Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - BEST OF: Getting Paid for Sex (w/ Meatball and Big Dipper)

Episode Date: September 20, 2024

As we continue our hiatus, we're bringing back one of Nicole's all-time favorite episodes! And oh boy, buckle up, because this one is WILD. Nicole is joined by her pals, drag queen Meatball and rapper Big Dipper. They share a wild hookup story involving a dirty diaper, talk about how they like to be choked in bed, and swap stories about the times they were paid for sex. By the end, Nicole is convinced to hire a male escort for her next birthday.Originally aired 05/25/2018.For more drag queens on Why Won't You Date Me, check out our episode playlist on Spotify: https://spoti.fi/3fg8EpuSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey everyone, it's me and Nicole. We're on hiatus So I am so excited to reshare one of my all-time favorite episodes with you ad free Today I am featuring a super fun episode with my dear friends a drag queen named Meatball and rapper Big Dipper. I love Meatball and I love Dipper so much Truly, they're two of my favorite people. I love hanging out with them I also love all the stories they tell and truly this episode gets so wild Truly, they're two of my favorite people. I love hanging out with them. I also love all the stories they tell, and truly this episode gets so wild.

We dive into the world of obscure gay dating apps and chat about the features that definitely need to be on straight apps. Meatball also shares a crazy story about a hookup gone wrong while wearing a dirty shit-stained diaper baby costume. And we also talk about the important conversation of bringing up kinks in the bedroom. If you love Meatball and Big Dipper, which you will, they have their own hilarious podcast that I've been on, Sloppy Seconds, available on Forever Dog.

This one is wild from start to finish, so you don't want to miss it. Let's get into it. Oh, let's hear that theme music. Please tell me why. Ooh baby, this is another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? And I've got two fun guests. You may have seen them on YouTube. Or maybe listen to their podcast, Unbearable. I got Big Dipper and Meatball. Hi.

We are in a club. We are, I love that. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow, meow. Meow, meow. What a dream, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for having us. Okay, so I have a question, are the two of you single?

Yes. Yes. Yes. This is gonna become like a book club meeting where we actually just get together all the time and we're like single, single, single, single, single. I'm also so single. I'm so single.

I heard. I think much of America has heard. Most people know this now. I'm so single that like I, my last relationship was like three years ago and I will often be like, well my ex-boyfriend blah blah blah and I feel like that's cool for like six months.

But like I still am like telling stories about that time I was in a relationship and I was like ooh, single. I don't think I've ever been in a real relationship. I was in one for like four years, but it's the same situation it was like four years ago so it doesn't even count now. I also have never been in a real relationship

where the man was like, this is my girlfriend, and I love her. I've been like, I hooked up with this one guy on and off for years, and I'd be like, one day, one day he'll love me, and then he was like, no, I'm crazy. So. Did he whisper that or say that in full voice?

He said it out loud. No, he would run red lights and do strange things. Like, he would be at full stop. But he had a great dick. Oh, his dick was things. Like, he would be at full stops at red lights. But he had a great dick. Oh, his dick was incredible. See, people don't get that, that everyone's like, but they're so nuts, and it's like why?

It's like, the dick. The dick. Wow. Yes, you get dickmatized. You look at it, and you're just like, oh, I can't wait till it's inside me, in my puss, in my mouth, I can't wait, I love it. So are you guys on Tinder, or Bumble, in my mouth, I can't wait, I love it. So are you guys on Tinder or Bumble or Scruff or Grinder

or OkCupid or eHarmony? I'm on Scruff and I'm on an app for bears called Growler. Oh yes, I forgot about Growler, I'm embarrassed. Growler exists, it's okay. Oh, I can't believe I missed Growler. I mean, how could you? Are you not on Hornet? Oh, I am on Hornet, but my photo on Hornet is,

because I work for Hornet, my photo is me in full drag. So the people that hit me up on that have a very specific type. Oh, is it like? They want a drag queen with a penis. Oh, this is fun. Yes, so I get a lot of- I've never gotten to talk about this before.

Oh, let's get into it, mama. It is weird. I hooked up gotten to talk about this before. Oh, let's get into it, mama. It is weird. Yes! I hooked up one time in a full baby outfit. Ah! In a dark alley behind a club. Ah! And, but dark, I mean it was well lit

because my friends were walking by. Because it was in WeHo, so the alleys are like. Because it was in WeHo and all the alleys are well lit and my friends walked by and saw it happen. But that guy had a very specific fetish which was people who are men that dress like women that dress like babies. So that's a fun one.

So that man has an option of three people. That's crazy. And I just want to get into the logistics of this. Meatball is dressed in drag, which means he has foam pads under multiple layers of tights. Six pairs of tights, I was fully tucked. The baby outfit was a diaper with a shit stain on the back. It has a rhinestone shit stain on the back,

and the front of it has green baby vomit all over it. So I had like glitter vomit on my face. So it was a very sticky thing. In order for this man to get to what he was looking for, aka the kinkies. The kinkies. The kinkies. Oh my god. He had to dig around in my diapers. And I was a naughty little bastard.

So he dug around, untucked you. He untucked me and like just, oh, can I talk? Okay. Yes, let's get into it. The pure smell of someone who's been wearing six layers of dance tights and dancing around in a sweaty club all night. Like it wafted up and I smelled it and I was like,

oh well, he does not mind that at all. And he began to blow me in his vehicle. Did you talk to him in baby talk? No, I very much was like very adult about it because when he pulled up and he was like, hey, and I was like, I'm high. Wait, he pulled up? He like rolled up on you in the air?

I'm so sorry, I need to start over. I was leaving the club. I was done. So you didn't meet on an app. You were leaving the club. This man rolls by. Oh no, no, we met on an app. Oh, okay.

Oh, right, right, right, right. You're mad at telling stories. Yes, girl, I'm so confused. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. So I told him that I was gonna be filming for Hornet that night as a thing and we wanted to come meet me. On the app you told him, great. And then, okay.

And then he came to the club. And then I was leaving, and I guess I didn't see him or he didn't know that I was leaving. Girl, he went and got the car because he was trying to scoop you and take you to daycare. I didn't even think of that. Daycare!

I gotta take her to daycare! And he picked up his little baby. And he picked up his little baby. And then he blew his little baby. Too much. Is that too far? This is why Congress wants to shut the internet down. Because of music. Because me and my poopy diaper.

You're literally confirming what Republicans think gay people do. I know. They fuck babies. Oh my god. I fucking love that. Have you ever hooked up all dressed up? Cause you get glammed up. All the time, I do not fuck out of character. Um, wig on tight, extra bobby pins, uh, full makeup.

I don't, I can't. I have bad, you guys have seen me twice now without makeup on, because I feel close to you. Uh, no, it's cause I woke up very late. Same. So, I'm not gonna lie, I bet you guys have seen me twice now without makeup on, because I feel close to you. No, it's because I woke up very late. Same thing. But yeah, there's just something about someone seeing me makeupless and then being like,

I can't fuck that, even though I know fully well that a straight man would be like, I don't care, she's here, she's a receptacle, I'll come right in, I don't care. I wish someone was talking about me like that. She's a receptacle, I'll come right in, I don't care. Um. I wish someone was talking about me like that. You clutched your pearls, but you just said you were dressed as a baby, so I'm talking to you.

I think it's for me it's different, because that wasn't me, that was Meatball, that's a different person. Oh, oh fair. That's a character. Fair, yeah, I mean. That character did that, that was all a story. Woo hoo!

That was all. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, okay, that's how you sleep in that. I just found a rhinestone on my leg. I love it. The life of a drag queen detritus. I mean, our lives are very similar. I take off my bra constantly and glitter falls out. I've been very into glitter lately.

Do you think though that it would be like really freeing for you to have sex without makeup on? I think I'd have to be with someone for a while. Because I will put makeup, so if I go all day, I'm like at the gym running errands, don't put makeup on, and then have like a little booty call, I will put makeup on. Just for the booty call?

I will put a wig on, yes. Yeah, it's, I don't know why I do it, I just can't. Although my wig did come off once during sex. I was just gonna ask you that. Cause you like white boys, so I bet they touch your hair accidentally. They love to touch, oh, twice now, okay. So once this guy, I won't say his name,

we were having sex and he was like hitting him from behind and then I like felt his hand in my hair before I was like, no, he like pulled it. And I was like, my hair! And he goes, Nicole, you were not your hair cause we were friends. And I was like, this is not the time to have a moment with me while you're inside of me, OK?

But also, regardless of if it's a wig or not, ask before you pull hair. Oh, do you have to ask? Yes. I think so. I think so, too. Though I will say, I like getting slapped in the face. I feel like that you need to ask about.

But I'll lean into it it because it's really hard to like be naked with someone and be like, so... Don't start it like that! At a certain moment, when you're feeling like it's right, just smack the shit out. So like, I'll lean in and I'll be like, because I do a lot of, to talk about the apps, like the thing, I listen to your podcast all the time.

And I hear this constant, you have all this conversation with straight people who are using these apps to dates and it's so much like, we chat and then if the chat is something then maybe we meet in person and then it's who pays and what happens and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, on the gay apps, yeah, there are people dating, but mostly it's like, what are you looking to do sexually? And then link up.

And I think you talked with Mateo about this on the podcast. So when I'm just right in for the kill, like, hey, do you wanna get together, blah, blah, blah, I'll say things like, and don't be afraid to dominate me a little bit. And they'll be like, what does that mean? And I'm like, I can like it rough to a certain degree. And I sort of lean into that.

And then, you know. To lay it all out. To lay it all out. To snap, yeah. But then there is, like the thing that doesn't happen when you're on these apps and you're over communicating about what you want, is the excitement of spontaneity. The excitement of daddy swooping you in the alley.

Yes. And so I don't wanna explicitly say smack me in the face, but I wanna leave that door open so that if he ends up grabbing my face and then I sort of lean into a little bit and then he pats it a little bit and I look at him like you can go for it and then I get the bruise, which is what I'm looking for. Then someone being like, can I slap you?

And me being like, yeah, sure. And then them doing it. It is a very near thing. The set up is like, man, I'm just like, well, thanks for taking me out of it for a minute and then just getting whacked. Right. Yeah, because absolutely, when you talk about it,

the moment goes away. Yeah, I asked a guy to choke me once, and it was a very strange conversation. I was like, you could choke me once and it was like a very strange conversation I was like you could choke me and he was like hard and I was like, I mean Yeah, just like wrap them little thingies around my neck and just squeeze a little you're like I do want to breathe But yeah, and then I told him the next day I was like, oh you left a little bit of bruise And then he got so he was I'm so sorry. It was like police report. I can't believe it and I was like, oh no No, I literally asked for this. It's fine.

It's kind of hot that I can still feel the bruise from you. And then he never did it again. Interesting. But with another guy that I was hooking up with for a while, I got a collar. And then, yeah, we were in a relationship, but we had all these sex toys that we used. And it was thrilling. I like wearing a collar. Have either one of you ever toys that we used, and it was thrilling.

I like wearing a collar. Have either one of you ever worn a collar? Yeah, all the time. Just for fashion. Oh, no. No, I've worn it for sex. I love it. When they pull it from behind?

Yes. Oh, girl. OK, just the collar or with a leash attachment? No, it's like just a little ring hook to pull. So that they can just. Yeah, just like jerk you around a little bit. They could put a leash on it if they wanted to, but I'm not that person.

I think I would really like that. No, it's really good. You gotta get the, we'll take you to Rough Trade. But you gotta get one of the thicker ones. We have to go to the section. We have to go to Rough Trade. But you gotta get the thick one so when they pull it's like the whole neck, girl.

The whole neck, yeah. Yeah, I think the smaller one would be like a choke. The little thin one's like cut. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a little velvet one. Wow. Oh, a little red velvet. Wow. A little red velvet. What other toys do you use?

We had anal beads, we have a spanking thing, and then a little ball thingy that you put inside a lid. I guess it's anal beads, but for a puss. But for a puss. Puss beads. Puss beads. Put my puss beads in. So when you're on it.

Honey, have you seen the puss beads? I am trying to pack for life. I can't find them. So when you're on an app, do you guys talk about sexual stuff or is it just like, I'd love to get coffee? Most of the time. I don't understand straight people, I'm sorry. They're stupid.

I don't understand them either, which is why I'm still single. Sometimes it's, let's just get coffee. Sometimes it's a little more. I can give you two examples. Tony said, hi Nicole, my name is Tony. I'm a single Latino man looking to date you and get to know you. Let's start as friends and see what happens.

Wow. Wanna exchange numbers and start talking? Honey, please send me your number, honey. You're very beautiful and sexy woman, Tony. And then the next day, good morning honey, I look forward to your message. And then another day. That sounds like a bot.

Yeah. Kind of. But he's like an older Hispanic man from Pasadena, which is like my demographic on dating apps. Yeah. Then he said, are you not interested at all, baby? Please just tell me. Please.

I'm a great guy and will treat you as my queen. I'm very interested in dating you. So that's one nice way. Can't have my number. but like kind of does, right here's another one. And you never responded back? No, because he was a little too old. What I've been doing lately, full disclosure,

is swiping yes on everybody and just seeing what sticks. Yeah. Because that's what men do. And I was like, well, why not? And also nothing has stuck. So this man, Michael, said, Hi Nicole, how are you? You're very attractive and beautiful.

I adore exotic looking African American women and you are no exception. You just have a beautiful body, so hot. Forgive me, but I would love to see you wearing a white medical doctor's coat with a stethoscope dangling down your chest and wearing long leather thigh high boots. Would you be my naughty doctor?

I'm getting a call from my therapist. Would you be my naughty, my naughty doctor. Sorry, let me silence my therapist phone call so I can talk about a naughty doctor scenario on my podcast that is also therapy. Oh man, if that wasn't the most on-brand thing that's happened, I don't know what is. Ah! I hate you.

Okay, so then he says, would you be my naughty doctor, please? Please don't be offended, it was just a thought, LOL. Maybe he thinks you're gonna have a PhD. He knows I don't have no PhD. He was just like, I'll throw out my sexual fantasy and see who bites. See, I think it's one of those things where it's like, you have to know when, right?

So if he was like, hey, and you were like, hey. Like I've also, again, listened to the podcast and you're like, I hate hey as an opening line. It sucks. To me, I'm a hey. Really? Because it's based on, and I think the difference is it's based on a picture.

Because I'm looking at his picture and I'm going, hey, and if he says hey back, that means he's mildly interested. And then we can be like, are you looking for today or looking for, because there's also the thing on a lot of the gay apps is you literally say what you're looking for, it's like dating, friends, husband, or oral, anal, you literally just say what you're looking for.

See, I wish straight people, I feel like straight people are like repressed in a way where they're like, I can't possibly just what you were looking for. See, I wish straight people, I feel like straight people are like repressed in a way where they're like, I can't possibly just say I'm looking for like hooking up tonight and I just wanna fuck and that is it and I won't eat your pussy. Well, on this app, there's literally an option called Shout where people just send out what they're looking for.

So this is a shout that I got this morning, which is, Whoa! Hey guys, anyone looking for right now to host midday fun, make out, body contact, oral, see where things go. I love all types of men, great kisser, love anal, big balls, very hairy, huge shooter. So like if I wanted to take him up on that option, I'd be like, come on over, and it would just happen. So essentially on these apps,

you can send like a newsletter to be like, I wanna- To a five mile radius. Just anybody five mile, you got a car, Essentially on these apps you can send a newsletter to be like, I wanna. A five mile radio. Just anybody five mile, you got a car, you're getting fucked girl. My God, why don't straight people do this? You don't understand, it would make their life

so much easier. I don't understand, it really would because sometimes, like today I woke up and I was like, I'm gonna shave my pussy and I'm gonna fuck somebody tonight. Yes. But like if I could send out an SOS, I would. Be like, please come, come to my home and fuck me. But if I could send out an SOS, I would. Be like, please come, come to my home and fuck me.

And they fucking shut down Craigslist, so you can't even. Wait, they did? I know they shut down Backpages, but I didn't know they shut down Craigslist. Craigslist shut itself down because the Personals are a big part of it, but they do a ton of other stuff. And so in fear, like in fear,

that the entire website would get shut down, they shut down the personals based on that. I guess that's smart. I don't think a lot of people still use Craigslist. I don't think so either, but since back ages. Oh, you do? Oh yeah. Really?

And actually, okay, so this is crazy. And this morning I just like followed up on like Craigslist. I was in Boston for a thing, and I love Craigslist because if I'm traveling, this would be a hot tip for you. Okay. Because you go out of town to do shows. Yes. So you know you're going to Omaha, Nebraska.

So you're in LA, you go to the Omaha page, you write, looking to get my puss eaten in my hotel. Yes! I got it. Lights off. Like, I got a good puss and a fat ass and like whatever. You must send me pictures, do this, do this, do this. And someone is gonna respond and you get to be in control. You land in Omaha, you go to your hotel,

you say this is the room number, whatever, they come over, you get what you need, and then you fly back. Oh my God, listeners, you cannot see, but my jaw is a gig. As mine is most nights off of Christmas. You're so gross. So anyway, I was in Boston, I end up meeting this guy,

and he came over to the hotel room, and then we started talking, and he, I like much older guys, so they immediately, like he, like after we were done, he was like, so what do you do, what's your life, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, great to see you, you know, like you can make your way. But we ended up talking, and he like used to be

this huge music director for television, and he is like, all of it, like, and he, we started talking about music stuff, and I was saying, whatever, I had some question, and he ended up emailing me later with some links and some information to the Craigslist email, and I'd never responded, because I got sort of freaked out. And then this morning, I struck up an email conversation

with him under my real email, that has all my links to my music and everything, and like now we're like having this conversation about music and like resources and it's a very like, You fall in love. Yeah. To quote Cardi B, a Binderella situation.

Ah, please. I can't stop listening to that album. It's so good. It is so good. Every song's a banger. And then I was reading this article about how she had helped with some of the raps and helped with writing it.

And I was like, so what? Of course. So what? Do you ever look at writing credits on a Beyonce album? Right? It's so many people involved. There's like 18 artists. If you do look at this is just maybe too music

geeky for this moment. But if you do look at the writing credits, it's mostly just her and a producer. And I have a theory that Atlantic paid really good money for all the Ghost Writers to not be credited in order to get her. Everybody's pockets are lined, who cares? Completely, and the album is so good.

It's so good. I would rather her come out with a good album with 1,000 people helping than her come out with a flop because she was like, I'll do it myself. And also I was like, I love that you knew you couldn't do it yourself. Right. I think people like to jump on bandwagons

and be like, whatever, she's not talented. I'm like, she is talented and she's learning how to be better. Because guess what? She just performed those songs flawlessly on national television. Yes, that SNL performance was, she murdered. And she just co-hosted the Jimmy Fallon show.

It's like, don't, like she's nailing everything so you can't say anything about her. It's like being in a movie. Like you didn't write those words, but you're performing the hell out of it. So like, and then there's editors and people edit you to look bad. Ugh, whatever, I fucking love Cardi B.

I love her. Get her on the show. Oh my god. Friend of the show, Cardi B. You know her. Get her on the show. Oh my god. Friend of the show Cardi B. You know what? She would do it too. I should. You could ask her about dating off set. Send her a message.

Hi Cardi B. She's like whoosh poppin. Whoosh poppin. I love the way she speaks. Me too. I was talking to somebody and they were like, well you know all girls in the Bronx talk like that. I was like, no.

No. She has a speech impediment and an accent and she's from New York. It's a whole mess of things. And she fixed her teeth later in life. And I feel like that was a lot of fun. It's not like she had dentures in for a little while. Now she's good.

Yeah, she is. And then maybe her tongue's too big for her mouth. I think her tongue is very big. You know? You know? It's also fun to see her on TV, because it's clear she knows, they burned into her brain, like, you cannot cuss.

You will be fined money if you swear. So Jimmy Fallon's like, write Cardi, and she pauses, sort of deer in headlights, and then she's like, yeah. You know what I mean? She's like, okay, this is not my Instagram live, like, I cannot. I can't talk about sucking dick.

That is sick. Yay. I fucking love it. Yeah, well, RIP Craigslist. We have to take a break. So we can take a break real quick. ["Sweet Home Alone"] And we're back!

What a beautiful break! Oh, we had so much fun. Meeple got in full drag. Oh, he did? Oh my god. Girls, you had so good. Thank you. Oh, but Craigslist.

So I had a friend who used Craigslist to, I don't know if I've mentioned it before, but she would go on Craigslist towards the end of the month and then meet a bunch of daddies, go to dinner with them. She said all she was doing was going to dinner, but she would come home with so much money that it was like impossible, you must be doing something. I feel like of the amount of dudes that I've met on Craigslist, I could have gotten my rent paid.

You could have. And I just like never, like I just did it because I enjoyed it, but I'm like, I probably could have been like, well, it's 50 if I suck you, and they would just. Yes, you can also talk more than 50. I know, I'm very talented. When I was in New York, I once a month would suck a guy's dick. Oh, he would take me, oh, we met on Craigslist.

I'm gonna take it to the beginning. Thank you for backing up. I was, here we go, here we go. I was a young college student, and I didn't have a lot of money, and we met Thank you for backing up. I was like, here we go, here we go. I was a young college student and I didn't have a lot of money and we met on Craigslist and I was like looking for money and he was like, oh yeah, well I'll take you out to dinner

and then if you blow me or if we have sex, I'll give you $250. And I was like, okay. And so we like went out to dinner and I was so uncomfortable because it was the first time I've ever done that. And I was like uncomfortable because it was the first time I ever done that. And I was like 18, I was very young and I just needed money. And I went out to dinner with him and I was like,

I'm sorry, this was a lovely dinner, but I cannot have sex with you. And he was like, no, it's fine, just come back to my place and we'll just watch a movie and have some drinks. And I was like, well, alcohol is expensive. So I went out to his place and he got me pretty tipsy and then I had to ask him and he gave me $500. Yes, girl!

But it was that weird situation where after it was done, I didn't know how to leave, because I was like, well, he gave me money, do I live here now? Take the money and run, take the money and run. Do we talk? And I kept trying to talk and it was that thing where I was like, well thank you, I had so much fun,

like maybe we could do it again. And he was very much just like, get out of my house you child. How many times did you do it? I did that with him three times. That's so much money. I know. I did it twice.

I don't think I've ever said this in public, but who cares? So I was also, I was poor, and I was working at Lane Bryant, and I ended up leaving, and my roommate who would go on Craigslist, I was like, I can do that too. So I found this man, and he said that he wanted to draw a bigger woman.

It was just like random thing that I found. Like one of his French girls. Yes, like a big old fucking French girl who can't put a baguette down. So. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. So I messaged him, and I was like, I'm a big girl. He's like, send me some pictures.

So I sent him some pictures, and he said, ooh, this is perfect. And then he said, come down to my apartment. It's in the village. And I said, all right. So I go down. Oh, and then he was like, what are you gonna wear? And I said, what do you want me to wear?

He's like, I don't know, do you have anything fun? I was like, I could wear like a Hello Kitty sweater, and some Converse's, and he was like, yes, yes! What? Serving a fucking full-blown child fantasy. You were almost a baby. Mm-hmm. So I go down there, and I'm like a little nervous,

because I'm like, what is happening? And then to ease my discomfort, he goes, what kind of music do you like? And I said Cher, because I'm a little baby dreg. So we're playing Cher, and then he shows me this Herb Pitts book, Herb Ritz? I don't know, he shot that picture of Cher where her butt is out, and you see her tattooed,

and she's wearing a thong. Whatever, it's a a big expensive coffee table book and he's like, you can have this. And I was like, oh, thank you. And he's like, all right, well, let's get to drawing. So then I take off my pants and I'm wearing this little hoodie and he's drawing me. Also, I never saw the drawing.

It could have been a stick figure. It was just a stick figure. I didn't know he was back there doing it all. Had no idea and then he kept inching closer to me. And I was like, what is happening? What was he wearing? He was just wearing normal clothes. And he was an older white guy.

And his apartment was really nice and very clean. So I felt OK in it. And I was also just sitting on a chair, pussy on the chair. And then he was like, can you just spread your legs? And I was like, OK. And then he's like, can I eat you out? And I was like, uh, yeah, I guess. So then he's like, can you just spread your legs? And I was like, okay. And then he's like, can I eat you out? And I was like, uh, yeah, I guess. So then he's like eating me out,

and then I was like, what am I doing? So then he was like, okay, my turn. I was like, I don't want your dick in my mouth, I have to go! And then he was like, stop screaming, and I was like, but I have to go! Because I just like, I was 18, and I just didn't want this old man's dick in my mouth.

The thought of it, I don't know, really made me upset. So then he was like, well let me pay you and I was like, thank you. And then he was like, I'll email you the picture later and I said, oh okay. He never emailed me the picture and then I saw him like two years later at a food truck on 23rd Street and we made eye contact

and I went, no! And then he laughed. I ran away. Oh my god. Oh my god. It was wild. And it was one of those things where I was just like, this is very confusing.

No! And he just went, ha ha. Ha ha ha. Do straight people do the same thing that gays do when they'll talk on apps forever and then if you see them in public, you just act like you've never met them before? Yes, absolutely.

You just like blindly ignore them? I've had such long conversations with people like spanning years. Like I can't. Yeah, you can talk. Okay. Wow. No, I just mean like someone I started chatting with

in 2015, you know what I mean? And like, you just like, this literally happened to me the other day. I was DJing and this guy who I had talked to so long, but he lives in Long Beach. It was just one of those things where it's like, Long Beach is not that far away, but if you work a nine to five,

and you have to be up for work at seven a.m., and my life is so different than that, I'm like, there's no good time. You want me to drive to Long Beach at rush hour, it's just not gonna happen. But we exchange photos, everything else seems like it would totally work out aside from schedule and proximity. And then I saw him in person and he kept looking at me

and I looked at him like, hello, it was me, but I was DJing so I could not leave the DJ booth and then he never came and talked to me all night. That's wild! Isn't that? But yeah, straight people do the same thing. Oh my god. I've seen people on dating apps and I've seen them clock me and then ignore me.

And I'm like, guys, come on, we know what we were doing, come on. So do you think when people message you on the dating apps that they know who you are from television? It is 50-50, but also I don't know, because sometimes people will go, are you Nicole Byer? I think you're very funny, and I don't answer.

Right. Or we'll start talking, and then a couple messages in, they'll go, I know who you are, and then we'll stop talking. I just, I don't, it's weird. I think it's weird across the board, even if they recognize you. I got a message literally last night from some guy that's like, hey, we have a friend

in common, and this is someone I know from five years ago, six years ago from living in Chicago. We have a friend in common. I've seen you out once before and I've seen like your music online. I wanted to say hi. And I'm like, this is not the arena for that. No, but it's not. Facebook is.

Yeah, Facebook is or Instagram or whatever. Instagram. Because half the time they're not looking to date you or fuck you. Oh. Totally. They just wanna say, hi, I know who you are and I just want you to know that I know.

And it's like, I don't fucking care. I think I'm lucky that I have makeup. So they can't really, half the time they don't recognize me on there because my name on there isn't Meatball or anything. Yeah, but if you do RuPaul's Drag Race or something like that, or get to another level and people know what you look like out of drag,

that is gonna happen so much. That's only happened when I'm visiting out, when I'm out of town and people know that I'm in town for something, they'll send me that, coming to the show tonight, so excited to see you, and I'm just like, in my mind, I'm like, and are they gonna come back to the hood?

Tell with me after the gig. Am I gonna have to wear the makeup to fuck up? Or are we gonna do this without it? On our podcast, Me and Meatball, but I was out of town and some guy hit me up and started messaging me. No, actually, full stop. Before I left town,

I went on one of those gay massage websites. Oh! Because I had just moved apartments, and I was like, oh, I'm gonna be in Charlotte, North Carolina, let me see if there's a cute guy who will massage me. Massage and clout. With his dick out.

And so I set it up and I found the one who was like the bearish, older daddy type, and we started texting beforehand, and he was like, yes, I do them out of my house. I was like the bearish, older daddy type, and we started texting beforehand, and he was like, yes, I do them out of my house. I was like, I'm gonna be in town, this is the hotel I'm staying at, blah, blah, blah. So we set it up, I went over to his place, he started massaging me, and then we ended up hooking up,

and then I fucked him, and then when we were done fucking, he said, me and my husband are so excited for your concert tonight. Oh no! And what is insane, and I was like, excuse me, he's like, I've been a fan of yours for years. He was like, I actually am a producer and I work with other music artists.

He goes, I also produce porn on the side. Oh my goodness. And I was like, I did, when I walked into your apartment where you had a massage table in the middle of the living room, I did notice. Recognize it from a video? No, I noticed like soft boxes, like porno lights. Like for like, cause he shoots porn in the kitchen

and the living room. Oh my god. And I was like, I didn't say anything, but I just sort of like, and it was this whole thing. And then I got mad at him. I would have gotten mad too, because that's a misdirect. I feel like you duped me.

Yes, you were misled. I know that I initially reached out to you, but I reached out to you as a gay massage website client. What was he supposed to say? I know who you are, I will not massage you because I have to use it. No, but if you're gonna meet up with someone, it's nice to let that person know you do know who they are

at some point. Even I can make the choice. Even if we were doing the massage, he could say, hey, I'm excited to massage you. Also, I want to let you know. He could have even lied and said, I saw the poster at the club. Is this you? We're coming to the show.

Yes. Because after everything is all said and done. Yeah, I guess it just doesn't bother me as much. Well, you feel like they're withholding information. Yes. And that makes me feel personally like a little nervous because I'm like, well, what else are you withholding? Scammed, bamboozled, bewildered, all of the above.

Scandalized. There's a bunch of shenanigans happening over there. Baffoonery. Baffoonery. What's the one that Melissa always says? She says bamboozle bits. Cufufery. Cufufery.

Fake words. I don't know. I like a cufufery. I like a good cufufery. Yeah, I'm with you on that. That feels, it feels like, yeah, it does feel, you're like, oh. I haven't experienced it yet, but it does, I'm kind of getting the vibe of it. Well, you very publicly don't mind fucking fans. No, I fully say that I will do it. I'm like, if I'm in your city and you would like to fuck, let me know.

Yeah, he uses his social media for sex. I love it. I feel like I'm in a movie. I feel like I'm in a movie. I'm like, if I'm in your city and you would like to fuck, let me know. Yeah, he uses his social media for sex. I love it. I feel like it's not, not acceptable, but like, I don't think anyone would take my offer up on it.

Not for you, no, no, no, no, no, no. You can't do that. I think people would think it was a bit. But I think people think it was a bit. Yeah, maybe, but also there's, I've talked about it before, there's no male chuckle fuckers. I have never had a show. Chuckle fuckers?

Yeah, so there's female chuckle fuckers. Women who love comedy dudes who will fuck literally a dumpster because it's funny. Like just an ugly man who tells jokes, they're like, I love him. And the standard for what's funny on a dumpster man is so low. Yeah, it's so different. Yeah. It's like crazy.

For example, T.J. Miller has been real wild lately, and his wife is fucking beautiful. Like she is gorgeous, and you're like, really? And he leans into whatever his aesthetic is, because it's like, oh, it's funny, you're a slob with a smart mouth or whatever. There's so many slobby, slobby, slobbish men with beautiful women. Yeah.

And I've yet to see like a nasty, fat little lady comic with a beautiful man. Like, it just doesn't happen. Yeah. But I mean, maybe one day. Also, during my shows sometimes I'll be like, who wants to fuck me? Really?

I'll be like, who wants to volunteer as tribute? Yeah. And I'll hear like, woo, woo, whatever. But no one after a show has ever been like, so like, let's go out for a drink or whatever. I feel like all the things that are set up as like hurdles for you can be like pivoted. Like I'm already like getting all these like show ideas

in my brain about like, we should do like a bachelor type show for you. Oh my god, for you that would be amazing. That's real because. I would love that. On a large scale platform, it's real. You're totally desirable. You're super sexy.

You're very. Thank you. Like, there are plenty of dudes who would want to both fuck and date you. And I think that there is this intimidation and this wall factor with you being successful. And people tell you that all the time. But I think there is a certain guy

who just given the access. The proper circumstance. Right. Or the access to you, you know what I mean? Like some guy who might be great for you, you might not meet him because he's like working in a lab at UCLA. I have a feeling that the perfect guy for me

is not a fan of mine. Yes. That he will be. But I think that's true across the board. Presently surprised by what I do and be like, oh wow. And he'll like it. I find it very funny. Maybe a little too much for me at times, but I love it. Maybe I'll try sending out a little SOS. OK, I have a secret email account that I use for things.

Oh my god, yes. And it's not really secret. It's called, it's just baconcansave at gmail.com. If you are a gentleman or know a gentleman who would fuck me or wanna date me, give them that email. And they have to be in the LA area. Or if they're really interested, just say what city you're in,

because we could line it up with your tour schedule. Yes, I could! You could schedule it for the night you get there. Imagine I was like, call my agent up, and he said, I got a bunch of fucks lined up for Nebraska, can you send me to Nebraska? He would honestly be like, this is on brand, and I love this phone call.

Because this is the thing, you've been so open and honest on this podcast. Oh, so open, so honest. And so public about it that I honestly feel like there are people who are listening who are like, Nicole is the person that I want to be with. I have yet. Well, no, that's a lie.

I've had people be like, I would date you, but, and then a lot of just like disclaimers. I have yet to find someone who is just like, I will date you. That is it. And I don't know what it is. Well, so what's happening with the apps? You're not getting a lot of bites, and so you're not going on dates?

I mean, I'm getting bites, but I just don't like. What is your profile picture? Oh yes, yes, yes, I should do that. Let me see the whole rundown of what's happening. Okay. Because this is what I'm good at, which is tricking people into liking me. Okay, so that's my Tinder profile.

Oh, that's such a cute picture. Thank you. And it used to be me holding a giant dildo, that was the first picture. That might have been a bunch. But I've since changed it, I put some googly eyes over it so people know it's funny. That's a big dildo, girl.

It's so big. These are amazing photos. Thank you. Oh, describe them so people can. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. So there's one of her just in a full cat suit Amazing photos. Thank you. Oh, describe them so people can. Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry. So there's one of her just in a full cat suit, crawling on a bookshelf, just giving you body,

giving you life, I love it. Then we have one of her holding a dog in a yellow jacket, very cute sunglasses. That's your dog? That's my little dog. Then one of you on the beach, yeah, these are great. You're not hiding any body parts, you're not doing anything, you're like, this is who I am. I get so sad when I see a fat lady

at a very high angle. And it's like the high thing. They need to stop. And I'm like, girl. He gonna be so mad or she gonna be so mad when she sees that you got eight chins? You wanna see that? No, you look great in it.

I don't understand. The pictures are great. What kind of conversations are you having? When they hit you up with a hey, you don't like that. I don't love a hey, but I do respond to hey's now. Okay. If they look like someone. If they look like a hay, but I do respond to haze now. If they look like someone? If they look like something that I'm having a dream of.

That's my whole theory. But I have not been pulling attractive boys lately. With the dildo, I was just pulling in some cute boys, some good trade. Some hot trade, mom. Since I moved it, I guess, I don't know. I just, I know that. Maybe you need to be more forward.

Maybe you need to be sending out the haze with the hoes and the synonym pictures of your. I do that on Bumble. Oh, what's the difference between Bumble and Tinder then? So Tinder, anyone can start the messaging on Bumble. A man has to, or no, the woman starts it. Oh, okay. So I just sent a message to this guy yesterday.

What? Sorry, I just. With a fat ass, hey! I'm a So I just sent a message to this guy yesterday. What? Sorry, I just. With a fat ass, hey! I'm a big old bitch with a fat ass, hey! With a fat ass, hey! I like that so much. It's the best fucking part of it. I changed it from, it used to say I got a fat ass

if you're not into it, bye bye. But then someone was like, be less negative. That's like negative, yeah. So I was just like, hi. But I'm bum bum. So this man, I messaged him yesterday, and he had a picture of a dog just sitting on his face, on the side of his face.

It was a very big dog. And you should have said, I wish that dog was me. Well, I said I like that dog sitting on your face. Is that dog single? Very funny. Yes. Very funny. Is that dog single? Nothing. So.. Very funny. Is that dog single?

Nothing. So. I would have responded, arf arf. Yes! Ew. Ew, fuck you. Ew, that was not good. I like it.

Arf arf? I would have laughed. I would have been like, yes, it's crying. And then something riot. And then it worked from there. Yeah, fuck off. And then I mentioned this guy named Denny, who's cute. Whoa, bitch.

So I messaged Denny and I said, he says in his profile, I've never traveled, which I think is a joke, because everyone on these dating apps is like, I love traveling. I was like, of course you do. Of course everyone loves to travel. So I said, I'm so sorry you've never traveled,

but a lot of people on here love to travel, so all of it may work out. Very cute. Yeah, that's very cute. You're nothing. You're good at this. I'm great at a first message. But I don't know why. Truly, the only people I talk to on Bumble are women

and women, I like fucking women. I'm very open about sex with everybody. I'll fuck anybody. But with women, it's just weird because women I truly need to feel your vibe first. And a lot of women are annoying. Yes, yes they are. That's not nice to say, but they are.

And you meet very few chill women. So it's hard for me to talk to them, because I don't want to meet you in person and have you be like. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, you know? That is a spot on impression of a woman. I don't want to meet you in person, have you be like, ba- sound like that and I want you. What did you call it, a chuckle fucker?

A chuckle fucker. It's a woman? Because we have clown fuckers. Clown fuckers. Oh, clown fuckers, yeah. I love it. It's so good. When I'm in other cities, the clown fuckers will flock to me.

And I now have a problem with fucking in drag. I do not like doing it at all. Just now? May I ask why? Recently, it's been a thing. Just now? Well, because then I realized that I problem with fucking in drag. I do not like doing it at all. Just now? May I ask why? Recently it's been a thing. Just now?

Well because then I realized that it's not about me as a person. It's a walking nightmare is what it is. It's fucking the beautiful, gorgeous, fat woman that I am. I'm using those words very, very easily. Because they just want to fuck meatball and they don't give a fuck about the person behind it. So when I'm face first in a pillow

and I like turn around and all you see is just like lips are getting blacked right across and their face is just like, huh, that's like, you're like, oh this wasn't love? Oh, you know what I mean? You know. What is your-

Version of love? No, profile say. Oh. Yeah, let me see your profiles. I just looked mine up because I was like, I was like, oh, you have people on here critiquing your profile. First off, my name.

What does their say? Oh, I can't show you mine, because my dick is on it. I wanna see your dick. First off, my name is Miss Vanjie. Yay! Stop, that's your profile name? Yeah, my profile name is Miss Vanjie.

Stop. I would do that, but nobody would get it. Yeah, straight people are the worst. Um. They suck. I'm just kidding. No, they do, they really suck. A regular person who likes drag queens performing.

Sorry, you start with a bold face watch. You're hanging out, watching movies, going to bars, down to earth funny guys, looking for hookups, oral, versatile, top, conversation, no strings attached. HIV negative and on prep. Yass, yass. Oh, is this on Grindr? Grindr was selling fucking HIV statuses.

Did you know that? To third party people. Oh, I heard about that. They were like, oh no, that was like under the guise of just regular sale of information. That's so wild. And I didn't realize that all of these free apps run

by selling third party information. And it just finally dawned on me because I won't get a movie pass. I was like, something fishy about movie pass. And it's because they sell a lot of your information to third party people. It's fucking nuts. I was talking to my mom on the phone and she was like,

have you been following the thing with Facebook? And I just said to her, I was like, girl I know all these billion dollar corporations, they're just evil and they sell everything. And her response, she just repeated Facebook four times. She went, Facebook, Facebook, Facebook. I thought she had just seen an article or like something like she was gonna say more.

She just said Facebook. I love it. I was just like, mom, are you having a stroke? Do you smell toast? Mom, did you see that episode of RuPaul's Drag Race? Are you exiting a room just saying Facebook? Facebook. Facebook.

Facebook. Facebook. Facebook. That's insane. What does yours say? Also, I am a regular guy. Mine says. If I saw someone's profile that said regular guy,

I would be like, no. Is that bad? Yes. Who me? Yes. I'm just a regular guy. I'm out on the town looking for a friend. I like books, travel, walking short distances, and sleep.

Walking short distances. I guess those are regular things. Those are all regular things, and those are all things that I like. I can't believe you don't have fried chicken on your profile. Maybe I'll change my name to fried chicken. Do you love fried chicken?

It's my favorite food. Have you ever been to- Multiple times a week. I go to Gus's like twice a week, girl. Fuck, what is the name of it? It's Howlin' Ray's? Yeah, it's not as good as Gus's. Oh really? Yeah. Because I love Howlin' Ray's. It's like twice a week girl. Fuck, what is the name of it? It's howling rays. Yeah, it's not as good as Gus's. Oh really? Yeah.

Cause I love howling rays. It's too hot. And once you get the too spicy. I love, I ate the like infernal one, the hottest one. Why? Cause you wanted to punish your butthole? I did, I guess. Well what happened was.

Cause you lost those anal beads. I lost those anal beads. And I was like, I need something. It's spicy in my book. Ha ha ha ha! I need to feel out of my butt. But I ate it and truly was so sick for two days. So sick, yeah, like spicy food will fucking kill you.

And I was like blasting off my toilet. It hurts so much. You almost took off mom. It hurts so much! And you just go like four or five times a day. Okay, let's not do that. Yeah, it was tough. No, more of that.

Yes, yes, yes, sorry, sex. I do sex from my butt. I haven't really looked at this in a very long time. I'm so excited. So I was like surprised at what it says. I'm 5'9", 240 pounds and covered in hair. I definitely weigh more than that, though. That's it, that's all your size?

No. Like, confident older men who know what they want. And then the gag, I write, I'm human. Oh! So both of you are suspicious. I'm a human, trust me. I'm a regular man. I'm a human.

So I qualify it. I'm human, so that means complex and flawed from time to time. Oh my. Delete your account. It got like that. It got so deep. Truly. Ideally aiming for happiness and fun, followed by happy to be on my knees tongue emoji. Oh my god, I love you.

I want to hold you for a second. What a roller coaster you for a second. What a rollercoaster you take people on, truly. Because I'm so judgmental of people's profiles when they get real on them, I'm like, don't actually. I know! Your ship's so real. Like the mood in the room's shipped in.

So real, my god. But are we not complex and flawed as humans? Yeah, but don't put that on your fucking profile. Yeah, but you don't have to say it. You're saying you're a human and you're complex, you're flawed. I'm complex and flawed. I'm looking for happiness. Anyway, I'll get on my knees. Maybe I'll do something like that.

I don't know. I don't even know. I don't even know people read profiles. I don't think they do. I think it's mostly just a picture thing at this point. It's, yeah, I guess so, cause I barely read a profile. Has your dating life changed since this podcast? It has slowed down.

What? People are probably afraid to be on here. They don't want to be talked about? They better believe it. I don't know why, but also I was working pretty, pretty like just- Regularly? Continuously, yeah.

And I didn't really have any time. So like last time I was like hardcore dating was last summer, but it's summer again and I don't think I'm doing anything right now. So I'm gonna try to like jump back into it. Oh my gosh, it's so exhausting, isn't it? It's like having a fucking full-time job. You have to get to know people,

you have to like fucking act like they're interesting. Half the time they're not. Are you in a position, I mean, I feel like, if you're very busy, you're working all the time, I feel like there must be some part of you that's like, well, fuck it, let me just work, and then if someone comes along, someone will come along. But you're just like, you need to actively be looking.

I feel like I need to actively be looking because I don't know when someone's just gonna walk into my life because when you're on a set, all those boys are married. There are union boys who've been making money since they got out of school. You scoop somebody up because you're financially stable and sound and you will always have a job, so that's out.

And then co-stars are usually very beautiful people who snatched somebody up earlier in life, so they're usually unavailable. So it's like, I'm not gonna meet anybody at work. So where am I gonna meet them? I gotta be on these apps. I gotta, going to a bar in LA is hard because, for straight people, I feel like people get clicky

and they don't wanna talk to nobody, you know what I mean? And I don't know if there's like cruising bars in LA for straight people. And I've like read articles. Did straight people cruise in parks for sex? That works for us. Yeah.

What's that one, Elysie? Elysian Park? Yeah, that's where the dicks go. In Effort Park? Yeah. Yeah, if you go up to the top there and just park, the guys all want their dick socks. Yeah.

Yeah, but I'm not looking just to suck some in my mouth. I know, you like wanna be in a thing. Imagine I'm just opening my mouth, open wind, I'm like, oh, okay, goodbye, next one. Thank you so much. Oh, well, I gotta get my pussy licked. That's called the glory hole. Just suck a dick and be on my way. Yeah, I guess that's my style. Next one. Thank you so much. Wawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawaw Nice little callback to a poopy baby diaper. Okay, we've come to the time in the podcast where I ask, would either one of you date me?

Yes. You would? I would go on so many dates with you. I think we'd have so much fun. Oh, I think so too. I wanna take you to Disney World. Oh no. I wanna do your makeup.

Oh yes. Yeah, just make you look like a big old, like a fake lady, take you out. I love looking like a fake lady. Honestly, I started wearing these giant lashes just for fun, because I was like, who cares anymore? I don't, I've lost my mind. I'm already wearing a wig, who cares?

I'm contoured. I'm slowly losing my mind. I think you, I think for me the answer is no for two reasons. Your age, you're too young. Oh. You're like some real old. Yeah.

Thank you. And I am a huge narcissist and I don't know that we could maintain. Wow. Like I think we're both too focused on, like. Okay, on career stuff. Or just on like being, like I own up to being a narcissist and I'm like, I need a person who is like pulled back.

Okay. So that I can be. The star of the relationship. Just the star of the relationship. I'm happy not being the star like in real life, but like I realize in conversation, like I always, like I need to be. Interesting. And it took me a while.

I used to be very ashamed of that. But I was like, no, that's the real deal. Everyone should just own their shit. Because I love that in someone else. I'm gagged when someone can just be like, why didn't you have to say the thought that came in your brain? And they're like, well, because it just, I had it and then it fell on and then I'm always like oh my god

Like how do you do that and not say every thought? Mm-hmm? So I find that sexy too. I think we would not work out. What is your hat say? Was your hat say? Bodega? Mine says feminist. How accurate. Very on brand. Yes.

We're all on brand. Where you get a meatball, sub? Bodega. What are you? A faggot. A problem. Oh, no. I wanted to talk to you about prostitutes.

Yes. Oh, have you ever? I have never. I feel like that would be a lovely moment for you. I'm a little concerned about a straight male prostitute having dirty fingernails and not being up to snuff. I think at- I just get concerned.

We gotta go through an agency. The right madam will have a good man in place for you. How much do you think a male prostitute is? Four or $500 for like, that would be for all night. Like, they would stay and you could fuck multiple times. Yes, and then I could cuddle with him and be like, pretend that you love me? No, because you pay for their time, and every decision made on top of that

is between two consenting adults. That's what they say on the websites to make sure that you're not paying for sex. Oh. So, but you get to say sure that you're not paying for sex. But you get to say explicitly what you want. You can make them come over and clean the tub. You can make them change the light bulbs. And you can also do that all ahead of time

because you get their phone number and you'll talk to them and you can say, I want you clean, I want you manicured, I want you to come over, I want you to pretend like we're dating. Come over, ask me about my day. Like we don't have to do small talk. And you're an improviser, so you could go along with that.

I want you to bring me food over, blah, blah, blah. I'll reimburse you for everything. And then you put like the money in the other room, so you don't have to like watch him take your money or anything like that. And then he plays it out exactly as you want it. You say everything you want ahead of time. Maybe I'll ask for that for my birthday. Yes!

I'll ask my friends to get me a prostitute. It's actually such an empowering, like people are like, I don't want to pay for sex. It's a really empowering experience. I don't care about the whole paying for sex thing. I just worry about cleanliness. And you get to choose. You know they got picks?

You could literally pick your dream man. Your scenario could be, honey, I had such a long day, I'm gonna go shower now. Inspect my nails when I'm done. Do you know what I mean? You can literally do whatever you want. I literally paid for a guy to dress up like Superman

and come fuck me. Really? Yeah, girl, I wanted it. It's the Superman on the Hollywood Walk of Fame if you just ask him for special rates. He was hotter than that guy. He was a young, very fit guy, and he was like, I have all these costumes.

And I was like, cool, do you have a Superman or like a Spider-Man? And he did, he came to my hotel, and then he pretended to fly through the window and land. You're coding. No, no, no, no, no, what? Yeah, he pretended to fly through the window and land. So he went, No, no, no, no, no, no, what? Yeah, he pretended to fly through the window. My jaw is dropped again.

I was like, oh, and he was like, I just got away from the crypt tonight. He did like this full act. This isn't real. No, it's real. I have the fucking videos on my phone. And I will send you the videos. It's so good.

And he was very attractive. Did you say call me Lois? No. Oh my god. No, no, no, no, no, none of that. But it was amazing. You were like, I'm Lois' younger brother and we don't have to tell anyone.

I'm Logan. Ew. Logan Lane. Please fuck me. So this man in a Superman costume jumped up and down in front of a window and then said he escaped the kryptonite. He got away from Lex Luthor with the kryptonite.

Did he have a hole in his costume to fuck you, or he had to take a long time to slide out of it? The way the quiz was, was that the briefs came down and it was like a chap situation with the blue. Oh my goodness, what a treat. So he was just in the costume the whole time. But eventually I did make him take it off because I wanted to touch his body.

Oh my god. So you could live out any fantasy you want. Here's the thing about having a very like sexy prostitute who seems like he's living a good life. I feel like I'd be like, is this okay? Are you into me? Am I making you upset? You can't think about that when you're doing it.

Otherwise it like kills it for you. But it's like being a prostitute, sometimes you have to fuck people that you are like not attracted to. Yeah, but that's not in your business. It's their job. I know. To never let you know that if that's the case. And if they do, you could call them out and be like, look, he didn't do his job right.

Or you talk ahead of time. You send photos ahead of time. And you say, I want you to be into this. Oh, OK. Do you know what I mean? And either they will be honest and be like I Like I'm not into this or they'll be like, oh I'm totally into this and they're gonna be really good at their job And there's no way that you'll know that they're not

Okay, do you know what I mean? I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna get a prostitute. You should you should. I'm really excited about this And I gotta tell you like I have a couple friends who are sex workers and I've talked to them about this and I've always said like Something personally that I really enjoy and me Paul makes fun of me for it because a lot of the guys that I date or Like I have a couple friends who are sex workers and I've talked to them about this and I've always said like something personally that I really enjoy and Meepal makes fun of me for it because a lot of the guys that I date, or date. Date, yeah right. The version of dating is.

Your version of dating is like suck a little dick. Yeah exactly. A lot of the guys that I hook up with are older, they don't look traditionally attractive, they're sort of boogers, as we would call them. But to me, something that is erotic is the idea of a person's sexuality. That the dude who you are waiting behind in line

at Trader Joe's has a great dick and grunts a lot when he comes. I'm into that idea. And so a lot of sex workers I know also are into that idea. So they definitely have like a type, but to them just the idea of sex or engaging in someone's sexuality turns them off. Hell, that must be so hard to be that horny all the time.

Right, I also have a fear. And imagine if you're bi too. On top of that. I have a fear of getting a prostitute and then we don't even have sex and we just like talk about our own mortality and then we get into a very deep conversation and then he's like, you know what?

I leave the business. And it's like, but wait, but wait, wait, you're not gonna fuck me. He's like, nope, you open my eyes, goodbye. It's like Pretty Woman, but you're just friends? Yes. Talk about a Hollywood pic. Oh yeah, that's a great movie, girl.

I feel like that would be my luck. I have insane luck like that. You're like, you know what? You just have to stick to the script, you know what I mean? You're right. It's like, honey, hop in the shower and pull that dick out for mama.

Pull that dick out for me. I'm excited for you. Yeah, let us know if this happens. I will. My birthday's in August. Oh yeah. Maybe I'll set up a GoFundMe. Summer fuckfest.

You can donate some money to get me a prostitute. Also, yes, do it. That would be hilarious. I think you'd get Nicole Lay GoFundMe. There's nothing funnier than crowdfunded prostitutes. Yes, truly. Oh boy, thank you guys so much for being here. Yeah.

We've come to an end. Do you guys have anything you want to plug other than your fabulous podcast, Unbearable with Big Dipper and Meatball? Yeah, our podcast is that. Bear is spelled like the animal. Grr. Nicole is on our season two lineup, which is amazing.

Yeah, it's gonna be great. And I'm on Instagram, at Big Dipper Jelly, and my album. And I'm on Instagram at Big Dipper Jelly, and my album- Wait, is your full name Big Dipper Jelly? Have I been doing it wrong? No, no, no, no. It's Big Dipper, and people used to introduce me as The Big Dipper because the constellation.

Uh-huh, oh. But I would always respond, do you say The Lil Wayne? I was really feeling myself when I came up with that. Retort? Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. No, but Big Dipper was taken, so it's Big Dipper Jelly. Oh, okay.

But it's like the jelly, I'm explaining too much. Yeah, my Instagram is at spiciestmeatball, that's it. Yeah, and- Oh, go watch my videos on Hornet, which is an app. And Meatball made a smash hit song called I'm A Top. Called I'm A Top, so go watch that video too on my YouTube. And it's great, and it's produced by you, right?

Yeah, I produced it, directed it, wrote it, scheduled it, got the guys there on time, made my assistant work for him, it was great. I love it. I did it all. What are your real names? Logan. Dan.

Huh. How wild! I would never have thought that you were Logan and Dan. I told someone Logan's full real name. Logan Tyler Jennings. And they were like, really? Does he have white parents? Yes, I was just thinking that.

Oh, you do? I do have white parents. I was adopted by white people. There you go. They were like, he may be brown, but in his name, he'll be white. Logan Tyler Jennings. Which is, I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I was adopted by white people. There you go. They were like, he may be brown, but in his name, he'll be white. Logan, Tyler, Jimmy!

Honestly, smart, because if you had a traditional route and you were interviewing for something, they wouldn't know you were brown till you rolled on in. That's exactly right. Parents are smart. I do just want to say that that conversation you had with Mono about your mother and your names and the way,

all of that was so fascinating. And really. Yeah, it's a lot of what black people do is in response to how they've been treated. Right. It's, yeah, my mother was alive during segregation and shit. And my aunts were. and like the stories they tell are insane.

Like I was reading this thing where this has nothing to do with dating or anything, but like to train people to like protest and march and stuff, they would blow smoke in each other's faces and like spit at them so that they wouldn't respond, yeah, and pull each other's hair so they like wouldn't respond negatively. And I was like, what a wild thing to do while you're not getting fucked!

I mean, come on! The queen of circling back to the topic? There you go, back to the fuck fuck, yeah! It got so serious. It did, and you gotta make it light. Okay, if you like my podcast, please leave a review. Rate it, leave a review, and if you leave something nasty, I'll read it.

This person, Gompi, on Monday said I want you inside me. What is that? What are you fucking playing? It's a video of Superman, I'm sorry. I was showing you the video of the Superman guy. Why show me when you should be in the show in a call? Yeah, show me. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right.

Good lord, duh. Here you go, he's giving me a lot in this one. Oh! Ah! He's like in a full Superman costume. Did he take his dick out yet? No, and I love, what did he say? Smell my what?

Oh god, I don't know, but there's his, oh there it is! Popped it out. Yes, jerk it, jerk it! He's very handsome. I know, right? I'm here for that. I paid $300 for him. $300 doesn't seem like that much money.

No, it's not, especially when it's like, he's fully into it. I love it. Oh, here's something that someone sent me in my DMs. I wanna use your slit as an eraser to fix my math homework and then I'll screw up my homework so much that your pussy is raw. And I'm pissed as hell.

So I give up on my assignments and stress eat cupcakes that are frosted with your dripping wet pussy lips. And then they were, clit not slit, so sorry. I was just gonna ask, is slit like dirty talk? No, they meant clit, and that's not the pepper on Instagram. I think I said I would say their names. And then another person said, that's what you're looking for,

you've been talking about creative. I definitely love it. This is Joan Chalada, Hinn a lot of stuff. And then another person said, That's what you're looking for. That's what I'm looking for. You've been talking about creative. I definitely love it. This is Joan Chalada. Hinnacle, great podcast. I'd wear your puss on my face like Bane's mask. Have a good day. Ha ha ha ha.

Have a good day. I genuinely think it's so funny to be nasty. Okay, thanks for listening. Bye bye. Thanks for listening, bye bye!