Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Nick Swardson

Episode Date: July 26, 2024

Nick Swardson is a comedian, actor, and writer known for his sharp wit and outrageous humor. With a career spanning over two decades, Swardson has starred in numerous hit films like "Grandma's Boy" and "Benchwarmers," and has been a staple on "Reno 911!" His latest comedy special, "Nick Swardson: Make Joke from Face," showcases his unique blend of irreverent storytelling and quick-fire punchlines, solidifying his status as one of the funniest voices in comedy today. WATCH HIS NEW SPECIAL NOW! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNGwA9FRrEk #nickswardson #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino =========================================== Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS ETHOS Affordable Life Insurance Only $10 A Month! https://ethoslife.com/whiskey KIKOFF GET YOUR 1ST MONTH FOR $1 https://kikoff.com/whiskey ETHOS Affordable Life Insurance Only $10 A Month! https://ethoslife.com/whiskey ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Well, hey there, Whiskey Ginger fans. Thank you for joining the show. I just want to tell you, I'm on tour. I'm doing a big, old, fancy tour. I can't wait to come see you guys all over the country. I'm in Frank, California to start. I go to Indianapolis, Charlotte, North Carolina, Waukee, Iowa, Omaha, Nebraska, Kansas City,

Cleveland, St. Louis, Grand Rapids, Detroit, New Orleans, San Antonio, my hometown, Chicago, Illinois. Can't wait to come see you guys. Durham, Atlanta, Charleston, Philly, New York, Phoenix, San Francisco, San Diego, Boston, and, of course, Minneapolis is the last on that tour. Not the least. Last but not the least. And I'm adding dates.

I'm adding shows. So be on the lookout. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets. andrewsantino.com In here, we pour whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey whiskey you're that creature in the ginger beard sturdy ginger like vampires the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse gingers oh hell no this whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.

Okay, so... Are we live right now? We're live. Singer Ingrid Andres, National Anthem. She said, I'm not going to bullshit y'all. I was drunk last night. I'm checking myself into a facility today to get the help I need.

That was not me last night. I apologize to the MLB, all the fans in this country I love so much for that rendition. I'll let y'all know how rehab is. I hear it's super fun. XO Ingrid. Okay, is she trolling? Does that sound fake? I don't know.

Let's hear it. Hold on. That was not me last night. That was you. No, that wasn't me at all. No, that wasn't me. That was not me. Here's her singing the national anthem.

That wasn't me in Colorado. Let me hear it. Hold on. Jesus, Lord. She sounds like an alley cat on meth. Damn. I feel so bad. No, I feel bad for her.

Well, because think about, I mean, I've heard you sing, I've heard you sing drunk and sober, and they're both pretty similar. They sound actually almost more angelic when you've got a buzz. I mean, that's how you should sing. Yeah, the rocket

It's a nightmare. A poor girl. Just waking up the next day and being like wait what did i do like it's one thing like singing karaoke like oh god did i make a fool out of myself karaoke oh wait i was at the all-star game oh no I just made national news. What's your karaoke song? My go-to, and I fucking nail it, and I'll do it right now. Do it. Take on me.

Take on me. Take me on. And then I vomit. And then I projectile vomit. But yeah, take on me is my my go-to I have the same one every time and I kill it what is yours?

Party in the USA Miley Cyrus what an asshole it's such a good song it's catchy but everybody knows it everyone in the bar knows it I don't care what

how old you are where you're from what color you are what socioeconomic status it is the great leveler Party in the USA is what everybody likes yeah that's a good one I'll attempt it i think that's what i think that's what if you were if someone was smart running for president or running for government official

sing party in the usa and i guarantee people will be like this guy's not so bad right he's not so bad so my friend my friend mike and aspen i was at his bar And I was like dude And it was like last call And I go play Nickelback I go this is how you remind me And he goes no I'm not playing that And I go watch Just watch what happens

And he's like no And I go watch And he did the fucking whole bar Went bonkers. This is how you remind me of what I really am. How I really am. Everybody got so fired up. My friend Mike goes, did that really just happen?

I'm like, yeah, it did. Because everyone that can joke about Nickelback, everyone that jokes about it, really realize you knew all those songs. Yeah, you don't realize that you know them. I know all those songs. I like all those songs. Far away. Such a good song. Yeah, it's a great song.

It's actually so good. It's funny that that became a joke band, but there's other bands that I don't know any of their songs, and they're cooler bands, more popular bands. Right, like who? cooler bands more popular bands right like who like i don't know like uh i don't like i don't know i don't know why people are really all over like you know wham no something current i'm trying to think of why are they on wham i don't know why are people all on wham? What is that? Everybody loves Wham. You were singing Wham with him? I think so, yeah. ABBA?

I love ABBA. Eagles? Eagles, not so much. I'll take ABBA over the Eagles. Yeah, I fucking said it. I'll take Nickelback over the Eagles. I'll take Nickelback over the Eagles. It's so funny. I like the Eagles. I really do. But every time I think of the Eagles, it reminds me of who I really am. It reminds me of Big Lebowski, where he's like, I fucking hate the Eagles, man.

It's stamped in my mind now, and it ruins it a little bit for me. Now I think I can't like the Eagles because he hated them so much. I would say my least favorite song of all time, bold statement. Oh, no. I fucking hate Hotel California. Oh, that song sucks. It's such, I don't know, what mood are you in that you want to fucking hear that? Welcome to the hotel California, such a lovely place. It just sounds like fucking death.

Yeah, it sounds like a funeral home. God, now I want to come up to that on stage do you ever do that come up to like a really bad or weird intro song i actually i ask the dj sometimes if i'm at like a club i'll go play play like one of the most boring terrible songs you can find like just give me something awful just dog shit yeah i like i like bad shit to come up to because then it gives you then the audience is like, what the fuck? What the fuck is he doing? You don't want a hype song, because then it's a little bit too showy. It's so corny.

It's too showy. Yeah, you want something weird. So I just had a set at the Ice House the other day, and I came up to Careless Whisper by Wham. Oh, that's really good. And I told the DJ, I go, play it out. Yeah, let the whole thing go. I go, let it sink in. Let it sink. Give it sink i used to have my minutes the guy that

used to open for me chris o'connor my good buddy who's so funny he would let me he was like no you pick the song every time and and one of my favorites for him was always it's raining men because he would really get into it when it comes when he when he comes out and it's raining men he like kind of like would get into the song a little bit. So I would start playing songs like that to really like get him in the groove a little bit. So it's funny because, uh, I did,

God, I think it was Ari Maness was opening for me and he came up to it's raining men. And then they were like, Nick, what do you want to come up to? And I go, it's raining men.

I go, let's just double down. Yeah. Let's double down. You got to do twice. One of my ones that I used for a long time was i came up to hello by adele hello and i would play the whole fucking thing and i remember sold out in vegas at the mirage rest in peace mirage we love you she gone and uh i came up the crowd was so confused and then i would walk into the crowd and touch people.

And I would walk through the crowd and just, hello. And the crowd's like, and I would go back on stage and I'm like, okay, we're good. And I'm like, how many people are really confused right now? And then the crowd would laugh right away because they're like, yeah, what the fuck? Actually, a good version would be you go, all right, let's get the show started, and then right away, hello, start it all over again and do it again. Don't fucking tempt me, dude. I want you to do it so bad.

My other favorite thing is intros. So like my openers, or even when I'm doing just like the improv or whatever, and they'll be like, what do you want us to say, or the MC? And I'm like, I don't care. And I'll be like, say, this want us to say? And I'm like, I don't care. And I'll be like, say, this is one of my go-tos. I go, say I'm the writer, star, and director of Avatar. And I use that so many times.

And the crowd's like, what the fuck? Because there's a couple people that might think you are. They're like, was he an avatar? He was an avatar, I bet. No, it's amazing. My friend Chad Zumach opens for me, too. And he always just has like a roulette of fucking intros. So one time he brought me up.

