Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Matteo Lane

Episode Date: June 16, 2023

We got a real treat for you this week. Santino sits down with his pal the hilarious Matteo Lane! We take a tour through his grandma's house, they talk about their trip to Paris's fashion week for Kid Super, and so much more. There's alot of gold rings in this one. You'll find out why! Matteo has a new special called "Hair Plugs & Heartache" that's out now on YouTube! It's a must watch!! #matteolane #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino ============================================= SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS SQUARESPACE Get that site up and running now! 10% off your order https://squarespace.com/whiskey BETTER HELP Get the help you need from a licensed professional 10% off your first month https://betterhelp.com/whiskey AURA FREE 14 DAY TRIAL https://aura.com/whiskey ========================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. If it's your first time joining the show, welcome to the show. We got a good one for you today. Like my man Steve Harvey done say, it's Matteo Lane. Matteo Lane.

Matteo. The multilingual, multifaceted, multi-talented comedian and good friend of mine, Matteo Lane, has a special out right now called Hair Plugs and Heartache. It's available on YouTube. The link is in the description below. Go to YouTube and watch Mateo Lane's Hair Plugs and Heartache. He's so funny, so intelligent, so quick, so sweet, so character driven, so animated. He's a beautiful, beautiful man. So please watch Mateo Lane. It's enough

rambling for me at this point. You know's let's go to the episode in here we pour whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey you're that creature in the ginger beard sturdy and ginger like vampires the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse ging. Ginger's our hell now. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth.

I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Matteo Lane. Hi, how are you? Thanks for having me. The way I say that, Matteo Lane. I just crashed your other... How fun was that? You crashed Bad Friends and now you come back and do this?

We had it set up this way, and Bert was really, really wasted, so Mateo came in sleeveless like he is, showing off the... And Bert immediately was like, Mateo, get out of there. Dude, funny drunk. I was just going to say hi, and then, you know, of course, Bert being Bert is like, come sit down. No, we wanted you in there.

Have a beer, have a beer. And I'm like, I'm not having it.'m not having It's three o'clock in the afternoon When's the earliest you drink? I don't I barely drink I mean I know If

And if I The earliest I know is 7pm Because I'll be in bed by 8 Really? I'm not like You can't last You can't Did you ever

Were you ever someone that could party? Oh my god My early 20s Yeah Every weekend It was wasted Did you ever go skiing? I've never skied in my life

Oh coke No God come on Jeez I'm like Early 20s, yeah, every weekend. It was wasted. Did you ever go skiing? I've never skied in my life. Oh, coke, no. Oh, come on, jeez. I'm like, wow, we're going to skiing here. No, I've never done cocaine. I've never done any drug besides Molly once, and I had a great time when I did Molly. Well, I've done a lot of drugs.

I just never went no skiing. Cocaine scares me. Well, yeah, yeah. I mean, I think that's the one that I think I would never not stop doing. That's the problem. It looks like the fun one. No, that one scares me. Well, yeah. I mean, I think that's the one that I think I would never not stop doing. That's the problem. It looks like the fun one. No, that one scares me because if I have too much coffee, I'm like the world. Like as my friend Molly Merkel says, I don't know if the creator's taking over or I had way too

much coffee. Like I just, I would feel the same way with cocaine. I feel like it would be an uncomfortable I'd be so anxiety, like anxious. Yeah, but you know what? I sometimes live on the edge. I like feeling something a little bit. You know what I sometimes living on the edge I like feeling something a little bit you know what I mean

like when I quit smoking I do anal I feel a lot oh right yeah that's so I don't need to throw myself off of a

I need a nicotine patch and you need to just get your ass ripped apart yeah god bless good for you ripped apart Mateo is

one of my nearest and dearest friends and Mateo now is truly ascending into one of my favorite standups he's one of the nearest and dearest friends and Matteo now is truly ascending into one of my favorite stand-ups. He's one of the best that I've seen and known for many, many years. Thanks. And Matteo now has a special out

that I think everybody should watch. Matteo? It's June 11th. If you've not seen it on YouTube, it's called Hair Plugs and Heartache. I wanted to call it Matteo Lane. Netflix said no, but everyone in my team shot that down. Why, why do they,

see, but what's the reasoning? I understand why they do this political game, but it's like, it's a fun joke and if Netflix didn't get that part of it,

then I don't want to be in business with you. If you don't get that comedians making a joke about the world of it, that's what I don't like is because the teams are always like,

oh, I don't, I don't know, I don't know. Well, you know who actually brought it up to me was Mike Cannon and he was like, you know, I think it's beneath you, Mateo. He's like, oh, I don't know. I don't know. Well, you know who actually brought it up to me was Mike Cannon. He was like, you know, I think it's beneath you, Mateo. I guess it's a little petty.

It's petty. It is petty, but everyone laughs. I mean, hair plugs and heartache is good because it's like I opened the special by saying I got hair transplants. And I talk about the entire process of that. And so that's a good title. My friend Mitch came up with that title. And I was like texting Schultz. I was like, what about this? Is's a good title my friend Mitch came up with that title and I was like texting Schultz I was like

what about this is this a good one Andrew's like my comedy guru he's the oracle yeah and he's like I like hair plugs it's better than

hair transplants it's catchy and you know people will want it it's quicker to say too hair plugs and heartaches no but also I do going back to it

I understand the pettiness of it but I also think it's lighthearted and fun there's a moment that we do in comedy where we're like is this uh cheap or is it cheeky and cute like it's right there and I think a lot of times if you really step way back I think we're so close to it but it's like I just think it's fun you're it's like some of that stuff is just having fun so it would have been good either way yeah you know what I mean it would have been controversial because then people would be been like, why did Netflix say no?

Like, what does that mean? Would have helped. But then, you know, what's funny is like the comments are like, next time Netflix. I'm like, I paid for a whole, this is like,

there's no difference between this. Yeah, you did all of it. Yeah. Like there's no, it's the same production value. I know, it is funny. It's like people don't know like what with my special I did on Netflix.

I paid for it. So it's just kind of like, it's the same thing. They see the red N and I get it. But the mmm. Yeah, they want to hear that. Yeah, ba-dum.

Well, also, I've talked to many people about this. I've talked to Angela Johnson. Same thing where she's like even if you put one on YouTube, people go, I saw your Netflix special.

It was so good. Right. So it doesn't matter. It's synonymous. I love you on TikTok and they mean reels. It doesn't matter. Because we live in this

stupid business and we think everyone gets it and they don't and they don't care they don't give a shit they're busy with real lives yeah so I'm gonna miss you

when I go to New York and you just gave me a piece of bad news that I heard with one of our assistants here that you're gonna be in Italy again in bellissima Italia

io parto il 15 di giugno per due settimane e dopo che vado a Sicilia restare con mia famiglia massina alright I need a rag somebody get me somebody to clean this up whenever you do that

I've talked to so many people when you took me to that restaurant where were we Rivalta Rivalta my favorite pizzeria in New York City you were

flirting is the wrong word but there needs to be another word for you being cute and friendly with someone that is it's pretty but it's not

you're not there's nothing sexual behind it just Italian just being Italian yeah yeah you were just being Italian just being Italian but it was so you're not there's nothing sexual behind it just Italian just being Italian yeah yeah you were just being Italian just being Italian but it was so cute and sweet

and he was loving it and I just sat there hey Enrico we talk about Madonna a lot oh you do in Italian yeah but I was watching you guys' interaction and I was like

I want this you know that's what I want I felt like it was like I was single watching a couple like madly in love and I was like why can't I have that for me?

I know. That's been me for the past forever. Yeah, but now you're in love. I am very much in love. I don't know if I can say that, though. I haven't quite told him. Well, here it is. Well, hopefully he's not.

It would be better if I told him in person. I guess I shouldn't. No, but you— Okay, how about this? I mean, I'm like, he knows. I mean, I'm like, he knows. What mean, I'm like, we, he knows. What is the moment in the relationships with you in the past where you, do you always say it first or do they say it first? Do you wait?

I said it first to my first boy. I've only had two boyfriends. So when I was 22, I said it to him first. And then my second boyfriend, who we broke up, obviously we broke up, but we're still friends. He said it to me first. He said it to me after a week of knowing each other. I feel like as time goes on in a relationship, you look back on those things of who said it first. And it does kind of matter to the relationship.

