Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Rachel Feinstein

Episode Date: May 31, 2024

Rachel Feinstein is a renowned stand-up comedian, actress, and writer known for her sharp wit and hilarious character impressions. With a unique blend of personal stories and biting satire, Rachel has become a favorite on the comedy circuit, appearing on Comedy Central, Netflix, and HBO. Her quick humor and relatable anecdotes make her a standout in the world of comedy. Feinstein has also showcased her talents on hit shows like "Crashing" and "Last Comic Standing," and her comedy albums have received critical acclaim. Whether on stage or screen, Rachel Feinstein delivers laughs with an irresistible charm. #rachelfeinstein #whiskeyginger #podcast #andrewsantino ================================================= Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS VIATOR PROMO CODE: VIATOR10 DOWNLOAD THE APP! https://viator.com RABBITHOLE $5 OFF YOUR ORDER https://rabbitholedistillery.com/buynow USE PROMO CODE: RABBIT Sponsor Whiskey Ginger: https://public.liveread.io/media-kit/whiskeyginger ======================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent.

Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people on Earth. I say that for all my guests, but I mean him once again today. It's Rachel Feinstein! Thanks, you guys. Big guy. Everybody go watch Big Guy right now on Netflix. It's available right now.

If you don't watch it, her firefighter husband will never get to retire and get that pension from the city that he's always really planned on. So please watch Big Guy right now on Netflix. Please. I do. I have a crush on your husband via the Internet. Oh, you've watched our ludicrous video. I just watch everything with you guys.

It's really like you're living the life that I want to live. If I was a woman, I'd want to be you. By the way, he's never curious, never watches any of it. I'm always like, come here. I need you. He's like, eh. He's so annoyed by all of it. I like it so much. I like curious, never watches any of it. I'm always like, come here, I need you. He's like, eh, in a sec. Like, he's so annoyed by all of it. I like it so much.

I like how much he doesn't like it. He doesn't want to be there. He's not invested in the comedy world. No, he's never been to L.A. before. The first time he went to L.A. was, like, for my special, and he wanted to get back to the hotel. He was thoroughly annoyed by it. Can we go have sex?

The baby's not here. He doesn't give a shit about the city. It was for my half hour special. Afterwards, he goes, you know how you have that shot when you walk on stage from outside or whatever? He's like, she doesn't need to do that. He tried to tap me up. He went to the director. He goes, let's get her out of this. Get her back to

the hotel. It was like a string of specials. He was like, no. Who's that guy from... Was it Comedy Central? It was for Netflix. It was like the half hours. A guy, Evie, used to work with Montreal. And he was like, hey, let's get her out of here. And he just walks up to this man he doesn't know that's producing this special with eating a chip, like a complete dick face.

And he's like, yeah, what do you say we – we don't need this shot over here. Come on. What do you want to see, your legs, you pervert? Let's go. He's like, let's get her out of here. But the thing is, he never gets what's coming to him. Because then you go, I was like, I'm sorry. He was so annoyed with him.

He's like, what the fuck is this guy talking to me for? And I'm like, I'm sorry. He's from New York. He's my husband. He's a fireman. He's not in our world. And he's like, no kidding. Thank you for your service.

So we never fucking get, you know? Well, you can't get mad at firemen. You're not allowed. So the police are always going to get scrutiny. Firemen, never. I've said this before. My grandfather was a firefighter from the city of Chicago. Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service. Yeah. To a dead grandpa. Yeah, to my dead grandfather. Thank you for the service, Pappy. My godless, where I am. No, but you know what? They can never do wrong. And I thought, comically, they're like oh cops are racist and i was like firefighters are racist

dude i was like you know how many fires they didn't put out you know they were like what neighborhood is it in let it burn i was like you can't tell me that none of these dudes but they but firefighters are the forever heroes. They never do wrong. They ride around in the trucks. I love these guys. I always say hi to them. They ride around in the trucks is a terrific sentence. They ride around in the trucks.

That's what my daughter's insights are, but her dad's not. I see them ride around in the truck. I'm like, where are you guys going? These LA firefighters out here, they just take cruises. I'm like, where are you going? Going to get lunch?

Sitting around all fucking day. One of my friends, a very effeminate man named Dave Josco, he's a comedian. I think I talked about him last time I was on here. He got mad. He threw a tantrum because he asked me if he could ride on the truck sometime. And I'm like, I mean, I'll ask Pete. I don't know why they would want to have some 50-year-old man on their dumb rig, but I'll mention it.

Well, he probably sees it at the Gay Pride Parade. And he's like, look, I want to get on one of those. Are those real firemenmen he did tell me that so i told pete i was like jessica i was to ride on the truck and he was like no absolutely not you can walk on it in the garage if nobody sees you like my grandfather used to let us get on it take a photo and he's like get the fuck off like you were allowed to get on it and they were like come on come on get off the truck yeah was Yeah. Was he like, like a firefighter, a regular firefighter? Was he like a chief or a captain or was he?

I wish I knew. That's really embarrassing. I think he was just a firefighter. Yeah. My brain would set. Some guys like to climb the ranks. Some guys like to, you know, like they take pride in like just being a straight firefighter. We're Irish scum.

We don't climb. They don't let us up. They shouldn't. They're like, stay down there. Clean the wheels again garrity garrity he was he was such a wonderful wonderful dude and yeah he was he was a firefighter my whole life and loved like loved it like that was everything yeah that was like the coolest shit in the world and also was a fucking straight up hero all those guys that did that you're like that's the coolest gig in the world actually he was supposed to be here this

weekend but he was in a big fire and he told me when he became a chief that he would be go to fires anymore and then he came home like i was up all night like trying to figure out if he was okay and he's like it was awesome i got to knock down all these walls but they put me on medical leave so he was excited i was like is he alive it was big fire in Bushwick, but he tweaked his shoulder. So now he's on medical leave and he has to go. And we were going to bring my daughter out here. So now I'm out here alone, Mother's Day weekend. Where's your daughter?

With your parents? She's with my husband because I didn't want to bring. They were supposed to come together, but he has to go to the medical office and get his stuff. And I don't want to rely on a babysitter. I don't know. Right. You don't travel with a lady like a lot of people travel with somebody. I'm hoping. That's why I'm doing this special like a babysitter. I don't know. You know, so you don't travel with a lady like a lot of people travel with somebody. I'm hoping that's why I'm doing this special.

Exactly. Guys, please watch Big Guy out right now. The more clicks, the more chances we can get them a sitter to travel with. I need a sitter. That's really my that's what I want. Like, I see that on airplanes a lot. We don't have kids, you know, and I see people with kids on airplanes that have like a sitter with them always like that is the most fancy that's some fancy version but here's the thing otherwise then it's just yeah speaking of horse it's just some rag or from like that i don't know like des moines i can't do that you know like so when i'm on stage who's gonna watch her you know so i need it yeah i need i need to you could hand her to another comic you know jess like, Jesselnick, watch my baby. Not for the late show.

She'll be, like, she'll be throwing tantrums. She throws tantrums, my daughter still. She's four, you know? Yeah, put her on stage then. Make her go to work. Get to work. She's four? She's four. She screams stuff when she throws tantrums.

What is it? Terrible twos. The threes are what? Tantrum threes? She's so funny. Like, she's hilarious, you know? She's a comic? She's a comic. And she's very funny. And she, you know and she's a comic she's a comic and she's

very funny and she like works me she's very manipulative and hilarious and she can tell that i'm not in charge of anything like she's like you're she looks at me like i'm not worried about you i've seen your handjob jokes on youtube like you're not an authority figure and so she kind of like can tell i'm not in charge of anything she is already like very much over me uh i said something the other day and she goes, there's no way you know that. I'm like, how do you know what I know? You don't know anything. A kid questioning your reality. She goes, there's no way you know that. There's no way you know that. And you know what? A piece of you goes, well, she's always right. Yeah. I know. I have no

information. Yeah. She sees your vulnerability. She sees it. And she'll like, she'll come in our room in the middle of the night. She gets in bed with us every night and she knows she's getting in the bed now because there's no like can I know she's like cocky. And what she does as she's getting in the bed is she always tries to give you like a compliment first. She'll be like, oh, what's that? That's cute. It'll be like a black scrunchie on my wrist. She's really smart. She's like, where'd you get that?

