Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Melissa Villaseñor

Episode Date: July 26, 2019

Santino sits down with Melissa Villasenor to chat about the power going out at her most recent show, rewriting Disney songs, SNL and her cool ass brother Andrew. SEE ME LIVE!!! ST. LOUIS, MO AUG 1-3 TICKETS AT http://www.andrewsantino.com FOLLOW ME ON INSTA https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ FOLLOW WHISKEY GINGER PODCAST ON INSTA https://instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast?igshid=mztm4g3wy0gq FOLLOW MELISSA ON INSTA: https://www.instagram.com/melissavcomedy/?hl=en Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean it once again. Today, it's Melissa Villasenor! Yeah! How fun. It's Melissa Villasenor! Wow. Were you ever in choir as a kid?

Nope. My voice isn't good enough to do anything like that. I was just singing yesterday how I miss, the one thing I do miss from high school is choir. Were you really, were you, what is it? I was in chamber singers. Ooh. You had to audition again in this choir group.

Oh, excuse me. We sang in the churches. You sang in churches? Yeah. You weren't religious though as a kid, were you? I think I tried to be a little bit. Yeah? Then I failed.

Yeah. Wait, what were your parents? Were your parents... Oh, yeah, we're Catholic, all right. Catholic. Aren't you? Were you raised? I was Catholic for a short period of my life as a kid.

And then my mom got divorced and they were like, you gotta get out of the church. Right. They kick you out. They kick you out. They kick you out. And they kick you out the back door, which is a little rude.

They don't want you coming in the front door. Right. They say, you know, you can come in the front door once you get married, you get a divorce. Out the back, pal. We don't want anybody to see you.

Yeah. So yeah, no, we were, I was raised Catholic though. Yeah. But I never did like altar yeah but i never did like altar boy i never did like um i mean i didn't well yeah good for me all right good for me you know wink wink wink wink wink uh no i didn't do any of that stuff but i was raised catholic my parents were then became something else called presbyterian you ever heard of that

yeah presbyterian is like um it's like catholic's bad bad boy cousin you know he gets in some trouble and we're okay with it oh yeah yeah i mean like yeah yeah you don't still do it now you're not you don't go to church or anything now do you no but i i'll have met still some of my favorite prayers can you give me me one? What's your favorite prayer? I mean, the serenity prayer is a classic. Give it to me. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

Addicts use that a lot. It's a lot longer. Yes, they do. Yeah. You know why? Why? I don't know. I have no idea. Oh.

I have no idea. But they do say that God grant me the serenity. Yes. Serenity now. What does serenity mean? Do you know what the word serenity means? I guess guidance from the universe and Lord to bring peace. Let me look it up.

Let's look it up. Isn't that funny? It's a word that I know what it means, but you don't know what it means. Right. Peace? Peace, maybe. Serenity. The definition of serenity.

Maybe peace from God. Guidance. God peace. Serenity definition. Let's just check this out. Let's see what it means. People at home are like, how do they not know? The state of being calm, peaceful, and untroubled.

Calmness, calm, composure, tranquility, peacefulness, peace of mind, peace, peaceableness. Peaceableness. Peaceableness. Peaceableness? That's not a word. Yeah, peaceableness. Peaceableness. Oh, it's Spanish. Peaceableness. Look what that says.

Wait, wait. Peaceableness. Peaceableness. That's too tough for the teeth. Peaceableness. My brother Andrew and I sometimes wear mumblers same name by the way oh i'm an andrew as well you know what andrews are cool cool cats i will have don't you agree yeah most andrews i meet are pretty cool i feel like they all have this cool just chill vibe about him i don't know what yeah i guess me and andrew are pretty chill there's a few andrews

i know that are very cool now that i'm thinking about it right is there any andrew i meet yeah there's well my brother andrew he has this kind of this okay this that's his vibe all his whole life and then there's a andrew at snl writes and he's a comic but he has a he's just a kid who writes really hilarious stuff and he's so what's his what's his last name um dismukes dismukes andrew dismukes andrew dismukes yeah he's awesome that's a cool name dismukes yeah what is that well i wonder dismukes where that comes from maybe he made it up what if he hated his last name he just made it up his real his real last name his real last name was andrew butthead and he was like i can't

it's got to be something dismukes it sounds like royalty mr and mrs dismukes you were telling me when we had a little snack this morning that you were in tempe tempe arizona yeah tell everybody what happened because i thought that was incredible so i was headlining tempe improv in arizona uh friday through sunday and the sunday show power went out i don't know if this was all the tempeh but look like most of it was yep and that means microphone out lights ac so it was dark and i and so oh and then by the way some guy in the crowd is like you don't need to use the microphone anymore. And I was like, oh.

And it got a huge laugh and I did get jealous. Wait, he said that? You don't, he yelled it out? Yeah. But you were just holding the microphone?

Yeah. Because it's just kind of comfortable, it's comfortable. Yeah, my brain was still in a, like, oh,

is this really happening? Maybe it'll come on. The power did not come back on. The whole show? Yeah, it was kind of the beginning of my set. So I continued, I think I maybe did a half hour left back on the whole show yeah it was kind of the beginning of my set so i continued i think i

maybe done did a half hour left and in with no microphone or lights and then the crowd brought up their phones put the flashlight on and it was all these little lights it was beautiful it like a loom it loom it illuminated the whole room you saw saw the photos. Incredible. And I was sharing with Andrew that during the day, I went to the art museum in Arizona, and they had a lot of artists work like, I want to say her name. It is Kusama. Kusama.

She does the infinity, right? The dots. But this exhibit they had was the fireflies one where it's a room of darkness and it's infinity uh the infinity room of fireflies or something like that and it's just mirrors and mirrors in the dark and there's a bunch of little hanging lights and so i kind of felt like maybe i summoned it you did yeah kusama is the name by the way i just looked at that you summoned kusama i summoned her how do you feel how do you feel that you did that pretty powerful because i was staying in that room that firefly

room a while grant left he went wandered around so i was just i took it in and i was just standing there smiling like this that feels nice it feels really good kind of felt like i was all the little pieces in there you were all the little pieces i really like that you put it out to the universe yeah and it happened yeah you told me that you put it out to the universe yeah and it happened yeah you told me that you said this morning at breakfast what else did you put out the universe and it literally happened you said it out loud it happened yeah what was it what was the other meetings in cars yeah you and jerry seinfeld yeah you just said i want to do it i just thought like i love like hanging out comics having coffee, and laughing at any time, even at night after spots.

That's the best thing ever, making fun of each other. And I said, I want to be on Comedians in Cars. I could see myself in the car having fun with Jerry. And then that happened. I could see myself having fun with Jerry. And it worked. And they called you up. He called me.

I still saved his voice message. He goes, hey, Melissa, it's Jerry. Oh, I want to hear that so bad. Hey, it's Jerry. I felt so bad because I thought he was going to call me later, but it was East Coast time. I don't know what happened. So I didn't get home until a couple hours later.

He left a voicemail. But you know what? I saved that voicemail. You saved it. Well, you say a couple hours you didn't get home like it was a house phone. He just left a voicemail on your cell phone. Well, the thing is I've been in a habit of leaving my phone at my house. On purpose?

On purpose. Oh. Yeah. I've been getting addicted to leaving my phone around. So it's not even a cell phone anymore at all? It's not really a mobile phone? No, it's a landline. It's a house phone.

You bought a house phone from me. You bought an iPhone house phone. This is your house phone. And you just hang it up and leave it there. Yeah, because that... You know, it's just better. Yeah? It's better without it.

What do you think it makes you... It takes you away from the bullshit? It takes me away from the... Oh, I could curse. You can say whatever you want on this thing. Great. Fuck. No, Melissa, we can't say the F word.