It means something. Like who gave in first, so to speak, or who was more like vulnerable about it. Me, I'm the bottom. See, yeah, right. That should be you. You should do it. Emotional about everything. And I'm a tip-top and you know that, so I never say it. I don't love nobody!

That's what attracts me to tops. It's like, oh, a hot man that hates me? I'll date you. Cool. Yeah, but you know what? No, I'm a sucker for that. I say it all the time. I say it more than she does. I say it all the time. But I also say it, people have said to me, well, you say I love you a lot.

Like, I say I love you to you. I say it to a lot of my friends, too, because to me, it's like a, it's just me saying, like, hey, I care about you. But if I said I care about you, it'd be like, well, that's just not in the vernacular. People don't talk that way. But that's what I'm really saying when I go, all right, man, love you, and I'll see you later. It just means, hey, I care

about you. I hope you're reminded that I care about you as a human beyond the simplicity of a relationship. Like, I care. It's nice. People were getting older. We know people dying. I know, everybody's dying. I know.

I had a friend that lost two people now in their life, and it's almost like, that's why I think more than ever, and this is not just in our age range, advice for, you know, if I knew then what I know now. But it is really like do it, go for the thing, have the fun. Who cares?

It's all good. Try it. A lot of people are motivated by fear, I realize. Like I think, like my friend Pat put it best. My friend Pat, he's just, you know, a normal person who lives in Chicago, but he's one of the funniest people I've ever met. Ever. Yeah, Pat. No, very gay, Pat.

Oh, Pat. Pat Powers. Pat. Is there even a gay Chicago? Is Pat? Pat. Pat. Pat.

Pat Powers. Oh, that's his name, Pat Powers? Pat Powers. He drinks pop. Hi, Pat Powers. Pop here, please. I'll take a Diet Pop. You know, I said pop

for the first time the other week, and I don't know where it came from. It's pop. I say soda now. What? Because I live in New York. Fuck you. If I said pop, people would look at me like I'm a fucking psycho. Mateo. I know, and I don't know where it came from. It's pop. I say soda now. What? Because I live in New York. Fuck you. If I said pop, people would look at me like I'm a fucking psycho. Mateo. I know and I said it was with

Rodrigo, this guy, and I go yeah, you can buy some pop there. And I was like, oh my god. Pop. I'm like, go get some pop down by the jewel. I'm like, I could not believe I said pop. I haven't said it in so long. I mean, still, when I go home, I say stuff that my parents say and I go back into that Chicago stuff and it's always pop. I haven't said it in so long. I mean, still, when I go home, I say stuff that my parents say.

And I go back into that Chicago stuff. And it's always pop. It's always... Soda, to me, sounds... Like a 1920s, like, here's what else, y'all. Soda. And they tease us, and they say, that's like, ah, pop. You want yourself a sody pop?

Yeah. Like, they mock us. Like, it's... We all sound like... Yeah, that's right. Say it again. Yeah, dude. With a Chicago accent.

A bunch of... Over accent. A bunch of f***s over there. A bunch of... With those guys running around. Those guys f***s you're hanging with. Yes. No, Richie, they're not. Yeah, they are. I've seen those guys.

They're... Soft in his loafers. Yeah. And like, are they happy? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, you know, he's... Yeah.

Well, you know what they say. I think I've said this to you before. Moe's. Moe. They call him Moe. You know what that is? Why? No.

Homo. Moe. Oh, I kind of like that. You never heard that from Chicago guys? No. Yeah, there's a bunch of fucking Moes. There are Moes over there. I would think Moe's Tavern.

Hi, welcome to Moe's Tavern. God, I fucking love you. Moe's Tavern. Yeah, the bunch of Moes. Those guys say, oh, those guys are Moes, man. No, the Moes over there are nice. It's a good neighborhood. It is such like an endearing.

It's almost like not mean. They don't mean it in a mean way. They mean it like, no, no, those guys are all right. The Moes are fine. Don't worry about them. They think that they're being progressive by acknowledging the existence of gay people. Right, right, because they don't say **** anymore. They just go, nah, it's a **** Moe.

What do you mean? Come on. Yeah. I've told you this before, but yeah, my uncle Ira, who wasn't my uncle, who was Ira, a Jewish, my Jewish uncle in my Italian family. I know when I was a kid, I didn't, I thought he maybe was our uncle somehow. Jews and Italians are very similar. Really close.

Really close. Same kind of, they like the same kind of jewelry. I just, I just thought maybe he was our uncle. I had no idea, but I didn't know he was gay until I went to his apartment for the first time. It was a bunch of tchotchkes. When I was 13, I – no, because it was – his apartment was phenomenal. It was stunning. It was beautiful.

And it was the 80s. So it was like the late 80s, early 90s, and it was like – A lot of glass. Beautiful glass, marble. Yeah. But he was one of these guys that when I was a kid, we'd go to other people's apartments, and apartments were just apartments. They were just an apartment and they,

maybe you would put art on the wall, maybe, but he was the first one where he like decorated an apartment, like made it his own. I had never seen that before. You know, as a kid, I'd only gone in apartments that were just like,

you know, us growing up and working class, Chicago didn't understand that people can decorate and care about their homes. You could decorate an apartment. I thought that was insane. I was like, you can only do that to a house.

You can't do that to an apartment. I thought decoration was like my nana's room. Can I show you my nana's room so you can describe it to people? Please. Because I just went and saw my grandparents the other day. You need to look at this place because there's no real way to describe that. Oh my god.

I could say, my first thought, funeral parlor. It looks like a funeral parlor. It's bright red carpet. We'll show a picture to the fans in the middle. Bright red carpet. Look at those vacuum lines. Dude, the vacuum lines, though, huge. In the Midwest, they care about lawn lines and vacuum lines.

That is a big deal. And these are beautiful. And I'm also happy that she's got an organized bin of books next to there. And the coffee table looks really nice. It's been the same book since 1972. The table has candy in it that been the same book since 1972 the coffee the table has candy in it that you can't touch

it's fake candy and then to the left you can't see is the table with chairs a plastic over it and then the china that you can't go to

and then a curtain covering a window I didn't know existed for 25 years god I love this so much and she's had this furniture since the beginning of time oh absolutely

and she got it reupholstered I'm like no one sat in it she gets away with everything because my grandpa's blind so she's like the couches need to be reupholstered. I'm like, no one sat in it. She gets away with everything because my grandpa's blind. So she's like, the couches need to be reupholstered. It does? Yeah. All right.

He went blind at five. What? Yeah. Five. Yeah, five years old. Got really sick and went blind, completely blind and became a judge. I'm sorry to laugh, but it is so funny that back in that generation, you could just go blind at five.

Oh, everyone was going blind. It happens all the time. Yeah. He's like, nah, he got the flu and he's blind now. They're like, nah, what are you gonna do? Well, his aunts, you know, they're all from Sicily,

so they tried, the doctor said it might be a blood clot in his eyes, so they tried making him lay on the table and putting steamed cabbage over his face and make him lay there for hours until the blood didn't unclot. Because, you know, Italian families,

we can't have a blind kid, right? Yeah. We'll throw him out. We'll throw him out. Yeah. And then his uncle said, well, you should just try eating bird seed. And he was like, why? And then he goes, you ever seen a blind bird before?

Oh, my God. That's like rabbits and carrots. You're like, well, you never seen a blind rabbit. You're like, well, I don't know their ailments. Eat bird seed. You know what that reminded me of when you said that the cabbage of, you know, whenever I had styes and my mom would be like, oh, get a teab a tea bag on your eye and i don't even know if that worked i've read online have you ever done this before no but heat helps heat compression so they say but let me tell

you something when i've not used a tea bag on my eye or heat compression and i have same time the stye goes away it's one of those like wives tales where're like, is this a thing or is it partly psychological and the placebo effect makes me go, oh, it's going to go away. I'll wash my face three more times. I think it's a combination of both. You think it's a twofer? Yeah. I think if you do something that mentally makes you feel better, then it's like...