I'm like, you don't care where I lay down and shut up. White T-shirt. Yeah. And that's very clever. She does that to where'd you get that? I'm like, you don't care where I got this. Just lay down and shut up. White t-shirt. That's very clever. She does that to get brownie points so you feel... Because what? Are you trying to get her to get back and sleep in her own bed? Are you like, come on. We mostly gave up. She knows that... She used to do this thing where she'd cry all the way and then she knows

when I pick her up, she's crying. And now she stops. She's like... Where does she sleep? Between you guys? Yes, between us. It's a disaster. I don't sleep anymore. That's a bummer. Put her at your feet like we do with my dogs. Put them at my foot. She's fallen off the bed a few times.

Sometimes the dog falls off and it makes me laugh so hard. Because it'll be the middle of the night and the dog's like, and I'm like, are you alright? Are you okay? It's so fucked up. It's not funny, but it's very funny. They fall all over the place. Yeah, she fell off the bed twice. That's going to happen.

Yeah, and she talks about it like it's an old drinking story. She goes, remember when I fell off the bed? She goes, that was crazy. That's the last time I have rumple mints, Mom. Falling off the fucking bed. What's the age when she's got to get out of the bed? falling off the fucking bed. What's the age when she's got to get out of the bed?

I think that they, I think like they, I guess like seven or something. Maybe six. That's like time where you go like, all right, you can't, you can't be in here anymore. It's the, I mean, it's so. You got to be in your big girl bed. Yeah. Yeah. I think maybe six or seven. It's hard for me to say no to her.

I don't know. About that. About that. It's hard for me to say no to her. I don't know. About that. About that. It's so cute. Yeah. And also, you know, you're not going to be intimate with your husband anyway. I mean, you don't like each other anymore. He's backed up.

He is backed up. Yeah. That shoulder injury. Yeah. You're like, I'm not interested anymore. No, I mean, it is kind of a cock block. Yeah. She's in the bed every night.

Yeah. That's going to be hard. It's almost like the moment we start to watch something, yeah, she just comes in. She's like, hey, guys. You're like, ugh, you fucker. Do you guys have to sneak hook up? When you do get to hook up, you have to sneak around her. Yes, yeah.

We can't do it at night anymore. What a nightmare. It's gotta be midday. It's always in the middle of the day. It's gotta be like an afternoon lay. Such a sadness to that show. That's so sad. Like in between errands.

The sun hitting your face. The sun isn't supposed to like glisten your face when you're fucking. Where the Amazon packages are being dropped off while you're getting fucked in the living room. It's so sad. It's such a shitty, shitty existence. Hey, it's all good though. I love how quickly we got here. Yeah, I mean, it's, yeah, she kind of runs shit around the house.

She's cocky as hell. But that's good. She's the only thing that matters, so who cares? Yes. And then when she's too big to like you anymore, you'll miss her sleeping in bed. That's what I think. Yeah, I know. Yeah, and it's pretty It'll be dark days. Yeah. Wait, why did you name it Big Guy?

Because that's what my husband calls me. Big Guy. Yeah. He follows me around the house and he'll brush his mustache. He has this large, ludicrous mustache. That is awesome. And he'll follow me around and brush it. And he goes, Rachel, Rachel, they call me Rachel. And then he'll be like, she's my Big Guy.

She's my Big Guy. This guy's insane. So yeah, that's his nickname for me. Big Guy. Big Guy. Yeah. Yeah. He cannot compliment. I'll be like, do I look's his nickname for me. Big guy. Big guy. Yeah. Yeah. He cannot compliment. I'll be like, do I look okay?

He goes, there you go. That's what he says. There you go. What the fuck does that mean? We don't know how to do that, husbands. I don't think we know how to like. You could know. I'm sure you would know how to compliment.

No, like when my wife says, she'll go, do you like the way this looks? And I'll go, yeah, would you like it? That's what I say. He always says that. We don't want to hear that. He goes, are you comfortable? Because we like it. I like it. I'm always like, yeah, you look great. But then they don't believe you. And it's like, what would you believe? What would you believe? Tell her she looks gorgeous. No, because that's she doesn't.

I'm not saying that. I'm not going to lie to you. No, but it's just so hard to like feed into your own insecurity because no matter what I say, you're prepped for it to not sound good. I mean, you're giving him a lot of credit. I mean, he is emotionally a desert. I'm on his team. I'm on his team, baby. He is a desert emotionally.

Well, we're all a little fucking empty. Yes, that was my dad. Yeah, I mean, I knew. That's why you love this guy. Yeah, I know. You married your dad. Exactly. And the good thing is that he doesn't have any,

like, I have total freedom. You know, he's like an accidental feminist. He probably thinks feminists are like Nazis or something. Like, girls are feminists, don't they?

But he actually kind of, like, is, even though he probably thinks they're like commie rats. But he, like, because he doesn't care what I'm up to or do it.

Like, you know, like my friend Sam Morell, one of my best friends, like, he'd be like, yeah, why don't or do it. Like, you know, like my friend Sam Morrell, he's one of my best friends. Like he'd be like, yeah, why don't you crash at Sam's if you're going to watch the game? Like he doesn't care. Well, because he knows better. Yeah. Yeah. But he's not like.

I feel like he's got the world figured out. He's not a jealous person at all. No, no. Well, by the way, Sam Morrell, one of my favorites is a good buddy, a great dude, a great comic, a great sports. It's great to talk sports with a comic because I can never, one of my favorites is. A good buddy, a great dude, a great comic, a great sports. It's great to talk sports with a comic because I can never because most comics hate sports. Yeah. You know, and there's like five people I can talk to about sports.

He's gotten me really into the Knicks. I don't know if they're like your enemies or what. No, no, no. They're in a fun spot right now. No, no, no. It's amazing to watch. Because their Knicks are just so fun to watch. Yes.

Yeah. And we actually went to go to a hockey game, to a Rangers game, and Jalen Brunson was there in a Rangers jersey. Playing. Jalen Brunson was on the ice. Playing. He was so cool. Yeah, it was really cool.

And Sam was like a little bitch. He was so nervous. It's nice to see. It's cool to see comics get nervous around famous people because our whole demeanor has to be like, nothing makes me nervous. I get out in front of all these fucking people no it's uh it was cute no he was like i knew he was nervous he wouldn't have known i mean i knew he was just like happy he loves them so much you know like uh but he told me the whole backstory of them and how they all went to villanova together and it's just like it's incredible story i love those like 30 for 30

docs and stuff like that and I don't I always loved basketball but I don't like for the theater of it but I don't know a lot about like the game but he's got me so into it just because the story

is awesome and they're kind of humble they seem like pretty good guys they are pretty good this is probably the best Knicks team in years that I've seen I used to hate the Knicks

when I was a kid because of Spike Lee and I was a Jordan kid from Chicago so we hated the Knicks and we also used to fuck the Knicks up. But the world is different now

and the story is so strong that it's hard to hate on them. Yeah. You know what I really love when you're talking about feminism? I kept thinking about, I watched parts of your special that they sent over to me,

which was very nice of them. Yeah. I'm so sorry if anybody's bothered you. No, I actually loved it. I watched it on the shitter. Yeah. When I'm on the shitter, that's when I thumb through all my friends' stuff.

The way you talk about your mom, which you always do, but the way you do your mom's impression about your mom's liberalism, it always makes me laugh because it's the same way that like your mom's liberalism is the same way that my dad's conservatism. It's the same thing. Like how? Yes, I agree. It's the same thing. Well, it's the exact same thing.

It's just like the way they're inundated with it. Like it really controls their. She just wants to be fired up. Yeah. He's the same same thing. It's just like the way they're inundated with it. Like it really controls their. She just wants to be fired up. Yeah. He's the same way about bullshit. And by the way, my mom will announce that she doesn't watch the news. I'm like, you're just wildly like, you have to stay on a small diet with this stuff because it's not healthy and it's toxic. And I say, I'd rather go outside and breathe the damn air than think about what flipping Trump is doing with his damn time.

And I'm like, it's all you read and all you talk about. It's consuming them. It's so dangerous. The way that my parents, my mom is not. My mom is not into politics. She could not give a fuck. My mom is just like me. I mean, I'm like her where I'm like, yeah, man,

I'm going to make fun of all of it because it's annoying to me. And I can't spend enough time uh really indulging in it to to learn what i would need to learn to care and everybody it's and it's getting so everybody's getting so extreme everybody's such a complete asshole it's just you can't it's gone too far we're getting too far we're the most annoying version of ourself that we've ever been but what my dad is this when you do your mom i'm always like i hear him saying stuff because he heard one thing you know today when somebody's like i read this thing it's like you fucking read a sentence exactly you read a sentence of a thing and it was like stuck you know did you know it's

like with me now where i'll go we do this where i saw um i don't know whose pot it was on but somebody had said only 15 of smokers die from lung cancer. 15%. I just saw that same thought. You saw this. I was like, I want a cigarette. That's what I said. I just thought.