This is... Oh, my gosh. Oh, fuck. No, again. You can't keep doing that. Yeah, you can speak how you feel. Oh, fuck. No, again. You can't keep doing that. Yeah, you can speak how you feel. Okay, great.

I don't know why I feel always like I can't curse. Well, you're on a television show where you definitely can't curse. Right. But also my raised upbringing was... Don't curse. Don't you dare say that. You have to hit yourself every time you cuss? No, no. You get spanked. Would you get spanked? Oh, weanked all right we were a family of spanks i never got i that that's too painful

my my parents never spanked us but they did punch us in the face as hard as they could they would just get over here you little fucking shit did you get ever hit on the head no no never had Like a head crack? Ooh, I would get head cracks. And they hurt very much. For real? Mm-hmm. It's like red in the crown.

That's dangerous. Yeah, it's one of these, like, listen, you can, it's like, it sounds like this. No, you're, no. Like that. Oh, shoot. It hurt. That used to hurt so when my dad did that. No, that's dangerous. That's your brain.

At least the booty at least has some flubber. Yeah, you're right. That's why we're so stupid. Me and my sister have CTE from getting hit in the head from my parents. Oh, no. Yeah, but we never

got spanked really. We would get we would get cracked in the back of the head like a you idiot. Oh, I see. A little cartoon thingy. Or, yeah,

my parents were cartoon characters. My dad is actually Wile E. Coyote, believe it or not. It's kind of crazy, but you know, it is what it is. But I never got,

I never got booty spanked. But did you, at some point, That sounds dirty. Booty spanked? Yeah. It is kind of gross and weird. But isn't it weirder now

that as adults, people like it during sex? Yeah. Isn't that strange? I know. People want it, people want it during sex. So it's like,

maybe that's some sort of weird repression from when your parents would spank you. I think discipline is hot. Discipline is hot. Bad girl. It is. But it's weird to transfer that from when your parents used to do that to like

when you punish you to. Yeah, that's kind of psycho. It is, right? Yeah. But we all have that weird sexual repressed energy from something in our childhood. Yeah. We're weirdos, man. Humans are weirdos.

Yeah, very strange. What's the one thing when you were young that you were embarrassed to tell everyone that you did and now that you're older, you don't care at all? You know, like there was something you did as a child that you're like, wow, I used to be so embarrassed if people found out about that and now i just don't give a fuck at all oh can you give me some examples i'll give you one i'll give you one to make you start thinking yeah i used to be so embarrassed when i was young that uh when i would masturbate

you know i'd put myself in like really awkward positions to masturbate in. Like really weird positions. And I used to be so like scared that someone would find out that, that I'm a weirdo. I was like, oh my God, what if they found out that I do weird stuff when I masturbate? Okay. Nothing too crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But it's just like weird positions. Yeah, that I want to position myself in weird positions when I masturbate in different different places in the house and now that i'm older i'm like okay so what oh man now now that i know that people do much weirder things yeah yeah well like um and it doesn't have to be anything sexual i just mean that was one example but like things when you're a kid that you do that you you think you're alone on an island and then you realize no other people do that stuff i guess i would always sing to myself in the mirror in the restroom. That's kind of, yeah. And it was embarrassing to you a little bit?

Well, I just, I never told anyone until now. But I was a little, I mean, I was just like, don't speak. I know just what you say. And then, like, just stare in the mirror a long time pretending I'm in the music video. You are Gwen Stefani. Yeah. That's fun.

You've never admitted that? No. That when you were young you did it all the time? And then I would write my own songs and sing them in the restroom. But no one was, you know, it was just me alone. You still write your own songs? Yeah, I do.

It's really cool. You wrote one this morning, right? You told me. Yeah, I did. You want to tell me the one lyric that you said that I thought was profound? Tell me. Say what it was. It was.

It was. I think I know. Yeah, go ahead. Hello? There it is. know. Yeah, go ahead. Hello? There it is. Hello. Yeah. I think what you said was people mistake their dreams with someone else's?

Yes. Is that what it was? People mistake their dreams for someone else's. People mistake their dreams for someone else's. Sometimes when you really ask yourself, did you want that? And you're like, oh, actually, no. No. That's wild. Yeah, because you just see what other people have and what they do and you're like i guess i'm supposed to like that yeah because i think about it like oh you know all three of my siblings the

one's married two are engaged they're gonna get married and i have no desire and that could change yeah but i was actually gonna ask you to marry me right on the show. Oh, poor her. It's fine. It's fine. You already said no. So I get it. You know what I mean? I don't want to be your pity marriage.

I don't want to be Melissa's pity marriage. But you have no desire. No desire for kids. I don't ever have that feeling. Yeah, but that's cool. That's fine. That's fine. Not everyone is supposed to have this like. It's all social, you know, media and people saying whatever. It's Yeah, but that's cool. That's fine. That's fine. Not everyone is supposed to have this like...

It's all social, you know, media and people saying whatever. It's like, but... It's not for everybody. Not for everyone. Nothing is for everyone. But I do want my person,

you know? Mm-hmm. Is there one person you think? I don't know. Yeah, see, that's another hard thing. I don't know. Because when someone's like...

I've never even been with someone for like years. I don't know what that's like. months months yeah but not years never over one year maybe one over one year but truly i'm a little offended you and i dated for nine months what happened no that's not true that's not true we never dated we've always been homies homies home i missed that word homies we're homies man we've always been how long have i known you i've known you for probably definitely eight years i was gonna say eight to ten years yeah yeah isn't that wild when did we first meet i was thinking about that the other day when we were talking

that's when we ran into you at the breakfast spot. I think we first met at the, I want to say, I either want to say the Westwood Brew Co. Do you remember those shows? Or at the improv, at the Hollywood Improv. I think it's the

Brew Co. Because those shows were so weird. There were so many. Why did we keep going back i don't know like then we wouldn't get the response or work we needed no i hated it i hated it i literally hated every second i i hated it but next door i love the karaoke yeah that was fun that's what i went for i think that's really why people went over there was to party but you would go do the mic or the book show if it was a book show yeah and just not get anything out of it i used to do show in santa monica all the time um called uh the irish pub what was the

irish pub in santa monica on main street brennan's or no not brennan's that was on that's on lincoln there used to be a show on the west side in Santa Monica. Matt Knutson used to run it. Yeah. What was that fucking bar? I don't know, but I did it once. Whatever it was called, I used to do it all the time. And I hated it. I know, but you had to do it.

You have to get through those moments. It's so weird. We just had to do so many. You have to get through the shit to get to where you are today. Yeah. You know? Like we were talking, when you're performing, you know, like in Tempe, you've come so far that now the comfort level is so high that when the lights go out.

Yeah. You're still good. Yeah. Can you imagine if that happened at fucking Westwood Bruco? Oh, I would start crying and run? Jump out the window. Melissa, no! Man, man, man.

Land on a car. Is she dead? Good God, why would she do that? But the vulnerability was so much higher when you were young. And now that we're older, I just, older in age and in the comedy business, it's just so different. Yeah, but I wish I had, I i mean i guess my stand-up's different sometimes i feel like i beat myself up like you know i'm on stage on sunday and i'm like because they're bits from seven years ago melissa don't you shouldn't be doing them anymore if it's

like says who i don't know i think it's probably seeing so many comics pump out specials within every year and it's just like but then look at the show I'm on. Like, it's just, maybe it's just okay. It's all okay. It's all okay. There's no rules. There's no fucking rules. There's no rules.

You keep making them up as you go. You keep making up your own schedule as we go. I don't like the idea that we're supposed to adhere to something. I don't like the idea that, and we talked about this something. I don't like the idea that we talked about this. I said the reason that like acting for me is always all over the place is because it's so vulnerable. You don't know what the product is going to be with comedy. You're physically making the product.

