Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E2 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'Three nuggets'

Episode Date: November 30, 2020

The team puts the USB ‘Police Edition’ polygraph test v2.0 through its paces and hook up bridesmaid / key witness, Emma, to obtain information. The test results give the trio something more than they bargained for as the investigation takes a surprising turn.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Welcome to Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding, episode number two. I'm Karen Whitehouse. This is Helen McLaughlin. And I'm Detective Lauren Kilby. We're here because an actual human being shat on the floor at Helen and Karen's wedding. And we need to find out who. What have we got here, Detective? who? What have we got here, detective?

Alright, so we have got a device that we will be using to extract the truth from our victims. You mean a lie detector test? It's a lie detector test. It's a polygraph, as we call it in the industry. It's actually called the

USB Polygraph Police Edition Real Lie Detector. Very high-end product. I did quite a lot of research, and this was the only option that was actually in our budget range. Right. And also, this exact real lie detector was featured in a movie with Jennifer Lopez. So it's the real deal.

Yeah. And luckily, it arrived just in time, because today we have got our very first interrogation planned. We need to double check that the lie detector test works. And then we're going to be bringing in a very suspicious person for questioning. The person who claims to have discovered the faecal matter. But first, can you tell us a little bit more about this truth extraction device? Was it well reviewed? How did you select this one actually?

Didn't you say it was two and a half stars out of five? So I mean, this is nothing but the best, clearly. Yeah, it's got mixed reviews from the website I ordered it from. Perfect. So I think the first review I'm just scrolling through, as Helen said, it's two and a half stars out of five overalls. Not every customer is a happy customer. Well, no, when you're exposed for lying, it's not always that nice, is it?

The first question I see here is, will this tell me if my wife is lying to me when she says she doesn't take money out of my wallet and blames it on the kids? Is it a review? No, it's a question from the review and the answer is yes you would ask do you or have you been taking money and blamed it on the kids doesn't really i mean it doesn't really get to the point of if it's reliable she sounds like quite a role model so the issue is that you she needs to agree to being strapped into this thing first. You've got to basically

get naked, strap this thing around your bust, you've got to attach your fingers to multiple things. They're called skin galvanisation wraps. There's breathing apparatus, there's a pulse oximeter. You've got to agree to be hooked up. How would you do that? I think you'd have a casual,

it would be like a Sunday night like darling would you like some red wine and just you know have a little chat and then just ease her into it on and then like ease her into it are you stealing money out of my wallet and blaming on the kids I mean how the hell are you going to get to that question and it's tough because it's clearly a house uh you know with questionable morals moving on to the next review it's quite uh to the point it just says, it's not worth buying. This is fake. I think we should just move on from that, don't you? Yeah.

We will be the judge of whether or not it's fake. I heard that it's 80 to 99% accuracy. Yeah. I'm okay with those numbers. That's close enough. Ask the question, what, 10 times and one of them will be right. Wait. Hang on a minute.

Wait. Oh, God. Okay. Anyway, moving on. Do you know what? I think we need to just, let's get this show on the road. Let's see if it works. I'm going to volunteer to do this. Let's strap you up. Yeah. Anyway, moving on. Do you know what? I think we need to just get this show on the road. Let's see if it works. I'm going to volunteer to do this.

Let's strap you up. Yeah, let's do it. Have you got your skin galvanisation wraps on? Yep. Breathing apparatus? Yes, Your Honour. Pulse oximeter? Not guilty.

Yeah. So I've opened up the polygraph window and I have clicked on exam wizard. And I believe that will guide me through the interrogation. Okay. Let's just do something. Oh, so wonderful to see a detective really in the flow of, you know, their profession. You look like you've done this so many times before. It's brand new out of the box, so she definitely hasn't.

Look, this is the first time. Subject must agree to take exam by his or her own free will or testing will not work. I have not been, you know, coerced or forced into this. I'm willing as a participant. Ask each question in the same tone and inflection. You have that anyway. It says that I need to click the bad body language button if I notice leg movement, twitching, excessive blinking or other tells. So I'm now, I am the polygraph.'m part of it Maybe this is the body language one So it says it can test it, but it doesn't

It tests your response to it Your subjective opinion Okay, please remain perfectly still Alright This polygraph exam will detect lies It is important to answer each question truthfully. Yeah, I can do that. Are you a female?

Yes. Now it's saying analysing control questions and it's counting down from 30. This could be a bomb. Question number three is, have you ever shat on the floor on a boat? No, no. No, I don't know why I'm laughing.

I don't know, I feel like I'm quite nervous. Yep. I think whenever it comes up whether I shat on the floor on a boat, like, that makes me a little bit... Aroused. No, not aroused. Like, it makes me laugh. It makes me... It's ridiculous.

The idea that I might shat on the floor at the wedding, because I totally didn't. Yes. The exam is complete. OK. You slide it below to review exam. I shat on the floor at the wedding because I totally didn't. Yes. The exam is complete. Okay. You slide it below to review exam. My question regarding if you shat on the floor on a boat is a lie.

You answered no and it's telling me that's a lie. I don't know why. I don't know why I freak out when you ask that question. This is a real fucking twist. You have shat on a boat before, on the floor? No, never. I really haven't. I definitely haven't. How many boats have you been on in your life?

Well, I've got a houseboat. Surprisingly, though, I don't like boats that much, even though I have one. Yeah, I mean, because when I do go on a boat, I do enjoy it. You'd like to think so and hope so, considering you I do go on a boat, I do enjoy it. You'd like to think so and hope so, considering you had your wedding on a boat. And I did notice two body language issues. Issues?

The first was just your general posture, but that's an issue I have constantly about you. And the second was you kind of started flailing a bit when that third question was asked. So I did have to report a body language issue. So hang on. Every time you press that button, it will say that she's lying. So if you're biased in any way and you want to frame Helen, you could by just pressing a button whenever you ask the question.

Is that true or not, Lauren? That is true. OK, I think we are ready for our very first interrogation. So in a few seconds, we're going to be bringing in our suspect. She would probably call herself a witness, but she doesn't know yet that she is also a suspect. Her name is Emma. Helen and Karen, before we bring Emma in, what is she like as a person? She is a good friend. She was a bridesmaid. Just a really wonderful human being. Loyal. She's very practical. She's the girl that you go on holiday with and she's got a little

first aid kit containing anything to sort of solve any problem at any time. She can be a little bossy, but in a good way. And she's just a really really great friend. That's lovely, Karen. It's funny because you're painting

this really friendly, kind picture of Emma but I would prefer you not to forget about the fact that she's actually a suspect. I just hope she is ready to cough up some answers. She's here. Hi, Emma. Hi, Lauren. Take a seat over there, please. Sorry.

Can you explain your relationship to the brides? Oh, very good friends. Very close friends. Known them for a long time. What was your favourite part of the wedding and why? Oh, gosh, there are too many moments to mention. The speeches were amazing. Ollie, who ordained it, was amazing.

Everyone there, the weather. Heading down the river to see all the windmills was, yeah. I mean, there's not one thing I could point out. Everything was wonderful. It was a very special day. What part did you dislike the most? Probably finding a shit on the floor in the bathroom. Which I happened upon when I needed to go. Have you ever done a shit anywhere that is not the toilet bowl? Absolutely not. I've never

even sharted. No. Have you ever been a newborn baby? I think at one point we've all been newborn babies, haven't we? Is that a trick question? Yes, it is. So most newborns do shit themselves? Well, if we're being pedantic. We are. This is an interrogation. And your role at the wedding, bridesmaid, that feels like quite an important role. A lot of stress.

Also as door bitch on the boat. Interesting. I had to do the list of people and take them off as they came in. Okay, so bridesmaid and door bitch, as you put it. So I sense a bit of animosity towards one of your tasks as bridesmaid. Absolutely not. Calling yourself a bitch is very, that's harsh. Well, if your name's not down, you're not coming in. Yeah, fair enough.

Did anyone try to make their way onto the boat that you had to tell them no? No, unfortunately not. And actually, that leads me on to my next question, which isn't actually for Emma, but it's for Helen and Karen. Do you believe in karma? Is there anything that you could have done

to anyone that was at this wedding that could have warranted this kind of behaviour as some sort of protest to you. Well, let me just jump in here, actually, because it's interesting we've already covered this topic. I think Helen actually forgot to even invite her bridesmaids and bridesman. I invited them.

Never directly. No, they were invited to the wedding. It's just the special roles that they had. You didn't tell them that they were going to be bridesmaids at the wedding. You merely told them the... May I suggest it could have been

interpreted as an afterthought after I'd sent special letters to each of my bridesmaids. Hand-written personal letters. And that's embarrassing. And so I was like, they're my peeps. And I also didn't want

bridesmaids because I didn't want everyone to get all uncomfortable about having to wear silly outfits. So I was like, let's just call them my peeps instead of

my bridesmaids. Can you stop saying peeps? Yeah. Why? It's making me feel a bit uncomfortable. Let's just recap on my peeps instead of my bridesmaids can you stop saying peeps yeah why let's just recap and watch what helen's actually saying here so you expected your peeps your peeps to telepathically understand that you're asking them to take on quite an important role but her chief peep detective was a man called ollie klonhammer and he had to fly all the way from austral Australia for the

wedding which is a big commitment if you know Helen forgot to even invite him. And his title was not really exactly a traditional one, Bridesman, so he had to somehow guess that not only is he in the wedding party but he is a new title, a Bridesman. And peep. He is a peep did you notice anything suspicious during the course of the wedding and the lead up to the incident i did notice uh one of the guests hank spent most of the evening stood at the entrance of the ladies toilets talking to everyone most of the night at the entrance or inside it's sort of inside the ladies. What was he doing? Was he taking money off people as they came in? No, he was just talking to everyone. Hank's quite a chatty chap.

On this occasion, he was there for most of the evening. Just inside the ladies' toilets, talking to everyone that came and went. I'd say for like four hours, maybe something like that, five hours. He was in the bathroom for four hours. I mean, he was in there a lot. He was there, he didn't leave it. I actually do remember when they brought chips. I bought him a drink down in fact and they brought around fries and mayonnaise chips and mayo very

very dutch belgian originally but it's popular here anyway uh i remember hank being given frit put in the toilet so he was sat in the ladies eating frits. So he was accepting meals and drinks. Yeah, yeah. Did he have a seat in there? No, he was literally standing up, leaning against the basins. What the fuck was he doing in there? Sorry, I'm a language guy. It's not normal, is it?

No, it's not normal. It's suspicious of you, I mean. We'll get to the bottom of that. Thank you for that information, Emma. That's a great lead. Did you actually lay eyes on the subject in question? The poo. The poo, yes.

I think I was the person to find it. Yes. You've got to tell us about this. Yeah, tell us. Walk us through this. So I went down to the toilets. I do believe Nicolette was with me. Hank was obviously just inside the doorway talking to people.

I think he might have even had his chips at this point. No, he wouldn't have had his chips then. Chips were later. Chips were later. Um and I went there's as you walked into the toilet the sinks were on the right and then you had two cubicles on the left and then one at the end and I went to the one at the end and you opened the door and the toilet was on the left hand side. There was I think it was like three nuggets. The thing that threw me was that apart from obviously someone's shot on the floor in the wedding was that the culprit had actually skidded in the last one that they just dropped so did it look like somebody was like in motion as they did it well yeah he's a nugget that implies that it's like a tasty little chicken nugget like solid

piece that you pick up and maybe play table tennis with. It wasn't slurring. It was solid. It was solid. Yeah. Emma, I'd just like to point out that according to the Bristol stool chart that I found in my detective database, which you can also find on our Instagram channel, who shat on the floor at my wedding, type one is super hard lumps like nuts.

Oh, that's like the rabbit droppings poo, isn't it? Yeah. See, it was bigger than that. So was it more type 2, sausage shaped but lumpy? Yes, it was more sausage shaped but lumpy. Was it a combination of type 1 and 2? Yes, but they weren't small rabbit poo droppings. How big were they then? It was like a chicken nugget right yeah but obviously more rotund was it leading towards

the toilet bowl in a straight line well the thing was there was three so yeah it was a straight line but obviously the door was hit to the right of the toilet and the toilet was on the far left hand side so they could have been walking towards the door or getting off the toilet and walking to I don't know Emma what colour was the poo? It was dark brown dark brown it was your average colour I mean there was no I didn't get close to it would you if you were to suggest three meals that that person had in the lead up? Meat. No way I reckon this is major. It was like a it was a balanced diet because the the stools were three meals that that person had in the lead up? Meat. No way. I reckon. This is major.

It was like a, it was a balanced diet because the stools were solid. So do you remember who was in there? You said you were with Nicolette. Nicolette came down to the toilets with me. Hank was in there. I can't remember who he was talking to because he was talking to everyone that was coming and going.

So there was somebody else there? No, other people. No, was there anyone there? No, because Hank was there. Hank was there, so he must have been talking to everyone that was coming and going. So there was somebody else there that he was talking to? No, other people. No, was there anyone there? No, because Hink was there. Hink was there, so he must have been talking to someone. Or he was on his own, so we need to clarify that. No, he wouldn't have been on his own. He wouldn't have been on his own.

Otherwise he would have left the ladies' toilets, or I'd hope he would have left the ladies' toilets, rather than just stand around in there with no one to talk to. And I went in and I opened the door at the end, and I saw the door at the end saw the um the stools with the one that's slightly skidded because they trod in it slightly and was like oh what the fuck someone has shut on the floor at helen and karen's wedding um then it made me feel slightly nauseous and hank was like who the fuck's done that i backed off because I was like I love these

girls but I'm not picking up someone else's shit why would you think of picking it up well because it's got to be cleaned you can't leave the shit on the floor in the toilet all night luckily Henk jumped in and um basically volunteered to do it wait a minute so going back you said that Henk was surprised at finding the poo you alerted him yes to the poo did he look stressed tense was he do you look like he was hiding anything I don't think so but what makes me think though because he was talking to absolutely everyone so he actually spoke to the culprit at some point this is what I've already been thinking actually Emma I will be questioning Henk at some point on every single person he

spoke to and why he was in the ladies toilets for about four hours getting his food and drinks delivered to him That's a disgrace It's really weird, I don't know what that's about He was literally there all night He was there all night I think, yeah, every time I went in I remember him being in there, like if I think of the wedding and I'm like

oh yeah, then you never usually think of the bathroom but if I think of the wedding and I'm like, oh, yeah, then, like, you never usually think of the bathroom, but I did think of the bathroom because Hank was in it. I mean, it was an iconic place during that wedding. That's where it all went down. So, Emma, you made the decision not to clean up the poo. No. Despite your earlier comments saying that you were great friends with Helen and Karen.

And so Hank jumped to the rescue. He did. Eager to clean up the poo. Indeed. Did you question him why he was so willing? No, I think I actually left at that point. So Henk jumped to the rescue. He did. Eager to clean up the toad. Did you question him why he was so willing? No, I think I actually left at that point. Or maybe went into, no, I went into one of the toilets that clearly didn't have shit on the floor.

And when I came out, he was clearing it up. I washed my hands and exited rather rapidly. And so Nicolette, she just disappeared, did she? She used the toilet and then left as well, as far as I remember. But anyway, is there a chance you could be lying to us today? Absolutely not. Well, that's something that we will determine for ourselves with this lie detector test that we are going to strap you to. Unfortunately, you do need to lift your dress up.

Where am I? So apologies for that. That's all right. Where is it? to strap you to. Unfortunately, you do need to lift your dress up. Where am I? So apologies for that. That's alright. This is the polygraph test for subject number one, Emma,

hosted by Detective Lauren Kilby. Emma is currently attaching the breathing apparatus to her abdomen. Put it just below your boobs. Abdomen, actually, is the correct anatomical term. Have we connected the human? That is the first step in the polygraph test. Yes, Detective Inspector.

Do people sometimes call you Emma? Yes. They call her a lot of other things as well, I tell you. That's a ridiculous question. Have you ever felt angry? Yes. Are these the questions that the USB Polygraph

Police Edition Version 2 is suggesting you to ask, or are you, are these part of your brilliant detective mind? No, these are absolutely baked into the polygraph control question. Are these part of your brilliant detective mind? No, these are absolutely baked into the polygraph control question. No, in a way, it was 99 euros. Excuse me, moving on to the next question. Have you ever felt sad?

Yes. Fucking hell. Have you... Oh, this has come out of nowhere. Sorry, I should be a bit more professional. Have you ever wished someone dead? No. I'm a rogue.

No, I haven't. These control questions have really ramped up since the last time we tested this piece of equipment. I mean, it's gone from, are you a female, to, you know, have you thought about murdering someone? Yeah. Maybe it gets more bold the longer you use it. Thank you for sitting through those control questions.

So my next question, Emma, is, are you into horses sexually? No. I actually don't really like horses, full stop. So that's a no then? No. Have you ever shat on the floor of a boat? No. Good answer.

I really sensed a big jump in her right there. There was a big spike in her right there, yeah. Everyone gets jittery when you ask that question because, like, what the fuck? Sorry. spike right there yeah everyone gets jittery when you ask that question because like what the fuck like sorry do you like anyone who was on the boat enough to go above and beyond for this person i find the question quite misleading what's above and beyond what just answer the question, Emma. Yeah. But it depends on Bob and Bill. No, the question's been answered with a yes.

Thank you. Thank you, Emma. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, the exam is complete. Let's take a look at the results. This machine has detected irregularities. Oh! Oh, God. Oh, God.

Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, shit. Oh, God. This really goes outside of the realms of my capacities as a professional detective. What's the card? I'm going to have to call in some professionals for this, and some professionals for this, but I will let you know which lie you did tell during the course of the... It's a fucking horse one, isn't it?

The question was, Emma, are you into horses sexually? You said no, and that was a lie. And that was a lie. May I suggest that there's a lot of anxiety that comes around horses for Emma. So as soon as you start mentioning it, it makes you go like, ooh. I don't like them. Yeah. Do you like anyone who was on the boat enough to go above and beyond for this person?

Emma answered yes. that was the truth thank you no but this is that's not a thank you that's not a thank you it is because it shows i'm not lying yes it does but it also shows that you would be willing to go above and beyond for someone that you liked on the boat quick summary of the lie lie detector test. Emma is sexually into horses and everything else she told was true. Thank you. I think this concludes the end of the interview. I would say that's enough. You're all fucking lunatics.

Lunatics. So Detective Lauren Kilby, where are we at and where are we going? Alright, to conclude. The lie detector test works at 100% capacity. Interrogation one is complete. Emma has provided all of the information.

We now need to corroborate her story. But first, I'd like to have a chat to our forensic psychologist to get his point of view on potential suspects. Sounds like you know what you're doing. I do. Yeah, I feel comforted. Well, when you've got such reliable equipment as the Polygraph USB police edition.

But hopefully we've got more than that. More tricks up your sleeve. I've got a few tricks up my sleeve, Helen. Thanks for asking. I bet you do. Coming up next on Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. Hello, my name's Mike Perry. I'm a consultant clinical forensic psychologist. I've dealt with crimes from murder, serial killing, serial rapists, arsonists.

Why would he want to spend hours in the ladies' bathroom? It seems a very odd behaviour, to say the least. So what, you think we've got bigger issues i work from the couple outwards and the first thing you always do is look at the nearest and dearest have you ever dated one of the brides uh date date is a date is an interesting verb particularly when you're sitting next to said person's partner. So he would be one of my strong suspects because he would be angry. He turned you gay. He turned me gay.

There's got to be a story behind this. Dot, dot, dot.