This is how bad and toxic the news is. Because I used to smoke, and now I was like, Me too. Can I just smoke again if that's the deal? Yeah. If 85% of us are going to live and not die from lung cancer,

that's really good numbers. Those are solid numbers. The fucking tobacco industry would be like, come on back, baby. I was like, fuck, I'm going to go pick up some Camel Lights. It just feels like a, but that little bullshit piece of information, which is obviously skewed. And yeah, I mean, it's probably, yes, it's probably true in one little category. Everything on Instagram is said like that, too. People just announce all manner of horseshit on podcasts, and they just spew out these statistics that I think are just complete and utter horseshit.

Well, watch this one. 42% of women prefer men who have beards. Did you know this? It's not true. It doesn't fucking matter. But this can get clipped, and someone will take it and be like, it's God. I heard. I feel better about it.

Santino said 42%. So if these bitches don't like me, I don't know. You know what I mean? Like, we'll take a little tidbit. My dad does that with news. He hears a bullshit thing. Yeah. And he can't not.

He cannot keep saying it. And I'm like, I know you heard that because I heard that. That's you know know that's bullshit. Yeah. But they just don't – it doesn't matter. And they love – my mom loves to talk about the trials. She just loves talking about the Trump trials. And then what she's doing lately is she'll talk about the trial, some Trump trial, and then she'll be like, but I always say, and I told your father's friend Stan, and he's an attorney, that he deserves due process.

And she's so proud of herself. I'm like, yes, so does anybody. Right. That's the system we've set up. We decided that a long time ago. She says it like she's just gifting him with it. She's like, and I say, you know what? He does deserve a right to defend himself. But I'm a tried and true

yeah, it's just a whole lot. Yeah. And it's funny because she tries to catch away with my husband and he's like, he's like a libertarian and he wants none of it. You know, he's a a whole lot. Yeah. And it's funny because she tries to catch away with my husband and he's like, you know, he's like a libertarian and he wants none of it, you know. He's conservative. Yeah. Yeah. Let's be real. Yeah, let's be real.

He's a firefighter. Yeah. He didn't like vote last year. No. No. He's conservative. Was your dad a liberal? The books in my house are like, you know, democracy, the lie that failed.

Yeah. Was your dad a liberal? Yeah. My dad was, my parents are like Democrats, but not like, they're not like woke, but they're like,

my dad was a civil rights lawyer. So he was a prosecutor for like the DOJ. So he used to prosecute Klan cases and stuff. You're like, yeah, they're both Democrats.

He was defending the Klan though, right? Yes. Yes. You got to give those guys, they give them their shot. They deserve due process, the Klan.

Did you ever play Huntsville, Alabama? Have you ever done that club down there? Wait, is that the dome? Is it like a super dome? No, no, no. Huntsville is like a little, just like the club down there. It's just, yeah, jack it up. Just pull this thing down. Yeah, there you go.

Yeah. I'm just a woman. I don't want it to block your face. No, Huntsville. Huntsville. Why can't I think of it? Alabama. I don't know the club. I don't think it to block your face. No, Huntsville. Huntsville. Why can't I think of it? Alabama. I don't know the club.

I don't think I play this club. Well, but Huntsville is, when I was taken down there, I've told this story before on here, so people are probably going to correct me again because I'm wrong. But Huntsville, Alabama, stand up live. But on the way down, the driver was telling me how the KKK, one of the big headquarters, was like right down the road. And then the other side of the road, he's like, and that's NASA. And I was right down the road. And then the other side of the road, he's like, and that's NASA. And I was like, the juxtaposition. Was he telling you he was proud? Well, he was asking me which road I wanted to choose.

And of course, I was like, okay, okay, okay. Wait, they're like offices or whatever? It's so hilarious that they have even a building. An administrative building. And somebody has to go over there and open it in the morning. It's so dumb. Somebody has to be like, hey, Debbie, can you open it? Did you set the alarm?

You didn't set the fucking alarm last night. Someone could have broken in. They probably have a treasurer. I never really thought about how much staff the Klan has. It's a business. It's very funny. It's a fucking business. Some tired mom, some fucking working mom.

How about who's working in linen? Someone has to clean their fucking robes? Oh, God, you're right. Somebody has to clean them and iron them, and they're folded up. They have to go get them out of a dumb drawer. And you know, maybe a guy's having a tough day with his wife, but he's like, you know what? She made me breakfast.

She put out my little robe for me, and she folded my hat, you know, to give this bitch enough credit. I'm sorry about last night. I'm sorry about the argument, but I did lay out your robe. I fixed it to put your head just the way you like it, and I got your grits on the tape. So I hope you have fun with your meeting tonight. You know what, Marlene? And y'all get all your goals accomplished.

You ain't that bad. I may just stay with your fat ass. Yeah, I've said that for years about, like, all these organizations. They are organizations. It's so funny. Like, are organizations. It's so funny. Even gangs. It's very funny. I had a joke years ago.

You just reminded me about someone who does accounting for a gang who's checking the books. Oh, I just did. It's funny that I just accidentally did a joke you already had to. No, it was years ago. But it was in a gang, and it was the accountant for a gang. And I don't remember the specifics. It's a great joke. Now I wish I thought of it. Yeah, it was like bullets. and it was like the accountant for a gang and I don't remember the specifics it's a great joke now I wish I thought of it yeah it was like

bullets he was logging in bullets that's what it was he's like hey man you can't use that many 9mm bullets like four this week is like come on bro

pushing it like it was it was a fucking it's funny to think about like probably some issues yeah that they have to work through and then maybe

that they have compassion for each other before they go kill just like police a bunch of bullets into some car tough week dog let him spray somebody yeah you you you do realize these are organized organized crime does have to have a hierarchy and when you see that sometimes on sopranos they did a great job of showing like you know tough guy shit but also they had to be human about there was a moment where they had to be like yeah regular people about was a moment where they had to be like regular people about stuff. You forget that they do that.

So you're like, oh, yeah, they still have to go get their dry cleaning. And run some errands. They have to run errands. Yeah, they have to go do regular shit. It's very funny to just kill a man and cut off a horse's head and then run to Target. Yeah. Tony and Target. That would be amazing.

Where's greeting cuts? Show me the greeting cuts. That's why the show got so funny when they would talk about redecorating. Because, like, he just slit some guy's throat. And then she was like, this is gorgeous, isn't it? I think what I'm thinking for the kitchen is that we do kind of a peach sort of a vibe. And she was so amazing. But it was so funny because I feel like they leaned in more and more to the ludicrousness of it.

They kind of had to. It was a very funny show. They had to. At the very end, they didn't have a choice. At the beginning, I think it was so very serious. Then I think once it started to kind of be in on the joke a little bit more, they started to make much more comedy out of it. I've watched it three times. Really?

Front to back. It's an incredible show. It's my favorite show. Why can't I think of her name, by the way? Also, I just love how jealous... What's his name? Michael Imperioli. Imperioli, yeah. I just love that kind of jealous guy.

Actually, I had one really jealous boyfriend, but most of my boyfriends could take or leave me. That's the name of your next special, Take Me or Leave Me. Actually, speaking of names for this special, I was thinking about calling it, like when I edited it, I was so disgusted with watching myself and I kept screaming, you pig, you vile pig. You pig. And I don't know the editor very well.

And he was like, I think he was like, I'll take it back because I was like, you pig, shut up. No one needs this. And then I was like calling myself a vile pig so many times when I was editing it that I thought, can I call the special vile pig? And I asked Dan Powell, one of the producers, and he was like, no. And I'm like, how about America's Favorite Pig, which I still think would be a great name for a fun-loving TV show. America's Pig is so good. America's Favorite Pig? So good.

That has to be the name for my next special. But everybody would say Babe. You thinking about Babe? That's America's Favorite Pig. Oh, right. I guess, yeah. It's already been taken over. What's sadder than America's second favorite pig?

That's so funny. America's second favorite pig. What a dark life she has. Just kill yourself if you're America's second favorite pig. America's pig is so, America's favorite pig is so cool. It's such a fun name. I would even like to do like, like just kind of even like a one minute IG video where it's kind of just like next, next week on America's Favorite Pig.

