Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - 100 Episodes of Why Won't You Date Me (w/ Willam Belli)

Episode Date: October 25, 2019

Wow, it has been 100 episodes of the podcast and Nicole Byer is still single. In this live anniversary, Willam Belli (RuPaul's Drag Race, A Star is Born) joins Nicole to discuss love, his open marriag...e, cocaine, sleeping in drag, their arrest warrants, among so much more. Willam also shares how he fought to get the cut drag scenes from A Star Is Born back into the film, and gossip about drag culture in general.Plus- Nicole slept with a man while on tour, and asked him to record a review about their time together. In this landmark episode of WWYDM, we get an honest answer from a man who met and slept with Nicole whether or not he would date her.Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance to have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyBuy Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/nicole-byer?ref_id=9649

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please! Tell me why! Oh boy! Oh, boy! Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! Thank you so much for coming out to my 100th episode!
Starting point is 00:00:44 Thank you so much for coming out to my 100th episode! Oh boy, I never thought I would make it this far. I thought someone would love me. Anyway! It's actually pretty depressing if you think about it. 100 episodes and I still don't know why. Anyway, my guest today, oh boy, what a resume. I mean, I've already announced it, you know who it is, but I'm gonna read the whole IMDb page. You better believe you know her from Dead Don't Die in Dallas. The Komansky Method.
Starting point is 00:01:34 Uh-oh. A Star is Born, Hit the Floor, Eastsiders, Difficult People. You know her from RuPaul's Drag Race. And All-Stars 1 one episode it's Willem how terrifying I saw Willem and then Willem disappeared. I was truly loving it.
Starting point is 00:02:08 And then I was like... This would be my haunting. A drag queen just coming into the room and leaving the room. And I'm like, I see you! The best part about this... I do not know how. My God. Yes.
Starting point is 00:02:50 Oh. You got Megan Thee Stallion knees. God damn. Hello, Nicole Byer. It's called a pussy stunt. I was like, there's straight straight people here I have to impress them maybe I'll get a job yeah honestly it's impressive enough that you're in full drag I was like you don't have to be in drag and you were like okay and then I walked in and there you are in all
Starting point is 00:03:18 your fucking glory you're stunning yeah I went to a two-day wedding it's a rich white people thing like in like April or May or June and the Friday night I was a boy and I was talking to Caitlyn Jenner and she's like oh yeah Willem I know him and I was like yeah hi nice to meet you and then the next day I had on this great wig and she's like oh yeah I used to watch your videos in the closet
Starting point is 00:03:40 and she's like yeah the YouTube was the best way for me to like you know communicate when he was like in the closet i was like wow and with my wig i felt like so much like easier to talk to and like then we got hot dogs i was like come on kayla we're getting hot dogs yeah so it was great what did we talk about on this podcast i don't listen to podcasts not even mine i also don't listen to work bitch we're busy we're very busy. Look at all our beverage options. Yes. We're obviously very important.
Starting point is 00:04:08 Well, we talk about love, dating. So on this last episode that I did. So this will come out in three weeks. But the last episode I did, I talked about this guy that I fucked in Houston. He is. I have a couple of them too. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:04:24 He is Eastern European. He lives in Malaysia. I met him in Houston. It's a fucking mad lib. Epcot for your pussy. Truly. Work it, bitch. Taste the whole fucking world.
Starting point is 00:04:34 You got pics? Yeah, I'll show you a picture. Bitch, I should show you Roy. He was last night. What? Nothing. I'll show you backstage. Okay.
Starting point is 00:04:41 His name's Roy. So I asked him to answer some questions for me because we follow each other on Instagram so I don't have the answers yet he said he would make a recording so I was like I host a podcast will you talk to me on and answer questions and this is what this is his first response hi Nicoleicole good to hear from you of course i hope you're doing well i'm watching your stories uh your pictures so very much respecting the artist anything in my capabilities i will try my best to do so please feel free to ask and yes let's make things happen isn't that okay did he just
Starting point is 00:05:28 say let's make things happen he said let's make things happen he said he respected my artistry it was really cute and then here are the questions i asked him wait he called your podcast artistry yep faggot so he don't know he don't know he's eastern european he don't know. He don't know. He's Eastern European. I love that word. He don't know. So one, when you met me, did you think he would sleep with me? Two, am I a fun time? Three, do I fuck good? Have that ass. 3A.
Starting point is 00:05:59 Oh, I should add that. Then I said, four, is my pussy nice? Five, if you were not an Eastern European man who lives in Malaysia, would you date me? And then I was like, he, it said seen. So I was like, uh-oh, he didn't like those questions. So I said, if that's too explicit, I can tone it down, let me know. He goes, I'm good. He's like explicit I can tone it down let me know he goes
Starting point is 00:06:25 I'm good he's like I'm writing an essay I hope he does it's not yes or no it's my pussy good baby it's gonna start with baby
Starting point is 00:06:33 I just wanna know like is it good you know yeah what if he said yes to all those things except is the pussy good no that would be worse
Starting point is 00:06:41 honestly I guess I'd be like that's the reason I'm single i would finally have a fucking answer a hundred episodes in you are you single that's the tea i'm i'm married and i pay his health no phone bill he pays my health insurance but uh we got married not an even trade no it works it works for us family plan but we got married 9908 so our first anniversary will be 9909 and we didn't remember until september 13th that year it was really sad so i was like go gay marriage we both
Starting point is 00:07:18 forgot he's like you owe me head bitch that's why i want to be in a relationship well he's a lawyer and he's really good at cocaine and lying so I left him like four years ago and moved to Inglewood and then I got back and yeah Inglewood 90% Western is the best area in the world there were three hair stores on the block two ministries an electronic store
Starting point is 00:07:38 across the way McDonald's yeah black people know what's up get our hair done and pray girl I loved it I was living there was Zumba across the street I went McDonald's. Yeah, black people know what's up. Get our hair done and pray. Girl, I loved it. I was living. There was Zumba across the street. I went. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:07:49 They probably loved you. Black people probably love you. They're like, oh, look at that big man in a wig. I like him. Yeah. My grandmother would love you. She'd be like,
Starting point is 00:08:00 I don't get it, but it's fun to look at. Where do you think I got my first wigs? My grandma. Yeah? Yeah, totally. I was always up in her wigs. I would put her fur coat on inside out naked.
Starting point is 00:08:12 I loved how it felt. I got in so much trouble. My grandparents were in a bar. They were cool. Yeah. I would put her fur coat on inside out. It feels so good. Mink on balls, bitch. I don't wear mink anymore, just bunny,
Starting point is 00:08:25 because there's a lot of them anywhere, and I used to raise them. You used to raise bunnies or minks? Bunnies. What's a mink? A mink is an animal that electrocutes in its butt and then it uses fur for coats. And accessories.
Starting point is 00:08:39 All right. I'm learning. Learning and growing. Thank you for coming on our journey. I ask a lot of drag queens this. Do you fuck in drag or no? For sure. I mean, it's like someone saying,
Starting point is 00:08:54 you're really hot and I like your beard and I have a beard fetish. And that's what I want. And I'm like, okay, I look great in drag. So if you want someone that looks like this in drag, I'm not going to say no to a hot guy. Dick is dick. You can pretend whatever you want. That's what I say. Because if you want someone that looks like this in drag, I'm not going to say no to a Hawkeye. Dick is dick. You can pretend whatever you want. That's what I say.
