Whiskey Ginger with Andrew Santino - Tom Papa

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

We have a great episode lined up for you! Santino sits down with his pal the brilliant comedian and author Tom Papa! Tom’s new book: “We’re All In This Together So Make Some Room” is out now! Sit back, relax, and get ready to embark on a laughter-filled adventure with us and the hilarious Tom Papa. #tompapa #podcast #whiskeyginger #andrewsantino ========================================= SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS RABBIT HOLE $5 OFF with Promo Code: WHISKEY https://rabbitholedistillery.com/drizly OMAHA STEAKS PROMO CODE: Whiskey for $30 Off Your Order https://omahasteaks.com SEED Use PROMO CODE: WHISKEY For 25% OFF YOUR ORDER! https://seed.com/whiskey ========================================= Follow Andrew Santino: https://www.instagram.com/cheetosantino/ https://twitter.com/CheetoSantino Follow Whiskey Ginger: https://www.instagram.com/whiskeyging... https://twitter.com/whiskeyginger_ Produced and edited by Joe Faria IG: @itsjoefaria Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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get it delivered and take $5 off your first order with promo code rabbit. Jump down the rabbit hole with me. Drink responsibly, will you? What up, Whiskey Ginger fans? Welcome back to the show. Man, we got a good one today. Tom Papa's here. The Papa.

He's got a new book out. He's got specials out. This dude is nonstop making entertainment for you. I love Tom Papa so much. A brilliant writer, great comedian, great dude, great dad, great husband. What is he not great at? I don't know. Giving hugs? I love Tom Papa so much. A brilliant writer, great comedian, great dude, great dad, great husband. What is he not great at? I don't know. Giving hugs? I love Tom Papa to death. Go check him out. Go check out his book.

He is wonderful. I am also on the road. I'm jumping around like the comic I always want to be. On the road, baby. Go to badfriendspod.com, badfriendspod.com to see me and Bobby Lee on the road, touring all over this wonderful country. That's enough rambling for me..com to see me and Bobby Lee on the road touring all over this wonderful country. That's enough rambling for me.

Let's go see me and Tom Papa. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You are that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger. Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no.

This whiskey is excellent. Ginger. I like gingers. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Whiskey Ginger. My guest today is one of my favorite people. I don't know if that's ever all my guests, but I mean it once again today. It's Tom Papa. The return of the Papa.

I was going to give you bread because you gave me bread. Yeah. And I got to tell you, a little pissed at you about that bread. I talked to you about it on your show. Yeah.

Mad. Because it's hard to not eat bread with everything in the kitchen because usually I don't keep bread around because I will put it with a thing. Uh-huh. I'll go, oh, you know,

I've got a little bit of something, something laying around. I bet I could slather some. Yeah. Yeah, on that bread. That'd be easy. That's fast. Why not? Yeah. I'm like, breakfast, what am I going to do

that's going to be a thing? How about just slice that and put it in a toaster? Glob some butter on it. Also, I didn't try your famous sardine mixture that you told me about. Sardine mixed with garlic. Anchovy and garlic.

The gentleman's breakfast. That's right. But I did roast garlic in the oven and use that as a smash spread on your bread. Pretty good. Nice. Pretty good. And that bread's not as fattening as other bread.

What does that even mean? That means that most of the bread you eat has preservatives in it and sugars in it. You have double zero flour. And this, no, regular flour. What's the double zero thing I hear about? The double zero is a very light flour that traditionally is used for pizza dough. And a lot of really good pizza makers here in the States are saying it's bullshit.

Right, because I feel like when I heard about it, I heard about it, I heard about it. And then I was like, this has to be a scam. Yeah. You know, when everyone's saying it, you're like, something's afoot. Yeah. There's no way it's that good. It's kind of like how, you know, like we're all drinking sparkling water by the gallons like I am now.

Cannot wait to hear how bad this is for us. Of course it can't be. And then you're like, no, it turns out. Yeah. People are having strokes just out of nowhere because of the bubbles. Bubbles are killing us. Something's going to affect us. A hundred percent.

Yeah. But that bread is just flour, water, salt, and yeast. And it kind of breaks down its own sugars as it, like a couple of days after it's even baked. So it is, I have friends that have gluten issues, and my family eats it a lot, and it's not as fattening. It's not not fattening. But it's not as fat.

Right. But it's hard because, you know, growing up, I always ate sandwiches. And now I, like, barely get a sandwich. Yeah. After a certain age um it's like a special treat at this point why everything is a special treat at this point i feel bad because the only way to lose weight and stay trim is to literally not eat anything don't eat and then you

have to get a lot of exercise in yeah and just don't eat it's insane good luck that's why we cut out the sauce we're not having a drink today Because I needed to clean out the liver Because boy oh boy was the tour tough Because, you know, we do a show, me and Bob And then you go out to eat a nice dinner Because that's kind of all you have time for Or we order it

After the show? Yeah, we order it to the venue So you have a runner just so you have enough time Because some places will stay open late, you know, for you But then you just eat this meal And then I go back on the bus and it's time to go to sleep to go to a new city so you know you will sit there with the kids on the bus with our videographer and he's 23 and i'll sit there and i'll have a glass of bourbon or two or three or four and then just go to bed so you've eaten so the show's over you uh are done with your last bite of post show meal

at around 11.30 and it's always fatty fatty fatty it's something hearty because you're tired you're exhausted we did meet and greet and shows so it's all great but then 11.30ish and then you booze it and then you just lay on your cot

while the bus goes like this it shakes around the booze have you ever been on the bus? uh yeah i i was yeah i've been on buses before i've been on rock stars buses before and i none of it appeals to me and then my friend who's a musician just rolled through town and i went to see her on her bus and I wanted to take her home with me and tell her, just stay here. Because it's sad. Because it was so small and there was so much in it and people

and I was just like, oh my God. And you sleep in the coffins. I mean, I'm lucky I get to sleep in the back. Bobby's giving me the back. Oh, yeah? He did that just to have something on me. You know what I mean? It wasn't just being nice because he's little?

No, it's leverage for him. He's leverage. I gave you the back bunk. You know, it's going to come up in some way. It wasn't just being nice because he's little? No, it's leverage for him. He's leverage. I gave you the back bunk. That's, you know, it's going to come up in some way. It hasn't yet? Not really, honestly, because I do all the work on the tour. He doesn't do any work, but that's... Who's surprised?

Who's surprised? Someone's got to do the work. Yeah. Someone's got to do the work. Someone's got to be the mole. Does he appreciate that you do the work? Come on. You know, no.

He doesn't even know you do the work, really. No. Yeah. Even if I say it. Because he doesn't know what the work is. Yeah, what's the work? To him, it's like, you do the work? Come on. You know, no. He doesn't even know you do the work, really. No. Yeah. Even if I say it. Because he doesn't know what the work is. Yeah, what's the work? To him, it's like, what do you mean? It's just we show up and do the show, right?

No, everything has to be coordinated with the tour manager and the stage manager and the sound manager and our PA and merch and fans and da-da-da. Nah, you just show up and do the show. Have fun, man. Enough about me. Let's talk about you. First of all all you brought me a book and this is rude you know i can't read well it's the galley so you don't have to read it in this together there's an audiobook to it oh can do you read it you could listen to it as you drive around who reads it me yeah good we're all in this together so make some room with tom pop author of you're doing great

which was also great. And honestly, who did the forward in this? Because I didn't get a phone call about doing the forward to this. No forward. Really? Yeah. Bold move. I got some blurbs, though. Couple of blurbies? Couple of blurbies. Who blurbed it for you? This one is Gaffigan, Apatow. Not funny, not funny. Keep going.

I think it's just the two for this one. Nobody talented? Jesus Christ. Matt Damon. I think they might have the two for this one. Nobody talented? Jesus Christ. Matt Damon. I think they might have repurposed Matt's because he did. Right. This is my third book, so I'm kind of going back to people. How do you do? How do you? Honestly, I mean this without any semblance of facetiousness.

How do you write a book? Ritual. Routine. Every morning, he sits down You gotta get whatever it is that works for you You have to go sit at the desk Or at the shop or whatever You gotta just show up and just keep going

And you do How many days does this take That's about a year and a half Okay good that makes me feel a little bit better Because if you were like 6 months 5 months I would actually kill myself live on here. I often think about Stallone. Yeah.

With how he wrote Rocky. You ever hear that story? Yeah. Didn't he put words in a bowl and pick them out as time went on? He's pretty incredible. He's written almost everything that he's been in. And at least rewritten I've heard that

if it was written once he rewrote it again he writes and the way he wrote Rocky he I'm gonna probably butcher parts of this

but he went into a hotel or a bad apartment it must have been a bad apartment and he literally painted the windows so he couldn't look out. So he'd just be uber focused.

And he cranked out Rocky in like no time. Really? Yeah. But then you hear the stories like, then there's guys, then it's just a savant thing where, you know, what's his name? What's wrong with me? Chicago's finest Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Matthew Broderick. No, no, no, no.

The writer and the director. Ramis. Ramis. Harold Ramis. Yeah. I guess he could just knock stuff out, right? He could just write in no time. Really?