And like maybe like a husband catching his wife being a pig again. Like me with my snout and some filth. I just wanted a late night snack. You pig. I thought I told you. Guess who's going to punch you in the face. America's Favorite Pig. Next week on America's Favorite Pig, our pig has a late night snack and gets caught.

That is a great, has a late night snack and gets caught. It's amazing because that's exactly what I do too. I'm always feeding late at night and my husband will give me shit because he says I brush my teeth and then eat after. I do it all the fucking time. You know why? Because I'm not done. And brushing my teeth, by the way. I do it all the fucking time. You know why? Because I'm not done. And brushing my teeth, by the way, I do it all the time. I do it like I'm supposed to.

But I don't know when I'm going to not. Like sometimes I brush thinking I'm going to be ready for bed. Then I'm sitting around writing and I'm like, I want to go watch TV and have a snack. And I want to go write something out there. So I'm going to do it again. And then I have to go back and brush again. And it pisses me off. So now I wait to the very last minute

until I'm like half asleep to brush my teeth. Until I'm like falling asleep while I'm brushing. Did your wife also notice? My husband always tracks all my foul habits. He's like I know the thing you do. I'm like stop fucking watching my nonsense. She's got me fucking dialed. All my bullshit.

But I mean I'm fucking annoying. Also our schedules are fucking annoying also my schedule our schedules are fucking annoying so like our schedules are so annoying that i always feel bad when i'm like hey i have this late show and i'm gonna come home and then i'll be awake at like two you know 12 30 and she's like it's okay i oftentimes will be like do you want me to can i i'll sleep i'll sleep in the front room of the house and then she's like no i'd rather you come in the room and say hi. Because the fucking dog is going to wake up too.

You know where you should sleep. Where? In the dog's bed. I tried. I've gotten drunk enough to sleep in that dog bed. It's this big. Yeah. I've tucked myself in it.

I have gotten drunk. Come home. The dog will be out in the living room waiting for me. And then I'll fall asleep on the couch with her smashed up against my chest. And then my wife says she'll like sometimes wake up in the middle of the night to come see if I'm home. And then she'll come out to the couch and the dog will be like. Because I'm squeezing it so fucking hard. That's hilarious.

Drunk snuggling with my dog. Oh, I love that. That's one of my favorite things is to come home drunk and play with the dog until I go to bed. Because they don't know. They don't know that I'm that. That's one of my favorite things is to come home drunk and play with the dog until I go to bed. Because they don't know. They don't know that I'm drunk. Yeah. She is getting more kisses on the nose, though. She's getting more smooches on the snout.

Really? Yeah. I kiss her on the nose because I think it's hilarious. Because she's like. I don't think she likes it, but I fucking love doing it. She's. Yeah, she's getting fingered and that's all that matters. That's what happens in my household,

you big pig. When he goes to the firehouse, I'm like a kid in the 80s, in an 80s movie or something. You're left alone. Daddy's gone and it's gone. I just spray things everywhere and then when he's coming home,

I'm like, fuck! Because he's so anal. So much curling shit in drawers. Then he just comes around, does his morning rounds and specs shit. Checks in on everything. because he's so anal. Yeah. So much like hurling shit in drawers, you know, like, yeah. And then he just comes around, does his like morning rounds and specs shit. Checks in on everything.

Yeah. He's an organized king. A pain in my ass. Yeah, fuck him. Yeah, he's always like lets me know his systems, you know, he's very proud of his systems,

you know, the way organized people are. But I'm a real, like I'm all over the map, but. Were you a slob before you lived with him? I've always been a slob.

Are you still a slob? I'm a deep, deep – Because you don't seem like someone that's – I'm America's favorite pig. But you don't seem like – I think that's an endearing joke you make. But you don't seem like someone that's a messy person. I don't know. I'm insanely messy.

Like, I – you – there is no amount of money that you could pay me to show you my hotel room right now. Oh, my God. I want to – It's disgraceful. Will you do me a favor, seriously? Will you seriously, when you get back will you send a picture and we can show it to the audience on the show? Please, please, it would be so funny.

Please. The slaves will have cleaned it. Miss Pig, Miss Pig, we cleaned your room. There was shit all over the walls and windows. Have you cleaned 1412 Miss Pig room? What a shitbox. When I was like in my 20s, I was more foul, but like

I remember one time a housekeeper left a note just like, no. She was like, I won't. It just says no. I have my benefits. I won't clean this. No. Yuck. Yeah. What do you do in the room? It gets so crazy so fast.

Food? It's just, like, hurled every—yeah, there's always a lot of, like, Quest chips everywhere. Not the chips themselves, just, like, bags hurled everywhere. It's just, like, a lot of spraying of all my stuff, you know? Yeah. And then it's—yeah, I mean, it's just—it's absolutely disgusting. I'm a serial killer when I'm in a hotel room. You wouldn't—I live out of the suitcase, and I don't unpack at all.

Really? I'm a serial killer. Yeah, I do, too. I don't unpack. I don't put anything in the drawers. I don't know why I was surprised of the suitcase and I don't unpack at all. Really? I'm a serial killer. Yeah, I do too. I don't unpack. I don't put anything in the drawers. I don't know why I was surprised by that. But yours goes everywhere on the floor. Everywhere, yeah.

Yeah, see, mine's nowhere. Mine literally is in the suitcase and then it goes, so I have one side where all my clothes are and then the other side is where the dirty clothes go. I'm a serial killer. Yeah, yeah. That's how my husband is. He folds his dirty clothes and then he puts them back in the suitcase folded. No, he's disgusting.

That's insane. Inside out. That's disgusting. Yeah, he's going to make a suit out of my skin. That's insane. He's going to eat you alive. That's fucking crazy. He's going to kill me shortly. No, I take the bag that the laundry would go in, the bag they always have in the closet and that's where my dirty clothes go in and that goes on the left side

of my suitcase. And I only sleep on one side of the bed because I don't toss and turn a lot. I don't ever ask them to come clean the room when I'm not there. I have the thing on the don't, please don't toss and turn a lot. So I don't ask, they don't, I don't ever ask them to come clean the room when I'm not there. I have the thing on the don't, please don't bother.

I just say, I just want towels every day. That's all I want is new towels. Yeah. But I don't want them in the room. Why? Leave it alone. Too much cum everywhere?

Just so much fucking cum. What are you going to eat it at some point? There's only so many towels you can use. What are you going to put in your pockets? You know how many maids have my kids? You know how many maids have my kids? You know how many maids have my kids? Too much cum. I don't like a maid bed.

I fucking hate a maid bed. You hate a maid? I mean, I love a maid bed. I hate it. Why? Just so I have to strain a hammy, unkicking it from the bottom of the tucked in? I don't like it.

Like at our bed, it's made, but it's made sloppily. Like it's made up. So you can get in. Yeah. I don't like the real tight military ones. Well, it's made, but it's made slop. Like it's made up. So you can get in. I don't like the real tight military ones. Well, that's what I mean. It's like don't tuck it and tie it. I don't need it. It's a little rude.

All I want is when I've gotten out, I flip the comforter back over and that's done. That looks nice. It's fine. I just don't like it tucked and tidy. And then also it gives me the weirds that they sometimes at a nice hotel, they'll organize your shit that I fucking hate. Like they put your shoes together. I love all of this.

If people could, if I could get up every morning and just be cleaned by people, I would love it. This is pig status. You just want to wake up and like put your arms up. Somebody lick me clean. Just like wipe me down. It's absolutely disgusting. No, but I feel like personally I'm clean, like with my body.

Well, yeah, you're not a gross person. Yeah, like I wash myself. Jesus, you're not selling it at all. This is not something. Go watch the pig special. I should give myself credit for it. I came here to say that I rinse myself regularly. I wash myself.

It's all you haters out there that say I don't. You can fucking kiss my ass. I'm sorry that strong women scare you, but I fucking wash myself every fucking morning so I get off my dick. Yeah, I've been on basic cable and I wash myself. In here, we pour whiskey. Hey, Whiskey Ginger fans, here to tell you about Viator. Viator is a tool that you can use to plan and book travel experiences all around the world.

The Viator app and website makes it easy to explore 300,000-plus travel experiences so you can discover what's out there no matter where you're traveling or what you're interested in. My sweet Bobby Lee got me a little Viator gift when I went on vacation for my birthday. It was wonderful and incredible. And here's the best part about it. A lot of times you travel, you don't know what you want to get into. And, you know, you usually do the tourist thing. You pick up a pamphlet at the airport and you get suckered into something you don't want to do.