He goes, this next comic. He goes, the writer. It's always a writer, star, and director. I always make sure that's part of it. He goes, the writer, star, and director of Officer and a Gentleman. Which, that's a deep cut. That is. That's an 80s movie with Richard Gere.

Yeah. And again, the crowd was like, what is going on right now? The couple nights ago, a girl was hosting, and she goes, what do you want me to say? And I said, oh, it's okay. Just nothing. Just whatever. Just say, this next comic, you're going to love hosting, and she goes, what do you want me to say? And I said, oh, it's okay. Just nothing. Just whatever. Just say this next comic. You're going to love them, blah, blah, blah.

And she goes, come on. Give me something. I go, I mean, say known Holocaust denier. Just say that. And she stopped for a second, and she was like, do you know? And I was like, please don't do that. No. You know I'm – please don't do that.

But then for a second, I thought, I should let her do it. Just to have her do it. Oh, my God. You totally should have. I know. But she got nervous, and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable. She felt... I was like, oh, I'm just kidding.

It's okay. Please just say next comedian. I was like, please don't get up there. That's hilarious. This guy's a known Holocaust denier. Ladies and gentlemen. Crowd's like, oh. Oh.

Oh. One guy in the back. Right on. like, oh. One guy in the back, ride on! Yeah, motherfucker! Let's dance! Fucking ginger! So one of my favorite moments, I did the tour with Sandler, Spade, and Rob Schneider. Boo!

They're all trash. They'll get discovered. Yeah, one day. Let's have a moment of silence. Praise him. Lobby B. Bobby's alternate drag ego. So we did a show and Rob would host.

So Rob goes, what do you want me to say? And I go, just say Grandma's Boy and just go with it. It's fine. So he goes on stage, and he goes, this next comic, he was in the closet in Grown Ups. Nick Swartzen. First of all, my character was in the closet in Benchwarmers,

and I wasn't in Grown Ups. I was in Grown Ups 2. So he just botched the whole thing. So the next show, I told Adam, I was like, I wasn't like annoyed. I didn't care that much. But I was like, hey, can I host the next one? And Adam goes, yeah, why? And I go, Rob, fuck my intro up.

And he goes, okay. And he goes, hey, Rob, Nick's going to open the next one. And he goes, oh, no. And I go, yep. oh no and i got yep so i went on rob's imdb and pulled up his like weirdest credits so i go on stage i go this next comic you know him from surf ninjas down periscope and judge dread whole crowd's like who in the fuck is this? And I was like, Rob Schneider. Rob walks on stage.

He's laughing so hard he's crying. He's just like, oh, my God. He's like, that was the best. But he's in all those movies. He's in all those movies. Wait, Judge Dredd, was that Stallone? Yeah. Yeah, I remember that movie. It was Stallone and- Who was the girl? Wesley Snipes. Am I wrong on that? Wasd was that? Stallone? Yeah. Yeah, I remember that movie. It was Stallone and... Who was the girl?

Wesley Snipes? Am I wrong on that? Was he in that? It was Stallone and Armand Asante. Armand Asante. Armand Asante. Diane Lane. Diane Lane.

That's right. Diane Lane. Oh, Diane Lane. Oh, no. Snipes was in Demolition Man? Yes. Okay, that's what I'm thinking. Down Periscope and what was the other one?

Surf Ninja? Surf Ninjas. But it was, again, just the look on the crowd's face of like, who could this be? Who is this guy? Are these real things? But Rob loved it. He's such a good sport. When you guys do time together like that, how much time does everybody do?

We started off, this was so bonkers. So at the beginning of the tour, Adam was working on his sets like six years ago. He would do, god, he did so much. He did like two hours and 20 minutes. And then me and Rob and David

would do 20 minutes each. And then Norm would jump on and do like 15. So the show was so long. And I was like, Adam, this is like too much. Yeah. So he was like, oh, yeah. So he cut our time to like, he would have like two openers then.

So it would be like me and Rob or me and David, and we would do like 10 minutes. So like he cut it down. So it was just like, that's too much comedy. Like I don't know if you went to, did you ever doball no but i heard all about that my fucking god it's like five anybody out there it i mean it was fun but it was like it started at like two in the afternoon and it went to like midnight yeah that's insane why would you ever you don't know one ever needs that much too much comedy well people are coming and going.

People have to go eat. Like, at some point, people have to eat a meal. Yeah, you have to deliver a baby. I don't know what's going on at that point. What a fucking nightmare. No, I never did that. But all those, like, lengthy festivals, it's exhausting. They're too much.

They're exhausting. It gets, oh, you get tired. You're like, I don't, this is the 50th show today. Yeah, no, it's like, every topic has been talked about. Yeah, you get tired. You're like, I don't, this is, this is the 50th show today. Yeah. No, it's like, every topic has been talked about. Yeah, it's over. Yeah, like. Have you done Fringe, Edinburgh, Fringe Festival?

I've never been to Europe. What? You've never even. I've never been to Europe. Wait, why? Why? Because I had a horrible fear of flying, like debilitating. I know.

It was really bad. I'm really claustrophobic. So, like, I can't take elevators. Like it's my, my biggest fear is elevators. So when you, you have to have ground floor. I have to have ground floor or stair access unless it's like, you know, like certain venues like Vegas is tricky, but I mean, you can get ground floor at Mirage, rest in peace. RIP. But, um,, you can get ground floor at Mirage. Rest in peace. R.I.P.

But, yeah, I fuck elevators. Dude, I got stuck on an elevator one time. This is why. With my friend Jay Galvin. Love you, Jay. Jay Balvin, he means the musician. Jay Balzac. We in the elevator.

We in the elevator. We in the elevator. We in the elevator. So I was staying at a Ritz Carlton. Name drop. Fancy, fancy. Owned by Marriott, so slow down. You know what I mean?

Okay. All right. Bon Voy. Shut up. So anyway, like hotels like that, they don't have like casual stair access. No. Excuse me. So I'm in the elevator with my friend Jay.

He knows about my fear. So I have to take the elevator. So this is a real story. Elevator all of a sudden, like Law and Order. So I fucking, a second goes by, and I fucking rip the doors open.

No! You always hear those stories, but when you get that Hulk strength, if a car falls on your baby, and when you get like that Hulk strength, if like, you know, a car falls on your baby and a mother's like... So the fucking elevator stops. I rip the doors open, and Jay can attest to this.

I rip the doors open, and luckily we're like halfway to the lobby, and I go, just go, man! Jump! Jump! Now! Go! And Jay's like, Nick, what the fuck, man? And I'm like, just go, man! Just go!

I turn to Bill Paxton. Oh, man! Just go! So we both dive roll into the lobby. You ripped open the door and he jumped through. And Jay was like, what in the fuck? I was shaking. I was like, oh my god. And he's like, dude, we could have fucking died. You should, you should now get all the Bonvoy points.

You should be Bonvoy king now. They should let you stay at a Marriott for free for the rest of your life. What if I just changed my stage name to Bonvoy? Bonvoy. Bonvoy. Yeah. Bonvoy, Bonvoy. Or two names.

Bonvoy. Bonvoy. Ooh. Bonjour. Bonjour. Hey, Bonvoy. Oui, oui. So now you never will take an elevator ever again.

I mean, unless I really fucking have to. I know you're afraid of flying. I knew this, but I didn't know about the elevator thing. I thought you just hated planes. I didn't know the claustrophobia. I think you just loathed planes. No, I took a small plane one time, and it freaked me out. Where?

Where was it? I was going from minneapolis to i believe grand rapids like a jet a private jet no no it was just like a commuter flight right and i was wicked hungover wicked hungover because that's how we roll in minnesota and i remember i was just sweating and i was sitting it was a window seat and the seat next to me was empty and then the plane was about to like close the doors and all of sitting, it was a window seat and the seat next to me was empty and then the plane was about to like close the doors and all of a sudden it was like, ah, we got one more.

