Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E12 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'Let's get ready to fumble'

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

A former boss with a chip on her shoulder.... a bridesmaid who left town immediately after the wedding.... a heavily pregnant woman overwhelmed with hormones... and an alarming frisson between two unexpected guests…. Welcome to Episode 12. Hold onto your hats, you’re in for quite a ride as Detective Lauren Kilby goes on a rampage to unearth all final suspects in this case. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Love. Marriage. Weddings. Memories. Everybody who goes to a wedding has a very different experience of it. You know, so many stories intertwined into one day. And there's things that happened that we had no idea about. I mean, clearly the shit happened. But then there was, you know, all sorts of shenanigans. Shenanigans. Fun. Naughty behaviour. Feces. shit happened but then there was you know all sorts of shenanigans shenanigans fun naughty behavior feces for me it's just actually tarnished a little bit of the other memories or great days

I've had in my life because you kind of if I'd we'd both gone through our wedding day and we didn't find out that someone's shouting on the floor we were just being like what a happy day really lovely and how many other great days have we had and great moments? But then when you actually dissect everything that went down on that night, there's just so much that goes on beneath the surface. And it makes me think like, what other things, if I had dissected other days in my life to that extent, like there's just a whole other level beneath the surface of everything I think I've experienced and this wedding goes to prove that. What happens when you start to peel back the layers

of a special day and you start to ask questions? What was that submarine doing there? What happened behind those cubicle doors? What really went on that day? Two traumatised victims, three brand new suspects and a witness statement that will shock you. This is episode 12 of Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. There are a few loose ends that we need to tie up. Like the whole investigation? Like the entire investigation of who shat on the floor at my wedding. That loose end needs to be tied up.

Just after we sent out the initial email to all wedding guests and staff demanding information and also telling people there would be a podcast. Hello wedding guests and staff. You all attended our wedding and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. As you know, a serious crime took place. Someone defecated, blah, blah, blah. As you know, a serious crime took place. Someone defecated, blah, blah, blah. If you have any information slash want to confess, please contact Detective Lauren Kilby at hushat on the floor at mywedding.com. Here is the very first response I got to that email. And bear in mind, this wasn't dodgy when I first received this email.

But after discovering a few things later on, we realised it could be potentially incriminating the subject line is I have information and then the email says that's like that's enticing you to read that email I have information then you immediately yeah it's dramatic it's it's it's impactful and then it says but is it anything to do with weddings or with shitting or flaws? Contact me to find out. So I said, I am ready. What information do you have? There may or may not be a reward.

Kind regards. She said, dear detective, I'm ready to talk. How do you want to do this? I observed many things. Very pregnant woman. Lots of trench coats. People with something to hide. It was the height of summer.

Nobody was wearing a trench coat. Not, I didn't see one trench coat. Do you know what? She's an extremely smart woman. If she were a criminal, she's the kind of person that would email to bait the person looking into the investigation and just see, she would have laid clever traps

to sort of ensnare the detective. If I am honest, it screams guilty to me. It's just weird. screams guilty i'm sorry dolly but it does suspect name dolly el miloglu relationship to brides karen's former boss role at the wedding general attendee potential motive personal or professional revenge. Is this intimidating being confronted by three fierce interrogators? No, not at all. Not at all. I've got nothing to, I mean, really, I mean,

I'm such an innocent in all of this. But there's no intimidation to be had. I'm just here to help the process. Well, this is a perfect segue to introduce you properly to detective lauren kilby sorry detective we have been speaking actually over emails it's an honor it's an honor and a privilege detective to help my dear friends here whose whose wedding was you know clearly kiboshed the joy of the wedding was clearly just compromised by this heinous act. So when you find the bastard that did it, you know,

I think you should get the lawyers out. May I refer to you as Dolly? You may, yes. So Dolly, let's be honest, that's not your actual name. Not her actual name. No, she demanded a fake identity. Most people would be like, right, just call me anonymous like this or something random like the entertainer.

But she instead proactively sent me these following messages. Check it out. So I've thought about it. My name is going to be Dolly Elmer Loglu. Dolly is going to be of Turkish heritage. I was named Dolly because my mother loved Dolly Parton. So Dolly is the CEO of a fine fabrics organisation that works with craftswomen in underdeveloped countries to produce distinct and unique fabrics for the design sector. Our company purpose is to make women financially independent all around the world, no matter what their education or status. And that was her description of her fake identity.

It's like when you work for the CIA, you're given fake identities along with your fake passport and you have to practice it over and over again. Maybe Dolly is who she wants to be. It sounds very over the top, very unnecessary. Not only has she come up with this elaborate fake identity, just listen to the way she has embodied this character, like she's thoroughly rehearsed it, and just how natural she is at lying.

You know, in my time, I've visited Turkey a lot, and I just fell in love with the textile industry and all the crafts, women in particular, being a huge advocate of women, women's rights and women having independent careers and maybe being able to look after themselves economically. I started a business where I tapped into the fantastic handicrafts of women in villages in Turkey. And I now manufacture incredible textiles for the Western world where 60% of the profit goes back to women in these villages. Can you just tell me, has there ever been a time

where Karen has tried to steal your job or try and, you know, get one up on you, try and climb the ladder too quickly? Any career-based bad things that she's done? Well, I would say there was a slight obsession with my clothing. And I think this may have been a ploy to take my job. In particular, there was one pair of trousers that, I mean, she just, I mean, she just wouldn't let up on these trousers. I mean, they were quite, you know, they were pretty, I think they were power trousers, you know, power women trousers. What's a power trousers?

