Who Knew It with Matt Stewart - 1 - Jess Perkins, Dave Warneke and Suren Jayemanne
Episode Date: September 26, 2022Who Knew It with Matt Stewart is a new comedy game show podcast hosted by Australian comedian Matt Stewart. On the first episode the guests are comedians Dave Warneke, Jess Perkins and Suren Jayemanne...!Check out Matt's stand up special FREE on YouTube: https://youtu.be/cWStRpI-BhESupport the show via http://patreon.com/dogoonpod and you can submit questions for the show!See the show live, get tickets via: https://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/Check out Dave, Jess and Matt's podcast network: https://dogoonpod.com/Check out Suren's website: https://www.surenjayemanne.com/Theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and Logo by @muzdoodles! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
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Oh my God, can you believe it? It's the year 2024. It's Melbourne Comedy Festival and we've just moved venues. We're at the Grace Darling now. We had a great run at the Chinese Museum, selling out shows by the end, but now we need you to come over to the Grace Darling and shows are at 7.15. It's going to be so much fun. Love to see you there. Let's have a beer. Use discount code DOGOON. The show's called Dry Dry at the
Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Then we're going to Sydney and Brisbane. Tickets to
all that stuff's on sale now. And you can find those tickets and details at mattstuartcomedy.com.
As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors.
Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause,
causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks. Visit heartandstroke.ca.
Welcome to Who Knew It with Matt Stewart, the show where the guests write the wrong answers.
I'm the titular Matt Stewart, and this week I'm joined by Saren Jayamana, Jess Perkins and Dave Warnicke.
Hello.
Hello.
I'm Saren.
Do we have to say hello in the correct order?
Yes.
Okay, now you go first, Saren.
Hello.
Now Jess, please.
Hello.
And Dave Hello
Fantastic
Matt congrats on a new podcast
Oh thanks so much
Hugely exciting
I'm really proud that for your first episode
You went bold with your guests
Yes
And you just went
Well I'll do Jess
Because we're staying in the same place
Dave's here
And Seren lives nearby
Yes
And I have been staying with Seren
For a week
The one person you know in Sydney No but I could have started this podcast at any time Dave's here and Saran lives nearby. Yes. And I have been staying with Saran for a week.
The one person you know in Sydney.
No, but I could have started this podcast at any time.
This is my dream team selection.
And I picked to do the first episode now when you were all available in the same place.
I could not have wished for a better three guests.
So it's all downhill from here on your new podcast.
Which is a shame.
But yeah, that's where we're at.
So I'm just saying it's a bold way to start.
That's all.
Yeah.
How are you all doing?
I've written that down. I'm going to ask, welcome, how are you?
Is this the game show host small talk with the contestants?
Yep, yep.
Going well, thank you.
My name's Dave.
I'm from Melbourne, Australia, and I am a university lecturer.
In my spare time, I sell small cars.
Hang on.
Sorry, I have questions.
Are they like toy cars or just like two-door cars exclusively?
It's like, you know, a Getz.
Okay, yeah.
Something like that.
But is it a two-door?
A toy Getz or like a full-size Getz?
It's a full-size Getz.
And how many doors are on the Getz?
There's only one.
A one-door Getz.
Yeah, I sealed the other one shut.
Entry via the boot.
The boot's a door, right?
Yeah, that's usually
like a five door car,
but it's a boot.
You're like,
well, that's not fucking helpful,
is it?
Fine, it's got four doors.
I sealed one door shut.
Are we swearing on this?
Sure.
I feel like I've lost control
of the show early.
Immediately.
So you might be wondering
how this show works.
Hi, I'm Jess.
I'm from Melbourne.
I'm 21.
I'm a Virgo
and I'm here to find love. Okay. Well, I'm Jess. I'm from Melbourne. I'm 21. I'm a Virgo. And I'm here to find love.
Okay. Well, I really need to explain the show before I book guests in future.
Seren, now you introduce yourself.
Hi, I'm Seren. I'm from Sydney and I study small cars.
Okay. No wonder you were so curious about what field Dave was talking about.
But the toy variety.
Okay.
It's not a match. That's no from toy variety. Okay. It's not a match.
That's no from me, Birjo.
It's not a match box.
Please allow me to explain the show to you,
to you guests and also to the listeners at home.
So how it works is I ask a question
and the contestants have to write a convincing fake answer.
Then I'll read the fake answers
as well as the real answer to our contestants
and they have
to pick which one they believe to be correct does that make some sort of sense yes it becomes clear
as we go okay yeah for sure so each of uh each of these guests here you've all got a way to
communicate your answers with me i've seen you've all got these sort of pocket sort of computer
devices i was actually going to go with telepathic. I was going to get my pigeon to bring it over to you.
Well, you know, you can...
I was wondering why you had pigeon, but that's great.
I was going to go with some smoke signals.
Okay.
I'm going to scream it at you.
Well, that's the only one that will make the game harder.
Okay.
Well, I think there's fire that I've lit.
He's fine with the fire.
We have a limited amount of time. so here is the first question this one comes
from listener michaela from our bakal country here in new south wales so each of the questions
has been written by a listener which is weird as this is the first episode but um this is part of
the dugong podcast network and our Patreon supporters have given us these questions.
So, first question is, what is a nitty-notty?
What is a nitty-notty?
So, you've each got to write an answer, send it through to me, and make it as convincing as you like.
Probably the more convincing, the better.
That's how you're going to win points.
And while you're writing your answers, I'll explain how the scoring works.
So contestants will get one point if they correctly guess the answer
and another point if the other contestant guesses their fake answer.
So that really means that there are three points up for grabs each round.
By the way, I'm also playing as the house.
I've put in two of my own fake answers for each question usually with the
listener slash suggestors help and i get a point for each one of those that our guests choose
so i've also got uh three points up for grabs so let's see have they got their answers in
jess perkins has locked in an answer. Saran has got an answer in.
And Dave Warnocki.
For a second there, I panicked and thought I'd messaged this definition to someone else on Facebook.
Because you were like, oh, and Dave, and I'm like, I've sent it.
Oh, no, I swear.
Just like to someone I haven't spoken to in years.
To Stu Matthews.
Stu Matthews from the Science Hour.
That's something that no one would understand.
All right.
The answers are in.
Are you ready?
Yes.
That's for question number one.
What is a niddy noddy?
Is it a dollhouse for noddy dolls?
A hair detangling device?
A tool that helps wind yarn
a Danish gnome
We've lost him already.
So quick.
Straight away.
I'm so sorry.
Well, no.
This could be the real answer.
Have you ever read the real answer before Have you ever read
the real answer before?
Because it could surprise you
like this, surely.
That's right.
I haven't read any of the answers
out before,
so this could be the real answer.
Is it a Danish gnome
often depicted wearing a sack?
Is it a fancy hat
that was known to make
some wearers nod their heads
due to its hefty weight?
Or was it a fool or idiot?
Okay, so the options are for nitty-notty.
Is it a dollhouse for naughty dolls?
A hair detangling device?
A tool that helps wind yarn?
A Danish gnome often depicted wearing a sack?
