Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Being a WOMAN (w/ Sasha Colby)

Episode Date: December 15, 2023

Drag queen mother Sasha Colby (winner of RuPaul's Drag Race S15) sits down with Nicole to discuss the unique challenges of dating as a trans woman. Sasha shares her experiences of dating in the closet during high school, recounts where she's had heartwarming meet-cutes, and delves into her personal interpretation of what it means to be a ~Woman~. Nicole pays for the Raya feature that shows who's liked her. Write something dirty to Nicole! Submit it to [e-mail] for a chance to have it read on air. Follow Nicole Byer: Twitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerMerch: podswag.com/datemeNicole's book: indiebound.org/book/9781524850746

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh, baby! Welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me, a podcast where me, Nicole Byer, was trying to figure out why I'm still single. Listen, the mystery's still out there. We don't know.

But my guest today is a legendary drag queen, trans activist, and mother to many drag children from the house of Colby. She is the winner of season 15 of RuPaul's Drag Race and is about to embark on her North American tour. Ooh, I'm so fucking excited. It's Sasha Colby! And the crowd goes wild, wild, wild. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi, Sasha. How are you? And I, too, am wondering why won't you date me? Wait, are you single? Sort of. Sort of. We'll see.

We'll see by the end of this. We'll see. Well, it's the Christmas season, so ho, ho, ho. I fucking want Santa to bring me a man down the chimney and put him under a tree so I can wake up and go, oh, you're in my house. A little gingerbread man. I would take a gingerbread man. That would be nice. I would take a gingerbread man. Oh my God.

Yeah, sweet, bendy, can't really run too fast. Wait, okay. So you grew up in Hawaii. Did. That's amazing. What was it like growing up in Hawaii? Was it just like nice weather all the time and like playing in the sand? That's what I envisioned. Pretty much. Like, I'm not even going to lie. Like my front yard was the ocean.

My backyard was the mountains. It was like paradise. But of course, you're like, you don't really think about that or care or like really like are appreciative until I like left there. But yeah, I grew up in paradise, you know, the Aloha State. Yeah, it was a lot of fun, actually. And you growing up had blonde hair and you have naturally green eyes. So what was it like growing up Hawaiian, but not looking specifically Hawaiian? Is that a thing that you had to encounter

yeah that really is something I had to encounter uh a lot I grew up in a very small very not affluent little town beach town that was like specifically set aside for Native Hawaiians and like you you know everyone there was pretty Hawaiian but they were all mixed you know like how everyone's mixed in Hawaii but um I probably had the most Hawaiian of any of my classmates my dad's one of like the was one of like the last like native like full-blood Hawaiians 100% Hawaiian and my mom was about half so I had a little over half but but I did not look it. And I was constantly called like Howley, which means like foreigner. Oh, my God. Yeah. Like, yeah, I was blonde, green eyes, light skin and queer.

Oh, my God. I didn't have a chance. God, that's like the trifecta. Oh, my gosh. Oh, and then like weird, weird religious kid on top of that too. Oh wait, you grew up Jehovah's Witness? Yeah. Is that where you go door to door knocking being like, hey, do you love God?

That's where we would like, yeah, they would like make us do stuff. What's that like? Which was like child labor laws, I wonder, about child labor laws. It's just wild because like you would do that to people and people would pretend that they're not home because they could see you guys coming. But you would then, on Halloween, do that to the trick-or-treaters. Oh, that's so funny. Just be like, not home. We don't have any candy here.

Sorry about it. I wonder what someone would do if they had anxiety about knocking on someone's door. That must just knock it right out of you. I guess. Yeah. I don't know. I guess the delusion that they were peddling the reasoning or fear. So did you date a lot when you were younger or no? Did you date like, are you a late bloomer, early bloomer? What kind of bloomer? did you date like are you a late bloomer early bloomer what kind of bloomer um i was a late bloomer for sure i like knew i was a girl like at five like as soon as like we got into kindergarten they started separating us for like you know in our gender groups i was like uh i'm with the girls like what are you doing what doing? What's going on? So, like, I remember I had a crush on, like, my fifth grade, really, like, my, like, kindergarten crush was this girl, Charisse.

And she knows this. She's out there. She thinks it's hilarious. But Charisse, if you can tell, she was the most beautiful girl in our class. And I wanted to be with her. But actually, I wanted to be her. I didn't know what that, like, it was just all affection to me, like admiration. I did closeted date like a few girls in high school.

There was like one or two. But it was like, you know, like my first one was like actually eighth, seventh or eighth grade, eighth grade, I think. Like we dated for like a month where you like hold hands. Yeah, and you don't do anything else. You know, like kind of see each other and passing and you sit next to each other. Yeah, it was really that. But I think like everyone was like, why is she going with a gay kid? Because I was still rather feminine.

It was just, you know, still pretty. But then high school, there was one. And then that was just, yeah, It was just, you know, still pretty. But in high school, there was one. And then that was just, yeah, it was just kind of awkward for me. You're like, I don't really know about this, but it's what I think I'm supposed to do. Yeah. I don't know if it's like the person or the gender or if it's just me trying to figure it out or myself. Like trying to figure out what I like and even who I am first. So if you don't know who you are,

you don't really know what you like, right? How are you going to love somebody else, right? Can I get an amen? Ooh, amen. Yeah, I mean, it takes a while to figure out what exactly you like and what you're looking for. I mean, it took me so long. I just realized I'm looking for someone

who's emotionally available and wants to be in a relationship and is nice to me and likes me which seems like isn't that like foreign and wild and kind of a hard one that's a hard card to it is to check off each one because i've spent so much time chasing people who actively are like oh i don't want to be in a relationship and i'm like yeah but you'll change your mind after being with me for a little bit it's like it's so funny because like i just assumed that i deserve a douchebag because that's all that was attractive for a year and i tell my friends i actually told them last week i'm like i'm so emotionally crippled by men that even if you are a mildly attractive man and are in a in a position where you're

getting paid to be of service to me like a waiter or just your job is to be nice i think because how men have treated me that i'm in love with you just because you were nice to me. Yes. I can't tell you how many servers, flight attendants, valets that are slightly attractive that I'm like, oh my God, you truly love me. Oh my God. Yeah. Well, and then that's when I'm like, I look at one of my friends and I'm like, my baby? My baby? That's my baby. that's my baby i once had a server and i left him my phone number and then he ended up texting me and then i was like oh my god are you gonna like take me out like i was just like bold and brazen and then he was like oh no i'm not interested in that and i was like then why did you text me

why on earth i did why did you text he didn't have an answer. He was like, oh, I just thought it was fun that you left your number. And I was like, but why would I leave my number for anything but dating? I don't want a friend. I have friends. Why would you follow up and don't follow up? Don't. Leave me alone if you don't want me. Leave me alone.

Leave me alone because I don't know nothing about no mixed signals. If it's my way, it's for me. So after Drag Race, did your inbox start booming with people being like, do you want to date me? Can I take you out? None. Really? Like none of that. No.

I have no idea where they are. I'm looking for that folder. Literally actively searching, going through, seeing if there's anyone. Wait, that absolutely blows my mind. It's all money. Just money. Well, what are you looking for? Let's try to manifest something right now.

Okay. So, like, I mean, can I tell you my track record? Well, what are you looking for? Let's try to manifest something right now. Okay. So, like, I mean, can I tell you my track record? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Like, the two huge relationships that I've been in was, I believe, like, when I was, like, 28. It was, like, my first, like, actual, like, in-it relationship was, I just won Miss Continental. So I was already a trans woman.

Mm-hmm. But married a lesbian. Okay. Fell in love with, like, lesbians, too. Uh-huh woman but married a lesbian okay fell in love like lesbians too became a lesbian moved right in immediately i i had a relationship that was like one big relationship was having this lesbian experience and like the last and only other relationship really was with the trans man so i've been dabbling in all kinds of arts here, testing the waters and seeing what I like. And as of right now, I do enjoy a good old man that is not an asshole. That is like not like I really would like to meet a nice guy. That would be the things that you had said and stated.

Those are actually what I'm actively, as a 39-year-old now, valuing. Yeah, because you don't value that shit early on. You're just like, I don't know. Are they cute? Do they have a car? Are they going to pay for dinner? And it's like, I could pay for my own dinner. I'm cute.

I have a car. But do we argue over fundamental things? Like, are you kind? Are you do you respect me? Do you respect yourself? Do you know when to use the there and there and there are, you know, good grammar, you know where to put an apostrophe, because I am a bit of a grammar police. Are you like, can you hold conversation? Yes. Which is really hard for a lot of men. It really is. And I don't know what it's about, but I feel like it's getting worse.

Yeah. They're just, they're just resorted to grunting now. And like head nods. And you're like, what is this? Oh, so we're king. And I'm like, I think it goes back to like the fact that there's like crickets in the DMs. I mean, I'm aware that I may be a bit intimidating when one's meeting me. So I don't know.

Even though completely naked on global television, I thought that would help. I don't know if you're intimidating because i did get to meet you in person it was at bosco's face reveal where is that mickey's no heart yes and i saw you walk in i was like it's sasha colby and i like scurried behind you and i was like sasha i'm sorry and you were hello? Because it was an area I was not supposed to be in. And then you were like, oh, hello. And to me. Yeah, it's like, oh my God, I love you.

I was like, you smell divine. You are stunning. And you're like a woman who, I don't know. You're like a woman. Like, I don't know how to describe it other than it's like, when do I get to be a woman? And it's like, I don't know if it's it other than it's like when do i get to be a woman and it's like i don't know if it's in the cards for you nicole i just don't think it's there like your outfit now for like chill relaxing is like this like i don't know it's like a blouse

that's tied up with like tiger print like you look like this is a going out outfit to me i'm like this is a woman well thank you i mean first of all woman yeah i i get it i mean i got some like an adult that helps like if i was like talking to someone i don't know 25 and under like I wouldn't know what to talk to them about you know that's also a thing looking for a more mature person yes somebody

a little older like traveled has seen a little bit yeah like a little silver fox I don't mind that I like the fact that you could slam down a black card as well oh a silver fox yeah so you earned them gray hairs after you won miss continental wait so you were in a relationship when you won miss continental yes no uh as soon as i won okay

like the night i won, I met her. Wild, right? That is wild. It's like truly kismet where it's like just like the highest of highs. You win a competition and then you meet someone that you fall in love with. That's truly so wonderful. And how long were you together? Glorious two years.

Okay. That's a solid amount of time. It's longer than any relationship I've had. Well, and in those two years, like a good old lesbian, we got married and divorced. I love it. The U-Haul stayed in the driveway. Baby, the motor was still running. Oh my God. I love that. So wait, you live, when did you move to LA? Right after that. It was 2014. Okay. And yeah, been here ever since. So it's going to be about 10 years. My 10 year anniversary is coming up.

Do you find dating to be harder? Wait, you moved. So when you won Miss Continental, where were you living? Were you still in Hawaii? I was in Chicago when I won, which is where the pageant is located. And the owner of the pageant actually owns a show bar there called the Baton Show Lounge. And I used to work there as showgirl. So it's kind of like my college days in Chicago. Okay. Graduated with a crown.

And then I took a little detour to Orlando where I was with the wife. And then hightailed it to L.A. Do you think L.A. is harder to date than Chicago? I see. Okay. So when I was in Chicago, it was like 2006 to 2012. And this is like, what is to one? And this is like, what is the one?

There was a couple of these dating apps, but it was very of that time. But it was right before even Tinder was around. I forget the name of the apps, but that's the only place you could go. And it wasn't a place where you disclosed that you were trans. So then there was that whole hurdle. But I felt like it was really conservative in that early 2000s in Chicago. And maybe it still might be a little more conservative. So dating was a little interesting, which is where I kind of learned how to date, which was very awkwardly. The dating there was, you you know just hooking up like if you're a trans girl and you know they're they're not taking you out on dates you know what i mean they're like let's

stay in right like you know so it was very uh muddled existence dating in that time there then i went to la and it was like a lot more free and people were a lot more open to dating a trans woman from like 2014 to now i mean it's a lot more open and a lot more people are okay with like you know expressing themselves or like entertaining the idea without worried about the gender roles so i think it is a little easier but i think. is in general like crazy for anyone to do. It's probably the worst place. Yeah. Like pretty people. But it's just like, you know, everyone's here for a reason. So there's always like an underlying motive of why we would be talking. And that usually comes out eventually. of why we would be talking. And that usually comes out eventually. Yeah.

Wouldn't you say? I would say. And I haven't figured out, it's funny because like I've said before, I'm like, I don't like it when someone doesn't tell me that they know who I am. But then I also don't like it when people immediately tell me who they are or that they know who I am.

So there is no happy medium. And it's just like all about vibes. And it's like what you like or don't like and the person's vibe. It's just everything is, LA is the weirdest place I've ever lived. And I don't think I'll ever leave it. The fact that I'm getting used to it.

Yeah. You're just like, whatever. It's LA. Oh my gosh. Especially traveling this whole year and going to so many different places and realizing, like, what is happening in L.A. Yeah, you'll do a show somewhere else and you're just like, oh, people are normal and quiet here. People are normal and, like, yeah. Sweet.

And have a vast vocabulary. And have interests and hobbies and do shit. Yeah. Sweet. Have a vast vocabulary. And have interests and hobbies and do shit. Yeah. What a novel idea. Have you been traveling since Drag Race has ended? Yeah, like nonstop. Every week. It's like two or three different cities.

Oh, my God. What do you do for self-care? What do you do to like stay grounded within you? I finally had a break. Like I finally had like a two-week break. And I'm going to have another break like in January. But I just, you know, I love, I mean, I was so excited to like get the big one. And I really wanted, I'm an old school pageant girl.

I want to have a good reign. I wanted to have a good rain. I want to have a good rain and, you know, get every single one of my flowers all over the place. And it was like a victory lap because half of those places I would work for the past 20 years. So it was like coming home and people were so excited in all, all like so many cities like San Antonio or Orlando even

you know Chicago it's been it's been really nice I mean as corny as it sounds like I do live because I'm a Leo and I'm a ham I do live for a good old meeting they do like amp you up like an hour of you to tell me how amazing i am i couldn't possibly and y'all do meet and greets before the show right i have to because i will get you sweaty and drunk fair fair i when i did them i would do them after because i was like i get too nervous before a show and i'm like i need to go over my set and it's like I can't meet you and like give you attention I have to like

perform and then after and then I'm also like what if you hate me what if you hate me you don't and then you're like oh god I can't believe I met her before she fucking sucked well I definitely feel like because especially you have to like talk and speak i'm just lip

syncing and dancing so like it's easier just i mean it's hard cardio it really is i've like any time i like i've lip synced to one thing in a show and i was like jesus christ i'm not even saying anything i'm out of breath so wait nobody's like like when you're out in the world nobody's like throwing themselves at you no one's like you know trying to be like hey let me take you to dinner while you're in san antonio or like whatever um not a lot i mean the fan base who does know me aren't i mean they're you know the queers you know the they thems and the gays and all of them and like they just you know they love mother but i mean the guys that are attracted to maybe someone like me they're not really watching the show like no but um

yeah there is a level of anonymity that i can still have at least trying to date or find someone but like at a certain point like i've been like the dirty secret to so many guys as a trans girl like always shame always comes attached with your affection and at the end of the day it's always like a letdown because they're like oh i really care about you but i'm gonna bring them to my parents and my mom wants kids and all this kind of stuff and you know they they deny themselves what they like but like i'm a little stone i forgot what i was saying hold on circle back circle back um being someone's dirty little secret yeah um i've been a dirty little secret for so long i need somebody to kind of be a little fanny like i want you to kind of know like the weight of what are like this movement and this

job and and like the responsibility that i have i want you to know that and i want you to think that like what i do is cute you need a cute little job you know no like there's like history behind this and being made because i mean that's all we're allowed to do is try and make something for history because they won't tell us but let us tell the truth now yeah i i feel like with any occupation anybody you date should be your biggest fan of like what you do like i don't think i could date anybody who came to a show and was like oh yeah i didn't really like it because then it's like oh my god you don't you don't like my humor i can't respect you you don't think i'm funny it's my whole thing that's my charm my wild that's what people like the most about me and you don't like

it like i would lose my yeah i don't want you to like drop off the me and you don't like it. Like I would lose my. I would want you to like drop off the face of the earth. Yeah. Like that's a wrap on that. We can't be out here like this. Swipe left. Yeah. Goodbye.

Sasha, real quick. We got to take a break. We're back okay so before you got on drag race you took acting and improv classes i did a few at groundlings like one little one-off my friend actually would study there and we would actually do some like groundlings exercises at his house as well like because i was always a little too scared to actually go all the way but yeah that kind of helped for uh actually funny things so he had my friend had a bunch of friends you know that was at growlings and did improv and could do impersonation so when i was getting ready and practicing for drag race i actually be like had game night and we told his friends to

come and we're gonna do like a fun snatch game and they all knew what snatch game was so i was actually like practicing and they didn't know that i was like practicing my character honestly that's so fucking smart yeah i mean and i was with like some really great people that like i could have get drowned over, you know. So that was like really good help to think like, OK, what are you going to do when what will we do when someone actually is like killing it right next to you? Like how will you bounce off of that and not get like choked? I love that. I think that's so smart.

I feel like all the queens should do in acting in an improv class. Absolutely. Because they do a lot of acting challenges. I was just re-watching season seven. It's all acting challenges with no actors and I love it. That was a fun one. It's so funny.

I loved it when they had a bunch of gymnastics. Remember the gymnastics that Shirley won? Yes. What season was that? That was great. What in the the hell it was so funny and i was like and you've never seen it again because i think that's where eureka hurt herself and then it's like oh yeah you're throwing other human beings into the sky like what do you expect is gonna happen the way that they would think, yeah, let's try. Let's see. Let's see if this works.

Let's do it. Who cares? Whatever. Yeah. Take a chance. Did you, I have a question. Did you take dance classes as a child

or are you like self-taught? No, I took dance classes. I'm a product of my dance studio. It's a studio that's still around. It's in Hawaii called 24-7

Dance Horse Studios and me and all my friends that's still around it's in hawaii called 24 7 dance floor studios and me and all my friends that are still my friends to this day we all came from that dance studio and still work and create together right i used to teach little kids and like beginning uh cakey hip-hop oh that's fun i love that yeah i don't like this is hip-hop. Oh, that's fun. I love that. Yeah. I don't like kids. This is hip-hop. But I think teaching kids hip-hop will be very fun. Oh, it's fun. They're actually amazing.

And now they're like adults, and I feel old. I mean, I went home for Thanksgiving, or I went to see my family at Thanksgiving, and all of my cousins are like 20 now. And I was like, when did you get so tall and old? Like, how is this happening?

Also, how can you? Because I'm still 20. Right? I'm 21. I'm so young. Just so youthful. So, okay, Sasha, it's the end of the year do you have any like new year's resolutions in terms of dating or just like in life um I mean this is gonna be a hard year to

talk I must say I've had like some crazy crazy blessings but I guess for life is just to be able to keep our uh creating art and having fun and being able to work with my friends and playing dress-up like I used to do when I was a little kid. I still get paid to do it. It's wild. Keep on doing a lot of that. And as for love, oh, darling. Yeah, I'm down. I'm open for anything, you know, whatever comes my way. Yeah, I'm trying to be open and be like, whatever, whatever that's going to come to me as long as it's like respectful, nice and emotionally available.

and emotionally available. But I was like, before we even jumped on here, I was swiping through Tinder, and I was like, oh my God, everybody on here, I mean, people aren't garbage. Everyone is magic in their own way. People are wonderful, but I was like, none of these people are for me.

It's a lot of swiping. A lot of swiping, a lot of no thank you. Then I was on Ryan, I was a lot of no thank you and then i was like when when when will i see something i like i tell you ryan is like ryan is the craziest thing because it's like it's the you match you say hello and then you never speak again yes it's so weird yes i don't get it i matched with well this one guy I matched with he was like are you in LA where are you right now and I was like I'm in LA but I'm gonna be in New York for like two weeks and then he was like I'm gonna be in New York in two weeks and then I like we like exchanged dates or

whatever and I simply forgot to hit him up while I was there because like he wasn't that cute he was fine and then when I was in New York he sent me so many messages that I was like because like he wasn't that cute. He was fine. And then when I was in New York, he sent me so many messages that I was like, oh, well, Diva, we're all thirsty out here. But I'm not that thirsty. Also, you're going to kill me. I'll still share your location. Truly. Tell all my friends where I'm at because this man is coming for me. Wild.

Yeah. There's but I mean, talk this man is coming for me. Wild. Yeah. But I mean, talk about no follow through or that. Yes. That's where we are. Like there's no happy medium. Zero to a hundred. It's so wild. Wait, you're the youngest of seven children?

Yeah. That's so many kids. Did you ever feel like you got lost in the shuffle? Well, actually, like I was i was 13 i was born 13 years after the youngest one so they were all there are six that like when i was born they're like the two oldest already had kids so i had kind of had like an only child experience and like my brothers and sisters felt like my aunts and uncles and like their kids who were my nieces and nephews that older than me felt like my cousin and i uncles. And like their kids, who were my nieces and nephews, that older than me,

felt like my cousins. And I was like with these two old people for a parent. It's like my mom had me when she was 48. I was with these two old people as parents. Why am I stuck with the old people? One child, two elders. That was a cheap movie. That's so funny.

Why? Did they have a reason as to why they took such a long gap? Do you want to know what my dad said? Uh-huh. He said he forgot to pay the cable bill, so they had nothing else to do that night. What a wild thing to say to somebody. What a poet. Yes.

To your child. Well, he didn't pay the cable bill and 5.30 in the afternoon on a Tuesday. Chuckle. God, that's so funny. When did you come out as trans to your family?

If you don't mind me asking. No, not at all. I graduated when I was 18 and like secretly started taking hormones and then ran away. And like when I ran away at 19, I had told them. I'm 19 tits. Tits already. Wait, so you had tits before you told your parents? Like in tandem.

Oh, okay. I mean, I kind of like that. I like that bold, like, I'm going to do what makes me happy and what feels true to me. I ran away because, you know, they're super religious. I didn't know how they were going to take it. So I'm like, let me just run away to Vegas and, you know, need a bunch of trans, like, friends there that help me, like, you know, get hormones and do all that stuff and

yeah um so wait you were in vegas for a little bit i was i was a citizen of the world let me tell you i've lived really just all over yeah at 19 i was in vegas and that's the worst place to be a 19 year old like you can't do anything yeah 21 is definitely the age that you need to be in vegas like truly yeah you can't even go into the casinos right can't go anywhere you can't even sit you can't even sit or walk through this casino yeah it was it was nuts and then how long were you in vegas oh like three months and then i moved back to Hawaii because I couldn't. I wanted to be dancing, but I wasn't going to move back or like unless, you know, I was treated like a woman. And so that was the truce. And then I ended up moving back home in with my family.

And it wasn't hard for them, but I'm just shoved it. I was like, I'm going to do what I'm going to do. You know what I mean? And I mean, you can love me or you can like throw me out, but I'm going shoved it. I was like, I'm going to do what I'm going to do. You know what I mean? And I mean, you can love me or you can like throw me out, but I'm going to milk it as long as I can.

Yeah. So they kind of always, it was always rough and I actually don't have a relationship with, my father passed a few years ago, but I don't have a relationship with any of my family because they're still religious

and there's, you know, just a lot of hang up. So I've distanced myself and practiced healthy boundaries. And as soon as I did that, all the blessings from the show happened. So I mean, that's a confirmation. Wild that people are like family is family. And it's like, yeah, but a family disrespects you or a family doesn't accept you. family is family. And it's like,

yeah, but a family disrespects you or a family doesn't accept you. It's like, then you do have to put up boundaries and then go find your chosen family. The people who do accept you and love you for who you are, because you mentioned, I think it's Mahu, which is the third gender in Hawaiian culture that represents masculine and femininity.

And for your family to be Hawaiian and not recognize that in you is so like, it's strange to me. And I understand like being like, okay, we're religious and this is what we believe. But then it's like, but at our roots, we believe in Hawaiian values and stuff like that. Well, the thing with religion, especially like something like very cult centered, like being Jehovah's Witness. I mean, every religion, it's the main thing that they do is they wipe out any ethnicity in a group. So for you to first be, uh, fossilized,

you have to first reject your, your, you know, what's running into your blood. And I think that's, um, a big thing with a lot of indigenous, a lot of, you know, POC people is that there's a loss of their culture and their indigenous culture because they're wrapped up in the misogyny of religion, the patriarchy, these mass healing roles that are super toxic. Those are all man-made.

That's all to keep us oppressed. And it's wild to see when, like, guys who are toxic masculinity or even the machismo. That's all conditioning that the white man told you to act like. And you're just buying into it. And now you don't even like your own ethnicity or what's going through your veins, even. But yeah, that's always the hard part. And I'm cool. even you know but yeah that was that's always the hard part and i'm and i'm like cool i've made like peace with that with the fact that like um you know sometimes family is maybe not always

what everyone else gets but it's showing you how much you deserve and for me it's like how much how many years and how many things am i going to do to try and make them like me not even just like me yeah and like how much self-hate is that for me to be keep on going to bat to what i know is not good for me it's like going to a battered situation especially now if i'm going to be this mother to everyone and be a point of inspiration, I have to act it. I have to walk the walk. Live the truth that you're trying to show people. Yeah, you cannot settle for anything less than you deserve.

Yeah, I fully fucking agree. Do you go to therapy? Yeah, of course. Had to. Had to. Had to. I did therapy. I did meditation. I did retreats.

I've done doula classes. I've done, you know, the bufo frog venom. Toad venom. You did it all. I did it all, baby. I've tried to heal this shell, honey. So I don't attract no broken man.

It's just wild how settled in your truth you are. And it's nice. Because sometimes I'm like, I know who I am. I'm settled in my truth. And then I'm like, but am I? Who am I? What's going on? Oh, I mean, when this phone is off, she is toxic mama, okay?

She's Britney Spears toxic. She is a neurotic mental case, I'm telling you right now. When did you start getting into drag? I think when I was, we started like, I started dance. And soon after that, like all, that was like my first bunch of like queer friends, like gay friends, happy gay boys. They were like outwardly flamboyant. I'm like, oh, sassy, you know, but they actually showed me Miss Continental VHS. chess of it's like i think 2001 this continental and uh it was actually a the winner was from hawaii and she was amazing um but it i just got into drag and and pageants all and then competing in all like at once it was just like it's time me up i always wanted to be, like, in the girl lineup. I've never, no, I've been to one pageant.

I've been to Alaska has a pageant. But what is the pageant circuit like? Like, how many pageants are you doing a year? Ooh, I mean, there are tons of, like, smaller pageants and national pageants. And, I mean, they range from, it's going all year long. So depending on the pageant you want to do you kind of know when that when that's going to happen and you prepare whether in a year or six months um preparing yourself for the pageant you know saving up money buying the right gown uh working on who you are and pageants are so great because i feel like it's like a mirror to yourself.

Like how like you're doing drag race, like you're like a brand, right? And you have to like sell your brand. You're like the advertiser. You kind of have to know like the strengths and weaknesses of your product and how to market that. And it's like really good life lessons so I just always loved the competing and I loved the fashion, the sparkles, the glamour darling the mid-atlantic accent of it all yes diva darling. Oh!

So wait, during a pageant, it's like a dancing... No, what is it? There's a talent portion? Yeah, there's different categories, but for the most part, there's usually a talent, some sort of fashion, either gown, or sometimes there's a swimsuit or creative costume, depending on the pageant. But there's a swimsuit or creative costume uh depending on the pageant but there's always like a few categories but mostly it's a talent and there's like a question and answer

or some sort of interview so you just have to you know be talented and have something to say which is that's all just be talented and have something to Well, if you want to win. Try to find that. It's all the fun. I think that's what drag is. Like trying to figure out who you are in front of people. Which is like the craziest thing. You know, you get read

by your other like drag queens. You get judged by people in a forum and, you know, on social media. But it makes you tougher and makes you hone your craft. Mm-hmm. Sasha, real quick, we gotta take a break.

So you were on season 15, right? Was that the first time that you had auditioned or had you auditioned years before? It was my first time ever oh i love that first time auditioning and then you're like i'll just win the whole thing how about that let me go and every step was like did that okay Okay. What advice do you have for all the single people out there who are, I don't know, looking for somebody this holiday season or just looking for someone in the new year or just looking in general? I mean, it is cuffing season, right? I believe so. You know, no one's going to meet you if you're just on your phone all day.

Got to go out. I feel like there's no going out and meeting people. The fun of getting ready to go out to the club on Saturday when you know all the cute people are going to be and get excited. I know. I feel like hopefully we can all get out there and start meeting each other in like meet-cutes. It'd be fun. Meet-cutes. Meet-cutes are fun.

And I'm constantly trying to do a meet-cute. Like I, anytime I go out, I'm just like staring at people being like, you? Is it going to be you? And it's like, no, it's not. It's not going to be them, Nicole. is it going to be you? And it's like, no,

it's not. It's not going to be them, Nicole. Oh, I've had a few meet-cutes in my life. Yeah? Where to? Wait,

where? Where are you having these meet-cutes? So I can go there and try to have a meet-cute too. At a gay bar, babe. Okay. Yeah. I mean,

it was that one, you know, that one that was just there with his friend there for a party and you're like you'll do this is great you'll do it over the night i yeah i think meeting someone in person it just sounds like it's fine to meet someone online, but I've been doing it for so long that I'm like, it would just be nice to like have a conversation with someone in person. And then one of us be like, hey, do you want to continue this conversation another day? Yes, I would. That would be nice. Yeah, that would be amazing. Instead of first going through this like clinical screening of all the things you find aesthetically pleasing or not, you know, deal breakers. And then really try to figure out while talking to this stranger if he's a serial killer or not, you know, making sure he's not on any wanted lists or any, you know, predators in your area.

Yeah, run that name through a police thing and be like, are you okay to go out with? Give me that database, honey. Wait, are you on the apps or no? I'm on Raya. Okay. But that's about it.

That's about it. I'm having trouble on Raya. I just paid for the feature that shows you who already likes you and it was like $40 and I was like, this isn't worth it.

Barely anybody likes me me I thought the likes would roll in and it's like sorry bitch I gave you $40 to tell you who doesn't like me is that what I just did basically that's what I did cause I'm like ain't nobody be liking me over here this is terrible

oh dating okay what is like have you ever had a first date where you were like I'm like, ain't nobody be liking me over here. This is terrible. Oh, dating. Okay. What is like, have you ever had a first date where you were like, oh my God, I think I'm in love. Oh yeah. Like every day. I'm a perpetual like fall in love or faster, like really quickly. And then I have to like catch myself before I hit the honeymoon suite and like you know figure out like if I like you

like I can't even like focus I'm like planning the wedding and like setting the register at Williams-Sonoma you know so yeah I there there's been many oh my god I'm like so in love I mean the probably the waiter that bought me the bread

you know the unlimited breadsticks I'm like I'm in love I'm in love I love this bread I love you I mean, probably the waiter that bought me the bread, you know, the limited breadsticks. I'm like, I'm in love. I'm in love. I love this bread. I love you. I love Olive Garden. Because when you're there, you're with family. You're family. What's a date you've been on where, like, you were like, I can't believe this person's acting like this. What's going on? Do you want to hear a trans tale right now? Yes. Like, it was like one of my first dates.

I was in Vegas. You know, I'm female. I'm women. Got this cute guy. Looked sporty. Like, kind of, like, really tan. Had, like, sweatpants. And we went to go see a movie in, like, a t-shirt.

Like, a Nike shirt and a hat and in the movie theater he decides to tell me and show me his purple lace panties that he had on and I'm like 19 yes and I'm like is this what dating

is what is this what everyone's gonna do everyone's gonna have purple lace panties like it is in like burned in my brain i don't own purple panties for that reason that's so funny i just can't even wear a 40 year old i think it's hot i like work where's the garter? But that was kind of like, is this what dating is? Kind of is. It's just, you know, how weird are you? You just go on a date waiting for someone to show their fetish. And I feel like with the trans girls, it's always these boys that are like,

they're just like trying it for the first time. They're like, oh, they like go out with a trans girl. And then they think just because they're like satisfying like one fetish or like a kink that they would see outside. Then they want to like order it up like they're at McDonald's. They want to be like, well, do you have any other kinks? I'm like, calm down and focus on this one, please.

You can barely satisfy me when you're asking for a friend. Like, why are you always, why are they, I want to know this audience. Why are they always asking for a friend you can barely satisfy one girl? Wait, you encounter that a lot? Every single guy.

Do you have a friend? Can we get a threesome going? Yeah. And we're just like two hot trans girls just like riding around in a bed naked, waiting for you. God, that must be so fucking frustrating. in general are frustrating our pigs yeah i mean that's why i didn't want to be one that's why i'm making a movie let's be honest you're like i don't want to be like that what would you do the one that does that doesn't smell

i mean yeah i i fucking feel you i say it all the time i'm like being attracted to men is so humiliating i wish i wasn't i know it's so much easier it really would but then i mean not always because lesbians are like bang but they're gentlemen though like you get you a good lesbian they are gentlemen that's so funny get you a good lesbian that's what you need to do they'll open the door good lesbian the door they got a job you know they'll take care honey maybe that's what i'll do i'll get myself a good lesbian i don't know i i truly I don't close the door to anything but I just like right now in my life I'm like I really do just want a boyfriend I want a

man yeah I don't know maybe Santa will bring me one maybe the new year will bring me one I don't fucking know Sasha oh I can't believe that like nobody's sliding into your DMs to be like, date me. That's so wild to me. All right. So how much longer do you have in this podcast? I was trying to hold off, but I am talking to somebody. What? Oh, you are.

But I don't want it to, like, mark this, like, podcast to mark that. I see. Okay. But, yeah, I am like podcast to mark that. I see. Okay. But yeah, I am talking to someone and we will see. It's been a month and he's actually everything that you. Sasha, I love that for you. We won't jinx that, but we'll see. I know.

We're not jinxing it. It's a, it's a, I think it's people are talking about jinxing shit all the time or like don't talk about stuff or whatever. I think it's like manifesting. You're like, this person is really great to me and it's like not that i want anything more but it's like i want them to continue being great to me i want them to continue to be supportive and continue to be like you know a bright spot in my life i think it's gonna be a good thing i'm excited for you it's exciting and yeah uh kind of undoing all the trauma we just about like really like just like a nice supportive kind person i love that

yeah oh that's so wonderful okay what advice do you have for me okay to get into a relationship a relationship um probably don't want to be into a relationship? A relationship? Probably don't want to be in a relationship for the day that comes, right? I don't know. I think, yeah. I mean, it just happens whenever you least expect it, really. And I don't know when it does happen.

The advice that I would give, I mean, I don't even know. Like like because it could just come anywhere right I'm surprised too that no one's all up in there in them dms me too I mean there are some people up in my dms but also it's like do I feel compatible with them do I do I want also it's that it's a level of high standards in oneself too and that's important yeah i do have a little bit of standards and i do joke about like being desperate and not having standards but it's like i do yeah because if i didn't i would be dating whoever you know what i mean yeah it's just me and a monster yeah like yeah yeah wow like our 20s yeah oh my god my 20s. Yeah. Oh, my God. My 20s were disgusting. I was such a wild little beast.

Truly just doing any old thing all the time. Just a glutton for a wanderlust. We have come to the end, Sasha. And I do want to ask, because I ask most of my guests. I've only forgotten it a couple times. Would you date me? Oh, totally. Oh, my gosh.

I'm so glad you didn't forget. Yes! I mean, I'm down. We can go on a double. We can go on like a date to go find more dates. I love that. That would be so nice. Just a real manhunt.

Find somebody. Put the bear trap. Catch him. Do you have anything that you want to promote? Besides date me? No. Yeah, actually, I have a ponytail line that's out. You can check it out at salonextensions.com or on thesashacoby.com

where you can get all your Sasha Colby information, including downloading my new single called Feel the Power. Alongside, I'm really excited about this, next year, early this upcoming year, starting February 28th, I'll be starting my one-woman tour. I'll be touring 22 cities all over the U.S. and really excited to kind of just have this

beautiful, intimate night with fans and friends. And it's called Stripped. So it's a play on mind drag and really just a stripped-down version of stories and things that have made Mother a mother. You know, how did she get here? And I'm also doing an open call.

It's allowing me to have one up-and-coming drag performer from each city that I'll be in to have a chance to perform with me. city that I'll be in to have a chance to perform with me. So we're asking for audition tapes and we're going to pick the best, most well-rounded drag performer that represents your city. And that means all drag is valid. So, you know, all kinds of drag, drag kings, any drag performers, you know, we're here to see it all. Mother wants to see. I love that. That's so fucking cool. Like, you're going to make someone's whole life. Like, that's incredible. It's very fun. It's going to be great.

Give them that. I love that. Give them that. Sasha, thank you so much for being here. Did I hear this show? Did I do the podcast? Oh, my God. You did it!

Thank you. Thank you. And if you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, rate it, subscribe, You did it! Thank you. Thank you. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you can like it, rate it, subscribe, give me five stars on Apple Podcasts. And if you write me something nasty hitting on me to whywon'tyoudatemepodcast at gmail.com, I will read it.

This person said, Hey, Nicole, if I were a sculptor, I'd carve you out of marble, starting with your massive ass as the focal point. Your booty is a mountain of lust, and I'm a sculptor, I'd carve you out of marble, starting with your massive ass as the focal point. Your booty is a mountain of lust, and I'm a climber, ready to scale its curves and revel in the exquisite view from its summit. Love you. That was nice. That wasn't nasty.

I really liked it. Who is that? It's from Anonymous. Ah, Anonymous. It's from Anonymous. Make yourself known, Anonymous. Make yourself known. Write me another.

All right. Bye-bye. Why Won't You Date Me with Nicole Byer is produced by me, Mars. It's executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao, and Jeff Ross at Team Coco. With talent bookings by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Maddie Ogden. Got a question, crazy dating story, or a dirty message for Nicole?

Write it to whywontyoudatemeepodcast at gmail.com for a chance to have it featured on a future show. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week with a brand new episode. Dee-doo-boo-boo-bop, buh-bye. week with a brand new episode. Bye-bye.