

What actually, honestly, it's an exploration about social cues and dating and how these lines are blurred for even people without autism. Yeah.

So can you fucking imagine how hard it is to date with autism where you don't know how to look someone in the eye right you have a hard time um uh engaging with with questions and responding and and ping-ponging conversation is difficult for some people who are autistic and when you watch it it's heartbreaking because you're like man dating is fucking tough for people that don't have these disabilities this is what rick glassman's going this is what it's like for him he's just a psychopath yeah he's just a pure psychopath but you watch it and your heart really breaks because you're like but it is it is an examination of so of culture that we deal with

today of like even as men and women without autism date there are blurred lines that no one wants to talk about there's no rules but they have to be forward so they have to say like can i hug you yeah and they get uncomfortable but they only know how to be honest where which is when you're on a date beautiful yeah dude very beautiful yeah because when you're on a date when you're young and you're dating you know you you like can only hope that they want you to kiss them or what like that that i don't know who said i think brennan had a joke like that about he goes the first kiss is an inch away from sexual assault oh yeah that's what he's saying it's like the first kiss is such a vague i think this is okay yeah i'm gonna try it because

if you ask it's more uncomfortable can I kiss you and then the girl will always go you don't ask something like that yeah don't ask me to which you go no you fucking do I have to now

I have to so I think that's what this show is coincidentally examining and I don't think it's on purpose but it's showing I think their purpose

was to show what it's like to have a disability and be in this extremely vague tough world. Where could I see this? Netflix.

Netflix. Where isn't everything? Netflix. What else exists besides Netflix now? Oh, well, let me tell you. Yeah? Hold on. I've got to think about it.

Yeah, exactly. There's nothing. By the way, I tweeted yesterday, Netflix. Netflix. Netflix is Twitter. They said, what famous person do you want to see try stand-up comedy? Famous person? That's what it said.

What famous, something along that line. Ask what funny person. I know. Netflix, ask me what funny person. Me! And I'm going to say you. No, but it said, who do you want to see that's famous to try stand-up comedy? And I just retweeted and wrote, it's been a good run, stand-up.

It's like, that's it. If that's where we are now that we're like our job is already tough enough to socially describe to people ruth bader is doing stand-up she's doing a tour in 2022 beautiful it's called on the brink she's dying the entire way how long has that woman been dying i'm serious about 25 years and she's still kicking it's remarkable yeah she's amazing we're gonna find out betty white and her have been dead for a long time but they've been what is it that they uh weekend at burnizing them through life they found the pet cemetery would you when you go when you're out uh-huh you want to be in the ground or do you want to be

cremated you do yep have you put that request into the family? What do they want? Whatever I want. They don't care. They don't care. Because sometimes the significant others of the kids are like, no, we're not. No, we're going to. No, you're getting the casket. Which sucks. We're not going to do what you want. Yeah. Oh, well, because you have no control at that point. None. Yeah, you're done. See, my dad wanted to be in three separate boxes. What? For real? He wanted to be cremated and put equally in three separate boxes. For you? One for me, one for my mom, and one for my brother. That's nice. So now I have him there at the house and I introduce him to people when they come over. It's my dad. He's kind of quiet. Yeah, he doesn't say much. Doesn't say much. How much does he weigh? I don't know. Is it heavy, those things? Yeah. It is. Yeah. Ashes are heavy, huh? And it's really weird to think there's a

bone in there. It's a trip. It's weird. I don't like it. It is weird. I don't mind spreading me over something. Like a jack-in-the-box drive-thru? Yeah, like a jack-in-the-box drive-thru. Bring me back to my happier times. Sprinkle you on the front of a jack-in-the-box. Sir, we've asked you not to do that. It's at the request of my

father! Oh, man. That's such a weird thing. My dad told me a story about when they cremated my grandfather his dad he wanted to be he wanted it when they wanted to spread his ashes over the lake that he would people love over the ocean or the lake he fished at this lake every day and my dad you know him and my my grandfather was always talking to my dad like he was a fucking idiot so they go up into this little cessna plane him and him and my uncle who was a pilot this they they hired a pilot oh okay and they

opened the ashes and as they fly over their plan was you know bank the thing and then we'll just dump them out the door and they dumped the ashes and everything blows back into the house like the big Lebowski and my dad started laughing so hard yeah he's like he would literally be this is so typical of you this is exactly how I thought you would handle it do you so he loved it is this him right now with the helicopter i've never heard it that loud that's got to be a it's a military we record around the corner from here and i feel like we are under the the landing no this that's military chopper for sure oh that's it we're done yeah

no seriously because they've been flying over recently again, which either means two things. One, they're just relocating them down south to the base, or someone very politically powerful is in town. People forget that people just come to town all the time. When Trump was here, they were flying the warbirds, or whatever those things are called, the tomahawks? The big, the massive ones? Yeah, the marine.

And there's three of them. We're really dumb. You and I together are very dumb. Very, the big. The massive ones? Yeah, the marine. And there's three of them. We're really dumb. You and I together are very dumb. Very, very dumb. This is so dumb. Two decoy marine ones, and that's not even the name of the helicopter. No, they're called decoy marine ones. It's a marine one, and there's three of them.

Two decoys, and then the president's in one. And you don't know which one is in what? And they move around. Little do you know, the president is in a Chevy Volt. He's in a car, driving himself. I'll get there when I get there. I'm in a Chevy Volt. Oh, that's a good Trump.

It's not bad. It's too easy to do him now. That's the problem. I can't do it. I can't do it. Yes, you can. You got to make the face. No, it's more.

No, but also these are all hyperbolized versions of who he really is. You see him celebrating his test? I'm really happy for him. He took a cognitive test. I know. I'm glad he knows what a tv is he's celebrating that shit and then admits he only got i only got four four questions wrong yeah this is a test where you have to know the difference between a giraffe and a tree yeah well they'd

say what you have to just name it in pattern right they go chair camera light bottle but it's literally pictures you point you have to go chair camera that's a tree and he's bragging about it as if he's taking a very high intellectual test. Well, that's him taking a shot at Biden. That's what that is. That's just a shot at Biden. You think he's taking a shot? I think he's just dumb shit and bragging.

No, that's him doing that about Biden because he constantly says Biden's losing it. Biden has dementia. Crazy Joe. He keeps doing that rhetoric. So this is a shot at going, see, I'm not losing my mind like old crazy guy over there. Anyway, who cares? The world is on fire and we're all going to burn. In here, we pour whiskey.