Is it a fancy hat that was known to make some wearers nod their heads due to its hefty weight,
or was it a fool or idiot?
Because one of these is correct.
How do you have so many answers, by the way?
There's too many.
So you've given us three.
There's the correct answer.
And then the house is also thrown in too.
So there's six possibilities.
Matt's thrown an extra one to try and throw you off.
What are those?
I didn't know if it was just the one long answer.
A fool or idiot is one answer.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, so Jess, do you want to go first?
I'm going between the, there's a yarn one and a hair detangling one.
Yep.
I think I'm going between those.
Okay.
I'm going to say hair detangling.
Hair detangler for Jess.
I think it's going to be a fool or idiot.
Fool or idiot?
I wish it was a Danish gnome.
And what's wearing again?
The Danish gnome?
Wearing a sack.
No, often, not always.
Often depicted wearing a sack.
Beautiful detail.
I was also thinking hair detangling.
That's fantastic.
So I'm going to lock that in too.
It just feels like, you know how you see products
that are quite useful but they have funny, silly names?
Like a sham wow.
Yeah, or it's something that what's new
would have stocked in the early 2000s.
Totally, it's a nitty-notty and it detangles your hair
or spins yarn, one of the two. Okay, so let's go through the answers. It's something that what's new would have stocked in the early 2000s. It's a nitty-notty and it detangles your hair.
Or spins yarn.
One of the two.
Okay, so let's go through the answers.
A dollhouse for naughty dolls was Saran's answer.
Then we had a Danish gnome often depicted wearing a sack.
That was Dave's answer.
There's no surprise.
Having played this before and Dave has made you laugh like that three times now.
We've practiced this game a few times on the Patreon feed.
If you do like it,
sign up at patreon.com.
That was the answer that I thought
was one answer.
I thought it was a Danish gnome
often depicted wearing a sack as a hat.
A little bit too...
Gotcha.
Yeah.
And that was Michaela's one,
the fancy hat one. That's a good one then we had
a fool or idiot which saran guessed that was jess's so one point for jess there
then it's down to jess's you were right it was it was one of the hair detangling device or
the yarn tool unfortunately the correct answer was the tool that helps wind yarn.
No.
A hair detangling device was also Michaela's answer.
Okay, the house.
Great work, Michaela.
So the house gets two points there.
Jess gets one.
Damn that evil house.
And Dave and Saran both yet to score.
Here comes question number two.
This one comes from Darcy Nugent in Geelong, writing,
which of the following is a real TISM song?
So TISM's a Melbourne band.
You've basically got to come up,
just got to write a fake name for a TISM song.
For some context, here are some names of their singles
that they released over the years,
including He'll Never Be an Old Man River,
Everyone Else Has Had More Sex Than Me,
Greg the Stop Sign, and Defecate on My Face.
So there's some examples of the kinds of song titles you could be going for.
So we're going to end up with five fake-tism song names,
and you're going to have to guess what the real one is.
While you're writing those out, here's some more information on knitty-knotties.
According to Woolery.com, the knitty-knotty is an essential piece of spinning equipment
used for winding yarn into skeins.
To measure how long your skein or skein is,
your knitty-knotty will measure the length from end of the arm diagonally
to the next,
then multiply it by two.
An 18-inch nitty-notty will wind a skine that is one yard in length.
If it is a yard long, then the skine will be two yards long.
I think that clears things up nicely there. Absolutely.
Thank you for that definition.
I love skine.
Michaela wrote this.
Traditionally, the nitty-notty was used to the rhythm of a song,
the opening line of which ran,
nitty-notty, nitty-notty, two heads and one body.
So that's how people in the olden days would use a nitty-notty
while singing, I guess.
I thought you...
Yeah, okay.
You thought I was losing my mind?
I thought you thought that people in the olden days
had two heads and one body.
Okay.
Well, yeah, I guess that's probably also true.
True.
Yeah.
Bonus point for Cerrone.
Great.
All right.
So here is question number two.
Watching these guys to see their reaction.
Oh, that's clever.
So the question is, which of the following is a realtism song?
Is it sometimes I feel like that little bar you use
to separate your groceries from the groceries of the person who beat you to the checkout
is it amid daryl summer's night's dream oh that's great that's so good is it the blister on my
asshole is married to my step cousin is Is it Fat Boy Slim Dusty?
Is it the tyrannical reign of King Willy Wheaty?
Or is it Hemingway's dad had it cut out for him?
Okay, so you've got six options there.
Do you need to hear any of them again?
Yeah, all of them, I think. Yes, from the top, please.
Okay, so you've got sometimes I feel like that little bar
you use to separate your groceries
from the groceries of the person who beat you to the checkout?
Is it a mid-Daryl Summers Night's dream?
Is it the blister on my arsehole is married to my step-cousin?
Is it Fat Boy Slim Dusty?
Is it the tyrannical reign of King Willy Wheaty?
Or is it Hemingway's dad had it cut out for him?
My goodness.
Who's going first on this one?
Would you like to go first, Seren?
Okay.
I think it's the Midnight Daryl Summers dream.
That's so funny.
I think it's that or Slim Dust, the Slim Dusty one.
Because they did do a lot of that sort of...
Yeah, portmanteau sort of stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah so you're locking
that one in yeah i'm gonna lock i'm gonna go with the king willie wheaty yeah all right i'm gonna
do you remember king willie wheaty yeah because it was the mascot for uncle toby uncle toby's
wheaties breakfast cereal matt was talking about that recently i was yeah i reckon i was too he's
also talking about daryl Summers.
That's true.
He always talks about Daryl Summers.
And the blister on my arsehole.
So it is hard to know.
All right.
I'm going to say Slim.
Or did you already just take and...
I thought you locked it in.
You're locking it in?
Yeah, I'm locking it in.
Great.
Fatboy Slim Dusty.
Yeah.
So, I mean, these...
I would believe that all of these could have been Tism songs.
Absolutely.
Sometimes I feel like that little bar you Used to Separate Your Groceries
from the Groceries of the Person Who Beat You to the Checkout.
That was Saran's.
That's a good one.
That's good.
It's a good song.
It's also all the lyrics to the song.
Oh, wow.
I also had a few songs that were very long.
Song titles very long like that as well.
Yeah.
The Blister on My Arsehole is Married to My Step Cousin.
That was Jess's.
Where did that come from?
My arsehole.
Well done.
Hemingway's dad had it cut out for him was Dave's.
Oh, yeah.
Nice.
Thank you.
Is that referring to his appendix or what?
No, I just thought it sounded like something that they'd call a song.
You know, pick a literary figure and then write something about their dad.
They'd call a song.
They'd pick a literary figure and then write something about their dad.
I was trying to do a pun about Oscar Wilde and call it something wild about Oscars.
But then I thought it wouldn't make that much sense if you didn't see it written down.
So I changed it to Hemingway.
A beautiful insight into your process.
Thank you. Thank you so much.
I show my workings out.
The Tyrannical Reign of King Willy Weedy was written by The House, Dave.
Oh, curse you, House, but that was very good.