Where are you staying? The addition in West Hollywood. Oh, sexy. It was funny because I stayed at the addition in Tampa because I was doing shows in Tampa and it's a nice hotel and I always stay there when I come here to LA. And the one in Tampa,

you know, you do two shows back to back, you're fucking exhausted and I lay down in the bed and it's like... But they have clubs. Yeah. And I call the front desk, I go, hey, I was like,

that's not like an old man, but I was like, hey, when is the music going to stop? She goes, oh, like around 2.30 in the morning. I go, I'm leaving at five. I was like, so you're telling me I'm only going to get like an hour and a half of sleep tonight.

She goes, well, I could talk to the manager. I said, that's not going to do anything. The manager is going to shut down the club because one is like, I can't sleep. I didn't say, but she was implied with my accent. And then she, you know, she was like, I'm so sorry. So then I woke, I was like, no, I'm like, it's not your fault, but I didn't say f***, but it was implied with my accent. And then she was like, I'm so sorry. And then I was like, no, it's not your fault, but I'm just letting you know I spent a ton of money to stay here because I thought it would be nice. And it's a horrible experience and I won't come back.

And I've never said that. I won't come back. That's such an old person thing to say. That's such an old white person thing to say. And you know what? We're not coming back. Right. And they're like, we don't care.

Yeah. We're all on coke. We're the coming back. Right. And they're like, we don't care. Yeah. We're all on Coke. We're the night shift. But I got the addition here and they were like, we've upgraded you to our largest room. I walk inside, there's champagne for me. Mateo, we're so sorry about what happened in Tampa. Here's a free spa day. But I just got Botox, so I can't do the spa.

But like, you know, whatever. And I was like, wow, okay, that's great. And I'm sleeping very comfortably. It helps to be famous. I'm definitely not famous, but I... That's famish. Famish. That's famish for sure if they pay attention. I like, it is kind of nice if they do something like that. That's nice. We travel

so much, it's nice to have... My business manager has stayed in the same hotel for 40 years, 30 some odd years since he's come out to LA. And they wouldn't do this for anybody else, but he's like a fixture of the business and they respect him and they love him and they keep a room for him because he travels here so much.

That's amazing. Yeah, so he has his own little room. And I thought that was like the sweetest, cutest thing because he's like, this is customer service at its finest. They've always been this way. And they kind of stood their ground and kept it that way when I'm sure new management came through and was like,

we're not giving that. That guy doesn't get to keep a room. But he puts it on retainer and he's here, you know, at least once a month. So it's like, he'll be back.

I mean, what are you going to do? I mean, look, me and Keith Robinson talk about this all the time. It's like, I do put,

I don't have, I mean, I have no kids. I don't have a husband. I live in a one bedroom in the village. Yet, it's all coming for you, baby. Sure, but I definitely don't want no kids. I don't have a husband. I live in a one-bedroom in the village. Yet, it's all coming for you, baby.

Sure, but I definitely don't want kids. No. But I do spend my money on nice hotels because it makes a world of difference if you're sleeping well and we have to perform for thousands of people. Yeah. If I'm sleeping comfortably in a bed, that show we did, by the way, in India,

can I just say, okay, we were both somehow booked at the same place. There were two theaters next to each other, right? Inside the same venue. There's one big room and it's two theaters inside the same place. So I'm doing theater on the left. You're doing theater on the right.

Yeah. The audiences could not be any more different. I mean, like me and Bobby's fans and your fans are probably not the exact same thing. Complete. There's crossover, but it's, no, none. Not one the exact same fans. Complete. There's crossover, but it's... No, none.

Not one. Not one. Not a single one. No, the gays like me. Mateo, tell me the gays like me. They love you. Great. But my show started at 7.30.

Yours started, I think, at 8.30 or something like that. 8.30 or 9, yeah. So I literally, I've never done this before, but it was such a cool fun like if I could see myself 13 years ago when I started stand up moment like how cool I finished this theater

show there's 2000 people I say thank you I walk downstairs I walk out I see you and Bobby and I walk on stage with you guys

yeah it was rad I was like this is so fun and your show is insane I could not believe what I was witnessing I was like this is is so fun. And your show is insane. I could not believe what I was witnessing. I was like, this is crazy.

It was, I had, it was truly a highlight of my year. We were so happy that you came out and did it. I was like, and we've had a few people drop in like guests that have come by when we, when we do the tour, cause people are in town or someone's like, I'll come over. And that was one of the first ones where it was just aligned perfectly. And it was so sweet and wonderful and a surprise for them because then they the fans know who you are too and they get excited and it's kind of cool to like watch these worlds converge and yes what 13 years ago nito and professor x hanging out

you're like why are you two together kind of kind of except um can't work comedians but that's what i mean like people see like i did this video with me and um sam morel right and we're just standing on stage chatting sam and i've known each other for 11 years we've been open mics all that stuff together you know so to us we're like we're just friends but everyone online was like i can't believe this pairing i can't believe these two are with each other on stage and i was like oh yeah it must look like maleficent's hanging out with miss piggy like where else would these two characters Who's who? I'm obviously Miss Piggy You took the bullet I want to be Maleficent

But Sam is a stoic tall figure And I'm more Kermie Who are you and I? What two characters that don't belong You and I are like if Jafar and someone from G.I. Joe

were hanging out. Okay, yeah, that's, I'll take that. Yeah, from, from Curious Joe.

It was like when cartoons collaborated when we were kids or like, I love that. when the dad from one show pops on to another show, you know,

I think in Family Matters, like, there was like, the dad from Fresh Prince came on. Oh, yeah, that's right you were like oh my god what are they doing

Urkel crossovers when he did crossovers that's so funny to me that we bit into it because we didn't care you suspended the disbelief because it was like who cares you love all these people anyway I like them the Friday night cross

TGIF and the crossovers man those were the days kids you're never going to get it ever again you're never going to get that kind of stuff the Friday night cross, TGIF and the crossover. TGIF. Man, those were the days. TGIF. Kids, you're never going to get it ever again. You're never going to get that kind of stuff. We were the last of the Saturday morning cartoons. Totally. TGIF. Remember the Thursday NBC lineup or whatever on Thursdays?

I loved it. Must see TV. Must see TV. You know, it was like Jerry Seinfeld's friends. Yeah, man. And rest in peace. I used to love Jerry Springer. I went to Jerry Springer on Senior Ditch Day

we went to Jerry Springer did you really I forget he filmed in Chicago I forgot about that we went to Senior Ditch Day we went to Jerry Springer and it was so God bless him

much fun that was probably one of the most fun stupid because you know you're in line and you know they tell you

you know what's coming up and all this stuff to prepare you for like what to do and you know we want a lot of oohs and ahhs and they're hyping you up and stuff. And we were stone drunk teenagers. And I was like, this is like the greatest play I've ever seen. It was a live play. It was actually

really wonderful for, for how confusing the time was when people were like, I can't remember my dad being like, it's trash. That's just trash. And as someone who was like obsessed with that world, I was like, Dad, it's all fake. It's fake. And my dad was like, hey, still. No, it is. It's so fake. It's casted.

My strongest member of that show was a woman. She came out. She had no teeth. And she said, I got rid of all my teeth so I could get my husband the greatest blowjob in the world. I'll never forget. That was like 13. I was screaming.

But I'm so impressionable. I'm like, is that what people do? Like, you just think it's normal. Like, did you ever watch Real Sex on HBO?

Oh, I love Real Sex. I mean, they were really picking some interesting characters. Like, most sex between

most people is pretty boring last 15 minutes and then you eat afterwards, right? But these people are like brushing their hair with cum. Like, it was like most people is pretty boring. Last 15 minutes and then you eat afterwards, right? Yeah. But these people are, like, brushing their hair with cum. Like, it was, like, weird shit was going on.

And I just thought that that's what happens. Like, you turn 21 or whatever and you were just, like, in sex clubs and this. Well, I guess. I was just going to say. I've actually never been to a sex party or an orgy. What? No. Let's go.