Starting point is 00:09:07 Because a lot of fat women are like, I am not a fetish. I'm like, if he deep dicks me, I can be a fetish. You know? If he keeps returning because he wants to get lost in a role, I can be his fetish.
Starting point is 00:09:24 I don't care. That's the thing. You feel like titties all over. Yes. I like that. Yes. I like to grab onto a fucking man. I'm okay with some,
Starting point is 00:09:33 some, uh, back hair right here too. Cause that's traction. I don't even give a fuck. Anybody don't like you doggy style. You can be anybody I want. Indiana Jones.
Starting point is 00:09:45 That's why Indiana like doggy style Indiana Jones Balls coming behind me No idea who it is That's why I like Doggy style too Because it's not as intimate And I don't have to like
Starting point is 00:09:53 Stare you in the eyes And be like This is fine You know Yeah but I was getting Banged out doggy style Last night And then all of a sudden
Starting point is 00:10:01 I'm like My little silk My chicken cutlet Popped out of the pillow you know what the best part is you and a million other women you know just chicken cutlets falling out being like
Starting point is 00:10:13 I just took the other one out and shoved it between the mattress but I I came up with a solution now I use Uncrustables I know you said you had a long day on set. I was like, let's make mama a meal.
Starting point is 00:10:27 I sure did have a long day. Let's make mama a meal. And I am hungry. It's great. I like it because it's like toasted. Girl. From my hearth to yours.
Starting point is 00:10:42 I've never had an Uncrustable. These are fucking good. They're so good. It's like the perfect little purse snack. And it, boom. I guess I should stop eating it. So, do you have, are you in an open marriage or a closed one? Oh, it's super open.
Starting point is 00:11:04 Yeah, no, we don't even live together. Where does he live? I forget. I call it Cala Blacklist because I don't go there. Wait, you really don't live together? No, uh-uh. So how often do you see each other?
Starting point is 00:11:22 Like whenever he picks up mail or like something. Is this an arranged marriage? Where like... He bought my teeth. I mean, no. No, like where he like wanted citizenship or something? Oh, no, no, no.
Starting point is 00:11:38 I met him when I was 19 and he was 39. Oh, we talk about dating here. That's why I'm like, she's prying. I forgot. Oh my God. I was like, okay, we're friends, but like there's why. I'm like, she's prying. I forgot. Oh my god. I was like, okay, we're friends, but like there's people here. Oh yeah, it's fine. And I wrote about it in a book. Anything you don't want to talk about,
Starting point is 00:11:52 you don't have to. No, girl. I'm an open book. I wrote a book and it's all about it. And what is the name of the book? It's called Suck Less where there's a will and there's a way. And you can get it on Amazon. Hell yeah. So we met when I was 19. He was 39. He came into Mickey's and my rule was that you get in free if you show your dick i was the counter girl and he showed his dick biggest dick i'd ever
Starting point is 00:12:12 seen on a white guy so then he comes back 30 seconds later and he comes back and he says it's bigger now you want to see and i said yeah i was like okay that's big i've seen bigger since but um so i immediately told my boss I was sick. And within 15 minutes, I was at Century Plaza Hotel. Quick little boop boop. And I let him fuck me on a luggage cart in the hallway. I was 19. I was pulling out all the tricks.
Starting point is 00:12:34 And then the next week. Wait, but wasn't that hard? That's on wheels. It was easy. You hold the rail and then you put your legs up there. It's easy. And then you're just a swinging hole. He loved it. He loved it.
Starting point is 00:12:47 He loved it. Anyway, so I did that. He bought me jeans. He bought me breakfast. And then I was like, cool, I got jeans out of this one. And then the next weekend he took me to San Francisco. And then weekends after that we went to New York. And then I would be like, why are you yelling at me?
Starting point is 00:13:00 I found out he was on coke. But it was fine because he loved me and he had money and um i loved him and then he got clean and then uh he got rich that was amazing um and then he got poor oh yeah uh cocaine's expensive and um uh we lost our house and so i moved to to Inglewood and then dog died, but I put it on Patreon and made a mint. He would have wanted it that way. His meds were expensive.
Starting point is 00:13:33 Yeah. And then, and now I'm like back to like talking to him and we're being friends, which is cool. Like I don't take, I don't let him take ownership
Starting point is 00:13:40 like you ruined my life, all that. Like I moved out to wherever and like try to make it on my own. But it forced me to become an adult because I was with him from 19 to 33. And the only significant like job I ever had was like booking strippers at a club and then doing drag. So I moved to Inglewood, started touring a lot because it was like seven minutes from the airport. Worked 51 weekends out of a year and like found my way back.
Starting point is 00:14:02 And now we can be like friends without me hating him. Does that make sense? Yeah, that does make sense. But may I ask why you won't divorce him? Oh, I wanted to hit a decade first and I did that. Okay. You know, like 10 years of effort. And I really like him.
Starting point is 00:14:17 And I think there could be hope for the future. Okay. I like that. I don't have anything better to do and court's expensive and it's downtown and nobody wants to park there so fuck it it's fine like you know I'll divorce him if I divorce him I don't know
Starting point is 00:14:32 I like that I think people give up on a lot of things easy you know and I really like my health insurance yeah I mean health insurance is great yeah he saw like the billies like you're on Truvada I'm like yeah I'm getting hella fucked sorry you should have been a better husband so we're friends That's great. Yeah, he saw the bill. He's like, you're on Truvada? I'm like, yeah, I'm getting hella fucked. Sorry. You should have been a better husband.
Starting point is 00:14:48 So we're friends. Can ladies be on Truvada? Sure, if you don't want to contract. It protects you from contracting the antibody that causes HIV. Oh. I read a pamphlet. Hmm. I never read the pamphlets.
Starting point is 00:15:04 Every time I go to the guy in a college, I'm like, there's so much literature. And I'm not interested. I just like want her to root around in me. You know, that's the fun part. Like, is it good? Did you find anything? One of these days, I'm going to put a present up there.
Starting point is 00:15:22 Oh, golden ticket? Yeah, just like a little fucking, maybe like a little race car. And I'll be like, bitch, I'm zoom zooming. In your pussy or the pamphlet rack? No, in my pussy. Oh.
Starting point is 00:15:38 I was like, a car. No. No, that's not fun for her to find a race car on the pamphlet pack. Oh my God. What if it was remote control and you shot it out at her? I'd be like, that's a real speedway. So what kind of dicks do you like? Oh my God, so many.
Starting point is 00:15:59 Long, tall, short, chode. Do you? I don't like a chode. I don't give a fuck. Really? Yeah. Put up some scaffolding. Dive in.
Starting point is 00:16:11 Fucking pillage and plunder. The things that I want to say in bed but don't. Yeah. What's something you want to say in bed but you don't? The last guy sucked his dick and then immediately starts playing with my ass. And I was like, and he's like what and i thought i i thought that he thought i was gonna say i can't fuck but i said i just left the room came back he's like where you going i came back i said i'm gonna need these poppers because the dick was big and i said yep i'm ready poppers are an amazing drug
Starting point is 00:16:41 i've never used poppers for sex but alone in my room late at night just huffing a little thing and then being like I feel fun honestly for me it's like if you're at a drag show or a club and you have poppers and you hate the song or the girl that's performing sucks you take the poppers
Starting point is 00:17:04 and it's like, yeah, this is amazing. It's like Sylvester. It's something that people used to dance on in like the 70s. Oh, really? I didn't know that. I thought it was purely for sex and I was using it wrong in my room. No, you're using it right. It opens up all your arteries
Starting point is 00:17:19 so the blood flows. So that's why if you're topping, you shouldn't do it because it opens up the blood arteries in your dick too and that's why tops shouldn't topping, you shouldn't do it because it opens up the blood arteries in your dick too. And that's why tops shouldn't use poppers. You can use a little, but don't use too much and then go all soft and try to shove a baggy condom in me.
Starting point is 00:17:30 Like I use this. Like poppers are the worst for tops. Stop it. Sorry. The end of my TED Talk. Shoving a baggy condom in me is so funny. Don't mad at everyone.
Starting point is 00:17:40 I don't know. I'm sorry. We did poppers once. Well, you did poppers and then danced with someone. We were at a drag pageant. Oh my god. We were doing. Yeah, sorry. I was going to tell her we were doing
Starting point is 00:17:56 K2. Oh, yes. I was, yeah. You were. I don't think I did. And Gia has the best nails for it because they're like long and jewel. It's fine. I love Gia Gunn. has the best nails for it because they're like long and jewel it's fine I love Gia Gunn me too she's so fun I was like hi Gia and she was like
Starting point is 00:18:10 hi hi and ponytail yeah she's amazing that was fun I'd never been to a drag pageant before it was longer than i'd ever imagine here's the thing no one ever leaves a drag show or pageant saying you know what that should have been longer they're always a little too long and you're like that one girl did not need to do that mix she didn't need to not do the callback there was one
Starting point is 00:18:44 dollar left on the floor she could have grabbed you did not need to do the callback. There was $1 left on the floor she could have grabbed. You did not need to say DJ spin that track back. Because they do it all too often and then it's like we just saw that part of the song. You can't do the reveal again. I guess it's like I'm on stage. I'll take my time. Which is different than comedy. You're like well I'm going to go out on a high.
Starting point is 00:19:00 Loud and fast and funny or bye. Book it bitch. Yes. Yes. Yes. Because if you oversee your welcome people are like i hate this and you're like oh no i gotta go home and do poppers alone why won't you date me yo uh malaysia sounds great though he was like when i first met him he was like you should come to malaysia i thought i love that you burped into a microphone and went that was loud I moved it a little shut up you didn't tell me how sensitive these were
Starting point is 00:19:30 it's a microphone it amplifies sound you got me on that he was like come to Malaysia and I was like I'm never coming to Malaysia I don't know where is Malaysia it's where Singapore is I think He was like, come to Malaysia. And I was like, I'm never coming to Malaysia. I don't know.
Starting point is 00:19:47 Where is Malaysia? It's where Singapore is, I think. It's where Singapore is? I think. Is that right? Hey. I did a show there. I knew I was right.
Starting point is 00:19:58 That airport's really nice. Oh, yeah? It's a nice airport? Yeah, there's a whole street with hookers, too. It's so fun. Ooh, I do like a streetwalkerer um they let me in the brothel it was great the girl said she wears only old navy dresses elasticized top maxi dress she's like top go down bottom go up done no kissing i was like you got it together let's get this selfie efficient yeah they were so cool but here's my follow-up question to it's near singapore where's singapore above australia i know where that is
Starting point is 00:20:28 yeah okay gigs there that's a long fucking flight 14 hours for some dick girl if the dick is worth it and the dick is lovely it was a very nice does he eat ass he did not eat my ass i we were like uh i don't know it was i't, how do I say this? I was so, I felt so blessed to get the stick. And I was like, don't ask for extra. And straight dudes like won't eat your butt unless you're like, eat it.
Starting point is 00:20:58 And like, there's straight men are so fucking annoying. They just like want to just like pound your pussy for like an hour. And then they're like, flip it around in different positions and you're like, but we could just do other stuff. You could nibble on my clit. I could eat your butt.
Starting point is 00:21:14 I like to eat butt. Do you find that after it goes to fucking, it can't go back to something else? With straight men, sometimes. I feel like they get zeroed in what i was doing the math i was like what would that be bad for a straight man to do to a woman for some different reason for like ass to mouth with a guy i think if your butthole's clean that's okay
Starting point is 00:21:35 yeah i was just in the back i think i've never licked a dirty butt have you liked a dirty butt sometimes there are tribulations sometimes you're're like, oh, I got something. I'll just eat through that real quick. Whatever. If the guy is hot enough, you're like, fuck this. It's fine after that. I'll wash my mouth. I always spit on a sheet. I don't care.
Starting point is 00:21:57 It's not my house. Spit in the pillow. I've left fake nails at a guy's house and his girlfriend found it. I felt bad about that. How did you find out? He was like, my girlfriend found your fucking nails. Because he said the next time, he's like, don't be leaving your nails. That's so funny.
Starting point is 00:22:11 The next time, don't be leaving your nails. It's because the lube makes the fingernails unsticky. So there's always like one or two that pop off. That's, why not get acrylics? I don't like being full time. Fair. Fair. I used to do the little pop them offers
Starting point is 00:22:30 growing up. Where does that land? In my wine? If it did, I would have drank it. Bitch, this Tazo tea is lovely. I'm glad you're enjoying the tea. Don't make options.
Starting point is 00:22:48 Tea, water, tea, water. Here's a question. Shoot. I said here's a question before I thought of it. So that's what happened. What's the worst date? Oh, wait, are you on the apps at all? No.
Starting point is 00:23:06 Oh, my God. I just got an invitation for Raya. You did? Yeah. They invited you? Yeah. They waitlisted me for two years. So fun.
Starting point is 00:23:21 This is not fair. I mean, it's just a bunch of Australian DJs and like artists. I'll suck it. Is that the only app you're on? You're not on like Tinder, Grindr? I'm on Grindr. I'm on Chappie because I did some branded deal where they paid me to act like I was. And then I was like, oh, I'm finding dick on here.
Starting point is 00:23:40 What's Chappie? It's some gay app where it feels like grinder but you don't have to ask for face pictures and like people put a little more effort with the paragraph sometimes it's great there's dick or pussy i think people it's there's um it's for ladies too and um all yeah there's options i've definitely seen women on there i was like how's she elizabeth getting there no i remember because yesterday i was like el like Elizabeth like New Jersey because I had a warrant there. Exit 13. It's weird how you remember stuff.
Starting point is 00:24:10 The brain is crazy. Wait, what is your warrant for an Elizabeth, New Jersey? I didn't pay the Lincoln toll tunnel like 27 times and that's where they got me. I had auditions and I had no money
Starting point is 00:24:19 and I was 17. That's so funny. I have a warrant in Monmouth County because I shoplifted and then, well, the second time I got arrested for it, I didn't do my community service because I was like,
Starting point is 00:24:31 I don't want to. The first time I did it, it was so fucking boring. They made me like clean a YMCA locker room so it was just like me and old naked people. And I was like, I'm not doing that again so i didn't uh and i think i still have a warrant but like i don't there's like a statue of
Starting point is 00:24:52 limitation i think i don't know is there a cop here honestly i've been looking for my mugshot since i got arrested so and i can't find it i don't i really want it because I want to put it on some merch yes I think I was smiling I was good other than the bruises like I was great I went in for battery and I was fine with it wait you went in for battery yup who'd you be it was either my husband or me and he convinced me to go outside where the cops can get you they can't come in your house and arrest you but after OJ if there's a knife involved, someone goes to jail, apparently. Yeah. I was cutting up his clothes. Was this in California? Yeah. Yeah, I think California and, like, Nevada,
Starting point is 00:25:30 if the police are called for domestic violence, one person has to be taken. Well, that was the third time they were there. Oh. Yeah. And they said, we don't want to come here no more. Well, he would get high, and then he would, like, lock me in a room. He's like, you're cheating. And he was, like, 6'6". He was a lot bigger than me. And then, like, if it got physical, it was, like, because I like lock me in a room he's like you're cheating and he was like six six he was a lot bigger than me and then like if it got physical it was like because i'm getting out
Starting point is 00:25:49 of a room i actually thought to myself i was like i could push him off this railing right now and like he would never do this again and then it was like no because this motherfucker would get right back up he plays basketball and he always he was a center cocaine's a hell of a drug oh god he was so strong i was like he would run up here and beat my ass again. So like a couple of times he sent me across the room for like something I like, you know, unprovoked, just cutting up his clothes. I wasn't physical with him and they were clothes I bought him and I didn't even cut up clothes I liked him wearing.
Starting point is 00:26:14 I was like, I'm gonna get him, but not once. Like I liked him looking cute and he could not shop. So they got physical and then I went to jail and then I didn't talk to him till he bought me a Rolex dang I've never done coke and wanted to fight I've done it twice I hate it I've only done coke and been like can I tell you a secret well like coke I'm not saying coke is bad it's just him on it was bad like some people aren't good on I was friends with detox like seeing her do coke like out of four fingernails, it was just so elegant.
Starting point is 00:26:45 You know, like... That's my favorite thing when you're in a club and a fingernail goes under your nose during a conversation. You go... And then you're like... I love clubs. I... Yeah, I mean, I only like gay clubs. I do not like straight clubs because then there's a bunch of men with, like, bottle service.
Starting point is 00:27:03 And they're like, aren't you impressed I paid $400 for a bottle you could buy for $40? And I'm like, no. You're bad at money management. Like, I can't fuck you. If we get married, we can never buy a house. You know? Ooh, that got you.
Starting point is 00:27:29 I like a gay club. I like Mickey's specifically. They got shut down for vermin. Did they? Bitch, they got shut down. They did? The sign on the door said vermin. There were mites in Morgan's wigs.
Starting point is 00:27:47 That's so funny. I love that they wrote vermin. Vermin, bitch. That's funny. They know funny. They said vermin. Vermin. Property has vermin. Bitch.
Starting point is 00:27:55 But I like it because at 6 p.m. there's always a very adorable twink who's dead. He's just like, I don't know where I belong. And you're like, where are your friends? I don't have any. And then at like 10 p.m. he's like dancing again. You're like, how did you come back from the dead? It's my favorite thing to observe.
Starting point is 00:28:16 Mickey's was where I met my husband. I was the counterboy there. Oh yeah, you did say that. And somebody was passing out in the entryway and I called the cops. I was like 18 and the par, the paramedics showed up and they were right across the street and everything. And the manager, Marianne was like, who called the cops? And I said, I did.
Starting point is 00:28:33 Like thinking I was like saving someone. She said, what the fuck? Never bring cops to my club. And I was like, oh, I'm sorry. But like that twink. So what did she want you to do? Kick him into the street? She said, get him off property
Starting point is 00:28:43 and then call the cops after that. She said, drag him down the revolver. Honestly. God bless Marianne. She was the best manager there. But that made sense. She made them put an elevator for her because she didn't want to do the stairs no more. God bless Marianne.
Starting point is 00:28:55 What power. She paid cash too. Yeah, she was so nice. That's great. I love that. I love when you work in the service industry when they pay you cash because when you get a check you're like, you're short paying me. You're not paying me well.
Starting point is 00:29:10 It sucks. I was a hostess for a very long time and I was very bad at it. So not the mostest. No, I was the hostess with nothing, you know. But I was always like, here. I would argue with people. They'd be like, can we have a bigger table? I'm like, you're two people. What can we have a bigger table I'm like you're two people what do you need a bigger what are you gonna fucking eat the whole
Starting point is 00:29:28 restaurant mad mad at everyone before they walk in you're coming into my workplace and you want something from me I got fired from retail too the echelon mall in jersey what mall in jersey it's echelon oh that's what it's called oh i worked at the the homedell commons which was in like a fucking strip mall i worked at lane bryant and i'll tell you something fat women are so mad shopping and i don't know why i can shop at lane bryant because that's the only place my bangles can get on wrist because otherwise bangles are too small for my knuckles and they cut them. But you can put a plastic bag on it and then it slides in, but it's still tight. Like fisting?
Starting point is 00:30:12 Mm-hmm. Done that. You fist? Do you like to be fisted or do you like to be the fister? I've never been fisted, but I've fisted a couple people on stage while singing Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman. but I fisted a couple people on stage while singing Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman. It was performance art
Starting point is 00:30:28 and someone almost lost their liquor license. She said, you said you were going to fisting number. I thought you were going to fake it. I was like, you knew what I was going to do. And it was the first time I ever felt like I had kind of made it because Jackie B found out what I was doing.
Starting point is 00:30:44 She said, you know what I'm gonna go on before you and then go home because I'm not feeling well because I was gonna go on before her and she's like she's not following that and I was like I'm glad I made you so sick Jackie I respect you honestly you're a headliner
Starting point is 00:31:00 oh that's great I've given head for lines on Good Morning Miami and then he never gave me the upgrade i was an extra wow that took me back i have given head for lines really yeah i was thinking like coke or k but i don't do coke and k you'd bump you don't do a lime really but i've given head for scriptural lines which never happened did you offer the head or was the head offered to you like i'll give you oh no we like we were eyeing up and then like he knew I was an extra and I was like how about that upgrade
Starting point is 00:31:27 I would ask if I'm sucking your dick in your dressing room I'm gonna ask he was like a co-star but like I could have been a guest shut up and it was one season of a TV show it was fine I don't sucked his dick it was great CBS Radford God bless I was at CBS Radford today
Starting point is 00:31:43 me and this other extra her name was Candace Cash. She and I would suck dick on sets when it was like big extra calls for like ER disaster scenes and stuff. Where it was like 300 people. You get your waiver, you go sleep in your car, you come back. And then like you find guys to hook up with them. We said, girl, you going sag? And she said, yeah, it means suck an actor groin. It was like going to the bathroom and getting sag, girl.
Starting point is 00:32:04 I want to go back and watch an er episode where like an extra is so elated like it's a very sad scene he's just like take the leg it's fine got two yeah yeah i've never been in a casting couch situation i've never had so like some of them are comfortable. Well, I'm trying to get on one. If someone would let me, I would fuck my way to the top. I have no qualms about it. I do not care.