Amid Daryl Summersnight's Dream was also written by The House.
What?
Great writing.
Two points for The House.
So they were both written by Darcy Nugent.
Really?
Well done, Darcy.
Yeah.
Well, now tears and and me are back together,
I'll be submitting those song titles.
Which leaves only the correct answer, Fatboy Slim Dusty.
So Jess gets another point there.
It went exactly the same as first round.
One point to Jess, two points to the house.
We're slipping behind here, mate.
It's a big, yeah, there's a big gaping chasm.
Just like Jess's cousin's partner.
Question three comes from Paige Carroll in Arizona.
Question three is, which of these fish is real?
So you've just basically got to come up with a fake fish name.
Name for a fake species of fish.
Okay.
Okay.
And while you're writing your answers
Here are the lyrics of the first verse of Fatboy Slim Dusty
Ecstasy's had a bad rap
The drug's okay but the music's crap
Techno's made with computer cable
Sampling machine and an old turntable
Get a loop then cut and paste her
Buy a trip and lick the paper
There's new school, old school, prep school too.
There's DJs that nobody knew.
But now they're known for doing what?
Ideas? Music? Melody?
Nup.
They don't sing.
They're not able.
They put a record on a turntable.
It's beautiful stuff.
When I read it, it really feels more like poetry than pop music.
So, question number three.
Which of these fish is real?
Is it broom fish?
Two-finned squib fish?
Sarcastic fringe head?
Is it the slimy, grimy, mimey?
Cock-headed dogfish?
Or is it Daryl Summers fish?
What are the chances?
So we have to guess which one is real.
One of these six is a real fish. Is it broom fish?
Two-fin squib fish?
Sarcastic fringe head? The slimy, grimy fin squib fish, sarcastic fringe head,
the slimy grimy mimey,
cock headed dog fish or Darryl
Summers fish? One of these
is a real fish. What's the first
Oh, what's after broom?
Two fin squib fish.
Sounds like a Dr. Seuss.
This sounds like a
gangster from Lockstock.
Oh, it's old two squid and squidfish.
Old two fin squidfish over here.
Who said you could show your face in this town?
By order of the pinky fucking squidfish.
All right.
So I think, Dave, you haven't gone first yet.
I mean, the only one that's not extremely ridiculous is broom.
And I'm like, is that in there?
Yeah, because there's always fish with like kind of boring names.
Yeah, that look like stuff.
But would a broom, would the little brush be at the end?
Or is it just got the stick?
Is it a long fish?
Or is it from broom?
How's broom spelled, Matt?
Like the sweeper, not the city.
That's what I wanted to hear.
Let me lock in Broome.
That's what I wanted to hear.
All right.
Dave locked in.
They never name it after a city, but a Broome.
That makes sense.
I'm going with the two fin squib fish.
Two fin squib fish.
And Bopper?
There was another one that I thought it could have been.
So there was sarcastic fringe head, slimy grimy mimey, cock headed dog fish.
Cock headed dog fish.
Yeah, cock headed dog fish for bop.
It could be, couldn't it?
Fish have weird names.
This is.
And like when I'm right, we'll Google it and we'll be like, that is a cock headed dog fish.
You know, you look at it, you're like, that is a cock-headed dogfish. You know?
You look at it, you're like, its head looks like a chicken.
Yeah.
But its body looks like a dog.
Can I just check the spelling on cock-headed dogfish?
Yes.
C-O-C-K-H-E-A-D-E-D space.
D-O-G-F-I-S-H.
Okay.
As expected.
No, that's not the one I was thinking.
Yeah.
How do you spell cock? I won't look at it. All right. As expected? No, that's not the one I was thinking of. And he's fell cock.
I won't look at it.
All right.
So let's see who answered what.
Daryl Summers Fish is not correct.
That was written by Saran.
That's good.
I don't know.
Where do you get your ideas?
I love to see how his mind works.
Daryl Summers, I haven't thought about him in years.
The slimy grimy mimey was Dave's.
Guilty.
Guilty.
I found that quite believable.
Then we had the two finned squib fish, which was written by the house,
aka Paige Carroll from Arizona in this case.
It's on Paige.
It's a good one. We had the broom fish, which.k.a. Paige Carroll from Arizona in this case. It's on Paige. It's a good one.
We had The Broomfish, which was written by Jess.
There's a broom out there.
And then I talked you into it.
I forgot Jess can only write things she sees.
I'm surprised it wasn't Couchfish.
Rugfish.
Podcast Fish.
Siren Fish.
Siren and Dave Fish. Siren, Dave and Matt fish friend fish so there's two options left was just right no cock headed dog fish was written by me the house really you wrote cock headed dog fish
I can't believe you picked it The correct one So we shouldn't
Google it
Is that
No I would not
Google
Cockheaded dogfish
The correct one
Was sarcastic
Fringe head
Really
No way
Yeah
What a weird
Name for a fish
I didn't think
They'd like
Sometimes they'll
Name a fish after
Something it vaguely
Looks like
But I didn't think
They'd name the fish
After it's vibe
Yeah you can't
Give it a mood
Yeah
It's not a
Good looking fish This is another fish I wouldn't look up it a mood. Yeah. It's not a good looking fish. This is a sarcastic fish.
This is another fish I wouldn't look up just because it is.
Ugly?
It is an ugly fish.
Yeah.
All right.
So what's the score now then?
Well, every round's gone the same.
One point to Jess, two points to the house.
I forgot I got a point there.
Sucked in, Dave.
You idiot.
Look out the window once in a while, dickhead.
So just to recap, how many am I on?
Sorry, you're on zero.
But I mean, it looks like it was made by Jim Henson, this fish.
Have a look at that.
Oh, yeah, that's a Jim Henson fish.
That's ugly.
Do you think it was one of those fish that they got Guardian readers to name?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, could be.
You should have been Fishy McFishfish.
I think Broomfish.
When it opens its mouth, look at that Isn't that horrendous?
That's erotic
That's not sarcastic at all
No
Alright, so
Jeez, we're coming up to the halfway mark here
We're up to question number four of seven
Don't question my maths
David Chisholm from Thunder Bay in Canada writes
Thunder Bay?
The following question.
On December 23rd, 1979, what did Boston Bruin player Mike Milbury do that resulted in him being suspended for six games?
Boston Bruin player, so this is in the National Hockey League, ice hockey in America.
What did Mike Milbury do that resulted in him being suspended for six games?
While you're writing your answers, for the listeners at home,
here's a little bit more information about the sarcastic fringe head.
According to this great website I found, wikipedia.org,
the sarcastic fringe head is a small but very hardy saltwater fish
that has a large mouth and aggressive territorial behavior and that's why
it's been given its common name because of its aggressive territorial behavior i don't fully
connect the two there but anyway when two fringe heads have a territorial battle they wrestle by
pressing their distended mouths against each other they smooch as if they were kissing
this allows them to determine which is the larger fish,
and that establishes who's the dominant fish.
Oh, it's all about mouth size.
Yeah.
Like, I've got a bigger mouth.
The animal kingdom.