A lot of people asking the old red rocket, does the carpet match the drapes? Well, I'm offended that you're asking about my basement, dude. It's hardwood floors, okay? There's no carpet down there, pal. You got to refinish your basement. If you've been going this long in life and you don't clean up downstairs, you got troubles of brewing, my friend. You need help. Go to manscaped.com. Get Manscaped's all-in-one cleaner. The perfect package 3.0 kit comes with a new and improved Lawn Mower 3.0, waterproof cordless body trimmer, dude, anti-chafing boxers, and a travel bag for you to use when we're done with

Depandi. They got the Crop Reserver, the Crop Reviver. They have so many tools for your tool. It's incredible. We've talked about Manscaped before, and I really do love it. And I use it. I have a few of them, all right? I got a few. I got one for my nuts, one for my shaft, one for my face, one for my back. I clean up all over the place, all right? I like Manscaped. I use their products. Genuinely, they're incredible. There's a no-nick guarantee. You're not gonna nick your nuts, dude. I've never nicked my nuts with a Manscaped trimmer, and I'm proud to say that it's very much worth it. If you subscribe, you get a new replacement blade for your lawnmower trimmer delivered to your door every single three months, so it's nice and clean.

There's nothing better than pouring yourself a nice, big, tall glass of whiskey, lighting some soft candles, treating yourself to the perfect package 3.0. Clean yourself up so everyone else can enjoy you as much as you enjoy yourself. Get 20% off and free shipping with the code WHISKEY20 at manscaped.com. Get 20% off and free shipping. Come on, man. With the code WHISKEY20 at manscaped.com, 20% off is a pretty good deal man with the code whiskey 20 at manscape dot com 20% off is a pretty good deal use that promo code whiskey 20 you your partner your body and your balls are gonna say thank you guys are you sick and tired of smelling the same all the time using

the same products that other people use you spray on that spray that guys use that axe or something trying to smell good and different when really you just smell like a 20-year-old college kid. You need to get yourself over to Hawthorne. Hawthorne.com, it's an incredible place that pretty much packages your perfect scents for you, whether it's hand lotion, body cream, shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, cologne. They have everything on the site built for you they package together your perfect smell scent lotion etc and all you need to do is take a two-minute quiz on the

internet it's that simple i did it and they sent me what i thought was going to be impossible to match scents that i like because i'm really particular i don't like overly sweet stuff i don't want to smell like i'm wearing a perfume or a cologne or something. And they did a phenomenal job. They asked what products you've used in the past and they use this algorithm aggregate to let you know the best products that they have available for you that are clean and safe. And it's personalized. It's pretty incredible. It's totally risk-free with free shipping and free return. So if you don't like the way you smell after you use any of this stuff, you throw it right back to them.

And they have everything for you. You don't have to get it all at once, but I would because I did. It was worth it. You know, I got deodorant. I got shampoo, conditioner. I got lotion, hand cream, and I got their cologne, which I was surprised. I've been using the same cologne for five years, and I love it. And I was like, I don't know if this is going to even match it.

And it does. It actually smells incredible. So I'm impressed. I'm very, very genuinely impressed by Hawthorne. Check them out. Go online, take a quiz, smell better instantaneously instead of smelling like every dude that you know that uses the same product that they get from the same store. Check out hawthorne.com. That's Hawthorne with an E. Use the promo code whiskey to get 10% off your first purchase. Like I said, it's totally risk-free. Send it back if you don't like it. That's Hawthorne, H-A-W-T-H-O-R-N-E.com.

Use the promo code WHISKEY to get 10% off your first purchase at Hawthorne.com. Ginger. I like gingers. Honestly, the other day, a guy said to me, a guy was like outside of CVS, and his mask was down, and as we were walking, he goes, oh, shit, sorry, and he And his mask was down. And as we were walking, he goes, oh, shit, sorry. And he put his mask on.

I go, it's all good, dude. I mean, the asteroid's coming soon. He goes, I hope so. Like, so honestly, like, just let's get this over with. This is the new normal, man. We're going to be wearing masks for a long time. I like the meme that you saw where it said a guy's dick was peeking out of the top

of his underwear and next to a guy's nose peeking out and they say it's the same thing. That is. Do you go over the fence or do you go through

the gate or over the fence? When I take a piss? Yeah. I'm over. I go down to the knees. Really? Publicly. Huh.

Knees, shirt up, holding it with my chin. You do. And then I'm putting out the fire. What is that? But what was that you were holding onto?

Just a salami sandwich while you're peeing? So you're holding a Subway sandwich while you're urinating? No, this is my dick. Interesting. It's weird that you would have a Sub sandwich while you're urinating above where you're actually,

your minuscule penis is. When you pee on your balls, does it ricochet up or where does it go? I'm older now, so it just dribbles. Oh, it does? It goes right down? I'm over the fence, but in public, I so it just dribbles. Oh, it does. It goes right down. I'm over the fence, but in public,

I do pull my pants all the way down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal. I want my butt out. You got it. Yeah. Like when kids do that in public, I love it.

And then while you're peeing in public, if everybody starts going, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Ah! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow. Oh!

She was worth it. She was worth it. She was worth it. My dad always did it. His generation of guys always had a urinal joke When you'd go in there With a bunch of like At a bar or something

Is this where all the dicks hang out? Yeah And they would do all that thing Where they would go Oh this water's cold And you're like You know that whole thing Yeah

I did that at a Rams game Once I walked in I go Is this where all the dicks hang out? And everyone turns They're like What's up bro? And you're like

This is the 80s They all laughed Oh they did Not anymore Not anymore Not anymore. Not anymore. Not anymore. Also, it's always weird at sporting events.

Everyone's triggered. Oh, I'm triggered. Yeah, they are. They're mad. It's weird they have to pee in a trough. I started doing that as a kid at Bears games, and I really hate trough peeing. Because it's. I remember.

I don't care about the wieners everywhere. It splashes everywhere. It's splashy. It's so gross. This is even worse. Wieners everywhere? It splashes everywhere. It's so gross. This is even worse.

I remember vividly being at one of those troughs and looking. The guy next to me had his little cardboard box of nachos. Oh, gross, dude. In his hand. Gross! Troughing. Good game, huh, guys? Oh, man. Just right next to everything.

It just smells like piss and beer in there. Always. It's the worst. It's absolutely the worst. I think we should invent... By the way, because seats now in stadiums are so tight, well, when we get to go back to them, and you're in the dead middle, you have to get everyone up. Why can't they have a tube, boom, you can stick on and pee at your seat?

Why wouldn't they have a tube you can pee down and it should drain right below the seats? Pee from your seat. Imagine a busted pipe. Oh, my God. And you're on a lower level. I think we should be able to pee in our seats i've thought about that for years how have they not figured out a way just go just suck something on to you you gotta think it's a public place no you bring your own but you have your own cover oh it comes with your own kind of like how the you know at

the airport the rotating toilet seat cover yes this. This has one of those. And you just suck it on, sucks it right out of you. I close, even at home, I close the lid to flush. Oh, that's smart. I do that too. Yes, correct. Yeah. But I don't flush. We don't flush.