Starting point is 00:32:35 I've just never... No male director's ever been like, come on. They're always like, well, aren't you goofy? Well, you need to get Malaysian to produce and he respects you for your art. He does! He said that.
Starting point is 00:32:50 Your art, girl. I know. What a treat. I can't wait to hear his answers. Bitch, dip your pussy in paint and then sit on a canvas and then send it to him. I don't... Say, this is your art.
Starting point is 00:33:02 Dig in. Yeah, he'll like it. He'll be like, I respect this art, this painting. He'll put it on his fridge. He will. But won't I get a yeasty? They don't make pussy paint. You can't just put acrylic paint in pussy. I've seen it in porn. It's fine.
Starting point is 00:33:18 Yeah, but porn's like a magical thing where they do things to keep you safe. Thank you. I moved it. I moved it a lot. This time you moved it away from Thank you. I moved it. I moved it a lot. This time you moved it away from your mouth. You've learned. But like, okay, is there a doctor here?
Starting point is 00:33:31 There isn't a cop. Is there a doctor here? Cool. I want to know if like, can you put paint in your pussy? Yeah, as long as you wash it out. Everyone's disagreeing with you. Not like spray paint, but like acrylic children's paint or something that you can eat. Have you seen paint when I was a kid?
Starting point is 00:33:52 Never mind, I won't fight this. You guys are probably right. You're like, nah! I ate paint and chocolate when I was a kid all the time. Well, I know what I'm going to do tonight. I'm going to put paint in my pussy, sniff some poppers, and sit on a canvas. Oh my god. You have a 6am call, young lady. I know. Ooh, crippling. I don't
Starting point is 00:34:10 want, it's too early. So blessed. I don't know why Hollywood happens in the morning. I don't get it. A lot of actors are on drugs. Like, start it later. Like, who's on a bender and they're like, gotta wake up at six
Starting point is 00:34:25 I don't like it Charlie Sheen Charlie Sheen what a mess I thought it was a question let's see I should do no I wanted to Wells Fargo verification code no I got another message from the malaysian man
Starting point is 00:34:46 so he doesn't believe i'm 32 that's all he was like i refuse to believe that you're 32 send him your imdb okay well i mean send him any fucking article written about me for whatever reason they're like nicole byer 33 33 year old woman she's 33 she was born 33 years ago 33 that's two numbers that are the same and they belong to nicole byer i don't understand why my age is in articles it's shitty because like casting directors will be like oh she's 33's 33. She can't play 29. And you're like, but why not? Because I know she's 33. The articles keep telling me she's 33.
Starting point is 00:35:32 Acting is bad. I had an experience like that where I couldn't get in the room for an audition for UDK. And they said it was a 19-year-old, and I was 23, and I looked at it, and I was friends with someone who worked there. So I walked up to the third floor in the valley.
Starting point is 00:35:48 I was like, hey, Eric, there's this breakdown. I'm perfect for it. And he said, hold on. His boss poked his head out of the office, looked at me and said, yeah, I'll see him. And that role turned out to be on Nip Tuck. And it was like the role that I wouldn't take no for an answer. And I got it. So it's like sometimes you just storm into the office. office if you can get your friend to call in a lot pass
Starting point is 00:36:09 bitch i've done it i will get a job you will not tell me no for a job i love that stars born they cut our parts and then i got the job back like i will wait really yeah they cut they cut all the drag queen scenes really got the part was going through wardrobe and then they said the text said terrible terrible news all your scenes have been cut and then three days later they said what's your veil for next week i was like of course i'm available but like i'm still trying to figure out what i did to god to make him hate me um and then they wrote it back in and then they were interesting because that was one of the my favorite parts of the movie and then when like when i saw in the theaters like people were like,
Starting point is 00:36:46 your parts got the biggest laughs. You and Shangela got the biggest laughs of the whole movie. Hurricane Bianca 3. No. Don't clap for that. It's worse than the Dead Don't Die in Dallas. Don't see that either. It's on Walmart shelves right now.
Starting point is 00:37:00 Do not see it. Oh my God. There was a part of it where I was like, wait, how did that sound begin on that truck he was dead and they're like we lost some footage it's still cute whatever it was 2013 different time yeah a way different time um what was your first acting role you've had you've had a very great career i'm lucky yeah i'm in the right spot at the right time and i wake up and go to auditions there's so many drag queens that are like i'm not gonna go i was just out of this show put your wig
Starting point is 00:37:28 on put your fucking wig on some acting teacher was just like uh i think he said the statistic was 40 of people don't show up to auditions i've seen drag queens show up not in drag and i was like you really think someone's gonna give you this part put your fucking wig on who do you think you are people also don't understand that you have to play the game until you don't have to. So if you don't want to do drag and you want to transition to boy parts while you're not in drag, you have to make a name for yourself in drag
Starting point is 00:37:54 and then create something for you out of drag. Backdoor bitch. Yeah, you have to figure it out. Same thing with being fat and black. It's not like people are dying to give me parts. I would go out for so many things. Malaysian is. Huh?
Starting point is 00:38:06 Malaysian man is. What? All the parts. Oh, yeah. He wants all these. I don't even know if he likes me. Yes, he does. He fucked you.
Starting point is 00:38:13 I know. He fucked you when he's talking to you like you're a real person. Yes. It doesn't mean he likes me because he fucked me. I know, but I think he likes you. I have fucked so many people that I'm like. He could be a star fucker, though. Well, he didn't know who I was.
Starting point is 00:38:29 This is a keeper. Or least like get christmas presents from him no i got it good i'll get some christmas is that cool with you yeah okay so um do we have any any so podcasting is an audio medium so when you to this, there is a very long pause because a man was bouncing up and down on maybe a dildo. Don't talk about me like that. Okay, you'll be our first question. And then anyone else who's got a question, can do like maybe 10 so like just line up over there and line up over here you want left or right what are we gonna help with the mic oh yeah so you could do this oh then i'm doing this left this side that took too long okay hi, hi, hi, hi. Talk into the mic.
Starting point is 00:39:45 Hi, Nicole. I love you. Willem, I met you in 2014 at Drag Bingo. Oh, yeah, suck your dick. What's the question? I'll hold the mic. The question, Nicole, is besides Willem, if you were to have a drag queen style you for the rest of your life,
Starting point is 00:40:14 hair, wig, makeup, wardrobe, who would it be? It doesn't have to be a rude girl. Okay. Oh, wow, that's so nice of you. Um. I mean, I can't pick. Well, I do love Monique Hart.
Starting point is 00:40:38 I also really love meatball. I'm constantly talking about Meatball on podcasts, who I think is here. Really? Hi. Yes, bitch. Hi. I fucking love Meatball.
Starting point is 00:40:54 She's the best. I love the way she does her makeup. And then Meatball used to wear this McDonald's costume that made me smile so much. So that's what I say. Money cart or meatball. Okay. Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi, hi.
Starting point is 00:41:13 I'll hold it. Hi, Nicole. Who are you? Get close to it. We were on a bus last year. We were on a bus? To. We were on a bus? To Vegas. I don't know if you remember me.
Starting point is 00:41:29 That's me. That's me. Oh, yes, I do remember. What's your question? So my question is to Willem and you, were you all hanging out in WeHo tonight? It's Wednesday, right? What day is it?
Starting point is 00:41:44 Tuesday. Tuesday. Wednesday? No, right? What day is it? Tuesday. Wednesday? No, it's Tuesday. I don't know. I never know what day of the week it is. I don't. Tuesday,
Starting point is 00:41:54 if I were to go out, it would be Dream Girls just to see the girls throw some money at Dolly Levi. She was the blonde girl in Birdcage. That's like her,
Starting point is 00:42:02 like she, her story. And now she's like 70 and still high kicking a hamburger mary's what a treat yeah but i'm not going there i'm not going anywhere they just fired me from bingo they what kind of they took away my shifts because i missed three out of six because the planes were late it wasn't my fault but i was like you're firing me this is a charity bingo game i still love them i still love them they said i could work when i want but i was
Starting point is 00:42:23 like really you better not take my picture off the wall in the bathroom. I love that they fired you when you missed half of your shift. It's not my fault. The planes were late. I mean, you're not lying. Planes, they're bad. I had gigs. What's your favorite
Starting point is 00:42:40 airline? Delta. Delta Diamond. Me too! I'm a Diamond diva. I'm 360. What'm 360 what 360 fuck you they took it away from me you ain't got the porsche no more no okay so here's a fun thing delta does when you're a fucking 360 member if you have a connection you walk off the plane a man in a suit has your name on a thing you think you're getting arrested. That's not it. You think they found the drugs in your bag.
Starting point is 00:43:09 No, they did not. I was so stoned the first time it happened because I'll vape in the bathroom. Nobody cares. And I like got off the plane. I was like, Tate, what? And then he was like, get in this Porsche. And I was like, this is a nice cop car. And then I was like, I said, where are you taking me? He was like, get in this Porsche. And I was like, this is a nice cop car. And then I was like, I said, where are you taking me?
Starting point is 00:43:28 He was like, to your next gate. And I went, wow. I think he thought he picked up someone who's like a little touched. Because I truly was out of my mind. Where are we going? To the next gate at fucking Minneapolis airport. But they took it away. I don't get it anymore. Well, if you're ever with me, you can use mine.
Starting point is 00:43:50 Yes. I get a guess. Let's go somewhere. Totally. I'm down. Wait. Your Palm Springs house. Do you love it?
Starting point is 00:43:56 We didn't talk about house hunters. So good. I love that I'm continuing our interview, but we're on. I'm like, house hunters. It's so good. House hunters was awesome. And yeah, I'm opening an, House Hunters! It's so good. House Hunters was awesome. And yeah, I'm opening an Airbnb in Palm Springs. It's like all drag themed. We have like...
Starting point is 00:44:09 Wait, are you really? Yeah. Oh yeah, you can rent it. I am out to take these young white girls' mothers' money. Yes! Yes! If they want to spend it, you can come try on the wig that Trixie won in. I have Latricia Royale size 15 bus shoes. She was leaving them and I have Latricia Royale size 15 bust shoes.
Starting point is 00:44:26 She was leaving them and I'm like, bitch, I'm keeping these. These are archivable. The Jackson titties. Tons of drag memorabilia. I'm going to get a Coco wig. You are truly an entrepreneur. That's great. People will pay fucking good white people money for that.
Starting point is 00:44:42 It's right by Cabazon, so you can shop. It's 15 minutes from there. You could do the Praying Desert where Kezia did her little, like, you know, have your little Becky fantasy with the painted rocks. Go up the aerial tramway. Do all that. It's like, it's... I'm going to take their money. I love it. Okay, let's get his question.
Starting point is 00:44:57 Oh, hi. What's up? Their question. What's your question, please? Question for you, Willem. What kind of makeup are you wearing and where can I get it? I'm wearing Coverboy and it's from Shop Coverboy ding thank you so much I love your nails was this an audience
Starting point is 00:45:12 plan oh my god he's not a make a wish kid I have one of those her name is Denisha and she had sickle cell and she lived and she didn't give
Starting point is 00:45:20 her wish back why did everyone awe at that did everyone not at that? Did everyone not know Willem has a makeup line? Willem is doing big fucking things. Okay, what's your question? I love you, Nicole, so much.
Starting point is 00:45:34 What's your question? I love you, Willem. I'm going to say it. I love you, Willem. And I love Meatball if he's really here. How you doing? Meatball. Hey, my question is, you did a Nestle commercial.
Starting point is 00:45:46 And now that you're big and famous did Nestle ever reach out so you could either redo it or have you done other Nestle stuff please tell the Nestle story because it is amazing what's the Nestle story Nestle has not reached out it's not the way it works but thank you for saying I'm famous
Starting point is 00:46:03 I'm mildly successful you are you're super famous I'm truly. I'm mildly successful. You are. You're super famous. I'm truly humbled. My parents watch you. You're famous. Wait, what? My parents watch you.
Starting point is 00:46:11 That makes you famous. You were on when I came, like when I went home, they're like, we watched this show. This show. I was like, I'll watch that with you.
Starting point is 00:46:16 Oh, that really warms my heart. Yeah, bitch, you're famous. I like that old people like me and children like me. Cause like old people
Starting point is 00:46:24 aren't around for bullshit. They're like, you know, I'm not going to live very much longer. So they're just like, I'll watch good shit. Not that your parents are going to die, but they will. That's fine. But like, I like it. So, okay. So I shot a Nestle commercial.
Starting point is 00:46:38 You can see it on YouTube. I play a fairy. And my lines are, fuck, what is it? It's, oh, wait, what? Oh, yes, yes. and my lines are uh fuck what is it is uh oh wait what oh yes yes oh this is your ringtone sir here is your ringtone do you remember my lines it's not racist because i'm letting you do it oh mama gonna fix it yes i go oh mama gonna fix you up and so at the audition
Starting point is 00:47:07 the casting director was like be as black as possible and if you go too black I'll bring you back and I was like was the casting director black? no it was a nice white lady
Starting point is 00:47:18 so truly the audition was like everybody love Nestle if you put ice cream in your mouth, it melts. You were great on Black Lady Sketch Show, too. Thank you. You were super. Thank you. But your hair was so big.
Starting point is 00:47:38 I was like, that's Nicole, right? Because I never saw you in that hair. Me either. It was a wild wig that they put on, and I was like, we're all a bunch of black people, and we think this is okay? But I get what they were going for,
Starting point is 00:47:53 like a simple black lady that you wouldn't pick out of a crowd. That was, thank you. Well, I'm thinking for watching. Also, thank you for asking that question. I love you. Ooh, mama gonna fix this. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:48:04 Okay. Hi, what's your question hi i'll say either of you but i'm trying to fuck my art professor at college and i was pussy painting i was wondering if you guys have any tips for it do you have any tips for it i told her my pussy painting idea professor has this art professor professed interest in you we just like we'll chat and joke around a little bit but that's about it i don't know how to extend it further i think at the end of the semester you're just like do you want to go out for a drink and if he goes no you go well i guess that's it but then if you go out for a drink you fuck them right fuck them
Starting point is 00:48:48 okay hi hello I just gotta say I'm a huge fan of yours oh you're wearing my merch thank you he got that I made sure to put this on just for you you're like an inspiration for me but my question for you is
Starting point is 00:49:03 what do you do to decompress and can I please buy you a drink after this oh word um I am a homosexual I was gonna say
Starting point is 00:49:21 okay I'm glad I didn't say anything I knew when they stopped cheering I was gonna be like. I was like, okay, I'm glad I didn't say anything. I knew. When they stopped cheering, I was going to be like, he gay as fuck. There are eight straight men who are my fans, and they've all made themselves known on Twitter. And you didn't look like any of the Twitter pictures. Also, you look gay as fuck. Your skin's too good. You look adorable.
