Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Nikki Glaser 2.0

Episode Date: September 11, 2020

Santino sits down with Nikki Glaser to chat about how she's a late bloomer, our favorite Greg Giraldo moment, how she loves living at home with her mom and dad, how she's quitting weed and then inevitably smokes again and she gives Santino's eulolgy ORDER SOME MERCH!!! https://www.andrewsantinostore.com GO TO www.andrewsantino.com FOR TICKETS Check out Nikki @You Up with Nikki Glaser SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! MANSCAPED - Clean up your face as well as beans and sausage https://www.manscaped.com Use promo code WHISKEY20 for 20% OFF DRAFTKINGS - Football is back baby!!! Go to www.draftkings.com and use promo WHISKEY SQUARESPACE - Help design your website today with amazing templates and the help of professionals https://squarespace.com/whiskey Use promo code WHISKEY for 10% off Join our Patreon : https://www.patreon.com/whiskeygingerpodcast Follow Santino on Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Whiskey Ginger Insta and Twitter: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeygingerpodcast/ & https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Whiskey Ginger Clips: http://www.youtube.com/c/WhiskeyGingerPodcastClips EDITING AND PRODUCTION DESIGN BY THE AMAZING WHISKEY GINGER TEAM JENNA SUNDE https://www.instagram.com/jenna_sunday/ JOE FARIA https://www.instagram.com/joseph_faria Y&S https://www.instagram.com/youngandsick/ Intro Music by Rocom: https://www.youtube.com/user/RocomTelevision Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

it's new it's blue and it was made for you introducing the thirst quenching summer berry starbucks refreshers beverage where natural berry flavors meet juicy bursts of raspberry flavored pearls it's our most beautiful drink yet so try it while you can only at starbucks what up whiskey ginger fans welcome back to the show this is your first time joining us like i always say please tell a friend let them know about the show. If this is your first time joining us, like I always say, please tell a friend. Let them know about the Whisk Ginge. This week, my guest is Nikki Glaser. I love Nikki.

She's the best. We've been friends for a long time. She's very talented, very funny. She's on the road, and we're on the road, too. Me and Chrissy D. Chrissy D., ladder 14. We are touring around the East Coast. We're doing four dates, October 8, 9, 10, 11.

We're doing Wilmington, Delaware, Butler, which is Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Scranton, Pennsylvania, and then Cape Cod, Massachusetts, dude. I'm so excited to do this. Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets. Also at andrewsantino.com is where you can find out the Patreon where I'm doing one-on-one Cheeto chats and all sorts of fun stuff there. That also has the link to our merch, which is andrewsantinostore.com. You can get some great stuff. This hat is no longer on there. That also has the link to our merch, which is andrewsantinostore.com. You can get some great stuff. This hat is no longer on there. The Red Rocket hat is down, dude. You got to grab stuff before they sell out, but go to andrewsantinostore.com to grab some of that cool merch that we've got, shirts and hats and highball glasses, and then go to andrewsantino.com if you want to

know about tickets to come see us while we're bouncing around the country while we still can. I'm excited. I can't wait to see you out there. Whiskey Ginger is brought to you in part by Squarespace. Squarespace is incredible. If you're looking for a new way to design a website from scratch and you don't know what you're doing, they have world-class templates by designers

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You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me five dollars for the whiskey and seventy-five dollars for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. I'm so glad to do it. I'm happy that you're here. I'll start it off right away just because I know you're

Yeah, I have a car coming at 6.15. Jesus fucking Christ, Nikki. You know? And by car I just mean my friend. I was just gonna say you have a car service? You mean like just someone you know from LA? Yeah. It feels better to say, I do have a car coming here. I wasn't lying. But it's a car of

someone you know. You're not that fancy. No, I mean, sometimes. No, you are that fancy. I am that fancy because I get production companies to pay for things that they should pay for. You know who they don't do that for? If I was promoting something right now, I would have figured out a way. I don't always do this,

but I would figure out a way for them to pay for my Uber to get me a car service because I'm promoting the thing that they want to be good, but I'm not promoting anything. You know who doesn't get to do that? Who?

Guys. What do you mean? Bullshit. Women in the business get so many of those perks. Give me a fucking break. They put me up in a Four Seasons. They put me up in the Schengen.

Because we ask. We get put up in the Hyatt. You guys just take whatever comes to you. And I know that there's a choice. I know that there's money in a budget to spend that they have to spend. And I'm sorry I take advantage of it. I don't go like. No, you're not sorry.

That's what you do. No, I don't. I am not someone who ever uses my sexuality to get something. I'm not saying I never do. I'm not saying I never use my sexuality to get something. I'm not saying I never do. I'm not saying I never use my sexuality to get something because I think subconsciously you just do things that, you know, like through my life I've learned, oh, going like this

with my hair in a certain way makes people like me more. And so I learned to do that, but it's not like I'm doing it on purpose. I'm never like purposely like, you might get a blowjob later if you give me a ride down the street. Like I've... Did you mean what you just said? See? It works. See? It works, Nikki. Well, I gotta get a blowjob later if you give me a ride down the street like i've did you mean what you just said see it works see it works well i gotta use that more often though but the thing is i know i won't

come through on that so i i don't i don't want to lie to people right and if there is a chance of that coming through i would maybe use that if like i was a girl who was like capable of blowing random dudes to get stuff i'd fucking do it's not your thing though i mean do you have friends that admit to you that they've used oh i have friends who have slept for people for rent money who fuck people for just to get by only fans dude do you have any do you have any friends that are doing only fans i think i do and when i found out i was incredibly empowered by them and i'm like do it yeah fucking do whatever you can yeah who cares i only worry and this is just my own projection onto it is that they will be haunted by that stuff for the rest of their life.

In what way? It's it gets out. What do you mean? Um, but that's just my fear. My friends don't. What's the worst version of it? I mean, it's all, it's all curated by you. Having sex with themselves.

So it's like you're producing all of it. So you don't put up a picture or video where you don't look good. So actually, it's kind of good because when you shoot porn, anything could happen and then it would be out there. I always think about girls

who like, accidentally like, fart or like, puke or shit on camera and you know, they don't use it like they won't,

unless it's like, the girl has to like, probably sign off for them to use them shitting or something. You have to sign first and then whatever happens, happens. happens but honestly there has to be some rule where it's like okay we all agree that like it doesn't come out if i do this this or this i don't know because i talked to i knew a guy that used to direct porn for years really and he was like let me tell you

something sometimes we would get accidental stuff and that would be the best clip that we could produce from or it would it would it would specifically hit a genre, a sub-genre, just by accident. Now you make a new one. In the middle of it, they realize the people are related. Well, look, do you think- And they stop, and then they go- Daddy and step stuff that got into- That had to have been an accident.

Someone made a joke somewhere along the line was like, oh, what are you, my stepbrother? And they ran with it. Oh, right. They were maybe breaking, and they were fucking around stepbrother and they ran with oh right like they were just like they were maybe breaking and they were like fucking around yes and they ran with it they had to swap film or whatever swap dick swap film whatever they had to do new batteries and then they're just like yeah and they're just shooting the shit and like oh my god like what if you were like oh okay dad and they're fucking around they're like wait a second that's gold stop right

there what did you say did you just call him dad? Yeah. And then someone in the back is like, stepdad, stepdad. Can't be real dad. Oh, yeah. Oh, stepdad. Yeah, stepdad. How are we not at real dad yet?

Who's holding back from real dad? There's got to be real dad. Oh, they're there. Okay. Trust me. I mean, that's the next thing. You know how there's always a next thing where it becomes kind of ubiquitous to talk about? Like eating ass.

Lisa Trager has a great bit about how eating ass was in vogue. All of a sudden, it became like people talked about it. It used to be something some people did. No one would talk about doing it, but people were into it. And now it's like we talk about like,

oh, I ate ass. I can say that freely and not feel like, oh my God, people will judge me, but it's kind of more acceptable. And Lisa Traigger had a prediction that pissing was going to become just as normalized.

This is crazy. I just read an article this morning about, well, I don't want to make an accusation. I don't know, but it was about an athlete. Yes. A woman that was just on a podcast talking about all these athletes. Athletes that pee on, that like peeing on girls.

Why? That's so weird. Have you been peed on? No. But that, why is, pee is really to me. Because it gets, you get bored with whatever you're doing. No. And you get.

You don't get that bored to pee, urinate. No, peeing is weird. I think it's a slippery slope, my friend. Really? I really do. I think. With the urine? Yeah, yeah.

It becomes a slippery slope? That's another porn genre. Slip and slides with a guy peeing at the top and girls sliding down. Someone's coming right now from that visual. I know. I was just going to say.

Oh, I didn't even, look at this. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on earth. I say that for all my guests,

but I mean it once again today. Nikki Glaser is back. We are already in the throes of. I know. It's like, oh God, can she talk about anything else? Yeah, let's talk about anything else.

No, I mean it's. When was the last time you saw me? You told me before the podcast. Oh yeah, on TV. On day. Look at me on tv you're so good good at see good at see you are such a good actor and it's like i already respect you so much as a comedian and uh and just when you there's something about seeing your friend on a great TV show and someone like you know, you're just so proud. Like I'm a fucking adult with a friend on a hit TV show. It just made me feel like an adult woman

like with like cool friends. Wow, I've really become who I wanted to be, which is like, hey mom, dad, oh, that's like, that's one of my like really good friends. Yeah, but you said your parents see you on TV all the time. You're on TV all the fucking time. Yeah, that's how I... You just did the...

You flew out here... That's how I get their love. The first time. Is it really? Mine's the opposite. My parents love the fact that I'm enjoying my life. Okay. But none of the things I've done so far is in their alley.

Do you do it, though, to... Of course not. ...get their attention? No, but I mean like... Then it's fine. I know, but it's... I want at one point in my career a thing that my parents...

Like you did guest hosting. Yeah, on Kimmel. That's a thing that your mom and dad can go, we watched that. So my parents have never... None of the shows I've ever done are a thing that my parents would have watched... I'm sorry.

Without... Everyone likes Dave. Everyone. Anyone can enjoy Dave. Do your parents watch the show? They haven't watched the show. See what I mean? But it's not, they would love the show. They just haven't found, yeah. Is it their genre? Are they cool like that? Oh, of course. Okay. They would love it. My parents have great taste in TV. That's why I have great taste in art. Like it's all due to my parents. So you don't have, you're not, I'm the opposite of them. You don't do the rebellious thing because in different ways but in that way no my dad turned me on to conan my dad turned me on to female comics like i would not like my sense of humor was sculpted by like the tv that my dad turned me on to so they would absolutely love dave okay well

let's get him to watch it then but i but that's why i think i gravitated towards i wanted to be on tv because i think i wanted that attention from my, like my parents just like revere people on TV and they love TV. And I think that was just, that is an effort to gain their love for sure. It is for you? And they love it.

And I'm living at home when things I do that I shoot in their home, like I was on Real Time with Bill Maher and that's my dad's favorite show. Like I, my dad's in love with Bill Maher. Are you a Bill Maher fan? I am. You are? I love Bill Maher. Are you a Bill Maher fan? I am. You are.