We let everything sit. We flush every other Tuesday. Nice. Yep. It's called Take It Down Tuesday. And we just let it sit there. You guys are living old school. Well, it's actually new school.

We're actually more conscious. We're not wasting water. You just put a hole in the ground. We have one outside. That's our outside bathroom. That's if guests come over. I thought you were going to say that's the wife's bathroom. Oh, no.

She's not allowed to go to the bathroom. Oh. Yeah. Okay. We don't let them go to the bathroom. All right. I don't know what decade you're living in, pal, but you can't pee inside, dude. I can't do that.

You got to hold it. Is that the deal? That was a but you can't pee inside, dude. I can't do that. You got to hold it. Is that the deal? That was a good deal. You have to hold it. You have to hold it. No, I'm very conscious of trying to conserve water, not because of the environment, but because it's costly.

I'm serious. Every time somebody jumps in my pool, I'm like, it's nine bucks. Wow. Put nine bucks on the counter. That's expensive. Yeah, it's amazing. Water came out. I'm counting every, like, we're in a, right now we're talking about getting AC because

I don't have central air in the house. You don't? No. It's an old house. What year is it from? 51. We're from 41. 51.

And did you get it installed? But our HVAC was installed in the 70s. What's an HVAC? An HVAC unit is a heating and cooling unit at the same time. Those big, chunky... I was going to get central air put in, but I'm going to do this other thing where... You know those white? It's like that big unit

that goes up on the wall. They go up on the wall. I've seen that. Europe has a lot of those. Less energy. Yeah, I've seen that. Cheaper. Yeah, it's cheaper. And it fills the room and others. Right. I've seen them. I think Europe is big on that you when you go places in Europe They always have those in the room again. I think I'm gonna get that done this week. You are yeah I think so. It's hottest my house is so hot and so cold wintertime icebox. What do you guys you have a fireplace that works?

Yeah, and what one of those beautiful old Ben Franklin's you do the dad thing where if when the kids were young and they got cold You like just put on more clothes. Yeah. Yeah, You know what, dude? It worked for us for years. But it's also Southern California. It's cold for five minutes. It's not really cold. Cold is relative. It's not real cold. It gets down to maybe 50.

Yeah. What's the lowest it's ever been here? 40 something maybe? 30s. Maybe. Maybe. And that's pretty rare. Yeah.

Of your lifetime as a California guy. The first time I was in Chicago in the wintertime, I could not believe it. It's nice and toasty. Holy shit. Yeah. It's miserable as shit. I used to have to light my car key on fire. So cold it feels like a sunburn, you know. I remember the first time I was in Chicago in the wintertime. I could not believe it. It's nice and toasty. Holy shit. Yeah, it's miserable as shit. I used to have to light my car key on fire. It feels like a sunburn on your face. It does.

It's painful, right? It feels like needles. Yep. You know what hurts the worst? Your boogers. When your nose gets so cold, it hurts because it gets dry and cracky. So if you even move. Oh, I hate it, dude.

It just goes. Blood. Yeah. Dude, my nose bleeds so... Do you get them all the time? Goddamn much. I get really dry skin in there. Yeah.

So it bleeds a lot. And when I tour, when I'm doing the road... Yeah. Why? Because you're on airplanes all the time? Airplanes, a hotel, air conditioning. Oh, yeah. That stuff's gross.

The housekeeping must think that I've murdered somebody in every room. Every time I leave, because I don't let people in the room while I'm there. I don't. Oh, you don't? I always keep the do not disturb on. Why is that? I'm a very neat and tidy person. You don't want the sheets flipped?

I keep it really clean, and I'm just really weird about people coming in. Not like they're going to steal anything or anything like that. You have nothing to steal. It's just weird. You have nothing to steal. You're hurting me. When you're on the road,

what have you brought with you that's expensive other than your iPad? Like a watch. Put it in the weird. You have nothing to steal. You're hurting me. When you're on the road, what have you brought with you that's expensive other than your iPad? Like a watch. Put it in the case. Put it in the safe, in the closet. Even if that,

I don't even worry about that. It's just about another person in my space at that time. But at the end of the weekend, or whatever it is, they come in and it's everything. It looks like no one was even in there.

Yeah. But then you look in the bathroom and the trash can's full of bloody... That's a serial... You're a serial killer. Yeah, they're like, there's a murderer that we let in here. No wonder why he didn't want somebody in his room.

Yeah, yeah. I bled out... I bled through two sheets in a hotel when I did this gash that I have on my leg in Ybor City. Ybor City in Florida. Ybor City is... Whatchamacallit.

It's a cigar town. Yes, it's... Why can't I think of the... Ybor City is Florida. Ybor City is, whatchamacallit. It's a cigar town. Yes. Why can't I think of the Ybor City? It is Tampa Bay. Tampa. Cut my leg open, and they couldn't stitch it because it was on the shin. Went home, kept drinking at the hotel, and bled out into the sheet that night. So bad that the woman was really, really concerned the next morning.

I'm like, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm fine. Passing out. But I had seen how much blood that came out of my leg and I was a little scared for an hour or two the next morning.

You didn't cover it up or anything? Butterfly clamps. I went to a, I had to get a cab out of Ybor to get to a, what do you call those?

24 hour emergency cares or whatever. Not the emergency room but emergency cares. And the woman was like, we can't stitch that dude. It's on the shin. It'll keep ripping open every time you like you know she

goes just butterfly clamp it wrap it it'll clot sooner or later but i've been drinking that night so it did not clot how did you do it in the first how did you hurt it fight broke out after the show i was outside you hurt yourself running i beat i beat up everybody at the show you hit your shin i got this guy in a headlock. While screaming and running away. I got it. A fight broke out. No, no, no, no, no, no. I was saying hello to fans.

Oh, boy. A fight broke out outside on the patio. It was quite dark. Fans, I have a lot of them. Oh, interesting. This was also years ago when I didn't have fans. But the four people that did come to see me, I was saying hi to people.

A fight broke out. A security guard was dragging this guy out. And he's fighting back big time. Like, he's trying to fight the security guard now and i'm kind of scrambling to get out of the way because i'm seeing what's happening late and they're coming down the doorway where we are outside and this woman gets like just smoked and i go to like grab her arm or shirt or whatever so she doesn't just eat shit right and as i do i lose my balance and on the ground i can't see is an umbrella stand an empty umbrella with no umbrella in it those heavy metal patio umbrella stands boom right into my leg did you right up my leg break your fall did you land on

top of her no she didn't she didn't end up falling i ended up stumbling forward and i was like oh my god yeah but i looked down i had jeans on fine Fine. I'm walking. About 20 minutes later, my shoe's wet. My shoe was wet. And I looked down. I was like, oh, my God. I mean, because it hurt, but I just thought it was painful. I was like, oh, it's fine. I didn't cut anything.

