Who Knew It with Matt Stewart - 59 - Charlie Clausen and Cass Paige

Episode Date: October 23, 2023

Who Knew It with Matt Stewart is a comedy game show podcast hosted by Australian comedian Matt Stewart. This episode features guests Cass Paige (Shut Up a Second) and Charlie Clausen (TOFOP/Two Guys One Cup)!Watch Matt's stand up special FREE on YouTube: https://youtu.be/cWStRpI-BhESupport the show via http://patreon.com/dogoonpod and you can submit questions for the show!Get tickets to see the podcast/Matt live: https://www.mattstewartcomedy.com/Check out Matt's podcast network: https://dogoonpod.com/Theme song by Evan Munro-Smith and Logo by @muzdoodles! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Oh my God, can you believe it? It's the year 2024. It's Melbourne Comedy Festival and we've just moved venues. We're at the Grace Darling now. We had a great run at the Chinese Museum, selling out shows by the end, but now we need you to come over to the Grace Darling and shows are at 7.15. It's going to be so much fun. Love to see you there. Let's have a beer. Use discount code do go on the show's called dry dry at the melbourne international comedy festival then we're going to sydney and brisbane tickets to all that stuff's on sale now and you can find those tickets and details at mattstuartcomedy.com welcome to who knew with matt stewart the show where the guests write the wrong answers. I'm the titular Matt Stewart. Our first guest is host of the Shut Up A Second and Being Hot Is Hard podcast. It's Cass Page. Here I am.

Our second guest this week has appeared on every classic Australian TV show from Home and Away, Neighbours, Blue Heelers and McLeod's Daughters. It's host of the Two Guys One Cup podcast Charlie Clawson Hello I didn't know you'd been in all those shows All Saints is the only one that got away Never got on All Saints Did you ever work with Georgie Parker though?

Yeah, she was in Home and Away She's Rue, grown up Rue on Home and Away She's a grown up kid character from like the 80s or something Yeah, like Rue was a teenager in the 80s She was one of the first foster kids I believe like well rue was a teenager in the 80s she's one of the first foster kids i believe when tom and pippa right house i remember the actress who played young rue i did read that you played two characters on blue healers you did it you played a grave robber and then you came back this is right i didn't know you had a researcher on this show what's the

budget i felt i felt i fell in a bit in a bit of a cross and hole yesterday. Oh, they suck. That's what my wife calls me. She's like, I wish I'd never married you and fallen into that cross and hole. Yes, no, that is true. Funny story. I feel like this is a talk show and you've set me up for an anecdote that my people have prepped you with.

But yes, my first ever acting job was my agent called and said oh you've got a part on blue healers it's just like a couple of lines but you're playing a grave digger and i was like oh awesome so i turn up at this like you know cemetery in werribee and there's another kind of actor there and we're just waiting around for the you know the crew to arrive because they're coming from another location and we start chatting and he's like who are you playing and i said the grave digger who are you playing he's gone to grave digger and i'm like oh no like i think there's only one grave digger because i've you know read the script and he's like yeah that's me i'm like no my agent so i called my agent my agent said well i don't know they just said that you know

charlie's got the job as a grave digger so the director arrives they're setting up the shot and i'm like i'm the grave digger and he's like no no i'm the grave digger and the director's like you know what we don't even need to hear from the grave digger. And he's like, no, no, I'm the grave digger. And the director's like, you know what? We don't even need to hear from the grave digger because I wanted the line on camera. Like, this is the body or whatever it was. I can't remember. The director said, fuck it. We're just going to get rid of the line altogether.

And so the only part of me you see in the shot is the back of my shoulders. They're shooting up towards Sergeant Tom, whatever his name is, Croydon. And then my gloved hand wiping away the name on the front of the coffin. And that was my first appearance on Blue Heelers, is my shoulder and my hand. What about the other guy? Did he get any torso in, any face?

Fuck him. Man, that sounds stressful. You have to plead your cases. You think you've got the job and then you're like, I'll be really good at saying there's the body. Here's the body. Sorry, here's the body. All right, I have to know,

were you credited as Gravedigger 1 or Gravedigger 2? Oh, no, that's a good point. Actually, Matt, have you got time? Go look up IMDB. Or type in Charlie Clawson Gravedigger Blue Heelers and see if it comes up as an IMDB credit. Because I think it was so minimal, like I'm an extra essentially, that they wouldn't have credited me, but it might exist.

IMDb can be updated by regular people just like you and me, right? So we could. Oh, IMDb? Yeah, we could. I would have to know what episode it was though, wouldn't I? It does mention it in your... Because it came up here. Let me see. It comes up under trivia.

Before getting the role of Senior Constable Alex Kirby, Charlie made his first appearance on the show in a cameo as a gravedigger. Not a cameo. It literally was an extra, an uncredited extra. It's funny how it's funny it's yeah zhuzhing up the extra role like did you know back ending it as a costner kevin costner's first starring role was in the big chill but then they cut him out of the entire film because you know the big chill the plot of that is a group of friends getting together after the premature

death of one of their other friends ke Kevin Costner was the guy who died. And there was all these flashbacks with all the friends remembering their time with Kevin Costner. But then the director was like, nah. So he's in it, but he's the corpse. Kevin Costner is the corpse in The Big Chill. I kind of feel like, you know, that was my corpse moment. Hey, let's start the show. This is how it works, Charlie. This is your first time, so I'll explain it to you.

The way it works is I ask a relatively obscure trivia question and then our contestants have to write a convincing fake answer. I then read out their answers as well as the real one and I have to guess which one is correct. And the questions come in from listeners. The first one comes from Becca from Park Ridge in Queensland, and Becca's question is, what does spermaceti mean? What does spermaceti mean?

It sounds delicious. Yeah, I could not fit in another bite of spermaceti. I've swallowed too much tonight. While they're writing their answers, I'll explain how the scoring works. So you get one point if your fake answer is guessed by the other contestant, and another point if you correctly guess the answer.

By the way, I'm also playing as the house. I've put in two of my own fake answers for each question. Hey, Matt, I'm really sorry. I've forgotten what the question was. Was something spermaceti? What was spermaceti? What does spermaceti mean? So you need to define the word spermaceti? What does spermaceti mean? So you need to define the word spermaceti.

Can I ask for a spelling too? Is it sperm like the sperm term? S-P-E-R-M-A-C-E-T-I. Only one T. Okay. It sounds so much like spaghetti. I can't stop thinking about pasta, but it's not that. Well, could be.

It sounds Italian a lot. So it's like, what does seti mean? Seti. Seti like a couch. Sperma seti. I don't know, does seti mean couch? So anyway, we can all score up to two points per round Which seems fair but the probability actually favors me

The house And that's why the house has won Nearly a third of the episodes of this show Pretty good odds Anyway our questions come from Our great Patreon supporters If you want to submit a question sign up on any level via Patreon.com slash do go on pod

Which is linked in the show notes Alright the answers are in for question number one What does Spermaceti mean? and sign up on any level via patreon.com.au which is linked in the show notes. All right, the answers are in for question number one. What does spermaceti mean? Spermaceti could also be like a cop in a 70s like... I love your badge, spermaceti. Yeah. You've been shooting all over the place, spermaceti. What does spermaceti mean?

The long tendrils that grow out of plants where the flower meets the stem. A pasta shape from the Umbria region of Italy named for its resemblance to sperm. The white waxy substance found in head cavities of sperm whales. A lace frock or a seti lounge from Victorian England said to increase fertility when couples used it for copulation. It's not the last one. I do like how your brainstorming session ticked off quite a few of these options, Charlie. Yeah.

There's so many in there that I believe. Can you give me the short version of each one again? Yes. Long tendrils from a plant, plaster shape, waxy substance in a sperm whale's head, lace frock, or the boning couch. Lace frock is so innocuous, but it could just be... They name things after so many different things. You know, the person who invented... I think it's person who invented the smegma from the sperm whale because it's got sperm right there like i think that's what's

magma i like you know like dick dick cheese okay okay you know because that's what they're saying right that's a build-up of some waxy Yeah, in the head of the sperm whale. Yeah, head dick cheese. Whale head dick cheese. Oh, like head cheese. Okay, sorry. Head cheese, yeah. I bet you it's a delicacy somewhere, head cheese, whether or not it's spermaceti.

Although maybe that's what spermaceti is, a delicacy as well. I love how like all those pastas that sound fancy as well just mean, you know, like, Fermicelli or whatever. That's not one of them. But they all just mean, like, elbows or bends or, like, bow ties. They all just mean, like, it sounds fancy, but it's just the basic Italian word for the shape. So you could have, like, a spermaceti and, like, a camnoli and, like. Gizzacc and like jizzachini jizzachini like

so you're like you're locking in the uh what'd you call it the the head cheese no head cheese whale dick head cheese i like that first word you use i don't think i knew what it meant until now chogma smeg smegma chogma that's like that's some sort of a political body isn't it a chogma they made it chogma every four years i don't know and cast what are you thinking i think we're gonna go the lace dress lace dress okay because it cass i don't know i can i can imagine looking at a dress and thinking of the same feelings that would make me name vermicelli vermicelli yeah spermicelli locked it in here's who wrote the answers long tendrils that grow out of plants where the flower meets the stem that was caspage that was very isn't that just came that was amazing that was my second choice oh thank you

that felt like that was really good i was once again choice. Oh, thank you. That was really good. That feels like a real thing. I was thinking of Vermicelli. I'm like, what would I name something? It's a beautiful name for a girl. Very convincing. Sede Lounge from Victorian England that helps fertility. That was written by Becca, in particular, from the house.

Thank you, Becca. That was written by Becca, aka the house, which is the one that Charlie ruled out straight away. Becca also wrote... Sorry, no offence, Becca. Becca also wrote the one about the pasta shape from the Umbria region of Italy. It was amazing because your first two instincts

were the same as Becca's. Sete lounge, pasta shape. Yeah. I had to work my way through it. And that means Charlie is correct. It's the white waxy substance found in the head of Cavity's. And Cass went for Charlie's, which was a lace frock. Oh, my God.

Yes. Isn't that interesting? I almost fell for yours and you definitely fell for mine. So we're like two swordsmen or like fences you know it's like you know in every movie they'll yeah they'll start off they'll be like oh they admire each other oh i see you trained under master sheng too finally a worthy opponent yeah i was growing so bored all right so after one round it's the house of no points cast of no points but in front on two points, it's Charlie Clawson.

And that brings us to question number two, which comes from Michael from Pellaquin, which I'm not sure where that is. And Michael's question is, what is the mascot of the Portland Timbers Soccer Club that plays in Major League Soccer in America? What's their mascot and what does it do to celebrate a goal? It's a sperm whale.

And you're not going to believe what it does. Chogum's right out its blowhole. I'm still saying Chogum. Sprogum. Smegma. Smegma. Smeg. So while you're writing your answers, I'm going to tell the audience a bit more about

spermaceti. Becca writes of spermaceti that it was used chiefly in ointments, cosmetic creams, fine wax candles, pomades, and textile finishing. And later, it was used for industrial lubricants. The substance was named in the mistaken belief that it was the coagulated semen of the whale. I guess that's why the whales were called sperm whales as well. Named for the spoof. Yeah, I guess so.

I thought they were named that because they looked like big sperm. But did we know what sperm looked like when we found them? Oh yeah, probably not, right? No. How big were their magnifying glasses back then? They happened to be pretty big. To look at mine. Some guy's really fragile about the size of his sperm.

I've got actually huge sperm. Yeah, my semen are actually really big. You can actually see what they look like. Yeah. I can actually tell which one's the fastest one because I raced them. It actually beat a trout once. Beat a trout up the Murray River.