Well, they were not. Like pinstripe? No, no, they were much more power trouser than that. I mean, you've got to remember, I am, you know, in an artsy kind of world. No, she's not in this artsy world. That's her character. She's just relentlessly tied to it. And they were more sort of hipster.

They were black, but they had an amazing sheen on them that made them look almost like pleather, one would say. I mean, they were pretty hot. And I mean, she really had quite decided that they were going to be her trousers. And I think that that might have been the, you know, that might have been a play on trying to just take my job. In my defence, I have no recollection of the trousers in question. I'm going to go and find pictures of the trousers. Was I wearing them? Karen, and remind you, you did borrow them once.

But anyway. And so how did you feel when you got an invitation to the wedding? How did you feel when you opened their invitation? Were you annoyed? No. I mean, I was just absolutely delighted. By then, she'd met Helen. So, I mean, there were definitely some upsides, I guess,

in attending the wedding. What was your favourite part of the wedding? I would have to say that I was a little bit more partial to the sun-drenched deck at the start with the jazz band. The turn in the weather I found quite inconvenient. Anything bad about the wedding that you remember? What was your worst part? I've got a few. What was yours? Well, where do we start?

If you've got anywhere you need to be, feel free to submit an 18-page essay to me about the worst parts of the wedding after. Whatever's easiest for you, you know? There's a lot to get through. There was a time where they were conveniently talking about a moment where there was a drop-off where you could, you know, possibly get off the boat. I thought that was very poorly announced at the time. And I only realised that the drop-off had happened when in fact the drop-off was actually a drop-off of a different kind. In fact, the drop-off was actually a drop-off of a different kind.

Can you imagine missing the 9.30 drop-off point because it was poorly announced and then having to stay trapped on a boat for five to six more hours? What do you think that does to a person? I just want to ask you, and I'm sorry if this is going to change the tone of this podcast interview it's been quite light-hearted um up until now okay there's one particular incident and it doesn't reflect very well on me again you know I'm hands up I'm just going to put my employment history you know the the good sides but mostly the bad sides on display for everyone to to know about now before your time in the fine fabrics and textile industry you were working on a on a production with me. And actually, you know, you being by far my superior, you were the,

you know, the brains behind the whole operation, you created the opportunity, you signed it off with the client. And then you hired me as you in your words, out of pure desperation to try and help execute and run some of the admin of this huge global campaign that was seen in every country around the world. And my one job whilst we finished this was to pull together a credits list of who was on, you know, who's responsible for this. And do you remember that I forgot to put someone's name on there? Well, yes. How can one forget when one was the boss lady, as one might call her on the whole production,

to be conveniently left off? Back to your point earlier, Detective, about someone trying to take my job. I mean, here's another example example here's yet another example so it sounds like Karen you leave a wake of um destruction in your path you you know you leave people feeling a bit miffed dismayed maybe angry well I do sense a bit of I mean let's just call a spade a spade here you know let's just be clear that in this investigation we have to really investigate the motives of anyone however innocent you might appear and i'm sensing a bit of resentment um that i wasn't aware of uh

previously oh no darling absolutely not don't be ridiculous i mean as i said you know we just pop you in your place and we just move forward. I mean, there's no need to expend any more energy than is absolutely necessary. It just feels like you're getting a little, you're changing your tune a little bit now. You feel like we're honing in on potentially framing you for this. No, no other more sinister way of dealing with problems.

No, I mean, honestly, I mean, you know, you could get her drunk and hope that she falls off her bike. No other more sinister way of dealing with problems? No. I mean, honestly, I mean, you know, you could get her drunk and hope that she falls off her bike. But, I mean, you know, other than that, I mean, it's not real. So, Dolly, what we're getting at is, you know, did you go to their wedding and shit on the floor? and shit on the floor. Anyone that knows me, Detective, would know that there is no way in hell that you would have me shitting anywhere other than a porcelain bowl. It's just not going to happen.

I mean, everybody knows what a princess I am. It's common knowledge. I mean, you would barely get me shitting in that boat full stop, let alone on the floor. I do sense quite a high level of intelligence coming from your side, Dolly. So I wouldn't say that you would be the one, you know, if I was to come up with theories, which I am because I'm the detective, I wouldn't say that you would be the one who would actually physically defecate, but I do think you could be, you know, in charge of the operation to get Karen back for all those times

she's tried to undermine you. Can I just, can we have a moment also also let's just dissect for a second the fake surname she gave herself because i feel like she might be giving us a little subliminal clue in there it's her full name she created for herself was dolly elma log lou oh god i've never got that. When did you realise that? Today. You're joking. Literally just realised that today. Oh my God.

Say it again. Say it again. Dolly Elmer Log Lou Log Lou Oh, clever.

I just realised the Lou as well. I didn't get that at all. Oh, I think they're actually maybe, so this might even go a bit deeper. There's an actress that's called Rebecca Alma Logloo who stars in the Australian show Neighbours. Oh yeah. So it could be that she copied her last name

but she subconsciously chose a name that had the word log and loo in it. Which is even more incriminating if it's subconsciously done. But this is what I'm saying. She's very smart. I didn't, it was, that went over all of our heads. That went over my head. But then now you said Miloglu, Log and Lou,

it now makes me think that she's just mocking us. That's the thing. As in when you've got a criminal that actually goes, not just to the point to get directly in contact, which is Larry as hell, right with the detective, but mocking the detective even. She better not be bloody mocking me. She's being Larry.

If she's mocking me. Proper Larry. Honestly? Yeah. There's fire in your eyes right now, Laurie. She's ripping the shit out of you. She better fucking not be. She is.

She is guilty. She did it. This is not even the worst thing for me because I didn't even know about, I didn't even realize the weird surname thing but having worked with her and knowing her very very well she's a really good friend of mine let's just like after this what you've just heard with that interview she sounded really nervous to me and I it was so out of character

I mean okay I think it's I think it's quite I think it's quite I think it's quite accurate I mean, I don't. Are you? Mm, OK. I think it's quite accurate. Mm, mm. Yes. But the nervousness thing is actually very critical because the way you have explained her in the lead-up to the interview was that she is so confident. I mean, she's come forward creating this whole fake identity

in order to feature on this podcast. What is she nervous about, you know? We did not force this onto her. She brought it all on herself. It's not like Henk where we called him up at 10am on a Sunday and we forced him to speak to us. It forced him out of bed to get onto the phone to us. She honestly wanted this.

And that is very bizarre that if she wanted it so badly that she's then nervous, what is she nervous about? She's a criminal mastermind. She could be a criminal mastermind. She's potentially done this kind of crime before. Also, she is so glamorous. She's the last person you'd ever expect to do something like this. Did we ask her whether she had not shat at any other weddings,

but whether there'd been poo or any other do's that she's been to? Well, I wonder if I should just call her up and just record her response to, out of the blue, just call her up one day and then just go, Dolly, is there anything you want to tell us? Honestly, Karen, I wouldn't because if she is the mastermind that we think she could be,

we need to go at this a completely different way. Okay, I'm Dolly. I have come to the wedding of my former person that I managed. And honestly, Karen, after having worked with you, half as your manager,

half you as my manager. Obviously, it was a constant fight to see who was actually in charge. You are an absolute pain in the ass to work with. Yeah, I'm pretty annoying. So she was your boss, your official boss. Annoying but indispensable is my kind of tagline.

Anyway, she comes to your wedding, 9pm hits, the champagne kicks in, and Dolly mentioned the quality of the conversation dropped significantly after that point. Bear in mind she had a plus one as well, who I think had a nap on the back bench. Yes, good point. So her plus one is well who I think had a nap on the back bench. Yes good point so her plus one is out of action she's unimpressed with the state of the company on the boat and as we found earlier she missed the announcement of the early drop-off point so she felt trapped on that boat with no

plus one no one to entertain her she had no other forms of entertainment she had to shit on the floor. She had no other forms of entertainment. She had to shit on the floor. Was the detective at the wedding? Detective Lauren Kilby was at the wedding, yes. I think I'm going to close on that. No, I'd rather you didn't. One more question.

You emailed me and you said, I have information. And when I read that subject line, I assumed the case had been cracked and I didn't need to do any further work so it was disappointing when I opened the email only to find you know these vague theories of yours um but then there was a very pregnant woman and I must say I have never been pregnant however I do believe that pregnancy does play with one's, you know, bladder and bowel function. Do you think also it plays with your personality and mind in such a way that you might do something out of character because you're pregnant? Oh, no.

Helen, I think that's an astute observation, and I do think that, you know, people have been known to go quite, you know, batshit crazy during pregnancy. overwhelming cocktail of hormones. Hello? How are you? Good. You've been on my mind. This is a bit of an ambush. Oh my God, is this about the proof? Don't you dare.

I'm so, I'm actually mortified to have to do this, Aka, because I think you're a lovely, lovely, wonderful woman. However, someone has quite literally put you in the frame, and I have to investigate it. My old boss, my former boss, was interviewed, and we said, who do you think could have done it? And I'm very, very sad to say say she didn't even know you very well but she said there was a very heavily pregnant woman on the boat and you know what can happen sometimes you know in terms of the bowels when pregnant all right

for the world to know there are different bowel movements when you're pregnant. However, my experience with when I'm pregnant is actually the opposite of letting things go. Interesting. Okay. I thought there was some sort of like, I was like, oh, how nice. Karen wants to hang out. And no, it's just about the poo. This is so disappointing in a way. Faker, did you or did you not shit on the floor at my wedding? Karen, I did not shit on the floor at your wedding.

Tell me about these trench coats that you saw around the wedding. Well, I mean, you just have to wonder, you know, why it is that, you know, partway through the wedding, someone would don a trench. I mean, in my view, that's the time to be removing clothing, not be putting clothing back on. Do you think that was due to being a bit cold? I don't want to speculate, but you know,

often people put jackets on when they're cold. Detective, I appreciate the comment. However, given the volume of alcohol and other substances consumed at that time, I'm not really sure anybody other than myself, given that I'm not really a drinker, I don't think anyone else was really feeling the cold other than me. I mean, I certainly, except for some surreptitious characters in coats. And so it just makes you wonder, doesn't it? It does. But what I wonder, because when I think of trench coats, I think of flashes. And I love a good trench coat wearer with maybe just some, you know, sandals or something. But that is what I associate with flashes and not necessarily people who go around defecating.

Why do you associate trench coats with faeces? Well, I think it's all people with something to hide, really. Whether it is one's genitalia, whether it is a surprise that one wants to give their husband, perhaps, you know, or their partner as they come home or whether it is one wants to have a private moment somewhere and relieve oneself in inappropriate spaces i don't remember seeing people in trench coats who was it in a trench coat are you sure it wasn't maybe a henry the eighth cape that's a good question helen i I do remember that Henry VIII cape. I don't, I just, no, for some reason the trench coat sort of stuck in my mind.

That Henry VIII cape was very open at the front as well, was it not? It was, but I think it was, it could conceal somebody squatting. It could conceal, you know, what was going on. That was my thought. Yeah, fair point. Very fair point. I only saw one person wearing a Henry VIII trench coat. A coat, rather. Cape.

The Henry VIII cape, for me, that was weird. Yeah, I mean, but we know Anna. Don't we? I mean... Weird, or do we? Suspect name, Anna Whitehouse.house relationship to brides sister of Karen roll at wedding maid of honor potential motive publicity why did you wear a Henry VIII cape to your sister's wedding with a dress code with smart casual with shoes fit for a boat

because um i was thinking how can i um let helen know i'm gonna meet her on the table at every point uh when she throws something at me and she said to me well I said you know like I need a trough to eat all my food from uh because I'm pretty hungry at the moment and Helen said you know I'll bring the trough but you have to dress as Henry VIII and I was like you know what my friend I will uh it cost me a bomb trying to find a royal Shakespeare Henry VIII smelt really bad the whole time casted it on the old easy jet, didn't I? That's love, Helen. It was a good outfit.

So the length of this cape thing, so one of the things that I thought was it was sort of, I don't know, mid-thigh length. And I think you could potentially, because it was so big and sort of covered you so fully, you know, you could have actually got it was so big and sort of covered you so fully, you know, you could have actually have got down on your haunches, you know,

pretended that you dropped your keys and you were just picking them up off the bathroom floor. And you could actually just curled one out real quick. Nobody would be any the wiser. They would have just stepped around you saying, that's just Anna picking up her keys, of course. And then you could have just got up and walked straight out again.

I mean, yeah, you mean like just peg my tent, peg my cape and sit on my haunches and curl one out. Yeah, that's kind of- I mean, absolutely possible. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you're right. You're right.

But absolutely didn't happen um are you jealous of Karen at all of Karen um just am I jealous of Karen what she's incredulous at this question as though it's a preposterous proposition things that she might do you think can I ask Anna on the day you're very used to as you say you know you're in the media you have a lot of attention on you you know the limelight is often on you on that day when we got married Karen and I you know the attention was on us and uh I just wonder how you dealt with that did you feel any way of like lashing lashing out or some sort of dirty protest maybe to demonstrate how upset you were that you were not the centre of attention that day? No, because I'd cornered that off with the Henry VIII outfit.

You might have thought all eyes were on you guys, but there are a few peepers this end too. Anna, did you or did you not shit on the floor at our wedding? I did not shit on the floor at your wedding, but I wish I had. Was there anyone suspicious or anything suspicious you remember at the wedding? I don't know.

There was somebody, I can't remember exact details, but I remember there was one person, very loud. I don't know if you can say very Irish. Irish. Very loud, very Irish. And I mean, we were best friends for about two days. I don't think I've seen her since. She hasn't accepted my Facebook request, which is awkward. But she just struck me as somebody who might have the kind of bombastic nature to pull off squatting on a wedding day and curling one out. And that's maybe unfair to her. I met her for two days. But yeah, she comes to mind and I don't know why.

But yeah, she comes to mind and I don't know why, but it was, I think there were a few things she did over the few days that I became close to her. She was always the first person to either pick up the mic, get on the dance floor. She was the one that took my Henry VIII robe off me and wore it. Suspect name, Kira. Relationship to brides. Old friend of Helen,

role at the wedding, party planner, manager, potential motive, attention. Um, you're here for a reason, so let's get straight to the point. Do you drink? I mean, I'm known to take the odd tipple now and again, yes. Did you drink on that day? So I didn't drink a lot, and I'll tell you why. I actually was starting a new job the next day, and I was getting on a flight to San Diego super early.

So I kind of reined it in and behaved myself, because I had like a 12-hour flight the next day. On a Sunday? Yeah, to start at a conference on the Monday in San Diego, my first day in my new job. So it stands out for me in my head. I remember kind of being a little bit sensible or more sensible than I would have been necessarily. Congratulations on the new job.

Oh, well, it's not a new job anymore, right? No. Yeah. But congratulations for back then. Thanks. What time did you get off the boat then, knowing that you had this extremely important job to go to? You had to rush to the airport, pack your things. What time did you leave the boat? I have no idea. I think it was probably one o'clock, something like that. So you were the second batch to get off? Yeah. So you didn't feel that, you know, having this quite serious job meant that you should get off the boat at 9.30 with the others?

I think when I was getting on, it was at the back of my mind, you know, you should be sensible and get off early. But then I think we were having such a great party and I was like, you know what, you can sleep on the flight. So I stayed on. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Did you make any announcements on the evening? Did you grab the mic and do anything, say

anything, make yourself known? No, I don't think so. Okay. That's interesting you say that. We've got a couple of key witnesses who witnessed an announcement that you made prior to the first drop-off point whereby you announced that everyone needed to get off at that point who was going to get off.

That would have probably been my key role as the contact person. So I was telling people to get off at 9.30 for the first drop? Yes. But you're not sure if it happened or not? Ugh, I would be, I wouldn't swear on a note, no. Do you have any alibis during that announcement time? Alibis. Like what time was the announcement?

Anyone that can corroborate a story. Well, you just said someone, you've always said I made the announcement, so you know more than I do. I've got an alibi that I was on a boat, on a canal. Yeah, a physical object doesn't count as an alibi, Keri. Okay.

So when did you learn about the incident that occurred that really just derailed the entire wedding? So oddly enough, I didn't know about it on the day. No one told me. I mean, yeah, I thought I was like head of facilities, you know, on the day, but this major event happens and no one tells me. You would expect that someone that's quite involved in the organisation and event planning, you know, direct contact with the event planner would be privy to that kind of information. Yeah. So when I found out about it, that was my exact reaction. And I was like, this is really weird that no one told me. And maybe it was because I was the sober

one that I might have investigated there and then and gotten to the bottom of it because to me a person a human being and I'm assuming we think it was a human that it wasn't some random animal that got on there but there's I can't let you know the details of the investigation Ciara okay but the fact that someone would lower their drawers and take a dump on a floor in a toilet is fucking disgusting people are animals people are animals the fact that it was you know obviously a very close friend or family member that did it it just appalls me and if someone had told me in that moment I would have been like okay lock the boat down um okay and it feels yeah I get it you're loyal you don't know that this happened I mean I get the picture you're painting for me I think as well the fact that I got on a flight the next day started a new

job like in the US and I didn't come back for about a month I think and then when I did come back I was back for a week and I was gone pretty much until like Christmas time. I think I missed out on a lot of the post-mortem stuff that happened right after. Well yeah you also fleed the scene of the crime. I mean if that's the way you want to describe it. I mean getting off a boat with 100 other people, possibly not fleeing. And flying to San Diego. I mean, the flight was booked way in advance of Poopgate. Did you book the flight before or after you received the invitation or the email? No. When did the invitations come out six months before okay so i booked the flight um definitely after um the invitations came out so can i just ask a clarifying question? I think what I'm hearing from you is that I took a dump at the wedding on the floor beside the toilet in a sober state.

I then got off the boat and fled to San Diego on a flight so that no one would know it was me that took the shit. Is that what you're trying to say? I mean I'm all for a good story but we need to really we need to get serious here. Maybe the lasagna like if someone had second helpings

maybe they had issues and they actually had irritable bowel and it just hit the deck. Can I just point out that, Lauren, you said that you had had second helpings on the day. You had second helpings of lasagna, so it's interesting that you just call that out. I had a second half serving. I'm not a fucking animal. But how big was the serving? It was half a serving.

I'm just going to go straight in here and I'm just going to ambush you with a question and I want you to look in my eyes and I don't want you to look away. Keira, did you or did you not shit on the floor at our wedding? Karen, I did not shit on the floor at your wedding. One thing I would like to just check is the KLM flight records. Just to double check, how long after she received the invitation did she book that flight. If it was immediate, it might become suspicious,

but honestly, I think we're reaching here. But I actually don't feel bad about it. And the reason I don't feel bad about it is because of what's coming up now. We have had a witness statement come through that is regarding the entertainer from episode eight, the man with the dirty shoe. He could have just literally dropped a canapé onto his shoe

and it left this kind of mark, but... But it could be faeces, is what you're saying. It's not necessarily just about the patch on the shoe anymore. It's actually more about who was wearing the shoe with the patch. He was at the wedding because he was hired to be one of the entertainers. The culprit had actually skidded in the last one that they had dropped. The culprit had actually skidded in the last one that they had just dropped. And turns out that he's actually looking to take some legal action against the entertainer.

Karen and Helen received several complaints from other members at the wedding about the entertainer. Because I was privy to a bit of information which I didn't really want to know, but it involves the person that I find the most suspicious. I've always said it, the entertainer. He had nothing to lose. He was on that boat. I love the way people are at a wedding with nothing to lose. I mean...

What is that about? Like, he... Yeah, I mean, we've given context about the entertainer, but what we haven't given, cos it's a little bit, shall we say, sensitive, is one report from a very good friend of mine whose identity we can't reveal. What should we call the person that has the statement? What about anonymous? Yeah. OK. A for anonymous. A for anonymous. What should we call the person that has the statement? What about anonymous?

Yeah. A. Okay. A for anonymous. A for anonymous. So A is about to speak and A is about to give their witness report. So we won't reveal too much because it's pretty exciting. It's pretty juicy. Witness name, A.

Relationship to brides. Friend. Witness statement topic, an incident with the entertainer. I arrived for the wedding of Karen and Helen with one of my best friends and the sun was shining and it was all very fabulous. And then after the ceremony, there was music, the champagne was flowing, sailing through Amsterdam with beautiful windmills and good friends. And it was all very idyllic. And I noticed, you know, one of the entertainers who was very attractive.

There are lots of attractive people. But I did notice one of the entertainers being sort of caught my eye as it were so i thought oh okay you know save that for later maybe and then it starts to get a little hazy obviously as the drinks started flowing and so after dinner i do remember the sort of sun setting taking lots of photographs it then gets a little hazy in terms of timings. I do remember speaking to this entertainer who, you know, I had clocked earlier in the day. And I'm not quite sure how it came about. I think there was a sort of group of us and there was sort of a bit of flirting. And there was sort of a bit of flirting.

And then over the next sort of few hours, it was a case of sort of a mixture of sort of drinking a bit downstairs, talking, chatting, and then going upstairs to dance a bit. I do remember intermittently sort of chatting to this entertainer flirting a bit i think we did have a bit of a dance you know there was definitely a kind of free song um between us uh and so you know i wasn't quite sure. He had a partner who lived outside of Amsterdam. So I was aware of that. And I was aware that he was flirting with quite a few people, you know. with um with quite a few people you know um and i think you know when the boat docked um to to sort of have let people off and i can't remember exactly what time it was um i think he was initially meant to get off then but he was having quite a good time uh

and so ended up staying on, which was great. I was getting on quite well with him. And I then do remember going downstairs with him and we went into the loo. Ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for the main event? Let's get ready to fumble! He's got a really fine ray of spit. I'm so sorry, everybody. The dog even cheats. You all ready for this?

Into the loo. Into the loo. There was definitely a kind of frisson between us. Let's get ready to rum handle! I should shout. You all ready for this? And we got up to a little bit of naughtiness. We kissed,

did something we probably shouldn't have and did something we probably shouldn't have. So yeah, what i'm interested in is um that the moment this is the big event the sort of nefarious deed when you scaled down those stairs do you have any um how soon after that drop-off point um do you think that would have been well i suppose it would would have been about midway through I feel I'm pretty sure it was only once I went into the loo with him I don't remember another time it was probably nearer the first drop off yeah yeah so you went into one cubicle I imagine yeah we were in a cubicle and i mean i don't think we were in there that long i i felt it was you know it was quite naughty and uh um it's brilliant a bit of a kiss a bit of a fumble

and um and that was it and then i'm pretty sure sure we went back up and did some more dancing. Did you see anyone as you lift the cubicle? No memory of it, because I feel I would have remembered if there were people out there, because I maybe would have said, oh, stay back or I don't know. Can I be so bold as to ask for a little bit more detail about what a fumble means oh yeah well we just sort of had a bit of a fiddle when you say we what do you mean both of us both both of like your hands and his hands were engaged in areas that were potentially um you know erogenous zones

the nether regions the nether regions the under the undercarriage yeah and i do remember him saying that he was like oh i've never i've never like been with a guy before so i was like oh okay well here you are let's get ready yeah but I mean it wasn't it wasn't a particularly um it wasn't that erotic or hugely sexual it was just as I said it was a bit of a just saying hi yeah just a little stroke yeah yeah cheeky stroke a cheeky stroke because I'm just wondering so do you think he could have left feeling a bit teased or that he wanted more after that um oh god I left wanting more. I feel I would have given it to him if he was. Okay, and then, so do you think maybe,

because it was his first encounter with a man, do you think there was any chance that he became freaked out about that? And acted out in a way? He didn't seem it. And actually, you know we i i my friend and i we left with him after the um you know when it sort of when the wedding finished um so i didn't get the impression he was freaked out yeah and there was the fumble didn't go anywhere it was is more around the uh there was nothing to engage his uh sphincter into action no okay i'm just checking because

you know you've got to ask that this this crime does go down that absolutely no i'm sorry for being so bold i just don't worry to know okay no penetration, just a mere stroking of the penis. Yeah. Great. Lauren, how would you describe his state at the time? Well, yeah, pretty drunk. I mean, yeah, as you said, we were all pretty wasted at this point. But was he like wasted as in staggering a little bit or was he was he kind

of in control still but i think so i think he was in control i mean um he was quite hammered i mean that definitely um but i think we were probably all on the same sort of level. I don't remember thinking, whoa, he's like out of control. Do you think he would be capable of committing the crime? And by the crime, I mean shitting on the floor in the ladies' bathroom. He could have. I mean, he was a bit of a strange guy, to be honest. I mean, you know, he could have. I mean, he was a bit of a strange guy, to be honest. I mean, you know, he he could have. I don't feel as if he I mean, I was I felt I was with him quite a bit, albeit on and off.

I mean, maybe that's just my selective memory, but. So you're his alibi is what you're saying. Well, I don't know. I mean mean i wasn't with him the whole time but um and after the uh the fumble with the entertainer um what were your interactions like with him after that for the for the rest of the evening uh when i got the a taxi with him afterwards i remember at that stage thinking oh he's a bit annoying and starting to grate a bit so i think after the after the fumble i think my opinion probably changed a bit. Have I not said from day one that the entertainer is dodgy as fuck?

He was a sex pest. He was basically trying it on with anybody who would entertain him. Yeah, and in front of as well, well, he first of all targeted the ladies, and to the point where I got so many people calling me up saying they... Afterwards. He tried afterwards, that he tried to actually kiss them. In front of, often,

when they had their boyfriends right next to them. So it became a real thing, where he was told to bog off away from these poor women. Are we allowed to talk about what he was doing to other people. I think so, yeah. In the podcast.

It's a good context. Oh, definitely, I'd love to. But I thought, because we held that back a little bit earlier. I feel more comfortable about it because it's in a separate episode in where he was on a sexual mission. He went down into the bathroom. Clearly he was sexually unfulfilled. First gay experience of his

life most likely so yeah he he it was he was unfulfilled and then a would have left the cubicle and he would have been left there so frustrated and then he would have come out maybe he is into scat he's a coprophiliac and he's like, right, I need, I've gone through women, got nowhere there, I had tried with a man, that didn't work so I'm now going to just release a juicy shit to just really get something

out of this evening sexually. That's what I think will happen. I don't know, I'm just quite astounded. I'm just watching you. Sorry, I just actually like curved

like I was rolling one out then. Sorry. I'm just shocked at how your mind works to be honest. I mean, have you listened to this? Yes, but it's not that weird. This man asked to stay on the boat,

asked Karen if he could stay on the boat after he was supposed to get off with the other entertainers. He must have decided he had nothing to lose. He tried the men, he tried the women, he was unsatisfied. He also had no friends on the boat, so it's not like he could just be like oh I'm getting nowhere with sex, why don't I just have some fun with some friends. He was odd.

Yeah he was odd. It fits. So it looks like he's looking at 10 years in jail. Who wants to call him and let him know? It's a really big lead. I think it actually, it makes sense. However ridiculous this investigation is,

this is like a sexual motive. I cannot believe that we are this far into the investigation, but we haven't yet considered sex as a potential motive or cause of this crime. In the 21-page report that Mike Berry wrote on this crime, he mentioned that we should consider coprophilia as a potential motive. Coprophilia is the condition of desire for sexual gratification and sexual arousal derived from the smell, taste or sight of faeces or from the act of defecation.

You could have somebody who gets their rocks off dealing with faeces. And this is not as rare as people think. It's quite a common thing amongst certain people. I've definitely got some questions. I don't know if I want to know the answers to those questions. And I haven't yet reached the coprophilia part of my detective course just yet. So we're going to have to get another expert on board, an expert in sex. Meet Morgan Penn, sexologist from New Zealand.

Hi, I'm Morgan Penn. I'm from the Trainee Sexologist podcast and I am a somatic sexologist, which means I have studied all about human sexuality. So that's behaviours, psychology, nervous systems, brain, neuroscience, lots of wild stuff. And so I feel like I'm very excited to help with your investigation. Is this your first time being called in to advise on a criminal investigation? Yes, it is. I feel a little bit out of my depth, but I'm into the weirdness of it. So we'll see how we go. There's no one that is in their depth in this.

I'm also, you've actually completed your training as a sexologist, so you've actually done what you said you would do. But as a detective, I'm supposed to be doing my course in becoming a private investigator, and I haven't got past Module 1A. So, so far I've learnt how to manage the detective notebook. So in terms of being out of your depth, I think you're actually in a much better position than I am. Okay, that makes me feel much better. Thank you. And when she talks about what she's learned about the detective notebook, the only thing she's learned is that you know how you usually open a book normally.

Well, the only thing she's learned is that you have to flip. It's the art of the flip. Yeah, to flip the page rather than open a book. It's called the art of the flip, Karen. Yeah. But that's not important. That's not what we're here to talk about, my skills. More about your skills, actually, today.

There could be a sexual element to somebody leaving a poop on the floor. With this entertainer suspect, it sounds like if he didn't get to the point of ejaculation or orgasm, he may have been feeling some shame around that. around that and if he was still barred up and wanting a release he may have got needed to go to a go-to in his mind that definitely helped with something or he was feeling deep shame and whatever's sitting in his psyche about sexual shame which could be if he is into this realm, which, you know, the clinical term for it is coprophilia, when people are sexually aroused by fecal matter, then that just may have been his go-to. So are you saying that, so would that be an intentional thing or would that be accidental, like he's not achieved sexual pleasure and the kind of opposite or the kind of body's reaction to that is shitting on the floor or are you saying

it's like a mental reaction to say oh I'm angry therefore I'm going to shit? I don't think there would have been any anger in it if there's a if there's a sexual side to this and it would have been a very deliberate act because the sexual arousal that comes from um coprophilia the fecal fetish is it's you know they like the smell the taste the feel of it coming out of the body um or it can actually be just simply like seeing seeing it so he's exhausted all of his options he goes into the cubicle expects one last hurrah doesn't happen and then he turns to his most trusted form of sexual desire which is coprophilia and he gets the pleasure that he needs potentially so let's delve into this a bit because we clearly um i mean it's

i had to practice saying the word coprophilia to get it right and we clearly don't know very much about it could you just uh what's your experience dealing with um poop fetishes and could you sort of give us a little insight into the psyche of people who are coprophiliacs? Yeah, sure. So it actually is more common in men. So that's a thing that aligns here. And yeah, it's just, it is, there isn't actually a whole lot of psychology around it. I mean, it usually, like most core erotic themes,

is it starts in childhood. So, you know, as children, we go to touch the area of our body and our parents push it away. Oh, yuck. No, yuck. That's disgusting. And so straight away it becomes a taboo area. And I guess people in this world, you know, they get sick of like vanilla things and then they start getting turned on by the taboo if they're not connecting and a bit disassociated and you know hearing that multiple people at your wedding called this person a sex pest to me kind of shows that he's a bit leaky and maybe no clear boundaries and potentially would go down a route of being quite turned on by something like this. It's also interesting to note as well, I think,

is that research shows that when people are aroused, their disgust reflex basically shuts down. So things that would normally be gross when you're fully aroused are not as gross, which actually comes back from a real like primate kind of days because, you know, we used to be really stinky and dirty and gross. And if we actually were so disgusted by that, we would have never procreated. So yeah, lots of people think that there's like a mental illness, you know, to be aroused by scat, but it's actually just, it's no weirder than any other sort of fetish that exists. And I guess, yeah, if someone's into it, it's actually just it's no weirder than any other sort of fetish that exists and I guess

yeah if someone's into it it's their business but if they're actually leaving poos on the floor at wedding then it is other people's business and actually so that one option it sounds like I didn't know about that disgust thing that's really interesting so one so maybe it's intentional and he likes defecating on the floor at people's weddings or just any floors. Or the other option is he's so aroused and then he accidentally shits and he doesn't find it disgusting because he's aroused and therefore he just says, oh, there's just a shit on the floor, no need to deal with that, and walks off.

Yes. I mean, potentially. I mean, you're the detective, that could definitely be it. Yes, that is it. You're the almost detective. Morgan, do you think that, could you tell me how much of the, like what percentage of people have coprophilia tendencies? Oh God, I'm sorry, I actually don't know that statistic. Don't worry, it doesn't exist. I've tried to find it. I was hoping you could tell me that one out of 100 people have experienced that, and therefore I could say that at least one person at the wedding has experienced that.

I would say that that would be kind of the statistics. I think so too, yeah. Let's just claim the statistics now. I think it's 1%. Well, clearly now from our wedding, well, we've found out. It's at least 1%. If you need to document that for further kind of discussions about coprophilia, Morgan, I'll pass on that statistic to you.

That's 1% of the world has a coprophilia tendency. You will just have to credit Detective Lauren Kilby. She gets very funny if she doesn't get credits for things from her work. Got it. From my stringent work but i would always imagine this thing would kind of be something that's quite private um so the fact that this turd was found outside a cubicle is there another element to this which is the thrill of doing something in public yes i think you could be to something there because you're right the fecal

play normally happens in partnership as well you know have you heard of the Cleveland steamer where they will poop on top of another person on the chest it does seem to be quite private but with one person one or two people so I think the fact that yes it was left there for other people to find it is like the thrill of some kind of being caught out but also they're not actually there to be caught out but because it's their poop it's like a detachment or like a link sorry it's still like a link of being being caught out there is definitely something quite interesting about that because even if you did that you would know you'd pick it up and you'd put it in the toilet if you didn't want someone to see it um i also just want to know so um detective here is being quite intense with the sentencing so if

we do catch um who who did this um she uh we found out that a this is a crime we've had a criminal lawyer um on the case and we've got grounds to um put this down in the criminal courts um and detective wants to sentence the perpetrator to a period of 10 years in jail um do what would your advice be about sentencing do you think um it might be a little harsh if this is, you know, a vulnerable man trying to explore innocently, you know, his full sexual potential? I do think that's a little harsh, yes. I think it depends though, if he is a serial perpetrator, then potentially does need to be, you know, hauled over those hot coals to learn the lesson because it isn't fair that other people are cleaning up the mess, so to speak.

But also, yes, I think we all need to have compassion for this weird journey of being a human and what we find attractive and what turns us on. I think I would be fine with that if he would strangely give me the money back for the drinks, the free drinks he had all evening and actually had cleaned up his poo. I wouldn't have minded being like, you know, fill your boots, go and shit on the floor at our wedding and explore that. I don't want to hold you back from that. But just clean it up. You know, it is a wedding. Not the right time.

I think the best thing, the only thing he can do now, which would actually offer a bit of resolution, would be to potentially find out a way to press play on the podcast like 300,000 times. So it appears like we're extremely... So if he could help us get famous. Those click forms in India where you pay... If he could set that up,

we would accept the apology. I would. We'll forgive him in exchange for fame, which he will create through his own hours of labour. Yeah. Perfect. So Karen thinks that it was the entertainer. Yeah. Helen, who do you think committed the crime?

Do I have to say anything? Yes, you have to answer. I mean... Who do you think it was, genuinely, in your heart of hearts? I still can't believe it's happened, to be honest. Get over it, it's happened. Yeah, get over it. I have to pick someone. I can't. Let's start to be honest get over it it's happened I have to pick someone I can't let's start with Henk

what do you think no never Henk Henk was a hero here we go Jesus why do I even do that I'm sorry you know

Keira definitely not you know I mean yeah I mean these are conversations that we usually have from private

not like while people are listening this is I feel like trapped I feel like... No one cares. We're doing a podcast about her. It was Dolly!

It was Dolly! I have never in my life seen her nervous because of what she does for her job. Very high-powered. OK. Right. And Tristan. But really, I mean, you shouldn't be asking us

because we're your clients, so can you just answer the question who you think did it? Yeah, who do you think it is? Okay. Who do you think it is? Guys, you think it's the entertainer. The entertainer, for sure. I don't know if you've actually watched any criminal investigations unfold in the movies or anything,

but the detective doesn't reveal who they think did it until they're ready to arrest someone. until they're ready to arrest someone. If you could give the perpetrator a message, assuming, you know, this was from a coprophiliac, what would that message be? Look, there is no shame in any kind of fetish. And if you could come clean about this, then potentially you're opening up to more of yourself and your true self.

And it might be a really healing place to share with the world and maybe find other people that are into same acts. And the world could be a better place. You know what? I think there's nothing as filthy and disgusting as the human being. And I think we don't know what goes on inside people's minds and behind closed doors when people can't see what they're doing.

Humans are taking shits at weddings on bathroom floors and thinking that that's normal and walking away and walking out the door. Are you also the victim of a non-crime crime? Did you reach out to the police and they just didn't take you seriously? Did they say, you don't have a case, go away? Well, don't go away, come to us, because we might be able to help.

We currently have capacity to take on one other very high-profile case. So if you have a shocking yet humorous non-crime crime you need to get to the bottom of, send us a DM via our Instagram page at who shat on the floor at my wedding, and we'll see what we can do to crack the case. Coming up in the finale of who shat on the floor at my wedding. Will we get into massive trouble? Did they tell anyone? You have to go on your gut.

Oh my God. Was it you?