But it cut through my leg. Thanks, Ybor City. I've told that story before, but it's true. That's that improv that looks like an old theater. Yeah. And guess where? I'll never go again. There.

Yeah. I'll never do that again. What's bad? It's vertical. I don't like vertical theaters. It's like the Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, and guess where? I'll never go again. There. Yeah, I'll never do that again. That's bad. It's vertical. I don't like vertical theaters. It's like the Abraham Lincoln. Yeah, exactly. It's no wonder why Wilkes Booth broke his leg.

It was so high. If it had any kind of slope degree, it would have been fine. No, yeah, it was straight up. I don't like it when the audience is on top of you. Lovitz used to be like that in Universal Studios. I hated that, too. It rains so hard in Ybor City when it's so hot. Tampa Bay, yeah. 100 degrees and it's pouring torrential rain. You know why that's an old cigar town, right?

That's where, that was like a Cuban, it was like a Cuban safe neighborhood and they developed this community there and it was all Cuban and they started to manufacture cigars out of there because there were these old buildings that were there that were unoccupied, so they took them over. That little town became theirs. It became the most famous cigar-wrapping little avenue or whatever. I love that you could watch them wrap the cigars through the front window. Yeah.

It's awesome. Imagine what that would have been like back. If you could jump back to a time, have you thought about this of what time period you'd want to Westworld back to? You've got a ticket to ride, and you can go to any time period to'd want to west world back to um you got a ticket to ride and you can go to any time period to go party and have some fun i've always been the 20s i've always like loved yeah yeah i'm really into the depression yeah i'm really into the perry mason shit on hbo right oh you are yeah like old i'm listening i listen to like i just listened to this podcast called

a murder in hollywood oh it's about the murder of this famous director back in like 1920 what I just listened to this podcast called A Murder in Hollywood. It's about the murder of this famous director back in like 1922 or something. Oh, that's a good question. Doesn't matter. He's dead. He's dead. He's a dead guy. But apparently, yeah, he was having an affair with a young actress, or she was obsessed with him, and she thought they were having an affair,

and they weren't. And she killed him? Yeah. Wow. Did we just give away the podcast? No, I don't think she killed him. There's more details. Yeah, I listen to so many.

You do? That when I'm done with that one, I'm listening to a new one and I can't remember all the... It's like, it's entertaining at the moment. Like, I don't need to retain that information. It's not for learning? No, it's not for learning. It's just for active listening? Yeah.

Like, you're hearing, but nothing's really sinking in. Every once in a while, a conversation will come up, and I'll go, I don't remember that from the beginning. Were you bad at school? Very bad at school. I can tell. Very bad at school. You didn't retain anything.

Nothing. Did you go to college? Yes. What school? Long Beach City College, Community College of Long Beach. I thought you were going to say Long Beach State, home of the dirtbags. My son went to Long Beach State, but yeah, I went to- Dirtbags and artichokes? Mm-hmm. Something like that. Yeah. say Long Beach State. Home of the Dirtbags. My son went to Long Beach State. But yeah, I went to... Dirtbags and Artichokes?

Mm-hmm. Something like that. Yeah. And Steven Spielberg. And he went there for a second. Did he really? Steven Spielberg went to Long Beach State? Yeah, he's got a degree from Long Beach State.

And then he realized, he's like, I got to get out of here. Well, he went back later. Yeah. Yeah, it was... Shout out to Long Beach State. The Pyramid's a great place to watch basketball. We used to go down there when I was living down there. It's a great school.

It's a beautiful campus. It's a great school. I used to go watch Jose Canse was living down there. It's a great school. It's a beautiful campus. It's a great school. I used to go watch Jose Canseco when he was playing minor league ball. He used to play across the street. Remember Blair Field? Oh, yeah. In Long Beach? Yeah.

That field is awesome. It's such an old school ballpark. I love that. And they tear those things down. It's so hard to find those original, old school, shitty ballparks. They kept that one. That one's there. And now they film a ton of movies there.

Anything that takes- Long Beach has a ton of stuff. A lot of stuff shoots down there because it's still got classic L.A. suburb look to it. It's a very Hollywood-friendly city. Apparently, it's expensive. I guess the permits. Well, I mean, the city has become expensive too, right?

To live down there is not what it used to be. Now it's pretty pricey. And it's all gentrified. Like areas when I was a kid growing up in Long Beach, areas that you just stayed away from because it was just a drive-by every second, just very bad neighborhood, beautiful neighborhoods. Well, downtown Long Beach used to be kind of tough, and now it's really, really expensive, right?

Oh, it's so gentrified. Yeah, multi-million dollar condos and shit like that. That's so funny. Well, they always did look over the water. I always was like, how are these not that expensive when I first lived down there? Oh, they are now. Yeah, there's some old classic buildings down there

that are beautiful by the convention center. Yeah. But, you know. There's that club that, that nightclub called Harvell's. Yeah. It's underground. Mm-hmm. The building that that's underneath, on the very top, there's a gorgeous residence, and

it's the entire top. Who lives there? I have no idea. Let's make it up. It's like, who lives there? Yeah, let's make it up. Who do you think lives there? Oh, the building that Harvell's is on?

Mm-hmm. That's, you know who lives at the top you know that you know the top floor is a um it's like one big residence it's like a penthouse suite yeah who is it yeah it's it's tori spellings uh the dog her dog walker that's right yeah because she pays her very well pays her extremely well i think they're picnics dogs pinkanese picnics dogs which are very temperamental animals unbelievably so you got to have a lot of patience to walk those no i'm kidding i'm kidding I think they're Pekingese dogs. Pekingese. Pekingese dogs, which are very temperamental animals. Unbelievably so. You've got to have a lot of patience to walk those dogs. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. That's not who lives there.

Bobby Flay. Chef Bobby Flay lives up there. Do you know? That's crazy, right? Yeah, that's insane. He lives there. He lives there, but he shares it with some of the other people from the Food Network. Like?

He's on there with Scott Conant. I don't know if you know Scott Conant. I think you made that up. No, that's a real guy. Is it really? I watch the Food Network. Come on. I love it extremely. It's so that up. No, that's a real guy. Is it really? I watch the Food Network. Come on.

I love it extremely. It's so... Beat Bobby Flay is such a good show. Bobby Flay is great. I'll take Chopped, anything. I'll always watch Chopped. See, I love that you could do that. Yeah.

That you are able to just go and... See, I have the hardest time... It's a background show. ... focusing on anything else. It's a background show. Okay. It exists because I'm doing something else. Okay, that's how I am with a lot of... It's how I feel about your standup. It's a background show. Okay. It exists because I'm doing something else. Okay, that's how I am with a lot of people. It's how I feel about your stand-up.

It's a background show. It exists because I'm doing something else. My stand-up, first of all, I understand how it can be distracting. Miserable. Oh, distracting. Distracting, yeah. Because of all the loud cheering and we want more. Get off, get off, get off, get off, get off, get off.

