Who Shat On The Floor At My Wedding? And Other Crimes - S2 E1 The Case Of The Tiny Suit/Case - ‘Worn but washed’

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

In this very first episode of 'The Case Of The Tiny Suit/Case' we delve into the details of a crime that took place in a remote village in Sweden over a decade ago. Join former victims of Season 1, Helen and Karen, and ‘Detective’ Lauren Kilby as the trio introduce the victim of this new bizarre mystery and show you what tricks they have up their sleeves to crack the case.Follow us on instagram for the case evidence and behind the scenes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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There's a large, traditional, red, Swedish house in the middle of the woods, in the middle of a village called Black Lake. The trees are moving softly in the wind. There's an old rickety veranda that leads to the front door of the house. The village is asleep. But there is one person who is awake. A car slowly creeps up the driveway over the gravel.

A vehicle that's also conveniently dark for the purpose of this reconstruction, but we're not sure what colour it was when it was actually happening. There's a figure behind the wheel. The vehicle parks. We see a door open. We see a foot and then a leg and then the rest of a body.

A body that's crouching. A figure that does not want to be seen. And a face. The face of a person who is about to commit a crime, depending on what your definition of crime is. Commit a crime, depending on what your definition of crime is. The figure takes their time, walking very soft, slow steps across the gravel. The figure's trying to look subtle, but what the figure isn't doing is looking and sounding subtle.

The figure is holding something, an object. It seems to be flapping in the wind. They're now stepping up the rickety wooden stairs carefully, trying to not make any creaking sounds in case somebody is home. The figure has just deposited the flapping object on the veranda. They look at it for a second, contemplating something. Is that regret I see in their eyes? They take a deep breath and then creep back down the rickety stairs.

The cat has noticed the figure. The cat is running with the figure. The figure gets back into the driver's seat. The figure reverses down the driveway. What the figure doesn't realise is that the beeping sound in the car is due to the reversing of the car, so actually it would have been smarter to not reverse, to avoid being heard. The figure is gone into the dark night. Was the figure seen? No, I think we're good. I think we've got it.

You need to act like a criminal, Helen. Not like a fucking cartoon character. I have trouble acting like a criminal. I don't know if Helen's the right person to do this, to be honest. I think we just, let's move. Oh, the cat. The cat. Don't let me drive over a cat.

We're back. It's happening. Season two. What were we going to say? Welcome to season two. It's happening. Season two. What were we going to say? Welcome to season two of the Who's Shouting for My Wedding podcast series presenting that, no. No, we don't need to say it's a podcast because it is a podcast. Some people are listening to the podcast. She loves saying it's a podcast.

She always wants to say it. Twice. Are you ever like, oh, the Breaking Bad TV series? I'm watching that. Let's try that again. Welcome to season two of Who Shat on the Floor at My Wedding. This is episode one. And just in case you're not already aware, this is a podcast. We are your hosts, Karen Whitehouse, Helen McLaughlin, and me, Detective Lauren Kilby. We're no longer investigating the shit on the floor at Helen and Karen's wedding,

but we have found a completely new and shocking crime that is begging for a top-of-the-range detective team. During this episode, we will reveal the details of the new crime. We'll find out exactly what the figure left on the veranda that day. We'll introduce you to our victim, and we'll set the scene for what is going to be a rollercoaster of an investigation. So why did we take on this specific crime? And while we are very grateful to everyone that submitted new cases involving bodily fluids, I feel like it might be time to move on to something that's non-bodily fluid or secretion related.

We've all got individual reputations and spending, you know... Do you have a reputation still? It's gone out the window, hasn't it? Well, I think spending one year on faecal matter is enough and we can claw back that reputation if we move on to something a bit classier, shall we say. What's the ultimate aim here if each season we're going to get classier

in our crime? I just want to know where we're headed. I'll tell you what we're not doing. Cybercrime, no. Rape, no. Murder, no. Pedophilia, no. Not like class A, you know, epic crimes. We're not covering any of that and nothing in the cyber world, okay? It's got to be something that really happened in physical

world. So where... Has anybody written in with a suggestion of a crime that is not a... No, it's all vomit related and poo related. We're not taking that. Okay, so... We've got to be, you know, we've got standards. poo related we're not taking that okay so we've got to be you know we've got standards so because

I'll tell you something my boyfriend yeah his name is Joel well that's what I call him but his official name is Juul

he is Swedish oh like no way is Juul. He is Swedish. No way! Like, Juul? Do you not know this? I didn't know that. No! Okay. How do we know him? No, it's not Juul, it's Juul. Juul. Juul, yeah. So he's got the family Juuls. That's what he goes by, but I don't call him that.

Anyway, boyfriend has a mother. No way. Boyfriend has a mother? What? I have a boyfriend who has a mother. No way. Boyfriend has a mother. What? I have a boyfriend who has a mother. Yeah. Usually that's the way it goes, yeah. The mother-in-law, yeah.

Boyfriend, not the case with you though, is it? Your boyfriend has a mother. Yes. Yeah, everybody has a mother. You don't have a boyfriend. Anyway. Or a mother. Let's relax.

And so her name is Christina. Mm-hmm. Aguilera. Christina Aguilera Christina Aguilera is my mother-in-law yes how awesome would that be yeah that's pretty cool it'd be like happy birthday she can do the new jingle

for season two so Christina is actually with a K it's not with a C like Christina Aguilera anyway I have a boyfriend who has a mother who lives in Sweden, the mother. And her name is Christina.

And something very bizarre happened to her 10 years ago. That sounds like the time frame that we work with best. Yeah, we do not take on any current cases. Nothing that's recent that may have a lot of evidence and memory. We're in Black Lake, in Sweden. It's the 7th of December, 2009. Christina returns home after a night spent away. The first thing that was strange was when I came home.

When I walked up on my veranda, I noticed something hanging on the veranda. It was this small blue corduroy suit. A tiny blue corduroy suit. It was a jacket, trousers and a vest. Really nice one, but so small. A tiny blue corduroy three-piece suit. And I couldn't understand where it came from. No one recognised it.

So I never saw that by myself. This sounds like a job for detectives who specialise in the depositing of unwanted goods. I made jokes on Facebook at the time and because this was one and a half year after my separation with my husband

so I know I made a joke. Oh, here is the suit. When comes the man? But he never came. You meant, like, where is the man that should be wearing this? Yeah, his clothes are here, where's the man? The tiny man.

Yeah. Have you ever dated a man that size? No, no. It doesn't stop there. It doesn't stop there. One and a half years after the suit was deposited on Christina's veranda, on the 1st of April 2011, Christina also returned home after a night spent away.

She approached her veranda and she saw another item sitting there. This time, it was a tiny suitcase. How tiny is tiny? Well, that's what we're going to have to work out now, Helen. Okay. And also, tiny is subjective. Yeah, exactly. And I was like, if it's actually just a small suitcase I'm going to be really much less impressed. No no no.

If it's like carry on luggage for a plane. No it's not carry on luggage Meg. May I ask what enticed you to take on this non-crime crime? I think it's more in the non-crime sort of category. You don't know yet what if it was like a bloody knife in the tiny suitcase? Well it's reverse theft isn't-crime sort of category. You don't know yet. What if it was like a bloody knife in the

tiny suitcase? Well, it's reverse theft, isn't it? It's present giving. Yeah, and who was to say that she didn't want a tiny suitcase? She's got a lot of weird things in her house. Why should we care about this tiny suitcase? Well, because if you're not already alarmed by the fact that it was a suitcase

dropped on her veranda in the middle of nowhere, 30 minutes from the nearest town. Wait till you hear what she found inside. But then I had even this time been away. I didn't sleep at home and I came home in the morning and then there was an old leather suitcase on my veranda

and I was very confused, I hadn't seen before, I can send you a photo of this too, it's one of these really old ones and you can actually find this piece of evidence on our Instagram page, who shat on the floor at my wedding. Was it tiny? No, it's a

bit bigger than those you're allowed to take as luggage on the plane. It's not the biggest, but it's in the middle. So we were under the impression that it was a tiny suitcase is that not the case? No, it's a quite big suitcase and I was a little confused as I said and worried and wondered what it was but after some time I took it inside and

then I opened it and in it I found a pillow, a towel, a toilet bag with a toothbrush and toothpaste, A towel. A toilet bag with a toothbrush and toothpaste. A cap. A cat. No cap for the head. Oh, wow. Underpants, male underpants, worn but washed. A Hawaii shirt, worn but washed.

Swimming glasses. Nylon stockings, one parcel, not used. And comic magazine. Okay, okay. This is a lot to process. Yeah. And were they also all clothes for a child? Or were they... No, no, this was for a man.

Okay. Was anyone with you when you discovered either the cordon suit? No. Was anyone else at home, any of your other three children? No. No one was at home and no one was living here at the time. Okay, we'll need to go back and verify that information. May I ask, the Hawaiian shirt and the corduroy suit,

is that the type of thing that Yule would wear? My first thought was that this was something that Yule had worn as a kid and someone has landed it from us. Someone with a little younger kids had borrowed this to use on a party or something. So I asked Joel if he recognized it and he just laughed and said no. And then I asked the young people, the young men around me and their parents. How many young men were around you at the time?

No, no. And have you spoken to any other detectives to take on this case? No, no, I haven't. I just did these investigations myself. Okay, great. I haven't asked anyone else. So you're not exploring any other options in terms of case solving? No. It's good to know that we're...

And do you feel confident in your daughter-in-law taking this case on? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Even though she hasn't actually cracked any cases before? She has got a success rate of 0% in solving crimes. Yeah, but I still think

she's my best option I would agree yeah you don't have any other You've done your detective course Let's not get into that Helen Module 1A Have you listened to season 1 of the podcast to hear our

technique? Yeah, I'm really impressed. I'm really impressed. So you're not concerned if we do things like get screwdrivers and kind of threaten anyone? Is this intimidating? So I'm going to have to be both the good cop and the bad cop. Is that okay? Yeah, yeah, absolutely.

Waterboarding, that kind of thing? I'm not so keen on waterboarding, but other things. Threatenings and pinching and... Bribery. Yeah. Yeah, bribery, verbal abuse, yeah. Yeah, you little bitch. Did you like the wedding

or did you not like the fucking wedding? Give them a wink and say, are you sure you don't want to confess and slide over the envelope? Okay. It sounds like there's money in here. You're trying to bribe me. Verbal abuse.

Absolutely verbal abuse. Yeah. Yeah, we don't just, like we've got other skills rather than waterboarding helen can i just bring our attention to one small matter we've been talking about and i've actually we've been talking telling everybody that this is the case of the tiny suitcase we just found out there's no tiny suitcase i'm crestfallen i'm actually you know what though i think we just

press on i don't think we change the name at all. And we just, I don't know, it's still the case of the tiny suitcase or the case of the tiny medium suitcase or the case of the tiny in brackets medium suitcase. It's such a good title, the case of the tiny suitcase, but I also think the case of the normal size suitcase works. I think that's lame. The case of the medium suitcase has not got the same ring as the case of the tiny suitcase.

Nathan does Hoshi on the fort my wedding presents. Proudly presents. Proudly presents. Proudly presents. Welcome to episode one of the case of the medium-sized suitcase. Either you change the whole name or you keep tiny, and I say keep tiny. The case of the tiny suitcase. But it's not. Does it roll off the tongue?

Show how easily it rolls off the tongue. Who Shouts on the Floor at My Wedding proudly presents the case of the tiny suitcase. It's perfect. You try, Helen. Yeah, I'll go use your intonation. People have got half an hour to wait around. You try.

Do your Helen intonation thing. Do yours. Who shat on the floor at my wedding proudly presents the case of the tiny suitcase. Okay, first of all, we have to acknowledge the fact that this is a huge conflict of interest. Why is it a conflict of interest?

Because it is my boyfriend's mother. So that should just make you want to solve the case even more? Well, yeah, it's kind of like when it all gets really bad, you know, down the line in a few episodes, what do I care more about, my relationship or my podcast? That's what it's going to come down to, Helen. I've told you all what we're about to do, that I'm about to ambush his entire family and subject them to a gruelling investigation, specifically his mother. He is feeling quite

uncomfortable about the whole thing, but he doesn't want to ask me to stop working on this case because he knows how much it means to me. Will he prioritise my needs over his mother's? We have to explore this being a crime of passion. How do you feel about me delving into your mother's sex life and love life, historical love life, and broadcasting my findings to millions, if not billions of people. Yeah, that is pretty unusual. I don't really know how to feel about that.

Yeah, what if she's got some sort of dark, twisted past? Yeah. And I expose that. Me. Yeah, what if she's got some sort of dark twisted past? Yeah. And I expose that. Me. What would a situation in your opinion be where I'm crossing the line? What would I have to do to cross the line? If you did something to someone that was like, would forever make my relationship with them,

or like my mom's's or fucking up people's relationships with each other you know like it properly but not the jockey way that would be the line right if it was somebody actually being like hurt you know if you ruin relationships for the sake of fame and money and success it's not really good three words to explain how you're feeling about us taking on this case. A bit awkward. You never know what twists and turns this investigation might take and what it could expose.

Who will have the last laugh? But the thing that is in common about what these two items hold is that someone was there to stay for a while, I think. I mean, the pillow suggests I'm coming in, I'm here for a while. There's toiletry bags. This isn't just a fleeting visit. If you bring a pillow, that means you're going to be somewhere for a while. Pillow's my worst part of that whole thing.

It really stresses me out. It is the worst. So if I had to choose one item that freaks me out the most, it is the pillow. Yeah, it's like, I'm here to stay. It's the tiny suit that does it for me. I'm actually offended by that. Oh, but detectives, we haven't done the main update.

Like, Helen and I are no longer the victims, so do you want to do the awards ceremony? Yeah. What awards ceremony? Karen Whitehouse. Yeah. You were once a victim of a horrible crime. But now, you are...

Yeah? Assistant to the detective. Me being the detective. Assistant detective? Assistant to the detective. You're my assistant. No, I'm your assistant detective. No.

I'm not your assistant no I'm not your assistant I'm not like your PA I'm like I'm going to be doing most of the work so I think you can at least tell me that I'm your assistant detective

and Helen congratulations you've been demoted from victim you don't think you can get any worse than this but you are now assistant to the assistant to the detective so you're karen's assistant karen is my assistant and you are okay i actually think that i am the assistant to the assistant detective no

so hang on is there like a really strict hierarchy so if helen speaks i have to go through me and then i channel what I decide reaches you. So this is going to make it slightly confusing for listeners. But I mean... So what, I can never talk to Lauren again? No, I can veto anything you say because I'm more senior than you. Do you know what the... And I can also veto anything you say. You can't veto a single thing.

We just need to hatch a plan, speak to the experts, get them in and decide how we attack this. get them in and decide how we attack this. Let's meet the experts who have once again put their reputations on the line to assist us this season. Introducing forensic scientist Jo Millington. I mean, to be honest, I did get quite excited when you said that there's a suitcase because normally when I deal with suitcases, the body falls out of it. In order to confirm that, we would need a reference DNA sample from

him and I'm assuming he's dead. So we might have to apply... Exhume him. Exhume his remains, yeah. Oh God, you could help us with that though, couldn't you? There's a lot of paperwork, but I'm certain it could be done. Brilliant. I just want to know how your career has been affected from season one, if at all. Well, I don't think it's had a massively detrimental

impact on my career. That's good. Yeah, because I've not really told anyone about it. Clinical forensic psychologist Professor Mike Berry. It could have been causing Christine a lot of psychological problems. She could have been quite paranoid about it, thinking, well, people are stalking her, people are watching her, what's going to come next?

Stalkers work on the basis that they like you or they think you're attractive. And then when they get rejected, then they go from kind of a love relationship to a hate relationship. I have been stalked. One of the professional risks of this job is that you do get weird and wonderful people. Did you ever feel that we stalked you to get you involved in this podcast? Right. Do you know, I don't know why I even work with you guys at all it just needs to go from

one thing to another like if i had a career you might have ruined it psychic detective nancy orlin weber currently known at least in social media and documentaries as a psychic detective i have worked with law enforcement for over 41 years. Let's say you help us to solve this case. Detective Lauren, that means you can't really claim that you've solved a case if Nancy cracks it. Yeah, we probably need to work out the roles and responsibilities. Don't we, Nancy?

If you crack the case, you'll basically tell me who did it and then I will reveal who did it. Is this what we're saying? Criminal lawyer, Sam Holden. Will you be getting everyone's consent to wear those secret microphones? We will have a sign that says we may or may not be recording you. Perfect. That's all you need to do. And maybe add in like very tiny, barely visible writing underneath the sign.

If you enter, you consent to being recorded. So you can rely on that later in court. Like an invisible pen or something. Yep, that'd be fine. Is it a crime? I mean, I guess if the panties in that scenario were explosive, you know, there was some sort of potentially lethal explosive device in there, that would definitely be a crime that you'd want to pursue legally.

I think it's exciting. I would, you know, I'm 62 now, and I really hope that I will get the answers before I die. So I'm really happy that you... I have been thinking that I will die unknowing about this, but now I'm getting some hope that this will be solved during my lifetime. Okay, this is a lot of pressure that you're placing on us, Christina. You're saying that the happiness of your death

depends on whether or not we can solve this crime. It would be easier for me to... To die. Yeah. Oh, my God. Now I've got to go home and talk to your son and he'll say, how was the call? And I'll say, your mother will only die a happy woman

if I solve this crime. Here's a sneak peek into what's going to go down this season. There was something that we found that we're currently processing in the lab, and that is a small grey hair that we found inside the suitcase. And that hair looks very much like it could belong to you. Could you explain how your hair could have got into the suitcase and that hair looks very much like it could belong to you. Could you explain how your hair could have got into the suitcase? Just take a deep breath.

We'd like to draw your attention to exhibit A. Not B, this is A. Exhibit B. It's not funny, it becomes, I think, quite almost sadistic. Hey Karen, when you

were heading on all the suspects, you know was that probably the best way to get a confession from them? If you put your fingers in that toaster and we asked you the same questions. If it was plugged in and we

put it down on setting four, which is like a warm roast, and we were about to push the old lever, what would you then say? Would you prefer to do the lie detector first or the DNA sampling first? The mouth swab. Just if you could run it inside your mouth.

Lovely. Nice DNA you've got there. And I have a sneaky suspicion that you're more involved than you've been letting on. He's watching us approach him and we're watching him watch us. I don't think he knows what he's in for. If you're guilty, you circle yes.

If you're innocent, you circle no. What are you doing? Gather round, everybody. Gather round. Oh, God. I don't think there's any serious behaviour going on here and I'm about to get really angry. What are you doing? Gather round everybody, gather round. Oh God. I don't think there's any serious behaviour going on here and I'm about to get really angry. Get inside.

You wouldn't lie to us, would you? Because we know where you live now and where you sleep. Your Facebook page shows us you were in town. You little shit. Now we've got you. Did you plant a tiny three-piece corduroy suit on the victim's veranda? Okay, that's it. Then I've got one final trick.

And you're not going to like this, and I'm sorry I had to come to this. It's our moment. We don't have much time to solve this crime. It's now or never. It's very intense, actually. It's like succeed or fail.