Who Knew It with Matt Stewart - 26 - Jess Perkins and David Quirk

Episode Date: March 6, 2023

Who Knew It with Matt Stewart is a comedy game show podcast hosted by Australian comedian Matt Stewart. This episode features comedians Jess Perkins and David Quirk!Check out Matt's stand up special FREE on YouTube: https://youtu.be/cWStRpI-BhESupport the show via http://patreon.com/dogoonpod and you can submit questions for the show!See the podcast/Matt live: https://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/Check out Matt's podcast network: https://dogoonpod.com/Theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and Logo by @muzdoodles! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh my God, can you believe it? It's the year 2024. It's Melbourne Comedy Festival and we've just moved venues. We're at the Grace Darling now. We had a great run at the Chinese Museum, selling out shows by the end, but now we need you to come over to the Grace Darling and shows are at 7.15. It's going to be so much fun. Love to see you there. Let's have a beer. Use discount code DOGOON. The show's called Dry Dry at the Melbourne International Comedy Festival. Then we're going to Sydney and Brisbane. Tickets to all that stuff's on sale now. And you can find those tickets and details at mattstuartcomedy.com. Welcome to Who Knew With Matt Stewart, the show where the guests write the wrong answers. I'm the titular Matt Stewart and our first guest this week is award-winning comedian David Quirk. Hello Matt, what an intro and the brevity of it. Good to see you. Our second guest this week is from Triple J and the Do Go On podcast. It's Jess Perkins. No awards. No awards.

Yet. Yet. Nah, no awards. Stand by. Hello. I think of time as being- An award. An award.

Life itself. And you have nothing but time. That's right. And awards. So much time. If you follow that logic. That's true. I've lived.

Yep. And that's the best reward. Yes. I'm going to stop talking already. Do you have anyone to thank? For living? Yeah. No. And that's the best reward. Yes. I'm going to stop talking already. Do you have anyone to thank? For living? Yeah. No.

I did that all by myself. You've got gold in living. Yeah. Gold in not dying. That's right. That's the way, Jess. I mean, I say you're an award-winning comedian. That's true, isn't it?

Well, yeah. Well. Yeah. Piece of wood. I did win that. Yep. Yep. Which is the Comedian's Comedian Award.

I think that's the only thing I've won in comedy. Including that. Yep. Yep. Which is the Comedian's Comedian Award. I think that's the only thing I've won in comedy. And I count the thing where I won a thing called the Medium Rare Comedy thing like 15 years ago. I'm counting that. I count that for sure.

Where I won five grand at the local. Whoa. Yeah. And it was obviously a play on raw comedy. They called it Medium Rare. Oh, that's funny. I was quite new, but I did win that thanks to Dave O'Neill who insisted that I win. You won five grand.

Yeah, there were different times back then. That's great. It was Nova. Nova were putting up the money. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be some of that radio cash. It was.

I took it and ran with it. Yeah, absolutely. As you should have. Have you ever been offered breakfast radio or something, one of those big paydays? No, and nor should I be, I don't think. All right. The way the show works is.

That's that. That's that. I ask a relatively obscure trivia question and our contestants have to write a convincing fake answer. I then read their answers as well as the real one and I have to guess which one is correct. Are we ready to play? Ready. So, question one comes from listener Harry from Little Hampton in the UK. And Harry's question is, what does the word petrichor mean?

What does the word petrichor mean? Great question, actually. Yep. I'm looking for an award-winning answer from both of you. And while they're writing their answers, I'll explain how the scoring works. So you get one point if your fake answer is guessed by the other contestant and another point if you correctly guessed the answer. By the way, I'm also playing as the house.

I've put in two of my own fake answers for each question, and I get a point for each one of those that our guests choose. So each of us can score up to two points per round. It seems fair, but the probability actually favors me. The house. And the house always wins. So if you've listened to previous episodes you'll know this is usually not the case anyway our questions come from our great

patreon supporters if you would like to submit a question sign up on any level via patreon.com slash dig on pod which is linked in the show notes all right the answers are in so let's go back to the first question what does the word petrichor mean? Here are your five options. A style of wood carving popularized in late 18th century Germany. A form of hardcore punk where all members of the bands are constantly petrified, scared for their lives. A pleasant smell that accompanies rain after dry weather. A short poem typically made up

of 10 short sentences, usually rhyming, or a hat that an orphan boy wore in Victorian England. Okay, interesting one. Interesting choices there. It is. Okay. They are. Do you need to hear any of those again?

I wouldn't mind hearing, I feel the first one and maybe the fourth one. First and fourth. So we had style of wood carving, popularised in late 18th century Germany. Petrichor. And a short poem, typically made up of ten short sentences, usually rhyming. And then we also had, what, a nice smell? Yeah, that was the one I was looking for. So we had the hardcore punk.

Yes. They're all petrified. They're all scared for their lives. Then we had a pleasant smell that accompanies rain after dry weather and a hat that an orphan boy wore in Victorian England. I don't know if it's one hat or a type of hat. Just one hat. Right.

Or one boy. One boy. And he made it famous. Yes. Hard to say. Also, five is just a tricky number. It's hard to remember. There's also that.

What's the word for that? When five is a hard number to remember. Do we answer? Yes, ideally, yes. If you've got an idea, yeah, jump in there. Oh, an idea of the answer? Yeah. What's your gut feel?

I wish they were written out in front of me. So you got the wood carving, hardcore punk, the smell after rain, a short poem or a hat? I will say a short poem. Short poem for David Quirk. Lock that in. I've only ever heard Petrichor in like a Paul Kelly song once and none of these are

That's gotta help Jumping out though That really I don't know what PK would be singing about Honestly I don't think he's singing about Is he singing about German wood carving? You never know That's a good point

He's done some interesting albums That are very conceptual So that wouldn't surprise me. Did he come up through the Petrichor punk scene? Yeah, is that it? Is that what he was singing about? Possibly. Because that's the most musical of the answers.

That's right. It's true. Lots of like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where they're freaking out. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And that would have been hard to not be influenced by. Yes.

You know, people screaming. It is unlikely that he went from hard to not be influenced by. Yes. You know, people screaming. It is unlikely that he went from one to the other. That said, I know a bit about punk rock and some of them do end up playing folky stuff. Yeah, true, true, true. So it's not as crazy as it sounds. Yeah. The cave went on a journey like that, didn't it?

That's true. True, that's true. Nicholas Cave. So I never thought of him as a Nicholas. I guess you're right. I love pronouncing famous, like, you know, Jonathan Cash. Yeah, that's fun. Just giving them their full name.

I feel like that's what I do with you and David Quirk, but you really go by David Quirk. I do, at least half the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. What do you think, Jessica Simpson? Wait, Jessica Simpson? Jessica. There you go.

Taylor Perkins. Jesus. Jessica Simpson. You've been thinking about my stand-up bits. Alter ego. Yes. I'm writing a stand-up bit where I'm saying I want to get married just so I can have my partner's surname because his surname is Simpson and then I would be Jessica Simpson.

Yeah, I like it. And I think. I think that's enough. Simpson. I like it. And I think. I think that's enough. There's something to it. Okay. Shit. What was the. So you had.

I don't think it's the orphan hat. Pleasant smell. Short poem. Orphan hat. I'll go the wood carving. Wood carving. Yeah. That was my. I thought about that.