No, Andrew, no, Andrew, no, Andrew. You do have a very particular kind of stand-up that is, you know how they say it's an acquired taste? You know that phrase? You're an acquired taste. And it's for someone who's not a big comedy fan. They just got to be into killing 15 to 20. Killing what?

Killing 15 to 20 minutes. You know, some of the fellas at the club used to call you cigarette break. They go, cigarette break's getting up there. What are we, in the 40s? Some of the fellas at the club used to call you cigarette break. They go, cigarette break's getting up there. What are we, in the 40s? Some of the fellas

at the club used to call you cigarette break. Cigarette break's getting on stage. Say, hey, let's go get a cigarette.

You know who talked very highly of you? You are, I do love you as a stand-up and you know that. You know who talked very highly of you

was Donnell Rawlings. So you've got, you've got, he told, he said you don't have the, you don't have your card, you're not,

you don't have the card but he said you're invited to the barbecue. Beautiful. That's good enough. I have gotten no invitation. No, it's not literal. Oh, they don't send it to me in the mail?

No, they mean you. Because I noticed that they're having barbecues, him and Chappelle, and I'm- And you're not invited. I haven't got- There's literally no chance you'd go to that. You'd get invited to that. So that was just a figure of- It's a figure of speech.

It's almost like a, it's a social understanding that he's okay with. You're get invited to that. So that was just a figure of speech? It's a figure of speech. It's almost like a social understanding that he's okay with. You're not the white devil. That's how he views you. What does he like about me? What is it that he... He just said you were brave. Actually, he did say, he said you often would do black rooms.

I started it. Yeah, that's what he said. He said you would do black only rooms, but you didn't change for for that i didn't talk in a black scent right i didn't go what up y'all yeah um what's up i'm the white guy don't we suck yeah you didn't do that no he said you always did your same material and i think that's very hard to do because most of us do have to learn to chameleon as comics to different rooms when you're young especially as you get older you just don't give a shit anymore yeah but to do it when you're young is tough yeah because i started at 35 but you weren't right find my voice well you were you were not young in age

right you start but but you're still young at the game but it's impressive even when you're new at stand-up to be brave enough to go well i'm just gonna stick to my guns because it's i'm sure there were tough nights yeah they had pretty tough nights. I mean, he told me about a lot of them. He said Jason would go up there and he would bomb so bad. I need to watch this episode. No, no, this was off camera. He didn't want to embarrass you on camera.

I'm doing it now. But he said, no, he said you would just stick to your guns about doing your material. And I remember going to like the Mint on Pico. And that was so tough. You had to just bring your shit. Yeah, but most of the time if you just were a funny white dude it didn't really matter if you were a You know cool or whatever you want to say if they thought you were if they thought you were down you just had to be like Funny enough or smart enough or clever enough to just barrel through it. Honest.

Yeah, they just want you to be true to what you're saying. Being obviously full of shit. Yeah, but white clubs seem to not matter. White clubs don't give a shit. Yeah, white clubs don't care. They don't even care if you're funny. No. They want to know who you are.

Right, what kind of artist are you? What does this guy been on? Right. That's a very segmented part of the country, though. When you get to the middle of the country. They don't give a fuck. Yeah. It's awesome. Yeah.

They really just want someone who's funny. There's no details that matter. You ever do the comedy union on Pico? Yeah, sure. I love that room. Yeah, sure.

I started doing that room because I heard that Bill Burr would go do that room. He would. He used to go all the time. So I wanted to go to that room. Back when they had,

back when Trippin' on Tuesdays was around at the, well, Mo' Better Mondays was the improv. Trippin' on Tuesdays was. Trippin' on Tuesdays, wasn't that the store up in the Mo' Better Mondays was this improv. Mo' Better Mondays, Trippin' on Tuesdays, wasn't that the store up in the Valley?

I think that was the store. But it was so funny, they always had these, Crack Em Up, Crack Em Up Thursdays. Urban Night is what they would title it, which is also so annoying.

At that point, just say Black Show, a Black Show night. Or just Black Audience. Yeah, well, they're trying to be PC about the way they present it, but you're like,

well, then this sounds even more... It's like when somebody says he's African-American. Nothing drives me more insane. I heard a woman say, she's like, well, my boyfriend is African-American. I want to be like, is he though? Because who says that? It just sounds so racist. I want him to be in the room and go, baby, I'm black.

Yeah. No, you're African-American. Baby, I told you I'm black. No, you're African-American. I know you understand. I know you think that you need to say that. You're African-American, Jamal. I understand that you think. No, you're African-American. I know you understand. I know you think that you need to say that. You're African-American, Jamal. I understand that you think you're

doing the right thing. It just sounds more racist inherently to just say African-American. You don't say you're European-American. African-American gentleman. You're European-American. I know I am. No, you'd never say. You'd say he's American. He's a black American guy. You're a white American guy. I say white. I don't even say American. What do you say I am? Am I

white? White guy. I'm not white. You're red. I'm my own thing. Orange guy. I'm an orange guy i say white i don't even say america what do you say i am am i white okay i'm not white you're red i'm my own orange guy an orange guy we're subcategory we're white dudes man you're white dude man we are white guys i'm not you oh i feel like i'm celebrating that a little yeah you really are i don't mean like no you're a little too proud you're a little too proud i uh i can be like most white people. I'm Native American. You're not. Oh, did you? I'm an eighth Native American. Have you taken your blood?

My aunt did. I would never. I have grandparents on both sides that were full-blooded. Great grandparents. Really? Yeah. Huh. That were full-blooded Cherokee on both sides.

Wow. So you've got some. Yeah, I got some. But I've always found it so annoying when I see these really pasty blue-eyed blonde people going, I'm Native American. Yeah, no chance. Okay, yatta hey, it's a good day to die. My college girlfriend was Native American.

Big Tree is my name. That's your name, Big Tree. We want to get you down to a rubber tree, but right now you're an oak. Wow, a fern. Oh, you're a fern? I'm a fern. If you were a tree, what would you be?

If I was a tree, I would be, because I'm thin and I got cool hair, palm tree. Oh, yeah. Tall palm with the cool hair. That's pretty good. Me? Go ahead. Tree or maybe a shrub. You son of a bitch.

You'd be a royal oak. Hell yeah. I'd like to think weeping willow, because it's pretty, but it also- Cries like a a bitch. You'd be a royal oak. Hell yeah. I'd like to think weeping willow. Because it's pretty, but it also... Cries like a little bitch. It cries like a bitch, yeah. It's pretty to see, but it's also depressing. Enough willow.