It's like a fucking scene out of a movie. This heavyset older man walks down the aisle and I'm like, oh, ah, fuck. Here we go. And he sits down next to me and I'm like, like against the window. So I'm like, okay, just breathe. You know what I mean?

Just breathe. So I just start talking to him, and he's like, hey, what are you up to? I'm like, oh, I'm going to do a stand-up gig. And he's like, oh, cool, yeah, I'm going back home. I'm like, yeah, okay, cool. And I just go, stop. Stop.

And I could tell this guy realized it was because he was heavyset and just squishing me into the window and I was panicking so the stewardess comes over she's like are you okay and I'm like nope and I go I just need to breathe I need to get up and he's like okay so I am standing in the aisle everyone's staring at me and i'm like and i sit back down and then i just called an audible and i just go nope let's go get me off this plane and they were like are you sure and i'm like yeah get me get me off and i just felt so bad for this man he's so sweet but i just knew he i'm sure he just felt bad he does a tiktok he's like a guy fat shamed me today on a flight to Grand Rapids. Yeah. Didn't want to sit next to me because of my weight.

Meanwhile, you're just having crippling anxiety about fucking claustrophobia. Yeah, horrible anxiety. Panic attack. This is really mean, but my childhood best friend, Sean, used to have real bad claustrophobia. So on purpose, I would trap him in places where I knew he'd be. Oh my God, that's so nice of you. I would do it all the time. I can't wait to travel with you.

Let's go to Europe. Wait, so you couldn't. I'm on a submarine. Well, you couldn't. You've never flown anywhere. How do you get down to Florida when you go to Florida? You don't drive. No, I mean, like, I can do.

I mean, I could go to Europe now. But, like, I've been been offered Australia and stuff like that. That's far. But like I couldn't, I mean, you know, if I went to Europe, I would go to New York. Yeah. Do a day there and then go like, what's New York to London? Seven? I don't know.

No, it's five. Four and a half, five. Oh, okay. Yeah, I could do that. That's easy. Five there, five there. Yeah, but like Australia, like there's no fucking way. It's forever i want to go to australia australia i love you but like i could i would have to go to like hawaii stop in hawaii stop in tahiti you could do a double stop stop in

atlantis isn't that like a city under the ocean yeah you can stop underwater yeah you can land you take a canoe you could i could i could canoe it you could boat you could boat you take a canoe? You could. I could canoe it? You could boat. Can you take a jet ski to Japan? Take a five-month boat ride around the world. I'm not joking. I thought about that. Just taking a boat to Europe? Yeah.

And just going the long way? Like your grandfather did to get over here? I'm paying homage to my grandfather. You started Ellis Island and go backwards. Have you done the cruise stuff? Have you done cruise shows? I love cruise shows. You started Alice Island and go backwards. You've never, have you done the cruise stuff? Have you done that, like cruise shows? I love cruise shows. You do. Yeah, I'm friends with the band Train.

Oh, right, and they did one. And 311, so I've done both those cruises. It's phenomenal. I got into a fight with Bill Burr about it because he's like, nah, cruise ships, fuck you. I fucking love cruise ships. You don't fucking drive. You can eat whenever you want. There's booze everywhere. You don't fucking drive. You can eat whenever you want.

Yeah. There's booze everywhere. I don't know. There's karaoke. Do you like trivia? I don't know. Maybe there's comedy. Yeah.

What the fuck? But see, I am not claustrophobic, but cruise ships feel claustrophobic to me. I've heard people say that because they're like, oh, you can't get off. Yeah. And the people, like so many people everywhere gives me anxiety. I don't want to be like festivals.'re like, oh, you can't get off. Yeah, and the people, like so many people everywhere gives me anxiety. I don't want to be, like festivals, oof, nope, no thank you. Anywhere where there's a lot of people, I get public claustrophobia. If there's a lot of humans, I don't like it. Yeah, but cruise ships aren't that claustrophobic.

It's not like Coachella or something. But you can't get away. You're either in your room or you're amongst people. There is no like. Yeah, but there's so many distractions, so you don't like really think about it. Right, you're just. Also, just fucking go overboard. like... Yeah, but there's so many distractions so you don't like really think about it. Right, you're just... Also, just fucking go overboard. Jump.

Yeah, bye. There was a kid that jumped and he... The kid that just jumped, how long ago was that? The kid just jumped off. A kid meaning what? A teenage guy,

a teenage boy jumped off the side of a cruise ship. On purpose? Yeah, I think he was doing a... I don't know if it was a prank. One month ago? A month ago. What happened to that?

Did he die? He jumped off the side. He died. But people do live. That's even worse. They jump and they live. They're fucking around, goofing off. They slip.

Their new boot goofing? Their new boot goofing. He died. But he died. The kid. Rest in peace to the child. I don't know how old he is, but... Was he doing a TikTok or something?

Yeah. He's like, this one's going to go viral, dude. He just keeps saying it was the world's largest cruise ship. Yeah, he kept dabbing on the way down. He dabbed on the way to his death. Bah, bah, bah, bah. And then that's his eulogy. Yeah.

You know what? Gary died how he wanted to. Dabbing into the seawaters. Most of this is just kind of advertising the cruise ship. It says it's square footage. Yeah, yeah. It's got's square footage. Is it Carnival or was it Royal Caribbean?

They have the icon of the sea. It is the icon of the sea. That's the biggest one in the world. That's how much I know about cruise ships is I fucking nailed it. The icon of the sea. Yeah, it's incredible. I think that's the one that has like a Central Park. Literally Central Park and they have a Ferris wheel. It's insane. It's funny if the crimes that happen a Central Park, like literally a Central Park, and they have like a Ferris wheel.

It's like insane. It's funny if the crimes that happen in Central Park happen also on the cruise ship. Yeah, they do. There's muggers. Yeah, they hired me as a robber. Are there still robbers? Is that a thing?

Yeah, there's still robbers, but they don't wear those masks anymore, those funny cute masks like they did in cartoons. Yeah, no, they just wear COVID masks. Oh. Too soon. Too soon, dude. Hey, whoa, man. Slow down, cartoons. No, they just wore COVID masks. Too soon. Too soon, dude. Hey, whoa, man.

Slow down, bro. Hey, brother. In here, we pour whiskey. Life is unpredictable. You don't know what's going to happen. And that's kind of the beauty of it. But you've got to protect your loved ones in minutes with Ethos. It's affordable life insurance that's quick, easy, and all done online with no medical

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Do it with me. Trust me. With you, I would, honestly. But it's just you and I. Not Bobby. No. Fucking Bobby. Holy shit.

God. Can you imagine? What do I do? God. What a broken? What do I do? God. A broken record that Asian is. I want to buy him. I can say that he's one of my oldest friends. Yeah, we can say whatever we want about that guy.

He's a scumbag. Love Bobby very much. Hate him. I want to get him a hamster wheel so bad. I did a gig with him and Pauly Shore in Edmonton at a comedy festival. Yeah. And hanging out with those guys in a day was exhausting. Sup, dude?

Yeah. Let's go. It was just like, where's the strip club? Yeah, both of them. I was like, you guys, can we just get lunch? No. You can't just get lunch. You got to have an adventure. Yeah, can the lunch not be pussy?

Is that possible? Liquid death. No, I love both of them very much, but it was exhausting. It was like having two children. Well, that's the problem is going on tour with comedians is fun, but also it's exhausting. Doing your own tour is so much better, which Nick is doing in the fall. Oh, yeah.

Toilethead. NickSwarzen.net for tickets. Whole new hour. Whole new hour. Because his new hour is out right now on YouTube. Please go watch it. We'll put the link in the description. Make Joke From Face.