You're creating it. You're delivering it. Nobody can misrepresent your delivery of that material. I know. Right. They can receive it how they want to receive it. But you're the one that gets to be the last. Yeah. The last will and testament on how it gets pushed out. Yeah. I think that's wild. You know. Right? They can receive it how they want to receive it. But you're the one that gets to be the last will and testament on how it gets pushed out.

Yeah. I think that's wild, you know? What's your favorite joke that you're doing right now? Okay. You don't have to say it if you don't want to. But I'm just curious. What's the most fun thing you're talking about right now? The most fun are always the newer bits.

What's a brand new bit? Okay, last night I tried this on. I don't know if it's going to even like i like i like your smile on your face it just makes me happy because as you know i was um talking to a friend yesterday and uh i was like yeah i i don't get asked out on dates and and that's because it's on me what do you mean yeah you hold up yeah it's because it's on i mean i didn't mean to tell you to hold up no i like it sometimes i think that's my comedic rhythm now i'm bossy no i'm not boss i'm the first one to spit on a track all right so no you don't get asked out because look at my schedule first of all dating's not hard it's just because i'm not getting out

there period that's it i go i work i sleep i hang out with Penny my dog and and then I'm exhausted to even think of going to hang out at a social place um so what if I just Mary Poppins it you know like line up some guys outside the door like the nannies and Mary Poppins but and then I sang you know ever how Jane and Michael Banks have that song, they sing their dad like the perfect nanny song. They go, if you want this choice position, very sweet and very pretty. Right. Rosy cheeks.

So I changed the lyrics to like what I want my man to be, the perfect man. The perfect man. Like, be like funny. Don't try too hard because I can't fake laugh anymore. Something like that. I can't fake a laugh? Yeah, it's just all like the real things. I can't stand anymore.

Have some money, have a anymore. Have some money. Have a job. Have some friends. Don't be a slob. Exactly. Hey, can you help me write that? That's really, yeah. It's just simple beats of how they should just get their shit together. Maybe at the end it's like, man, this is really creepy because that's a creepy singing voice.

Yeah, but that's really funny. That's like a horror movie. And the last line should be, and also very hot. That should be the last line. And taller than me. And must be taller than me. And they end it with a, sincerely, Jane and Michael Banks. So maybe I had to do, I don't know, something.

But yeah. Melissa, the SN, you're. done so maybe i had to do i don't know something but yeah yeah it's a great bit just line them up because i don't want to leave my house just show up on the front doorstep like they do line up it's kind of like uh that's your version of um what's that fucking shit like the bachelorette you know you're like yeah you don't get to come in the house Just introduce yourself And I'm just gonna pick From the fucking people That show up But who am I singing

That song to? Them America America gets to hear that We'll broadcast it live Yeah so that one Kind of makes me excited Just cause I love

That little kid voice Isn't that so nice That when we find new bits That make us smile That's what feels the best That's the goal every time i know for a fact if it kills me it's gold like that's it that there's i don't there's jokes that comedians write for comics and there's jokes that comics write for audiences

and sometimes they're they go both ways but there's something so fun about something that's like just for you a little bit you know even if they don't really like get it or love it that much, you're like, this is really for me. This is so specific and probably very specific to like my old neighborhood. But anytime, I love breakfast. Breakfast is my favorite meal. Me too. It's my favorite meal. And anytime I go to a breakfast place, when I order like an egg dish, nine times out of ten, at least here in Southern California,

it's always a Mexican dude. And he always asks you as your side do you want fruit or potatoes that's what they always say but there's this rhythm this guy used to have by me and he go fruit or potatoes and I love fruit or potatoes fruit or potatoes fruit or potatoes fruit or potatoes it would just get I thought I would break out in salsa when he would do it and he would laugh at me because his rhythm his voice was in rhythm. It's beautiful.

He had such rhythm to the way, like, you would put in your order. He'd go, two egg sandwiches, two iced coffee, fruit or potatoes. It was like this weird. Have you been doing this on stage? No, I've never done it. I was just writing it down the other day because I was like, I miss fruit or potatoes guy. I miss him. Because now we're in a new neighborhood and I don't get fruit or potatoes fruit or potatoes it's just so fun yeah and I also I

see him as a cartoon in my head holding a plate of fruit and potatoes fruit or potatoes fruit I mash them together to make fruit potatoes yuck fruit potatoes pass I'll just take a salad but anyway I that was like, it was just a fun bit in my mind. And I don't know how I'm gonna organize it, but those are the most, like that, that Mary Poppins bit in your head, because I could see you laughed at it inside your head.

Those are the best bits, ultimately, by far. They're the most fun to do. It's just, I just, I don't know. There's something about that. You know what's so funny? At the comic store last night, I was like, I asked them before the bill, I was like, you guys see Mary Poppins, right? I don't know. There's something about that. You know what's so funny? At the comic store last night, I was like, I asked them before the bill. I was like, you guys see Mary Poppins, right?

I don't think any of these cool kids want to admit they watch it. They're like, no, maybe. I mean, like, maybe I've heard of it. You guys know that Jane and Michael Banks. Everybody knows that shit. Everyone knows it. People know more than they lead on. Like, a lot of times, like, you can ask a weird reference to people,

and they pretend like they have no idea what it is you know like someone cool would just be like no I've never seen Little Mermaid you're like really you've never seen

one of those popular movies of all time you're a liar you know flounder in fact everybody knows that song guys will pretend like they don't know

that song you know that that song where she's talking about all the items I've got somethings and what's it's and who's yeah everybody knows that song people pretend like they don't know they the items? I've got somethings and what's its and who's. Yeah, everybody knows that song. People pretend like they don't know.

They're like, oh, I don't remember that. You're like, yeah, you do. Yeah. Yeah, you do. Yeah, you do. She's brushing her teeth. Did you see Aladdin, by the way? Gretchen caught her and I were talking about it.

We were talking about like, there was not a single soul that said, that was really good. You should go see it. Yeah, nah. I've never heard anyone. But also because I think my memory of aladdin i don't want to i loved it so much when i was a kid i know i was like i don't want to freaking robin williams i don't want to taint that it was so amazing i know you know it was so incredible i just kind of want to keep that

image in my head of what it was i guess do they know that the past few they've made like the live action haven't been all that great no it's i think it's really hard to do that because a kid's imagination books cinderella no beauty and the peace they're all just okay they're fine it's okay even the new mary poppins sorry it's okay everything's okay everything's okay yeah but that's also because we had such an affinity for when we were young i know like i like Like, what was your favorite Disney character? Because you're a big Disney person. I guess I am.

You are. You know? From as long as I've known you, I've always known you to love Disney stuff. I do. I love it. I like Alice in Wonderland, Peter Pan. Yeah, Peter Pan, man. Peter Pan.

Peter Pan, dude. I guess, is Fiefel a Disney movie? It's not, right? No. And I loved Fiefel. Oh, you like the Fiefel? Yeah. You know what?

Somewhere. See, we never, that's American Tail, huh? Yeah, that's Fiefel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fiefel Goes West was the one we watched a lot. Oh. But, yeah, that one's good, too. American Tail was the original.

American Tail. That I loved. That was that separate studios that made Thumbelina. Yep. And, like, these other ones that were's good too. The American Tail was the original. American Tail. That I loved. That was at separate studios that made Thumbelina. Yep. And like these other ones that were also very good. Oh, I love Thumbelina. Think about clawing to compete with Disney. That's really what those people were doing.

What were they clawing? Oh, yeah. They were just fighting to compete with this major market. And so smaller cartoons just had a much harder time breaking through. But yeah, the American Tail was so cute. He just was so cute. Yeah, he was. He had a little...

He had the little teeth that got out. Bug teeth is so cute. Fievel is so cute. Anytime there's a cartoon drawing or whatever that just there's a two front teeth, I lose it. Love it. It's the best face ever. What if you met a person with that? a two front teeth, I lose it. Love it. It's the best face ever. What if you met a person with that?