We raced them right across. I mean, so part of the game, though, is potentially to try and get it right, but also to throw off your opponent. Or is that 90% of the game? I think, yeah, it's mainly throwing off your opponent, but also having a little fun along the way. Yeah, it's the friends you made.

All right, here's question number two. What is the mascot of the Portland Timbers Major League Soccer team and what does it do to celebrate a goal? Twiggy is the name. An anthropomorphic pine tree that runs length of the field before toppling over as the crowd screams, Timber! Twiggy is the name, an anthropomorphic pine tree that runs length of the field before toppling over as the crowd screams, timber. Timber Joey.

That's pretty good. To celebrate a goal, Timber Joey uses his chainsaw to take off a slice of a large log known as the victory log. I was thinking that. I was. Actually, I was thinking more like Royal Melbourne Show, you know, the axe competition, the wood chopping competition. Remember that guy, that Tasmanian guy who was, like,

world champion for a long time? He was one of Australia's great sportsmen. I can't think of his name. No. Well, clearly one of Australia's great sportsmen who will fade into obscurity. Then we've got Bucky the Beaver, who, after a goal, pretends to eat the goalposts. You've got Monucky the beaver, who, after a goal, pretends to eat the goalposts. We've got Monty the mountain lion, who has fed a chunk of meat painted with the opposition's colours every time a goal is scored.

Hang on, wait a minute. Wait, an actual... Sorry, not real meat. Yeah, real meat. Well, I mean... But it's not a real mountain lion, or is it a real mountain lion? I think this one must be a real mountain lion. This can't be true.

So it can't be real paint then, right? I guess food dye probably. This story does not check out at all, Matt Stewart. Something has to be fake in this. I know it with Matt Stewart, and it's definitely that is not a real one. The final option is a sentient chainsaw who pulls spectators out of the crowd and pretends to cut them in half. When I was writing mine down, I had this idea about not a chainsaw, but a man with a chainsaw who'd run up.

I think that's why I asked you to clarify is it after a goal? Because in my mind, at halftime, he runs out and he's like, who's got wood? He runs out in the crowd and pretends to chop all the guys dicks off i think i could get into sport if that were happening that's so fun that is fun i love getting the crowd involved that's the kind of like any of these i'm if i'm ever in the portland area i'm going to a game based on any of those celebrations i reckon yeah theater uh so what what are you thinking can we get a summary again, please? So we've got Twiggy, the anthropomorphic pine tree.

Who falls. Falls over. Timber. Timber Joey. Timber Joey gets involved in that. Timber Joey celebrates a goal by taking a slice off the victory log. Bucky the beaver, who pretends to eat the goalposts. Monty the mountain lion, who's a real mountain lion eating meat.

Stop. Or a sentient chainsaw who pretends to cut them in half That's my one sentient chainsaw Sorry am I allowed to just go Yeah you can lock in sure Can I lock in the last one It's locked I reckon I really like the beaver

And the one that falls over and says timber Because I think they're both fun I reckon I'll go The beaver the one that falls over and says timber because I think they're both fun. I reckon I'll go the beaver. Locking the beaver in for cast. All right, here's who wrote the answers. Let's start with Monty the Mountain Lion. I wrote that one.

I think it's a real lion, guys. So many holes in that scenario. Sometimes teams actually have real animals as mascots, okay? And it's real meat he's eating too. It's real meat and it was probably food dye. I'm not saying it was painted with house paint. You did say paint. Well, I regretted that. All we're saying is you could have put a little more work into it, Matt.

That's all we're saying. The other one I wrote was Twiggy the anthropomorphic tree who falls down when the crowd screams timber. Really good. I like that one. That's so fun for the crowd to get involved in, like your Dixoff one. Yeah.

Because you can imagine, like, getting tanked at the event and then someone comes up and you're just like, do me, do me, do me. Yeah, yeah. I've got wood. I've got wood i've got wood yes uh cass you went for bucky the beaver i did that was charlie baby i'm inside your head i'm like you're you're clarice starling and i'm hannibal lecter i'm just mind games you're in there i've set up a little room for you i've said make yourself at. Stay as long as you like.

That's right. And Charlie went for- Staring, unblinking into the corner like a psychopath. Charlie, you went for a sentient chainsaw pulling spectators out of the crowd. That was Cass. You went for each other's. The reason I'm in your head is because my head's empty and it's actually on a new occupant and it's you. Once again, we parry, we thrust, we stand back and I just give you a little nod of acknowledgement. I doff of my hat to you and that means i think once again we parry we thrust we stand back and i just give you a little nod of acknowledgement i doff of my hat to you oh yes we're doffing and i'm standing over the side with my sword going guys it's a real sword come fly with me too

uh that means really it's probably the most disappointing of all of them in the end timber joey who slices off a bit of the victory log that's the real one so it's a really, it's probably the most disappointing of all of them in the end. Timber Joey, who slices off a bit of the victory log. That's the real one. So it's a real log? It's a real log. This huge log behind the goals. Every goal and every clean sheet will slice off a piece and the players get them and then they take them to a local furniture maker and they get them turned into things for their

house. That's really nice. The weird part of that, though, is when the guy chops the log, they've got a pre-recorded scream. Please! It doesn't hurt so much! I'm a living thing! It's really weird.

It is weird, but, yeah, there are some players that, you know, miss on purpose. They're like, miss on purpose. Save the tree. I'm an environmentalist. We're up to question number three. This one comes from Ondrejona from Rome in Italy. Fantastic.

Homosfermicelli. Ondrejona spelled out her name phonetically and cleverly because I would have definitely said Andreana, but that's quite different. Andriana from Rome in Italy. Your honor. And Andriana's question is, what is the more common name for the plant wild clematis? Wild clematis.

Wild clematis. Do you do clues and shit? Not necessarily. Yeah, what do you want to know? So is it a common usage thing that we would both recognise? No, no. I've never heard of it, so I don't think. It's just basically just think of a funny nickname for a plant, I guess.

That sounds like chlamydia. Yeah, well, I mean, you don't want to give away all your answers too early. Say it again. Wild chlamatis. Wild chlamatis. So that's the fun name, the silly one that we've given it? No, that's the- The scientific one.

That's the real name. Yeah, so we have to give it a funny nickname. I might have missed it. Wild chlamatis. Yeah. You could put it like old pink bill or something like that. Yeah, exactly. That's the first thing that came old pink bill or something like that. Yeah, exactly. That's the first thing that came to my mind.

It was terrible. Like, that's not the Latin name either, so there's probably an even more. Wild clematis. Wild clematis. But apparently- Did you say it's a plant? It's a plant, yeah. Okay.

And yeah, according to Andreana- You wouldn't call her like Willie C, would you? You could. That's not bad. You're burning too much gold. Don't worry. I'm very confident. I'm very confident that I will come up with something else.

All right. While you're writing your answers, I'll let the audience know a bit more about Timber Joey. According to Michael, Timber Joey is actually the second person to be the mascot. Timber Jim was the original lumberjack. Timber Joey is actually the second person to be the mascot. Timber Jim was the original Lumberjack, and he started his career with the team in the 70s and quickly became a beloved figure among fans for his energetic and entertaining antics during games.

One of his most famous stunts was scaling up into the rafters of the stadium, hundreds of feet in the air, revving his chainsaw, sometimes without safety ropes. This was the 70s after all. After Tim Jim, Timber Jim retired, Timber Joey took over as the new mascot in 2008. And like Timber Jim, Timber Joey is a lumberjack character who wanders the concourse revving his chainsaw.

He's famous for using that very same chainsaw to cut off a log slice after every goal scored by the Timbers or clean sheet held by the goalkeeper. Players will often go to a local craft person to get custom pieces of furniture made out of them. Both Timber Jim and Timber Joey have become iconic figures in Portland's soccer history, known for their dedication to the team and their passionate support of the Timbers. I'm guessing Michael's a big Timbers fan somehow. But I love that... You get that vibe? I love that he brought that to our attention.

I've never... Like, I know some of the teams. I know there's, like, New York City and Toronto Football Club, which I think is the team I go for. Oh, nice. I try and pick a team in most... In most games

most sports yeah team's expensive i would go to a game to be like oh let's see if we can get a good slice today yeah there's a new pair of couch and imagine imagine you're like yeah that'd be the you're either like a big goal scorer who's got heaps of pieces like i don't have any more room in my house and he starts giving them out to people in the crowd that'd be sick all right the answer for question number three one of these is the real common name for a plant wild clematis bonkers gronk old man's beard clammy palms witch's nipple or poisonous kevin witch's nipple you say witch's nipple witch's nipple hang on let's go go again bonkers gronk old man's beard clammy palms witch's nipple or poisonous kevin clammy palms feels too obvious i mean I know I'm going against my own sperm whale logic

because I'm like sperm, it's so obvious. But I feel like Matt would have put this in to throw us, because sperm whale, you wouldn't do it twice, right, if you were the quiz master. Matt, take your headphones off. We're in the private powwow. This is the part of Batman versus Superman where Batman realizes we can be friends and we team up.

We can figure this out together. Yeah. But do you agree, though? Like, he wouldn't put in two, like, clammy hands. It's too close to what the actual name is. Do you know what I mean? I don't know how much thought you think I put into this, but... Okay.

I just feel like it's too... Because that's the first one that leaps out at me being the right answer, but because of that, I'm suspicious of it. Okay. Suspicious of things that seem true. Well, just because, only because of the sperm whale thing. And you're thinking because it's palms, like a palm tree. Yeah.

Oh, no, I wasn't thinking that. No, what were you thinking made it obvious? Clammy, isn't it clammy hands? Yeah, clammy palms. Clamartis, clammy palms. I see what you're saying, yep. What part of the world is it from saying yep yeah i also connected that together now you're starting to make me think you don't actually know what you're doing

maybe i should stick with my original instinct um oh i i personally am leaving i'm personally leaning towards old man's beard because i'm thinking like, what do plants look like? Witch's nipple? I can't see that being real, although I want it very badly because I would love to, because, you know, sometimes you look at a thing, all nature repeats itself. So some flowers are quite yonic and some are nipply and some are phallic.

And I would love to have someone look at it and be like, it's like a nipple, but like she's a crone and she's magic, but it's not good. Well, you think like the Wicked Witch of the West, Green Witch, like a green, you know, that's... A gripple. Yeah, a gripple. A gripple.

I like Old Man's Beard. I love Witch's Nipple. Poisonous Kevin. I'm leaning away from Poisonous Kevin because it's too funny and I love witch's nipple. Poisonous Kevin. I'm leaning away from poisonous Kevin because it's too funny and I love it too much. It's on the nose. And gronka bonka, whatever that first one was. Bonka's gronk.

Bonka's gronk. Well, we saw how Matt reinterpreted smegma. So I think that could be a Matt. You know what? Are you betraying me? Like, are you now going back? Because I reckon you tried to throw me with the Kevin's too obvious because I just followed you off a cliff then.

I was like, yeah, you're right. And now I'm like, wait a minute. Maybe that's your suggestion. Maybe I've suggested a poisonous Kevin. Yeah, but you're trying to put me off that because you'll know that I'll then go for it. Oh, now I'm confused. Maybe I'm like, oh, I mean, I love witch's nipple,

but it couldn't be real, could it? Nah, there's no way. Imagine if plants looked like a witch's nipple. I mean, I'd like to imagine a witch's nipple, but ooh. You're doing some like Darren Brown mentalist trick on me, just trying to talk me into it. If I say nipple enough, maybe he'll be like, yeah, some plants look like nipples.