What are we doing? What are you doing in LA? If you went. Please. Let's go. What are we doing? What are you doing in LA? If you went, please, I'm playing Zelda at the edition calling Joe DeRosa being like, no,

you have to go into the underground world and follow the fire. That's what I'm doing. Imagine orgy rooms. It's like I'm going down a corridor of rooms and seeing what

everybody's up to and then in one room you're by yourself with a headset playing a video game with Joe DeRosa on the other side. Yeah. That's your orgy.

That's your preferred orgy night. It is. I went to a bathhouse once. My ex and I in Spain went to a bath. We thought that'd be kind of fun. Let's go fuck at a bathhouse or whatever. And we went. And really,

some can be really fun and hot. Like my friends go to bathhouses and they just have like the best time. The one we were at was very, it was like a haunted house. We just kept, it was not good. Why? It just wasn't what you expect. Yeah.

Well, like isn't everything what you're not, everything you get to is not what it seems. Nothing is what it seems. I've never been to Disney World, but I think that that's, it would be exactly what I expected. With a child. It's amazing. Right. But when adults go just alone, I'm always confused. would be exactly what I expected. With a child, it's amazing, right? But when adults go just alone, I'm always confused. I have a mustache. Yeah, you can't go. You should not go. Especially with the way that

you're gay, the way you walk, no chance. They'll figure you out real fast. They'll also sniff that I'm part Mexican and I'll be out. They're like, are you not on the job today? What's going on? If you're gay and you're at Disney World, you're either playing a prince or you're arrested. Or you're gonna go to're at Disney World, you're either playing a prince or you're arrested. Or you're going to go to Disney jail any minute now.

I've been, and I've been with the nieces, so I've been, and with kids, it's so amazing because you live inside of their brain. You're like, this is, to see what their faces look like, it's like the wonderment is unbelievable. It's so beautiful. So're like you you you get lost in it but i could never go to those things as a grown-up i knew grown-ups that like to go that's i don't like disney adults no it freaks me out it's disgusting well they're holding on to something and by the way some people's it's cars some people it's watches some people it's good meals like everyone has their little like thing that they really kind of love. And for them, it's fucking that Disney world. You know what Liza Minnelli said once, which is, I'm sure she's lying, just speaking of this.

Like, everyone has their thing. She goes, when I was younger, I had friends who collected stamps or cards. I collected lyrics. No, you didn't. What does that even mean. I collected lyrics. No, you didn't. What does that even mean? You collected lyrics. Stop it. What does that even mean?

It means nothing. It means she's trying to sound profound and she was probably high. That's the problem is people that, philosophers that got to spend their entire life, which was only 28 years, being philosophers,

they spent every waking minute trying to formulate deep thought to be introspective. And in this generation, we want to do it in like an hour. Less, 30 seconds. Well, yeah, so people want to just say a thing and they think, oh, this should live forever. But it's almost like, yeah, but we haven't invested any time in it. That whole like, what is it, 10,000 hours.

It's like you don't get good at anything until you invest all that time. I don't like the phrase because I think it's an innocuous number. It's like, shut the fuck up. Dave Chappelle was good when he was a child. Do you know what I mean? Like some people get it at different times. Some people find their thing at different times. But I will say the more we try to beat ourselves at the thing, the longer it takes.

So that's what it should be. It's like, don't try to get ahead of your, it's going to get there on its own. Like, you know, I said on the phone the other day to somebody, I hated the phrase when I was young, the money will come, just keep, the money will come. I used to hate it so much. It bothered me so much

while I'm on my fourth packet of ramen. I was like, you know, I was like, oh yeah, when is it coming then? Because, you know. It's similar to when people were like, love will happen when you least expect it. But then the same friends, put yourself out there. I don't know what else to do.

I might as well sit naked on a bench in Central Park. I mean, I was getting to that point. Which I have seen you do once or twice. Washington Square Park, actually. I've seen you out there meditating naked. There's a difference. It's a little classier in Central Park. Washington Square Park is like...

That's why I was concerned. I said, Mateo, you're like, I have a set in an hour. I'm just warming up. No, but I think it's one of those things where those phrases, it can be annoying, but a variation of them is still true. That yes, if you do something good and you work hard. You get to go to Paris on a private jet. That was the most insane two days of my life. Should we break that down?

It was crazy to think about. Okay, for everyone listening, we were, by the way, the girl who works at my gym, I was, you know, checking with her every day. She goes,

I have a question for you. I was like, what? She goes, were you in Kid Super's fashion show? And I go, I can't even believe that you knew.

Kid Super, who's like a, obviously a great designer. I'm literally about to go to bed. I'm like, my head is about to rest and my phone is blowing up and it's Mark. And I go, what?

You know, he's like, can you come to Paris tomorrow? Andrew Santino's going, Stavros is going, Theo Vaughn's going, can you go? And I was like, what? We'll pick you up in a private jet, da-da-da-da, this and that. Then I ran down to the cellar and saw you. You're like, yeah, you should fucking go.

And I'm like, okay, I'll go. So then I had my agent call them and the next day I down to the cellar and saw you you're like yeah you should fucking go and I'm like okay I'll go so then I had my agent call them and then next day I'm on the Puma jet with you Stavros and Theo eating a steak

on our way to Paris for men's fashion week for Louis Vuitton presenting Kid Super I'm like what the hell is going on yeah

what a good fun life sometimes my favorite is we're backstage comics are always comics comics and fashion those worlds do not mix no so we're backstage. Comics are always comics. Comics and fashion, those worlds do not mix. So we're backstage and there's

Vogue is running. Everyone's running around like a jewelry this and picture about you, me and Stavros dressed in these giant crazy outfits with purses. We're sitting there on our phones going should I do the McDonald's bit? It was. We were still us no matter what

because those things are fun, but they're not. We're visitors. I'm a visitor. Schultz was my favorite because we were, let's just say it was a little misguided in the lighting department

and direction department, right? So we're standing on stage. No, we're backstage and I can see on the screen it's terribly lit I mean awful yeah and I see Schultz just

like you know trying to compose himself and then he starts pacing and he goes I gotta say something Schultz walks out there yeah we're gonna move this light and get this light over here

in about in 10 minutes Schultz directs the entire show suddenly everything looks fantastic. And I go, I fucking love you, Andrew. Yeah, he's a little mastermind.

And see, I'm the opposite. I'm like, it's fine. We'll do it. You were like, where's the best place to get a croissant? I just wanted to enjoy it. I just don't want to make a stink. I'm always like, just leave it alone. It's fine.

No, it was, you know, Schultz handles it beautifully. But that was so fun that you, me, and Stavros. Amazing. And we're just like, that's why it's good to travel with you know Schultz handles it beautifully but that was so fun that you me and Stavros amazing and we're just like that's why it's good to travel with certain people like you guys because you're like

we're gonna go to this place I looked up it was like an authentic breakfast place that we can get in Paris it was so good oh it was so good

and the Eiffel Tower by the way I've said it all the time be a tourist it's so fun to be a tourist it is cool man it's so fun

because you're like yeah it's corny. I don't give a shit. I'm gonna die one day. And you don't want to be the guy that's like, yeah, I went there, but I didn't do the fucking thing. It's like, no, I did the thing. Do the thing, you dummy. It was cool. I was speaking French. I was, like, translating for her. I was so sexy, dude.

We need a table for foreign French. I do want to go to Italy with you once, just so I can hear you go to time. Where are you going this time? Going to Rome for a week, and then I'm going to Sicily. I'm going to see my family and then Giovanni, my friend Giovanni and I are going to go to the islands north of Milazzo, so like Volcano and Lipari

and we're going to do the whole thing. Island boy. Island boy. I love it down there, dude. Sicilia. Sicilia. Alright, Matteo, so I'm going to Sicily. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go. I have this Chris DeStefano was like, all right, Mateo, so I'm going to Sicily. I don't know what to do. I don't want to go.

I have this itinerary. And I was like, well, I was like, you know, you like history, so have you been to Agrigento? Because they have all these ancient Parthenons

older than the ones from Greece. They're Greek temples. No, but I need that fucking information. I'm like sending him everything. I'm sending him food racks. Then he's in Sicily. He's like, what do I do if I need, you know, I'm like, how everything I'm sending him food rec then he's in Sicily he's like

what do I do if I need you know how has he not already had a reality show about him and those kids and that family and that house

I have I can't even call him up E or one of these networks it's just like he lives the most funny chaotic all over the place

cause he's super successful as a comic he's doing Madison Square Garden theater and Radio City Hall in the same week. It's amazing, dude. Like,

like, I know. Well, he earned every second of it, so it's like, but, Oh, he's amazing. It's incredible. And then at home,

it's this hilarious Puerto Rican comedy. It's like a Puerto Rican telenovela. It's like this like, insane dramatic twist and turns. Oh, constantly.