Yeah. Yeah, that's, I mean, I could see Paul Kelly singing about 18th century German wood carving. The whole song wasn't about it. It was just one line, you know, so he might have mentioned it. All right, let's go through who wrote the answers. A hat that an orphan boy wore in Victorian England. That was written by the house. I have to quickly write that because I wrote initially one very similar to Quirk,

which was a form of hardcore punk music where all members of the band are constantly petrified, scared for their lives. Okay, yes. Okay, good. Great minds think alike. I did think that was you and then I heard the orphan boy hat and I was like, oh, that's Quirk because that was a joke we made earlier. And I've got no imagination at all. No, fun call yeah it is right an off pod callback yeah

they always work well for the audience that's just a little thing for us uh so then we had a short poem typically made up of 10 short sentences usually rhyming that was written by jess perkins was it j Jess? I liked it. Thank you. So one point there for Jess. I thought it was worthy. Yeah, Petrichor. Yeah. It's like a weird little type of poem or something. Yes, it does. Possibly.

A style of wood carving popularised in late 18th century Germany. That was written by the house, in particular Harry the Question Rider. Oh, well done, Harry. Meaning the correct answer was a pleasant smell that accompanies rain after dry weather, which does sound like a Paul Kelly. Yeah, it sounds like something he would reference. It does. It's quite, what's the word, literary and lovely, isn't it? Yeah, beautiful.

But I didn't think, that one, to me, I was like, nah, can't be that one. Why would a certain smell have a word? That's right. So is it, wait, it's the word that describes the smell? Yeah. So it's an adjective. No, I think that's what the smell is called. I think it's a noun.

Ah. If I know what a noun means. It's a name. It's a name. The name of something. Yeah. Wow. So it's just like rain and after a dry spell.

Yes. Is that it? And it was a term coined by Australian scientists in 1964. There you go. Not that long ago. Yeah. In the real scheme of things. Yeah.

I like it. I'm going to use it. Me too. I like that a lot. Yeah. Are you sure it's not the hardcore punk? I think it should be. Okay.

But, yeah, it does not sound like what it is. No. Yeah, yeah. It's not onomatopoeic. No. Yeah. It sounds much more like a punk band. Yeah.

You should go and see them. There's a particular band that is called Petrichor and they're really scared. They're freaking out. They're the best, though. They're the best at it. Yeah, they have a beautiful scent. Yeah, they do As well

Do you know I read recently that Humans can smell rain better than sharks can smell Like prey in the water Really? We can smell rain Whoa Isn't that great? I wonder how they measure that

I don't know You know I didn't read that deep into it I just went that's sick I'm going to tell everybody that. That's amazing. Humans are incredible. We actually, I think we're both the scariest animals,

but also the most beautiful. Yeah. Well said. Well said. I would go as far as to say that I have noticed the rain with my eyes before I even think about how it smells. Okay. I saw I was in Hobart just recently the other day

and I saw it coming in. Didn't smell a thing though. Wow. So I don't know what you're reading, Jess. Yeah, okay. It was a TikTok to be fair. I said reading. I was watching TikTok.

They're screwing the pooch on TikTok. Yeah, interesting. That makes sense, yeah, because the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound. That's why they at a starter's pistol will have the smoke because you'll see the smoke from a distance faster than the speed of sound. That's why they, at a starter's pistol, will have the smoke because you'll see the smoke from a distance before you hear the gunshot. Yes, of course. I didn't know that.

But where then does the smell come into it? Do you smell the smoke? Well, sight is faster than smell. Right. They should start races with smell, like the speed of smell. Yes. And so everyone's sitting there, you know, in their positions. Yeah.

And then just. Yeah. Instead of a starter pistol, it's a starter, you know, perfume squirter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that what they call them? Perfume squirter. Yeah. And the fancy shots.

A fart bomb or something. Yeah. You go, God, I'm running. Okay. All right. It's getting a bit silly, isn't it? We're up to question number two, which comes from Adam King from Brooklyn in New York. And Adam's question is, what is notable about the village of Juzcar in southern Spain?

Juzcar. Juzcar. Can we get spelling on that word, please? Yes. J-U-Z-C-A-R. Adam gave me a phonetic spelling. Yeah. Juzcar.

Juzcar. Because I would have said Juzcar. Yeah, you would have. Which sounds like a rental company. It does. Got it from Juzcar. Juzcar insurance. They're Juzcar.

Oh, yes. I worked there for a while. What was the question again on top of all this? What's notable? What is notable about the village of Juzcar in southern Spain? Very good question, actually. Oh, okay. Yep.

While you're writing your answers, here's some more information about petrichor for the listeners. And this comes from the American Chemical Society. So, like I said, it was a term coined by Australian scientists in 1964 to describe the unique earthy smell associated with rain. It is caused by the water from the rain along with certain compounds like ozone, geosmin, and plant oils.

Apologies for the pronunciation to the scientists listening. Of plant oils? I think you got that one right. Do you think geosmin is right? Probably. I know plant oils was. Okay. During dry weather,

plants produce compounds that accumulate in between rocks and in soil when it rains these compounds are released into the air to add to the earthy smell of petrichor harry wrote i first learned of the word as the title of a song by the band in search of sun on their album virgin funk mother He said it's a pretty good tune. You should check it out. Tongue out emoji. So I don't know. That sort of undermines the tip, doesn't it?

A little. Like, wait, should I? I think he's being cute. Oh, okay. It's a cute tongue. Yeah, he's just like, check it out. I'm crazy. I'm cute and quirky.

Yeah. That's the sound. See if we're doing, you know, I don't know what the smell of that emoji would be, but the sound of it would be boo. Yeah, yeah. I just did Google because I couldn't remember what Paul Kelly song mentioned, the word petrichor, and it's the song Petrichor. Oh, it's the title.

Yeah. Is that off his album Virgin Funk Mother? It's off the album Life is Fine. Oh, it's the Tornado Yeah Is that off his album Virgin Funk Mother? It's off the album Life Is Fine Oh, wow Which you have it tattooed on your arm Yeah I should have known that The whole album

We've got the whole album on there Including the track listing Yeah All the lyrics Is that Petrichor, the song Petrichor That has Petrichor mentioned in the lyrics Yes You have a tattoo of the album

Yeah Title Yeah What? How could you not have known more? Has Petricor mentioned in the lyrics, you have a tattoo of the album title. Yeah. What? How could you not have known more? And the cover of the album is Paul Kelly in the water after rain. Oh, my God. It is all coming together.

I really should have put that one together a little better. You should have. I think so. I think I might have to get this tattoo removed. Yeah, I was going to say. Oh, that's embarrassing. You've lost the right tattoo. Just put a line through it.

It's cheaper and less painful. All right, your answers are in for question number two. So here it is again. What is notable about the village of Uzca in southern Spain? Every adult is required to serve at least one 24-hour period as mayor every calendar year or face steep penalties at tax time. They take turns. Yeah.

Love that. In 1962, it was the site of the lowest attended Elvis concert on record when he performed a three-hour concert for seven lucky Spaniards. It's notable for its orange liqueurs. Oh. The entire village was painted blue in 2011 to promote the Smurfs movie, and they decided to keep it that way because it boosted tourism. Or cows outnumber people in the village by a ratio of five to one. Okay.