Make Joke From Face. A very, very good old friend of ours, friend of the show and the family. So please go watch it right now on YouTube. Leave a comment. What would you like people to comment down below? I'm sure they're going to say, like, I look like shit. You look like shit, so please say that. And I'm old.

Please say that. That's my favorite. Like, I don't read comments, but sometimes I do. And people are like people like dude you looked way different in grandma's boy i'm like yeah that was 20 fucking years ago i'm almost 50 yeah and i dress like a roadie for blink 182 i don't fucking care although you know who does look the same who is joel david moore yeah he kind of does he looks identical he was my old neighbor well he's that's a baby blood drinker.

That's different. He's plugged into the system. He's a Hollywood elite. Yeah, he's drinking baby blood. He gets packages every day. Wow, and IV. Yeah, a nurse comes over and administers baby blood to him. Abortion powder.

Wow. He gets all the placenta. Yeah, he's big on that stuff. No, Joel and I were old neighbors, and I'd run into him, and I was like, God, he looks the exact—he hasn't aged a little bit. It's so strange. I wonder what his little secret is. He hasn't aged.

You think he's happy? Yeah, Joel's very happy. That's his secret. Yeah, I love Joel. That's the irony. He was an avatar. You joke about it. I remember seeing Avatar.

So Joel David Moore, for those of you listening, was in the movie Grandma's Boy. Phenomenal. Which I made with Adam Sandler and Alan Covert. And I remember he played the robot guy. And I created that character. Sit on my face. So I remember seeing Avatar and Joel's in Avatar. And I remember being in the theater.

And I just overheard people going, is that the robot guy from Grandma's Boy? That's the robot guy. And that just brought me so much joy. Do you ever have someone recognize you but mistake you for someone that you're not? But they know they recognize you because they think they they're like, I recognize you. Are you the and then they mistake you for another guy? No, they'll go, this is a common move. They'll go like, hey, man, you look familiar.

I'm like, yeah. And they go, did you, what high school did you go to? Oh, yeah. Like that type of thing. I've gotten that. And I'm like, I don't know, where'd you go? And they're like, yeah, I went to like Lincoln Prep or whatever. And I'm like, yeah.

Yeah. That was me. You know, Mr. Johnson? um i don't know where'd you go and they're like yeah i went to like lincoln prep or whatever and i'm like yeah yeah yeah you know mr johnson and they're like yeah like i'll just go with it the science science teacher he died last year you didn't hear about that tragic accident a beaker exploded oh no a beaker in his butt yeah because that's what we used to do yeah but beaker boy but beaker and we praise him i got the other day I got Who do you get? I got the guy Rosie O'Donnell? Yeah, usually her. Typically. Or Kathy Griffin. I got the guy from, what's the Seth McFarlane space show?

The Orville? Orville. There's a guy on Orville and this girl at the bar the bartender goes. Scott Grimes? Scott Grimes. This girl goes, hey you look familiar. I'm sorry. I don't know you, right? And I said, this girl goes hey you look familiar i'm sorry i don't know you right and i said no no i don't think so i don't think we know each other she goes oh dude are you on orville are you the guy on orville i was like it's just a redheaded guy i was like yeah that's uh own it that's me yeah that's me own it and then fucking uppercut her

vagina let me see what does he look like yeah he's just a redheaded guy that's me. Own it and then fucking uppercut her vagina. Let me see. What does he look like? He's just a red-headed guy. That's so racist. Yeah, that's racist. That does look exactly like me. Actually, that is not. It's actually closer than I thought.

Yeah, that's not far off. I got Shane Gillis the other day. No way. You don't look anything like Shane Gillis. I don't know. Maybe in a bizarro land. I love Shane. I think sometimes people know comics.

They're familiar with the comedy world, and they just have someone on their mind. Right. Are you Shane Gillis? Chris Rock, I get. You get that sometimes. Not as much now. Not as much. But back in the day, you said it all the time.

Yeah. Or Crack Rock. His younger brother crack rock one of his nine brothers yeah he has he has all and by the way all of his brothers are so funny i don't think tony's great charade's great everyone's funny yeah they're great jordan yeah it's almost like how did they get that many people that in a family of comedians is there another one is there another crew of comedy family comedians oh well the mannings peyton manning eli's not eli gave up he does sketch now not not stand up is that true yeah and what's the third one gary or barf barf manning no Manning. No, his name is... Al Fanning? No, it's

Peyton, Eli, and what's his name? Cooper. Cooper. Yeah. Archie Manning is the dad. Yeah. Cooper has the best name out of all of them. Cooper. And apparently he was like a super phenomenal athlete. He was supposed to be a superstar. Cooper's Cooper?

Cooper's Cooper. He hurt his neck. Who am I trying to think of? There's another fan. Oh, isn't... The Wayans Brothers. Oh, yeah, Wayans. They're all good. The Marx Brothers.

No, dude. The Marx Brothers. Too soon. Fuck you. Too soon. Shut up. What the fuck, man? Dickhead.

What about... The Wayans are great. Marlon's a good friend of mine. Love him very much. Doesn't... See a haunted house. Me and Marlon Wayans. Why can't I think of the name? There's somebody I know that's very popular whose brother is a writer too.

Gaffigan? No. Brian Regan? Regan and his brother. Regan's brother does comedy, right? Dennis is fucking hilarious. They're both hilarious. I would say pound for pound, people listening, Brian Regan's brotherhead does comedy, right? Dennis is fucking hilarious. They're both hilarious. Right, right, right. That's right. I would say pound for pound, people listening, Brian Regan, for decades, makes me laugh more than anybody. Yeah, he is. He's maybe one of the funniest comics.

Brian Regan is so funny. He is. Yeah. But, like, seriously, like, even at this point, he's still fucking bonkers hilarious. He doesn't get enough credit. Look at Brian Regan. Regan's the man.

I went out with him in, we're in Philly. You dated? We were out in Philly. Yeah, for like an hour. You went out with him in we're in philly i think you dated we're out in philly yeah for like an hour with him yeah for like an hour and a half okay that's cool we went out in philly and had a night dude he can party he's so much fun he's so much fun and we went out in madison same thing and madison is like a strap in get wasted town that town is such madison's like let's fucking dance my brother brother, John Swartzen, phenomenal singer-songwriter out of Minneapolis, Jay Silverdust on Instagram, he went to Madison. And I'll never forget going to visit him at college with me and my family.

And it was Halloween, which I guess is like Armageddon there. Oh, yeah. Or Shartmageddon. Can I say that? Yeah, you can here. Yeah, it's youtube the the fucking street i'll never forget this the street was covered in broken glass from beer bottles and it looked and i'm again i'm not joking it looked like snow it was that much glass it was fucking

insane yeah and i turned to my brother and i was like 16 at the time, and I go, what's happening? What's going on here? And he goes, I don't even know anymore. Just had the look of like, just like, he barely graduated. It was just. Madison and Ann Arbor were the two towns when I visited schools that I was shocked at how hard they party. We were walking up to the big house in Michigan, and we were maybe 16, me and my buddy Tyler, 15 or 16, and

frats were like, you walk past all those frat houses and they're like, dude, come chug one! And then, of course, we were with my buddy's mom, and she was like, do not go over there. Do not go over there. And we were like, we won't, we won't, we won't. And then we walked to the stadium. She's like, I gotta go to the bathroom. We gotta go to the bathroom we gotta go to the bathroom she's like okay come right back and we ran over

to one of those frat houses they were giving us beer like chunk of the lawn dude smash on your fucking head oh my god they're animal do that that city that ann arbor's animals too yeah chaos they are well the midwest is fucking insane yeah no one beats us at being lunatics huh no it's insane like it's it's so much drinking, but it's cartoonish. Yeah, my parents just came into town for the Fourth of July, and we ran out of booze like three or four times. And I was like, how is that even possible? I got so much.