I'm the king fish.
Isn't the animal kingdom fascinating?
Yeah, they get some things right.
Okay, Jess has got her answer in.
And it's good.
And it is good.
Good enough to fool Dave again?
Does Dave guest shows every time?
I just love Jess's work.
Dave's my biggest fan.
I love Dave.
Look around the room, Dave.
See if there's any inspiration.
Hey, what did he do?
Oh, he had an air conditioner TV.
What's an air conditioner TV?
We're going to find out.
That's the future.
That's what it is.
All right, everyone's got their answers in.
Are you ready?
Ready.
So you've got to tell me which one of these is the reason that Boston Bruins player Mike
Milbury was suspended for six games in 1979,
December 23rd.
Jesus, why would they play so close to Christmas over there?
Yeah.
It's like, don't they have holidays?
Take a break.
You know what I mean?
I know exactly what you mean.
I don't know.
It's about work-life balance.
Exactly.
Come on, Mike Milbury.
Don't you have families?
Friends?
Don't you want presents?
All right. Which one of these? Come on Mike Milbury Don't you have families? Friends? Don't you want presents? Alright
Which one of these
Is the reason he was suspended?
Smoked a cigarette on the ice while playing?
That is badass
That's bad boy stuff
You can just imagine it poking through his helmet
I wouldn't suspend him for six games
I'd give him six more games
I would suspend everyone else
But the 70s They were probably all smoking on the ice Yeah true suspend him for six games. I'd give him six more games. Yeah, I would suspend everyone else. Yeah.
I'm thinking, but the 70s,
they were probably all smoking on the ice.
Yeah, true.
Butting it out on the ice.
There's all these sort of like melted bits of the rink.
Did he climb into the stands and beat a fan with his own shoe?
No, I think it was someone else's shoe.
Because he's probably wearing like ice skates.
Yeah, exactly. They're hard to get off quickly.
Is that a way of saying he killed a man?
Did he kiss one of his opponents on the lips?
Did he give the ref a massive wedgie?
Massive is so good.
Massive.
Did he hide the puck down his pants and run off the ice?
Or did he pee during the game, turning the entire rink a yellowish hue?
The entire rink.
The entire rink.
What a piss.
That's a big piss.
So he smoked a cigarette.
So that's the right answer.
He did do that.
He climbed into the stands.
Giving it away here.
I will lock you in A, please.
Beat a fan with his own shoe.
I think that means with the fan's own shoe.
Fan's shoe, yeah.
Because you're right, he would be wearing a skate.
Yeah.
Kissed one of his opponents on the lips.
Gave the ref a massive wedgie.
Hid the puck down his pants and ran off the ice or pee during the game,
turning the entire rink a yellowish hue.
One of these is correct.
Fantastic use of the word hue there.
What did Mike Milbury do?
All right.
I think are we up to Saran first crack?
Okay.
Or Jess's first crack?
Yeah, I think it's me.
What are you thinking, Bob?
Just to help you out there, Saran.
No, I appreciate it.
I'm going to go for Beating a Fed with his own shoe.
Beating a Fed with his own shoe for Jess.
It's either that Ori
put the puck down his pants
and ran away.
But surely they'd have other pucks.
Why does he get suspended for that?
Yeah, I guess it's a bit of a faux
pas to run away with the puck.
Sure, but do you suspend it for six games?
Who knows? In Aussie rules
footy, they used to only have one ball for the
game. Yeah, this is 1979.
Yeah.
They weren't made of pucks then, Jess.
Yeah.
He knew Christmas was coming up and his son, all he wanted for Christmas was a puck.
Daddy, can I have my own puck for Christmas?
I've been such a good boy, Daddy.
Who knows why he beat that guy to death with his own shoe?
Probably because he stole the puck.
Yeah, okay. That's for my son. My little English boy. Daddy. Who knows why he beat that guy to death with his own shoe? Probably because he stole the puck. Yeah.
That's for my son.
My little English boy.
So you're looking at the puck one for Saran.
And Dave?
What are the other four?
What are the other four going to remind me?
So you've got smoked a cigarette.
Yeah.
Kissed an opponent on the lips.
Massive wedgie.
Or peeing and turning the whole rink a yellowish hue?
Sometimes I want it to be wedgie.
You've got to go with your dreams and I want it to be wedgie
and I want it to be
a massive wedgie
and I'm going to lock that in.
Yeah, the massive in there
is very funny.
Okay, so
smoked a cigarette
on the ice while playing.
That was one of mine.
That was the house.
No one picked that one.
Don't feel too bad.
Kissed one of his opponents on the lips.
That was Jess.
I thought they were all homophobic back then.
Right.
And also Dave and I were kissing on the lips
when Jess looked across the room before.
That's worth the six-game ban.
Peeing on the rink during the game.
That was Soren.
Hugh.
Fantastic word.
Beautiful use of Hugh. Thanks. Then we had hid the puck down his pants. That's the rink during the game. That was Saran. Hugh. Fantastic word. Beautiful use of Hugh.
Thanks.
Then we had hid the puck down his pants.
That's the one Saran went with.
That was Dave's.
Dave's first point.
Thank you, Saran.
Appreciate it.
You're on the board.
Dave went with giving the ref a massive wedgie.
I wrote that one.
So that's another point for the house.
Damn you, house.
Meaning that Jess was correct.
The true story is he climbed into the stand
and beat a fan with the fan's own shoe.
Six weeks he was suspended.
Six weeks, yeah.
Any sort of prison time?
Yeah, he went away for quite a while.
Six weeks.
Six weeks.
Yeah, you can't play because you are literally behind bars.
We'd love to have you,
and we see no problem with what you did,
but the law.
So that is one point for the house.
That is one point for Dave and one point for Jess.
Saran languishing on zero, but Dave is finally on the board.
And Jess is, you know, just consistently picking up a point each round.
So a quick score check after four rounds.
Saran is on zero points.
Dave is on one point.
Jess is on four points.
And the house is on seven points.
Four, seven.
This game is very much skewed towards the house.
Yeah, the house always wins.
Maybe I'll need to do it so there's one less house option.
But yeah, anyway.
This is a conversation
for off the mic, I guess.
All right, we're up to question number five.
This one comes from Luke Pearlberg
from New York City.
Pearlberg?
Pearlberg.
Never heard that.
I love it.
And on the form
that I get people to submit their questions in,
I get them,
I say,
if you want to write it phonetically
so I don't stuff up the pronunciation of your name,
Luke used that.
He said,
Pearl like the jewel,
Berg like what sunk Titanic.
That's nice.
Pearlberg.
So you know it's not Pearlberg.
No, yeah, that's right.
That's good to be said.
That's not P-R-L-B-E-R-G.
P-R-L-B-E-R-G.
Luke P-R-L-B-E-R-G. I like that betterL-B-R-G. Luke P-R-L-B-R-G.
I like that better, actually, but Pearlberg's fine.
Yeah.
We'll take that as a suggestion, Luke.
You can zhuzh up your name a little if you desire.
Yeah, however you choose.
So, Luke's question is, what world record has Nick Stobel held since 2012?