Beard, though, though beard i reckon i am gonna go old man's beard old man's beard look that in for cass clammy palms i said i'm thinking it is kevin now just because no but why would it be that no kevin is yours and it is, it's not bonker gronk. It's clammy, it's clammy, is it clammy? Now clammy palm seems too obvious. Oh. All right. I'm just going to lock in clammy palms.

I'm going to go with my instinct. You've gone all around the world there. That's a full circle. Yeah, I know. I just feel like, yeah. I don't know if Matt knows what he's doing. So I feel like. Yeah, you were trying to play 3D chess against the guy who's playing solitaire

with half a deck of cards missing. All right. Here's who wrote the answers. Bonkers Gronk, that was the house. As was Poisonous Kevin. Andre Honor in particular wrote Poisonous Kevin. Andrea Honor, in particular, wrote Poisonous Kevin. Bonkers grog was mine. And it was just fun to say, you know.

Witch's Nipple. That was Charlie. I love Witch's Nipple. Yeah, you didn't fall for it, though. I didn't fall for it. My powers are waning. But it was the one that grabbed your attention. And as soon as it was read out, you repeated it.

So there's definitely a connection here. Especially charlie went for clammy palms which was cass's you're like what do you think of clams i think i've got it right now well played well that was one that grabbed your attention oh doff doff and uh that means cass was correct it's old man's beard yeah fuck that was the obvious, but I thought it was too obvious. Damn it. It's tricky. What does it look like? Oh, good question.

Which is nipple, ironically. It's sort of, yeah, I guess it's because it's a bit, you know, fuzzy. Okay. Yeah, it's like a white and fluffy. It looks like a big dandelion, but if a dandelion got bigger but was still as soft as a small one. The beard is like the most generic nickname for something. Like if you're reading a shitty kid's book,

like I say that because I have a four-year-old and I'm reading kid's books all the time. If there was a knockoff story about an enchanted forest, there would be like, and this flower is the old man's beard. It's just like someone writer has put two seconds into that. Like, come on, dig a bit deeper. Come up with an original character. Maybe you've just found out that the writers are actually putting

a lot of research in and they're only coming up with actually, they're like, I can't be teaching kids things that aren't true. Sure, there's magic in this story, but every fact about the flora is going to be spot on. Sure, this elephant drives a car and lives in a house. But when he's making marshmallow root tea, I'm going to show the children that it's a root that grows and has a scent of, like, we're going to teach them about the real things in life.

Oh, man, the scores have tightened right up. Not for the house, who's still on zero points, but on an equal first place on three points, it's Cass and Charlie. Yay. Just living in each other's heads. Dauphin hats, living in heads. This could be like a rivalry that lasts like, you know, decades. Just constantly like you'll have a famous victory,

then I'll have a famous victory. Then you'll retire and you'll come back out to take me on one last time agassi versus sam pratt sort of beautiful yeah totally we're both gonna have like in the opposite hotels big galas for our own benefit to raise money and find out they're on the same night and yeah my fans hate your fans and we have to like come out and you know call for like calm in the streets because they're like taking each other on absolutely matt doesn't know which party to attend he's standing in the middle with his 1d chess and zero points and then you come to like visit me in my luxury apartment and when you walk in i've just like got my hands behind my back i'm

just staring out the wall and i say cassie you know i own this city. And I'll say, but who owns the workers? And it turns out that I've like unionised the budget. You own like every building and I like do the pay slips for the people. We're like, oh, I guess having power can look different to different people. That's right. I didn't realise you'd tie me up with red tape. I thought we were just going to do a quiz. Yeah, you're trying to tie me up with the buildings.

I'm like, I'm trying to get my men in there. And you're like, oh, actually, they owe me $5,000. I'm excited to see how this rivalry pans out. I reckon we'll, I think we'll end up making the economy a bit nicer. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I think we'll use our wealth for good. Wow. But then there eventually has to be a team up.

It's like Arnie and Sly were rivals for decades, you know. And then they were like you know what we need to like cash in while people still think we're relevant so let's do a bunch of movies together let's do the expendables yes oh i can't wait to see your expendables take fencing it's going to be quizzes fencing yeah a lot of doffing of caps mostly doffs all right we're up to question number four. This one comes from Anna Wang from Bristol. Ah, yeah.

Oh, that wasn't a clue. That was like, that's actually her name. Fan of Bristol? Oh, yeah. Okay. Wang. Anna's question is, what is unique about the Kishi train station in Wakayama Prefecture, Japan? What is unique about the Kishi train station in Wakayama Prefecture, Japan?

So there's a little train station there. It's like little, I don't know how big it is, it's a train station. And yeah, there's something about it that makes it stand out. While you're writing your answers, here's a little bit more info about the old man's beard. According to Andrea Honor, the plant is a 15 to 20 foot fine textured vine with clusters of small white flowers. It trails over fences and other shrubs, supporting itself by wrapping around other plants. It is used as a hallucinogen. wrapping around other plants.

It is used as a hallucinogen. The Native American tribe Iroquois use the extract of the stems as a wash to induce strange dreams. They also use an infusion of the roots to treat venereal disease sores. What a great combo. Get VD. Is the trivia about the station itself?

Yeah, something. Could be anything. About the station itself? Yeah, something. Could be anything. About the station. Yeah. While you're still writing. I mean, I almost just came up with the most ludicrous concept, but there's no way that Cass would think it was real. That's all I'm aiming to do now is trick Cass.

I've got to keep it in the realm of possibility. We've got to fool each other. Like saying that it's staffed entirely by cats. Like, you're not going to believe that. For Japan, maybe. Because sometimes you can have, you know, you could staff. Staffed by cats. Like, they might be the only people, like, because so much is automated.

So, you know, you could, like, self-service your stuff and then you might have. I'm saying staffed by cats. The cats work there. But if the only thing they need to do is like push a button, like, you know, just do that port. One of those ones with the port. You could employ a cat. Like if you had a train station where it's all. I'm sorry.

Have you ever met a cat? You can't get a cat to do shit. No, but like maybe that's what they do. They're just like wandering around. They've all got little like badges on their collars that say they work there. Ambassador. Yeah. They're like ambassadors, but like the entire station. It's a ceremonial title.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They get paid in the food that they would already have been fed. Right. So maybe you would have fallen for it. I would have considered it. While you're still writing your answer, let's go for a quick break. All right, we're back, and your answers are in. So here's question number four.

What is unique about the Kishi train station in Wakayama Prefecture, Japan? Dee Folly, a 20-year-old J-pop star, bought it to live in and renamed it Dee Follywood. The platforms are located in the main hall of an aquarium. Oh, that seems like something i've seen on instagram i feel like i've sent one of those get a real you never know you get a fed a real it's like some amazing place that doesn't look real yeah i've seen that based on all these answers it's on my list of places to visit whichever one of these is real um since 2007 the position of station master has been held by a cat no way a super mario themed used panty machine is on the platform or what or sorry say that last one again you just rushed past it what sorry? Sorry. You're going to need to... There's a...

It's home to a Super Mario themed used panty machine. Or finally, it's Pokemon themed and the station's motto is trains. Got to catch them all. I don't think it's the last one. They're all believable. They're absolutely all believable. Okay. Can we summation again?

Yep. So you've got the J-pop star bought it to live in, B-Hollywood. You've got the platforms. You can't buy Council Land. Surely you can't. It's like if it's a functioning train station, you can't.

Or is it abandoned? It doesn't say. It doesn't say. So I guess in that scenario, it must have been abandoned. Why a train station though? Why or is it abandoned or it doesn't say doesn't say so i guess in that scenario it must have been abandoned um since 2007 station though why what's the appeal like a chocolate factory i get like but imagine having your own personal train you know driving what to make how far are you going maybe maybe your friends brought the next station along oh yeah i guess that oh that'd be sweet it's where you hold up in a zombie movie

it's not what you buy if you're a k-pop stand but it works so well for them in the zombie movie yeah well doesn't it i don't know oh maybe they're getting ready maybe they're getting ready oh they know something weird that's true thank you yeah uh then you got the cat is the station master hang on what which i know charlie's already said is too ridiculous did i do you miss that one oh shit i missed that one. Oh, maybe that's what I was thinking of. I thought you didn't react to the one that was so close to what you said before. Well, I danced around cats. I didn't realize it was as simple as the cat could be the station master.

That's got to be it, right? When you didn't react, I'm like, oh, maybe that's the one you submitted, Ben. You know what? I actually took the idea of putting in a cat suggestion to try and throw you. Double bluff. See, the cat is a station master. I've already told you.

Very believable for me. Yeah, I think so too. Then you got Super Mario themed used panty machine or Pokemon themed station. I think it's going to be the cat. Because I think I've seen this story. That's why I think I went straight to cats. I think subconsciously I was seeing cats

and not the movie. Have you ever seen the movie Cats? No. I haven't seen it yet. I'd say yet. Probably won't see it, but... Oh, it's worth it. Yeah?

Oh, you've seen it? Yeah. Did you hate watch it or did you go on expecting to cry? I just really wanted the story about how that's the plot, right? All the cats try and die. Well, one of them is they have to pick one of them to die so they can join the great beyond or whatever it is. I can't remember what it's called.

Yeah, they have to pick all the cats are like, please let me die. Who's the most jellicle cat? Yeah go to cat heaven i assume but you don't i don't think there's ever a scene where a cat goes to cat heaven so you don't know if they're just vying to be dead it's really interesting um and i think it's it's so it's really strange how they've done it because they're obviously trying to make the best possible version of how the musical looks in real life but then you're watching so you you can see clearly that they've used mocap suits but then you're like they've given you boobs but no parts like nothing none of the none of the rude bits so it's like you're wearing a first suit but then you've given

it really really realistic fur it's very strange to watch no witch's nipples no witch's nipples and because all of the cats have like it's a mocap suit i think they've made the decision to all of the cats have human boobs but they're very clearly underneath something like they're not shaped like a normal human boob because they're clearly underneath the mocap suit or something yeah so they've got fur over a boob but the the fur doesn't coat the boob like fur would right i think for whatever reason that was the most disturbing part to me i'm like that's not how a boob works where does how does the skin function on this because the fur is all over their entire body of them right like if they're cats there should be six boobs there should be? Yes! If they're cats, there should be six boobs. There should be so many boobs!

Yeah. More boobs. That was my review of cats. Yeah. Not enough boobs. I actually, that trailer, I found myself so attracted to the lead cat lady, the white cat, that I was like, I can't see this film because I don't want to explore what this feeling is.

Who was that? Judi Dench or something? Not Judi Dench. The lead girl. The ballerina cat. The one, you know, the lead cat. The white cat from the trailer.

I'm googling lead cat from Cats. You know who I'm talking about. She's the lead girl. She's very cute. Not Taylor Swift. Is Taylor Swift in it? Oh, maybe not. Taylor Swift is in it. Is she? Oh, now I'm going to see it. I'd like to see a Taylor Swift cat. What does that cat look like?

Does she have whiskies? it looks exactly like taylor swift and they've and they've obviously given her the weird squished boob things um rebel wilson's there is it rebel no it's not rebel it's whoever she's an unknown she's the only girl in cats all i just remember is a dancer yeah yeah okay i found an article that says, why are the cats sexy in cats? Okay. And I've got a photo of her. Written by Charlie.