I got more than you could ever need to consume. Like, you know those coolers with the rollers on them, like the stand-up coolers? Yes. Rollers? Yeah, we packed like six of those fucking things. Jesus Christ. I was like, when I spent my business manager call, he's like, what's going on over there?

Is everything okay? Your credit card's maxed out. Is it Barry Katz? Yeah, Barry Katz. Hey, what's up, man? What's up, Santino? I remember, I'll never forget this. Me and Greg Fitzsimmons went to a Notre Dame football game.

We were doing Zanies in Chicago. And we went to a Notre Dame football game. We were doing Zanies in Chicago. And we went to a Notre Dame football game. And the tailgate, to this day, and I've seen fucking partying. To this day, the tailgate was one of the most aggressive things. And I'm talking 80-year-old Irish people chugging Jameson like it's fucking water at 7 in the morning. Maniacs. I was like, oh my god. Yeah. At seven in the morning. The maniacs. I was like, oh my God. Yeah, they go hard down there.

Yeah, it was crazy. Chicago is, I love Chicago so much. It's my home, baby. I know. We know. I miss it. Yeah. We fucking know, man.

Yeah, but the murders. We have a broken record. The murders. Yeah, people die. A lot. Yeah. You don't have that in Minneapolis. There's no murders like us.

Nobody dies in Minneapolis. They live forever. Yeah. You don't have that in Minneapolis. There's no murders like us. Nobody dies in Minneapolis. They live forever. Yeah. We're angels. We're blessed. But I remember going day drinking in Chicago on Rush Street. And I go to this Irish pub, of course. And I go in and I meet some fans.

And they're like, hey, Swartzy, fuck yeah. And I'm like, yeah, game on. And I don't do shots anymore, but back in the day I would. So they're like, you want to do a shot? I'm like, yeah, game on. I don't do shots anymore, but back in the day I would. So they're like, you want to do a shot? I'm like, yeah, okay. So I look over at their buddy. I can't remember his name.

Paul. It's called Paul. Yeah. And I go, hey, man, your buddy. This is like four in the afternoon. I go, hey, your buddy, I think he might be a little too drunk. And they're like, Paul? Are you kidding me?

Dude, Paul's gold, bro. He's nailing it right now. I'm like, no, I know drinking. Yeah, I think he's going to go down in flames. And they're like, no, you're wrong. So we do shots. All of a sudden, Paul, like minutes later, jumps up onto the bar table,

tries to do a backflip, and knocks himself out. And they were like, oh, fuck! Paul! I'm like, yeah, I think Paul's got to go now. They're like, yeah, you're right. And I'm like, yeah, I know. We should have listened, dude. Yeah.

Hey, Paul, wake up. I jumped off a bar. I've done that. You've never done this? No. I jumped off a bar. What used to be, what's the place that Jay Davis used to do shows at in West Hollywood? Dublin's?

No, no. Right after that. He did one on Melrose. It was called. Parlor Room? The Parlor. Yeah, the Parlor. Yeah, Parlor.

And there was like a wrap party there. And I got on the bar and I was tanked. And we were all laughing with all of our friends. And I was like, oh, we're going to crowd surf. I'm going to crowd surf. Everybody was like a wrap party there, and I got on the bar, and I was tanked. And we were all laughing with all of our friends, and I was like, Oh, we're going to crowd surf. I'm going to crowd surf. Everybody was like, do it. And I jumped, and everybody moved. Oh, no.

And I just fucking bounced off the floor, too. Terrible idea. It was great, dude. I got right back up. I was fine. I was fine only because I was in my 20s. You can do that in your 20s. You can bounce.

Your 30s, you bounce less. You can do that. Your 40s, you die. 40s, you die. Yeah, you pass. But from 20 to 28, you can bounce off the grounds, you bounce less. You can do that. Your 40s, you die. 40s, you die. Yeah, you pass. But from 20 to 28, you can bounce off the ground. You'll be all right. But it's one of those things, like I'm 47 years old, and I think back about those days,

and people that can relate that are older, when you think back about your 20s, I'm like, oh my God, how the fuck, how did I make it through that? Yeah. Like when people are like, you're old to me. And I'm like, no, I fucking made it. Yeah.

Oh, I'm old? I'm like, good God, I've gone to hell and back. The amount of times I think I should have accidentally died. I jumped in the bed of a pickup truck in Matamoros, Mexico,

crossing the border to South Padre Island, Texas. A guy we just met at the bar, who's like, you guys want a ride? And I was like, yeah. He's like, get on in. And we packed in the back of his pickup truck.

And we're going like 85 on a bridge over the water. And multiple times I was like, oh, I die, right? This is how I die. I die on the bridge into Mexico. This is the worst fucking idea. Yeah, that's aggressive. Stupid. It was so dumb.

So dumb. Well, I mean, anytime you can survive the back. I mean, I remember, like, in the Midwest, the back of a pickup truck. And I think back, I'm like, oh, no. So stupid. Hey, there's a party at a farm. You want to just drink fucking gay farts? They served gay farts out there?

Yeah. Or field parties with kegs. Did you go to those? Field parties? Field parties, for sure. Or like bonfires. Ah, that's the best. Where someone's like, dude, you know what?

I'm going to run through it. I always have like... Dude, I used to hop trains growing up. What, were you a hobo? Yeah, literally. Me and my friends would hop trains. Just to take it to wherever? And then we would get shot at.

It's a true story. What? In the caboose, they would have salt rock, like, shotguns. And we would hop trains to go from St. Paul to Minneapolis. It was fucking so reckless. And then we would hop off the train, and then the caboose guy would be like, and he would shoot my friend, JR. He got shot in the butt.

With a salt rock shotgun? Salt rock, yeah. Does it hurt? I don't know. I never got shot, but he said it was wicked painful. It's like shards of salt into your butt. I mean, anything into your butt. Not everything into your butt.

Poop is fine. Maybe a penis. If it's Halloween. Just ask Bobby Lee. A Halloweener. That's Nobby Lee. That's his new nickname. Nobby Lee.

You've never been on the road with Bob. Well, I did Edmonton, but no. It's the weird... It's like... It's the worst. It's really hard for me it's the fucking worst but it's funny because i pine for him when i'm not with him on the road like i you know i'm taking a couple people on the road for this next tour but he is the most uh he's like the most fun because he i'd have no idea what's coming he surprises me every day and he's like the most fun because I have no idea what's coming. He surprises me every day.

And he's like OCD, right? I can't tell with Bobby. He likes things the way he likes them. He's real particular about his sleep time, does not want to be bothered, takes naps. I was going to say, doesn't he nap a lot? I remember in Canada he kept napping. He'll sleep until noon, eat, and then nap again, which is just another sleep at that point. It's not even a nap. He goes back to bed. Well, also, what are you exhausted from?

I mean, that body, it's going through a lot. The process. The machine is tired. It is a machine, and we're lucky to have it. Oh, yeah, we are. We'll be right back with more about Bobby Body Talk.

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Ginger. I like gingers. Welcome back to Bobby Body Talk. Bobby Body Talk. On this episode. Will that be your fifth podcast with him? Bobby Body Talk. Bobby Body Talk. On this episode. Will that be your fifth podcast with him? Bobby Body Talk? We have proposed.

How many pods do you have? 16. 69. Just two. This one and that one. We got proposed to do a diet program for him. Do you remember that? They gave it.

They were like, there was this weight loss program, and they were like, we want to put him on it and track his progress. And they were like, they're like, we'll pay for for the trainer they'll pay for the session they'll put they like they they said they'd pay for everything like in-home training all this stuff and i was like that sounds kind of cool and they'll track it we'll see like if we can get you in shape yeah bobby's not doing not even a little bit no no chance said no fucking way yeah but i was like they come to your house like obese yeah no that obese. Yeah. No, he's not. He's not obese. Clinically, yeah.

Bobby's thick. It's hard. Yeah, it's hard. Rock hard. His gut is hard. His gut is hard. His gut is erect. Let's just say. It's fully hard.

His gut is fully erect and hard. No, he didn't want a trainer in his house. Do you have a trainer? No, I don't have a fucking trainer. Do you go to the gym? No. You just walk? I walk everywhere. I try to to get 10 000 steps a day that's it that's all you do for exercise yeah have you always done that no because i can't fucking see anymore so i lost my vision during covid god bless yeah so many blessings yeah but how much no you told me what

percentage i used to play fucking tennis basketball like everything what percentage of vision. But I used to play fucking tennis, basketball, like everything. What percentage of vision is gone? I mean, it's like half and half. You're 50% blind now. I mean, I can't drive. I can't play basketball. I can't play tennis. I can't play fucking ping pong. I can't play pool.

Nothing? I can't do shit. No hand-eye coordination stuff. I mean, not really, no. I tried to play tennis the other day. By the way, I was second ranked in St. Paul, Minnesota when I was 12 years old. No chance. Yep. You were that good?

Yeah, I was nasty. Singles, doubles? Singles. Wow. What happened? My parents got divorced, and I was like, oh, what's this thing? What is it, marijuana? Sign me up.

And then I sold drugs. So did I, yeah. That's so much fun. It's amazing. I'm blessed. My parents got divorced before then, but I found drugs in high school and I couldn't. That was, that was the end of sports. Yeah.

I mean, I feel like that's how it goes. Yeah. I feel like, you know. You find weird. You're an athlete and you're like, hmm. But what if, what if I do this and don't have to run? What if I get stoned and sit down? Which is funny because I can't do drugs at all.

I was at a party the other day, and all my friends are my same age, like late 40s, 50s. And people were on mushrooms. People were doing coke. I was like, how the fuck? Who still does that? Everyone's doing drugs again. I feel like it's a new revolution. Which is psychotic because fentanyl is everywhere.

So, like, why the fuck would you even do that? But you're not going to get fentanyl on mushrooms, are you? I don't know. Is that a thing? I don't know. The kids know. Fentanyl? It's in there.

For sure. It could be in fucking toilet paper. I don't know. I don't trust anything. I don't trust this microphone. You don't use toilet paper anymore? No. I'm a baby wipe guy.

I pay a homeless guy to eat my ass. Yeah, like a fucking real American. Fuck, man. Where are they finding fentanyl? Are they finding it in mushrooms now? I feel like it can seep its way into stuff. Not in mushrooms. Thank God.

Thank God. I do actually like mushrooms once in a while. Dude, I can't do anything. Nothing? I don't like it, no. Why? Because you feel your eye control? Which became national news.

But yeah, I take edibles and then I drink. Oh yeah, talk about that edible experience. I mean, I love edibles. How much did you take when you had that blunder? That was such a blunder. But also like, and I hate talking about it cause it's like ad nauseum at this point, but it's like, yeah,

I was in 9,000 feet altitude. I was in the best mood. I was starting monster tour club dates in the spring. And I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna have a couple of cocktails in Colorado. Somebody's like, Hey,

do you want edible? I'm like, yeah, let's fucking go. And then brain diarrhea on stage total brain fart it was so embarrassing but like i could have maybe kept going i don't know you look like you were having fun i was having a blast but i was just completely and it was my whole new set so it's like i didn't have my set list with me so whatever how much time my apologies to be for how much time did you do

i think i don't know 20 cool that's like what bobby does regular he does 24 yeah literally in my set list with me, so whatever. How much time did you do? My apologies to Beaver Creek. How much time did you do? I think, I don't know, 20? Cool. That's like what Bobby does regular. He does 20 full. Yeah, literally. Bobby does 20 sober. Yeah, that's his full set.

How many milligrams was it? Do you remember? God, I don't, which I think that was a problem. Yeah, because I've got to know what I'm taking. When I take an edible, I have to be very aware. That's my problem. That's why I don't like them. With a joint, I know I can take a hit.

I can take two hits. I can take two hits. I can take three hits. I know where I stand. Inedible, I have zero idea. Well, that's why I normally take them at night before I go to bed. Yeah, they're sleep aids for me. Yeah, they're sleep aids. I'll pass it. You have sleep aids.

You have day aids. And I'll just play with my dog until I go to bed. Oh, my God. It's the best. That's my favorite thing. I love dogs. Honestly, getting stoned and playing with my dog is the greatest thing on earth because you can have full conversations with them you could i have full conversations with her and she'll sit there and kind of look at me and almost

respond sometimes you know she'll give me a couple throwbacks and i'll laugh my wife will think i fucking lost my mind but you can connect with the dog when you're on edibles. I love dogs. My biggest obsession right now is Instagram dog videos. Oh, the ones that make you cry? Both. Yeah. And cats. Actually, animals. The monkey right now, it's like, oh, no.

Have you seen that one? No. Oh, my God. Game on. Or there's the dog that has, oh, God, it's like a black lab, I think. Careful. And there's, dog that has, oh, God, it's like a black lab, I think. Careful. And there's, no, a black lab. Careful.

No, it's a laboratory with black people. Science. It's a black lab, and it's like boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. It says that? No, it's like that's the music, and then there's like whatever, like the meme or comment or whatever it is. But that's not their obsession. I like the ones that make me cry, like the meme or comment or whatever it is. But that's not their obsession. I like the ones that make me cry.

Like the emotional ones. I like the dog ones where you're like, oh my God. Yeah, I'll break down, dude. He knows he's coming home. Like have you seen the one where the dog runs to the little boy getting off of the bus and he jumps in his arms? No. Oh my God. I'll cry just thinking about it.

And it shows the progression of it over the years. It's like, oh my god, dude. Yeah. I didn't have a dog when I was a kid. I was so jealous of people that had dogs. I fucking didn't either. I grew up with cats. There's no love there.

Sociopaths. Yeah, they're lunatics. Or when the troops come home like a soldier and the dog sees them. Oh my god. That makes me cry every time. The cat sees him and he's just like, hey. The cat's like, um, here's a dead bird I killed. You want it?

No. No? Okay. Do you want to eat it? I'm going to take a shit in a box. My friend's dog came over two days ago and is a puppy. And she's so cute. And she eats her own poop. She's at this stage, which I know you went through for a while.

God. An hour ago. She'll, dude. And they warned us. They were like, she might eat you went through for a while. God. An hour ago. She'll, she'll. Dude. And they warned us. They were like, she might eat her own poop. So just be careful. Like, you know, like if you see her pooping, like grab her right after, get her away from it.

She was so fucking fast. Dude. The moment she shit, it was like, she like vacuumed. Oh my God. It was unbelievable. I started cracking up. Like when she ate the first one, I couldn't stop laughing. You started whacking off?

Yeah, I was whacking off. I couldn't stop laughing, so it was so hard to grab her because I was dying laughing watching her eat the poop. Oh, my God. And she inhaled it. It was so fast. But this is the thing. Some puppies do this. They say they'll get over it.

She seemed to like it, though. She was snacking. What if that was your fetish, though? Eating your own poop? No. Watching a dog eat their shit. Or a puppy. And you're just like, Hello, darkness. My old friend.

That's on your Hinge profile. Hey, what's up? I like traveling. Watching dogs eat their own shit. I like puppies showing poop sign up i'll fucking eat you out did you ever do dating apps you didn't do that shit no i never did i was just like yeah no i'm good it seems like a nightmare it just seems like it's so much easier to just jerk off it is way easier than like having a chat. Fucking weirdos and I don't know.

You don't know how you're going to get trapped into something. Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to end up in the back of a pickup truck eating my own shit. Headed to Mexico. Yeah, you don't know. That's why we pray. That's why. That's actually why. Anyway, Toilet Head this fall.

NickSwartzen.net. My set's fucking awesome. You're going to do two hours though You're going to put an hour out right now There's a fresh hour out right now And you're touring a brand new hour Is that the first time you've ever done that? That overlap? That's really close

Yeah, that's really close But I mean, during COVID I didn't work forever Nobody did So I just built up an hour And then just came up with another hour. I talk about Norm MacDonald. A lot of Norm stories.

One of my best friends. So, yeah, it's a great hour. Trust me. I wish I was friends with that guy. That's one of those guys where I wish I was friends with. Yeah, well, you weren't. I wasn't. I was.

Yeah. He never liked you that much, though. That's not true. At least he knew my fucking name Yeah, fucking Ronald McDonald Yeah, go build your house I will Build your fucking house Tell me a Norm story, give me your favorite Norm story

I've got a bunch I mean, one of my favorite ones I don't want to spoil them because I've got a handful that I tell on stage One of my favorite ones. I don't want to spoil them because I've got a handful that I tell on stage. One of my favorite ones is I was day drinking. It was one of my favorite things to do. Spoiler alert. And I go to the Belmont Bar in La Cienega in West Hollywood. And there's a triple header of baseball games.

So this is at noon. First game starts at noon. So I call up Norm and I go, hey, man, I'm going to watch baseball. Do you want to join me? And he goes, yeah, can you pick me up or what? And I go, no, I've already had a drink. I don't want to drink and drive. I don't like drinking and driving.

And he goes, and this is before Uber. And I go, just call a cab. You live a mile away. Just call a cab. And he goes, yeah, all right. So I watch first game. So baseball is like, what, two and a half three hours so no norm second game watch it no norm third game no norm so now it's nine o'clock at night no norm you're still there by the way i'm still there and i'm fucking

bonk smashed and uh so norm finally walks into the bar at like 930 and I'm leaving. And he goes, Hey, sorry to it. What are you doing? And I go, I'm fucking going home. Where have you been for fucking nine hours?

The fuck? And he goes, yeah, no, I was, I was doing laundry. I go, you was doing laundry. I go, you're doing laundry for nine hours?

What, do you run a fucking orphanage? You wear the same fucking sweatpants every day. And he's like, yeah, yeah. So you're leaving or what? And I'm like, yeah. He goes, yeah, you can't stay for like one more? I'm like, yeah, all right, fine. So I stayed for one more.

But I was like, it's like the most Norm thing. If you ever talk to Spade or anybody, Norm's stories are always like, you never know what's going on in his brain. You never knew if it was a bit or he was just a savant. Was it both? What was it? Was it what? Was it both? Yeah, I guess so. But was he doing a bit a lot of times?

I don't know. Why don't you ask him? He's dead. Well, call him up. Maybe I will. See, that would be the thing. I could call Norm right now and he would fucking answer. Hey, Swerdy, what's going on?

Every time I would call him, I'd be like, hey, Norm, what's up? He'd be like, who's this? And I'd go, it's fucking Nick. I'm like, hey, Norm, what's up? He'd be like, who's this? And I go, it's fucking Nick. I'm like, what? And he goes, ah, Swarty, what's up? And I go, do you know my number saved in your phone? And he goes, nah, how do you do that? And I go, you fucking, you saved the number.

You put it in your phone. My Nick, my friend, one of my best friends. Like, what the fuck? Was he a guy that would remember, like, a birthday, though? Would he do something like throw you off? He could remember, like, weird shit. Yeah. That's where he was, like, kind of Saban-ish.

Where, like, he was a big sports fan. So he was a big gambler. Yeah. So he would, like, know numbers. And, like, he's, like, one time he goes, yeah, so i i figured it out and i go what what'd you figure out and he goes that gambling i'm gonna bet the wnba because the line it always covers and i'm like okay congrats yeah crack the code code. You solved it? You solved gambling. Did he ever try to get you

into sports gambling? No. Because you love sports. I mean, I was never... People, you know, with gambling, you learn pretty quick if you're lucky. I remember when I was 18, I went to Mystic Lake Casino. Oh yeah, I've been there.

One of my favorites. Minnesota. But I was 18. Me and my friend Rob Reedy, my best friend from third grade. And when we turned 18, we got a tin of chewing tobacco and we went to a casino. And I was like busting tables at the time. I think Planet Hollywood. And we went to the casino

and I lost. Hold on. You used to work at fucking Planet Hollywood? I was a busboy. That's amazing. It was still my favorite job. That place was so fucking rad. They're not around anymore, right? Didn't they close them all down? No, I think they're all gone. God, it was so fun. Dude, they were so fun. It was such a great spot, man.

Theme restaurants are all gone. Kids will never get to enjoy, like, living inside of a movie and eating a meal. Yeah, no. It's fucking gone. No, it's insane. So you were busing there or what? So I was busing there. I remember this. This is a side story. When I first started stand-up, Acme Comedy Company in Minneapolis, the best club

ever, 1996, and I went to the open mic by myself, and I had my little journal, and I wrote in the journal, I wrote, I'm going to try stand-up for the first time, see how this plays out. Hopefully one day I'll be on the wall at Planet Hollywood. True story.

When I was busing there. Cut to, whatever it was, 15 years later, I got my hands and star Times Square Planet Hollywood for Bucky Larson. No way. Yeah, it was like the craziest thing. That is fucking beautiful. It was really cool. It's still

one of my highlights of my life go to mystic lake what happened oh yeah so mystic lake and i lost 800 playing blackjack when you're i was fucking 18 i just turned 18 so it's legal to gamble 800 bucks and i'll just never forget that feeling all your money that was catastrophic and like, oh, this is fucking horrible. Yeah. And I'll just never, and I've played Vegas a billion times. I don't, like, maybe I'll allot myself, you know, 500 bucks just to have fun. Played Pai Gao poker.

Shout out to Bobby. Pai Gao is great. Pai Gao is my favorite game. Or, like, roulette. Like, I'll just throw, like, you, a hundred bucks on my birthday or something. But just for... But outside of that, you never got hooked into that. No.

It's tough for me because I like it a lot. But I hear all the stories of all the other comics that have come and gone through the GoPlay because when you do the casino circuit... Oh, brutal. It's bad. Well, I've heard stories about guys... I don't know if these know it's true,

but I heard a Norm story where he would get... They didn't even write him the check. They gave him... You know, they put his check to the floor so he could gamble it yeah that's the worst that was so evil they used to do that to comics back in the day at casinos where they paid them in cash too be like yeah go downstairs if you want yeah yeah and we'll give you chips you know they give you credits you know right so yeah it's on your room so your check is on your room so you can just use it as as you as you may so then at that point it's it's fake it never happened yeah and comics have no self control they're just bonkers especially when there's booze and partying and there's girls

and people and unlimited food and drink i'm a sucker for gambling i don't have a bad habit of it but i do like it a lot like when i go to a casino i do bring cash i get excited and the only other time that like... The only time I've ever really lost bad was with that piece of shit. And he won big. What's the most you've lost? 180 grand, something like that.

Jesus fucking... No, I'm kidding. No, no, no. The most I've ever lost truly... A couple grand. Two, 25, 100,, truly, a couple grand. Two, twenty-five, a hundred, three grand, something like that. That's the most I've ever... And that's crazy, because I don't like gambling crazy big money.

I was, dude... I was in Vegas with a couple of guys. You know, we were there at the same time. And I don't know this guy, but he's a TV actor. He's done pretty well. And he was betting $5,000 hands. And I mean, stacks and stacks of chips of it.

And I thought, how are those fucking residuals? $5,000 hands like that to me is space. I don't even care how much money you have. Was it Rosie O'Donnell? You really want to know? Yeah. Do you really want to know?

I think we all want to know. It was Helen Mirren. And I was like, Helen, slow down. Oh, God. I don't know how you have all this cash, but slow down. I say, you haven't worked a lot recently. You know? I said, I go, HM, get away from the table.

Hey, Helen, your last name's Mirren, not Keller. Yeah, I said it too soon. We praise him. Yeah, when I would gamble with Dame Judi Dench, it was the same thing. Unbelievable. Just addicts. Just come on, Eileen.

Hey, since you said Grandma's Boy, which honestly is one of my favorite films of all time. I've told you that over the years. Being a friend of yours is hard to admit it. Will you ever write another one? No. Why not? We got offered it and I said no. Why?

I don't know. Comedy sequels, ironically, I'm doing Happy Gilmore 2. I know. I've asked you to get me in that three fucking times. I'm not going to ask you anymore. Yeah, you're the only person that's asked me to be in Happy Gilmore 2. Nobody else. How many? Nobody else. How many people in comedy do you know actually golf?

I'm the fucking guy. There's two putters next to you. I'm the only guy that fucking golfs. No! I'm the only fucking guy that golfs that's a comedian. If I don't get something in this, I will be mad. Spade golfs? You ever golf with Spade?

Yeah, I love Spade. But I'm better than him. A lot. He's not great. I will be mad. Spade golf? Yeah, I love Spadey, but I'm better than him. A lot. He's not great. I'm very good. I remember golfing with Spade in Vegas at Wynn's Casino. That's such a great course. Yeah, what is it called? Stonehenge or something? Shadow Creek? Well, it's called the Wynn course.

Shadow Creek is a course in Vegas, but Wynn has a course behind it. Okay, yeah, that's it. The Wynn, yeah. Spade and I were golfing, and we were just being really slow. And they were like, hey, they came over, and they're like, can somebody play through? And we're like, what? And they're like, yeah, that'd be great if you could just let this guy play through.

And we're like, okay, why are we being that slow? And they're like, yeah, also, it's Michael Jordan. And we were like. No, make him wait. Yeah, no, you don't make Michael Jordan wait. Did you watch him play? No, we couldn't look at him. Did he tell you not to?

No, no, no, no. No, he was super chill and just went through. And my favorite thing in his golf cart was Powder Blue Carolina Cadillac. How sick. Yeah, it was pretty sick. He's the coolest guy of all time. He's pretty cool. No, he's the coolest. He's pretty cool. He's the coolest guy of all time. He's pretty cool. No, he's the coolest.

He's pretty cool. He's the coolest. Don't be mad because you didn't have somebody like that growing up. Okay? He's the coolest. Have you met Rosie O'Donnell? Is she Minnesota born and raised? No. I don't even know why I'm jumping on that. You love her so much. I don't even know her. I've never even met her. Where's Rosie from? Look it up because I love her. Where is Rosie O'Donnell born and raised?

Comac, New York. I don't like it. Yeah, that sounds great. Long Island. Long Island. Yeah. That sounds great. Yeah, you can tell by the accent.

Long Island. Yeah, Rosie. Hey, Rosie! Whip your dick out! Why wouldn't you do a sequel to Grandma's for real, though? At this point, because it's been long enough. It's just so tricky. I mean, I thought about it, but I was like,

where do you go from here? I don't know where to go. You know what I mean? You're smart enough. You'd figure it out. I'm really smart. People doubt that, and they're wrong. Smart as fuck.

That's how I talk. That's how you know you're smart, when you can say you're smart as fuck. Smart as fuck. That's how I talk. That's when you know you're smart when you can say you're smart as fuck. Smart as fuck. Suck off! Yeah, that's how smart I am. I think you should do it for real. I don't know. We would have to get Jonah back.

Easy. Joel. Jonah's not going to want to do it. Joel maybe would do it. I don't know. Why wouldn't Jonah do it? He seems now in his career he would definitely do something like that. Because he's had all to want to do it. Joel maybe would do it. I mean, I don't know. Why wouldn't Jonah do it? He seems now in his career he would

definitely do something like that. Because he's had all these great accolades. Jonah's directing and he's doing other shit. Yeah, but that's a fun little side gig he does

and shoots it in three fucking days. He's in and out. Who cares? I would just need the premise. I don't know. We'll sit and we'll

think about it. I'll help you write it. We'll take it in the comments section. Tell us what you think it should be for Grandma's Boy 2. Grandma's Boy 2. Think about it comments section. Tell us what you think it should be for Grandma's Boy 2. Grandma's Boy 2. Think about it.

Can you tell us what you're playing in Happy Gilmore? No, you're not allowed to. I'm reading the script this week. You have it? You know my email, right? No, I'm getting it. I'm meeting with Sandler on Thursday. You know my email, right? You have my email? No, I don't. It's gimmethehappygilmore2script

at gmail.com. .org? No, I'm a.commer. I've always been a.com guy. It's gimmethehappygilmore2script at gmail.com Dot org? No, I'm a dot comer. I've always been a dot com guy. I know not you. You're a net guy. That's why it's nickswarzen.net Why dot net?

Somebody had dot com? I don't know. Somebody took dot com. That's so embarrassing. You can't buy it from them. I just went with it. I was just like, alright, I'll be dot net.

Yeah. Who has dot com? Look it up. Who has nickswarzen.com? They own the domain, but no one's doing anything with it. You can buy it for like $30 from them, I bet, if you want. I mean, it's too late at this point. It's too late to apologize.

Yeah, you've gone way too far. It's too late. To apologize. Does anybody have nickswarzen.gov? Yeah, he's a congressman. You know what I mean? That'd be amazing. No.

Okay. We've got to buy it. We'll put a word into Congress. We should get a hold of that site. With all the things going on in the world, I think that's the most important. It's NickSwordson.com. That would be amazing. Would you ever run for local Congress in Minnesota?

I thought about it. I swear to God. I thought about running for mayor of Minneapolis. Why wouldn't you? Why not? Seriously, why not? What could hold you back? Comedy. You barely do that.

What could really hold you back? NickSwartzen.net. Toilet head. No, seriously, why wouldn't you do that? I don't know what that would entail. It's nothing. Being a mayor, you don't do anything. You just wave?

Yeah, you hang out. Don't they just hang out most of the time? Doesn't everybody do everything for them and then they kind of like are the figurehead? I guess so. I don't know. Yeah, that's what I mean though. We would know if a mayor did something for real. I would just go to Vikings games and just wave naked. That's exactly what they want. Yeah. You put a little Viking horn on your little

penis. Yeah. And blow into it. Are you guys going to be good this year? Yeah, we're going to win the Super Bowl. That's a bold claim. It's funny, because I'm not delusional at all about Minnesota sports. We will win the Super Bowl, and the Timberwolves will also win the Super Bowl. Who's the WNBA team? The Lynx. And they will win the Super Bowl as Who's the WNBA team? The Lynx.

And they will win the Super Bowl as well, you think, or no? Yep. It'll come in second. Well, the Lynx are one of the biggest dynasties in WNBA history. Shut up. Shut your mouth. That's true. The Lynx are actually amazing. Yeah. How many championships have they won?

40,000. Really? Yeah. That's so impressive. Yep. That's not a wrong number. I'm Chicago. Didn't Chicago just win? Didn't they just win something? I don't know. I don't know. Aren't the Aces the number just win? Didn't they just win something? I don't know.

I don't think Ace is the number one team. Is that Vegas? Yes. It's got to be. Just historically, though, I think the Minnesota Lynx have more WNBA titles than anyone else. Wow. They have four championships in 2011, 2013, 2015, 2017. Yeah, we ran it back.

Yeah, but that's been a while since 2017. It's been a while. All right. Well, thank you ran it back. Yeah, but that's been a while since 2017. It's been a while. All right, well, thank you for having me. God bless Minnesota. God bless Nick Swartzen. Go to nickswartzen.net, not.com or.gov yet. We will work on both of those sites.

Toilet head this fall. Let's fucking dance. And also, please go watch Make Joe From Face right now on YouTube. Nick, look in that camera right there and say one word or one phrase to end the episode when you're ready, sweetheart. That's it. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse.

Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.