Who?
What world record has Nick Stobirl...
Burl, like the thing that struck the Titanic.
What has he held since 2012?
And Dave, it really feels like this is playing into your strong suit.
You're a big world record nerd.
Are you familiar with Nick's work here?
Yes, I am.
You're about to find out.
Okay.
Do you need to hear that anymore?
Yeah.
Could you repeat it one more time?
Stobirl?
So, what world record has Nick Stobirl held since 2012?
Oh, okay.
Because it's just a big world record, a modern world record.
So, 10 years now, Nick's held the record for.
While you're writing your answers, here's a bit more on the Mike Milbury incident.
According to the Bleacher Report,
they wrote,
imagine getting beaten by your own shoe.
Well, that was what one unlucky New York Ranger fan
experienced at the hands of former Boston Bruin,
Mad Mike Milbury.
He got the nickname Mad from this incident.
In what could be described as another incident
in the long Boston-New York sports rivalry,
the shoe incident, as it's now known,
will long be remembered as one of the funniest moments in sport.
The incident occurred immediately at the end of a 1979 game
in which the Bruins defeated the Rangers 4-3.
Someone from the crowd threw a tennis ball out onto the ice,
stopping the Rangers from being able to score an equaliser.
And then the crowd erupted.
All hell broke loose when a fan took a stick and hit Bruins stand Jonathan from above the glass.
Jonathan's team-mate Terry O'Reilly immediately jumped into the stands and went after the fan.
Soon other Ranger fans got involved.
This prompted the Bruins to join O'Reilly in the stands to fight.
Bruin Peter McNabb went after a fan.
Mike Milbury, who thought that McNabb was in trouble, grabbed the fan by the leg and in the process pulled off one of his shoes.
Milbury then proceeded to hit the fan with his own shoe.
I love how this is one of the funniest incidents.
It was hilarious.
Milbury and McNabb were suspended for six games and fined $500, and O'Reilly got suspended
for eight games and was also fined $500.
After he beat him up with his own shoe, was there blood everywhere and the ice was turned
a reddish hue?
A reddish shoe, that that's right a reddish shoe
yeah you wonder did he wear his own shoe home that night
yeah well that's no he didn't so in another article i read about it i went pretty deep
diving reading articles about this uh mad mike milbury was so upset that he then took the shoe,
threw it onto the ice rink so the fan couldn't get it.
And he's like, so that made me feel good knowing that he was walking home with only one shoe.
Worth every game suspension.
So the question is, this is question five.
What world record has Nick Stoberl held since 2012?
The longest time spent inside a supermarket freezer.
The world's longest tongue.
The highest high dive at 60 meters.
The world's stretchiest skin.
That's a great reaction.
World's largest retaining wall installed by a single person
i don't know if that's marital status or just the fact that they were the only one working on the
job somebody's made a much longer one but unfortunately he has like fuck sharon holding me back again or uh the largest collection of miniature
toy pandas oh okay from the top again please okay so who's who's answering first is i think this is
soren's gets first crack here the longest time spent inside a supermarket freezer. The world's longest tongue. Highest high dive.
World's stretchiest skin.
World's largest retaining wall.
Installed by a single person.
Or largest collection of miniature toy pandas.
I think it's going to be...
I reckon world's stretchiest skin.
Oh, yuck.
Look, I was also leaning that way between that one and maybe the tongue one.
Because I feel like that's a record you have for life.
Yeah, that's true.
Unless somebody stretchier comes along.
Until someone stretchier comes along.
There's always someone stretchier to come along.
But I feel like people with stretchy skin probably trying to keep it to themselves.
So they're not thinking about the record. Oh, yeah. They're ashamed of their stretchy skin probably trying to keep it to themselves. So they're not thinking about the record.
Oh, yeah.
They're ashamed of their stretchy skin.
I don't know if you've seen any issues of the Guinness Book of World Records.
There's not a lot of shame going on in there.
I've just realized I credited this question to Luke Pearlberg.
This was not Luke Pearlberg at all.
This question was written by Joff from Colac.
Oh, Joff.
Luke Pearlberg wrote a different question that I have not included this week.
Sorry, Luke.
Sorry, Luke.
And hello, Joff.
Next time.
I'm going to say longest tongue.
Longest tongue for Dove.
I'm also saying longest tongue.
Longest tongue for Jess. Tell I'm also saying longest tongue. Longest tongue for Jess.
Tell us we're right, Joff.
Longest time spent inside a supermarket freezer.
That was written by me.
The house.
It's so good.
It's so good.
The largest collection of miniature toy pandas was Seren.
I wanted it to be somewhat believable.
How many were you imagining?
Seven.
That's too many toy pandas, so yeah.
That's too many.
Miniature, like how small?
How small is miniature?
The record was held before that for like 50 years
when someone had six.
Is anything bigger, smaller than a giant panda miniature?
The world's largest retaining wall installed by a single person
was written by Dave.
Thank you.
Now, was it marital status?
No, it's just one man.
One man.
One man, one retaining wall.
One record to rule them all.
Great acting, Dave.
You gave that the biggest laugh.
That's right.
Thank you.
He found that the funniest.
Very proud of his own work. I thought the funniest one for me was the freezer, but I had to make it look like that the biggest laugh. That's right. Thank you. No, he found that the funniest. Very proud of his own work. No, I thought the funniest one for me was the freezer,
but I had to make it look like that that was me.
The highest high dive was Jess.
I want it to be something you might pick.
So you're playing the game.
For once.
Not just mucking around.
Not just having a bit of a muck around.
So someone here is correct.
It's either stretch your skin or longest tongue.
The world's stretchiest skin was suggested by Joff.
The correct answer is world's longest tongue.
So a point to Dave and Jess.
Wow.
Nick Stromo.
Nick Strogusman.
Strobel.
So that's one point to Dave.
One point to Jess. one point to the house.
Damn you.
Jeez, we're getting close to the end here.
Only two questions to go.
This next one comes from Kat Ford from Upper Hutt in New Zealand.
Upper Hutt.
Upper Hutt.
Get Upper Hutt.
Kat's question is,
what obscure international holiday is celebrated on February 23rd?
What obscure international holiday is celebrated on February 23rd?
It's an international holiday.
International holiday.
But it's obscure.
While you're writing your answers there, I'll tell you a little bit more about Nick the Lick Stobirl.
Nick the Lick.
That's good.
That sucks.
I'm going to look at this tongue.
It's no hick from St. Lick, but it's pretty good.
So this is according to an America's Got Talent fan page.
Look at that, Seren.
Nick the Lick.
That's a long tongue.
Nick the Lick's from Monterey in California.
And he has the Guinness World Record for the longest tongue. That is a long tongue. Nick Thelick's from Monterey in California. And he has the Guinness World Record for the longest tongue.
That is a long tongue.
He's got an intense stare as well.
Yeah.
He doesn't need to.
Yeah, he could let the tongue do the work.
Get this.
He's the host of Tongue Show on YouTube.
He's really lent into his one thing, isn't he? Nicholas's tongue, the longest tongue,
measures 10.1 centimetres,
nearly four inches,
from its tip to the middle of the closed top lip.
He auditioned on episode 1105 of America's Got Talent.
His act consisted of painting a picture of a flower with his tongue.
All four judges voted no, eliminating him from the competition.
Immediately, get off.
I looked up Nick Stoberl net worth $16 million.
And you know these things are always very accurate.
I'm looking up, like, there's another guy with a long tongue that's almost as long
and it says, meet the guy that can lick his own elbow. I can do that. I can do that and I don't even with a long tongue that's almost as long and it says, meet the guy that can lick his own elbow.
I can do that.
I can do that and I don't even have a long tongue.
Just saying.
Just fucking saying.
Where's my $16 million?
Everyone's got their answers in.
Here we go.
So, we've got six options.
Okay.
What obscure international holiday is celebrated on February 23rd?
Be kind to lawyers day,
international dog biscuit appreciation day,
world penguin day,
live like a bird day,
Daryl Summers day,
or international virgins day. Well, Dave, obviously you'd know when that one is. It's not in February, guys. Summer's Day or International Virgin's Day?
Well, Dave, obviously you'd know when that one is.
It's not in February, guys.
That makes sense because it's nine days after
Valentine's Day, you know what I mean?
They had eight days to organise and then...
Yeah, they finally have to come to grips.
Yeah, it's not happening.
Nine days, so I can't call this
delayed Valentine's Day anymore.
It is still a V-Day
but unfortunately.
So I got
Be Kind to Lawyers Day,
International Dog Biscuit Day,
World Penguin Day,
Live Like a Bird Day,
International Virgins Day
or Daryl Summers Day.
It's your day.
It's Daryl Summers Day.
That's the theme to Woman's Day, for anyone wondering.
The theme to Woman's Day, the magazine?
I'm going to accept.
Remember the ads?
Okay.
You mean you're reading and you're singing it?
It's my day.
Magazines don't have themes.
I love you, Woman's Day.
You're my best friend. Is it my turn to go first?
Yeah what do you reckon?
I'm going to go international lawyers day
Be kind to lawyers day
That sucks
Jess what do you reckon?
I'm going to go for penguin day
Just because I hope it's true
But I also hope that act like a bird day is a thing
Live like a bird Live like a thing. Live like a bird.
Live like a bird.
Yeah, live like a bird.
What are you doing in your nest?
Vomiting in your kid's mouth.
Forage for worms.
What do you think it's around?
I think it's penguin day as well.
Two for penguin day.
Nobody thinks it's virgin day?
Oh, come on.
Is that you, Jess?
All right.
I reckon you could...
It's funny by this question six,
you could almost guess who's written what.
Yeah, I'm getting a good sense of Soren's style.
Daryl Somers Day was written by Soren.
Oh, I'm actually not getting a sense of your style then.
But I was just looking out the window and Daryl Somers Day.
International Virgins Day was written by Jess.
Yeah, I thought that would trap Dave.
Yeah, he's trying to bring me down, have a crack.
All right, everyone.
He was like, there's a day for us.
I could meet like-minded people.
Serena, I want you to know I'm not a virgin.
I need you to know.
He's always protesting.
I'm always saying I'll provide proof.
I'm threatening to provide proof.
But it's like International Virgins
Day as well, so I wonder if you're
you've lost your virginity here in Australia, but they
might not recognise that when you go to
America. You've still got your V card in
America, for instance. You've got to get that stamped.
You've really got to prove it.
Live Like a Bird
Day, that was mine.
That is fun. We had
Be Kind to Lawyers Day, Dave selected that. That was also the house. Good one, house. But that was mine. That's fun. That is fun. We had Be Kind to Lawyers Day.
Dave selected that.
That was also the house.
Oh, good one, house.
But that was written by Cat Ford and is a real day, just not on Feb 23rd.
Oh, that's good.
We might be on here.
We might be.
Jess.
Is there two left?
There are two left.
Oh, we might not be on here.
Either Penguin or Dog Biscuit Day.
Why would it be for Dog Biscuit?
But if it's by a dog biscuit company or something
World Penguin Day was written by Dave
Two points to Dave
Thank you
You walked right into that trap
The correct answer was
International Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
So that is two points to Dave
One point to the house
Okay so hang on
When we have these international days right Who okay Dog biscuit appreciation day. So, there's two points to Dave, one point to the house. Okay. So, hang on, hang on, hang on, hang on.
When we have these international days, right?
Who?
Okay.
Okay.
Hang on a second.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
Do dogs have calendars?
Oh, good question.
Can dogs read?
Okay.
Is there a day dogs don't appreciate dog biscuits?
Well, let me put this to you.
Do dog biscuits have calendars?
Do dog biscuits read?
No.
You know what I mean?
Oh, no, that's also true.
Yeah, they also don't.
I thought I had you for a second.
It's a bullshit day.
It's a bullshit day made up to sell more dog biscuits.
I think we should change it to Virgin's Day and get Dave some friends.
Oh, that's beautiful. Did you look up when to Virgin's Day and get Dave some friends. Oh, that's beautiful.
Did you look up when International Virgin's Day is?
February 29th.
Damn it!
It's the day after Valentine's Day.
Day of the Virgin of Guadalupe.
I think that's a religious celebration.
National Virgin Day is on the 10th of June.
Yeah, June feels about right.
Yeah.
June's got a real virgin feel.
Got a good virgin vibe there.
All right, so I'll tell everyone a bit more about Dog Biscuit Appreciation Day
while you're writing your answer to the final question.
Great.
And we like to finish with a movie synopsis
question. Oh, God. I'd love to get on the
board here. Are you still, is
Seren still on zero? Get a quick
score check. We've got Seren on
zero, Dave on four,
Jess on five, and The House
on nine. So how many points
is this last one worth? Let's
go double points. Sixty. Triple
points? Sixty. Triple points on nine. Let's go double points. 60. Triple points? 60.
Triple points. So nine points up for grabs max.
Triple points last round, okay?
Oh, that's exciting.
Yeah.
Only because you are so nasty, Bill.
So this final question comes from Matt Rowe from Stanmore in New South Wales.
What is the synopsis of the 1990 fantasy epic film Time Barbarians?
Time of Barbarians?
Time Barbarians.
Time Barbarians.
It's hard to say that.
T-H-Y-M-E?
Yes, yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Time Barbarians.
No, T-I-M-E, Barbarians.
So while you're writing your answers down, here's some more info.
And what year was this film?
1990, the year of your birth
A good year
According to nationaltoday.com
No one quite knows the origin of this wagtastic holiday
I hate this article already
But we all know that dogs love these treats
We all know that If anyone loves dog treats it's dogs
created in the mid-19th century by american james spratt the cake like biscuit comprised of meat
grains and vegetables have evolved over time but are still dogs favorite reward so let's raise a
bake treat to international dog biscuit appreciation day and our companions
who love them now if you're out there going how do you celebrate international dog appreciation
day luckily the website nationaltoday.com has a few suggestions including call text email or tweet
your friends and have them join you for a doggy play date don't know if they needed to like they could just say contact your friends call text email or tweet only those options or another suggestion they say is get
festive get messy get decorative invite some friends buy plain dog biscuits grab dog safe
decorating icing and let your creativity flow reward the best decorated and then let your dogs enjoy.
Fuck, that sounds like, that does sound like fun.
It's a shame we can only do it once a year.
They are still writing their answers here.
Mine is in.
So we can have a little chat if you like.
Oh, I'd love to have a chat.
You're a dog man or you're an owner of a dog.
You're not a part dog, part man.
No, I wish I was.
I do have a dog and I do appreciate a good dog biscuit,
but I don't think a full day needs to be devoted.
Okay.
Maybe a morning.
Yes, exactly.
A little breakfast.
A morning tea.
Yeah.
And it's just dog food.
And it makes you appreciate, your dog appreciates it,
but it also makes you appreciate human food.
Yeah, you're like, can't wait to get out of this morning
and go have some actual breakfast.
My goodness.
But also, what am I feeding my dog?
Wow. He's a dog. He eats his own shit. But also, what am I feeding my dog? Wow.
He's a dog.
He eats his own shit.
Yeah.
And thankfully, that's not on the menu today.
So does your dog eat shit?
Often.
Yeah.
Why do they like shit so much?
Wombat shit.
Yeah.
Possum.
I'm in a room with three dog owners.
We love dogs.
I love dogs as well.
So I just lived with Seren for a week and fell in love with his
dog Larry. Laddie Bird.
What are we called? Larry
Dean. Laddie Dean.
Little doggy Dean.
Man, I fell in love with that freaking dog.
Larry's a great name too. Such a great dog.
Great name, great dog. Loved everything about
him.
He's a beautiful little boy. Larry's a rescue.
Is that right? Correct, yeah. Already named Larry?
Or did you name him Larry?
No, his name was Tonka.
Oh, that's pretty cute.
But Larry's great.
Yeah, Larry.
Tonka was too close to our old dog, Chunky.
Okay, yeah.
And we were emotional about that.
Yeah, too hard.
One of my favourite dogs is this cheeky little dog in our local park.
It's this old guy.
He's not old.
He's like maybe in his 60s,
this guy with two little fluffy Maltese dogs.
And I don't know what one of them is called because she behaves.
But I know what the other one is because he's naughty
and he's always on the wrong side of the park as they're trying to leave.
And it's just this grown man going, Barry!
And I find it funny every time.
That's so cute.
There's a dog near the park where we take Larry
and they're always barking and they hate each other
and the owner is an older lady as well
and she's always trying to restrain her dog
and for ages I thought that her dog was also called Larry
because she was going, Larry!
Or I thought she knew my dog's name
but her dog's called Harry.
Harry and Larry and they hate each other. Because imagine how cute that would be if they were best friends yeah my
dog's best friend's name is nelson you gotta call your dog nelson months nelson yeah it's very cute
all right all the answers are dave what's your dog's best friend's name is it dave yes it is
i'm free and little dave and tell me you call yourself hello i'm little dave Is it Dave? Yes, it is. I'm frigging Little Dave.
Tell me what you call yourself.
Hello, I'm Little Dave.
I'm my dog's only friend.
My son's too fin squintfish.
I mean, my dad.
Oh, fuck.
What a beautiful character you just created there, Cyrus.
So here's the final question. Question number seven.
What is the synopsis of the 1990 fantasy epic Time Barbarians?
And we're happy with triple points here.
Everyone okay with that?
Triple points.
Anyone can win.
Can I add a word to mine?
Yeah.
Yeah, cool.
Is it at the end or do you have to rewrite it?
You're rewriting the whole thing?
No, I'm just, you should be able to figure that out.
I wouldn't.
Honestly, not for triple points, mate.
I think you need to make it very clear.
Matt's a bit of an idiot.
I think I can make that work.
He's going to just put that at the end.
I'll say, and then Soren said another thing and this is it.
And then Soren's going to have to read the second part of Soren's message.
All right.
I mean... I forgot it was a fantasy epic, that's why.
Okay.
Here are your options.
A wealthy man uses a time machine to kidnap primitive humans to display in his museum.
Soon, a schoolboy befriends one of the young barbarians,
and they discover they have a
lot in common before hatching a plan to return everyone to their own times. Everyone.
Do I imagine like-
Not a lot of work required for most of them.
Most of them are there already. We're still counting that. We're still counting.
Yeah, we put them in their own time. We let them remain in their own time.
That's option one.
Two, we've got an evil wizard kills a barbarian queen and escapes through a time portal to modern day LA.
The warrior king chases the wizard through time seeking revenge.
Instead, finds himself trapped in a world he doesn't understand.
Jesus Christ.
That's option two.
Option three.
Time's up for three barbers named Ian.
Three barbers named Ian.
When their scissors go blunt, forcing them to sell their shop and join a time-travelling circus.
You can just sharpen your scissors.
Ian.
There's people that go around to hairdressers and sharpen them for you.
Why do three people called Ian work together?
What are the odds?
What are the chances that they're all hairdressers?
Barbara, Ian.
Forcing them to sell their shop and join a time travelling circle.
They put scissors scissors forced them.
There's no other option.
So, Red, what do
you reckon of this
one?
It's good, isn't it?
I would like to know
how time barbarians
is spelt, actually.
Nah, I can't be
certain.
There's no mention
of Daryl Summers
playing the lead.
Time barbarians?
Yes.
That's option three.
Option four.
Dr. Mitchell Brody makes a scientific breakthrough in time travel,
but a small group of barbarians end up stumbling into his time portal
and find themselves in modern-day New York.
It's another modern-day one.
Yeah, have they all been time travelling so far?
I guess the time is pretty strongly putting that idea out there.
So that's option four.
Option five, a barbarian outcast,
shunned for being gifted with brains rather than brawn,
discovers the secret to time travel.
When his tribe is slaughtered by Romans, he must travel through time to save them.
And if he's lucky, find himself in the process.
Or final option, number six.
The caveman and his dog are thawed in 1960s Mongolia.
At first, the local people...
Okay, so we found Dave's.
We don't know that.
We do know it.
We know it for sure.
At first, the local people are fascinated,
but everything goes...
I'm so sorry, because this could be the real one.
At first, the local people are fascinated But everything goes a bit skewiff
When he reveals his insatiable thirst for blood
Is it more than that?
That's it
Okay so we've got
That's all six
So you've got the wealthy
Museum owner
Uses a time machine
We've got
An evil wizard
Who uses a time machine
We've got
Three barbers named Ian
Who
Who are forced
Who are forced
To join a time travelling circus
We've got Dr. Mitchell Brody Making a breakthrough in time travel during a time travelling circus.
We've got Dr. Mitchell Brody making a breakthrough in time travel
ending up in modern day New York.
Oh no, sorry, he's already in modern day New York.
The small group of barbarians
end up stumbling into the time portal.
Got a barbarian outcast
shunned for being gifted with brains rather than brawn
who, if he's lucky, will find himself in the process.
Or a caveman and his dog who are thawed in the 1960s in Mongolia.