Skip all that. Use Viator. You must. And they have real traveler reviews. So you get inside information from somebody who already did the thing that you might be able to do. They got free cancellation. Helps you plan for the unexpected, which is what travel is all the time. Plus, Viator offers 24-7 customer service.

So you know you'll get support at any hour if things aren't going as planned. Which, again, travel, crazy things happen. But you can get wonderful experiences with Viator. Small stuff or big, wonderful adventures. No matter what you're into while you're traveling, you've got to try it. Download the Viator app now and use the code VIATOR10 for 10% off your first booking in the app. Find the perfect travel experiences for you. Do more with Viator.

Hey, folks. Today's episode is brought to you by Rabbit Hole Distillery. Straight out of Louisville, Kentucky. These guys are seriously redefining what a bourbon can be. Their motto, no shortcuts, no compromise, nothing left to chance. Yeah, they are the helicopter parents of bourbon, my friends. Obsessing over every little detail. And guess what?

It's paying off big time because their bourbon and rye whiskeys are snagging awards left and right. What really sets them apart is all the bourbon is aged in charred barrels, right? Well, that's not true. Rabbit Hole goes one better. They char and toast their barrels. Why? Because it makes it taste better. That's why. It's not just aging.

It's flavor boosting on steroids, pulling out those deep, bold flavors that turn each sip into a velvety hug for your taste buds. You want some of the good sauce? You've got to try Rabbit Hole. Looking for the perfect Father's Day gift? Don't just grab any old bottle. Grab a bottle of rabbit hole. Whether your dad's a whiskey nerd or just getting started, this might be the gift that finally makes him say,

I'm proud of you, son. Rabbit hole is great. I've been talking about them for so long. I don't know what you're waiting for if you've never tried them. Amazing. Amazing for the price point. Delicious and perfect for what you get what you pay for. So what are you waiting for? Head to rabbit rabbit hole distillery.com slash buy now use the magic promo code rabbit and get five bucks off your first order show dad you got great taste dive into

rabbit hole this father's day and gift something extraordinary please drink it up responsibly have some fun give it a whirl. Go to rabbitholderstory.com to check it out and find out where it's sold near you. Must be 21 and over. Enjoy it responsibly, will you? Ginger. I like gingers.

You may have seen this next pig on Basic Cable. Showers almost every day. Ladies and gentlemen, America's favorite. Sometimes I'll have that thought when I like to like a watch a lot of murder and I'll be like, yeah, I'll give myself credit for things I don't want to do. I'm like, you know, I don't have the slightest desire to kill a hooker. You know, I know yourself on the back. I'm like, I don't wake up with. Imagine we can steal a child from somebody. I would never kidnap a child and kill yourself on the back. Yeah. I'm like, I don't wake up with – imagine waking up at 3 a.m. You know, I would never steal a child from somebody.

I would never kidnap a child and kill him by the river. Nope. Not America's favorite pig. I'm happy as pie with a snack in bed, just feeding in bed. Some guy – I mean, that would be a hassle. Imagine waking up at 3 in the morning and just knowing you needed to go kill co-eds. Like, you have to do it. I had that thought when i was like watching true

crime i was like i've never even had the slightest desire to kill a prostitute yeah i say let them be you let them leave them alone i say let sex workers be please yeah i come from a long line of whores and i my great-grandmother was one of the most famous whores of all time. My Nana was a whore. Before we had OnlyFans. Yeah. She was outside on the block doing her thing. Let her be. Leave her alone.

Come on. Why do you watch all this fucking murder? Actually, I don't. It's funny. Now I don't watch as much now that I have a kid. I don't know. It's something like. Well, now you're on like Peppa Pig or whatever the fuck they watch.

And also I think like, yeah, there's something – it's like I'm not quite as – I feel like I was in a darker space before. And now I can't let my mind go to certain corners. But I have watched a lot of murder in my life and I love like – I love historical fiction and murder. Like I like Peaky Blinders or like British cop shows and stuff like that. You're like my wife. She likes those Peaky Blinders. That's because shows you're like my wife she likes she likes those Peaky Blinders that's cause the guys are hot

that's why it's part of it yeah that's a huge part of it yeah definitely I like just real history I don't want fiction I want I want the gruesome truth

about how fucked up we've been I think history is really interesting it's just sexy to know how fucking dark and gross we are yeah cause then when you feel bad about whatever is up in your life you're like wait what

no this they were way that was they were way worse I know like it's funny like the stuff they complain about people complain I know. It's funny, like, the stuff they complain about, people complain about now,

when it's like, it used to be like, you could be like, go to prison for, like, wearing, like, slacks or something. And I still think you should. I've said that before, but women who show their ankles should go to fucking prison. The things that were illegal for women to do is some of the funniest shit I've ever read in my life. Talk? Talk? Yeah, talk. Communicate?

The witch burnings alone is hysterical. Like, if somebody even had a rumor that you might be a witch, they're just like, fucking throw her in my life. Talk? Yeah, talk. Communicate? The witch burnings alone is hysterical. Like, if somebody even had a rumor that you might be a witch, they're just like, fucking throw her in the fire. We can't take any chances. Are you sure? Yeah. I don't know. If you had, like, a cousin that was a witch, you would be burned alive.

I mean, what a hassle. Can you imagine? Where's Christy? Oh, they burned her last week. No, they did. Oh, wow. Well, what are you going to last week though they did oh wow well she's toast yeah she's toast we look she was she was all right right i don't know i mean maybe she could have been a witch i don't know yeah the the that's the thing if there was even a rumor yeah the rumor that you were a witch fucking throw her in the flames that's why you guys now

in this day and age like gossip magazines because you guys is great that's why you guys now in this day and age like gossip magazines. You guys is great. That's why you fucking pointless holes. That's why pointless holes like you love the magazines. You shouldn't be allowed to read them. That's why you gashes like all that stuff. Yeah, you're right. Women like gossip magazines because they were gossiped about. What else do we like, Andrew? I don't understand stuff and I need it explained to me.

What else do women like? This should I don't understand stuff, and I need it explained to me. What else do women like? This should be a regular thing on your show. I'll tell you what women like. I'll tell you what these fucking broads like. Chatty Cathy's. They like shopping. No, I do want to know what we like, so wait, where were you? What do you like?

No, you like gossip magazines, I think, What do you like? No, you like gossip magazines, I think, because you guys, you really do enjoy. Say you pointless holes, please. You pointless holes. You careless crevasses. You guys really do like the demise of other people, though. Women love to hear some juicy negative shit. You do yeah you do of course but that's so sad that you're like you want to

know what that fucking dumb bitch did no that's why we need to be burned and taught a fucking lesson i think you should i think we should bring it back a little bit maybe send your feet not burn you all the way yeah i mean everybody's inherently evil though like yeah but the gossip of it all is strange i don't i don't know why like why why do women like gossip so much truly i think women like us more than men let's be honest they do um i don't know it's interesting what people are up to yeah no i love gossip i want to you like it but you like it only when it's negative not good gossip good gossip is pointless that's not the great story see what i mean go down but well but when it's negative, not good gossip. Good gossip is pointless. That's not the great story. See what I mean?

You need something to go down in it. But yeah. Because it's funny. Dumb shit people do is funny. But also I'll say this, and this is true for comics, not all the pointless holes. No more for comedian pointless holes. That like I also will laugh at shit myself. And I will laugh at how full of shit I am.

Right, but most people don't have self-awareness. And I think nothing's funnier to me than somebody pointing out to me what a complete liar I am. Just how full of shit I am in my life. Or how dumb you look. Yeah, or how dumb I look. Well, let me start right now. Please do, Daddy. I need to know.

I love your 50s voice. That's my favorite. I love your 50s voice. That's my favorite. I need to know, Daddy. And I think also what's really funny is that guys used to get their wives lobotomies. What is funnier than that? And, you know, there was probably many a husband that threatened their wife with a lobotomy. If you keep coming around here with all those opinions, I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to open up your skull and fuck with your brain.

That's right. Going to take you right down there to the lobotomy factory. Okay? Or they put them on, what was it? Lithium. They put them on lithium. I know. Lithium would make people go deaf.

That's insane. People, they would put women on lithium and they would go deaf. It's so fucked up. Can you hear me, Mary? Can you hear me? That's so, it's such a dark, fucked up, gross, weird world. It's so hilariously dark. And it could be the smallest thing, too.

Also, when they would have to be put down like dogs for just getting aroused by something. It's outrageous. Did you look at that other man there down at the store? We're going to have to take you behind the barn and shoot you. I don't want to go to the labatium factory. Let me tell you something, Clarice. You keep yip-yapping at me, you'll catch one real quick to the chin. Yes, yes.