There's some tricky ones. There is. So everybody gets to be there for a 24-hour period. Sorry. Every child. Has to one. Okay. There's some tricky ones. There is. So everybody gets to be there for a 24-hour period. Sorry, has to be. Every child? Every adult. I was going to say, I thought that's clearly wrong. Then we had the small Elvis concert, the orange liqueurs,

the Smurf village, or lots of cows. That's tough. There's a few it could be what was the second one just one more time matt please uh elvis the lowest attended elvis concert on record just seven i'm gonna say people i'm gonna say smurfs really. They painted an entire town blue to promote the Smurfs movie. It's a town I've never heard of, so, you know, who knows? Yeah, don't. That's true. You're pretty well travelled as well.

Not that well travelled. There are not many villages in southern Spain you wouldn't have visited. That's right. It's the only one I missed. It was – they were painting it at the time. This is in, what, 2011 they painted it? Couldn't get a comp. Yeah.

Yeah, so it's probably – yeah.'t get a comp. Yeah. Yeah. So it was probably, yeah. I stood no chance of getting in there. I stayed in a Paris hostel once and they didn't stop me from sleeping there when they were painting. Okay. They literally didn't wake me up when they painted the dorm room I was sleeping in.

Inside? Yeah. Woke up feeling. Quite high on fumes. High, yes. That's so funny. The French. Close that room.

That's so weird. Just wake me up and go, hey, sorry, mate. We're going to have to paint today. Yeah. Don't book people in that room. That's. Or you might have to get up. Yeah.

Not just come in. I think it was like it was the morning. So it would have been reasonable to go, hey, really sorry, but. Yeah. Not just come in. I think it was like it was the morning. So it would have been reasonable to go, hey, really sorry, but. Yeah, we've got to paint. But it's like we don't want to disturb him. No, yeah, you keep sleeping. They're all wearing their masks, I'm sure, to protect themselves. I'm sure the sound of like rollers on a wall is quite soothing,

a bit like white noise. Yes. So you probably had a beautiful sleep. It's like SM, what's it called? BDSM. called? BDSM ASMR ASMR Orange liqueurs

Too many cows Elvis concerts, Smurfs Mayors I don't think only seven people would turn up to an Elvis concert Ever Maybe these days And him to commit to a three hour To sticking through it.

So I don't, I'd love it to be Elvis. I imagine Quirk would call off a show if seven people were there. Maybe I've done that, but I've played to seven. I also think that one might be a joke just because I don't think it's okay to use the word Spaniards anymore. Is that true?

I don't know if that's true, but I think I don't think you're supposed to say Spaniards. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Correct me if I'm wrong? I don't know if that's true, but I think it's I don't think you're supposed to say Spanish. Oh, really? Yeah. Oh, I didn't know that. Correct me if I'm wrong. I don't understand. Well, I apologise. Should I beep it out? No, leave it in. I think it's a cool word.

I just thought it would be the equivalent of Australians. Yeah. But it's not. I don't know. You have to say Spanish people. Maybe I'm being too PC. Okay. Or maybe we're all damned to be cancelled. Oh, that was inevitable anyway, wasn't it? Yeah, it was with this sort of hot topic.

Yeah. Just waiting for my cancelling. I forgot. What was the first one? Sorry. The mayor one. 24-hour mayor. So 24-hour mayor, Elvis concert, orange li liqueurs smurf movie or cows i'm gonna go

24 hour mayor i don't necessarily think that's it but i want it to you don't agree with it but you're gonna i think it's a bad system for sure i think the lack of consistency in government um mayors are usually it's almost like an honorary kind of role isn't it how much power does a mayor actually have come on yeah they're just figureheads, aren't they? They wear those silly robes. Sometimes. How do you take them seriously? I mean, there's towns that have a cat for the mayor.

You know, people don't take the mayor seriously. That sounds like a good town. In that regard, it could be the right answer. Yeah. So let's go through who wrote the answers. Cows outnumber people in the village by a ratio of five to one. That was Jess Perkins. I thought that'd be fun.

I think, yeah. The one about the Elvis concert with the cancelable word, apparently, that was written by the house. In particular, Adam, the question writer. You know these New Yorkers. Yeah. They don't know about, they don't respect other cultures because they're in a real monoculture there. I think that's awesome, Adam.

You're also quick to be like, it wasn't me that wrote that one. That was Adam. Throwing Adam under the bus for sure. You can get away with it. Being notable for its orange liqueurs, that was David Quirk. Nothing funny about that one. They can't all be funny. It sounded believable.

It did. Absolutely it did. It might even be true. Yes. We could have guessed it. We simply don't know. Then we had the one about the mares. That was written also by Adam from New York.

Okay, the house. I want it to be true. Meaning that the correct answer was David Quirk's one about the Smurfs. They painted an entire town to promote the Smurfs movie. You know, in hindsight, I feel like I had heard of it. You know, you get a distant memory. It sort of made some sense to me. It's very vague in the back of your mind somewhere.

Well done. Done it. Show us the blue. It's very blue. It's pretty cool, actually. Were they premiering the movie or just what the hell? Yeah, why did they choose this place to paint everything blue? Well, I believe it was, you know, they just went around going,

hey, we want to do a promo. And they were a village like, yeah, we could use the money to, we're happy to paint the, because like traditionally those kind of villages were all white. And then, yeah, they just found a lot of more tourists were coming and the locals were, you know, starting to dress up as Smurfs and sell merch and stuff. Oh, wow.

It's kind of cool. I think to this day it's still going, even though the Smurfs descendants, for the creators of the Smurfs descendants, I don't think the Smurfs are real. Are they? I'm not sure. No.

I won't confirm. We'll never know. know no how could you but yeah apparently they were like basically sent a cease and desist but oh but the town so the town's gonna keep the blue but they might have to get rid of their smurf statues and stuff oh my god that's kind of good i guess i think they'll just go for like home brand Smurfs instead. Yeah, yeah. Oh, no, no, these aren't Smurfs. Smurfs. Yeah. It's just blue. Don't worry about it. It's just blue.

These are our little blue characters, the Smurfs. Duh-ba-da. Duh-ba-da. Okay. Don't worry about it. Good one. All right. Question number three comes from Siraj Piris from Macau. And Siraj's question is, which of these is a real bird?

So you've just got to make up a species of bird. Love making up a species of bird. You don't need to give a description. Just the name of the bird is all you need to give. That's the question, which of these is a real bird? Yes. Come up with a bird. And while you're writing your answers,

here's some more information about Husqvarna. According to Lonely Planet, it's a village in Andalusia with a population of around 250 people and 1250 cows. No, that's possibly true. And it was formerly filled with whitewashed homes. In 2011, Sony Pictures won agreement from the villagers to paint every building blue in 2011 to promote the Spanish premiere of the Smurfs 3D movie,

which they call in Spain Los Pitufos. They chose the village as it's famous for its fungi. And Smurfs, of course, love mushrooms, apparently. Painters came in and coated the entire town with 4,200 litres of blue paint in what was meant to be a temporary publicity stunt. However, after the positive reaction and the colourful transformation garnered, residents voted to keep their homes blue permanently and capitalised by promoting Husqvarna as the world's only smurf village tourists

descended on the location where smurfs are painted on walls and locals even dress up as smurf characters to pose for photos so they're really making the most of it yeah i think it's sweet too and i feel so you help by the smurf estate to be like, hey, stop giving us this free publicity. Yeah, they don't own the colour blue. No. As far as I know. And don't you think it just keeps it in people's minds? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why is that a bad thing? Yeah. I totally agree. Let's bash them. Yes. Let's bash the Smurfs. I agree. Let's bash them.