He's used to it. I know. Well, he loves it. Don't get a talent. He's used to it. I know. Well, he loves it. Don't get me wrong. That's the funniest part about him is he'll say some shit to me and I'll be like, you like it. You love it. No, no, it's great. I mean, yeah, it's great.

He loves every second of it. I think some people thrive on that kind of stuff and they would be lost without it. I'm like, I thrive on like, I love living alone. Yeah. I love living alone yeah I love silence I love like I wake up an hour and a half early so I can make my coffee

and then sit in bed and enjoy my coffee now tell me would you ever move in with somebody or no do you not really pine for that it has to be like

a healthy relationship but beyond that I mean you do want that eventually oh yeah yeah oh yeah I would love that to like make dinners

the idea of a partner is really attractive to me. Like, with this guy, it's interesting because it's like, this is the first person that I've started seeing that I'm like, oh, I can also see myself as your friend. Oh, that's cool. Which I really didn't even think was an option. I was like, I think you're either dating or you have friends. Like, I never saw, like, I never understood couples that loved spending time with each other

because I was always fighting with my exes. And him I'm like wow we really are friends like we went karaoke with each other yeah we enjoy each other I'm like that's kind of crazy dude was there one thing that you guys had in common that you were surprised is there ever thing we both love singing yeah which is you know it's really I sing to Do you sing to each other? Not to each other. That's humiliating. But it's like, you know, I'm not that gay. But it is funny. Like we were, we like to sing karaoke in front of someone who can be so vulnerable, but it's not your friends. You know what I mean?

Like with a guy, I wouldn't want to do that because my internalized homophobe 13 year old self would think if you're singing, you're going to look like a complete don't do it. Like, you know, so in a way I'm not even being honest with myself or them, but with him, it was like, yeah, let's just go singing. And then we were singing Spanish songs together. There's a Spanish and Italian song called, the Italian version is called Vivo Per Lei. In Spanish, it's Vivo Por Ella.

So it's, you know, Vivo Per Lei, ma non lo sai, la prima volta quando. It's Andre Bocelli and Giorgia who do the Italian duet. So it's a duet. So we did it and he would sing his part in Spanish and I sang my part in Italian

that's so cute dude one time I got lit up at karaoke joint I pretended to sing in another language and I think people bought it

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at a karaoke joint. I pretended to sing in another language and I think people bought it. I swear to God. I think it's, if you can just pretend like you know

what you're doing at karaoke places, people are like, whoa. I went karaoke-ing with Larry Owens, Marie Fawcett, Amin Imani, and Sidney Washington and Alex English,

all hysterical comedians. Larry Owens is a legitimate Broadway television. His voice is unbelievable. We were singing, laughing so hard, but singing, and at one point, someone walked into our room and goes, I just want to let you guys know you sound amazing. And we were like, we know. It's called Larry Owens. Yeah, Larry Owens? How come I don't know Larry? I need to know you sound amazing. We were like, we know. It's called Larry Owens.

Yeah, Larry Owens? How come I don't know Larry? I need to know Larry Owens. A phenomenon. I don't even know how to describe his talent. But he's a comedian, but literally he's classically trained in singing. Yes, can sing his fucking face off. Larry O.

Larry O. Unbelievable talent. New York kid? Yeah, New Yorker. Wow. Larry Owens. You guys have way more talent than we do. He's an ABBA elementary.

He's a character in ABBA Elementary. What does he do? I don't know his character's name. I know if you look him up. I have to look up Larry Owens. I don't have a choice but to look him up right now. And his voice, and I'm a trained opera singer. Larry's voice is so powerful when you're singing next to him. You're like, oh my god. Yeah. Larry.

Love him. Gotta love me a Larry. And funny as fuck. By the way, the name Larry is great. You know why? It's so simple and fun. If you ever did have a kid, if you ever got a kid. What would I name them? What would you call it? Liza Minnelli.

Liza? Minnelli. Liza Minnelli. Is their first name. Liza Minnelli Lane? No, just Liza Minnelli. They go by one name, but it's their first name. Like Cher, it's one name, but I want Liza Minnelli.

I like that. I like that. I mean, if I named a kid, I could name it whatever I want. It's yours. I'd have a kid and teach them all the wrong colors. Just to challenge them. You're like, those are gray jeans. What if the kid's colorblind?

Then it wouldn't matter anyway. I'll find some way. You'll find a way to manipulate your children. I'm very good with like, once they're like six, then we're cool. Cause I can draw, place like video games, like action figures,

stuff like that. Like my nephews, um, I'm obsessed, I'm obsessed with my nephew, uh, Joey. He's four.

And my mom and I were, I was in Chicago. So we went to go pick him up from preschool to take him to his babysitter. So we pick him up from preschool. He gets in the car and first thing out of his mouth, he goes, a semi-circle is a straight line with a curve. Yeah. Like kids are kind of fun. He's not wrong. He's not wrong. I was like, that's kind of good. My niece is so cute. She's just running. Kids love running around naked. Yeah. But you know what I mean? He's not wrong. I was like, that's kind of good. My niece is so cute. She's just running. Kids love running around naked. Yeah, but you know what?

We want to too. I walk around my house naked. The only reason I don't is- I like underwear. I'm not a walk around naked guy. Are you a sleep naked guy? I sleep in my underwear. Ugh, why?

I don't like sleeping naked. What is it though, do you think? I think my balls like stick to the side of my leg. I want them perched away. Really? Yeah. I don't want like free hanging balls. I like it because it's easier to get in,

get into hookup mode too. Cause if I rub the sheets the right way. I could be in a 10 piece suit and it would be easy to hook up. I'm a homosexual. All right, dude. It's not that easy for us. Okay.

Evidently. So I think it's not, it's a nice, easy way to like, you know. I slept with Rodrigo naked. We slept together naked. Does he sleep naked all the time? He prefers to sleep naked, yeah.

Yeah, I like him a lot. Him and I should pair up. He's so hot. So hot naked, huh? Your balls stick to your leg at night? No, I guess if you get too warm, but I mean. Yeah, because I'm warm. I sleep warm.

You run hot. I run hot. Does he do the comforter? You do just the sheet? No, but I mean... Yeah, because I'm warm. I sleep warm. You run hot. I run hot. Does he do the comforter? You do just the sheet? No, but I always sleep with a comforter. You do? Yeah. I just like turn to like a little snuggle bug.

I'm always just a sheet. I've been a just a sheet for years. No, I want something heavy. Like I want like the heaviest thing, like hire an elephant to lay on me while I sleep. I want like something really heavy on top of me. Do you have a... Like I learned... I learned I grind my teeth,

so now I have a fucking mouth guard. Same, and I have to get, I have a mouth guard now. I'm getting Botox in my jaw. What? You can do that? Yeah. Instead of getting a mouth guard?

Well, I don't know about the mouth guard thing, but I hold a lot of tension in my, like here. God bless. And I don't know why I hold it in my jaw, and it's affecting my neck, so my doctor literally, in my fucking jaw muscle, put Botox, and it immediately was relieved. Really?

Maybe I should try that. I'd like that. Because honestly, I grind my teeth, and they told me that. They laughed at me. The dentist, the way that she's, dude, I love her because she's mean, but she's like such a dick. All dentists kind of are. She was just like, she's like, this will be bad just like this will be bad this will be very bad down the road and I was like well what can I do

and she's like damage done you know you already messed it up and I was like oh that's not the right answer yeah I was like well what do I and she's like the mouth guard maybe help a little for a grind but you know but I will tell you it will cause that yeah yeah it

would you still would die so I'll die anyway don't forget soccer and toothbrush on the way out she's Russian she's she's from a nondescript she won't really talk about where she's from I think she's like spy it's kind of like in those like Netflix Christmas movies where it's like who do via like she's from some country there she is from you you you gunamia and she doesn't talk about it. Cause I think I've asked her and I was like, where are you from? And she's like,

my family is from the war. Yeah. Yeah. The war. Yeah. Which war? All of them really. It was the one.

The one who carried over into all of the war. It was them. She's Middle Eastern, but she doesn't talk about it. She's Middle Eastern. I was envisioning like a, uh, but she doesn't talk about it at all. Oh, she's Middle Eastern. I was envisioning like Polish, Russian, Ukrainian. No, but you can't really tell. She's like pretty and evasive.

She hides her face all the time. She's a spy, dude. She's slowly drugging me and killing me. She's a spy working with a dentist? Well, it's smart, right? Everyone talks to the dentist. A little bit of laughing gas, dude. Well, tell them to throw some Botox in your jaw. I know, I might.

I probably need it. I need all sorts of fixings. But what I do, I felt it the other day for the first time in a long time. I went to the jism and I was in the gym and I went home

and I was like, I'm feeling it like I haven't ever felt it. My body is just different now. But you're also, can I just say, you run yourself into the ground. Yeah.

And your body can't perform anything or do anything well unless it's rested. And you do, you're on the road, you're on a bus, you're doing hundreds of shows, you're not sleeping well. No. And it's like, then you try and go to the gym and catch up. It's like, well, yeah, your body's like, no, no. We need three days full of rest before we can approach the gym. I just don't know how to do that. Today was like one of the first days that I've been able to like sleep in a little bit. And I just don't know how to do that. Today was like one of the first days

that I've been able to like sleep in a little bit and I just don't know how to do it. I don't either. The days that I do have off, I sit at home and think the world's going to end. I'm like, I am bored out of my mind. And then the days I'm like overwhelmed, I'm like, God, I can't wait to get home

and just play Fortnite. And just hide in your little comfy couch. Yeah. Do you do weighted blanket, by the way, when you said something heavy? I you do weighted blanket by the way? I had a weighted blanket I swear to you it was like 80 pounds I have no idea how heavy it was but you would go to bed and you were like

I would just be caught dead this can kill you I'm like I'll take it so I couldn't even get it up the stairs I live on a 6th floor walk up not worth it I've never had that but but my sister loves them. My family,

my family members that love them. I can't feel constricted at night. I feel like, I'm like, I'm like BDSM. I want like, like to be strapped the fuck down. Have you ever been strapped in by the way?

No, I tried once my ex and we laughed too hard. When he put you in the harness, you're like, this is funny, man. The harness is, I think more for,

well, not always, but that's a little harness is I think more for well not always but that's a little more I think for like fisting or something sure not always obviously but I mean

it seems like that yeah just like he tied me tried tying me to the bed oh tied to the bed thing it was never gonna work the idea of that is fun

but obviously that's silly it's just a silly why but that's the best is like if you're laughing with someone you're having sex with yeah that's fun there really is some that's fun but my bed doesn't silly idea. But that's the best is like if you're laughing with someone you're having sex with. Yeah, that's fun. There really is some.

That's fun. But my bed doesn't have posts. So it's like, where am I tying it to? You don't have like a modern. And also like, stop it. Yeah, cut it out. I know. I've seen you brush your teeth.

You can't tie me to the bed. I've seen you floss. You can't tie me to the bed, pal. Right. I've seen you lay out the Dixie cup for yourself the next morning. We're not. I'm not going to take this seriously. I know how particular lay out the Dixie cup for yourself the next morning. We're not, I'm not going to take this seriously. I know how particular,

you wash the dishes before you put them in the dishwasher. You're not going to tie me to the bed like you're this loose, wild person. That is true.

You know what, tie me to the bed and vacuum there. Right, right. Well, you're just a four horseman there all spread out like, ooh, you're like

under the rug. You have to go under that rug. You know that. I would 100% do that. That is funnier to me. I think the whole, that whole world of like,

Tim, I thought about this this morning. No shit. That the fantasies of sex and the fantasies we want from sex, whether we've contrived them ourselves or we've seen it in a, you know,

in a video or something, they're never, it's never real. It's never going to be real. You make your own little version of the fantasy. Yeah. When you try to duplicate things, it's only foolish. It's almost like.

Well, yeah, you don't want to reenact anything. Well, it's never going to work. Then you're just a person in Central Park with a lightsaber of 20 other people teaching him how to be a Jedi, which I saw once and I was really jealous. Which we're still doing Tuesday nights, by the way. You know, 7.30 is when we start, so please be there. I was in Washington Square Park and I saw that my instinct, because I'm insecure, was going to want to scream at all of them.

And then after watching them for two minutes, I was like, this looks like so much fun. Yeah. And I love everyone in that group and I'm a monster. Like, I'm a complete monster. But, no, I've had some great sex. Yeah. But it's not because it's based on sex. Yeah, but it's not because

it's based on something. You've done it all on your own. Well, now we're just talking about my career. I mean, it's like,

I had no help from the industry. It was all, they all said no. Andrew Schultz taught me how to do anal. He did. He is one of the best

in New York. He's like, no, dude, you gotta fucking hold it open like that. Then you rip it. Beautiful man. His hair is unbelievable, isn't it? He's a stunning, he dude, you got to fucking hold it open like that. Then you rip it. Beautiful man.

His hair is unbelievable, isn't it? He's a stunning little boy. I got my hair transplants. They all grew in like a chia pet. It's beautiful. But, you know, it's still like I don't have great texture hair. So it's always a gamble every morning. Yeah, but I mean, you've always looked so handsome.

I look at you now. I feel like you're winning you're winning heavily classic surgery so what who gives a shit by the way

I do think I've always said that the only thing I'm against in that world is when people keep going it's almost like know your limits

it's like gambling you know well it's like knowing when to get off stage yeah it's like dude stop running the light with your face stop pumping shit in your face what, dude, stop running the light with your face.

Stop pumping shit in your face. What are the comics that run the light? I'm not talking about like, you know, like at a bar show. I mean, like if you're at the... By the way, I got passed at the store. They're writing my name on the wall. Yeah, they should. You deserve it.

Are you fucking kidding me? We need more New York people. But I've never performed there. Yeah, because they know that you've established and they want you to perform when you do come into town. She asked me. She was very sweet. Are you coming tonight?

No, I'm going to dinner with Fortune. i need to catch up with my lesbians and then go to bed no i'm tired you're like me when i go to new york and they're always like what are you doing on the spot it's like well i also have um a million because i told esty because i'm i'm working on my new hour right so i'm releasing this special and i have my hour new hour in place but it's's about the nitpick and get it really into a place where you're really happy with it. So I told Esty at the Cellar, who she books at the Comedy Cellar, I said, Esty, and it's cool that I'm in this position now that I can ask this, but I said, give me every spot

you have available. I have seven shows on Sunday. No thanks. That's absurd. You're crazy. But you know what? I honestly, when you're in New York and you live there and it's like, I have nothing else to do, but

it is so much fun. Yeah, it's nice. So what? You fly home Sunday morning and you go right to doing shows? Saturday morning. So I'll play Fortnite and go to bed, wake up the next morning and start my day. But I have a lot of stuff. If I didn't have anything to work on, it's just excess. I don't need to be doing all this.

But the fact that I have so many specific things I need to work on it's just excess I don't need to be doing all this but like the fact that I'm like I have so many specific things I need to work on I'm like well to iron out a new hour I've only got a half an hour of what I'm working on now or well yeah 35 40 minutes maybe at the most 40 is good enough nah it's heavy-handed though there's stuff that I definitely want to slice out I keep going back and forth but it's it's it's such a weird grueling process and I imagine this is like this in any sort of art form that you know it's it's it's such a weird grueling process and i imagine this is like this in any sort of art form that you know it's it's just tough and you're your own in your own head so i'm trying to get out of my own way like last night a couple of times i got out of my own way

where i didn't like the way i thought about the joke and then i was like oh just say it they think it's funny because sometimes i'll say something i'll go I don't like that but they like it and it's like well no it's I have to like it I do have to like it but I like that they like it too

if it's something that I go it's not my favorite tag but they still like it so who cares I'm kind of like whatever it's fun it's so strange

how audiences it's like it's a strange like social experiment like somehow they all they don't know each other, they never spoke to each other, but they all get on the same page. They all agree and disagree to the same things.