I know he's right. But after Connie went there, she was just flapping around spitting in the corner. Connie's a better version of you than you'll ever be. Yes, yes. Now take your cans out. That happened. We should do a comedy throwback sitcom

of the 50s. That would be so fucking fun. I could do this all day. It'd be so fucking fun to do. I would love... People always give comics tips for bringing hat boxes around. I'll fuck with a hat box.

I would love to just do that kind of shit all day. Just little quick skits. Nothing makes me laugh harder. I used to make husband whenever we were like out at a store or something because he's kind of quiet take my arm up like this like hold my arm up and i direct him how to do it and take me out like ah we're going out we're leaving and then just i don't want to i want him he's all right you know like just or make him reorder for me. So I'm going to start to say something. And this is what I really like. This is like on our first few dates.

And he would do it, too. He'd play along. He would do it, yeah. That's fun. And I'd be like, listen, I'm going to say this, but what I really want is this. And then I want you to tell the lady. Would he do that now? Yeah.

He'd still have fun now. This is the thing. Like, he's down for whatever. Firemen are a good hang. They don't give a shit. Yeah, he's always down for any manner of nonsense. The day I met him, this guy kept coming back in the bar, and they kept kicking him out again, which always makes me laugh. And he kept kind of coming back in.

And then they were like, we've told you to leave. And I was joking with him that that was his father, that it left him when he was a young child. He just immediately knew the entire script in my head. And I was like, you want a relationship with him? You know, after being incarcerated, you're going to have to navigate this kind of tricky terrain. And he'll go down any lane. He kind of quickly knows what sort of nonsense I'm up to.

So he's got the comedy bone, like he wants to play along. He'll play along with stuff, which is like, you know, I don't know that he's like hilarious himself, but he's just down for any bullshit. Because I think maybe he's so straight, it's very funny. Like he's, I don't know that he's like a hilarious himself, but he's just down for any bullshit. Because I think maybe he's so straight, it's very funny. Like he's such a straight, you know what I mean? Like he's such a guy's guy, straight guy.

Yeah. So him playing along is funny. It's funny. Yeah. Like he wants to talk about like sheds, like just things that are archaically boring to me. For his birthday, I got him a book about sheds. I would rather take my own pointless hole of a life got him a book about sheds. I would rather take my

own pointless hole of a life than read a book about sheds. And he was just happy as a clam, just sitting on the shitter, reading about fucking sheds. Let him have the shed book. How amazing. I did. I got it for him. That's all he wants to talk about. A book about sheds. Yeah. Yeah, and you know, how long could it be, the book?

60 pages? Maybe 70? Does he color? Are some of them coloring? And this one comes with, you can color some of these sheds if you want. Yeah. He likes to talk about sheds and your property, you know. Yeah, your property line. And he'll be like, hey, you know, the Finnegan's got a Mazda.

Like, that's a conversation starter. That's a, yeah. Well, because you guys are where? You're in Long Island? We're in Queens. Queens, yeah. We live in Mazda. But that's all like cops and firefighters.

Yeah, and that's like and that's the nice suburbs. Yeah, you get to see what's going on in the neighborhood. You hear what happened to... That's so big. You hear what happened to... You hear what happened to fucking Carly's sister? No? Oh, yeah, yeah.

It's nuts. She fell off a boat in Mexico. Paralyzed. Sad. Anyway, I got to go to work. I kind of like it. I think she deserved to die those stories those suburb stories

are the birth of great suburban rumors of like did you hear what happened na na na na like I hear that sometimes when I go back home and I hear my mom

talking to like friends it used to be a good rumor it would be like you know somebody had a like a Jew cousin or something like

well I always thought she's nice but I heard she had a Jew cousin or something. Like, well, I always thought she's nice, but I heard she had a Jew cousin. Ew. Oh, God. Jews in our neighborhood? I don't want it to be true. And she always waves at me in the driveway.

But there were whisperings that she had a Jew cousin in the north. I like it. Game of Thrones. A Jew cousin in the north descends upon our neighborhood. When I'm really bored, probably should take all this out, but when I'm really bored and I need to write, just don't clip it, okay? No, we won't.

But when I'm really bored and I need to write something, or like, I always Google Jews control the media because it's some of the funniest things I've ever read in my life. You know? And that's how I know that I'm like, alright, you gotta focus. You can't Google it again. There's nothing funnier than what people collectively think that we're up to, especially now. Hey, and what are you up to?

After this, we're going to go to UCLA for the protest. Yeah, the Google, the rabbit hole Googling conspiracy theories. I talked to Simpson about that. It's like it It's so funny. But it's so endless that even ones that I know are absolutely not even possible. Yeah. You're still like, why am I giving this any weight to even search more about it? I love it, though.

I think it's so funny. Like, if I get an Uber, I get an Uber every once in a while. And the guy, like, you know, they do, like, a few feeler questions where they want to get into what's wrong with America. And I'm always like, what? Yeah, I just love it. Oh, you see this? They can't clean this up. You know why, right?

Yeah. I'll tell you what they're going to do next. I love that. Some guys, I can tell you what they're going to do next. They're going to build a highway, and it's going to go all the way to Mexico. And they're just going to drive straight here for Mexico. But there's never really an end, but they can't wait to talk about it. You know Obama when Obama was here last week?

Yeah, they shut down a couple of roads. I went down them. What do they got going down there? Right near two elementary schools. What's going on, huh? Yeah, they have the greatest conspiratorial, nonsensical theory. And they don't match up. There's a guy on fucking TikTok that I keep seeing pop up.

That's the numbers guy. What's your birthday? What's your birth date? September 29th. 29. Okay, so he would go, he'd go 11. Ooh, 11s. 11s are, yeah, 11s are something actually unfortunate.

11s tend to die young. He does this whole dissection of hot people. Hot people are born on 6, so if one and 5. You're a 5th to 15th. You're a hot person. And then he, like, lists off all this bullshit. It's total bullshit. But people are fucking eating this alive. And I feel like all you have to do is kind of, like, also compliment a person a little bit.

Like, you know, you have a certain magnetism, but you hold it back. Something about you. You pull it back. Why is that? Why do you think you dim your own flame? Like, you just say some horseshit and everybody wants to believe about themselves. Well, just because I'm insecure about something. And you are. And you are it back. Something about you. You pull it back. Why is that? Why do you think you dim your own flame? You just say some horseshit and everybody wants to believe about themselves. Well, just because I'm insecure about something.

And you are. And you are. Yeah. And you are. And you need to shed that at some point. Yes. And it works, by the way. I love reading.

I just went to some psychic reading with my friends. Oh, you go to these. No, I don't spend money on it. I do it maybe once a year. Yeah. But I think things like this are very funny. Yeah. I mean, it's funny, but it scares me

because I'm like, is this person really sick? Or is this a bit? There's a small part of me that, like, believes all of it, you know? You do? I mean, I have, this is so embarrassing, but I've had, like, auditions or, like, meetings in L.A. and been nervous. And then called, like, one of my, like, friends to do, like, a tarot reading or something first. No. I would, like, Venmo her, like, 50 bucks to, like a tarot reading or something first. No.

I would like Venmo her like 50 bucks to like make this audition go better. She tarots you and that gets you through the audition? Yeah. And like part of me thinks it's hilarious nonsense. It is. And the other part of me like wants to believe it. It's weird. Like I'm doing both of those things at the same time, you know? Yeah.

And my friend was like, and I remember I did this before a meeting, and she was clearing me and, like, clearing my energy. What are you, Scientology now? You're getting cleared? Are you going clear? Are you going to meet Xanadu? She's like, I'm going to clear you or whatever. You know, like, she'll, like, do stuff around my face or whatever, you know. And I just, I love that kind of shit.

I just do. I like it. Well, you like it because it's fun or do you believe it? Part of me believes it. Wow. But I also know it's complete nonsense. And it's funny. I's complete nonsense and it's funny i believe it and can mock it at the same time okay good you know what i'm saying yeah we can buy into the bullshit a little bit it's fun to get your like sign read or something yeah yeah it's the same way i feel about my uh relationship

with religion i know it's wackadoo but i believe it a little you know what i mean like i like it yeah yeah it's fun thing to think about yeah it's fun it's wacky, it's fun. It's a fun thing to think about. Yeah, it's fun. It's wacky, but it's fun. Yeah. And so like a friend of mine was like doing some sort of clearing on me and she like stopped right, she was clearing me and she was like stopped right around my crotch area. No. And she was like. This is bad. There's some, there's a bad energy here. Like right above my vag, she was doing, by the way, my husband was in the house just

furious. I feel like the Grand Canyon. Like he just got back from work and I was laying on the couch. She's scanning your vagina. My dumb body. And then she was like, Ooh, you were raped in a past life. Oh my God. You were assaulted in a past life.