You know what? I'm with, all of a sudden I'm with that Gongomel or the baddie from the Smurfs. I agree. Let's bash them. You know what? I'm with, all of a sudden I'm with that Gongomel, the baddie from the Smurfs. Yeah. Let's go kill the Smurfs. Yeah. Boil them up. They've had it too good for too long.

Let's get them. They call everything Smurf. Yeah. They're nightmares actually. Let's boil them. All right. The answers are in. So let's go back to question number three.

Which of these is a real bird? The red-breasted baron? Inspector duck? Satanic nightjar? Oh. Irish top of the morning? Or the flightless bassoon? Oh, my God.

Those are all so good. Yeah. Oh, man. Okay. Can we have them again? The Red-Breasted Baron. There's always a red-breasted something. It's fun to say. I love a double B.

Yeah. Inspector Duck. Inspector Duck. Satanic Nightjar. Irish Top of the Morning. Or the Flightless Bassoon. Okay. Okay.

I may as well go for the, it's clearly the first one is the real one. Okay. I like that. I may as well go for the one I think is right. This is a competition after all. That is definitely the aim of the game. Okay, good. I've passed.

I think it's either Flightless Bassoon or the Night something. Satan satanic night jar i would have i think they're all great if the house or whoever came up with a lot of those i commend them yeah but um like but the satanic throws it off being real i'm afraid right the night night what satanic night jar yeah like that sounds the night jar i can imagine it sounds like possibly. Nightjar sounds like some sort of plant. Something Matt would have next to his bed. That's right. Like a nightshade. Yeah, yeah.

In a jar. In a jar. But you're right, Satanic throws it off. Flightless bassoon. I could have gone for that one too. I'm going to go flightless bassoon. Flightless bassoon. I'm going to sing that in.

For Jess. All right, let's go through who wrote the answers. Inspector Duck. That was The House. Yes, I have been watching that Wu-Tang Clan series. Irish Top of the Morning. That was written by The House, in particular, Siraj. Love that.

I think it's fantastic. Love that Siraj. It's very good. Then we had The Red-Breasted Baron, which Quirk said is clearly the right answer. That was written by Jess Perkins. Shit it. Something's always red-breasted. And Jess went for The Flightless Bassoon, which was written by Quirk,

meaning the satanic nightjar is correct. Oh, shit. And you talked me out of it. I sit here flabbergasted. Yeah. But you're right. The satanic really throws off. That's pretty cute.

We went for each other's answers. That is nice, isn't it? That was super cute, actually. The satanic nightjar. Yeah. Officially my favorite bird. I reckon that is the mascot for the petrichor bands. Yes.

The satanic Nightjar. But, like, sometimes they do. Got to look it up. In naming things, they do, like, really project onto them. Wasn't there a fish one time that was, like, called a dickhead or something? Or sarcastic or something like that? Yeah, yeah. Sarcastic fringehead.

Yeah. I'm not sure you can put a tone on a fish. That's funny. Well, Daddy's crazy about the satanic nightjar. It's the name of a band, the satanic nightjars. Anyway. Last week's one was about a fish and the real answer was the bony-eared arsefish. Really?

Yeah. So, yeah. I can't trust anything anymore. No. The bony-eared arsefish. And I can picture exactly what it looks like. And its alternative name is the cavernous arsefish, which is wild. Anyway.

Wow, neither are good. No. The arsefish part is what they've really committed to. And if I was that fish, I'd be like, come on. Or cavernous as well. Yeah, just call me Gavin. Gavinous. I'm a Gavinous fish. All right, well, we're up to. Cavernous. I'm a cavernous fish.

All right, well, we're up to question number four. Do you want a quick score check? Yeah. Why not? Yeah. On two points, we have Jess Perkins. Okay. On two points, we have David Quirk.

But on two points, we have the house. Oh, three-way tie. It's anybody's game. That's exciting. It is. And we're reaching the halfway mark here with question number four. This one comes from Ashley Dickinson from Bradford in West Yorkshire. And Ashley's question is,

Chuck Tingle is a self-published author of bizarre erotic fiction. Which of the following is the title of one of his books? So we need to come up with the title of a bizarre erotic fiction. Just the name of the author again? Chuck Tingle. Chuck Tingle. And it's erotic, bizarre erotic? Yeah. Bizarre erotic fiction. Self-published. I mean, if that's right. Presumably. Yeah. Yeah. Not one of those. He doesn't have a major deal yet. Penguin's publishing some of his bizarre erotic fiction. Bizarre. Chuck Tingle. Chuck Tingle. That's a great name.

That's a great name. And while you're writing your answers, here's a little bit more information about that bird I just talked about. According to Siraj, local superstition says it's named for the repetitive plip-plop sounds it makes at night. Locals believe this bird tears people's eyes out while they sleep, and this is where the plip-plop sound comes from. So, yeah, pretty grim. I don't think they actually tear people's eyes out while they sleep. And this is where the plip-plop sound comes from. So, yeah, pretty grim.

I don't think they actually tear people's eyes out while they sleep, though. And some people don't even think they make that sound. It's just all a bit of a misunderstanding. You're making yourself laugh. Yeah. That's the way. Yeah. You know what?

I'm going to commit with it. I'm going to commit to it. I'm always excited to see what comes up after Jess makes herself laugh. It's usually dumb. I think you've got the Chuck Tingle tone. That's good stuff. You'll never pick it. Maybe I want to read some Chuck Tingle.

Get tingly. Yeah. That's his tagline. Get tingly. Yeah. That's his tagline. Get Tingly. All right. Order your Chuck Tingle bizarre erotic novel now. The answers are in. So here's question number four.

Chuck Tingle is a self-published author of bizarre erotic fiction. Which of the following is the title of one of his books? The Torrid Nightlife of Sophia Black. My hat has an unhealthy obsession with head. The gardener stole my money and then fucked me. Gay T-Rex law firm, executive boner. Or every dick everywhere all at once. Oh, wow.

Wow, they're all beautiful. I want to add all to cart. I want this whole back catalogue. I am going to need them again. Yeah, I think it wouldn't hurt, would it, Jay? Yeah, I think it would hurt. So you've got the torrid nightlife of Sophia Black. My hat has an unhealthy obsession with head.

The gardener stole my money and then fucked me. Gay T-Rex law firm, executive boner. Or every dick everywhere all at once. I think I'm going between the T-Rex or the hat. I'm going to go with the hat. I'll jump in and say the gardener. Okay. The gardener stole my money.

Well, I might have missed the point of the brief in that. No, anyway, I'll explain later. All right. Well, with your answers locked in, let's go through who wrote the answers. The Torrid Nightlife of Sophia Black. That was quirk. That was quirk. And, like, I've missed the brief in that that could actually be

at a Mills and Boone sort of. Yeah, totally, yeah, yeah. But it's not bizarre enough. Now that I've heard all the others, I'm like, I fucking hate this writer. He's bizarre, erotic. Yeah. Like, just one of those is correct, right? And it's not mine, obviously. And

I don't like him. Yeah, it's too weird. It's just like silly. He's prolific as well and they're all that silly. No, he's probably quite good. But I wouldn't read it. I think it's sort of like, I think it's maybe a little satirical, I don't know. Yeah, yeah, clearly.