It's a link to my website. There you go. Something was awoken that day. Yeah. Did you want to lock in the cat one, Charlie? I'll lock in the cat. I'm pretty confident about that. What do you think, Cass? See, now that you've locked in the cat, I think the cat one mustlie's i'll lock in the cat i'm pretty confident about that what do you think cass

see now that you've locked in the cat i think the cat one must be right that should be well i mean you have nothing to lose and everything to gain by picking something else because the worst that could happen is we we draw level is that right matt no you're level now so now you've everything to lose. You've got to choose wisely. But do I want to fight you or do I want to go for what's right? Yeah, see if you go. Yeah, I think you just want to go for what's right. Play your own game. Just play your own game.

Don't go tagging. Tagging? Sorry, that's not a sexual term. That's in Aussie rules. There are certain players who their job, their entire purpose is to negate a star player. They're called taggers. So just say you're a really good midfielder who gets lots of the ball.

My coach would send me out to follow you around and block you and bump you and put you off your game so you can't get the ball as much. Kind of gone out of fashion a bit recently. Gone out of fashion recently. They call them coolers now. Coolers. Coolers. Do they?

Yeah. So my analogy is don't play the man, play the ball. Like, you just play your own natural game and then it's a shootout. Yeah, like your coach will say, are you going to be tagging Nick Dacos this week? No, we're trusting Jack Steele to play his own game. They can go head to head. Head to head.

Yeah. That sounds exactly like. We trust Cass to play her own game. All right, I'm going to go cats. You've inspired me with your story about the sexy cat. She's a really talented dancer. Like, you're probably just... She's very beautiful to watch.

Yeah, that's what I thought. But in the movie, she looks like a cat. And I'm like, no. Oh, barely. I'm going to keep my species separate for now. All right, here's the answers. We had the Pokemon train's got to catch them all. That was the house.

Again, you're very good at ruling my ones out very quickly, Charlie, which I appreciate. Super Mario themed used panty machine. That was Charlie. It's a good one. No, it wasn't. I had to ad-lib a connection to the station because that's all it said. An object, which is at the station.

Yeah. Well, there's something unusual about the station is it has a Super Mario themed used panty machine. Yes. If you said that, it has at the start. That would have helped me a lot because when I got to the end of the sentence, i started sweating which is at the station oh i didn't notice that you did a weird ad lib at the end i as how you assume you'd made up the cat one right and if it hadn't have been that i absolutely would have gone for the super mario vending machine i did feel believable yep uh the main hall of the aquarium that was cass Cass. Oh, that was good.

I would like to catch a train through fish. I would love to go to that station. Yeah, and the good thing about that one is you feel like you've seen it. That's why I said it reminded me of a reel, when you see a travel reel where someone's in an amazing location. I could see a train passing through an aquarium. If you find that really interesting, I want to go to a station in a fish tank.

I would love that. Does that not exist? I'm sure go to a station in a fish tank. Yeah. I would love that. Does that not exist? I'm sure it does somewhere, right? I hope it does. It's really exciting for my future. Yeah. I'd love to look forward to it.

Well, you could just go on one of those submersibles down at the bottom. Apparently, they go really well. Yeah. You can just do private hires all the time. It's basically like an aquarium train, you know? Yeah. I think they're pretty good value no tracks um d folly uh was a made-up j-pop star from me d folly was so stupid that was me and anna working together for the for the house i mean you were both correct since 2007

the position of station master has been held by a cat. Man, as you were doing that long story about cats, I'm like, oh, no. Oh, no, the game is falling apart. That's excellent. Your first instinct was correct. Yeah. Bang. That was great. So that means a point each.

Okay. Keeping the scores level. I doff my hat to you, madam. Oh, I doff my hat to you, sir. Three questions to go. My man. My man. My gentleman.

My man. All right. Question number five comes from a guy called Bon Clay from Ohio. Oh, fun. It's a great name and a great place. God's country, Ohio. Never been, but I can only imagine just the green fields of Ohio. This question, I don't know why, I just had this feeling.

This is Midwest Ohio, right? Yeah. Is it going to be green in Ohio? Is it going to be dry? Maybe it's dry, but I just picture people galloping through the hills. I think it's mountains. Because a mate of mine is from Ohio, and he says there's two lakes and a mountain which forms O-H-I-O.

Oh, I'm not kidding. I mean, that's what I want to see. I'm going to America in a couple of weeks and I want to go see some of those lakes with the mounds behind it. That's just like sick. And if there's a moose walking past, I just want to have one of those moments where... And then Northern Exposure moment.

Basically, I want to go visit the set of Northern Exposure. For some reason, Charlie, I thought you'd be very good at this next question. That's why I included it this week. But potentially, are either of you... I forget that other people play video games, so things that seem obscure to me might not be to you. But if you happen to know the answer to this, just play it cool until after the answer is revealed.

The question is, question number five. This is from Bon Clay. What is the name of the Australian Marine from the Halo series video game? So there's an Aussie character in that. Yeah, yeah. First name, last name. Great.

So you just got to come up with a i didn't know there were characters in halo i thought you played essentially as the gun yeah yeah um so yeah just an an aussie name who what is the name of the australian i don't play video games so i'm gonna need some you know i'm also generation x i'm an old man help an old help an old fella out i don't i don't know about this game i know it's like one of the biggest of all times can i ask you it is like an army so you just need to basically come up with a but is there like because it's going to influence my answer is the tone of the game like po-faced and serious where people would have because there's a master chief chief, right? But that's a military position in Canada.

Yeah, is that a reg? I would say that it is. It's probably as po-faced as the army is where you get pretty ridiculous nicknames, you know? Oh, it's just a nickname? It's not a nickname. Oh, okay. We got it.

No, it's not a nickname, but it's a unique name, I'd say that. Okay, but is it like Star Wars with Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, like made up, kind of almost normal but not? Or is it a real name, like John, Peter, Mark, Steven? Yeah, maybe. Yeah, an alternative question would be, what's an Australian Star Wars character's name? You could almost.

Okay. That's a good clue. Yeah, sort of, but not really. I don't know. Yeah. Bruce McShootin' Kill Laser. Yeah. Stop burning the gold, Charlie.

While you're writing your answers, here's some more info about the Kishi train station cats. According to the BBC, this story began in the late 90s with a young calico cat named Tama. The kitten lived near kishi station and wound would frequently hang out by the railway soaking up affection from commuters over the years tamar's sweet nature and photogenic features made her a popular feature for the commuters and adoring onlookers affectionately began referring to her as kishi's station master by the mid-2000s a

combination of low ridership and financial problems threatened to close down the rural rail line, and the line's 14 stations were finally unstaffed in 2006. But fortunately, it wasn't the end for the railway or the beloved feline's role in it. In 2006, the current president of the Wakayama Electric Railway, Mitsunobu kojima was asked by residents to revive the kishigawa line after the previous owner had announced it would be abolished said kako yamaki an executive for the company that owns the railway yamaki

explained our president has always been a dog person but when he met Tama That was it, he fell for her He fell for her in a big way as well Soon after adopting Tama Kojima ordered a customised Station Master's hat For his little cat And in January 2007 He officially named Tama The Station Master of Kishi Station

The first feline Station Master in Japan That is so sweet. It's very sweet. Very cute photos of it in its uniform. According to Anna, the question writer, one of her succession candidates, Santama, was sent to Okayama Station for training, but the Okayama PR rep refused to give it back,

saying, quote, I will not let go of this child. She will stay in Okayama. It's pretty full on. I wish someone would say that about me i will not let go of this child she will stay in brunswick i will not let go of this child cass oh charlie for the first time i think scott oh no cass is just in as well i thought i thought uh what you got your answer in first for the first time, I think, Scott. Oh, no. Cass is just in as well. I thought... What? You got your answer in first for the first time, I think, Charlie.

Oh, yeah. Is this a bit of a power play? I had to get a glass of water, so I thought I'd send it quick so I could run out while you were doing the explanation about the cat. Well, you missed a great tale. All right.

I'll listen to the pod. I'll catch up with it later. All right. Here's question number five. What is the name of the Australian Marine from the Halo series? Dustin Blaster. Chips Dubbo. Barry Bullknuckle Barnes.

Bruce Cobberton or Chloe Kloaka. Cobberton. Chloe Kloaka. It's not Chloe Kloaka. That is, if that's the house, again, once again. Charlie, your misogyny is showing. Women can be Marines too. Yeah, I get that they can be Marines.

They're just not going to have the name Cloaca. That's so... Oh, sorry, your problem was with her surname, not the fact that she was a woman. She was female, correct, yes. I'm an ally. Of people whose names are not Cloaca. Chloe Cloaca.

You could call her Clo-Clo for short. Clo-Clo. Clo-Clack. Clo-Clack. Clo-Clack. Clo-Clack. Okay, so the first one was like, there's some crackers in there. So I like the Dubbo one.

Was it Frankie Dubbo? Chips Dubbo. I mean, that's pretty good. That sounds like a 1970s, like Jack Thompson, Chips Dubbo. Yeah. The Dubbo chips Dubbo that's pretty good that's like a 1970s like Jack Thompson chips Dubbo yeah the man from Snowy River 3 what was the Cobberton one Bruce Cobberton what else is in there that's Barry Bullknuckle Barnes Chloe Cloaker Bullknuckle Barnes

he did hint that there was a nickname didn't he well I wasn't giving anything away yeah so he might have you might that there was a nickname, didn't he? Well, no, I wasn't giving anything away. Yeah. So he might have he might have bloody tripped up there. Barry Bullknuckle. I think Barry Bullknuckle and what's the other? There was another Barry, was there? Bruce Cobberton.

Bruce Cobberton, Barry Bullknuckle. It's interesting. They're all C's, D's and B's. Everyone's, everyone thinks Australian Marine. You can't in the first four letters, mate. Everyone thinks Australian Marine. You can't in the first four letters, mate. That was a blast. Why bother going through the rest of the alphabet, mate?

Got what we need up here. Blowflies. So bloody hot, mate. So Chips, Dustin, Dubs, Dubbo? Chips, Dubbo, Dustin Blaster, Barry Bullknuckle Barnes, Bruce Cobberton, Chloe Kloaka. Could also be porn star names. Yeah. uh chips chips dubbo dust that's a great one barry bull knuckle barnes bruce cobbett and chloe cloaca could also be porn star names yeah porn star star wars video game marines porn star wars porn star wars oh my god um well i'm thinking it's bull knuckle it's either bull

knuckle or it's bruce and what's a bull knuckle? What is a bullknuckle? That's a cut of meat, is it? I think so. I don't know. I remember when I was in Oktoberfest years ago, there were two options for food. It was either half a chicken or pork knuckle. That's good. The other two main food groups there.

I love going somewhere and the options are so limited. It feels like someone is telling you this, like, this is what you need. Yeah. One of these, either of these sort you right out. I think, yeah, I prefer it. Half a chicken or a pork knuckle. I'd be like, oh, I've been eating food wrong. Sorry.

I'll take the knuckle. I'll go knuckle. I haven't had a knuckle in a while. I've been low've been eating food wrong. Sorry. I'll take the knuckle. I'll go knuckle. I haven't had a knuckle in a while. I've been low in knuckles, actually. Sorry. So you're locking in knuckle, Charlie? I don't think I've ever had a knuckle. I'm just trying to think of where it is on the hoof because where do they –

I mean, a knuckle is a joint, right? Yeah. So is it the joint that connects the hoof to the leg, or is it higher than that? It must be higher because there's a little thumb thing, right, a little toe thing that they have back there, the dewclaw. According to recipe10eats.com, pork knuckles are not pig trotters. Despite the name, it's the meaty upper part of the pig's leg.

Oh, okay. Oh, does it still have the joint? Yeah, it's funny. I remember them differently. You know, there was a cut, and I remember them having, you know, the little bits of string tied around it. Maybe a bone through the middle. Right, okay.