How is that tree so beautiful to look at, but also miserable at the exact same time? It's the name. Well, because it looks depressed, but you're like, wow, how pretty. If it was called a happy hang down, then you'd be like, this fucking tree is this fucking tree swinging from the happy hang down tree today this guy this guy growing up in my neighborhood his parents they they installed a massive tree

swing one of those like 80 footers you know into this into this little lake because they had like a awesome white like a hill oh yeah yeah yeah uh and uh they would never let us use it without them being home or and asking first. And it drove me nuts because even if we would ask them, they'd say, yeah, it's not like they paid attention. We could have died. They would have never known. Yeah, go ahead.

They just wanted to know it was happening. But they couldn't really see it from the house. So I was like, why do you care? That's safe. Yeah, I was like, why do you even care? They just wanted to know if our body was found two to three days later. They did ask on Wednesday. You know what I mean?

That drove me nuts. I was like, why do they care so much that's the same thing these these women when my when my parents moved to the suburbs these women moved into this house and they reconfigured the backyard and um they built in a dude a fucking unreal basketball court beautiful and it was like top of the line of the technology back then and they would not let us play. This was in the western suburbs. That's amazing. I mean, it wasn't a full court. It was just a hoop with... Beautiful. Did they put lines down? Yes, dude.

Oh, wow. It was just a hoop on a little slab of concrete. But the hoop was gorgeous and it had a breakaway rim. You know what I mean? When you were a kid, it had all the dope... Because the park hoops were terrible. They were always trash. They were double rims. They were chains or nets. Chains or nothing.

Or nothing. And they were broken. The basketball was always rusted or crooked. Yeah, it sucked. But their hoop was so nice, and they would never let us play. You know how many times I saw her shooting out there? Never. They just wanted to show off.

It was a, what do you call it? Decoration. Yeah, a hoop in the back i drove me dude it made me so mad and they had a light she had a floodlight so they could shoot at night my aunt and uncle had a basketball court full court they had a full court and a tennis court jesus lived out here in woodland hills oh okay money money money money well yeah my my uncle was retired uh captain for la fire department Yeah. I have three relatives LA Fire. Two retired, two uncles that are retired captains, and then a cousin that was a retired commander. And then I have a cousin.

Which one's higher? Commander's higher. It is. Yeah. And now, and they're all LA Fire County. Wow. But yeah, he had this, they had a basketball court that like doubled as a tennis court, volleyball court.

Yeah. And I just thought that was the coolest thing because, you know, I grew up in an apartment. You lived in an apartment your whole life? Yeah, he had this, they had a basketball court that like doubled as a tennis court, volleyball court. Yeah. And I just thought that was the coolest thing because, you know, I grew up in an apartment. You lived in an apartment your whole life? And when we were 13 when my parents got a house. But, you know, humble little house. Right. Three bedroom, two bathroom, just in the suburbs of Long Beach, but like.

Well, where? Bellflower. Bellflower and right off of Bellflower in the 405. Good guess. I had a good guess. Los Coyotes and Bellflower. I know it all too well. That's where I grew up.

That airport down there is the first airport I ever landed a plane in with my buddy who was a pilot in training. Oh, I flew out of that airport in a plane flown by an eight-year-old kid that was taking my lawyer's... Son. He said, hey, my son's flying to Catalina today. You want to go to Catalina for free? And I'm like, yeah. Oh, yeah.

And I'm thinking, Catalina on I'm like yeah and I'm thinking Catalina on a plane and then I'm thinking oh wait I'm in the plane going oh this is amazing and then for a second I went oh this shit

is being flown by an eight year old kid and we gotta land he landed the plane well it turns out that the instructor took off and landed when they were in the sky

yeah he flies up there he was flying it my buddy used to let me fly it all the time when we were in it together and in retrospect I up there. He was flying it and doing those. My buddy used to let me fly it all the time when we were in it together. And in retrospect, I realized that's exactly how people die. Die, yeah, yeah. As college students flying airplanes.

My dad got his license to fly ultralight airplanes. Those are so dangerous. Yo. They crash all the time. My uncle, his older brother who was fire department, was so mad that he was doing that. Yeah. Because he's like, we've pulled those out of power lines. Yep.

Can't tell you how many miles an hour. Yeah. We never had anything. And they let me fly it. It was, those things were awesome. They're dope, but they're so, so scary. It's everything like an airplane. You got the pedals, you got this, and you got the throttle, everything except when you

look down. It's open. It's open. Yeah. And there's a propeller right behind you. I always felt like my lean back too far. I would just get decapitated. Those things are wildly dangerous, but so cool.

So fun. See, that's the problem. We need extra lives. We need Mario. We need to be able to die once or twice. You need to be able to do those things. Oh, man. What would you do today if you knew you had that extra life?

I'm good. I'm so bad since I was a kid. I've always wanted to get into a dog fight in a fighter jet. Oh, that's in a fighter jet. Oh, that's such a good one. My whole life, I thought how dope that would be. And if you could die and come back, I want those to be one of my lives. Where you're rolling? Barrel rolling. Oh, so bad. I want that so bad because I want to be able to not eject. You know what I mean? I don't want to eject. I just wanted to, when you hit me, I'm gone.

Hell yeah, dude. I want to get hit by something. Yeah, when I was a kid, I was obsessed with that. I was obsessed with fighter jets and planes. I thought they were so dope. I was like, that's the coolest. When you're a kid, you're like, is that a job? It's like, not really. It isn't.

It's not a job, but it's something we know. You get paid for it. You get paid to train with the Air Force, but then you don't want to go fight. I don't want to fight in a plane. If I could i would do that oh that's so that's i was fascinated by the idea of land like landing one of those on a uh i was gonna say cobra wrangler but i think you were why you just want to wrangle snakes i've always wanted to like i've always wanted to like face off with a cobra remember Indiana Jones where he like fell down

and the cobra was right there by the way if you watch it closely you can see a smudge on the glass that's between them anyways but I always wanted

to be able to just go and grab that by the neck yeah to know I'm the boss and then use him as a weapon to stab other people

yeah have you seen that guy on YouTube that stabs himself on purpose nope you've never seen this? What?

There's a dude on YouTube. You've got to look this up. He's missing vital organs, obviously. Dude, he is an outdoor guru, and he'll take venomous things. A guru. Isn't a guru like a leader that leads other people?

Follow me. Follow this guy. Take this knife. But he makes the animals. It's usually insects. It's usually like bees who have venom in their stinger. But it's stuff that you can't die from. But really dangerous shit sometimes.