I didn't know that about him. I heard that was the whole... Am I saying this wrong? No, because I remember hearing stories of him when when he wrote like uh stripes and could just knock stuff out right just like peel through it yeah can't do it i've tried so i'm writing jokes is the pinnacle for me of writing yeah of like i know how to do my voice i know how to write stuff down and rewrite it and talk about it and think about it then open it up and then whittle it down and peel little things from it but trying to do that it's the same thing god bless it's the same thing

really is a book advanced good is it good no not a lot of money not really how do people make money writing books for real like real authors that do it all the time i was with a couple real authors recently that's a rude thing to say because you're a real author i don't mean it like i don't mean it like i felt like i was how about this a novelist i was with yeah i was with these they've been writing for they wrote 30 books like bestsellers yeah 25 books yeah bestsellers and they're really rich they make a lot of money because how because their books sell. And the reason they write 30 books a year is that once they got that one to sell,

this is kind of like James Patterson, Stephen King kind of people. Once that one sells and they know the public is into it, one a year. One a year. And they're going to crank them out and he's sold millions of copies. And then the advances for the next two.

Huge, huge. Yeah. Huge. Who's the publisher for this? Uh, St. Martin's press.

Everybody loves St. Martin's press. Shout out to St. Martin's press. St. Martin's, uh, Idaho.

Everybody knows great little publisher up there. Um, they're, uh, they're great. They're in New York. They're like a real place and this is the third one

with them and my editor's great and I really like it I did it first to expand on stand up and be able to just do more, like you have a bit and you have a thing and you can just go off and get deeper into it and I really just like it

and I kind of feel like it might be a good thing to do when you're old and wrinkly and no one wants to see you anymore. You're not old and wrinkly. No, but you can't start then. Like each one gets more successful and hopefully this one does well. Then like I can be in the game. Right.

You know what I mean? And then it would be cool to be like, I don't have to go on the road all the time. This is your retirement plan, basically. Maybe. That's actually pretty smart. Because it's creative. Like, you could still do it and get better at it. Yeah.

Like, you know, I've been doing stand-up. It's going to be 30 years on June 12th. Whoa. Is that first show or first paid gig? First show. First show. First time ever walking on stage. Do you remember the first time you got a check or money or any monetization?

Yeah. It was the first gig. I mean, like in town, I would get like, you know, 20 bucks. But the first time, like, I went to Brooklyn from Manhattan. Yeah. And got $250 from Toppers. This guy. And it was the most, it almost made me quit comedy.

I'm rich! Because I was opening for Angel Salazar yeah do you remember him at all the name is extremely familiar yeah he was a really big guy

in the 80s early 90s yeah and he was in he was in Scarface he was the little guy yes this is how I know this

somebody else has talked about this guy yeah and he would crush but he quit stand up didn't he pretty much yeah he had this character how I know this. Somebody else has talked about this guy. Yeah, that's right. And he would crush. But he quit stand-up, didn't he? Pretty much. Yeah. He had this character, and he had this catchphrase,

all this stuff from that era, you know, like, check it out. He'd come out with a big boom box, and I went up. The big boy's here. And he was adorable and funny, but it was like, you know, so far from what you do is in the same realm. And he, I went up at Top Toppers in Brooklyn and just ate it. Just ate balls. I was just bombed.

Love it. And I walked up and there was no green room at Toppers. There was a utility closet with literally like it was tighter than this. Yeah. With a furnace like here. And you just sat there and waited to hear that. And I bombed and brought him on and he

the music kicked on and he walked out he wore a diaper a boombox, no shirt before Kreischer and he comes out and the place goes they were just about to kill me in dead silence and then he came out, the place exploded

and I just listened to him crush for the whole set and i was like i i guess i i'm not really a comedian i guess i don't know i thought i i thought i knew the diaper you got to get a diaper i thought about it did you really you had one of those moments where i was like i need something what's my thing what's my thing that was such a thing in the 80s, 90s. Yeah. Less so in the 90s as it transitioned out, but bits or, well, because they used to say,

back in the day when somebody asked you about comedy, they would always say, what's your, you know, what's your shtick? Yeah. Everybody had a shtick. You know what I mean? That was like their thing. Yeah, you got to catch it.

I remember watching, opening for a guy, this was very early early and i was opening for a guy like in virginia or something and his whole act was about selling his t-shirts he was like a road guy like living out of his car probably made good money on the shirts probably made good money on shirts but he got drunk he would drink a lot yeah and he forgot to include the joke with the catchphrase in the set oh he never said it so he so then he comes off and he's got like put it in the butt t-shirts and people like what is he talking about this guy's a creep i was like oh that's such a that's why you don't want a catchphrase t-shirt because then you gotta say got to say it. You've got to say it. You've got to do it.

I've said this before when Bert said, he's like, what if one day I don't want to take off my shirt? I'm like, buddy, it's over. You're locked. You don't have a choice. You're locked. Now he's making a feature film about it. You're like, you're locked, dude. It's over.

Yeah. It's over. He's just going to show up in a button down. Boo! Can you imagine? Take it off, dude. Although I do want to see that there will be a moment in time when he quits doing it, and I want to be there for that.

I want to be there for the transition. I wish I could have seen the Gilbert Gottfried when he started to do this. Do you know that Gilbert, when he was alive, would, you know, that's not, that wasn't his, that was, you know, a hyperbolized version. An exaggeration. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Because I heard.

Backstage, he had it. But it was less sound. Yeah. That doesn't belong in the world. No. But I would love to have seen that moment that that thing started to transition in and out and get more dominant. Mm-hmm.

You know, he did— Or the Tim Allen with the hoo-hoo. Yeah, when did that thing, like— Yeah. How does that go to—where do you go then? Where do you take it? You know, that's why you're a great comic, a great comic, but also your balance. You're so you on stage.

It's unmistakable. Nobody would say, you know what that sounds like it would be you you'd be right i was thinking the same thing about you when i was on the way over here today unmistakably me because i'm such a fan of yours in general and then just to watch you on dave yeah which i'm only like uh i guess I'm halfway through the second season yeah we're on two now yeah or no we're on three I'm in like the second

and it's so you it's so your voice and when you were asking me before about writing in your voice and stuff like that how do they give it to you and you make it you or do they know you no they do know me but they also like do the thing where you know they let me do as much as i want of like

manipulating and playing and trying and i it's so it's still a good it's still a character but it's still i get to just interject the way my brain works to him do you know what i mean i still do very much what part of him is not you i would say like there's a character um i'm on the show i have much higher moments of like um uh nervous vulnerability when i'm like when i'm shunned i'm way more defensive you take you take things more personally on the show yes yeah yeah yeah yeah it's like uh i'm sorry you said you're more defensive no i'm more i'm more i'm more like um i in real life i would i wouldn't let people walk on me as much as the character gets walked on on the show he takes the hits a little bit right on the chin and he's okay with it i hate

that in the real world right it's harder for me to like be sunned do you know what sunning is no sunning is like a street term of like it's when someone belittles you and it's like it's all right boy like you're the like sun you like someone suns you like that and they i get sunned on that show a lot like i get kind of dave will say something diminutive and i have to just take it. Right. And in the real world, I could never, that would bother me. I would have to respond like this type A in me would be like, no, fuck you. But on the show, the character has to, I have to take these weird lumps all the time. You do take weird lumps, but it's, from my point of view, it seems like you're taking them as a professional responsibility.

Yeah. Because you don't really, you don't seem like a character who's like walked over. No. You don't see, he's not a pushover. But I do say. But you know like this isn't my moment to. To do it. To do it.

I'm waiting to explode. I think in the fourth season I murder him in cold blood. He says one wrong thing to me. That sunning thing yes son yeah when you son somebody i've been sunned and my wife and i talk about this epic son i didn't know it was called son i can't wait to tell her yeah when did you get sunned i got sunned in montecito which is up by santa barbara beautiful gory it's like oprah ellen it's all i hear oprah yeah that's oprah's house and we were out at this Mexican restaurant on the patio,

a small spot. There's a band playing, and we are the poorest people there times a million. Right. Everyone's looking at you like, how did you guys get in? Yeah, we're there for our anniversary. We go away for our anniversary rather than give a gift, and we're there staying at this very swanky place.

We're feeling ourselves. We're in Montecito. This is like, wow, look at us. We belong. And then you quickly realize that we don't belong. There's people, like, relaxing in blazers. Right, right, right. That's cash.

With big gold buttons and those shoes that you don't know. They don't wear socks. Where do those come from, those shoes? I don't know. Who makes those shoes that you don't know where they don't wear socks. Where do those come from, those shoes? I don't know. Who makes those shoes? Who makes those shoes and who says you couldn't wear those? Yeah. Those people for some reason are allowed to wear those.

Everybody knows really, really expensive shoes. They look like they're very, very expensive. They look so expensive. Yeah, and they are. And they really are. Yeah. And they have a bunch of them. Yeah.

I saw a guy with Air Jordans on the escalator in front of me at the airport and I was looking, I was like, oh man, six years ago, this guy was feeling himself. Six years ago. Yeah. He was all right. Those were hot shoes. Hot shoes.

And now they're like, they're just worn out on the sides and they're just beaten down and that's like, hasn't been good since then. They've gone. That was the day. They lasted one whole year. Poor guy. So who's Sundya? So I'm, like I said, there's not many people.

