WHOA That's Good Podcast - The Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship | Sadie Robertson Huff & Freddie Amos

Episode Date: July 15, 2024

How can you spot the warning signs that your relationship isn't healthy? Sadie and LO counselor Freddie Amos sit down to answer some of your questions and talk about red flag behaviors, gaslighting, how to get OUT of a bad relationship, reasons NOT to stay in a bad relationship, whether you should you get back together after breaking up, and is it an ICK or do you just not like him? As Sadie says, let them be the first light to shine on some of the hidden things in your life and then go find sisters and friends to help walk beside you and pray for you in whatever situation you're in. This Episode of WHOA That's Good is Sponsored by: https://hungryroot.com/whoa — Get 40% off your first delivery and free veggies for life. https://www.drinklmnt.com/whoa — Get a FREE LMNT Sample Pack with any purchase! https://preborn.com/sadie — Visit the website or dial #250 and use keyword BABY to donate now. - Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Visit amex.ca slash ymx. Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. ["I'm On My Way Now"] What's up everybody? Happy Monday. I hope you're having a great start to your week. Guys, I want to be for real with you. We have been so excited for this episode to not only come out, but to really record it. It's been highly anticipated because Freddy, one of my best friends and also counselors up here at LO, she meets with the girls here. She also helps host the LO's sister podcast and does all kinds of things up here.

Me and her have been talking about relationship red flags and that is something that you guys have asked us to talk about a lot and it's a hard thing to tackle. There's so many things we could talk about, but we finally put forth some of the DMs that you guys have sent in alongside of some of the things we've talked about. And we're gonna discuss it on today's episode.

But before we get into that, one of the main things that came up that brought this podcast about was this one little thing Freddie said on the podcast two years ago or so when she was on the podcast that has literally haunted her ever since. And she was like, I need to come redeem that and like finish my thought.

And so Freddie, tell us what you left everyone with the cliffhanger on. So you had asked me, like, what would advice be for someone that's listening to this podcast and they're kind of feeling like maybe to like do something in the relationship, kind of alluding to like a breakup. And I literally said, just do it, like just break up.

And you kind of repeated it like, okay, like just do it. And I remember thinking like, there's so much more I want to say about that. But in that moment, if I was a listener, I needed someone to just say, do it. Like don't even think twice about it, because that's how heavy it was on my heart. But I've literally like laid awake at night going,

gosh, I wish I could talk more about that because it's way easier to just say, do it. But that's really the push I needed because I was so stuck and I was waiting for a sign and I kept praying like, Lord, give me sign to break up. What should I do? Like, I need you to be clear in my direction. And then I was like, well, just do it.

Like that's the clear instruction. But I was like, okay, I need to elaborate. There's way more than just like saying you're gonna do it. There's so much stress and anticipation and worry and anxiety that goes into it. And so I was like, okay, we need to redeem that conversation. Which it was a great conversation and the advice was good, but I totally understand your heart

because I don't remember that, but I can see myself saying, just do it, you heard the girl, you know? That is literally word for word what you said. I guess I know myself. But I think what I thought of in that was yes, relationships that I was in, I definitely needed to hear someone say, just do it.

Like, do it, just rip the bandaid off, break up. But at the same time, knowing where I was at and the state my mind was at, that felt impossible to just do. And so I think that's where your wrestle came with, where it was like, I needed someone to tell me to just do it, but I also know how hard it is to just do it. And so we're gonna talk about relationship red flags,

and if you need to get out of a relationship, how to know you should get out of the relationship, and then how to actually do it. Get the confidence to do it and then stay out of it. I think that's the hardest part. I also wanna say, you know, Freddie is a counselor, so she might step into counselor mode at times, but she's also a friend who is just a friend

to all of you guys who had relationships in the past she had to get out of and then is now happily married with a baby and all of the things. So we're going to kind of bounce in and out of maybe her being like counselor hat and also just like friend hat of sharing from personal experiences. And for me too, you know, I'm now married to Christian.

We have two amazing girls. I'm so grateful for where I'm at in life. And the reason why we come on and do podcasts like this and maybe share some of past experiences, not because we're living in the past. These are things that we actually, when we were talking about doing this podcast, he was like, gosh, I can't even remember so much of that.

But let's think a little bit into maybe some of the things we experienced if it would be helpful for girls who are in that stage. And so we can say on the other side of it, just doing it is the best thing you can do for yourself because it's setting you up for your future. But we're gonna also empathize and relate to how painful we knew it was.

Okay, so let's start with some bad reasons to stay in a relationship. Because the truth is, some of you guys are holding on to a relationship that you don't even need us to tell you what red flags are. The red flags are popping. Like it is all red, fire alarms going off, but you're staying in the relationship

for one reason or another. Let's talk a little bit about what are some bad reasons for people to stay in a relationship that they know is wrong? I think the biggest one is if you've had sex. I mean, I feel like that's what, as the counselor, I've seen a lot of, but also just like as a college student when I was in college, like that was a large reason

why a lot of people stay in relationships. Whether I heard that from younger girls or like I heard through the grapevine, you know, of like reasons. And it's just such a bad reason because just because you've broken that covenant with your future husband doesn't mean that you don't get to have that redemption story of like,

gosh, I made this mistake. I don't have to stay in the relationship. Just because you've lost something. I don't even want to say lost something because that kind of gives this illusion that you can't ever get it back. That purity back, it's way, way more important to get out of a relationship than to stay with someone

because you had sex. Another one we talked about was like, just because you dated them for a long time, doesn't mean you need to stay. Like the fear of starting over. I've heard so many people say like, I just don't want to start over. And I felt that way.

Like, I just don't want to start over. Like you've invested so much, but man, like even if it's two years, you know, three years, four years, whatever, like compared to the rest of your life, like, you look at it a lot different when you compare it to the rest of your life, you know? And it's so worth it to start over with someone

that is like the right person to start with, because then it sets you up for your entire future. So like, imagine your grandparents, like maybe you have great grandparents who have been married for 40, 50 years, and then you probably don't even know about their high school relationships, but odds are they had one,

and maybe it lasted for a year, and what if they were like, oh, I just don't want to start over? And then you miss out on a 40 year relationship with the right person, and the kids and the grandkids, think bigger than that. But I love also going back to the reasoning people say

is because they've gone too far sexually and as definitely not a reason to stay in a relationship, God can redeem all things. And you know what's so cool about purity is we get to claim purity, not because we're so pure, but because Christ has made us pure because of the blood of Jesus. And so no matter how far you've gone,

no matter how many times, there are many people, right here, right now, you can wash the slate clean with Jesus. And so, yeah, definitely don't stay in relationship because of that. We talked about also, you're worried you won't find someone else. Mm-hmm. You know, you're just like, I guess I'll just stay here, because at least I have somebody. Yeah.

I know for me, when I was contemplating breaking up with my high school boyfriend, I was like, gosh, I just am so scared of the heartbreak. Like I'm scared of what that feeling's going to be like. It was more so fear rather than anything else of the reason I was staying, which is such a bad reason. Staying because you're scared, because you

don't want to be alone. You don't want to go through the process of healing from a relationship that's been in your life three, four, five, six years. I mean, that's hard. That's really hard to walk away from a six-year relationship. Mine was not that long. But just thinking about some of the people

that probably are in these really long term relationships to go, you just don't understand. It's not like we've been dating for a few months and we got really attached really fast. There's years of our lives together. And I just think that the fear is not worth it. The fear doesn't mean you should stay. Because the truth is,

you say you're scared of the heartbreak, but you're already heartbroken. You know? It already hurts. And when I look back at it, I can see that. Whereas I couldn't see it in the time, I'd be so scared of how hard a break it would be. But the heartbreak was already there.

The anxiety was already there. The lack of peace was already there. And actually, like breaking up, even though it is really hard, I won't sugar coat that, is the start of healing your heart. So when you, it's so much easier to see when you're not in it than when you're in it, but I remember that and walking through friends.

I walked with friends who had been in five, six year relationships who got out of it and are now happily married. And I'm like, man, that time, even though it was so hard, it seems so short and small now that we're on the other side compared to how good it was going to come. And like some people, you might even live with this person

and you're just dating, but you know it's not right, still, that matters. If it's not right, it's not right. And I think that when we actually look at all of these that we have kind of written down for bad reasons to stay, like you've gone too far sexually, you don't want to start over with someone else, you are worried that you won't find someone else.

And even another one I put was, you've hidden so much together. Because I think when I look back, so much of what bonded me to the other person was we were hiding so much from people together. Like our sin was our secret, and weirdly it bonded us, but like that's a really, really bad reason to say,

because you both need help. Like I'm not putting the blame on the other people in the relationships, like I needed help, you know? And so like bonding, me bonding with someone over like secret sin is a reason that you both need to get out of the relationship. And I think when you look at all of these bad reasons to stay, most all of them are under the umbrella of fear.

And so if you're staying in a relationship and the core reason you're staying is because of fear, that is a really, that should be a red flag in your mind that it's something you need to get help in to get out of. Whether you get help with friends, counselor, a parent, a pastor, but you need help. As a counselor, do you like have you talked to people in dating relationships, like not just marriage? Do you ever have you taught to people in dating relationships?

Like not just marriage, do you ever have? Okay. So that's something to go to counseling for. Yeah. I don't know about you all, but the last thing I want to do when I come home from work is go to the grocery store. I just want to get home with my girls.

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so that they know we sent you there. I have people that'll come and they're like, I'm in this relationship and like, they'll start with it's a communication thing. And then the more we dig into it, it's like, no, this isn't a communication thing. There's like a deeper problem of you're unhappy. You're not wanting to get out of the relationship,

but you want to get out of the relationship. You're trying to convince yourself that that person's better for you than they actually are. Convincing yourself they're better, so true. And that's such a hard thing to recognize that you're doing. And that's also why hard thing to recognize that you're doing. And that's also why we don't want to hear other people say that is because that means like,

oh gosh, I'm hiding something. Like I'm hiding the reality of my relationship from other people. And I think when I've had clients come in for their dating relationships, they're trying to convince me that that person is good. And when I kind of start repeating what they're saying and pointing out the inconsistencies, that's when they realize like, oh gosh, they're not who I think they are.

Because you can create such a romantic view of your partner because you're like in love. You're blinded by love. My mom used to always say that, like, if you want to really know what your relationship is like, ask the people around you that are with you all the time, because you're gonna be blinded by something in the relationship. I think, you know, this is so good, gosh,

because I'm thinking about myself, that was so me, like filtering my relationship to other people, because I wanted to convince them it was good people because I wanted to convince them it was good because I wanted to convince me it was good because I didn't want to get out of it. And one of the DMs we got was, number one, red flags in relationships. And what I was going to say was constantly making excuses

for the other person's behavior or your own behavior and filtering what it looks like to everyone on the outside when, like, you know it's bad. And I think if like, if you're telling people about how your relationship is, more than you're willing to listen to what other people view a relationship, that's just like something to note.

Because if you're in a bad relationship, you probably don't want to hear it. And so you're trying to just like convince everyone that it's okay. But man, if you're able to actually sit and listen to other people and what the heck to say, it's probably a good sign that you're trying to just convince everyone that it's okay. But man, if you're able to actually sit and listen to other people and what they had to say, it's probably a good sign that you're in a relatively healthy relationship

that you're willing to work towards. If you're just trying to convince, you're probably just wanting to stay in that complacency. Yeah, I remember I was in high school and I was sitting with one of my friends in her car and my boyfriend and I had broken up and got back together.

And I was just, I don't know why I asked her this question I really wasn't looking for an answer I think I was just kind of in a space mentally where I wanted reassurance that I made the decision to get back into the relationship and like that was a good thing but I wasn't ready for her honesty and I straight up asked her I said do you think I'm gonna marry him? And she did not even flinch, she said, no. And I was like, oh, someone is telling me that they don't think I'm making the right decision.

And that was really hard to hear, but it sticks out in my mind because I needed that friend to really be honest with me and challenge me. And she didn't bombard me. She didn't tell me that, you know, I was horrible for making this decision. She just lovingly told me like, no, I don't think you will. And that made me go, okay, I'm making bad decisions by staying in this relationship. Yeah.

Isn't that crazy how like one thing from somebody can make you go, oh, like if you actually let someone speak into it. And I remember very similarly, I had gotten in and out of the same really show back and forth, break up, get back together, break up, get back together. And I remember there's so many things that I would not tell my friends or my family that happened at the show because I knew

if I shared that, it would be over for me because no one would let me get back in it. So I just didn't tell anybody. So I like kept those things tucked in. And then I remember after like one of the final times that I had finally like been like, okay, I'm gonna get out of this relationship. It was like six months later, like after the breakup.

And I was writing to the movie with my mom. Like, I don't know why this like stuck out to me because I haven't even thought about this in so long, but it's kind of cool because for this podcast, I was praying like, God help me remember things that would be helpful for people. I remember driving to the movies with mom and like remembering something in a relationship that I was like, I'm going to tell her

that this was the way this relationship was. And I told her and I don't even necessarily remember, I think her reaction was like heartbroken for me. Like I'm sorry, that's the kind of relationship you were in. I remember her being kind of shocked by the extremeness of kind of where I had gone. But I remember for me telling her that was less about needing her to say something to me.

I already knew it was wrong and bad. I knew it was gonna break her heart, but it was more like accountability for me to know if I tell her this, I'm not going back. Because I knew always, if I open up about this part of the relationship, then everyone would tell me this is a bad relationship and wouldn't let me go back. But I'd held that for so long.

So finally when I said, I wanna tell my mom, this is so vulnerable and embarrassing, and I know it's gonna break her heart, but I know if I want to tell my mom, like, this is so vulnerable and like embarrassing. I know it's going to break her heart, but I know like if I don't, then I don't have any accountability to like those dark parts of my life. And so I think that's really the power of confession. Like if you have those things that are hidden,

you know, like you know what they are. And you're probably thinking like, I can't tell anybody this or they'll know it's a bad relationship, but they'll tell me to get out of it. But if you're scared of someone telling you that, then you should ask yourself why. Like, don't you want someone to help you out of it?

You know, because the reality is, you think you want that forever because you're tied to the, you know, bond that you've created for whatever reason. But like, if you really think about it, do you want to marry that person? Is that person going to be the father of your children and the person you spend the rest of your life with?

It's just like the older you get, you realize more gravity to the words I love you and the words of love of my life. And I feel like in high school, you just use those so much. Then when you're older, you realize the weight they hold, especially when you know the love of your life and the person that you're gonna marry

and the part of your kids, you're like, whoa, that's nothing to mess around with. You know? Something that keeps coming to my mind is the embarrassment of what happens behind closed doors with your boyfriend or girlfriend if guys are listening to this. And it's like, that was a big part of my story.

I was truly embarrassed about how I was treated and what was happening, but I didn't know how to articulate that because it felt so far-fetched for anyone to be able to understand what was happening. And it took me years to put language to it. Like I remember I was sitting with my counselor and I'm like married at this point.

And I'm kind of like rehashing some of the wounds that were coming up in my marriage from my past relationship. And she was like, do you realize like this is abuse? Like this is emotional abuse, this is manipulation. And I'm a counselor, I'm studying to be a counselor. And I couldn't even identify that in my own previous relationship.

And I was like, wow, I was manipulated. I was psychologically abused, and I was emotionally abused. And that just never clicked for me until someone pointed it out. But it was so hard for me to understand that because I was so embarrassed for so long. Like I didn't let anyone in because I was like, gosh, it's my fault.

I'm the one that caused all of this. And so I was just hiding it and it just created so much turmoil in me that once I got married and I was in such an incredible relationship, Parker, my husband, he was like, Hey, I like, I love you. You need to talk to someone about this. Because this is not our relationship. Like what you're experiencing is not what's happening

when we're fighting and when we're arguing. Like this is not me. And it's also not fair to me. It's not fair to our marriage that you're responding this way. And so that's a whole other situation that we walked through. Gosh, that's so real though.

Actually, it's so crazy that you say that because I have been listening. This is the second time I mentioned this podcast on this podcast, but it's so heavily in my mind right now because I've been listening to Carl and Laura Lentz tell their story, which I just think is amazing that they're sharing their story so openly, honestly. But it's helped me realize a lot

about my own relationships in the past. And they mentioned that same thing of like, reacting a certain way that like wasn't their relationship with someone from the past. And I remember, actually this was like last week, I went to Christian and I said, hey, like remember how it was when we were dating? Cause I would get like so paranoid

about like where he was all the time. I would get so paranoid about like, why didn't you tell me you're here and your location says this? And it would get like so paranoid about like where he was all the time. I would get so paranoid about like, why didn't you tell me you're here and your location says this? And it would be like nothing. Like one time I remember he was at, I'm actually embarrassed by this, but it was Bonefish Girl, that was it, Bonefish Girl.

And I got so upset about it. And his parents like saw that I was upset because I called him, we were dating. And then they were like telling him like, this is a red flag, like she is like paranoid about where you are. And they had this whole talk with him, then I'm so embarrassed because I'm the red flag person.

I'm the paranoid person. I'm the one that's doubting him always and whatnot. And I actually brought this up last week and I said, that had nothing to do with you. That was not our relationship. That was patterns of like past relationships that I had formed such an insecurity and doubt because most of the time, like when certain of the guys

that I dated like would tell me they're somewhere and they weren't there, they were at a bar. And I was seeing pictures of them with girls. And like, so like I'm, it doesn't matter if you're at Bonefish or wherever you are. It was like the lack of like, I lost trust a long time ago in relationships and I brought that into our relationship. And I told him, I said,

I know I don't do that to you anymore and that's been so long since we were dating. But I was like, I just wanted to say that again. Like that was not, that had nothing to do with how you were in our relationship when you were dating. I was like, you were great. You were always so honest and truthful,

but I just wanted to say that. And so it was just cool how like even continuing in our marriage, like we there, I was like, you were great, you were always so honest and truthful, but I just wanted to say that. And so it was just cool how like even continue in our marriage, like we still bring stuff like that up and like talk about it and continue to have a healthy relationship and making sure like, I'm not bringing stuff from past things into ours now, just like little checks and stuff. That is so good.

And speaking of like, I love how you said, I'm a counselor, I didn't even realize it. So we talked about this before the show, like making sure that we talked about what gaslighting is. And like when people recognize the signs of if they are being manipulated or abused or gaslight. Cause sometimes I had the same situation where I was talking to somebody and they're like,

this is actually verbally abusive. And I was like, what? Like I didn't even know that and manipulative and this is gaslighting. And actually gaslight was like the word of 2023, because it had the most. It was like crazy. I'm going to actually read you the statistics of it.

Is this the picture that you saved to? Or did you? I have something else. OK. This says, OK, 2022 is the word. Webster Dictionary, America's oldest dictionary publisher, has just chosen gaslighting as its word for the year. Searches on its website for the word

have spiked by 1,740% in 2022. According to the company, gaslighting is the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one's own advantage. And what stands out to me is 2022, that word like blows up, people are looking it up. And I noticed that word being used a lot on podcasts. People are telling their stories,

so people are listening and people are wondering like, is this me? Is this where I'm at? And so maybe some of you haven't looked up that word and maybe you don't understand the meaning. And so we wanted to kind of share what that is so you can look for that in your relationship because this is a major red flag. Yeah, there's a resource that I use a lot

called therapist aid and it's free. And it kind of does a lot of simple breakdowns. And so I found this on there and it literally says, gaslighting is a type of manipulation that causes a person to doubt their own belief, sanity or memory. And I think that's so interesting because you're talking about everything in your mind.

Like they don't have to do anything to you physically to make you feel that way, but it breaks it down more to give you like specific things to look for. So denial, like, oh, I never said that. That's not how it happened at all. Distraction, so let's talk about this instead, like trying to deviate the conversation, ignoring or avoidance.

So one of the examples is literally leaving the house and returning hours later, like just completely refusing to talk about it, minimizing. So like it was nothing. It wasn't a big deal. Projecting, I think you're lying to me, you're the problem, not me. Put downs, which I feel like we can all understand this one, but that sounds so crazy that you would say that you're an idiot for talking that way. Sabotage would be like throwing away someone's mail so they can't pay a bill on time, that's the example here,

or damaging the victim's car so they can't leave the house, or threats. So if you can't see things my way, this relationship is over, or if you do that, like I'm gonna ruin your life. And I think it's important to note like within gaslighting because it can be so overused. I'm very cautious in the counseling room

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If you're going to use that word about your story in your situation, make sure that you know it's accurate. Don't like try to make it more dramatic and sound more intense by saying, oh, that person was gaslighting me. Make sure it's truly in line with what it says it is because then we're going to water down that word and it's not going to be as powerful. That's like burnout.

Some of these words become like so trendy and you just use them flippantly, but it's a big deal, and you wanna make sure that that's something that's actually happening to you if it is, and again, not victimizing yourself and making it part of your story if it doesn't need to be. But I think, yeah, I think so much of what we're talking about

is if you are willing to open up to someone else, which you need to be open up with someone else in a relationship, period. Even if it's healthy. If it's healthy, you probably already are. But if you're talking to people about things that y'all are doing and dating, then it's so good because then people can speak into it. People can go like, oh, that's great. Or hey, I heard you say this and that's not normal. People don't talk to people like that that are healthy. I think that that might be an unhealthy way that y'all are communicating.

Or maybe you need help. You need to get out. Actually having these conversations. Okay, now I want to go back to us talking about breaking up and getting back together. Because that's definitely something that we went through and maybe some of you are. And there was actually a question sent in.

Is it a red flag, you know, if you've already broken up with your boyfriend and you want to get back together? And let me just say too, because I know I dated people publicly. I dated a lot of people in my early 20s, or I guess not too early, because me and Christiana met early,

but in my teen years, some were public and some were not. And so please do not assume I'm talking about anyone in this because most likely you don't know who I'm talking about. And so I just wanted to make that note because I think people go to like, oh, you know this person or this person and there's a lot of things you don't know about. Okay, that's my private life.

And that was the things that were hidden that are exposed now to the people that need to know. Anywho, breakups and getting back together. I think that for me it's why are you getting back, okay, actually I'll say this, why did you break up? Because I think it kind of goes back to the bad reasons to stay. Like, are you getting back together

because that person has truly repented and changed and gone through life and you see him, he has mentors in his life, checks in his life, like he's changed, or you've done the work to change because you needed to too, and you got healthy and you got right. And like, this is a coming back together,

but starting a completely new relationship. Or are you wanting to get back together because y'all started flirting again, or because something sexual happened, and you know, the lust is going crazy, the hormones are going crazy or you want to get back together because they are sweet talking you back into the relationship or you just miss them or you're lonely or you feel like social media, you're seeing all these people dating, you want to be in a relationship.

If these are the reasons, it's going to be a no go. It's not healthy. I know so many people that are in both those boats and I think it's really important that you did address like you can't get back together and it can be really healthy. I know so many people that are in both those boats. And I think it's really important that you did address, like, you can't get back together and it can be really healthy. Like, I have friends that they broke up and got back together and now they're married.

Yeah. And it's like, their relationship is great. It wasn't for the same reasons that my relationship broke up and got back together. And it was really easy for me to go, oh, well, it's just not healthy because you broke up. But no, that was immature of me to think that. But I remember, as you're saying this,

I'm just going back to my getting back together and breaking up story. And it was my senior year of high school. And it's really a part of my testimony, too, is kind of what led to all of this. So sometimes I remember it, sometimes I forget it. But I was on this trip, and I was with my senior class and we didn't go to the same high school.

And I accepted Jesus on this senior trip. And I was like so excited to tell him because it's a huge thing, right? And literally the first thing he said to me was, would you be okay if we broke up? That was it. And that should have been my indicator, like never get back together.

Because like that, I am having a life change and he's like, oh, it's time to break up. And that was like truly my first sign from the Lord of like, get out, like get out now. And I just kept going back because I was lonely, because I would miss him. And I remember right after we broke up, like it was horrible. I was devastated. I remember would miss him. And I remember right after we broke up,

it was horrible, I was devastated. I remember I cried to my mom and my dad, and I was very depressed and very sad. And it was not easy. And then the first time he came back in my life, I was like, I know I shouldn't do it, but I'm gonna do it. And I did it. And then we broke up.

And then he came back in my life, and same thing. And then we broke up. And then he came back in my life and same thing. And then we broke up and then we went on a break. And then we were like, okay, we're not gonna talk for a few weeks and just see how it is. And every single time I knew what I needed to do. I needed to end the relationship, but I just didn't do it because I didn't wanna be alone.

I was scared. I wanted that person, it wasn't even him, I just wanted that person in my life. I wanted companionship. I wanted someone to love me and to fill my desire to be in a relationship. And so I think that's a big key point too, is like, if it's just to fill a desire

and it's not necessarily like the person that you like that's a huge indicator. That's a huge, definitely a huge indicator. I think that and that's something a lot of people fall into and I think you have to acknowledge too like with all these bad things that you point out like red flags in that same relationship with all the red flags there's probably really great things too that you love that you've had fun like there's a reason why you stayed. But if there are so many red flags,

there is a relationship, there's a possibility of a relationship that's actually healthy. I don't think I knew that. I don't think. And because I remember everyone saying like, oh yeah, marriage is hard and you argue in marriage. And I was thinking like, this is just the way it is.

And let me clarify, marriage is hard. And yes, you're gonna argue with your spouse, but marriage can also be healthy and beautiful. And you can have arguments and you can have hard times and still honor and respect the other person. And so if you're in a relationship that is disrespectful, dishonoring, toxic, especially abusive, any of those things, but we have fun times too and we're good.

Like, no, not healthy. Like, that's where you need to pause. But if you have a relationship that's like, we argue, we have hard times, but we love, respect, honor each other with the way that we, we don't want to put down. We're not taking away. We're building, you're making the other person better. Like, this is a healthy relationship that's just hard, you know?

Also, I think like, you have to identify too, like red making the other person better. Like this is a healthy relationship that's just hard. Also I think like you have to identify too like red flags in marriage and dating. Most of what we're talking about is dating relationships. If this is a marriage, obviously we're not saying leave. We're not saying like get out. We're saying get help. Go to counseling and make it right.

And so many things in that can bring redemption. Yes, break up, get back together is complex. I think that in this cycle that you speak of is similar to one that I had. And I hate to say waste of time is what it is because I don't think anything's wasted, but it kind of is a waste of time. Because it's like time is passing

and you're going back to who you know you're not gonna marry. And eventually you gotta get on with life because there is gonna be someone that you could possibly marry and you don't wanna be in a toxic cycle of in between this old relationship when the new person comes.

Like you wanna be ready to like fully step into that. So instead of taking that time to go back to toxic traits, like get, you know, help, get good, get whole, get healthy so you can step into the right relationship. Yeah. I strongly believe that one little life can change the world. You just never know who someone is going to become. And we can't know that sort of impact each life is gonna have

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Like you just feel, Lisa, I felt foggy. I felt depressed. I felt like a cloud was over me and I could never get out of it. Like, how do you get out of this relationship? How, like, how do you do that? Like, what does that even look like? Do you just say we're broken up?

Like, what's even my reason to break up? Is it that fight? Is it like, I don't have peace? Like, I don't even know what that means. I don't even know what peace looks like. I don't, it's just, it's so confusing. And I feel like if you're in the thick of that, it's so hard to find the strength or the courage

or even the words to like have a conversation of breaking up. But what's so important is, like we've said so much, is having people around you that can help you. Yeah, having people around you. And two, like, you don't have to, I feel it this way, like, I don't think you, there's, like, you don't have to tell that person every reason why. Like, for me, at least when it came to like breaking out

with people, like to me, I think I've had so, like I had a lot of breakup experiences, some good, some not good. You know, like I did not do it right. This is again, hindsight. And what I feel like I learned from that, I wish I would have kept it a little shorter and just close the door and let God deal with

both of our hearts instead of like trying to like find all the words and the thing, because it's on your heart, not theirs to break up. You know, if it's on your heart, not theirs, if you're the one breaking up. So like, you know, you gotta know it's gonna be hard for that person and it's hard for you. So like grace and empathy for both of you guys

and like try to be honoring and respectful, but I would like keep it shorter than long because if the relationship deserves longer and you feel like you need that and maybe you can have someone help you with what that looks like. But to me, I felt like when it got to the end, I had to do it fast

because if I didn't literally leave the location, I would have got taught back into staying because I would have taught myself back into it and we would have apologized and it would have been fine and then we would be good for two more weeks. Exactly. So I think I needed to like rip the bandaid, like get out. And I think that, again, as we're talking about this,

it's like hard stuff. This is times where you're so confused, you're hurting so bad, but man, God will be with you in it. I learned so much more about the heart of God after all of these painful experiences that I look back. And I'm like, man, that really helped shape me into who I am, dumb mistakes I made that it's embarrassing to look back on,

but thank God for His grace and all of it, and His redemption story and His plan. So I hope what you hear us saying, and even the hardship of it, and the breakup of it, is there is no sugarcoating that it is hard, but at the same time, the way God will hold you if you lean into His hand, and then what He will lead you to is so much better and so worth going through.

So you talked about, um, not really seeing that you were in a manipulative, abusive relationship because it was verbal, but there are obviously other abusive relationships that are playing as day. Can you speak into that a little bit? Yeah, I just, unfortunately, domestic violence is like a real issue. And thinking about stories I've heard and situations that I hear, it's so traumatic. And I was naive, honestly, before being a counselor, like, why don't they just get out of these relationships? Like, they're being abused, just get out,

like, leave, don't talk to them again. But it's way more than the physical. It's the mental, it's the emotional, it's you're nothing without me. You can't do anything apart from me. Like, where are you gonna go? I have all your money. There's financial abuse too.

Like, literally not having enough money to even go to the grocery store to buy your own groceries. Like you have to have permission. And I think there's so much pain in that, that is just not talked about as much as it should be talked about. I think there's a lot of fear. I know there's a lot of fear in those women specifically

and men too, because it's not just women that can experience that. fear in those women specifically, and men too, because it's not just women that can experience that. But to the women specifically, if you're in a physically abusive relationship and you are scared for your life, my encouragement is find a shelter locally, like a domestic violence shelter, an organization, and tell them, ask them, what do I do?

Because I've been in contact with shelters locally and I've heard great advice, like, hey, if you are wanting to leave, know that it's your decision, like, no one's making you. And you have to take responsibility and ownership for that. Know your game plan, know who your safe people are, your safe places, know, like, if they're gonna harm you, where can you go that you know without a shadow of a doubt

you're gonna be safe? They won't find you. And that might be a shelter. And those are really scary things to talk through, but they're so important to address because I just, I get emotional thinking about it now, being a counselor versus just being a human in society when I heard about domestic violence,

the pain of it is so much deeper than a physical wound. It's spiritual, it's mental, it's emotional, and they cannot see out of it. And so also if you're a friend and you feel like your friends are being hit, do what you can to create a safe space for them to talk about it so that they feel seen and heard. That's good.

Gosh, that's so good. Because yeah, you're right. And unless you're in that counselor seat or you've walked with someone closely, you probably don't realize how relevant it is in society, which is extremely sad. But also I hope that what Freddie just said gives you some advice that there is help and there are some things that you can do locally. And whether you don't have a friend talk to you about it, there's actually shelters, which I didn't even know

until you just said that, that you can go to. And so thank you for addressing that. That's huge. Gosh, y'all asked so many good questions. This one was kind of a funny one. I thought this one was funny, but I also thought really good because I can remember back to some of these things. It says, do I, how do I know if it's a red flag

or just an annoying problem? But then someone else asked the question, why do I get an ick from a great Christian guy? And I remember, like, I think this is when you know it's a red flyer if it's annoying. If it's just an annoying problem that seems like such a big deal, then it's probably a red fly

because you probably just don't like that person. Like, I mean, truly, because I remember like I would have good relationships but I just wouldn't really like that person or I just didn't really feel in love with that person. So they would do the smallest thing and I would be getting annoyed. And then I'm like, it's not even a big deal,

but it's so annoying. Whereas Christian, who like I love with my whole heart, can do annoying things that don't really bother me about that because I really do love him. And so I think if it's like, there's this guy who's on paper amazing, but for some reason you just don't feel that way, that's okay.

And I remember one of my really good friends and one of my best friends told me at the time, because I was like in this relationship that was actually good, but I just didn't like love him. And she said, Sadi, you just don't like him. And I think you've never like been in a relationship where it's just been like good. Like there's not like a red flag.

There's not like a big reason to break up. It's not like red flags. It's not like y'all did something or it's toxic. It's just, you don't love him and that's okay. And that's a valid reason to get out because you need to actually adore the person you love. It's toxic, it's just you don't love him and that's okay and that's a valid reason to get out because you need to actually adore the person you love. It's not fair to them or you

if you're not actually in love with them. And I remember that was really good advice because sometimes I think in relationships, it's like we need the red flag to get out. Sometimes it's just a matter of like, it's not my person. I don't love them like that. Great person, not love in my life.

Yeah, not love in my life. Yeah, not love in my life. I did not have that experience. I was like in love with my husband from day one. And that is a total different topic. But I think when I think about our relationship, like I was just so, well, I will say this. He was a lot more mature than I was when it came to recognizing that I needed time to heal.

But I think when it comes down to those annoying things, if you're able to recognize that it's just like nothing harmful to you emotionally, mentally, physically, and it's just like the way they chew their food, or even, I think even treating people is a good indicator of like, if it's a red flag or not. But if it's something that you can go, that's just a behavior that's kind of like,

oh, why do they do that? Not like this is hurting me. That's when you know it's a red flag or it's annoying. So if you are a mom especially to a young one or you've had a little one before then oh my gosh you know the struggle you have definitely had poop on you at least once walking into somewhere. Diapers and wipes are just part of the mom life and when they work you notice and you need it. So let's talk about Every Life, the fastest growing diaper company in America. They believe that every baby is a gift and every life is a blessing no matter how they got it. So let's talk about Every Life, the fastest growing diaper company in America.

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Like some things, like even if he had gum though, I still don't like him, so we need to break up. But like, if Christian had bad breath, I'd be like, I don't care, you're so cute, here's some gum, because I love him. But if another guy had bad breath that I just didn't like, I'd be like, gum can't fix it, like I just don't like him. You know?

Look at the reason why it's like annoyance versus red flag. If you're trying to find red flags, that's maybe an indicator that like, just get out of the relationship. Just simple and sweet, get out. You don't need to try to stay and make it happen. Which leads me to the last question we'll probably get into if you have anything else

that we can definitely touch on it. But it says, is it a red flag if you don't know right away? Which Freddie just kind of mentioned, she knew right away. I think this is something that I feel like is a negative thing about society these days is that people put so much pressure on knowing right away that it's someone, and I think that comes from this idea of date to marry, and it's like, yes,

we should be dating with the intention that we're leading to marriage, but that doesn't mean that everyone you go on a first date with, you need to know that you might marry. I don't like that at all because I think it takes time. I honestly, the first time I saw Christian, it was kind of love at first sight.

I saw him and I was like, oh my gosh, I literally looked at my best friend and I was like, hold me back because I'm going to date this guy. He is so attractive to me. He is so cute, he's so my type. I was like, I me back, because I'm going to date this guy. He is so attractive to me. He is so cute. He's so my type. I was like, I think I'm in love. But then also, I didn't know.

And I really actually was like, I don't know if we're going to be the right match. And I was nervous about that, because it was kind of a complex thing. Like Christian was friends, a lot of my friends, and I knew if I dated him and we broke up, it would be bad. And it was kind of sticky.

So I was like, hey, let's just talk for a couple months before we even go on a date. We talked forever. After talking for two months, I didn't know I was gonna marry him, but I knew enough to know let's go on a date. And then we went on a date and then I was kind of still processing that night,

like, I don't really know, like it was fun, but I don't know. And the next day I was like, okay, I think I really like him, like I can see this. And then it was like a week after our first dates, and this was after like two and a half months of talking, that we had like a really, really good conversation. And that was when I was like, I could marry this person. Not like I'm going to, but I could marry this person.

And now I'm like ready to step into a full relationship. And so that was like, you know even kind of the expedited process, like a couple months of talking to each other every night, getting to know each other, went on a date, I like him, I want to commit to a relationship, to like, oh, I see characteristics in you that I really do want to marry. And I had made a list, I hate to even say a list,

because you don't know what you really want fully, but I had made a prayer for my future husband the year before Christian and I met. And it was a list of just silly things, but also things that matter to me that I'm looking for in a person. And I looked at Christian, I was like, you're that person. You check all the things on my list and then some.

You are things I didn't even think I needed, but you're perfect for who I need. And then I was like, I want to marry this person. And then I was like, I wanna marry this person. And then I think it was like, so we went on our first date in September, and then it was the following March, we met in July, went on our first date in September, the following March that we started talking

about getting married. And so, no, you don't have to know right away. And that's not a red flag. That's actually just natural progression of getting to know someone. How can you know you're gonna marry this person right off the bat, unless you're Freddie and you do? I will say though.

What's the process? Because I also wanna acknowledge, my story with my husband is very unique. It is not gonna be a lot of people's story. And so I don't want people to hear, oh, she knew and then go, oh, well, I know I'm gonna marry this person. So like, that's who I'm gonna marry.

Because it wasn't, like, I say that as a blanket statement. Like I knew, but there are years that I'm- You also knew him too. Like you'd seen him in scenarios that made you go, like, he's the type of person I wanna marry. Exactly. There's like years between when I said I wanted, like in my heart, wanted to marry him

and then him actually asking me out on a first date. Like it was not a situation that most people go through. And I will say like, unfortunately, that's probably a red flag. If you're me, I'll just say it. That was a red flag for my husband. When I was like, oh yeah, I'm gonna marry Parker.

Because he was kind of like not freaked out by it, but he was like, whoa. No, he would tell you like not freaked out by it, but he was like, whoa. No, he would tell you he was freaked out by it. He would not sugarcoat that. But I think it's because the way I handled it, I was immature. I was like, how do I say this? I knew in my spirit that that's what the Lord

had told me was gonna happen. But I should have kept that between the Lord and I. Oh, this is such a spiritual maturity lesson. I look back at those things that the Lord told me that I should have kept between me and Him that I told other people. That's when I get so fresher with myself. Because I'm like, why did I do that?

Because those are sacred things that there's a reason he told you and like you didn't need to tell everybody else. And so I'm just so glad you brought that up in general. That's a whole nother conversation, but that is something that I want to get better at in my own life. It's great that the Lord is the Lord.

And I'm not because I didn't mess up his plan by like telling people that. Because I was so excited because I had a crush on Parker. And when I felt this in my spirit, and it was weird because we were not dating, he was not interested in me and I was interested in him. And like all of these things kept happening and the Lord kept confirming it

and confirming it and confirming it. And like, I just talked about it too much to where Parker was like, this is really weird. But then I became mature enough to know, okay, I take a step back because I'm like, I'm overwhelming the situation. And it started to become really just a cool thing between me and the Lord.

Like, God, you showed me something so powerful. I don't even know what this means right now. Like, I just kept digging into the Lord with that. And then all of a sudden, when I started just focusing on God, that's when he was like, okay, now that everything I've been telling you, it's unfolding.

And I was not as consumed with it as I would have been if it would have happened like the second God revealed that to me. And so I say that to say like, if you're that person though that goes, oh, first date, I know I'm gonna marry him. Be cautious because that's a red flag, truly. Like that's a red flag behavior because that shows attachment,

like unhealthy attachment styles. So really check yourself and know know if you're that person. Because I needed to check myself. And I needed to hold that in a little bit longer than I did. I'm just smiling because I'm like, I'm receiving so much advice from the stuff you're saying, even in that, just thinking about things that Laura's told me that I like,

you jumped the gun because you're excited with the grace for the fact that he's got it and he's got it and you didn't mess up his plan. You know, there's so much grace for the journey. But also just smiling because I'm like, it's so freeing to look back at our life and like be like, that was so immature. Like, why did I do that?

But then be like, but God, you worked it out. Like, you did it, you know? And so it's so cool because I look at you now and like, we have so much, all of us have so much still to learn, to grow in. Like we're only 27, we're gonna look back and be like, what were we thinking then, you know? But like, it's so cool to see how much we've grown.

And so like how much we can say, like I was the problem, I was the red flag. And that stinks to say, but it's so crucial in the process of just getting better, you know? To admit whenever you're wrong, when you're the problem, you need to look at yourself in the mirror. So there are maybe some red flags in the other person, but friend, check yourself for the red flags

in your own life, because they're things we all need to work on. I hope this is encouraging. I think if I heard this at 18, this could have been a game changer for me. I mean, truly, I hope that this is a resource for all of you guys who need a sister and a friend. Let us be the first light to shine

on some of those hidden things in your life and then go get a actual sister and a friend who's in your life to talk to about these things. Don't let this podcast even be something in the dark. Don't let this be like, okay, turn that off in my car, driving silently, like, what do I do with this? Call a friend, get someone on the phone. First and foremost, go to God, like actually pray about it.

Invite God into those parts of your life that maybe you've even been wanting to hide from Him. And let me tell you why it's so important we talk about these things, because the person you're gonna marry, man, that is one of the most special designs that God has. You know, like, He designed marriage, you get to become one with someone,

and that's more than just physically. Like, that is so beautiful and so powerful. And that person you're gonna marry will be the father of your children, they'll be the uncle, you know, to your nieces and nephews, they will be your partner in life and all the adventures that you go on.

And I know some of you hear that and you're like, I just want that, I'm so desperate for that. But out of that desperation, don't go get in a bad relationship and don't stay in a bad one. Pray towards what God has for you because that one you become on, it can be so powerful and beautiful,

and it can also be very extremely hard. And so let God into that. He designed it and He's designing it for you. And we're so excited for you. And we hope that this podcast launches you into making some important steps that you need to take and just stepping into what God excited for you and we hope that this podcast launches you into making some important steps that you need to take into stepping into what God has for you.

So thank you, Freddie, for all of your advice and finishing off your dot dot dot just do it statement. Glad we could finish that in a pretty bow, hopefully. It was a great bow. I don't know.