Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S1 E7 Who shat on the floor at my wedding? 'File number 8653'

Episode Date: January 8, 2021

The team send a survey around to all guests, the results of which are alarming. Fingers are pointed at new suspects, the mother of the bride is interrogated and some new evidence comes forward that changes the direction of the whole investigation. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello wedding guests and staff. You all attended our wedding and blah blah blah blah blah. As you know, a serious crime took place. Someone defecated, blah blah blah. As part of our investigation into this crime, we are asking all guests to please complete this online questionnaire. There are only nine questions, so it will only take a couple of minutes of your time. If you do not, this is the good part, if you do not complete this questionnaire, your lack of action will be interpreted as an unwillingness to cooperate with the investigation and will be regarded with the utmost suspicion. For any questions about the above or if you have any information slash want to confess please contact Detective Lauren Kilby at

who'schatontheflooratmywedding.com. Kind regards, Helen, Karen and Detective. Helen, Karen and Detective. Welcome to episode seven of Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. So what's this survey? I remember, I mean, I know we worked on the questions together, but is it anonymous or like other responses you can see? Okay, I can see you've got a lot of questions, Karen, which is is nice but if you just let me um announce this without you butting in first i need to log into my detective gmail account i'm going to go straight to the analysis of results actually no first i'm going to tell

you how many people filled out the survey so how many people attended your wedding about 100 100 people we have a response rate of 38%. That's pretty fucking good. I think that's not bad. I mean, most people would just delete that shit. 38 people responded to the optional survey. Anyway, question number one. What type of underwear were you wearing at Helen and Karen's wedding? The options were boxers, knickers, G-string swimsuit, no underwear or other.

Can you guess what type of underwear people wore the most? Well, 38% of the people wore. I would say G-string would be up there. Pants. What was the pants one? Pants wasn't. There's no pants option. What's pants? Oh, knickers. Yeah, knickers. Is the knickers on there? Knickers.

Yeah, of course they were wearing knickers. 50% wearing knickers. Yeah. Well, half the women were wearing knickers. It, of course they were wearing knickers. 50%. There you go. Wearing knickers? Yeah. Well, half the women were wearing knickers. It's hardly surprising. Yeah, no, you're right. Actually, it's pretty unsurprising. What is surprising, though, is four people were wearing a g-string.

One person was wearing a swimsuit. Two people weren't wearing underwear. So those two people, I wish I knew who they were because they would be the people that I'd want to question. What can we do with that information now? We didn't really think this through.

Can I just ask, how many people picked other? Just the one person. Because that raises a lot more questions. Crotchless punties, maybe? Well, I was thinking maybe a tankini. Oh no, that would fall under the swimsuit. What's a tankini? I don't know what other could be. But it's swimwear, a tankini. Yeah, a, that would fall under the swimsuit. What's a tankini? I don't know what other could be.

But it's swimwear, a tankini. Yeah, a tankini would be a swimwear. Is that for a man or a woman? Could be both, really. I suppose both. I'm getting confused with a mankini, maybe. Oh, a mankini. Maybe that could be other.

That would fit in other as well. Borat came to the wedding. No, I think that would be in swimsuit. So, other, you're right, Karen, what is other? Oh, maybe it would be, you know, you can get those thongs that are made out of sweets. That could be other. When was the last time I saw one of those? Somebody was nibbling from it as they were wearing it.

Where was that? I don't know, Helen. Can you do it to yourself, Helen? Where was that? Honey. That was fairly recently. Not recently, but like in the last few years. Have you just?

You were there, weren't you? I don't think so, no. No, the ones where you like bite it off and it's got a last thing. Yes, I know what it is. She knows what it is. Where were you doing this and who with? I can't remember, but I've got a distinct memory. As soon as you said it, I had a flashback of somebody bending down

and nibbling off a little bit of the sweet of these knickers. Well, I definitely wasn't there. Sorry. Was it on a man or a woman? It was over clothes and it was people larking around. Oh, so it wasn't a sexual thing where you were cheating on your wife? Hell no. I mean, who wears a sweet underwear, underwear made of bloody sweets, in a sexual manner?

Nobody. It's what they're meant for, though. Isn't that what they're for? Yeah. I thought they were jokes. Sensual little nibble. It's like when you put sushi over your naked body. It's similar to that.

Especially if you have to wait for half an hour and it goes warm. It's mixing food with sex. Hang on, wait. I've never understood it, but it can happen. Maybe whipped cream or a bit of melted... Exactly. Can we just deconstruct the idea of the thong, which is made of sweets,

the point when it turns from a very innocent nibble to the sexual act? Because basically you have to eat away the whole entirety of the sweets. You're going to be absolutely fucked up from all the sugar.

And exactly and then there's like what you're left with is a tiny string that is probably going to hurt a little bit. They're really hard sweets and they're really crunchy.

I know, you can't, it's really hard to break off and you've kind of got to hold the string so you're going to be exhausted from all the chewing of all these sweets.

How can you crunch, can you crunch a sweet for, I mean it's crunching sweets for five minutes. You know, really, you put it in your jaw. This is either for amateurs or it's a joke. And that's what I'm saying. Unless you just rip it off and you just hear them skittering all over the floor. And then you lap it up like a dog after.

And then the dog comes running in and then you have to stop what you're doing. You have to save them so the dog doesn't eat all the sugar. It sounds like a nightmare. It feels like they need to be more donuts or something rather than hard lollies. Donuts for six feet. Like a necklace made of mini donuts, so it's easy to bite off.

All right, next Survey Monkey question. Do you have any feedback on Helen and Karen's wedding? For example, cold lasagna, boat decor, lack of fireworks, inexperienced staff, music too loud, too many stairs, et cetera. We put way too many examples in there. I think I wrote that one. This is your shit list, basically. Your shit list for our wedding. 36 responses. Two skipped. Okay. A fab bash. A lot of people gave you compliments, which is unfortunate. Too much booze to tempt me.

That sounds a bit dodgy. Ceremony was amazing. It was the waitress or Karen's mum. I mean, they're not even saving that for the question where we ask, who was it that shat? Oh, someone wrote posh. That's interesting. That sounds, yeah, that could be a bit of a motive there.

Yeah, that sounds like a motive. It sounds like a dig. How could that be a dig? Because they're not just saying it was a nice affair. What's the matter with you people? Well, posh is quite a, it's a bit of a term, derogatory term, actually. Is it? Yes, a lot of people, when they say that, they'll be like,

oh, yeah, it's a bit posh, those fucking posh wankers. That's the kind of undertone. This is my absolute favourite question, and the results are very concerning. Do you like Helen and Karen? Now, the answer options were no, yes, I only like Karen, I only like Helen, or I'm indifferent to both of them. Can you imagine? Yes, you can imagine because it's right here in front of me.

You invite somebody to your wedding and then they're like, yeah, I'm indifferent about them. You only went to their wedding for the free booze. Okay, so which answer would you be most shocked at? Indifferent. Indifferent, I would say, is the most offensive. Every day of the week. Okay. Well, I'd like to is the most offensive. Every day of the week.

Okay. Well, I'd like to tell you now that 13% of your wedding are indifferent to you. The people that attend your wedding, 13% of them, let's round it up to 14%, are indifferent to you. That's pretty shocking. You guys look really upset about that. So what do you make of this whole Survey Monkey wild goose chase detective Like what have we learned Well I'll tell you what we've learned We can ignore all eight questions

And just go straight into question number nine Which is really the meat of it Which one is that? Well I think everything else Just that we've discussed right now Is completely irrelevant to the investigation And I think we were just having a bit too much fun At other people's expense.

Okay, so the final question, which is really the one that matters. So we haven't had the final question yet. This is the final question. We haven't learned anything from this whole survey exercise. The final free question before you need to start paying for the surveys. Do you want me to do a little trumpet?

Yeah, yeah. Okay, the question was, who do you think shat on the floor at Helen and Karen's wedding? Did we leave this free text or was this... Free text. Oh, wow. Free text. They're my favourites.

Somewhat, two people have said that I did it. Lauren Kilby, detective. You could be going for the glory. It could have been a glory-seeking shit, Lauren. I still don't understand why you took off your flat shoes at the end of the evening on quite a coldish evening and you're walking around with no shoes. We're not here to discuss me, Karen.

Why did you have to take your shoes? Because I was uncomfortable. I wanted to have fun and I wanted to have a nice relaxing time. Had you trodden in something? No. Do you remove your shoes? I've got my shoes at home. I've already checked them. They're fine. They they're clear you remove your shoes if they're heels but

not flats yeah that's true yeah it's kind of weird it's really weird i get sore feet if any of you listeners are keen to see this incriminating piece of evidence the photo of lauren okay with bare feet with her hands flailing in the air looking generally dodgy, please go to our Instagram page, who shat on the floor at my wedding. It's ridiculous. Okay. The next person who was thrown into the frame, who I don't think is necessarily a concern, is you, Helen. Me?

Three people said it was you. No way. That's outrageous. I've told you how I feel about this. I feel offended by it. Tell us. Just tell us again. Well, there's me happily, you know, inviting all these folks to a party with lovely food, drinks, good times. And then they're accusing me of taking a dump and trying to blame everybody else. It's just not acceptable.

So the person who had the most votes, who most people said, shout on the floor, Karen. No way! I thought I got off scot-free. I was like, hello. Okay, so they think that the motivation is to have a podcast and to do this ridiculous show. No, I'm not

having it. Five people that said it was you. So, you know, as a detective, my life started flashing before my eyes when I suddenly realised what had happened here. I see. I found that the three people that I take out of this as being potentially in the frame are three members from the same family.

Spit it out. Well, I just said it. What? Karen's family. You think it was all Karen's family? So a lot of people have pointed towards Karen's sister and a lot of people have pointed towards Karen's mother. A lot of people have pointed towards Karen. Do the maths, Helen. Was it an inside job? Was it an inside family job or family inside job? Okay, let's take this one step at a time.'d like to firstly rule out karen's mother i think we need

to see if we can get her on the phone now today i think the other thing is is i think i know there's one person who said karen's mum in that survey and i think i know who that might have been i think that that might be ollie my chief peep. Your chief peep. My chief peep, because for probably maybe two years... Sorry, are we just saying peep now without acknowledging that we're saying peep? It's just happening. It's become a thing now. We've got to just admit defeat. So my chief peep, he and I have basically, maybe for two years,

like we would occasionally... Obviously, the conversation always comes around to who the fuck shat on the floor at the wedding. have basically maybe for two years like we would occasionally obviously the question the conversation always comes around to who the fuck shot on the floor at the wedding and then he and i used to repeatedly laugh and giggle that it was karen's mum and yeah so i wonder if that might have been him so be very fascinated to see how she responds to your accusation exactly does your mum need to know that I've been laughing for two years about the fact that it was possibly your mother that did it? Absolutely.

I'm going to throw you under the bus in front of my mother. Is that going to be detrimental to the relationship, your relationship, my podcast? This podcast has been detrimental to many people's relationships. So, yeah, it's just par for the course, really, isn't it? I don't know why but right this minute I've just got this really big like thing come on to me that is like what are we doing

what are we actually doing here you're freaking out because you need to confront Karen's mum I've actually had that moment today as well what are we doing we're solving a crime. It's actually time now. We need to call her right now.

I'm looking forward to it. I don't feel well. Yeah, just make sure we catch her. I'm just getting on to it. Okay, perfect. Just hang on. You all right there, Mum? Chris, it says no internet.

There's no internet. Chris, it's saying no internet. For some reason, you've lost the internet connection. I don't know why. And it's switched off, isn't it? I think it is, yeah. Just go and see if the blue light's on in the lounge. I don't know why that happened.

Lauren. Connect to Lauren. That's the blue light's on in the lounge. Do you know why that happened? Lauren. Connect to Lauren. That's the one. I'm in. Is that Lucy? Yeah, that's me. Lucy, hi. My name is Detective Lauren Kilby.

Yes, very nice to meet you too. Listen, Lucy, thank you very much for being involved in this investigation I don't know if you know the full details of the crime that I'm investigating What do you know about it? Well I'm familiar with the problem and I know what the investigation is about let's put it that way. And in your own words, what would that be? Well, they found some turd on the floor in the ladies on the boat on the wedding.

Can you imagine that? I just cannot believe it. So you aren't the one who defecated on the floor me definitely not anyway it's the wrong time of the day for me I'm very regular that's the wrong time of the day for me well based on that and I will have to um call your doctor just to get verification on your bowel movements during the daytime. Yes, well, I can give you all the details if you like, Lauren. There's no problem at all, because I feel totally and utterly safe on that. Because I mean, it's a terrible crime. You know, I'm trying to be helpful here because I want this problem, I want this solved, you know.

Now, this has been just, before we get into it, there has been something similar that happened at your other daughter's wedding, and I just wanted to firstly check what it was that happened at your wedding when you were younger. Oh, do you want to go into that? Right. Well, I tell you what, on my wedding day, on our wedding day, can you imagine what I actually did? My husband, my new husband's best friend, was sneaking in to get bottles of champagne out of the iced area. And I got so fed up with him, I gave him a good old smack on my wedding day where did you smack him mum

in the face he'd been annoying me for so many times and it just came to a crescendo on that day well whack in his face I gave him a good old slap in his face, I'm just a bit concerned about which crime to investigate now, Lucy. Is he still alive? He's still alive, but we haven't seen him for about 48 years. I could arrange to have someone send him a message, if you like. Oh, no, I wouldn't bother. No, fair enough. Well, thank you for that background.

I was hoping you would touch on something a bit more related to our crime, you know, something in the fecal realm. Yeah. I just wanted to rule out any genetic connections to the fecal matter, you know, does it get passed down generation to generation? Had someone shat at your wedding, for example? No, absolutely. there was nothing that wasn't just in those days they didn't do things like that you see they went properly to the loo

rather than use the floor why do you think these days that's different what you know what have the times done to us to warrant you know such a change in behaviour at weddings? Well, I mean, I can't say it's just at weddings. It's just an observation I'm making on, you know, certain behaviour of some young people. I wouldn't say everyone, but there's definitely some things nowadays that we wouldn't have dared do, certainly not anything like crapping on a floor. And I did go to the loo on the boat very early on, but probably before it happened,

because, you see, we had to leave, we left early, you see, because we had to get off at half, what was it, half past nine? Yeah. So we were out of the mix by then. So I reckon it happened after we'd gone off the boat. That's convenient. Very convenient. What I find very interesting is the reason you left your daughter's wedding early. Were you running from anything? Were you fleeing the scene of the crime we weren't fleeing no no no not for that reason we just thought that we because i think we had to fly back fairly early the following day and also we felt because it was going to be a whole night party that to have two oldies like us you know

sort of um being in the background and sort of perhaps putting a dampener on things we felt that everyone could really let rip them and i i just want to nip in here to give you a bit of context why we're actually speaking um with you today um it wasn't my idea and it wasn't our detective idea um it was actually my wife's idea who I'm just turning around to now. Helen, do you want to explain a little bit why my mum right now? I'd be interested to hear this. Everyone's listening in. Are you ready? Please go.

Here's your moment, Helen. She's been talking about this for months. I don't think I have anything to say. Do you want me to say it for you? No, I think so. We did. This is this is more difficult than I imagined. So obviously there was a crime committed and it's about two and a half years ago. And of course, we've spent a lot of time wondering who it could possibly have been. spent a lot of time wondering who it could possibly have been and um anyway I don't know if you remember my bridesman or best man Ollie oh yes yes yeah I do remember him he's over in

Australia now um and he came over especially for the wedding to you know ceremonies and he did a fantastic job anyway he and I over a couple of years we basically were trying to guess who it was and we we occasionally used to say that it was Karen's mum and then we would laugh a lot well I don't care about laughing you know it's it's proving the point isn't it that's what you got to do but I tell you Ellen it was definitely not me well I know absolutely of course it wasn't you but it just it's kind of funny to sort of put the mother of the bride in the frame for it um and anyway we the detective Lauren Kilby sent out some questionnaires and I think your name appeared on there as somebody who was a potential. Yes.

And I think now I'm coming clean because I think I know that that was probably Ollie who wrote that because we have been laughing about it for quite a while. But I mean, I don't mind that at all because that's all the mother-in-law jokes. That could be the funny joke. But I don't mind being the butt of enjoyment and laughter I can tell you it wasn't me me it wasn't me I just I just I'm sorry anyway I just want to say I'm sorry I don't mind being suspected at all because I know in my heart of hearts that I didn't do it. As I keep saying to Lauren, the detective, it's not my time of the day. Did Karen often shit herself?

No, never. I do think there's a small, small chance that she is the one who committed this crime. I'm not so sure. Well, actually, I'm absolutely sure that's not the case. Mind you, I have no other suspects, Lauren, so I can't really give you any idea really, but I certainly don't think it's my daughter. What about Anna? No, Anna wouldn't do

anything like that. She's too fussy. No way. If you had to decide which of your two daughters did this, you had to choose, or they were both going to die, who would you choose? Well, then I suppose it would be anna don't you dare tell her

i wish you luck lauren and if there's any time any other little question you you know springs to mind to ask just let me know thank you that's very helpful. Thanks, Mum. Yes, thank you, Lucy. You're very welcome, and have a great weekend, guys. Love you. Cheers. Love you. Bye. Bye. Um, okay.

That was your mum. She's a good egg, isn't she? She's nice. I'm just worried about how it's going to be when I see her next. I don't know if there'll be a knowing grimace. Okay, well, let's wrap it up. So quick recap. Your mother is violent at weddings and probably needs to be investigated for that reason rather than the fecal matter on the floor. Helen, you're in trouble and your marriage is probably at risk now. So I think this ties off

the mother loose end. I think we can be pretty confident that it wasn't her. So that now leads me back to you, Karen. We've been working on this podcast for a very long time now, We've been working on this podcast for a very long time now, and numerous people have said, including myself, that there is a small chance that this whole thing could be a hoax. I must say, I obviously married Karen, and I never thought she would be able to do something like this. But there has been... Certainly earlier today, I did have this moment

where I just thought, well, what if our entire marriage is built on a lie, you know? Or more importantly, what if this podcast is built on a lie? All I know is that Survey Monkey has spoken. The guests have spoken. And they're pointing fingers at you, Karen. Is there anything that you would like to say? And they're pointing fingers at you, Karen.

Is there anything that you would like to say? Well, actually, there is something I've been waiting to tell you both, and I've just been waiting for the right moment, and I guess now is as good as any time. OK. So I had the thought the other day, in terms of the evidence we've got, we had a wedding photographer, of course. And I've already gone through all of the amazing wedding photos that we had from the day.

But then I thought, what about the photos that the photographer didn't think were good enough to send to me? That could be a whole other load of evidence. And funny, I had the idea, and luckily, he actually had a whole folder full of these images that didn't make the cut. And? I found a couple of interesting photos that I want to show to you now, just to see what you think. All right, game on.

Bringing up a... file number 8653. Oh, no. Oh, man. This is gold.