There's maybe like six couples kind of. And we, my wife and I, for some reason, I don't know if we hadn't eaten, but we get margaritas and we are trashed. I love it. We're trashed. That's my favorite is but we get margaritas and we are trashed i love it we're trash my favorite is getting wasted on margaritas with an empty stomach like surprise wasted like they sneak on you that sugar it's gonna get we're not aware how drunk we are but we're just having a great time we're in love we're having this great time and the band's playing and the guy behind me is like a probably 65 70 year old retired yeah very wealthy

looking gentleman just kind of kicked back with his drink and he's singing along i don't know it's margaritaville or something he's singing along or humming along and i'm wasted and i'm just having a good time looking at everybody and i turn to him and i'm like how do you know the words to the like did you grow up listening to this or you just know it now and he sunned me by going with this with his wealthy glass he just went have a good night that is sunning you yeah that's sunning you oh Oh, it was just like, oh. That's like, be quiet, little boy. I'm acting like an asshole? But also a very cool way of doing it.

If you're going to do it, that's just, have a good night, sir. Have a great night. I have no room for this. My bandwidth of idiots is completely full. In here, we pour whiskey. Boy, oh boy, dad's day is on the rise. Okay, Father's Day is right around the corner. What are you going to do? What are you going to get him?

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Use the code whiskey to redeem 30% off your first month of Seeds. DS01 daily symbiotic. That's Seed.com slash whiskey. And use that code whiskey. Ginger. I like gingers. We talk about it all the time but also such an elegant fuck you you still look fun because you're having a good time with your wife so it's like it's a win-win

it's like yeah okay fuck that guy a little bit but also i'm still having fun he didn't stop us yeah right exactly i probably went back a couple times i don't know remember you did i know i can see it in my head you turned around you know because you have that comic thing do you have it like out in the world where you just want to win people over dude we are polar opposites with the polar opposites in the public i want to be really hidden away in a little cave i don't know why you're not trying to make the cashier laugh and the guy at the deli counter and the the the here's a good one the uh the other two that get matched up with you to golf? Yeah. You don't care about making them laugh?

I mean, I like to be friendly and fun. Uh-huh. But golf private, that's different. But when I'm out in the real world, no, it's pretty rare. So funny. I have to really be feeling it if I want to. I like small little nuggets of gold.

You know, like i like when a thing happens and a server says a thing and i get to make one little joke that i know she'll go oh that was very this guy's funny yeah that was very funny i like laying in little tiny ones somewhere i just do you do the dad i'm not on i'm not like black no i'm not dad jokey no but i want to win you over if i would my uncle and I would golf together. Yeah. And we would, public, and we would get matched up with, and this one time, we were with these two guys who just,

just weren't into talking. Just, hey, nice to see you. Yeah. And my uncle was just dying, watching me struggle for 18 holes. To try to get them. To get them to get them yeah my whole game was effed because i was just like i wanted to get them you're like i got one laugh at the end and and my uncle was just like i could tell he was like there's something wrong with you yes yeah yes yes well let me ask you this then you're on stage, do you not look at the audience?

So when you're on stage and you can see like the first like row or two of the audience, you avoid looking at them? Years ago, I made the transition for some reason. Something clicked where I used to look at people. I used to talk to crowds a lot. Yeah. Not anymore. I don't know why.

I look into the abyss of nothingness now. Really? Yeah, because it's kind of- You don't feel those eyes on you? No, I really don't know why i don't i look i look into the i look into the abyss of nothingness really yeah because you don't feel those eyes on you like no i really don't i really kind of look through them and in public now i don't i i i don't know i don't want to call any attention for some reason in public which is ironic i thought about this the other day it's funny you're bringing this up i wrote this whole thing down in my journal about could be a book we're obsessed with uh attention right comics are look at me look at me look at me look at me but i'm i am genuinely one of these guys it's like look at me only on stage please don't ever look at me off stage what about social media i fucking hate it yeah i hate it i can't do it i'm so bad at it i just i don't know what i would want to show people on

there i know what do i want to show i don't really fucking know the people who are great at it or successful by just the numbers have never think when they pick up their device like oh who wants to see this oh that's every oh my god they never think that the moment i'm about to post a photo yeah i literally go this is stupid like every time i'm like right who wants to see this nobody wants this and why would they want this no i don't know what i bought what maybe something happened in my life where i started to just want less and less attention in the real world and i'm also i pine for this bullshit of like i want to be a normal guy thing all the time. I want to blend into nothingness. I don't want anybody to see me, you know, and I'm not, I'm very marginally famous, but like when you see people that see you, it's cool and it's nice and thank you.

Yeah. But I like the, I like, uh, strolling through the thing and being the nobody. I like it. You do. I like it. thing and being the nobody i like it you do i like it so you travel yeah for instance you uh you head off to the airport you go fly somewhere you're somewhere for a couple of days you fly back yeah um not one person's says hey are you the guy from the oh they say a lot of you say it if if nobody says they recognize you great you're great all good yeah meanwhile and then

traveling with bobby lee it's the it's the literal it's the literal polar opposite he loves it he basks in it he purposely walks slow hoping people are gonna see him like yeah and it's not there's nothing wrong with it but i for some reason i've always been um i think if you know what it is i feel like i was i feel like i'm um i'm embarrassed a little bit of the uh attention i don't even know how to feel about it so so somebody's like dude my my reaction is like get out of here and like to like run away. I don't know why, man. I like saying hi if they're nice and polite, but yeah, you take it easy. You like it. It's fine. I like it.

Yeah, I like it. Because it's, I like it as like an indicator that I'm there. They still know. Yeah, like, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's like an indicator, like it's a couple. I don't need a lot. Just a few. They still know. Yeah, I get it. And I also have this thing that people think maybe you have just a very sweet disposition to people out in the public. They would just think you're very approachable. And I have a thing where people think they're like, I don't want to say anything to him.

Who knows how he'll react. But I'm always nice and polite when people say hi. If it's nice. Right. If it's across the street, hi! Is the Dave audience a different thing than you're used to? Well, yeah. I mean, it's, you know, it's younger.

It's a little like, you know, yeah, they're the people that will yell across the street. Yeah. And then if you don't stop, it's like, what the fuck, man? Right. Like, well, I don't want to go to the thing, you know? I don't know, man. Right. Like, well, I don't want to go to the thing, you know? I don't know, man. Yeah. I keep it,

I'll keep, I keep it moving. But also, I like to, especially now with I travel, man, I like to, I like to hide somewhere

in the airport. Right. I pick a spot to hide. Oh, me too. So I can ride or whatever. Yeah, I know, you're like me in that regard. Yeah.

You're like a little nook. Oh, yeah, 100%. Those empty gates where there's nobody. Give me a good old empty gate, baby. So nice this saint paul i'm hiding out in saint paul for the next hour and a half that is one of my favorite that's like one of my favorite things is to hide away i get in my little book yeah i get on my ipad watch a show that i don't even

like anymore but i'm just doing it because it's my yeah 50th flight that month you know have you watched an entire series of television and actually hated it like hate watched a whole season oh no i bail i bail on so many shows i commit and i'm actually angry but so i literally text my wife being like fucking episode eight and she's like why are you doing i'm like i gotta do it i don't know why i'm like that with books right you finish i finish you doing it? I'm like, I gotta do it. I don't know why. I'm like that with books. Right, you finish. I finish. Even if it sucks.

I'm in a 600-pager right now. What are you reading, the Bible? It's so big. Who needs 600 pages? That's like three books. You know what? It was a lot of fun for 494. After 494, it's year over. And it's just, it's taking me to my knees.

And I'm like, I'm allowed to skip. Can I skip? No, no. You can't skip. It's brutal. Where's the easiest place to read for you? Easiest place to read for me is in the house if no one's there. Yeah.

A room in the house specifically that you like? I can move. I'll say one. I like bed. I like office. I like bed. I can't I can move. I'll say what? My wife does bed. I like office. I like... Bed? I can't read in bed. I'm on bed. It's too short. I'm a slow reader. I read a lot, but I'm slow. So, like, by the time I get into bed,

I'm gonna get, like, a page and a half before I'm gonna nod out. That's why I can't do bed. Yeah. I don't even want to be there. I do bed because my wife takes a long time to get ready. To go to bed. When she's like, I've gotta get to bed. I know that even want to be there. Yeah. I do bed because my wife takes a long time to get ready. To go to bed. When she's like, I've got to get to bed. I know that's 30 to 40 minutes.

Dude, that's so funny. Do you have a bit about that? No. And you really should. Yeah. Anybody who lives with another person, you don't even have to be married. The moment they go, we should get ready for bed. And this has always been a discussion where I say, just because you want to go to bed,

I don't have to go to bed. Right. We're two separate entities say just because you want to go to bed i don't have to go to bed right we're two separate entities but they like you to go to come on come to bed if you're home yeah if you're not out doing shows and you're here you just come to bed and i know still that i'll be sitting on the couch and she goes into the magic chamber to do i don't know to transform to log into the to the space you know to know, to tell the other planet what's going on down here. And then finally, she's like, are you finally ready? And it's like. You've watched a whole nother thing. I'm good. I watched another episode of a show I don't like.

While you were in there, I took the dog out twice. Yeah. Yeah. There is the let's get ready for bed thing that is. Yeah. It makes me think like, am I an animal? Like, I just brush my teeth, take a pill, and go to bed. What else could I do?

Apparently scrubbing. Scrubbing. Rubbing. Scrubbing. Reapplying. Lotioning. There's a lot going on. Well, that's why they look better than us.

