Why Won't You Date Me? with Nicole Byer - Booty Call Horror Story (w/ Jameela Jamil)

Episode Date: September 7, 2018

Jameela Jamil (The Good Place) chats about how she got cast in The Good Place, the rejection she got as a child, and shares her most horrifying Tinder date.Check out Jameela's "I Weigh" Instagram, a movement for us to feel valuable and see how amazing we are, beyond the flesh on our bones.You can play along and see Nicole's Tinder bio and photos on her Facebook page at: https://www.facebook.com/pg/NicoleByerComedyBe sure to rate Why Won't You Date Me 5-stars on Apple Podcasts. Leave a dirty comment for a chance have it read on-air.Follow Nicole Byer:Tour Dates: nicolebyerwastaken.com/tourdatesTwitter: @nicolebyerInstagram: @nicolebyerFacebook: www.facebook.com/nicolebyercomedy

Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Why won't you date me? Please tell me why! Ooh baby, welcome to another episode of Why Won't You Date Me? A podcast where I try to figure out how I'm still single, even though I will kiss you without talking to you for very long. My guest today, you know her from The Good Place.

Also, if you're in England, you know her because she's a model and a presenter, which is a host in England. It's a host. Yes, but they say presenter because they're fancy. Jamila Jamil! Boo, boo, boo! Hello. Your name is so pretty, but also it feels like a trick because Jamila Jamil, it's like

it's starting to say your first name again with your last name. It's an Indian Duran Duran. Oh, yes. You know what I mean? That's a very good way to put it. An Indian Duran Duran. Yeah. You're on The Good Place, which is such a funny show.

You are wonderful on it. That's so nice of you. Thank you. You are so funny. And I'll be honest, I saw the previews and I was like, no way she'll be funny. She's too pretty. But then you were so funny and I was like, well she'll be funny she's too pretty but then you were

so funny and I was like well that's not fair that's not fair that's not fair at all yeah you're just like naturally funny too it's not forced and I think it's like a combination of good writing and then you're also a very good actress okay now I'm gonna date you okay so we've stopped we don't need to do the podcast anymore because Nicole and I are going to date. Oh, baby. Honestly, that would be a dream come true. Someone's like, you, today. I want it. So how long have you been in LA?

I'm literally about to climb over this table and just hump your leg. I can't wait. I'm honest. I'm being very genuine. You're very kind. When I say it. It's not kind when it's true and I feel like people people don't give compliments the way they should I I think if you see something and if it's good

you should just say it why not I also love it when girls support other girls I also think you are a fantastic force you're incredibly talented and smart and so it I it this sounds awful but it means more to me if a compliment about comedy comes from someone genuinely very funny and talented and smart and I think you are all of those things so I'm very flattered thank you you're welcome do you did you just fall into are you a comedic actress or were you doing comedy before? No, no, I've never done anything. I came here not wanting to be on television anymore because I found television. I don't know.

I wasn't particularly excited by the television I'd been doing for a while in England and I was hosting shows about music that I didn't think was very good a lot of the time and so it felt a little bit soul-destroying and also you get pigeonholed a lot as a woman and you aren't given a lot of funny things to do especially in England they can be quite sexist and very very ageist and I felt really understimulated and also because England is the size of like a navel or a cat's bum hole compared to America. It's very easy to be famous there and for nothing. And I found myself like very much so in the public eye for no reason. I hadn't like written a hit album or done anything of any significance. Yeah, but it's a bit weird, you know, to announce stuff and then for people to care about you so much and photograph you

outside your house. So I think it was just all a little bit not right for me and I wasn't even intellectually stimulated enough for it to be worth the invasion of my privacy does that make sense oh absolutely not that anything's really that worth it but but at least if you're really like living for what you do so I moved to America with no ambition to to really be on television but I did want to write for television because I've loved comedy since I was a child it's the only thing that helped me survive what was quite a hard childhood it was comedy and so I really think comedy is a medicine for people it's an emotional medicine and a great thing to put out into the world I wanted to write it I got signed as a writer by uh three arts that uh company who make a lot of comedy and this audition

came out of the blue. I'd run out of money and my manager told me about this part and he said, it's an annoying Indian English woman. You've got this. It's you, you're playing yourself. That's you, just go in there, don't even see the lines, just be yourself. Totally unbearable, go for the part.

And so I went to the audition, not thinking I would ever get the part, but thinking maybe I could just meet Mike Serra and then maybe I could hand him some writing eventually. And he cast me because I guess everyone else died that day. But now I am an actress, a comedic actress, and I would never have known that I would love this so much. I can't believe what a chance he gave me

because I never would have seen this for myself. I never would have dared because it is such an incredible profession to me. But it is my favorite thing I've ever done. That's good. And I think it shows. It shows that everybody on the show is having a good time. Everyone really connects in a way that's so genuine and nice and i've only

met mike sure once and he's a very whimsical man yes i he radiates this like uh happiness and i feel like all of his projects yes yeah all of his projects i think are influenced by that as well so i think for your first project that's like you like just not winning the lottery but like I think you were meant to be there at that time I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason but also after me too I do feel like I won a lottery like he is the least rapey or inappropriate boss I've ever met he's he's not unkind. He doesn't have double standards for women.

He doesn't care about what weight we are. We never feel objectified in any way. He just treats everyone as equal and he respects us as comedians and he challenges us and pushes us and never patronizes anyone. I like that about him. Yeah, which is incredible and should be the norm. I know. And it's not. And it's mind-boggling when you work with a man who calls you honey off the bat and you're like, I don't fucking know you.

Oh, yeah. I had a photographer call me Bubba throughout the whole thing as if I'm his little baby. It was really weird and creepy. That is very strange. He's like, come to me, Bubba. Come on, Bubba. Crawl at me, Bubba.

And I was like, i'm not going to crawl at you i'm 32 years old that is so strange so you do a lot of modeling yes or you used to i've not i've not really i became i got signed as a model when i was 15 uh because i'd i'd managed to master an eating disorder at 15 that was a very bad time in my life, a very stupid bad time in which I took my body for granted and hurt myself a lot. And then I was lucky to be hit by a car shortly afterwards. Short six months into my modeling career, I was hit by a car, broke my back, gained 75 pounds, much needed, and gained some sense and stopped taking my body for granted and stopped starving myself and realized that there are people who are literally starving in the world.

They are dying of famine. And I am choosing while surrounded by food, by good food, to deny myself of it. I am a horror and disgrace to myself. And obviously eating disorders are part of a mental health problem. And, you know, you shouldn't, I don't think shame is the way out of it. But to look at it logically, I think sometimes can be quite empowering to be like, what am I doing? I deserve more than this treatment. This voice in my head is evil.

I need to eat. That's wild that it took a car hitting you. But also sometimes you need something that jolts you back into your mind. Sometimes you're living like out of your mind being like, I need to do all these things and I don't know. And then you get jolted and then you're like, oh, what was I doing this whole time? Well, it's because I'm a woman and I'm being hazed with shame. And I have been since the minute I could understand. So therefore, there's just like I'm in shame smoke all the time.

And sometimes it does take a big car coming out of the blue or something like that, like a huge life moment to remind you of your mortality and remind you that this is real. Life is real. And we only get one shot. And don't deliberately mess it up because enough other things are going to try and mess it up for you. Truly. The world will try to keep you down, but you got to just keep yourself up.

So I never modeled again. And then I became a TV host and a personality, I guess, in England. And via that, I kind of did like branding modeling. Do you know what I mean? So it's way better. People treat you better. You're not treated like a piece of meat. You're never really pressured to look a certain way.

You get to be yourself. You have autonomy because you're doing it as yourself. So I think I've kind of been photographed, but I don't think I've ever really modeled. I've never had to fit in someone else's image. So you never had to like wash a car in a bikini and be like eat a hamburger no no Jesus thank god what a blessing yes I yeah I don't know I'm not good at being sexy so I that I don't think I could ever do that I I think I'm a sexy person

but the way the world visualizes sexy women that's not who I am 100% I'm the same and I feel like a lot of women aren't like that yeah so it's very interesting I mean I guess I guess it's just men's idea of what sexy is is what we've adapted to being no I think it was I mean I hear you but I believe it was a couple of men's idea and then they broadcast it so heavily that other men grew up thinking well that's what they're supposed to find sexy i don't know if some men actually genuinely find something sexy that they're just conditioned to believe is sexy and then they sort of force themselves into finding things alluring that aren't necessarily alluring it's a bit like us with the bad boy uh yes with with you know We're trained to like the guy in the leather jacket

and the bike who can't get his life together, but we're going to be the girl that's going to make him turn his shit around. And I've had so many female friends when I've kind of tried to set them up with a good looking, nice, wonderful, smart, funny friend of mine. They're like, oh, he's just a bit nice.

He's just a little too nice. Oh, you're so destroyed by hollywood you want the difficult like bad boy who treats you like shit what is that conditioning that comes from our like media it's not stay away from the bad boy he's gonna give you hpv that should be put on a t-shirt. Stay away from the bad boys. They're going to give you HPV. Yeah. I love it. You have an Instagram that is dedicated to celebrating women's bodies, right? No.

No. I have an Instagram that is dedicated to celebrating women's lives. Lives. Okay. In spite of their bodies. Yes. Okay. I knew that bodies were in there somewhere.

They were totally in there um i can't sit here as like a size us6 and be like love like i'm not going to tell you how to feel about your body or your face or anything i hope that you find a way to love yourself as i have had to at the various different sizes i've been i've both been very very small and i've been very very large and i've learned how to love myself and accept myself for every different size and every incarnation and with every type of acne or no acne that I've ever had um I can't tell you how to feel about the way that you look but what I can tell you is that the way that you look should never dictate the way you feel about yourself as a whole

it's one tenth at best of what should be important to you. And the media that's bled into the society and into our culture, or the culture that's then bled into our society, tells you that it's the most important thing about you. Men are brought up to, they are raised to believe that they should aspire towards success and strength and one day be able to marry the Victoria's Secret model. We are taught that we should just be the Victoria's Secret model. It's devastating and so demeaning and so pathetic. And so I think that it's nice to appreciate the way you look and enjoy fashion and wear a bit of makeup

and be proud of your body and have feelings about that. But that should never be more than one component of what makes you up as a human being because it isn't when you when you're on your deathbed you're not going to be thinking about how flat your stomach was you're going to be thinking about what you did like what you saw how you made people feel how they made you feel but there are women who survive cancer they cure cancer they lead countries they raise people they feed people we are incredible multifaceted interesting intelligent creatures and we are reduced to something so menial and depressing and so what i weigh is it's uh at i underscore way

it's just a lit i want women to weigh themselves in their accomplishments and in the things that they have overcome in their lives and their story i I want to know women's story. I'm tired of just seeing women's fucking arses. I don't care about your arse. I don't want to see your arsehole. I don't care how bleached it is. But what if I spend a lot of money and it's real white? I know. And like at a UV party, I'm sure it looks amazing and it lights up.

But I want to know about the woman inside that arsehole. What is she thinking? What's she feeling? What is she going through? Who is this woman behind this arsehole? I'll see your arsehole. I'll like it. I'll double click. But after I've seen your arsehole, I would also like to know some more about your life show me your family like show me who you are what do you care about what do you feel like you're being an activist about

I don't just want to see a million face-tuned pictures of you and that's what we're being reduced to I like that and men don't know how interesting we are because we don't show men a lot of the time

how interesting we are it is so depressing and strange to me when I see women even women that I love who are so funny so dirty so interesting and coarse and savage and strange to me when I see women, even women that I love who are so funny, so dirty, so

interesting and coarse and savage in their like their intelligence, water it down as soon as a man is in the room, even a man that they're not attracted to. They completely become coy. That is a very interesting thing that women do. And they like start stroking inanimate objects. Yes. I have one friend who I think is one of the funniest people fearless on stage but the minute a man gets in the room she'll like sit in their lap she'll

stroke them and I always want to shake her and say you don't have to do that you don't have to be liked by every man who's in a room they start leaning on stuff a lot it's like they suddenly can't hold up their own weight and then their hair is messed up and they have to just keep fixing it and smiling and blinking and it's like do you need vising what is happening you're a completely different person we're not judging you we're just urging you to know that you don't need to do that because who you are in a room where you would feel natural is the person that you are supposed to be in every room my god this is like going to church i am feeling so good are we falling in love i think we are am i sexually harassing you i'm sorry i'll stay here on my side no this is

perfect i love it so much so you do you mind talking about like growing up in England? What was, I've never been to England. I don't know what it's like. Were you born and raised in England? I was poor. So we would move to like Spain and my grandmother had a house there and we'd go live with her sometimes. And Spain was so cheap to live and you could live a really lovely lifestyle with the same money that you would live in abject poverty in England at the time. And then take that up in extra gear in Pakistan where we then would like go to whenever we would really need money. But generally I lived in London. I'm London born and raised. And I love London. But I do think that I was ready to live somewhere else by the time I hit 30. Can I ask, growing up, were you in a lot of relationships? Or are you a single person, like a serial monogamist? Or did you stay single? monogamist or did you stay single um nobody wanted to have sex with me until I was 22 that that's the first time someone actually wanted to have sex with me um I had my first

kiss I think at 21 um I was just too tall I was 5 10 by the time I was like 12. Okay. And all the boys were really short and they didn't fancy bigger girls. I was also, I was just bigger than the other girls, you know. I was extremely curvaceous and in a time in the 90s where heroin chic was like the style and so everyone kind of was emulating Kate Marson, jutting hip bones were like

a kind of badge of honor for girls and so I was just made to feel as though I was fat and I was made to feel like as though I was too tall and I had bad skin because I was hormonal and also unhappy and eating the wrong food and I was reacting all over my face and and I had glasses and braces and and I also just didn't I was was a tomboy, whatever the hell that means. You know, my dad definitely raised me to be more of a boy than a girl, which I'm glad for now. Because actually, I think there's a lot of toxicity sometimes in growing up in a girly way, because what even is girly? Inverted commas. inverted commas growing up in a girly way is a game you play is play house where you have like a little house and a vacuum cleaner and like a frying pan it's like so playing to me is cooking

and cleaning yeah so I was much more active and playing like you know war games which isn't great either no but the point is is that I grew up you know I wasn't girly. I wasn't sensual. I just didn't know. I didn't know how to be this thing that I was seeing in the movies and in the magazines. Like I didn't know how to be flirty. You know, I just knew how to kind of be funny or be honest and sincere and play. You know, I was a very innocent. I was a young 12 year old. I was, I think, a proper 12 year old. You know, I wasn't hyper sexualized. I wasn't. I was still listening to the Beatles at that age. I wasn't listening to the young pop starlets who were, you know, or Madonna or people who were singing about sex all the time. I just was maybe behind my times. And so I was an awkward kid who only became more socially anxious and more awkward as I got older. And then I didn't drink and I never drank and I've still not ever drunk. And I think that means that I had extra social anxiety. I was hugely unpopular at school. No one spoke to me. Honestly, I had like one friend who only wanted to be my friend on the weekend. Oh no! She was not very nice to me on the weekend even.

And then at school would completely blank me because I had like social leprosy. And the more that happens, the worse you become socially and so just the more anxious you become around girls and women and they pick up on that because women are hypersensitive and then just people just don't want to be near you like I would literally sit and eat lunch on my own every single day and girls would walk up to me at school and look at me and just go, ugh. Really? For no reason. And then just walk off in a group. Or there was one time I was sitting at my house. Not that this is like a sob story, but it'll explain why I'm such a weirdo.

I was sitting at my house alone on a Saturday night watching like the Eurovision Song Contest of my mother. And 12 girls from school turned up at my house and rang on my doorbell. And I was thinking, oh my God, are they going to invite me out? And they turned up just to ask me what I was doing. And I was like, I'm just watching Eurovision song contests with my mum.

Um, but I could like, but I'm free. And they were like, oh, we were just wondering, we're going out somewhere really fun. Bye.

And then just like walked off. So they just wanted, they came all the way to my house and found out my address just to humiliate me and show me that I'm in watching TV with my mother. And they are like all out having fun together in a big group. Never got invited to birthday parties. That is so mean. Yeah, man.

Girls are tough. They were tough. And it was also like a very racist time in England. And I was one of the only Pakistani girls in the whole school. So it's just like I had a brutal, brutal teenage years. And I think it just all messed up my confidence and then I just didn't really I just didn't fit to any mold that any boys seemed to want and then I met and then my best friend basically fell in love with me when I was

like 20 21 and he was my first kiss and it took him nine months to get the the courage up to kiss me because I was giving him zero signals I still give men no signals you have to be you have to be deep inside me before I even realize that you like me yeah yeah oh you like me there you go he likes me a lot I have no I'm very bad at signals I'm bad at giving them I'm bad at receiving them um I think my confidence has been so battered as a child that I don't believe that anyone would find me attractive because I don't find myself attractive and so that's something that I continue to work on because that's just me bullying myself now yeah and it's very interesting what you see in the mirror versus what the world sees um I think a lot of women struggle with that I struggle with that but like I've it took me a while but i've

grown to very much love the body that i'm in i love the face that i have i when i grew up i was also like one of i don't know five black kids in my whole town and it's so much fun sister yeah it was very weird but we were lucky we weren't like made fun of or anything and no one was overtly mean to us because rap was popular and like Eminem people loved Eminem people love to like you know explain hip-hop to me and I'd be like sure okay if that's sure that's what you think whatever okay um so it was like is still the coolest thing that indian people have ever done in mainstream culture who's played by a white man by the way okay so go uh-huh which is insane yeah and i do think oh whatever we don't even have to get into that but i do think

they should whatever uh so like it was more people were curious about me and my sister and the rest of the black kids in town. And they like wanted to be cool and like having a black person around kind of co-signed things. But that also fucks you up. Because then you're like, well, you like me on a surface level,

but like I had never been like hit on by a boy. I don't think my first kiss was until, no. I had my first kiss I think in seventh. I had my first kiss, I think, in seventh grade, but then nothing for a very, there was a thing that happened and then nothing else until I was 21, 22-ish. And I was like, but why? And then growing up, I was like,

oh, it's because it's like my mother used to say, these white boys aren't gonna bring you home to their their mom what would their mother say their mother probably wouldn't be happy about it and hearing that from my mom I was like oh you're just like kind of hating on me like you're just like being really mean but then you grow up and some of the people I went to high school with are fervent Trump supporters and you like you hear what they really think you're like oh yeah had they brought me home their mother wouldn't be happy about it they probably would have had something to say so I think that explains a little bit of how like why I didn't date growing up but also I was very pimply very oily and oh I thought I dressed real cute, but looking back, it wasn't good.

Oh, my God. Snake skin leather flares. And I used to wear flares and then wear a skirt on top of my flares. What a dream! This is until I was 22. I would also wear, like, gloves that went all the way up to my elbow, like, inside a club. And I would wear a scarf inside a club because I was just trying to cover it. I looked like Kenny from South Park.

That was my style. Just cover up as much as possible. Extra large men's tracksuits, you know. And so it was, yeah, it's just, it's amazing looking back. I'm sure one day I'll probably look back at the stuff that I've worn in my 20s and 30s and be like, I looked insane. Why on earth would I do that?

We need to take a quick break but we'll be back and we're back okay jamila i would like you to look at my tinder profile okay because you're not on any apps no have you ever been on an app yes for two weeks. Really? Which one? Tinder. And how was it? I was afraid of murder, okay, Nicole? And so I met every single date at 11 a.m. each day, different dates. Wait, you went on dates at 11 a.m.? Near a police station. It wasn't conducive to a sexy vibe that's really that's really funny they didn't think it was very funny so funny if i if someone set up a date with me at 11 a.m next to a police

station i would think they were the funniest person i'd ever met but that is it like the things that women find funny or sexy or cool men do not find funny and sexy or cool what what was one of the worst dates you went on from tinder uh one of the worst dates I went on from tinder they were actually all fine they were all fine but it just felt like a meeting because it was 11 a.m outside a police station just started they're still in their best behavior so i didn't i've had like terror i had one bad date that i around the same time uh with a man um who i'd gone on a couple of dates with this is a disaster actually this is a real this is like the most this is the worst day anyone's ever been on okay so are you ready so um so i went on a date with this man and uh he was lovely to me and so we went on a second date and he was lovely to me on the third date like he brought me to kind of meet some of his friends and I was like wow this is going so

well he's so charming and funny and nice and handsome and he's introducing me to people which means he's not ashamed of my personality which is rare uh and so then he comes over to my house at like he comes over like 10 p.m so i was like i've kissed seven people ever one of them is manny who's on the show and that's a contractually obliged kiss on camera adorable but it isn't it isn't like it's not no that's i think it's adorable it's sad and and it makes me sad. Out of your seven, one is work. Yeah, yeah. And I still count it, which is pathetic. No, that's the best. So anyway, so I was like, I'm about to have my first booty call.

And I was so excited because I'd heard about them for years. And I've been watching. And it was finally happening to you. I've been watching Sex and the City, you know, and I really felt like I was ready for my first booty call. He turns up at my house, walks in. I've never told this story publicly. Walks in, takes three steps in, kisses me on the cheek and then collapses face forward and has a seizure, a violent seizure. He breaks all of his teeth when he falls.

And the teeth and blood just explode all over my house bear in mind i'd been in america i'd moved to america 10 days prior to this oh my god i don't know anyone here apart from other men from tinder but i can't really call them in this situation although that'd be very funny if you did this woman i met at 11 a.m across from the police station just called me to say that her friend had a seizure. And so this man is now bleeding and seizing all over my floor. There's teeth everywhere. I have to call 911 in the movies, which I'd never done in my life.

I'd never had to call an emergency services before. And they send an ambulance and a fire truck for some reason. We don't do this in England. It's very overdramatic America. And you need to know yourself and chill out. Just chill the fuck out. a fire truck for some reason we don't do this in england it's very over dramatic america yeah you need to know yourself and chill out uh just chill the fuck out uh so 20 men pour into the house like all in uniform to save this guy's life and they're trying to resuscitate him they managed to finally bring him back round and they're like you know have you taken any drugs and he was like um well

i had a bit of cocaine earlier but i've been taking that for like 20 years and I've normally been fine I was like oh flag that's a red flag 20 years of cocaine 20 years yeah good lord I was like dad of three dad of three uh and uh single dad of three uh and so um so he then they're like if you take anything else and he was like no no I definitely haven't taken anything else so okay cool so they put the blanket over him and they start to like um pull the blanket over his body and after they go past his cock he gets a raging erection at which point it becomes quite clear that somebody somebody gets impotent from their cocaine use and they take viagra both of which have a very different effect on the heart. And so clearly the cocktail just messed him up. Oh my God, yeah. And he collapsed.

He collapsed. He had like temporary heart failure. And so now it's very embarrassing because he's got a boner. He's had to admit that he's had Viagra. And look me in the eye as he says it. He's got no teeth. There's blood everywhere.

And we have to carry him out of my house at 11 p.m. at night in the middle of like West Hollywood with no teeth, covered in blood and a big boner. Honestly, that's the worst date I've ever been on. That's the best story I've ever heard. He's got no teeth. He's high on coke and he's got a boner and he's like, can we still fuck? Yeah, he's just being carried out of my house on a stretcher. Have you ever had a booty call since?

No! Oh my God. That's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard. Oh, it pleases me to no end. I'm sorry that happened. I've been sent a sign from the universe that i'm destined to never be allowed to have casual sex as long as i live so i've only ever slept with people that i've been in long relationships with there are worse things that could happen i guess

but uh that's wild did he clean did he like give you money to clean he did actually he actually took me shopping to target two days later to to replace all my furniture that was covered in his blood. That's so funny. Did he call you to set that up or did he text you? I want to take you to Target. He texted me. My blood is all over your furniture. That's incredible.

I still have his blood stain on the back of my couch. Really? Yeah. Oh, my God. Gross. It's gross, but also what a nice break anyway enough about me show me your tinder profile okay yep that's my tinder so um if you would like to look along you can go to facebook.com nicole by our comedy and i posted the pictures there oh my god this is amazing tell them what you see um okay so there is a picture of you next to kim kardashian

you are mimicking exactly her pose she's topless she's wearing new she's eating noodles um and she's got pink hair you are doing exactly that you look really hot in this picture thank you um you've really committed which i really admire yes it's um my favorite picture there is another really funny there's another stunning photograph of you we're holding a pineapple on top of your head and pretending it's coming out of your head i suppose you look fucking insane uh in the photograph but you look beautiful you look mad and beautiful and fun there's a photograph of you next with a child's toy car and you are posing like you are on the cover of a hip hop album or like a Slav. You know, have you seen Slav squatting on Instagram?

Yes. That's lovely. What is Slav? Slav and Slavic. So it can be like someone from that kind of part of the world, like Russian or from Poland. And then there's another picture of you looking hot as all fuck in a wonderfully ridiculous t-shirt holding, is that a giant dildo it's a giant blue dildo can you get that inside you um i've never tried christ i found it uh there's this show it's

a stand-up show in a sex shop i think it's like two feet it was huge so i was walking around the sex shop and i was like oh that's a huge deal i have to take a picture with it so that's agreed that's why i have it because it was so big and silly god there's no part of that that would get in me no that is really scary then there's you in a onesie um climbing an empty bookcase and i don't understand the point of this photograph other than show that you have a wonderful ass yeah yeah yeah and then there's a picture of you with a dog there's a picture of you in glasses looking you know smart inverted commas um and beautiful these are all wonderful photographs and i feel like they really reflect you they show that you are a very silly woman and you are a very beautiful woman and you have a

wonderful bottom um and you seem really fun so how's it going why are you still single i don't know so how is the um what's the traffic like from your tinder i'm sorry i just threw your phone at And you seem really fun. So how's it going? Why are you still single? I don't know. So how is the, what's the traffic like from your Tinder? I'm sorry, I just threw your phone at you like Naomi Campbell. No, it's fine. It landed. It didn't break. The traffic on my Tinder right now has slowed. So before, my first picture was the dildo picture.

So I would get a lot of gentlemen asking about it. And rightfully so. And that would be kind of like the icebreaker. But then I was like, maybe I don't want that to be the icebreaker. So then I just put the Kim picture there. And that has gotten me no hits. I also, I'm on Bumble. Do you know what Bumble is?

Yes. That's where the woman approaches the man yes so I started saying silly things to men in hopes that they would be silly back like I started one conversation with this man and I said what would you do if a penguin walked into your room right now and then he had a very logical answer. And I was like, I don't want logic. I want a fun, whimsical answer.

I was like, he was like, what would you do? I was like, keep it, raise it, raise it with my dog, make it a good boy penguin.

And then I asked this guy, Gary, I said, would you rather turn into a hot dog every night or turn into a hot air balloon every day for 15 minutes at 11 45 and then he just said balloon and i know that's an answer but i asked a very silly specific question right so i was like why wouldn't you answer it but then like ask me why I thought of it or or like think of the logistics of it I don't know I feel like a lot of people are boring I think a lot of people are boring but I also think the one-dimensional way in which women have been portrayed in mainstream media and in porn is

is even more boring and so I think that the problem that you're facing here is that women find funny men attractive men are far less inclined to find a funny woman attractive it is just because that has not been something that has been in their filter you know it's almost like if there's an algorithm that has been taken out of the algorithm that men see uh in their like in their full periphery around women you know and and this this is such a deeply rooted and deeply upsetting issue and is a massive part of why no one often wants to have sex with me. I've referred to myself as a serial erection killer because of my ability to turn people off with my personality.

And however I might look, because I've got big breasts and I've got long legs and I dress somewhat provocatively sometimes. I am today. It's very hot outside. I don't think that's provocative. Well, whatever. I'm just saying, I don't know what provocative even means. But I've got the girls are out. Okay. They're staring at you.

They are out. The point is that I dress like in a way that looks like I've made an effort. I've bathed sometimes. And so I will be approached by men. But within seconds and sometimes minutes of meeting me, people are not interested anymore. Because I don't give off a vibe. I give off a vibe that they associate with a mom or a friend. Because I'm being like funny and friendly and open and I'm not being guarded about myself and I'm not being mysterious. And I don't know what the fuck the big deal about mystery is. I don't fucking have any. I'm never going to have any fucking mystery. I am what I am. Surely my being okay with what I am should be a good thing I'm I don't want you to think I'm a

murderer I'm not French and I don't have a cigarette and you do know what I'm thinking because I'm gonna fucking tell you all the time and hopefully you like my thoughts I'm finally in a relationship where I'm with someone who definitely in fact I've always dated nice men who've accepted my personality but um I'm in a relationship with someone currently who really does just accept all of my weirdness and i fully let my my freak flag fly with this person and he accepts all of my like indian characters that i am in the house and all these different things but this has been so hard to find someone who accepts me for not being um like some sort of ingenue in a movie because this is what men are seeing. This is what they're seeing in pornography.

That's what they're seeing in the movie and the lead character of the movie is never funny and if she is funny, it's because her life is in a mess and she's got a drinking problem and she's a, you know, whatever. She's sleeping around too much. Those are the only women allowed to be funny and they're not often allowed to be attractive at the same time. All of our kind of funny or our colour and our personality has to be kind of like

filtered through into something that is digestible and palatable to the patriarchy. It's ridiculous. And so I think what you might be struggling with is the fact that men are a little bit like maybe surprised by the fact that you're going out there trying to be funny rather than conforming to patriarchal expectation just by like pushing your tits out there and looking like have you seen this

what the fuck is going on on instagram where everyone has started to look like grown grown women are doing the face of like i'm just a little lost girl and they're putting they're pouting their lips and they're opening their eyes making them look very doe eyes and looking very lost and confused. And these are like some of them, I know some of these women, and they're smart women and they're talented women. They're earning loads of money. They're successful.

They're driven. But what you see of them on Instagram is just hundreds of photographs of them looking like they don't really know what's going on. Like they're perplexed and lost and scared and vulnerable. And it's like this Lolita thing. Now Lolita is creepy as fuck. Lolita is creepy as fuck. Creepy as all fuck.

And Lolita is still in style. And Jane, like Jane Birkin, I don't know, I'm not going to throw out that Jane Birkin, she's a gorgeous woman, but that kind of style of like, I'm just like,

I don't, I just need a big man to come and rescue me. I get it. But if we keep perpetuating that narrative around women the men are going to be terrified when they come across smart women who do know where they are they're fully aware of their location they don't feel afraid and they've got some opinions and they've got some jokes to tell you and they want to be real and natural around you men are just not like accustomed to be us being ourselves they have no idea a lot of them have no idea who we are

my boyfriend i will stop talking in a second no you're fine my boyfriend uh hasn't had loads of female friends in his life um until now because women have been so weird around him and he's also a singer who uh people like is known to some people and so women are even weirder around him and it's almost like they just switch into a different character when they're around him it makes sense they just sort of they become quite mysterious and i think he used to find that a little bit disconcerting and would never really get to know people and now that he's going out with me and i've got lots of female friends who because he's my boyfriend they are not trying to shag him thankfully and so therefore are completely being themselves and I've got very funny very raw very intelligent very strong

women around me in my life and he's met them and it's been such an eye-opener to him to meet to see what women are really like he really didn't know and now he's got loads of female friends and he adores the female company he just didn't know he would because he hadn't met real women until now because women couldn't stop being weird around him I'm sure all those women he met were probably really interesting and had loads of humanity but they hid it from him because they were trying to conform to the narrative that they thought he would want because he might watch porn or watch movies. That's so interesting as to why maybe a lot of men don't have female friends because women do act a certain kind of way around men. How long have you guys been together? Three and a half years. Okay that's that's a good chunk of time. When did you so did you ever

feel like you couldn't be yourself around him? Or was there like a certain day where you were like, hmm, I'm just going to do this little weird thing and see what happens? No, I've always been straight out the gate with guys. I just can't, I can't be bothered. I can't be bothered. I got rejected so much in my teens. And I used to be the girl that used to write messages for the pretty girls to the boys.

They used to get me to write funny stuff or like stuff that boys would be interested about on instant messenger do you remember I am oh yeah and then the boy would walk straight past me at the party and I'm the girl that he's really been talking to online for ages and like we've been connecting oh my he would never look twice at me and he looks through like through me and almost is like rude to me as he's walking past. You're like a 90s rom-com. I am a 90s rom-com. Except like, no one ever kissed me. I never,

I took the glasses off and I took off the ponytail and I was still a fucking virgin. we don't want it. You're like, but I did everything I was supposed to. They're like, you have a really

unsexy personality. And so, what was the question i've totally uh no you answered it where did you guys meet i met my boyfriend at work but no so i so because i got so rejected as a teenager basically i just decided that you know what i'm just gonna have to i'm gonna have to be okay with me otherwise i'm just gonna end up being rejected later you know if i pretend to be someone, I can't be bothered to keep up the game. I can't. It's why I don't wear Spanx.

It's why I don't wear Wonder Bras. I am just like, I am on dates and stuff like that. Because I'm just like, what you see is what you get. I don't wear a lot of makeup when I'm going out with boys. I'm just trying to make sure that they know who I am. So I'm not going to have to keep up something. I'm messy from the start. I bring all my flaws out straight away so that you get to decide. to make sure that they know who I am so I'm not going to have to keep up something. I'm messy from the start. That's smart.

I bring all my flaws out straight away so that you get to decide. Because otherwise we are a bit like used car salesmen in relationships, all human beings, where we show the best version of ourselves for a year and then we can't keep that up. You are very right. It's just better to be yourself.

Be the best version of yourself that you intend to be in a realistic way, but be yourself. I also don't wear Spanx I don't understand them they don't make you any smaller they just make you smooth yeah and that's on TV that could be nice because you're moving around in some weird positions it could be smooth and it does feel like you're being cuddled but generally I don't wear Spanx I don't like the feeling I can't breathe I don't like them either. No. They're too tight for nothing. Yeah. My vagina feels sad. It does.

It feels sad. And then the ones with the hole for your vagina, you're like, all right. So it's like airing out a little. This is, this. But that's just to pee, which I think is super gross. It's too much. Yes. And precarious.

You just open it up and pee. Like you're giving birth to your own piss. It's really bizarre. But the fact that I've never altered my personality for men when I meet them is also why I've been uh tremendously unsuccessful in dating you know and there was a patch between 24 and 27 where I didn't even kiss anyone really yeah no one like didn't hold hands with a person you're giving me hope because I'm currently in a dry spell. I haven't, I don't think I've kissed anyone since last October, maybe November-y.

Yeah, I've been like busy one, two. It feels like so much work to get to know someone like on an app and then meet them and then be like, this doesn't work I guess I'll sleep with you anyway and then be like this wasn't good this didn't fulfill anything but but online dating is just it is the worst it is the worst I understand it especially for busy people and it is kind of cool that you get to meet people you wouldn't otherwise meet and in Los Angeles you're not walking around the streets you know you're not bumping into people

you're not going to local coffee shops very often so in particular I do understand that but it is just this menu of genitals and people are lazy because they have this sense of too much choice it's why we stopped watching tv is because we had too many channels and you know we just stopped committing to things we stopped sitting down and we stopped having a sense of ceremony you know there's just we we are not good with too much choice and there's too much choice and you just swipe and it's so depersonalized and it's based on on your like you often don't even look through the second or third or fourth picture you just see the first picture and you make an instant like snap decision that has nothing no sense of context or or anything to do with that person and there no, you can't get a

pheromonal vibe from someone which you get from just meeting someone and walking past them or having a small interaction at a traffic light, you know. And so I think that online dating anyway is the worst and a really hard way to gauge and read people. I spoke to an Uber driver about this three years ago. And she just said uh she was telling me she'd been married for a really long time and i said what do you think is the secret to me i was single at the time and i said what do you think is the secret to to finding love um because i find uber drivers can be quite wise uh because they they spend a lot of time therapizing people in the back of the car they talk to a lot of people and uh she just said go and do what you love and you'll

find the man who is right for you when you are doing something that you love. And that made a lot of sense to me of like, find your people. She's like, don't mess around with all of this online shit. It's got nothing to do. You haven't really like got any sense of an algorithm as to like who you are. There's nothing that you have in common other than like, oh, I like that picture of yours. You like this picture of mine. It's nothing.

This is so surface set, like surface level and shallow and gross and depersonalized. Go and do hobbies, like get out of the house, go and do things, pursue things that make you happy, things that you love. And then you are obviously so much more likely to gravitate towards someone who's got at least at the very least similar interests. And then they have a chance to get to know you, to to hear your voice to pick up on your pheromones like that is how you're going to and and I did I met someone in my job where I was there doing something that I loved and that was where I met someone like-minded and we fell in love and we are together it's the best and healthiest relationship

I've ever been in and we we have we have so much in common and we are such similar beasts and i think that that is the way forward i do wonder if perhaps online dating is perhaps not doing you any favors especially because of the prejudice that exists around women having a fucking personality maybe but then i just i don't know where i'd find somebody well what are your hobbies if do you feel like you have any hobbies or get some fucking hobbies i don't have time for hobbies well make some time for some hobbies you've only got one life i know i but like i do comedy and i act and i tour and like my job kind of is what some would say is a hobby, like someone who takes like a stand up class because they're like, I don't know, I'm the funniest person at my job.

So I do understand that. To be fair, I forgot that you are a stand up comedian. I do not know any stand up comedian who finds it very easy to find love because of the instability of your lifestyle. It's a crazy lifestyle. I'm out of town mostly like every weekend. If I get a job, then I'm gone for like 12 hours out of the day, you know, during the week. Sometimes I'll book something that immediately takes me out of town and I'm gone for a while.

And then I do spend a lot of time in New York. So it's, I don't know. It's like my schedule is so unpredictable that even if I got a hobby, I don't know how often I'd get to my hobby. I guess I could like maybe I like pottery. Maybe I'll start pottering. Potter. Do some potting.

But also, what about friends? Are friends not like bringing like setting you up for people? Are you socializing at all? I'm friends with a lot of comedy people who are friends with a lot of other broken comedy people. So I feel like all of the people in comedy that are available to date are not available. Like the ones that I would are already snatched up. Camera operators on sets are usually married. Like all crew members are married.

And then you have PAs who are young and they're still trying to figure out what they want to do. Because I don't think anyone's a career PA. Maybe they are. I don't know. And then actors, non-comedic actors, I think are hard to talk to. Because I think to be an actor, you have to be like a little vacant,

but then also incredibly self-absorbed. Yeah. I mean, what else would draw you into a career where you spend all of your life pretending to be someone else? Yes. That's damage. Yeah. And then you're also not even adding your own thing, really. Like you're not adding jokes to it. Like in a comedy, you're like, what if it's, don't you think it's funny if I say it this way?

Like you're constantly thinking and adding to your character. I understand. I don't you think it's funny if I say it this way you're constantly thinking and adding to your character I understand I don't know this is an industry that is full of damaged narcissists which you and I probably are as well oh absolutely we are just sitting here in a room

talking about ourselves what does that say it's the definition of damaged narcissism we're both damaged narcissists and so this is a this is a polluted pool to find love in um i do i do wonder that when you do meet people how much are you yourself i am myself i would say yourself yourself i would say I'm like 75% on like just like, you know, getting zingers in and being fun and funny. And then like 25% like here's an actual fact about me. I do put up some walls, I know.

Both my parents are dead. And it's something I work in in therapy about putting up walls about people leaving my life and that's the way life goes. So if you never really give yourself out, then no one can really leave the real you. And I just started, I would say within the last year and a half, trying to be vulnerable.

And vulnerability is a very hard thing for me. vulnerable and vulnerability is a very hard thing for me okay can i so i have an almost like a i have a deathly lack of filter can i say something really honest to you okay so the first time i met you i did not get a gauge of who you were at all not one bit and fair enough we were in a situation that probably isn't conducive to us being our most relaxed and our most ourselves. But I had no idea who you were. It was night and day compared to the woman that I'm now in a room with. And I love this woman very much. And I didn't dislike that woman, but I felt zero connection with that woman because I felt like you were being a character. Like almost like it's almost like and it's it like, and it's, it's funny and entertaining, but it is almost like there's a kind of cartoony thing that I am definitely

someone who does. And I've been called out on this many times, which is how I can even recognize it in other people. And it's a defense mechanism because I was so rejected my whole life. And so therefore I'm just kind of like, you're not rejecting me. You're rejecting my character. And I used to be much more manic and I used to be very animated,

always telling stories, always performing. And this, someone who's now my best friend, but at the time I was kind of trying to hook up with and that didn't go anywhere. And he turned out to be hella gay. But he just said to me one day, kind of on a date, and he was like, aren't you tired? And I was like, what do you mean?

He said of this like thing you're doing, this performance you're putting on, aren't you tired? And I was like, what do you mean? He said of this like thing you're doing, this performance you're putting on, aren't you tired? He's like, because it's fucking exhausting to watch. And I had to like crawl under the table that we were sitting at and just hide from him because I felt so deathly exposed. And I sensed a little bit of that in you, that performative thing. And that is something that perhaps then gives off the signal that you are not interested in connecting with someone so

therefore then they pick up a signal even subliminally that you do not want them to connect with you so therefore they shouldn't try to connect with you and that is and I don't mean that in an attacking way it's not attacking but it's been really interesting to see you today because I I adore the woman that I'm sitting opposite you are real you're intelligent you speak in a different voice even than I first met you with and when we first met it was like walking into a situation where I was incredibly nervous oh well you well, you did. Very, very nervous. I had an audition for the part. So coming in, I was like, well, here's what I want to do. Okay, well, here's what we're trying to do.

Okay, that's not quite what we're not seeing. You were also fucking exceptional for whatever it's worth. But I will say that I maybe had a wall up because I was like, I want to be liked. I have to come back for three days. So don't be too aggressively loud. Try to be funny when appropriate. Oh no, you were brilliant in that situation.

I didn't find you in anything other than a complete joy and perfect to work with in that situation. All I was wondering is that, is there any part of that version of you that comes out when you're in a romantic or social environment that's all I'm trying to say is that because my mania used to come out anytime I was nervous so it didn't it wasn't work nerves it wasn't love nerves it wasn't sex nerves it was all nerves so I was just wondering if that's something similar like a year and a half ago, that would be my go to the way I would be on a date.

Now I try to like before I go on a date, it's been a while since I've been on one. But I try to like ground myself, center myself and be like, OK, let's be what is how does Nicole feel today? If I don't feel like being performative, then we'll just talk. And then sometimes I do feel like being on and I do feel like being very silly and then sometimes I don't take my ADD medication and I'm out of my mind uh so yeah and that's also another thing when I work sometimes I don't take my ADHD medication so I'm in my brain yeah like don't be annoying please don't take that as a criticism of how you were I was just trying to say that on a social level to work with you were a dream i was just wondering on a social level if that's

also the way you'll come across because then in that case then that doesn't quite work as well because that's not good for human connection it was perfect for the environment in which we met and i left with no judgment of you it was only seeing you today and seeing you very different that i was like oh i wonder if you're like this version of you. It was only seeing you today and seeing you be very different that I was like, oh, I wonder if you're like this version of you when you're socializing. I would say it's a mixture. Yeah.

So do you get that I'm not criticizing the way that you wear that? Yes, I do. But I just, that first day I lost my mind. Okay, but you didn't seem like that. You just didn't seem, you almost didn't seem real.

Like we were just sort of not being able to communicate in a human way, which almost a billion percent you would have felt about me two years ago. But I've had therapy. I did something called EMDR therapy, which is a type of like trauma therapy that helps break patterns and breaks defense mechanisms and stuff. It's unbelievable.

And I highly recommend it basically to anyone who's got a bad habit or bad patterns or bad trauma that they can't seem to overcome or if you keep being drawn back to the same negative situation because that is something that reflected something that happened to you in your youth and you just keep going at it like a fucking moth to a flame so it was just something that I picked up on because it's something that I used to do. And, and people respond so weirdly to the version of ourselves that we create, because we aren't okay with who we are, and because we are afraid. And that fear comes out in a way that is hard to relate to. And so I think for whatever it's worth, and I'm sure you, you, you have so much confidence in certain areas of your life,

but there's certainly a part of you that I, clearly you are not fully okay with otherwise you would allow that woman in the same way that you would a friend if your friend wasn't feeling on you would say to your friend like hey just relax just be yourself but you're not allowing yourself that same luxury and I think that that's something to really look at is that be your best friend treat yourself as you would your best friend allow yourself the same things you would allow a best friend don't pressure yourself the way that you would not pressure a best friend i don't mean to lecture you no but that's also good um i think my mom used to say you have to be nice to yourself and i never understood that until in therapy my therapist would say you have to be nice to yourself yeah talk to the You can't be mean to yourself because you are yourself.

Yeah. Also, we're never going to get rid of the mean voice in our head because we're women. And that mean voice has come from every single, like via osmosis, we've adopted that mean voice. It's almost now like in our fucking DNA. So all you can do is have the mean voice and then have the voice of the best friend in your head that's going to stand up to that mean voice. I have that mean voice, and then I also have another voice that tells that voice to shut the fuck up. And that's a voice that maybe you need to activate in a stronger way.

That's the voice that needs to be a little louder. We do have to wrap up. Oh, no. Is there anything that you would like to promote? I'm on a show called The Good Place, and we're about to have season three released in about three weeks from when this airs so September 27th on NBC

it's going to be on Netflix and on NBC and it's very good and it's very funny I've also made a documentary for the BBC about consent within sex and trying to educate people about it rather than shout at them I think that's wonderful. Thank you so much for being here.

Thank you for having me. But also before I go, I just want you to say, I love the woman that you are. You're great and you're funny and you're smart and you're beautiful. Thank you. And you're strong and you're talented and you're just, you have so much to be proud of and so much to enjoy about yourself. And I am glad that you are working on that.

And I hope that continues to grow because you're so great. Oh, thank you. I find you fabulous and you're wonderful and you're inspiring. And it's a real treat to talk to you. If you like this episode of Why Won't You Date Me, you canunes and you can you can rate it five stars and if you uh write me a nasty little review i will read it this is from b way cd it says i wish this podcast was every day or maybe twice a week nicole you're so funny i want to lick your open mouth thank you Thank you.

Toodaloo. This has been a Team Coco production.