Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Body Positivity (w/ Tess Holliday)

Episode Date: April 20, 2018

Tess Holliday is a plus sized model who's attracted some creepy Instagram DMs. She's on the show to discuss body positivity, Nicole's latest Tinder failures, and the troubles of Skype sex. You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedy Be sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air. Follow Nicole Byer: Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdates Twitter: @nicolebyer Instagram: @nicolebyer Facebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Oh boy! I'm Nicole Byer and this is Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out why I'm single even though I'll let you titty fuck me even though I don't enjoy it. My guest today is a model. She's beautiful. She's wonderful.

I met her on the Steve Harvey show. She's modeled for H&M. She's done runway stuff. show. She's modeled for H&M. She's done runway stuff. She's got a book called The Not-So-Subtle Art of Being a Fat Girl. Loving the skin and you're in Tess Holliday! Boop, boop, boop! I can't even follow

that. I'm just sitting over here like I need more caffeine. I'm mind blown. Hi. Hi, hi, hi. Truly, this is like my base level. I can get wilder. Thanks for having me. I'm really excited. It's good to see you under less stressful circumstances. Yes. We first met on the Steve Harvey show. It was called the Curvy Hour. And the only reason why I said yes to it is because the way it was pitched to me, they're like, okay, so Steve is doing a curvy hour and it's going to be you and a curvy panel and then

an audience of curvy women. And I was like, there's going to be an audience of fat women. They're just going to go out and find fat women. How did they ask that? What was the breakdown for it? Like, I'm so sorry. You can't come today. It's for the fat women. And I was like, that is so funny. So I was like, I have to do this. That's the only reason why I did women. And I was like, that is so funny. So I was like, I have to do this. That's the only reason why I did it. Because I was like, I can't wait to see a sea of fat ladies who are just like Steve. Um, you know, I wish it would have been a little bit more positive than it was. But I definitely think that you were literally only the highlight of of my trip and the pizza so uh yeah but uh you know i guess that was the good part of it yeah they got us lum luminati's pizza which is chicago

style deep dish oh baby if you're in chicago you better taste it so good uh yeah it was interesting because um because i've done the curvy panel twice now because I was like, I have to go back. That was wild. Girl, I didn't get a call back. Not after the side eye he gave me was edited out. But I was not asked. Well, I think it's because men don't really love being told you're wrong. No.

And he had a little bit of like antiquated views on body positivity. And you were like the forefront of body positivity, which I love. You have a hashtag F your beauty standards and people accuse you of promoting obesity, which is like the most insane thing in the world. Because what does that mean? I feel like you promote you have a body. You're in it. Love it. A hundred percent. I even wrote in my book. So in my book, I feel like you promote, you have a body, you're in it, love it. A hundred percent. I even wrote in my book, so in my book, I have like Tess Holliday's advice for life. And one of them is saying that I promote obesity is like saying that Stevie Wonder promotes blindness because it's like, it's who I am. Like, why is that? Why is the fact that I'm saying love yourself and it's coming from a fat body why

does that equal that I'm like recruiting people like Tupperware to like become fat you know I'm just saying like love yourself it's god it's so basic but people just make it into you know it's just blanketed by their own shit so it's really hard but um we have people like you to break it down I'm trying appreciate it it took me a long time to get to loving the body I was in. Like, my parents passed away, and I had all their stuff in storage, and I had some of my stuff from New York in storage. And I was recently in Jersey, where the unit is, and I was going through old pictures,

and there's a literal picture of me in a pool fully clothed. Also, I'm like 75 pounds lighter than I am now. And I was like, ooh, I wish I could go back in time and be like, bitch, you gonna get bigger. Just take it all off. Get in the pool.

Live your fucking life. Oh, that's so real. I look back at photos of, it's like, God, this is so white of me, but it's the song where it's Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen. It's by Baz Luhrmann.

So he says, you'll look back at photos of yourself and realize you weren't as fat as you imagined. But when I was a teenager, I hated myself. And I was like, I wish that I could have been like 160 pounds ago been like, your life is good. You can love yourself now, which is why we do what we do now, which is why we're like, love yourself. Because if you can love the body you're in it might not take you gaining 160 pounds like me to love to love your body so oh goodness gracious okay there's just more to love now yeah just a little bit more you could hide things in my rolls whatever uh when i was younger when i

first started having sex i would always have sex in the dark i would always have a t-shirt on it was truly like having sex through like a fucking hole in a sheet. I was like, don't touch me. Don't touch my body. Just fuck it. Just fuck the hole. And that is such an insane thing to think now. Now I'm like lights on.

I don't fucking care. You're going to see all of this. I'm going to shake it. I don't fucking care. My husband was the first person that I had sex with with the lights on. Really? In all of the people that I am like all the people that I slept with. He was the first one that I had the lights off and he got up and he turned the lights on. And he's like, no, I was like, I want to see you. I'm like, that's weird. Why?

Why do you want to see me? And now I can't imagine like going back to that. You know, I missed out on I mean, we have good sex now, but I just think like all that sex I missed out on in the beginning. Yeah, it's crazy. It's so insane to think I have like a joke about how you're not thinner in the dark. So it literally doesn't make sense to turn off the lights because it's truly not like a guy's going to touch me and be like, oh, I'm so glad I'm fucking a tiny person. No, he knows you're a big bitch. He likes it. That's why he's there. And my mother used to say that. She was like, if a boy likes you, he's going to like you and all of you. You know, men are, they're visual monsters. They like what they see. If they're going to fuck you, they like what you got. A hundred percent%. So you've been with Nick for six years. I have, yeah.

And you guys did not meet on a dating app. You guys met on Tumblr. We met on Tumblr. He saw photos of me and he thought that I was cute and he liked what I was doing. And he messaged me and he said, I love how you inspire other women. And I was really, I had just gotten out of a a relationship that I mean, we're still friends, but it just wasn't the best fit for us. But so I was like thirsty. And I saw I saw his photo. And he's very pretty. Thank you. He's just a pretty man. Very, very pretty. Our baby looks

just like him. He's such a pretty baby. But yeah, I saw a photo of him and I was like, there's no way because I was still working through my own insecurities and like I was still trying to figure out who I was and I hadn't quite loved my body at that point. And so when I saw his photo, I was like, there's no way that this hot dude is messaging me. And look, his message was, I love how you inspire other women. And I literally messaged him back. And I said, thank you. By the way, my jaw hit the floor when I saw you because you're hot. Like it was an I didn't hold back at all, which is so like I would do that now if I was single. But then it was so just like out of character. So, yeah, very thirsty. I like that you saw him and you were like i just gotta fucking tell him

that he's cute because he is cute because i remember i i think you were modeling for domino's dollhouse yeah i don't think it's a company anymore it was a plus size company yeah and that was the first time i saw you and i was like damn wow this woman is a she's a can i say fat yeah yeah well that's in my book title so please okay well sometimes you say it and like people's faces change and I'm like oh you don't know I was literally in the doctor yesterday with with Nick and the receptionist was like oh you look you look really familiar and I said thanks and she was she was plus size she was fat and I said something about being fat and she goes oh no no girl we're fluffy no no no and I said and I because I said

yeah you can be fluffy but I'm fat I'm fluffy I'm a lot of stuff so it's it's funny like the the face that people make when I call myself fat like it's just it's complete shock yeah I would joke about that because when I call myself fat uh because I I started working on fat material maybe like a year and a half ago, and every time I would start, I couldn't figure out how to get into it because I would say, I'm fat, and then without fail,

someone in the audience would go, aww, and I'd be like, don't do that. I don't feel bad for myself. I literally said it with a smile and I'm wearing a crop top. Like, do you think I'm sad? I would be wearing a little parka. I would overdress. I'm literally right now, you can, do you think I'm sad? I would be wearing a little parka. I would overdress.

I'm literally right now, you can't see it because it's a podcast, but I'm wearing a lace see-through dress with titties out because I don't fucking care. She is. I love it. And I used to cover my arms,

which is an insane thing. I was like, I guess if there's a sleeve, they won't know. Well, I was that way too. When I moved to LA, I would literally wear cardigans every single day because I was so ashamed of my arms.

And you have big arms like me. Yes, girl. We've got big arms. Yes, girl. And when, like, it's so, it was so hard for me to break through that. But really, I was fucking hot. Like, tired of melting. And so I stopped leaving the cardigans.

And I literally don't own any cardigans at all now. It's life changing when you finally embrace your body. I got to a point where I was like, wait, if I'm wearing a cardigan and I'm wearing, you know, like head to toe, I'm covered. I think they can still see me. You just become like grimace. Like you're just a shape. You're like a shape that's fully covered. Yeah. Had you ever like messaged a dude online? Men message you all the time, yes? Yeah, I get a ton of messages now.

Prior to that, I did online dating because I was a single mom and I didn't go to bars. I had no way of meeting guys. So I was on, well, I tried eHarmony, but let me tell you, girl, the religious aspect was difficult, but also at the time, I tried eHarmony, but let me tell you, girl, the religious aspect was difficult.

But also at the time I was 20, I was 23, 24, and it kept matching me with like 26 year old ministers or people in the army. And they just like weren't really my type. You know what I mean? Like there was a lot of fat phobia coming and I just, it was difficult. So I kept trying to raise my age because I wanted an older man. And look, long story short,

eHarmony didn't work. I tried OkCupid, which is how I met my last boyfriend before Nick, which he was good, but we're just, we weren't compatible, but it was hard because I, I have a smaller face.

And so it's the thing where people are like, I'm fatter in real life. So I would meet up with people. I would have photos of myself that were full-bodied. And guys would be like, wow, you're fatter than I thought you were. Good lord. And I'd be like, dope. Well, I guess I'm not going to see you again. So that's where we'd usually – I would message these guys. I would meet up and then they would dump me.

And keep in mind, one of the guys I talk about in my book picked me up and had to breathe into his breathalyzer to start the truck from his first DUI offense, he said. What a treat. What a treat of a person to be like, I'm fucked up, but your fatness? I know. That's that bad. That's a real deal breaker. So yeah, he never saw me again. And I thought, I'm not the fucked up one in this part. I mean, to me, fat's not an insult. But someone going, oh, you're fatter than I thought is the same thing as like, oh, you're uglier than I thought. Or same thing as like, oh, you're uglier than I thought. Or like, I don't know why people need to say everything they're thinking out loud. I was on eHarmony for never.

So I answered the entire questionnaire, which was weird. It was so weird. Because they would re-ask you the same question just in like different iterations. And then they rejected me. Oh, girl. They said i was part of the two percent of unmatchable people and this is like back in the day where like i didn't i couldn't screenshot anything because i had a fucking dell computer but like i got that i was

like oh my god and i showed it to my roommate at the time and she just laughed and laughed and that's like stuck with me i I have not been able to find anybody you need to write a book and the title needs to be unmatchable I'm saying it now because that's so funny speaking into existence I am and I know that like the more I talk about it the more I'm like oh okay I am a tough sell I'm fat I'm. I'm fat. I'm black. I work a lot. I have long hours. I travel a lot. I have my own money. I don't need anybody financially. That's kind of a hard sell. A lot of dudes want to take care of you. It's funny that you say that because three of my good friends that happen to be in the same

category as everything that you're saying, I always think, why are they single? Like my friend Ivory, fat, black, stylish, has her own money, social worker, travels, takes solo vacations all the time, still single. And I'm like, how is this possible? Because I'd like to me, I'm like, if I was a lesbian and single, I would scoop you up in two seconds. And I think obviously men are intimidated by strong women. And I think the fatness, you know, I think there's still in our society, even though it's been shown that men in America are more sexually attracted and favor bigger women. Really?

I think it's like 54%. Yeah, there's a ton of surveys and stuff that have been done where men are, and the porn searches, the porn searches in America are all like, it's like the higher favorite and plus size. So I think it's because people are ashamed and embarrassed to admit that they're, you know, sexually attracted to plus size women. Do you remember, it wasn't super long ago, but a man made an Instagram post where he was like, I love my curvy wife. But you saw that i got in a fight with him no girl i went viral

getting a fight with that fool i missed that yeah i did i didn't mean to cut you off no no please tell me um i basically said that why are we why are we giving trophies to mediocre white men on doing stuff that they should already be doing like because the thing is and people were like that's not fair because your husband is you know a skinny white guy saying he loves you know he posts photos saying he loves you and I go yeah but it was the language and the way that he did it that wasn't appropriate and like and to be honest both of them were mad at me. And then they were on the news about it.

And literally everyone was asking me, why would you do that? And they were like, God, you're such a bully test for doing that. And it really made me upset. And I realized, obviously, I have more work to do. If women are just so easily fawning over a dude saying all that stuff about his wife, it's like, of course you love her and you're attracted to her. You married her. And like all of the comparisons he was doing about her body and how she'll never be on

the body like hers will never be on the cover of magazines. But I still love her. And I was like, bitch, bodies like hers have been on the covers of magazines. Me and like at least 15 other people like her name. She wasn't big? No. I mean, she's like average. I thought.

Yeah. I mean, she falls into the spectrum of plus size, but it's not like he's dating, you know, like I just thought that it was. I mean, for God, it grosses me out. It was just so self congratulatory. Oh, absolutely. And he wanted a pat on the back and a trophy. And it justes me out. It was just so self-congratulatory. Oh, absolutely. And he wanted a pat on the back and a trophy. And it just, it bothered me. And people can think I'm mean or a bully or whatever. But I feel like it's my, if I'm going into that realm of body

positivity and loving yourself and talking about like healthy relationships and all, like all of the stuff I use my platform for, I have to call out out stuff like that and I didn't do it in a mean way I just think that it's important that we say like hey like this is not something that you you want in a partner that's going to to do stuff like this you can have someone that dotes on you and like thinks you're bomb but like not like that I would be so embarrassed yeah if my partner made a public post about how awful other people thought my body was, but he just loves it so much he don't know why. I would be like, can you not ever do that again? I don't even know what that conversation would be. I'd be like, you gotta go.

I know. It's a strange – it's like – it also goes back to Plessy's women taking crumbs, you know? Like, we just – I mean, look, I love cookies and crumbs. I'll take them all. But I'm saying, like, when it comes to people loving yourself and your body and images you're seeing in media and all of this, like, we just have to stop taking, like, crumbs. Like, I don't know. To me, it rubbed me the wrong way, obviously, and I'm very vocal about stuff like that. I like that you're very vocal. I like that you – because you, like, very much, like, interact with your fans and you

are constantly, like, posting things. I don't – like, you're just very good at social media. Okay, well, I can teach you. I love you know, I love social media because I wouldn't be sitting here. I mean, with you, because I wouldn't have my career. I wouldn't. How did you I'm sure you get asked this all the time, but I know you started your career on a modeling website. Yes.

Well, yeah, I had photos of myself on Model model mayhem which was basically and i think still is now used for guys to pick up girls and like just skeezy guys that say they're photographers that live in their moms like yes come to my fucking hut and i'll fucking shoot you and you're like no thank you yeah and i need you topless on my dirty bed. These photos are going to change your life. I shot it. I shot at this guy's house off of the 405 freeway. Okay. I go in and I thought like I had all, it was before I started professionally modeling, but you know, I'm trying to be a model. I'm out here hustling.

It's LA. I go into this house and his mom answers the door. She's watching TV and he's like, oh yeah, upstairs. So I go upstairs. His mom doesn't even bat an eyelash. And the guy's like, I need you to take off your shirt. And like, you can be, yeah, upstairs. So I go upstairs. His mom doesn't even bat an eyelash. Oh, no. And the guy's like, I need you to take off your shirt. And, like, you can be topless, but you can leave this on.

And, like, I did it. And I was, like, covered. But I felt really weird. His bed was dirty. There was, like, empty, like, Top Ramen containers everywhere. And anyways, long story short, like, he's still out there. I saw one of his photos the other day. The saddest thing is you're not the only person with that story.

Being a woman trying to break it in truly any form of entertainment, people just want to take advantage of you because you're naive. And you don't know that it's not right to go to a man's house and go to his room and take your, like, you don't know that. Because you're like, well, I don't know. How does anyone start how do i've like met with dudes who are like oh i can do x y and z for you and i get there and i'm like oh this is fucking shady 100 this one guy uh i met him on the street he was like you're beautiful have you ever thought about modeling and i was like i'm too fat to model he's like no this is specifically for model or bigger models and i was like oh okay and he hands me this card that says bustybabydolls.com and he's like you don't have to go to the website to check anything out we can just set up an appointment for you to do some modeling

and I was like oh okay so I made the appointment and I was like on my way to go and something told me it was like look at the website see what bustybabydolls.com is girl it was full-on porn just like big black women getting fucking railed and i was like oh i was like what would have happened when i got there yeah this man have like he probably would have talked me into doing a porn and then it would have been something to haunt me for the rest of my life i might i may or may not be sitting here right now who knows who knows i could could be like fucking murdered or like whatever. Okay. We have to take a quick break.

But when we come back, we'll keep talking. And we're back. What a dream of a break. Okay. What were you talking about? Black woman getting railed. Yes. The last thing that you

said the last thing oh my goodness i'm always saying something wild i'm so glad my publicist didn't come to this with me because she would be in the corner in the fetal position screaming i my publicist a lot of times i see her cringing and she'll be like oh boy but after like working with them for a while they're like that's just that's her that's my yes mine does the same thing now I'll get the eye roll or I'll get the mom like look and then you know it's good but

but yeah okay I want you to look at my tinder page and I want you to tell me what you think I can change if you just straight up like it uh and then as you go through it just like describe it because it's a podcast okay but what i want to know is do you get recognized on tinder like do people like as a celeb um p.s i have this shirt and i will never part with it. I love it. ASOS. Yeah, it's the ASOS monster.

It looks like it's eating your boobs. So sorry. Do you get recognized on? Sometimes. Sometimes I get recognized more times than more times. I don't get recognized because my my demographic isn't like 20 year old, 30 year old men. It's a lot of teenage girls or like young ladies. But yeah, I first of all love

this photo of you climbing the bookcase because i think that that's very uh that's very good i also like that you say i got a fat ass so if you're not into it bye no i i love it down to figure skater fuck that. That's really funny. Thank you. I would be lost in this dating world. Like I've never used Tinder or like any kind of app because, well, it all started after I was in a relationship. You're right. You've missed out.

I have. Let me tell you something. It's awful. It's the fucking worst. I've heard nothing but horror stories especially i mean i've had a few friends that have ended up married from tinder but uh you know i know that it's a hard world out there because it's uh people are sketchy and you know i guess if you want something more than a hookup which is cool too if that's all you want i've been on

tinder i think for maybe two years, three years. I don't know. I don't know how long it's been around. But I've only had like three nice dates where like I went on another date with a person. Out of how many dates have you? So many. Oh my God. So many dates.

But also I went through a real ho phase where I was like, yeah, I just need to get deep dicked. So I would just have dudes come to my house. I'd be like, you fuck me and then you leave. And then some guys like want to hang out. And I'm like, do you not get what a booty call is? Like fucking leave. My friend, I don't want to.

Well, I'm just going to call her out. Ashley in New York. She's like this tiny little thing. She uses it and she uses it just for recreational purposes, just for sex and loves it. But I do sometimes think like, you know, how hard it would be to find if you want like a committed, monogamous relationship. It's very, very hard. And then I do have like a big old dildo in one picture. I miss that.

Oh, you do? It's in the monster picture. Girl, I was so mesmerized by our matching T-shirt that I missed. picture so i missed that oh you did where is it it's in the monster picture girl i didn't i was so mesmerized by our matching t-shirt that i missed we probably have so many matching clothing because probably there's no clothes for fat ladies no nothing cute what i've resorted to is um i buy uh things that are smaller with a fuller skirt and then have someone cut the bottom off and add it to the body part. That's smart. Yeah, and then that way I have things that nobody else has.

I love it. You got to. You have to be creative as a fat lady. I had some girl, she was like, where do you shop? And I was like, honestly, everywhere. Spandex is your friend, and you have to put it on. Like, I was wearing a dress yesterday that was a medium but it was like a giant trapeze dress and i was like oh yes i'm here for this

okay so i last night was just cruising on tinder and i matched with this guy named drew drew is can you see drew i can drew muscles. Drew's on the beach. Drew loves his body and his profile. He's 29. He says, let's work out together. Make meal plans, acro yoga, God, actor, director, cinematographer. And you guys matched? Yes.

I couldn't believe it. I'm not trying to judge you, but my brain exploded. I swiped right because I was like, I have to see if we match. And then we did match. And then I was like, okay, I'm going to send him a message. So I have to see if we match and then we did match and then I was like okay I'm gonna send him a message so I wrote meal prep yoga and god you fuck he hasn't responded and then I matched with this guy named Zach a while ago and he keeps like just messaging me intermittently and then he he was like let's get together sometime December 14th then January 20th

he goes what's your number so I wrote 8 and he said cool I was like I'm not giving you my phone number I don't fucking know you

everyone's trash so but do you feel you're not giving him your phone number but do you feel you feel comfortable with him coming over to your house

cause see that would weird me out well I figure if I meet someone in the bar and I bring them to my house, what's the difference if I bring someone from Tinder to my house? True, true. That's a good point. And now I have a security system in my house.

So, like, if you're going to break in, an alarm and ADT will come and save me? I don't know. But, yeah, I guess it is. At first when I was like oh I'm just gonna fuck these dudes I was like is this gross is this bad but then I was like I don't know like I've slept with strangers from bars and never spoken to them again yeah same I get it I feel like I it's hard I because I'm a mom uh and I'm not saying that judgy because it sounded judgy because i was like mom uh yeah my son my older son's 12 and my other son is almost two and i can't so i kind of

missed like a hoe phase that a lot of my friends went because i was 20 with a kid so i didn't really like bring people to my house and do all of that until my son was old enough to like stay at his grandparents or whatever. So but I mean, I get it because when I was when I was single and a teenager, I did so many things that I'm surprised that I'm still alive or I don't have like 20 STDs. So yeah, I was very reckless in my younger days. I yeah, I it's wild that I'm pretty good right now. Yeah, I just, dating is so, you're very lucky you don't have to do it. But, oh, have you, do you know what Riot is?

No. I'm like obsessed with Riot. What is it? Riot is like Tinder, but for semi-famous people and Instagram models. Okay, I have heard of this. Now that you said it, someone, one of my friends is on it and actually, well, okay, she hooks up with someone from a boy band or former boy band. What a dream!

But, like, it's funny because I didn't believe her and I was like, you have to text him because I want to see. And she texts him and he texts back with, who is this? And she was like, well, he has like four different phones. And I was like, I get it. It's fine. Like, whatever. That's so funny that she's like, oh, yeah, I'll prove it to you. And he's like, who the fuck this?

And she's like, he's got a lot of phones. I was crying. But yeah, that's strange, too. And it's funny you said Instagram models, because that's a whole nother world of Instagram's funny. You know, Instagram's very interesting. Social I think people are so focused on everything being perfect online that they forget about actually working on themselves in real life, which I'm sure you notice through dating and all of that where you're like you were much more appetizing on an app than in real life. Oh, yeah. I've been on dates with dudes where I'm like, ugh, your fingernails are long and gross, but you look pretty well groomed online. I hate long fingernails. It's so funny that you said that. It's so gross. Because I'm like, okay, if you finger me, men are like not great with hygiene. Some of them aren't. And it's like you probably have dirt under there. I don't want to have to get a tetanus shot before you finger me. Okay?

Oh, my God. So gross. So, uh, can you tell me about like DMS that you got? Cause I'm cause you have like, how many followers do you have on Instagram? Like I have one point a girl. I don't have that many, but thank you. Bless you, Jesus. I have, I have 1.5 million followers. To me, that's 10 million. That's so many. That's so many. I also lose a lot, you know, because I'm a big mouth, but I don't care. Bye. I get a ton of DMs a day, and I would say it's half and half. Like, half of it is just women saying that they're inspired by me or they want it. Mostly, they want modeling advice, which is cool.

I don't typically respond to them because of google you know and I mean but if I see someone that genuinely like I feel like is going through something or or whatever I will reach out to them then I have a ton of men I don't really get women sliding in my DMs like in a sexual manner. Mostly men. I had to actually disable. I had my Snapchat open to where anyone could message me because I like getting messages from my fans and I like interacting

with them. But not when I open a video and someone's just jerking right off into it. And like also my husband and I, like my husband's queer, which is a lot of fun because I can. Okay. I'm not up on things. What does queer mean? So queer is that basically he's attracted to anyone and everyone regardless of like of their like.

So he's attracted to he used to say that he was like pansexual or bi okay so they've changed it now so queer is just kind of like a blanket encompassing yeah so he's attracted to basically everyone regardless of how they were assigned at birth and all kinds of stuff oh okay i feel like that falls under bi. I don't know. I feel like sexuality is so polarizing. It is. Because everyone's so obsessed with labels.

So you could say his fluid is fluid. Which is funny because when I met him, I didn't, I guess I just like, I thought about it, but I kind of dismissed it as well because, I not dismissed it I kind of just put it in the back of my head because he liked me I liked him and I didn't really care that he had been with men before or was attracted to whoever because it didn't bother me my mom it bothered a lot I feel like older people are just like I don't get it why can't you pick I don't know why that's my old person voice. I love it. Thank you. But I think it's hard for people to understand that my husband is queer and that we're in a monogamous married relationship.

Because they're like, well, if he's attracted to men or whoever, then how can he be with you? And it's like I, you know, for a long time considered myself heterosexual. But I think that I'm my husband likes to joke that I'm straightish because like I'm I'm obviously like I think that women are beautiful and I think that basically anyone is beautiful and I can find attraction in anyone it doesn't necessarily mean that I could be in a relationship with them or whatever but um you know i think that i think that we're all a little you know i agree i think everyone is just i think we need to like just not have labels anymore i agree and just be like i don't know i'm just gonna love who i love and like whatever because i was watching porn

like two nights ago and it was like a circle jerk on this woman and i was like what's gayer than that like getting all your dicks out with your buddies and like jerking off to the same girl like that to me that was pretty gay like i mean truly at one point she had two dicks in her mouth and i was like so you're touching your friend's dick but like i'm sure like they look like those people who would just be like uh no homo but we go fuck her together joke about that all the time pretty gay it is and i think a lot of like we were talking about this too last night my husband and i like uh there's the show that my son loves called impractical jokers he's obsessed with it where they play practical jokes on people so one of they they

had to do a challenge where the guy had to get in a wrestling rink with a professional wrestler and i told my husband god wrestling is so gay so homoerotic so good but the amount of people that watch wrestling and are in it would be like oh no no i'm not gay i'm not into that and it's like football's pretty gay all of them all of them, all of the sports. I mean, like soccer. Soccer's not gay. No, no, it's not. Well, I guess, yeah, you're doing a little footwork.

You're dancing around a field. But, you know, I just think like – so, yeah, I mean, I think through body positivity and learning how to love myself, it made me kind of like open my worldview, I guess, a bit on like people and realize that like we all have our own shit. And it made it easier for me to love other people like through loving myself, which sounds really lame, but it's true. It's very true because it's RuPaul says if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else? Can I get an amen? It's so true because if you don't love you, then how are you bringing all of you to a relationship? 100%.

So I think that's where the sexuality and like all of that comes into play where I was able to, you know, kind of – I never thought growing up in a Southern Baptist household – I mean, I'm not anymore. But I'm saying like that I would be married to someone who I am and like have the viewpoints on the world I do. But, you know, my husband and I say in regards to the DMs, like, why can't you wash it before you're sending a photo of it, you know, or like clip your nails or do a cute background. So we go through all the time and critique them where I'm like, you know, I just like wish that people put more thought into them, which is probably why I'm married to my husband

because his looked like 60s gay porn. And I was like, I'm marrying you right now. So did you guys send like naked pictures to each other? Yeah, we did. So he's from Australia, right? He is. So how long were you dating online before you actually met? 10 months.

Wow. That's a fucking long time. It was. Well, I was supposed to go to Australia for work and the job fell through and I called him devastated. This was in September of 2012. And he asked me, do you want to like date? Do you want to like be exclusive and date?

And so I was now dating a person I had never met. I already knew that I loved him. And so he came. He saved his. When did you know you loved him? Pretty early on. I think like we, I mean, we talked all the time and he was, he was in a relationship when we met and it was towards the end of the relationship and he broke up with her

and we started talking and there was just, I mean, I think probably like two or three months into talking that I knew that I loved him. And I, and I actually was thinking of like, this is who I would want to marry. And it's weird because you've never even met the person. And I had all these feelings for someone. So when I told my mom, he was coming to visit me and like stay in my home, which see now I'm judging. I was like to visit me and, like, stay in my home, which, see, now I'm judging. I was, like, judging you earlier. He came and stayed in my home with my – he was – my older son was five at the time for six weeks. That's a long time for an initial meeting.

It was, and it did not go well. Really? No. well. Really? No, we I talk about it in my book. And and because I felt like it was important to be honest with people that I didn't know how to be loved. I had never had anyone like want to see my body. I had never had anyone want to to be intimate with me. The like Nick is the first person that I have had sex with more than two or three times, like the same partner. So I didn't know anything about that world. I mean, because most of my sexual encounters had been one night stands because that's all

that guys were giving a fat girl. I'm in the same boat currently. I haven't, there's one person in my life that I've had sex with more than three times and he's bad it's hard it's hard like how do you develop as a person and like even sexually if you're you know you're not given a chance

so yeah a thing I'm working on right now in therapy is hugs like I you gave me a very good hug well that's different like hugs with a man that I'm sleeping with because to me hugging and cuddling is more intimate than sex yeah like I used to get very drunk and like hook up with dudes and then be like I don't cuddle I don't do hugs you fuck me now and my therapist was like we have we have to work on that when i said that to her

and uh i've just been trying to be more open with people and trying to like really like when i hug someone like think of like how it makes me feel it makes me feel happy so like hugging a man i just slept with should in theory make me happy then i was, have I ever slept with anyone I like? I don't think so. Yeah. No, it's it's I can honestly say that, which I feel like maybe I'm useless on your podcast. You're not. The other podcast I did, the the other person had or the one I did last week was newly single. So he was heartbroken. And I was like, yeah, my relationship has taught me so much. You know, just rubbing it in their face. They're newly single. No, I like this.

I like learning about. Okay. Oh, I have a question. So you talked for 10 months. Yeah. You FaceTimed. We FaceTimed. We Skyped.

We did. Texting. All that. Calls. Skype texts. Do you think. Ooh. Do you.

How does that work? You just prop the computer up and you know just like talk to each other through yeah is it hot is it good it was yeah and i do miss it sometimes like when we travel sometimes like when we travel mostly together because him and i work together but when we travel apart we still try to do stuff like that because you have to especially when you're in a long-term relationship keep it spicy yeah but i will tell you what was awkward when the internet connection would drop out you'd be like it got very awkward there you are alone in your room with a fucking

vibrator in your pussy going why is the wi-fi forsaking me it was so embarrassing i'll never forget we got i was in vegas he was in australia because we did long distance for 10 months i mean 10 months three years before he moved over three years so i got really good at all this so i got a i was in vegas i was staying at my friend's house and i was like i'm gonna have a date night with nick we planned it i got a room at the cosmopolitan hotel really cute room i had lingerie and i go to call him and the internet's not working this isn't the cosmopolitan hotel like this is like an expensive vegas hotel that's cute and gorgeous i had it come up i'm in a nightie i have all these people coming trying to fix it

nick's like being so supportive and nice three hours still not working so we just decided to call each other and be like okay I love you I'm sorry we'll try it again I was devastated so you know the internet like I need the connections to be strong the wi-fi to be strong very funny to be like it you need to fix this I was so bad I know exactly I was just eating M&Ms from the mini bar and being so sad about life here's a question do you think being long distance and not having met him for so long created a false sense of intimacy? So that when you met him, you kind of had to backtrack because you had gotten ahead of it? No.

But I think like it helped me familiarize myself with him. I don't know. Maybe it did. I never thought of it that way. I think the part that I had a hard time with was, I don't know. Maybe it did. I never thought of it that way. I think the part that I had a hard time with was, I don't know, maybe it did. Because I had a really hard time accepting that this person in front of me, like he's much better looking in real life than online. And so he was like so handsome and he smelled so good. I remember all this stuff when I first met

him. And I'm like, in my head, because I had such low self-esteem, I was like, how is this guy into me? And how does he want to be with me? And so it took probably the first five weeks of his trip of us, I was so mean to him. Really? Yeah. So you were just putting up a wall to be like,

in case you hurt me on this trip, I'll hurt you first. And I was working still. I was still, I wasn't self working still I was still I wasn't self-employed so I wasn't modeling full-time so I was doing like makeup at Mac and I was also working in a dental office and I took on extra shifts at Mac so I wouldn't be home with him wow it was really mean and it wasn't until like a week before he left that it clicked with me and I was like wait this guy's leaving back to Australia I don't know what's happening like obviously we were together but like I mean it and so i didn't see him again after he left for another 10 months

because money we were both broke but also i think it was just like i didn't really leave him wanting to run exactly all the way back here did he ever bring up that you seem distant or mean and oh yeah like on like afterwards or during no during the trip he mentioned it but I think he was just like really sad and it's funny because now if I even like make him mad or anything he'll like snap and let me know real quick but then like I think like how did he like he hit it really well. And he would tell me in really like soft ways. But he was quite disappointed at my behavior. Well, it's very interesting to me to date someone for 10 months without seeing them and like hearing like because phone cadence is different than in person. For sure.

And FaceTime, all that's different than like actually being there with the person and it feels like it was 10 months of time getting to know someone but then you had to get to know them again yeah because people are different in person I'm still doing it I mean uh we spent three years dating and we've lived together next month will be three years that he's lived in the U.S. mean, you're still like, I mean, I think we're still trying to figure it out. And we're still like learning stuff about each other and like annoying the shit out of each other. That's relationships. But it's weird to think back at a time where I felt unlovable and I felt like someone wouldn't

love me because of my size. Because now I can't even fathom that like I don't want I mean if he the only way that he's getting rid of me is if he dies so if he if he dies tomorrow and let's say like however long down the track I start dating I mean I don't know this is hypothetical but I can't picture going back to that person I was and like you. Like my dating profile would be just as outspoken as that saying like I'm fat. Deal with it. This is what I like.

Yeah. When I first started online dating, my first profile was on OkCupid. I had a lot of face shots, a lot of like camera high, chin down, hide the second chin. And then I never met up with anyone from OkCupid when I was on it in New York. But like had I, people would have been like, whoa. A hundred percent. You are truly misrepresenting yourself. Because I was like 75 pounds smaller.

So then my face was like, I have a pretty, I have a photogenic face. I look good in pictures. Same. And then if I like tilt down, like I, it's like, like, I have a pretty, I have a photogenic face. I look good in pictures. Same. And then if I, like, tilt down, like, it's like, ooh, that's a thin woman. That woman might be a little thick, but, like, she looks thin. And it's like, you can't, you got to show that whole body, yadda, yadda, yadda. I need you, though, to update your Tinder profile to one of those wig photos you posted. Because those were everything.

Thank you. If you don't follow me on social media, which you should, you can see my Tinder profile on Facebook. It's Nicole Byer Comedy. But on Instagram, I posted pictures of me in this fabulous purple wig

that I got on Hollywood Boulevard that's made for a drag queen. But I saw it and I was like, that's me. It's so good on you. That's who I am. Thank you so much. Tess, I have a question.

I know we don't know each other very well, but if you were single, would you date me? I would date you. Ooh. What a treat. Very few people have said yes. I mean, look, I don't know. I feel like life's too short, and I don't know. Why not?

Thank you. I very much appreciate it it so what are you doing right now you're modeling I am I'm actually going to fashion week for the first time that's are you walking I'm not I walked last year I'm not walking this year this year I'm going with Sebastian the hair company so I'm going to Christian Sierano's show to interview him yeah and then uh I'm meeting up with a fan got a giveaway so they're coming to do that that's gonna be fun so I'm attending like eight shows I've never done that I'm doing like the full fashion week moment but I think it's fun it's like I'm in no way going to stop modeling but I um I really want to get into high fashion. And I think, like, you know, you have Beth Ditto and you have more high-profile fat girls that designers are making stuff for.

But they're making for them specifically, which bugs me the fuck out. Yes. Like, Marc Jacobs, I think, featured Beth Ditto in a campaign. Yeah. But I was like, then make us fucking close. And Jean-Paul Gaultier and Gucci. Had Crystal Wren walk. Yeah.

And had her walk at the end, meaning that was like his inspiration. It was like, then make us the fucking clubs. I know. And it's so frustrating. So it's like, it's hard because on one hand, I don't, you know, if high fashion's not making our size, and obviously I always tell people, put your money where your mouth is, and support brands that are making our size. And obviously I always tell people, put your money where your mouth is and support brands that are making your size. But on the other side,

I, you know, they make accessories, they make other stuff. And so I think why not? Like why, you know, you have plus size models that are working for some big designers, but those plus size models

are no bigger than a 12 or a 14. So what about us fat girls that have money? Yeah, you know what I mean? I want to spend it. I want to spend it. I love bags, but you can only have so many purses. I know. I had a designer today that I'm attending their show. And they were like, you can pick four things from our site. And I mean, I was so excited. But when you're going through it, it's like, I had to do a filter and say accessories. And like, you know, because I can't wear the stuff so it's so that part is frustrating so yeah I mean I want to do more high fashion I'm doing a couple other

things that I can't talk about yet but I um I don't know I think tv is fun I want to see where that takes me so as like a personality or do you want to get into acting? Maybe not acting. Probably just myself. I don't want to do anything scripted because that's not me. But I don't know. I'm kind of like testing some stuff out. But I mean, sorry for everyone. I guess they'll just have to see me more I guess is what I'm saying.

I don't know. I love how visible you are. I love that you were on the cover of People magazine, which is, like, great. And I just love that you exist. And I love that you don't apologize for existing. Thank you. And I think you're a real trailblazer. And I'm so excited you came to talk to me.

I'm so excited I got to see you. Yeah, because I like talking about fat things. But I haven't had anyone on who's, like, full-fledged, like, fuck you. This is it. I don to see you. Yeah, because I like talking about fat things, but I haven't had anyone on who's like full-fledged like, fuck you, this is it, I don't fucking care, whatever. So it was just like... I'm glad I got to be the first in Pop Your Cherry. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ooh!

Oh, I always ask people to subscribe to the podcast and rate it, and if you rate it and hit on me or say something nasty i'll read it so let's see what i got okay m thomas steel said sweet podcast this podcast is as sweet as them sweet sweet titties on nicole and i want to bury my face all up in them, which I truly, truly love very, very, very much. And then everyone truly is being very nice, which is great. Someone said they want to sit on my face, which is good, I guess. Okay. But, like, I want to sit on your face.

I was just about to say, like, I would much rather it be the other way. Right? Like, I don't want that. And then I had a good one. This man said he was sorry for his white male privilege, and he wanted to give it to me. He wanted to give me his hard white male privilege. That made me giggle. Yeah, so truly, keep them coming in.

They make me smile. I really love when people are inappropriate and nasty, and I'm asking for it. I'm glad you put that disclaimer on there. And I'm asking for it in a way that women are not asking for it all the time. Unless they say they want it, they don't. So that's my little tidbit for everyone today. Okay, thank you for listening. Bye!

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