And he'll trap it and then he'll bite him or sting him on his wrist and he tells you about what the experience is like. What? Well, because they're logging it in to find out how detrimental is this. Yeah, someone had to do it. And he's the guy. Who's that guy, by guy by the way oh i could do that as a job

fuck i'll do it yeah it's someone who loves nature that's like i need to know what this will do to me if i get stung i love nature to a point i love watching it on my 55 inch yes you don't ever camp no I've camped but in a very nice camper you do I've done the the tent thing when I was too young to remember but it actually not sleeping outside you haven't done that recently the last time I did that was my son my youngest who's now 30 25 yeah he and his buddies I was the cool dad and it felt like I was the cool dad like they all liked they invited me to do a surf

like we did two or three days on the beach oh nice it was like a surf camp thing I went out and bought a nice tent for me and my son

but inflatable mattresses oh no no no that's weak you gotta sleep on the earth dude I don't wanna do that sleep on the earth but you don't have to

that's how you connect with the earth I'm connected with the earth right now boom boom through my Air Max once you need to sleep on the earth nothing between the earth but me don't have to that's how you connect with the earth i'm connected with the earth right now boom boom through my air max once you need to sleep on the earth between the earth but me and my i think you need to sleep on the earth one time i've slept on the earth i like sleeping on the earth you just put down a comfy sleeping bag and a blanket underneath you're

gonna go that's a good way to tell somebody you're gonna knock them out you're a motherfucker uh-huh you want to sleep on the earth beat the shit out of you that motherfucker was sleeping come up to me again see if i won't put you on the earth see if i won't put you to sleep on the earth. Beat the shit out of you. Pow. That motherfucker was sleeping on the earth. Come up to me again. See if I won't put you on the earth. See if I won't put you to sleep on the earth. I think sleeping on the earth is important. It connects you back to your roots. I like nature to a degree. It's roots.

Roots. It's roots. Roots. All right. Say milk. Milk. Say roof. Roof. Say cobweb.

Cobweb. Say kinetics. Kinetics. Telekinesis. Telekinesis. What does that have to do with roots? Say kinetics. Kinetics. Telekinesis. Telekinesis. What does that have to do with roots? Say psychosis. Psychosis. No, you're good.

R-O-O-T-S. Roots. Hmm. Yeah, no, it's roots. I like root. All right. Okay, it's a root if it's the movie or the root of an issue. Right.

It's a root if it's from a tree. From a tree. Yeah, that's a root. Yeah. Got it. A movie or the root of an issue. Right. It's a root if it's from a tree. From a tree. Yeah, that's a root. Yeah. Got it. A root is the thing. I feel like you have never camped. I have.

Seriously, I just camped last year too. And you sleep on the ground? Well, I sleep in a tent. Okay. But on the earth. A nice tent with a table.

No. A kitchen. No. Regular old school Coleman tent. Two person Coleman. Yeah. Like a... A two person Coleman A-frame tent.

I like that. Who's the other person? Huh? Who's the other person? My dog. And my wife. You got to camp with the old lady. No, she doesn't like it though.

She doesn't like sleeping on the earth. I would love camping in a beautiful camper. Boo. Bunk beds, a refrigerator, a kitchen. Boo. Well, then that's not real. Yeah, it is. Then you're just in a car. My Boo. Bunk beds, a refrigerator, a kitchen. Boo. Well, then that's not real. Yeah, it is. Then you're just in a car.

My tires are on the earth. My tires are on the earth. You're just in a car. So you've camped as recently as last year? Last year we went camping a few times, yeah. Wow. Yeah, it just doesn't... I like being clean.

Yeah. Like the worst part of that camping trip... You want access to showers and stuff. Yeah. There was a shower at the campground. Have you pooped outside? Yeah, yeah. Mostly on accident. being clean yeah like the worst part of that access to showers yeah is there was there was a shower at the camp have you pooped outside uh yeah like again mostly on accident when you poop on it when you poop against a rock it's very relieving you lean against a rock and poop it's really nice and then you use the rock to wipe you don't wipe you don't wipe in wilderness no you

will it away is that why everybody's got flies? Yeah, actually, honestly, when you're poop camping, I'm probably so dehydrated from drinking and not drinking enough water that it's just probably a no wipe. I know that I won't poop. I will hold it to the end of the weekend. You didn't poop at school either, did you? No. Yeah, I know.

One time I did, the bully showed up into the bathroom. Colleagues is pooping! Yep. I would always go between class. I would always get a hall pass to go to the restroom because there was a bully that would beat the shit out of me when I showed up into the bathroom. Colleagues is pooping! I would always go between class. I would always get a hall pass to go to the restroom because there was a bully that would beat the shit out of me when I would go into the bathroom. What's his name? His name was Booker. Booker? Where are you at now, pal? I already had an

in with him. It was really cool. No, but he would come into the bathroom and he would the one time he took my wallet out of my back pocket and threw it in the urinal and made me go in after him. What a dick. And I went in after him. You did? Booker was a big boy.

Did you get beat up a lot? Yeah, that's why my dad. And the thing is, I wasn't afraid of fighting. My dad was like, you're fighting all the time and you're never winning. Well, that's at least you're fighting. So they put me in martial arts class. And then I never got in a fight at school again. Because they knew you were a martial artist.

Also, no, because I got that, I got that, I got all that in class. The aggression and everything? The aggression out in class and it just wasn't interesting to me anymore. But I ran into Booker at a homecoming game and I was out of high school for a long time and went to a homecoming game. Why did you do that?

I didn't, why did I go to the homecoming game? I don't know, I just thought it would be fun to do. It's not fun, that's really sad and weird. And I wore my letterman jacket, it was really sad. I wore my hair the way I go to the homecoming game? Yeah. I don't know, I just thought it'd be fun to do. It's not fun, that's really sad and weird. And I wore my letterman jacket, it was really sad and strange. I wore my hair the way I wore it in high school. Did you wear your class ring? I didn't get a class ring,

we were poor. So. That's so funny. And I didn't graduate on time. Anyways. You didn't graduate? I did graduate, just not on time.

But that means not really. Yeah, but I did. That means everybody graduated and you didn't, and then they go, okay, Jason, you're fine. Pretty much. I have a diploma. Yeah. Liar. I don't know what it's good for. Liar, means not really. Yeah, but I did. That means everybody graduated and you didn't, and then they go, okay, Jason, you're fine. Pretty much. I have a diploma. Yeah.

Liar. I don't know what it's good for. Liar, liar, liar. No, I have it. He's a liar. He's never graduated. Little book. But I ran into my bully.

It was crowded and I was walking through and this guy bumped me really hard. Little dude. And he looked at me and goes, oh my God, dude, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm like, yeah, no problem. Don't worry about it. And then I kept walking and then I realized, oh shit, that was Booker. No way.

Yeah. That was the kid that used to bully me. Did you not go back and say something to him? No, that was enough. That was the universe giving that to you? That was enough for me. Huh. Yeah. Do you want to say something to Booker right now? I killed his mom, dude. I killed his mom. I've killed your whole family, Booker. He's alone now because of what he did to me. Yeah, a little sad, sad alone, little tiny guy. Was he bigger than you back then? Yeah.

