Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Jordan Jensen

Episode Date: September 27, 2024

Jordan Jensen – Comedy’s unapologetic voice. Fearless, brutally honest, and quick with a punchline. Watch out – she’ll make you laugh at things you probably shouldn’t. Thanks to the adorable little scamp Coyote, Jordan's mic get's a bit noisy about halfway through. Coyote bit the mic cable. LOL! Check Out Her New Podcast RIP Jordan Jensen (Link Below) https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZ8vJvidtBDmRcNonoOzI2FdFSsFE-TDk&si=8g4GygkcC1yrUReg #jordanjensen #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino =========================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS BETTER HELP 10% OFF YOUR 1ST MONTH https://betterhelp.com/whiskey MANDO PROMO CODE: WHISKEY GET $5 OFF https://shopmando.com HIMS 100% ONLINE TREATMENT https://hims.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. It's your first time joining the show. Welcome to the show. Got a good one for you today and also great news. I'm adding shows on tour. So excited. So, so excited. Come see your boy. Charlotte. Pacola. That's in Oklahoma, by the way. Waukee, Iowa. Omaha. Nebraska. Kansas City. Mo.

Cleveland. Elizabeth, Indiana. St. Louis. Grand Rapids. Detroit. Norland. San Antonio, Chicago, my home Durham, North Carolina, Atlanta Charleston, Philly, New York, Phoenix, San Francisco. We added another show in San Francisco, San Diego. We're going to add another show in San Diego very soon. And Boston, we've already added two more shows. Minneapolis, we're adding another show. Having a lot of fun. Go the team to talk about those tickets and

santino dot com in here we call it jim jim jim jim jim jim Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey, and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Junior. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. Today, it is Jordan Yansen. Jordan Jensen from the popular podcast, Being Jordan with Ian. That's me. I have another podcast out now.

What's it called? RIP Jordan Jensen. RIP Jordan Jensen, please go. I just had Heather the Heat Hardy on. Whoa. You know who she is? I don't. World champion boxer.

Oh, I want to look her up. Heather Hardy? Really interesting. Is she tough? Is she strong? She's so tough she got brain damage because of Louis CK No, it's not really because it's so funny But he gave he helped supported her financially through to this fight, and then she fucked her brain up in this fight Well, that's you're being serious. I'm being serious. So he was like funding her fighting He fought he gave her money so she could change. Yeah, because he was like trained with her.

And I was like, okay. She's jacked. And the pictures of her with her face beaten, it's crazy. They're crazy. It's really good working with her because I'm a pussy. And she'll be like, punch me in the fucking face. You punch her heart? No.

I did just punch Jason Ellis. I trained with him today and he let me punch him in the face. It was super intense. Did it feel good? It felt good, but it also made me realize what a I have all I'm all bark Dude the other day I was punching a guy's window and spit at his window because he almost hit coyote and I'll do that But the second somebody gets out now, let's go. I'm like, but why don't you tell the story what happened? He's someone almost at your dog. Oh my god people can't see coyotes off-camera right now

She's gotten recognized when before I have Picture with your dog. Okay, that's so funny at the airport Jordan we get a picture with that meet and greet so I was like can we take one with coyote and I'm like if you if You love dogs, you know that me lifting and lowering this dog. She hates that guy. See that's interesting Yeah, she does hate McCone so much because McCone is a cop. You know what's funny? Is it bad to pick up her dog and do that thing?

Just over and over. Yeah, they don't like that shit. I love it. You like being picked up and put down? I pick her up and I snuggle with her. No, no, no, not pictures, but I just pick her up all day and I snuggle with her. I walk around with her.

I do. I torture her. I terrorize her. But they don't like it? But it's not bad for them. Strangers. No, she's, look at her. She's an independent bitch. You know why she's doing that because she loves it

No seriously right now because she smells Aaron Belial had his dog in here two days ago or yesterday yesterday Yeah, and and his dog was rolling around so that's a look see she's smelling that she can smell him This is a dog. This is a dog friendly zone dog friendly zone Another studio in here where you film Bad Friends? Bad Friends, yeah, we film them both from here. We get a discount because we're right above that Chinese restaurant below us downstairs. Which one do you like doing more? Which podcast?

Answer the question. I don't like doing any of them. Yeah. Yeah. I like doing podcasts when it's with a friend. This is so nice because I get to see people I haven't seen in a long time. How's it going with Bobby? He's not really a friend

That's more of a business associate But this is nice because I get to see people I don't see I haven't seen you since I was in your house in New York You weren't at my house. Yes, I was no that's his house How dare you don't you guys live together you you and Ian live together don't you guys live together Andrew? You're a couple aren't you listen to me? How often do you say you guys were a couple huh how often the internet tag at the beginning that you guys were a couple aren't you listen to me how often do you say you guys were a couple huh? How often the internet tag at the beginning that you guys were a couple do they always say that they said they always say that We will end up together which is no chance literally no chance no chance. No, I don't live in that I have a very cute studio in Park Slope. He lives

There he lives in the ghetto He lives across the street from Puerto Rican soccer team. Yeah, we went to go get a smoothie near his house and one guy was eating a shoelace. There was a man just eating a shoelace for protein. Yeah, the bodega cat in that bodega we have talked about has its own bodega, like it's its own. It's its own little side bodega?

Yeah. That's kinda cool though. Yeah. How much are you hating LA? Welcome back to LA. You hate it? I have to tell you, I like LA. I do.

Come on. Because I can box, which I like doing, and I can eat healthily. It's so much easier to do that here. You can box and you can eat healthy, but you can't eat bucks. Although I can. Yeah, you can.

And Ismail Lutfi, he was like, you can't, you know him? Who the fuck is that? Oh, he's a very funny comic. Ismael Lutfi? But he's in Ismael Lutfi. You made it sound like he was a boxing guy. No, he's a comic, he's great, look him up. Well, I'm gonna look him up, I wanna know who this man is.

He pointed out to me that you can't do, you can't run outside and get butter at your late night thing, and I realized it's game over. Also, you can't run outside and get butter at your late night thing and I realize it's game over. Also, you guys don't have a good hang. No, we do. You don't have late night hang. We do, but everyone's out of town.

Where do you hang? At the bar at the store? No, never, that's insane. Where? There's a little broom closet that I'll go sit around in by myself for a while until somebody knocks and comes by. I'll hang, where do I hang?

Do I hang? You don't hang, you go home. I don't hang, you're right, I while until somebody knocks and come yeah I'll hang where do I hang do I hang you don't hang? I don't know you're right. I go home you guys yeah You all we know a lot of times guys like Fahim, and I will go out to go get food at like swingers or we're going To her food. I'm saying sitting talking not a real thing. Why am I doing that? I got to go home you we did it at the cellar you would really enjoyed yourself Yeah, because I like the cellar a lot yeah, I like you guys my friends are there Yeah, but at the store everyone's got an agenda Yeah. And I like you guys, my friends are there. Yeah. But at the store, everyone's got an agenda,

we gotta come in and we gotta do a spot and we gotta go home. If we're gonna hang, that's the other thing. The cellar has food. Yeah, good food. Yeah, that's my point. We don't have food at the store. They have pizza and peanuts.

But I don't think I could do without that. I need to do the chicken skewer with the rice and the after the set. I love this. You know that's what I get every time, chicken skewer with the rice. Really? You gotta do it. And a little bit of hummus for the table. A little hummus. Hummus for the table. Hummus. Hum the after the set. I love this. You know that's why I get every time chicken skewer with the rice. Really? You gotta do it. And a little bit of hummus for the table.

A little hummus. Hummus for the table. Hummus. Hummus for the table. No, that's because we don't have good food at the store. That's the problem is we used to hang a little bit by the bar, but now A, everyone's sober. Or B, people are like, I don't really feel like

drinking all night, so we'll go to a place to get food. Fahim and I do that often. We'll go eat. Because otherwise I don't want to sit at the club and just be around the thing and then drinking and people partying. I'd rather go somewhere. I like doing the New York thing is good because it's, it makes you not feel crazy for staying up all night. And I'm definitely, you're an up all nighter. But here I get here and all of a sudden it's midnight here, it's 3am in New York and I'm like, Oh, somebody's sleepy. Wake what are we doing what are we doing and if

that does feel better I like to wake up and get the day started I want to like do something I totally do too but it just is it feels like you reset in New York it's a different thing I know here you feel guilty like here it got to be 1 a.m. last night and I was like I got a big day tomorrow with all these LA fuckers yeah but in New York it's like 1 a a.m We got time for a movie and a half You know let's go watch a film. Yeah, you're you're a big tattooist Have you gotten any tattoos in LA this? You know we have a big tattoo community here. We have good artists out here. Who did I get in LA I?