Just two front teeth? Only two teeth. Hey, Melissa. Would you befriend that person? No. No way. You can't take them to a party. So the cartoon's fine with not the person.

You show up to a party with a guy and everybody's like, Melissa, who is that guy? Where did you meet that guy? Why? What's wrong with him? Hey, we're at a dip. Oh, no. He's eating all the dip.

And look at how he eats. He's like. Have you had like a little. Have you had a little gerbil person friend? Little gerbil person friend. What kind of dog is Penny? I think she's a we don't know she mutt mutt well mutt mutt i think she's definitely yellow lab mix terrier oh maybe um

i don't know the vet yesterday we went to a new vet and uh he's saying all her adult teeth are in how and how old is she she She's seven months now. Wow. Yeah. Well, that's about right, I think. I feel like. Yeah. Did you collect her teeth when they fell out? I don't know how much bigger she's going to be.

No, they all just were, I don't know where. They're somewhere in Brooklyn. We found my dog's teeth all over the house. Yeah. We kept them. I don't know why we did, but we'd find them in weird places. Usually it was in like the squishy bone, in the Kong bones. Oh, yeah.

Chewing on it. But then sometimes I would just like step on it on the floor and be bone, in the Kong bones. Oh, yeah. Chewing on it. But then sometimes I would just like step on it on the floor and be like, what the fuck is that a nip? It's a tooth. It's her little tiny tooth. And I would try to put it back in her mouth. I go, get over here. Do you have any?

Okay. This is something I've been sharing with crowds. I think that dog people get this. But do you have a song that you wrote for your doggy? Come on. Okay. Of course. Like a thousand songs.

Okay. Yeah. I'll give you one. Yeah. Oh, this is so cheesy. I share the that you wrote for your doggy? Come on. Okay, of course. Like a thousand songs. Okay, yeah. I'll give you one. Yeah, no, share mine. Oh, this is so cheesy. I shared the one I wrote for Penny. Her name is Cubby because of the Chicago Cubs. Okay. Nickname, we Cubs.

Yeah. And for some reason, it's to the tune of... What is that song? What? What song is that? What genre? Is this pop today? Old pop.

No, old pop. 60s maybe? Motown. Something, something. I don't know why I can't think of it. Wow. But that's the tune. And the lyrics?

And I call her, so, Cubs to pubs to la la, la la la, the best pub, la la. And then I dance with her, too. It's so stupid. Did you teach her tricks and stuff? Fuck yeah, she's tricked the fuck up, dude. Wow.

She knows double shake. You know, she can shake, shake. I mean, I'm lazy. I need to teach Penny some tricks. No, you know what, dude. I'm lazy. I need to teach Penny some tricks. No, you know what, dude? It's all you really need to teach them, truthfully, is sit. And some people don't know how to make their dogs sit because they're too wild. She's very good at her sit.

Yeah, sit's important. The other stuff is just for fun. Sit down, lay down. Shake and all that shit. Stay, stay. High five. She high fives. I go high five, cubs.

And she just, and she jumps up and hits me with her nose. She gets excited about that shit. Because she knows she's gettingives. I got high five cubs and she just and she jumps up and hits me with her nose. She gets excited about that shit because she knows she's getting the T-R-E-A-T. Oh yeah. Penny's song goes like this. She just runs around.

You're like a little Japanese girl. In her little ears. How did that come about? i just saw her little movements and her uh her just her movements i sound like that yeah and her voice is i figured out so i was thinking like penny thanks for entering my life. And she goes, oh, oh, oh, no problem. Yeah, yeah, it's no big deal. Of course. You're welcome. Oh, yeah.

Oh, is this a tree? Oh, there's a nice tree. That's nice. Yeah. That's what she looks like in your mind's eye. My dog goes, this is what my dog sounds like. I go, Cubs, get over here. And she goes, fine.

And then she trots over. And then when she sits there and I go, doubs, get over here. And she goes, fine. And then she trots over. And then when she sits there and I go, do you want a treat? And she goes, please. Please, I want one treat. Please, can I have one treat? Please. And I give her one and she goes.

She drools when she eats treats. Always like, she does that where she tries to throw it in the back of her mouth you know in the back of her jaw and then it'll fall it'll fall out and she gets excited but she likes her beef treats she like her beef treats i just bought penny some pepperoni yeah pepperoni so good that's like the vet was saying that's like they lose it tasty yeah sometimes i just eat it just in the middle of the day if i'm hungry i'll eat pepperoni i mean it sounds good yeah come on actually there's i went to one of those expensive dog places where they cook human grade food for them you know it's just human food they say human grade food it's literally human food i

i don't know what to do do i go on that stuff it's so expensive it's crazy expensive the amount of money that they wanted for one of those bags i was like what that's more than i would pay for a fucking meal so could i feed her like chicken and stuff? Well, the healthiest thing that you can do, yeah, but you can't taint it with stuff.

Like, season it and salt it and all that stuff is bad for it. Just like raw, just like, not raw, just straight chicken,

just cooked chicken and rice or veggies or, you know, like they can eat all that, all the stuff that's not going to really ruin their stomach.

She just eats beef. She eats raw beef. Raw beef. I kill it i kill it give me the raw beef please give me the raw beef can i have the raw fine that's fine she holds for a long time too she pauses my cat so this is where i feel real bad she's in new york at my place in new york who's taking care of her out there? My sister. My sister lives around the block, so they go and check in on her. Nice.

What neighborhood are you in? Are you in Manhattan? I'm in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, baby. Hold on. Williamsburg. You're in Williamsburg? No, Greenpoint.

Park Slope. Green Slope. Green Point. Green Point. Green Park Slope. Green Park Slope Point Williams. It's so cute. It's a really nice little...

It's nice over there. It's so nice to be out of manhattan town yeah well manhattan's a fucking too way too much no and every time i go i'm like this is too much it's it's intense i've spent a long amount of days there yeah and that's plenty for me and it's like vegas manhattan's like vegas where you're like three days is too much it's a lot yeah i want to get the fuck out i know i mean i feel i like since i'm from here i definitely feel like i've learned some good lessons that new york taught me that nowhere else has just like sharing being close to strangers right i was always just no never and and then after a while i'm like oh it's nice i could talk to anyone on the street now. And I didn't have that before.

I was always so, it's like, I think it's taught me to hang out with people. Right. It forces you to be involved. Yeah. In LA, you can stay in your house the whole time. You don't have to see anybody in your car. Yeah. You can kind of like passively just wane your way through LA.

I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing. It depends on your personality. I think it's just, you know, it's good. I like having the mix. I mean, it's an honor that I could be able to have the mix. It's an honor. It's an honor. It's an honor to accept this mix. Yeah. LA, New York, the hottest towns. Well, I talked to, um, one time I talked to Beck about it, Beck Bennett, who's also on SNL. People that don't know he's incredible. And Beck and I were chatting about, I said, how, said how you know how much how much you liking new york this one when he first went out there he's like i like it man but i really like coming back to la because he's like it is a nice sense of relief for a little while he's like it's also because the

chaos of the job i'm sure is a whole thing as well that's a whole nother beast but new york itself i just think like that it's so slow out here in comparison it's just like you can kind of just and hang out you know sunshine yeah i think that's nice i think i i get why people do that when they leave new york after a while and they're like i need to get out there for a little bit just to like so dark over there because i mean my first apartment was a studio and the one window faced a wall. Yeah. Yeah, wake up to the wall. The wall.

No, sunlight. Ugh. Ella was taking the hair off her legs. Where was that at? In Manhattan. Yeah, that's hard. The first year I was in Manhattan. I didn't like that. And you were like, I got to get the fuck out of here.