And it's like, how? There's a vibration. There's got to be some sort of scientific explanation to it, but there's room sometimes that I'm in. It means we're all connected in a way that we're not totally aware of. We absolutely are. And how environment means everything. Like in the same way when you're not totally aware of. We absolutely are. And how environment means everything. Like in the same way when you take drugs or psychedelics.

Yes, I know about that. Liza, when you take drugs, like when you take, you've taken mushrooms, right? No, for the first time I'm going to take them with friends in Central Park June 1st. Do you have them? No, what do you mean? Do I have them?

Do you have the mushrooms? No. Or you're getting them with people? She has them. I have them here. I can give you microdose, by the way, if you want to start microdosing. I don't. That doesn't.

I'm not interested by drugs. I also already have six. These aren't drugs. This is, you know what? Because the word drugs is heavy handed. It is a very like dare program word, but I'm just not interested in any of it. In opening yourself up? Would you ever do ayahuasca?

Never. Why? I couldn't because. Don't you want to see what's down inside of there? I've seen it and opening yourself up would you ever do ayahuasca never i couldn't because don't you want to see what's down inside of there i've seen it and so is my boyfriend um no you know i have synesthesia these are dad issues and you're like yes that's why i keep saying you're synesthetic yes whoa so i'm already living in the abstract my mind is already constantly seeing color so it's like i don't know that i need that extra like, sort of like.

What color am I? Well, your name is yellow because A is yellow. So it starts yellow. Andrew's yellow. Well, it's bright yellow that fades. But the letter A, and my name is always the color of the first letter. So my name is red.

Even though A is yellow, it's a bright red to a yellow, dark, dark, then green, then white. But if I looked at it from a distance, it's a bright red to a yellow, dark dark, then green, then white. But if I looked at it from a distance, it's just red. I'm a bright yellow that fades. Yeah, and yellow, A is the brightest. A and Y are the brightest. And I think P.

What's P? it's like orange but it's not as bright as the A so Matteo is red all the way through? well it just looks red because M is red and N is purple

I don't know why E is the only green I see E is the only green I see why E is the only green I see E is the only green I see and 3 is the only green I see the numbers too you get the numbers with the colors my lucky number is 33

is that just big green green green it's all the way green it's like a beautiful what are we talking forest green no like an emerald green but I

you know 0 is 0 is almost white 1 is white 2 is red 3 is green 4 is yellow 5 is so dark blue it's almost white one is white, two is red, three is green four is yellow, five is so dark blue it's almost black

six is like an orangey brown almost like the color of that wood seven is purple, dark purple eight is black I guess it's blue but it's black and then nine is like a deep orange and then ten starts gray and between

ten and fifteen are very dark. I don't know why. God, this is so fascinating. Does this, I sound insane. Yes. But now you see why I'm like, I don't need to do shrooms. I'm already like, if I read a book or if I'm listening to music, I'm just seeing color.

Yeah, but how wonderful is that? Well, I bet you I wouldn't know the extent of it. If someone took it away from me, I bet you then I would be like, oh, my God, I really like live in like some weird third dimension. To be able to communicate it is very impressive, too, because a lot of people can't do that. I thought it was my whole life. I thought it was normal until I was like 17 or something. And I said one day I was because I was listening to music and I said you guys I said was at lunch. I never forget.

I said, you guys know when you listen to music and it'll show color sometime? And everyone stared at me like I was crazy. And I was like, oh my God, my friend Ernest, if Ernest, if you're still listening, he was like, oh, that's called synesthesia. I was like, what's that? And then I did this synesthesia test.

They were looking for people you submit online and then they send you a test and they ask you every letter and number and they're going to ask it three times but randomly with a whole color wheel from every shade. So it would just be like four and then I would just look at the color wheel and click

yellow and it would be like E and I would click green. So eventually I'd get asked E three times. You're there for like 20 minutes. I got a 99.9%. Holy shit. Because they want to make sure you're not just having a good memory and making stuff up.

Right. Like, yellow is fucking F. I've only met one other person, my friend Frank. He went by Aaron at the time, but we would say... Aaron to Frank,

big jump. I like Frank better. Yeah, but it's not Richard to Rick or something. That's Frank to Aaron and they're nowhere near each other. Well,

he transitioned. Oh. Yeah, yeah. Dude, talk about fucking burying the lead. Sorry, I should have said that. Yeah, Yeah but it's not Richard to Rick or something That's Frank to Aaron They're nowhere near each other Well he transitioned Oh Yeah yeah Dude Talk about fucking burying the lead Sorry I should have said that Yeah you just said it It was like yeah we call this guy something else now He transitioned

Well I was gonna say because That would have helped Because him and I would always sit And it was interesting because him and I And we're still friends We were both artistically talented Musically inclined Good with language like we approached

art the same way it was interesting how many parallels we had in the way we like expressed ourselves yeah and then we would argue over colors because we see different colors right because it's not it's not uniform it's everyone has a different version of it different like he'd be like four is red i'm like absolutely, absolutely not. How could it be red? Four is yellow, two is red. How dare you? Like this sort of crazy, ridiculous conversation. It's like an SNL skit.

It's like, watch two gay guys fight over what color is what number on this week's Synesthetic Psychopaths. You guys just arguing would be a great show over why it is that way. Because there is some psychological depth to that that only you can understand. Yeah, I don't know why. I have no clue. Well, it's the way the brain, it's the way that you're, you've researched why.

Well, it's your brain, your senses split. They're all one and they split as your brain develops as a fetus. But synesthetes, whatever they're called, some of them don't split. So they have this, like, unprovoked response to things. So, you know, as a kid, I just remember, like, yeah, June is yellow.

Like, so you actually have, like, you must have unlucky letters or numbers. Like, something must feel equal. No. Some people have it where, like, numbers have personalities. I do not have that. Mine is just simply just color. So I have no... I mean, there's certain colors I don't like.

What? 76 is ugly. Why? It just is. What color is that? 24 is beautiful. It's almost like a magenta red with yellow. It's pretty.

I like the colors next to it so I can see it in its lineup. I like the way it looks. It blends well with the background. Everything about it is pretty. What does 76 look like? It's like purpley black but like browny on the left side. It's not good.

It's not. We did mushrooms before doing this show. It sounds like I did do mushrooms. Can you imagine me on Shrooms tonight? Honestly, I'd love to trip with you. Am I boring your audience? I feel like I'm being a terrible guest right now. No, you're being a good guest. Let's get into something good. Remember that time you got in that crazy fish fight

in downtown Chicago? Never. I'm so gay. I could imagine getting in front of Timothy O'Toole fighting someone. Me and Danny Callis getting into it. Slap fighting each other. You know I do a perfect Danny Callis impression.

Let me hear it. I'm a tale. The first thing he said to me. Wow, that is right off the bat. Uncanny. Danny, if you're listening, I love Danny Callis. Danny Callis. I remember when I was starting comedy, I was doing all these open mics and Danny, you know,

Danny's like a god. And so we were at the same open mic and I did this joke about the Metro, which every time I go to Chicago, I do this joke because I'm, the Metra, I used to be on the Metra Northwest Union Pacific line and they had all the stops that the computer would say, except one of the stops, they can't say Des Plaines so they left a second gap for the conductor

to jump in and say Des Plaines so every time you're on the train it's like, this is Metra, Northwest Union Pacific with intermediate stops at Clybourne, Irving Park, Jefferson Park, Norwood Park Des Plaines, Cumberland, Mount Prospect. I did that joke and Danny came up to me. I mean, it might have been like, you know, fucking like Letterman or something. And he was like, Mateo, that fucking Metro joke's really funny.

You don't have to do the whole gay thing with it. You just talk about jokes. You don't have to do the gay gay thing with it. You just talk about jokes. You don't have to do the gay thing. That's what he said to me. The gay thing? It's really funny. Well, why are you going to talk about being fucking gay? Go be a conductor. What are you fucking

doing? Rose, Rose, Rose. I hear this joke about some baseball player or something. P. Rose? Yeah, basketball player. No Rose? Yeah, basketball player. No, he's a baseball player. Pete Rose. I know. Rose, Rose, Rose. I like how disconnected

you are from sports. I like that a lot. Not a clue what's going on. I do like it, but there's got to be times when you're like, it does look fun to get involved in it.

No? To be a fan? You never want to go to a game? No. You would never want to go watch? My Uncle Mike, who I love dearly, would take us to the White Sox games when we were kids because we were Sox fans. So I was at Comiskey Park and then whenever it was like US Cellular or whatever the fuck. The Cell, yeah. I don't know what it's called now.

The McDonald's. But you know, I would like the part of sitting next to gossiping with my Aunt Cindy. That's kind of what it is though. My Aunt Cindy looked like one of the players. I forget his name. I should call her. My Aunt Cindy's... Tim Raines or something like that?

No, no, no. Someone Latin because my Aunt Cindy with her... My mom's Italian and Mexican, but my Aunt Cindy really looks Mexican. So there was a player.

I think he was... He might have been Cuban or something. And he looked just like her. Same square head. And so every time he came on, we were like, Aunt Cindy, it's you! She would laugh hysterically. Same square head. And so every time he came on, we were like, it's Cindy,

it's you. She would laugh hysterically. Same square head. Yeah, she does. My instant, she was like, my head's like a Lego.

Blocky head. A block head, yeah. I just think it's funny that you, like, because the way that you're obsessed with, like, fantasy shit is the way that I love sports.

So I see the way you like that stuff is the way that I like. Well, I'm like, you know, I don't watch Drag Race as much as I used to. Come on. I mean, I'm tired. I've put in my due diligence.

What is it, 12 seasons? No, it's like 16. Oh, God. They've gone for it. But I mean, it's a fantastic show. And that to me really was for a while. If you watch, you would actually really enjoy it.

If you went on a Friday night. I've seen Drag Race. I've seen. No, but in a gay bar with gay men watching it's like a sports game seen it you have been there dude so it's like a sports game a little bit screaming and yelling and I mean a big party it's just a fucking fun party I told you like and I'm listening and watching I've told you about Plaza right no no really the Plaza in New York's a Mexican drag bar out here. It's the best. They only sing in Spanish.

Drew Tarver brought me years ago. Did they do Selena and Paquita? Yeah, dude, it's the best. And you can haggle for the drink prices because they're all watered down drinks. It's amazing. Yeah, they tell you one thing and you're like, no, no, no, no.

He's like, no, no, Cinco Cinco. You're like, no, no, no. Because it's all bullshit. You can tell they pour water into everything. There's no booze. You can taste. They pour you a drink and you're like, this is mixer.

The whole thing is mixer I just went to Mexico City for the first time have you been? it's beautiful man it was so beautiful I love it down there and the food is truly

I mean Italy and Mexico are the best food in the world Mexico City too is underrated people don't understand when people hear Mexico they think of one very like stereotypical version in their mind

you know what I mean usually it's like a resort town or something like that like Tulum and Cancun yeah that's what I mean they think of Puerto Vallarta but they don't Mexico City is so different than what people think it's so interesting resort town or something like that. Like Tulum and Cancun. Yeah, that's what I mean. They think about Puerto Vallarta but they don't.

Mexico City is so different than what people think. It's so interesting. I mean, I really... Did you go there for a gig? Were you gigging down there? I've seen my guy. Oh. He lives there.

Wait, he does? Mm-hmm. Wait, so how often do you see each other? Well, he's coming to Rome with me. Yeah, but I mean, he doesn't... How often is he in New York?

Well, this is all sort of like a couple months in. This is new. Yeah, we're figuring it out. Would you ever be like, come to New York? Well, this is all sort of like a couple months in. This is new. Yeah, we're figuring it out. Would you ever be like, come to New York, come live with me? Once we're established. Yeah, I mean saying, if it ever got that way, would you want that?

Yeah. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What does he do? I shouldn't even ask this. A dancer. Really good dancer. He does all these like fitness.

He's like health, very health. Like a trainer? Dancer trainer? Yeah, but classes and mental health, all this stuff. He's very... I could use it. I could use it. I see those people on the Peloton thing.

I've tried those before at the gym. I can't get into classes at the gym. I don't mind this version because I'm not really there. You know what I mean? I don't have some dickhead staring at me. I did a bunch of HIIT training classes when I was in Australia

because I had a gym in the hotel and it was, My trainer's Australian. They're, they're gay in Australia. He looks like a really scary guy with like, you know,

a beard and like a backwards hat, but he's very gay and Australian and I just love when people sound different than they act. They sound so cool. I'm like, so Damon, how was your weekend?

I think my dog is sick and I'm really upset about it. He's fucking jacked. Jacked. He's never looked, he looks so cool. I'm like, so Damon, how was your weekend? I think my dog is sick and I'm really upset about it. He's fucking jacked. Jacked. He's never looked, he looks so hot. I loved it down there and I,

I for the first time did a bunch of HIIT classes and I was like, I don't want to do this, I don't like classes, but there was no gym, no gym. The gym in the hotel was,

it was literally less than half the size of this room. They had like two machines. What am I going to do when I go to Australia? I'll be in Sydney, Sydney and Melbourne. Melbourne is the place, by the way They had like two machines. What am I going to do when I go to Australia? I'll be in Sydney. Sydney and Melbourne. Melbourne is the place by the way.

Melbourne's the place. I have so much to give to you. Big theater. Melbourne's the place. You're going to love it so much. It's my favorite. I could go back a thousand times. Yeah, I hear it's amazing.

I'm flying. I'm going to come to I'm doing the smart thing. I'm flying from New York to LA staying in LA for a couple days. Then doing it. Doing a show at

I think the Irving Improv Irvine to pay for my first class and then I'm flying to Australia

so I'll have the first class tickets are expensive I know I just paid for it like 18 grand or something like that no not that high yeah two way

you're right it'll probably end up around yeah it's like nine away I think ten total probably oh yikes no but you're right it'll probably end up around yeah it's like nine away I think ten total probably oh yikes no but you're gonna love it

I have so many suggestions to give to you and you gotta eat kangaroo try it that doesn't that's you have to try it you know what the problem is

what hops off your plate dad I know I learned that joke from David Letterman when he was interviewing Nicole Kidman

he was like do you eat kangaroos she's like oh yeah they do some people serve it I don't have any he goes you know what the problem is what hops off your plate

she goes die no it does it's actually really good I liked it a lot Joey they eat horse in Italy sure why not whatever

we're judgy in this country only because we can be yeah that's why it's fun yeah I know but if they we wouldn't know any different. You know what my favorite joke of Kathy Griffin's is? She's like, I never understood on the real world. She's like, people think I want to confront these celebrities. I do not want to confront these celebrities.

And I never understood it in the real world or like road rules. Like, if you got something you want to say to me, you should say it to my face. She's like, I'd rather wait till you left the room. I can be much funnier that way. Also, it's more freeing. That's it. By the way, that phrase and I didn't come here to make friends. I came here to win.

That's like embedded in the zeitgeist of MTV. You came here for, shut up. I didn't come here to make friends. I just wanted to be on national television in front of millions of people. Right. Yeah, no, you wanted friends. You wanted a lot of friends. You wanted all the friends in the world.

Speaking of friends, you are one of my favorite friends. I love that. I really mean it. We connected immediately. When we met each other. I was like, I love you. It was immediate. I know.

And I hope it lasts for the rest of the time until you get too big and you don't pick up my calls. Shut up. I get it. Invite me to a bathhouse if you haven't watched Mateo's special please please please watch it

hair plugs and heartache on the YouTube Mateo and comedy on the YouTube it drops on June 11th so if you have not seen it please give it a gander

it means a lot to us and push it around to everybody that you can push it around to. Where'd you shoot it? At the Cellar. Oh, you did? Mm-hmm.

Lovely. Yeah, yeah. You're going to be on tour, I'm sure, at some point. September. So go see him in September in the fall. Go check out his special. Go promote it. Tell everybody about it.

Mateo, we end the episode the same way. Look in that camera. Say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, you little prince, give it to me. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.