Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Addicted to Love (w/ Moshe Kasher)

Episode Date: March 29, 2024

Comedian and writer Moshe Kasher chats with Nicole about being a ho, going to a 12-step program for sex addicts, and his experience going through therapy 8 days a week. Plus lots of dating horror stories, including the tale of the biting blowjob.Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where I was trying to figure out why I'm still single. But the jury's out. Nobody knows. It's upsetting. I cry a lot. My guest today is an Emmy Award winning comedian, writer and actor you've seen in Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Good Place and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Chasm, The Good Place, and Brooklyn Nine-Nine.

Along with his wife, he co-hosts the Endless Honeymoon podcast. His new memoir, Subculture Vulture, is available now. It's Moshe Kasher! Yay! Moshe, how did you get a wife? Oh, now that's... I could have done this podcast ten years ago. I could have done Why Won't You Date Me? I was a perpetually single man.

I was what we call in these streets, a hoe. Oh, a hoe and a bow. Okay. All right. I like to hear that. So did you have like chuckle fuckers and shit? Oh, chuckle fuck. What a terrible, what a truly terrible term.

You know, when I was, I went to therapy actually once upon a time, not for chuckle fuckers. They were a kind of secondary therapy for me. I see. for me but um i see but i went to therapy when i was 16 years old the state funding on my therapy ran out and i at that time in my life was in therapy i am not kidding nicole eight times a week eight eight times a week you were in therapy eight times a week i was five days a week but there's only seven days in a week. You gotta double up, Nicole. Once in a while, you gotta double up. How do you have that much to talk about? Well, my mom started sending me to therapy when I was four, four years old. And I was

unrelentingly in therapy from four years old until 16, at which point it was rehab five days a week uh individual therapy family therapy and group therapy and it was you'll be shocked to hear not the most pleasant experience of childhood i could imagine therapy ran out when i was 16 and i did and i said to myself at that point i had just gotten sober like six months earlier i finally like got like got my life together and i or i was getting my life together and i swore to myself i will never go back to therapy for the rest of my life uh i'm done this has been trauma i'm out and then and then about 15 years later, I found myself perpetually single. And by the way, perpetually single is good if you want to be perpetually single.

But I wanted to figure out how to connect with somebody. I'd never had that experience. I'd had a lot of like, I've had a lot of fun on the surface, but I'd never had anything even close to intimacy. And so I had this like realization, why am I living my life based on a decision i made as a 16 year old recently sober uh juvenile delinquent drug addict and i went back to therapy at i don't know 28 29 specifically to figure out how to find

love and what it was it was blocking me from it did you figure it out well it was sort of i had this um i i had this realization that i was doing a lot of um somebody once described it as sleeping with people you wouldn't have lunch with have you ever had that experience oh absolutely absolutely i've like fucked people to be like will you shut up if i just throw down a little ass can we stop talking yeah is that a possibility stop being boring like yeah i get that i'm there was a situation once my whole deal was if you were willing i was down like that was my rule oh it was a pretty low bar if you if you were willing, I was down. Like, that was my rule. Oh.

It was a pretty low bar. If you consented, then I would hook up with you. Who's the wildest person you've hooked up with? Well, there's been a lot of, there was a lot of wild. I remember I was, I remember I was, you want one that was they were wild or that it sent me wild? I'll give you both. Both.

I remember when I first moved to LA, there was this girl. So by the way, when you're out here in these streets, like hoeing around, once in a while, you encounter someone that like out hoes you in such a way that you're like, I'm, I thought. How do you live? Yeah, you think you're like, I thought I was like, really, really savage. I meet you and I'm like, oh, I bow down to you. I bow down to your level of sophistication.

I met a girl who was, we went, it was new in LA and we went back to her place and we, I smoked clove cigarettes at the time. And we were smoking clove cigarettes together and hooking up and making out. And then she goes, put one out on me. And I go, what? And she's like, yeah, yeah, put it out on me. And I'm like, no, I think no. I don't think I can do that.

No, thank you. That's not for me. So, yeah, I wanted to like make her desires fulfilled. So I kind of, you know, I feigned it. I kind of like, you know, brush it against her and go like, this is a little much for me. So then we start hooking up and we're making out and she's really, really rough, like really rough. And she's going down on me, and she starts biting. I mean, biting, biting.

No. And I go, no, ow, no, that hurts. And it's like biting. It's not like, argh. It's like a feral. Not nibbling. She's hungry. No, this is a hyena who has a fresh kill.