I got to get the fuck out of here. But now you live in a book, and then you're loving it. Yeah, because my sister lives in Greenpoint so I was like, well, and every Sunday on the day off I would love to go, I'd go and hang out with her

and it was always so calm and I was like, yeah, I gotta move over here. Yeah, yeah. And Allie cooks. Allie,

my sister. Your sister cooks? Yeah. Do you not cook? No. What do you do? I mean, breakfast I do.

Yeah, you do breakfast. I love oatmeal. Boom. Scrambled eggs and spinach. Boom, boom. Avocado. That's you whipping it up.

Whip it up. You can't do dinner, though. Nah. The other day I made one sweet potato for myself in the oven. That's it? You just cook one sweet potato. Do you put anything on it? Butter?

Well, I moved into a new place. I have no ingredients or anything. just put some nothing nothing you ate a sweet potato from the oven that's a sad dish for some reason that's like really making me feel awful just sitting you this watching you like just spoon out a sweet potato no chairs on the floor, just sitting on the wood floor cold. Yeah, you know. It works. How was the sweet potato? Good?

Delicious. Yeah, well, fuck it then. I mean. What do we really need? What do you need? We're not that fancy. We just need like. Your place is real simple. You just need a few things.

I'm a simple guy. Yeah. I don't like a lot of shit. I don't like stuff. I don't like knickknacks. Knickknacks bother me. Mm-hmm. Knickknacks.

That's my. It could be a problem for me. You're a knickknacker? Yeah. I am an opposite of knickknacker. I don't like stuff. Like I won't buy the things I need. I'll buy the knickknacks and that's not good. But I don't think I'm like that much anymore.

I can't imagine you, you're not like a hoarder. No. But you like your knickknackies. I like some colorful toys. Toys. Like little fun little things. Yeah. Yeah.

Like what are those people collect them? What am I thinking of? Oh, you're thinking the pop things. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I used to have a few of those.

I think I. There was a time I had a storage out here and I got rid of everything in that storage. I was kind of on a minimalist kick. You just dumped it? I dumped everything. Wait, you gave it away or threw it away? Everything at the Goodwill. Oh, okay, you gave it away.

I gave toys, stuffed animals, books. That's nice. Movies, DVDs. See, that's very nice, though. That's doing a good thing. You're cleaning out your world. You're giving to someone that doesn't have. Yeah, yeah, definitely. That's doing a good thing. You're cleaning out your world. You're giving to someone that doesn't have. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

That's the balance. Yeah. But there were some things I'm like, man, I got rid of all my Casio watches. All of them? Yeah. Damn. I don't know what else. I would have kept one.

I know. Should we go back and get it? Yeah. We go to the Goodwill today and go get it. Excuse me. Those are all my watches. I would like one if I'm back. I give away so much stuff.

I spring clean every other month. I just get rid of everything. I don't even have a lot of stuff, but I just want to get rid and get rid and get rid until I barely have anything. I don't want a lot of, I don't like things. I don't like stuff. I like materials that I'm going to use.

If it's a thing that I know I use on a daily or weekly basis, it stays. If I haven't used it in months, you gotta go. What am I doing with it? I don't want to be a guy who like dies and has so much stuff

that like it's annoying. When they cleaned out my grandparents' house, when my grandparents passed away, my dad was saying like how depressing it was at how much stuff they keep. You know?

Like they had had so much stuff. Yeah, also, that's interesting. That's painful that you leave so much stuff for the people to clean that's interesting. That's painful that you leave so much stuff for the people to clean out.

We don't need all the stuff, man. You're making them do the work. Yeah. Do it before you go. Please do it before you go. That's so insensitive.

No, but it's so true. It's like, I think if I'm getting really sick, I'm just going to set my whole house on fire. As soon as it burns up. Well, let's

blow this baby up huh nothing to clean i mean it's so sad but so true it's sad but it's also like i don't want to leave people with like debt or problems that's that's like weird worry of mine like i don't want to put problems on other people just i just want to get away clean i want to get out of here clean just want to walk away and just be like we're good right we did it we had a good time yeah yeah i'll see ya see you later like i'm telling a joke right now about that about i tell a joke about uh about the idea of global warming and like what we can do to like help and how it's a hard argument or a hard discussion to have because you're like i don't know what i'm i don't know what you want me i don't know what i can do like i really don't

know i'll do my best i'll do my best to not be a slob and a pig and an abuser of the environment but at the most part at the same time you're like you know what do you want me to fucking do like what do you want me to really like do you really leave everything nicer than when you found it do you know what i mean that's the whole theory of like when you leave a hotel do you clean up or do you just leave it the way it is what do you do you leave it the way it is of course that's my point so of course we're not gonna fucking clean up the universe that fucking much you use every towel you know what i mean i know you use all the resources you leave wrappers and shit you would never do that anywhere else but because it's because why because the hotel is just like their universe.

It's like, we're only here, we're only there for a short amount of time. You're like, I'm coming and going. I'm not gonna not, you know, fuck it.

I don't know, man. That's such a, it's a, it's like a, it's a fun joke, but the theory is true. It's like,

we don't, we don't, we're not ever that careful. Are you really ever that careful about when you're using stuff? I mean, you try, you know what I stuff? I mean, you try. You know what I mean?

I mean, you're somebody, you know, I should give you more shit about it. People don't know at home. Melissa drives an original H1 Hummer and it's a 98 gallon tank. No way. Yep. And she storms around town. It's so annoying. It's cool.

I get it. No, I don't guess. And what she does is she dumps trash out the window on the way to the house. She dumped trash out the window and she was smoking chain smoking cigarettes and she was blowing it in a baby's face. She had stolen someone's baby. It's crazy, but I still love you. It doesn't, not going to change how much I love you. That'd be so funny. We were talking about like earlier if I had, cause I'm waiting for my electric guitar today to

arrive. And then I was like, oh, that's my ride over there. It was a motorcycle outside the window. I was like, what if I just become that badass, the bad to the bone? I bought it, didn't I? At first I go, oh shit, do you really ride a bike now? I thought maybe you did. You have no sleeves on.

Thanks, Lauren. Hey, Lauren, see you next fucking year. Flick a cigarette. And Lauren's like, Lauren, see you next fucking year. Flick a cigarette. And Lauren's like, she's a badass. That's what I love about her. She's a badass. But seriously, you came in the restaurant with no sleeves on and your tats out. And I thought, dude, maybe she's biking up.

Maybe she's fucking bike life. You look hardcore. You know, I for. And that's a new tat. That's a new tat. This one I got last summer. The flowers. And then I got the Shel Silverstein doodle.

Yeah. The Tinker of Tender Thoughts. I like that. Which I love so much. Shel was one of my favorite. And then I got my drawing, the astronaut reaching for the heart. Yes, I've seen that. That's awesome.

I love it. That's my doodle. But that's it for now. I love them. Yeah. You know, there But that's it for now. I love them. You know, there was a time I was feeling like, oh, I should wear long sleeves. Also, that's because my strict Latina mom is in my head like, it doesn't look good. She doesn't like tattoos. I don't like them.

No more, okay? You don't look good? No more, okay? Is that what she says? Yeah, she'll just mumble like, no more, okay? Why? She hates him. Why does she hate him so much?

She's like, you just don't look pretty if you wear a dress now. But it looks very pretty. I know, but that's how we think. You know, for her time, it was- I guess it's just a time period of life. It's a time thing. But you also have very, like, okay, let's be real though. You also have, some people's tattoos are fucking ugly.

Like some people have shitty tattoos. You also have classy, classic tattoos. Yeah. Your style is- It's what's in her. Some people have shitty tattoos. You also have classy, classic tattoos. Your style is... It's what's in there. It's a thin line. But it looks nice on you. It's not like you're... You don't have a skull and crossbones on your arms.