Or something. God, you'd hope so. Yeah. I don't know. I hate to be really earnestly writing that stuff. I know. I just wanted to use the word torrid. Oh, it's so good. And that's the thing.

If the others hadn't been so ridiculous. It would have fitted in quite well. Yeah. Had I not totally missed the break. No, but how could you possibly know? I don't know. I mean, all you would have needed to do is put a brackets. Sophia is a ball bag or something.

Yeah. Sophia Black, the... See, my brain doesn't work that way. I've got nothing. The sentient chair. The arse fish. Yeah. Yeah, the sentient chair.

Now we're in tingle territory. Yeah, how could you possibly know that his titles are all ridiculous? But are they? Every Dick Everywhere All at Once. That was written by the house. That's very funny. Then we had My Hat Has an Unhealthy Obsession with Head. That was written by me, the house.

That's good, actually. That is good. Tickled me a little. You love hats, too. I love hats. You're a hat boy. Yeah. Should have known. Tickled me a little. You love hats, too. I love hats. You're a hat boy. Yeah. Should have known.

My hat loves head. And the gardener stole my money and then fucked me. That was Jess Perkins. Yep, good, Jess. So I keep getting sucked into Jess's bloody. Meaning the correct answer was, Jess, you almost went for it. Gay T-Rex law firm executive boner. That's the actual.

That's the actual. Gay T-Rex law firm executive boner that's the actual that's the actual gay t-rex law firm executive boner which was i think the most ridiculous of all of them is it is the boner because it's a like a t-rex skeleton or is it an it's a fully formed but i don't fully get it no it's i know it says there's an executive there's a t-rex is mentioned executive. Yeah. There's a lot going on. It's a bit busy. It's gay T-Rex. It's a bit busy for me. I think I would say that is something about the work of Chuck Tingle.

Very busy guy. I can tell. Let me see if I can. I'm absolutely going to. Read him. Yeah. I'm going to titillate to Tingle. This might be my bedtime reading now, but aloud.

Was it Chuck Tingle? Yeah, Chuck Tingle. That's made up. So I've just looked him up. The first one that comes up on Amazon is angry man pounded by the fear of his latent gayness over a dinosaur transitioning into a unicorn. Okay. Oh, see, I wouldn't have been so harsh on him had I known it was niche gay erotica.

Okay. Which I have much erotica. Okay. Which I have much more respect for. Yes. For some reason. I thought it was just some straight moron. Okay. The one that I've just seen is the sentient bread I just baked is a lesbian and she eats my ass. So I'm actually.

That's pretty good, isn't it? Yeah, I'm a big fan now. You've both gone full circle here. Space raptor butt invasion. This is good now. You've both gone full circle here. Space Raptor butt invasion. This is good stuff. You haven't gone full circle. You've gone half a circle. All right, here's question number five.

He's far more interesting than I even knew him. Like, it's a pseudonym for starters. Of course it's a fake. I mean, the guy's a genius. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You've gone from hating him to now be his biggest fan.

Yeah, he should read a copy of fucking My Torrid Nightlife of Sophia Black as far as I'm concerned. I think we should start a book club and we should read Chuck Tingle's work. Yeah, once a month. That'd be nice. A new Tingle. Class of Tingleheads. Yeah.

I reckon once you've crossed out your Paul Kelly tattoo, you should, you know, replace it with a Chuck Tingle. I agree. Yeah. Agree. Hard agree. Yeah. Question number five comes from Abel Bracegirdle from London,

which is a fantastic name, Abel. Well done. Is that a pseudonym? Got to be. Abel's question is, Yuri Geller is a famous spoon-bending psychic. In the early 2000s, who did he sue and why? Who did a spoon bending psychic sue in the early 2000s?

Yeah. It's almost too broad because it could be fucking anybody. Very litigious. This guy, maybe. Okay. Litigious. Good one. Good word.

Yeah. Didn't know that word until recently. Litigious? Litigious. Yeah. I don't think I could ever use it in a sentence, but I've heard it. Matt just did, though Didn't know that word until recently. Litigious? Litigious. Yeah, I don't think I could ever use it in a sentence, but I've heard it. Matt just did, though, didn't he? So impressive. He's really flexing his muscle.

Yeah. Okay, who did it? Yuri Su. Yuri Gala Su, yep. While you're writing your answers, here's some more information about that fantastic Chuck Tingle book. According to Goodreads, when Donnie lands a job at Jurassic Law,

the world's leading T-Rex law firm, he's absolutely thrilled. Unfortunately, after just one day, it quickly becomes clear that Donnie's new position entails more than just legal work. Uh-oh. Soon Donnie makes the deal of a lifetime and finds himself contractually bound

into a gay T-Rex gangbang that gives new meaning to the term dinosaur bones. Hey, you're on it, Jess. Yeah, okay. You and Chuck Tingle. Oh, I've never seen you both in the same room, actually. That's true. All right, while you're still writing your answers, let's go for a quick break. Okay, the answers are in so here is question number five who did yuri gala sue in the early 2000s and why he sued a man who thought slanderous things about gala while he was reading his mind he sued the makers of pokemon alleging they used his likeness in creating one of their characters he sued the makers of a local theater production of of Mary Poppins for their use of the song

A Spoonful of Sugar, not realising the song was from the original movie that came out before he was born. He sued Soundgarden over their song Spoon Man, as this was one of his registered trademarks. Or he sued his ex-wife for taking 51% of his bent spoon collection in the divorce. These are all very good. They are. They are.

They are. Yeah. One more time. We need just a quick recap. Yeah. Just with keywords. Okay. The man who, he sued the man who thought slanderous things.

That's fucking funny. Sued the makers of Pokemon. He sued the local theatre production of Mary Poppins. Sued Soundgarden. Or he sued his ex-wife. Sorry, Jessica. Did you say like what sort of time period this is? Early 2000s.

It's making me laugh. The Soundgarden one? What was the reason he wanted. The Soundgarden one? What was the reason he wanted to sue Soundgarden? Spoon Man was one of his registered trademarks. What a great way to try and sue someone. They write it. It's my registered trademark. Yeah, a good 10 years or so later as well. He heard it on Classic Rock Radio.

That's mine. Hang on. I'm the spoon man. I can't think of a, I want it to be Pokemon. I think it's Pokemon. All right, lock in Pokemon for Jess. That feels, you know, early 2000s. Yeah, I'll say Slanderous Thoughts.

Oh, yes, I want it. That's so funny. I should say you can also, you can always go for the same answer. Well, I thought I'd mix it up. No, I appreciate that. For the listeners' sake. I thought I should let you know. Thank you.

Just in case. Look, I do it for the listeners. Yeah. It's just about making an entertaining show. All right. Well, let's go through. Who wrote the answers? He sued his ex-wife for taking 51% of his bent spoon collection in the divorce.

That was Jess Perkins. I thought that was pretty funny. That's pretty funny. That's pretty funny. You wrote that. It's really good. Yeah. He sued Soundgarden over their song Spoon Man. That was written by the house.

Okay. He sued the makers of a local theatre production of Mary Poppins. That was David Quirk. That's good. That's very good. Do you think so? Yes, it's funny. Yeah, I'm pretty happy with it.

Just quietly. So that means one of you is correct. Ooh. So it's either hearing the man's thoughts. I want it to be that one. I hope you're right. Which Quirk went for or the Pokemon one, which Jess went for. But it is the Pokemon one.

So I'm going to Jess. I mean, it makes more sense. It does, but it's a more boring one of the two. Yeah, of course. Imagine if he sued someone for having slanderous thoughts. How do you prove that? Oh, man, it's so good. Yeah, most of these make him sound like he's lost his mind.

Yeah. These people, I've seen these kinds of people at the Adelaide Fringe years ago, and they trick everyone, and they are sort of egomaniacs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the only reason why slanderous thoughts wouldn't be true is because the act is fake, so they're not actually reading anyone's mind. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the only reason why slanderous thoughts wouldn't be true is because the act is fake. So they're not actually reading anyone's mind. So therefore, they'll never know the slanderous thoughts that

people like me have towards them. Imagine just being in the courtroom being like, this is what he thought. Yes. Okay. Word for word. Word for word. And then you'd have to try and read the minds of the judge to prove you could read minds. But you still can't prove what somebody thought, you know,

X many weeks, months ago. It would be fun because, yeah, you'd be like going, jury member three, no, that is not true what you're thinking now. Yeah. And wouldn't that convince you? Oh, yeah, big time. Jury number four is thinking about a porn star and not paying attention. Yeah.

So that's a point for the house because I wrote the mind one and a point for Jess who picked the correct answer. Quick score update. I'm having a lose. That'll work on two points. Jess Perkins on four points and the house also on four points. Still anyone's game. Anyone's game.

So we're up to question number six only two questions to go this one comes from steve kaiser from sydney ohio god's country itself and steve's question is why did bill bennett make the news in december 2004 while you're writing those answers let me tell you more about yuri geller's case. Nicole Carpenter wrote for Polygon in 2020. Two decades ago magician and illusionist Yuri Geller sued Nintendo in a California court for its Kadabra Pokemon card alleging the company used his likeness to create the character. You see Geller is known for his spoon bending trick just like like Kadabra. Now, Geller is apologizing for the lawsuit in which he claimed Nintendo turned him into an evil occult Pokemon character and stole his identity by using his name and his signature image, according to a BBC story from the year 2000.

The California lawsuit was dismissed in 2003. He reportedly filed several other lawsuits globally, according to the Guardian. But yeah, basically the lawsuits meant that they didn't make that character anymore. But he's backflipped on it, saying, I'm truly sorry for what I did 20 years ago. I'm releasing the ban. It's now all up to Nintendo to bring my cadabra pokemon card back it will probably be one of the rarest cards now much energy and love to all he sounds all right doesn't he i love that he wished me energy yes well i could use that yeah yeah yeah that that's to all as well it's inclusive yeah definitely yeah it's like it's he's got a bit of vanessa Amorosi about. Is that everybody?

Yeah. How's it go? Absolutely everybody. Absolutely everybody. Everybody, everybody. And that's what I just think that's a beautiful sentiment. Absolutely everybody in the whole wide world. Yes.

It's lovely stuff. Yeah. I mean, it's clever marketing as well. Should that be our anthem? You know what I mean? The world anthem? Yeah. Yeah, I think it should be.

The world anthem. Yeah. Have we got one of them yet? All right, the answers are in. So here's question number six. Why did Englishman Bill Bennett make news in December 2004? He won a running race against a former racehorse. He was the first person after Tom to sign up for a MySpace account.

I like that. That's good despite looking like an average size baby he had no mass and his official weight was recorded a zero kilogram wow i like that he sold a single corn flake on ebay for one pound 20 or he jumped from a cessna airplane at height naked sans parachute erect landing in his partner who laid on the ground and lived. They're all quite good, aren't they? That's front page.

Yeah. Some of those are like, you know, in the quirky news section, you know, deep in the paper, but that last one is- That's front page. Front page. It's world class. That's worldwide. What are-

Some of them- One of them's real, which is pretty funny, isn't it? That's front page. Front page. It's world class. That's worldwide. Some of them, one of them's real, which is pretty funny, isn't it? Just real quick from the top, Matt. Won a running race against former racehorse. Yep. Signed up second to MySpace. Baby didn't weigh anything. Yep.

Sold a cornflake or jumped out of a plane naked and erect. Hard to do. Hard to do. I'm going sold a cornflake. Sold a cornflake. It is the sort of thing the British would do, isn't it? Yeah, and it would make the team. Just reek too.

What a funny thing to. Oh, yeah. I'm going to tar them with the cornflake brush. Yeah. Yeah. Fantastic. I will say first one was, I'll say racehorse. Racehorse. The former racehorse.

He ran against it. He ran and won. He ran and won. So let's go through who wrote the answers. First person to sign up to MySpace after Tom, that was in by the house. That's funny. It's funny because, like, why would that make the news? Exactly.

It's not a thing when there's only two people on it. Yep. Also, anyway, whatever. That's true. I didn't see it that way, but it's true. No, me neither, but it's very true. Despite looking like an average-sized baby, he didn't weigh anything. That was also the house. I just thought it would be so funny that a baby's on the scales.

And I'm like, the scales broke down. It reminds me of the late great comedian George Carlin. I used to buy some of his CDs back in the day and DVDs. And he had this on the liner notes of the CD. I think it was a CD. Maybe it was a DVD. But it had all these, like, really funny these really funny ailments that don't exist. And one of them I remember was like cancer of the lap.

Because the lap doesn't always exist, which I think is funny. That's right. The lap. I thought what are the other parts of the body that don't always exist? I thought the fist. It doesn't always exist. Yeah. But another one that always made me laugh was total weight loss, which is kind of what that joke is. Yeah, yeah. Just don't, it's just not there.

Just total weight loss. I mean, yeah, the lap thing has really blown my mind. Yeah, yeah. It's not always there. Cancer of the lap. It's there right now. Yeah. But once I get up. It's gone.

I don't have a lap. That's crazy. Rip, rip. But once I get up, I don't have a lap. That's crazy. Rip, rip. Wood chip. Turn it into paper. He jumped from a Cessna plane naked. Sans parachute. Can I have a guess at who wrote that one?

Yeah. I think that might have been Dave Quirk. You were correct. What gave it away? The word sand or the sexual nature of it? Bit of all of it. It's quite beautiful. And lived.

And lived. And lived made it for me. I realise it says that the partner might have been the one who lived. He might have died. It would have been quite shocking for the partner. Like, I'm fine. But my partner's dead. But now you're inside me and dead.

Yeah, that's not a way to go. Well, what a way to go. What a way to go, but not a way for someone to go on you. No. And in you. You know what I mean? Then we had he won a running race against a former racehorse. That was written by Jess Perkins.

Fuck, I've got a real penchant for going with Jess's. Yeah, you like mine. You like my writing. I'm your biggest fan. Jess has a real penchant for guessing the right answer. Yeah, you like mine. You like my writing. I'm my biggest fan. Jess has a real penchant for guessing the right answer. She's done again here. He sold a single cornflake on eBay for £1.20. I mean, it was obvious in a way.

It's obvious you can pick the same as Jess. And, you know, current form, you should pick the same as Jess because she keeps getting them right. Can't think of anyone better to lose to, to be honest. Wow. He sold a single cornflake. It's one of those things where sometimes people will sell something that is worth no money for quite a lot of money.

A pack of cornflakes would probably go for a similar price. So it is some ironic purchase. Yeah, exactly. People think it's funny. And it's only because it's 2004 because now that's not making news, is it? That only makes news if it's sold for a million pounds. I guess so. Why would

it make news? It's like... You'd spend more on shipping it to someone and it would arrive crushed. What, are you wrapping that in bubble wrap? You probably, yeah, £20 worth of... Put it in a post pack. Yeah, so you've paid £20 for the novelty of receiving a cornflake in the mail.

I get that. That's funny. Alright, we're up to the final question. So I should give you a score check just to let you know David Quirk's on two points. The house is on four points but out in front with a double point round there, Jess Perkins is on six points. Wow, and I haven't even cheated this time. It's anyone's game though.

I can still come back for it. Genuinely, it is anyone's game because the final round is worth triple points. So, if you have the perfect round here, you get six points and you would leap into the lead. Okay, well, I was joking, but love it. And we always finish with a film synopsis question. So, this will be your longest answer. It's a short paragraph about this film. And the question comes from Edward Bassanelli from Canberra. And Edward's question is, what is the film synopsis of 2009's The Jerk Theory? The Jerk Theory. What is the film

synopsis of 2009's The Jerk Theory? The Jerk Theory. Okay. Okay. While your answers are being written, here is some more information about that cornflake sale according to the coventry telegraph bill bennett was a coventry university student and he put the solitary flake on internet auction site ebay as a joke but was stunned when six people entered into a bidding war for it. Bill, aged 19, had the idea while sat down having breakfast and reading a letter about his student loan. He said, I was thinking about how I was going to pay it off and I was looking at my bowl of cornflakes at the same time. I'm a bit of a

prankster and I thought I'd put one on eBay. I'm surprised myself by getting a pound 20, but I've no idea who bought it and I'm still waiting for payment off them. It seems to be proof that people will buy anything. The e-commerce student sale attracted interest from net surfers from as far afield as America and Canada. I think that really dates it to a time net surfers. Bill went on to say, I've sold some other strange items like a packet of nothing for 15p and a tesco name badge for six pounds god knows what they wanted it for all right you're answering for the final question here it is what is the film synopsis of 2009's the jerk theory a feature

length documentary trying to scientifically investigate what percentage of the world's population could be classified as jerks the results may surprise you the jerk theory tells the story of a young jerk named stewart quicksler who after leaving his quiet country town for the bright lights of seymour victoria and its jerk festival where he falls into a tawdry affair with a local jerk and becomes even more of a fucking jerk before his short life is ended one night down by the Bayou. It's a pretty good synopsis. It is very good, actually. I've got to get back to the Seymour Bayou sometime.

Beautiful spot. A group of sorority sisters become fed up of being treated poorly by the boys they dated. After noticing these guys all had things in common, the girls come up with a scientific study, the jerk theory, to separate the nice guys from the jerks. An aspiring musician named Adam endures a very bad romantic experience, deciding that if women won't respond to the nice guy, then he'll be the jerk. The strategy is wildly successful, but when he falls for Molly, who doesn't fall for his jerk routine, Adam is forced to reconsider his dating philosophy. Or a group of friends get summer jobs at the local water park. Their hard-ass manager only gives them five minute breaks, so their challenge is to figure out the fastest way to get themselves off.

Whose jerk theory will prove most effective? Get themselves off? Okay. I like how it's sort of, it's like, obviously that's when they're having a wank in their breaks and they've only got five minutes, so. Oh, that's what it actually is about. Okay.

Yeah, obviously, why would you, like, that's what it actually is about. Okay. Yeah, obviously. Why would you, like, have a drink or something to eat in your lunch break at work? If you've got a 15-minute break, sure, have something to eat as well. But priority is first things first. Okay. I mean, the year was 2009. It's a different year. Yeah.

Yeah. It was. Was that American Pie era? Yeah's a different time. Yeah, yeah. It was. Was that American Pie era? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of hard-ass manager won't let their staff get off? I agree. Or give them more time.

Anyway, but first one was. So you've got the documentary. Yeah. You've got the Seymour Bayou with Stuart Quicksilver. You've got the sorority sisters fed up of being treated poorly. You've got the aspiring musician who becomes a jerk to get the girls. Or you've got the group of friends jerking it in under five minutes. I'm going to say, and it's probably one of Jess's,

I've got everything riding on this. It's bloody awful. No, okay. Could I have the first and the third? Yeah. One more time, please, Matt. So you've got a feature-length documentary trying to scientifically investigate

what percentage of the world's population could be classified as jerks. The results may surprise you. Yeah, yeah. Or a group of sorority sisters become fed up of being treated poorly by the boys they dated. After noticing these guys all had things in common. Yeah, I'm going to say that one.

Lock that one in? Yeah, I'll lock that in. It's probably Jess's, but don't worry about it. And what about you, Jess? I think it's the one about, is it Adam, who is a jerk to date ladies? Yep. And then falls for a nice girl. Yeah, it could well be that.

I reckon it's that one. Yeah, you've saw it. I mean, they're two, the same vibe, those two, but from different sides of it. Yeah. All right, well, let's find out who wrote the answers. The feature-length documentary, that was written by The House, in particular Edward, the question writer.

Very funny. Edward also wrote the one about the friends jerking themselves off. Two very different vibes there from Edward, which is great. I like that variety from Edward. That's funny. Then we had the story of Stuart Quixler, who

left his quiet country town for the bright lights of Seymour, Victoria, which international listeners should know that is also a relatively small know, relatively small. Country town. That was written by David Quirk. Yeah.

The Bayou. The Bayou. Which they don't have. The Bayou. That's very good. Then we had. Does that mean one of us is right? That means one of you is correct.

Ah, okay. And so you had the group of sorority sisters or you had the musician named Adam. And the correct answer was the musician named Adam, which Jess went for, meaning that David Quirk picked Jess's answer again. And got it? Jess got it right.

Yeah. Sorry, I just made the... Picked out, I yelled so hard. And Quirk picked Jess got it right. Yeah. Sorry, I just made the, picked out. I yelled so hard. And picked Jess's again. I told you I'd pick it. I can't not. It's like a moth flying towards the light. And I lost.

And I lost. Yeah. So the real movie's about a sparring musician named Adam who became a jerk because being the nice guy didn't work. Oh, yuck. And then it becomes really successful. Treat them mean, keep them keen. Yeah.

It's funny because in my experience that only works on men. Well, have you ever tried it on a woman? True. I haven't tried it on a woman. I'm generally very nice to women. Yeah. But if I'm a bit aloof or indifferent to a man. They come running.

I'm not saying like romantically. I've used this in work settings to get people to do their fucking jobs. Yeah, good one. Wait. Years ago before we worked together, I used it on Matt. There's this scene

apparently, because IMDB has all these quotes from it. There's this scene where one of the kids is like, so you're like married to God? And he's like, yeah. And then he's like, I know where this is going. I'm not gay. Tom Arnold as the reverend says. Jesus.

You can fully imagine that actually, can't you? Yeah. And when was it made? 2023. 2009. That was one of the highlight quotes. And when was it made? 2023 2009 That was one of the highlight quotes Wow, highlight quotes, that's one of the best bits Okay, sure

There's not a lot of info about the movie But yeah, it doesn't sound like it's too good It does It has Channing Tatum's ex-wife in it The two reviews I saw gave it between one and one and a half stars. Wow. So not bad. I mean, a star's a star. So, final

score check. We've got David Quirk on two points, the house on four points, but way out in front on 12 points is Jess Perkins. 12? Well, you got triple points in that last round. You got maximum six points. I make you look pretty good, don't I, Jess? You make me look so good. 12 well you got triple points in that last round you got maximum 6 points I make you look

pretty good don't I Jess you make me look so good can you come back every single time I'm on this pod David Quirk

you've got a festival show coming up at the comedy festival yes I'd like all the listeners

in Brooklyn and the UK to come and see the show that I'm doing in Melbourne in about well it depends

when this comes out but it should be in less than a month same as Matt Jess you're not doing a that I'm doing in Melbourne in about, well, it depends when this comes out, but it should be in less than a month. Yeah, so like March and stuff. Same as Matt. Jess, you're not doing a show this year? I am doing a show. You are doing a show.

Full run. Yeah, nice second half. Oh, lucky you. Yeah, which I'm very happy about. That is the dream. I don't know why I've agreed to this. But, yeah, I'm doing a full run of the Melbourne Comedy Festival. It's a brand new show.

It's called Cobra or Cobra, depending on where you do things. it's about the golf club brand yeah it's about the stallone film yep from the 80s it's not at all but um there's so many cobras no thanks and that's at the melbourne town hall it is the melbourne town hall or melbourne international comedy festival and jess you're doing a show i'm doing a show it's called almost maybe it's the improv conspiracy and yeah second half of the festival and only friday to sunday so i've only got six shows which is just so good the drain and some of them are nearly sold out so people should if they want to go see they should get on it get your little tickies i'm also doing a show called ding at the chinese museum for the full run also um no i just was in adelaide don't

worry about that and uh we're doing this podcast in melbourne on theth of April and at the Brisbane Comedy Festival on May the 14th. You can grab tickets for that now via mattstewartcomedy.com. Thanks so much, both of you, for joining us. Thank you for having us. I love you. And cheers to everyone for tuning in to Who Knew It with Matt Stewart. Now that you know it, I've been Matt Stewart. Goodbye.

Bye. I'm finding this one hard to even answer. I won't like work. I've gone silly. Yeah, I'm trying to go silly. Yeah. I'm trying. Your comedy's too smart.

That's the thing. It's just too serious. Yeah, you're very serious. No jokes in there at all. No. And mine's too silly. Yeah. We need to meet in the middle. Yeah.

Just a little pathos from you, if you don't mind, Jess. Sorry, yeah. Dave, please, a couple of punchlines, mate. A couple more bonus. More bonus stuff. I just saw you do a whole set about having constipation. I get very serious. Let's get a little sillier, please.

Yeah, yeah. It can be quite dangerous, constipation. So I'm sorry to hear that. It's the opposite of what you think of people getting when they travel to India as well. Yeah. Makes you think. I think that's the thing about your comedy.

It makes you think more than it makes you laugh. Little joke there, which is one of yours that i uh have stolen into my everyday life david quirk ah little joke there little this is good chat i hope they leave this in but um i never had dry lips until the last like six months or something i think once you start using lip balm, then it's sort of addictive. Maybe. Yeah. Your lips without it, you're like, I feel so dry, but it's just your lips.

Yeah. I wonder what the listeners think. Text in. Fax us now. Yeah. Are your lips dry? Everybody dreams and everybody... Reams?

No. Everybody... What's she wrong with? It doesn't matter. Everybody breathes and everybody needs. Oh. Okay, it doesn't dream at all. I remember there being dream in there somewhere.

Oh, my God. There's so many. There's screams. Everybody screams. And that's just before she goes. No, there's no. There's nobody dreams. How have you come up with an answer so quick, Jess?

Oh, mine's dumb. You're just very good. No, but the dumber the harder. Short and dumb. Why does nobody dream in this song? Absolutely, everybody breathes and everybody bleeds. Absolutely. Everybody.

Yeah, they were in the news as well, you know. Yeah. That's why people do it. Maybe they got a photo together, that sort of thing. Yeah, being a bit quirky. Now, is your name a stage name? It is. That was an old bit of yours, wasn't it?

Yeah. That's actually my real name. It's not really even a bit, is it? Anyway. Yeah, no, it's my real name, Quirk. Little joke there. Shut up, asshole. I'm David Quirk. Little joke there. Shut up, asshole. I'm David Quirk.

I'll do an impersonation of Ben Russell's impersonation of you, which is not a particularly good one. My one of his. His of you is fantastic. Oh, man, he's very good at impressions. To everyone else. To me it hurts. Yeah.

The dream is to be impersonatable. It just means you've got to think. Yeah. Dave Thornton always loves doing one of me. Yeah. Does he? It always involves having the head back for some reason. Right.

And I think Ben does it as well. It's like maybe I do that. I'm like, oh, that's an impression of Ben and Dave doing an impression of me. Yeah, right. Okay. And they sort of go, what's the, like, well, I mean, what's going, you know. Interesting. Something like that.

Okay. I'm going to be paying a lot more attention to what your head's doing. Even more like a dumb c**t. Honestly, the dream for me is someone impersonating you. Isn't that flattery or whatever? I'll start doing it. Oh, yeah? Now?

Yeah, go on. I think I'd have to go with the fashion first. Like, I'd fully embody it. The tight black jeans. Yeah. Here's my impression of it. Okay, great. It's like, what did you think of that joke?

Is that something you say? He's like, oh, no, I've got off to a pretty middling start. I can't do it. I can't do it. What do you think of that joke? That's your whole act, isn't it? Oh, that's me on stage, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know how you walk out? Just needy. You know? You walk out and you deliberately set yourself up quite like badly, don't you, just to get out. Yes. I can't do an impression of it, but I know it. Yeah, well, I'm glad you know that that's on purpose.

I do, I do. I've seen it enough. I think others would think it's just incompetence. No, no, it's great. What do you think of that joke? Other comedians just wait for a laugh to let them know. Not me. It's silence and I'm like-

What do you think? Well, I'm still not sure what they think. Yeah. I'm going to need some- Other comedians would be like, I'm bombing. Not me. I'm like, hmm, let's find out. Maybe there's more to this.

I'm crushing, but let's find out there's more to this i'm crushing but let's confirm that yeah god knows what they wanted it for like doing a few line reads of that just to give myself an option in the end god knows what they wanted it for there's one if you want to use that that's pretty good god knows what they wanted it for but he's English God knows what they wanted it for God knows what they wanted it for The governor God knows what he wanted it for Your highness

Back from the dead God knows what he wanted it for The queen Back from the dead Little joke there. Little joke there. Done. Little joke there. Little joke there.

That'll be all. That'll be all. I'm a very good comedian. Come on, guys, I'm right here. Thank you. I am a very good comedian. And no, that isn't a stage name. It's not how we talk.

No, it's not. Fuck up. I can't do it. I can't do it. Do me. Wait, did you say something? I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know what to say't know. I don't know. I don't know what to say. I'm Jess Perkins. That's something you say a lot, isn't it? That's spot on. I'm Jess Perkins. I do say that a lot, actually. I'm terrified people will forget my name.

Hello, I'm Jess Perkins. Yeah, no, it's pretty good. Oh, my God. Thanks for your patience, everyone.