And then all of a sudden,'s doing that i keep telling her to stop and then she she goes what what is that you know that tone when like someone's in your genital area and they say what is that and it's like oh no yes i have a that uh-huh oh no i have something weird there's something weird and i go what is what what is what and she goes, there's something weird down here. And I look and there is a contusion, like a big purple bruised bulge. And I go, that is you. You did that. That's not me. I didn't have that when I arrived.

You gnawed your way into it. You injured me. You injured my poor little scrotum oh no so that that was the the hookup and then the next day she texted me like hey we should hang out again and i go um yeah i i would be down i think you're really cool but i think maybe you play a little too rough for me and it was a little too much for me physically and she she responded okay no problem nice meeting you i just i respected it so much like there was no part of her that was like i could dial it back she's like no that's i'm at 10 she's like this

is what i do you will not soften. I will bite your dick off. You'll like it or you don't. And if you don't, I'll find someone who does. She's incredible. And I wonder what she's doing now. I do wonder what she's doing as well. I've thought about her often.

And I couldn't imagine she's doing wonderfully. But maybe. But maybe. Maybe she's full. Maybe she's settled down. Yeah maybe maybe she's full maybe she's maybe she's finally settled down and she yeah maybe she's like i'm satiated can't be eating dicks anymore she's in church right now i used to eat dicks and i don't mean that and everyone's like whoa and what's a yeah what's the story where you went off the rails after well okay this is a this is

a story actually that's in the new book and i you know i got to this like i had a lot of fun and part of my whole thing was that like you know i was when i got sober i was just like a little kid that had no sexual experience i'd had sex one time and it was just like, and like the women that I met, it's just kind of cool. And I'm getting to the part where I'm a disgusting pig. But what was cool about being sober at 15 is I was younger than every woman in the AA and NA meetings that I would go to and none of them. And like the slightest interest, I mean, zero.

No one treated me as a sexual creature in any way right so i had this cool experience of spending you know a couple of years in this like recovery setting where all of the women around me were these big sisters to me they you know they treated me like like somebody that that they were there to help. And there was no sexual desire. Maybe I desired them. But these were, you know, 18, 17, 18, 19-year-old women that were, like, in recovery themselves and kind of teaching me about, like, how to live in the world, how to treat women, how to, like, you know, be a different kind of person. And so then by the time I, like, started going to raves, which is one of the big parts of the book, and like actually hooking up with girls, I had had this kind of emotional reset. Like I was a hoe, but I had been also taught this kind of like, I don't know, reverence for women.

Respect. Yeah, I guess so. Yes. Yeah. I mean, I wasn't a perfect guy when I was dating. I ghosted people and I didn't call people back. And I, you know, there are things that i wish i'd done differently in my single life but in general i feel like those women that i met when i was young really helped me out but by the time i was i don't know 28 like like we said i was uh i was in these streets hoeing and and i had that rule uh if you were down i was i was willing so one night this girl and this had been an ongoing process and

i'd been going to therapy trying to figure out why i was so promiscuous and in so many ways it was like just another drug you know like it was a fun drug yeah replacing an addiction with another one yeah and i i had a lot of great times but i also did a lot of things where i was just like like i said why am i sleeping with somebody that i don't even like? So this girl texted me one night and she was like, can I come over? And I didn't want, I wanted to say no, but I had my rule. So I go, oh, yeah, sure. And she comes over and we're hooking up. And at a certain point in the hookup, she starts like really scratching at this like spot on her butt, like really.

And then I look at the spot and i'm like oh that's a it's now i it's my turn to say what's this did you meet that girl from hollywood that bites things like there was this like bright red like rash looking thing and i go oh no like oh that's like i don't that's butt crabs or butt scabies. It's butt something. It's butt something. Butt crabs. It's butt something.

So she leaves after we're done. And I start panicking, like freaking out. And I go, oh, my God, I got the butt. I got butt stuff. And I run to my kitchen and I grab a bottle of, I grab a can of Lysol and I start spraying my legs with Lysol. And it was at that moment that I finally understood the old saying, if you ever find yourself dousing your legs in sodium benticotazole, it is time to seek help. And while I was spraying myself with Lysol, which is not, by the way, an anti-STI spray. No, it definitely is not.

It definitely is not. Nowhere in any book or any health class has someone been like, hey, if you think you got butt stuff, just spray yourself with some Lysol. You thought Lysol was just for cleaning your counters? Oh, no, honey. No, you can also... No, it immediately kills any infection on your legs. I look out the window.

I'm spraying myself, and I look out the window, and the woman is there walking to her car. And I don't think she saw me, or if she did, she pretended she didn't. But at that moment, thinking about her looking in post-hookup to the guy she just hooked up with, naked in his kitchen, spraying himself with Lysol. Dousing himself with Lysol. I'd be like, oh, no. I'm a dirty bitch.

I'd be so sad. So at that moment, I go, I think I need help. I think maybe I'm a sex addict. And so I, I look up at that point, like I said, I was in 12 step groups. So I look up, um, sex addicts, anonymous meetings, right? And I'm like, tomorrow I'm going to go to a sex addicts, anonymous meeting. So I do, I go, I get my car, I drive over to Atwater village where there's a sex addicts, anonymous meeting. And I'm sitting in my car and I have to atwater village where there's a sex addicts anonymous meeting and i'm sitting in my car and i have this realization of why uh aa has that anonymous part like now it

doesn't matter anymore we all know like eminem and like sam malone like people that's cool you're in recovery but early early days of aa like it was social and professional suicide to be like i'm an alcoholic and that's how i felt sitting in that car feeling the effects of that uh of that lysol i go so i pull my hat down all like uh you know pink panther style and like my collar up and i hustle across the street and i go into this meeting and i start listening to these men and women in this meeting and i'm immediately like flooded with relief like oh i don't know what i've got going on psychologically but it isn't this like this is these people are talking about different yeah they've got you know they're talking about liquidating their children's savings account for sex workers and like

you know uh getting home from work at 5 30 turning on the computer loading up the porn and then all of a sudden the sun is rising like i'm like okay oh shit yeah like they recontextualized my uh what it was what's going on and i was feeling really grateful for them for like you know their truth and like understanding myself and the kind of window into myself that they allowed me and really feeling like, wow, these people are brave that they're dealing with such a difficult addiction. When all of a sudden a man walks in and he sits right next to me and he raises his hand, and this is towards the end of the meeting. In this meeting, have you ever been to a 12-step

meeting? Yes. I went to an OA meeting and it was very strange because it was in la and it was just a bunch of thin people being like i ate today and i was like that's not my story you had the opposite you had the opposite a lot today you had the opposite experience as me you're like fuck you fakes yeah um yeah at oa meetings in la instead of a coffee pot, it's just an Ozempic. Yeah, truly. Yeah, a ladle of Ozempic. It's like a soup ladle. Okay, I'm feeling good.

I feel good today. Actually, OA is a perfect analogy for what happened in this meeting, because overeating and addictive food stuff similarly to sex stuff is a really difficult kind of addiction in that you have to you can't actually abstain there's no no true abstention you have to find a a way to engage with the addiction with the addictive substance that is healthy right and so as a result of that i think as a result of that they did something unusual at the sex addicts anonymous meeting which is that every person that raised their hand said their name and you know my name's motion i'm a sex addict and i've been sober for

blank and you know they all would announce how long they had been abstaining from unhealthy sexual behavior and um and this guy comes in 10 minutes before the meeting raises his hand and he goes hi i'm so and so i'm a sex addict and i've been sober for 30 minutes and i go oh no and i go oh oh oh no because i know what's about to happen at the end of the meeting is about to end and the way every 12-step meeting ends is that you stand up you take the hand of the partner of the recovery brother or sister standing next to you and the way every 12-step meeting ends is that you stand up you take the hand of the partner of the recovery brother or sister standing next to you and you say the serenity prayer and i'm staring at those hands that are still still moist from fingering that sex worker in the car

outside the meeting and i'm going oh i'm not uh-uh i'm not holding that fucking hand i'm not there's no way as much as i honor these men and women i'm not holding that fucking hand so the minute that meeting ended i i fucking beelined for the door uh i love those men and women but uh not that much i had forgotten my lysol god that's wild yeah it's one of those things where it's like i would like to have sex in a normal way but it's like i simply can't and that's me with food like i have such a weird relationship with it my whole life has been weird with it it's like you eat too much you're eating too little and you're like well i have to fucking eat wait moshe i have a question so you got sober and then started going to raves and then you're also a comedian where it's like we do shows in clubs and shit where there's like tons of drinking around does that trigger you or are you so far removed from it that you're like whatever i have this weird no mostly the answer is just no

i don't feel triggered um i have this weird um experience where i had done so little with my life before i got sober i had been such a just a creature of like you know it's 12 13 years old it's not like you're out there 12 13 years old it's not like you're out there like actually partying you're just like dropping acid and drinking 40s and smoking blunts and that's the whole of the thing you're not traveling and taking acid in the in the woods or whatever so i had everything i've done stand up sex raves burning man they all are completely decontextualized from me getting high in those spaces that I don't have. I don't have that thing that a lot of people have when they get try to get sober after they've done, you know, partied in those spaces where it's so difficult.