I'm like that tracks, you know, she was like, you were, yeah, you were a serf. Get up near my, what do my tits say? What do my tits say? And let me just clear your, and she cleared my rape so that I can really kill it at the Hollywood audition. Oh my God. And you pay this woman. I mean, stuff like that, like, I just like people like that too.

I think they're funny. I like that lady that's like fucking reading your aura at like an airport bar with like some ludicrous ring. You're blue. Yeah. You're blue. Yeah, that. And I think I like people that believe it themselves.

Cause if you, I think. Well, they fucking believe it. A lot of people, yeah, they really believe it, you know? And I think it's, and so, and if you can get into it for a second, I. And I think I like people that believe it themselves. Well, they fucking believe it. A lot of people, yeah, they really believe it. And if you can get into it for a second, I mean, I don't know, why fucking not, right? Yeah, I mean, if you want to dance with the devil. If you want to be someone that goes to hell, yeah, that's fine. If the Lord and Savior can't save you, that's totally fine. This is the kind of shit that would have got me lobotomized in a heartbeat.

I would have gone straight to the lobotomy doctor. You hear what Rachel was yapping about at the studio? We ought to take her down to the doctor's office, don't you think? Take a nice big spoonful out of her brain. That's right. What's left there? All right, sweetheart. Drink up.

Drink up. A light sleep coming your way. There was some woman that probably had to sneak her husband's paper. And there was probably like nothing horrier you could do than read your husband's paper. Because that's not for girls. That's for fucking men. That's for men. That's for men. That's for men. Yeah. And he came home.

Who taught you how to read? And he caught her looking up in the paper, and she went straight to the lobotomy store. I was just going through the funnies, organizing it for you. It can all be explained very easily. Of course, you see, I was just looking for an ad. It was for Sears and Roebuck. Been making a nice new pencil skirt, that's all. No, not that kind of pencil skirt. I'll never work in an office. I swear to God I won't be a greeter at Walmart.

Yes, I had a sister who was, but she's a bad whore. And I've just owned her. And she'll go in the fire. I'm sorry. I'll go. I'll put my shoes on. It's time to go to the bottom of the factory. Yeah, there was some bitch.

And then they just walk around the yard for an hour and a half. They just have to walk in circles. Out back, do your circles. It's so terrible. She has some girl just stirring an empty bowl until her husband got home every day. Imagine how bored they were. Well, that's the worst part about it, was like,

sitting around the house all fucking day. Just waiting for him to come home. That was the biggest thing that was gonna happen all day. His stamp was gonna come home again. And he'd be in a foul mood, too. He was just gonna hunch. Where's the dinner? Where's my dinner? I'm sorry. It's a little bit late, but I'll think it. Where's my Salisbury steak?

I think you'll be pleased with the roast I made. I think you'll like it. I don't want a roast! It's so funny to me because it's like, if we had a time machine, we could feel this happening somewhere. It happened. I know. It was so real. It was so fucking real. It was so real. It was so fucking real.

It was so real. And the outfits and all of it. I love all of it. And the kids had to hear it. The kids being literally our parents. They had to watch that. That was their parents doing that. And they fucked us up.

And that's why we're fucked up. Yeah. And we're never going to be okay. No. It's a wrap. No, it's over. We're broken. We're shattered.

We're so unwell. Yeah. It's really sad. But it's kind of comforting. Knowing that the end is near. It is. Let's go. Yeah. I just took out a life insurance policy. I almost died.

I told my wife, hey, if I want to jump in front of a, if I slip in front of a bus, you know, you might get a payout. Like, let's do it. Do you know that I know nothing about, like, I'm like, somebody asked me recently, this is not particularly funny, but they were like, do you have an insurance policy? Like, cause my husband's a fireman or whatever. I don't know anything about any of that.

Like life insurance, nothing. I don't know where anything is. Someone had to tell me. What do you mean? Like a fucking, my business guy had to be like, do you not have insurance on? I was like, no, I have fucking health insurance to go to the doctor. And he's like, no, no, no. You don't have like a policy or anything?

I was like, no, what don't have like a policy or anything i was like oh what the fuck nobody tells us shit also in the comedian world because we're not fitted into a corporate world as much as regular america they get that at their first job like my little sister right gets hired in a corporate office they understand the structure of like hey we need to set up the this and your 401k and dude i know comics in their mid-40s that don't have any investment they don't know how to like they're like what do i have to have a retirement fund you're like dude you should have something because yeah i have like a sep ira and i have no idea what that is i don't even know what that stands for or i don't even know i have an uncle ira that's what i did that it would be so easy to steal from me oh yeah and they're doing it our managers are

doing it yeah it's kind of fun, though. They are little snakes. Yeah, they sure are. By the way, that just reminded me, I do have an Uncle Ira who was a gay Jewish guy and had no idea that he was not my uncle,

clearly not my uncle. I grew up thinking he was my uncle. And what was this real story? He was just like a family friend. He was just like one of my dad's best friends. And they just lied to you

and said it was your uncle? No, it was just Uncle Ira and we always called him Uncle Ira, but I didn't really understand that he wasn't your uncle well you know because you get old enough to realize like uncles must be someone's brother and you're like i just thought uncle is kind of a vague communal term of like he's part of our family somehow i don't know how he's my uncle was he the only one that they did this with or that they called uncle was that like a family friend thing we didn't have people that

we called uncle or aunt that weren't uncle yeah no i just it just wasn't weird at all i don't know why it just it's kind of sweet yeah he was yeah but also then like as i got i was like but did he did he did he go ahead did he fuck you spent a lot of time in his apartment and that's how i learned that i'm a drag queen. And I like to... No, he was just such a sweet... And he got you a Game Boy, didn't he? He got me a couple Game Boys. I was his good little Game Boy.

What's wrong with me? He would rest here. I'm a mother. Yeah, you're a mom. What the hell? You dark, dark bitch. Dressed like an eight-year-old boy, just saying sick nonsense. You said that when you came to the door.

Do I look like a child? I really do. You look like you're about to go or you're coming from an audition. That's what it is. And by the way, you're going to get the part. Looking like this, you're going to get the part, sweetheart. She wore the short shirt. This is the dumbest thing about this shirt.

Well, no, it's funny. You're not even a Niners fan. I couldn't name a player. It's the funniest thing on earth. It's so funny to me. I love that. Not a single one. I don't know anything about that.

And you almost covered up your knees with the jacket. You were worried about your knees. I thought my knees looked really red. They look so normal. It's so funny that it's like you projected a thing that didn't even exist. But now I look at your knee, I go, yeah, that one is a little bit red. Yeah. It's not.

It's not. No, but also a lot of it's because I read comments. People like notice every little thing. Oh, please don't. I know. You can't. I know. It's amateur nonsense. I know. You can't. It's amateur nonsense.

I know. Comment below about yourself. Make fun of yourself in the comments down below. That would actually be funnier to read. If the people that are commenting had a joke about themselves, about what they were doing or wearing. Yeah. That's really smart that you came up with that. I always thought you were pretty dumb.

No, it's not. I defend you most of the time when other people talk shit about you. Sam and I always do this with each other. How do you keep defending me with all the shit people are talking? Because I think it's all probably rooted in jealousy and that you're not toxic. You're not a moron, are you? I mean, we think so, for sure.

Do you want to hear speaking of morons? When I came here the other day, when I flew in, I did something so dumb, and I'm needing to tell you the story because it was so – it was real bad. I love dumb guy shit. Even for a girl like me. Even for a lady like me, a lady of the night like me. I got in at LAX, and you know how you take that little bus that you take to the Ubers and taxis?

Oh, Rachel, you think I take that bus? I just got so jealous of you. Rachel, do You think I take that bus? I just got so jealous of you. Rachel, do you think I take that bus? But wait, how do you get around that bus? There's ways. Rachel. When your Netflix special comes out, it's all gonna change. Please, I need to make some more money. Please watch Big Eye. I need some dough.

No, I'm teasing. Yes, you have to, for people that don't know, at LAX, they've made it so unbelievably inconvenient. You cannot get an Uber from your terminal. You must take it to a fucking parking lot. But is there a special place? Am I just a peasant and there's a special place? You are a peasant. Well, two things.

