Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Background Check Your Dates (w/ Lala Kent)

Episode Date: July 12, 2024

Lala Kent (Vanderpump Rules) joins Nicole to reveal why she chose a sperm donor for her pregnancy and explain the tier system of sperm options. She shares the reasons she background checks all her dates and spills some of the craziest discoveries she's made. Plus, Lala opens up about her experience co-parenting her daughter and dating while pregnant. Follow Nicole Byer:Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me and Nicole Byer was trying to figure out why I was so stangle even though you could come in the laundry detergent slot of my washing machine and say, this will make your clothes softer.

My guest today is a reality TV star known for her role on Bravo's hit series, Vanderpump Rules. She's also the host of her own podcast, Give Them Lala. And we were on a show called Are You Smarter Than a Celebrity? Turns out a lot of people are. It was very, very hard. It's Lala Kent. Hi, everybody. How are we? I listen, I'm thriving. I'm doing fine. Um, I love that the sun is out again. And listen, I'm doing well. How are you? I feel great. I have no complaints. I'm ready to like give birth.

Like I would like to just like have that happen. Wait, you're still pregnant? I feel like we shot so long ago and you were so pregnant then. No, I think about that all the time. I'm like, we're still doing this? We're still here? No, but that was so much fun. I loved doing, are you smarter than a celebrity? And you're right, most people were smarter.

It was so wild. Like the questions that they asked, I was like, I don't think I learned this ever. And I feel so dumb. It was definitely a humbling experience. Yeah. Yeah, humbling is a very good word for it. Wait, Lala. So, wait, how pregnant are you? And when are you due?

I'm bad at math, if you remember correctly. I do remember. I also remember how bad I was at math, where I just gave up in the middle. Just drew a picture. So I'm 30 weeks. So I don't, what is 30 weeks in like months? What are there four weeks in a month? I give birth in September. Oh my God. You're going to be so, what? Young girl. Wait, that's so wild. You've had a baby inside you for so long. I know. And the second I read it, did you ever see Juno? The movie Juno? Yeah, I saw it a long time ago.

Long time ago, but now every time I read in like the app that the baby has fingernails, anytime I feel it move, I'm like, oh my God, she's trying to claw her way out of me. I'm freaking out. Wait, that is so wild to think about. Like, do you ever like get a pain in your stomach and you're like, oh, she might've scratched me? Or, I don't know, do you know what you're having?

I'm having a girl. And you wanna know what's wild, Nicole, your podcast is Why Won't You Date Me and I'm Pregnant Via Donor. You know, I love it. I love it, I love it, I love it. We gotta have babies however we want. However we want, but we're really gonna like

deep dive into like the why. Okay, let's get into it. Why did we do a donor? And was doing a donor hard? Like, what do you have to do we do a donor? And was doing a donor hard? Like, what do you have to do to do a donor? You go to a clinic, and then do you flip through a book, and you're like, this person looks good. They literally, you sign up on the website, like, create a profile,

and then there's different levels of donor. So there's like a platinum donor, which is what my donor is. Wait, that is so wild. That is truly a treat that they rank the donors for you. So it sounds like an American Express level card. So is there like silver, gold and platinum? I think there are those. Yes, I think there's those levels.

I just saw platinum went straight for the platinum. What if there was one higher? What if there was like a diamond? I would have been there. I would have ventured into that section. But literally they tell you everything from like the person's favorite song to like the largest panel of genetic testing that you can possibly get. So it really is like shopping.

I shopped for a baby daddy. And the best part about it was that he doesn't exist, only his sperm does. So they go away and you're just left with like, you're offspring. And that was not my game plan. Like when I thought about my life, I was not sitting here thinking, you know,

we're at some point in time going to have a second baby with a donor. But I was so scarred from my past situation that I have yet to really fully recover from that I was like, you know what, let's just keep it clean. If there's anything I've learned from my past dating experience, I know that I want to keep my waters clean.

I think that's smart. I think it's like, okay, you knew you wanted a second kid, and you're like, I'm not healed yet, so I'm gonna go ahead and have this kid. And I think that's exciting and fun. Thank you. I'm very excited. I think it's gonna be fun. Thank you. I'm very excited. I think it's gonna be fun. We'll see, because there are certain things that my kid now, her name's Ocean, she's three, there are things that she does

where it's easy for me to be like, well, she must have picked that up over at the other house. It'll be so interesting and probably humbling. Now, this new one has bad habits and it's all from me. Right. I'm really excited. I'm excited, a little nervous for that part. But I mean, you know, my last experience with just like being with my last partner has scarred

me so much that it's made dating extremely hard because I do a background check on everyone I date now. Like full worldwide background check. Really? Yeah. Oh yeah, Nicole. How much is a background check? You know, a couple thousand bucks. Oh my God. Dating's already hard enough. You gotta add $1,000 to it. And I mean, I'm still single,

so not many have, like, passed the background check. Wait, what is the wildest thing you have found in a background check? Okay, it doesn't sound like it's that wild, but there was this guy who I was super into, and he claimed that he owned his home, and when the background check came back, there were no homes to be owned ever at all. and he claimed that he owned his home. And when the background check came back,

there were no homes to be owned ever at all. And I'm like, that's so not a big deal, but it shows that, like, you lie. SHANNON I do think that is actually a big deal. I think that is a wild thing to lie about. You're like, yes, I own my house. Also, like, when does that come up in conversation? Like, yes, I own this house. Welcome in. And then you're like, no, you actually don't. Like, that is so... Oh, that is funny. That is very funny to say to somebody.

Yes. I was like, what? Like, I don't care if you rent or own. Like, and by the way, such a random thing, like you said, just randomly bring up in conversation. And it's, you randomly brought it up and you're lying about it. But then there are things that come back in a background check. Like there was this really hot guy who was dating. He was like 6'6", covered in tattoos.

Oh my God, he was so hot. Yeah, and not like a lurpy 6'6". Like a yoked up 6'6". And he had… His record was like a little all over the place, his background check. But he had like this charge that had later been dropped, but it would have been a felony assault charge. Oh no!

But when you read the breakdown, it was like, this to me says that two dudes got way too drunk, fought each other, and my guy won. Like, and it was... Oh, ha ha ha! Wait, that's so... That is so funny that you could take it as that. You could be like, and he won.

So it means he'll defend my honor. And it's like, or he'll get so mad at you that he like maybe does something awful to you. Don't worry about it. I mean, I was reading it to my friend, Or he'll get so mad at you that he like maybe does something awful to you. Don't worry about it. I mean, I was reading it to my friend and she, I was like, listen to what I thought was the red flag. He had like 27 unpaid parking tickets and I was like, irresponsible.

That's a red flag. She's like, what? That's the red flag. You're like, he has almost a felony charge. And you're like, yeah, but those unpaid parking tickets. Wow, a lot of shit comes back in a background check. I think I paid up by parking tickets. I usually, I let them simmer for a little bit. So they...

Was it when you first moved to LA? No, it's currently. Currently in the call. I will park anywhere. I had my car towed because I parked it in a spot that was like, we will tow this after eight. And it was like 8.05 and I was like, they won't tow my car. That would be so mean.

And then they towed my car, and then I had to go down to Skid Row to go get it. There was a cat sitting on top, and I was like, ooh, this cat's cute. And then I was like, wait, Skid Row's kind of scary. Listen, I'm throwing myself in the most fun situations at all times. It's like one, like you almost seek the thrill of like,

will I make it until 8-05? Or will the car be gone? It's like, who knows? Will I? Won't I? Who knows? And it's like, and sometimes I have parked where I'm not supposed to and then nothing happens and I always go, yes. Ha ha ha ha!

Because I know I'm supposed to get a ticket. But you didn't and that's the thrill of it. And that's the absolute thrill. I also recently met a man who was like 6'6 and like not a little wanky one. He was like bigger and I was like, oh my God. And all he was was nice to me. And I was like, I'm in love with him. And we spoke for maybe four minutes.

And I sometimes think about him. I'm like, what is he doing now? Nothing. Having a nice life. Not thinking of me. Like... You never know though. He could totally be thinking about you.

He's not. I don't know. I continue... The bar continues to get lower and lower. Like at this point, you just need a valid driver's license and car insurance. If you have both of those things, I'm like, you know what? You're really killing it. Like, if they don't have a job, like I have one of those, all good. So wait, you're okay being a sugar mama?

You know, I think they would have to be upfront about it. If it was like, you know, I just don't dig working. I'm more of a creative and like sometimes I just want to like chill out. I'd be like, great. At least I know the drill. Transparency. Well, that's very, very funny that you're like, at least he was honest. At least he told me that he loves to paint in color with markers. And that's his thing. And I guess I can support us until he takes off as an artist. Totally.

I need someone with a job. I love people with jobs. I love people with their own money. Yeah, that's me. You gotta have some sort of drive and passion that brings home money. Right, you've gotta bring home some sort of, it doesn't have brings home money. Right. You've got to bring home some sort of like, it doesn't have to be bacon.

No. You know, it could be some other. It could be little crumbs is fine. You don't have to make a ton of money. Just a little bit. Wait, are you going to stick with the ocean theme for your second kid? Are you going to stick aquatic or have you even thought of that? You know, I I feel like the moment I stick to like an aquatic theme,

Ocean, the name Ocean gets cheesy and corny. Mm, yeah. You know? And like a body of water, like what am I gonna name this baby? Like a little stream, you know? Lake, but even then it's like, well, I can tell which kid you thought was gonna be like the more powerful of the two. You know, ocean is just so strong that I just don't feel like I can venture into like the

water theme. I do have the name and it is, no one's going to guess it. And it's so far away from like… And you don't have to reveal it. I'm excited to learn what the name is. You know, I'm excited to reveal it. Because I've just been sitting here. My daughter knows the name and she says it all around the house. So anytime I do anything live, I'm like,

get her out of here. You know, having a kid seems fun and nice. I don't want them because I'm a very selfish person and I don't want to put anyone before me. But like, that's so cute. I love that you said that because I'm the very selfish person and I don't want to put anyone before me. But like, that's so cute. I love that you said that because I'm the type of person where it's like, I think my kids are great, right? Mm-hmm.

I'm like, I created them. They're obviously the best of the best. But when I have other people telling me about their kids, I'm like, that's cool. Can we move on with the topic? I don't really want to talk about kids, I'm like, that's cool. Can we move on with the topic? I don't really wanna talk about this. I'll look at pictures. I'll listen to a couple stories. I'll even meet your kid.

But like, I don't, I don't, I just, one in my house seems sick. Like waking up to someone being like, mommy, I need things. I'm like, oh God, I need things too. Who's gonna get them for us? Not for me. The moment anyone says like, I don't really know if I want kids.

I'm like, then don't have them because the freedom goes out the window. You go out the window. You think you're gonna be like the mom who looks like Kim Kardashian doing it all. You won't, you look rough. You know? It just is what it is. You look good.

Well, thank you, babe. Please tell me that all the time. Because there are times where I look at myself and I'm like, wow, I did not expect this at all. Ha ha ha. Is co-parenting hard? It must be, because you have to like coordinate schedules and shit. Yeah, I don't enjoy it. I think I don't.

I think because there's such bad blood, I think with some people it can be easy and at times it can be annoying. For me, anytime I have to engage, it is like pit in the stomach, I don't... If I could have somebody be the go-between forever, that would be... Yeah, like a liaison.

Yeah, that would be great. There are times, because I now have to engage, because Ocean's getting to that age with school and dance recitals. When Ocean's around, I put on a smile. We don't sit near each other or anything like that, but like I don't ignore that person. When she is not in the mix and we have to go to parentee type things.

Don't look in my direction. I don't know you. You don't know me. That's so interesting. I never really understood, like, having a relationship and then being like, oh, the things you did were bad, and then we're never gonna talk again. But I did have, like, this situationship where I, like, quickly learned, and I was like, oh,

I see how you can love someone. And then literally, like, I don't know, time passes, and you go, wait a minute, all the stuff you did was bad. And I don't think I want to speak to you again. It is wild, right? Yeah, it is. It's kind of a mind fuck. It is that you can sit there and have such wonderful, beautiful memories with someone

and then something can happen and you, the mask kind of falls and you're like, oh wow, there's like a lot of stuff you did that I'm not cool with. And I actually kind of hate you and never wanna see you again. Yeah. To go from one to the other. Yeah, it's, oh God, it's so wild.

Wait, okay, so Ocean's doing recitals and stuff. Have you ever been to a recital and been like, wow, these kids suck. But then you have to be like later, oh my God, you did such a good job. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I mean, I think because Ocean is in like,

she's like the youngest of, well, no, there was a class that was like one year olds. And there was this little boy, cause even if they don't dance and they just sit and cry, I'm like, they're killing it right now. Like, I'm obsessed. There was a little boy who had one hand in his pocket and he just sat there and then slowly he started to rock and tap his foot

and the audience went wild for him. So I don't think that any of the kids like sucked. I think they were just really young and trying to figure out what the hell they were doing. That is so funny. Oh, she was killing it. They danced to Rich Girl by Gwen Stefani with white boas. All right. Maybe that is, maybe I would enjoy a recital.

That does sound actually very funny. A bunch of children dancing to Rich Girl. It was really, really fun. I enjoyed it. I was like, this is hella fun for a Saturday. Like, what else am I gonna be doing? I don't drink, you know? Oh, yeah. When did you get sober? Do you wanna talk about that? You don't have to.

Yeah, we can talk about it. I've been sober for almost six years. But one day at a time, as the program says. Oh, so you did the program. Yep, I do the program. I did the whole thing. You know, it's a funny, it's really interesting because sobriety is also, it depends on who you ask, right? I was having this conversation with my brother

and I have been fully sober for that amount of time, right? Like I haven't been on anti anxiety meds. I stopped smoking weed, like the whole thing. We're sober. I don't even take NyQuil without like letting my sponsor know I'm taking some NyQuil. So I was like, you know, I have a lot of anxiety right now and I don't really want to go in and be prescribed like some synthetic drug. Not that there's anything wrong with it. I personally, but for you, for me, I'm like, so the alternative is I hear a lot of people are micro dosing mushrooms or, you know, they do their little weed stuff. I'm like, I would rather go that direction. But then is that considered like a relapse?

It's like a really funky thing. And I think it truly is. It depends on who you ask. Yeah. Me personally, I don't think it's a relapse, especially if you have help with it. Do you know what I mean? Like if you know you have a problem with moderation

and consuming things, it's like, okay, if I do this with somebody and I like stick to a regimen, because with microdosing, I think it's three days on, two days off, three days on, two days off. So it doesn't... And don't quote me, I'm like 99% sure that's how you do it. But mushrooms are fun. Have you done mushrooms?

I've done mushrooms recreationally when I was obviously not sober. And I had the best time. I stared at one tree for like a solid three hours and I was like, it's giving us air. Like sobbing, like breath, breathing. I have also, I've microdosed and I've done them recreationally. Once I tried to hug a tree, because I was like, this tree wants me to hug it. And then I did it on a date where we saw a movie,

and I don't think I've laughed harder than at that movie. And then I was walking to the bathroom, and I was like, oh my God, this carpet wants me to surf on it. And then I was like, wait, people are watching me surf on this carpet. Just go to the bathroom. And then in the bathroom, the wood grains were dancing. And I was like, oh my god, this is great. But when I microdosed, you just take like one of these

little capsules or whatever, and life is just a little lighter and conversation was a little easier. OK. And I liked it. But also, if you are sober and you really don't want to do that, then, meditation is a wild thing that people say, but I don't know how to meditate. I, my brain has too much shit in it.

JADE BAUMGARTEN Well, see, that's the other thing, is it's like, I could meditate if I were medicated. I can't even meditate medicated! I can't even meditate medicated. No, it's like my mind is a thousand different places in a very short period of time. I remember smoking weed and I went from like the happiest of memories to thinking like, oh, we're really in the abyss of life. And like 30 seconds had gone by. I'm like, how do we have so many thoughts?

I'm exhausted. I know. Sometimes I am exhausted just by living. I'm just like, oh my god, this was so hard. And then I'll be like, wait, I didn't do anything today. I just kind of thought about something and then like made coffee. And I was like, huh, better take a nap.

That's me. I'm like, I put two feet on the ground. Time for a nap. It's a lot. Mentally, it's two feet on the ground. Time for a nap. It's a lot. Mentally, it's a lot. It is, it's so much. And then it's funny, because I feel like during the pandemic,

we spent a lot of time inside and then going back outside. I was like, oh boy, I forgot how hard this was. I forgot how hard it was to be on a set. I forgot, I forgot all this shit. You, we really did forget how hard it was just to like communicate with the outside world. I'm like, did I always like hate everybody this much?

Yes, people annoy me. They annoy me so much, I'll like go out into the world and go to a coffee shop and someone will do something and I'm like, oh my God, why did I leave my house? What, for this? For this idiot? Yeah, I feel safe in my four walls. And when I do venture out, because people come back into my home and they're like, I went out and it was fun.

And I'm like, I'm going to try it. I'm going to go out and see if I can have fun. I go out and it's not that fun. The hype is not real. And then I go back to, well, was it fun for them because they got to have like some social lubrication. They got to smoke some weed, you know? I see life for what it is. Well, I did, two months I didn't drink,

this was years and years and years ago, but I would just do soda water with like a lime. And after a while, like being in a bar, it gave me a little bit of a placebo effect. And I was like, am I drunk? Are they slipping me something? I was like, oh no, it's just like the environment. But the other night I went out with my friend Meatball,

who's a drag queen, and we went to this gay bar. They were having like a twerk night, and then Meatball was like, let's go in like the little area upstairs. And then it was just me, Meatball, and my friend Nori. It was the three of us just dancing alone. And I was like, wow, I had a great time. And I think the reason why I had a great time

is because I didn't interact with anyone I didn't know, but I was out and there was good music. Ha ha ha. That does, can I tell you? That's how you have the good time. Let's not pick her nose. Thanks. No, if I-

How funny. She's still picking her nose. How funny. Ha ha ha. She was like, Mommy turned around, so I'm gonna dig right up in there. Ha ha ha. She was like, mommy turned around, so I'm gonna dig right up in there. No, but I find that when I like just keep my people, if I can keep my people, go out,

this is why I'm like, maybe I should venture back into like a nightclub, because you do get the placebo effect. And now like, now I feel like I could splurge on like my table. You know, back in the day, it was like you just ventured in, like got your tits up and you were like, hey. Hello, can I come in?

They gave you a free out call, but like you literally couldn't, there was no room to do anything because you and 2,700 other hot bitches were freaking standing around and they're lame and their personalities suck. And at least I was cool. Like, I understood why I was there. But I'm like, now I could fill this table with just my people and dance and, like, pop my flatty for a real one. Maybe I'll do it. I don't know.

I think you should. Although I do miss old clubbing days where, like, you didn't have to get a bottle, but you just, like, found your have to get a bottle. Yeah. But you just like found your little area and you danced or whatever. But I get it, you gotta get a bottle and the bottle's what, like $400 fucking dollars and you're like, but I could go to Costco and get this for 20. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Wait, Lala, real quick, we have to take a break. And we're back, Lala. Okay. Were you an early bloomer or a late bloomer? Like physically? Yeah. I got boobs. Or like dating. Oh, okay.

Well, like physically I got boobs in like the fourth grade. Wild. I got my, I still don't have my boobs yet. Your boobs haven't come in yet. No. They're little B cups. And when I lay down, they're, like, concave. So, wait, fourth grade, you had titties. That's so wild to me. It was wild. It was wild. And the boys would, like, throw things at them. Yeah. It was a little odd. But then mine stayed the same

and like everybody else who got boobies later, they were like super voluptuous and like massive. So then mine were like old news, right? But when I started dating, well, I mean, I had like little boyfriends. Like my first boyfriend was also in the fourth grade. His name was Taylor. I carried around his little school picture. But like fully dating, my first real productive relationship.

And actually, Nicole, still to this day, I will say it was like my only productive, healthy relationship. Started when I was 17 and lasted until I was 20. Oh, okay. That's a solid amount of time. It was a solid amount of time because you're in high school. I lost my virginity to that person. It was like a really wonderful experience. I didn't have any, like my, I feel like my baggage going into the dating world

did not come from the jump. Like I actually started out having a pretty healthy relationship with men. My father was fantastic and amazing. Like I had no way, I don't think, no one psychoanalyzed me over this yet. But I don't believe I had daddy issues. You know? So when I think back on like, okay, is it just this one person that maybe traumatized me so much that it's hard for me to go out and date now

as a woman who's a single mother in her 30s? Or has the game just changed so much where women are so accessible or men, like social media. It becomes, like, I could connect with someone in Italy and have some freaking love affair... GIGI GRIFFIN, JR. ...where that's not, to me, a very natural thing, right? I agree. I started watching this show called Never Have We Met Him. I don't know, something, it's on Macs,

but it's a bunch of people who met online. They've had, like, month-long relationships to years people who met online. They've had like month-long relationships to years-long relationships. One of them had a 13-year relationship on the internet, and then they met for the first time on this show. And I was like, that is truly... It's simply not how we're meant to be. You're not meant to be with someone

for 13 years on the internet and then meet them on camera. Like, that is truly so wild. But yeah, you could meet someone in Italy, talk to them for a couple months, and then meet them, but then they're a different person than what you were talking to, because you can't showcase your whole personality through texting or FaceTiming or whatever.

No, hence why it lasted 13 years. That's longer than most relationships and marriages. Because you can't fully know someone. You can't know someone, but he had a 12-year-old and a two-year-old. And I was like, so in this 13-year-old relationship, a year in, you had a baby with somebody else, and then waited a real long time

and had a baby with somebody else. And neither one of them talked about it. Maybe they talk about it in later episodes. I haven't gotten that far yet, but I was like, this is, dating has changed. It is, when I started dating, you just met people in person. And then apps have made it, truly, you are so accessible. Yeah. And that's the other thing that freaks me out,

is you could be living a life that I'm not even aware of. And how will I ever be made aware of it? Because I'm not the type to go through your phone. The moment I feel I need to go through your phone, I feel like we're done here. You know, if I'm feeling like I need to search for things, that's my gut telling me like time to move on. But I just feel… Wait, have you gone through someone's phone?

No, never. And in fact, I think my last relationship lasted so long because I just never thought that the phone could be like a keeper of so many secrets. And now I'm traumatized by the phone. Whenever I see a man on a date with someone, like a woman, and he's on his phone, I'll look at my mom, who I'm usually on a date with. She's behind me. She's on my side of these twin.

I'm like, he's fucking around on her. Like, why does he need to be on his phone right now? On this date? I'll tell you why. Why? He's on Instagram looking? I'll tell you why. Why? He's on Instagram looking at Big Titty Ho. I do not like when I'm on a date and someone is on their phone. Because I'll just put my phone on Do Not Disturb because I'm like, I'm trying to get to know

you. And the minute someone pulls out a phone, if they're not showing me something, I'm like, wait. So we made plans. We barely know each other. We're trying to get to know each other and you're texting somebody or you're like on Instagram. Like that to me is so fucking rude. What if he got on his phone and was like,

I'm so sorry, I'm waiting for this to come in. I know this is so rude, but I just need to check one thing. Is that fine? That is fine. That's fine. Okay. You're talking to me. You're explaining something to me.

Right. You're not just picking up your phone and then ignoring me and I'm talking and you're like looking up and being like, uh-huh. And then you're back to your phone. Like, I just, I don't get that. I don't get that at all. You know what I've learned in dating though, as well?

And then like having a partner, which again, I haven't been in a relationship in like two and a half years. But the things that we don't let fly, like let's say on a first date or the first week of talking, I don't think the things should fly even later on in the relationship. Like, the phone thing is the perfect example. I don't care if I've been with you on one date or we've been together for 13 years.

