Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Advice from a Married Couple (w/ Madeline Walter and Ben Greene)

Episode Date: May 4, 2018

It's Why Won't You Date Me's first married couple guest! Madeline Walter (UCB, Definitely Dying podcast) and Ben Greene (UCB, On The Cusp podcast) discuss the crazy drunken story that nearly made them break up. Nicole shares the times she catfished guys on AIM and also shares her virginity story. This episode is juicy, juicy, juicy and you don't want to miss it!

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where I try to figure out why I'm still single, even though you don't have to take me to dinner and I'll fuck you forever. My guests today are a couple! It's the first time I'm doing a couple!

And this couple, they're my dear friends. I got to go to their wedding. It was the first time I was a bridesmaid. It truly was outstanding. I have Madeline Walter. You've seen her in lots of commercials for diarrhea and douching. And she was on my show, loosely exactly, Nicole. And we play improv together every Sunday at 11 p.m. It used to be Franklin. It's called Search History. And her husband, Ben Green, who was in Alexander's The Horrible No Good Bad Day.

What a wild introduction that was. I'm really sorry. It was great. I loved it. Usually it's a little less crazy and fanatic. I wish everybody could see you because you were spreading your arms wide. Yeah, your arms were flailing around. I also closed my eyes.

I was in my own little world. Thank you so much. So, like I said, you guys are murried. You got murried two years ago? Two and a half-ish. May 2015. You got it. You got it. You got it.

I'm really bad with dates. Ben always has to remind me every date. Because Ben is, like, a little bit of, like, a Rain Man date person. Like, where, like, he can, like, remember. Like, because our anniversary of when we started dating is coming up. But, like, Ben knows, like, to the hour, like, when we kissed. Oh, my God. And I, like, can't remember, like, Ben knows, like, to the hour, like, when we kissed. Oh, my God.

And I, like, can't remember, like, my dad's birthday. So I, like, just, I have a hard time with remembering when a thing happened. Wait, is that real? You remember the first time, like, the hour? We kissed right around 12.06. Oh, my God. On February 21st, the very early morning. I went to her dorm on February 20th but then

it got to be the next day I didn't know you knew the minute I just know it was generally because I was really

my heart was beating really fast and I was I was like maybe I should get out of this lady's room if she doesn't want me to kiss her,

then maybe I'm an upsetting presence. But it turns out she did want you to kiss her. Nice. So I would like to know, I know most of your history, but my podcast listeners don't. I don't know what's wrong with me today. I had a nap and i'm really juiced up but you guys met in college yes yes and were you both single when you met

well yes but but one of the first like fun conversations we had, I guess I always, I should back up. We met for the first time at auditions for our college's improv team. Ben got in. I didn't. It was like my fourth time. I was like sort of a, I was not really into comedy in college, but I was kind of every now and then I would audition for this improv team and not get in. And so we met at that audition and then, and kind of like saw each other around in the world. But when I, like, but to me, the first time we like met with a capital M is like when we had like this was like we had a really fun, cool conversation probably two years after initially. We had a really fun, cool conversation probably two years after initially. Well, I had been Madeline wrote a play that got produced on campus and I got cast in a very tiny role in that play.

I was boy number two with Robert Stevens was boy number one. And that was like what really threw each other into each other's fears. And then a few days after that, we we were both pursuing people. That was like what really threw each other into each other's fears. And then a few days after that, we were both pursuing people. Yeah. We had a conversation in this little campus community room about how we were. I was pursuing a girl but didn't think I was doing it well. Malin thought she was pursuing a boy and not doing it well.

My girl is now an astronaut. Really? You can look her up. Her name is Zena Cardman. She's one of the new people going to like, I don't know, Mars. They're going to go to Mars. Wow. She's an astronaut and I fucking hate space.

Which, there you go. How crazy. And you could say that she was so repulsed by me, she went away to space. Oh, no. Never. And you were into a boy who was a very theatery guy. Yeah, he was the assistant director of the play that I had written. And I had been on like a long mission to get him to date me. And it basically was just long, many long conversations in my dorm parking lot

where he would drop me off from rehearsal and then just talk about himself for hours. Oh, no. Do you know where he is now? Is that where? No, like, where is he now?

I think he went to grad school for acting. Is he an actor or like a director? In San Francisco. He was in San Francisco as of like a year ago at least. Okay, yeah.

So that's... I like that you keep up with these people. You know where they are. If anybody's ever had a crush on Madeline or Madeline's had a crush on them, I need to know where they are at all times to make sure they don't get too close. So I really like this guy. And he had recently, this was I think maybe close to when he had emailed me a numbered list of why he wouldn't date me.

He what? Really? Yes. Did you ask for it or he was just like. Yes. Oh well I didn't ask him give me the reasons you won't. I oh no this must have been after this because when we when we had this like when we were talking about it we were both in this funny position where we had recently had experiences with this astronaut and this assistant director where we had been on what we thought were dates. Oh, no. But we weren't sure if they were. They weren't. No.

Oh, no, they weren't. But we had such a good time kind of commiserating over not knowing. We were like, how do you know? How could you? It was breakfast and we talked a lot but then and but then like we split the check and his breakfast a day and then we were like this is fun so how how often were you guys talking before you were like i'm gonna go to her room and i'm gonna kiss her a finite a number of times. Do you want to say? We had, yeah.

So we talked about how we had crushes on people and we were like, oh, we should continue this conversation over lunch. So I swiped Madeline up to lunch in the dining hall. She was very impressed that I gave her one of her swipes. I was hungry and ready. What does that mean? I didn't go to real college. Oh, in like a college dining hall, like when you get a meal plan, you like pay a certain amount of money and you get like 10 meals a week or whatever. And so you can like, you swipe to go up and then it's like all you can eat when you get

there. All you can eat? College is a buffet? Honestly, yes. Top of Lenore at UNC is a buffet. I should have gone to college. Yes. Oh, is that why people gain the freshman 15? at UNC is a buffet. I should have gone to college. Yes.

Oh, is that why people gain the freshman 15? Because there's a buffet everywhere? Correct. Often. Wow. That's crazy. I went to school with no meal plan. We had to fend for ourselves.

Oh, right, because you were in... It was a pretend school. Yeah. They just let us loose in New York. It was wild. I ate a lot of pizza. Well, so did everyone else in college, but they would eat like pizza and then go to like the cereal bar and then the ice cream bar and then

like carving station. I was, when I went to college, I was on the Atkins diet. So I would just eat, I would go to the pizza station and just eat all the cheese. Were you fat? No, I was crazy. Is that a rude question? No, no, that's not rude. I wasn't fat. I was, I had lost my mind. Okay. Okay, okay, fair. Yeah, yeah. So we had this great lunch at the dining hall. Yeah, where we really hit it off and realized we had amazing chemistry we'd never known about. Yeah.

And then I asked Madeline if she wanted to go to lunch the next week. Yeah. We did another lunch. Yeah. And then I said, do you want to do it again the next week? And said i can't do it the next week but should we do it go to dinner instead and so we went to that dinner and we were still hitting it off a lot and he paid for me which was really exciting because we had this whole bit about like how do you know when it's a date and we kind of decided it like felt like a very like funny sophisticated bit for two like college

students you know we were like and we decided like oh you know it's a date if someone pays for you. And so when he took out his debit card or whatever and paid for my Vietnamese food, I was like, yeah, I know what that means. That's so sweet. It was nuts. It was like this insane surprise because I was a senior and Ben was a sophomore.

Wait, you were younger? Yes. I was two years younger. I still am. You caught up to her and now you're the same age. That's wild. I had no idea that you were younger. Yeah, and we were both we were also very different from

each other, especially back then. Like I, I was kind of like a kind of campus hobo-y kind of guy. I like carried all my stuff in a suitcase, which was really weird. Uh, there are like kind of famous stories I don't love about me wearing, uh, bags on my feet when I didn't, uh, me wearing bags on my feet when I misplaced my shoes at a party. I often wore overalls with no shirt underneath them. So, and then Madeline was like- Why? Why? I thought it was cool at the time.

So wait, were you drunk when you had bags on your feet? I know. I was just going to the movies, but i was drunk when i misplaced my shoes at the party okay i did i went to the one pair of shoes it was with josh sharp you're you know josh i love josh sharp and and i just yeah i had left my shoes at this party and so i needed something to go to so i and it really in terms of being utilitarian, putting Ziploc bags over my feet and then putting rubber bands over the like little area to keep them on was very effective. That's the wildest thing I've ever heard. Back then I cared way less what people thought of me.

And then learned maybe I should care just a lick more. But I'm so sorry to not drop this. Why didn't you borrow shoes from Josh? I was like, oh, don't trouble yourself. I'll wear bags on my feet. Honestly, I would kill to see you in present day in overalls with no shirt on and bags on your feet. It would make me so pleased. It might become my new fashion.

I love it so much. Just to fully become my truest self if you scroll back through facebook you can find a uh shirtless overall pic of ben he's like crouching in a fountain he like truly looks like a troll from the forest and you're like i need that troll i was like a i was like a business lady i like you know how i'm like maybe like a little too buttoned up now multiply that but i guess it like now it's kind of like sometimes like a bit persona that i have like imagine multiply that by 20 like i was like you would have met if you met me in college you would have assumed I was a 40-year-old woman.

Does that feel accurate? Yeah, people in high school mistook you for the substitute teacher. Yeah, that's true. That's great. You could have catched me if you could. You could have. Oh, yeah, I could have catched you if you could. I got what you were saying.

You could have catched me if I could. That was a good movie. So do you think you guys, so you seem very much like polar opposites. Somebody thought, when Ben told maybe Josh or Reed that we were dating, they were like, are you sure she's not joking? Because we seemed so crazy. Yeah, nobody ever, it never crossed anybody's mind like those two should be together. No.

We're very polar opposites on like paper. And then it just turned out what we learned in these first conversations is that like we spoke more the same language than anybody else we'd ever met. Yeah. Like we just like started to realize like we understood each other and we fit together really well and complimented each other really well it was insane it was like i felt like when we like first had lunch and it was like truly not even supposed to be a little bit romantic i was like oh i feel like i have known this guy forever it was nuts that's really sweet it's making me crazy i mean it's like so obnoxious to come on i like to come on to a podcast like this and be like and then we just felt like we

had met each other a hundred years ago i feel like we're those old couples from the beginning of harry met s Sally throughout that movie. I just watched it on a plane. And I'll tell you something. It's good. It's a good movie. I truly liked it. I was like, why did I see this earlier?

And the reason is, I don't know. I was too busy just watching Ghost over and over and over again. Do you guys have bad fights? I don't think I've ever seen you mad at each other. Not a lot. I guess it's interesting. When you were just saying, like, we were talking about this beautiful, like, beginning of our story. So I will say that we did have one big fight, like, about three months in when Madeline tried to break up with me.

I did. Wow! She had given me permission to get drunk. Or I had said, like, I think I might get drunk tonight given me permission to get drunk or I had said like I think I might get drunk tonight. Is that okay with you? And she said yes

but she just didn't know what a sloppy maniac I become when I'm drunk. And this was like somebody who like wears bags on his feet when he's sober. I mean like

it's not like I sound really uptight but also like truly I was already dating like a waiting for Godot character. I'm very much a street screamer when I'm drunk. One time you stole a bunch of our friend's pet toys when you were drunk. I got kicked out of a gay bar in San Francisco for being too rowdy. Really?

What were you doing? for being too rowdy. Really? What were you doing? It's almost too lewd to say. Did you pull your dick out? I think the biggest thing... Did I pull my dick out? No, I didn't.

I did have a... I'm sorry. If my parents listen to this, I'm sorry. This is a bad story. But I had a butt plug that was shaped like it that was shaped like a dick that i i guess i maybe put where my dick would be hanging out of my pants and i had i had gotten so like wildly drunk at this party that i left went to a sex shop bought it as a bit and then brought it back there and i was and then i was also like climbing

the walls i had it was just because we had been at a bottomless mimosas breakfast okay where i just lost my mind so sure that happens i think that's very funny but so a version of this happened three months into our relationship uh less sexually charged and Yes. And Madeline, it turned out, didn't like what she saw. No. I was like, what have I done? Oh, no. I'm a business lady. How did I pick up this crazy hobo? And she said, I think I might be falling out of love with you. I can't believe I –

Oh, no. I don't remember saying that. And every time you remind me, it makes my – Every time you remind me. It makes me feel horrible and i burst into tears and i said i don't think you're being fair to me or to what we have like this is bigger than that this is like you're i think you're just scared i think because malin had never done a relationship for more than three months up till that oh so it was like three months up i I found something wrong with you. I'm going to break up with you. More that I never had met anybody who I – I had never been in any kind of like relationship where I didn't know from the very beginning that like it wasn't going to last.

Like, you know, there was just like – I had never met – I had met like, you know, everybody who I had dated had been like perfectly like nice and cool and interesting, but it was just this like gut feeling that I had where I was like, you're not my person. And because I was like in college and such an idealist and such a perfectionist, I just didn't – like the idea of settling felt insane to me. And so I was always like, I can't live a lie anymore. We're going to need to break up did you ever get broken up with or did you do most of the breaking oh you know I didn't I never got broken up with but I got like rejected plenty ah okay yeah how many relationships have you had prior to Madeline probably I had one big one before Madeline that was like a year and a half. But I was it was really like high school to college, one of those kind of things. And then I had many like two month like little flings throughout my high school. I did very I'm still pretty gay

but I was the least gay of everybody and that did really well for me at Theatre Arts Camp I got girls that were way prettier than what I should be dating oh stop it

I don't believe in leagues and stuff like that where people are like, they're out of my league. I'm like, I mean, people are people, right? It's insane. You like what you like. Yeah. That's very nice. And I was a prude, so nobody, like, I was just telling, since it was Valentine's Day yesterday, we were, like, sharing Valentine's Day stories.

And I was remembering my eighth grade, my first, like, quote unquote boyfriend in eighth grade broke up with me because I told him I wasn't ready to kiss yet. I love that. And just, like, apply that. I was, like, the same in college. Like, I was just, like, a straight up, like, I think I had just become fearful. Like, the gravity of sex had really been like like beat into me and that was like you know like that nobody likes that like i would like like people would think i was very religious or something no yeah well sex is a scary thing when me and madeline started dating she was saving

herself for marriage uh and that lasted for a long time how long two years yeah yeah you were very patient it was great yeah very nice of you yeah it was very nice was that very insane of me yes it was very frustrating it was very worth waiting for um yeah oh and just to like circle back on this time i the one time i tried to break up with ben um it was like sort of over a weekend so it like started on like a Friday when he got drunk and I was like oh and then it was also like it was like that experience like a little bit mixed with the fact that I had like never met anybody who felt who I didn't immediately know was like not for me like this was the first person I'd ever met who I was like oh I don't see an end in sight for this like and so that was like not for me like this was the first person I'd ever met who I was like oh I don't

see an end in sight for this like and so that was like really scary um and then the cool thing that he did that really I think like in the back of my mind I knew we weren't actually gonna break up like um but then also it was just so cool how like we had like a more reasonable kind of sober conversation about it, like, you know, somewhere across that weekend. And Ben had was like, I just he basically gave me a hard pitch for like a like he basically was like, I think you're wrong. I think you're wrong that this is not special. And and he was like really nice about it. You know, it wasn't like overly aggressive, but I remember going to coffee with like my best friend, Michelle, and being like,

I just think it's really cool that he had the balls to like, to basically question my judgment on this and like to fight me on this. I thought it was really cool. And I was like, and I think he's right now in 2018, you're not allowed to do that anymore. You've got to take, you know, well,

I think it, I, I think that's a little too extreme. I think if someone's breaking up with you, you could be like, no, I think about it for a little bit. I think that's okay.

I think absolutely. He wasn't like, no, I think about it for a little bit. I think that's okay. I think absolutely. He wasn't like, no, you're not going to go anywhere. Yeah. You're mine. No, you're going to wear Ziploc bags on your feet and I'm going to keep you in a

basement. You're, you're absolutely right. Yeah. I just appreciate, I mean, it's like, I made my case for me.

Still appreciate about our relationship is that like you're like like I feel I don't feel more I feel like the most supported by you you know like more than anybody else in the world but also like you will tell me if you think I'm wrong about something like it's not it's like unconditional love, but not unconditional agreement, which is like which I think is maybe one of the coolest things that you've brought to our relationship, like from the beginning and vice versa. Your relationship works like the government. It seems like there's a lot of checks and balances. Yeah. Yeah.

So pleased. I love it. yeah you're so pleased with your I love it yeah to answer your original question of how much do we fight

we have many quick fights yes because we always are telling each other like anything that we bump up against we tell each other

right away because we don't like to have any passive aggression or things that like stick around for a while I think that's smart although hard

yeah it is I try to not hold things in my heart anymore. Yeah. This is like a very new thing for this year where I'm like, if you're making me upset, I'm going to try to tell you immediately instead of letting it like fester than like blowing up at somebody. Okay. We have to take a real quick commercial break, but we'll be back and we're going to talk some more. And we're back.

What a dream of a break. So you guys got together in college, which was? 1,000 years ago. 1,000 years ago. Actually, 11 years ago in like five days. Yeah. But you've been together for 11 years? Yes.

Imagine if you started having sex right then and there. You could have an 11-year-old, right? No. Yeah. Isn't that terrifying to think about? I don't fucking want kids. They're fucking disgusting. I know.

So you guys completely missed the boat on online dating. A thousand percent. When I wrote, like, the most I knew about online dating was a guy I had dated before Ben's mom was online dating. And, like, we went to his house and looked at her online dating profile on her desktop computer. And then you went, goodbye, online dating. I don't want you. Yeah.

I met a girl online. I shouldn't have met up with her. But in high school, I met a girl online I shouldn't have met up with her but in high school I met a girl on Instant Messenger on AIM? how did you meet? like in a chat room? yeah like I met her in a chat room and then we met in like

Grand Central Station at a table was she like what she said she was? Yes. Oh, that's nice. She was, but it was still very strange. That is, that's scary. But not scary.

I meet people from Tinder all the time. But AIM, you can't send pictures on AIM, could you? Yeah, you could. Oh, you could? Uh-huh. I used to catfish people on AIM. Really? My screen name was HotChocolate808.

And when they go ASL, age, sex, location, I'd be like, 29, female, jersey, and I've got big, big boobies. And what picture would you send? I would never send a picture. So they were just expecting this. And then I

would like, I guess it was sex. I'd be like, I'm gonna put your penis in my mouth and suck on it. Yeah, that is. And then they'd be like, and what else? And I'm like, I guess it was sex. I'd be like, I'm going to put your penis in my mouth and suck on it. Yeah, that is. And then they'd be like, and what else? And I'm like, honestly, I don't know. I'm 15, not 15, but like, I don't know, like 13, 12. When did you first have sex?

Late. I think I was 19. Okay, okay. I don't know if I've said it on the podcast, but I lost it in a bathroom of an Indian restaurant that I later got hired at. Did you not know that? I don't think he knew that. Very, very dumb.

It was with this man named Elvis. The first Elvis I slept with, and then I slept with another Elvis later. Oh, no. Life is very dumb. Did he say Elvis has left the building when he... Ben! I wish he had.

He must have felt like... No, he didn't. But also, I was very, very, very drunk. And the second Elvis was a cocaine dealer. I was like, I want free cocaine. And I think if you have sex with a drug dealer, that's what you get. Did you get free cocaine? No, I didn't.

I still had to pay. Oh, that's bad. I keep trying to have sex for free things and they make me pay anyway. I had sex with a cab driver and he still made me pay. You had sex with a cab driver while he was driving you? Did he keep the meter on? We pulled over. It was a gy a cab driver while he was driving you? Did he keep the meter on? We pulled over. It was a gypsy cab so there was no meter.

He still made me pay. I can't believe he made you pay. That's terrible. Isn't my vagina priceless? That is great. You are like an opposite hooker. Yeah. I am an opposite hooker. I sleep with people then i have to pay for things

oh i'm doing it wrong i want you to look at my tinder purifier um oh here's a story about a man that i just met we matched on tinder and we had a very dumb conversation because every we would message every couple of days and i would forget what he said before so then i would just be like how did you know this and he like stopped answering me so then we matched on hinge and then he was like what's your number so i gave him my number and then he immediately facetimed me he facetimed you thank you i was with sashir i am terrified when like somebody i've known for years facetimes yes And I feel like you should text someone first and be like, can I FaceTime you? Yes.

You don't just FaceTime someone out of the blue. No. So I answered it, but I left my phone pointing at the ceiling because I was like, maybe it was a mistake. Oh, yeah. And then his face appeared and he was like, hello. Hello. And I was like, oh, no. So then I hung up. And then he texted and he's like, I. Hello. And I was like, oh, no. So then I hung up.

And then he texted. And he's like, I'm trying to FaceTime you. And I was like, oh, he's literally trying to talk to me. So then we FaceTimed while I was at Little Dom's. And so she put a light on my face. And then he was like, your hair is long. And I was like, uh-huh. And he's like, I'm at a Knicks game.

Or I don't know. Who's the Lakersakers one of those la basketball whatever maybe it was clippers i don't know but then we have like a non-conversation from a basketball game yeah with his like female friend who was like i'm so drunk i know you're pretty it was so strange and then he never contacted me again. That's online dating. That's what it is. Everyone's a fucking freak. That's crazy.

It is awful. What was he expecting from that transaction? I truly don't know. And I felt insane. And so she was like, I like him. I think he's bold. And I could only, he's not bold. He's insane.

He's a crazy person. Maybe a chat roulette kind of guy. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Remember chat roulette? I just remember they did one chat roulette show at UCB, and it was just like so many dicks up on that screen. That's all chat roulette is. Okay, look at my.

Very excited to look at this. I've looked at these pictures before, too. I'm a huge fan of this podcast, so I'm always looking at these pictures on Facebook. Nicole, are you 28? No. Oh. I don't. I think I changed my.

Okay, so it says 28. Yeah. I'm 31, I think. That's what I thought. I think. I remember you're 30. I know I'm past 30. I was born in 1986. I think you are 31 know I'm past 30. I was born in 1986.

I think you are 32 now. No, I'm 31. You'll be 32 in August. Yes. Yeah. Thank you for keeping up because we were going to go to Belize for your 30th. Yes. But we and because it was cheap because Zika and then it got canceled.

So sad. Oh, but if you are listening and you want to see the pictures that Madeline Ben are looking at, you go go to facebook.com and it's on my Facebook page. It's Nicole Byer backslash comedy maybe? I don't know. Oh, it's in the description. Click on the link in the description.

Yeah, baby. So we're looking at this picture of you holding a dildo. Yeah. And that's a very controversial picture, right? Everybody has a different opinion about it. A lot of people say it's bad, I'm sending the wrong message. Some people are like, but it shows that you like dicks and you're fun.

Where have you come out on this right now? Like, how are you feeling about this dildo picture? I like it and I haven't removed it because I feel like it's jarring enough to your eyeballs that you're like, oh, I'm curious to see what else this lady has. Yes, I think that's it. I think my biggest concern with it is that I've heard you say recently that you're not looking for one night stands. And this picture, I feel like almost communicates somebody who might be looking for one night stands uh is it what do you disagree or agree madeline you know i'm really i'm torn on this dildo pic because like my first instinct is like live your life do whatever you want it's so loaded well you know can I actually the thing that makes me like agree with you, Ben, that it looks a little one night standee is your face looks so sexy.

Thank you. It doesn't look like almost looks like you don't think it's funny to have this big dildo. It almost like because like because you look like it's like such a sultry look. It almost looks like you're like, hey, daddy. You know, like. It sounded wild coming out of your mouth. Hey, daddy. Isn't that disgusting to hear me say that?

I liked it. Like that. It's almost like if you were like, had like a, isn't this wild face? Yeah. I agree with that. Because it's the biggest point of that photo to show that you're like

funny and fun. Yes. Because I moved it to like maybe the third or fourth picture and I wasn't getting as many matches.

Oh interesting. So then I moved it back and then the matches started happening again. Did the type of people who matched with you change at all when dildo wasn't front and center? When the dildo wasn't front and center, I was getting no matches. I went three days with no matches and I was going insane. I was just swiping right on everybody and I wasn't matching with anybody.

Which one did you change to your first? If you keep swiping, there's a pink wall picture. I love that pic. That was the first one. If you keep swiping, there's a pink wall picture. I love that pic. That was the first one. And then I thought maybe guys would see that and think, oh, she's wearing overalls and she looks like a child. I don't know.

I don't know what happened. Well, you can't see her face. Have you seen this pic, Ben? This overall pic? You know, the thing that is nice about the dildo pic is it's such a nice shot of your, like, you can, like, see your face more. Like, the overall pic, like, it's, you're wearing sunglasses. You know, and, like, it's maybe you can't, I don't know, can't see enough of, like, hey, here's what I look like if you're not far away from me. Yeah.

Would you do an experiment sometime? Would you ever have somebody Photoshop this picture of you holding a dildo and make the dildo have sunglasses and a mouth or something and see how people react then? That's a great idea. Take down the sex shop kind of thing of it and make it like even funnier i could probably do that on it i could probably do that on an instagram story because they you could put sunglasses on things and then i'll screenshot it i'll do it i know how to do it i would just be because i agree it's such a good picture of you thank you other than like the dildo has all these implications everybody's talked about sure yeah i love i love the idea of putting sunglasses on that dildo it's funny i think i'm gonna do it and then people will be

like ha ha ha that's funny when it like makes it like it's like a little bit of that thing of like when you write a sketch like you have to state the game so clearly up top just in case anybody's a little dense and, like, won't pick up on it. So I feel like you almost need to, like, state the game of that photo a little bit more. The game is it's silly. To be like, the game is, like, I know this is funny. Not that, like, I just think this is, like, 100% honest in me. Right. I guess I'm also, also like whose vagina wants that but then i guess there are

some people out there who would love to take a dildo that big yeah i i forget about things like that i think other people have said this but i would look at that picture and think like oh i guess i need to have a really big dick um instead of just thinking like i guess i need to be really funny but here's the thing. You do have to have a big dick. I don't want no little dick. Do you really want no little dick? No, I don't.

I feel like people have talked about it on the podcast, but maybe I haven't heard enough conversations about it. Yeah. Like, is that like, where is that on your list of sort of deal breakers? If you're interesting and you're funny and I feel something, then it doesn't matter. But if you're just real dumb and I just don't feel anything

but I'm like bored and I'm going to keep going out with you, then you have to have a big dick. So it sounds like it, to me that actually sounds like it doesn't matter that much. Oh, I guess it doesn't. For someone I want to date forever, marry.

Yes, that's dating forever. Someone I'd want to marry. Sometimes Ben will be like, my girlfriend. And I'll be like, your wife. And then I'll be like, it's the same. Yeah, it is the same. I'm just your forever girlfriend. It's the same.

My forever girlfriend. I just want to be someone's forever girlfriend. But yeah, it sounds like it actually doesn't matter. Maybe it doesn't matter. But it's something I would like. Like if I met a man who was really, really nice, I guess it truly in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter.

Because if I ended up with a woman, she wouldn't have, well, I guess she could wear a strap on. Sure. But then. And even so could a man with a little dick. Yes. This is a great point, Madeline.

It is actually a very good point. I guess if a dick wasn't satisfying to me, we could just shop around and find a bigger one. Yes. Yeah, you can find anything to put inside you. Like, honestly. That's the best piece of advice I've ever gotten. You can find anything to put inside of you yeah that should never be a reason to say no because of strap-ons yeah yeah all right

yeah well it's because because it's like i appreciate that you say that like because i think it's like a really it's a nice way to speak because i think it like says like, hey, it's okay as women for us to like say what we want sexually. And it's like okay for us to kind of speak about men the way that like we're used to hearing women being spoken about. Because it's like so common for us to be like, I'm a tits guy. I'm a butt guy. And it's like, I feel like when you say like, I want a big dick, the subtext is actually like, hey, feminists, like we can speak like this about men. And I think that's what's cool about it. Thank you.

But I also think that's what you mean more than I actually want a big dick. It's a deal breaker. Maybe. I think you're right. I think you're actually very right. I don't think it's an actual actual deal breaker and I was on you know I was on Conan but maybe podcast listeners don't but I got to be on Conan

and he asked me if I was single and I said I wanted a big dick and then they put it on YouTube the segment and there's like a bunch of comments that were like huh wow this is hurting the me too campaign or not campaign but like the Me Too movement. No, it's not.

And then it was like, huh, I can't believe women get to talk like this now. And all I could think was, but men have been speaking like this for so long. So until we've had decades of women speaking like this, like, it's fine. We should have a little bit of like equal opportunity objectification yes like and that always is how i have heard it coming from you like that always is what is how i've interpreted that thank you um but i wonder if i'm like a little bit of two minds because part of me wants to say like hey if someone you date can't sort of understand

that and hear it and kind of hang with it then like you know fuck them but also part of me wonders whether that's like confusing messaging and whether somebody might take you at your word and think like oh boy well I have kind of a little dick and I'm nice but like I can't give this person what they want. Sure. But like not to keep going back to Conan, the show I was on, but I think I was like, I was like, I want a big dick,

but also he could be nice. Nice comes last, which is like obviously a joke. It's a little bit of that same state your game thing. It's like people, I understand that. And I think you probably do too and again I would hope anybody who would be like a potential

partner for you would be like on the level that they could understand that but I wonder if people always do though I don't know I don't want to be with a literal dummy who's like you said this and that to me but I guess

with these dating apps, you need to be so clear, so fast for people's initial impressions of you. For two people who've never been on a dating app, you seem to really understand them. Maybe that's why. We have a clinical distance from it. And I'm just really in the thick of it.

I'm literally on, I think I'm on six apps right now and they're all terrible. I'm literally on, I think I'm on six apps right now. And they're all terrible. I've talked about this one before, but it's called Coffee Meets Bagel. And people are like, get on that one. That's like where nice men are, where they really want relationships. But you have to like gather beans and then spend the beans on people.

And I was like, this is, you're making me feel goofy. Like, I have to gather beans? How do you get the beans? You have to play a game where you like pictures. What? And then it gives you one bean per picture. What? And you need like 300 beans to like somebody.

Wait, what kind of pictures? Is it unrelated? It'll be like, which picture is better of this person? This one or this one? And then you tap the one that you think is better and it gives you a percentage because everyone has to play these games to get more beans or you can buy beans. And I don't want to buy any beans. And I don't understand why there's beans involved. That is baffling.

It's crazy. I think I'm going to look for a fat lady. Oh, no, I was on this fat lady one. Oh, shit. What was the name of that one? I don't know, but the only people who had messaged me were, like, very old men from Glendale, and I didn't understand why it was all in Glendale. Oh, yeah. It was, like, only old, old, old men who were like, hello, I like your curves.

I don't know what they sounded like, but that's what it felt like. It was very aggressive. Why not buy beans? You can afford beans. I can afford beans. I don't know why you wouldn't do all the premium, the most premium versions of these apps to give yourself the best shot of the app working for you. That is good i don't know why i think it sounds like it's on principle that you're not doing it but it's one of those things that uh like i i kind

of went through this with this game word chums that I was playing, uh, where it, it doesn't really matter, but you can like buy your character like clothes with points you've gotten from spelling words correctly. And, uh, me and my parents were playing it, uh, from, you know, virtually, and we were all spending so much time trying to earn these clothes. And at some point we realized it was just smart to spend a little bit of money to buy our characters clothes. I don't think this makes the point. But picture that instead of caring about clothing your virtual characters, you cared about finding your soulmate. I might buy some beans in this app. But I feel like if I buy beans, then I'm going to be buying other things.

Like, I don't know what Bumble has. And then Tinder also has like Tinder Plus. So then I'll be spending like 50 bucks a month trying to find somebody. That sounds sad. Well, I don't know. I think it's the same. I think it's the same. I think it's like... Well, it seems good to me because this seems like a big priority for you right now.

Yeah, I'm doing a whole podcast about it. If it's a big priority for you, I would spend $50 a month. I mean, I spend $50 a month on far stupider things. I was spending it on the Adobe Cloud suite of apps that I didn't even use for the last year wait what's Adobe? you know like Photoshop oh do you know how to Photoshop?

I do will you Photoshop sunglasses on that penis? yes Nicole thank you so much for asking me you should mock up a bunch of different versions of that funny penis Nicole I'm gonna send you so many different versions. Maybe that'll just be my only picture, just different. That's honestly, it's not a bad idea.

But anyway, you think that's not crazy to spend that much money a month, right? No, because I also wonder if it's, again, a little bit of a psychological thing where it's like, you're sort of, it's like that thing of maybe, I don't know if it's like a cousin to self-sabotage where it's like – Maybe. You're like maybe just stopping short of doing everything you can to like just – like, you know, you're worth 50 bucks a month, you know? Thank you. There's like no reason you shouldn't spend 50 bucks a month if it makes this thing that you want maybe a little easier to get. And then if it isn't, then cancel the premium shit and throw it out the window.

You're right. I just want to like walk down the street and have a man be like, you are somebody I want. And then I want them to like look nice and then say nice things after. Yeah. That would just be ideal. I want that for you too. I feel like that also probably is what will happen in the end. I hope so.

Or it will be you talking to them first. Because a lot of great guys are also scaredy cats who need you to. You talked about this in, think the jacob episode he like you were talking about more about like talking to people in supermarkets and he gave you great advice on that that was george oh george okay i felt like that was good advice yes i had a man hit on me in the supermarket and i didn't realize he was hitting on me until he was like what's that and i was like peanut butter because he asked me what the little i buy cold brews and he's like what are those and i was like oh cold brew he's like what's cold brew i was like oh it's coffee that's brewed cold yeah

and he's like oh okay and then it was like a lull then he was like uh what's that and i was like peanut butter and he's like it's a it's a it's an interesting jar and i was like oh i think this man is just trying to like keep up a conversation with me so then i was like trying to be flirty but then i saw his fingernails and i was like yucky they're dirty i don't like dirty nails because i always think about what if you're fingering me and you like do it too hard and then you cut me and then the dirt from your nails gets into my body, and then I get tetanus. That's a great point. Sure.

I have a question for you as a couple. Sure. You're both in comedy. Do you ever feel like you're competing against each other? That's such a good question. Where? So no. So the answer is no, but it's like a – but I feel like it's something – sort of having the luxury of being in a relationship for such a long time has given us a lot of practice in learning sort of that everybody has their sort of peaks and valleys

and like the accomplishments that they're making you know and and do you want to I feel like you were going to say something I cut you off I guess the fun thing is that when Madeline has a success I really do get excited almost like it's something that I've done. And that's the fun thing about caring about somebody so much. I think where it gets bad is that Madeline's had times where she's like successful enough in my eyes that she'll then complain about something that's happened that hasn't gone her way. And I've had the like sensibility of like, you're not allowed to complain. Like I'm doing so much worse it's insulting for you to just be feeling your feelings and that's where it gets

bad is like because I you can you should always like I should always be able to like feel bad for Madeline if she's feeling bad for herself and I'm also a real whiner too like I like like one like one of um you know, there's a lot of things that is, that are, that's great about me. And one of the annoying things about me is like, I, I just am a little bit of a whiner. So things like kind of inversely, like there have been periods where like things have been like going really well for Ben. And I've been in like a little bit of a career rut and like I feel like I'm always like nothing nice will ever happen for me again and like Ben is very indulgent of that

and then also though after being together for 11 years now kind of I know like if I ever have that feeling it's like just a feeling and it will pass and we will like always be kind of like alternating who like who is like a little bit ahead or a little bit, you know, like in a little bit of a slump because just kind of this business goes in such peaks and valleys. So I wouldn't say, yeah, so competitive is not the word. I think it's more like just we've had to really practice and learn not to, like, compare our trajectories. Yeah, it makes a lot of sense. You guys have a very healthy relationship. Have you ever gone to couples therapy? Is that very personal?

Can I not ask that? No, it's not very personal. No, we haven't. And I just started going to regular therapy and um and that's kind of all i haven't been in it long enough to have anything else interesting to say i wish i did yeah yeah wait a couple months so then you'll have breakthroughs and you're like oh god but i missed therapy today because I wanted to nap. And I didn't call her. And she called me and I didn't answer. But I'll call her tomorrow and I'll say,

sorry, Mary, I was sleeping. And then she'll go, I understand, in a tone where I'm like, but it's annoying. Because you could have booked somebody else. Here's a question. I know you guys are married, but if you weren't, would you date me? Great question. We already talked about this between each other.

And you'll be happy to know that we both decided that we would date you. Yes! What a dream! Thank you! Yeah. Yeah. Do you want to go first? No, you go first.

I have monopolized too much of this. Well, I just, I mean, personally, I feel like there's so much about you that I like so much that why wouldn't we give it a try? Like, I, I feel like I'd be really excited to, like, I love that part of your, um, profile that's like about how much you like to have fun. And I feel like that would be very charming to me if I were single. Um, and yeah, I feel like we could, uh, just, I would love to like, see if we're compatible, like, and give it like a month of dating and then see where we were at that time. Ben, I would definitely date you because I think we would get wild together. I really liked the story about you wearing bags on your feet.

Yeah. I feel like we're interestingly like alike in a lot of ways you and i yeah i agree that i i feel like we could have a real party and i feel like the i think the interesting thing for us would be like me and madeline like very much balance each other out in a lot of ways and i could see like us being like two kids who broke into a car together and like are just going on a wild trip. And it would be interesting to see. I don't think we would last though. I think we would burn each other out. I think so.

But I also, in defense of our made up relationship, I think we're both pretty smart. And I think we would would be good at adapting together and figuring out how to make things work. So I don't know. Okay, maybe we would last. Yeah. No, you guys are similar. I didn't realize how similar you guys are until just now,

because you both have this kind of spirit about you that's like, fuck the rules. Who made up these rules for how we should live? You know, like just like things like, who says it's that big of a deal that I have to wear regular old shoes and not bags? I feel like, Nicole, you do things all the time that are just like things that like a whimsical alien would think were normal. I basically just.

And it's like I think why I love both of you so much because it's like such a nice reminder for me because I can be a little too dutiful and like a little too rule based sometimes to be like, oh, you got to pick and choose because most of these are just silly things that people made up for how to live not in a fun way. It's funny. The more I do this podcast, the more I talk to my friends and a lot of them are dating versions of me or married to versions of me. That's so like my very good friends. Like so she or her boyfriend's a lot like me. And I was like, how interesting.

And I do think I'm a lot like Ben. Yeah. And we're dear friends. Yeah. And I do think I'm a lot like Ben. And we're dear friends. What a dream. What a dream. It means somebody is out there for me. I just think whoever ends up dating you and marrying you as his forever girlfriend is going to be so lucky. Because you have such an amazing way of, I just love listening to you talk and the way you look at the world and you, and I get to watch you do improv a lot and

you more than like most people like do a kind of improv that looks magic to me because your, your, your brain just does things that I don't know how it does. It doesn't work like other people. You're just so smart. And there's so many good things about you. So somebody's going to be very lucky. Yeah. And it's hard.

I think when you're so good, it's just hard to find someone who lives up. But you two are so good and you found each other it's honestly insane it's insanely it's like feels so i feel it truly feels so smug because we just got i think actually just lucky oh and i guess i did want to say like one like thing that i think we did really right that i've, I've heard you, um, well, something that I've heard you say in certain episodes of the podcast is you've had like little things like, I don't want to date a person like this. Like you've been in at times, like, I don't want to date a comedian or I don't want to like, you know, I'd rather, yeah, I think you're also like very

open-minded, but you sometimes have like put like little barriers to what you and i think one of the only ways madeline and i were able to end up together was throwing away all the things that we had said like were our list of things we were looking for beforehand um because i think madeline would have been looking for uh a taller guy than me and i would have been looking for somebody who was shorter than me so I could feel really tall myself. Wait, are you taller than Ben? No, we're exactly the same height.

Same height. Yeah. I maybe sounded angry for a second. We're the same height. It's a point of Madeline says she's – we are the same height, but Madeline says she's 5'7". I say I'm 5'8". It's important to me to be 5'8". Yeah, and I'm not 5'8", but we are the same height, so Madeline says she's 5'7". I say I'm 5'8". It's important to me to be 5'8".

Yeah, and I'm not 5'8", but we are the same height. So maybe you're 5'7". But it's true. Like, it was, like, kind of like that, like, stumbling block initially, I think. Like, you know, when I was like,

uh-oh, we gotta break up. Because on paper, I don't want to be dating a drunk, raving lunatic. Right, and on paper, like, you didn't want to be dating a drunk, raving lunatic. Right. And on paper, like, you didn't want to be dating some, like, I feel like all the other girls you liked were these, like, sort of, like, manic pixie dream girls almost. These, like, very, like, sort of cute, whimsical, like, the kind of girls who could kind of,

like, meet you at your most whimsical instead of, like, I was, like, I would, like, I, like, told you, like, you needed to do better in your math class like you know we really really uh huh yes

and then I did I'm not joking when I said I was very serious that's wild so those are the kind of things that I wasn't like I didn't have

as an idea of what I wanted yeah but ended up being really good for me and like the thing the thing that like I think neither of us was willing or I know I wasn't willing to compromise on was the only thing was just somebody who made me feel my like most comfortable this all the time. So maybe it's like not that interesting. But Ben was the only person who like, I just didn't feel like there was any chase or any games. And it was confusing because there was none of that sort of rom-com adrenaline rush of like, liking someone more because they're a little bit out of your grasp. And so sometimes that, I think, can trick you into thinking someone is not your soulmate or whatever

because we're a little bit poisoned by, like, TV and movies, you know, and we think that love is sort of lust or we think that love is kind of chasing after something. And I had had that feeling so many times of like thinking I sort of loved someone because I had idealized them. And like, you know, it was such a great story. And they were kind of this character of a person who I thought was for me. And Ben was the only person who I met myself that I like hadn't – that like really I had felt towards anybody who I kind of, anybody else who I thought, like, ooh, maybe I love this person. So did you have butterflies when you decided you loved Ben or no?

Yes, I did. I did have butterflies, but they lasted way less long because I knew. Ay, ay, ay. Well, they were replaced. It was, well, no, no, like, because it was, I like, I mean, you know, when we went on our first date, I truly, like, went to the bathroom and, like, jumped up and down and did a happy dance because I was, like, so excited. That's so cute. because I was like so excited. That's so cute.

But I remember like, I don't know, maybe it was like a different kind of butterfly or something. It was just, it was like the difference between feeling like I was like living a rom-com story and feeling like I was living like my own life and was like, I don't know, like becoming like, again, like sort of meeting somebody, like meeting somebody who I had known forever. I don't know. It was like a weird. You were fulfilling your destiny a bit?

Yeah. That sounds so cheesy, but kind of. Yeah. I like it. Okay. We have to wrap up I enjoyed talking to you

truly your relationship is awe-spiring is that a word inspiring awe-inspiring is awe-spiring not a word did I just combine inspiring and it's not but it could be

awesome it's awesome and inspiring It's not, but it could be. Awesome? It's awesome and inspiring. It's aspiring. I love... Aspiring is a great word. I don't know what words are anymore. You get to make them. You're a trendsetter. So if you say aspiring, now that's gonna be trending. Yeah! Your relationship is aspiring!

I stand by it. Do you guys have anything you want to plug? I want to plug my On the Cusp podcast. Oh, yeah, you should. I did a, you can go look it up, On the Cusp podcast on iTunes. I did a really fun interview with Nicole like four years ago. You can look up some other ones I did with people on Madeline and Nicole's search history team. There's a Betsy Sodaro interview.

She's the best. And a Madeline interview. And I'm just starting to do new interviews now. Nice, nice, nice. And Madeline, you have a podcast. Oh, yeah. It's Definitely Dying. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. And we're on like a little bit of a hiatus right now, but we have a billion old episodes, so if you want to listen to me and Ben Axelrod, another one of your former guests, talk about hypochondriac concerns,

you can listen to it. And Nicole was also on that podcast. Yes, yes, yes! I love podcasts! If you like this one you can subscribe and you can rate it and if you say something silly or salacious and or juicy I'll read it on this podcast, let me find one to read. Oh, I should have had this set up. Dang it.

Okay, Sarah Leone. So she said, I hope you think it kind when I say I want to get up in your mind. And I hope you don't find it rude when I say I want to get all up in that booty. Wow. It's a poem. So that was a nice kind of nasty poem. I didn't know it could rhyme. Yeah.

Thank you, Sarah Leone. A lot of people are like, if I wasn't gay. Which is something I get a lot, which is okay. Yeah, people have not been writing nasty things to me. They've only been writing nice things to me. Oh, that's good. But I want nasty things. Okay, well, that's it. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.