One, you can do taxis get to pick you up. I mean, sorry, black cars get to pick you up. So if you do Uber Black. They'll pick me up right there? Yeah. Now I know this. Uber Regular has to pick you up. So if you do like Uber Black. Oh, they'll pick me up right there? Yeah. Ah, now I know this. Uber regular has to pick you up there. If you get the more expensive one,

which is a rip-off, they will pick you up there. But it's worth it. Don't you get the Uber Black? Of course. Who wants to be on that bus? There's nothing worse than fucking... I use a car booking service

through our travel agent that gets me... This is the funniest part about it. I was like, oh, I'm not gonna gonna I don't wanna pay for a car service that's expensive I don't wanna go through that fucking route cause I don't need someone waiting for me to help me with the bag I don't need any of that stuff I just wanna get in a car and go home and then uh the

the travel agent lady we had worked with on the previous tour was like I'm gonna show you how much it costs for you to take an Uber I'm gonna show you how much it costs for this and I'm not kidding it's like $40 more I think that's it I was like this is more, I think. That's it. I was like, this is, why am I not doing it? Why didn't I do this for you? I'll give you the name. There's two companies I have that I use. Yes, because I hate that

bus nothing more than after you've flown across the country having to get on some, wait on some bus. Well, and now, it's not like Ubers are cheap, by the way. They're the same as, they're. And I take them everywhere because I don't drive, so I, yeah. Well, because you can't drive. Isn't that what we told you, young lady? You're not allowed to be behind the wheel, are you?

I know. Unless it's a boat. Sometimes I'll have to drive the boat, fellas. Open water, of course. Some of the moving pictures, they let a lady on a boat one day. And after that, she got a hold of his keys. Never mind. It's just some stories I've been telling myself.

Drink your water. It's all right. So I get on the bus. And this is, by the way, the story I'm going to tell you, a good hard advertisement for women not being let out far from the home. So I got on that bus. And then I look around. And I was like, oh, everybody's, like, wearing the same outfit. And it was, like, 1 in the morning.

I was so tired. And then I'm like, oh, wait's like wearing the same outfit. And it was like one in the morning. I was so tired. And then I'm like, oh, wait, this is I'm in the wrong bus. And then this guy leans over and he's like, this is for workers from LAX. You took the employee bus? Yes, I took the employee bus. And I was like, oh. And I was so tired that I was kind of like, all right, well, I'm sure it'll take me near the Uber thing and I'll figure it out. And it didn't.

It took me out to some corner. Way out. Yeah. And the charger thing port on the plane was dead. So my phone dies and I'm just dropped off near like a group of random workers for LAX in like a food truck. There was no stores for like miles. I bet you those tacos are good though, by the way. Eat those tacos.

Yeah, I stuffed a few right in my dumb face. I just slammed tacos and sort of thought about the predicament I was in. I was so tired. I'd slept like three hours in like two days. So now you work at the airport. So now I do.

Yeah. Whatever, it worked out. If you guys don't watch the special, she will have to keep that job at the airport. So please watch the special on Netflix. Watch my special, you guys.

It would mean a lot to us. I've done this multiple times, by the way. I've gotten lost in other cities and the most embarrassing one is I've gone to the wrong airport in the city. You know where you go to the... Like, have you been to LaGuardia when you're supposed to go to JFK?

Yes. I've done it fucking twice. Yeah. And it is... So annoying. The worst feeling in the world. It's so dumb. Where you're like, I'm dumb.

Sure. Yeah. But now I'm angry. Yeah, that was what sucked so much about it. Because I had nobody to blame. I was just my own dumb mind. Yeah, fuck me. Fuck.

I'm an idiot. I did both of these things. They're the reason I'm standing here with the red dragons when I call my suitcase. I'm just standing here with the red dragon. The red dragon? I like naming your suitcase. You should get involved with that. I'll give you an I'm so dumb story. Please. I have not told this ever.

Really? Well, I'm going to leave it vague, but I'll tell you afterwards who it was. I got invited to a holiday party. The name of the person's party I'm going to leave it vague, but I'll tell you afterwards who it was. I got invited to a holiday party, right? The name of the person's party I was going to go to I thought was someone else because this other person I knew lived in this town. Right. So I had told my wife, like, hey, we're going to go to this person's holiday party. Like, this is going to be amazing. Like, they're rich and famous.

Yeah, wow. like they're rich and famous right yeah wow we spent a weekend like going to stay at this nice place near their near a hotel near their where they live we take a nice drive we get up there we get to the house we walk inside it's a totally different couple than i thought it was and i i in my wife is speaking to the woman and she's like, hey, my wife's like, yeah, we met, didn't we meet before? And she was like, no, I don't think so. And the whole time I'm trying to tell her, like, this is not who you think

it is. Like, this is, we're in another friend's house that also lives in the city. And they weren't famous at all? They're regular trash. Oh, no. No, no, no. No, no, no, no. No no no no no no but it was just like the most embarrassing and we laughed about it because i grabbed her arm real fast and i go come here you have to see this and we went by the front window and she goes what's wrong and i go

this is not who i thought it was i i am so embarrassed she's like what do you mean and i told her who it was that i had a a similar name? Or like, how did that happen? Yeah. Well, because on the invitation, it just said the first name. That's all it said. Yeah. Like, it'd be like Ryan's holiday party. And I'm like, oh, Ryan lives up there.

Ryan and his wife, they've been living up there. Oh, oh my fucking God. And then the rest of the time, I am like riddled with like weird guilt and insecurity, even though it doesn't matter. It was still a fine party but I assumed it was this other person so the night in my mind looked so different from what it turned out to be

and it was still fine no but it's exciting to go to something it was the weirdest feeling I've ever had where I was like I can't believe I'm this fucking stupid I spent like a whole weekend planning to go to this party and it was just my other buddy where I'm like yay I fucked up. By the way, he's probably so touched that you showed up.

He was. He was like, I can't believe you came. I was like, I know. I know. I can't either. I fucking can't either, dude. And that's how fucking stupid I am. And then also, we never, but we never admit it.

He still doesn't know to this day. Oh, no. Yeah, you can't. No, you can never. Well, but it wasn't bad. I love them anyway. It was a perfectly, no. Yeah, you can't. No, you can never. Well, but it wasn't bad. I love them anyway. It was a perfectly fine evening. Yeah, but you wouldn't have come all that way.

But the rest of the night was, like, really uncomfortable in my mind. Because the whole time I kept thinking, I'm stupid. I didn't read that night. Someone to this party went and said they thought it was for Ron Perlman, who is in that. The actor Ron Perlman? Yeah, but it was for Ron Perlman. But it was Ron Perlman, another actually very the actor Ron Perlman yeah but it was for Ron Perlman but it was Ron Perlman another actually

very rich man who like owned Revlon he was like some billionaire so we end up in this party with a few different comedians and then and

everybody was in like tuxes and it was like just very very rich people okay and then there was he had so much stuff and you know we're just being trash

because we're comics and he had so much like it was like such an obscene level of wealth that the bottom floor of his home was just all cameras to like watch all the stuff he had because he had like warhol paintings and stuff and we're just being complete dicks i went down there and i was like do you by any chance have the passcode like i was just being so annoying you know but i the but but that's why we went there because we thought he was like a different –

A totally different guy. But it was still entertaining because – Ron Perlman. Imagine the kind of – like being in that – like mingling with the kind of people that would wear tux like with their own friends. Like that's a level of wealth that's just so fascinating and insane. That makes me know that you're okay with killing people. Yeah. That you're like, yeah, we could have you killed and it would be kind of fun.

Yeah. And I'd put you next to my Warhol. I would just hang you next to my fucking Warhol. These are some of the people we've murdered. That's a Warhol. That's a Picasso. Yeah. You think they enter a world of like they're bored.

So what else do they do? Wild shit. Yeah. They do dark, wild shit. And speaking of dark, wild, disgusting, repulsive, ugly shit, please watch this piece of shit on Netflix right now. She is a dear friend and one of my favorite comedians. I've said that for years behind your back.

I've also said it to your face. Thank you. But I've talked good shit about you for far too long. And if this special isn't as successful as it should be, I will cease our communication as friends. So I mean it. Go watch Big Guy on Netflix right now. Big Guy.

I love you. We end the episode the same way. Look in that camera. Thanks. You say one word or one phrase to end the episode. One word or one phrase. Whenever you're ready. Do it.

America's favorite pig. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey

and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers.