Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Baby Daddy Drama (w/ Liz Barlow)

Episode Date: December 29, 2023

Comedian Liz Barlow discusses breaking up with a boyfriend who doxxed people, her challenging experience dating women, the story of a stalking chucklefucker, interracial threesomes invitations, and unravels some jaw-dropping baby daddy drama. As an exercise, Liz and Nicole roleplay talking to men.  Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single, but honestly, nobody knows. So now I'm just talking to people about love and stuff and how I'm still sad I'm single, but like I'm no longer, it's not a mystery. Anyway, my guest today is a very funny comedian who's open for me.

She's so funny. She's really wonderful. Sometimes people think she is me when she gets on stage, which is wild because she's got big old honking titties and I ain't got none. It's Liz Barlow. Yay! I'm here. Me and my titties are here. Liz, how are you? I'm good. I'm ready for Christmas. Are you ready for Christmas? Do you have your mug? I do have my mug. I should have brought it to the recording and drank out of it, but I was not thinking. Liz got me a Santa mug, a black Santa mug, which is appropriate because I'm black. I'm Black. Wait, okay.

So, Liz, we're recording this before Christmas, but it's going to come out closer to New Year's. What do you want for Christmas? What was your Christmas wish? I'm such a 30-year-old woman. I asked my mother for a Dutch oven, and I was hella serious. I keep watching pot roast recipes.

And I'm like, why don't I have a Dutch oven? I can't properly make pot roast for anybody. If I don't have it. I can't properly make pot roast for anybody. That is very funny. What kind of Dutch oven did you ask for? A La Creuse? I did not ask for La Creusette. Oh, that's La Creusette. Yes. Whoops. for a lacrosse i did not ask for lacrosse set because lacrosse set yes um because my family

is poor so i asked for maybe aldi okay okay i do like aldi's yes okay a little aldi's or a little burlington kit factory um i don't know i'm not sure if you've heard of it. It's very French. Burlington cofactory? I've dabbled a little bit, you know. Do you have any gifts that you want? Okay. I just want a man.

So I decorated for Christmas. I have two, no, four miniature little trees and then in the checkout of uh michael's there was a hot chocolate like perfect man that you like put in hot milk and he melts but he's not in hot milk he's just in his package so i'm trying to manifest the perfect man along with like a nice christmas it's devastating i hate it uh it's embarrassing people come to my house i'm like what is this and i'm like don't worry about that i'm just trying to make the perfect man appear um but for new year's i'm trying to like i think my resolution is like

to step out of my comfort zone and like do things and like meet people i'm like i don't want to do things and meet people. I'm like, I don't want to. That seems disgusting. Liz, wait, are you dating right now? My dating life is literally the saddest thing you've ever seen. You saw that text message I sent you and Christy. And I loved it. I thought it was great. This man was like, you are the sun. You rise when the sun sets. was like, you are the sun. You rise when the sun sets. I set because you are my sun.

I was like, this is some poetry. This is great. You know what, Nicole? I have dated poets. I was engaged to a poet. It was, yeah. But my dating life now, I responded to that text message with, thank you for your kind words.

And that was it. That was it? Yeah. And then he took the initiative for the next day. Longer paragraph, more emojis. And I just didn't respond. And so now I am very, very very single but like are you you're okay being single or no no i would love to have a partner then why why not respond to the emoji man

i guess we're not desperate you know i just heard myself i said why don't you respond to the emoji man and then i instantly had the answer i was like because i'm calling him the emoji man that's why we're not responding to him i i would love a partner i would love to date i would love to go on dates i have such nice clothes i would love to wear them outside of going on stage. But they're men. Every time I just downloaded Hinge, just for like 24 hours, to have everyone's grandfather, you know, match with me. I'm 33. My father is 53. I don't want to date men my father's age.

Yeah, I get that. I recently went to this, like, party where my friend's dad was like, I got him a glass of wine to be nice. And then he said, thank you. And then he stared at me and was like, you're so pretty. You have such a pretty face. And I was like, oh, no, I don't want this. I don't want this at all.

But, you know, it was like the witching hour where old white men find me deeply attractive. It's so weird. It happens at like weddings, parties, truly anywhere where an old white man's having a drink. He's like, ah, you remind me of that lady in the 70s that I like almost had sex with, but I didn't get a chance to and I married this dumb white, but I'm going to hit on you and make you uncomfortable. It happens all the time. White men? No.

I've never been hit on by a white man in my life. Really? Or maybe I just don't know. Because like white men, they don't, you know, black men, it's very specific. They're, you know, like, hey, specific they're you know like hey can i be a number you're so beautiful blah blah i feel like white men are like oh you're picking up the sour dough huh and i'm like is that is that it you have to say something jim i don't know that sour

dough is code for you trying to take me out oh you're picking up the sourdough that got me real good it's like i don't jim i i don't know that baby you gotta say something i feel like i don't know the white men that have hit on me have been like pretty open about it like my friend's dad was just staring at me and was like man you have a beautiful face he also said i can't wait to start wait just staring at me and was like, man, you have a beautiful face. He also said, I can't wait to start. Wait, what did he say? He was like, I can't wait to get on Instagram and like the things you post. And I was like, okay. Martin, please.

I was like, I got to get out of here. Okay, goodbye. I know. Wait, so are you, you're not on Hinge anymore? Or are you still on Hinge? After 24 hours, I had to go. I had to go because I just, I don't know what it is. All this year, I have been on one date this year.

Okay. Which is very unusual for me. I have not had sex all year. I mean, I think the last time I had sex was in January and it's the end of the year I am so horny in a way that like I am angry yes sometimes I'll start masturbating and then get angry because I'm like ah I hate that I have to keep doing this alone 1000 i'm just like i think what happens because they tell you like as a woman your sex drive is going to increase as you get older right what they don't tell you is by the time that happens you also have sense so the people you would have slept with you're like

oh that's a bad idea that's not for me anymore and so now it doesn't match so now you're just in the house sensually trying to wash dishes like it just don't stuff just like trying to rub your thighs together as you're like washing the dishes and you're like maybe this will do something maybe this will be exciting oh it's depressing and i i've tried watching porn and i've had to take a break from porn and now i'm just doing like memory recall and that's depressing as well and i'm just like i need i need somebody the apps aren't working everybody on tinder is disgusting like some of the most horrific people i've ever seen in my whole life um hinge i'm not matching with anybody on hinge raya they don't want a fat black lady on raya um what else am i on oh bumble men hate me on bumble like they act like they actually

hate me i will match somebody i don't. I will match with someone and then go, hey, I saw on your profile that you like flying kites and then they'll unmatch me. And I'm like, did I say something? I saw that on your profile. I'm just saying something I noticed about you. And then you reward me by unmatching me. It happens single time i could just say hello and they'll unmatch me and i don't know what i've done um yeah men hate me on bumble oh my god do you tell people on like the apps that you're nicole byer like you're a stand-up comic you know no okay no i let them discover that later um and also i've like said on this podcast numerous times that I'm like, oh, I hate it when people tell me on the apps that they know who I am. But I've also said numerous times I hate when people say in person that they know who I am.

So it's like, when do you tell me? I think it's like when the vibe is right and I'm when I like you, I don't care how you tell me. But like the vibes are never they're they're always wrong i everybody out there lives is bad and but listen i think 2024 is going to be my year i genuinely believe this and i think i'm gonna be fucking i think the career is gonna be popping i think my stand-up dates are gonna be be good. And I really think I'm going to find a partner who's like down to like, down to clown and down to love me. I tell people I'm Nicole Byer on the apps. So I understand.

No. That would be so funny if you did. I would genuinely be like, keep doing it. Go ahead. I told men that I'm Batmanman i saved gotham at night and it doesn't matter like i had a picture i was on bumble for a little while and i had a picture of me at the improv holding a microphone and men would be like oh wow so how long you been singing you sing you do poetry and i'm like one more come on we almost there baby one other thing i could be doing oh you're a motivational speaker that's so funny they're like oh you do the subway announcements were you doing a raffle at your kid's school like no

i do stand up and i think men get so weird about women that are funny because you always have the potential to be funny and men are like especially ugly men are like well if i'm ugly i have to be. But if she's already funny, what am I going to provide? And it's like, well, it's nothing you can really provide. So that's,

we're just chatting, pal. Okay. We're just having a conversation. So I tell people I'm Batman. I refuse to tell these men that I do stand up. That's very funny that you say that you're Batman. I'm sure like some man was like,

oh, that makes me so horny. I fucking love Batman. I just watched all of the Batmans. And every iteration of it. Yeah, I watched, like, the 1989 Batman, Batman Returns, Batman Forever, Batman and Robin.

And honestly, aside from the Christopher Nolan ones and the Robert Pattinson one, which I really, really liked, the best one is Batman and Robin. It is fully unhinged. Every choice that they could have made, they made. Every bad choice, they were like, we're going to do that. And it's one of my favorite movies. It's completely ridiculous.

It's so fucking funny wait what kind of man are you looking for liz i really value kindness kindness to me is a decision that you make even if other people aren't nice. So I value kindness and honesty, even if it's brutal. And I value a person that is fair. Don't be a butthole just because you can. How can you give me grace and give yourself grace at the same time?

So that's, I don't feel like that's ridiculous. No, I think that's rather simple. It's a pretty easy ask, but then there's people out there who are not kind and not nice and assholes. kind and not nice and assholes and it's just like oh i gotta like weed through the assholes to find someone who like just genuinely wants to be nice to me yeah or now i have to like wade through men who um don't have any preconceived notions about like single moms because as nicole knows but i'm a i'm a solo mom of a two and a half year old. Who's very cute. She's truly a real cutie. She's adorable.

She's a menace. However, beyond that, like dealing with men who think like, oh, I can give her less because she's a single mom and she's just looking for somebody to fill the void. It's like, no, I could just be alone. I don't need you like to fill in any space. And then also constantly dealing with the same shit

that I've been dealing with since I started dating, which is being a fat Black girl. And always having to look out for signs. Are you a fetishizer? Are you a chubby chaseraser are you a guy that's gonna treat me try to treat me less because i'm a fat girl and you think well she should just be happy to have someone so i don't have the capacity or the time to wade through all of that and then you just have to wade through the weirdos that send you back-to-back

paragraph text messages with emojis and punctuation. I dated this guy who, he kept sending me the purple devil emoji and it would just be like, hey, how are you? Purple devil emoji. Or it'd be like, oh, am I going to see you tonight? Purple devil emoji. And I'd be like, well, the hi, how are you wasn't sexual. The am I going to see you tonight is like vaguely sexual. And I was like, what is this purple devil emoji? What is it? It like didn't make any sort of sense. What was his name?

He like a he was a DJ. Of course. He was like Kyler or something. I don't know. He he didn't last for very long. He was so dumb. That was another thing. I was like, it is so hard to talk to you oh my god but i feel you on like the fat black lady thing because i've dated dudes where i'm like we never go out during the day are you do you feel some type of

way about being attracted to me about fucking me, about not wanting to hold my hand and maybe a friend of yours will see it. And then I was never able to articulate that to that person because it's like, how do I break my heart and insult your self-esteem about yourself? It's so wild. It's so wild. And I'm always, I have a temper because i'm from the south and i

um mine doesn't it the anger comes from frustration it comes from sadness but i'm it's just gonna sound like anger to you it's like so so what you're saying you don't want to take me out well i'm gonna fuck your brother and then that's not helpful and then now i have a promise to fuck someone's brother and that's a lot you have to make good on that promise i have to make good on my promises it's exhausting so i don't want to do any of that it's very it's a frustrating cycle to be in even in your 30s yeah you know or then you just end up dating ugly men and it's like well i don't want to date somebody that's ugly. I don't want an ugly man at all.

But I would date an ugly man if he was quirky. Like, if there was, like, a quirk about him that I was like, there's just something about him, then I would date an ugly man. But you can't be ugly and annoying and got nothing going for you and no career. You can't just be nasty. But with quirky, like andre 3000 plays the flu quirky or like something weird like that that's fun or like i don't know there's just like something because i've dated people where my friends are like really this person and i'm like yeah i think they're really cute and it's like and then afterwards it's like oh they weren't that cute I was just like into something weird about them like I dated this guy with like long

hair and he just had like a very interesting face I don't want to say he's ugly because I fucked him a lot but like he he was just interesting looking and then had like a funny laugh and I was like, oh, that laugh is maybe I was settling. I don't know. Now that I'm like saying all this out loud, I'm like, oh, man, he had a unicycle. He juggled and had a unicycle and a unibrow and it was just all very quirky. Real quick. We got gotta take a break um my last ex-boyfriend oh wow this is a great story to tell in your podcast so my last ex-boyfriend was a quantum physicist he had a quantum physics degree he like idolized the hulk um which was cool because i the incredible hulk is my favorite marvel character fun fact um mark ruffalo graduated from my high school so yes i love it he also had an interesting face and an interesting body great and so we dated

for three years and eventually i figured out i was like this is not going anywhere like we're not gonna get married we're not gonna have children this is how we broke up i am on Twitter, like most comics, and I see a story developing around a Z-list rapper, D-list rapper, who seems to keep tweeting this young lady on Twitter. Uh-huh. Yes. And it's about colorism and blackness. And I'm like, oh, wow, that's crazy. And so I send my ex-boyfriend my article. We live together.

He was like, why is he doing that? And I was like, I don't know. You know, misogyny, whatever. The next day on Twitter, I see, OMG, the young lady had been doxxed by a Morehouse man. And I was like, wow, not surprised. Then I scroll some more and they have a screenshot of the Instagram account who had doxxed the young lady on Instagram. It was my ex-boyfriend. How wild!

Who at the time we lived together and is my current boyfriend uh-huh so i text him and i'm like hey the fuck is going on uh-huh he was like nothing it's not even that he's like a pathological liar that's not that deep blah blah blah blah blah and I was like okay and that develops into me coming home and us having like this long conversation and me being like we cannot be together because you're receiving death threats and now I'm receiving threats online because I messaged the girl and I'm like hey that's my boyfriend and I will get him to take all of that down. Even your information off the website, because he can do that. He can figure it out.

And we break up in a blaze of glory, because why not? And that's in August. Yeah. August, July. And in September, I get pregnant by someone else. Oh, girl, you got busy. That's so wild, because whenever I'm dating someone, I'm like, are you the type of person who, like,

leaves weird Instagram, like, comments on people's pages that you don't know? And then it's like a step further to be like oh you went and found out this bitch's information and put it on a fucking website you you freak you weirdo yeah you absolutely like truly one of the weirdest things a person could do and it's like and you're in my house and we were fucking yeah like and you're capable of doing that that's such a wild thing to to experience yeah and then to get pregnant months later was that a guy you were dating or was that like a one-night stand or just like a hookup so we were casually very casually dating so me and my child's father met on an app that is um uh iconized by a fish

and oh plenty of fish okay which i'll never go back to um and our first date um this is how i know men are not good at taking pictures of themselves because i'm looking looking at the pictures and I was like, oh, he looks okay. He stepped out of the car and I was like, I called my best friend. I was like, I'm good. I'll talk to you later. I'm fine. My child's father is 6'2", dark skin, light eyes. He's a cutie pie.

Not gorgeous, but he's cute. And he's from New Orleans, which is basically what got me pregnant. And we went bowling which i hate wait why do you hate bowling because why the fuck are we here i suck at this game because it's fun and it's like a cute way to be competitive you throw this big heavy ball and then he throws that big heavy ball and then you're like oh my god you did so good baby i hate it okay all right you hate bowling you hate fun and so we go bowling i am terrible um you also have to wear someone else's shoes and that's weird that's gross yeah i get that and then we went to a classy restaurant tj friday's

obviously yes people at all the stops bowling and tgi and friday yeah money where he tells me that he has uh two children from a previous relationship he has his other baby mama tattooed on his arm which other women would be like, what? Red flag. Elizabeth is like, wow, I've never seen such beauty. Okay. Ooh, that's dedication. Dedication.

He loved her. Absolutely. So we start casually dating on it for two weeks. And then during that two- week period, I get pregnant. And if you don't know the story of that, you should come see Nicole and see what I open up and you can hear the story. And I don't know that I'm pregnant. I go on with my life. I'm like, I don't, I'm not really that interested in you. So bye. And I stopped talking to to him by now that I'm pregnant I go through the whole pregnancy alone cool eventually he starts acting weird we're like two weeks from Groot's b-day and I'm like

okay I'm trying to get him to like agree to stuff and so finally I call the other baby mama because I'm like well girl you've been with him longer you got two kids like what's up and she was like oh I was like yeah I just want him to come sign the birth certificate and I want him to um you know put her on the insurance and she was like oh yeah he's not gonna be able to sign the birth certificate because we're married and we've been married for 10 years and we have three kids and the reason I know he can't sign your baby birth certificate because you're married because I had a fourth child outside of our marriage and that man can't sign the birth certificate wait that is so wild wait why can't he sign the birth certificate if he's married because we live in a commonwealth virginia is a common so essentially our laws are based in presumed morality. So they assume that if you're someone's father, you are with the appropriate mother and you have not stepped out of that.

And so they make you go to the court. You have to do a DNA test and then I can add him to the birth certificate. And I've done all of those things. But just him signing it at the beginning no because he's married and I had no idea he was married that is truly so wild yeah also that this woman was like I stepped out he be stepping out and that's just what we do we keep having children don't worry about it. But here's the deal.

He can't sign that. Have a nice life. Have a nice day. That is, wow. I wonder how many times she's gotten that phone call where she's like, no, sorry, he can't sign it. Yeah, sorry. I can't believe he was married.

He's married the whole time. And mind you, the whole time that we're communicating while i'm pregnant obviously we're not together but i'm still trying to like check in he told me oh i don't have a job he is a vet that's very true he's a vet um thank you for your service he he uh was like oh i've been in and out of VA hospitals because I have PTSD he does have PTSD he does have shrapnel in his body fair enough um and all of these things and so I'm like I can't put somebody on child support that's having a mental breakdown my mama tried it okay so my father is also with it so you know they have to be in the right, my state, to go to work.

And I'm like, hey, did you find a job? Are you okay? Whole time, he was perfectly fine. He had been working the whole time. Oh, my God. So he truly is just a liar. He's just telling you lies. Lie, lie, lie, lie, lies.

Ooh. Crazy. So that's why when I'm like, need honesty and fairness uh-huh it is a requirement and if you're gonna be ugly no i get it you need to at least have that god that's so wild i i can't even fathom, like, just a man lying about every part of his life. And it's like, well, what was true? Did you even like me? Did you even have a nice time?

It's like, I know you came because I got pregnant. So, like, that's not a lie. That is accurate. I think, you know, it's been a whirlwind, but I think the biggest part of it that made me infuriated was like, first of all, as a woman, why would you want another woman to go through that? Like, why do you feel like you're superior because you're married to a cheater? You can have him. Yeah. But the thing that made me the angriest is like we have to legally have a state of virginia when you go to apply for custody and child support they make you do a dna test fine i already knew

that was gonna happen so we do it and he was like yeah so what are the results i was like i'll burn your house down what do you think the results are jk not Yeah, it's not you. Just kidding. It's an episode of Maury. You're not the father. Ha ha. Like, what? Honestly, that is so insulting for him to be like, so? Who's it? Yours, bitch.

Yours. How wild. These men. I'm mad. So did you start doing stand-up before or after you had your daughter? So before. I've been doing stand-up before or after you had your daughter? So before. I've been doing stand-up almost nine years.

Oh, okay. Simply nine years in January. But I will say, like, having Groot put the foot on the gas, I was like, oh, I need to, like, make it happen. Stuff has to happen now. And so I'm thankful for that. It's a very complicated schedule for a two-year-old. Yeah. How do you work that out? I have a lot of great babysitters, thank goodness. Me and my mother only live about 15 minutes, 20 minutes from each other. So when it's long weekends, like when I'm with you, she has the baby. And then I'll try to schedule her some breaks.

So like my cousin or her godmother will come pick her up or her godfather. But if it's just small shows, like, I don't know, I think I was somewhere last week,

her godfather will take her for like half a day and then I'll pick her up on my way back or something like that. Or if the show is in North Carolina where most of my family members are, I'll just take her with me and then she'll be with her grandfather or her uncles or whatever so okay yeah that's not

that complicated i was like how do you juggle it you're like i drop her off with someone who watches her and it's fine and i'm like oh okay yeah yeah that sounds about right. What do you do with your dog? My dog either goes to school, he goes to doggy daycare, or he goes with my old roommate, John Millheiser, my former roommate, John Millheiser's house. It's pretty easy. I just drop him off on the weekend, and then I pay them in Postmates gift cards,

because they were like, it's weird to take money from you. And I'm like, yeah, but like I have to pay you for like letting my dog in your space. And they were like, well, we'll figure out something. So then I started sending them Postmates gift cards and they're like, actually this works

because this is fun. There's just nights where we're like, oh, we don't have to think about food because of Nicole. And I'm like, okay, whatever works for you guys. Yeah, sure. Okay, great.

Yeah, whatever. That's nice. Maybe I should try that because i don't pay anyone i'm actually terrible i'm just like oh thank you so much for taking your granddaughter i love you bye yeah you don't have to pay family i mean that would be insane my um my aunt how many grandkids does she have she's got a. I think she's got like eight now. And there's always a grandchild at her house. And she's always like, she's always like a little harried.

And she's like, somebody's here. Oh, it's you. Hello. Do you have a big family, Nicole? I have a pretty big family. My grandmother was one of six or seven. And then each of them had like three or four kids who had like three or four kids. So my mom's side is pretty big. My dad's side is not big. Not as many people had kids. Yeah. from like my dad's side where it's like five people to my mom's side where it's like there's like so many fucking people there's like 50 60 70 people here like our family reunions are wild

and i think they've all given up on me having a child which is great because i'm not having one yeah it's not your thing no i like i like kids and i my time clock has been ticking, um, in a way where like, when I see a baby, I'm like, give it to me. Let me touch that baby. Let me hold that baby. Let me smell that baby. Um, give me that baby. But then I'm like, Ooh, I've had enough. Take your baby back. I don't want this anymore. And I don't know how to like, I don't know what to do. I'm like, should I have a baby? But then I'm like, no, I want to give it back at the end of my time. No, you should not have a baby. I, you know, it's so funny.

Like, I have a very big family. My mother has eight brothers and sisters. My father has 10. Damn. So on one side, my mom, there's 30 first cousins just on my mom's side. And then all of, you know, most of us have children.

And so when I go to my dad's family, all of my cousins, I think there's like 15 of us on just out of his brothers and sisters. I don't, they look at me a little bit like an outlier. Like all of them are still

in North Carolina and they all do their thing and I'm the weird one that's like on, in sketch shows and shit like that. I get it. So having a kid I thought would normalize me. Like I am one of you. I am one of the people. And I went for Thanksgiving and my aunt was like, so when are you having another baby i was like bitch i had one i thought that was the deal yeah i had one i'm like you guys i have one leave me alone the baby another one another one this child is in here with ham in one hand a plushie and other running around barefoot what i can't handle two of those people if i had another child i would turn into um i would turn into tommy pickles when he was trying to kill dill pickles i would literally lose my mind i can't have another baby i'm exhausted yeah i can't

imagine because she's two so then if you had another one she'd be like almost three yeah and then it's like a newborn and a three-year-old that sounds awful my mom had me when my sister was one and a half and i was like bitch why would you ever a newborn and a one and a half year old you're psychotic you're absolutely unhinged that's weird um but i was an accident i wasn't supposed to be here i think they were just like raw dogging after she was told she couldn't have any more kids and then i was like hi but i yeah two kids under the age of like five sounds so hard yeah it sounds insane no no thank you i don't want it no wait so what apps are you on currently tinder here's why tinder only for dating women. So occasionally I pick up my Gucci coupons and I'm like, ooh, girls.

Just here. I'm like a white woman in Kohl's. Just here to spend my Kohl's cash. To redeem my Kohl's cash. Ooh, ooh, ooh. And dating women is absolutely horrible. I don't know why I continue to try and do this. Wait, why do you think it's horrible?

I mean, I've only dated a couple women and it didn't end well. So why is your experience horrible? Because dating women requires just a level of like care that I have never possessed in my life. care that I have never possessed in my life. The last girl I dated, like she wanted to go to she dinners and she wanted to text all the time. And she was very, very, very emotional.

And I was like, I felt like a teenage boy. Like, okay, but show me your ditty. Like, are you going to do that? I get it.

You're sad. Show me your titties. Yeah. I get it. You want dinner. Show me them titties. Yeah. And she was wonderful.

Like, she paid for everything. She would, like, help me. Like, if we were out and with my daughter, she would help me take care of my daughter. She was wonderful. But the level of care that goes into caring for a woman, I don't have. And so I often think it's unfair for me to date women. Cause I'm just like,

I don't have that capacity for you. Caring for a man is like caring for a dog. That's blind. It's old. I could just leave water and food out and eventually, and we'll go on a couple walks and it's old decrepit I could just leave water and food out and eventually and we'll go on a couple walks and it's done caring for a woman is like caring for a very healthy brand new puppy like it's so much and I'm like girl I am here for a season okay I'm gonna cash in my little coupon and then I'm gonna go back to me and where I belong honey I'm not here for a long time it is funny because I do think women require more care

more uh sensitivity more just like more in general but then then I'm like, I require a lot. So I'm like, oh, interesting. I don't want to give what I require. I'm like, that's too much work. And then I'm like, is that why men are so bad? Because women require so much and they just are not equipped emotionally or physically to deal with women? Yes. Interesting. Every time I date a woman, I come back with my head, you know, my hat in my hand.

And I'm like, okay, man, I get it. I get it. I'm going to ease up just a little. I get it. You just want to watch a game. Like, I dated this girl one time, and she wanted to every day keep me updated about her cats. Oh, yeah. And my cat did this and then the other cat did that.

And I was like one day I was like, girl, I do. I'm allergic. Like, I don't care. I care about one cat. And it's not. And it's not an animal. Yes. OK.

That's very funny. Oh, my God. Now I'm like really thinking about myself and I'm like, am I incredibly annoying to everyone I date? And the answer is yes. I am the most annoying and I don't know how to change that. Like I once dated somebody and we were ordering food and I was sitting next to them. And then I didn't realize I was doing this. I was just getting closer and closer until we were like, I wrapped my legs around him and he was like, Hey, I can't see the phone. And I was like, what do you mean? He was like, you've just, you've really moved your body in a way around me that like and I'm happy to be close to you. But like, I can't I can't order the food because you've wrapped your whole body around me and I can't really see the phone.

And I was like, oh, oh, my God, that's so crazy. How long have you not been able to see the phone? He's like a minute, Nicole. Like, I just I thought you would like get off me at some point. But then you like didn't. And I was like, oh, ha ha ha ha ha. But no, I'm just really annoying when I'm dating somebody. Oh, boy. I wonder if I'll be less annoying in my next relationship.

Probably not. OK, real quick. We got to take a break. What we hope for is your next relationship is that they just love all your annoyances. That's all. I hope so. And I hope they like Sonic. Because Sonic 3 is coming out soon.

And hopefully I'll be dating someone and we can go see it in theaters. Was Sonic, like, a thing, and you just really enjoy it? You don't know this? I fucking love Sonic, and I love ducks, and this is one of my prized possessions. It's a Sonic duck! Okay. Well, great. I hope that your next relationship they are love sonic as much as you and fin diesel as much as you oh my god but not in a weird creepy way i need to date somebody who loves sonic and then wants to always watch the fast and the furious i was dating somebody once who i can't remember what we were doing but he he was like, you seem uneasy.

And I was like, I don't know, I'm not having a good day. And then he's like, I know what I'll do. And he put on the Fast and the Furious. It was the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me. That's insane. Oh my God. He gets it. He gets it.

Wait, Liz, how are we going to go find men? How are we going to do this? Listen, listen. Wait, you can find men at fun places like the zoo. What do you think? I live in a Hallmark movie. I guess I, too, could go to the zoo. But I was like, you have a child. So you can bring your kids to the zoo and fall in love with this man at the gorilla cages.

It's just me pushing my baby in a stroller. Obviously, I have one to pump. I have one to heal. No big deal. Right? The hair is done. The makeup is flawless. Yeah.

Because it's a day at the zoo. And I look over and there's Jamie working at the gorilla pit. And he almost fell in because that was so stunning. And then one of the gorillas naturally, you know, kind animals saved him. And we fell in love. Honestly, I think you should go to the zoo more often. I think that's where it's going to happen for you. Oh, my God.

I think the men that are at the zoo that are typically already with their families. And, you know, we see how that worked out for me before. Yeah, you're right. You're right. You're right. I don't know where we're going to meet men. I don't go. I also don't go anywhere.

So, like, you describing going to parties and going out just seems so it sucks and i don't want to do it but like i i went to a bar for my friend's birthday so there was like a group of us and then she was like go talk to that guy he's really cute and i was like oh i've i haven't done that in years yeah i i just what how do you what do you say to them like nice looking drink like what do you what do you say to somebody i don't know how to flirt anymore i don't i don't know what to say. I'm like, okay, I like them sneakers. Those are cool. Those are good sneakers. Yeah.

You got all your parents still. Your parents still alive. That's crazy. Mine too. They still good. Liz, that's the funniest question. You still got your parents? Yeah, yeah.

Me too. Because it was like, what were you getting at? What were you getting? But I like, because it was like a year of the pandemic. I didn't really date during the pandemic because I was like, I don't know. I'm fat. If I go to the hospital wheezing, they'll just tell me to lose weight. And it's like, I'm dying of COVID.

So I'm like, I'm not doing that. I'm not meeting somebody I don't know and whatever. And then after COVID, I like met somebody kind of quickly after like getting vaccinated and whatnot. And then I dated them for a while. And now I'm like, wait, I think these years I had the game have really fucked me up. Like I don't, I don't know how to talk to people anymore. Do you want to role play do you want to see how i'm i'll be a man at a bar oh i'm a man i'll have an old-fashioned which is disgusting but i'll drink it you know what i actually do i like an old-fashioned that's funny that you ordered it oh yeah it's rocky fuel man fuel. I gotta go. I just, I gotta go.

I love, it's really funny that you call it a rocket fuel, but I gotta get out of here. Liz, that's so funny that you as a man just went, rocket fuel. Okay, I'll be a man and we're at a bar. Okay. Hey, wow, you're beautiful. Oh, gee, thanks.

Your siblings still hanging in there? Got any brothers and sisters? That's a fun question. I do. I have one brother and then sadly my sister, she passed away. She fell out of a roller coaster about two years ago that's crazy wow so so what's your brother still doing he good he good because he didn't he wasn't on a roller coaster though right no he was on the roller coaster he watched my sister fall right out um you know he

he's been in and out of therapy and stuff, but he's doing pretty good now. Yeah, that's wild. That's wild. So you don't ride roller coasters, though, because it seems like it's two for two. And I would hate for it. It would be three for three with your parents. Well, actually, I was going to ask you on a date to Six Flags Great America. Yeah, that seems like a bad idea.

Y'all don't have good luck in your family. So I don't think that's... Come on, take a chance with me. Take a chance on me, please. No, I'm good, sir. Thank you. Y'all don't have good luck in your family so come on take a chance with me take a chance on me please no i'm good sir thank you y'all have bad luck all right the devil is on your family okay nice jesus is that jesus don't have his head on y'all life so wait a minute even in our role playing we can't get a date well i, I mean, both men are insane. Wait, you need to tell me, if you met a man whose sister died in a roller coaster accident and he wanted to take her to Six Flags, you wouldn't go?

Jesus does not have his hand on that family. Okay? You're right. And they don't, because they don't make good decisions. Okay? My sister died falling out of a roller coaster. First of all, your sister knew she was too thin to ride whatever roller coaster she was riding. So that doesn't make any sense. Then your brother was there. He in and out of therapy. That sounds like he may have a little addiction and addiction. It's not, you know, it's a sickness, but you got that. Then you want to take me up to the six flags. You, it sounds like you push your sister out of that roller coaster and now you're looking for more victims jesus don't have a say in all your life i can't go up there but thank you see i would go just to see like are we gonna get on a roller coaster

are we gonna like cry in front of the roller coaster your sister died in front i would just i would just be curious like what are we gonna do on this date where your sister passed away this is so morbid I I truly would just be like I gotta see where this is going that's gotta see where this is go would you take a date like what's the date that you're absolutely never gonna say yes to um oh that's. Because I would truly go anywhere. I simply have no boundaries. And I'm always curious as to what somebody is trying to get me to do. Wait, name some dates. And I'll tell you. So obviously, we know you're going on amusement park. Absolutely. Would you go to a cooking class? I would. Okay. Would you go on a mall date where you guys go around to different stores and eat Sbarro in the food court?

Yes. Obviously, we know you like bowling. Love bowling. Batting cages. I would do that. Skydiving. I would absolutely do that. Skydiving. I would absolutely do that. The only date that is the absolute worst that I would say is when they want you to go to their house.

Mmm. It depends. I'll go to your house if it's like, oh, we've talked and we're just trying to fuck we're not actually trying to like cultivate a relationship or anything then i'll go to your house and i'll fuck you and then you have to leave me alone because i've i've hooked up with people and then they've like texted me constantly and i'm like you no i don't i don't want this like we're just we just hooked up please leave me alone i think for me anytime some a man immediately offers his home i assume he wants to be robbed oh i think you want me to rob you when have you ever robbed somebody i haven't yet um but i think it's time to start

teaching men some lessons like i don't even want like whatever you got in your house like i obviously can't steal this tv like i have a a baby seat in the back of our car so it's not gonna fit but i might steal some of your jordans for no reason because you should know better than the less strangers in your house i mean you're kind of right but i don't know i'm like what is what does anybody have for me to steal like i guess jewelry like sure maybe but i'm like i don't know what like how much you're gonna get for a necklace like diamonds depreciate i think robbing someone seems to be dumb because like my tv is old if you came into my house you'd be so mad yeah there's nothing

for me to rob really is I'm gonna think I'm gonna find something sentimental or inconvenient like I'm gonna steal all all your spices like Liz that's not a lot that's not a lot of money but it's annoying to have to go rebuy smoked paprika i would be so mad if i opened my spice drawer and there was no spices i'd be like what this bitch took all my spices like yeah why would why the fuck and i already have i already have tony saturates but i'm gonna steal yours because you shouldn't invite me to your house that's what you're that's so funny to leave someone's house with just like a bag of spices and it's like, don't worry about what's in the bag.

I had a nice time. Goodbye. Bye. Block you. You'll never hear from me again. Liz, what are your New Year's resolutions?

Did I ask you this? You haven't. What are my New Year's resolutions? I would really, really, really love to work on

a comedy body of work that I could release maybe an album maybe something filmed um i want to learn uh french more fluently oh and i really would like a partner that i will not steal from. JK wasn't serious about that. That's so funny. Some man's listening to this podcast who's actually straight and he's like, man, I really liked Liz.