No, I've never had one. I've had sheep's brains or lamb's brains. Oh, I had that recently. Lamb's fry? Is that or lamb's brains oh I had that recently lamb's fry is that what it's called lovely no that's the that's the liver I found that

I didn't like the texture right but I I mean admittedly I was like 19 on a date with a girl that I was trying to impress so I ordered the fanciest thing

what's the most exotic thing on the menu lamb's crumbly lamb's brains and then I was like there's nothing more impressive than gagging on your dinner on a first date yeah uh i would have thought you were really brave yeah

or a freak it could have gone either way yeah i mean it's a fairly intense move on a first date i'm gonna eat an animal's brain in front of you like what that? What is that bode for the relationship? I consume intelligence. Yeah. So, yeah, either of you feel like you want to lock someone in? Can I have them again? I'm getting them so confused with each other. Chips Rafferty. Chips Dubbo.

Chips Dubbo. Bruce Reid. Dustin Blaster. Dustin Blaster. Bruce Cobberton. Bruce Cobberton. Barry Bullknuckle. Barnes.

Or Clover Cloaca. I want to go Cobberton. That was the one that jumped out to me first. I'm goington. Bruce Cobberton. Barry Bullknuckle, Barnes or Chloe Kloaka. I want to go Cobberton. That was the one that jumped out to me first. I'm going to do Chip Stubbo. Chip Stubbo for Charlie. All right, here's who wrote the answers. Chloe Kloaka was the house. No.

Of course, you're kidding me. No way, who would ever pick that? I'm shocked. Matt. What a great opportunity to have a go at uh how uh i love how that was clearly your choice and then you tried to accuse me of being a misogynist like knowing full well that it was your dumb choice you tried to paint me in some terrible Oh, here we go. Charlie's coming in here. Laughing at the mere idea of a woman in the army.

That's not what I said, Matt. That's exactly what you said. No, it's not. What is this? Chloe Cloaca. I have no issue with the Cloaca part, but Chloe, a woman, really? In a video game, no less? And I bet she's using a gun.

Dust and Blasteraster That was Cass I didn't even realise until you said it That it sounds like dust blaster I didn't do a good job on that one Barry Bullknuckle Barnes That was Charlie and I enjoyed the work Charlie did Trying to put together That was good

I would have been truck You did not fall for my gambit Once again I doff my cap to you, my lady. Oh, I doffed right back. Bruce Cobberton. Cass went for that. That was the house. House was on the board.

Hey! Well done. Meaning Chips Dubbo is correct. Oh, my God. Oh, shit. That's so good. I love it a lot. Chips Dubbo.

It's great. Actually, that is the best of the lot of them. No offense, Cass. No. Chips Dubbo. As soon as I heard that, I'm like, that's a fucking good one. That's why I said it should be a 70s Australian movie star. Hairy chested, a bit tubby.

Still a sex symbol. Big mo. Yeah. Like the bit of tub where all the skin's real taut. And it glistens in the oil. Yeah. Yeah, wears a medallion. Yes.

You see him down at Cooling Gatter. Jogging on the beach. Budgie smugglers on cooling gatter shades cigarette beer in one hand yes chips dubbo yeah what a guy all right well that brings up the question is chips dubbo is it a famous australian actor good question let me see because sometimes i'll get like like a Josh Lawson or someone like that to do these. It's the guy who played the other Gravedigger. Yeah, I can imagine. He's like one of the most highly paid voiceover artists. All because I fucking refuse to give him the line.

He's like, I'm going to make my voice heard by millions. Millions. Well, you know what? It's good. I'm his origin story. Have you ever worked with Andrew McCage? No. Let's see. let's see that's because that's the actor was in the sullivans cop shop sons and daughters how the hell he was his

generation's charlie clausen he was born in 59 oh gee so chips dubbo is an old character oh he was he was in a couple episodes of blue healers imagine if he was the other grave man from snowy rock river neighbors oh he made it to all saints for 52 eps jesus christ alifax fp the secret life of us a lot of those were just were short stints but the longest one was 52 eps skyways andrew mccage with, sorry, Skyways. Andrew McCage with a K. Did 87 episodes of Skyways. How did he land this fucking plum job voice? I've never done a Halo.

I'd like to do Halo. Is it so M-C-K-A-G-E? M-C-K-A-I-G-E. I've never seen this guy in my life. He kind of looks like Ewan McGregor's older brother. Yeah. Oh, he does. I found him as well.

He looks familiar to me. I'm sure I've seen him on. I reckon I was watching Neighbours when he was on there. Fuck, he's done heaps. Good on him. Good on him. Jinx. So you think of a straight actor.

Once again, I doff my hat to you. We're doffing. We're doffing. It's nice to see someone doing well nice work If you can get it Would love the work myself But good on him Yeah fucking hell man

How do you get a voiceover job like this? Well if anyone's listening Get in touch I mean I hope someone's listening Is there anyone listening in the specific field? If you're a voice scout Who only listens to podcasts all day Just to hear the perfect voices Unobstructed by the look of a face Alright let's make sure quick If you're looking voice scout who only listens to podcasts all day just to hear the perfect voices, unobstructed by the look of a face.

All right. If you're looking for Chloe Cloaca. Let me find. I'll find a line of Chip Stubbo. Or a Barry Blumacle Barnes. I'll find a line and we'll each do a quick line read for any casting agents listening. So here's on the fandom page. This is the quote they've got.

Whoa, whoa, it's like a postcard. Dear Sarge, kicking ass in outer space. Wish you were here. Okay. Whoa, it's like a postcard. Kicking ass in outer space. Sarge, wish you were here. Yeah.

All right. Who wants to go first? I'll go first because I can read. Whoa, it's like a postcard. Dear Sarge, kicking ass in outer space. Wish you were here. Oh, that's nice. That's pretty good.

Okay. Are you going to go? Yeah, okay. Whoa. Whoa, it's like a postcard. Dearge kick an ass in outer space wish you were here good i played mine more girl more chloe cloaca yeah i'm more cloaca myself all right so i'm gonna maybe go a bit uh maybe rusty and Gladiator. All right. Whoa.

It's like a postcard. Dear Sarge, having fun in outer space with the line. Kicking ass. Whoa, it's like a postcard. Dear Sarge, kicking ass in outer space. Wish you were here. That's okay. Chills.

On my signal, unleash hell. All right, you got the okay. Chills. I'm not saying that. Unleash hell. Alright, you got the part. Get it. You were the only one off book as well. Well, that's why I made up lines. Having fun and out of space.

You took it in a different direction. He's such. Having fun and out of space. We wish you were here. Kisses. All right, here's question number six. Second to last question comes from Anita Matthews from Montana in the USA. Big sky country, I believe.

And Anita's question is, a hugag, I probably should have looked up how to pronounce this. A hoogag or a hugag, H-U-G--a-g is a fearsome creature or fearsome critter in american folklore describe one gotta describe it's like a a mystical creature it's a cryptic cryptid a cryptid did you say critter uh he said creature and critter i picked that up too but i think that's only because i think there is a sub-genre of cryptids in America called fearsome critters, I think. Which is a term I hadn't heard before. Yeah, it's a fearsome critter, but that just is this weird sub-American sub-genre of cryptids. What does it...

Because it came from a book called Fearsome Critters written in the early 1900s. Is there like... There's no clue in that one. Okay. So a fearsome critter could be a Sasquatch or a Loch Ness. Exactly, yeah. Okay, cool. Is that different?

Okay. Well, it could be any mythical animal. Yeah. So just give us like a sentence or two, either what it looks like and what it does or both. I don't know if you know this. When's this episode coming out, Matt? Monday week.

Okay. So I have just started a new mini-series over at typhop.com every Friday with Ben McClay from the Bunta Vista podcast where the month of October we're doing a spooky podcast called The Unexplained Explained where every week we pick a new bit of paranormal phenomena and and delve into it with an aussie theme so i've actually been doing quite a bit of work on cryptids in the last few weeks so you have come to me at a very opportune time so what yeah one of the big aussie ones the bunyip uh the yaoi which is our version of the Bigfoot. But Ben was telling me about there is a cryptid,

which is essentially it's just legs with eyes. People have taken photos with their trail cams and stuff where it's just like two – imagine chopsticks that are joined at the top. It's just two humanoid legs. That's awesome. And then there's eyes over the groin. It's just two humanoid legs.

That's awesome. And then there's eyes over the groin. So I'm thinking that the hug egg is going to be something quite fucking weird. Because I know mine goes, oh, like it's a big foot or it's something with wings or whatever. But I think hug egg, you've got to go fucking weird. Like, you know, it's a chicken with the head of a another chicken a slightly different breed of chicken on top of that oh double headed head on head that'd be pretty useful because you could like sort of like an inbuilt periscope. You go, what can you see from up there? Me?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I guess you'd already know. Okay. So what are we guessing? A critter from- Huggag. Critter. From where?

From America. Montana. Oh, the question comes from Montana, but the cryptid doesn't necessarily. Okay. So it's not like a wooded area or a desert area, because I think that might help with- No, it's just, it's from American folklore. Huggag.

And I can't believe you burnt that chopsticks with us. Oh, really? You could have just written that down word for word, and I think- No, because it's hard to write that down. It took me two sentences to explain. If I said it's a leg with eyes, it's a set of legs with eyes. Yeah, I think possibly Cass would have put a line through that pretty quick. Okay.

All right. Here we go. Cass, have you written yours yet? No, I have not. Okay. So score check after five rounds. The house is on the board, one point. That's so exciting.

Cass on four points, but out in front now on five points, it's Charlie Clawson. Yes. Killing it, smashing it. Concerned for its well-being. Yeah, now the table's turned and Charlie's going to start being like, hey, but your answer was great, Cass. That's the real prize is the ability to look down.

Hey, you're doing a great job. It's fine. We did a question like this a while ago and one of my fake ones was like a, it was almost the opposite of that. It was a head with just feet and hands coming out of it. Like no legs, no limbs. It was just head. I guess like, you know, like Humpty Dumpty, I no legs, no limbs. It was just head.

I guess like Humpty Dumpty, I guess. Just a head. Yeah. Humpty Dumpty has limbs. With legs and arms. Oh, okay. You're thinking of no torso. There is a – my daughter's obsessed with Humpty.

That's a good point. My daughter's obsessed with Humpty. She's four. She's obsessed with Humpty Dumpty. We've had such long conversations about who is Humpty Dumpty, why was he on the wall, why did he fall, why did they put him together, like all this kind of stuff. And we went to this mini golf place up near where I live

and in one of the mini golf fairways is a Humpty Dumpty wall with a Humpty Dumpty on the wall. Oh, yeah. But it's painted with the sexiest gams you've ever seen. Oh, my God. But the most shapely legs like and it's but it's androgynous it's a bit i was having i had a bit of a cat's moment sexy umpty dumpty going i don't know if it's i don't even know if that's a if it has a gender that humpty dumpty but it's

gams breathtaking okay the pins on that egg i'm poached. Yeah. You've scrambled my heart, Humpty. I'd like to have them my way, please. I'd like to have you over easy. Oh, all right. Because I'm sure I read someone, there was something going around online where people were like, hang on, it never says Humpty Dumpty is an egg in that thing. No, that's true. Yeah.

Well, I think it would be pretty upsetting for kids to learn that a man had fallen off the wall to the point where parts of him came off. Yeah. Ah, yes. They couldn't put him back together. So was it originally about just a guy? You know, if you listen to Tofop episode 348, do an entire episode i'm going to keep promoting my podcast is it literally 348 i can't remember i'll look it up for you that would be ridiculous give the exact number but um yeah we did a whole episode on hunty dumpty last year based on that story i just told you so if you do listen to the episode

just skip past the part where i talk about taking my daughter to play mini golf. You've already heard it. All right. The answers are in for question number six. A hugag or a hoogag is a fearsome creature in American folklore. Describe one. A humanoid candle. If it appears at the end of your bed at night and lights its own wick, you won't live to see the morning. A slug-like creature that lurks in the swamps of louisiana and

feeds on rodents and small pets yuck an animal that looks similar to a moose only with jointless legs and long dangling lips as they have no leg joints they can't down, meaning for rest they have to brace themselves against a tree. What? That doesn't make any sense. Hang on. It's got no limbs. No, it's got no leg joints. Oh, so it's stiff.

So it's just long, stiff legs. So it can't bend down. So to rest, it just has to lean up against a tree. You've got a five-foot-long long caterpillar like creature that is often sighted standing upright on its back four legs. Or a deep sea fish that washes up on land on the coast of Florida

each autumn and goes around eating from veggie patches with its teeth that are similar to those of a human. Oh my god. That's amazing. I want to vote for that one human teeth the human teeth that's what just makes it so unnerving human teeth in the hedgehog and that that's a very believable cryptid to have because it'd be people being like yeah i came out and people there was like bites out of my veggies but it was at fish height

there must be an explanation for this. Do you think maybe you got drunk and just went to the veggie garden and ate yourself? No, no, no. It was definitely a fish with human teeth. You'll notice I'm not as tall as a fish. I'm much bigger. You've still got spinach in your teeth.

No, well, that's a coincidence. I've been framed by that goddamn hugger. So you've got the humanoid candle, slug-like creature in the swamp, the moose with stiff legs. I love that. Moose with stiff legs. It's like a Gary Larson cartoon.

Or the fish with human teeth. Fuck, man. This is a good one. This is hard to pick. Because it's such a... As you've probably been finding out, it's such a bizarre world anyway, the world of cryptids. Yes.

Well, legs with eyes. The Wick one is hilarious, but I just, it doesn't really fit into what I think would be a cryptid, right? Right, yeah. Because it's not an animal. It sounds like humanoid, almost like a spirit or a specter or a spook. I'm definitely imagining the guy from... Fantastic Four.

No, Beauty and the Beast. Yeah, yeah. Right, yeah. Lumiere. Yeah, Lumiere. Is that cryptid French, Peshon? Yes. Well, one of them's from Louisiana,

which has a French connection to it. I'm a slug, I'm going to eat you. Make me some Creole. This is not the lesson. What does the slug do? It lurks in the swamps of Louisiana eating rodents and small pets.

And I imagine locals will be like this thing's great, it's eating rodents, but then the cost is it will also eat our pets. It's a bit of a take with one and give with the other or whatever. Pros and cons. We've eaten rodents, but then the cost is that we'll also eat our pets. Yeah. It's a bit of a take with one and give with the other or whatever. Pros and cons. That one sounds like it could be credible just because you think of like leeches.

There must be creatures we don't know about, those swampy, swampy. I feel like in the ocean as well, we're always getting confused about what we're looking at. I think swamp is murkier. Yeah. And then the fish as well. We're always getting confused about what we're looking at. As I think swamp is murkier. Yeah. And then the fish with teeth. Human teeth. I just love it. I mean, how's it happening?

How's it getting from the ocean to the veggie garden? The deep sea as well. Is it a Mexican walking fish with human teeth? Yeah. That's a good point. It doesn't say. Is it just flopping its way along? Like, it just seems like

it's got so many incongruities, this one. Like, it doesn't make any sense why the fish has human teeth and how the ocean relates to vegetable gardens. I mean, we came out of the ocean at one point.

Yeah, over millions of years. It wasn't like we just crawled out, ate a carrot, and went back in the water yeah but i think it's like meal prep like instead like we came out of the ocean and we just stayed there but this fish is like i'll just do it once a year i don't want to commit i'll just i'll do it a bit of maintenance vegetable eating they've already they've evolved to human teeth for the vegetables i gotta use them. I want to vote for it just because I love it.

Like, I want to hear more about the fish who eat seasonal vegetables once a year. Like, it doesn't seem worth it in an ocean filled with, like, organic matter that you can feed on. Like, coming onto land and eating a cow makes sense or something. Like, you know, but eating what is readily available in the ocean like seaweed under the water no you can't get a carrot but you can get veggies yeah but you can get meat as well sea cucumbers i think this is your suggestion because you're defending you seem to be a bit annoyed heaps of sense if you think about it like if you actually think about it it's the smartest one in the whole thing um i was like on the theme of weather came up with this is probably really hot as well like smart and hot that's what all i'm saying she or he or they so yeah really good at probably Probably cooking. Well, who wants to go first?

Yeah. I was going to go for the slug. I'm pro wet on this one. Okay. Locking in the slug, the Louisiana slug. I'm going to go in. He's flown under or they have flown under the radar, but the caterpillar who stands on their hind legs.

Because you know how Cassie nailed the old man's beard and i was like oh it's too simple i think this is the old man's beard love it it's too simple i like uh yeah i like these options uh i like the idea of the hug gags i think if slugs right then it's hagag you know i was saying who Slug. Huggag the slug. That's the noise it makes. All right, here's who wrote the answers. The humanoid candle, that was the house. Jeez, you're good at ruling out the ones I write, Charlie. I'll tell you.

I know you work better than you know yourself. Deep sea fish with human teeth. That was Anita, aka the house. Really good stuff. We sort of combined there a bit uh she gave the the fish human teeth i gave it i gave it the story it's it's such a bizarre detail it's like when you know when you watch a manga or something and they just it's like what the fuck is that like it's just a minor detail that'll adjust that you're like yeah i think uh i think i'd love to uh

co-write another another creature with you someday anita that was yeah that's some of my you really brought out the best in me that was beautiful i want to see i want to share a smile with a fish yeah i don't but i like this if that's actually happening i think that might be like charlie's uh fear of lots of circles, which I have a mild version of. The worst thing I have is that I think it might be similar to that, Charlie. So I don't know if I want to say it because you probably won't like hearing about it. Maybe I won't.

Tell me. It's all right. I'm not going to. I once saw a picture. And, you know, when you're scrolling, I don't want to see that, but someone had a – it was in their mouth, but their DNA or whatever made their teeth come out so that their whole top of their mouth had teeth. Oh, yeah, yeah.

So my father was a dentist. So growing up, we had a book of – I can't remember what it was called, but it was medical deformities, dental deformities, and it was just a catal catalog of all these insane deformities over the centuries that have been documented so i've probably seen that one yeah i my my father built dentistry offices so he had a subscription to all of the newest dental magazines that talked about the machinery and the procedures they were doing so i've seen a lot of high color so not historical ones but high high-color photographs

of all the new technology and teeth procedures done step by step. So I've also seen a lot of really weird teeth growing up. Yeah. This is making sense.

This is why we share a connection. Yeah, it's been so close. Yeah, if you see enough of weird teeth. We're not so different, you and I, Cassie. We're not so different. Duff in my hat.

Duff in my hat. Exposing a weird tooth You get it Yeah You're Lex Luthor To my Superman Or vice versa And that's possibly why

Cole Klawacker Cass went for the slug like creature Which Charlie wrote Oh so good And Charlie went for The five foot caterpillar Which Cass wrote Oh you wrote that

High five High five So the real one Maybe it's up there With the weirdest one That's the equivalent Of two wrestlers Like they bounce off the ropes

And they clothesline each other At the same time And then the rest Like counting to ten And it's the first person To stand up So that means the real one Is the moose

With jointless long legs And dangling lips What? Dangling lips? Yeah I forgot about that one. It's a real cursed animal. So it can't graze like a normal moose

because if it does, it will stand on its lip. Oh, my. Really. How does it live? I don't know. Well, I guess it doesn't really. How does it produce? Well, it washes up in the ocean once a year

and it crawls into a vegetable garden. All right, that's a point each. So going into the final round, the scores are house on one point, Cass on five points, but out in front on six points, it's Charlie Clawson. So good. So can Cass win or only draw level? Yeah, well, no, the final round is actually worth triple points, Charlie.

Holy shit. And this week I'm changing. So you could win. Well, I'm changing that rule this week because I did come back and win from a similar scenario a few weeks ago. So I'm making it the house can only still get normal points, but guests can get triple points. What if you have a really good answer, Matt? You should be rewarded for your troubles.

I don't think I'd feel comfortable jumping over the top of your head. I mean, it's been six duds and then one good one. That doesn't feel like that would be okay. So the final question here comes from Lars van Curveden from Utrecht in the Netherlands. Your listeners have the best names. So good, yes. I don't know what it is, but nearly every listener has a sick name.

Lars van Curveden. And I was a little bit nervous as you're an actor, you're in the business you're reading a lot of scripts i was nervous about picking a film that you might not have heard of so i hope your knowledge of dutch cinema isn't too good it's terrible okay fantastic so final question this week and this will be your longest answer charlie normally like three four sentences long it's a little uh plot synopsis. Okay. And the question is, what is the synopsis of the 2013 film Borgman? It's a Dutch film.

Dutch film. Borgman. 2013? 2013. So before we get into that, I should let people know that if they want to find out all about the history of Hunty Dumpty, Tofop episode 380, titled Hard Boiled. You weren't far off there. You said 348.

You can see the artwork there. Oh, my God. It's so good. It's a, no, you can't really see that. The Fosdyke original? It's a film noir-ish Hunty Dumpty, if he's a film noir character. You get, because you get individual artwork. I mentioned you host Two Guys, One Cup, which is an AFL podcast,

but your main podcast is 30-odd foot of pod tofop it was 30 odd foot of pod but we've been around we're dinosaurs we started podcasting for anyone else and we thought we had to put the word podcasting in the name of our show people wouldn't know what it was and so we changed it from 30 foot of pod to just tofop we're just we're just and uh yeah and you do faux pop faux pop as well we don't it's so confusing oh my god this year we've been through a giant rebrand everything is now sort of under the tofop banner apart from the two guys one cup is a footy pod and will does philosophy but every other show is just tofop so it's either will and i or will or i talking to people gotcha that That makes sense. Yeah.

I was on it, I don't know, maybe a couple of years ago. We talked about Limp Bizkit a lot from memory. Yeah, you did what? So Fofop is now Tofop with Friends, we just call it, or Tofop Plus. Love it. So that's what you're on. So if people want to go to tofop.com, they can find you've done a couple of episodes of Two Guys, One Cup, and you've done one episode, I believe, or maybe two episodes of Tofop andcom they can find you've done a couple episodes of two guys one cup and you've done one episode I believe

or maybe two episodes of Tofop and Friends so good it was so funny you brought up Limp Bizkit and I'd just been watching a lot of

Limp Bizkit clips for some reason and then we just started talking yeah it was a pretty deep dive on Limp Bizkit dum dum dum dum

it's just one of those dad days so while you're writing about borgman i want to tell the listeners more about the hugag all right according to cryptids.fandom the hugag is a fearsome critter recounted by the lumberjacks of north amer America during the 19th and early 20th century. Said to be a huge animal of the Lake States. Its range includes western Wisconsin, northern Minnesota, and a territory extending indefinitely northward in the Canadian wilds towards Hudson Bay. The Hoogag was first illustrated by the bestiary Fearsome Creatures of the by william t cox in 1910 seems like there i hadn't heard of this but there's like he he wrote a big book of um basically american cryptids but they call them fearsome creatures or fearsome critters uh to quote cox's description

in size the hoogag may be compared to the moose and in so far I was talking about wanting to say moose before oh yeah I didn't even connect it it's amazing how my brain works I'd love to say hoogag as well if possible very noticeable however are its jointless legs

which compel the animal to remain on its feet and its long upper lip which prevents it from grazing cursed if it tried that method of feeding it would simply tramp its upper lip into the dirt its head and neck are leathery and hairless it's strangely corrugated ears flop downward its four toed feet long bushy tail shaggy coat and general makeup give the beast an unmistakably prehistoric appearance. The Hoogag has a perfect mania for traveling and few hunters who have taken up its

trail ever came up with the beast or back to camp. Ever came up with the beast or got back to camp I guess. It is reported to keep going all day long, browsing on twigs, flopping its lip around trees and stripping bark as occasion offers. And at night, since it cannot lie down, it leans against a tree, bracing its hind legs and marking time with its front ones. Uh,

his, uh, goes on to talk about sightings. The most successful who gag hunters have adopted the practice of notching trees so that they are almost ready to fall and when the hougag leans up against one both the tree and the animal come down in its helpless condition it is then easily dispatched the last one killed so far as known was in turtle river northern Minnesota, where a young one weighing 1,800 pounds was found stuck in the mud. It was knocked in the head by Mike Flynn of Cass Lake. So, you know, that obviously almost definitely didn't happen.

This is taking me for a... I've written like four sentences and I haven't even started on the plot. I'm going into like a deep backstory on my lead character. How many sentences should we write? I think, yeah, probably four, five, six, three, four, five, six. So it's just the plot. Just a brief estimation of what happens in the film. And maybe you could either, usually, you know,

you don't have to do the climax of the film necessarily or whatever. Yeah. I like to sometimes finish mine with a question like you know something like will he find the solution or will he just see that the journey was worth yeah along the way yeah yeah yeah i also love of ragtag but I haven't Lars wrote the fake one so this one so none of my bullshits in there all right here is the is the final question triple points up for grabs so right fuck man anything could happen here the question is what is the synopsis of the 2013 Dutch film Borgman? Now more machine than man, Marnix grapples with what it means to be human. But he also has a deadline to make to create a new coded floor for the local community center that's going to host an important basketball tournament.

What the fuck is going on here? How many genres have been rolled into that? Someone had fun writing that. It's like an 80s movie. There's a bit of Bicentennial Man. There's a bit of Batman. And then, yeah, the classic 80s 80s movie. There's a bit of Bicentennial Man. There's a bit of Batman. And then, yeah, the classic 80s American teen movie. There's a big basketball tournament coming up.

We're going to save the rec center. That's option one. Option two. Henrik Borgman is a security guard who works at the Van Gogh Museum when he is diagnosed with terminal cancer. Still a virgin in his 30s, he pays a sex worker to sleep with him and falls in love with her, becoming embroiled in the seedy underbelly

of Amsterdam's red light district. He runs afoul of the sex worker's pimp and is forced into a dangerous game of cat and mouse. But with everything to gain and nothing to lose, Borgman will stop at nothing to save his love. That's option two. Really good wording in that. Option three.

Well, geez, having a crack at the wording of option one, I guess. There's only two you've heard so far. I just thought, like... Very defensive all of a sudden, Matt. Really beautiful sentences. Run afoul? Yeah, yeah, that's good stuff. Gorgeous.

Option three. After Camille Borgman, a hobo living in an underground den, is chased off by a priest armed with a shotgun, he seeks refuge with a well-to-do family living in a mansion in the woods. The mother of the family takes pity on Borgman and lets him sleep in the garden shed. But things take a turn when the gardener goes missing and Borgman applies for the job.

Who is Borgman? And what is the point of his elaborate gardening project? A dark yet comical psychological thriller by the Dutch David Lynch, Alex van Warmondam. That's got to be it, right? That's fucking awesome. What a great synopsis. Everything about that was thoroughly convincing. Option four.

Childhood friends Theo and Vincent decide to move in together, but Vincent's former roommate Paul won't give him his deposit back. Things escalate from there, with Vincent painting the entire house orange, hiring a mariachi band to follow Paul around all day, and paying a street musician to barricade herself in his old room. Theo starts to question whether Vincent is still the person that he used to know and more

importantly would want to share a flat with or finally It starts off terribly that one and then I'm like oh yeah I can sort of see that. It's like some indie drama. Yeah And final option, a newly widowed teacher spends her nights in the school library

instead of going back to her empty house. She finds comfort in an online forum for lonely people until her new e-friend, Borgman, sends a video of her falling off a chair in the library 24 hours before it actually happens. Oh, cool. I'd watch all these movies. Terrifying.

Yeah. Now, if we could get you... Can we get you attached to the four made-up ones here, Charlie? We'll attach you to them, and then we'll look for funding from there, because I'm ready to great-might all of these. Are we going to... Do you think you could play Borgman? I think I could play Borgman.

Are they all set in Holland, though? Am I having to be Dutch? No, I think we'll... There's an awful lot of Dutch people who live up my way. I don't know if it's in Australia. But we went camping with two of our friends who are Dutch last week with their daughter. And they were saying that Australia is quite well-known in Holland, like Australia the country, that there's always quirky stories about Australia in their paper.

Because I was like, what made you come to Australia? And they're like, oh, no, we know quite a bit about Australia. Like it's just in the public consciousness. Australia is this, I guess, like the land of Oz. Like it's this magical place where things can kill you and it's really far away and stuff. They have this real fascination. It's very common that you'll just be a little

what in the weird kind of style column in the newspaper that'll be a story from Australia. That's very sweet. They knew about Sons and Daughters, the TV show. I was like, how the fuck did you know about Sons and Daughters? Like, oh, yeah, we get all the Australian soaps in Holland. Sons and Daughters, we're the voice of Chips McTaggart. Andrew McCaig.

Andrew McCaig was the star. Well, you better let him. You go, do you guys know Andrew McCaig? Yeah. Ohig was the star. Well, you better let him. You go, do you guys know Andrew McCage? Yeah. Oh, he's the mayor of Amsterdam. You probably need a- He's now Moomba. Oh, he was the Moomba king.

Dutch Moomba. Yeah, Moomba might make a What in the Weird column. Yeah, totally. They made a guy pretending to be Greek. They made him the king of Moomba. It's the most racist comic character in history, They made him the King of Moomba. It's the most racist comic character in history, and they made him King of Moomba. Well, I think there might be more racist ones, but...

Oh, yeah. It is Australia, after all. All right. I'll probably need to give you some quick rundowns again. Love a recap. So we had the chemist who was designing plastic floors and became more robot than man. Nope.

We had Borgman, the security guard at the Van Gogh Museum, diagnosed with terminal cancer and then falls in love with a sex worker. We had Camille Borgman, a hobo who ended up living in the shed of a well-to-do family in the woods. Yeah. I could see that being like a Dogma-style film, one of those Dogma Manifesto, Lars von Trier.

Oh, no. You know, all those dramas that came out. Oh, right. Dogma Manifesto was in the late 90s and mid-2000s that they wanted to strip filmmaking down to its bare essence. And so it's like they would use only natural lighting. The actors would wear their own clothes. It was just about like the performance and the mood.

Lars von Trier, you know, Dance in the Dark, that's his kind of grounding as a filmmaker. So I could see that one about the hobo. It's got that kind of social commentary element, like parasite. You know, it feels very authentic to me. That's why when you read it out, it's like, oh, that's 100% convincing. Right. That's that one.

Or, Cassie, am I trying to talk you into that one? My God, rent's due. Rent's due in here. Get out of my head. The final two, we had the childhood friends. One wouldn't give back the bond. And so the other. If it's that one, I'm really disappointed. And so the other if it's that one I'm really disappointed

and I'm sorry if that's either of you and finally the Widowed Teacher who spends a lot of time in the library ends up getting the Borgman video from the future they're all so different and credible

apart from the human the person who falls into the world of robots or whatever it is cyborg that somehow is mostly plastic and has to put lining on a floor at the rec center or something I don't know what's going on in that movie

so it's the plastic robot beautiful sentence running about on that movie. So it was the plastic robot. Plastic robot. Beautiful sentence. Yeah, the security guard. Yeah. The hobo living in the shed, which is a psychological thriller.

Childhood friends in the share house or the widowed teacher. Spooky video. Spooky video. I think it's the hobo for me. That was the one that first looked out at me. I'm going to stick with that. You're going to stick with that?

Lock that in. All right. Oh. I reckon. That is a great thing to listen to. You're welcome. Someone doing that on their microphone. I think the one with the beautiful sentence in it.

I loved the beautiful sentence. Look that in the security guard. What was the most beautiful sentence? I could also see you writing that, Charlie. I'm not that clever. Was it embroiled in the seedy underbelly? What was the beautiful sentence? Yeah, running afoul.

Running afoul. Oh, he runs afoul of the sex worker's pimp. Running afoul is that impressive, is it? A foul? I've never heard a sentence that was that before. That's a new one for me. Okay, runs afoul. Running afoul of a sex worker's pimp.

Yeah, but it's my favorite album. It sounds really beautiful, like as a sentence. Beautiful full name for a girl. Yeah. It's a long name. What a middle name for it. Runsafowl of a pimp. So it'd be Runsfair.

Runsimp. Runsapimp. In Australia, it should be just Runza. Runza. Fowly. Here's who wrote the answers. Marnix Jansen, the chemist who designs plastic floors, becomes a robot.

That was written by Lars, aka The House. And he's actually Dutch, Charlie. So maybe that's a very believable Dutch film. Hang on, so first you try and paint me as a misogynist, now you try to paint me as some kind of racist bigot. It's not my fault. The issue is not about the author, it is about what they have written.

Lars also wrote the one about the share house with Theo and Vincent. Those are the two main ones you had a crack at, but that's okay. Maybe those are just really good Dutch plot lines. Yeah. Yeah. The one where Borgman sends a video from the future to the teacher, that was Cass Page.

That was a good one, Cass. Thank you. Actually, you should write that down. It's a good idea. Well, you're attached to it You're playing the A friend You'll be voicing the A friend I'll be the teacher

I'm really good at falling off of chairs Fantastic Why did you You know what's so good about it Is it's so simple Can I ask like Of all the things that Could have been sent to her

Why the falling off the chair? Like why not like you get hit by a bus or something more compelling? Because I want to. What I think is so intriguing about it is it's kind of whatever. Because I think that's the creepy thing. Like if you're like really lonely and you're just spending your days like trespassing somewhere that you're really not meant to be, it's scary if someone knows where you are.

But I'm like, like school's got security footage i guess someone could just that's a scary hacking story but if it's something mundane like oh i saw you read that book but she's reading a book every day it needs to be something that is mundane that no one else is going to know about and she might at first she'd be like oh i guess someone could have like deep faked this and then when it happens the next day and she falls off the chair that would be another moment where she's like holy shit yeah watching a video at like 10 p.m at night of like you falling off a chair being like oh that's weird maybe he's found security footage but he's my friend so like whatever yeah and then at 10 p.m the next day being like that was a weird video falling off a chair and being like oh god uh cass you went for the one with the

beautiful sentence about the security guard who ends up running afoul of the sex worker's pimp. That was written by Charlie Clawson. Really beautiful stuff. You've changed my life. And that means, Charlie, you were also correct. Camille Borgman, the hobo living in the shed,

is the correct answer. Wow, talk about finishing with a rush. You finished very strong. Yeah. And I'll tell everyone the scores. I know people will be sweating, thinking, oh, who's it going to be? There's been some movement in the numbers. Before we get to the final scores, Rotten Tomatoes, it's critically acclaimed, this film.

87% of critics give it a positive reading and 69% of the audience bunch of dum-dums that's it that's it that's there that's a ratio when it's too smart for the bloody dumb critics love it but the audience hates a quick bit of positive review and then a negative one a review from Chris Chris Nashawati says,

It's the hypnotic little thriller's disturbing twists that make it such a singular and singularly weird experience. Though Mark Feeney hated it writing for the Boston Globe, what Marina sees in Borgman is one of the countless implausibilities that make this film more annoying than disturbing. You're disturbing. That's me being the director yelling at the room yeah yeah all right final scores in third place nothing to be sneezed at on one point it's the house that's incredibly sneeze worthy that's probably the most sneeze or zero would be the most sneezy uh in second place on five points, it's Cass.

But doubling his score in that final round and finishing on 12 points, it's Charlie Clawson. Yay! Thank you. You played an excellent game. And so did you. And hats off, Matt. You know, you were there too.

You were playing the game as well. I was basically a spectator in the end, really. It was very neck and neck and it could have gone either way and i think i kind of i played a bit more aggressively than you in that i actively tried to mislead you you you were just much more sports woman like about it where you were you were just playing the game where i was like actively trying to give you a red herring and throw you off and stuff. And it worked. I got track. That's all part of the fun though, the red herring. This is the start of the rivalry though.

I think on the return match, I would like to see like, you know, maybe the tables will turn. Maybe we'll have a more conniving round. Yeah. We'll have to get a rematch going. Yeah, definitely down for a rematch. Absolutely. So, Cass, where can people find you before we go

um in a library after hours um 24 hours in the future um find me on sanspantradio.com i am on shut up a second being hot is hard and every now and then dnd is for nerds awesome do you want to hear me making up more stories on the fly. Yes, I do. And Charlie, where can people find you? People can find me at tofop.com. That's all my shows are housed there. You can also find me on what used to be Twitter. I don't know what it's called now, at CXClawson, or Charlie underscore Clawson on Instagram. That's where a lot of our video highlights get posted.

CXClawson. You're ahead of the game with getting the X in there. Oh, yeah. Well, yeah, me and Elon. Peas in a pod. Vibing harder than me and Cass I'll never have what you have And that's okay I'm just happy to be living in the same world as it

You know Listeners, hang around After credit scenes There'll be some stuff that was too hot For the main body of this episode Was there? I don't know, I can't remember We just chop out some stuff that was too hot for the main body of this episode. Was there? I don't know. I can't remember.

We just chop out some stuff that probably doesn't make sense in the middle and we put it out of context at the end. Some very controversial opinions on Russell Brand. Yeah, that's true. Big fan from what I can tell. Claire Hooper said that listening to the end bit was like having a fever dream.

That's a good review. Yeah, I liked it too. That's a full body experience. That's a good review. Yeah, I liked it too. That's a full body experience. That's not just the mind. Exactly. Thanks so much for listening, everyone. Please give us a five star review. Why not?

I've got a few lately and they all make me feel real nice. Let your friends know if you think they might enjoy it. And cheers for tuning in to Who Knew with Matt Stewart. Now that you know it, I've been Matt Stewart. Goodbye. Go it. Goodbye. I'm still saying chug them.

Sprog them. Smegma. Smegma. Smeg. Smeg. It's a beautiful word. Sprog. I haven't heard that in a while.

It's a good one. Sprogs come from smeg. They could come from. Oh, they could come from smeg, right? Sprogs come from smeg. Oh, wait. You know, they. Hang on. What is a sprog? They talk about there being seven different words in the Inuit language for ice.

Is that the same for Australian English? My favourite is spoof. Yeah. Big fan of spoof. Spoof, I don't know. I just get a bit grossed out by that. I'm a bit tryp, trypophobic, you know,

people who, you know, what trypophobia is. It's the fear of like holes and bubbles and stuff like that. It's when you fall down the Clawson hole. Yeah, exactly. And my daughter has started, um,

blowing bubbles in her milk and it fucking grosses me the fuck out. And that's what I think of when you say spoof. It's like bubbly sperm. It's just gross i think this episode's already a win because matt's learned about smegma yeah we've learned about chogma yeah well i still don't know what chogma is it's apparently some uh yeah advisory body i believe we're voting for them in a referendum or something i think chogom is a commonwealth heads of government meeting chogom which is a great name oh yes for a referendum or something? Chogum. I think Chogum is a Commonwealth Heads of Government meeting. Chogum, which is a great name.

Ah, yes. For a boy or girl. Meet little Chogum. This is good stuff. You've both nailed the brief here. Love a brief nailing. It's all about efficiency, eh? Don't. Love a brief nailing. It's all about efficiency, eh? Yeah, then you have to wipe the spermacelli off the wall.

Yeah, it's like you think you're saving time, but you're not really. You know, that time's going to go elsewhere. It's like meal prep. You're still spending the exact same amount of time cooking. It's just it's spread out in a different way. That's not true. I don't think that's true.

The whole point of meal prepping is you cook in bulk so you don't actually spend more time you don't spend the same amount of time oh well i'm cooking on a pan so it's if i'm cooking a kilo of meat it's going to take 10 times as long as if i'm just doing the one would it really? Like, think about it. I don't think it takes it. Like, if I had 500, so just say I'm making bolognese for one. Yeah. Or sperm and fatty, say. 500 grams. Yeah.

Or sperm and fatty for one. So 500 grams of beef. Yeah. If I get a kilo, is it going to take twice as long to cook? I guess it must, right? Because all the little granules have to cook the entire way around. I suppose if you've got a really big pan...

And you... Yeah, I don't know. It's the time taking, I guess, from the fridge saving that journey. Doing it all in one go. Yeah. There'd be little savings, maybe. A lot of steps on the way to and from the fridge. I don't think... Yeah, I guess so. You're chopping up some potatoes just so you're air frying some sweet potato chips as well so just so you do five of

those i don't think it takes you that much i think it'd be a negligible difference i don't think it's proportional to the number of meals like you make five meals it's five times as long i'll give you okay one and a half to two times you know what no i think you're convincing me because when i when i meal prep instead of chopping food i just put all of it in a food processor. Totally. But then I have to clean the food processor. Right. Well, you didn't bring counting into it.

Now that's a whole different story. Cleaning up. Well, that was all we were saying. You know, if you have a brief nailing, then you've still got the clean. Never mind. We're learning a lot today um i'm learning i don't save as much time as i think no sorry i'm saving more time than i think yeah no that's actually you're welcome thank you so much what am i going to do with all my extra time have you ever been to i went to a football game maybe not too recently but it was like a

an essendon i can't remember who they were playing but they had this whole thing going like australian rules football where every time essendon kicked a goal they donate eight meals to hungry children which means they had the capacity to donate like you know oh god it would be would have been hundreds of meals right and we were just imagining like all these kids like back like out in the outside on the streets with like this big table of meals and every time they kicked around i was like right 80 forward come on and they didn't play a great game which is fine like you know sports hard they're just scooping all the food off the table into a bin sorry kids and they didn't play a great game, which is fine. Like, you know, sports are hard. They're just scooping all the food off the table into a bin.

Sorry, kids. Matt, do you remember that Good Friday game the Saints played against North in like 2017? And Good Friday, traditionally, for every goal, they donate like $1,000 to the children's hospital. And we got to halftime and like two goals had been kicked for the entire game. I was so embarrassed.

That's the closest I've come to quitting the club after that, watching that. I was like, this is humiliating. Yeah, that was a real low point. And there's competition for it. There's so much money because they, you know, you can kick like what, 20 goals in a game? Is that like a decent

amount of goals? That's a pretty good game. That's a very good game. On average, I'd say 12. 12 a game. That's like 12 grand that they're like, hey, I'm willing to just automatically give kids 12 grand. It's like, sorry, only two. 2,000.

We're actually going to keep the rest. Bad luck, kid. Max King had a terrible night. Bad luck. Doesn't Max have enough pressure on him without having hungry kids in his head? An orphan child. Yeah.

All of a twist standing on the side. An orphan child. Yeah. Oliver Twist standing inside Please Mr. King, kick it for me. I'm so, I'm terribly angry. Alright, we're off to question number three. You can get that Victorian street urchin. It's always a good sign when the guests make themselves laugh i'm just visualizing i just can't get past the cats now i'm thinking like is they've got a dedicated train line just for cats like it's a little train and a little rails and so you go there with your luggage you put your luggage and then you put your cat in a little train like first class they have to wear little

hats oh beautiful and like it takes longer than a little train. Like first class, they have to wear little hats. Oh, beautiful. And like it takes longer than a normal train because you open the door and the cat's standing like, I don't know if I want to go out. Do I want to go in? Do I want, like the cats are pushing the buttons to get let out at every stop and they just sit there like, I don't know. You guys have cats?

I had a cat. Growing up, it fucking hated me. I've got six sisters, so all girls in my house, and the cat loved the girls. It fucking hated me. He was a real... We didn't even give him a name for 11 years. He was just a cat.

And then we called him Ian on his 11th birthday. Oh, that's fun. On his 11th birthday? Yeah. Yeah, when he was quite old, we decided we needed a name. We needed an Ian. New name to suit the new vibe. Ian. I like it.

You've got to the point where now you're overthinking it. Yeah. I've lost my mojo. Well, Cass did have a good round three. Yeah, she did. I'm intimidated. You're spooked by that because you were flying high early. Well, no, I'm sp my mojo. Well, Cass did have a good round three. Yeah, she did. I'm intimidated. You're spooked by that because you were flying high early. Well, no, I'm spooked by it.

It's going to swap over, right? I don't know. You're going to parry my block. Well, at some point, the house has got to step up. I'm trying, I'm out. I'm losing my confidence. It's like Rocky III. I'm scared, all right?

I'm scared. I need Clubber, not Clubber Lang. Who's the other one? I need Apollo Creed to come take me for a run on the beach so I can find the Eye of the Tiger. This feels like the perfect balance. Sometimes you get guests that don't give a fuck about the game at all. Right.

You're both being funny, but really trying to win. I think it's more fun to just, I like that the house is being completely excluded from this game at this point. Have any of us chosen the house once? No, the house is on nought. Okay, sorry. This is, yeah, not my best effort. I think you put in a lot of effort.

I'm excited to hear it. Okay, thank you. Oh, this is worse. Your pity is worse than your... It's not pity. You know they're not seeing you as an equal anymore. No. Hey, that was a really good effort.

You definitely could have beaten me. No, I'm having fun. I'm excited for the game to keep going. Well, those girls, those American, the conjoined twins, you know the ones, those two girls, they just got married recently. The conjoined, you know the lady I'm talking about? It's like one body but two heads on the one body? No.

They maybe have three arms or four arms. I can't remember. Anyway, conjoined sisters just recently got married. And I was listening to this podcast. They're discussing like, well, what's the scenario around, like has he married both of them? Is this a little bit like- Oh, right. they both married the same

person. Yeah, they're both married to this one guy because they're in the one body. And then it's like, well if he wants to get intimate with one of them, does the other one have to be like asleep? What's the ethics? I would think they just have to both be

It's a threesome. I imagine you just need all three to be up for it. Yeah. That's hard enough to convince one. Convince. Convince, Charlie. I'm eating brains, I'm doing everything. I'm running out of ideas.

I've ordered the fanciest thing on the menu. What else can I do? Lamb brains. What else can I do? Let's get the lamb brides. As women, our life stages come with unique risk factors. Like when our estrogen levels drop during menopause, causing the risk of heart disease to go up. Know your risks.