I get why some people of our parents' generation is not into it, but also, at least it's classy. It looks clean and classy and nice and it's well done. And I think it shows that like, I mean, not shows people, but it shows this other side. Yes. Oh, there's more to this.

She isn't who I think she is. Wow. What's your alter ego? Do you have an alter ego? Like when you're at home working on stuff or working on art, do you have an alter ego that comes out? Probably just a silent creeper. Oh, what's a silent creeper's name?

I don't know. Well, let's name her right now. Okay. Paola. Paola. Paola, the silent creeper. Paola's good. That's good.

Paola. She make art. Paola. Paola. Paola. She make art inside her house quietly. Paula's good that's good Paula she make a art Paula she make a art inside her house quietly and she strum a guitar

and a new electric guitar slowly slowly strum her guitar and once in a while Paula put down

her guitar and pick up a painting and make a painting yeah that's her that's Paula yeah and her head's always

cocked to the side when she plays, you know? Night, night, sun, the sun. That's Paula. The sun, the night, the sun. I am Paula. I am Paula. I am Paula. I am Paula.

I am Paula. Middle of the night. I am Paula. I am Paula. I am Paula. I am Paula. I am Paula. I am Paula. I am Paula. This is a really good song.

That was really beautiful. If anybody wants to download that and put it on iTunes, all the proceeds... If anyone wants to sign us for a record label, please. All the proceeds should go to the Penny Foundation. Yeah. Penny Foundation for their voice reconstructive surgery so we can get back to really speaking to her at full volume tones because paula for paula do you have an alter ego like when you're alone because i feel like man

like i was thinking about this week i i'm so quiet about myself well i mean there is no one to talk to but i feel like sometimes I'll get in a place of just, there's nothing. I'm doing nothing. I'm not, I don't know. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You get, you get anxious about being alone? No, no, I don't get anxious and alone.

I think, uh, I'm very fine alone. I'm just so quiet. Oh, you're saying when it's so quiet. I am very, I'm a very quiet person. When you're alone. Completely. Cause when you're, when you're with friends, we chat and we when it's so quiet. I am very I'm a very quiet person when you're alone Completely cuz when you're when you're with friends we chat and we it's like come Yeah, but it takes me some time to start the engines up Do you notice that like when I ran into it just took some time? No, okay, but you're pretty balanced But maybe it's also because I've known you for so long that I know who you are. Yeah, that's true

I think if probably people that don't know you She's not even alive or any spirit you're just she's slowly just moving through time and space have you met melissa before she is not there no i just know you i know you're calm and you're low-key and yeah yeah that's true that's why i like you though yeah i know but i also think i know what you mean i think a lot of people just assume that when they meet someone that they're a fan of, that they want you to be on or it or up or alive more than most of us are. That's a really difficult thing to do as well. I feel like, so there was a dude I dated in the winter, and I think.

Let's say his name. Oh, my gosh. Brad. You know what, Brad? You piece. No. No, I just just thought i was thinking about i think some guys must think oh she on tv big celeb life or something right he was like kind

of a materialistic person who liked that fancy life and i was like nah i really got nothing for you there it's really nothing i have no interest in that world. Right. Well, that's not who you are. I know. But I think it could surprise. Well, I think if you were like, if you had changed and become that, it would be detrimental to your character because that's not who you are. And I don't think it would ever happen because I have that mom that goes, no more. No more tattoos. That's Paola, by the way.

Paola? Paola's also. No, Paola's the opposite. Paola's like, get another tattoo. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. That's Paola. Paola's back there going, get another way. Paula? Paula's also. No, Paula's the opposite. Paula's like, get another tattoo. Yeah, yeah, that's Paula. Paula's back there going, get another tattoo. So what? I was going to call her Mia for a second.

Oh, Mia. Or Maya or something. No, Mia's nice. Mia. Maybe Paula and Mia are twin sisters. And Paula's kind of like the badass. And Mia's much sweeter. Yeah, yeah.

You know what I mean? But Paula sounds like there's a little darkness. Paula's got a little bit of darkness. Yeah. You know what I mean? Paola sounds like there's a little darkness. Paola got a little bit of darkness. Yeah. A little freaky. Paola's like, tie me up. It's been in my mouth. Yeah.

And Mia's like, I want to make love tonight. Yeah, yeah. But Paola, no, no, no. No, no, no, no. Get another tattoo. Spank me. Spit on me. Knock me the fuck out on Paola.

That's perfect Paula do you have yeah I cut you off no my I don't I have well it's funny because I'm alone

all the time I know and when I'm alone the I don't have I have the alter ego that I have is I

this is so weird I talk to myself yeah no I get it I'll talk out long bits through the house sure but I'll get into characters I don't I'll get into characters i

don't yeah i'll get into these weird characters like the other day i was chasing the dog around the house and i was i was doing this i was doing this like undefined voice with my teeth out and i was like cabby would you like something to snack on and then she would like run away she doesn't like it when i do characters and voices she hates it oh she doesn't get into it. Yeah Penny's starting to go like this. Yeah this is kind of like what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck mom? Yes but I do these little boy I do I do characters and voices to her. That's great. I go Cubby come here on the couch and she hates it she's always like what the fuck is she goes she goes what the what is that what is? And she doesn't want to be near me. And then I go, all right, Cubs, come here. And

then she's like, okay. Then she gets excited. When I go back to me, she doesn't like characters. I do little characters that play with her, but I also do it to like exercise whatever funny, dumb thought I have. That's good. So then it'll lead me to sometimes getting to a place where I'm like, oh, that's funny. If I say something funny through the character's voice, I'll try to learn how to put it back in my own head. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Because I don't really do characters or anything like that on stage, but I use them to kind of inspire weird jokes sometimes. Yeah, that's cool.

It's weird. I like that. Yeah. Well, it's also because I'm alone and I'm like bouncing ideas off the walls. It's the hardest time. It's the hardest time, but sometimes the most creative time is when it's quiet and alone it's like sometimes like there's a flushing of ideas and i don't even know how to get a get them all put together at some point i know your brain is like attention floating all over me the mornings are good if i wake up nice and half asleep really ideas dead middle of the night

for me for you dead middle of the fucking see that's why sometimes snl tuesday writing nights i'm like i can't even function yeah i i wish i could just have written these in the morning like it was so nice the gaga update piece it was a tuesday night colin was like oh i have an idea for your gaga because he didn't get on the week before and i was like what the hell that's a solid sketch and i kind of gave a not a not a argument but just kind of was like i didn't understand you guys have me here doing impressions but they're not shining shining but i said that in a nice professional way to someone there and i was just like i don't know what to do so then colin was like i have an idea for your impression

and then tuesday night it didn't happen to meet with him. And I was like, oh, it's okay. Maybe it won't happen. Then he was like, no, no, no. This is on Wednesday morning. He was like, come to the office. This is the idea for the update. Maybe you and your friend Eli, who I love writing with, Eli Mandel,

and you guys could write, just do this idea I have for it. And then so fast, wrote it so fast in the morning. You guys did. Because I'm just happy. I was just like, that's when my brain is better. That's awesome. I wish I could just write in the morning. Well, you can.

I know. You find what's most comfortable for you. Yeah. Right? Some people write good at night. Some people write in the middle of the day. I love love in the middle of the night. Middle of the night is so weird. That's so cool. and i just get on my phone and i love that isn't it so cool we do

this yeah it's weird like little like like um weirdos we're like just it's so little we're like little tinkerers yeah little little joke tinkerers yeah trying to find out like the funny inside of the monotony that's our whole job so cool isn't it cool how on stage things make more sense yeah yes because it's hard sometimes to say it off stage it doesn't make any sense yeah and then on stage people are like oh right on you're like yeah and you're like that that makes sense yeah here yeah yeah that's kind of the nicest part about yeah about getting up there i was going to ask when you're alone because i thought i was asking myself this right now what is your reoccurring thought that you say to yourself because i know for me

if i am alone and i'm thinking if it's not about comedy it's always about exercising and going to gym and eating healthy that's good i tend to beat myself kind of discipline like i haven't gone to the gym since i don't't know, last week. And I'm already feeling like, oh no, Melissa, you have to go exercise and look good. But I'm fine. You're fine. And I think I overdo it sometimes. You're fine.

