Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Bad Threesomes (w/ Matteo Lane)

Episode Date: February 2, 2018

Nicole's good friend Matteo Lane (Guy Code, @midnight, Ladylike) is on the podcast to rate Nicole's Tinder, talk about their experiences with threesomes, and discuss the horrors of sucking a dirty dick.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at:https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedyAnd finally, check out Loosely Exactly Nicole on Facebook:https://www.facebook.com/looselyexactlynicole/

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! I'm Nicole Byer and welcome to my podcast. It's called Why Won't You Date Me? I'm just trying to figure out why I'm single even though I'm fucking fabulous and I love giving blowjobs and other stuff.

My guest today is the very lovely, very funny, dear fucking friend of mine, Mateo Leigh! It's literally that all the time when we're with each other. It's not any different. No, it truly isn't. I'm 100% sure my new neighbors hate me. Oh, 100.

I spend so much time screaming and splashing. Yes. It's a very good time. Mateo, how are you today? I'm fine. I'm like, I don't know. I'm in LA. I have found zero trade in the past two weeks.

Explain trade to the straight people. Trade means like a hookup. And I haven't found any hookups. And I've been struggling with this one guy. But then this couple's coming in this weekend that I know and he lives in they both live in Texas and then we're probably gonna have a threesome but I'm not

into a threesome. Last time I had a threesome it was awkward. I wasn't into either one of them and then they showed up at one of my comedy shows. Yes, girl! No! Yes! So you had a fucking threesome and then you look out into the audience and you're like, that's them! Well, I a fucking threesome, and then you look out into the audience, and you're like, that's them.

Well, I had a threesome with them in Aspen. Okay. It was gay ski week. Yes, of course, as you do. You have a threesome at gay ski week. You have to. You have to. What else are you doing?

We caused an avalanche, killed thousands, but it was worth it. The children died so you could get your dick wet. Oh, that's just really wonderful. I've also had a couple of threesomes in my day. Liza, did you? Well, I was a senior of 54. Yes. And I don't want to say it was a threesome.

Then how many people was it, Liza? Well, minimum 17. Well, Liza, that's an orgy. Well, itiza, that's an orgy. Well, it sounded like a lot of fun to me. I said, do you want what sounded like a Japanese food? Oh, a... And I love sushi. A bukkake?

Well, that was it, and I've fallen for it more than once. Liza, you gotta watch out for the bukkakes. I was a wet nurse. Ew. But this threesome, whatever, it was in Aspen, and then I went, and then, you know, come back to New York, and then all of a sudden they're just, like, at my comedy show, and I put

it out in front of the whole audience. I was like, well, this is awkward. I had a threesome with those two, and I don't know why they're here. Did they, like, clap? Were they like, yes? They were wildly uncomfortable. Of course! Yeah. But also, why did they come to your show? What is the logic? Because they wanted more! And I was like,

get out of here! I don't want you here! Wait, did they try to fuck you again? Yeah, they were trying to, and I ran out. That is so awkward. I know, I wasn't into either one of them. It's like awkward when you go, so like, I perform at UC... Have you had a threesome?

Yes, I've had a threesome. Are you kidding? Yeah. I've seen you give head. I don't know why. I've hooked up with like so many improvisers that I've like been at UCB have been like, there's more people in this room that I've like hooked up with and not. This is very awkward.

Being gay in comedy. There's like no one to hook up with. There's like five of us. Being a very specific type in comedy. it's hard to hook up with people because i feel like or i don't feel like this is a true fact men in comedy have chuckle fuckers they have girls who will just fuck them i know men who literally perform and dress like a toilet yes the fact that they have any kind of confidence to express themselves, women are like, oh!

Like, male comics are piles of trash with flannel on, and women are like, please put the trash in me! But then when I get on stage, gays are like, we hear this at brunch. Where's Kathy Griffin? We hear this at brunch. We don't give a shit. So, Mateo, are you, you are not, I know this,

because you stayed at my house and we're very good friends. Yeah, you could say that. You are not dating anyone right now. You are single. Yes. And you are looking at? Yeah, always looking. So do you, I don't know if we've ever, like,

talked about this. Do you want a relationship? I think that I say out loud that I do because that will make me sound human. And every time I try to get into one, I panic and I want out. Okay. Why do you think that is? I don't know. I always say I'm looking for a handsome man that hates me.

I think that's the ideal relationship. Why do you want someone who hates you? I don't. I'm just a sadomasochist. Okay. I'm just insecure and I go for the wrong guys. Can we get into your insecurities? Of course we can.

So I do think you're insecure. I don't think you really. I think you know that you've got a body yaddy yaddy. I know how insecure I am. I don't think you believe you have a body yaddy yaddy. No, I don't. It's so wild to me because you've worked so hard for this body. Oh, thank you

guys if you're listening mateo lane on instagram lots of booty pictures well they've seen me on your instagram all our but if you yeah if you don't follow either of us on instagram get up on there you got my big body in a bikini you got mateo lane's big old butt juicy juicy little butt um but i feel like you worked so hard for this body. You enjoy having the body. But then for some reason you don't feel like this body is what it is. Yeah. Listen, here's what it is.

We used to be really Catholic. And now what Kathy Griffin calls a fallen Catholic. But that guilt had to go somewhere. So the guilt went to the gym. So now, like, if I don't go to the gym, it's like not going to church. I still think I'm going to hell. So I'm pretty body dysmorphic, as most gay men are.

Because when I met you, you were a little string bean. Oh, literally, yeah. You were very, very thin and long legs and just thin. You didn't have a juicy booty. You didn't have calves. The calves came and I said hello. I still need to get calves. You have a nice calf.

You have a great body. They're fine. See, this is what I'm talking about. You have a great body. Thank you. You're welcome. I don't know. But then also I think it's like a thing in the gay community where bodies are worshipped.

A certain body type is like what everyone's aspiring to be. Even with the bears. Yes, there's a certain bear body type. It's like, oh, he's not fat enough. He's not bare enough. He's not hairy enough. He's not bearded enough. He's not.

And then you get to, you know, muscle queens and it's like bigger, more. And, you know, I do. I mean, obviously, men are very visual. That's apparent when you look at gays together. So, yeah, I don't know. I mean, I'm just at first I was like, I just want to work out and see results and then fit into clothes better. And now that I do, I'm still I'm like, oh, so that hasn't helped the insecurity yet. It is a weird thing that it's like, you got to work on your mind first.

Well, I'm in therapy and it's just, you know. It's helpful. I seek a lot of approval and I want to be liked. Well, I think that's. Which causes lots of problems. It does cause a lot of problems. But that's like almost the whole basis of being a comedian. You don't get on stage to have people not like you i know but some comedians you know

they get they don't give a shit yeah but that's a different thing right you get on stage trying to elicit a response correct and if you are oh boo fuck you you can't say that that's a response and they like you they haven't walked away they're still interacting with you so that's and i got those responses when i was booed at an hiv event for making fun of britney spears what a life 200 gay men booing me and i let them have it oh yes oh yes what happened um I was doing this show at a place called Manhole, so that was already

the first problem. It was in Chicago. It's called Hydrate, but they will call it Manhole. Anyways, the bathroom sign says no meth. So the show,

the show was... But they're like, but I call it Tina. Oh, they didn't say no Tina. No Tina. So I was snoring. So the show was, as most gay shows are, terribly run, terribly organized. Barely a shred of talent.

So, the only person that was talented was the host named Dixie Cartwright or something. I forget her name. She's a really funny drag queen in Chicago. Anyways, the show was supposed to be AIDS, HIV fundraiser, and for some reason, they were using crochet jockstrap on porn stars, and they had mothers sewing these jockstraps, but they weren't even affiliated with HIV.

Not like they lost anyone to HIV, they're just there sewing jockstraps. They were just mothers who were like, I am lonely. Right, and then so, now we've got 200 gay men, everyone's drunk, and they open the show with sex.

They bring out each porn star. Each porn star does like three minutes of their own sex whatever. Twerking, stripping. There's a pole. I mean, it is sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. And then after this, like 20 minutes, right? They have an intermission. Like it's the goddamn fucking opera.

They have an intermission. and literally the host comes back out and goes all right everyone's still talking i was still getting drinks all right everyone now for your comedy mateo lane so now i have to walk up to a room full of drunk horny men and i am neither a stripper and i am neither a drag queen so they don't give a shit so this this is a basic man this is what's standing next to me why is he on the stage and so i walk up and I'm neither a drag queen so they don't give a shit. They're like this is a basic man. This is what's standing next to me. Why is he on the stage? And so I walk up and I'm like hey everyone how's it going? I'll talk. Like the talking

over me to the point where it was literally like like a New York brunch and I was like a mouse trying to squeak to the other end of the room. Like it just was not being heard and so I'm up there literally struggling and to the point where i'm talking to myself saying like i can't believe this is happening to me i can't believe

i'm here right now in my hometown with my own people and this is happening to me i said is anyone gonna pay attention so i said that right one gate turns around yells at the stage, well, pay attention if you put on a jockstrap. I lost it. And I said, oh, I get it. You people, which it's never good to refer to your own people as you people. But I stand by it. I said, you people won't pay attention to your own kind, but you'll dedicate your lives to that weekend at Bernie's in Vegas known as Britney Spears.

And then 200 heads turn around. Now they're paying attention, and they all start to yell at me. And they're like, why the fuck do you know? She's more talented than you. We don't even know who you are. I was like, I know you don't know who I am, but I don't give a shit. Neither does Britney. She's been doing Taibo now for a year.

And stop pretending she's good. And Mariah's not good. And Christina's a cunt. And then when I called Christina a cunt, one gay almost stormed the stage. He was like, ah! And, like, the gays were holding back. And then they start booing, right? And they're all screaming at me.

And I was like, oh, I get it. I'm sure you're all masked tops. But I've been watching you mince and prance around here for the past 20 goddamn minutes. Go fuck yourself. I was screaming at them. I was supposed to do 15 minutes. I did six. And it was, I mean, the sound of the boos and the yelling and the screaming.

And then I walk off stage. I go backstage. There are seven porn stars looking at me like I made the wrong choice in life. We made you porn, but that was bad. And then I got one tweet from someone saying we thought you were really funny. What did you think was funny? You didn't think anything was funny. Honestly,

what a dream. I wish I was there for that. I couldn't, I can't even imagine just 200 gays being like, Brittany, no! It was wild. I was like, oh, this is it. So, you know, not necessarily going so quick.

You're doing really well with the gays. I'm killing it with the gays. So you're on apps. You're on Grindr primarily. Just Grindr. You're not on Tinder. Which is now I am on Tinder but I barely use Tinder. It's just too much work. Grindr is much quicker but now Grindr's become like the new Candy Crush.

I'm not even on there to talk to people. It's just like it's like something you do out of boredom. Fair. So do you know anyone who's met a partner off of Grindr? Yeah, plenty of people. Huh.

I know. My friend Max met his boyfriend Andres on Grindr, and they're moving in together and in love. I just don't know how you can fall in love, because I went to my friend Charlotte's wedding, and her priest was giving that love because it's like, you know, like I went to my friend Charlotte's wedding and her priest, you know, it was like giving that story. He's like, she grew up in London and he studied abroad and they must have passed each other every day and just missed each other. And then they both moved to New York, found each other in a library and fell in love. And that's why we're here today. It's like this bitch found this bitch on Grindr. Oh, my priest is gonna be like, it was 4 a.m. and they were both horny as fuck.

They exchanged a dick pic and that's why we're here today. I mean, yeah. Dating apps are, it's like the new norm and people aren't even embarrassed to be like, oh, we met on Tinder. I know. Now a bar is so ancient. If someone told me they met someone on the street, I would lose my mind. Whenever someone is like, oh, I met them in person, I'm like, how? Right.

What do you mean? What did you do? What is the sorcery? Well, you met someone in person and then destroyed their house. I did. I did. So it's not that these opportunities don't happen. You're correct.

We just destroy these. I guess if I went out more, I would meet people. I think you and I are very similar in the fact that I'm going to guess this about you and I want you to really think about it. Okay. Do you think that you also maybe subconsciously sabotage relationships because you're more focused on your career? No.

No. I don't. She's crossing her legs, fingers, and toes. I know that I don't go out a lot anymore because I'm like, well, I don't want to be tired for this job. Right. Or I'm exhausted from this job. Right. And I just want to chill out.

That was me all week. It's tough. It's tough to work and have a so like that like antiquated thing that's like

can she have it all at this point in time I'm like no no I cannot I don't think anyone's meant to have it all I don't know what having it all means

well I think for a woman it's like marriage a kid a career a social life it's too much it is too much that was the thing

in the 70s that like that was like the wrong ideal of a feminist, a social life. It's too much pressure. It is too much. That was the thing in the 70s that was like the wrong ideal of a feminist that a woman has to have it all. She can work and take care of kids and have a family and do this and do that. And it's like, okay, now that she has it all, she still has to do more work. Like, it's too much.

Not that she can't, but I don't know. No, yeah, but I think having it all for me means I have my work, but then I also have a partner to come home to. And then I keep saying, I'm like, I don't want a comic. I don't want someone in the industry. But then it's like, oh, but it makes it easier. Yeah, and it's like, I don't want someone to like...

What do you want, with a bagel boy like Cher? You know, he's really normal. He's so different than Sonny. Oh, God damn it, Sonny, you left me with Chaz. I I don't take a bagel boy. No, I

actually think that I, my therapist, we were talking about this, and he was like how do you see your future? And I was mentioning things that like, oh, I'll be in Italy and I'll be painting, I'll be this or that. And he's like, why do you see your future? And I was mentioning things that, like, oh, I'll be in Italy and I'll be painting. I'll be this or that. And he's like, why do you never imagine yourself with somebody? And I don't.

I don't see myself with somebody. Same. It's weird. Because as much as I want to be in a relationship and I want, like, a boyfriend or whatever, I, 10 years from now, I cannot imagine a man in my space. Right. A man who sleeps in my bed every fucking night. Yeah.

He doesn't go nowhere. And then just always having him. But then I guess if he was there and we were hanging out, then I could see a future. But I'm coming up on a year of no sex. Really? It's been that long? It's see a future. But, like, I'm coming up on a year of no sex. Really? It's been that long? It's been a year.

And it's because I was, like, on and off with this dude for, like, three years. Oh, yes. I knew I would get sex, like, semi on the reg and then, like, hook up with other people. Here's how regular it was. Because he lived across the street from Nicole. He lived across the street. One time I was outside of Nicole's house, and I was like, oh, hey, Nicole.

She walked out. She was smoking a cigarette, and quickly put on a wig and a face. And she doesn't even finish the cigarette, and she was like, I'll be right back. And it was almost as if you just disappeared into the night. And I was like, okay. And then I went inside,

and maybe it was like 40 minutes of watching tv and you walk back in you're like all right how's your night i was like wait you're done already you're like yeah i'm done face wasn't ruined wig wasn't ruined well i had got it in you get it in and then you fucking leave uh it was like a nice it was like a service it was like going to jiffy lube but why are you and i so similar in a lot of ways i don't i don't know why we're similar i know we're friends because we're similar yeah but in the sense of like dating don't you think that we're very like yeah i do think we like keep people in reserves and you're like you'll be good for like when you're good to me right and then it then it's like, well, I don't know, I don't know how I could possibly have a relationship.

I, so then I was like hooking up with a lot of dudes off of Tinder and then had like a semi-regular hookup for like, I guess it was like four or five times or whatever. And then he was like this hot Australian man.

Aye. The first time I sucked his dick, I was like, oh, your dick's dirty. Because I think he was like out all day and then like came to my house yeah I was wrestling crocodiles with Bendy Irwin and then he brought that crocodile dick to me

and I remember putting it in my mouth and being like this dick tastes like poison sometimes it's nice to suck a sweaty dick oh it was so gross that'll be on my tombstone I had to suck the sweat off his dick until I was like, this is just skin now.

I just mistakenly spoke that into the universe because that will haunt me for the rest of my life. What did you just say? That sometimes it's nice to suck a sweaty dick. Yeah, the Lord's gonna deliver you so many sweaty dicks and you'll be like, I'm done with the salt! It is kind of salty. It is salty. It's like having... Like a margarita

with the salt rimmed around it. Yeah, like a fucking hot dog dipped in salt. And you're like, what the fuck? Oh, man. Can I just say I don't like Bindi Irwin, and I hate kid actors. I don't know why you're going after Bindi so hard. I hate her, and I hate kid actors. That Young Sheldon or whatever.

I've never... What did Young Sheldon do to you? He's on posters everywhere acting like a pompous piece of shit. Have you watched the show? I'll never watch the show. Please do Chuck Lorre a favor and watch his show. Oh, please. He needs your little eyes to watch his show.

Listen, I was a child actor. Liza, please watch Young Sheldon. The first movie I was in was In Meet Me in St. Louis. Was she in Meet Me in St. Louis? No, but that's where her parents met. Yes. She wasn't in Meet Me in St. Louis. No, but I was- What was her first movie I was in was Meet Me in St. Louis. Was she in Meet Me in St. Louis? No, but that's where her parents met. Yes. She wasn't in Meet Me in St. Louis. No, but I was...

What was her first movie? She was a baby in a movie called Down the... Some movie with her mother. And she played... She was like one years old. I feel like Cabaret was the pinnacle of Liza's career. But had the same shit haircut since. But then like she never came back from it.

She did. What else? Well, she did Arthur. And then she had New York, New York. And so it was really up until, like, the late 80s where she, like, really collapsed. And then, like, the early 90s, she was like, I'm back. And she did a movie called Stepping Out and it was terrible. And then she got brain encephalitis.

What? And was, like like in the hospital. She has brain snuffle-uff-agus? The character on The Wizard of Oz. What's brain snuffle-uff-agus? It's like a, I don't know, almost like a stroke maybe. Oh, is that why she speaks that way?

Well, she always had kind of a... Yeah, she never really opened her mouth. But now she sounds like beep jerky. I'm sorry to keep derailing. Okay, so, yes. We've talked about nothing. I know. I felt like, was I supposed to come in with stories?

No, it's fine. I had a structure, but then I was like, I feel like this structure is too rigid. I want to be loose. Well, people like conversation anyways. They do, I think. No one wants to be loose. Well, people like conversation anyways. They do. No one wants to feel like a podcast is programmed for them. Otherwise, they could watch TV. Hey, that's good.

So, what is the longest relationship you've had? A year and a half. How long ago? When I was 22. Oh. I'm 31. I know how old you are. I didn't know if you wanted the world to know. Oh, they can, I don't give a shit.

I guess it doesn't matter for men. No. For women, yeah. I'm 12. I'm young Sheldon. I'm 13. Yeah, it was a probably a bad, it was a bad relationship, but now he's married to a man in his early hundreds.

Oh, really? We barely had sex, so I can't imagine how bad their sex is. Where did you meet him? Met him at a bar called Cocktail at the time, which is now Progress. In Chicago or New York? In Chicago. We kept staring at each other. And, yeah, it was like right after I was living in Italy and I came back and it was fall. And I saw, we saw each other.

And I didn't know if he was with his friend, but I didn't know if they were together. And so I had my friend ask them and they weren't. And then I went up and we started talking and then making out. And he was working in politics at the time, so he would travel a lot. And so he was traveling the next week. So he's a gay politician? Yes. Is he still a politician?

No, he wasn't a politician. He worked in politics. Isn't that what a politician is? No, like he's not like a congressman or a senator or anything. I guess if you work in airplanes, you're not a pilot. I think he was like one of like the, what are those altar boys for senators called? Assistants? A congress boy or something?

I don't know. A congress boy. Something. I have no idea. But he was one of those. A staffer. Yeah, maybe like he was a staffer. Like a staffer or something i don't know a congress boy something i have no idea but he was one of those for like a republic yeah maybe like he was a staffer or something but um yeah we dated for like a year and a half it was pretty wild yeah were you like you didn't live together right no but i was there a lot i was at his his apartment a lot. Ironically, not ironically, strangely, his best friends are now my best friends. Oh, really?

And he lives in another state. That's so interesting in relationships when you absorb the other person's friends. Yeah. Well, I was more fun. He was a wet blanket. You are fun. Yeah. A wet blanket is such an awful term for a person because have you ever had a wet blanket on you?

It's awful. That's what he was. Ugh. I mean, we had some redeeming qualities. Did he have a good dick? It was fine. Yeah, it was good. Who bottomed, who topped?

We flip-flopped. Oh, some real verses. Real verses, yeah. I think I started bottoming and then we eventually went both. I started bottoming and then we eventually went both but it just was like a tempestuous relationship and I was insecure and I allowed him to insert his needs and wants in me um physically and emotionally um but yeah I mean I'm not I'm the one thing that my my problem with men is I'm very weak with men I'm very submissive and I'm very insecure and I want them to like me I'm very weak with men. I'm very submissive, and I'm very insecure, and I want them to like me. I'm not witty, funny, smart.

I'm not like, even this conversation we're having now, I'm not this with men. I'm constantly walking eggshells on treacherous territory because I want to make sure that they like me. Fair. Which I'm not saying is good. I'm saying that's just where it stems from. Even this Dominican guy I've been talking to forever

We were talking yesterday and he like Was trying to joke with me but he doesn't know how to joke So he was looking at my Instagram stories And instead of saying like I was making fun of a lot of TV And instead of saying He said to me you watch too much TV And then I was like well that was mean He's like oh everything I say is mean

He's like you know Bob you don't know how to joke and this and that And I was like I kind of know how to joke. Joking is my literal job. Right. Which I wanted to say. Have you seen Joking Off? Seasons one, two, and three. MTV.

With DeRay Davis. DeRay Davis always has no less than two beautiful instagram models with him i just i want to be about that life i want like some you know huge deep dick and dudes walking on either side of me i think i want the opposite of d ray's life you don't want any instagram hoes with you no i should call them instagram hoes i think they might be in like loving loving committed throuple. Okay. Sure. We get it. Covering your tracks, Nicole.

D-Ray, if you're listening, I respect your relationship. And I'm sure he is. I'm definitely his demographic. Have you met D-Ray? Yeah. Those beautiful eyes. I know. He does have green eyes. A black man with green eyes cannot be trusted. Or.

Just look too good. Yeah. Lisa Trager has a joke. She's like, if you see a unicorn, you gotta fuck it. I love it. Yeah. I mean, I would fuck him. D-Ray, if you're listening.

I bet you he's got a good one. Oh, I'm sure his dick is huge. I mean, if he's got that many women walking around, it's either the biggest thing you've ever seen or it's not existent. Or he just eats you out for days. I can't see D-Ray eating anybody out for days. I think he gives you a good deep dick until you're dead. I don't know.

I'm so tired right now, I can't even think about sex. D-Ray Davis. You can't even think about sex? I wake up so horny. I was horny the other day hotels make me very horny but now I've been in this hotel for oh my god I left $20 tip today

because I forgot tip for the past three days for the hotel lady and I don't know what I was thinking but I started to panic when I left I had no change it's a different person every day I know so I panicked I left $20 you did too

much well i better come back and there better be a goddamn porcelain horse or something in there for me i mean she better that woman opened that door and was like oh i left today do you remember when we shared yes i thought about that this morning. And I tipped him, what did I tip him? Like $60? $60. We got three whiskeys, french fries, and I think ice cream.

Ice cream. That's actually exactly what we got. And I think it was only like $45. It was like $45 or $50. It was something stupid.

No, it was like less. Yeah, because we were in like a Houston university. Yeah. And so this guy named Enrico, what was his name?

I don't know, something like that. He came in and you just threw $60 at him. He's like, Miss, I cannot take this. Take it. You were literally drinking. You're like, take it. My favorite thing to do is tip people too much and then argue with them about them taking it. I was at Magpies with you and this girl made my ice cream and then she gave me my change

and it was like $5 and I was like, keep it. And then she started to put it in the little jar and I was like, this is for you. Don't you share this with anybody. Nicole was a mad woman from saying Magpies to getting in the car to get in there to ordering it to paint tip to eating it to going back yeah ice cream makes me wild i fucking love ice cream you were trying to prove to that it's the best ice cream and i was like oh i believe you and you're like no i'll show you it's the best ice cream i needed you to agree with me that it's the best. I know my ice cream, okay? Now, back to fucking dating.

Oh. So. I've been single ever since. And I've been single for years. I've been single for so fucking long. So do you like it when a dude messages you first, or do you like to message first? I definitely like guys to be more assertive.

Mm-hmm. But then I don't know. I'm just, I really am. When you start to peel away those layers, I'm a mess. Yeah. I'm starting to figure out. I've, like, touched upon it in other ones. But I have a problem with intimacy. I do it, too.

It's, like, bad. Emotional intimacy. Physical, too. I don't like to, like, snuggle or cuddle or spoon people. Yeah. Because that feels way more intimate than sex. It's like I'm allowing you to touch me with no end goal. Like you're just going to have your little fingies on me.

Do you think that that's something that you and I also share in common? That everything in life has to have like an end goal? Like I'm a bit of an extremist. I've never been known to like hook up and just like make out for a little bit for some reason i have to go to like i'm fucking pregnant well that's like john john gets so mad at me when i'm like did you fuck did you what'd you do and he's like nicole nobody wants to hear all the business also it's none of your like i do what i do and i don't have to have, you know, penetration or whatever to, like, enjoy myself. And I'm like, but that's the end.

That's what you do. I'm literally, like, when the bedroom door shuts, I don't know what it is, but it gets dark, and you see, like, two red eyes in the dark. Yes. It's like Chupacabra, like. Oh, I got to get that dick in my mouth and put it in my hole. I got to fucking sit on it. But we're extreme people. Yes, I got called an extremist in fourth grade.

I wrote, Ms. Gizzy, I won't forget it, she was a bitch. She also accused me of cheating on my math test. Did you? No. I just have a, so I got diagnosed with ADHD this year.

And I can't read, if I don't take my medicine, I literally can't read a restaurant menu it's just too much it's it's overwhelming and I hate it so in fourth grade numbers were a lot for me like it just overwhelmed me and numbers would like swirl around the page I couldn't concentrate on it so what I would do is I would like look at the two numbers if it was like multiplication or addition look at the numbers and use common sense to guesstimate what the answer would be and then work backwards so like sometimes it would take me like one try sometimes it'd take me two three four tries crazy how kids start to work their own ways to figure things out but then it's also

crazier when an adult goes the way you think is wrong right the way you problem stop is wrong what you're doing here is wrong right even. The way you problem solve is wrong. What you're doing here is wrong. Right. Even though I was getting the correct answer, this woman told me I was wrong. Right. Miss Gizzy. Miss Gizzy.

I fucking hate her. And she's still a Ms. No, she's not. She got married. She's Mrs. Rosato, but I hope she got divorced. I hope she married an Italian. Yeah, and we had to all go to her wedding and shit. Ew. I thought we were happy about it.

I don't fucking know. Because she was like, you know what would be good at my wedding? Fourth graders. 20 of them. Bring them on. Also, I'm using her real name. What a needy woman. Whatever.

She had curly hair and she looked like Fran Dresser from The Nanny. She Italian? Yeah, she was Italian. I thought she was the most beautiful woman in the world until she was like, because when I was little, I loved beautiful women. Loved. And I was like a suave women loved and I was like a suave little girl I'd be like oh baby you look

good and she I was so excited that she was my teacher because I was like I get to look at her all day long I've been like a little horny child my whole life you came out of your mother and looked at her and said was that good for you was that good for you because I slid right out of your loose puss

God rest your soul mom making pussy jokes about my dead mom so then she accused me of cheating she had a conference with my mom and then they had another conference cause they were like Nicole writes too big and I was like what?

you are now just nitpicking me. And then I was like, you want me to write smaller? I'll write smaller. So I wrote so small that she couldn't see it. And then she was like, Nicole, you know what? You are an extremist. And I was like, bitch, suck my clit. I hate you.

You are like, nothing I do pleases you. But I will say the one thing she did teach me how to do is balance a checkbook. What? I know. In fourth grade, we would get money like fake money she called it friendly fuzzy money it was these like weird little creatures that she drew and you would get like money for like turning in something on time or like cleaning up your desk or like putting the mats away for sharing time and once you had enough money in your friendly fuzzy account you could like buy a pencil or like buy something but then you had to show her the work of you balancing your checkbook

it's the only thing she taught me that people don't have to balance checkbooks anymore right because we have like digital everything you should still have like a budget and like understand how much money is leaving your account each month oh i don't well you don't have to poor people do i definitely do people i'm doing joking off i'm not this that you're not poor we'll see you're not poor because you're you're your overhead is nothing you don't have a family right here's how people get poor you can make twenty thousand dollars a year and live pretty well well thank you you could live pretty well like i made like 20 grand a year and when i was living in new york and i lived great my rent was five hundred dollars a month mine's well no your rent's more than that where were you living for 500 a month bitch i was living on 125th and broadway

and you better believe that my floor was slanted and you better believe that people got so my floor was like caving in on itself but then like the molding and the ceiling was straight so sometimes people would get like sick in my house because they'd be like I feel slanted but everything's

straight my first apartment was a 6th floor walk up with a bathtub in the kitchen that I had to use. I had to wash my ass and forks in the same place. And I really lived like a Polish immigrant from 1940. And that was what it was. I loved it. I thought it was a great apartment.

And that was in the Lower East Side, right? That was before you moved in with Mike? Greenwich Village was on Bleecker and Sullivan. That's such a good location. Yep. Yep. How much was that apartment? I was rent control.

Ugh. But it was so, that location, which was almost a one and a half bedroom, even though it was kind of falling apart, was $1,600 a month. That is great. Yeah. Okay, we gotta take a break right now, and we'll be right back with more juicy, juicy, juicy shit. All right, back with more juicy, juicy, juicy shit.

Okay, so I want you to look at my Tinder profile and tell me. I have everybody look at it. And mostly I have the same responses from my comedy friends. That they're like, it's good. Your comedians are a really bad judge of everything sometimes. I mean, comedians are awful. No, we're awful, but we're also the best. Okay.

It says I'm 28. I know I'm not 28. I just can't like change it on Facebook. I don't know how. Also, if you're listening at home and you want to see a visual of what my profile on Tinder and Bumble looks like, you can go to Facebook.com and you can go to my fan page Nicole Byer Comedy and you can click on the album

that says Tinder slash Bumble and you can see them there! So I'll go through this. The first picture is of Nicole. Really pretty. Your face looks great. Your wig looks beautiful. You have a fun shirt. You're holding a giant, not even black. It is a purple dildo.

It's like a star dildo. It's like deep space color with stars on it. So you have a Star Wars themed dildo. There's no stars on it. It looks like one of those nail art where they make it look like stars. Oh, like glitter. Yeah. And it like glitter. Yeah. And it is giant.

And I don't, it, okay. I got a fat ass. So if you into it, hand emoji, waving, waving. And then the girl being like, I don't know. I like people with a sense of humor because life's too fucking long not to laugh. Hmm. What? I normally people say too short, But I guess things do feel long

Life is long are you kidding me? There are 24 hours In one day That is so many hours Down to DTF Down to figure skate or fuck Or farm or fly a kite

Whichever is easier Have you ever read before? The thing is like... Down to fuck or farm or... I guess the way I write is insane. I'm like Temple Grandin. I like to pay for the sense of humor. I also, I don't write.

I write the way I speak. Well, it's also you're writing things that are slightly off what people are normally saying. So you're not saying it's like... Also, like, I'm DTF, right? Down to figure skate or fuck. I've never read that in my life. So my brain is trying to get a sense

of what I'm seeing. And you didn't stop at figure skate or fuck. You put fuck... Then after fuck was farm or fly a kite. Whichever's easiest. And after fuck was farm or fly a kite. Whichever's easiest. So this is automatically we have the most.

Yes. The picture, the words, the everything. You're inviting a strange person. Okay. I know you may be trying to warn them. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. But also in doing so, you are bringing in a group of people

that might not be good for you. Okay, the second picture is great. It shows you have a great butt. Thank you. It's your profile. It's you at a Christmas tree. Uh-huh. You have silver shoes on, so you match the tree. Uh-huh. Silver little Rocketman shoes. They're my Elton John shoes. The third

one is you in a trailer and you look very beautiful you've got your curly wig this is the most normal photo this is the photo now you're in a cat suit trying to climb an empty shelf sure yeah

in a green room where were you? shooting this show called are you the one the after match it shows your body Green Room. Uh-huh. Where were you? Shooting this show called Are You the One, the Aftermatch. Actually, I mean, it shows your body. You have a nice butt, and you have a little jazz leg coming through. A little jazz leg? Like that, like a jazz leg.

What does that mean? And you know, like, and all that jazz. Oh, sure. Like a lot of, all right. And then this one, this is actually the best photo. It's you in what looks like a, it's a chair, but it's a heart, but it's red. And it's almost, what looks like a it's a chair but it's a heart but it's red and it's almost it looks like something in moulin rouge yes and you're almost like fucking it yeah yeah i want you to know that i'm sexually aggressive and the last one's you and clyde and you have great makeup your eyebrows are great thank you clyde's my dog what what do you

want to know and i can answer your question i want to know do you think these are good pictures you think they're bad pictures what would you change i would have less photos i would take out one photo yeah because the trick is you don't want to have too many photos oh okay you don't want to have weight you want to have just enough to show and then keep them inquisitive so i think that this is too many photos. I think that you and I approach things the same way. My picture is me shirtless next to Bob the Drag Queen. That's my first picture. I'm like, this is my life. I want you to know what you're getting into.

But if you're looking for someone that you want to date date. Yes. I don't know if a giant black dildo is the way to go. Okay. Here's the thing. I think it's a very funny picture. It's a monster cock and a monster shirt. So it's like there's two monster things in the picture. I would have never made that connection.

If I was on an island and you said, what's the connection? Never would I have connected the shirt to the dick. Look at it. It's a monster shirt that's like, look at that dick. Fair. Fair. Fair that you wouldn't make that connection.

Now, your face looks beautiful. Thank you. You have really great skin, great hair. It's just this dick. This will invite, this will keep you single. That's not going to bring in the husband. You see what I'm saying? Yeah.

I mean, I don't mean to, you know, play, you know, or edit it, put something over it, like a question mark. Because the picture view is great. But I just feel like, come. Okay. Do you disagree with what I'm saying? No, but I think it's like one of those things that I'm like, oh, it's so funny. I don't, you know, like the phrase kill your darling. Then I think you have to say.

It's a joke, but it doesn't work for now. You got to kill it for now. Maybe use it later. So maybe it's like lose it now. Or maybe I put it as like the fourth picture or something. I think that here's what you can do. If you want to keep this picture, you have to change what you're saying in your profile. You have to open with, hey, boys, I'm a comedian.

If you're into that, let me know. Oh, I can't. I can't tell someone that I'm a comedian. Here's the thing. I never tell people I do comedy. In public, I don't either. I don't. I don't.

So I'll tell them I do comedy later. Like, I wait comedy later like I wait to like date two or three unless they already know so like I went on a couple dates with this guy

who on the first date he was like oh I know who you are it'd be weird if I didn't say so then I went on another date with a dude

who waited almost like a full two hours into the date to be like I've seen you live and I was like oh that felt like you were hiding something. And then I had this guy who, the moment I saw him,

I was like, oh, I hate him. I think he's gross and disgusting. So I like right off the bat was like, just came from the improv, came from a standup show. I do standup. And he was like, oh, so like, what do you do for like money? And I was like, this, standup. I do standup.

I'm a standup. I make money doing comedy. And he was like, oh, so what do you do for money? And I was like, this, stand-up. I do stand-up. I'm a stand-up. I make money doing comedy. And he was like, oh, I'll tell people right off the bat if I don't give a shit about you. But if I care about you, I don't, for whatever reason, I feel like it's maybe braggy or intimidating that I get to make money doing art. Well, because it shows that you're,

what does Joan Rivers say? She's like, no man ever put his hand up your skirt looking for a library card. You know, you're smart. I actually, I don't know why I said that

because I don't tell people I'm a comedian either. It takes a minute. And then one time I told this guy, I'm like, I'm a comedian. He goes, no, you're not. And I was like, okay,

I guess I have to prove myself. See, and that's like another thing. And then also when you tell people you're a comedian, they're like, tell me a joke. And then I say, I'm like, I'm sorry, to prove myself now. See, and that's like another thing. And then also when you tell people you're a comedian, they're like, tell me a joke. And then I say, I'm like, I'm sorry you're not paying me. That's a good one.

I should say that. I should say that. And then sometimes people are like, but I could. And I'm like, oh, you don't get it. You don't go talk to a lawyer and be like, huh, show me a deposition. You wouldn't do that. After I did Colbert, a girl that I used to teach art camp with

who's very sweet, but like, whatever. Anyway, we haven't talked in a while. She messaged me on Facebook, and she goes, hey, I wanted to say congrats on Colbert, and that was really exciting. I said, thanks so much. And she goes, so is this like a hobby? What's your real job? Oh, my God.

I was like, I don't know what other thing I have to do to prove that it's a real job. I mean, my grandmother literally last year was like, because I haven't spoken to her this year. She was like, are you going to ever go back to college? And I was like, what, bitch? No, I just, no. Why? What to do what?

I think she wants me to get a degree and become a lawyer or something. I think they still hold out that I'm going to do a straight-laced job. And I was like, no, I'm pretty like, I'm in it. I want going to do like a straight laced job. And I was like, no, I'm pretty like I'm in it. I want to do this for the rest of my life. Like I really love what I'm doing. And it just like it's kind of like at that point hurtful. It is very hurtful. Why can't you just take what I'm saying and like understand that like my life is different than like what you thought my life was going to be.

But also like just acknowledge that I am doing well. I am doing okay. I mean, there's tons of room for growth. But, like, right now I'm okay. You're doing more than okay. And my grandparents, they're just like, brr. I guess when I'm in, like, a Tyler Perry movie, they'll be like, that's success. Isn't that strange, though, that when it takes that one thing to sort of get them to realize that it's a real thing like i you know i i love my brother

but we're not the closest he's also gay and i think he thought like me doing comedy i don't even know what he thought i just i just know that it wasn't like anything he took serious until his friends started showing him clips of me on tv and then all of a sudden it became like a reality for him. It's really crazy. Like my aunt and my uncle came and saw a show that I was doing. And my uncle Andrew was like, wow, you're really funny. And I was like, what the fuck do you think I've been doing all these years? If not trying to be funny, like, why do you think people pay me to do these years if not trying to be funny?

Why do you think people pay me to do things? It was just like, what the fuck? And he was like, well, I know you're funny just as a person, and when I talk to you, but I had no idea you could do that on stage. And I was like, ugh. I think most people don't have the same urges we do. A lot of people live in fear and want security and do not want

to leave that secure that's why people stay at jobs for 50 years or however long a nine to five work in an office and work the slowly up because and there's nothing wrong with that but there's this fear of stepping outside of the ordinary my friend pat in chicago he was quitting his job and he hated his boss he hated his job you know he's 45 years old he's got some money saved up and every single person he was talking to

was like don't quit just don't quit your job just don't quit your job just don't quit your job called me up and I said quit it do something else do something more fun

take the lead yes and he said you're the only person to say that to me do it and you and I were in New Orleans together and he said something to me that will stick with me forever because you know you're really brave you're doing something that people don't do people don't say i'm gonna take control of my life and do exactly what i want to do and risk everything and it is a

risk you know it's such a huge risk you like i quit my pretty steady retail job to Claire's she was a manager it was a manager of Claire's and I'd be like get your ears pierced no I was working at Lane Bryant with fat women and uh I quit and I felt crazy I was like I can't believe I'm quitting this job you make it work that pays me so poorly that I had so, I got paid $8 a fucking hour and worked there for two years. Retail is terrible and disgusting. And I only worked retail.

The worst. Yeah, like retail sucks. And then I was like, what if I like waitress? And every, so I went to interview at Jane, which is a restaurant on, fuck, it's downtown somewhere,

like maybe in the village. And also, like, I'm too fat to work in a restaurant. No one was going to hire me as a waitress. Why? Because people don't want to order dessert when your waitress is like, do you want it? I eat it every day. And it's like, you know what? I'll skip it. I'll bring out the dessert tray.

I'll skip it and I'll walk home. You know? So, like, fat people serving food I don't think is in people's brains. know what i'll skip it i'll bring out the dessert i'll skip it and i'll walk home you know so like fat people serving food i don't think is uh uh in people's brains i don't think they think it's appealing or new york too it's like i'm an actress everyone's an actress in new york but in my interview more fries please in my interview at jane they were like so why do you want to become a waitress because you don't have any serving experience on your resume. And I said, it's the fastest way to make money with keeping my clothes on. And I was like, funny joke.

True. And the man went, okay, we'll call you. And I was like, oh, I think that's a rejection. And then I worked at Elmo in Chelsea. I love Elmo. They have great fried chicken. Fuck Elmo. I worked at Elmo in Chelsea. I love Elmo. They have great fried chicken. Fuck Elmo. I worked there for a day.

I had an amazing interview with this amazing guy. And then show up for work. I was wearing a silver pleather skirt. Yes, God. A black turtleneck with silver jewelry. My hair was very straight. And I looked cute as fuck. And I was seating people and serving them or whatever.

And then the manager comes over and he's like, hey, Nicole, we just have to talk to you in the back. And I was like, okay. And he was like, this isn't going to work out for us. And I was like, what do you mean? Because it was a different manager. And he's like, how do I say this? You're too jolly. What?

And I was like, jolly? Okay. What does that mean? like, jolly? Okay. What does that mean? Gather my belongings. I'm leaving. And I went, he called me fat. The only person you call jolly is Santa. And he's a fat white man who fits in chimneys.

I'm too jolly to seat people at a restaurant called Elmo? Are you? I don't even have to squeeze anywhere. Elmo's shaped like a U. I can glide in between shit. What do you mean I'm too jolly? I never once sat someone and said, ho, ho, ho, hope you enjoy your food. Like, what are you? I was livid. So fuck Elmo. I'll never eat there again. Mateo, you're gay. I'm not a man. We are very dear friends.

You're like family to me. But if we were in an alternate dimension, would you date me? Oh, yeah. You would? Well, yeah. And here's why. Because you're fun. You keep things moving.

You keep things going. You can be serious. You're very smart. You're very business savvy uh you're very pretty and i know i wouldn't be gay but i would still help you do your wigs help you do your makeup redesign houses um but yeah i think that the one thing about you too that you don't let a lot of people see is that you do like on tv you're very funny you're very bubbly you have all this great energy but there's another side to you that i enjoy which is you are very serious you are very politically

aware you are very smart and you are what i mean to talk about someone who knows how to do the business and handle yourself in a career you absolutely know what you're doing and it is very inspiring and i think that there's a lot of um people who might may not see that watching Girl Code or your show now, but it's there and it exists, and Nicole's wonderful. I'm going to tell you, you're the only person who has said that they would date me without any other thing. Like, what do you mean? So she was like, I would date you, but you're not going to like what I'm going to say next. She was like, I would want to fix you.

And then everyone else has been like, you're emotionally damaged. Well, we all are yeah i got two dead parents and i don't know where love comes from we're coming to the end of our podcast oh that's it did we learn it was i a terrible guest no this was great uh we had a real fun conversation that truly just like went in and out and it was beautiful and um do you have anything to plug? When does this come out? I don't know. Just follow me on Instagram. Uh-huh.

Mateo Lane, M-A-T-T-E-O-L-A-N-E. He's got fabulous butt pictures and it's wonderful. And I love it. Okay. So I forgot to do this on the other one but if you like what you hear you can rate me five stars on on iTunes I almost said on Instagram and I was like my podcasts aren't on Instagram so if you like what you're hearing and you're on iTunes you can rate me five stars I would love it so much and subscribe so you can like hear new episodes and shit like that.

And if you write a review where you like hit on me, I will read it during a podcast. Here's an example. You are one sexy mama. That's all I got to say. Hit me up if you ever need a boy toy. And then I got a DM on Instagram the other day that said, when will you let me please you? And then I got another one that said, let me all up in your guts. Oh, see, I heard that for the first time the other day.

I never heard that before. Yeah, let me all up in your guts means he wants to break through my cervix and fucking pound my intestines. Then he better send a photo to prove he's going to do that. They're all disgusting. They're all nasty. So please, yeah, say anything nasty. The more creative, the happier I am. Mateo, thank you so much for doing this.

I love you dearly. I love you. If you have a chance to see Mateo live, do it. Follow him on Instagram. Follow him on Twitter so you can see him live. Because truly, it's a delight. You can watch him on Stephen Colbert. That clip is up on YouTube.

It's very, very funny. I got to watch him work it out for's a delight. You can watch him on Stephen Colbert. That clip is up on YouTube. It's very, very funny. I got to watch him work it out for like a while. And it got to such a beautiful place and it's so funny. So Mateo, thank you so much for doing this. I love you. Bye bye. I love you. Goodbye. This has been a Team Coco production.