Starting point is 00:49:44 Whites are white too, Chris. You're put together. Your clothes fit you good You look adorable Whites are white too You're put together Your clothes fit you You're gay People are gonna come after me They're gonna be like Straight people's clothes shit
Starting point is 00:49:53 They don't Yes My aunt Who is 57 Used to play Boy is a bottom in the car on her way to college.
Starting point is 00:50:09 Did she know it was about her nephew? I'm a top. Oh, word. Well, I'll take that drink. She's got a 6 a.m. call. And I don't even drink. I mean, Willem says you can fuck Willem.
Starting point is 00:50:31 I don't think I can handle Willem, I'm sorry. You, what the fuck is wrong with you? I don't think that he has a man. Did he say he wouldn't fuck me? I couldn't hear over the laughter. He said, I don't think I can handle Willem. Oh, bye. This is a goddess. Did he say he wouldn't fuck me? I couldn't hear over the laughter. He said, I don't think I could handle Willem. Oh, bye. It's just a goddess.
Starting point is 00:50:47 Look at this bitch. And then you take your big old dick and you slam it into her. Ha ha! I know you got a big honking dick. No, I'm kidding. What do I do to decompress? I recently started pole dancing.
Starting point is 00:51:17 That's a thing that I do. Thank you. To decompress. Also, nothing. People don't realize that, like, Willem probably knows. See ya. Oh, wait.
Starting point is 00:51:31 Oh, you're getting up. She's like, Willem knows that she got up. But our lives are pretty similar. Drag and stand-up is very similar. You're on the go. You're doing shows. You're on a plane. You're fucking exhausted.
Starting point is 00:51:45 Constantly finding drink tickets. Yes yes oh you didn't use and uh so i just like i sleep and i don't do anything i'll just sit in my room and do poppers uh but yeah and what was your second question oh buy me a drink i can't i have to be in Studio City at 6.30 in the fucking morning. Booked and blast. Yes, booked and blast. Booked and tired. Hi, what's your question? This is a question for both of you.
Starting point is 00:52:18 Do you have a blackout slash drunk personality and do they have a name? I only blacked out once. What? Yeah, I've only done it once. I've been drinking since I was six. And then I stopped like four years ago just because I was done,
Starting point is 00:52:33 but I still do drugs. But my blackout was, I remember when I was at 11, which is now Saddle Ranch, and I threw up in a purse and my girlfriend Calpurnia was with me. She's like, honey, we should go. You threw up in your purse.
Starting point is 00:52:44 I was like, that's not my purse. And then I threw up in a purse and my girlfriend Calpurnia was with me. She's like, honey, we should go. You threw up in your purse. I was like, that's not my purse. And then I threw up in a plant and then I left. Season four premiere of Drag Race. I just want to meet the woman who was like, I went out one day. It was nice. I was having a great time. I put my purse down. You know, I just, I just got on a counter.
Starting point is 00:53:08 And then I picked it up and it was full of vomit. That's really funny. Let's see. My blackout persona doesn't have a name because she's quick. She comes. Yeah. a name because she's quick she she comes uh yeah she doesn't do anything good yeah and also when i black out i like go to sleep pretty quickly i'm a pretty functional drunk so like this last season i did a drunk history they. They were like, you don't seem drunk. And I was like fully hammered. And I was like, watch this.
Starting point is 00:53:51 And then I downed a whole bottle of wine. And I asked all of my friends who did Drunk History, I was like, did they give you oxygen after? They were like, no. So my friend Allison sent me a picture of me just on my side, huffing oxygen. I don't remember the car ride home. I also didn't remember demanding pizza. Have you seen it?
Starting point is 00:54:23 Midway through, I'm like, somebody got to give me pizza. and I'm doing it again okay hi hi hi ooh these boots hi um so I'm an adult with excellent taste so that means so that means I'm a fan of the hit sitcom loosely exactly Nicole I did
Starting point is 00:54:50 want to ask in one episode on your dead mother's fried chicken day you go to a soul food restaurant and you're so excited because you think it's the one but then you find out it's a vegan soul food restaurant is that a real place in LA yeah there's tons of vegan soul food restaurant. Is that a real place in LA?
Starting point is 00:55:07 Yeah, there's tons of vegan soul food. It's just like a bunch of white people with dreads being like, I swear it's good. And it's not. But yeah, Dead Mom Chicken Day is because I bake a cake on my mom's birthday every year. We just changed it from cake to chicken. And I don't even bake her favorite cake. I make my favorite cake.
Starting point is 00:55:29 Because I'm like, you fucking dead. You ain't going to eat it. Thank you for laughing. People don't like my dead parent jokes. I told a dead parent joke on NPR to silence. It was I signed up for improv classes. I asked my dad if he would come
Starting point is 00:55:50 and he died before my performance. And he was like, I'd rather die than see my child do object work. They didn't like it. Okay, what's your, ooh, is that it for questions? Cool. Following the dead parent joke is hard. Wait, are you Australian?
Starting point is 00:56:12 No, I'm a New Zealander. That's offensive. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, but also fully understand. Australian people... Yeah, I mean fully understand. Australian people? Yeah, I mean, yeah. So since you both travel so much,
Starting point is 00:56:32 do you have any tips? Because I'm currently traveling, obviously. So how do you get some while you're traveling so much? How do you get fucked when you're traveling? Tinder is great. I know, I know, it sucks. But lately, I've been, like, meeting people in bars. Like, it's fucking 1995.
Starting point is 00:56:57 But yeah, this last dude, so, like, I tried fucking this dude named Benny. I told this story, I think, on the podcast. Did I? Do you guys listen? I tried fucking this dude in Rochester who choked me but like wasn't fucking me. Have I not told this story? Wait what hair were you wearing?
Starting point is 00:57:15 What hair? I was wearing a really cute lace front that needed to be glued down but I said not for me. Not for tonight. And it was like sliding back. It was a bad situation but i told him he could choke me and he was like cool but he wasn't fully hard so he was just like smashing his flaccid dick in me and he was choking me and i looked up and i was like you're just killing me um at least it wasn't your dad joke but tinder tinder is good but also like bars bars are great like people
Starting point is 00:57:48 still get drunk and they still want to fuck and here's the thing if they liked you enough to come to your show they might like you enough to come to your cum see that's a drag thing and a man thing because i mean well my crowd is gay men who are like, girl, take it for a drink, but I'm not going to touch you. Or sometimes I like I'm into women, too. And sometimes they're just like a little too aggressive. And they'll be like, you're a fucking dyke. And you're like, I know. I mean, yes, but why are you screaming at me?