Don't think I have one in LA get one here get one now they're all over the place but I will you want to come yeah I can't I don't have any you can't you're a ginger it's so crazy I cannot I can't have a tattoo boyfriend who is a ginger with tattoos and it's really let me guess it's like a Celtic cross or something or his family's name yeah is it yeah the cross right here always yeah that's every redhead has a Celtic cross or like their family's name or like a Yeah, is it? Yeah. Kelticross right here. Always. Wow. That's what every redhead has, a Kelticross or like their family's name or like a piece of Ireland or something.

I'm always like. No, your skin's too tender. Don't hurt my skin. No, you can't. This is so embarrassing too. I put on sunscreen back home in Chicago. It was overcast and I was putting on tons of sunscreen and one of the guys with me was like, what are you doing?

What is that? Lotion? I was like sunscreen. He's like, what? I was like, dude, the sun gets through. Just be a cool hat guy I don't but I can't wear like a you know the Safari hats. Yeah, what am I I can't do that? That's what you have yeah cowboy hats are not for me all right. It's just what would I look like with a cowboy hat?

You'd look like it. I think you'd look like a hot ginger cowboy somebody photoshop a picture of me the cowboy hat right now I think it'd be hot actually I think I think so. That's not my... There's a dude, you know Bruce Grey, the comic? You know him? No. He started to go in his cowboy era. He's wearing cowboy boots, he's got a big belt buckle, but I like it, it fits his personality.

I'm not saying go full hipster. I have to. No, just one cowboy hat with your nice little, with a little fucking suit. What are we doing here? My wardrobe, first of all, we wear the same clothes. We're wearing the same clothes. But this is my suit, is a shirt, t-shirt, jeans, and sneaks.

This is who I've always been, I can't. You can't. Like, you know, there was a show, I did a corporate gig, and they were like, do you have a suit? Could you wear a suit? And I was like, I have a suit, but I'm not gonna wear a suit. I'll wear like a, I'll dress up.

I'll wear like business cash. And they were like, we'd prefer a suit. I was like, I just don't wear a suit. I don't look good in a suit doing comedy some people can get away with it Really? I would think of all people you would no bitches. It doesn't fit my personality. Yeah, like you know who's good at it Um, I would say Sam Morrow. Yeah, it's probably the best. I go. Yep. He could do that and no one would know they're Yeah, Norman can't get away with it. No way. DeStefano, no chance. DeStefano could do a pink suit and you know it.

It'd be funny, right, it'd be a bit, right. He could do a gay suit, a pale blue suit. Right. He could do... Powder blue, a little powder blue suit on him? I have, I mean Hulu said to me, basically they said, we want a more feminine person. They were like, we love your hour, but we want you to be more feminine. What's that mean? What does that mean like they wanted somebody with a they?

Show some show some stems. They want me to yeah, they want somebody who isn't a bro But when we did a Toronto show weren't you wearing you were showing your legs during that show never You've never had your legs out on stage. No, do you want to see them? Look at this? Look how it's I've worked really hard Yeah, let me see. Ah, can you want to see them look at this look? It's I've worked really hard at. Yeah, let me see Can you imagine whoa? Strong and clean furry. Oh you show you like to keep the fur. Yeah, what's that? You don't but it doesn't look like any hair. I know you don't have dark hair. No, it's so downy What is the last time you shaved? Oh? A year, what about your pits my pits don't really grow on pretty that's the most I get well. There's nothing there. There's a couple

So we tattooed on my eyebrows are tattooed on I very like my pubic hair sparse like a cancer patient. It's like this Wait your leg you haven't shaved your legs in the year, and is this gonna be forever never again. You're over it I think I'm over it. I mean sometimes. It's nice It depends I when I'm it what I just got out of a relationship with a guy who hated me So I would shave a lot. Thank you so much So I would shave and try and do everything but now that I'm not in that I'm like fuck it who cares But do you like so I like it because I think it's soft and peachy it is soft Yeah, yeah, but you also don't really get hair, so it doesn't really count. Yeah, if I when I see women with dark hair

I'm like you're disgusting you're That doesn't really count. Yeah, when I see women with dark hair, I'm like, you're disgusting, you're a pig. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Dark hair is disgusting. You know what I just learned? When you're anorexic, you grow thick arm hair. Have you seen that?

Really? And then, yeah, you grow thick black. Just your arm? No, yeah, your body, to deal with the temperature, it wants to keep itself warm. Which, also, if you release a pet pig out into the wild, it grows thick hair and tusks. So, anarchy girls.

Women are pigs. Good, very good. Did you ever use Nair? Yes, the smell. My sister used to use that when she was little. Rotten eggs smell. The smell was unbelievable. Yeah.

Now, what was that from? The chemical reaction on the skin? No, it smelled like it in the bottle. Did it smell that way? Yes. Because I remember coming home sometimes and then my mom would be like, be nice. Do not say anything mean. Okay.

How amazing is that substance in the body? It smells like it. It smells like it. It smells like it. It smells like it. It smells like it. It smells like it. That is did it smell that way? Yes, because I remember coming home sometimes and then my mom My mom would be like be nice do not say anything mean okay. How amazing is that substance though? It's I mean how does it do that? How does it I remember being like no way and putting it on and being like gagging at the sulfur smell and then wiping it And being like now that's a product like it was like it worked They just couldn't get the smell chemical right Otherwise it would have keeps it would have kept selling We had problem with me shaving growing up because one I have lesbian mothers and they were against it

But I also have the thing where like if there's a knife there. I'm like What if I what if I you know, but what if I so every time I would shave my legs? I'd be like what if I kill myself and then I would faint because I'd be thinking about killing myself So I couldn't do it. Your mom's were both like don't shave. My mom was is like my mom is a faux hawk for pubic hair really naturally a faux hawk. That's tight. Yeah, that is tight. Are these really a tattooed on?

Yeah, no chance. They look so good. Yeah, they're micro bladed is what it's called without it. It's like blonde, you know, so funny. I'm so dumb. I thought micro blading was a trimming technique. No that is you're not that dumb. That's Threading threading threading that's what that is yeah threading That's where they come in with two little pieces of string and they doesn't that but that looks like it'd be more painful than just

Really, I mean I don't want to do it, but it looks incredible I used to grow a big unibrow when I was a young little lad Oh And and I would take my dad's I don't want to do it, but it looks incredible. A little Asian woman doing it? I used to grow a big unibrow when I was a young little lad. And I would take my dad's razor, and I'd just put a razor to the middle of my eyebrows. And then he caught me doing it. He was like, don't do that. Your eyebrows are way too far apart.

And also, it's my face razor. Get your own fucking razor. I was like, I'm too young to have a razor. He's like, I'll go get you one. But he's like, you should pluck them. Don't use a shaver. But I was so embarrassed about hair in the middle that I would shave with my dad's face in the middle So my eyebrows were like yeah, you have these little guys so stupid. Yeah, but as a little boy

You want hair masculine? Yeah? Yeah, but not only in only in the perfect places you want here on your legs and under your arms But if you get hairy here, what's your what's your? Chest hair situation? Barely any. Barely any. Let me guess. Small diamond here. There's nothing there. Nothing? I have like no hair.

Completely gone? Almost no hair. No, you got the... Oh yeah, you got a little stripe across. That's good. That's ideal, I think. The back hair gets crazy. I don't have any. I have no back hair. Women like men with like a thick...

I hate that. I think it's disgusting. See, if I was gay, I would want a guy with a tuft of chest hair. Really? Because I don't have any I have no back hair women like men with like a thick I hate that I think it's just see if I was Gay, I would want a guy with a tuft of chest hair because I don't have any I don't think you say what I feel like You little twink in the watch. I don't think you say if I was gay. I would like that I think you should say I like when men have that because you are a little gay for saying that you know what I mean Like no don't do this to me. Okay. Okay. It's like maybe like if I were gay If I were gay I would like you know a kind of like butch woman with like okay. It's like maybe like if I were gay if I were gay I would like you know a kind of like butch woman with like a backwards hat and like maybe like a pixie get like I'm

Just described it like I'm not gay, but if I but the one person I would fuck is this that's what you're saying How about this when I see guys? When I see gay guys together The kind of couple that I go. Oh those are good looking guys beating around this proverbial bush how about this I'm not gay how about this if I had to be gay if you made me gay if God forced me to be gay if I was playing a role where I was gay it would be easiest for me I almost did you know I almost did really hey no okay oh chill hey hey hey chill just be just a little protective that's all that is lay down

It's alright, sweetie. Oh, I get it like the mic like the mic get the face like the mic Here's the thing what I'm trying to say is if I was get well, I let your dogs looking inside of my mouth I'm like if I was gay No, when I see gay couples like really like what is it like well manicured guys No, disgusting. I just again when you guys can I say this when you guys buzz your like well manicured guys? No. Disgusting. Even when you guys, can I say this, when you guys buzz your, the top of your pubes a little? Clean? I don't like it.