She was really charming, but she gonna steal from me, so. She's just gonna rob me. I think I'll avoid her. Wait, Liz, have you ever had someone hit on you after a show? Do you have chuckle fuckers? I to ask you i yes i've actually had a man follow me to my car yeah so i don't know if this happens for you but i imagine it happens for

other comics um i do talk about sex on stage i don't i don't get the whole thing about women talk about sex it's like yes because it's a part of life right so i talk about sex on stage and in some of my earlier material um it's a little more graphic than what it is now and so i've had men imply that they want to do the things with me that i've talked about on stage imply that they want to do the things with me that I've talked about on stage while my boyfriend had been standing like right there so that's always awkward um one night after the funny bong we have a Virginia Beach funny bong so that's my home club I had one of the worst clubs I've ever been to gotta just say that on the record it sucks I hate it they might be nice to liz but nobody was nice to me i'm very sorry it's okay it's not your fault so i was done out for the weekend and if you've ever

been to the funny bone you know that the parking lot the parking garage is across the street so you have to cross like four-way traffic and a lot of times it's audience members just walk into that parking garage I didn't think anything of it until I kind of got alone and I noticed like a presence still behind me I kind of stepped up the pace and then I heard a car door close and I was like okay then he came up behind me in the car and he was like was you need a ride to your car do you want me to just drive you to your car I just thought you were really beautiful on stage and I was like yeah Acura is for ex-moderators. So sometimes.

But a lot of times not so much anymore. So thank God for that. But yes, I've had people hit on me. Oh, you know what I get a lot? What? Interracial threesomes. Interesting. White women proposing that I have a threesome with her and her always unattractive Black boyfriend.

He is always a man that is like, you know, the Black dudes that are bald and they have muscles in their head. And he's wearing a shirt or an outfit that looks like it's sous vide onto his body. And it's just, and I'm like, you want me to, and she had the I date black men haircut. And it's like, Suzanne, I truly appreciate the offer. I cannot think of anything less I'd rather do than sleep with you and Mr. Clean. Thank you so much. I've been propositioned by, like, all white women with, like, crazy colored hair and they're very thin husbands like they're chubby women and thin husbands and they're like br third and i'm like i can't think of anything i want less yes um i you know thank you uh for whatever like there's just like some like after a show

it's like i it's like when you leave the operating room not that being a doctor and being a comic or the same thing but it's like i left my job and you're hitting on me and it's like when you leave the operating room, not that being a doctor and being a comic are the same thing, but it's like I left my job and you're hitting on me. And it's like you just finished surgery and like someone's hitting on you. Like that's an insane thing. But it's like people don't think about like this is my job. One thousand percent. And it's not just like I finished surgery. I finished surgery on you.

I performed this service for you. And then you got up from the table and was like, yeah, so you want to fuck me and my weird boyfriend? My weird thin boyfriend? Fuck me. Who's on a unicycle? No, girl. A unicycle?

Don't mind if I do. Oh, my God. Liz, do you have any advice for single people out there? I know you're a single, but any advice? with that from the beginning. You know, I've matched with a lot of guys and I'm like, listen, I'm looking to date. I want to be in a relationship. And if that's not your thing, that's okay. We can move on.

Instead of having those preliminary goofy conversations that you're having and then you find out like he wants something casual and you want something serious. So just be up front with what you want. Keep it moving. I think that's nice do you have advice no okay great but it's good advice though be up front i'm never up front i'm always like what are

you looking for and they're like nothing serious and i'm like yeah me either when i'm like i guess i'll put this ring away that i'm gonna give them and I'll put my keys away that I was going to give him a copy of. Like, I really want to be in a relationship. Yeah. And but also I'm trying to learn how to like, I think my New Year's resolution is like, be chill. Like, get to know someone before you decide you want to be in a relationship with them. And then it's like, if I decide I don't want to be in a relationship with them, it's OK to break up with them and then it's like if I decide I don't want to be in a relationship with them it's okay to break up with them it's okay to move slow but it's also okay to say hey it's been a month I like you I would like to be in a relationship and as soon as they say no leave like I gotta I can't

change somebody's mind and that is something I need to really stick to yeah i think that's great advice yay yay well liz we've come to the end i asked all my guests this would you date me one thousand percent every time oh thank you liz uh do you have anything that you want to promote um please follow my podcast the the Fluffy Chronicles podcast. We'll be having new episodes in February. And please come see Nicole on tour because I'll likely be the first place you see. Yes, come. Liz is so funny and she's so great. And I'm so happy I met her. I met her in D.C. and I was like, oh, my God, this is delightful.

She's chill. She's nice. She's professional. Come with me everywhere it was delightful to meet you and i'm so happy that i did yay um if you like this episode of why won't you date me you can like it you can rate it you can subscribe you can i don't know review it on apple podcast or whatever but if you write me something nasty hitting on me to why won't you date me podcast at gmail.com, I will read it. Okay, this person said, Dear Ms. Byer, here's the scene. We go to Disneyland and get caught in the Honey, I Shrunk

the Kids ride. But oh no, it actually works on me and I become a teeny, a tiny weenie man. But horn strikes, so I go find a huge ladder for my tiny weenie man. I climb that son of a bitch and climb up into your ample ass. I continue to cement myself inside all safe and warm, then go to town using your rectal piece as a bouncy castle. Thanks and bye. Wow. I don't know who that was fun for.

Certainly not me. I have a small man jumping around in my butt. That feels like I would feel like I have to like shit for a while. Interesting. Thank you for that. But I don't know if that was fun. What? Okay.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. You've been listening to Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer. This show is produced by me, Mars, with guest research by Lindsay Kempf. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco,

with guest booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a dirty message for Nicole? Write it to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye. This has been a Team Coco production.