100%. But we're not supposed to look good. No. This is the way it's supposed to look. Yeah. That's kind of the greatest part about a guy is that this is it. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't, there is not going to be a final touch. This is it. It's going to, this is as good as it's going to get. I actually love on set when they, when they, when I'm on set for something and they go final touches and the makeup artist always will look at me and go, it's okay. And walk away, which is like, I'm not going to. Especially with full head of hair and beard, you're only dealing with this much in here. And a little bit of eyeball stuff.

And you got eyebrows on the top, so. That's fine. Yeah. Cover up a little bit of redness sometimes. But otherwise, you're like, you're not going to make me, you're not going to transform me into Brad Pitt. Right. This is it. They know what they bought, you know.

The funnier looking, the better. Honestly, you have a look, you got to have the look you can't be they can't make you kind of try to look sexy the worst thing hollywood does is make and i'm not taking a shot at anybody individually but there's people who are not that attractive and they try to make them hot hollywood does a thing where they you know what i mean i'm not gonna say anything males or females oh they do this much more to females than males where they're kind of you know unorthodox looking but they sell you as like it's a sex symbol and you're like look man i'm not a super model but i know what a sex symbol is and that person's in my category. Stop boosting them up. What's weird is watching funny people. Be hot.

All of a sudden, they're in it for a while. They see themselves for a while. And they're so, like, anti that glam. Yeah. Or even, like, using beauty as a metric. It's, like, nowhere cooler than that. And then a couple laps around famous town uh-huh all of a sudden they show up and they're wearing something hot they're doing it they're like they

smell better it wears you down i think it must wear people down well it's also when somebody people always comment about it negatively you know like i talked to segura about that right he lost a lot of weight he's in great shape and uh-huh it is funny when people have a comment about that once in a while you'll hear it or see it yeah it's like oh you know thinks he's too good but it's like i think he just wants to keep living a little bit longer and take care of his body and and these new kids that showed up yeah and it's like i don't well i don't know what the there is a way there is only kind of two ways to go is you maintain who you are forever if that is good for you or you've got to get better because if you're on the other path of, you know, you're selling this other bad product where you're like, I'm not taking care of myself at all. I'm drinking too much.

I'm doing this. Yeah. It's going to get you. So you do kind of. A hundred percent. It gets you. It gets you. A hundred percent.

That's why I like that. We'll take breaks from having some sauce and eating bad food because easy slip away into sad boy town. Yeah. Your body actually tells you like it's time. It's time. Yeah. That's the thing that I always realized or just maybe I just felt kind of lucky. I just knew I wasn't going to become a raging alcoholic.

Yeah. Like there's been times when I drank more than others but I knew I wasn't going to be a raging alcoholic just because feeling like shit the next day was so unpleasant that it wasn't worth like my body would just be like alright come on stop it

you know what I mean yeah sometimes I feel like when I do get hung over every once in a while if I party too much or gone out and had fun I feel like when I do get hung over every once in a while, if I party too much or gone out and had fun, I'm like, I'm negotiating with my body. The next morning, I feel like it's doing this thing where it's like, we could shut it off. And I'm like, I won't eat that. And they're like, just remember, we could shut it off. Shut what off?

This whole thing, like you can feel it being like, you know, this is, don't fuck with us, dude. We have a direct line to the heart and the mind. And we can cut this thing off. The lights can go out. Like, I heard a thing from Dax Shepard about when he was at the throes of his addiction, had drank like two bottles of Jack, a case of beer, and taken every kind of pill he had. And he woke up two days later. Whoa.

And he goes, you know, what's crazy thing about addiction? Wasn't even my bottom. He's like, I did it again. Whoa. And that's,

I mean, shout out to him for his sobriety. That's great. But that also helps me go, okay, I'm okay. I just had a burrito after drinking too much the other night. That was my,

I felt bad about that. My cousin and I went to go get a famous burrito that I love in Arizona and I was like, we're okay. I feel like shit, but we're okay.

Yeah, this is our like Led Zeppelin moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Their peak is. How insane did they get?

Then they ate a burrito at 12 o'clock at night. Yeah. Yeah, when I hit the, when I went to bed at one o'clock, I was like,

you're a lunatic. Yeah. This is when I went to bed at one o'clock, I was like, you're a lunatic. Yeah. This is nervous. I'm scared for you. I know. But late night burritos were a thing that I used to love doing and now can't do it. What's your late night sucker food? I've been really dialed back on the late night.

Like, I used to eat late all the time. Yeah, no more. No. You're a good boy you don't sneak to the fridge sometimes downstairs no wow no at home never that's incredible at home never see home is where maybe popcorn if my daughter rolls through but uh with a ball but i it's really on the road because your schedule's so screwed up and a lot of times there's not time to eat before the show then the show's over and it's like your only time for joy before you start feeling the

pressure of another show is like that night that is true and it's like it's hard not to eat then oh and snack snack yeah a snacky bullshit yeah yeah snacky when your kids are around the house and you're writing your book do you have to tell people do you kids are around the house and you're writing your book, do you have to tell people? Do you have to do the thing where you're like, you have to leave me, everyone has to leave me alone and go away? Yeah, if the door is shut, then... That's fuck off. Then, yeah. Wow.

Which everybody breaches. I was going to say, that's got to be cracked multiple times. 100%. But my kids are older now. They're like, one's in school and one's... Yeah, they're young adults. Yeah. They know, but they get it.

They don't even want to come in. Right. What's he doing in there? Yeah, right. Writing a book? I mean, that's just endless them mocking you. Yeah, exactly. Do they like your comedy?

I don't know if they like my comedy as much as... They do think I'm funny. Okay, that's all that matters. Yeah, I can make them laugh. That's good. That's done. And that's great. Liking...

They don't need to like my jokes about whatever. Well, but yeah, that's such a hard hill to climb where it's like they know you so they've got a different angle on the way you talk

about stuff anyway. So it's impossible when someone's like, your parents proud or your wife is significant other, your kids. Whenever people ask that, it's always like, I think they love me and they're happy that I'm funny. Yeah, 100%. They don't know how to like this the way.

They do know how to criticize it. That's for sure. Yeah. Yeah, that's the one thing that family members will be like, I didn't like that joke. Yeah. It's like, well, okay. Yeah.

The kids don't really comment about the act. They don't? No. My wife will, but not the kids. Has she ever helped you? Like, has she ever punched up stuff? She was a comic. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, you said that. That's right. So sometimes she does? Yeah. Do you like that or no? Yeah. If she, yeah. She do you like that or no yeah if she yeah she gives you good tags which but because she's a comic if i don't use it and she gets mad i'm like i know but the joke's kind of over and we don't really use it yeah and she's like well

it's not over yeah because i would made it better she won't give it up she'll keep coming with it the best the best thing about being around her is she's just funny. She's not a comedian anymore, but she's still a comic mind. And so I'll just watch her, like, you know, shitting on people or doing whatever and saying very funny things or having an insight about something that's going on culturally. And I'll quietly just steal from her. Oh, that's good. Yeah. Like, her insights are really good. Your next special is called Quietly. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

Like, her insights are really good. Your next special is called Quietly Stealing from My Wife. Yeah. That's wonderful. Yeah. That is true. The kids don't have, like, a real opinion on it. Like, my daughter came to my taping of my last special,

and she said it was good, and that was it. It was good. And I didn't ask her any specifics. I didn't, you know. My other daughter saw me like two summers ago in front of a really large crowd and it was the first time that she, like, which is great.

Like, dad leaves and does his thing, but what that thing is, who knows, really. Yeah. I know he's a comedian. Or who cares. I see it on what right yeah but when she saw she like kind of curled up on me after the show oh she was kind of thrown by the what this thing was like why is why is he talking all of them it's kind of great it

was very cool and it was like that's we never talked about it or anything, but her affection or just kind of like wanting to be familiar was like seeing your dad without a beard after he shaves his beard. Nightmare. And you're like, what is this? Are you still my dad? Right. It was kind of that moment. Are you leaving us? Yeah.

Do you have another family and this is just a way to get out? Yeah. No, it is true there was those moments uh when you said that like dude when my wife does when she dropped little tiny bombs they're so powerful because she's quite she's quiet and she's yeah but when she does say something god is it true it's like oh my god there's also moments i realize that i'll find myself doing at home that they're monotonously funny. And you don't really – I don't really use it in my act at all. I don't really take stuff from home into my act.

Yeah. So – You're right. I had a moment the other day where I don't think I'd ever do anything with it. But it was just – I wish I could record what I looked like because my dog, they're doing construction next door. Yeah. And my dog is so, she hates the rumble of like when a thing is pounding. Right?

Like she's, some dogs can like hear stuff and now she hates, like it freaks her out. Oh, yeah. And I always say she's too low to the earth. That's why. Her ears are right there. You know what I mean? She's like dragging the ground. But she panics and freaks out.

And she wouldn't eat her, she wouldn't eat, you know, breakfast. She wouldn't eat. We put she panics and freaks out and she wouldn't eat her she wouldn't eat you know breakfast she wouldn't eat we put the food out and she just didn't want to eat it and because i could tell she was just kind of too anxious to eat so the other day uh multiple times i'm trying to get her you know come on nothing so i get down on my knees and like like on all fours like a dog and I'm digging in her bowl with my fingers of all her chopped up gross food and there's little pieces of chunks of chicken we put real chicken in it because she loves real chicken and and I I was hand feeding her and she would take it and then sit back and wait for me to dig in there again and do it like she would like royalty and i was just i was i started cracking the fuck up at myself to think man if there was a video of me hand feeding this dog and her waiting

for to be ready like you know that one thank you and i was like this is this is the comedic world that i miss at home that i know because she's she caught me doing it the point of it is she caught me doing it and she walked up it is she caught me doing it and she walked up quietly where I didn't notice she was there, I guess. I mean, maybe I thought she was around

but wasn't staring at me. Yeah. And I stopped and looked up and she just goes, real sad. Real sad. Like, and I don't know,

I'm like, are you making fun of the dog or me that it's sad she won't eat unless I feed her or am I just a pathetic loser who succumbed to the dog's anxiety? Either way, I was cracking up.

Real sad. Just real sad. And it was. I was like, God, this is pathetic as fuck. But those little bomb moments at home are like— And they don't creep into your act. No, not really. Only because it's just I like the comedy of that thing more of like having a laugh at home yeah because it's so separate from the our world

of chaos and overthinking and i don't know i uh anything that's like slightly inappropriate the kids will laugh to like you really them. Because the world isn't inappropriate any longer. Yeah. Like, they don't hear, like, in school, like, everything we heard. Like. Yeah, isn't that funny? They don't hear any crazy shit anymore. None of it.

I mean. They see it on the internet. It's around. Yeah. But it's definitely not. And it's definitely not heard from adults. Right. So if you say anything off color or whatever, then they really fall out.

They like that. They like it. But you rarely do that. Rarely do it. Yeah. But if it's in context of something, even just saying someone's fat, like making a fat joke about their uncle. Right. Like that. They love it. Just crush. Just crush. Because they're just like their uncle. Right. Like that.

They love it. Crush. Just crush. Because they're just like oh my god. Yeah. I mean because everyone's still thinking it.

Everyone knows that Uncle Bob is fat. Uncle Bob is fat. But nobody says people are fat anymore. Can't say that anymore. Can't say that. No.

But where everyone's walking around like thinking to themselves Uncle Bob's really fat. Yeah. And then somebody makes a fat joke about Uncle Bob they're like they'll fall off their chair. That's like my grandfather he

would you know look it wasn't ever to their face or anything but he would do but he would always say stuff and as kids we loved to hear him say it like he would go if there was a heavy person he would go he doesn't miss a meal person he would go oh he doesn't miss a meal but it was small stuff and we as kids we thought that was we were like guys that's crazy he said that's because he was really funny yeah he would take little tiny slights or shots like

that he loved he loved stuff like never never to them but nowadays if somebody said that in public to someone else and they overheard someone else heard you, oh, they chastise you. Yeah, what is wrong with you? Why would you say that about that guy? Yeah. It's like, well, I didn't, I don't mean to, I don't want anything negative. It's just a small throwaway. Yeah, it's almost like when I go to a new set, I'm always so worried about what to joke about.

Like in the hair and makeup chair or something or meeting someone. Right. It's just you don't even know anymore. So I'm always like. Yeah. I let them say something insane. Uh-huh. And then I go, oh, okay.

All right. We're going to, yeah. Yeah. We're in a safe space. There was a girl, Jermaine Fowler and I did this movie together. And, you know, we're in Australia. And her name is Nick. The woman, Nick.

And her friend says, you know, they add AS to a lot of stuff, like Macca's is McDonald's. Oh, really? Macca's, get a Macca's. Yeah, it's very they do that to a lot of stuff, like you know, but she said Nicka's. Nick is her nickname.

Yeah, and she kept saying it over and over and jermaine looked at me at one point he was like it's close and i was like it is close it is close it is close but we didn't want to make the joke because we were afraid they would be like yeah i didn't i know i i never you know what i mean i we don't want to make her go oh my god does it it does sound like that. And I don't, that's not, it's a joke that we, yeah. But what a delight when you're, I mean, these are workplaces. These were never considered workplaces before.

Right. This wasn't being in an office. Now it is all an office. It was a playpen. It was the kids did it. It was a playpen. It was the kids did it. But like so great. Like my editor, this isn't a plug of the book, but my editor for the book is just, she's been in the business for a while.

Many, many years. And it's just like once you have someone that you do work with. Well, yeah. And you're on the same page and you can have a laugh about whatever and no one's gonna be so nice get a penalty it's so great it's such it just bonds so much the relief is so much easier when you feel like you don't have to hold your tongue yeah because you're not because you're being truthful you're being honest with each other yes you know does she say does she say to you will she sometimes go this is not good no she's never done it but there's other editors below her who have um and they've been fired and they've since been fired they've since been let go so yeah sure yeah there was one like in the last book uh it was there was it was right during like the throes of Me Too,

and there was something I was talking about, I think it's just my relationship with somebody or something. It wasn't really heavy, but she was like, may want to think about this? And it was literally from the news of the month, it was like, yeah, we probably should. Yeah, we'll think about it. Yeah.

Well, that's like I saw somebody post it online. Steven Tyler, in his book, talked about dating like a 14-year-old or something insane. It was all over the internet. Like it made the internet. Yeah. And then people were like condemning and obviously like voicing their opinion about how it's gross and insane that, you know. And then I couldn't help but be like, yeah, but he wrote it and it's edited.

It's almost like, well, he must know because he said it. It's not like, it's like he told them to be like, yeah, but he wrote it and it's edited. It's almost like, well, he must know because he said it. It's not like he told them to be like, yeah, yeah, put it in there. And you know somebody was like, well. Wait, she's 15? No, I think she was 14. And they were like, do you really want us to put it? Okay. And he's like, put it in.

They're like, okay, man. But the internet was like all up about it because it was strange that you're like no it's in the book yeah yeah yeah it's right oh no you know what maybe i'm misquoting ketis and maybe it was anthony ketis in his book i think that's i'm sorry but whatever the case yeah it's someone writing it but but the the other worry for me which i think is of the book world which is why when you said you know like oh they're like, oh yeah, you could do it. No, because.

You write a journal. Yeah, I know dude, but that, but it's chaos and to give someone to organize, I would be, the problem I have is,

I write in non-sequitur, tree root chaos. It's like, it's over here and then why is it comes back and it goes back and organizing it would seem depressing to me. I It's like, it's over here and then why does it come back and it goes back and organizing it would seem depressing to me.

I'd be like, this has to be dirty and weird. Yeah, that's interesting. I don't know, you have a more concise vision. It's the same way

your comedy is. Your comedy is very concise and I don't know, I'm like a... Here's a fun way, thing I do with the kids where you can be inappropriate without being inappropriate.

Yeah. Is when I would drive them around, especially a couple of years ago when they were a little younger. Um, as you're driving around and you're passing people walking on the street or jogging or walking their dogs or whatever. Uh, I would just go,

look at this guy. And that's it. What's her problem? Are you guys seeing this guy right now totally normal looking guy doing nothing wrong or maybe a monstrosity but you don't say it look at this guy

what is he doing look at this guy have you ever given an Uber driver the confidence this happened to us where we're driving somewhere and I go you know the Uber driver is quite quiet and there was kind of tough traffic and people merging out that game had just gotten out and uh and and he's he's going i can hear him kind of getting frustrated yeah but it's funny with uber and then you give them the okay to say everything they've wanted to say yeah because

i go whoa you know this guy pulled out yeah he he goes like this, and I go, what a fucking idiot. You see that fucking moron? And he goes, yeah, this fucking moron? It's like, you give them the go-ahead. Totally. You can say it, man. We're all thinking it. But every Uber driver, like, Gage is like,

I guess I shouldn't say the things I want to say. I know. One of these strangers. The converse of that is when you get a driver who's just lighting everybody up. Oh, yeah, losing it. And you're like, you were in the wrong line of work. Yeah.

You got to cool it out, man. As soon as he gets it, he's like, God damn it. It's like, this is moderate to light traffic right now. It's not that big of a deal. Yeah. We had a guy, I had a guy dropping us off at the Dodger game, and he was very new to the States, you could tell. So I was trying to tell him, I said, well, don't get off.

Don't take this stadium way exit to get there. We should go this other way because the Uber drop-off is over there. If we go here, we'll never even get in. And then we got to blah, blah, blah. And then as soon as I'm done doing this like elaborate, expansive, you know, here's how you do this. In a slightly higher voice. He literally goes, I, I don't, uh,

I don't. Uh, and I was like, oh, fuck. Total waste of my time. Like, so,

so then we get in the wrong place and then I was like, okay, that's fine. Cause I kept being like, no, no, no,

no, no, no, no, no. And my buddy was like, I don't think he gives a shit at all. He's like,

oh no, he just spoke no English. Zero English. And for him, it was like, machine tells me go here. Oh. And this is the game I'm gonna play. Right, exactly. That, that's no English zero English and for him it was like machine tells me go here this is the game I'm gonna play

right exactly that's it what a nightmare for him like do we have to go into Dodger Stadium traffic he seemed to not give a shit to be honest with you he was just kinda like

whatever and at some point I go we're getting out we go out done all done and he was like okay

alright I think if you have that kind of carelessness you're like well you keep winning cause no one can get that mad yeah I'm foreign by the way the moment we get out he calls his wife he's like yeah these fucking idiots wanted me to go around I think if you have that kind of carelessness, you're like, well, you keep winning because no one can get that mad. I'm foreign.

By the way, the moment we get out, he calls his wife. He's like, yeah, these fucking idiots wanted me to go around. He speaks full English to his wife. Didn't give a shit about these guys. We've been traveling a ton, and I haven't performed. This is crazy. I want to tell you this only because it's shocking. Yeah. I haven't performed in L.A. in, I want to say, three months now. Wow.

This will be the first time tonight that I go out that I've gone up inside in L.A. in three months. Kind of crazy. It is kind of crazy. To take that big of a break. I've had a similar thing where it hasn't been that long but the the times between spots of the store has been where largo has been why do you think because we're going so hard on the road yeah never done the road like this yeah touring we are in a golden era of everyone touring like crazy it is i don't are we uh is something gonna is this gonna i feel like

the brakes are gonna hit or something or i don't know i uh is something gonna is this gonna i feel like the brakes are gonna hit or something or i don't know i mean when we were humming like this pre-pandemic that's when it really shocked me be that everyone was going same thing and then that thing happened but it took that it took that to stop everybody right exactly because everyone was it was full speed ahead yeah yeah i don't, I don't know. How many cities do you do typically a year? I never do the math. I never add it up.

It's constant, you think? It's constant. Yeah. I know I take, I get lighter in August and a little in July, and I try and dial it back getting close to Christmas. But for the most part for the most part i'm just going and you know this is the first time in my career i'm in you know 1500 seat theaters congrats by the way i thought we share an agent and i was just gonna say we were talking to we

talk about you uh i feel like you've talked to him about me i've talked to you about you a lot it's almost so funny i check in with him about you like we're brothers and i check in with our mom about you i'm like how's he doing out there yeah i just downloaded your and bobby's tour yeah the other night yeah we went to a ball game together and i was like so how's the tour going i wanted to know all about it it was oh it's so great it looks like so much fun and but i think that you know you're playing these places with that's's what you wait your whole career for. Yeah.

So it's not like we can dial it back now. No, that's the one thing I think I learned as I've gotten older in the game of comedy where, um, when I was young, I think we all used to think like once I blank and I'll be able to blank, blank, blank. Right. And then you get here and you're like, you have to work way harder. There's no, it's not like you're turning it down. it's it's inviting more of the chaos yeah but there wasn't ever a moment when i'd go this is good so i guess it's good to not have complacency in our business

but also there is no end to up no as they say no it's that's it it's like uh yeah you know like bargazzi i was it's like a guy like that, too. Same thing. It's like arenas. I know. And you're like, fucking arenas. It's... Crazy.

It's incredible to watch. Did you see Ronnie Chang's comment? Oh, no. What'd he say? Nate just posted this last week of him in front of an arena crowd. Yeah. And it just looks so great, you know? Just him in front of this giant crowd. And Yeah. And just look so great, you know, and just him like in front of this giant crowd and Ronnie and all caps just

wrote something like congratulations on being rich. That's basically what it, yeah. Look at all this money. I play where athletes play. I play where a whole team of athletes play. Me. Just a guy.

Yeah. It's like when Bird did Fenway. That's, yeah. It was just like, what is happening? Yeah, it is crazy to think. Yeah, same thing. Gabriel Iglesias did Dodger Stadium. Yeah, exactly.

Dodger Stadium. That's what's so crazy about this time also. It's like, wow, I'll roll into a place and be like, wow, I can't believe we sold out this place for 900 people or whatever. And you're like, wow. And they're all like, good job and thanks for being here. And you're feeling like, yeah, I did it. And they're like, Nate just played the arena across the street two nights in a row. I was like, oh, good for him.

I got to feel good for 30 seconds yeah they take it away they give you a cake they're like we bought him a car yeah we gave him a car to crash while he's here for four days that sort of felt like i saw chapelle in australia they came in and donnell i went and saw them play the arena you know i played a little tiny club in australia just to work out and have some fun yeah and they they played a an arena proper arena and when you step in there it it you know it's overwhelming to yeah i went and saw sandler same thing he played in detroit we went to him see dude watch him do the arena show you know and i rock star well i was just going to say, I talked to a promoter in one of the cities, maybe Chicago. Yeah.

And he said it's all comics. He said the comedians and the podcasts are booking. They know their business. They have their tours planned out, and they book everything, and that bands can't even get the dates good it's time for you to back off bands i mean that really is kind of makes sense like why like why are people showing up in these numbers well they're not going to see music music as much yeah you know what that's what you get music you had it too good for too long. Let me ask you a personal question. Yeah.

Did you notice that I was wearing cologne when I walked in? You know, I'm a little clogged right now, but I think I did smell you wearing cologne. Yeah? Yeah. Interesting. But you're always kind of well put together, so it wouldn't surprise me. Right. It's not like, you know, I'm trying to find someone to take a shot at right now and it's

not you know i was gonna fill in a name it's not like if so-and-so showed up i'd be like whoa you did it today you know no you're put together so if that wouldn't surprise me what's your is this a new thing for you yeah i haven't really worn a lot of what are you wearing um this is uh i don't even know the name of it it's like this this Arabic. It's got to be Arabic. This Arabic perfumery that my daughter brought us to when we were traveling. Whoa. Yeah. I forget the name of it.

I shouldn't know that. Can we make one up? I'm new to it. We can make one up. Sanskrit. Oh, is it Sanskrit? Yeah. Love.

That stuff is very good. Yeah. But I really never wore cologne. And I have that and I have like a Chanel and then I've got a couple bottles now. Now you're – who got you on to this? And I dislike the smell of it. I like this – but I'm not sure. I put such a – I'm so hesitant.

I'm like a little tiny – barely spray it. Where does it go? On the wrist. I always do right here on the neck. Oh, yeah? I like it right right here on the neck oh yeah? I like it right up here for some reason really?

cause I feel like this is the this is where maybe the pheromone heat comes from it warms up the cologne interesting I'm totally making it up

but for some reason I feel like that every time I'd always like I'd never seen my dad put on cologne yeah unless him and my mom were doing a thing.

A big date. Yeah. Anniversary. And then I think he would sometimes wear polo. Uh-huh. Green bottle. Yep. But he would aftershave, actually, more than cologne.

But it smelled the exact same. Right. Because he had the bowl. Yeah. If you bought the thing, you got all five bottles, you know? Yeah. That's right. And they were like Matryoshka dolls, you know?

It's like you got the polo this, that, that. Yeah. But he would mostly put on a little aftershave sometimes down here. But rarely have I ever saw my dad do cologne. That was never really a thing. Yeah. My father either. Isn't that funny?

That never older generations were like, yeah, you put on a little bit of something after you shave maybe at most or. Yeah. So it's kind of new, but i just like the smell of it and also because it was on a trip like it kind of reminds me of the trip in a way that's wonderful yeah it kind of ties in but i um the other part so i'm i'm dipping my toe in this cologne world of yours welcome um one thing that does bumped me, I remember being at Largo and Sarah Silverman was going off about why do guys wear cologne? The smell of just a man is so great. Yeah.

Why? Like she didn't like that they were putting a thing on top of it. And everyone adores Sarah. So I was just like every once in a while I'm like Sarah wouldn't like this. I got to tell you something you I'm pretty sexist Sarah Silverman men can't do as they may what's next

you know what I mean yeah Sarah you want me to shave my armpits let me grow no it isn't I I've heard this

kind of thing before where it's like guys need to just smell like I but some people's original scent isn't good isn't guy but some people's uh original scent isn't good isn't that great some people's musk isn't good some people get stinky yeah you know like some if i don't put on deodorant if i don't yeah it's bad some people i know don't smell

when they sweat i stink so it's like yeah no i'm gonna wash a few times yeah that's why i'm always over conscious like when i that's the only thing i love about the the road uh hotel life is shower first thing when i wake up throw a towel on the floor great you know what i mean shower in the afternoon after i work out or take a long walk or before i go to the show and then i shower before i go to bed sometimes really yeah if i have a night out or if i'm hanging out too late and i just want to clean up and feel fresh before i go into bed that's good also i gotta ask got to ask you. Yeah. Do you sleep naked on the road? Everywhere.

I love you. I knew I loved you. No, seriously. I knew we were, we've always had things in common that are low-key, are little things. I sleep naked.

Yeah. And I had a discussion with a group of friends. Yeah. And they were like, in hotels? I'm like, yeah, what do you mean? Those sheets are clean.

Right, exactly. Those are clean sheets. Yeah. It's not like I'm like, yeah, what do you mean? Those sheets are clean. Right, exactly. Those are clean sheets. Yeah. It's not like I'm rubbing myself on the comforter. It's a sheet that divides us. Yeah. And those sheets are changed every time I leave. And your body is much stronger than your head.

And your head, with all its openings, is on pillows. Pillows. Which. Pillows creep me out. Yeah. I'm not going to lie. Those are kind of. Every time I tuck a pillow in between my legs when I'm on my side, I laugh that I really

have the ability to think I'm the first guy in this room to do that. I do the same thing. I literally pick a leg pillow and a face pillow and I'm like, we should tag this for the next guy that comes in. Yeah. He's the leg pillow, face pillows. That's the only thing nice about fancy hotels. Yeah. Is you can request new cases, which I've done before.

Oh, that's smart. Yeah. Have you? Rarely, but I have a few moments where I'm like, these kind of look, I should ask. And they will give you new pillow cases. Yeah. They're not doing that at the Days Inn. No.

No, they're not. Or you lay down and it smells like someone else had Kelowna. Yeah, that I don't like. Oh, okay. Yeah, the days. They just fluff these pillows. Yeah. Just a little two-shove.

That's a B-Y-R-P. Here's a karma thing I'm doing in hotels. Oh, I like this. No one works harder in the hotel than the housekeepers. Fact. Yeah, fact. You just see them with their carts and just exhausted. And they never complain. Never complain. They just do it. You never even see them. Okay. and just exhausted and they never complain

you never even see them tipping is great but I straighten up before I go you and I are the same guy to the point where all those towels that I'm using I bunch them together I put them in the tub

I bunch them together put them on the thing so she doesn't have to bend over. Bend down in the tub. I'm rude. Fuck me. That was you showing me up. I always bunch them together. Yeah. The rooms I never leave.

I'm never like a guy who's like, some people get in the room and the suitcase is like, it's everywhere. I live out of the suitcase. I usually stay in it, so I don't make much of a mess. Isn't it amazing, though, how much the poof comes out of, like, your backpack? Just the cords and the... Well, backpack is for poofing. That is a poof bag. It is kind of remarkable. That's going to end up everywhere, wherever

it needs to be. And the more tired you are, the more just... Yeah, it's gone. Notebook here, pens are there. Yeah, no, it does. It explodes. The suitcase, I live out of. So do you tip every time when you leave the hotel? Oh, yeah. Do you leave every day? A tip or at when you leave the hotel oh yeah every day a tip or at the very end at the end because a lot of times i'm not letting them in if it's a nice hotel

yeah and they've got their system down and they've got a big staff i'd like to come back to a nice crisp room that would be good but like at the days in kind of whatever regular marriott uh i usually don't have them come in me too yeah usually Yeah, usually not. And you're only there for a day or two. So I don't tip every day. I'll tip when I leave. That's what I do. Tip at the end. And a nice small tip. Nothing crazy. Just like $1,000 or $2,000 typically is what

I put down. Yeah. A couple grand. Yeah, a couple grand. Here and there. Yeah. You know, if it's a nice hotel four or five. Or a watch. Yeah, sometimes I'll leave a watch. Yeah, sometimes I'll leave a watch. Yeah, sometimes I'll just leave it and let them know, hey, love you, great job. But I really believe, like, for them to walk in, the number of times they must walk in, and it's just like, god damn it.

And it's a nightmare. A nightmare. You know when you're walking past a room? Beer cans, spilled shit. When you're wheeling past a room on your way out of a hotel and you see the doors open on a Sunday, and you're like, Jesus Christ, what do they out of a hotel and you see the doors open on a Sunday. And you're like, Jesus Christ, what do they do to that woman? Exactly.

What do they think was going to happen? So just the idea that this woman who's away from her kids can open the door and be like, oh, I just have to do this, this, and this to this room. Easy money. Yeah. I got to believe that. I was shamed recently. And this is interesting. I want to get your opinion on this. Okay, I like tipping.

I've always been generous. Most times I'm over generous nowadays because you kind of have to, particularly if they know who you are. Like I said to my dad, I took my parents to a restaurant in Australia. The staff knew me. The manager knew me and all of that. And so, you know, he saw me writing down a number and he was like, it's very, it's very nice. And on the way, and I went like this, like, I'll see you outside, you know, and then I

go outside, I go, I don't have a choice. Yeah. They know who I am. I don't have a choice. I don't have a choice. Like, I don't want to do this. That's a lot. I don't have a choice.

I don't even have a, it's like, but I was in, I don't even know what city I was in, but I, um, was really tired. And I hastily, I got a coffee, just a black coffee at a coffee shop. And I didn't tip, I guess.

I don't remember. Sometimes I think the thing, it's a thing. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. But someone had commented and I never really see comments anymore, and I saw one.

It's like, you should have tipped. And I thought. In your socials? Yeah. And I thought. So, like, yeah. Was it black coffee? Yeah.

I don't know. I just, I don't know. I don't know. Sometimes I'm like. Yeah. Is this bully tipping thing a necessary thing? I saw a whole article about it it kind of kills me a little bit when you're like the woman that there's a coffee shop around the corner

from me is a mom and pop and I don't I don't do it every time yeah but I do tip her a bunch because I'm there a bunch yeah but also it's a weird world that we're like uh coffee here uh it's there four bucks yeah you will give again. And you're like, I guess. Or tipping just like in a grocery store, like in a, not a supermarket, but like a bodega kind of thing in New York. Yeah. Like. It pops up on the thing.

Yeah. You want to tip for what? What did I? You didn't make any of this. No, this was all given to you. Right. It's tough. The coffee shop tipping is hard yeah

i do it sometimes not every time but it's like yeah if i'm just getting a quick thing to go it's almost like i wouldn't fucking yeah i get a dollar i guess but it's i had across from uh the soho grand beautiful there was this great um coffee shop across the street uh everyman espresso oh yeah yeah yes right yeah and uh she had or they had uh pandemic did up in the front sure couldn't come into the shop right very protective like beyond when other people were doing it. Stay there. And they were great. I liked seeing them and

had a really fun, diverse... That's why I went to they. Yeah, right. I get you. They were great and I really liked her. In my trips, there was a sign next to the little pad saying tips. It went something like tips appreciated. Then the next time I came through town, tipping is expected.

And then when I came, like the next time it was like, don't be a cheap son of a bitch. We live off tips here. Crazy. Kind of a thing. That's heavy. Yeah, and it ramped up each time I came through. The last one is just like, we will shoot you if you don't tip. Last time was, store is closed.

It was gone. It was my favorite thing to do, was just walk across the street, grab coffee, and see them. That's a lesson in bully tipping. People eventually are like, well, I'm not fucking,

don't yell at me about tipping. It got really aggressive. Yeah, that's a little interesting. It got really aggressive. It's, you know, it's that age-old argument of like, I worked at McDonald's when I was 15 years old.

Like, we don't do fucking tips. And we work like dogs. I know. And they treat you like shit. Yeah. You get treated like shit. Yeah. Customers are always like, this is a fucking, and you're like dogs and they treat you like shit you get treated like shit yeah customers are always like this is a fucking and you're like sorry man i'm 15 years old i'm barely breathing without my parents near me sorry your fries are fucked up you know what i

mean like these are children that are basically doing like slave labor yeah and you got paid nothing and tipping was actually against we couldn't take tips oh really it was and if you got caught you would be in you get in trouble because sometimes an older guy would be like here's a buck kid or something right and i'd be like oh we can't we're not allowed to take tips i mean i don't know what it's like now but back then at mcdonald's you couldn't take tips the hard part about it now is every atm gives you 20s. And you don't usually break your cash when you're out and about. It's usually cards.

Yeah. So then somebody holds the door open for you and you go to tip them, you know, just getting out of the... You're getting 20. He's getting a 20. You're just dropping 20s everywhere you go. Unless you're going to go,

do you have a change that I can... Yeah. In that tipping article when they were talking about, like, has this gone too far? And they said that you have, this is such a ludicrous suggestion. Before you travel, go to the bank and get small bills. Just in case, right. In case, so you can do all that small tipping.

But, you know, what it's like getting ready to go on the road. Making a trip to the bank. Yeah. I've got so much to do road. Making a trip to the bank. Yeah. I've got so much to do today. And then go to the bank. Yeah, my wife and I are going to get dressed up and hat in hand, go sit down and talk with the teller. Yeah.

There's no way. By the way, we should revert back to going to banks now. Just because I don't know what they're doing over there. I want to check in on them. I know. Because I know they're goofing all day long. Nobody's going in. When's the last time you literally went into the bank? I don't know what they're doing over there. I want to check in on them. Because I know they're goofing all day long. Nobody's going in. When's the last time you literally went into the bank?

I don't know. I can't. We used to go. And this is. We used to go when my kids were little. Yeah. We would go to the bank all the time. The teller knew our kids.

Would watch them grow. I haven't been in the bank in 10 years. I don't know. I can't. I'm trying to literally think. Yeah. I mean forever. What am I going there for now? Yeah. in the bank in 10 years i don't know that i can't i'm trying to literally think yeah yeah i don't mean forever what am i going there for now yeah we do need to start checking in on our banks 100 for bigly i had a funny joke about that about going to checking in on your bank about like yeah

like what's going on with my money back there yeah like like if you went to i forget what it was he he juxtaposed it with like going to like a coffee shop and being like you have coffee yeah maybe yeah that's so good yeah we're supposed to yeah and legally we should have it but it's gonna we don't have it now we'll have somebody else's coffee for you to have soon right i read a thing about architecture and they were talking about banks like banks used to be designed beautiful beautiful marbles yes like this is a a fortress and inside it indeed behind this giant safe is the money yeah now it's all a little kiosk on the corner that used to be a nail salon right because yeah maybe because your

money's not really it doesn't money's blips on your phone that that that fucks me up that fucks me up it creeps me out too to think that these when i do when i do sometimes check my statements or something on online yeah and i'm like this isn't it this is just a design of a machine and it says a thing and then I hope that this is real. And then someone could just go, it's all gone. Yeah. And then you're like, well, I guess that's the end of that. I guess.