Nobody clean buzzes. Do you clean buzz? Not clean buzz. I mean even when I can tell that there's been grooming. Faggot, faggot stuff. No, no, we have to groom a little bit. No. No, no.

With scissors. Why can't we use a... Because, because I can see that you've done that and there's something really disturbing No, no, no with scissors Why can't we use a me? Because I can see that you've done that and there's something really disturbing about the fact that you're like, okay But I have a third amount of I have a lot of pubic hair. That's okay. That's good I don't like it. It's too much it gets it takes users twist it and cut it But you can't be buzzed why scissors are dangerous. You go. You don't have a penis anymore. Okay Thank God scissors are so dangerous right though, right though? It feels sketchy. It feels good. I have labia, dude. It's scary.

Labia's nothing! You pull the hair down, this little skin's showing. Labia's nothing. Do we have- everything's out! I have an outie, you have an innie. You're not going to cut your penis off. Yes, you will cut your penis. And that's a fear that your father instills in you as a young man. He says, don't cut your penis.

Don't cut your penis. You're not gonna cut, maybe your a little ball sack. Yes, I don't wanna cut my nuts. So if you take just a little, yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi just take a thing and just let it slide. Just let it go. I don't like it. You gotta be a wildebeest. No, cause when I tuck my legs behind my head, and I roll around the house. When you're getting caught by your hairy man. Yeah. When I do my thing, when I do my dance, I wanna feel, look, I do know what you mean.

Too much manicure is weird, but full boar, full bush, like it's just, it's way too much hair. Okay. Like dads, like remember seeing your dad's bush when you were a kid? I love dad's bush. Yeah, but that's because you, because the daddy thing. Okay, like dads like remember seeing your dad's bush. I love dad's bush Yeah, but that's because you because the daddy things blah blah blah blah. Yeah I just found out about covert incest from law and order done done. Do you know what covert incest is? No, I'm trying to make this a bit and I don't know how to do it

But basically I was watching law and order And it was like this woman's all fucked up because she had covert incest. And I was like, oh, and it said her father would always talk about sex. My dad did this, talked about sex, asked about sex, had sex in the room next to me, had photos of sex around, you know what I mean? That's gross. Walked around naked. Disgusting. Right. So and I was like, oh, my God. And it was talking about how this like fucked this girl up.

And I got so, like, overwhelmed by the fact that I was realizing I had this, that I shut the laptop off, immediately jerked off. Immediately jerked off. How do I make that a bit? You know what I mean? You just did. I'm saying like it's, it fucks you up sexually and it fucks, yeah.

It makes you emotionally. It regresses back to what you used to feel. Right. Whoa. So you don't wanna fuck her down her down he's dead so I can say that but yeah my dad was so hot he was a hot guy oh is your mom a hot girl yeah they were both hot bears grizzly bears just big beefers yeah I mean my dad was just ripped cowboy what did he do carpenter broke thoroughbred horses

seriously said oh yeah slow down Nessie, where did he live? Where did he grow up? Cigarettes. He grew up in Chicago, but then he moved to Lansing outside of Ithaca. Lansing, Michigan. Lansing, New York. New York? The sticks. That's way, way out? I've never even heard of that. I know where Ithaca is, yeah, because of the college. Yeah. That's where Ithaca is. Your dad was horse tamer in North in upstate New York He was a contractor, but yeah, he also did that in upstate. Oh, he was a drug addict. He was a weed addict big time Yeah, yeah, why is that contractors are all on drugs? They have to be my mom's a contractor. She's not on drugs Anymore well she's on that pussy. Hell. Yeah, she got on pussy Yeah, now she's a big old dick. Does your mom listen to your podcast?

Yes. Does she? Sometimes. Would she listen to this? She doesn't like listening to Ian. I get it. Yeah. She might listen to this because she likes you. I like your mom.

Yeah. Yeah, well, you know, look. Ian hit me up this morning, by the way, speaking of which, about a car accident. He got in a bad car accident? You don't wanna talk about it? He hit you up about the accident today? Cause it happened a while ago.

And he's been- I don't know if we had, no, no, we talked- Milking it. He's been milking it. He has been milking it, bro. Every, oh, his arm's back in the sling. Okay, here he's, oh, he's slinged up? He slings up, oh, my brain's weird, you know.

And then he said, pain, you know, it's been a pain, and I felt really bad, I said, I'm so sorry about that because I got hit. And then, you know what's so funny? I got hit in our neighborhood, and at first the girl was like, total, like, you know, yes, my fault, it was, literally. And then of course, a week or two later,

the insurance people were like, well how fast were you going? He's like, wait a minute. How'd she hit you? She hit me. So in my old neighborhood, there's like a blind turn, and it's a bunch of old apartment buildings that are now like office spaces.

So like, people that come out of there, they turn quickly on this road. It's just like it's kind of blind but if you're paying attention you would see a fucking car but I was coming around driving regular speed and I saw dude it's so weird I've been a couple accents I saw her see me you know what I mean yeah like it's like a moment in time freezes and she stepped on the gas instead of the brake smoked the front passenger side of the car spun us out and everything but it was in the car, spun us out and everything. But... Who was in the car?

Me and my old lady. She was in the... She was in the passenger seat, yeah. Oh, is she okay? Yeah, unfortunately. Because it hit the passenger side. It hit the front side, yeah, it hit like the front, the tire. But the bumper was...

Ian did flip. Oh, really? He flipped a few times. Oh my God, no, dude. That's way worse. He was fine. It was an Audi. His car flipped Yes, but it was protected by pillows and fluffies. He was totally fine. Have you ever been in a flipped car before? No. Neither have I. It must hurt.

From afar it looked like it hurts. It's just one of those things where he first slips in and he's like oh my god for some reason I feel great. He's taking pictures of me. And then like a couple days later, he starts being like, you know, and I'm like, all right. You know, you think he's playing it up. He's a milker. He's a milky milkers. He's milking the tinnies.

I do think it really scared him. But the problem with Ian is he's very sentimental. So if he were like, dude, my head feels fucked up from that accident. I'd be like, yo, let's deal with this right now. But he's like, it starts with like my dad saved me in this accident And then I'm immediately my brain shut down And I'm like I'm gonna kill myself and then he's like I'm in pain

And I'm like you already lost me at the sentimentality stuff You know what I mean like I can't I have to go straight stepdad with him and be like you need the devil Yeah, go outside throw the ball with me for a minute. You'll be fine. Yeah wait whose car. He doesn't have a car He rented a car't have a car. He rented a car. He rented a car and flipped it. Somebody hit him. And he flipped it.

What was the car that hit him? SUV? Right after he got hit, I had my friend on the pod who was in a horrible, he's a very funny comedian, Keegan Tindall, who was in an accident and has entire full body third degree burns all down his body. This is right after Ian flipped it. And I was like, we're gonna have this guest on. Such a dick. Yeah. Talk about your injuries guys.

Yeah, yeah. Keegan Tindall, shout out to Keegan Tindall. Shout out, he rules. And he's got third degree burns all over his body from an accident. Do you have any tragic things that happened when you were a kid, other than all of the sexual abuse? Sexual abuse, my dad's dead, my best friend died, what else happened as a kid? Lots of stuff as a kid. I used to have type 2 diabetes be huge, big fat fatty, that's traumatic.

You beat it though. I did beat it with cock. It just sucked a lot of cock. So if you eat enough cock it beats diabetes? Yeah, it's like insulin. I've never even heard of that. I'm really sorry. I don't even care at all. Are you guys all here? Say hi to the dog, dude.

It's a girl, dude. Don't assume. Don't assume genders, man. It's really offensive. Can't trust Mexicans anymore. Used to be able to, huh? Back in the day. Yeah. At Home Depot, pick them up, scoop them up, throw them in the trunk. Yeah, I guess we go build it. I love picking up Mexican day workers at Home Depot. That

was my highlight of my life. You take them to get lunch and then drop them back off? You take them to do a job that like you just are like you guys are the most incredible. They move so fast. They live off of Gatorade. They talk shit about Obama. They're just so fun. They're so fun. He wasn't good president. I don't like that. He killed more of us than anybody else. I said, I'm going to see. Yeah, Obama actually started the wall. Isn't that the irony?

Yeah. Obama actually did. You know this, right? Obama was the first one. That's what's so weird. It's crazy. And Trump got all the credit. Once again, a white guy stealing a black guy's work.

All the time. Once again. Another Elvis. Pulled an Elvis. Another Elvis. That's what we should call all the time once again another Elvis pulled an Elvis another Elvis That's what we should call Trump Elvis. Yeah, yet another Elvis. I got that dog She's fine. Actually, it was George HW Bush. He started the wall. Yeah 1993 God bless and before that and then in 1993 Bill Clinton oversaw the initial border France construction So Bill Clinton was like, but you started.W. started it. Make it higher. But Obama,

Obama. I will say Trump didn't say build my wall, he said build the wall. The wall, right, it wasn't his, he didn't want to show ownership of it. I get that. I'm fine with a wall, walls are fine. They should be a proverbial wall.

I mean that wall, We should have, The dome, the Israel dome thing, what is that? That thing's sick. The Israel dome thing what is that i think sick the israel tome what that thing called dome of death don't know that yet that don't what they've been under down sunday don't

what is that they aren't they playing games are not a plane for the super don't it's not a super don't know what it's called the metro don't it's called something don't know that literally stops missiles that thing sick yeah what is that called the dome that stops like? Israel presents Iron dome Only thing I know about politics is where it becomes like Batman where my dad's a dome and then they come in person

No more Israel stuff I told you that. We talked about that before the show. The Iron Dome. The Iron Dome. In here, we pour whiskey. This episode of Whiskey Ginger is brought to you by BetterHelp. Hey, I've used a therapy for quite a long time now, and I've got to tell you, BetterHelp is wonderful. To do something from the comfort of your own home and not have to go to an office, wait and feel uncomfortable and weird and overwhelmed.

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Visit BetterHelp.com slash Whiskey today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, betterH-E-L-P dot com slash Whiskey. Ginger, I like gingers. It'd be so fun to have a penis. Honestly, it's not. Can I tell you, this is my biggest feeling. The fun thing is tucking it. That's fun. Oh I tell you? This is my biggest. The fun thing is

talking it. That's fun. Oh yeah. Like I'm talked right now. But it's so fun when this is why I'm straight is it's like me a guy and then this other guy, this new guy that we're hanging out. Whereas a woman's vagina, it's like it's them. Their vagina is them. It is us. It's like it's like into the vagina out of the mouth, grabbing the heartbeat. You know what I mean? Like where's the penis is like we fuck around with this dude You know what I mean? Like we got a little visitor What are we gonna do it's kind of nice cuz you meet the guy and then you meet the penis Yeah, and these are two different guys greed

Yeah, it's kind of like somebody you both have to deal with right, but here's the vagina and a woman We're very like this is me and take 10 to it. Right. Whereas the penis is like, I don't even know this guy. He's just coming in here. No, see, I think it's a guy that you like though. It's a guy that comes to the party and you're like, wait till this guy shows up. Oh, that's a good way to look at it.

And he's there and he's like, what's going on? And you're like, I'm gonna suck it. Yeah. I'm gonna suck it. And then the balls, his two little buddies who are just like, we're here for the hang. Yeah. You know? Hey, what's up? Yeah. What's going on? Is he saying no? Which one of my the hang. Yeah. You know? Hey, what's up?

Yeah. What's going on? Which one of my balls is longer, left or right? Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. You're right. It's because you're dominant, right? That's right. Yeah.

I don't know why. Are you lefty or righty? My left. So yeah, your left ball's longer. And I have one, I have a... What lip is longer? You got a longer lip? I have a slightly longer right lip.

I have a hamburger vagina. You know about those? Yeah. There's there's the IKEA vagina. I call it which is where it's totally flat porn stars I've never seen it in real life. All right. Yeah, I mean, yeah, I call it IKEA cuz it looks Looks great, but it's cheap and then there's a hamburger That's you. Yeah hamburger. Yeah, that's the hamburger Yeah, and then there's the I don't know know I haven't had any the ones with the yeah inception Stimpy from Ren and Stimpy. They come out Ren was that Ren Ren which one had a mouth like this Ren right? Oh wow

Wait, no, Ren was really skinny. Ren looked like a vagina kind of wow. That's it. That's the thing It was like a chodey penis. Yeah, right. They tried to bring that back. Somebody said they were trying to bring that back. And I thought... It brought beavers and butt head back. The problem is, that was such a moment in time. The conversations, like the vernacular, was such a perfect moment in time. Now, like their talk, 25-year-old talk,

is what that would have been then. But now it's like lit and all that bullshit And what's the other thing that you say that I hate you say so much fire fire. I hate that shit What's the other thing you fire you say a lot of dumb shit that I hate what's the other stuff? I hate I Don't know Do you say everything he says like a lot of like a Ohio? No, I'm not that you're that what the fuck That's like Ohio Riz Giyot all those well, I always read something's lame Ohio? No. I'm not that young. Have you heard that? What the fuck is that?

That's what they call- Like Ohio Riz, Giyot, all those. Well, Riz is- Ohio is when something's lame? I don't know. I mean, that would line up. It's all weird post-irony. Post-irony?

What's post-irony? It's the state of comedy that the current Gen Alpha is living in. What's Gen Alpha? This is the new kids. They're younger than the Zoomers. Gen Alpha's like 16, 17? Oh. Right?

Yeah. Or 20, around 20? Probably like under 18. What is, what would be a, what's irony? Post irony is just like, it's like a, it's like a. Tim and Eric? Are they just stealing Tim and Eric? It sounds like Tim and Eric.

Kind of. That's what it sounds like. I guess it's even further than that. But it's like so, it's just like something that. It's not further. Shouldn't even be funny at all is funny, because there's no inherent meaning to it like something that shouldn't even be funny at all is funny because there's no Right an example would be like the kill Tony guy who like dances or whatever I don't know who that is what's that guys know the example would be like no chick-fil-a sauce

that girl What's that or there's like you know you don't know this girl? It's like it became she became like a meme on the internet, but you're like it's so kind of Boringly unfunny and odd that somehow it became culturally funny and it be you know what I mean like this right like that that is post irony it's a deep-fried picture of Lord Farquaad with an E and there's no meaning to it but people are back there is no meaning to it makes it deep-fried Lord Farquaad with an E on him it doesn't mean anything it means nothing but it means everything. Yeah. It's artistic interpretation.

It's like Jackson Pollock. But what are comedians sounding like? Oh my god, no one's going to do comedy anymore. We're done. This is it. You guys know how Mark Twain is like a comedy writer. He is. Have you read some of his stuff?

Sounds a lot similar to Jordan's stuff. That's right. You and Mark Twain are very similar. A lot of N words. Yeah. Really? A lot of N words. You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.

Ooh, I'm excited. That's awesome. I like, here's my problem that I'm finding. This is crazy, but like, you know, Ani Eason, she's like a, she was a writer, whatever. She was a writer. So you're trying to say Anne Rand? No.

Anne Rand, also a bitch. Basically, she just started hanging out with all these like Lower East Side artists. And I always read her. She wrote the diaries of Annie's in. And I was always like, this is like an old bitch hanging out with these young artists. Yeah.

And now my comic friends are getting younger and younger. You're the old bitch. And I'm like, oh, yeah, it's because the nuance of the humor is better. Like it's more, it's more like subtle and super imaginative, whereas our generation is very much like, I'm going to exactly describe why this is funny and how. You know how this is like this because of this? Yeah, that's us. Yeah, right.

And they're just more like, imagine a guy in a hat doing this and you're like, oh, that is good. Yeah and I like it. Yeah. It is true. Well like how old is uh, how old is he? He's ar- he's ar- he's ar-age. Yeah. Right.

But he looks young forever. He looks young forever. Isn't that nice? It's really fucked up. That's awesome. Yeah. Cause I'm gonna be 41 in a month and it really does um. How do you feel?

You know what's so funny? 40 didn't shake me. 41 is like real now. Cause you're in it. Yeah I'm inside of it. 40 was like I'm excited for 40s cuz I feel like 20s you you are you hate yourself Yeah, and you're trying to be somebody else 30s. I think you accept yourself, but you fucking hate it That's where I'm in now where I'm like I accept this bitch, but I she sucks correct and then 40s

I think you might start Liking yourself like I actually am okay with it. For me, it was 20s, you hate yourself. 30s, you hate everyone else. And then 40s, I hate myself and everyone else. So 50s, I'll be gone. Okay, great, perfect, perfect. 50s, I disappear. That makes sense.

No, I don't know. Maybe I'll start doing drag or something fun. Maybe like really switch it up. I used to go to this drag bar all the time. We really loved it and it's called I should take you some are you gay? grow up You have a wife right? Oh, yeah, I met your wife. Okay Did you wear drag? No, I've never done that but I like going to the show and I like singing so I'm right there. You're right there

I'm right there. I just don't know My size you think about my size. I think they will I think they will have more of your size now than normal women It is funny. It is rad to see like a size 13 heel Yeah, it's rad. It was a cool object. Yeah like at hamburger Mary's they serve your check in a drag shoe and in a drag heel And it's like a size 13 heel. Wow, that's a they put your that's the that's the check. I like drag I like I wish that we were in more of a drag. Drag era? Well, I like, I think like New York Dolls,

I think it's punk for men to dress like women sometimes. But I don't, it's less punk when now everybody's like, if you're in drag now you're trans. What are we doing? But it's also lost all of its kind of like... Subculture. Yeah, the subculture's gone. And there's no contact, so it's kind of like, what is going on? What is that now?

Like, what do you think about, we had this discussion yesterday, what do you think about just straight guys, regular ass straight guys, paint their nails? What's your opinion on this? This is like a big thing now. I just had a sex. I just had a sex. Just once?

I had one sex with a man who had painted nails. He put it in one and she was like, I'm. Thank you for the sex. Yes. Well, it was actually, we were in our 30s, so we went hard into it And then we were like we need a break and then we were like we got it you want some water. Yeah You had a sex with this man. I had a sex with this man and

He had painted nails, and it depends on the dude if they are ripped and slightly punk I will allow it if they're just what if it's like a guy looks like no we're not friends anymore, right? What are you doing? I don't but I just know there is guys doing it. So I'm like, what is this? What is the what's the meaning of this? I guess it's just Decoration I guess I want to be I want to be You know like Arrested Development, you know, the kids be kids who need to be seen or heard, you know Yeah, that's how I feel. I'm always of the like don't be seen or heard just blend into the yeah I've never been a flaw. This is already a flower. Yeah, I don't need to be a flower everywhere else

Yeah, I don't need a kutram on yeah Like when I see a man who leaves the home with a lot of shit on I'm always like man is that exhausting? Because you have to think about it That's my problem with being a woman is if you don't have a bunch of shit on you people are like you're what's going on You're a diet can I'm like first was your rings was your bracelet was your necklace? It's crazy Yeah, I see I think simple is better. This is good. I'm trying.

Simple isn't basic. Simple is just clean and easy living. But now we're in the age of like maximalism where everybody has like huge nails that have toys glued to them. Women have the eyelashes. But that is funny. I do like to see that.

There was a TikTok account that I like to watch sometimes and the woman will self do things at home, and she... Self do things at home? Self do things at home. I do self things at home! And she'll make her own nails, and she makes, she shows you how she does them, and it'll be like little danglers off her fingers. It's awesome.

It is cool. But impossible to use in public. Yes. At some point you have to, what do you, I mean, you've never had long nails. No. I've never seen you with you with this is the longest they've been because I haven't been home in a week are you a biter no no I'm a cut it down short cut it to where it bleeds no but sure as short as can be I've cut it way too short I was raised by lesbians they were always like you're disgusting if you have long nails but they were their finger banging no right they don't want that

to get in the way yeah you can't. But while there's no lipstick lesbians, is that a- Yeah, one of my moms has a lipstick lesbians. Right, so I'm saying that's not like- Still short nails, she's still finger banging her wife. Yeah, that's for sure. Well, they don't have a choice. But they're painted short. Oh, they're painted short nails? Oh, so they're like you little cutesy poochies?

If you have long nails, people are like, you're not a lesbian, you're not real. Really? Yeah. What, you're just a, what would be the word? You're like, you're a stolen valor lesbian? Yeah, you're... Wow. Yeah. Do they call them out? That'd be so funny to watch stolen valor videos of lesbians, girls going up to them, being like... If I see a woman who says she's gay and she has long nails, I'm like, I call bullshit.

You call bullshit. And they're like, well, I've been single for a while. And I'm like, okay. But you can't finger a woman with long nails. You can't do it. Right, right. That's why men and women should be together. That's God's way. That's why Jesus Christ made dudes with short nails. Because we're supposed to be this way. They're supposed to be little flowers. And we're supposed to squirt them flowers.

I do think it's cool that women are supposed to be flowers, but our genitals are in our body and they're extremely durable and bleed. And men are supposed to be stoicic But you guys have little soft little balls sensitive balls Unless you're one of these guys like a like a Steve-O or these guys that get like kicked in the nuts and ripped in the Like this always to me. It's just mental illness. That's why I get a drug addict to get kicked punched pulled tugged Lit on fire firework like it to me I'm getting we got like we got sent a bunch of these sex toys from this company.

Did you get the blow? Yeah. Auto blow? Yo, if I had a dick, have you used it? No. How is that? It's huge. Listen to me. It's huge. It's such a contraption. It looks like a humidifier, but how? It has the mouth on it with the ridges and the moves?

Too much. You don't wanna just see? Just lugging it around is absurd It's really ridiculous. It's heavy. What am I doing with that thing the second? We got it. I was like I just want to know what it feels like and then slide it under the bed afterwards I feel sad doing that once no because I tried years ago flesh light gave us flesh lights at South by Southwest years ago And I remember everybody was like you get this gift bag and all these comics in the hallway the the Hyatt were like yeah this is a flesh light in there and everyone's like yeah everyone was like you gotta try that pretty soon is

it sick it here's the problem with it after you use it right because you're stoked it's like whoa it's cool feels incredible but then when you're done you're like hmm yeah yeah I feel after every time I masturbate I have to have sex because of how bad I feel after well that's I feel bad after welcome to our world that's we always feel I mean for some reason as I've gotten older I feel less bad when I jerk off but when I was young yeah the moment you're done as a child just like I still feel that way I feel gross I feel like a single fat ugly girl Now is this

Don't come in and see me You know what I mean I feel like I'm like yeah I feel like it's a sign that you can't have sex if you're masturbating Well have you ever seen yourself in the mirror when you masturbate? It's like the sad it's like the fucking weird like you look so sad and gross It was a hotel and I turned to the right and then you know how on the back of the bathroom door has a mirror so the bathroom door was open and the mirror and then I like look to the left I was like oh my god and I look like just like such a fat slobbering like like go Slimer from Ghostbusters I was I was like fat Slimer and there was food next

to that I was like oh my god I stopped I like got sad I was like fuck it let's take a shower really because I saw myself we look so gross when you're like yeah, you guys so gross jerking off I don't mind men I think men jerking off is kind of hot cuz it feels like I'm like you cannot touch this and they're like I want to though But I get but whenever I have a dude do that they're always like this must be so disgusting I'm like, it's not disgusting. Yeah, but for us we feel kind of yeah, we know we look in my mind's eye Like if I'm floating above myself, I'm seeing me. I'm like this must be so disgusting. I'm like it's not disgusting. Yeah, but for us we feel kind of yeah We know we look in my mind's eye like if I'm floating above myself. I'm seeing me. I'm like gross I think the speed is jarring to you Oh, I think if you guys were going slow and tenderly you'd be like but when you have to speed up

That's when I notice you guys start getting embarrassed Yeah, that is there's nothing comfortable about it you ever get caught masturbating your kid No, I did not I don't masturbate. I almost got caught masturbating on tour with who Segura Tell that story well I like this is fucked up. Can I tell the story? Yeah, I was going through What was it? Oh, yeah, I remember what it was. I was going through what was it oh yeah I remember what it was I was going through a breakup so that's when I jerk off the most because I'm a I need to emotional yeah you want to hit but also I was like working I was so I'm was so attracted to

Tom's trainer have you met him Tom's trainer Tom as a trainer with him and I was like doing push-ups and he was helping me do these push-ups. And he was hot. He's hot. Yeah. Yeah, he's hot. And I went back to the room, was jerking offrusive like it's so easy for me to be like yes I was but I didn't do it. Yeah, that's him. Oh Yeah, he's a kind of bill burr dude. He's rich. He's like jacked bill burr He also is just like large man and when I'm getting dumped and somebody's like a large safe Did you request did you ask him if he wanted to fill you up request? I figured that was it's a little inappropriate how Your two adults consenting. What's he doesn't work for you, it's just he's a guy you know through another guy.

But he's like being paid by... So what? Not by you. That's true. Yeah. Alright, get him in here. That's like if you hooked up with McCone, I'd be like, what do I care? I'm paying him. That would be fucked up. Why?

Cause he's... poor. Yeah, he wants the money. He's poor. I'm more successful than him. Oh, I get it, I get it. You're saying, because because I pay him, it then is almost like, hey, you gotta fuck my friend. Yeah. Right. Yeah. But, maybe we make him. Okay, great. Come over here.

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I like gingers. Dude, I was talking to fucking my, because of the breakup, I think it was Francis Ellis. Yeah. John Radnitsky. Yeah. Talking to me. You just flanked by these two guys? Hanging out with them.

Right. And they have the fucking audacity to say to me, you don't need to be with this guy, you can be with anybody, you're so beautiful and so funny. Well that's nice. And I said, then pull your penises out right now, you pieces of shit. Because then Inwalk's their girlfriends and they're like,

you know, like fucking ice sculpture alien women that are like from a different planet. I mean, I'm like, yeah, fuck you. You literally would not fuck me. They have little Twiggy girl, Twiggy girlfriends. Yeah, they have a completely different fucking, yeah, they have Mars girls. Are you ready to go? Yeah.

I have to go, you know, I have to go by a certain time. Yeah. And I was like, fuck you guys. That's always what it is. Always my hot guy friends are like, you deserve the world. And I'm like fuck you guys that's always what it is always my hot guy friends are like you deserve the world Then I'm like you and they're like I have self-esteem. I'm bigger than the world. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah I'm the universe. Yeah, I have a lot more to lose well First of all nice to get gassed up by friends

Is it it is nice is it when you're feeling like shit when you know that they're lying? When you know that they're basically saying you Are in a different echelon that I am in you know what I mean like you like I am talking about a different Shelf of liquor here sure you know what I mean yeah, but sometimes that plastic bottle makes its way up to the top I would prefer somebody to be like once you get to know you You know that sounds way worse. You're right. That's that when someone goes like like when someone's referencing someone that you know in a group, and they're like Yeah, I mean I

Yeah, I mean, but I know her if I want them to say if you if we weren't friends. I would fuck you That's all I want to hear that's all I want to do the only thing you need to hear if we weren't friends I would fuck you right now because you think the friendship is the. I just would like to be tricked that the friendship is the break I know that it's not I know that they're Comedians and you can be a big fat disgusting slap hog and go on stage and tell a joke and you get the hottest women being Like he looks tall be in you're like that's the stage. He's actually quite short All right, go ahead and say it who's the biggest fat gross hog that's got a hot chick? Go ahead and say it.

I'm not saying that. Go ahead and say it. Name any guy. Name any comic and he's fucking the hottest chick ever. I'm trying to think of somebody. Okay what about female comics with hot male boyfriends or husbands? Who? This is a comic this happens does it feinstein's husband's babe the fucking

firefighter meg he's a babe yeah but she's like next level hot she's like okay when you ask me to name somebody and name somebody okay you're right female comics good ones get get hot guys okay bad ones don't alley Wong she dates babes I get hot, they're just retarded.

What do you want? You can't have all the- What? I want all of it. No. You're not gonna get a hot guy who's intelligent and cool. Really? That's the triage. Every guy knows this. The thing with women too is like, you can never get a girl who's super cool, super hot,

what's the other one? And smart. You're not gonna get cool, hot, and smart. You get two of the three, always. Really? Always! Cool, hot, smart. Cool, hot, smart. It's impossible, but this is- Funny? Funny's cool. Funny, funny, and cool are in the same category as cool.

Funny, hot, smart. I think I go- I think it's funny, then hot, then smart. No. On what you like the most? I don't know. I think it's smart. Funny has to be tough. I think it's smart because funny then smart. No. On what you like the most? I don't know. I think it's smart. Funny has to be tough. I think it's smart because funny is kind of included with smart. Yeah.

Uh. Yeah, but you know these smart guys that like go to riff and it biffs hard. Well, the riff biff is not, I don't like that. That's- Yeah, the riff biffs are- By the way, New York is home to some of the worst riff biffs. I gotta be honest with you. Really?

There's a lot of riffy biffy guys out there. Yeah. Like as much as they make fun of LA guys- LA doesn't have it? No, not really because we don't have a lot of riffy Biffy guys out there Yeah, like as much as they make fun of LA guys no not really because we don't have a lot of like riffy circles You guys do like full act outs in the green rooms and stuff like no we don't talk to each other in the green rooms That's insane. We sit on a couch and we're like hey hey I was just at the green room there was a lot of act outs going on. Well name who it was and we'll blank it out The classic glassy he's a yeah, that's him glassman and Jeremiah doing a full watermelon stepladder doing a full improv game

While the New Yorkers were like Smoking painting reading yeah, I saw a girl last night speaking of which at the baseball game We're like behind home plate amazing seats and the young girl 17 18 whatever something in around that with her dad, she's reading a book at the game. I was like, man, that's wealth. That's wealth.

You're reading? She's just a child. No, she's a high school person. Right? What game? What sports? Dodgers-Cubs game. But it's like incredible.

I'm like, these are like very- Is baseball? Yeah. Yeah. That's the most boring sport. No No, I have Basketball I'll watch baseball baseball's great. You got to go though baseball live not baseball TV. I went live Would you go boring? Fuck you? Boston you went to a Red Sox game. You didn't have a good time

I don't know if it was red the fucking wild dude the monster, but they weren't you are wait You don't know if it was Red Sox. The fucking wild dude, the monster? But they weren't, you don't know who the monster is. No, it's the wall. Oh. That's the wall. But you don't know which guy is good. You don't know which guy is good. Right, that's your thing. But basketball, they're all good. They're all amazing.

Well, that's because they're all black. Yeah. That's why, I know. That's why it's fun to watch. Baseball's got too many whites. I said that for years. Too many. Get rid of them, please. Get them out.

Golf? How do you watch golf and baseball? See, that for years. Get rid of them. Yeah, get them out golf. I don't watch golf and baseball See, I that's funny. I golf and I don't want to watch golf. I mean I will sometimes but nah Like baseball they step up they they strike like a million times Then when they hit the ball you were blinking for that one second. You have to like oh You know, oh there to go, you know, and then you can't even find the ball and then they're like this guy's moving I think it's him. No, it's over there. I miss the entire thing all right Well, we won't take it all big-ass ball bouncing around big-ass black dudes court seems dinky compared to that was the original name Dinky think it was it was called dinky courts. Yeah, it's called dinky courts that makes sense to me big ass black dudes on dinky courts

Thank you go word on this hotel. I was just coming out in Chicago. They had the the entire team bus the Dallas Dallas wings, the WNBA. Dallas, fuck. Why can't I think of it? I can see it. Because it's women's. With the WNBA team that just arrived in Chicago when I was leaving.

Yeah, Dallas wings. Dallas wings, get it. They're so big. Dude, I got in the elevator and I did this. I want them to hold me. Like a little kid thing. I did this like a little kid thing. I go, my God.

Yeah, Amazonian women. They're so big and so strong. Yeah, they could just chuck you. And by the way. Hot. Good amount of babes. Good amount of babes. Good amount of babes.

They could scoop you up by the bottom like a little fucking cherub and just whip you against the elevator wall. Wouldn't I love that? Wouldn't I love that? It'd be so nice. Pin me. If she could lift me up and I could wrap my legs around her waist, cute.

That'd be so cute. Pin me, baby. I'd love to see that. She got out of the, these group of girls got out of the elevator and I was like, good God, my ignorance is high. But I was like, I don't think the WNBA had this many beautiful women. Back in the day it was kind of like,

yeah, but now I was like, oh my God. All these women were good looking. Every single one of them was good. Yeah, but they're also like style yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, It became a thing when guys were like, I want to look cool. But it's also half their job to drink water. Got to drink. And not smoke. Nah, but these guys, have you seen the diet of some of these guys? Have you ever heard how some of these, these NBA players and some of these football players? They're bad.

Because they don't give a fuck. They're, these are specimens. Their body processes everything at a rate that like we couldn't even dream of. But the women are going to be hot. They're going to have the top line. They all had Chipotle at the hotel waiting for them. Really? My hand to God. They can eat McDonald's every day. But the women are gonna be hot. They're gonna have the top line. They all had Chipotle at the hotel waiting for them. Really? It was my hand to God.

I heard her literally go, did you get Chipotle too? And she goes, oh my God, what did you get? You get a bowl? They all got big bags of Chipotle. That's awesome. Yeah, because they're athletes. They can eat fucking anything.

They're also 22 years old. That's so fun. I know, don't you miss being young? Oh, just tearing through a bag. I had a cinnamon roll and I cried on the walk after. Yeah. Yeah, I was like, this is a fucking bummer. I'm never gonna be able to get rid of this. It's crazy, and you feel so bad the next day.

Yeah, and I feel like a dumb guy because I was like, I didn't need to eat it. And I did that thing that my mom does that pisses me off and I love my mother, but we'll get donuts, you know? Like I'll go get donuts for the family when I'm home and she'll take a knife and she'll cut a sliver of the donut and she'll eat it. Oh yeah.

But then she'll come back in two minutes, another sliver. Another sliver until the donuts go, eat the donut. Me and my mom crumble Oh yeah. But then she'll come back in two minutes. Another sliver. Yeah. Another sliver. Until the donuts go. Eat the donut. Me and my mom crumble. This is what we do in common. We are raccoons. We will take a chocolate chip cookie,

crumble all of the chocolate out of like five cookies, and just eat the chocolate. That's our way of like saying we're not eating it. You are a trash person. I know. It's crazy. We both do it. My sister would be like, both of you

have to leave my house. Just go get a bag of semi-sweet morsels and eat it. Can't do it. Can't do it cuz then we'd overdo it You're doing the same thing already. I know Shame there's something about the foraging of it like that right you are trash people Yeah, we're trash me and my mother are trash. We are trash. It is crazy that is same time. Well my mom taught me The the cheeseburger dunking in a chocolate shake that was my though i remember being out from a seven or eight burger yeah which you do issue rep a cheeseburger and have from mcdonald's

and she dunk it in the check and we did it i know about when these french fries in the windies in the frosty yet the list but if you're talking to cheeseburger machine no you got to do it i have a real fatty what in so long i did have to go well recently yep shit my freedom to talk a horrible you get those feather shits. Oh, right. I call them feather weights Where they just like it? No, it's like you shit and it's the middle of the shit comes out

Can't get the shell you need the show it's got to be protected. It's got to be protected So you're just shitting these long...yes. The casing's gotta be on. The casing is required. I can't hit you now. And then where is the casing? Can we be honest? Like where's that gonna go?

Because I just shit out the innards and now the casing's just in there. I gotta wait like a week to stack it. Wait, so you're being such a good girl that you're not having any fast food or anything bad girl stuff? I have some Jolly Ranchers. I'll have candy occasionally. Jolly fucking Ranchers? That's like the worst candy. I know, I'm trying to quit the vape so I'm sucking on Jolly Ranchers. I'll have candy occasionally. Jolly fucking ranchers. That's like the worst candy I know I'm trying to quit the vape so I'm sucking on Jolly Ranchers. Oh

You picked up the zinnies. I have to the vape is making me Ruining my life. I wake up Wave mommy, wave mommy What's your favorite vape flavor? Mexican mango Mexican mango It's disgusting. And I'm not, I'm 33 years old.

I can't be sucking on a toy that has a rocket ship that lights up. What is a Mexican mango? It's a geek bar. Geek bar. I do need these. I've seen these before. Bobby loves those things, the geek bars. Mexican mango is your flavor of choice. And it calls your name at night. It does.

Come on, he'll call my name at 4 a.m. I'll wake up. You're done! You don't want to mess again. Or dan. Or dan. I am under your pillow. First you need to look for me with kind of a frantic sort of energy. I'm going to hide from you.

Now you're going to have to, oh, no, I'm not going to stand up out of bed because that would be crazy. Oh yeah, now you are standing. Now we're shaking the sheets. Your dog is awake. That's good. Oh, you found me. Okay.

Hit me. Hit me. Hit me again. Hit me a lot. Hit again Many times until your dog gets cancer what I don't understand about them because all my friends do them is There is no the thing I missed about smoking was there was a completion well there was a timing ritual to it Yeah, well those things there's no timing ritual. This is as a time ritual. That is a time ritual. That's why it's great Yeah, that's why I like them. Yeah, but but there's no timing ritual with you. So you do it all day every day. Yeah, see that's what gets scary to me It's disgusting and I wonder how much more You're having oh

My god, like how much more nicotine are you getting out of those? I would love I want to see this research of them going here's so much nicotine more nicotine You're getting because the consumption is higher than if you just put in his in or if you or if you just smoke a cigarette Or a cigar they know this it's doing the data. I want to see it though I mean these are pillows these are gonna I'm sure these are gonna come out and be like these I talked to the this one a friend of mine here It goes who worked at Reynolds big tobacco miss. How's it years ago? And I was like, what is this Joe Rogan? Yeah, yeah, what and she was she's a horse you try to fuck my boyfriend But she said that

These were the gonna be the big problem with tobacco. She was like these are gonna fuck the tobacco industry Yeah, but what are they gonna do to us? It's fine. Fuck that. That's a fucking that's a fucking nicotine patch. I Know you think what is water vapor and like you can hear it like I can when I hit the vape I can hear it Like like I'm like I'm hitting like a machine. There's a little guy in there. There's a guy in there Yeah, there's a guy in there lighting something on fire and like yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah. This is just straight It's like coke on your gums. You know what I mean? Yeah, and it lays on that it just yeah, it tucks in there I'm just gonna be hanging out up here for a little while. Yeah, do you do it? Shut up. You do it.

Shut up, leave me alone. Take a walk. What are you talking about? By the way, when you said you're staying in an Airbnb, I'm curious, genuinely. I've done this before with guys I take on the road. Yeah. But I've, I gotta do hotels now.

Because I don't think you save any money. I don't. Yeah. And I've just learned I'm starting to get grossed out by the Airbnbs that I've fallen into I Like I like a big fridge. I like to be able to cook I like to be able to I don't know you want to cook because you're here for a while I'm here for like three days, which is to me no just do the hotel I don't know I feel like I broke it the money always broke even for me

Yeah, it always broke even because a Airbnb has a million fucking hidden costs You think it's another thing and there's a fee and then a thing in a banana I start I got I got tricked one time. I was in Tampa maybe or tell us here whatever and we got this place and me and the guy that I was with we walked in it Fucking was disgusting and then I hit them up hit up the owner And then he fought me on it was like wasn't dirty, but we cleaned it last week blah blah I was like mmm. This is fucking gross. Yeah, and then he

like reluctantly gave my money back, but then also you know dinged me on the Appside so then they were like oh, he said you cancel the payment blah blah blah I was like I don't know how much money. yeah, I don't know if I do it again I was supposed to be here four days, and I was like four days in my mind was a week between shows between and I was like Okay, I'll do an Airbnb in West Hollywood so I can get around easily And I have stayed in Airbnb's where I was like I love this place. It was designed by a woman in a carriage house It's adorable. There's a yard the dog goes in it But I don't think I will do it again for that reason

because I do, I think I got lucky that one time and the rest have been like a sad vibe. A little sad, yeah, a little sad, sketchy. Also yeah, designed by woman is important. Kind of like when you pick a masseuse, if it's like male or female. You know, it should be Airbnb, who owns it? Male or woman. Who owns it?

Yeah. I know. And I went with Robert and he is, yeah. Show me Robert! I went with a Robert and he is yeah show me Robert I thought it was Robert Robert, but he's Robert. Oh Robert. Oh, yeah. Yeah prefer a woman What do you do when you get a massage you get a woman or a man? I get a man because I want them to go harder see I find that the women go harder than the men The women go harder on the men the women go softer on the women ah Men destroy me and they're a little rapey, which I like.

It's a little weird. See, I like the women because they know no bounds. Don't you get a big heart on, though? No. No? No, never, I've never gotten an erection from, I got close one time. How is that possible? Because of your mind, I I mean I'm so gone and I because of my injury

I have so much pain. What's your injury? Well my but when I hurt my back years ago. Is it still hurt? Yeah, my boyfriend was giving it to me bad really he racked it up. Yeah, he herniated my dad Yeah, we all do anybody anybody over anybody over 40 40 you got a disc. Where is it low? Boy, it's like a l3l4. Oh, I'm sorry about it. It's okay. I have scoliosis. I know I can tell ya Yeah, by the way your head sits No, but every time I get a girl I'm not I'm not They they I'm focused on like the pain relief. Yeah, so no, it's never it's never sexual but one time I got bought My wife bought me a like a double masseuse when we were in Costa Rica two women at once and I was like

This is the coolest thing on fucking earth. Yeah, that was a little oddly sexual also Yeah, we can women because you're imagining them kind of hooking up Like you're and they're so beautiful Costa Rica women are fucking so beautiful Yeah, and they and these they're touching you and you're like they're there and they're so beautiful Costa Rican women are fucking so beautiful Yeah, and they and these they're touching you and you're like they're being sensual It's one thing if you're under the hands of somebody and you're like, this is a woman doing their job But when two women are almost like having playtime They brought their friend we're talking to each other in the middle of two I remember this feeling going over to like a dude's house and then having like a friend with me And I remember the sexual vibe going up if it was one dude and two of us. What is that?

I think it's cuz you guys are like oh, I've it's like a you there's like a space for women You're like I'm not gonna even do shit, but you guys could do something right. I'm just here I'm just here, but if you guys are but if it's you and them then you guys get the anxiety where you're like Oh my god, it's me, you know Yeah, that's interesting that it is. It's a big energy shift. I've been in college I got approached a couple of times for threesomes, and I've done the devil's threesome me and a buddy really yeah I had to check out early though. I tabbed out. Did you well? I got what I needed and I had to get got again They were talking. Yeah, he was chatty. That's horrifying. He was doing like oh, yeah, and I was like

I did a I gotta go. I did a threesome once but I also did a Molly in the back of a car me and my best friend were had our boyfriends there Uh-huh, and they were like what if you guys we get in the back of the car and you guys suck our dick and we're like Yeah, we're on Molly. Yeah, we're gonna completely flaccid penises because of the Molly Pulling on taffy was so humiliating it's humiliating, but we did not give up I was quite impressed and then there almost became this like competition of like my boyfriend's a little bit hard Yeah, get it hard. I mean drug drug wiener is just gross wiener. I can't do drugs anymore mine retreats Yeah, whenever I did drugs my penis was like no isn't that crazy?

Yeah, it went inside of itself whenever I I did, like when I do mushrooms, my wiener was like, I gotta go. Yeah, but it wants to be touched also. Yeah, but it's interesting. People find there's so much sexuality in getting high. You know, like a lot of times people like to smoke weed and fuck, no, I'm the opposite. No, I don't.

No, I don't, I don't, I don't go through the, when I'm intoxicated, I never get horny. Booze, booze, yeah, but boo but booze is yeah but this is just loose that's dead. That's why I had to quit. That's loose juice yeah. I was yeah loose. You were loose juice yeah. I was loose on that. Come on in! It was texting come on over. Come on over. Yeah. How long have you been off the sauce? I like have been on and off for years but I like you know the last time I drank I went to Rome and had a glass of wine and Probably like two years besides that but is it like you go to Rome have a glass of wine you control it

Or is like you go to Rome. No, I'm not an alcoholic right. I just am a loosey goose I'll drink it and get sad and like miss my dead father and want to have sex with your dead father my dead father You know I mean, I'm like why am I doing this I already feel like this sometimes You're being sad off booze is the worst I don get- I'm like, but if you give me coke, we're having- Hey, hey! I don't do it anymore because I love it so much, but like that's what I would be addicted to. We're gonna build something. Is Adderall coke.

Yeah. Because I run sleepy, so you give me a downer, I'm sleep. Yeah. But if you- See, I run high. Oh, so you like the booze. Yeah, depressants are great. Yeah.

Oh, that's great. No, no, I run low, but they're bad for me because of my my peaks. My spikes are insane. My highs are high. My lows are low when I'm tired and I'm hung over and I'm traveling and I'm bombed and my lows are just like go away. Yeah. Yeah. You know, my eyes are being a comic is though it really I don't people don't get that. It's like you're like there's one hour tonight where I get to feel amazing and the rest is like the color beige Everywhere and by the end it's old and it's the hum of a fluorescent light Yeah

And it's a and it's a very like ugly bathroom with a shower in it and it's nice cities checking into the hotel nice city getting Into the club hi hi hi hi nice to meet you. How are you guys? It's not nine to five where you're like, I'm doing my work. You know, it's like. Right, you get to show up to an office. And I'm not bitching. Yeah, it's great. We're not complaining.

I'm just saying, it is funny that we do, you often have to do, you always have to do the nice thing and the right thing. Because then you don't want someone to go, what the fuck is her deal? Yeah. And you're like, oh, I'm just. No, Jake was saying to me the other day. I'm just literally with anxiety thinking about going on stage.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. Jake was saying the other day, he was like, oh, I'm just... No, Jake was saying to me the other day... I'm just literally with anxiety thinking about going on stage. Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry. Jake was saying the other day, he was like, I feel, because the other day I was going through break up, break up, had to do meet and greet, two hours of comedy, another meet and greet, right? And then he was like, man, it makes me realize that like,

when you hear about these clubs, cause clubs will always be like, well, you're way better than this other person that came in. It's like, you have no idea. Like, it's so hard to be like, eh, you know everybody all the time yeah hey hey hey hey and and I just flew for four hours I got into the club you don't have my rider I'm starving starving I'm pretty hungry you know yeah always starving yeah the plain peanuts didn't do it yes you're tired you're hungry so it's hard to like kick the

lethargy and be like I also also have to go work. Yes. I think that's the other thing, is that we're doing a fucking gig. But you do hear the horror stories of going to a club and someone's like, you know who fucking fucks? Those are my favorite to hear. Yeah, I know, but then you're also like, man, I bet that someone's gotta have said that about us. I know.

If I'm a cunt, it's just a big old tip and get the fuck out of there. Leave them the money and get out. Leave them the money and get out. Because the money makes everybody happy. Yeah, totally. Are you on tour right now, by the way? Are you touring? Yeah, when am I not touring?

When do we stop? You're supposed to stop. When? I think you give yourself a little bit of a break. How long? I just bought a house. I'm gonna work on it. Holy shit.

Thank you so much. Where's the house? It's in upstate New York. It's tiny. How far, what town? No, don't say. Yeah, it's outside of Ithaca. In the middle of nowhere.

Where daddy was. I'm gonna hide there. Where daddy was. It's more in the, it's a of Ithaca. In the middle of nowhere. Where daddy was. I'm gonna hide there. Where daddy was. It's more in the, it's a sweeter part, less hick. Less hick. It's more of a sweeter part. Two, two bed, three bed? One.

Ooh. It's like a little, it's a cottage. Love a cottage. It's so cute. One bed, one bath. Yep. A little area for the pup. Yep.

Big ass living room, lots of light. Beautiful kitchen. Fireplace. Breakfast nook? Breakfast nook. Gotta of light. Beautiful kitchen. Fireplace. Breakfast nook? Breakfast nook. Gotta have a breakfast nook in a cottage. What is that? Why is that? Little woodshed.

Me and a cup of coffee in the breakfast nook in the morning? Can you imagine? Get out of town. That's the best. That's my favorite thing. He knows. My little favorite nook in my house? Genuinely. Oh, the only thing I care about is my little nook.

Cause I like to sit in the morning and have coffee. And just sit. That's the best. And I get to stare at nothing. And I really like it. I don't need anything extravagant. I want a little tiny place to drink coffee. I have a studio in New York for that reason.

I'm like, I want my studio to be a tight little sweet place that I love. And then I will have a house elsewhere when I have to. Look at you, fancy bitch. Thank you. Well, she doesn't need your money. Don't go see her live. I need your money.

No, she needs your money to pay the mortgage. What's your website? You got a website? I'm sure. What is it called? Dumbslut.com? Yeah. I pay attention to my friends.

It's punchup.live.jordanjensen. Punchup.live.jordanjensen. We'll put the link in the description below. Check out RIP Jensen. I want to know what people think about it. Go watch RIP Jensen and let us know what you think about it. Go see her on tour. She's wonderful one of my favorite humans comedians friends and harried leg

Downy leg downy legs Tony one of my favorite Tony legs Go see her live. We end the show the same way you look into that camera You say one word or one phrase to end the episode one word or a phrase whenever you're ready Cornish game hen on the winkle The ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.