Yeah. Okay. Like sex. I've had sex one time before I stopped drinking. Sex is a sober experience for me. Oh, that's so interesting. sober experience for me. Oh, that's so interesting. Because yeah, like, if I, I think of bars, and I'm like, you drink in a bar, because I, you know, started drinking, like immediately started going to bars. But it's like, yeah, if that's not what you did, that's it doesn't resonate in your brain that way. Addiction is interesting. It's very weird. And I talk a lot about what it is that addiction actually is, because it's such a in the book, because it's such a very weird and i talk a lot about what it is that addiction actually is because it's such

a in the book because it's such a confusing when you talk about food and sex in particular it gets more confusing and abstract it's like you it's kind of like you know it when you do it you know like you know yes it's unhealthy but it's also the most healthy thing in the in the world sex and eating is like biological baseline imperative. Like, so what does it mean to be addicted to a thing that your body needs or wants and you must do? It's all super confusing what actually addiction is. Yeah, it is super confusing.

And it's a thing that I've been working on with my therapist because she's like, well, what goes through your mind? And I'm like, oh, I need to finish what I'm eating. And she's like, well, why? And I'm like, because what if I never get it again? She's like, well, what if you put it in the refrigerator, you get it later? And I'm like, well, then that's different. I don't want to return to it. I want to finish it now. And then my doctor was like, what goes through your brain? And I was like, lady, I don't like, I just want to finish food. I just want to eat as much as I can and then sit on my couch and then like be full. And then you get sick and then you're like, well, that was bad. And then you're like, oh, now I feel bad about it. It's a whole, it's a weird fucking circle. And we were talking

about Ozempic and I read that like Ozempic, they're testing it with people who have addiction issues, and it curbs that, like, I must get high or I must eat things. And I'm like, that's pretty interesting. And everyone's, like, demonizing it. And I'm like, you know, maybe it's like a game changer for addiction. Well, it's that kind of idea of, like, harm reduction. We've got this idea in the world that there's, and there is not so much with food addiction, although maybe because I don't know as much about that.

But there's this problem with addiction in general, which is that it's simultaneously a psychological disorder, a physical problem, and a moral failing, right? It's like yeah and i think maybe food is a little less in this way but maybe not like you know so there's all of these these prejudices like oh you should you shouldn't take ozempic to get better because then you haven't dealt with your moral failing right or you then you haven't dealt with like you and it's kind of like well why what what if i could just be healthy and happy in this different way and and i could supersede the thing like what you're talking about yeah with food and with drugs and with sex and all

of that is that there's something emotional happening there's something that it you know in in 12-step thing they call it like a this is not a great euphemism for sex but like a a god-shaped hole have you heard that phrase before no it's it's yeah it's very suggestive but and and listen if you're not a god person you know you can substitute the the idea of like a you know an emotional hole where you're trying to fill it with a thing that will distract you from getting sort of like beneath the surface to figure out like what really is the thing that makes makes one person eat and go i am full everything is good and another person eat and go oh i'm panicked if i don't finish it i won't like

be okay or uh what is the thing that makes one person drink a beer and like have a good time. And then the other person like, you know, cheat on their wife and puke in an alley and like steal their, their kids piggy bank. Like it's this weird kind of mystery of the human. Yeah. And I wonder if we'll ever get to the bottom of it. I feel like we won't because there's such a stigma because it's like fatty go to the gym and it's like, okay, well if I go to the the gym you can't outrun a bad diet or not a bad diet but like overeating and over indulging or whatever and it's like we'll just get sober and it's like well you got to get over

being sick and or like whatever if you're addicted to something and yeah i just i believe in harm reduction i love i think it's like sweden where it's like you can go get your shit tested make sure it's pure they help you they give you clean needles they watch you and me personally i'm like i think that's okay that's in moderation you're not gonna od and that's also creating jobs for people i don't i don't know i it's it's such a weird thing that people are like no no you the harm reduction doesn't work that i'm like i don't know it might i i kind of i do fully agree with that that why make people happy like what what is why why must a person struggle to be happy if there's a possibility that they could be happy in a way that doesn't doesn't have such a high barrier of labor that 90% of the people trying it won't do it and will just die or be depressed.

This is why I think being a human being is an unnatural experience in some way. Like, you know, like we're not, you don't see animals out there like going, like fucking mating and then afterwards being like, what the fuck is wrong with me? I'm such a slut. Like they're just like, they're just like, bang, bang, bang.

They're just happy to be out here. Yeah, and you don't see a hyena at a dead gazelle going like, I don't know. I'm just such a piece of shit. I ate too much gazelle. They're just like, give me the gazelle and I'm back to the steps or whatever, you know?

Like, being a human is so complicated and weird. And so this is why I don't think, actually actually we will solve it because of Ozempic. I think like we've evolved so quickly that our emotional responses to things aren't really normal. food if you look at the animal kingdom it's not normal to to feel ashamed of sex it's not normal to obliterate your consciousness on drugs and alcohol but science has also evolved really quickly and i have a feeling that an ozempic or something like it will come solve the problem before we ever get to like what is it about being human that makes this so challenging that is so interesting that like humanity is like we won't get to the bottom of things we have lots of people studying shit we'll just put a band-aid on it and it'll be fine we'll get to the top of things yeah real quick moshe we have to take a break

And we're back. Okay. So Moshe, how did you meet your wife, Natasha? Okay. So I've been going to therapy. I've been doing all this work. I was still full on slut mode. Like I had this feeling like if I went to therapy, it would solve slut mode. And I had this idea that slut mode was keeping me from finding the partner that they were

at odds direct odds with each other right like if i kept sleeping around i would miss the the woman that was walking by uh who i was supposed to be with or whatever because i would be like chasing some meaningless experience and then i went i remember i went to australia and there was this book in the in the condo at the com the comedy store in australia called the road less traveled by m scott peck uh have you ever heard about that or read it it's old sure haven't it's old and it's very like um you know 1950s 60s pop psychology like there's a lot in there that that if you read it you'd be like oh my god like you know i i guess but it had this really profound impact on me like i started to realize it it talked in there about like the difference between what they were calling like

love and lust right and and i don't think lust i think lust is the wrong word but it was a 50s word i think they that they were to me what they were talking about was like that feeling of euphoria when you first start dating someone infatuation yeah infatuation where you're and i was so unexperienced in in love that i thought infatuation was what love was i thought the butter i had like a butterfly o meter right and like when i would start to date a woman that i was excited about i would like monitor the butterfly right and i would go oh i got the butterfly i think i'm in love with her and then if they if it ever dropped i would go oh my god i don't love her i have to get out of here immediately and it would be like i used to describe it as like an executioner switch

it would be like i gotta get like i gotta get the fuck out of here like immediately now and i would break it off because i would be terrified of i was terrified of real intimacy you know i had these uh that's why i was so good at long distance relationships is because ah they keep this butterfly you don't have to be that intimate yeah exactly you just it's just a fantasy it's like oh we go to new york and have a star-crossed weekend and then then I'm back to California just doing what I do. And I read this book and it was basically saying like a lot of us, when we think about love, we're thinking about lust or as we're saying like infatuation. And that's as far as we get.

And it goes like in every relationship, the infatuation dissipates. It's like the nature of relationships. infatuation dissipates it's like the nature of relationships and and the and what is what you experience after the dissipation that's what love is or isn't like that's when you figure out if you actually love a person and that was like a big realization for me and he he said also like love is always an act of courage it's an act of doing something scary uh and putting yourself out there emotionally in a courageous way and i realized i've never i've had the opposite of courage i've been like an incredible emotional coward um like i said a woman that i liked and was connecting with the minute i had this like drug feeling go away i would go i'm out and i'm gonna go find another drug right

so so that was like really, and he described like real love is caring about another person's, uh, you know, emotional and spiritual wellbeing as much or, uh, or more than your own. And that was like a big kind of thunderclap. And I remember after that, I real, I contacted an ex-girlfriend, uh, that I had run away from. I contacted an ex-girlfriend that I had run away from. And I was like, I have this, I've had this realization that I was, you know, really afraid when we were together. And I never, I never treated you the way you needed to be treated and with the courage that our relationship deserved. And I want to know if you'd like to give it another shot.

And she was like, nope nope not even close to interested um and i i was a little confused because i thought i've done the courage thing like you know the the myth yeah this was the first woman i ever went on a date with actually so i had this like i had this fantasy narrative that like oh she's the one i'm supposed to be with you know like my first my first date ever with was to add the adams family with her and i wore um a bro like a bro parka like a mexican parka boxer shorts with underwear underneath it do you remember when boxer shorts were like okay as outerwear i don't know if you remember no i simply don't remember that moshe i don't know if that's real.

I think maybe you said, this is what I'm going to do. I think I'm a little older than you. I think it's possible. Maybe. I think you might have missed one of the fads. Yeah, that simply just really went above my head. I don't think I've ever seen that. I mean, I've seen people like sagging their pants.

So you see like a lot of boxer, but never have I seen someone just in public in boxers. I think I need your listeners to write in and support me. Or maybe this was like a, maybe this was a fugue state. This was like a white people shit fugue state I was in. Oh, maybe. It could be.

So I was wearing the boxers and like a bandana and rollerblades. I was in. Oh, maybe. It could be. So I was wearing the boxers and like a bandana and rollerblades. I was in rollerblades. Now I'm not going to make a claim that that was ever cool. Okay. This is funny because then you were like, do you want to date me again? I can see why she said no. Well, it's worse. At the

Addams Family, I came in the rollerblades. I felt like I was so cool looking and I took a step on the like carpeted so cool looking and i took a step on the like a carpeted uh movie theater ground and she took a step towards me and i fell she tripped me and i fell down onto the ground and she had to lift me up anyway the point is i thought what a romantic story you know 28 now i'm almost 30 years old i had this realization about love she's the one and she said no. And it was like, oh, my God.

Okay, it's not a fairy tale. Like, it takes work. But doing a courageous act, that was like a big shift for me, right? Like, I did a courageous act. I put myself out there emotionally. And it didn't work. But that's okay. Like, on to the next.

So then Natasha, who was kind of always my comedy dream girl but like she was dating other people and i was out here you know get catching butt scabies and um but i was in this like emotional state where i was like open and ready to like take a vulnerable leap and i went she was single and she invited me to a party at her actually this is crazy nicole i i didn't even think about this until this moment. Now, your listeners won't know this, but maybe they will. You have a purple sweatshirt on

and you have Whoopi Goldberg as your Zoom name, right? It was a joke that we riffed on when I first got on the Zoom. This is true. I went to her house she was flirting with some intern from like a 25 year old intern from the pete holmes show and i was like oh maybe she's not interested then i went home that night and i had a dream about her and i also i'm not joking had a dream about whoopi goldberg. Really? This is true.

They were separate dreams. And then in the morning, I texted Natasha, hey, I had a dream about you and Whoopi Goldberg. I put Whoopi Goldberg into the Natasha dream to kind of like offset the creep factor just a little bit. I was dreaming about a lot of stuff.

You know, one of the seminal performers of the 1980s and 90s. And then you were there actually as well So I combined the dreams And I said, I had a dream about you and Whoopi Goldberg last night And Natasha wrote back Come over and let's smoke some cigarettes tonight And I was like, yippee

And I went over to her place and we smoked some cigarettes And this is the funny part Natasha was, I think, somewhat recently out of a relationship And she was over to her place and we smoked some cigarettes. And this is the funny part. Natasha was, I think, you know, somewhat recently out of a relationship. And she was trying to smash. Like that was her thing. She was trying to smash. And I was trying to love. I was trying to heart smash.

And so Natasha was kind of like, what's up? And I was like, I said no. I was like, no, I don't want to. Maybe for the first time or definitely for the most significant time. I was like, I don't want to hook up with you because you're my peer and you're my friend. And I don't want to sexualize our relationship until I know that I feel emotional and sort of love connection with you. And she was like, what the fuck is wrong with this guy? I'm just trying to get my dick wet over here.

And this dude's playing hard to get um and that's how we started dating is i was being coy and because i really was like ready for something new and uh natasha was the first woman that i ever said let's like be monogamous like let me shut down my sex life for you she was not the first woman i ever said that I loved, but pretty close to the first. She is the first long-term monogamous relationship I've ever had. And she's also my wife and the mother of my child.

So I have very little big relationship experience. It's really just her. But that's nice. I think that's so nice. Whenever people go from relationship to relationship, I'm like, aren't you tired? Don't you just want one how are you doing this you to get to know people again you also work together so like does that ever get exhausting i would you know what is everything was easy in our relationship uh until a child came into the mix now a child it it makes the

workload go up to such a degree that all of the things that you found uh annoying but acceptable about your partner all of a sudden you don't have the bandwidth to like ignore because you're focusing on like this like little tyrant that's shitting everywhere. And so the work together... I like working with Natasha, especially stand-up. Because stand-up is the lamest part of stand-up. When you are single and sober, there really is nothing to do on the road. It's just like you're just sitting... I remember my first New Year's after being with Natasha,

I was at Grand Rapids at Dr. Grin's. You ever play that at the Bob? I haven't, but I've heard of Dr. Grin's. Comedy clubs have bad names. I'll say it. That's a hot take. The Chuckle Hut, Dr. Grin's. What are we doing?