So I keep a little bit of gold. Do you? Yeah, I do. That was an old suggestion. Keep some gold. So I got to get a little bit of gold. It's not a lot. It's a little bit.

It's like a little tiny. Yeah. Because I think maybe. What happens when. I don't know. When all your money's gone where do you I have that to barter.

You go in the garage you get the gold out. Just to barter with. I don't even know. What do you do with it? Smelt it down. Go around the town so people don't understand

what to do. Food, gold, gold for food. Food for gold. That'll be the new store. Food for gold. Trade in your gold for bread from Tom Papa. Papa's bread. You have a skill. See you have a skill. You'll be the new store. Food for gold. Trade in your gold for bread from Tom Papa. Papa's bread. You have a skill.

See, you have a skill. You'll be fine. You can make stuff. I'm out. I'm done. They'll look at me. I'll have a couple of jokes. I'll get through a couple of dinners with strangers. If we're apocalyptic, if it all happens and we all... They'll like me for the entertainment purpose and then after that I'm absolutely done.

They're like, can you contribute physically to society I go well I help build but do you know how to No well we don't have time to teach I maybe get three days in the apocalypse You're Bredman You're immediately Bredman And your name will be Tom Bredman

You'll have to go to Bredman Sorry Sorry Mr.. Breadman. It's a lot of work. This is your future. And then when the people complain about it. The bread's not that good. Yeah.

You're gone too. Isn't that for the best? Yeah, yeah, yeah. At the end of the day. At the end of the day, what is this place? Yeah. We didn't want to be around anymore anyway. No, I... You're dead dead there's gold next to you no

one's even picking it up no they can't they're like it was gross can you believe we collected that at one point and that was even worth we're totally worthless it's a stupid metal that means nothing to anybody yeah uh i want to say this uh that i always uh love having you on the show and i really do mean it. And I'm jealous that you wrote a book. I'm proud that I have friends that actually can write books. I mean that because I can't, I'm always in awe when people do finish a book.

I was walking past an old bookstore. There was like a antique bookshop when I was in Australia. And I went in Australia and I went in there and I thought everyone that did all of these books was smart. You can't be an idiot

and write a book. It was kind of like the old joke of like it's like somebody can go like that billionaire is an asshole but he's not an idiot. Right. There's never been

an idiot billionaire. It's impossible. It would be so hard to get there. So it's kind of like to finish a book and get it published and made you must be smart so it's like this is a literal validation of the universe being like well you're not an idiot right how great yeah i'm moving through life being like could be a moron yeah i just don't know yet it hasn't been proven either

way but there's all of those calibrations of it like when i was with those authors that had written those 25 and 30 books yeah millions of copies i literally felt like and this is me with my pamphlet yeah right well you know what i mean we're always gonna do that we just talked about nate's in an arena right at the thing it's like but you still are in the thing yeah yeah but it is still nice it is great i am proud of it thank you very much and i i um i truly like as uh spending time in your orbit like that we've become like later comedy friends yeah it's kind of funny yeah i like it it's funny how i've said that to bobby kelly recently about how like he him i don't care for yeah me too i said he's a piece of shit that's what i was about to say he's got an energy energy where I always am like happy to see him. Always.

It's like, oh, right. Yeah. I guess we move kind of in this world sometimes and, you know, we're all passing ships in the night. Yeah. But it's sometimes you run into – I do imagine that was what it was like for sailors sometimes when they passed a ship with someone that they liked. Right. And they were like, look, pull over. You know what what i mean like let's have a drink or a coffee that's really what it was was like we're on the move i got five minutes to get let pull over go to port yeah

let's get a little let's get a little fucked up and i'll see you back out on the seas that is what it feels like when i pass we i ran into a guy um mike falzone do you know who that is? no comic good guy great dude funny guy I ran into him we were leaving Seattle or something and he was coming in and the moment I saw him in the airport you've had this

with other comics where you go hey what's up man although I've also had ones where I see other comics I'm like I don't know I had a crazy one

a couple weeks ago who? I'm getting it in Chicago I'm boarding an early flight in Chicago and the guy in front of me is walking this giant dog and he's got like a mask on and I'm like DL?

he's like oh hey man it's DL with his dog he's like I use the dog as a distraction I mean a big fluffy thing he gets on the plane i get on the plane uh as i'm putting my backpack down maz jabrani walks on oh another one sits on the next to me like across the aisle then chris porter comes in oh my god he he comes

in and sits on the other side of maz and we're like geez look at all these comedians and then like just like on cue like in a bad sitcom we're like who else is look at all these comedians. And then just like on cue, like in a bad sitcom, we're like, who else is on this plane? And then Cedric the Entertainer comes on in a full red jumpsuit. Velour jumpsuit. With a hat. Hey, guys. Holy shit. Five guys that you knew?

Five guys. That's nuts. Within four rows. I had one. You reminded me because of someone you said. four rows. I had one. This is you reminded me because of someone you said. But I had been introduced to somebody

very like famous or whatever. We don't really know each other but we had introduced at a dinner. And I saw him boarding a plane that we were boarding like a month ago. But I did that thing where I was like he doesn't remember me and I'm not going to bother him.

And then of course he sat right across the aisle from me. But we faced forward the whole time and he was with his significant other. So he wasn't really paying attention. And I just stayed on my iPad. But I thought I was working so hard the whole flight to not turn.

You know what I mean? Exhausting. It was such a long three hour flight because I was like, he doesn't remember you and even if he does what do you say and who gives a shit so I just didn't focus on it but it made me so uncomfortable. So hard. But I was also thought

I hope he doesn't tell our friend that we know. You know I ran into that dickhead and didn't even say hi to me like avoided me. Well I think that's the go to move if you can do it. Huh. Just get a hello in. Just get a it. Just get a hello in. Just get a hi. Just get a hi.

But I don't want them to go, fucking, I don't know. Yeah. I get nervous that they're not going to remember me or something or be like, I don't even know who you are. Yeah. No, I know. So I avoid it like the plague. This is why. This is back to the thing we were talking about. Yes, this is why I stay in my little hole.

Yeah. But it bothered you. Like you wanted to. I wanted to say something. I should have said hi. I think it's the right thing to do. But. Yeah. Yeah, but it bothered you. Like you wanted to... I wanted to say something. I should have said hi. I think it's the right thing to do, but nah, shaky. I'll stay in my little hole.

Yeah. I'll stay in my little hole. That's the name of my book coming out in June. I'll stay in my little hole. You know what? Just make it my little hole. My little hole.

Please pick up my little hole. Please pick up We're All In This Together everywhere you can buy a book. Please go get the Pops new book. I really appreciate you. Thank you. Do I get to keep this? I'm going to send you a real copy. Yeah, I was going to say this is

on the go. This is the galley. It's kind of... Yeah, it's been a little nicked. Yeah, send me a real one. I'm going to send you a proper hardcover. Go download the audio book. If you're an audio book person, go grab the audio. Read by Bobby Lee. Read by Bobby Lee. Read by Bobby Lee. Or go get this at your local book shop, which, by the way, have taken no hit.

I feel like bookstores are still thriving. Yeah. Books did well. The big ones, I think, have gone by the wayside because Brooks. Well, Barnes and Noble kind of had a comeback. They're starting to. Yeah. But they also tried to sell too much other shit.

Yeah. They got a little big for their britches. They like we're gonna sell board games didn't realize guys slow down books are kind of the thing just be a bookstore yeah just sell books you don't need to be doing all the other things yeah uh but it is funny that mom and pop bookstores that i see the more i travel around the country when i when i pass a little town they're there they're thriving they're doing they have no it's there's no uh going – there's no going out of business sale. I've never seen that, but I see that all the time for other stuff. There was a dip a while ago, but it seems healthy now.

I think humans are back to wanting something outside of their telephone. It is a strange thing, reading. I remember reading – I think Stephen King commented on it on writing. Yeah. This is a great book on writing. And that it's really kind, on writing. Yeah. This is a great book on writing. And, uh, that it's really kind of like telepathy.

Like he wrote something down on these pages and now you have it. And those thoughts are going into your head. No, that's creepy. Without speaking. You're just like, it is a pretty trippy. That was kind of the first parasocial relationship,

right? Like, you know how somebody online follows you so they think they might be buddies with you yeah like somebody said this in public to me like hey dude what's up and i was like hey and he was like i'm sorry i don't know you i you you don't know me i know you right but i think that kind of was the first version of uh-huh feeling an author and seeing an author yeah that when you saw them in the real world that's why people were so like kind of obsessive with great authors yeah because they're like i've of feeling an author and seeing an author that when you saw them in the real world, that's why people were so like kind of obsessive with great authors.

Yeah. Because they're like, I've heard your voice in my skull. Yeah, it's pretty trippy. Well, I want to hear your voice in my skull. So I want the real book, but I'm going to download it. Awesome. I love you. I appreciate you.

We end the episode the exact same way. You look into that camera and you say one word or one phrase to end the episode. Whenever you're ready, you go ahead. Peanuts. In here, we pour whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey, whiskey. You're that creature in the ginger beard. Sturdy and ginger.

Like vampires, the ginger gene is a curse. Gingers are beautiful. You owe me $5 for the whiskey and $75 for the horse. Gingers are hell no. This whiskey is excellent. ginger i like gingers