At first, the people are fascinated,
but everything goes a bit skewiff when he reveals his insatiable thirst for blood.
There's no...
I mean, I would say that the one that stands out to me is the Barber's Named
Ian.
The rest feel like they're all equally believable or not believable, but probably the one that's
most believable is that one about the Barber's.
But that's my thoughts and I'm not really playing.
Yeah, I don't know why you feel the need.
I don't want to push anyone in any particular direction.
Here's the problem, right?
I'm pretty confident I know the actual answer.
Oh, you know the movie.
I think so.
Or I can have a stab here.
So, if I could get triple point, I could win this.
Yeah.
Maybe.
Probably not.
Anyway.
But Barber's named Ian.
You're pretty sure that's the real one?
It deserves my points.
You know what I mean?
Oh, tricky.
So who are we up to to go first here?
I think it's Dave.
Dave.
All right, Dave.
What are you locking in?
Dr. Mitchell.
Dr. Mitchell for Dave.
Okay.
Well, if he's going to have a real crack,
then I'm going to go for option number two, the wizard.
Evil wizard for Jess. okay and saran i want to just point out that a little bit of um a bias i have bias is the wrong word
but i have seen this film okay and it's definitely the barber's named Ian. No. I'm going to lock in.
They're forced to close.
I think it's
the one where he finds himself
in the,
hopefully,
the outcast.
In the process.
The barbarian outcast.
The barbarian outcast, yeah.
Okay, so that's what
Saran's gone for.
All right, let's go through
the answers now.
We should have all like, we should have all worked together there just to beat the house. Okay, so that's what Seren's going for Alright, let's go through the answers now
We should have all worked together there just to beat the house
Because I think the house will still take it
True
Because we can't all be right, can we?
No
But we think you're right because you know the film
Have you seen this movie?
Maybe
So firstly, Dave wrote The Caveman is Dog of Thought in 1960s Mongols.
I've got to the point because in all, we've done this live a few times
and we've done a few for Patreon and it's become,
what's that thing where it's like a Pavlovian response
where I see you've written a film synopsis and I'm just ready to laugh.
Thanks.
So, I'm like absolutely selling you
out before we've you've had any chance it's it's a privilege to see you crack uh to see your crack
am i is that right pavlovian response yeah yeah um saran went for i and this is a beautifully
written one but this one was written by the house, I'm afraid,
Saran, the one you went for there.
Matt Rowe from Stanmore wrote that one.
And that feels very...
I reckon I ought to pick that one too.
Shunned for being gifted with brains rather than brawn.
The only thing that made me think maybe it's not that
is the last sentence.
Which is the bit that I added that in to try to think of
because that made me...
I thought that was funny.
Whenever somebody says something like that,
that's funny that that was the only thing that weakened it.
That was throwing me off the scent.
His ones were too well written.
I dumbed them down a little bit.
Oh, yeah.
Like genuinely because I'm like, these are too good.
He is too talented.
Then Dave...
Sorry, Soren's was, yes, The Three Barbers.
Fucking hell, Sorenz was, yes, the three barbers named him.
Fucking hell, Sorenz.
Was it?
That's one of the best things I've ever heard in my life.
Can I just point out that they initially, in the first draft,
they were just going to join a travelling circus.
And then Matt reminded me that it's a fantasy epic,
so I had to make it a time travelling circus.
Holy shit, that was so good.
Force them.
Dave, we fucked up there.
We should have both gone for that.
Seren just swinging it at the end, taking the win.
That is incredible.
That is so funny.
There are three barbers named Ian.
They're scissors.
He loves it.
They're scissors blunt.
What are you going to do in that situation?
Close.
It's like my hands are tied. There's scissors. Blunt. What are you going to do in that situation? Well, you're forced.
It's like my hands are tied.
I'm going to have to join a time-travelling circus.
Holy shit. I've got no transferable skills.
That's so good.
The House also wrote The Wealthy Man with the museum.
Also, it's Dr. Mitchell, is it?
That means...
Well, one of you are correct, I think.
One of you two are correct.
Wow.
But Jess wrote Dr. Mitchell, giving Jess three points there.
Fantastic.
And Jess also got the correct one, getting another three points.
So that's six points to Jess, three points to the house.
Oh, you're...
It is so close.
Saran finishes on zero points.
Congratulations.
Dave on four points.
Jess on 11 points.
But the house wins on 12 points.
Damn you, house.
Damn you.
When we did the live episode and the crowd booed every time the house score came out,
that made me feel so good.
That was the night I'm like, there might be someone in this show.
Love a villain.
And I'm rarely the villain because I'm such a nice guy.
Famously nice.
Too nice.
Oh, thanks for going with me there.
Thanks so much for joining us.
I thought you all played brilliantly well uh this game
doesn't necessarily always reward good writing saran you got zero points but you provided so
much entertainment where can people find you if they want to uh on instagram at saran comedy
and um soon to be on channel 31 a show with matt stewart called good tucker i'm looking forward to
that getting out there dave where can people find you?
People can listen to my voice every week on our other podcast, Do Go On, history podcast.
And my other show is called Book Cheat.
It's a book club podcast where I've read a classic book.
So you don't have to bother.
I'll tell you about it.
Really, our little podcast network has everything you need.
We've got shows about history, literature, music, trivia now.
Can't we sound boring?
We sound so boring.
And monkeys.
You forgot the monkeys bit.
I have made that.
History, literature.
Sounds like we've got all pieces of the bloody trivial pursuit.
We're all the worst fucking classes at high school.
Monkey.
Monkey.
Okay, I like the monkey.
I got double monkey
After lunch
Double monkey
Jess how about you
Where can people find you
People can find me
On Instagram
At Jess Perkins
And on Do Go On
Which yeah
I guess it's a little bit
Of history
But it's mostly
Comedy and friendship
And you can also hear me
On Simply The Jest
I am the titular jest
And we hear stories From Australia's wackiest callers.
It's a lot of fun.
Check it out.
Just quickly before we go, there were very few Time Barbarian reviews online,
but Bill Gibran of DVDtalk.com gave the film three stars, saying,
Time Barbarians is a total hoot, a helplessly ham fisted mess of a movie.
He loved it.
That sounds great.
Enough to give it three stars out of five.
Thanks so much everyone for listening as we are a new show.
It'd be great if you could help get the word out there.
Please give us a five star review and tell your friends if you think,
you know,
anyone who might enjoy it.
This has been who knew it with Matt Stewart.
I need to sign off.
Any ideas?
How do I finish this show?
Snap back to the Wednesday son.
That is too deeply in jokey.
What about something like
What about Who Knew It?
Turns out it was
The House.
Oh yeah.
Or whoever the winner was.
Oh yeah, I like that.
Who Knew It?
Turns out this week
it was
The House. Good day everybody. Or whoever the winner was. Oh, yeah, I like that. Who knew it? Turns out this week it was the house.
Good day, everybody.
I prefer Dave.
You always add an extra thing on the end.
It just ruins the whole thing.
He just panics.
And a little broom window.
That was you!
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