When we go out on a date, put the freaking phone away. Yeah. This is you and me time. Like, I think there are things now going forward after I drop this baby, this little Virgo baby, and I do start venturing into the dating pool again. There's gonna be things where I'm like, this is something that has to last forever. Like just common courtesy. We're giving each other our time. We want to be here. And if you want to be on your phone, that means you don't wanna be here

and let's just call it a day. Yeah, I think that's nice. I'm very scared to be upfront like that. I'll just like stew. I'll just be like, I can't believe he's on his phone. And if it's a first date, then I'll be like, oh, I don't think it worked out. But yeah, if I've been with someone for a little bit

and they start doing that, I'll be like, well, I guess that's something I have to accept. And that's terrible. It's so bad that I do things like that. I think it's no I think that's normal though I it's so easy to be like these are my hard lines I don't give a fuck if this happens or that happens I'm done and then you're with the person and reality sinks in and you let things slide that you're like I used to talk to my friends about this, that I would never let this slide.

And here I am letting it slide. Here I am with a piece of shit letting things slide. Wait, Lala, have you been on a date while pregnant? And what was that like? I have been on a date while pregnant. Did you tell them beforehand? Well, here's what's wild is, like, we started talking. He was like an old, an old fling that I had,

and then we started, we reconnected, and I gave him the heads up, like, hey, just so you know, I've secured a donor, and like, I'm gonna be getting pregnant, hopefully, in the next couple months. And the next time he, it was time he was in a different state, the next time he came into town, he was asking me about where he saw our future going.

And I was like, well, it's funny you ask that because if you remember, I told you, I was gonna try to get pregnant. I'm actually 12 weeks pregnant right now. And it was, we never slept together, but it was interesting. I think after that experience, I was like, I'm going to hold off.

Uh-huh. Not that there's, and there were conversations that I would have like on the podcast with my assistant, my brother, my mom, because we're a tight little weird family like that. I'm like, is it weird to sleep with someone while I'm pregnant? And my family... we're very weird. Very close.

I really do love that you asked your family that question. Family, can we have a meeting? Is it weird to fuck while I got a baby inside me? Is it weird? What did they say? They're straight shooters. My brother dismissed himself. Which I don't blame him.

He was like, I'm having to tap out on this one. But my mom was like, I think it's great. I think it's great if you go and do that. You deserve that. And the thought was different than actually like looking down and be like, oh, we've got like a full baby bump. I just don't see me like reverse cow burling right now. It just doesn't.

It might be good for the body. It might be good for a good stretch, if you will. So wait, how long do you wait? How long do you wait before having sex with somebody that you're dating? Oh, I'm horrific. If you're like, if all is working, I'm like, first night, let's go.

Saddle up, partner. I used to be like that. I used to be like, yes, first date, dah, dah, dah. But now I'm like, I don't even want you to kiss me on the first date, because guess what? I don't know you. And I'm trying so hard to get to know people, and I'm trying so hard to date with intention,

which is, it sounds so fucking corny to date with intention, which is, it sounds so fucking corny to date with intention, but like, it's like, what do I want? A relationship. So I have to go into it being like, I don't know you. So like, maybe we hold off on physical stuff because I don't know you. And I would like to get to know you.

You know, I really, I agree with that because I would like to start in a few months dating with intention and creating some sort of companionship. But sometimes they just look so... My daughter. Yeah. So... I love it. She's just tapping you on the shoulder. She's like, you're not paying attention to me.

As I'm talking about hitting it the first night. No, I want to be more like that, but I go into things that I'm like, I'm not going to sleep with them the first night. I catch feelings quick because I'm a woman. And then it happens and I'm like, what have we learned? I'm looking at myself in the mirror. What have we learned, Lauren? We've learned to not do this. And then it happens and I'm like, what have we learned? I'm looking at myself in the mirror. What have we learned, Lauren? We've learned to not do this.

And then it happens again. So we're slowly trying to retrain ourselves. It is simply so hard to break a habit. And I think a lot about Sex and the City, because I fucking love Sex and the City. And I'm like, Samantha was so good at separating sex from love. And but then I'm actually good at it. Yes, she was in the title.

She wasn't the girl that like pretended to be able to actually could keep going. Actually good at that. And then she met Richard, who wasn't good for her. And then she caught feelings. And I was like, Samantha, why did that happen? You were so good at separating sex and love, but then you fell in love with a man who treats you like shit.

Yeah. Why, how does that happen? It happens. I don't know! I don't know! I remember being on set with you and you talking about sex in the city, and you pointed something out that I... I just loved you. I'm like, wow. I did not get that. How much Big hates Carrie?

He hates Carrie. Nobody Carrie Dates likes Carrie. Berger hated her. He was so jealous of her. Aiden, people root for them, but I was like, Aiden was the type of man who was gonna marry the next woman he saw, and that was Carrie. And he tried to change her. He didn't like that she smoked, he didn't like that she liked fashion.

And then Big, Big just liked, I think, having a companion. He went and got married, like, you know, like the second they broke up. And then when he left her, he broke her heart to cheat with Carrie. Nobody likes Carrie. No one likes Carrie. And you know what? Everyone that thinks they want to be Carrie or Samantha.

But you know what? I don't think it would be bad to be Miranda. She's a bad little bitch who like has a career. She's out here hustling, co-parenting, didn't really want kids, got stuck with one and actually is a pretty good mom. You know? I'm like, I kind of want to be Miranda.

She didn't even want Steve. And then she was like, wait, I do want Steve. And you know? She's a man. She's like a man. She is. We should all want a Steve. Miranda!

I love Steve. I think Steve is great. And by the way, when I found out Steve was cheating on Miranda, I was like, he's actually kind of sexy. He's out here pulling puss elsewhere, little old Steve. No! Steve, okay, here's my thing. If we're following the series, I don't think Steve would ever cheat on Miranda.

When he does it in the movie, I was like, that is so out of character. I just simply don't buy it. But yeah, I mean, but then that's like a whole communication thing. You haven't had sex in forever, have a conversation about it. And I know he did try and then she was like, whatever. But like, don't just don't cheat.

I don't understand cheating. I feel like I tell people my business at all times. I've said it before on this podcast, if I cheated on someone, they would be the first person I would tell you. I'd be like, he won't believe what I did last night. I cheated on you. Yeah, and I just don't want that funky energy. Like, I like having a good energy. I like being happy.

I don't want to be like, oh, God, I cheated last night. Oh, they're gonna find out one of these days. I'm gonna tell a friend, they're gonna tell them. No, I don't want any of that shit. And also, how can you even be trusted? Like if you sit down to dinner with your person and they're like, I love you so much. And you look at them and you're like, I love you so much too.

I just don't understand how you could look at someone still and like carry on this relationship knowing you gave like a part of you to someone else. It just, I don't dig the cheating thing. Don't get it. No, I don't get it. It's not nice. Is it a hard line for you?

Is it a hard line for you, Nicole? If someone, if you're in a relationship and they cheat, is it done or could you work through it? I think it's done because how do I trust you with any other thing? Like it's we said we are together, we agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, and then you go sleep with somebody else

and then tell me about it after. I didn't have a choice in the matter. If before you were like, I've been talking to a coworker and I find them very attractive, and I was like, maybe we open up our relationship. Then I can sit down and think about it and go, am I okay with that?

But when you just go do it, it's not for me. I don't like that. Yeah, hard line for me too. We're done here. Yeah, it doesn't feel good to be like, oh, you just went and did this thing and you didn't think of me. Like, there was no thought of me. And when people go, I feel bad, and I told and you didn't think of me. Like there was no thought of me.

And when people go, I feel bad and I told you because it was weighing on me. I'm like, you're not telling me so I know you're telling me so you feel better and I forgive you and I don't want to. That's not for me. Well, the whole dynamic has changed. I don't know you the way I thought I did. And like, I, I, I don't understand. I think it's great women who can come back from it. Even when they do it for like the kids, I'm like, wow, you

possess something that I most certainly do not because just shy of lighting you on fire. Like we're done. If I knew no prison time, you're done for. We're done. If I knew no prison time, you're done for. I think about Hillary Clinton staying with Bill Clinton after he publicly had his dick sucked by a younger woman who he had control over.

I'm like, what? What are your conversations like after that? Like your husband is all over page six because he slept with an intern or got a blowjob from an intern. I'm like, and I don't blame Monica. Monica was a young girl, and the president of the United States was like, how about you do this?

But I'm like, Hillary, what? Why? Why would you? That's wild. How do you look at that man as he plays his little saxophone at you? Like, that is so wild. He does play saxophone, I think. Oh, no. Bill. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

And you're like, and that's the bigger red flag. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! That is the bigger red flag. Real quick, we have to take another break. -♪ Wait, Lala, after you started being on television, did men get in your DMs to be like, oh, I see you looking real good. Do you want to get together? Yes. But none that I, I was also in a relationship for most of my time on Vanderpump rules.

also in a relationship for most of my time on Vanderpump Rules. So like the ballsy ones would definitely slide in. But none that I would be, there actually, Nicole was one dude, one dude that slid into the DM. And I remember when everything blew up with my ex, I remember looking at him being like, I should have fucked that guy that night

then I left my ring at home. I turned around, I turned the car around. My conscience got to me. I should have done it. And that's my biggest regret is the one guy who, because yes, dudes slide into the DM, none that are worth venturing into, but this guy worth venturing into.

And after my relationship exploded, I actually DM'd him again. He was like, yo, you've been back and forth so much, like, I just can't, like, I'm good on you, dude. You're messy. Honestly, actually, I like him. Like, I wish him the best because I think most men would be like, oh, shit, let me, okay, all right, I wish him the best because... I think most men would be like, oh, shit, let me, okay, all right, I'm game. But I think that's him being intentional,

being like, I don't know if I want to be involved with this. But then maybe after shit, like, you know, it's been a while. Maybe, no, don't reach out again. I'm a thirsty bitch. I'd be like, after a couple years, reach out again and see where he's at. I'd be like, after a couple years, I'll reach out again and see where he's at. Ha ha ha ha!

I know, after he told me, like, you're messy, your life is chaotic, like, I'm good on you. It's like, well, maybe he won't think I'm as messy and chaotic three years and a donor, like, pregnant with my donor baby later. Ha ha ha! You're like, yeah, it's calmed down, dee hee hee. Ha ha ha! But can I tell you, I feel like the pregnant, like for me, going into it now, if I were a dude, I'm not, but maybe I could think like one for five minutes, a straight man.

I don't want to try to like lock you down by getting pregnant because I don't want any, right? I don't want baby daddies. I truly don't need you financially. I don't need you to catapult my career into, you know, like I'm happy, I'm content, anything that I want, I'll go out and get. The only thing that you can offer me is companionship. that you can offer me is companionship. Even an orgasm I can get from a vibrator, you know? Like, truly, I'm not asking for much.

As a dude, because they don't have much to give, I would think like, I've got to beg this bitch. I think, I think men in particular are wired to be providers and like they want to give you things. And I'm the same way. I'm like, anything I want, I can go get. I love my career. I love what I fucking do. And that is, I'm looking for companionship.

I'm looking for someone to take care of me in other ways. Like, I love when someone is like, oh, do you need more wine? I'll go get it. And I'm like, ooh, you notice that my cup was low, and then you got up and you got it. Like, just simple, the simplest things like that. Or if I say, I want these hoops. And then like a couple months later, you're like, I just I saw these hoops and I think these are what you were talking about, whether they're right or wrong.

I will wear them. And that is nice. Yeah, that's all that's all I want. Like just someone to consider me. I think that's what it is. I want to be considered. You know what? I love it. That's what it is. I've never thought of it like that. You're absolutely right. I want someone to consider me. Yeah. And that means more than buying me something expensive

or, um, I don't know what else men provide. Yeah, buying expensive things or taking me on a wild trip. I don't need that. I can go on trips myself. And it's, yeah, just the very, very simple things, like picking me up for a date is really nice. Or being like, oh, I heard you talk about this restaurant, so I made a reservation here.

That is all so nice. Listening. Right. Listening, right. See, as you start talking about it, reservation here. That is all so nice. Listen to me. Right. Listen. Right. See, as you start talking about it, you realize how low the bar really is. Yes. It's so low. It's truly in the ground. It is a hole in the ground. That is the bar.

We just need to fill it with fucking dirt. My God. But, like, people don't consider you. They, a lot of, they're the main characters in their story, I'm the main character in my story, and it feels like we're just two separate people, just, like, I don't know, crashing up against each other, not intertwining our lives.

That's what dating feels like now. Yeah, well, that's, I mean, dating, the concept of it is pretty foreign to me. Because, again, I feel like the only productive healthy relationship for me took place when I was like very young. And, but even for myself, like I moved into this house and I was looking at my closet and how much I love it and my mom, you know, was helping me move in

and she was like, if you meet somebody, you'll have plenty of room for them. And I looked at her like, their stuff isn't coming. No, no, their stuff isn't coming in here. She's like, not even a drawer? I'm like, not anything. Call, give me one second. So I'm also, like I also have these little things where I'm like, although it would be nice

if I went to someone's house that we had been dating and they were like, look, here's like a section for you to like put some stuff here. That would be so kind. That would mean something to me. Yet I'm not even willing to do that for somebody. But Lala, I think you gotta be willing. So I read this, I didn't finish it,

but it's called Calling in the One. And one of the things they said, they were like clear a shelf in your bathroom, clear the nightstand on the opposite side of where you sleep, and then clear out a drawer. And like that means you're like inviting someone into your home. So I did that, I like cleared out the nightstand

and I had a desk in my room that I never wrote at because I have like a little office set up. But I just like cleared that little space out and I was like, okay, so when someone comes into my life and they're spending a lot of time here, we can figure out like a drawer dresser situation or armoire and I'm leaving it empty to just invite somebody. And hopefully soon somebody will be there

and they'll wanna do that with me. I'm just trying to like be open and kind about it and being like, it's okay if it stays empty for a little bit. Also, just stop buying clothes. Just stop buying, I have so much fucking clothing everywhere and shoes, shoes that I never wear, but I'm like. I have so much fucking clothing everywhere. And shoes, shoes that I never wear,

but I'm like, they're so pretty to look at. Right. Right. It's like, why do I have these $1,500 shoes that I've never put my foot in one time? Lala, I went to, I think it's the Cabas. No, I don't know. It's an outlet near Palm Springs. Oh, girl. I frequent. I frequent.

I got these Versace heels. Yeah. They're so high. I can barely walk in them. But they are the loveliest shade of purple. And they were on sale and they were a good price. And I was like, them. I'll buy them. And they just sit in a box and every now and again, I look at them. I just look at them and I go,

one day I'll put you on my feet and learn how to walk. Like, it's so dumb. It's so dumb. But you're not alone. I do the same thing. I'll buy these dresses that I'm like, wear what? You're gonna wear that to Jersey Mike's? Like, what are you doing?

No. No. No. Well, you don gonna wear that to Jersey Mike's? Like, what are you doing? -♪ LAUGHTER CONTINUES... -♪ We don't go anywhere. It's the first thing you said. We're gonna wear this to Jersey Mike's? -♪ LAUGHTER CONTINUES... -♪ Wait, LaLa, how did you get involved in reality television? I don't even know how one does that. I literally used to...

So, Sir is the restaurant that Vanderpump Rules,ump Rules was based on at the very, very beginning. I was in there and I was mingling because I was a social butterfly when I would drink and I also knew a lot of the people who worked there. And Lisa Vanderpump just happened to be there one night and seeing how I was, you know, maneuvering. And I guess for her, it seemed like, okay, this girl is a little chaotic and also an organic fit.

And they reached out and said, are you looking for a job? We're looking for a hostess. And with that hostessing job came a, are you okay with us filming you? And now here I am. I never, I enjoyed reality TV, but never in a million years thought I would be on reality TV.

How wild. Like when things are meant to, I believe in like the universe gives you what you want or like what you need, but that is very funny that you're like, oh, I'll just hang out here. Ooh, I'll just have a nice time. And then they're like, hey, do you want to like what you need. But that is very funny that you're like, Oh, I'll just hang out here. Oh, I'll just have a nice time. And then they're like, Hey, do you want to be on television? And you're like, OK.

I remember talking to my acting coach being like, I don't really want to. I don't know that I should do this. I don't really want to like ruin my career. And she was like, honey, you don't have a career. You come to acting class. When's the last time you booked anything? I was like, well, I booked that Buick commercial. No talking, just running. She's like, go, do it. That's so funny to be like, what career? And you're like, ah, yes, okay.

The one I've created in my mind. You also model, right? You were a model at 12. You were also a model, right? You were a model at 12? I started modeling in Utah at 12. And again, I got, you know, I was very tall and just my physique was different than most at that age. And I think they thought I was gonna be like some 5'11", six foot, you know, model.

And I was very like gawky and lanky and awkward and freckles. And I think at that point in time, it was like, wow, we got it at the end that Ford models. I don't, I'm not familiar with the modeling world anymore, but at that point in time, when I was in the sixth grade, like Ford models was like, oh my gosh, if you're with them, you're like- Yeah, it was the big thing.

The big thing. So I had meetings with them and it was a world that I think had my mom been a stage mom. She would have pushed me harder into that direction. But we were just like a family from Utah and it was like, we're going to send our 12 year old daughter to like Milan. You know, these people were talking about like, you'll go to Milan and you'll go to New York Fashion Week. And I think we were all looking at each other like, we just want to like go up Milk Creek Canyon and barbecue that Saturday, you know?

BOWEN LAUGHS I mean, that is nice that you had a mother with the wherewithal to be like, actually, no, this is too much. I mean, it forces a kid to be very fucking independent. Do you think if Ocean was like, hey, Mom, I want to be a child actor, would you go yes?

Or would you go, no, you gotta wait till you're at least 17, 18? I would... I definitely wouldn't want to shut that out because I don't want her to feel like I don't hear her. But if you think I'm not showing up to every single thing that she's doing and my eyes are open and I know what goes on in this world, because it is, it's funky and it's scary. And I'm actually really grateful that my mom,

and I honestly think my mom was not a stage mom because it required work from her. I think she was like, I'm tired. I don't really want to... Like, it's enough taking y'all to school at 8 a.m. Yeah, no, I gotta drive you to this set and stuff. I remember I was working with this kid and I got a line wrong and I went, fuck,

and I went, oh my God, I'm so sorry. And then he went, that's okay, I've heard worse. And I said, oh, oh, okay. And I was like, what is that worse from like a mom, a dad, another actor? And then I was like, it took me a minute to be like, when you work with kids, you do have to be a different person.

You can't curse at them. They're a child. So it's like you kind of have to curate their experience a little bit. And it's like you kind of have to curate their experience a little bit. Um, and I think that's kind of wild to, like, put your kid out there and then, like... Because no one talks to the cast before a kid comes. Nobody's like, a kid is coming to set,

so let's really just remember there's a child on set. They're just there. And then they're gone, because they have to, like, go to school, and then they come back, and it's a real wild experience. Yeah, I would imagine that it's a wild experience. Again, I started acting in Utah, and I was the queen of never getting called back. So I wasn't on many sets.

And maybe that was the universe being like, you are impressionable. Because later on, I didn't have my first drink until I was 18, like when I graduated. And here I am, you know, X amount of years later, sober. So who knows if I would have like really been pushed into that direction of like child stardom, what route I would have taken.

I mean, I feel like it's very telling that a lot of child stars don't do well as they grow up. No. Yeah. They don't all turn out like Hilary Duff, you know? Oh God, Hilary Duff, what a treat. I love Hilary Duff. How could you not? She's great, She's so great.

Lizzie McGuire, you know, she's great. She was a great show. She did it. She's doing good. Lala, we have come to the end. This was delightful. Thank you so much for doing this. But do you have any advice for single people out there, people who are mingling and looking, single and ready to mingle?

Oh, gosh. Well, first of all, if anyone who was single, ready to mingle took advice from me and be like, that's a problem, because I'm also trying to figure out the dating world. So we're in it together. I will say that as people, especially women, I don't think we trust our gut enough. And we kind of let things go and we shut them down maybe because the dude's really good looking or he's nice at times, but there's this pit in my stomach.

I would say when you're out dating, don't ignore, don't push away the red flags. Listen to your gut. Call it a day. There's seven billion people on the planet. You don't need him. You don't need her. If she's not bringing you the important things, like, let's all just move on to one of the other seven billion people. I think that's good advice.

I also, I got to a point recently where I was like, I'm okay being single. I have wanted a relationship for so long, but like, I think I am making myself happy right now. And like, that is priceless. Oh my God, how corny. Lala, here's another question. I asked all of my guests this,

I've only missed it a couple times, would you date me? I would hella date you. I'd date the shit out of you, girl. Thank you. I would date you too. I think you're very fun. You made me laugh so hard. This, okay, this is the dumbest thing,

but on set, and I like DM'd you, but on set someone was like, oh no, TK can hear us. And I was like, who's TK? And you're like, I don't know, who's TK? And then three days later, I was taking a shower and I was like, TK is Travis Kelce, the host of this show. And I couldn't- Right over my head. Oh, he hosts this random person, TK,

that they're talking about. Yeah, we're like, TK, who's TK? And- Had you not slid into my DM to tell me, I forever would be wondering who TK is. Who's TK? Who's TK? And... Had you not slid into my DM to tell me, I forever would be wondering who TK is. Who's TK? Are they on set with us? Is this a new makeup person? And why is he listening to us so closely?

What? Okay, Lala, thank you so much for being here. This was really a delight, a dream, if you will. Um, I didn't get to all my questions because we were just talking and it was so nice. I'm sorry, I'm such a chatterbox. No, that's perfect. I love a chatterbox. Sometimes I have to pull things out of people. Anyway, we won't get into that.

If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, you can rate it, you can subscribe, you can give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tudatemepodcasts.gmail.com, I will read this. And this is a question that I've been getting You could rate it, you could subscribe, you could give me five stars on Apple Podcasts, and if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tudatemepodcasts.gmail.com, I will read this. And this says, sorry about this. And then I think Mars put a note

that says actually quite nasty. Okay, dear Nicole, let's make a joint dating profile so we could find a sweet daddy to pay for a romantic getaway for us. We'll succeed, obviously, and binge the Great British Baking Show on our flight. Horned up from all the warm biscuits, we take some inspiration back to our hotel.

We keep all the man we milk. Ew. We keep all the man we milk in a mason jar next to the bed. And at the end of our vacation, we bake our own biscuits. Ew, and drizzle them in the cream. We feed each other in the hot tub. Then a second time, while fecally experimenting in the bedroom. Ew. Later second time, while fecally experimenting in the bedroom, ew!

Later, while exploring the local drag scene on our last night, I start to uncontrollably discharge. This is sick. My underwear is soaked in a matter of minutes, so you take me to the bathroom, and we use the new substance as we dip, as a dip from the biscuits you kept stuffed in your bra. Still leaking and now out of biscuits.

Ew, we stick a tampon up my ween? Ew, that doesn't help. So after generously tipping the queens, we rushed to an urgent care. Sadly, the doctors tell us our unorthodox introduction into scat introduced a deadly infection in my system. I have hours to live. I pull you close and tell you my dying wish

to eat your biscuits one last time. With a tear in your eye, you collect samples, ew, from all the male doctors. Take me back to the hotel. Using the donations, you make one final biscuit a la cream. With the sun rising, you carry me back to our hot tub and help me die peacefully with the thing I love most, devouring that ass.

You, ha ha, you sing at my service, you and daddy go on to start a nonprofit in my name. And just like Eliza Hamilton, you tell my story. That was unhinged. Ha ha ha ha ha. For a moment I was thinking, I think I may have overshared on this podcast and that just like blew.

Nope. Nope. Ha ha ha ha ha and that just like blew. Nope. Nope. I'm like a delicate rose. Damn. You are a delicate rose. What an imagination. Truly.

That was nasty and I liked it. Thank you, Ben. Okay. Goodbye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Leow, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco, with talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Battista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole?

Write it to whywon'tyoudatemepodcasts at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d