I love Bill Maher. Yeah. Yeah, I do. I really do. I go back and forth with him. When people don't like him, I'm just like. There's moments that I don't like him. Okay, well there's moments where I don't like,

I hope that I don't like everyone I love all the time. I hope they are able to make mistakes or deviate from my way of thinking. Why do we hold our celebrities to such a standard that we wouldn't hold our friends? Like you and I are allowed to have different views on something. Yeah.

But I'm not like, oh, you're an Andrew Santino friend. Okay, cool. You do, I'm sure we all do that for some people. There's some people that are friends with people that are so extreme about things that I'm sure you're not friends with them.

Um, yeah, yeah. Yes, and there's people that you associate with that you know some of their secrets of things that they agree with and don't agree with that you know some of their secrets of things that they agree with and don't agree with that you go, I don't love that about him or her,

but whatever. I don't know. I just like that he's outspoken about the environment. Look, he talks his truth. I'll say that. He believes in what he says. Well, I'm a fan because my dad's a fan. I like the music my parents like.

I am my parents daughter if i when people don't don't agree with me politically and i'm like how could you like him how could you vote for that person and i feel that way you're talking about a governor in st louis yeah of course i'm talking locally yeah um when i go how could you possibly ever see any redeeming quality in this man and trust him to to lead yeah i go you know what if i was raised like she was i would feel the same way different world it's not like if i was brought up the exact same way and born the same way i would vote for him too sure so i can't be mad at her well you're a saint louis kid i do is missouri blue? Missouri is blue or they red? The red.

The red is. You got water. You spill water on yourself. Oh, no. How do I get it up? This does remind me of the first time I ever hooked up with a guy. Okay. So the first time I ever, it was like my first, I had like kissed a boy and I was a junior

in high school. Wait, you didn't kiss a boy until you were 17, 16, 17? 17. Wait, why? I didn't kiss a boy until I was a senior, nearly a senior in high school wait you didn't kiss a boy till you were no 17 16 17 17 wait why i didn't kiss a boy until i was a senior and uh nearly a senior in high school i didn't kiss i didn't have sex until i was a senior in college and i'm not gonna get married until i'm a senior citizen that's my new joke that's the one joke i've written i like it i really like it it's got is it killing it tells you something about me and then it has what it tells me it tells me that you've been spending a lot of time with your parents it is sounds like a dad Is it killing? It tells you something about me. And then it has a... You know what it tells me? It tells me that you've been spending

a lot of time with your parents. It is like a... It sounds like a dad joke. No, it's... I mean, it's a dad joke. It's like a... But it's still clever. It's Seinfeldian.

Yeah, exactly. But Seinfeld's great. I mean, it took a certain level of skill. You don't do Seinfeld stuff. No, because I could... I feel like I revere that in a way. I can't touch jokes like that. I can't be like...

And then take apart... I've been watching a ton of Gaffigan recently. I could like I feel like I revere that in a way like I can't touch jokes like that like I can't be like and then like take apart like I've been watching a ton of Gaffigan recently I'm on like a million tangents but I've been watching a ton of Gaffigan recently and really like trying to figure out like oh I want to write a joke I want to just see if I could do it he's extremely talented god he's good he's one of those guys where like

I put them in their own category now goat like I put it I call him he's my goat. Oh, he is your goat? For real? I like established a new goat over COVID comedically.

He's it. He's my goat. Because you're delving back in his library and you're listening back to all the stuff. I could switch it up. I mean, there's several names I put up there, but I think if I could have,

stand up wise. Yeah. Anyone's talent level, if I could just have it. It would be him. Huh? Yeah. I mean,

I just think that's, that's what I would aspire to, but it's such a different thing than what I do. So it's weird that I would think that. Yeah. Maybe it's that. That's why you like it. I'm capable of it.

If I really worked hard enough, I'm capable because it's just extremely hard work and really a lot of precision with writing. It just takes so much hard work. I'm not taking anything from him in terms of like he's naturally talented because clearly you have to have some base. But he just works fucking hard specifically at a style that is extremely difficult. It's very him. It's like, you know.

There's guys like that. Sebastian's kind of like that. He does exactly his style. He works extremely hard on his voice. Other guys that I think are good that don't do that, though. It interesting to watch like burr has a style and a voice but he kind of meanders and goes into these weird yeah his stuff is looser and it's not um you know but gaffigan's a marksman he's very very precise i hold him in that he's in a very like there's a separate category guys like that that do exactly their thing very very well and they don't tend to deviate at

all but he does no he does okay just trust me his newer shit like he goes to dark places he talks their thing very, very well, and they don't tend to deviate at all, which I'm impressed by. Which I'm impressed by. He does? Okay, just trust me, his newer shit, like he goes to dark places, he talks about himself in a way that you're like, that was like fucked up what he just said. And then, you know, he's been doing that and kind of like dabbling in that with that voice,

the critical voice that he uses, where he gets to say very honest things, but through the lens of someone else, it's not him. So in that way way he is able to go to places where you're like well that just like got really weird and like said a lot about him and i don't know i just feel like there's he it's it's yeah it's more revealing than you one would think but i mean like it would i would i take burr's talent and ability like burr is it again like now i could switch goats today.

See, I can't. Well, who's your goat? Mine's, see, mine's only because- I just learned the word goat last year, super late to it, so I'm really excited about using it. Did you just listen to a black podcast at one point? No, I learned goat. You're like, goat, interesting.

I think I learned goat in 2018. It was too late, but yeah. Really? Yeah, because it's over. It's awesome. No one says it anymore. No, everyone should say it forever it's so cool it's so funny to go to say the goat to say goat a piece of me knows i know you know what it means but do you know what the acronym is for yeah but why don't we also say boat best of all time we can just switch it over yeah goat boat oh he's my boat oh he's my woat what am i worst of all time

oh yeah whoa oh she's the fucking woat. Woat. Oh, that's a good, woat is great. Who's your? Who, her? She's woat. Oh, my God. We should just do a thing where we think about our woats in comedy.

Oh, I have three of them right now. Okay, and then we just look at each other and we just go. Yes. Yes. Yes, definitely them. We know exactly who that is. No, mine, well, mine's only because he died too early. But Geraldo, to me, when I was young, I was obsessed.

And I'm probably alone on that island. No, you're not alone on that island. I think a lot of people don't. People thought he was good, but I don't think anybody thought he was. The way I saw him, he was. He didn't get to reach the levels that Gaffigan's reaching, the levels that Burr's reaching. He didn't live long enough to.

In my opinion, he would have been fucking huge. Unstoppable. Huge. reaching, live as a burr is reaching, like he didn't live long enough to. he would have been fucking huge. Unstoppable. Huge. When he used to do Colin Quinn's show, he was so quick and so funny and so mean.

Brilliant. Patrice and him would just shit on each other. That always made me go, man, I wish I had that kind of confidence on TV. When I was young going,

if you're that good and you can be that brash but also have so much written stuff, I was always just jealous of any time Colin's show came on of like how quick everybody nobody was slow on that show i know they were it was i'm glad that show's not on anymore so that i don't get asked to do it and have to do it and bomb yeah yeah i think about that because i couldn't turn that down i would just go on i'd be

i would hold my own a little bit but it would just be so you could be you'll be fine on that show yeah but that but i can always just feel like wow the guys that knew how to write for that show, that wrote beforehand and also knew how to weave it within. Don't you love that Dennis Leary clip? It's literally the best clip.

I knew you were thinking of that because you said who wrote beforehand. Well, he did because there was just a joke about who wrote before. Colin would make fun of people that he would,

they would call people out if it sounded like a too written of a joke. Sure. But that clip of Dennis Leary when he goes. Oh, it's so good for people who don't know. Geraldo and Leary you gotta just go go watch it and then come

back to us talking about it but it's giraldo um and leary on the same show and they're talking about something and giraldo says a joke and then leary gives him shit for like right writing well he said well first of all i think they're on the topic of war or like international yes some war that was or something like what was that we were too young too young and too dumb to know war we I think they're on the topic of war or like international. Yes. Some war. Or something. What was that? We were too young. Too young and too dumb to know war. We were in college.

The conflict that existed, they were talking about it. And then Geraldo made a joke and Dennis kind of came at him about it. And then they kind of went back and forth. And long story short, Dennis was like, oh, this guy's back here. The good schoolboy showed up early writing his jokes. And he goes, yeah, writing jokes. That's kind of what we do here. We're comedians.

And it was such a hit to his throat. And Dennis didn't take it well. He went back at him and was like, oh, okay, is that what we do? You could tell he lost, but it wouldn't. Yeah, it was over after that part. It was over. It was such a killer line. But the audience kind of just didn't,

couldn't really. Oh, no, the audience didn't even know what was happening. It was too quick. That's one of my favorite clips to watch. Oh, I love it too. When I want to sit in the Geraldo. When I go dig into his crates, that's some of the stuff that I go back to.

He's so freaking good. Tell me. He's one of the reasons I don't drink anymore because the one time I got a chance to hang out with him and sit one-on-one with him and talk about comedy. And I was 21 or 20. was barely dipped my toe into comedy i went to go see the insomniac tour with david david tell uh dane cook um sean rouse and greg giraldo in vegas my friend and my friends from college met up uh my junior year my friends from freshman year were like we'll go to vegas and i

was like we gotta go to this show i didn't even know it was the taping we go to the taping me and my best friend i just started doing comedy we got asked to be seat fillers for the comedy central taping of this special we didn't even know there was taping got to sit in like the third row i'm all over it laughing at giraldo it's like my first tv appearance yes oh my god then afterwards we went we got invited to this after party where they shot bonus footage for the DVD and they're throwing this after party. So we went there and we're two of 23 people there.

It was no one there. And then they invited us to go to the bar that they were going to afterwards. It's hell. I think to chat us up. I didn't say I was a comedian. I mean, I literally just- How long had you been doing comedy?

A year. I mean, I got- Not at all. Because you were in school still. I was a comedian. I mean, I literally- How long had you been doing comedy? Like a year. I mean, I got like, not at all. Because you were in school still. I was still in school and I was just, and my best friend, I was just like, don't say anything to anyone. I don't want to be like, I am a comic. I've always been that way.

I never want to bother them. I never want to ask comedians to watch my jokes. Don't watch me. I'm not a comedian. I'm not a comedian until they know I'm a comedian. Yes. And then they go, you're a comic too. And you go, I am.

Yes. But before that, it's just like, no, just don't let them know. Don't, don't. I don't understand these young kids being like, will you watch my act, Nikki, and give me notes? I'm just like, very precocious. That's going to work for you in your own way. But I would never have done that.

Yeah, but that's also because our generation is very different, man. Now they're able to put themselves out there so much more than we ever were. Yeah. The abilities. Think about this. Do you remember getting a tape? When you first started, I remember the anxiety of someone going, hey, man, can you get this they're able to put themselves out there so much more than we ever were yeah the abilities think about yeah do you remember getting a tape when you first started i remember the anxiety of someone going hey man can you get this guy this guy i know can get somebody if you can get a tape and i was like how am i gonna get a fucking tape i mean it was so hard to just get a tape yeah that was clean

and good and concise and it was a good set that night and the room was good it's still hard to get a tape by the way it is isn't that fucking yeah i have a friend trying to make a tape it ain't easy getting a tape. This was pre-COVID. The shots today are way more. You could tape every single set. You could bring this camera somewhere and tape every set. Yeah.

We just didn't have the ability. No one really had the money or the ability to film and do audio for everything. Right. Now it's so much easier. So they can get it done faster to me

to get it submitted somewhere. Yes. You can get notice faster, perhaps, because of that. It doesn't mean you're going to be better. There's a lot more avenues to like put yourself out there and find what you're like.

If you can't get on stage every night, you can do TikToks. You can do different people. Are you TikToking? No, I can't do a whole new, another thing. I downloaded it and I'm like, I would be great at it

because I'm great at lip syncing. I'm great at memorizing things. You could be like the Sarah, you could be Sarah Cooper 2.0. I really give every, I can't listen to him or look at him so I can't really watch her videos

and enjoy them. I've seen like one of them and then I. She's really good at it. Yes. But I give it up to anyone who watches him all day. I mean,

I know a lot of people to give us our news have to watch him but I can't watch him so the fact that she has to watch him to memorize, have you ever tried to do a lip sync? They're fucking hard.

Yeah. You have to memorize the way that they come in and there's no rhythm to it so it takes so much practice. have you ever tried to do a lip sync they're fucking hard yeah you have to memorize no the way that they come in and there's no rhythm to it so it takes so much practice you have to listen over and over so the fact that sarah cooper has to listen to his voice thousands of times like did you know her before really good do you know before all this no i didn't know her at all i guess she was like a new york special great good of lip sync stuff fine figure it out do whatever you want to do you go get it i don't do it i don't care how people get to where they're going to where they're going if it's not good if

she makes a special and it's not good because all she's good at is tiktok then it won't be good and then who cares and i know it doesn't matter well it's taking the space of someone who would be really good and who deserves it and who's been working longer the world's not fair people get super successful super young and if they aren't ready for it they won't last so i think she's gonna last i think she's super talented but i got some things early on that people had that same attitude about you weren't ready i wanted to turn down last comic standing when i got it i remember calling tommy john again because we were both early like in our stand-up career i got last comic standing i was like i don't deserve this. I can't.

There's no chance. I shouldn't be competing against the people I'm competing against. I knocked out Jimmy Pardo to be here. I've been doing comedy one year, and they chose me over Jimmy Pardo. This doesn't make sense. The show is stupid. Yeah. And then I remember calling Tommy John again.

I was, like, in college. And he was like, yeah, I don't know if you should. Maybe don't do it. Like, it's just. It would feel weird. Because we both are, like, yeah, I don't know if you should, maybe don't do it. Like, it's just, it would feel weird. Like, because we both are like, have low self-esteem. And so he was kind of directing me

in that direction too, to be like, just say, give it to someone else. And I was like, fuck that. They want to give it to me. I didn't fool anyone.

I didn't do, I didn't go, I'll give you a blow job if I get on that. And you keep doing that and I think you did do that somehow. I know, it seems to come very naturally to me.

Yeah, the way you do it it flows right off your, but it's, yeah, I did if I get on that. And you keep doing that, and I think you did do that somehow. I know, it seems to come very naturally to me. Yeah, the way you do it, it flows right off your... I tried that. I tried the same thing at Last Comic Standing. I went, I'll give you guys a blowjob if I can audition. Oh my god, I wasn't sucking dick at that. At that age, I hadn't even had sex yet. I was just so like, well, no, yeah, at that age I had... Well, no, no, it happened after it.

After Last Comic Standing? Yeah. Nope, sorry, the summer before, but it was only like... Well, no, actually it after it. After the, after Last Comic Stand? Yeah. That's what really got you in. Nope, sorry, the summer before, but it was only like, well, no, actually it was a couple times with them, but that's, yeah, it was the summer before. But, but I got, yeah, I got it in my senior year, but I did go and I felt like, and people said that for so long when I was like a young comic was like, she got this because she's young.

Well, that's the hardest thing for the girl thing is someone goes she's just a cute girl that's why she xyz exactly yeah that happens often but there's like you could say that about anyone like oh it's just because yeah but no not for a guy you can't go he's a hot guy that's why he got that comedy special why i don't know it just doesn't guys have comedy specials that they don't deserve who oh i got it Hot guys have comedy specials that they don't deserve. Who? Oh, I got it. No, I know what you're saying. Well, I said this.

Somebody said to me from home. My barometer is always my friends from home. And somebody was texting me and was like, who is this girl? Like, what is she? I don't know who she is. I've never heard of her. Right. And I said, here's the deal. Netflix is a business.

They're going to do what's going to be good for their business. So this idea that we have this opinion over what Netflix should be curating for you is so in your own bubble that you're like, why did this? Why did what? It's like, dude, they're doing it to make money. Yeah, they know what they're doing.

They analytically know it's going to make money. This is what the people want. Yeah. And this is what they know is going to do well on their platform. Right. It's almost like saying certain, we got in an argument about merch. We were talking were talking about like what shirts would work and i said we collectively agreed finally at the end of arguing i was like i bet you the merch company

knows what sells the best why don't we design wise well because we were arguing over designs and i was like at some point someone's got to know what what does better yeah because i have terrible fashion i was like i'm not going to tell you the one to say I have terrible fashion. I was like, I'm not going to tell you. Why are you the one deciding? I have terrible fashion. So I said, let those guys do, let the artists do what they know how to do the best. Anyway,

that's how I feel about that whole thing. I was just, it was funny to me because people got, you know, it broke, it got, people got annoyed.

Whenever comics want to talk shit about someone getting something and they didn't get it, I get it. But I never take it like, fuck that, that should have been me. I just go go like what did that person do that i'm not doing what can i do to get better i i i'm not that's not to say i don't get fucking so jealous of everybody but i get jealous because i'm like they do deserve it more and i need to be doing what they're doing i need to figure out

something that stands out as much as sarah cooper's lip sync things in your way i need to figure out something that stands out as much as Sarah Cooper's lip sync things. In your way. I need to find that thing, that specific thing that people are like, that's fucking, like, it just, she found that and I need to find that. So that's why it's like more, I take it that way. And again, if the person sucks, they're not going to last. Yeah, that's true. And if they do, you can get mad. I mean, that's not true. We could have four, you could have four more years of the person that sucks and doesn't deserve the special

that they got. Could you have eight more years of the person that sucks? They're trying. We might. We might have forever. Yeah. You know what? You're fine because you're now living full time in St. Louis, Missouri.

Well, the thing is- I think that's so weird that you moved there. I talked to Andrew Collin about it and he was like, I thought it was a thing that you're like, I'm visiting my parents often. So did I. But why are you doing it then? Because I don't have another home. What do you mean?

You don't have a place in New York anymore? Yeah, but it has no furniture in it and it is, I was moving. Uninhabitable? I was going to try the word, but it is inhabitable because my assistant is living there. In here, we pour whiskey. Fellas, how you doing down there in your basement? Is it hairy? You got a moose on the loose, huh?

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And why can't you also live there? It's a one room? No, I don't want to live in New York right now. There's no reason for me to be there. I like living with my parents. I like being around my parents. Are you doing stand-up in St. Louis? A little bit here and there, but I couldn't do it in New York. Maybe I could do it outside.

Yeah, they're doing it in New York now. I see it all over the place. I'm not really interested in doing park shows. I'm not craving. Unless the scene comes back the way it was, I'm not interested in going back there. I see it all over the place. I'm not really interested in doing park shows. I'm not craving. Unless the scene comes back the way it was, I'm not interested in going back there. Well, what are you doing, though? Aren't you doing a tour right now? Yes.

So you're doing an outdoor, what, a drive-in tour, right? Yeah, drive-ins and lawns. And there's just four dates. I'm just seeing if I like it to see if I want to do it again into the fall. Me and Bob are going to do it in the fall. Yeah. Me and Bobby are going to do a little Bad Friends tour. That's fun. I think we're going to live podcast. I don't think we're going to do it again like into the fall me and Bob are gonna do it in the fall yeah me and Bobby are gonna do like a little bad friends trip I think we're just gonna I think we're gonna live podcast I don't think we're gonna do stand up oh that's so much easier than stand up that's

why I don't want to do it I gotta go I gotta get I have to do stand up again I am so out of practice it's terrifying how could you work out um I will the St. Louis funny bone has shows going on and they're like you know know, open mic. Yeah. And I wear a mask on stage. So it's not a good set. Do you bring your own mic? No, I'm not worried.

I'm not worried about touchy things as much as I'm worried about stress. But the mic is up to your mouth. Yeah, but what do you mean? Well, it's not like the droplets aren't spewing off the mic. It's like if I don't touch the mic. Okay, scientist. The mic is not producing any kind of

air flow. Oh, yeah? I'm going to send you an article I read. About that you can get it from mics? Microphone. Microphone transmission. I swear to God. Because spit collects on it, and when you're spitting and sucking and breathing, that stuff's coming off of it. My back just started hurting as soon

as you said that. Do you think it's because of COVID nervous oh you get just like when i get anxiety it goes like right there like that mic um that mic has been clean no i swear i clean that mic just because i make sure that people show up with clean mics you're fine but i wouldn't i just got tested yeah like i've been tested twice this week so i'm good and that's more to say than you could for the regular test you should be taking in your life no i'm not a whore people think i am having sex in 17 months 17 months um i think it's longer now no no one said you're a whore i was saying it's not how often it's who that's your problem strangers off the street you're really kind of a no holds barred type of person no i've seen you sleep with a guy at a bus stop oh please stop it i mean honestly when you say

that's a people who don't really know. They might think. No, Nikki's a good girl who doesn't do anything wrong. No, that's not true. 17 months ago is a long time. It's so long, Andrew. It's stupid. It's criminal.

But you're living at home with your parents. You've chosen this lifestyle. No, I mean, yes. I mean, this past six months, there's no excuse. But before six months, there was 11 months. Yeah, but you were working like a dog. Yeah, I was working like a dog. You were constantly on the road, and then you were doing your show, and then you were moving.

Yeah. When last time I saw you, it was like back and forth, L.A., New York, L.A., New York, L.A., New York. You were constantly doing shit. Yeah, I was nonstop. So you didn't take a break. You weren't chilling out. And then I took a break at my parents' house, and I don't like it. Could you bring a boy to your mom and dad's house?

No, they would not be cool with it. No, they live there. And that wouldn't be. First of all, I would never do that. That would be so awkward. Funny, though. I mean, funny, though. Yeah, it would be funny.

I think, you know, I definitely fucked guys when I was like like boyfriends at my. If I had a boyfriend, yes, I'd find out a way to do it. I was going to my room to podcast or whatever the hell. By the way, that's what new kids can use. Now that's the new friend. What are you guys doing up there? We're podcasting.

All right. Anytime I want to get away with anything in my parents' house, I just say, I'm going to go podcast. Cause they don't know what I'm, I do a podcast every day. So like, and I'm breaking it up.

You do your show from your mom and dad's house every day. Did you make a studio there or something? No, I'm just like walking around with a microphone like by myself like in my front yard like really yeah i just like it's just like a really free-formed like that's cool though yeah stream of consciousness i say it's really weird i've developed this like really kind of um intimate relationship with people who listen and they like dm me and it's like i get into my depression like i go through like i go through it's like I get into my depression. Like I go through like, I go through it

because when you're doing a show every day by yourself with no guests, you start to go, it's like solitary confinement of podcasting. I get a little loopy where people are like, are you okay? And they like worry about me.

So, but yeah, so that is what I've been doing in St. Louis. And I honestly, I just don't know where to go next, Andrew. Like I don't. Well, you don't want to be back here. I know clearly that's what I'm hearing from everyone. Well, no one's here. Everyone's gone.

Well, everyone's gone to New York, too. Yeah, but those people all go back to New York because New York is still their home ground. For most of those people, they're from New York. You know, like, I talked to DeStefano, and like, those guys are just moving around a little bit right now because they have the freedom to. Yeah. But they're all going to go back to New York when the dust settles. Right.

No one's coming back here. But I'm waiting for the dust to settle. There's no reason I shouldn't be around my sister who I've never thought I would ever live in the same city as her. What a joy that I get to see my niece and nephew. Right. And get to be with my parents until they die. You know, like they're going to-

You think they're going to die soon? No. I mean, they're so active. Your dad looks really healthy. My dad is in great shape. He's great. He's going on the road with me. Six five.

He's a big guy, right? He's like six three. Yeah. He's a big guy. Yeah. He's is in great shape. He's great. He's going on the road with me. 6'5". He's a big guy, right? He's like 6'3". He's a big guy. He's just like an athletic and he doesn't do any... He does sports, but he's just like fit and cool and fun and he has a great energy about him. He makes me feel really lazy and he's like always

in a good mood. And I get to like hang out with my dad and he's still like vibrant like that. That's not going to be forever. I'm just like kind of like cherishing just hang out as long as I can until this gets completely unbearable right and it just hasn't yet is your dad did you tell me I know your dad's a musician and was your whole life but your was your dad a pot user or no no he like will like take he'll take some edibles. Are you? You're not. You went through a phase. Well, I just, to be completely honest with you,

I had quit for 12 days, and I just had a hit on the way here because I was feeling so stressed after Rogan that I was like, I just want to get out of my head because I was just second. You know when you finish a four-and-a-half-hour podcast with someone, and afterwards you're just like, what did I say? What was that? Who's gonna hear that? And it didn't,

it wasn't live, so usually when you get done with Rogan, you're like, it's already out there, and people are writing you about it, and you're like, it's done, can't even,

now I'm like, no, it's gonna come out, and what did I say? And so, my friend who picked me up had some weed in the console. You didn't smoke with Joe? No.

So, did he offer it no usually he does if he knew you smoked i'm surprised he didn't tell you every time i'm over there he's always like get high with me get high with me and i'm always like yeah but i get too high on that show sometimes and then i get deep into the throes of my brain oh i would have loved to have gotten high with him he didn't offer though oh next time you should have said it next time just go let's get stoned i will but so 12 days and now you're back on the train yeah I feel fine about it I like to take little breaks it's honestly when I first pulled up here I was like why'd you do that Nikki you had 12 days but the thing is that wasn't gonna

last I would have just felt worse after 26 days so when I'm ready to quit like forever I'll fucking do it but right now I just like really yeah I Yeah. I don't know, man. It feels something came over me recently. Like I smoked a joint at a wedding a month and a half ago, like a backyard wedding and had a good time. But then ever since then too, I was like, I don't know if I never get it again. I think I won't care. I don't know. I can't explain it.

It was like a, it was like a couple of days. It's like, well, I guess I, maybe I just won't anymore. I was waning off of it anyway. It doesn't sound like you have a problem if the last time you did it was that long ago. It's not, no, it's like a it was like a couple of days this like well i guess i maybe i just won't anymore i was waning off of it anyway like you have a problem if the last time you did it was that long it's not no it's not a problem i just i smoked pot for 25 years but here and there you just it's just the times you do it you don't like it no it's not that it's just that it's not it's not the same i think the the neurons aren't firing the same and i think it has a lot to do with it's not worth it yes it's the way it makes you- It's not worth it. Yes, it's- The way it makes you feel is not worth it anymore.

Not really. Okay. I think it has a lot to do with my environment currently. I think when I was really active and had high level, high level anxiety, traveling a lot, working a lot, doing this project, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, smoking was super beneficial

for both my physical and mental well-being and then my artistic too. I felt like I would get in these great grooves because of it. Yeah. And now because I'm not on the go, my mind is like shifted to this other place and it just doesn't feel the same to me. It's really strange. That's good though that you recognize that and you're like, I don't really – as soon as it stops serving you, I feel like that's how I quit drinking was like, it's not worth it. The fun I have in it

is just not... But that's the difference. You were being reckless when you were drinking. No, it was just like my hangovers were shit and I was like, this makes me worse at my job and I want to be extremely successful and I can't... The second that pot makes me feel like I'm not doing my job well enough, like today

for instance, right now I'm like, oh my God, why didn't I ask Rogan to smoke with me? Why didn't I do that? That would have made a better podcast. I should have done that. That would have been

a much better podcast and I fucked up. So now I feel guilty if I smoke pot and now I feel guilty if I don't smoke pot because sometimes I think I'm better

because I'm on fire right now. No, I just- You are on fire right now. Yeah. Yeah, you're killing it. You should have gotten an eye with him. You know what?

The podcast with Rogan is going to be bad because of it. I'm going to tell you right now, it's going to be bad. He texted me. He said, I said, Nikki's coming over to me. How was she with you? And he said, not good at all. But that's kind of how she is with me. No.

He actually said a couple times during it that it was one of his... Like, he was like, I don't think I've ever... He was crying laughing. Yeah. And said it was one of the most fun podcasts he ever had. All right, relax. Okay. I think that's verbatim.

He was inflating. He was inflating. I don't feel like he's a liar. No, he doesn't lie about that kind of stuff. No. Actually, he's very true to form. No, I actually couldn't believe he said that. And I hate to brag about it like that, but I have to say that because I really am in

this state of mind that if I don't catch it, I can go up, like, especially if I do huge things like that or even like this like a lot of people watch the show this is a big deal people watch the show i would have stayed you know like this is this is a uh like i went out of my way to do i like i know i'm glad you came yeah i like this means something to me yeah and i get to hang out with my friend andrews talking about this on my podcast today like oh man i didn't schedule any social time in i'm like um this is all social i get to hang out with joe which we're only friends because i've met talked to him on the air we don't spend time outside there

have you ever seen him outside of the outside yeah yeah at the store and like i approached him and asked him if i could do his podcast like before i ever like knew when you first did it yeah before i first did it i just like went up to him because i knew he was nice but like yeah we don't hang out you and i will text occasionally but like the only time we've hung out recently is like podcasts. And the last time you were in town, though, we went and got dinner. That was a long time ago, yeah. That was the last time you were in town town,

that I was here. No, I've been in town since then. That I was here. Was I in town when you were in town last? Maybe. Yeah, I know there's been a couple times. I've been in town so many times since that time. Yeah, but you ghost in and you ghost out, huh?

You just really sneak in and sneak out. I just don't have time to see you. That's fine. That was fun that we, yeah, we hung out that night. Yeah, but you ghost in and you ghost out, huh? You just really sneak in and sneak out, pal. I just don't have time to see you. That's fine. That was fun that we, yeah, we hung out that night. Oh, yeah. Vegetarian. Yeah, it was good.

Are you still eating vegetarian? Vegan. Are you vegan? Are you vegan? I'm vegan, yeah. I don't say vegan. Oh, it's vegan? No, my dad says vegan.

It really bothers me. Is your dad a vegan? No. Is your mom a vegan? No. So do they, is it a thing in the house or nobody cares?

It's a little bit of a thing because my mom, like I just want to get, I just know my parents are compassionate people who love animals. And if you love animals, you can't deny how terrible it is to eat them. I know, but it's one of these dualities that has to exist. Well, I know it does. It's like kids make my iPhone, but I still like it. I know, but it's one of these dualities that has to exist. Well, I know it does. It's like kids make my iPhone, but I still like it. I know. It's bad, but I still like it.

I'm a complete hypocrite in so many ways about that, but there's just something about just I can't deny that I would – it breaks my heart to even go into thinking about it. So, yeah, I do it for ethical reasons only, not like health reasons and not because I don't think those things are delicious. I don't – they all look so good. Like is your dad ever cooking bacon in because I don't, I don't think those things are delicious. I don't, they're all, they all look so good. Like is your dad ever cooking bacon in the morning? No,

I don't want bacon. Does he ever cook meat around you and you smell it? Yeah, I smell meat and I will go, that smells really good, I have to admit.

I give them credit because I'm like, you're not wrong for thinking this is good, but just because you like something doesn't mean you get to have it. Okay. Sorry.

That's true. Just because something is legal and you like it doesn't mean you get to do whatever you Okay. Sorry. That's true. Just because something is legal and you like it doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want. Sometimes you have to like police yourself and make decisions.

Right. Good. Well, what's, okay, how about this? Like what's the best vegan meal that you have? I mean. If someone was going to go

vegan from this podcast. No one's, they're either going to do it or they're not going to do it. What if this could be the kicking point? What if they go, you know what,

maybe I'll try it. What's some vegan meals that you go man this is so good just pick a grain put some rice and then veggies and then tofu is really i love tofu so that's a problem i know people hate tofu it's really gross to me i've tried it so many different ways it's the one thing if i was i couldn't do it i don't know i'm bad at telling people pasta you eat a lot of pasta no i don't eat any pasta i like don't i'm pretty low bad at telling people. Pasta? You eat a lot of pasta? No, I don't eat any pasta. I like don't.

I'm pretty low carb. Isn't pasta vegan though? I get to eat so much. That's the best thing about being vegan. What about sweets? I don't eat them. You don't eat any sweets? Stop it.

No, I'm not going to stop it. You're not going to have a piece of chocolate cake or something once in a while? Yeah, yeah, of course. What about a cookie? It's got to be a vegan cookie. I have a vegan dessert when I meet one occasionally. But it's like I don't seek them out. But if I wanted to, they're all over the place. Yeah.

But yeah, it's either you want to do it or you don't. It's not easy. And it's not as much fun as not being vegan. There's no doubt about it. It's a harder thing to do. But it's the right thing to do. And it's undeniable. And I don't begrudge anyone.

I wasn't vegan forever. But I just can't what we do to animals is just so bad but i'm but like i have an iphone so but the irony of that is like i have a dog and i'm in love with my dog right but sometimes i want to eat her she looks so edible i mean like i see parts of their like yeah her little leg and i want to crack off her leg and eat it you know what i do now because i have to get this but i have this problem with her and i'm trying to teach myself? I need to put something on her ear.

I bite her ears in the morning when she climbs into bed and I bite her face. Like I bite her little ear and sometimes I bite it too hard. Yeah. And then she goes, and she doesn't like it. Cute.

But I need to put something on her ear that tastes gross so I won't bite her ear anymore. Oh my God, you have to do the thing that the kids have to do. I know. I know what you mean

that stuff on another fingernail but yes i do want to bite yours i never bit my dog's ears i'm gonna get into that please bite your dog's ear oh my god but in the morning it's just because sometimes i want to squeeze them so hard that they do go marion will go like i'll squeeze her a little too hard i'm like i'm sorry i just love you too I do that every day. I squeeze my dog so hard that she goes. Fucking dogs. Thank God for dogs. I know. Honestly.

They've gotten me through this. The Pandy. Having the dog in the house has changed my life. And also, when it's not so obnoxiously hot, the walks that we were taking with the dog is like 10 times longer than the normal walks. Yeah. They're loving it. And she loves it. The only bummer that I learned learned and this sounds like a dumb thing

that you should know but you know they say if you put your hand on the concrete and if you can't hold it for 15 seconds it's too hot for the dog's paws but you don't realize it because you're like you're wearing shoes it's a hot day maybe it's a hot day but i don't think it's that hot yeah you don't think about that but now during these walks i can tell she's getting annoyed it's too hot outside oh so we go back to the house early because we used to take i mean at night sometimes we'll take three four mile walks yeah that's why the dogs like the shade it's not because they're like i don't like the sun it's and it's glaring in my eyes i'm always like marion come on you can take the sun it's too hot it's like their paws are singeing off yeah good christ yeah we gotta be more conscious well but she's helped me honestly seriously there's days when

like i'm super fucking bummed and the pandemic is doing that thing where you get have you had these where you get in your head and you do the tumbling effect when you're like and what if and what if and what if and it never comes back and i can't do that and it and it's this like plinko downfall effect of me going well if stand-up doesn't come back and then this doesn't come back and i can't do the touring and then and i'll spiral and i'll have like a crash moment and i just need to sit i'll sit with the dog for like i don't know, 20 minutes, 30 minutes outside, and just not think. Just play with the dog and throw the ball.

Yeah, that's really good. And then it just kind of wipes my slate. I can't do it for that long. I just kind of cuddle them for 20 seconds at a time, and I can't escape it. Oh, I can play with this bitch all day long. That's so nice. What a lucky dog. I don't have that, though.

No? No. You haven't gotten this downfall effect in your mind no but man I suffer deeply with depression okay what's the depression done to you

during the pandemic what hit you the hardest it's not it just comes out of nowhere and it's not even triggered by it it's truly like a brain thing

because I was just talking to Rogan about it you know on that podcast I did where I he said it was like one of his favorites where it wasn't even that good we didn't smoke pot

I was just talking to him favorites. Where it wasn't even that good. We didn't smoke on it. I was just talking to him about how like I don't, it's not situational. Like it can come out of nowhere for me. It can come out of, it's usually, sometimes it's brought on. I'm really tired.

I've worked myself too hard. But a lot of it comes out of what we were just, the Rogan thing of like me doing a big thing that means a lot. And then afterwards going like, why did I say that? Why didn't I't i say that oh my god i could have done that what can my life my life could then i do the ping pong of like if i would have gotten like like just now where my mind is racing while we're talking if i would have gotten high with rogan i could have had like a an amazing moment that made people like me that much more and then i got that deal and then maybe the head of that network like it just all the things that could have happened if but then i started instead while we were talking

this is the math i'm doing in my brain and i'm staying present with you as much as i can but you even saying suggesting that and i'm i just am so fresh off this and overthinking it then but now i try to approach those things because i can just go into such a dark tunnel with regret of what i said and what i didn't say and it can seriously fuck my shit up in a way that like I get so depressed after big fun things that it's not even worth doing them but now I'm like okay if I did get high with Rogan what if I said something fucking weird that's what I would think then I look high on camera and I like it could either the ping pong can go the other way so now in now in my head I'm re rewiring my brain to think about it as like,

oh, I avoided something that could have been worse and I could have been regretting more. And I would have been like, why did you smoke pot? Like, I'm always going to be able to be mad at myself about something. Do you manage it somehow? Do you take medicine for your depression?

No, and that's the problem is like, I have to get back on medicine because I am just feeling feeling I'm hitting these lows and they're not even coming from what I just said. They're just out of nowhere. And I get like, I just, I do the ping pong of like, I, I just feel worthless and I feel like completely have no talent. I feel like. Well, that's true. But I mean, I don't think you should know that.

Right. You're not, you're talentless, but I think it's, but true, but I don't think you should know that. Right. Okay. You're talentless, but that's not something you should know because you're living in this great, happy medium. So you're telling me

that I do see things clearly when I think I'm a fraud and that I've tricked everyone into thinking I'm funny, but I'm not really funny. Correct. I just laugh at what funny men say and people watch that

and interpret that as funny because men are too stupid to know that I myself am not funny. They just see a woman laughing at something funny and they assume that she has a sense of humor took the words right out of my mouth this is a fact i actually feel kind of intelligent that i figured that out that you detangled all that yeah i mean like that's the problem with it is that when i start to second guess and i go oh you're not funny and like well who am i if i think i'm not funny then who am i to determine if i'm funny or not you're very funny because you can't a funny person i'm the guy that gets to determine exactly

i have to trust my friends and that's what i rely thank you but but you but but we do have those moments do you ever feel like you're a fraud holy are you kidding i feel like uh what I feel like I'm unfunny. There's times that I feel so unfunny that I go, huh? I don't know if I lost it or if I, did I ever even have it or was I just good at thinking I had it? Was it good? Was I good at thinking I had it? But then you,

but then you really look back and then you know what it really is. Go meet regular people, go talk and hang out with normal people that have nothing to do with the business that's where i start questioning it because i go regular people are funny oh so you know i'm the opposite i'm like oh i'm funnier than all these fucking people this is what do you mean these got these their fire their brains aren't firing the way that our brains fire yeah it's just not even close like sometimes i'll be talking to someone that's a regular friend or regular human and i'll say something and it'll go so far and fast over their head that i'll go oh shit okay okay, yeah.

It reminds me in a cocky way that I'm like, oh yeah, I'm just, maybe that joke, they don't get my angle. Yes. And it's because I don't talk in water cooler talk. We're not good at like, I'd be bad at an office. I'm bad at it. And I'm not funny in those situations. Really bad. It doesn't inspire me to be good.

Well, because that joke stream is, um, so broad that it's something we're bad at. Like I noticed that like in the dad group joke stuff of friends, I'm really, I'm slow in that group because it's kind of like, I don't think like that. I don't have those kind of like,

yeah, I heard his boat at a hitch. Well, you know what they say about boats, you know, the best thing, best day in a boner's life is the day you buy it, the day you sell it. And everyone's like, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And those jokes are so broad and boring to me. Well, just any kind of street joke or quote from a movie. But that's what's popular usually in that world. Yes, outside of this world. Yeah. So remind yourself every day how funny you are. You watch back all your stuff. If you ever feel unfunny, watch back some of your great stuff.

No, no, no, no. I will never do that. You have so much good stuff. I watch your stuff all the time feel unfunny watch back some of your great stuff i have so much good stuff i watch your stuff all the time well that's really nice of you i just to remind me that you are funny i go is nikki funny i watch back your shit i know dude i have to be reminded of it i just feel like i'm i have lost some of my comedic spark living during this pandemic i mean we all have though how have we how how could you not i mean also well it depends on what you're going through too like you your comedic spark will come after you this is slowed down and gone the other way because there can't there has to be a

billion good stories about your parents there are but i can't like process them like i i searched through my mind and i'm like i can't think of any jokes about it. I feel like I've just been in this like fog, but I've been really depressed and I cannot function. I cannot function when I'm depressed. Have you seen, have you, have you had moments with your parents that, uh, have grossed you out? Like if you see, you know, when you see your parents again, as you get older and you're like, God, they do that. That's so gross. Or that's so annoying. What's your thing? What do you know? Do you know that I have one? Yeah.

Is that what that sounds like? Yeah, it absolutely is. What are your parents doing that's gross? It's not gross. It's just like when I was home. When I was home, it's just like the food thing bothers me because we have such different kind of – my mom always makes fun of me.

She's always like, I know – and they're very healthy for the midwest yeah but like my mom will be like and i know you have to eat healthy food and i'm like what is that even what does that even mean right she does this game where it's like i eat the same food in california you yeah i also have chicken and vegetables for dinner like right she has this like mindset that it's like we don't have enough healthy stuff for him. But what's the gross thing that she's eating? It's not. My dad eats really gross shit. Like what?

Like pickled anything. Like, no, no, no. But like, you know, like oysters from a can. It's like shit. I'm like, oh my fucking God. Yeah, my mom will go and get like, she goes every day to the discount aisle of our local Dearburg's grocery store and like gets ham salad that's like on discount. And I just see this like gelatinous light pink goop and she's putting on crackers and

I just get so – I'm just like, okay. Oh, she'll be like, got a squid salad today. $3.99. She'll be like excited that she got discount seafood and I'm like mom if seafood is cheap it's bad give it back throw it back into the sea

it's not that's chum you're eating it's disgusting but she doesn't understand like you have to pay more for good food my mom loves a discount and so she eats bad discounted food. And I'm like, that means it's bad. Are they retired?

It's not like you trick the system. They know this is crap, and that's why it's cheap. No, my dad still sells. He sells retractable awnings just for fun because he's a great salesman. Patio awnings? I need one. Well. Tell your dad.

Can he sell to California? Maybe. He's got to have a distributor. My dad goes, because this happens a lot. I'll go, hey hey i got a buddy who wants to buy he goes they always say that they're not gonna buy but yeah give him my number they're not gonna buy they just wanted they just wanted to be nice to you in conversation they never buy no he's been a salesman for 45 years like he well what if i just give him the money for it and i never really buy it i never really use it i'd love that oh my god he would freak out I gave out my dad's Venmo one night when I was like

filming him at one of his gigs because he plays music locally and like my fans just like flooded his Venmo with like, you know, like five bucks here. But he got like, my parents are going up

and they're like, $250? What the nick of your... Like they're just freaking out. So yeah, I love it. Does he not make money doing local gigs? He does,

but now it's dried up because there aren't any more gigs. But he used to gig like three times a week. No outdoor stuff for him, though? A couple things here and there, but like... He's an acoustic king, right? He loves acoustic guitar? He looks like a guy.

Your dad has a very James Taylor-y look. Yeah, that's his vibe, for sure. Does he play that kind of stuff? Yeah, he plays, yeah, James Taylor, Wilco. Your dad likes Wilco? Oh, yeah. My dad got me into Wilco. My dad has great taste, like musically, comedically. Wilco's great. Wilco? oh yeah my dad got me into Wilco my dad has great taste

like musically comedically Wilco's great Wilco is amazing they're my favorite great group yeah

I love Jeff Tweedy I've been listening to a lot of Jeff Tweedy because he writes he's like someone who you know has suffered with like crazy depression the kind that I've been going through and like

I just want I want to like talk to people and listen to people that are going through it so when you get sad you listen to sad shit? and I call Gary Goldman and I'm like, let's talk about how bad this gets. I really did.

The other day I was like, I don't even call Gary Goldman. He's on my phone. But like I reached out to him because I was like, I am so sad. And I know I only know one person who's maybe been sadder than me. And it's I think he's been way sadder than you. He's the best at it. I've been there. I'm close to that.

He makes like a comedy special out of it. I know. Good for him. That's what I'm going to do next. I got to do something with it. You're not that energy. No, I've been talking about wanting to kill myself on stage a ton. Really?

Oh, yeah. How would you do it? If I had to do it, I mean, I don't want to tell you. Why? Because it's too specific and people will worry. Well, I want to hear it. Okay. Well, I'm not going to do it.

I promise that I'm not going to. And I don't want to give anyone ideas. See, that really is, I'm not going to do it. I promise that I'm not going to. Sure. And I don't want to give anyone ideas. See, that really is the reason I'm not going to do it. People know how to kill themselves. No, this one's good. This one is like

from the mind of Nikki Glaser. Give it to me. No. Mine's simple. What? As much alcohol as I possibly can drink in the tallest building

I can find. No way. That's fucking dark as shit. Jump and float. Jump and float. No way. Jump and float, baby. No.

Yeah, because I want to flip a bunch, you know? No, you won't flip on the way down. I want to soar for a little while. No, that's the worst way. I go to the edge and I go, cannonball! I would rather do anything than that. Really?

Jumping to me is- When people jump, I'm always like, whoa, that's a different kind of depression than I have. No, no, no. Well, okay, so what's yours don't judge my don't judge my suicide let me just say that the thing that i i would probably do if it was like okay say a super volcano erupted and we were all gonna like choke on ash volcanic ash and die that sounds like horrible so i i if i could i would just blow my head off with a gun see that sounds way more dark to me i know yeah i was told

by a therapist because i that's the thought i have in my head when i'm really depressed i just constantly think about like shooting my head oh my god it's terrible it's it's awful and you're scared of guns too yeah i hate guns i would never be near gun i don't i i can't watch on tv when there's like a fake like when people just even point finger guns i hate anything so that's a good balance the irony is that you probably never do it i'll never do it no no no i'll never do it but that's the thought that comes to my head and it like that's what i know i'm like i'm in for a fucking couple five days of like really like just feeling terrible and like you know if you're having thoughts of killing yourself you don't have much motivation

to do anything and it's like really it's just like i'm sick for five days if that thought's coming in but if i would really kill myself it's different i wouldn't do that i gotta know what it is no it's it i honestly i don't want to say it because i don't want to give anyone she'll never do it we're just talking about i would do something let me just say easy cleanup i think about the people on the other side of it certainly not the gun i i have yeah the gun you can't do that i mean unless you're like in the woods or something no even still i mean it's gonna be you know why it's even harder and then the deer will because you're in the woods or something no even still i mean it's gonna be you know why it's even harder now and then the deer will because you're in the woods and no somebody's got to come they have to get your they have to get you out of the woods yeah that's a whole thing what if what if they can't get you out conveniently no no not you don't go too deep just a couple of feet in just go where

like it's if you make a mess they can just kind of like kick some leaves and then they're done like you don't want to have to like have your parents have to move out of their house because of it. Don't do it. Don't do it. People that, please don't do it. Don't do it. But like don't make a fucking maid

come in and clean your fucking shit up. Go in the bathroom to do it. Yeah. Like I honestly think about those things when people like make a mess, you're like, okay, they wanted, they wanted to send a message here. Well, their state of mind is totally different, right?

Like you were saying, like I would never, and I have a one friend when she gets depressed, she wanted to send a message here. Well, their state of mind is totally different, right? Like you were saying, I would never, and I have one friend, when she gets depressed, she thinks of jumping out a window. It's just like, constantly, it's just like, windows, windows, windows. Really? Yeah, I mean, this is a very common thing. That's why I talk about it.

I think it's the gun thing. You're scared of guns. I have a weird fear of heights, so I don't think I'll ever jump. That's so crazy. Yeah, I would never jump. That's how I know. That's how I know it's crazy.

But that's how you do it. That's how I do. That's how I know it's crazy. But that's how you do it. That's how I do it. Why would you do it if that was the thing? Because I'm scared of heights. That would be conquering the fear and then saying goodbye. Oh. Right? Okay.

Yeah. Whoa. Yeah. Well, I mean, the way to do that you think would be like the most painless, I mean, would have to be pills. Would have to be like alcohol and then pills right yeah i mean it's got it's not a pleasant end but it's i mean honestly if i could like if i was really wanting to do it i would like try to get like euthanasia and be like and try to go take to a

court of law like i'm so sad you should let me kill myself in a very humane way and then i would go like to sweden and do it but then that would take that i would have to prove it i would have to like really commit to it it wouldn't be like a, just a decision that I make on the flight. Like I think so many people kill themselves because they're just in one of those moments.

Yeah. You should have to like earn it and prove it. Oh, you have to get your license to kill yourself? Yeah, you should get a permit. So you have to take a test

before you can kill yourself. You should have to prove, you should have to, yeah, yeah, you should. I used to want to write a story about that by the way. There was an idea I had about a guy that wanted

to kill himself so he took like a lifelong vacation. He was an idea I had about a guy that wanted to kill himself, so he took a lifelong vacation. He was like, fuck it, I'm going to go. And by the time he got there, he was like, I don't want to do this anymore. Yes. But he already kind of committed. Oh, did he do it? Well, in my head, in the story, no.

But he has to pretend that he did, so people that he told he was doing it. Oh, that's a good story. And he has to go away forever. A story? You write stories? I just write these things sometimes down in my computer. Yeah. Okay. Because in the future that I might go, oh my God, I remember this thing that.

And then I can plug it into. If it gets into something. Or if it gets into, it just becomes an idea for something else. I don't know. Yes. That's a good idea. I just jot bullshit down. Don't you jot down shit all the time?

All the time. Whether it's jokes or notes or. And it's all indecipherable like months later. You have no idea. Like I'm really bad. I'm trying to be better about writing in whole sentences and not being like, you'll remember if you just write these two random words. And I go hours later. I'm like, what the fuck?

That's why I wanted to quit smoking pot is because my memory gets pretty shot. It does? Like mid-sentence, I will forget my point. And I'll have to start. And like I was getting to the point. But the thing is, it makes me so much more like it makes me go in different directions in my mind it just makes me happy like it

lifts the depression for me in such a quick way it's just an immediate out from depression but I feel guilty about it because I don't want to be dependent on a drug like that and it also affects my memory and then I feel like I'm being a bad comedian and then I'm like okay I'm gonna quit and then I get really sad again and then I'm fucking can't write and then i feel like i'm being a bad comedian and then

i'm like okay i'm gonna quit and then i get really sad again and then i'm fucking can't write and then it's just like it's a loop and then you're stuck in a loop but i think the thing is i'm just like just be nice to myself and if i want to smoke pot don't beat myself up that's not doing anyone any favors just forgive yourself for fucking everything if you can yeah because you need but by the way it's and on the scale of things it's not that big of a deal that's how i feel i'm always like oh my god this is not that big of a deal whatever i know but if you look at your life and you're like wow how good could it be if i didn't do that i think that yours isn't that that's true who fucking knows who knows we say that all the time but it's also like if you don't try you'll never know

that's true you got to give it a whirl. But I mean, we always have this idea. This is why I feel like this thing about everyone's leaving Los Angeles now and they're all moving. And everyone has their own reasons. But there's a lot of guys that are leaving beyond Rogan, Segura. Diaz went back to Jersey. It's like, I think a lot of these guys think like, well, my life is going to be maybe not better, but extremely different from what it is here. And that in their mind is a positive.

But I don't know. Like you could go and be like, this was definitely a bad decision. Yeah, it's called in different programs. It's called pulling a geographic. Where you just shift up your entire. You just pick up and move and you think that was the problem. And then you get to where you are and everything's the same. And it's just like pulling a geographic yeah pulling a geographic oh i'm just gonna i'll just plop somewhere new yeah and um and it just it's it doesn't work like that sometimes

maybe that is the problem like for me living at home with my parents that might be holding me back a little bit that might be like not what i want you didn't go live with them because you were escaping something you did it out of like But I did kind of. You did? I mean it makes me feel like you know I don't have a place to live so it was very easy for me

to surrender to be with them but I could have gotten an Airbnb. I don't want another rent. I'm already out the ass for an apartment until next March. I started my lease

on a place March 1st. Wait the New York place you still have till next March? Till next March and I've never even lived in it one night because I was out here for two weeks so you're paying for it your assistant lives there and all my stuff is there but it's like all my like clothes not no furniture nothing

else and nikki what what are you doing i don't know andrew what the fuck do i do why what would you do if you were me well wait did you the lease was march to march yeah there wasn't a way for the pandemic to take care of that to be like i can't no really no they were like no you're good you can't i looked into it i called lawyers i was like pretty much you could say like i'm not gonna pay but you will owe it eventually so i'm trying to find a subleaser but like at this point i'm out i'm out like 65 grand really at this point where is your place? Chelsea. That's what you get. I had an elevator. You want to live in Disneyland.

Up into my. Into your apartment? Yeah. That is, that is nice. Before I was living in like a four floor walk up with like a terrible building. Like I've never lived in, I've never treated myself to anything this good and I never even get to. And you didn't get. Not even one night. Don't you feel like that's how it works sometimes? The world where

you're like. That's meant to like, that is exactly what would happen. If that's what I lost, oh my God, who cares? People are so much worse. Thank God I have the money to take that hit and be like, you know what?

I just did five, I did a lot of extra gigs for that. But it's not a year's salary for me. So I was okay. I was in a position. It wasn't a risky financial decision because the worst thing happened and I was able to take the hit.

But right now, I just don't know where to go next would you want to live in not LA or New York? would you want to get rid of the coast and go somewhere else? possibly, I was talking to Rogan about Austin I'm like, should I go to Austin? you're going to be another Austinite? why not? let's start a comedy scene there let's start a new LA

it doesn't take that many of us. Me, Segura, Rogan, and then we get like three or four more. You got a scene. And you have every night at the store that batch of people plus the local comics. That's a cool scene. It is cool.

And look, I love Austin. Austin's also very expensive. There's this big joke that's like, your state tax in Texas is great. That's a good reason to go. That's probably the biggest reason why Joe's going. But. I'm not going to Austin,

but if enough comics signed on to go to Austin and start a new scene there and Joe opens a club and we've got the Cap City still and different like bars and venues, you can make a comedy scene there easily and then becomes a hipper city. We could just move LA You can make a comedy scene there easily. And then it becomes a hipper city.

We could just move LA. It's a super hip city already, by the way. Yeah. I think if I take off, I would go to Denver. I love Denver so much. I'll go there. I'll sign on to Denver. Really? Let's go.

I'm open to a Denver. Denver, I would traditionally- You and I start a club. Let's go. We'll buy it. We'll compete with Wendy and then she'll hate us. Oh, yeah. We can't do that.

We only want to contribute to the scene. We'll do a theater, not a club. How about that? We'll do a small theater. We buy a theater. Buy a theater and turn it into like a... Club. A club.

Charge up with the same that Wendy does? Yeah. But you know. A dollar less? Yeah. But she'll be like, what are you doing starting a club? We're like, we're starting a theater.

I mean, there's a club inside of the theater, but we started a theater, Wendy. We didn't start it if i would go back i'd probably go to chicago i want to go to chicago so bad but i just yeah i don't know i was thinking about chicago too you could we could just go anywhere i mean we could podcast anywhere until stand-up really becomes like what it was before i have no compulsion to be in mom and dad in rural st louis or in regular now in suburbs okay suburbs. Okay. Yeah. So yes, rural St. Louis. I mean, it's not rural.

I think of like farmland. But rural, well, it's not the city. How about that, right? Okay, yeah, yeah. It's rural. And is it boring? I mean, I live with my parents and they're my friends. Yeah, but you go to the store to get groceries. You go to-

That's about it. No, I go on walks with my dogs. I hang out with my sister and her husband. Older or younger? Younger. And she's awesome. Older or younger? Younger. And she's awesome. Is she prettier than you? Yeah.

Do you honestly feel that way? Andrew, it's like the reason I'm a comedian. You don't watch my material. I do. I talk about her a lot. No, I do. No, she's like, it truly is. Like, I have a sister who wouldn't.

But mom and dad like you more now. They're proud of you. No, no, no. She has two kids. I mean. What does she do for a living? She's a teacher. Oh, and dad like you more now. They're proud of you. No, no, no. She has two kids. I mean, it's. What does she do for a living? She's a teacher. Oh, really?

A teacher? Yeah. Who gives a shit? I mean, my parents think. You're on TV. My parents don't want any. They love us equally. I really did luck out with parents

who like actually equally love us. And my dad even said that and I like, when you have a second kid, you're like, how could I love anything as much as this first kid? Like, what am I going to do

when this kid arrives? And I don't like that. And he was like, but then Lauren came in, like you just make room. Like you, like you, it happens.

Yeah, it happens. So I know my parents love us equally, but yeah, she gives them kids and I give them like, Hey, your den is going to be on Bill Maher tonight. That's awesome.

Yeah. I think that's equal. It's oh, it's so equal. There's like thrilled with what I, what I bring to them. And they like, like me being at home.

We have fun. You do? I love my parents. Do you have family game night? When the power went out the other night, we played Scrabble. Yeah. Can I be real with you? What?

My least favorite game. I love it. Are you a wordsmith? Yeah. I would have to check everything up in the dictionary. No. Somebody could say something and I wouldn't know. Right, right.

You have a great vocabulary, though. It's all fake. Really? Yeah. I don't know what half of the words mean that I say. Oh, wow. Okay.

Well, that's surprising because you fooled me. I know, but that means... See, you're smarter than you think because you fooled someone who thinks that they're smart. Well, it's just I know that you don't know.

How about that? I know that you don't know either. When I say words and I know, she doesn't know what that means either. Just try me. Give me a word. I just learned a word this week week i learn words every week decophobia tresca decophobia yeah okay it's fear of yeah tresca decca tresca tresca i mean something with three decca is like a um decca man that seems like another kind of number scared of the number 46

honestly it's a pretty good guess scared of the number 13 yeah 3 oh my god I was so fucking close that was good people who have an inherent fear of the number 13 that's what it means you know people are born with a fear of numbers

I got into this wormhole. That's crazy. They're not born with it. They get it somewhere. No, no. They see these numbers and something inside them, it makes them uneasy.

You could look it up online. Most people, they can't trace why they're scared of certain numbers that they see in public. Well, let me tell you, it's because your dad raped you in a fucking

Michael Jordan jersey. On the 6th. Oh. 23 freaks me out. Yeah. That's when my uncle started kissing me when we were both

wearing Michael Jordan jerseys. That's why that, oh, I don't know where it came from. Well, you blocked it out of your mind because it was a traumatic moment,

but it came from like, Okay, well, what is it? What is it? The bus that hit your mom. It was on the license plate. when people can taste colors and they can smell sounds. Oh, synesthesia.

So, synesthesia, but they can't decide where synesthesia comes from. They say that's innate. What do you mean? They can't decide where any of synesthesia. So synesthesia. But they can't decide where synesthesia comes from. They say that's innate. They can't... What do you mean? They can't decide where any of this stuff goes.

Anything in your brain. That's my point. So people are scared of numbers for... Oh, okay. They can't decide. They don't know why it happens. I just...

Okay. Some people see the... What are you scared? Do you have any phobias? Yeah. Go. Gobia. I'm scared of...

I'm scared of this all ending. Irrelevance. Yeah, I'm scared of it ending. I'm scared... You know what I'm scared of? The world ending? I'm scared of, um, I'm scared of this all. Irrelevance. Yeah. I'm scared of it ending. I'm scared. You know what I'm scared of? I'm scared. No,

uh, a career. I was joking when I said irrelevance and you really have a relevant a phobia. Yeah. No, I'm scared of, um, not,

I'm scared of not being able to work. I have this like constant fear in my mind of like, what's going to happen. I don't want to retire. I never want to retire. Me neither. So now that this is like forced retirement or being irrelevant people forgetting you people not caring i don't know if they need to remember me or i just mean like i want to still be able to create and work

if i can't do that that's very scary to me okay like if i just like if some point it's like well you can't do stand-up right now phobia though it has to be an irrational i mean it is maybe a rational deal super you don't have any like any weird ones like numbers or bugs or animals. Stepmoms. No, I don't. No, you love stepmoms. Yeah. You love them.

I'm a big step. What's your phobia? You don't have one. Yeah, I do. Air shows, two-lane highways, and centipedes. Two-lane highways, air shows, and centipedes? Cute, cute, cute. Those are all cute things. Really? Two two lane highways what a sweet little country road no they're like cars going too fast 50 miles

or an hour like this on a back road fucking that gives you panic xanax really yeah i can't i don't know if i have i really don't know if i have a phobia of like i i i do this is gross a friend of mine sent something to me the other day that like creeped me out i'm a fear of dying young i'm scared of dying oh it's too late for that so fuck you know what he said to me for real what he said and this is a very nice compliment he goes sometimes i see you doing something and i think you're talented enough to die young and i was like no i definitely are sad thing to say you are. But you're not going to. Nikki, don't agree with that. You are. You would.

Oh my God, you'd be great at dying young. No, I don't want to. No, you won't. You won't die young. And guess what? If you do, you won't know because you'll be dead. It doesn't matter, Andrew. That's a dumb fear to have because you... But I think about it sometimes. I don't mean to call your fear dumb. No, it is dumb. It is very stupid. I'm scared of air shows. I mean, that's actually like... You're just scared of dying, but dying young?

What's wrong with dying young? I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of dying young. I just don't want to die before I feel like it's done. But you're never going to feel like it's done. Yes. So even when you die at 103, you're still going to feel like, I could do more. No, I feel like my number is 96.

96? I don't know why, but I feel like at 96, I'm going to go, okay. God, I wish I had the sports knowledge to say you were raped by a guy wearing a blank jersey. Or in 96. Yeah, or the year 96. That's what it was. I mean, that

was a rough year. It was a tough year. What were you? A freshman. We're the same age. No, we're not. I was in sixth grade. I just bumped it up a couple years. I still have the ability to die young. Okay, right. Yeah, right. Right, right, right.

In 96? Wait, in 96? No, Princess Diana died at 36, and I'm like, oh my God, I'm at Princess Diana death age. I was 13 in 96. Oh, yeah. I was 13 years old in 1996. I was born in 83. Oh, yeah.

We are the same age. Yeah, that's right. Okay, yeah. 96, I was 13 years old. What was going on in my life in 1996? At 13, I had my West Side Connection Bow Down tape on loop. I was in love with vulgar, aggressive rap music.

My father loathed the fact that I loved rap music that much. Like, hated every... He was like, it's disgusting. They're not even... They're talking. Yeah. They're talking.

I know, my dad hated it too. But you know what it was? It's like, inherently, people go to this place and they're like, oh, that's just racist. No, my dad hates vulgar music. He never got behind saying bitch and ho. He just hated that.

He just bothered him. Because he likes good music, but he was like, I don't like the way they talk. So I was in the throes of hip hop. I was in love with it. And I was obsessed with learning how to breakdance. And I could never breakdance. Can you still do it?

No, I couldn't do it. I was so terrible. Aw, I love it. You have to be black or Chinese. I don't know why. They're the only people that are good at breakdancing. Asian kids and black kids are the only people that are good at breakdancing to this day. You will never see a great white breakdancer.

There hasn't been one. There's some guy right now at home being like, what? No, just every great breakdancer I saw as a kid, they were always black or Asian. The Asians are so good. So you felt like this isn't going to be my thing. I was obsessed with it. But you tried. Isn't that embarrassing when you get out there and you're like rolling around and you're

bad at it and your friends are like, go, go, go. Or whatever they say. Do they say that? Yeah, they go, go, go, go, or whatever they say. Do they say that? Yeah, they go, go, go, go. Who's next? No, we would sit, we would be in people's basements

and you know about basements in the Midwest. We'd be in the basement and we'd be going, we'd go to a room that has a, you know, the unfinished basement,

the concrete floor and put down cardboard and spin on it. That's cool. It's so lame. No, that's cute. Yeah, but if you could see it, if we had a video camera

taping it, it'd be embarrassing. Yeah, were you guys hanging out with girls back then? Pimply faced, freckled, braces. Oh my God. Girls were right around the cusp. We started to kind of hang with girls, but- Did you like them yet?

Yeah. Oh my God, yeah. Yeah, 13, you liked them. Oh yeah, but we only had like one good looking friend. We were all very, very ugly kids. Yeah. Like we had one kid that was good looking. I didn't hang out with any boys.

No? When you were 13? Not until high school. No, no, no. Were you afraid of being friends with boys? No, just none of them. They weren't friends with us. Were you ugly as a kid? A little bit. I mean, I was cute. I think boys did have crushes on me. I look back and find out that guys had crushes on me. Or they just say that

because now they want to think like, oh, I knew Nikki Glaser was hot all along or whatever. I'm like, no, I don't think I was that cute. But also, isn't that annoying? I've had a girl say to me, she goes, you know, I always thought you were so cute when we were younger. When we were younger. And I know she's a liar because she was good looking.

She was a good looking chick. And I was like, no, you didn't. You never thought I was. This is because you know me now. Yes. It's because you know me now yes it's because you're like oh you're a successful guy that does his own thing now

yeah that's attractive and they want to be like I knew all along and yeah and they want to fuck you and they didn't

and you call out their bluff and you're like you're a liar you don't think you didn't think I was cute yeah no I didn't that bothers me

about that whole like oh yeah that's I did think you were cute when we were when we were young it makes me feel so good though because i wanted boys like me so bad so when i'd run into a guy from high school and he's like i always thought you were cute i'm just like like i it happened with this

guy who's like married no this was like two this was like a year and a half ago i ran into this guy like at a bachelor party that i like my friend was at and i was like oh my god and he was like you were so hot in high school and like i just had such a thing was at and I was like oh my god and he was like you were so hot in high school and like I just had such a thing for you and I was just like you like and I believed him and it felt so I mean it felt better than did you hook up with him no he married oh I didn't say you didn't say married oh I thought it was a dude at a bachelor party oh no no he he's married I was just like god damn it and I think he did say something like, God, if I wasn't married. And I was just like, don't even, like, we all know what that means.

Which is like, you want me to go, I'm fine with it. And then, no, no, no. We could be temporarily married. That was Nikki Glaser in 2008. We could be temp married if you want. Oh my God, yeah. No, no, no. But it felt so good.

Because yeah, I didn't get, yeah, like to close up the story that I started before I never got to, my first kiss was a guy that I was in a room with in spring break. And he was a guy from my high school that was like one of the most popular guys in my high school, if not the. Were you popular? No. I was like friends with people who were popular. But no, I was never in it.

Same. Ever. Right on the cusp. Never invited to the parties like this just hanging over the edge yes and sometimes they would go like hey come here and hang out with us but like it was never like yeah i was never comfortable i was never really like accepted in but this spring break my friends me and my girl group of girlfriends went down to fort myers florida and this group of boys happened to be down there they're the popular boys and they

didn't bring any of the popular girls and they were striking out like they weren't popular in fort myers florida they were popular in kirkwood missouri so they were not they weren't didn't get anything done they come walking on the beach and see us which is like not the girls but they have clout with us right so then they ask us to hang out and then i because there were no other popular girls i got to make out with the hottest guy in school and it was my first kiss and he like spilled i remember he like spilled wine on my boob and was like, looks like someone's going to have to clean that up. And then he was just like, and I was like, I was just like, that is so lame. Like it was so awkward.

And then we like made out. Your bare boob was out? No, it was like, oh, I was wearing like, I was wearing a bikini because we were in like spring break and I was wearing like, you know, and I just remember he spilled, he like spilled it on me. Like, looks like I'm going to have to, it was know and I just remember he like spilled it on me like looks like I'm gonna have to it was just I just remember being like and he licked your boob yeah

and that was the first time I had like my boobs like I was just like this isn't so bad like I was just like kind of like this is so funny and yeah that was crazy he was drinking wine high school wine yeah we were drinking wine I guess we like broke into their grandparents like liquor cabinet yeah you guys want to take some pinot out to the beach it was definitely yeah it was definitely

like a grandparents like uh why is it florida fort myers it's always florida yeah lost my virginity in florida no way yeah marco island mark marco island baby in fact you went to marco island before you that gig i that is yes That's usually people's first time in Marco. No, because I've gone to Florida for vacation a hundred times when I was a kid. We would drive down there. Never with my family. I was with other families. Yeah, yeah.

My family pawned me off to other families. Right. Marco, Sanibel, Captiva. I went to all the islands. Yeah, it was really fun. And that's where I lost my virginity. That's where I dry humped somebody for the first time that was my first dry hump virginity oh my god florida has a soft place in my heart i want to dry hump again i think that's if someone was

like hey you want to come over and dry hump i'd be like yeah listen it's not gonna just be that only that someone just wants to just like that's all it's gonna be that's so hot to me because then you're like we can't do anything else i think I would have been really good as a Mormon. Like, I think I would have been so I'm like, I think I want to role play Mormon with the next person I'm with. I think that's like a fan. Yeah.

Like we can't do anything else. And then like, we obviously do, but like, but that's kind of hot, right? You build up that. Yeah. That I like.

Cause the thing, the problem with hooking up now is that guys just want to fuck right away. And there's no foreplay. Don't some girls want to fuck right away? Yeah, for sure. But I think we've been conditioned to do that because we don't get wet as quick or at least i don't get i need like to be very comfortable and to feel very like to get wet and like i think you guys get harder faster than we get wet so i feel like a lot of times i will be making out with a guy and he will be trying to fuck me within seconds and it's like i'm not no and then it

doesn't happen because i have to be so much like no no no no no and then it just like it kills the mood when really if you just took a little bit more time you could fuck me yeah it's just because our our computers are so different you know but i but i think a lot of girls are just like okay and that's what the way i mean that's the way it used to be but until you get older right don't you see that guys that you that you hook up now, aren't they a little bit better about the balance? No. Really? They're worse.

I don't know if the guys I'm choosing. Guys in their 30s? Dude, yes. 40s? 30s. So you got to hit 60s and then they slow down. Then they don't have a choice. They can't just move that fast.

That's really good. Listen, that's where I'm going to have to end up pretty soon anyway. Because when you are around the age of 36, suddenly all the men your age are dating women in their 20s because they weren't ready to have kids and now they are and they think that like

women in their 30s aren't like able to have kids or like probably, they just start, they go, guys my age are going for younger girls. They don't want women

like my age or they're just not ready for kids so they go for younger women because the women have time, right? And they think women like me are like,

I want a baby and it's just like, it's not necessarily the case. Do you want kids at all? I'm open to it. Oh. Yeah. You hear that, fellas?

What does that even mean? You hear that? I mean, but I can adopt at any point. Sure. Like, there's no age limit on adopting that I know of. Do you do the eggs thing? No.

Who gives a shit? I don't care about having my own. I really think I could love something that I adopt just as much. It would be nice to have my own but like I don't really want to go through that. I don't really care enough.

The pain? The body transformation? Yeah, I mean that's all like a pain in the ass. I think I would actually like love it but I just don't

care about doing it that much. I don't really know that I'd love it that much. Have you started to like guys with bad bodies? Has that hit you at all or no?

I mean they're filling out a little bit. I just know, like I have girlfriends of ours that are single. They're always like, that are in our age range. They're always like, I'm kind of getting more attracted to guys with kind of dumpier bodies. Because our bodies are becoming worse. And we don't. No, not necessarily. No?

Well, yours is not. The one girl I'm thinking of that a friend of mine, she literally was like, all the guys that I've been seeing now have kind of dumpy bodies. No, I still, I still like a good body. You do. I like, yeah,

I want someone to take it. As long as I'm keeping it as the way that, yeah, not, and sometimes I don't. Like I go back and, like I, you can get a little sloppy,

but like if you stay within a range, you gotta stay within a range. I wanna, I wanna be attracted to you. But maybe these girls are actually physically attracted to guys that are in bad shape i think that's what they say it's just like she likes the idea of a guy that's kind of like stable with his life that the body

thing isn't the focus given up not given up but like that's not the focus as much anymore oh right okay that makes sense i can i could see that he's given up means like oh my god he's obese right no that doesn't mean the body can't be the focus at some point in your career as you're as a human you're like i don't't have enough time to work out. I think people who are obese have given up. I think we need to change that, by the way. I just want to go back to that. No, they haven't given up.

What happened? No one wants to be obese. In fact, they didn't give up. They went all the way. They kept going. Well, they can't help it. They're addicted to food and it's a real addiction. It's a real thing.

And I feel like people don't talk about it enough and everyone just thinks, oh, they're lazy. When really, they're actually somewhat very... I want to change the way we talk about people who are obese so i just wanted to make up because maybe someone who is watching is obese and now they're gonna feel like people think i gave up i'm trying so hard i don't want to be this way i can't help it and they're addicted to food and they can't stop and i just want to say that i have a lot of well i can tell you i i appreciate that and i as somebody who does want to quote unquote give up i I do have a little bit of

a daydream of one day not having to ever run or work out again and getting very, very overweight. No, you're not going to get very, very overweight. I hope so. What if I want to? You can. You do whatever you want. And I won't. And maybe that will have been giving up.

But I don't think I think if you get that way, it will not be because you gave up. It'll be because you have something else going on. Yeah. Or because I gave up. You're never going to give up. You just said you wanted to work until you die, and you're so scared of dying young because even though you're probably going to. Why do you say that?

Did you really believe that? No, of course not, Andrew. This is not going to age well when I die. Oh, it really is not. We're going to miss you so much. Thank you. Will you say my obituary right now? Will you give a sign off that I'm gone?

Okay, okay. Seriously? Yeah. Okay. thank you will you say will you say my obituary right now will you give like a sign off of that i'm gone okay okay seriously yeah okay andrew i just want to say to you that my friend andrew okay i'm really gonna pretend like you're dead so that i don't actually have to go to your funeral because i probably have like a gig that weekend so let me just get this done okay um i just want to say that honestly you were one of the funniest people i've ever known i remember the first time i saw you which isn't very common for like your friends and like people you meet in this business like i remember the first time i saw you on stage and i was like what the fuck is he like that is next level shit i need to know this person i instantly the second i met you you were just so kind you want everyone to feel at ease you are, you never, he's never mean to anyone.

Anyone who knew him, if you had a problem with him, you probably deserved it. And if you didn't like him, you probably are not that cool. So he's just a great person. He brought so much love and joy to so many people's lives. And we will miss him so much. And, um, and. Come see me at side splitters september god i was trying to think of a fucking funny ending and i just blew it i was getting too sincere i was really getting to a place very nice but no yeah and all yeah i would that's what i

would say about you but let's not let's say i'm not gonna fuck all right well well i'm glad that i already got it done it's like when they like pre-write yeah that would you know how funny they'd be at my funeral that people that if they like skyped in or zoomed in from wherever the gig and they were at they were like hey what's up i'm in omaha uh i just want to say what's yeah andrew i miss you hey man i'm coming out state of madison i just want to say i miss you dude you're dead but love you that that to me would be a funny funeral i would love something funny like that yeah Yeah. I mean, people will joke at your funeral. Like, yeah, people will. Yeah.

And it's going to be fun. It's cool that we're all going to be there and that like I get I'll get to see. Stop. And it's weird. This is killing me. No. I'm not going anytime soon. You're not.

Of course, you're not going to die. All right. But I'm done thinking about it because it's making me. It's scaring me. No. You do. Yeah. You have it.

We have it we have it i am going to be in connecticut and new jersey and massachusetts and um what are your dates seriously that you're going yeah 27th through the 30th august august 27th 28th 29th and 30th four days in a row um yarmouth wait wait we start out in so i'm so sorry about this butler butler pennsylvania ocean town new jersey and i'm saying that wrong i think it's ocean ocean city oh no We start out in, I'm so sorry about this, Butler, Pennsylvania, Oceantown, New Jersey. And I'm saying that wrong. I think it's Ocean. Ocean City?

No, it's Oceantown, New Jersey, I think. Whatever. Ocean Port, Ocean Port, New Jersey. Ocean Port, New Jersey. West Yarmouth, Massachusetts, and then Morris, Connecticut. Big markets. I had to learn all those four cities. I know.

Have you ever had to learn four cities' names? No, I just hear, I know because I know. Have you ever had to learn four cities names? I just hear, I know. Cause you know, usually maybe one time you learn a casino gig where it's like in a weird city. And that like, but four in a row. I mean,

that's what was like exhausted for me. That's like that casino in Connecticut is what it's in. Uh, you know, the name of the town. It's so weird. God damn it. The Foxwoods.

Yeah. You fly into Hartford and you do that. Oh yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No. All right. Go see Nikki.

Cause she's the greatest Nikki. I'm going to get off camera. You're going to look at the camera and you're going to say one word or one phrase to end the episode. That's how we're going to sign off. Go ahead and look in and say it. Pussy fart. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey.

You're that creature in the ginger beer. Sturdy ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse gingers are beautiful you owe me five dollars for the whiskey and 75 dollars for the horse gingers are hell no this whiskey is excellent ginger i like gingers