The Funny Bone. Stop it. I found the worst named one ever when I was researching the book. It was in- Magoobies? No, it makes Mag goobies no it's it's it makes my goobies look like carolines nicole it was called and i am not kidding in

galita california pee yo pants it was like a name i'm headlining pee.O. Pants. That's, oh my God, that's wild. Truly a treat. Nicole, what are you doing this weekend? Oh, I'm at P.O. Pants. Yeah, I got a really good door deal at P.O. Pants. I'm keeping 90% of the door at P.O. Pants

and a little bit of urine if you pee your pants. The drink specials at P.O. Pants, they're really something else. God, that's funny. I was at Dr. Grin's that first New Year's, and I remember it was 12.05. I was in bed with some baked lays watching Netflix at 12.05 on New Year's Eve.

I go, okay, I'm in a relationship now. So being on the road with Natasha is the funnest because it's like okay this is like my my favorite person and the shows are really fun and i get to go home with the headliner and so does she oh look at that that honestly must be the fucking best i get lonely on the road because it's like oh i had a good show and you get back to the hotel room and you're like okay i could call a friend and be like i had a good show but it's like i don't want to call a friend i want someone who like gives a shit about me and bucks me and loves me exactly wait okay real quick moshe we have to take a break are there things that are off the table for you guys in your relationship or is like everything okay in terms of in terms of what like comedy like can you make jokes about anything

or do you run shit past each other first oh natasha in particular i thought you were asking whether or not she could create a contusion on my nutsack. And if that was on the table. Yeah, can she gnaw your dick off? Yeah, that's on the table. But it's because love, Nicole, love requires courage. And the ability to put yourself in spaces that make you a bit uncomfortable. So for Natasha, I will allow her to gnaw my dick completely off.

But for that young woman in Hollywoodllywood i just didn't feel that emotional connection to be able to be vulnerable in that way i get that yeah i get it um no natasha is really one of the things she said really made her fall this is such a comedian version of falling in love that really made her fall in love with me is she was writing a joke um and she was like could i say that about you on stage? And I said to her, like, you can 100% say whatever you want about me on stage anytime. Like, I don't care at all. There are no limits to you making fun of me on stage. Now, she has misunderstood that to mean she can also do that at a party with our peers around.

do that at a party with our peers around and I had to explain like you know when it's on stage it pays the bills when it's off stage it hurts the feelings so it's different it is an interesting thing I people I've dated I've run jokes past and they've been like no thank you or like we haven't worked through that yet so I'd love it if you didn't say that and I'm like okay but um I also don't know how to explain to non-comed. That's like anything I'm saying on stage isn't malicious. I know I'm not trying to hurt your feelings. It's just my perspective of what I found funny about a situation that's not necessarily funny. And yeah, I haven't really dated comedians. So it's like, it's hard to explain that. And it's also funny because like i'll do a joke or like i'll meet somebody and they'll be like oh you're gonna write a joke about me and i'm like i don't know i don't know

if i'll like you enough to do that i totally understand you know something interesting enough to do that right are you gonna be funny that's what you ask him guys like that by the way guys love that especially from a really funny woman they're dating. For you to be like a world-class comedian and then also be dating a guy and be like constantly calling out that he's not really that funny, I would say that would be a big turn on. Ah, yeah. Okay. Then why am I single? I can't believe it. Well, you know, sometimes you're just, you got to tell somebody you're not funny, so I'm not going to talk about you.

I think that people also miss it. I totally agree what you're just, you got to tell somebody you're not funny. So I'm not going to talk about you. I think that people also miss it. I totally agree what you're saying. Like, I've never written a joke because I'm like, oh, I want to like really fucking slam this person or this group or this. It's like, it's always, this seemed funny to me. And people also always underestimate how difficult it is to generate material. It's not like I'm choosing between 10 hours of material and going like, well, this one I'll really get to slam my ex-lover. It's like, no, I'm just trying to put an hour together here, and these are the funny things I observed.

That is funny. I'll go visit my family, and then something, you know, a chuckle happens, and then they'll turn to me and be like, put it in your act. They don't say act. They're like, put it in one of your skits. And I'm like, you want me to put that in a skit? That was barely a chuckle from everybody. What do you mean? Yeah. So our relationship, for sure. I don't think all comedians that date each other, by the way, are are like no holds barred say whatever you want but i i like it when natasha makes fun of me on stage i think it's funny

and i also think i don't know maybe i think there's something a little bit emotionally cathartic about it in a way that's like you can bring your grievances of of the way i am and our relationship onto stage in this like kind of crafted way that allows you to both talk about it and me to hear it and also me to go i respect the craft behind the joke so i can both hear it to change and i can also uh-huh like say like i respect the joke and and it pays the bills i mean one of my favorite things is when a friend roasts me i was talking about a friend who had their colon removed and i was like did you hear about so and so his colon they took it and my friend was like what who took