That could be a real problem. I've recently learned to do that. Moving into the new neighborhood has been weird about going to the gym. I used to have a gym in the basement. And now I'm like, I feel left behind because I'm only going like, you know, a couple times a week pretty infrequently i'm not running as much as i used to you're a runner yeah i like running late at night you can run in here that's beautiful yeah i do i run in the neighborhood i just have been so busy life's been so busy it's been hard and that's okay yep and that's also where i've just been saying that to myself i'm like it's fine yeah fuck it i've been taking care

of penny and like this new place too it's like there's things to take care of and like just no it's okay actually i have a busy life that's okay because sometimes you go to the gym so much like that whole day's gone in three hours you know and you also like what do you get what do you really get out of it sometimes sometimes i don't feel that good and i go well that i didn't really even feel that much better than when i didn't you know what i mean if i didn't go yeah sometimes i yeah yeah than when I didn't. You know what I mean? If I didn't go. Yeah. Sometimes I, yeah, yeah, yeah. As long as I know. Yeah.

It does help the happy boost. It's good. That's what feels good about it. But sometimes it's like, but what is this for? Who and what is this for? That's a reminder you have to put in your own head. I like exercising for myself to feel physically better and mentally better. Yeah.

But there are times when I'm like, what is this really? What am I, what is this for? Yeah. Cause sometimes I want to be the, so buff and per like but i'm like nah you are pretty buff man i'm toned but what do you really want what do we so there's a there's a limit we have to have a limit yeah yeah i don't want to be the muscle lady but i'd like having some nice little tone and and not looking and you've always been in shape. No. There was one, a few years I was on the road after AGT,

I was drinking Guinness beer a lot. But I've never known you to not be in shape. Really? Is that Penny singing to you about your weight? But once I stopped drinking completely, I just lost the weight yeah yeah well drinking is bad for you and the name of the show is whiskey ginger usually i have a drink on the show but i'm not but you know what but whiskey i well maybe i just can't take it but you you love that is that that's your drink love it whiskey bourbon yeah lovely yeah it works for me i don't really

love beer like i used to. Yeah. I'll have a beer once in a while. Got a nice barbecue with the dads? Hey, come on over. Bring some beers. What is that? Italian sausage? I'll have a beer.

Is that the Chicago fam? Yeah, it's Chicago. What are you having? Italian sausage? Pasta? Come on over. Have yourself a beer. Grab one of those beers out of that case.

Give it to your cousin. He wants two more beers. Yeah, that's Chicago. Chicago. Yeah, I'm about to go see the family and it's always so funny to go back home because it is exciting but also sometimes it's work because if people haven't seen you in a long time they want to talk to you about everything and you're like I just want to hang out like I don't you know it's all that's how I get it though because if people haven't seen you in a long time it's so exciting how's it going in LA

and you feel like you kind of have to play catch up with everyone here's literally everything that's been going on in my entire fucking life and sometimes when I come here I want to rest but I'm from here so all my family's like well come on come on over

there was a graduation I went to early June. College? With my cousins. No. High school? Eighth grade. Wait.

Junior high. I think it was eighth grade. It'd be so funny if you're like preschool. It was a preschool graduation and she killed it. She knows seven colors. She can name seven colors. Dude, she is so smart. Smart girl. It was eighth grade. She is so smart. Smart girl.

It was eighth grade. And most of the family was there. And then like a week later, my dad was like, oh, it's your other cousin's graduation. Come on. You should go. Like, I just saw all the family. You don't need to go again. Eighth grade is also tough because then you're about to, it's a rude awakening coming around

the corner. Freshman year of high school is a tough, tough time. I don't care who you are around the country no matter where you grew up freshman year is tough because you're intimidated you're you look like a small human and all these these seniors look like full-grown adults mustaches it sucks yeah mustaches and nice hair and full boobs i'm growing my mustache in and i know the boys have a bigger penis than I do and I'm shorter than them. You know what I mean?

Like all the things. That's a lot. I remember, so I went to an all-girls school from 7th to 12th grade so I didn't have like the, Wow. Oh, the dudes are going to be here.

I got to prep up. You got to prep up. No, I had hairy pits. My mom didn't want me to shave. I don't know why. Your mom didn't want you to shave? She was like, there's an old school thing. Tattoos, she says, no more. No shave. I don't know why. Your mom didn't want you to shave? She was like, that's an old school thing.

Tattoos, she says, no more. But under your armpits. No, she didn't want me to shave. Let it go. Let it go. Oh, you think that's... Let it go. Let it go.

She wanted you to, yeah. No, she thought it was like too adult. I think she just was like, you know. Yeah, she wants to keep her little girl, her little girl. But that was so embarrassing. Because there was a PE class, and it was changing like this in the locker room, and I didn't want anyone to see my hairy pits. So I had to do it real fast.

I don't know why it's making me laugh so hard just to see a little girl. But it's all other little girls. No, but some girls were getting more adult, like seventh, eighth grade. Some were already, you know, getting it on. Were they mean to you about that? No. I feel like by senior year, maybe I was starting to feel kind of, I was already a comedian. I already knew I was going to do stand-up by like 15.

So I already had this mentality of, I didn't go to prom. I was like, you guys are dumb. I'm already going to work on my career. And so it was kind of like a book smart thing in a way of like I was like I'm not gonna worry about this and I didn't sit with any group so and I feel like that's how I am still today yeah I don't have like a pack of a gang a clique like even a pack of girls I feel like I had my sister's bachelorette I went to New Orleans a few weeks ago love and it was wonderful. But I haven't been in that pack of girls for food eating, eating food in a long time. I don't remember.

Yeah, but a lot of girls in LA don't go out for food, food. They go out for drinks. Oh, okay. Dinner is like a weird thing for people in Los Angeles. Yeah. Hey, you know what? I realize I'm a selfish asshole. Give it to me.

When the waitress at the restaurant, the bacheloret restaurant a bachelor she's like it's best if it's shared plates and then i go i heard myself do that sound and then someone was like oh perfect that's great we'll do that is there any way i can get my own fucking meal because i wanted my own fucking plate before i'm not used to that. Yeah, you don't like sharing. But it was actually worked out fine. What was the restaurant? The shared place. It was a delicious Mediterranean place in New Orleans.

And it was... So phenomenal. The hummus. The hummus. Dude, hummus is good. Hummus is good, dude. I didn't know you could do all different flavors out there. You know how they make it, right?

Chickpea. No, ox feet. You're lying to me. Yep. Ox yep oxes yeah what are you talking about ox feet it's a lie chickpeas don't exist they're fake are you serious right now nope you're joking yes oh hi i'm a very gullible yeah you went for it your car's on fire two for two jeez let's see how many more home runs i can hit man okay let me try okay see this is how this i can't prank anyone prank me right now baby you know that um i wanted to tell you tell me you have um a baby on the porch right now in a basket are you being serious yeah there's a baby there's a baby on my porch how did it get there as a you know the classic way the birds the birds dropped off a baby

yeah yeah he went for it oh man melissa fuck man you got me i was Shit dude I thought there was a baby On the porch Dropped up by the birds I do love when you When you talk to a child About that When they're like The storks And you're like

Oh that's so cute I wonder when like When the moment is That the kids go They lied They lied about the There's no storks We've never seen them

There's penises and vaginas There's penises and vaginas And we've never seen A bird drop off a baby ever. We've been looking at the sky for fucking eight months now. You know what? My parents never gave the talk.

The birds and the bees? No. And then, so that's why I didn't do any of that stuff in high school because I knew nothing about it. Hey, I didn't have internet either. It was dial-up.

Dial-up, baby. My brother wouldn't let me borrow that computer. School, Catholic school, oh, they just said don't do it. There's no like teaching. They just say don't do sex. They just say don they just say don't do sex just don't do it whatever it is don't do it and my mom even was like there was one time i was in the den watching tv with her at night and on the news they're saying no teen pregnancies are happening something in the news mom goes looks at me she goes you're

not doing that stuff right no okay that's it that's the most i got you're not doing that stuff right no okay that's it that's the most i got you're not doing that stuff right no okay that was my first mv i don't think i had i think my dad had a small quick talk with me and it was very much like are you having sex and i was embarrassed and he was like just please use condoms it was like very cut and dry like please use a condom okay yeah because anymore it's that's awkward i'm sure yeah he knew i knew though yeah he's like you know better you know why that's great i think that was it and my mom came in the room and she was like so when a girl shows you her hoo-ha i'm like mom we already did this no she didn't.

No, but I think my dad did like a 10 second talk. Literally, it was like, if you're having sex, use condoms. And I was like, I am and I am. He was like, good, get out of here.

Get the fuck out of here. Now go on and get busy, huh? Now go on and start fucking. Start pumping, pal. I think that's a very dad thing. Dads to boys. That's hard. It's hard.

I'm sure for a girl. I'm sure that's way harder for girls. Yeah. For dudes, it's your dad is like, dude, fucking put a thing and don't be dumb. And, you know, put a wrap your pap. I think that's it. I know. That's how easy it is with boys.

With girls, it's got to be way harder. Yeah. It was way more. There's also some. There's so much going on. And when people are developing their sexuality. By the way, that's something that nobody wants to talk about right now in our country is why. Why there's so much going on and when people are developing their sexuality by the way that's something like nobody wants to talk about right now in our country is why why there's so much weird i think why me too was birthed is because of years of um sex being so taboo in our culture

and no one wanting to talk about when people are uncomfortable nobody wants to talk about it yeah nobody wants to talk about when men and women are putting themselves in positions of trying to have sexual relationships and nobody wants to talk about when people are uncomfortable just like like it's like nobody wants to hear it for some reason and i think it's like that's a big fucking deal yeah sometimes it's uncomfortable yeah and it's i think the problem america also i think it goes it's deep right there's a lot of layers but i think america does this weird thing where we don't sex is so taboo it's like so taboo that that very thing your mom you know you're not doing that right okay it's like it's there's so many other cultures around the world i'm not saying like we're doing it wrong and everyone's right but like there's so many other cultures where

sex is less taboo it's more public it's it's not as gross or dirty or no no or bad or you should be ashamed you know there's less shame around sex in certain parts of the world other parts of the world yeah it's even more tied up than we are then it's more repressed you know yeah yeah i fucking you know the japanese say that they're the most sexual culture in the world but like their pornography can't show penetration and stuff oh yeah they're really sexually they sell panties out of vending machines i heard when i went to i performed at university anchorage years ago that they japanese folks will i don't know fly over to do it under the northern lights i don't know if this is i don't know if that's true someone told me this this. This is not me.

No, but people, I'm sure people go to fuck under the lights. I mean, that's probably a beautiful place to fuck. Yeah, I would love it. I would love to do that too. But I do, but Japanese culture is very sexually repressed in this way that's like,

sex is, it's a very part of their, a heavy part of their driving culture. It's in all the animes too. Yes, but they're culturally a little bit, they're weird about the expression of it. Oh. You know what yeah have you ever been in tokyo love tokyo damn that's one of the coolest places on earth tokyo kyoto just thinking about that let's go to japan right now do you want to take off yeah let's go see you later guys no no wait okay yeah we're gonna go

we're gonna go to japan what if we bought tickets and left right now so did you go let's go someone what if we bought tickets and left right now so did you go let's go with someone that toured you around cause I would I know me

I get lost in a second no I'm good I don't I like to float let's go let's just figure it all out yeah figure it out fuck it

getting lost is the best thing in the world I know but when it's just me and Melissa I'll cry what about Paula that's true Paula knows her work

is Paula not gonna come on the trip Paula's like Melissa's like oh my god I'm lost I don't know how to get anywhere I should ask someone What about Paula? That's true. Paula knows her way. Is Paula not going to come on the trip? Paula's like, Melissa's like, oh my God, I'm lost. I don't know how to get anywhere. I should ask someone. Paula goes right up to the first person she sees and just shows her tit. And she's like, tell me how to get home.

That's what Paula does. I like Paula. Get me back to where I belong. Next thing you know, you're eating fucking lobster in a five-star hotel. You know what I mean? Come on, come on, come on. I mean, you're right. That's how you travel, baby. I would love to go with pals.

I think that would be a next trip. That would be a really fun thing. I've never done an international friend trip. No, I've never done that. Never done that either. No, I've never done. I've done with a group to like Mexico. I've done like Cabo,

but that's not, but I've never done like a Europe trip or like Africa or Asia with a group of friends. I've never done like a Europe trip or like Africa or Asia with a group of friends I've never done that I would love to do that yeah I think we would be good

on the road oh for sure because we know our we get quiet we know there's no pressure to have like a timeline of stuff

I think I could see that with you we would have a good time I'm not someone that's like I went to Mexico last year with a dude I was seeing

and schedule. I was like, dude, let me just sit here for one. Let me enjoy the sun for a second. Why are we on a schedule? Where are we going? Churches. But it's also like we vacationed so we could get away from schedules. Let's just chill the fuck out

a little bit. Can we chill the fuck out a little bit? That's what I would say. Do you think we can chill the fuck out a little bit. Can we chill the fuck out a little bit? That's what I would say. Do you think we could chill the fuck out a little bit? Can we just sit down and have something? I've been calling Sundays shut up Sundays. Really? For myself.

You quiet the whole day? I call the whole day. Wow. Not one word? Maybe a little. Hey, Penny. That has to be thrown in there. Hey, Penny.

Hey, Penny. Do her song one more time she's somewhere she can hear you doing yeah she's like sometimes I'll bring her to shows actually she's been on the road a lot now yeah but in the green room people say that she's what she hears her name because I'll do that song on stages you she can hear it yeah dogs are so funny and smart they're so then to the intuition is so high when they know that you're speaking of them like it's weird i'll do that about about the dog and i'll be saying something and i'll watch her like know that i'm talking about her they're fucking these little robots they really know what's. They're the secret to the world.

Melissa, I want to thank you so very much for coming by and dee-dee-do-do-do-do-dee-dee-do-deeing with me. You are on the road a little bit. You're having fun, chilling out this summer. If people want to come see you do a live show, they go to melissacomedy.com. I think the best is... What's your website? I have melissavsenor.com, but I need to work on that site.

I would say the best, melissavisenor.com, but I need to work on that site. Fuck it. I would say best melissavcomedy on Twitter and Instagram because I'll usually post. The dates will be on Instagram. And I'll link the Instagram in the description, as you kids know, so you can go see her because she's incredible and wonderful. Thanks. And see her wherever she is, whatever she's doing. I'll even put up a schedule of where she's eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner so you guys can just swing by and say, hey.

See me eat my potato alone. Just one sweet potato. Just one soul sweet potato as she's lining up people outside to date to try to sing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Thanks. Thank you for coming. Thanks, Andrew. This was fun. This was fun. Bye, guys. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. Whisk. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Bye, guys. Whisk, whisk, whisk, whisk.

You were that creature in the ginger feeders. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger.

I like gingers.