So he just grew fast and then never, he just finished early. Yeah, I grew late. Yeah. You're still growing. Still growing. You still have a lot of room to grow.

I'm growing out. Yeah, you're getting wide. You're getting the can. Oh, man. That's what I say to my dad. I hate the term barrel chest. Yeah, if you will, your barrel looks big.

Your can looks big. Somebody told me I was barrel chested. Kept telling me. I don't think you're barrel chested. if you will, your barrel looks big. Your can looks big. Somebody told me I was barrel chested. Kept telling me all over. I don't think you're barrel chested. Thank you. But very keggy. You look like a keg, not a barrel.

I don't have the V that I used to have. No one has the V anymore. I had the V. Yeah, anymore. Nobody has the V. I'm more of a U now. You're more of a teardrop. This is my...

You're a teardrop. Yeah. You're a beautiful teardrop. It's narrow, and then it's so weird when your shoulders go away. That's so sad. I remember looking at my dad when I was a kid going, man, your shoulders are just getting smaller. Now I'm him.

I catch my dad in the mirror all the time. Oh, yeah, that's me. Like when you put your purse on your shoulder, it falls right off because it can't stay up there, huh? Yep, yep. That's a bummer. It's like Lenocci. Lenocci has mouse shoulders.

Necklace, immediately a belt. Yeah, it's just an upside down V. Why am I so mean to him? I don't know. I like him. I love him to death. I love him very, very much. You just like to...

Friendship used to be we all tease each other. Now you cannot... If you tease... You and I can. Yeah. Because we're from that world. Yes. Some of these new guys.

I think people are more careful now because they don't want to offend anybody in your friendship circle. You can do it behind their back, though. Yeah. I'm really proud that my boys are old school when it comes to busting balls. They just tease each other. Busting balls is so fun. I said this to a guy the other day who was kind of being condescending to me at the golf course. And it's weird when guys

who bust balls don't know how to take it back. But you're like, if you're going to hit me, I'm going to hit you back. We're supposed to laugh together. I know a lot of comics that are that way. It's so strange. It's like, wait, you just made fun of me. Can I do it back? I had a situation in the green room. I'm not going to say who it was. The comic came in and i can't remember what it was he i mean he walked in the door immediately busting my balls which i don't have a problem sure it's part of the thing and then i said back to him i go oh my god you're so likable that hit a button well okay so this is the problem obviously he is he's been told that he's not likable yeah so he would like fuck you man i was just kidding and i was like me too so was i you started it what do you want a guy said to me a guy said to

me the other day on the golf course and he says he goes and he's making a joke i understand he's like a skinny tiny guy which there is his issue and he was calling back to something we had talked about before. But he said something to the effect of like, I wasn't listening all the way. As I'm walking, he said something to the effect of like, are you here to finish our fist fight or whatever that was? You know, he's joking about something. But I kind of didn't, it didn't click with me the right way. So I said, could you imagine if I actually fought you, how much damage I would do to your little body? And I'm kidding. Needle. Oh my God my god it was he was

just like whoa do you know I was just joking about before and I was like no no I know I don't me too but also but I also didn't I should have gauged it better you

know what I mean like I said it to a guy I'm going yeah I'm joking too but think about that for just about me punching you about if I hit you in the face think about

me hitting you in the ribs right now what it would do to your tiny little delicate frame yeah oh man that's funny anyway i would be thinking about that a lot watch what you fucking say to me man it is funny would be when you you're if you're busting back you don't mean it you don't have you know that's right like christy stefano and i we always i love joking with him those those new york guys because that's part of the game. It's like, I'm just, we're fucking around.

But there's a weird sensitivity issue with LA where we don't bust as much, and it's okay. We can. Yes. And there's a group of us that we still, we talk about every day, and it's fun, but like. But it gets, I understand that there's a line for certain people that.

People are very, very aware of how they look to everyone in LA it's about how am I coming across to you the New York comedy vibe is just so comedy Tim Dillon just said this on the phone to me it's because New York people have more survival

they have to survive more it's like they're on the train they're worried about getting a disease and someone coughing on them and sitting in poop and getting to the show on time. More so than- No one's parking their car for them at the comedy club. Right, exactly. That's the difference. That's the difference.

It's like survival is taking over the instinct of how do I look as much, as much. It exists but- I always tell people, people ask me a lot, what do you think the difference between LA comedy and New York comedy is? And I say, here's the difference that I see. It's the fans. And here, and it's, which,

which affects the comedian. Totally. And here's my opinion what the difference is. Tell me if you agree. LA comedy fans are fame fans. A lot of them, New York comedy fans

are comedy fans. A lot of them, yeah. I think there's a lot of crossover depending on how, how commercial the club is. But yes,

for a lot of it, people come to Los Angeles because they want to see... When I'm over there doing comedy, even with the fellow comedians, I feel like I... I don't think they give two shits about what I've done.

They don't. Just be funny. And be really funny. Don't be hacky. Don't be... And that... I think just be funny. Yeah.

Out here, there's a lot of maneuvering. Which I have no problem with. I'm very funny. I'm a hilarious guy. H honestly honestly i'm not much of a self-proclaimer no but fuck you're a bad bad you're a bad comic this no no you're good you know what you're good at honestly i'll tell you what your strength is you're good at showing up you're good at being there you're good at being there and you got to keep cracking the bat do you plan on going on tour again or no ever i mean this year this year i'm convenient anymore you're not

we're not none of us are podcasters yeah we have to just reconfigure who where we're going i mean i've gotten a lot of offers that i can't i just can't bring myself to do when do you think next year spring of next year really yeah that's deep if we don't get our shit together everybody just does the right thing for two weeks as a country yeah we'll not state by state because no one's getting it right but if the guys in charge say okay everybody has to do this do that thing and we all go fuck it we have to do it without somebody going it's fake it's this and master taking my freedom by the way get the fuck out of here with the mask taking my well look it's because it's been politicized that's if it wasn't politicized we'd be in a better shape. If Fox News and CNN

weren't so annoying on both ends... I never thought in my lifetime I would see a bunch of white people marching for their freedom in this country. Finally. Yeah, finally. The thing they need. The thing they need in Orange County. They need it. They need it. You think I want to breathe my own breath? These idiots. All right.

Look in the camera and as I walk away, we end the episode the same way. With one, what? You're leaving me? I don't want to be with you anymore. My phone just said, get out, get out, get out. Okay. And it's my get out meter.

I'm going to do this by myself now. I love this. Here's what's going to happen. I'm going to walk off camera. This is how we end the episodes. I want you to say one word or one phrase directly into the camera when I'm off. And that's how we're going to end the episode. So make it count. All right, bud? One word. Or one phrase to into the camera when I'm off. And that's how we're going to end the episode. So make it count.

All right, bud? One word or one phrase in the episode. Go. This was mediocre. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey,

whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You were that creature in the ginger field. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers