WHOA That's Good Podcast - Answering Your DM’s w/ Team LO: Sex, Singleness, and Isolation

Episode Date: July 29, 2020

Sadie and Team Live Original dive into the Whoa That's Good DMs and answer your questions. Listen in as they discuss physical boundaries in relationships, how to support friends walking through depression, and how to cultivate time with Jesus in seasons where it feels difficult.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Welcome back to the WoW That's Go podcast fam. I am so pumped for today because we're going to get real on this podcast, like for real for real. Were you going to be answering some of y'all's DMs? I know, keep saying we and you're like, who I know y'all are dying to know. Actually my team is back, so we got Morgan, what up, Courtney, Hey, and Steph. Yeah. She said, yeah.

She's called, she's from Michigan. She is. That's our excuse for her all the time. Any weird thing Steph says, she's from Michigan. Oh, man. You don't say weird things, you're just safe, things weird. You mean like, calendar?

Exactly. Just right here. But we're so pumped to have the team back because a lot of you and I learned a lot from our team podcast and I've been doing some answering DMs and I couldn't think of better people to ask them. I team to help give you all some advice because they give me so much advice.

So let's start this out. Y'all I'm not gonna lie, we're gonna start out strong, all right? So who's ready to talk about sex? What? Let's talk about sex. That was thinking that and I was just doing it. Yeah, we're going there on the podcast today for sure because a lot of people ask the

same question. And I feel it for a long time. I kind of avoid this question because it makes everybody feel awkward. It makes me feel awkward. I don't know how real you get with people, what you do share, what you don't share. But at the same time, I think we do need the speech of this topic. We shouldn't be ashamed of this topic. This is something God created. It's a beautiful design.

And so we should totally talk about it. And so this is a deal we got. And I'm actually just going to read the whole thing. Obviously, we're not saying who sent it, but it was just super accurate to something I experienced and I felt like I should read it because I feel like a lot of other people have probably experienced this as well. But they say my boyfriend and I are pretty sure we are going to get married one day. We both want to wait until marriage for sex and all that surrounds it and we both want to do it God's way.

The problem is it feels like no matter how much we say that and pray about it together and separately we release struggle with it. We haven't slept together but we're both really physical and struggle to keep it pure and we are constantly having to confess to God about how far we've gone. It feels like we do stuff, feel guilty about the stuff, confess and pray that God will help us, feel better, can't help but do the same stuff again. And the cycle goes on and on. We have so much love for each other and just really want to express it in a physical way.

And we know that one day we'll be able to do that stuff and it will be in a pure context. But how do we get there? It just feels so repetitive and I decay what else to do. First of all, that's so real. And you're not crazy and you're not alone. I know so many people fill this way and I just like applaud you for your bravery to ask somebody, even if it is over DMs.

First of all, I just wanna say, I have like walked that story out for sure. And it wasn't with Christian and that's what I wanna talk to you about it because you said we're pretty sure we're going to get married. And I could have thought the same thing. When you're in a relationship, especially if you're going at it from a biblical point of view,

you hopefully are dating people with the intention that you want to marry them. So anybody that you date, you should intend that maybe this is the person that I'm going to marry. But at the same time, that is not the person you are married to. And sex, as we know, was designed for the context of marriage, not because God wanted you to wait and like, withhold all of that love that you have for each other

and make it so hard and all that same things. Just because God knows how powerful that is. And that literally is a thing that makes you become one flesh for somebody. And the only person you really wanna be one with is the person that you're committed to the rest of your life with. And so there's beauty to sex. Obviously, it's what God designed, but it's obviously something that we're going to

struggle with in a relationship because we want to be married to that person, but we're not yet. And so therefore, we don't want to dabble in those things, but what you said is so real. Like I said, I had struggled with the same thing. I just felt like it just kept happening. And we talked about it, prayed about it, but honestly, like, we kept setting ourselves up to get in the same position.

Like, we knew, like, and you might know, you know what it is. Like, maybe it's like, I know every time we watch a movie, this is going to happen. Well, then maybe you need to change your date night. Like, maybe don't watch a movie by yourself upstairs. Like, maybe play games with each other. Like, play a board game, play spicy uno, call your friends over, hang out, go to Topgoth

if it's opened during this time. Like, go and do something, be in front of people. Don't put yourself in the position, just keep going back into the same cycle. If you wanna break a cycle, like, you gotta actually actually change, you know? And I think a lot of times we hope something changes, but we don't actually do anything about it changing.

I'm actually writing something right now on the difference between wishing something will happen and intending for something to happen. To wish something will happen is just to just, oh yeah, hope it happens, but it probably won't, because the same thing keeps happening, but to intend something, to make an intention, it means to have an actual plan and an aim

for something to happen. So maybe it's, okay, tonight, we are going to go here, we're gonna go there, we're gonna invite people over, because we do not wanna fall into that same pattern. And also a reminder, so why you don't wanna fall into that pattern. I think it's so hard when you're like,

I can't do this or I can't do that. Cause like you said, you genuinely love that person. But Christian and I, because when we start dating, we're like, we do not want to do that. Like we want to be different. And we just kept in the back of our minds the reason why we don't want to is because we truly desire to see God's plan for our life. But everybody says, well, sex being so great great for mirrors, we want to see that. We don't want to go through the struggle of all this that has hurt us in the past. We want to see that.

Walking that out was so beautiful and trust me. It was amazing. After you get married, and there's not all those, the guilt and the shame and the cycle and all that. It's just freedom. It's so great. But we had to set intentions for that. And we still slipped up at times, but it never became a cycle because we truly were both on the same page.

That's what I just really encourage you. You'll both have to be on the same page and desire. God's will for y'all's life and keep that as your motivation not just right and wrong. I think that's going to help a lot. That's just my two cents. And you know, Christian and I, like I said, we both did it the wrong way so many times, but the time we were together, we were like, we so desired to do it the right way, that we got really serious about it. But I actually asked some questions to friends around me

because even dating Christian and with other people just advice. And so I actually wanted to let some of my teams begin to this too, because actually my team helped me during that time and that was so beautiful. So guys, you wanna kind of share a little bit on it? I can share, Sadie, I think that's so good.

And you're right, you did come to us and you mentioned that like intentionality and I think that this totally applies to this. So in the DM, the friend said that the couple spent a lot of time confessing over and over to the Lord, which I would agree is the number one thing that you could do. But honestly, also Sadie coming from a place of experience, I have learned from my mistakes

that it's not just about confessing to the Lord, like the Lord's asked that we would do that first, but then also he's given us people to mirror him and to be in community with. And so I would just say, like I think it's so important to be able to have those people in your corner to also confess to A.K.A. the simple way to say it is just you need accountability.

You need people who can speak into your life. You need to shatter that glass window that you have to be perfect for the people around you. And you need those people that say, okay, I have seen the worst. Like you've told me all, like don't stop now and the people that like, you don't have to look at and say, but they only knew, like, girlfriend already knows. So go to her again and again and again, like have those people.

And so I think that was the biggest thing for me. And the biggest failure in my relationships prior to getting married to my husband Ryan was just like, I had no accountability. I was so in love. I was so in the clouds that I wanted to be our own thing. But I genuinely believe the day you get married is the day you start your autonomous relationship. And it doesn't even fully just start there.

Like you have community forever. But up until that point, you don't have the privilege to have that autonomous relationship with your boo. Like it is for others to speak into, to love, you enough to keep you accountable. And so I think that was the biggest thing for me for sure. So good. Bring it Morgan. Come on, Howard.

Let's go. That was good. Yeah, this is court here. I feel like this is such just a good, honest conversation. I'm already blown away just by listening to both you, Sadie and Morgan, just your experiences. You and the person that you're dating being on the same page. And just like Sadie said, sometimes you actually have to make a change and you're capable of making a change. So if that means that you can't kiss without going farther, then stop kissing.

You know, and that sounds so drastic, but I wish people would have really told me that you really need to be a teammate with the person you're dating. You both have to hold each other accountable. There's no good cop, bad cop, like y'all are on the same team, y'all are on the same page.

And so my advice for those who might be in just a cycle of repeating maybe that guilt and that shame and crossing boundaries is just pause and just say, okay, what is our boundary? It's good. And that might be a pretty drastic boundary depending on how great your temptations are. And I think those boundaries leading up to sex can look different for every couple. I'm not saying it's right or it's wrong, but it really looks different depending on how much of the temptation

those boundaries are for you and the person you're dating. Yeah. And so set those boundaries, live and free them in those boundaries. It is a beautiful thing when we say, hey, no, we're not doing this because we believe there's more. Yeah. I'll never forget the time that my husband now, but when we are dating, we were really struggling with this. Just what is our boundary and what do we do? And we took a physical fast for a month.

You guys, we did not kiss for a month. That's awesome. And I just remember thinking, is this weird? But actually, it was the most beautiful, fun month of our dating because we really just got to focus on like who we are and one growing closer to each other but two growing closer to the Lord. That's awesome.

Don't be afraid to make a change if you need to make a change and just know that God will meet you where you're at. It's good. And that you don't have to be in a loan with it. That's so good. I love that. Wow. And like Quiritt says, you kept saying, boundary and I know this is probably another deal

and we'll get what is the boundary? And she kind of said like, it might look different for different people. You know, you don't want to judge other people for their boundary or, you know, whatever. Everybody is accountable to their own conviction. And that is what I want to hit on. You know your boundary. Like, you might say that you don't know your boundary and you want a pastor to say, this is the boundary or you want us to say, this, say this and this is too far or that's not good or that's the boundary.

But like, honestly, like your heart knows the boundary, your conviction knows the boundary. If you are wanting and desire in the will of God, then you are probably filled with the spirit of God and that spirit will instruct you when too far as too far. And if you have guilt and you have shame and you don't have peace, then you're probably crossing your boundary. But when you're walking the Lord, you're not going to have that shame, because that's not what the Spirit of God produces. You will have the fruit of the Spirit of God, that love, that joy, that peace,

the self-control, all those things. So your boundary line should be determined by what fruit is your life and your relationship producing. And I think if you let that actually be the truth that you're walking in, you'll find that you're not going to struggle as much for sure. Alright, so we'll move on to the next question. I know we spent some time on that, but honestly, I think it's so important. Like, y'all all probably know somebody struggling with that if it's not you.

So text the person you've been nervous about saying all those things to. And hopefully, we can be your sisters and friends from afar, just helping you in your relationships because we all get it. You know, like, we're not judging any of you. We get it, but we also know the freedom that's in Christ and how awesome it is. And so we want to share the truth with you all. Next question says,

do you ever feel like you have a hole in your heart because you weren't in a relationship? How'd you deal with that? I know my faith and guy can't please me, but it's so hard to remember that and trust it sometimes. And Steph's actually get a talk to us about this one because she says she's experienced it herself.

For sure, I definitely have experienced this because I think I've shared this a little bit on the blogs or some of the things that we've done, but being single, I really have been single for a while. I've had not a lot of long-term relationships and that's a really vulnerable thing to say out in the atmosphere because I think when you say that, it oftentimes, at least for me, makes me think, oh gosh, there's something wrong with me.

Or what's in my missing something, or it kind of like that anxiety starts to creep in, like something's wrong with me. And so just reading that DM, I really sympathize with this friend of ours that's talking about feeling like I have a hole in my heart or I'm missing something because I have had experiences like that. But I also feel like in seasons where I've started to feel like I'm missing something, I really have to like obviously turn to Jesus. I need him to fill me. I need him to be the thing that is like my stability, my strength.

And remember, like he is my portion over and over in scripture talks about how, you know, like, Lord, you are my portion, you fill me in like the truth of that. And also, too, like, to think, what am I looking for in a relationship to fill me? So if we have this hole in our heart, and then we start dating somebody, is that hole going to suddenly be filled? No, it's not. No, humans ever going to fill that hole in our heart, which I think begs an even deeper question of what are we trying to fill this hole with? And if it's not a relationship, it might be money, or it might be power, it might be status, it might be, you know, all these things are lives that we're trying to fill. And I think to say, I have a hole in my heart because I'm not in a relationship, I think, you know, you can easily fill that with a relationship, but that hole is still going to be there.

Yeah, that's true. I think my deepest advice to our friend here is to really ask herself, you know What are you wanting to fill that hole with? Yeah, Jesus enough Yeah, that's so good is Jesus enough. Yeah, like I've said that question can be so broad like you can ask yourself that question and So many different areas like is Jesus enough when I don't have a job? Is Jesus enough in 2020 when I don't know what my next move is? Is Jesus enough when I'm not in a relationship? Is Jesus enough when I don't have the paycheck? I thought I was going to have when I don't have the platform

that I was going to have. And that's a question I think we should all ask. So that's really good stuff. I love that. All right, so the next thing we got was what advice do you have for us? Sister and a friend who is struggling with depression. Morgan's actually going to tackle this one. Yeah, this is big because I'll just be honest. You either have a friend that you know of that struggling with depression

or you have a friend that you don't know that they're struggling with depression. That depression is so running rampant in our culture and there's so much grace for that. I believe that Jesus, like if anything, he went to the cross for the healing of depression. But in terms of knowing how to be there for a friend, I would just say your words are important,

but your presence is more important. I think so often we don't know how to start conversations about depression or even if we see a friend and they come to us, we're like, what am I about to say when they finish telling me that they're really struggling? Cause I don't have the answers. But I think by far the most important thing you could do is show up and follow up. There's such a difference between

solitude and isolation and I feel like from what I've seen with the people in my life, when someone is genuinely struggling with depression, isolation is a feeding ground for deeper and deeper depression. And I think we need to understand here, the difference in solitude and isolation. Jesus was such an advocate for solitude. We see him over and over and over again, go to the airamos, go to the wilderness, like be in solitude with the father and with himself.

And then isolation is nothing like solitude. Isolation is pulling away from what you know is good for you. It's not getting away to spend time with the Lord. It's getting away to breathe those unhealthy thoughts over and over and over again. And so I think as a friend, we need to identify. Are they moving towards solitude or are they moving toward isolation? And show up. Don't wait for that friend to come to you at that point. Go after them. Don't make it about you. Make it about your friend that really needs you. Need your presence. And so don't ever think your words. I think a simple, hey, I'm here for you. I love you.

If so many people praying for you, that love you, that's enough. We don't have to reinvent the wheel. God defined love. We don't have to redefine love. We can just say we love you. God loves you. We're here for you. So just encourage your friends.

Like if you see a friend struggling, move toward them and follow up with them, we'll run over again. I love it. You said Morgan because I think it's really easy sometimes, like friends that are struggling with up with them. I love it. I love it. You said Morgan, because I think it's really easy sometimes, like friends that are struggling with depression, we might not know it, but then like, they're kind of not around anymore. They start to hang out less and less,

and I think it's easy to be like, well, they're not reaching out to me. Right. They don't wanna hang out, but it's like, maybe something really is going on in their life, and we need to reach out and touch base with them and see what's going on in their life that they're not around, and that's so important.

Just to make it blunt, your friends who are struggling with depression, they're not thinking about you. Yeah. Like they're not and that's okay. And just the quicker we can learn that our friends who are struggling are not thinking about us, they're thinking about themselves and they actually need us to also think about them in that moment and pull them up. Like I think there's grace for that.

Yeah. And I think we can be the friends who move toward those friends. Yeah, that's good. I love it. I'm really glad that people are asking these tough questions because I know these are questions that you're scared to ask other people. You know, that you wouldn't be synendiums

if you were getting advice from the people in your life, you know? And so I do encourage you, like, if you have people in your life who you see that are wise or that are godly or just rooting themselves in scripture, like ask some questions too because it's so healthy to like talk about these kind of things. This is just my team. These are some of my best friends and my bridesmaids. Like this is pretty much just our normal conversations on recording.

Like I hope that you'll get to a place in your friendships that you can talk about these real things. I thought this was a good one. It says, hey, I have a question. I'm wondering, what do you think about following your heart? Do you think it's severely overrated? Like, we have these earthy ambitions to be doctors or business lady or just earthy things in general. I just wonder sometimes, do we follow those or is that Satan trying to stir us away? But when you feel like God is calling you to something else, is it hard to give up? Any advice? So kind of went a lot of different ways in this DM, but what I really want to talk to

about is how she said, what do you think about following your heart and is it Satan or is it God? Not those different things. And I just want to encourage all that. My mom would always say, if you're following your heart, you don't want to just follow your heart. Like, you want to follow God. You want to follow God's way.

And like, you don't want to think of yourself too much, you know? So I think sometimes your heart can lead you in their own direction. Sometimes you can have different ambitions for different reasons. And sometimes those are good things. And my mom would also say, give yourself the grace. Like God is going with you any place you go. Like if it's a good thing and you feel like a piece of it and you go, like God's not gonna leave you high and dry

because you become a doctor. Like God's gonna use those hands that you gave you to do the work that you've done. So my mom would tell me, like don't overthink this question. But at the same time, because I do overthink all things, I think my mom is 100% right. But I want to read your Proverbs 3.5, which is a verse a lot of people know,

but maybe you never heard it or maybe you need to hear it again, but it says, trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding and all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight. And so I think take the pressure off yourself to lead your life or even following your heart, but if you know that the Lord is who your heart trusts, then follow your heart, like follow God inside of you. Don't lean on your own understandings, but in all of your ways that you're going through life,

acknowledge Him and God will make your path straight. And so you don't wanna overthink it, you know, I even hear that in your DM because that would be me. It's like, is it Satan? Is it God? Is this is that mom would be like, chill. God is good and he is in you

and wherever you decide he's gonna be with you. But at the same time, don't just follow earthly things just for the sake of following it. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and all your ways acknowledging it. And he will make your path straight. And so I hope that that brings some truth. And I think anytime if you're wondering, you know, what's truth and what's not, just go to the word.

If what you're saying aligns with what you're reading, then you're on a great track, you know, but go to the word to be your guide. I think these deams were great. I actually do want to ask one more because I want court to touch on it. Somebody asked about morning routines and I get this question all the time. How do you keep a morning routine? How do you keep up with your everyday devotions and I want a court to hit on this and then we'll close.

Sadie, it's funny you're making me answer this because just a few moments ago, I said, I have a terrible morning routine right now. Oh! So confession, whoever sent that DM or whoever's listening to this and maybe feeling just really disconnected from just their quiet time with the Lord, whatever time of day that is, I'm sitting here just saying, me too,

I feel you, you are not alone. And this happens to everyone at some point in different seasons. So I think the first step there is, don't worry, nothing's wrong with you. God is not decent. He is still near. And I think when I'm in these seasons and this happens to me, the first thing I try to think about is, so what is distracting me from sitting alone with God? And I think don't focus too much on the actual sitting with God because you're quite a time can look like all different things.

And I think just really think about, what are those things that are distracting me from just focusing my eyes or turning my ears toward him? And I think if you're honest with yourself, you'll probably come up with a couple things. Maybe journal them down, maybe text a friend, and once you're kind of aware of those things,

then you'll start to know when those things come up, oh, I need to turn to God, or I just need to focus my eyes on him. And I might only be a minute here or there, and I'll tell you this too, and these times where I struggle with just really being alone, sometimes I actually need to be with friends to help me going again on my routine of being in the word and journaling and listening to God and listening to worship music and sometimes it doesn't look like being alone.

Sometimes it looks like starting doing with a friend and just say, hey, I'm really struggling with this right now. Like can I go sit with you at coffee and can we both do a quiet time together? Good. And so I just I really encourage you if you're struggling to be alone and to do that and really hear the Lord like don't hesitate to reach out for a friend because there's still beauty and unity when two or three are gathered in his name, he can meet you there too. And so I hope that just helps encourage you where you're at and just know that God is near

always even when you don't feel like he's close to you. He is so near and he's just waiting for you to just tune out the distractions long enough to just really soak on what he has to say to you. So good, I love that. And it's funny, I did it, put you on the hot side, even though you just confessed that. And the reason I did is because, honestly,

and all of y'all have really, but Quart, I've seen her have a baller morning routine. You have been in New Morning Mercy since I met you, and that was three years ago. And new morning mercies also was a book that I really want to get. And we're going to actually just tell me she was going to give me a copy. I have two. Because she has two. But it's like so many of my friends do it.

And I am always so inspired because I'm not lying, you know, I am very ADD. Sometimes I can hone in, but most of it is very hard for me but I'm so close to the Lord in so many different ways and I do read a lot and I have my time. It just looks different to other people but core, I've always been really inspired by her morning routine. So I was like, you would be perfect to answer this. She's like, actually I'm not doing so great but I thought that was really cool because you know, even the people you look at and you're like, well they're like, well, they're like killing it,

they got the mortar and seeing God must be like, loving them. And they're like, no, like it's hard for me to sometimes, sometimes I mess up, but God is so near. And that's the thing we can't forget. Like we don't want to be too religious and legalistic that we actually miss how amazing God is. You're like, God is so near.

He's not mad at you. He's not distant from you. Like God doesn't distant himself from you. Like you distance yourself from God in the minute that you turn to him and walk his direction. Like, he is there. Like, talk about the prodigal son. And so I just hope that all this encourages you, man.

We talked about sex. We talked about depression. We talked about singleness. We talked about morning routines and all kinds of different things. But I know these are things that you guys are truly wondering and just want a friend to answer. So I hope this helped, and y'all always the fam,

we'll keep it real. I love you guys, and we'll see you who's on the podcast next week, and I'll see you guys there too. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh. Thank you so much for listening to the WoW That's Good Podcast. I have so much fun doing this, I hope you'll have fun listening.

And don't forget to follow me on Instagram at legitcityrob and follow the podcast at WoW That's Good Podcast. I don't know where it's a live original dot com to see when I'm in a city near you or visit live original blog on our online store which carries my exclusive words by city rob line. Also, be sure to subscribe to my podcast and leave comments so we can hear what you're loving. Also, when you give a special shout out to my audio engineer Marcus Depala, the whole team at United Talent Agency and my live original team. You guys are awesome and hey, so are all of you too. Thanks so much for

listening.