it why did you say it like that and they just like late and then it was like five friends just like laid into me and roasted me and i was like that's the best that i like and then be able to like get it like a couple nights a week from someone who writes great jokes. It's just delightful. There's nothing funner and more enjoyable than being made fun of in a way that is so high level that you are simultaneously impressed, humiliated, and laughing. That's when you realize your peer group you're just like god i deal with a fucking high level of intelligence in a very specific way they're not generally intelligent they're very they're very targetedly intelligent very simple people and yeah they're just like oh

this thing you said oh i'm gonna use it for the rest of my life i have to say i i i think that part of that where i first started to love that was in aa and i think that's what set me up to like love comedy and comedians and such a and what we do is like the dark gallows humor of aa and the 12 steps is um it set me up to be this like dark funny thinker in a particular way that i'm super grateful for yeah i could imagine because you hear like the darkest of stories and then you're like you as a comedian you kind of like can cherry pick oh that's kind of like you being like this man saying that he was sober from sex for 30 minutes and you immediately were like your hands what were you doing with your hands like

other people wouldn't think like that they just be like oh no he's got to start over again but it's like no i'm not touching this motherfucker i'm not doing that that's so funny i think i love dark twisted people i think that really is the story of my life is like this book is all about like the six the six universes i've i've lived in which are like the deaf world, the Hasidic Jewish world, stand-up, Burning Man, raves, and AA. And I love weirdos. I love weirdos. And I think that's why when I met you, you know that feeling when you meet a comedian and you go, oh yeah, they're fucked up and weird in the right way. And I like them. I'm letting them in my life. I like those people in my life. All the parts of you. Okay, I know you have to go,

but can I just ask real quick, what is the wildest advice that someone has asked for on your podcast? Because you give advice on it, right? Yes, the wildest advice that some, well, I can tell you the wildest thing that happened on the podcast recently. I'm trying to think what the wildest advice is, but we also have a secrets hotline.

And somebody called in the other day. Oh, yes. And he was, somebody called in the other day with a secret. He's like, you know, I have this dilemma. I'm with this woman. You know, I met her online and we hook up every once in a while. And she, like, is so, and she worships my cock. That's what he said.

He goes, she worships my cock, which I like. But the problem is she also looks exactly like my maternal grandmother. And he goes, she sucks cock like a demon out of hell, and her hair always smells moldy. And I listened to that secret like five times, and I go, I think this is a demon out of hell and her hair always smells moldy and i heard i listened to that secret like five times and i go i think this is a demon out of hell i think that is your grandma it's your grandma oh that's gross moshe okay that's nasty that's really upsetting and thank you for sharing i was horny up until i heard that okay i asked all my guests this moshe would you date me would i

date you yes you know why you're hot you're funny and successful and i feel like you could be a you could take care of me you know what you could do more than anything i feel like what you could fill my god-sized hole i could fill that god-sized hole with some pie i like making pie okay mosha also before i let you go yes um if you have any single friends because i've been trying to be like oh i'll think of people that i don't hang out with all the time where our friend groups are different if you have a single friend tell them about me i will tell them to listen to this very podcast and i will tell them that you are not a ghost You will not bite their dick off You won't bite their dick off

I won't bite their dick off Unless they ask Nicely Yes If they're willing You're down That's what I've heard about you Yes

I will tell everybody I know That there is a remarkably funny, talented, single, beautiful lady ready And her name is Whoopi Goldberg Whoopi Goldberg Whoopi Goldberg Baby Thank you for doing this Moshe Thank you

Can I tell your listeners About a couple of Oh only one live date Actually That I've even got On the horizon Yes I will be at the Troubadour

For the Netflix Is a joke festival May the 12th And I think we're doing We might even be doing A live podcast Of the endless honeymoon I'm also going to

Philadelphia And Sacramento At some point this summer. So come see me live. Buy my book. You're the best listeners. Go see Moshe. Moshe is so funny. You're so funny. I'm going to that Madison Club where all those amazing clips that you're putting out right now.

I think we're shot. Oh, yeah. Comedy on State. You're going to have the fucking best time. I'm excited. I had such a good time there oh i'm so fine i'm going there this is how the nature of podcasting works i'm going there in the past when i'm recording this i'm going there in the future but i will have already had the good time by the time you're listening to this so think about so hopefully you went

okay goodbye Think about that. So hopefully you went. Okay. Goodbye. Goodbye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show.

Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.