Starting point is 00:58:23 But yeah, I don't I don't think I ever fucked anyone who came to my shows. So sad. Never have I ever. I'm going to lose. Willem, we're at the end. Oh my god, that was so fun. Thank you. Thank you for doing this. Yeah, I love podcasts. If you don't listen to my podcast,
Starting point is 00:58:43 I have one called Race Chaser with Alaska Thunderfuck. I see we have many friends of the pod. And then we do Hockos, another podcast, because they were like, hey, you want to do another? We said, yep. Yeah, why not? Keep getting paid. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date?
Starting point is 00:59:02 Oh, fuck. I didn't do the thing in the beginning. Whatever. Do we need to do any helix mattress breaks no so i don't know how my producer does it in my live episodes but she'll shove an ad in anywhere shove it in marissa's great i fucking love her but if you send me something nasty and wild i'll read it this nice man kyle said i'm gay as a tulip field at a pride parade but you are more than welcome to join a join a throuple with my husband and i i will learn how to turn eating
Starting point is 00:59:32 ass into pleasing that clit just for you which i think is very very sweet um let's see if I have another one. Okay. This gay bear, again a gay man, would brush his teeth in bed. I know how much you love that. And then proceed to insert the quip electric toothbrush into your pussy,
Starting point is 01:00:01 spelled wrong, all night long. I don't know. That is not how you get rid of gingivitis. No, it's not. And then this person said, oh, this man said I'm writing to tell you that there
Starting point is 01:00:17 are straight single men out there who would enthusiastically date you. I do not find your humor brilliant. Does not respect your art. non-threatening then he said i don't mean that patronizingly uh sorry sorry you keep getting headed for platonic dates so then i answered him and i was like lol this is the definition of patronizing but then then he was like, I made a mistake. And I was like, Oh sick. Where do you live?
Starting point is 01:00:47 And he was like Philly. And I was like, I'll be there. So I guess this is how I fuck. I'm going to find a day of. Yeah. Yeah. I'm going to save them by the city that their last name is always a city.
Starting point is 01:00:59 See, that's smart. So you can go back and look. Yeah. And then, uh, nevermind. I don't need to tell you all my phone codes.
Starting point is 01:01:05 They're in the book. That's it. Can I ride your hovercraft? Oh and look. Yeah. And then, uh, nevermind. I don't need to tell you all my phone codes. They're in the book. That's it. Can I ride your hovercraft? Oh my God. Totally. Do you think I'll die? I'll do this in front of people. This seems like a bad idea.
Starting point is 01:01:19 Is there a weight limit? No, not at all. Are you sure? Imagine I step on it. No, not at all. I don't know. No, you'll be good. You just keep the knees bent
Starting point is 01:01:27 a little bit and then it's like if you even think about going over your left shoulder, you just bend a little bit and then it will take you there. So just don't be scared of it and then get one foot. Hold a little railing because if you die, they'll laugh. Okay. Okay.
Starting point is 01:01:43 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, I'll help. Okay. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Starting point is 01:01:52 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Starting point is 01:02:00 Yeah! You did great. You did so good. Good job. Thank you. you good job this is a definition of patriotic good job and if you're listening i got on a is a is a hoverboard i got on it doesn't hover but that's what i call it what is it called a rolly fun time? A wheelie board, which sounds stupid. I wanted a hoverboard when I saw Jetsons when I was a kid. So I just considered this my hoverboard. Well, I got on this wheelie board and I didn't move.
Starting point is 01:02:35 And I fully screamed right into Willem's face. No, I forgot it was a podcast. I was like, who are you talking to? They know. They saw it. Hi, podcast land. Yes, yes. And that's it. Thank you so much for coming out.
Starting point is 01:02:46 Have a good night. Bye. On my 100th episode, I'm recording this later because I got the answers later. I said to you guys that I met this man in Houston in an elevator and I asked him some questions to answer on the podcast and make a voice recording. And he did do it. If you hear slurping, it is because he's drinking boba tea. It is cut out of the episode, but he truly explains what boba tea is if you don't know what it is. Also, there's a nice lady there. It was 16 minutes, but it's been edited down to four minutes. And I will just gently remind you of what I asked him. Well, I guess it's in
Starting point is 01:03:33 the episode, but I asked him when you met me, did you think he would sleep with me? Two, am I a good time? Three, do I fuck good? Four, is my pussy nice? Five, if you weren't an Eastern European man who lives in Malaysia, would you date me? And then anything else you can say that now and then the last question was did you laugh when you read those questions and then i said he didn't answer for a while i said if it's too explicit i could tone it down let me know he goes nope uh i'll do it and let me tell you he answered none of the questions so i uh dm'd him to be like gentle reminder to send me the recording of your of you answering the questions so I can edit it into the episode so he wrote back recorded how we met and if we would date skip sexual performance I mean because for me if I say yes I would date it's beyond
Starting point is 01:04:16 sexual so I don't know what that means other than uh some people most, aren't like me. So I hope you enjoy his answers. They're actually cute and sweet. So if I'm ever in Malaysia, I guess I'll go find my friend. So I was in Houston for the business trip, right? I entered the lift. This young lady enters the lift as well with two big fat ass luggages seriously like super heavy, super heavy stuff. So the young lady actually was Nicole. I started to the conversation in
Starting point is 01:05:02 the lift and I'm like, what are you carrying? Shopping or something like that, you know? And she's like, oh no, hey, no, it's a merchandise. I'm a comedian. I'm like, oh, okay. And I'm like, which floor are you going? She was like looking for her card, you know, in the bag and bag and stuff like you know and she has these two luggage's I helped I'm like oh but you're going seventh floor same as mine so it happened she's going same floors same as mine I'm like I'm gonna help you I'm gonna help you you know
Starting point is 01:05:39 it's like so it's me who's doing my daily workout in the evening by carrying those. And one is like panther color. No, leopard. Leopard was like leopard color. And then what happened next is I'm like, okay, let's have some wine to celebrate. And Nico was like, sure. Let me go and make a call. I'll be back in one hour. So she knocked at the door and she's like, Here I am. And she has like, a bottle of wine base was like a bottle, you know, it was 37 centiliters bottle so it was like it was like for one person what this short yes it
Starting point is 01:06:30 was like damn small bottle actually so it was like super small bottle so i look at this bottle i'm like i felt at that moment how stressed i was and uh but she told me about about her work and everything like how much effort it takes and uh and um i understood like she's like really professional she's like professional she knows what she's talking about and she's like super smart and um yeah so it's not like uh just i understood that she was also super tired after the performance you know like super tired but she was funny she was funny and good good energy and good vibe so made me like super relaxed made me super relaxed and uh all terms yeah adorable person seriously and
Starting point is 01:07:38 i wish we had time to engage more like into conversations and things like that. But definitely I, I kind of like wanted to keep in touch. So the question with the date, Nicole, I don't know if I think maybe if, if, uh, if my path crossed again with her and I could sense like this common interest. Yeah, of course, because I consider her as like a good, good person overall and as a professional. So that's what I respect. That's why I can say, that's why I can say beyond the being like not just funny. She's also like genuine, which is a sign of charisma as well for a woman so that's where i can say that's where i sense like there was like a good connection
Starting point is 01:08:37 random random encounter like this but a good connection i don't know if it answers all the questions i think it's ours it's not it's not really the question that i've been asked to answer but that's just the story that's what i'm capable of delivering i would say this has been a team coco production

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